This Past Weekend - 2-19-18 War of the States | This Past Weekend #75

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

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This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block, for that pizza you need. This past weekend... Yeah. It's Monday. And some of you guys might have recognized a little bit of that riff right there. And I wanted to get you guys a gift since I didn't get to talk to you on Valentine's. And that's that gift right there. And that's from Tiny Sand Who. And that's that magic man, that magic, that Pied Piper in the distance. You

know, he's that wild soldier who's just firing arrows at us, beautiful arrows from far away. And that's Tiny Sand Who. And he sent that to me on my inbox for Valentine's and he said, give this to the people. And actually, I'll read the email right here. He said, hey, yo, sorry about the tardiness. Hope this shit get there in time. Just crank this out. And I decided to show some respect, Mr. John Mayer, too,

with a cover of his song, Another Kind of Green. And so that it is right there from Tiny Sandhu, from me to you right there. Let's hear one more time a little bit of that riff. And that sound, if you notice, it sounds a little bit like a pigeon trying to learn to swim a little bit. If you listen to that, you know what I'm saying? Take that vibe in as you're, it sounds a little bit like a pigeon trying to learn to swim a little bit. If you listen to that, you know what I'm saying? Take that vibe in as you're hearing it. You know, it's got a little bit of that tinge of it's like somebody trying to jerk you off while you're trying to kind of hold your breath underwater.

If that means anything to anyone, take that in while you hear it trying to hold your breath and somebody trying to jerk you off a little and now then he catapults listen to's going to take us up that staircase right here. Come on, Tiny. You can do it. Tiny, get big. That's that tiny sand who right there. Happy belated Valentine's and happy February 19th. And that last riff there by Tiny, man, he just, you know, when he really blows up there at the end and he just lets it all hang out, it sounds a little bit. It sounds like somebody just putting kind of just lukewarm caramel onto a baby's back. If you'll hear this one more time, take that in while you get this. There he comes in with that knife.

You got that jar. And that's that creamy right there. Tiny putting that creamy on that baby's back. Cream that baby up, boy. Put a little bit of chunky on his soft neck. He's spreading that sweet peanut butter, spreading that sweet caramel onto a baby right there. And that's that beautiful hitter right there from Tiny Sand Who. Good to be back with you guys.

Sorry I didn't get a Thursday episode up, but you know what? That's how life does it. Had a crazy week. We're doing the, we got a pilot for Comedy Central, you know, and I'm grateful. It's a digital series. You know, they're putting us on the digital, the digital network. You know, we're going to put it out there. And it's based on the podcast, you know.

So it's, you know, it's young dudes and young women, you know, and even maybe even people that's, you know, in the middle. People that's running that dual, you know, dual sex citizenship. People that's running both operating systems at the same time, you know, transgender. Everybody's welcome on the show. But yeah, it's like helping people get tight. Because we all running a little bit loose. I'm coming to you from La Jolla. I'm down here in La Jolla, California.

Just went for a run. I'm here at the La Jolla Comedy Store. I want to thank everybody that's come out. We've sold all the shows out so far. Just been two shows on Friday. We got two tomorrow. Down here with Little Ehsan. And he is Middle Eastern.

And we also have another gentleman named Jeremy Scipio, who is a young black gentleman. Both friends of mine. And Jeremy kind of has that syndrome where it's like a white man kind of stuck into a black man's body. And if you ever met a real... If they had Death of a Salesman, Jeremy would play Willie Loman. He's got that... He's that briefcase brother. He's like that.

But both very funny men. We've been having a good time. The show's already sold out for the rest of the weekend, hopefully. So I'm coming to you guys. And it's beautiful. And the sun is hitting this bedroom right now. I just went for a run. Man, La Jolla, you go for a run out here.

I mean, everybody's beautiful. They got tits and ass. And, you know, I saw a girl had a chin implant that was at least a fucking, you know, a small B cup. I'm like, damn. She got them chits, you know, them chin tits. And she had them. And so there's just beauty running up and down. I mean, my goodness.

You know, you just see all of it. And people putting, you know, slicking her in her hair and gelling their bodies up and getting outside and letting people kind of see their skin. And you could see pets. Even the pets are fucking beautiful. I mean, even the pets are damn. I mean, I saw a, I saw, I think it was a Bichon or something or an Australian Terrier. And that thing had some, I mean, that thing had some hips on it, to be honest. And I don't look at animals like that. I never have.

But that thing had some hips on it. But good to be back, man. Good to be with you guys. You know, I want to update you on a few things. We got the Hamster Rancher video. It's just been this past week I didn't get time to rest. You know, I booked too many comedy sets, and I was shooting a pilot all day each day. And then I had to take a train down here to La Jolla.

And, you know, I'm grateful. I'm grateful to be busy. But that lifestyle is fast. You know, it's fast. And at the same time, you know, I'm trying to keep my head above water. And just last weekend, I forgot my medication at home. I don't know if anybody's ever been without their medication. But, man, you'll get bent out.

The first day, if I don't take antidepressant the first day, I'm okay. I don't notice it. But that second day, boy, you know, they could have a bunch of birds outside. And all I'll hear, I'll hear like a, you know, I'll hear, you know, I'll hear like an angry crow. You know, they'll have a bunch of sparrows chirping and doing the, you know, doing the Lord's verbal diligence. But I'll hear like an angry crow like half a mile away. You know, and that's what sometimes being off the antidepressants does for me. Makes me all bent out.

Makes me, you know, just real on edge. You know, like I'm, you know, like I'm, like I'm, like I'm, like I'm living on, like my, like my brain is, is, is living on a, on an inline roller skate. You know those inline roller skates where the wheels are in a row? It's like my brain is riding on one of those. And it's just wobbling. It's wobbling. So it took me a couple days, man. I had to regroup.

And I just hit that run out here. I got that four mile hitter in. Because one of my goals this year is to get that body pump. You know, and some people, they like that old fashioned body pump. You know, you outside and, you know, putting butter on the legs and pushing, you know, going to prison just to, you know, be able to work out that old kind of, that old school kind of shit. But I like that. I like that, you know, you go to the gym, you get that maybe 70 minute workout in and you get that full body pump. I like my whole body to feel pumped up. You know, some people want that one muscle group. I want that whole body pump.

You know, I want to feel like my, you know, my skin kind of lifted off the bone a little bit. You know, I want to feel kind of light in the legs. You know, I want to feel like, you know, I want to feel my balls kind of bubbling up by the top of my sack. You know, I want to feel that body pump. I want to feel that warmth. I want to feel it inside of me. So yeah, I'm down here in La Jolla and it's been good. And thank you guys for your support. Had a good time in Portland last week. Some people wrote in like Theo, what happened in Portland? What was going on? And I didn't comment much on it, you know? And then, you know, I thought more about it and I'm like, well, some things, you know, I should comment on, and some things I shouldn't comment on, and the only, and,

and, you know, I had a good experience at Harvey's, you know, we had a lot of great people come out, a lot of people came out, I mean, I honestly, and I want to put some photos up, I probably had 10 people that came out, it was their first time ever at a comedy show, you know, and that's pretty amazing, you know, and that's pretty amazing, you know, just to have that, that opportunity to be somebody's inaugural experience, but we just had an issue one night on the, on the stage, it was, I think it was the third show on Saturday or something, the emcee was just going through a tough time, and he and I got into some differences backstage, and, and he just he just you know he just said some

offensive stuff and then he brought me on the stage and so it was just awkward you know and I'm not I'm not but look I'll I'll take responsibility like I probably you know could have been kinder to him off stage maybe I or I could have recognized maybe if he was going through a tough time you know I don't think I was as keen as I could have been. But yeah, so then it was just awkward. So this dude's like, you know, F bomb this, F this guy, fuck Dio, blah, blah, blah. Then I got to come out and perform. So it was the strangest thing I've ever been through.

