This Past Weekend - 11 - 27 - 17 | This Past Weekend #55

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

Animal Man Fights Costa Rican Swan Hotline: [phone] https://www.livetree.com https://www.patreon.com/theovon https://www.greyblockpizza.com Special Thanks to the LATEST Gunt Squad! Git dat guuuuuuuunt! Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman James Bown Arielle Nicole Rashelle Raymond Matt Eckenrode Matthew Holland Milo J Garcia Tom in Rural NC Mona McCune Casey Roberts Ty Oliver Charley Dunham William Morris Scott Swain Lauren Cribb Jon Ross Jacob Ortega Ned Arick Dave Engelman Xela Person Haley Brown Kevin Best Qie Jenkins Wes Hylemon Dylan Clune Chad Saltzman Robert Doucette Christian from Bakersfield Brian Szilagyi Calvin Doyle Suzanne O'Reilly Greg H Brian Giovanni Martinez Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Aaron JonesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Got that baby asthma, bruh. Your cousin got that baby asthma. There we go. Bang, bang, let's do it. What is that, a xylophone? What is that, a harp? Celebrate it, boy. Celebrate that misery, boy Daddy's down Well, daddy's gonna dance Get that hitter

Let's have some fun while we all die Wow, let's have some fun while we all D-Y-E. And I think they're talking about Easter eggs. You know, they're talking about let's all have some fun while we all dye these eggs. I'm joking, man. It's not even, that's wrong season. If you coming in at Easter, boy. If you trying to put your mouth around a chocolate rabbit boy you being you are being

naughty you know dude they used to have this girl in our neighborhood at easter would get them chocolate rabbits and put the whole thing in her mouth and down her throat and everything and it was i'm like i don't she wouldn't even bite into it i'm like i don't think that's that's uh jesus ain't coming back for that you know jesus ain't coming back for that. You know? Jesus ain't coming back for this dark magic. But yeah, she was wild, dude. And she never really developed breasts. It was just that she had a big round chest kind of with nipples on the front. And that was just sort of who she was.

A real kegerator of a girl. Thick neck, too. Real solid. Almost like a maple or mahogany. Type of. Thick thick skin. Almost like a full body staph infection. That's how her skin was just.

Thick all over. You know. Like she was a little bit of. You know kind of skin. And something else in there. Like a light quick crete. You know like a light. She was sort of marbled kind of in a way.

Anyhow, good to see you guys. Happy December, no, happy November 2-7. It is November 2-7. Can you believe it? Can you believe that we made it this far? November 27, Mondays, the year 2017. And we are in the 64th shadow realm of the universe. Make sure to stock up on Turquoise.

That's a new reality show, wouldn't it be? Turquoise Hunters. Damn it, Dale. Where'd you put the map? I don't know, Noreen. But this turquoise hall ain't big enough for the both of us. Could you even imagine that being a damn turquoise hunter? Just wait, dude. It's just two troubled people out in Tucson, There's two troubled people out in Tucson, Arizona just milling around a VFW or an American Legion. Asking people for quartz and turquoise.

Turquoise hunters. Good to be here with you guys, man. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Sometimes I think about people listening to this show. And I wonder, well, what are they doing? You know, I bet there's somebody out there have a baby and they take in their baby, you know, to wherever babies go during the day to be away from their families, you know, dropping them off in the morning or maybe they're, you know, I know we have a Red Bull truck driver out there.

We got a mailman out there that listens. They've called in. We got a man out there who drives a senior citizen wagon you know sometime they have the senior citizen adventure wagons when senior citizens all because when you get older you live together in a in a special dorm or kind of a sorority fraternity house with other seniors and they have a wagon that'll come and pick somebody all up and take you to the mall or to the park. Or sometimes this dude said he called him one time said sometimes if he gets some of the real incapacitated seniors, he'll just drive them around and tell them they went to the mall, you know, or tell them they went to Asia or somewhere, you know, and make up someplace that sounds pretty fancy.

And he said a lot of their joy is just in getting out and about. And he said sometimes he'll even listen to this podcast while he drives them around. So I think about that. I think about, well, who's listening, you know? You got these, I think about a little bus, like a small bus or special wagon or, you know, a very distinct van, which hopefully have windows on it. There's nothing real sadder to me than thinking about a bunch of seniors in a van with no windows. I mean, that's damn, that's Andy Dufresne type of stuff.

You know, that's prisoner. That's prisoner treatment. But I think about them listening to it. Maybe, I know we have a couple of Middle Eastern listeners and I think about those guys listening to it out there, you know, playing hacky sack

or, you know, collecting, you know, tall pieces of grass to make things to sell on the side of the road. Or I know we got a bunch of, you know, laid up listeners, handicapped, you know, people that's, you know, on disability and whatnot, you know, wheelchairs, you know, you know, people, what are those little things? Those rascals, people that ride rascals. I've seen a couple of them at my comedy show to say that they're fans of the show. So I think about them and I just think about the unique people, you know, the unique plethora of humanity. We've got some mixed people, some brothers and some, we've got some ladies out there. 6% of our listeners are female. So that's not very many. Would love to have more. But I had a nice weekend, man. And I thought about you guys a little bit.

I thought about you guys and just who listens. Who listens to this past weekend? And I'm just trying to, you know, come up with a little bit of, you know, a little landscape. A couple of shorties out there listening, you know, a couple of ladies. I'll get some, you know, I've gotten some pics on Snapchat, some breasts and some individual breasts,

you know, which I prefer. I never really trust a woman that sends you a picture of both titties at the same time. What is that? You know,

if you have two of something, show one and if things are going well, show both. That's what I've always said if you have a pair of something. You know? If you got two Buicks, you don't show somebody both Buicks at the same time.

Because what if you, you know, what if they hate the first one and you're sitting there with another one? Bullshit. But good to be here, man. Happy almost December. Thanksgiving is over. I hope it went good for you. I hope it went good for you. I hope it went good for you.

You know, I hope you had that stuff in. Man, I had three Thanksgiving meals, okay? Three. You know, I had some white meat, some turkey meat, some long neck, some sweet potatoes with that marshmallow sauce baby baby i put them brown marshmallows on the top you know i had that hit you know i ate one meal outside by candlelight by some cliffs and this was out in the hollywood hills and by the cliffs and they had you could even hear coyotes in the distance i think it was coyotes it could have been a bear with a flute, but it sounded like a baritone flute, but it sounded like a coyote.

What else did we hear? What else did we eat? Not much else, man. Had a friend's birthday. That was pretty cool. What else did I do? Thinking about smoking. I'm going two did I do? Thinking about smoking. I'm going two days without smoking.

