This Past Weekend - 3 - 19 - 17 | This Past Weekend #14

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Theo talks birthday. Rich people's hair. Meeting Charlie Sheen. Takes some calls.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up you little gristle whistlers, huh? You alive, dude? Knock, knock. Who's there? Hopefully you. How you living, man? You believe in ghosts, man? You believe in ghosts? Do ghosts believe in you, though? That's the question. Have you done enough in your life for ghosts to believe in you? You have accidentally urinated on your ex-girlfriend, bro, while y'all was sharing a sofa while you were sleeping over in Baton Rouge, Louisiana about nine years ago? Have you ever just wet the bed in your 30s, dude, because you got issues that you haven't dealt with? Huh? You ever covered yourself in baby oil and pretended you was back inside your mother's womb? Ooh, hey mama. Well, if you have, dude, you're definitely welcome here. This is This Past Weekend.

This Past Weekend. Good morning. It is March 19th, 2017. The year of the... I don't even know what it is, man. It could be an animal, Chinese, probably something they thought of, you know, and shared with the rest of us. I'm Theo Vaughn, this is this past weekend, and it's my birthday, man.

I'm going to start off and say that. I know we talked about it last week a little bit on here. I was at my brother's home in Baton Rouge and we taped the episode in his children's. He has three beautiful children and we taped the episode in their playroom where they keep their toys and capes and just daytime pieces of adventure. So here I am back at home in Los Angeles and it's my birthday, man, and it feels pretty good, you know, I'm 37, I am 37 years old, man, I'm an adult male, made a lot of poor choices, dude, wet the bed until pretty much, I'd say early 30s, you know, probably some anxiety, fear of nighttime. Actually, I remember as a child, I would get very scared of going to bed

and the darkness and anything that it could hide inside of itself and expose to me when I least expected it. And I remember at night, I used to stand on my bed at night because I had a fear specifically of animals we had a lot of dangerous animals in our neighborhood I grew up in the stray animal belt a lot of people know that and I remember at night time that I would stand on my bed and urinate around my bed, you know, off of my bed, just off onto the floor because I had heard that animals wouldn't attack if another animal had urinated locally. So, yeah. So anyway, that was some of my youth, you know, right there experimenting with urine

and trying to protect myself as a child and just, I guess, coming through a lot of fear, you know, a lot of fear as a young boy. But yeah, I'm 37, man, you know, and it feels, it feels scary a little bit. You know, it's kind of one of the last few years you can kind of say how old you are. And I haven't done that for a while. I've been hiding. I've tried to hide my age. I think I've had some ashamed about it. You know, just uncertainty.

Didn't want people to know how old I was. Felt inferior of my accomplishments. That I hadn't done enough in a certain age. But now I'm trying to embrace it. I'm trying to be where I am. And where I am is 37 years of existence, according to a lot of creeps and a lot of brothers out there really perpetuating the idea of a flat earth.

People saying that we've been living on a flat earth. Ran into a gentleman today outside of a Whole Foods type of clean food store, and he was authentic in his beliefs that the earth is flat. So I had to listen to that for a while. Nice gentleman though i will say that but yeah man i'm 37 i had a good day what did i do i got up um i went and had breakfast with a friend of mine a rich friend they well off and um beautiful they got two beautiful children and they you know they just have nice hair and that's one thing about the rich I always noticed growing up their hair looked very like it was bought somewhere or sewn in or like their hair was from France you know like they had you know France hair and they just I remember the

rich always seen you know like if you saw a rich dude with bad hair, you were like, this dude ain't rich. You know, he's not as rich as he could be. Because I remember rich people always had nice hair. But anyhow, man, it's my birthday. I spent time with my friend this morning. I went bike riding today. My boy Dirt Nasty out there and a couple of other buddies, we went bike riding on these motorized bicycles. And they can go up to like about 30

miles an hour. You just press a button. So you're on a regular bicycle. And next thing you know, you were just flying, bro. So we did that in Venice all day. I threw a little bit of that video. If you're on the YouTube watching, I threw a little bit of that video if you're on the YouTube watching I threw a little bit of that video at the beginning but anyhow thank you for joining me it's good man I've had some good birthdays over the years I remember a friend of mine has a one-year-old child now it's older but at the time it was one and he had his birthday party at a Perry Farrell's house Very peril the guy from Jane's Addiction the lead singer, so that was pretty interesting go over there Celebrating for a one-year-old