You know, I've never had an issue at any comedy club I've ever been to in my life. Ever. I'm trying to think of one issue that I've had. Maybe, you know, people in the audience being wild. One lady bought a snake one time down near El Paso. One lady bought a rattler and let that bitch loose. Because it was her birthday or something.

Or, you know, her brother's quinceanera or something. And they set it off and they let a rattler loose at that club. But outside of that, I've never been involved in anything at a comedy club. One time, actually a long, long time ago, me and a gentleman did get into an argument. He was in the audience,

and I got into the crowd and had to choke him down a little, give him that light choke, bro, give him that fucking hard scarf, you know? And the problem was while we're sitting there wrestling on the ground, I had the microphone with me the whole time. So we're arguing, fighting, rolling around and the whole audience can hear every little part of it, you know, even to the point where, you know, when you like, you know, when a

fight stalls out and the two dudes are just like, let me go. You let me go. I'll let you go. Let go of my hair. You let go of my hair. Let go of my, you let, all right, one, two, three, boom, right? And then everybody lets go. The audience was listening to all of that up close because I had the microphone right there with me. So man, by the time we stood up from that, the audience was howling. Because it was like they were behind the scenes on a fight. You know, they were behind the scenes on a fight. So, but yeah, that was the thing. The guy was like, fuck you. You know, Theo's a fucking asshole.

And he brought me up. And it was just, you know. And I didn't say anything on stage. And I probably, that's, well, I just didn't want the crowd to feel uncomfortable. Because it was really uncomfortable you know and I know the guy's probably going through so you know the dude had you know he hadn't been having a good weekend at all and and he was you know he was opening up the show and I'd asked him not to use profanity at the front of the show because you know I drop I drop some and I you know one of the rules in

comedy is if you're too blue up front then it doesn't leave room for the dude at the end to be blue you know like if the first guy drops a bunch of f-bombs then you know the crowd might not be ready for all that and so it just can make it tricky out of the gate so anyhow that was the situation am i blaming the dude you know no i'm not but here's a crazy part the club left him in the building so here's a dude that was like threatening me and then brings me up on stage and then the club just is serving him booze the whole time and left him in the building so then he brings me off stage at the end. So when I get off stage, he's coming back up and I'm thinking, is this dude want to wrestle? You know, does this dude have a dagger? You know, is he going to try to, you know, do we

have a syringe of bleach and he's trying to, going to try to get me in the neck? You know, is he going to try to give me that ultimate white neck? So it was just poorly run. I will say that. And the people that booked me and everything were cool, but it was poorly run. And so I want to apologize to my fans that came out and were in an environment that they felt was poorly run. Because I take responsibility for what my fans come out to see, you know. A lot of my fans are my friends. So I take responsibility for what they come out to see.

And if they come out to a show and the emcee, the dude who's, you know, is yelling, fuck this dude. You know, I'll fuck him up, all of this shit. And the club's letting them stay in the building because they're not paying attention to their own stage. Because they're just worried about whatever else, then you know what? That's not, it's not a fair way to treat somebody. And it's not a fair way to treat audience members. And I feel like at that point, I'm like, and I'm not whining about it. You know, it's like, you know, the dude was going through a tough time.

I get it, man. We all go through tough stuff, you know, And I'm not even generally mad at the guy. I'm really not. You know, I've been there. You know, I've been through. I've been through. I've had a lot of anger. You know, and I'll admit I had some part in it.

I probably could have handled myself a little bit better with the guy. You know, recognize he was going through things. But the club that leaves a dude in there, that wasn't cool. It wasn't cool. So outside of that, I think most of the people that came out, we had a great experience, you know, and that was that, and that was that, but everybody's been asking, and so, you know, I wanted to comment on it. I'm not saying don't go back to the club. I'm not saying that they're not a good place. But I'll say that it was hell. It was the most awkward experience I've ever had at a club over the weekend. I will say that, you know.

Anyhow, what else, man? Let's get into what else. I got that body pumping. And I'm down here in La Jolla. You know, one of the things that happened to me sometimes. this used to happen a lot when I was on the road. You know, you'll get a couple of Muppets that'll reach out trying to catch that meat, you know. You know, you get some ladies you haven't talked to in a while and they hollering at daddy. They see daddy's name on a sign, they dropping, you know, a text, you know.

Remember this? I met you, you know you six years ago behind the Mexican grill. Remember this? You used to know my girl Janet. We met up by the we all went over to the park and we're on a swing set drinking liquor. You remember this? It's like you got to fend some of that off. You know, I notice as I get in this zone, I got to get a little more focused on my shows, man. You know, now when I was a little bit younger, I'd be out there, you know,

and, you know, a lot of these ladies whistling at this meet. And a lot of ladies trying to catch this hit of ham in their jaw. But now I'm trying to, of ladies trying to catch this hit of ham in their jaw. But now I'm trying to stay focused. I got my eye on the prize. And I just put an orange slice in my mouth. And I'm sorry, I know people don't like to hear people eat, but I just put a beautiful little orange slice in my mouth. And God damn, that thing was beautiful.

I mean, I love oranges. Now, some of y'all know, my brother used to eat a lot of oranges when we were children. And I strongly remember watching him eat oranges. And I just remember thinking, man, that boy, he's got it made, you know. Because my, you know, I was in the environment where like, one of your siblings would go off and get something and then bring it back just for them. Nobody was bringing back two oranges. So you'd be like, damn, this motherfucker got an orange, huh?

It'd be Christmas, and you're like, damn, look at this bitch with that Christmas orange. And you'd watch them eat that thing. And you'd watch them, you know, rip into the shell of that thing, that orange shell, and just see some of that skeet just fly out that orange, you know? And that's just the Lord's backwash flying out of that thing. And just say, oh, man, you try to catch it in your mouth in the air because you knew that was all you were going to get. And you sit there and watch your sibling eat something thinking maybe they give you that last piece. You remember that? Be like, damn, he down to two slices left on this orange. Oh, I know one of these

gotta be for me. And fucking nothing, bro. Nothing, bro. Nothing, man. Those are the old days, man. Those were the old days. But yeah, what else, man? I'm down here in La Jolla. It's beautiful.

If you haven't been to La Jolla and you want to go to a good place, a lot of people come out to Los Angeles and stuff to, you know, do holidays. Get that La Jolla in. This thing's fire, man. This thing is fire. And, you know, I didn't chime in over Valentine's, and I just want to express my love, man. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys, for all your love and support. You know, we had a call come in about Valentine's. We're going to get into that. We're also going to get into we had a call coming from somebody considering adult sexual

prostitution, maybe light prostitution service work. We're going to get into that. We're going to discuss what state would win if all the states went to war, which could happen. Which state's going to win at all? That's what I which could happen which state's gonna win it all that's what i want to know and uh and i got some ideas and i know you guys do too some of you guys

hit the hotline and as always if you have any thoughts or comments from this week's episode you can hit the hotline [phone] and comment on whatever we have going on. I want to let you guys know that that's it. Let's go, man. Let's get into it. This was a call that we had come in about Valentine's. Here we go. Theo, it's your boy Scotty J down in West Palm. Scotty J down in West Palm.

And I have spent time down in West Palm. And last time I was there, I won about $800 at the casino there, at the Hard Rock Casino. And also, one of the first girls I ever met off a tender, I met down there in West Palm. And she ended up getting married years later. Onward. I wanted to give you my story about how I almost died on Valentine's Day.

Love hurts, brother. You almost died on Valentine's Day? Love hurts, man. That's a fact, Scotty. That's a fact. Onward. I almost died on Valentine's Day back in third grade, so I was getting a piggyback ride from one of my homies in school. It's a bigger black kid named Jason. Whoa. And right there, I'm going to stop you, man. I mean, piggyback ride, probably the least safest form of travel after Greyhound bus. You got Greyhound bus. And then I think you go to big, you go to piggyback ride. You know, it's like, you know, you got Greyhound bus and you go to piggyback ride, man.