Thinking about smoking, dude. Swear to God, bro. I would sack my own dick if I knew there was some knockout time in it. I saw Daddy's Home 2. I don't know if you've ever seen this movie. I didn't even know there was a first one.

Apparently Daddy's Home. Again, it was know if you've ever seen this movie. I didn't even know there was a first one. Apparently Daddy's Home. Again, it was nice to see Mel Gibson in the movie. I like Mel Gibson. My favorite movie of all time is The Patriot. And also I like Sling Blade. I used to date a girl who had the same jawline as Sling Blade, as the man. And then I also like that movie League of Their Own. You know, and some people want to talk smack.

And I like Armageddon. You know, so I like some pretty bad movies. But you're also talking to a Goo Goo Dolls listener. You know? You're also talking to a guy who almost got molested in a bathroom at a Marilyn Manson show. You know? You're also talking to a guy who used to do steroids on the side of the interstate with a man that looked like Don Flamanco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

And who ended up being a homosexual gentleman. And I remember being over at his house and he was crying about Princess Diana died. And I didn't know who Princess Diana was. I thought it was his dog. I thought he had a dog named Princess Diana. And I remember trying to be sad and supportive at the same time. Offering to get a shovel, dude. I don't remember.

We were high on marijuana. I do remember that. But then years later, he was doing pills and drove into, I'll give you a second to guess, an embankment. So I don't know if you guessed that or not. But that's what was going on. I saw Daddy's Home 2. It's good. Enough.

It's entertaining it's way more entertaining than um uh flakes on a train or whatever that was snake um fucking mystery train mystery with johnny depp orient express better than that it's not the directing was bad but they you know it's you know, it's fun to see, it's fun to see Mel Gibson. Will Ferrell, always pretty good. You know, it was what it was. It's one of those movies where it's like, you know, you know they're packing it with stars,

you know, just to get you into the theater. You know, it's kind of like one of those films that's just like the way it is nowadays, where you feel a little bit taken advantage of every time you go to the movies. That's how I feel. Every time I go, I'm like, why the fuck am I just coming back here? It's basically just to see a big screen, I feel like.

I mean, I can't even remember. Actually, what's the movie, the British movie, Dunkirk, was the last really good movie that I thought I saw. But what else is going on, man? Oh, KFC. Now, KFC, and that stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, they got that new fried chicken bath bomb. Think about that, boy. Think about getting clean.

Think about getting clean and staying dirty at the same time. And this thing is finger licking. You'll be finger licking clean, dude. It's a KFC bath bomb. So you put that bath bomb into the water and suddenly your whole bathroom smells like kfc do you are floating your chicken soup at that point so i think that's sexy boy get you you know invite a lady over even if y'all just roll up your pant legs and stand in the tub with one of those going off. Somebody's going to pop a bit of an erection or a strong clitoris. And that can be truly beautiful.

So they got them KFC bath bombs. If you always wanted to have that luxurious chicken feeling wrapped around your skin. If getting that chicken in your stomach isn't enough, you want to be fucking drowning in it, then you can do that now. Wait till somebody drowns in this shit. That's what's going to happen. Some schlubby Muppet out there with nine lips and zero diplomas, not even a GED, doesn't even own a book. That's the people I'm over. Doesn't even own a book. That's the people I'm over.

You don't own a book, you're out. You're out. You're out. That's like, you got to at least, every now and then you should have to do a book report. That's one thing they should still have us do as we get older. Do a book report. Oh, you haven't read a book in nine years? Ah.

Well, guess what? You're not allowed to leave your house anymore because people are over it. But I saw that Daddy's Home 2. They got the new KFC bath bomb. We got a new producer today helping us out. We're on this producer realm right now, this trial and error with the producers. So I'm grateful to that. Gentleman named Chris off the internet.

So the internet's powerful, dude. You can get whatever you want off of there. Drugs, medium shirts. You know, you can get that Canadian Viagra, make your legs sweat, son. But that stuff will give you that hitter, you know. But these days, can you even have an erection anymore? When do they shut that down? You know? You're not going to have any, no man is going to be able to fly on an airplane. Dude, is it just me or is

every dude on an airplane erect? Or also on a Greyhound bus. Sometimes even on a tram. If I got to go from B to F at the Atlanta airport, I may pop that heat. You know what I'm saying? I may build my own upstairs between my legs, dude, made out of skin and blood. You know? And wiener parts.

Because you will. It's just there's something about that airplane. There's something about that, that tram, that jiggle in the machinery or something makes your body start to salute the universe with that bone, with that bone, bone, that boner bone, bone, you know? And I'll tell this story before, but the first time I saw another man really bring his boner to the attention of a group that wasn't a pervert was when we were in the hot tub at this boy's birthday party, Will the Thrill. And I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell it again, man, because sometimes you got to let it go. Let it go. Like who's that Disney girl? Um, Julia or something. I don't know what it is, whatever. So this boy and we'll, we'll call him, um, TJ will care him because I can't say his real name, but this boy, TJ will care him, he was in a hot tub with us at a birthday because the boy had a birthday party. And at the party, they had a hot tub.

And a hot tub basically in the South, it's just like, it's basically like making soup out of your family. And it was in the front yard and he had that hot tub. So we're all sitting in there feeling the, just feeling the joy of that hot tub. And that thing is just vibrating and, you know, got the water and just really. I mean, we are just a little damn crock pot of friends. And Big Will Karam, this fella and his boy is about 30 years old in the seventh grade or sixth grade. I mean, he had a full mustache.

I think he had children. And this dude was still in school. And this back when they keep you in school forever and then eventually they just made you a janitor if you never graduated from you know whatever grade it was we had two kids go from class to janitor while i was in school um this one black kid named mr larry became a janitor and one other boy i don't remember who he was though he never said anything so when he wasn't deaf or you know know, had sound issues, he just, I guess he didn't have anything to say. You know, he just wasn't real keen on whatever was going on around him.

So, anyhow, CJ was under the water in this hot tub pleasuring himself. You know, just petting that old, you know, petting that old nut dolphin. You know what I'm saying? That bone. That bone, bone, bone, bone. Tell me what you're going to do. And then next thing you know, he stands up in the hot tub. And this is when this young fellow starts spraying out.

We'd never seen this. We were children. And this boy is just straight spraying out. Just making freaking liquid ghosts with his wiener into the air. And this one boy whose house it was named Will the Thrill, he thought that that T.J. Will Caron was basically leaking out of his penis and was going to die like he was going to get smaller and smaller. Like something was wrong, like he had sprung a leak, you know. So he grabbed onto that dude's bone to stop it from, you know, ejecting.