My ex-girlfriend threw me a surprise party one year. That was very nice. I Had a roller rink birthday when I was young And I remember this young black gentleman came to the party and nobody knew him. You know, we were children and he showed up. His mother dropped him off and he was pleasant. You know, I think Demetrius or Demetri. He was pleasant, kind of an Italian black kind of name. And he was pleasant and he enjoyed the party and ate and enjoyed himself and did roller skating.

And then his mom came and picked him up and he went home. And he was not, nobody knew him though. None of the parents knew him and none of the children knew him. So that's, I mean, I guess that's one way to fit in, that is for sure. But I appreciate you guys joining me. What's been going on this past weekend? Really just kind of chilled, man. I had about 10 comedy sets.

A lot of joy out there. I met Charlie She sheen so that was pretty wild i worked on this thing called typical rick which is a comedy central series with nick swartzen and uh simon rex and um it was season two of that and had a small part on there and i walk over to wardrobe on the set and uh Sheen is sitting there, the big dog himself, you know, Mr. Tiger's blood, HIV, you know, the Superman. He was smoking a cigarette and so I got me a cigarette and we started chatting and just sharing the breeze and just throwing ideas around and I had this shirt on that had a picture of Michael Landon on it.

And everybody knows I'm a big Michael Landon fan. And Charlie asked me about the shirt, and I told him about my fanship. And then he said that one time he was escaping out of a rehab facility, and that one of Michael Landon's sons, one of Michael Landon's children was in the facility. And as he was leaving, he saw the door open to the room of Michael Landon's son. And he asked him if he wanted to go party with him. And that they left out and partied for the weekend. So that was pretty cool, man.

And he looked, I mean, he was really captivating. Great energy, super sweet guy, I mean, just honestly nice as could be, and he looked like he'd been at spring break for about 30 years in Cancun, and it was just cool, man, it was just interesting to just kind of chat with him and just shoot the breeze, what else did we talk about that was it man that was it dude and i'll tell you this they had a couple ladies there on set and i think any lady would have left with him man i mean the dude he just got that i don't know he's got that he just had the charisma man that charisma and uh so that was it So that was part of an interesting part of the weekend was just getting a bump into Mr. Charlie Sheen himself.

And a lot of times I think on my birthday I feel negative, you know, or just like I haven't gotten things done. And then sometimes I'll remember, think about this, that you were a sperm bro think about a sperm dude there's tons of them you were a sperm and now I was a sperm everybody pretty much was a sperm unless you know somebody's you know doing something different but But now look at me, I have, I have, I'm six feet tall, I have hands and arms. And I mean, if anything, I've achieved a lot. I mean, I'm probably 30 million times my original size. I'm really on another level. So even just thinking about that, about how far I've come physically, that's pretty amazing. So that's one thing to even just think about on your birthday,

even just physically that you've come a long way as a human. As a human. And I really, I felt a lot of joy today because my neighbors made me a nice meal and I got home and they had made me a meal and they let me invite a friend and we went over there and we ate. We had some pieces of London broil and they had a salad that had all kinds of cranberries and avocados and delectable tidbits and this and that. You know, things that make your face feel good when you put them inside of your mouth. And we also had a little bit of coconut ice cream, you know, as nighttime set in, we had a little bit of that coconut ice cream and God damn, that shit just, oh, just feels like it's just fucking the inside of my mouth, man. I love,

It just feels like it's just fucking the inside of my mouth, man. I love, I love coconut. I love coconut, man. And when I die, I'd be happy to just be packed in it. Just pack me in coconut and astronaut ice cream. If you've ever had that, it's dehydrated ice cream. And they sell it at museums. And it's a very nice treat to have in a museum or in other buildings elsewhere. I think back to my first birthday in Los Angeles.

I was living with two friends. I was sleeping under a man's bed actually and I think I've mentioned this before for $150 a month on a large pool raft. He had one of those pool rafts. And I slept under his bed and up under the edge of his bed. Except for if he was out of town, I would honestly get into that man's bed. And even though I didn't know him super well, I knew him. You know, we're buddies. But I would lay in his bed, dude, and I would sleep in there.