So this is already out the gate is dangerous. You riding on a brother. Onward. I said, let go. He didn't hear me. I let my hands go. He didn't let my legs go and I smacked the ever living shit out of my head. The only thing I remember most of that or much of that day is waking up in the nurse's office and then telling me to ride my bike home. Okay, already got a couple issues in this Valentine's story. First of all, he heard you. He heard you say don't. He heard you say let go. He didn't want to let go, man. Because the funnest thing to do when you're young is to have your boy struggle. And if he can, you know, suddenly he's giving you that reverse wheelbarrow.

You know? He's giving you that dirty dancer. You know, he's just holding you. You know, he got your legs up behind his rear waist and he's dragging your hair along the ground. He's giving you that free salon visit. He's just dragging your hair through the dirt. Next thing you know, your head hit the ground, and you end up in a nursing office. My brother told me I hit every garbage can on our street. When I got home, I couldn't really speak much English. It sounded like a little bit of gibberish.

And I couldn't open my hand to take the Advil from my mom. So she rushed me to the hospital. And when I got there, I threw up everywhere immediately walking in. And they took me right back and took care of me. So I guess the moral of the story would be, you got to go to the emergency room, throw up as soon as you walk in. They got no choice but to take you. It's not a bad thought.

Puke as you enter. I mean, that could work for a lot of places. You know, your stepmother's house, your aunt-in-law, any of those places, man. Puke as you enter. So, yeah, man. I mean, honestly, it don't sound like that fucking bad, dude. People get murdered on Valentine's.

People come home and find their spouse getting holed out by a big brother. You know? So, I don't know if this is that bad of a circumstance. You hurt your head in third grade, brother. I mean, it's... I appreciate the call. You know, it's risky.

Piggyback. One of the riskiest forms of travel, dude. And we all know that, man. And it's a gateway also to homosexuality. And I'm not saying homosexuality is bad or anything. But I'm just saying it could happen. It could happen.

And that's it, man. That's what's up there. You know, dude, I'm running out on this beach. I can't even tell you how nice it is down here in Florida right now. La Jolla. I'm looking out and I just see, you know, I'm looking out and I just see, you know, I see the trees and I see the beach

and it literally looks like Florida. It looks like Florida, man. You know, and, you know, I don't want to get into it, but my heart and thoughts and, you know, and my love goes out to all the people dealing with the tragedy there in Florida.

And that's, I know that's a tough time and it's tough to see that. You know, and it's, I don't know. I don't know how you find the solution. You know, it makes me want, like, I've never been a parent, but I just wonder how hard is it to know if your kids have guns? You know, if your kids are not doing well. You know, maybe it's just really hard to know.

You know, because, yeah, I mean, because look, you can argue the gun thing all day. It would be great if they, I'd love it if they didn't make any more guns. You know, I'd love it if they made a, you know, if they made a law a lot of times that we got enough guns, you know. I'd like it if we went back to bow and arrows

and see who's a real boss. You know, I'd like that action sometimes. But even more so beyond that, it's just, how do we know if somebody's okay or not? How do we know if a dude's alright? Because everybody says, oh, we had that kid in our club. We had that guy in our, you know.

And I don't think the video games help either when you got these shoot-em-up type games. But I don't know if that influences people. I don't know. Oh, man, but it's just such a tragedy of just children going to school. And then, you know, and then they're going to heaven. And it's just disheartening. And then the media blows it all out. Now everything is a social, it's a commentary on society.

And it's a commentary on, immediately it's a commentary on politics. I wish somebody would shoot up one of these news networks. There you go. That'd be somebody with some real balls. But I just, I feel horrible. Because imagine a lot of these parents, they probably feel, as much as they don't want to,

they probably feel some sadness also for the shooter, for the kid. Because obviously something was wrong with him. Obviously he was hurting. And I'm sure as a parent, you just don't want to see any child hurt. Alright, man. I didn't mean to bring us into that hole right there. But it's a real thing.

They didn't have that when I was young, I don't think. I mean, they had kids do guns. You know, they had a one of my friends was playing Russian roulette. His brother and his brother was playing Russian roulette and accidentally killed himself. Another young man was playing, had a gun out at a party and accidentally killed himself. You know, I mean, definitely when there's a gun in the room, I don't get super, I'm not the guy that gets comfortable. I'm the guy that usually leaves the room.

If there's booze and guns in the room, and you're not like in a hunting environment, I'm out. I'm out. Because it's usually a knucklehead that brings a gun into that type of environment. But talking about that and talking about what's going on in these and making people mentally healthy. And then I wonder what factor of it is like,

do people even, do humans even mean as much to other humans as they used to? You know, like to, is that, is there, is there something there where we're starting to just lose the human connection? Where we've, you just look at other humans and you don't get that feeling that we're the same thing anymore or something. You know, I'm talking about something in the air and the zeitgeist that just, that we're not, that connectivity isn't there. That used to be there. I mean, you used to need humans. You know, there was a time when you needed humans for everything. And now, you can kind of not need humans if you want.

You can go a whole day and really not need any humans. You can just need machines. They even have something called life support. It's a machine. You can just need machines. They even have something called life support. It's a machine. You can just be on that. You know, back in the day, if you wanted, you know, some support, you had to go to an actual person, have them just, you know, cheer you on, hold your hand, tell you they love you. Now they got a life support, a machine. So it's

just maybe, you know, times are changing i don't know i don't know man it's just a lot it's a lot if you let it be a lot i guess but i guess you know what i try to do instead right now i'm just trying to embrace this embrace what's going on embrace you know the things that are exciting i got to ride down on that train yesterday they had a uh and i'm not gonna say that this gentleman was a gay man, but he seemed predominantly gay. Kind of an older black gentleman dressed up. And he asked if he could sit on my lap.

And look, I don't want a senior to not have a place to sit down. You know, and I said, he goes, I know this is going to sound, you know, and I said, he goes, I know this is going to sound, you know, crazy or surprising, but the train is so full. I was wondering if I could just kind of just sit right here by you. And, but by like, by me, he kind of lowered his, his, you know, buttocks and his, you know, upper leg onto my leg. I'm like, that's not by me. i'm thinking that's on me and so i was like well i'll get up you could sit down he's like no i don't want you to not to have a seat you know we could probably make this work you know it's just awkward man and then he you know when it was obvious it was uncomfortable for me he meandered down the train and find another man

who was more willing to get into all of that and it's's, but it was a nice ride. It was a good ride. It was a good ride. So let's talk about this, man. Let's talk about if the world, if America was, you know,

because people are getting separated. You got to keep them separated. That's starting to happen. Because places are so different. Places live by different ideals and what means something to them. Things are getting separated and I don't blame it.

I don't think that the congruency that a lot of, there's this whole agenda kind of thing that pushes this, we're all equals, we're all the same, but it's not the reality. It's not the reality. And I think there's people that just want that. I think there's some people that believe in that and they believe that in that because their perspective of the world is that,

that we are all the same in it. Everything in their little world, it makes sense. And then I think there's other people, it's like, that's not what's going on. It's a great idea, but that's not what's going on. And I think people are, you know, kind of getting back to or finding things that make them, you know, will start to take pride in things that are more local. You know, there's been more local news has been watched in the past year. Did you know that? And that hasn't been the case for probably 10 years. I'm sure it's been on the decline, maybe 20.

People are just trying to get back to their roots a little bit, find things that are real to them, find things that they know are accurate in their life, and latch on to those a little bit more. And so that's why I think you can see the states. I think you can see an all-out state versus state war. And who would win? Where would that start? What would that even look like? What would that even look like?