And that's when CJ punched him in the neck. And I will never, ever forget the sound of that. You never forget the sound of somebody getting punched in the neck when they are holding on to another person's erection and nobody is gay in the whole scenario. So I'll never forget that. But anyhow, welcome to Monday, November 27th of your life. So I went and saw Daddy's Home 2 and it was mediocre at best. And do you ever wonder why we continue to get served up the same cookie cutter content? Or how many times Hollywood can remake a remake?

Or how many new sequels can be milked out of our favorite franchises? I do. Trust me. We all do. It's becoming baffling. It's becoming you go to the theaters and you don't even expect the movie to be good. It's the incredible power that the entertainment industry has amassed is, as I'll say, it's strangling creativity. It's gotten too big for its own britches. But finally, we consumers can do something about it. And that something is called

LiveTree. LiveTree is changing the entertainment industry by creating a new platform called Adept. The public, listen to me, will be able to fund what they want to watch, own what they help produce, and decide who's in it and what goes on throughout the processes of content creation, funding, and distribution.

That means we can all become producers. Just check it out, livetree.com. Imagine being able to help create the amazing content that you want to see and be a part owner of it. Now, that's a possibility. livetree.com. Check it out.

I'm going to. All right. I got some good calls that came in this week, man. Not much has been on my mind, you know. I've just been dealing with, you know, some dating stuff. And not wanting to, I think a lot this week I've been thinking about a lot of like, just not wanting to grow up, man. of like, just not wanting to grow up, man. You know, just not wanting to grow up. You know, I just don't want to do it.

I feel like if I do certain things, then I'm giving up my youth. You know, I'm like admitting that my childhood and that my, and I know my childhood is over. I get that. I mean, it must sound bad. It's as I listen to myself now, it sounds crazy to think that I'm even still thinking about these things, but it's just tough to I think it's just that we have a world out there now where it feels like you don't have to a little bit. But it starts to look really weird if you don't. You know? And I guess it doesn't matter what it looks like to other people and stuff like that. But, you know, I don't want to end up that old, you know,

wrangled old man out there. You know? Driving around and laying down in his truck and, you know, wrangled old man out there, you know, driving around and laying down in his truck and, you know, just reading romance novels and all of that shit and trying to do photography and stuff at like 60, you know, and just being lonesome and not having any grandkids, having to pretend other people or other people's kids's grandkids are your grandkids. That's the weirdest shit ever. Yeah, these are my step grandkids.

Bullshit, dude. Okay? Get your own grandkids. I just don't have to be doing all that. So it just means I got to get into a place where I can settle down a little bit better. And get my mind right. And get my heart right. And just grow up. Sometimes you want to grow up and some of it's about taking risks. I'm fine. I'm finding, you know, it's about taking risks of like getting

into like headlong into a relationship and being stable in it. You know, I don't know. There's just something sometimes about giving up my solid sometimes about giving up my freedom that just scares me I think I think that like if I give up my ability to be free then

I'm going to be I'm not going to be in control of my life or I'm not going to be the only one in control of my life. Or I'm not going to be the only one in control of my life. Like by giving wholeheartedly into a relationship and stuff that I won't be the only one in charge of my life then. And that I guess other times in my life when I did that, even times before I even knew I was doing it, you know, probably relationships from growing up as a child,

that I guess it just didn't go well. And so I think there's like this innate part of me that's kind of scared to do that. But, but sometimes I guess that's the fear when people say you just have to be brave and just go against the fear. You just have to just know that something is scary and then still go do it. The tough part is when it's something you've never done before. Or it's like say if you touched a fire when you were a baby or a child and you, and it burned you, then you learn not to.

But then as an adult, you know, there's these fires out there that, that they're okay to touch, you know, they're not necessarily bad, but we just still, you know, our skin and our insides and our psyche still remember some of the burns that we incurred. Even before we knew what it meant to like reach out to a flame or before we knew what a burn even was, you know? Because I think there are things that happen to us when we're so young that we just, you know, that we don't remember, but that our insides do, you know, that parts of us do, you know? Anyhow, I don't want to get all deep, you know, into that kind of stuff, but that's just some stuff that's been on my mind, man,

is just, you know, being okay with growing up, you know, and a lot of that is, you know, settling down. You know, I've spent my money over the years investing in different, you know, real estate projects and things like that here and there. And part of me doesn't, you know's like yeah i could get a house but it's like do i want to do that you know because all those things get a dog you know um you know have a live-in girlfriend where maybe she leaves her bra or something in the hallway or it falls out of the laundry basket and then you got a dang brassiere in the hallway, you know, and those types of things. I just don't.

And you have plants and you get plants and everything together. I don't know if I'm fucking shopping for damn basil with somebody. You know, I'm not going to be a co. I'm not going to be, you know, I'm not going half in on a damn bougainvillea with a woman. You know, I just don't know if I'm doing that. But I think you have to do those things to evolve because I do start to find that I find myself spinning in some of the same circles.

And they're not bad circles. They're just comfortable circles. And if I stay comfortable, then I fear that I won't get to see everything that the world has to offer or get to feel it, you know. And some of those things include, you know, having, you know, grandchildren when I'm older. You know, because you got to, first you have to have your own children.

You can't magically just get grandchildren, dude, unless you're a pervert or a kidnapper. You can't just show up with fucking grandchildren if you never had children. Nobody's going to believe that shit. You know. Some things people will believe. I got a hip replacement. Other things people will not believe. Like oh.

These are my grandkids. Oh yeah Ronnie. You never had kids. Maybe you are a kidnapper. Ronnie. Maybe you're a pervert. So. Just thinking about that stuff. But I want to get into a couple of calls here, man. We had some good ones, dude. I got to tell you right now, just so

you know what's coming up. I had somebody take me to task saying that I'm generalizing black people. So we're going to get into that. I had somebody say they've been pleasuring himself near a they share a room with an animal and they're dealing with some of that how do you deal with self-pleasure if you share a room with an animal we finally got our animal activist

we got a man out there our own little Dr. Doolittle I've been hitting him up he hit the hotline which is 985- 6 6 4 9 5 0 3. This beautiful, sweet gentleman. I think he sounded a little bit Norwegian, but he could be something else. He hit the hotline and he had a choke out of Swan. So he called in about choking out of Swan. We got some callers that called in about dating and recovery, um, being blackout

drunk, um, and a couple of other issues. And then we got a topic for next week. We're going to get into all that right now. First, this gentleman. This gentleman called in from Portland, and he had some thoughts. Let's hear them. Yo, this is Taren from Portland, Oregon, man. How you doing, brother?