And that's kind of a wild feeling, I think. Sleeping in another man's bed and just letting yourself just be natural, you know, like that. Because it feels, another man's bed feels like another man, you know. It feels like you being bad, you know. And you just Goldilocksing in a gentleman's, you know, and you don't know. And he didn't make his bed. That's another thing I remember. He didn't make his bed. And getting into another man's bed that he doesn't even make, I mean, it's, it really makes you feel a little bit gutter.

You know, it puts the, it puts the, it puts the guh in gutter, dude. You get in there and it's just not the same as if somebody's bed is made and you get in. It feels a little less, I don't think it's homoerotic. I just think it's just nasty. It feels less nasty that way. So yeah, that was my first birthday in LA. I was paying $150 a month and sleeping under a man's bed. And also I remember my responsibility was we didn't have a refrigerator. And my responsibility was to get us a refrigerator. And it happened to be my birthday. happened to be my birthday and I finally find a refrigerator on Craig's list I get the dude to bring it over get it off of his truck and I'm trying to be friendly I'm from the south and I'm you know and I'm just fucking at least partly friendly and I say well I will I can get it

inside I don't need any help guys you don't want to be a man and I've been going to the gymnasium at the time and you know I might have even been on muscular uppers and stuff that were making me feel strong. So I'm like, I'll get the refrigerator myself. So next thing you know, I'm trying to get this refrigerator. I'm pushing it down this little side alley by the apartments. Right up to the back door of the apartment we're staying in. And I get it in the doorway, and it gets stuck, and I'm literally running and shouldering this refrigerator,

trying to beat this refrigerator into our apartment, it's all, I mean, you can, the grill thing on the back, or the, I don't know what it's called, looks like a vent kind of thing, but where the Freon and stuff is, is all broken up and shit. And I remember just leaning against it at the end and just crying, bro. Just crying, man, like a little, just like a little labia of, just like a little labia of the world. You know, just like a, just like a, not even a strong labia. And just crying. And that was my birth date. I just remember, this is my fucking birthday.

Here I am crying, trying to beat a refrigerator in. And into an apartment. And that was, that was a dark one, man. That was a dark birthday. But this wasn't that today. Today was nice and one, man. That was a dark birthday. But this wasn't that today. Today was nice and calm and adult. And it was one of those days where I realized I got to be an adult, man. You know, I don't want to grow up sometimes.

But at some point, you have to do it. You got to adult. You got to quit, you know, doing kid shit, man, and I think in the past year, I've done some of those things, you know, I mean, I quit drinking, some people don't know that, but I do, I do not drink, I'm eight months now of not drinking, I struggle sometimes with some cigarettes, they know that, and I struggle sometimes as well with, you know, trying to stop a pornography, which is a huge issue. And I'd love if people are going to call in next week to give some calls. If you have some issues with that, I'd love to know about it. I

want to delve into that a lot next week. I'm going to give you that hotline number right now to leave a voicemail and it's 985-664-9503. And if you want to call in, if you're struggling with masturbation, uh, masturbatory activities, and I just want to know how you're dealing with it, you know, the ups and downs of it. Um, also if you've had some shitty jobs, I might talk about that as well. Because at a certain point, masturbating is a shitty job, man. It's a habit that you get into. And dealing with that pornography and dealing with that, I mean, I'm just amazed at how many people have reached out to me and said, Look, man, I'm really struggling with this, you know.

I'm really struggling with that activity. But I'm feeling fortunate today. I'm feeling better this week and thinking about what do I need to get done in my life to make me feel, you know, of my age, to make me feel 37. There's a lot of things that have been just sitting on the diving board, you know, that I've been afraid to just kind of throw into the pool. And now it's time to cut it up, dude. Now it's time to bust some straight up gunt. You feel me? Now it's time to hum this gunt out into the ether. And that's what I'm going to do. That is what I'm going to do. And I remember I used to have a lot of dreams of things that I never got done. I remember I wanted to sea-do around the world when I was young. And I even wrote a letter to Sea-Do at the time,

and that's like a jet ski type company. But that was the only one they had at the time. I think it was called a Sea-Do, S-E-A-D-O-O, Sea-Do. And you could go pretty far on them. You know, and I used to live along a river, and I would do them there and get on them. And I remember emailing them, writing them a letter and saying, I want a Sea-Doo around the world. You know, I can do this.