Would your state have a chance? What would that look like? We had a couple calls that came in, and I'm going to pepper those in with my own thoughts and ideas. Let's start off with one of those. Here we go. Hey, Theo. it's Chris calling from Waldo, Maine. Waldo, Maine. I'm sure everybody pull a Where's Waldo on it. I dressed up like Where's Waldo one time for Halloween more than one time before everybody else did. Everybody got on to that shit for a while. I did that shit when I was in 8th grade and my boy Tickly Todd drank You know, everybody got on to that shit for a while. I did that shit when I was in eighth grade.

And my boy Tickly Todd drank some gasoline at the gas station. Because we were also on mushrooms and he had to go home early. Onward. Thanks for calling, Chris. I'm just calling about your topic of the states going against each other in like a war scenario. And basically, my idea is Maine, my home state, would be most likely to be successful in this situation because of all the wholehearted people here, you know? Okay, you're saying Maine's going to be successful

because of the wholehearted people? This isn't a bake-off, Chris. Okay, this isn't recipes aren't coming into play this is a war brother this isn't who got the most pecans in their you know in their basket wholeheartedness ain't gonna help this isn't who owns the most episodes of little house on the prairie on cassette let's hear more we have dairy farmers we have lobstermen. We have everybody out here. Bro, y'all got milk and shellfish. Two of the most things that people are most allergic to.

Dairy and shellfish. Y'all going to have gout and diarrhea, bro. By the end of the first battle. Let's hear more. I once knew a lobsterman. He was fishing out there, and he was baiting the trap because bait bags are going to lobster traps. And he broke his finger on that fishing boat.

He drank himself a gallon, I think it was, or a half gallon of coffee brandy, and he was good to go. It's their medicine out here. You give our war force a little bit of coffee brandy, some half and half milk from our strong dairy farmers, and I think, honestly, we would succeed. Succeed at what? Succeed at seasickness?

You just named one man who broke his finger trying to fish. So I got to say, out of the gate, Maine would be out. I've been up to Maine. It's a lot of people growing their own weed, arguing with the cops. And the cops are also at home growing their own weed. Okay, I spent some time off of Osborough Island out there, John Travolta country. Went and we had dinner with Kirstie Alley one time when I was a child. A friend of mine knew her.

And I tried to finger bang a chick in an attic out there who I was in love with. And also hit a bat with a, hit a, like a vampire, not a vampire bat, but like a regular American bat with a tennis racket. So I've been through some shit out there. You know, Maine is just a bunch of unfinished houses, a lot of rainwater. I mean, it's good people. You got the Black Bears. That's y'all's state mascot for the state,

for the college, University of Maine, I think, but I'm going to say this. I don't think you guys get out of that bracket, out of that northeastern bracket, no way. You guys are probably, y'all would escape to Canada out out of the gate i'm gonna say that for maine you know new hampshire's right there with you guys i think new you know i mean new hampshire i think most y'all's force would probably be i'm guessing wholehearted lesbians you know you want to talk about wholehearted i'm talking about that vitamin d 100 milk fat lesbians that would be a lot of that workforce, that war force out of New Hampshire.

And I think that hamp right there, I think that hamp. I mean, here's the thing that Maine does have though. Maine has a lot of people that are used to living in the woods. So you'd have that kind of militia style. But y'all are a lot of vegans. But y'all are a lot of vegans. A lot of people up there eating raspberries and cultivated scabs. Just bad granola.

I don't think y'all are going to have the energy to withstand. Y'all know about a lot of roots and stuff like that. So you could live in the woods for a while. So I'd say this. Maine would beat New Hampshire. I think you guys would probably struggle against Vermont. And Vermont and New Hampshire, let's be honest, they're really just the same thing to people. Okay, I know that New Hampshire, I think, is John Irving country. He wrote a lot of those books, Cider House Rules.

You know, you got a lot of wrestlers and a lot of rich kids up there going to private schools and stuff like that. But the truth is, that's a great white north. A lot of people hopped up on syrup, sucking on trees, smoking dope. You know, you got the basketball team up there, the Catamounts. I don't think that's going to help. You know, they're super pale, way pale. You know, people look like they're allergic to the sun.

I don't think anybody makes it out of that bracket. Now, I think then you get over to Massachusetts. And I think Massachusetts, I think Connecticut. Connecticut would get their ass kicked by Rhode Island. I'm going to go with that if we're starting in this Northeast bracket. Connecticut doesn't have a shot. Connecticut's a lot of rich people, a lot of people from New York and stuff hiding their money out in Connecticut. They got these really fancy homes. They got these rolling hills outside of Hartford. You got the British out there. It's basically British. It's a lot of people trying to pretend that they're not British and they do look British.

They got these little rock walls outside of their houses. It's fancy. It's richy rich. A lot of covered bridges out there. So I'll say this. Connecticut could stand back in these homes and protect themselves with some long range weaponry. But let me say this, man. You get some boys out of Hartford, you give them a little bit of gas money, they take over that countryside, I think.

I think. But Providence, I think, will whoop everybody's ass. Providence is wild. Providence is wild. I mean, I saw a dude one time in Providence. He was shaving, right? And he was thirsty. He cut his tongue with his razor and just took a sip of blood for his own thirst. And that's Providence. I saw a dude one time eat a paper bag, man, with mustard on the outside of it.

Spicy mustard. And that's lunch. That ain't lunch to me, but that was lunch to him. And that's Providence out there. You know, people eating paperworks. So I think you'd probably have Rhode Island sneak in, but there's just, you know, they might take Connecticut. But Massachusetts is going to take all of that. Massachusetts has them wild alcoholic boys out there in Amherst.

A lot of alcoholism. You got Boston, these Patriot fans. And then what's going to happen? You're going to have New York. And New York City, man, it's not the same as it used to be. Let's be honest. You want to talk about a place as low-key, secretly, as gentrified as possible? We're talking about Manhattan.

It's a lot of mookity-mooks over there. A lot of high rent. You know, Alphabet City down there on the Lower East Side is the only place you can even get a fucking good grandma dope or anything or heroin or even, you know, you can catch some good hookers or something here and there if you want it. But outside of that, New York City's, man, overall, it's not what it used to be. Now, you get out into the burbs, you got some stuff happening. You know, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, those people probably aren't even going to fight. This ain't like the newsies back in the day when Christian Bale and the boys would argue over

you know the price of newspapers and what was being printed these dudes nowadays a lot of soft cats out there so you can have a lot of dudes saying you know Williamsburg like like you're reading Williamsburg graffiti in the bathroom,

you'll read like, you know, Derek sucks dick, but only if he's okay with it. You know, you read shit like that. You're like, well, who cares? It's just supposed to say Derek sucks dick. You know, it's not real. Nobody even knows who Derek is. It's not a real thing. It's graffiti, but they're too, they'll be too, they'll be, you know they'll be trying to make too much peace. They'll be trying to make too much peace in a war. They won't realize it's called a war. And they'll be trying to do all this

peace stuff and wear all these fancy sneakers. And I think New York is taken out. I think New York is taken out. New York City. I think they get taken out though by the real hitters. Rochester, Buffalo, Albany. They had a guy on a Greyhound bus out there outside of Albany cut another man's head off at a rest area. Do you know the savageness have to be in someone to take another man's head off with probably a not even decent blade? man's head off with probably a not even decent blade. I can barely go pee at a rest area and this man is doing upper body work. Okay. Okay. So I think New York is going to be going in strong, but it's going to be a lot of them real boys out of Buffalo, Rochester, you know, out of Binghamton,

you know, it's going to be a lot of real boys coming up there out of Syracuse. Not the people that go to the college, but the people that live in the town. You know, I'm talking about people with neck tattoos, a lot of blue breaths, a lot of real cats out there. A lot of people that got, you know, a lot of people that have tattoos of other family members on their body. Gang, gang. So that's at Northeast. I think you got New York. But I think a lot of it.

And then you got New York and Massachusetts. And I think New York gets that. New York gets that. Because they just have so many more little pockets of hidden people. In Boston they tough. But also Boston's got a lot of you know. Hidden waspy whatever. You know fancy pants.