Hey, thank you for calling, brother man. I appreciate it. Onward. Hey, I'm just calling about the whole black issue thing you're talking about, which is, you know, from one man to another, I'm not going to tell you what to do or anything. I'm just going to give you kind of my concerns about it, the way you're talking about it. It sounds like you're starting to generalize black people. And I'm not black

myself, but... Oh, come on, man. You sound a little black. I could see how that could kind of piss off a whole race. I don't know. I mean, again, I'm not trying to tell you anything. I'm not a social justice lawyer. You know, I'm not trying to say how you should run things or what you should do, but it just sounds generalized a little bit. And I think he's referring to, I know he's referring to do black people, do black men, uh, get nervous.

Right. And I appreciate you calling a man from Portland, you know, the home of black people where you had to get the Portland Trailblazers or you never would have even had a black person probably around, probably within 100 miles. I'm surprised they don't have Blackdar, that it's an app in your area where you even know if there's a black person around. I'm surprised that they didn't have to bring one up to the zoo at some point so you guys could come and see as an exhibit, you know, to get to know some. And look, I do appreciate your calling, right? But I don't think that I'm generalizing. I think it's a really good question.

Do black people get nervous? Because I've spent a good deal of my, well, certainly my youth surrounded by black people. And I think that that's fair for me to, we all have a hypothesis on anything, you know, and people can talk about other races and other cultures. There's nothing wrong with it. And people can talk about other races and other cultures. There's nothing wrong with it. I think it's probably, I can imagine it probably does make you nervous if you live in a white-centric area. You know, that that would make you nervous. Because you probably have never really lived around some real brothers and sisters. You know? I bet you, and I think you should try that.

Go spend some time down in New Orleans. Go spend some time down there where they have some real blacktivity going on. Where things get wild. Where there's so much poverty that crime is at an unreal high in some black areas. You know, where you're afraid to even meet a black friend because the odds of him living long probably aren't very good. I've had two black friends killed in New Orleans in the past decade.

Killed. As in, knock, knock, who's there? Not them anymore. So, you know, it's just a funny conversation to think about. And I think that it's okay, man. I do appreciate you bringing it up, though. Could we be generalizing?

Do black people get nervous? It's not a damn scientific study. But I think it's a unique and rare question. And we also asked black people to call in and comment. Because the first batch of callers we got it was way too many whites you know and we wanted to vibe it out a little bit but look man i'd love for you to come down to louisiana go out to you know a place where there's a really good mix of diversity um and just check it out i do appreciate your, and we'll listen to the rest of it. Here we go. And I think if you were to make it funny, I guess that's one way to talk about it.

Again, I'm not telling you what you should do. I'm just kind of giving you my thoughts about the generalization of a human race. I think that's kind of what pisses off these blacks. And I think anyone, when they become generalized. That's what pisses off these blacks. That's kind of what pisses off these blacks. I think anyone, when they come generalize. That's what pisses off these blacks. That's hilarious. I mean, that seems ridiculous to me. But I'll say this, man.

And I think someone who has no real comfort around a culture is somebody that I think thinks everything, anytime you bring up something about them, that it's generalizing or it's, you know, that it's stereotyping or that it's, you know, I think you just got to get out and spend time a little bit more. At least hang out with a zebra. Start there. Because here was the best thing was, I had people that called in about the topic who were black, bro, and half black. That means part black, part something else. That's crazy. That's like a Rubik's Cube, dude.

In your soul. And nobody complained. I just don't like it when people complain for shit that they're not. You know? Like they had this group one time, Water for the Blind. The blind, what? There was no blind people out there at the Water for the Blind event. And I've never seen a dry blind.

I've never seen a dry blind person. And my cousin's blind, dude. And you know what he says? He says it's not that bad in there. So what do you say to that? We're all out here guesstimating. You know, while he's sitting there living in some free meditation in his

mind at times, you know, it is a little bit of a social justice. Well, we're generalizing, you know, and I'm sorry, it isn't, it's not a little not fair of me to nitpick at you like that, since this is a one-sided conversation because it's not a live call. But I just think, I think, I appreciate your point, man. Let's hear a call from a black guy. Whoa. You may want to check with your parents out there if you can even hear this call, guy, or pull over.

I don't want you to get nervous having a black guy come through your stereo speakers. Here we go. Yeah, how you doing, Theo? This is Jacob, big fan. Honestly, I don't think black people get nervous. Me being a half black man, other half Hispanic, I think we get more anxiety, if anything. Interesting. So more anxiety than nerves onward? Nerves don't play a big role in that, but the anxiety definitely is there. Honestly, I think the only time I've ever been nervous is in a crowd full of white people, just to be honest. But that's probably just more just because being judged and not nerves you know but as far as that i don't think i've ever seen another black man get nervous um

yeah and that's one of the things that made me even think of this topic in the beginning because I never had, you know? I'd never seen it. I'd never seen that I could remember a nervous black guy. Like, I mean, I think there's some instance, like actually I was skydiving one time with a black friend and he got nervous. So now that I really start thinking about it, yes, there's one instance.

But on a regular, in instances where I would get nervous, my black friends never seemed to. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Let's hear more. Yeah, but definitely, you know, we have a lot of pride and we've built walls around us and we have thick skin.

There you go. They got thick skin, man. That's that thick skin, you know? Like that girl that had in my town with that thick skin. But yeah, I mean, it could be something that, you know, with such... We've talked about this before and we're going to move on because I know we've dwelled on this before. But it's obviously an interesting topic. And so I don't think... And here's the thing, if we can't talk about it,

if everything's a generalization, if any time that a white guy brings up anything that has to do with a race, it's looked at as a generalization, I think that that's not a good deal. I think it's just not a safe place to be. And especially because we got, if we're not comfortable talking about what we're all just hiding behind things, we want to questions, we want to ask, then what are we? Just feel like a Muppet, man. And I didn't mean to, you know, get loud at you there, Mr. Oregon.

But I mean, Portland ain't a real hotbed for brothers and sisters up there. Okay. I don't see you guys, you know, I don't see you guys, won't you guys build a tunnel from there to East St. Louis and help out some of the impoverished over there? You know, y'all living out there in a real safe zone, clean water. How about that clean water y'all drinking? Y'all up there sipping it.

You know, being white as hell. Anyhow, we got some good topics, man. And this is a question. Let's take this next call. And man, I guess that got under my skin a little bit. I don't know why. Now, I guess it got under my skin because I just don't think that's generalizing, man. Do black people get nervous?

No. That's something that I want to know. And that's something that's fun to ask. And I think that those are fun things that we should be able to ask about each other. Because how the fuck am I ever going to know? Huh? How in the fuck am I ever going to know

if I can't open up my mind? And I wasn't just asking whites, dude. It wasn't a secret meeting. It wasn't a cook, cook, cook question. All right. Let's keep asking whites, dude. It wasn't a secret meeting. It wasn't a question. All right, let's keep it moving, dude. Here we go. We got this call came in right here.

Now this guy and this fella had something on his mind, and this is interesting. Here we go. Hey, what's up, Theo? My name is Adam and got a little question for you. Maybe get your thoughts on a little something, something in the dark arts. Now here's Adam calling. Thank you for calling this evening. See what I did there?

Adam and evening. Okay, pretty bad. Here we go. Thanks for calling, Adam. That I've been thinking about and kind of doing. Oh, Kenny, you've been thinking about these dark arts and you've been doing them as well, huh? So you're a dark artiste already, you know? You out there, you already, you know, van going deep.

Let's go. I'm going on my fifth year of marriage. Let's go. I'm going on my fifth year of marriage. And my wife at about year two informed me that watching pornography was akin to cheating. Okay. So your wife thinks watching pornography is akin to cheating. Onward.

And so she requested that I stop watching that pornography. And so I did. But what she did for me was she allowed me to start filming us doing the nasty. Oh, okay. Boy. So you starting up your own deal there, Us doing the nasty. Oh, okay, boy. So you starting up your own deal there, huh? That freaking, you starting to do a little bit of directing, huh? Suddenly you got a couple of new headlamps on the bed, huh?

You got a new light kit in the corner of the bedroom. Come more? Us making that sweet love. uh that's got me through you know it got me it gets me through those you know those dry spells you run into when you're married but uh so anyway the dark arts part of this comes in with me. I kind of want to try something else, and I'm not sure on how she's going to take it. So you and your wife, she wants you off the pornography. Now you're doing the video collage. You're making little memory tapes. Oh, God, this is getting good.

This is like riding on the bus or on the tram all of a sudden. I feel like I'm on a plane, if you know what I'm saying. Okay, more? I kind of want to film her banging somebody else. Ooh. So you want to film your wife catching a little bit of that sweet d wiener from somebody else hear more that may sound weird to some people it may sound you know the jealous types you know they they wouldn't get into something like that but i've been thinking about it a lot man and you know even sometimes when my wife is doing nasty things to me I kind of in my head start thinking like I'm somebody else like she's doing it to somebody else and it kind of kind of flips my switch you know what I mean wow so even when your wife's doing

things to you that's wild and that's naughty you you know, and she gives, you know, she building up, she, you know, she putting something special in your gingerbread, you know, that you imagine that somebody that she's doing it to somebody else. That's cool, dude. It's interesting, man. You know, really, this is getting really interesting. Let's hear more. I feel like I'm wandering into a castle right now and, you know, into a part of a castle I'm not supposed to be at. You know, like everybody's eating dinner in one room and I was in there and then I wandered off to look for the restroom and I can't find it. And now I'm just kind of wandering into rare rooms.

Let's hear more. But anyway, man, I'd like to know your thoughts on that. You know, is asking her to do that or eventually maybe even getting her to do that, what you think kind of an effect it might have on the old marriage. Wow. Wow, wow, wee, wow. Well, look, man, I'd be lying if I tell you I haven't thought about this, that I've thought about that if I were married, you know, am I going to be able to not act out outside of my marriage and be sensual?

You know, we're trying to be sensual with other women at times or get affected by that. I think, you know, because a lot of men, they worry. That's a regular worry of men. I've talked to other men about this who are married. It's a regular worry of men. I've talked to other men about this who are married. It's a regular worry of men. And so then you start to think, your brain will start to think, well, how can I make it work in my marriage? You know, obviously, if I'm going to step out,

then the only thing that would be fair would be to first say to my wife, well, you can step out or, you know, Gary can step in to your cooter or something like that. So, you know, because you want to make it even. You want to make it an even deal. So I've thought about those things, you know. I've already played that out in my head. Well, then you think about you being back in the kitchen two days later with your wife, you know. And, you know, y'all having a cup of, shes a cup of lemonade. And she says, you want some.

And usually you would take the lemonade and have a sip out of her cup. But suddenly I'm like, damn, where's this mouth been? You know, is they got a little bit of Gary on the edge of this cup? And those are my thoughts where my brain starts rambling, you know i'm to get into those situations so that's wild you know i've done some um i've had some directorial debuts in the bedroom back in the day and a little bit of recording of sex and watching sex you know re-watching it you know to get you fired up the tapes are never great. But I think the memories sometimes kind of are. But then you have that tape out there.

So at a certain point, you have to burn that tape or get rid of it because you're worried about it being out there. But I'm going to propose this question to our listeners. What do you think? It's a two-parter. And you can answer this one part if you want. Because I don't really have the best information for you because I'm not married. And I haven't been in that situation. But is pornography cheating? Do you feel like it is? I personally feel like pornography is kind of cheating. In small doses, it's not, but if it's a habit and it's a bad habit, then you are taking away that chi, that lust that is supposed to be, you know, between you and your partner.

You're taking that out of the equation. And fuck yeah, everything else is going to be shitty if you ain't trying to catch that nut locally with your lady. So that's one part is porn cheating. Second part is what do you think about that? About having another man come into the household and, you know, pleasure your lady and do that. And I know they call it, there's a cucking or something, there's some term for it out there.

But I want to know if there's men out there who are married who have had this conversation or have had this come into their marriage. They don't need to leave their name if they want when they call. Or if there's women out there who have experimented with this or their men have asked them this and what happened there and what occurred. Because if you, because here's what I'm saying, they only got so much room in the garage, you know.

And maybe that'll get you fired up. I mean, I could see that. You know, one thing that makes a man attracted to his spouse is that they are other men could be attracted to her. So maybe that's an element of it. But that's wild, dude. You know, hey, look, you should be a tour guide of the dark arts, brother, because you're out there. You're stepping on a lot of different stones. You're stepping on a lot of different stones. You're stepping on a lot of different stones up there at Dark Arts Castle.

But thank you for calling, man. I appreciate it. And that's going to be our topic for Thursday, guys, if you'll hit the hotline, 985-664-9503. And let me know. And let that caller know right there. Let me see his name again. Hey, what's up, Theo? My name is Adam. And let Adam

know what you think about that. Is pornography cheating? That's what his wife thinks. And then if he lets a man in to cater to his wife's buffet, to hit her up in that little sweet wallet, to catch that wild canal, and he's going to be videotaping it. How's that going to play out? Have you ever done that? Advice for him. All right, let's keep it cruising there. Here we go.