You know it's a lot of uh you know the gateway city of college the river of colleges all of this it's a lot of mookity mooks you know not it's a lot of people who don't wash their own silverware so i think that's what you're going to get right there and you get new york that takes that region so out of there you got new york predominantly upstate new york taking that region that's where i out of there, you got New York, predominantly upstate New York taking that region. That's where I'm starting at. And that's what I'm going to pull out of that main conversation. Chris, I appreciate your call.

Let's take another call right here. Here we go. Hey, Theo, this is Ryan. And even though I'm from the state of Pennsylvania, I'm going to have to say Hawaii would probably win the war of the states, just due to the fact that they're so isolated from the rest of the country. And they have the natural defense system of the ocean around them. And I doubt the other states would have, like, a developed Navy or Air Force.

So they'd probably just be the last man standing, basically, because no one wants to go and fuck with them. And they could probably even negotiate with Kimboy over in Korea and borrow some nukes maybe to use. So I'm going to have to go with Hawaii. Wow.

I didn't even think, here's the crazy part, and I hate to say this, I'm not trying to be rude, I didn't even think about Hawaii. And the truth is, probably nobody did. It's that secret state. You know, it's that state where you get done counting them all and you're like, damn, what did I forget? And it's Hawaii. And if you're watching on YouTube right now, it's probably getting a little dim in here. That's because the sun went down and the lampage that I'm using in here isn't super solid.

But if you're on audio, you're still good. Ryan, that's a great point. I appreciate that call. Yeah, Hawaii, you don't think about that. You guys have all the water. You guys are going to have military vessels that are going to be sitting out there. Now, New York, I don't even give you guys credit. You'll have a little bit of that harbor. But to be able to access that harbor over there in New York, I mean, you're dealing with a lot of other countries.

A lot of other, you know, you're dealing with, you know, it's just, it's going to be tight over there on the East coast getting out of that Harbor. So I think that Harbor ends up being kind of nullified over there on that Upper East Coast. But Hawaii, it's a four hour flight from California. So yeah, Hawaii would probably become this, this, all right, you guys would just be this safe place, I think,

where people, the fight wouldn't come to there. And it would have to be if you guys wanted to go and get into the fight and I don't think you would. And I think you guys would just be able to find some peace over there

on your island or divide into, you know, go off into the separate islands, Kauai and, you know, certain people with certain beliefs and everything end up in those islands

and defending their own territories. That's a great point, man. Hawaii's going to tie no matter who it is. All right, let's get into another call here that came in. Here we go. What's up, Theo? It's your boy, Brian,

from Bonita Springs, Florida again. Hey, Brian. Thanks for Brian, from Bonita Springs, Florida, again. Hey, Brian. Thanks for calling in from Bonita Springs. And I've been down there one time. I don't remember what I was doing, but I also remember trying to make love to a woman that worked at a... What was that place called? It was a bakery. Baker's Rack? I'm not sure. Onward? Man, I'm calling about if all the states started fighting each other in a war man i want to say florida would win but we're out here sleeping a lot of people they're on them pills out here so i really don't think florida would even be even in the top 20 oh yeah that's dilaudid country you get out out there in the mid-Florida, man,

you don't even know. The candy machine, the candy machine gots opioids in it. You know, you give a kid a nickel and he comes back, you know, he come back with a couple of, a little handful of cinnamon opioids. So yeah, I think you do deal with some of that over there.

Onward, let's hear more of your call. Oh, that's speculation, man. And that's hat wear speculation and alcohol speculation let's hear more i got some spurs on the back of a pair of new balances with a damn revolver on their hips so i think they're probably already ready for a war now i'll agree with you there that I think I wouldn't be surprised if Texas might already be ready. Let's look at that southeast region. Let's take that into account really quick.

Okay, so Florida, you think you guys might be too pilled up. But you have all those bays and outlets to water. You have all that water access. I think there would be a lot of interstate war in Florida before. That's the problem.

Some of these states aren't on the same page enough. People from Miami, they're all going to leave and go back to whatever original country that they came from, pretty much. Tampa, I mean, that's pirate country. So a lot of them are going to get their boats out and be ready to rock. So you can have that Navy right there out of Tampa. Orlando, those people are all going to fly back to their original states because they're all down there from Instagram and Disney.

And then you'll have Jacksonville. Jacksonville's a bunch of hard hits. And I think a lot of Jacksonville, they might roll up to Atlanta and join up with Atlanta. So I think you'd have North Florida versus South Florida. And who's going to win that one?

I mean, you have a lot of guns. Actually, from Pensacola to Jacksonville, I think you have a lot of guns. And I think a lot of those people might join forces. Now, Miami, if you see in the first 48, they got a lot of guns in Miami. So I think Florida would implode. You would have too many people fighting amongst themselves. I think a lot of these northern cities, Pensacola, Panama City Beach, Tallahassee, Jacksonville, they would probably move off to join other cities. They'd move off to join Atlanta. They'd move off to join Atlanta. They move off to join Mobile.

And also some over to New Orleans. I think you'd have Tampa, where also a fleet would leave. Planted to go attack, but they would probably start drinking. A lot of Buccaneers fans. They've got that cannon. And next you know, they would end up in New Orleans and join up with Louisiana.

So Louisiana's going to have a little bit of an increased force. All right, now you got Atlanta. And this is, I mean, a lot of this is where a lot of Civil War battles were fought. So you're going to have a lot of nostalgia. You're going to have a lot of people selling like, you know, Civil War II artifacts and like autographed posters. You know, tonight speaking at the bar, we got the great, great grandson of Robert E. Lee

or, you know, we're playing Glory tonight and everybody come watch. It's a fundraiser. You can have a lot of that. Now Nashville, you got, Nashville's pretty split. It's like liberal and conservative. So I think in places like that, you can have a lot of, you know,

dissension within the ranks. People that want to fight, people that don't. And it's going to be tough to really put together a good militia in some of those places. Alabama, you know those people are going to have guns. I have a brother-in-law from Alabama, and he had on underwear one night, and he said, how many guns do you think I have on me? And he was wearing just underwear. And this man was bodily unattractive.

He had kind of like cute ears a little bit, but bodily unattractive. And he had two guns on his person at the time. So that's what's going on there. That's gun country. Mississippi? Mississippi ain't gonna do shit, man. You know, no disrespect,

but they can't even win an SEC title, really. So they're not going to make it pop. Atlanta could turn up. But Atlanta, if racial tension starts, I don't know if that's going to happen. If racial tension starts in Georgia between black and white, then it might get weird. If people are able to band together, then Georgia could be a real force. South Carolina, North Carolina, they would fight each other.

And I think that they would cancel each other out. Because for some reason they have so much just angst against each other they wouldn't be able to make it out of there. Nashville, I think that they would implode. They got the mountains though. So when you got those mountains that gives you a really high,

that high ground is crucial. And that's what's going to help Arkansas. But Arkansas, I think, you know, they're still trying to get a lot of, you know, I don't think, they're still trying to figure out who's family and who isn't family. And there's still too many domestic disputes over there. I think that they would end up fighting each other more.

So coming out of that South, I think you're going to have New Orleans down there, but they're so just, they're having so much fun down in New Orleans. You know, a lot of the gun play down there, a lot of the crime there is black on black. So you'd have, you know, you'd have to really, you know, band together and get a good, you know, black and white militia to band together. I think for Louisiana to have a good shot. But I think Georgia is going to be your power player. Georgia or Alabama coming out of that southeast region.

And maybe Tennessee, but, you know, I just don't know. Now, Texas, then we get over to Texas, and I'll tell you straight up, Texas is used to defending a border out of the gate. So they're going to have that ability out of the gate. You know, Texas is used to defending a border out of the gate. So they're going to have that ability out of the gate. You know, Texas is used to defending a border. So they already have all that experience. Bang, bang. So that's going to be huge. Texas is a lot of hardworking, show-up men.