We got another caller right here on the hotline. Hey, Theo. This is Derek calling from New York City. Hey, Derek, New York City. The land of coked-up taxi drivers and women who may be men. Yep, the land of coked-up taxi drivers and women who may be men. Yep, the land of coked up taxi drivers and women who may be men. I've been involved with at least one of those.

Had a little argument with my girlfriend last night. Parents got involved in all of that. And basically all boiled down to that. I need therapy. I need to go to therapy. So basically what I'm asking is just how do you deal with the fear of telling your therapist about the dark, just what you've experienced that you find difficult to talk about with people that you meet every day. Okay. And his call kind of cuts out right there. It was just a connection issue, but

I'm going to restate it for you is how do you deal with telling your therapist, you know, the dark things and, you know, things that you, you know, you don't just tell people every day. I think for one, it takes some getting used to. I see a therapist once a week and I don't not go. There are times when I feel like not going to the therapist and I've been instructed that's when you go because your brain will tell you,

don't go to the therapist, you're fine. Well, that's the same brain that is not fine. A sick brain is not going to get you well. So you have to have some help. And I'm a proponent of therapy. I've gone most of this year, I think. It's getting better. There's days where nothing happens in there. And then there's days where, you know, I really get in touch with

something in my past or in my life that, you know, really hindered me. Um, and I'm able to, you know, um, melt it down a little bit, melt down some of that ice, you know, that iceberg. Um, it's helped me a lot with family relationships and stuff like that and to recognize my part in certain things. But I appreciate you calling, man. And I know that this is something, you know, it sounds like this is something that's pretty real to you. And I'm glad that you're trying to get some help because you can get better. You can. And that's just one thing that I'd love for you to know is that there were times when I thought I'm not going to get better.

You know, I'm going to be the same. You know, I'll never be honest in a relationship. I'll never be a caring person. I mean, I used to think about having children. I could never even imagine it. Imagine it. I thought it was crazy. Anybody had kids or. Imagine it. I thought it was crazy. Anybody had kids or anybody got married.

I thought it was crazy. I didn't go to one of my best friend's weddings growing up because I thought it was absolutely erroneous. But now, because of therapy, I can actually imagine some of those things. And that's different. That's a change, you know, to actually be able to imagine something that before you completely rejected. I mean, that's an actual change. I mean, I strongly believe that a leopard can change its spots. But it does take some work.

And if you get scared to talk about some things, I would tell the person, there are some things that I'm scared to talk to you about. I would be really, really honest. If you feel like they're not a good therapist, I would tell them why, but not in a mean way. You know, I remember telling my therapist, I feel like you don't care about me one time. And she had to assure me that she did care. And, took that step for things to get a little bit better between us. You know, you don't have to always agree with your therapist.

You know, your goal is just to be in there and to try not to run the show. Those are the only things that I can recommend. And also, try different therapists if you need to. Go to two or three the first week. Try them each out. Insurance usually will help. You know.

And if you get afraid, just remember that other people have done it. And you're just as capable as those other people. And no matter what you have inside of you that you're afraid to tell, you're going to be okay. You know? You really will. Because people that love you and care about you are going to...

People that really do, I'll tell you this, man. I've had to tell some people some things and they still love and care about you are going to, people that really do, I'll tell you this, man, I've had to tell some people some things and they still love and care about you. They really do. So I think you got this, man. And yeah, I'm going to go to my therapist tomorrow. So if you have to go this week or if you had to go, you know, I hope you do. Just go. Just go. Just go.

Start there. Go. Share. And just try not to, you know, if you get in a tough spot, call somebody. Or just tell your therapist how you're feeling. It's okay to tell them. You can tell them you don't think they're a good therapist. Sometimes that's the thing we need to explore is how we behave towards other people.

But you can get better, man, if you need to. Give it a shot. I'm proud of you, bro. Keep your head up. All right, let's cruise some more. And thank you for calling. Hey, this is Gus from Cincinnati. I was calling because I have a girlfriend.

You see how excited Gus sounded man dudes are having trouble with this kind of stuff let's hear more Gus thank you for calling I get blackout drunk and tend to be a dick to her and I don't really know why

um I don't know just calling. I don't know. Just calling to get that off my chest, I guess. Thanks. See ya. Cool. Yep, you get blackout drunk and you're a dick to your girlfriend. It's probably a lot of America does that. You know?

Why do they do it? I mean, the reason why I would do it before is because I was just controlling. I used to do that in high school. I think it's in college. You know, just it was a controlling type behavior, you know. And, you know, I felt like I wasn't really that person. That's why I would get drunk and do it, you know, because in the real person I was probably wanted to care about her. But instead I'm like, oh, well, let's just get

blackout drunk and be mean to her, you know, because it probably was afraid to be, you know, just real. You know, I was probably just afraid to sit there and be sober and just tell her either that I cared or that I didn't care. You know, I was afraid to be real you know it's easy to just get drunk and do whatever then it's not even your responsibility oh I was drunk

well go out go out with her one night sober see how you feel do you even like her do you like being around her you know do you love her

fuck maybe you love her dude that could be scary you know see how you treat her? Fuck, maybe you love her, dude. That could be scary. You know, see how you treat her whenever you're not drinking. I think that's probably a better barometer of how you really feel about her. You know, and maybe if you're able to share some of the ways you feel about her

and it gets some of that, you know, confusion out of you, then maybe you won't even be, you know, getting drunk and being rude to her. Um, those are just some thoughts that I have, you know, getting, I never really liked getting blackout drunk and I never even really did it actually. I mean, I would get pretty drunk and then I would wet the bed and that at a certain point you kind of quit doing that because you just don't want to change your sheets anymore so but you know what I'm saying gang gang boy

keep it together man uh I appreciate you calling and if you find yourself getting blackout drunk a lot because blackout drunk is a real thing maybe check out an AA meeting. You know? I'm not saying AA is for you. Only you know that. But I'll tell you this, dude. If you're still getting blackout drunk a year from now and yelling at your girlfriend, I don't see how that ends well overall. You might end up on an episode of Dateline NBC. I'm Lester Holt.

And this is, you know, murder, blackout, and blackout and bludgeoned in Seattle or whatever. All right, let's take another call. Thank you for your call. Theo Vaughn. What's happening, my man? The Vaughnimal, baby. You know what I'm saying? That's the worst nickname.

The Vaughnimal. I have a friend named Ronnie Ship, and he was in that O.J. Simpson documentary and he was the kind of light-skinned black man who was a police officer back in the day who was friends with O.J. And the only person that testified, only friend of O.J.'s that testified against him during his first trial.

And his name is Ron and we call him the Ronimal. And I love that name, dude. Onward. It is CJ from Dallas calling. Hey, CJ, and hey, Dallas. I love Dallas, man. I love Dallas, Texas.

Everything's big down there. I've been a big fan for a fucking while now, man. Anyways, here's my thing. I'm 22, and I go to university, and I'm seeing this new girl. I'm out of a two-and-a-half-year relationship, and been seeing this girl for about a week and a half, two weeks. Things, great connection, man. This girl, I swear to God, she's out of my league.

Wow, congratulations, man. Maybe she's not out of your league, man. Maybe you just didn't recognize what league you were in you know but i'm glad to know that you have somebody that you're interested in that feels that feels good let's hear more um but she's smart she's super sexy she's a sweetheart and we vibe connect really well uh with that being said said, Theo, I mentioned this to you when I saw you. I'm in recovery. I was and am an addict.

I was addicted to opiates for two years, namely heroin. And I'm calling to ask, what is your opinion on sharing that information with someone new that you're seeing? A part of me doesn't want to mention it, tell her at all, ever. I also think that maybe after three, four months, however long I may need, I feel like I can trust her, that maybe it'd be beneficial to add her to my already existing support system that is helping me in my recovery.

Wow, man, I appreciate it, man. I appreciate this call. Yeah. You know, it sounds like you got one on the hook. You got a live one. You know, you got a live one. And I had diarrhea one time during a fishing tournament that Randy Moss put on up there on Lake Minnetonka. And I had to be in a fishing rodeo.

And I had to meet up with a couple of men early one morning at 6 a.m., and one of them was a professional angler. And I don't know if you ever held that diarrea in your body for five hours on a bass boat, but no way that man was a more professional angler than I was by the end of that day. I mean, dude, we had a couple in the live well at the end of that day, live fish. I had about, I probably had 2,000 in the live well of my body. So praise God. But I'm going to say this to you, man.

Congratulations on your sobriety. Congratulations on sticking with your recovery and staying steadfast. That's cool, dude. Getting off heroin, I can't even imagine that. I can't even imagine that. Because one, heroin seems awesome. And two, I know I just hear that it's a really, really tough thing

to kick. So kudos to you. Finding love in your life, that could be something you probably never thought would happen to you before. You know, but I'll say this to you, man. I didn't know what to answer here. So I texted a friend of mine who's in the program who's been in longer than me because that's something that I learned through my own recovery. that I learned about in my 12-step program is that if I don't know,

then I ask somebody who has more experience than me. Because otherwise, I'll just make a choice that's ill-advised. And this was his quote, man. So I'm just going to read it to you. If he's planning to just fuck, then don't tell. Don't tell her. If you think the person is special,

then right away, in my opinion, that's what my friend said. He said, it's only his opinion now because there are no rules to this. Also use your intuition. You can also pray for guidance and let it go. Your voice sounds like you have some clarity in who you are. I know that's speculation, but let's be honest, dude. It sounds pretty clear. So I think you probably can trust your instincts. Always let go and leave it in God's hands if you don't know what to do.

You know, that's a serenity prayer. We know that. And one more nugget. The foundation of a relationship is built on trust. Someone tells me upfront that they are in recovery and working on being the best version of oneself, that goes a long way. If it's kept from me until later,

then that could be a little bit fishy. Be up front and let go, because that's a heavy yoke. Again, that's only an opinion. But I second. That's my buddy Bill, and I second that opinion, man. I second it, you know.

Trust your instincts. Feel it out. Don't feel the pressure to tell her because sometimes you can start the own avalanche on your side and suddenly you have to. But feel it out. See how it's going. Go on another date or two.

If she isn't pressuring you or anything, sometimes I say I go to a men's group. That's what I say. I don't even say AA. I say I go to a men's group. That's what I say. I don't even say AA. I say I go to a men's group because being around other successful, healthy men is only going to make me a successful and healthy man. That's what I say sometimes. But it's a cool spot to be in. It's a cool spot to be in, dude.

You got a little sobriety on one arm. You got a little dime piece on the other, boy. And let me tell you this, even if it doesn't work out with her, dude, I have a feeling you have great things in store for your future. I really believe that. Thank you for your call, man.

You know, you get out there and hug that lady, hug that swan. Speaking of hugging a swan, you like that segue? My boy, Big Bo Drolt is out there and he called, this is the animal rights activist, or not even activist, just animal activist. This dude's

out there fucking with animals. And he works with animals out there, checking animals and feeling animal eggs and stuff in the wilderness and in the wild. Out there on Mother Nature's back strap. He's out there, you know, out there on Mother Nature's back strap, you know. He's out there feeling around, you know, up around Mother Nature's clavicle. And he got an issue with a swan.

Let's hear it out. Here we go. Thank you for calling, brother. Hey, Theo. How are you? This is your animal man calling to share that story about having to choke out that swan up in Alaska. Animal man. Thanks for calling, animal man.

Let's go more. It was a survival situation. Oh, it's a survival situation every time you have to choke out a swan, bruh. You know what I'm saying? The only people ever to do it, I think, are you and Billy Madison. Let's hear more. Not a hostage situation. And we were supposed to get a food drop

like in a waterproof bag, a bunch of food. We were out there three weeks and halfway through, a plane was supposed to fly over and drop a bag of food and the pilot... Sorry about that, man.

Coming from Costa Rica here where there's a rooster here. Damn, boy, you got cock in the back, son. Onward, thank you for this call. This is interesting. So you're supposed to get a food drop. And now a food drop, that's when you have a plane that's dropping all food. That's simple. Basically says, is what it says.

Onward. Doing his thing. So, yeah, the pilot couldn't get down low. He had to drop the bag from twice as high up, and the bag hit the river we were on. Exploded. All the food washed down the river. So we had another week and a half to go. Dang, man.

I'm sorry for laughing, dude. But sometimes I love it when shit like that happens. One time, somebody threw a pool ball, you know, like an eight ball from a pool table, but it was an 11 ball. Somebody threw it down the street and it hit this dude right in the leg and you couldn't hear it at all. But the dude was in so much pain. And I laughed. Sometimes shit like that is just funny. But watching people lose a week and a half worth of food into a river.

Yeah, that's up there. Onward. And we had to just kill whatever we could. So we shot a lot of grouse. We were making our way down the river. Everything was going fine, eating a lot of spruce grouse and rough grouse, a few geese. Oh, you hopped up on that grouse, huh? What you know in that grouse.