And I don't care what ethnicity or anything, that shit doesn't matter as much in Texas. In Texas, it's about do your shit or get the fuck out of here. And so I think they're going to bring that style of play to this war. And so I think out of the gate, that's going to whoop Louisiana's ass. They'll whoop Arkansas. There's actually a town called Texarkana, which is Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana.

It's the corner of all three. And that town would just be called Texas town because they're going to whoop ass. called Texarkana, which is Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana. It's the corner of all three. And that town would just be called Texas Town because they're going to whoop ass. New Mexico, a lot of those people might head back to regular Mexico out of fear. So I think you got Texas is going to whoop ass around there. Oklahoma's a lot of bad boys, and it's a lot of Native American people. So you're going to be dodging bullets and ducking arrows. That's going to be hard to do. But I think Texas does that. I think Texas really, really does that. Now over to this West coast,

then you got Arizona, Las Vegas, dude, Las Vegas, all the, they're going to take all that money and run off. They're going to be gone. Nobody's defending that place. Nobody's even from there. Everybody's out of Nevada. Everybody's out of Nevada, Utah. I mean, they're going to be gone. Nobody's defending that place. Nobody's even from there. Everybody's out of Nevada. Everybody's out of Nevada. Utah, I mean, they're going to be praying for everything to work out for everyone. And I think we will all need that. So I'm hopeful that they'll do that. Arizona, you know, a fifth of that state is probably illegal or maybe a twelfth or something.

And I'm not saying that to offend anybody. I used to live in Tucson, Arizona. I had a lot of friends there that were not legal citizens. So, you know, whatever. But I think a lot of that group's going to leave. I don't think they're going to be able to hold it down. So then I think you have Texas and California. They're going to have to, you know, really go toe-to-toe at some point.

Washington and Oregon will probably refuse to fight. They'll probably try to have a cook-off or do something more peaceful. Even though you have a lot of cowboys, you got a lot of bad boys out there. In eastern Washington and eastern Oregon, a lot of real deal cats. But I think that they're going to merge up in some other group.

And they might band together out there in the hills of Idaho. So now you band together out there in the hills of Idaho so now you got men out there in the in the hills of Idaho men and women you got families just holding up out there and I think that that'll actually just become a group that won't fight as much as they will just start to take care of themselves but then Texas is going to want a piece of California you know just because everybody wants a piece of it, but they're the closest ones. Now, California, man, they got a lot of hard heads coming out of San Francisco, out of Oakland, Hayward, Sacramento, the home of missing people. San Jose, one of the most peaceful communities.

You got, you know, Los Angeles. Everybody's going to leave Los Angeles and go back to either their home countries or their home cities. Nobody's defending that place. San Diego, a lot of the military is there, right? But that military is from other states. And a lot of that military is their gun owners, you know? So a lot of the military, they're going to head back to their original states. So you've got to factor them in elsewhere.

That's why I think California folds. I don't think they have the chance. They have a ton of land. It would be some huge battles. But I think at some point you have Texas taking that whole southwestern border on the north side of Mexico. And let me look at the Midwest really quick. Wisconsin, cheese is a major ingredient. You can't fight on fucking queso. You're going to be all bowled up. You guys are going to be shitting in the woods. You know, that could be very alarming. You know, also slow. A lot of them Wisconsin boys, they big, but they slow.

But they can fight in the winter because they're used to being in the cold. Indiana, where the Ku Klux Klan started. A lot of violence out there in Indiana. I wouldn't be surprised to see them show up. Ohio, they're in the national championship almost every other year, so you're going to think they're going to put something together. I think Ohio beats Michigan. I know everybody from Michigan is going to say, fuck, no way they beat us.

But they beat two of your football teams every year, Michigan and Michigan State. So let's don't pretend like it might not be possible. Ohio beats Michigan. Indiana, the problem with Indiana is a lot of their youth over there and like some of these colleges and stuff, there are a lot of transplants. Indiana University has a lot of transplants. So who's going to – Ohio is going to take Indiana.

You go to Ohio, take an Indiana. Missouri, a lot of swingers out there, a lot of people eating at the buffet, Ohio is going to take Indiana. You go to Ohio, take an Indiana, Missouri. A lot of swingers out there. A lot of people eating at the buffet, you know. You know, Wiener and Vagina. So I think Ohio takes that. You know, you got the Dakotas. Minnesota could come down.

Kansas, Colorado. Colorado, now a lot of these men, they're living on land and prepared to defend themselves. But what does that look like if it really gets wild? I think a lot of those men, they would band together. I think there will be a faction over there in Colorado. So you'll have a group in Colorado. You'll have a group in Idaho up in those mountains. That's kind of that northeastern group. You'll have Texas, which is taking over the southeastern border. You'll have a group in Idaho up in those mountains. That's kind of that northeastern group.

You'll have Texas, which is taking over the southeastern border. You'll have Georgia. You'll have New York, which is a lot of upstaters, a lot of them business cats in the city. They're out. They ain't got the balls to fight, man. They just got the balls to do banking. And then you got that Midwest region. I think Ohio will come over.

But that Midwest, they don't like each other so much that I don't know if they're going to be able to band together. So a lot of them might fizzle out. You know, Wisconsin, you got a lot of cash. It's just, and they're so nice. Minnesota, nice. You can't win a war on nice. So I think they're going to fold. You know, Minnesota would like try and beat another place and then send a get well card. Which is sweet.

But not in war. We're talking about war. The Dakotas, North Dakota, South Dakota, they get together but who gives a fuck? That's still only about 70 people. And Mount Rushmore. But those four people are made out of stone. Doesn't count. So you got Kansas, Oklahoma. Oklahoma's some bad cats. Now Oklahoma, I think you'll see Oklahoma band up with a faction there from the Northeast.

So then that's what I think you got, man. I think you got Georgia. I think you got Texas. I think you got New, you know, that upstate New York. They're going to roll through Philadelphia. Jersey. Nah, man. This ain't everybody doing test 200 in DECA.

That shit ain't going to fly. It's not going to cut it. You guys are done. Delaware. They'll probably boat back to England. They're done. Maryland's thuggish, but Baltimore is drugged out. It's the walking dead, yo. So Baltimore, I think,

will be under, even though they got that, but you have that Naval Military Academy. So if them boys choose to stand up and fight for that academy, you could have a real faction right there. So that's where I'm at. You know, that's where I'm at. And I'll finish that up on Thursday. I think I'll talk about it a little bit more about what is the, you know, how does this play out? How does it finish out? And if you guys have some thoughts and you want to chime in, hit that hotline, 985-664-9503. But I feel like that's kind of where it's at. And to me, I've always kind of felt like Texas would take it. But now that I'm looking at some of the geography, I think you'll just end up with some separate groups here and there,

and that would kind of become some of the new America. And I didn't even think about Chicago. I think Chicago is just going to be kind of this hub where a lot of whoever wins that Midwest is going to take over Chicago, so whatever state that is. I mean, Illinois, I love. They could do something. I don't know. What do you think? You think I'm crazy?

Hawaii sitting out there on the outside? Man, you're making me want to move to Hawaii. That's for sure. That seems like the place to be. That seems like the place to be, man. Alright, let's take one more call here. Here we go. About this. About this issue. Hey, man. All right, let's take one more call here. Here we go. About this. About this issue. Hey, Theo.

Tim here from Australia. Just thinking about who's going to win the war between all the states. And Tim is from Australia. And it figures that Tim would be thinking about it because Australia, predominantly criminals. People doing crime. Or people whose grandparents did crime. Because you had to do crime to end up in australia let's hear more now you've got to consider like numbers are obviously you know the primary sort

of driver here so uh and gun ownership and so on so vermont first to fall the fighting men and women of ben and jerry's third division they'll hold out for maybe a good five minutes they're out early right so verm They're out early. Right, so Vermont's out early. They're going to be hopped up on Derry. Onward. Montana, great fighters, yes. There's only one million people up there, I think, something like that.