And then we were running out of bullets, and it was one of the last days and I came around the bend and saw a group of swans, trumpeter swans, which are either endangered or threatened. I think it sounds like you got one playing the cello right there with you now, On word. So I shot one in the back. Ooh, you shot a swan in the back? How many years of bad luck is that? More? The rest of them flew off, and that was the last bullet our shotgun shell we had.

So I ran up to the thing. I was alone, and once you get up to them, they're a lot bigger than you really expect. So the thing started hissing at me and beating me with its wings, and I grabbed on its neck thinking I could just choke it out, say goodnight. But the thing's neck is like a vacuum hose. It's really, really thick, and it was really beating me up with its wings. Oh, my God, man.

I can't even. This is so crazy. So you choking a swan out, and it's beating you up. More? Just had to turn its head around and around and around until it was dead, and then we ate it. Wasn't that good, even. Pretty tough, kind of a muddy taste. But, um, you ever eat any wild meat? Any road meat you found on the side of the road we ate part of an anaconda we found in argentina that was still moving a little bit

that wasn't that good either but anyway liked your keurig coffee ranch that is some bullshit that's basically hot bark mulch water keep it up the good work buddy bye-bye animal man thank you for calling in he's gonna call in other times as well that's a real story from animal man calling out of that costa rica and uh be well down there man i know you're down there checking out the animals and making sure that kingdom animalia is running 100, you know, running at top notch, you know, because sometimes, you know, Mother Nature needs a little bit of a needs a little helper. Just like Santa need helpers sometime to build those little wooden trains and stuff. or to fucking choke a duck out or to pet a deer or to bottle feed a porcupine like you see on Facebook sometimes. Sometimes Mother Nature needs assistance,

and it's good to see you out there doing some amazing work, man. So thank you for that, dude. Damn, you shot a swan in the back, yo. That shit don't end well. And I've never had swan meat. I've had some dove. I've had a little bit of dove. A couple brothers was grilling up a dove one time.

And that was out there outside of Natchez, Mississippi. And I copped a little bit of food with them. I denied them. They invited me a couple days to eat with them, to break dove. And finally I gave in, man, and had to be a little D, you know. I had to break a little dove with a couple of, honestly, black men. Sorry to say it. I don't want to scare anybody up in Oregon.

But these were black guys. What? What? What? What happened? I'm sorry, man. but these were black guys. What? What? What happened? I'm sorry, man. Because I do want this.

This is definitely a place for calling. Look, man, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. This is a place where anybody can call and disagree and this and that. You know? But don't tell me what air is like if you only lived in water. You know? That's my thing. You know? That's my thing. You know?

And I... So, I'd love to hear if you got thoughts on that. You guys let me know on that too. Am I being ridiculous? Am I generalizing? Maybe I am generalizing. Maybe I live in a time that doesn't even exist anymore in my brain. Where a man can say something. Without thinking like everything he says is wrong.

We're taking one last call here. We're going to stick on this animal topic. We've had a good... it's been a fun episode man. It's been cruising. 985-664-9503 is the hotline. You can hit it and I want you guys to hit it

by Wednesday. We'll be putting together the episode Wednesday evening for is porn cheating and would you invite another man to be in the bedroom to see your wife for is porn cheating? And would you invite another man to be in the bedroom to see your wife? And look, sometimes your first thought might be, no, I wouldn't,

or that's the thought I'm going to put on the call. But I want you to be real. I mean, I admitted to you, I've thought if I get married now and if I have to get out, if I want to circumvent the rules of my marriage, how would I do it? Or I would have to be partisan. I would have to go be, you know, allow my wife the same or discuss it with her first, obviously. But then what, you know, and then am I really going to be okay with that? When some man come and jousting, you know, some man trolling Wiener and my wife?

This makes you wonder. But we're going to stick with this animal. We're going to stick with this animal thing right here, man. I think. Actually, I'm going to. All right, here we go. This is. Hey, my name is John.

I'm from Northern California, but I just moved up here to Washington. Oh, John from Northern California to Washington. In the middle of nowhere. And I just moved whose house I moved into, said that, you know, the dog really doesn't usually like people. Okay, so you got a new dog friend, a new friend that's a dog. Okay. This sounds like life's going well for you. And you got a new friend that's an animal. And that's better than people these days sometimes, aren't we?

Me and him hit it off pretty quickly you know and we've been hanging out we've been best buddies we've been doing walks together um i don't think that means best buddies you know i mean i appreciate what you're saying but i don't know if that's best buddies necessarily but let's hear more but today i i was jerking it, and the dog was in the room, and I kind of wasn't really thinking anything of it. But after I jerked it, like, the dog was just growling at me, and it's still growling at me. Every time I try to go and, like, give him some scratches, give him some love like I do he's fucking growling at me like he doesn't want anything to do with me and

well yeah buddy I'm going to stop you there John I appreciate the call you know of course the dog don't want to spend time with you if you've been masturbating by it and I don't blame it

you know it probably looked at what happened when you were touching yourself and your body's spraying out you know like that boy TJ Will Karam in that spa, in that whirlpool.

And it's probably thinking, well, if he touches me, is the same thing going to happen to me? You know, am I just going to start spitting up in the yard? So that's probably some of what's going on, brother. So I wouldn't, you know, I think you need to just relax a little bit. You know, maybe steer clear of the animal. Give him a little bit of space. You just jerked off next to him. So I want you to give him a little bit of room in his life, man.

But thank you guys for being with me this week, man. Thank you guys for being all with me. We've been growing, man. Things are going good. I want to thank Sherb for the editing. Chris, we got a producer stopped in today. Chris we got a producer stopped in today and we got

and we got our our Patreoners and thank you guys so much everybody happy belated Thanksgiving we're moving into Christmas we're still getting some things out of our system it's the end of the year

hit the hotline [phone] bless everybody that's getting into recovery or going through those things or making any effort to make their life different or better or to try something new. And bless us all.

Figure it all out as we continue to learn. You know? I mean, I'm just trying to not kill myself or others while I continue to learn. That's going to be my goal for this week. So keep your head up. Be good to yourselves because you probably deserve it. And I'll see you guys.

I'll see you guys, I think, on Thursday. We'll get this Thursday episode up. And shout out to Gray Block Pizza always. Go to Gray Block. That's on Pico Boulevard, Los Angeles. Get that hitter. Y'all be good. ¶¶ My misery. You know that soon we're gonna die. Let's have some fun while we all die.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean?

I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.