They'll ride this one out in the hills. They'll come back afterwards, but they're not going to be on the podium. Louisiana, now, low population, high gun ownership, good fighting disposition, and importantly, ocean access, because this isn't just a land war. I mean, you know, if you've got ocean access, you've got to use it. You're going to have your boats

out there. You're a home state, might do better than you think. Now we get to the big number states, and you're thinking, you know, New York, California, squishy sort of, you know, Hillary voting people. But, you know, New York state is around 20 million, I think. California, 40 million.

So even if you have a percentage of those people armed and willing to have a go, they might do better than you think. That's a good point. That's a good point just based on sheer numbers. You know, so say if you have just 25% of 20 million and they're willing to fight,

that's four or five million, I'm not sure, with guns. And if you put them up against Montana and you arm everyone, that's five million against one million. So those numbers are going to play a everyone, that's $5 million against $1 million. So those numbers are going to play a big issue. That's going to be a big deal.

That's a really, really good point. That might have to make me reconsider some things. Onward. Do better than you think. Also, ocean access. This is potentially a crucial aspect in the great United States War of 2018, 19, 20, however long it lasts. Then you get to the big dog here, Texas. And that's true because that ocean access, if you can get a group to sit out in the ocean,

they can just shoot in at another group. They can bomb in. Or they can just wait and let the fighting subside, which is what Ryan's talking about from Hawaii. He's just sitting out there, out there eating pineapples and touching each other's assholes, you know? Let's hear more. Indian people, all the oil, all the resources, they can keep this battle up for a long, long time. And a civilian population and knowledgeable about weapons.

Texas for mine, my friend. And there you go. And that's an Australian voting for Texas right there. And Australia had one fight, I think, a long time ago and it was called Gallipoli. And there's a movie about it where Mel Gibson got in a fight with one of his cousins, I think. It wasn't a home video, I don't think.

I think it was an actual film that you can see and it was pretty good. But that's it. If you've got some thoughts on who would maybe take that next episode, who would take that? Is there something I'm not thinking about about one of these states? Because, I mean, look, you never know what can happen. I mean, crazy things have happened.

Could it happen? And that's another thing. Do you think there could be a state war looming? Am I crazy? Are you crazy? Hit that hotline, man. 985-664-9503. And we're going to get into a couple more calls about other topics right now.

Some people called in. And I'm going to tell you guys too that I will be at Fantasy Springs Casino in Indio, California this weekend, the 23rd and 24th of February. I'll be in Tacoma March 15th and 16th. And Spokane the 17th of March. I'll be in Oxnard the 23rd and 24th and 25th of March. And then April, I'll be at Bananas Comedy in Hasbrook Heights, April 20th and 21st in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.

And those are some of the dates that we have on the books right now. Some other things we'll be getting in. Oh, Tampa. I'll be in Tampa April 6th and 7th, and you can grab those right now. Some other things we'll be getting in. Oh, Tampa. I'll be in Tampa April 6th and 7th, and you can grab those tickets now. All those tickets are available through theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R. But yeah, there's probably a lot of tactical things

that I don't understand, you know, about war and fighting and that sort of thing. And I'd love to know if some people have things that I'm not even considering that would really affect the way that that would all lay down. Let's take a couple more callers here, man. I appreciate you guys calling and hitting the hotline. And we will do a follow-up episode this Thursday where we kind of chime in, where we put some of you guys' calls into, you know,

just in response to the states, the war of the states, and in response to some of this other activity in Nissenet. All right, praise God. Here we go. Hey, Dio, just wanted to call and have a question for you because I'm struggling right now. My whole department got laid off last Friday, and I've been in the dark arts for a while. And for the last couple of years, since I got back from overseas, things have been good, but it started off difficult.

And now it's been going great. good but started off difficult and now it's been going great and now um that i got laid off and uh i feel that pull and i'm just wondering what you do in addition to talk to other people you know who are like-minded thanks for calling man yeah when you get in that tough situation the dark arts seem to be sometimes it's that first line of defense. You know, it's that first, it's like the first thing you think to do when things are going tough is to do something that's, you know, not cavalier for yourself and not real positive. And sometimes it's hard. And sometimes it's hard. It's hard when I know, like, for example, if I feel like I'm doing a good streak of masturbation, no doing no nasty.

No doing no nasty. And then next thing you know, I find myself by myself and something happens. I have a bad show or I don't get a job or I don't get on the Tonight Show or just something that makes me feel not good, then I resort to, I'm just thinking, oh, fuck it, man. Life sucks. I'm a jerk off all over myself. And I'll get into that space. But you know when I find that those things don't happen as much? Or when I don't choose to go into those dark art avenues is when I'm with other people.

If I spend time with people that I care about, then I notice that my brain doesn't go there. Instead, my brain will bring up the problem to somebody. You know, bring up the problem to a loved one or a friend or something. Say, hey man, this happened. And they'll be like, oh, you know, everything's the problem to a loved one or a friend or something. Say, hey man, this happened. And they'll be like, oh, you know, everything's going to be okay. And the next thing you know, I get back to a comfortable square in my brain. Instead of living out there in that wild, dark art Tetris. You know, where the squares are just coming at you and you're just jerking off.

So that's something that I find is spending time with others. You know, spending time with others. And there's other little things, you know, and everybody does it different. People do meditations. People go for a walk. You know, people do little things because usually that temptation arises and it'll just sit on you for a little bit. You know, the temptation to act out, the temptation to, you know, run around on your spouse or the temptation, you know, to flirt with a girl, the temptation to cause trouble, raise hell. That pull, that little pull inside of you.

Oh, things didn't go well, I'm going to get fucked up. You know, this didn't happen, I'm going to buy a couple grams of cocaine and fucking race rats out there outside of the city limits where you legally can now i'm gonna make them choices but that usually that's just like about it's just like about 30 seconds or 90 seconds that that real that pull is there and if you can ride out you don't give in to that initial pull usually usually things are fine. Usually you can get through it and get back to your regular brain. And your regular brain is, you know, it sounds like one that's doing pretty good. You know, like you've had some good things going for yourself since you got back from service. But I appreciate your service, man, and I appreciate you calling in, Austin.

Let's go another call right here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. Let's go another call right here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. I kind of needed your input, your opinion on the fact that I've been basically propositioned by wealthy men to enter in some sort of relationship. Even before I turned 18, this has been going on.

And I recently moved to L.A. Okay, so you got wealthy men throwing them bucks for them fucks. You got wealthy men offering that booty cash. You know, they're trying to swipe that card between your ass cheeks. And it's popular, especially out here in Los Angeles. I think a lot of men also, there's this whole new side of that where a lot of men are just in fear of being with a woman where there isn't a transaction because then there's no clear terms of what's going on. You know, it makes me wonder if prostitution or if, you know, legalization of prostitution might be on

the loom, looming on the horizon because men are afraid to even, you know, do regular sex or touch regular local cooter. I mean, I get nervous. I won't even jerk off in the city limits anymore. I drive outside of town and jerk off. You know, if you see me jerking off out somewhere outside of town with a group of other men, it's not a gay thing. It's just straight men trying to just survive.

That's all that is. You know, I don't come locally usually if I can help it because it's too the risk reward is too much in Los Angeles but I appreciate you calling young lady and you've been propositioned by these men and let's hear more about it and the concentration of this sort of thing

is at an all-time high I don't know if it's like a curse or what but it's something I've like always been against, even when it came to pursuing my own aspirations and dreams, etc. It's just not something that I really believe in. Okay, so it's not something you really believe in, you know, slinging that canal out there to, you know, to get ahead or to make a little bit of cash. Okay, let's hear more. But right now, my entire family is in financial strain, going through a lot of hardships, and we've never been rich or anything like that,

but it's just really hard to have every single member of my family going through this financial hardship. And then earlier today, my sister's dad was in a freak accident in Puerto Rico. Damn, Puerto Rico, and that's accident country. And if you ever had a friend, if you have a friend that's very accident prone, I think it's safe at this point to nickname him or her Puerto Rico. Because, you know, they got bad moons rising over there, and they got that juju hitting the air and that voodoo

gripping the people onward. I don't know if he's going to make it or not because that island still has no electricity and it's just tragic because we don't even know if my sister's going to get to go. It's just like a whole mess and I've just been struggling with this whole moral compass. And I would never do such a thing. It's not necessarily me being selfless. I could have been struggling with this voice in my head telling me, like, wow, you're not willing to sacrifice for your family. Because the amount of money that these gentlemen are offering you, it would make a substantial difference in my family's lives.

Okay. And this is where the call substantial difference in my family's life. Okay. And that's just where the call ends right there. That's it. Thank you for calling, young lady. And that's a conundrum. That's a conundrum. You know, I mean, my first thought is no. My first thought is no, you don't do that.

But that, I think, is also an old idea. You know, I think it's... You know, I never had that... You know, I got that decent dick, but I never had anything that people really wanted real heartily, and they was coming to pay for it. I never had that pay-for, you know, that pay for dick. I've just had that, you know, get it when they get it dick. And sex is a commodity.

It's one of the biggest commodities out there. It's pushed constantly. In fact, as I was jogging today, I saw so many tits and asses and breasts and you know I mean you could see outlines of vulvas and you could see trimesters you could see everything and it made me think like damn like when I was growing up

sex was what you were trying to get and now I don't even know if that's the case anymore. I think now, sex is available. Readily available. And what you're trying to get is something real. Something tangible. Something that, you know, when you throw it down into your heart, it echoes. You know, something that reverberates.

And so, you know, with that thought, look, if you got to get out there and do it, honey, you get out there and do it. You know, I'm not going to be mad at you. There's, you know, there's women doing it for far less reasons. That's for sure. And there's women doing it for far less reasons. That's for sure. And there's women doing it for real reasons.

And I know it's a tough world. You know, I know it's a tough world. And I can't, you know, I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you I'd let one of these fancy producers maybe, when I first moved to town, put his thumb in my ass for probably, you know, 30 grand or something. Maybe I would. I don't know. I didn't get that opportunity. You know, I never, I don't get very, I haven't gotten very many opportunities in Hollywood.

But, you know, I mean, it's sweet that you're thinking about it for your family. You know, and I, you know, I can't imagine what that's like to have family somewhere struggling. Your sister's father, that part seemed a little wild to me. Your sister's father, is that your father? I mean, if a tree fell on him or something and it's not your father, let me hear that part again. Here we go. Dreams, et cetera, it's just not something that I really believe in. But right now, my entire family is in financial strain, going through a lot of hardships and we've

never been rich or anything like that but it's just really hard to have every single member of my family going through this financial hardship and then earlier today my sister's dad was in a freak accident and in Puerto Rico they don't know if he's gonna make it or not because that island still has no electricity. Your sister's dad? Yeah. I mean, maybe I'm just getting, you know, picky there with some of the facts and whatever. You know,

I'd like to see you try to find other ways to get through it. But these days, if it does, you know, what does it mean to you? I mean, does it mean a lot to you? Does sex mean a lot to you? I mean, if it means a lot to you, then I think you find some other way to fight through it

and get through it. If it doesn't mean anything to you, maybe that's the deal. And I don't say you get a broker or something, but I say you get out there and you get some good money. You know, it just seems like the things that are going to come along with that environment are what really scares me for you. You know, I mean, you know, women selling sex has been from the beginning of time.

Everybody's selling sex in some form or another. You know, a lot of these makeup ads. I mean, there's billboards in Los Angeles that say sugar models on every other corner. While the whole time there's this Time's Up movement, there's also this whole other movement where sex

has just become an item for exchange. Maybe that's a safer place for it. I don't know. I think this is just another big conversation kind of that, you know, are we in a different time now? Am I living by old ideals? What's going on? Am I out of touch that, you know, now it's like about, it's more about the other side of things. Finding the connectivity.

Finding, you know, making, finding something that's real. When I was young, it was about catching that nut locker, you know, about finding that, finding a little lady that would let you, you know, hide your root up in that nut locker. And now it's changed, it seems like. Now it's more, you know, now it seems more like anybody can fuck, you know. You can, you know, get sex here or there, internet, wherever. What else can I get something that actually, that I can feel?

So, that's it. You know, and I don't know if that gives you some suggestions or not. Maybe some of our callers will have suggestions for that. And I think that that's a big topic. That's a big thought. That's a big thought. That's a big idea. You know, what does she do? What would you recommend?

I mean, if this is my daughter, I'm going to say no. You know, if this is you know, and people would even say, well, that's fucked up if this is my sister. I'd say, but it's like who am I to judge? You know what I'm saying? I don't know what, you know, if it was my sister I'd say but it's like who am I to you know I'm saying I don't know what you know if with my sister I would help her out I would get her out

of those financial situations you know I would say no we're not doing this shit you know so I guess when you put it when I put it like that to myself that it's more family then it makes me really question you know I don't know I, I just wonder if it's really gotten to that point where there's no other option. You know, is there another way that you can do it? Where maybe you try some of these other things. They have these different webcam sites where women are, you know, touching their vagetes and all of that and showing, you know, flash and vulve and all of that showing tits and, you know,

breastfeeding babies and everything on there for 30, $40 an hour. Maybe there's something like that available or, or some other avenues. I just, I don't know. I mean, the thing with the sister important,

like, what are you really going to do there? That's my question. Like, what's, you know, what are you going to make a couple thousand? I mean, I know that can really help some instances, but how long does that last in a huge case scenario with hospital bills,

a weekend, an hour? You know, when does it... I just feel like you're really getting into the dark arts and that there might be some better avenues. So I'd ask some other people. I'd ask some friends. I'd ask around. And then I'd try and ask yourself, really, why?

Why? You know, I know you've gotten proposition, but I've been propositioned for things. You know, people want to sometimes get me in a ridiculous, you know, television shows, this and that. I'm like, that shit isn't for me. You know, I have bigger thoughts or bigger, you know, realms for myself. That realm, the worlds that I want to live in.

I got bigger circuses that I want to, you know, fight lions in. But then I have friends that do pornography. And that's their world and they're great at it. So I don't want to knock what your world is, but I do want to knock on and bring attention to that you healthily consider what's going on. And considering something from a place of desperation usually isn't good.

So that's what I would try and look at for yourself. Those are some of my thoughts. I'm sure a lot of our listeners have thoughts. If you have them, hit that hotline, 985-664-9503. I got another show tonight, so I got to actually cruise and do that. I'm sorry about that.

I was just kind of getting comfortable into this episode. But I'd love to hear some of you guys' thoughts and information on some of these things. My heart goes out to anybody who had family and friends over there in Florida involved in the tragedy. People make fun of thoughts and prayers. I don't like that. Because what else am I going to do from where I am? You know, I can vote certain ways.

I can donate to things. But to think about something and pray about something, I think there's a lot of value in that as well. I mean, if the whole world stopped right now and was praying for something, imagine how nice the world would be. Nobody would be doing anything except hoping good for others.

So you might be like, well, Tia, that's a really hopeful idea. And it is. I mean, that's not going to happen. But it's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. You guys be good to yourselves, man. You probably deserve it.

I'm going to take us out on this beautiful hit from Tiny Sandhu. Wasn't that nice of him to send that in? I mean, wasn't that really, really nice? Thank you, Tiny. And a happy belated Valentine's to everybody. Man, if this state war happens, the war of the states, who's going to take it? Hit that hotline, 985-664-9503. And here's that flip. Get that caramel out for that baby back. That was beautiful. This past weekend. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,

a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.

So great. Hi, it's me. It's you. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.