And they never wrote back. So I've had some dreams that haven't really come to fruition. You know? I wanted to be a dancer. I'll be honest about that haven't really come to fruition, you know. I wanted to be a dancer. I'll be honest about that, dude, you know. It's kind of a, you know, it's a tough thing to admit. I'll admit that. But I wanted to be a dancer.

You know, in my 20s, I felt... Dude, sometimes I got out of bed and my feet just felt so light. My feet just felt light. Like I could do it. You know, and then I hurt my back, dude. Painting a house and just dangerous, really painting it just in dangerous heat. In over 100 degree heat. And I was wrapped in this visqueen suit because a bunch of bees were trying to get me and uh and i hurt my back and that ended kind of some of my dancing dreams but i still have other dreams you know i still have other things that i want to get done

but here i am 37 you know here i am 37 and i'm looking forward uh i'm looking forward to this year and i'm looking forward to trying to put some safe pressure on myself so that I can get some things done, man. So anyhow, I want to get into some calls, man. We had some great calls. I appreciate everybody reaching out on the hotline. And that number is 985-664-9503. And I'm not offering advice here. But I will try to offer basic life suggestions based on experiences that I've had.

Because I've been out there, man. I've been involved in some dirty things, you know. And I've made love to some busted women out in the existence, you know. And I've done the drugs and the, you know, and I've done some naughty things. I'll tell you one time, one birthday I had that stands out. I was with this man, David was his name. And he had two different color eyes. And I've always thought those people were trouble, honestly. When you see somebody and they got two different color eyes,

it's not a, you know, it wasn't, they weren't fully designed, I never thought. And this boy, David, we were on this party bus kind of thing, and it was like a tour bus, and I was going to sleep. And he liked to party, you know, and do drugs and do uppers. And he said, hey, man, let's go party. It's about 1.30 in the morning. I was like, man, I'm tired, man. You know, I can't.

I'm tired. And he goes, well, I'll go get us some drugs. You know, and this is when I was doing drugs and enjoying drugs. And so I said, well, look, man, if you come back with drugs, I'll do them with you. You know, trying to be supportive. And then I said, well, look, man, if you come back with drugs, I'll do them with you. You know, trying to be supportive. And then I fall asleep. About 4.30 in the morning, this dude rolls back in. And he's got some steroids on him.

Some testosterone 400. And that's a steroid, Mexican steroid. Horse uppers. Uppers for horses and equestrians. And so he's like, let's party, dude, I'm like, I'm not fucking doing steroids, dude, first of all, they take about two weeks to get in your system, so even if we hit a club right now, we're not going to feel the vibe from it, you know, we're not going to feel the but he had me you know shoot him in the ass with these drugs and uh and he kind of put on some athletic looking gear and went to like a late rave

or something or something that was popping off around 5 a.m so that was a birthday that i had that was a bit lonely all right man let's get into some of these calls dude we got some amazing calls that came in uh i want to hear what's up we're about to hit this hotline right here all right we got this call from franklin north carolina hey bro my girl has three really long thick bristly hairs growing out of her navel i plucked one while she was sleeping the root was really bulbous and girthy and smelled like bone broth. Should I love her or leave her? Wow, man. Yeah, that's the hairy navel, dude.

I haven't dealt with that. I've definitely dated a girl with a very small head for a while. It was almost just like her neck had gotten real fancy at the top and had a mouth on it and stuff and and i remember her head just felt like a just like a like an adventurous kind of melon it wasn't it was it was about a three-quarter head maybe of a regular head and that made me nervous dude um i dated a girl that's she her mouth smelled like meat around her mouth smelled like different meat like she was just you know just hiding carpaccio under her skin or something around her mouth or doing putting some kind of meats or something on her mouth at night and I know she

wasn't I mean that's crazy she wasn't she didn't even eat beef jerky or do any of those nothing like that but she had this very meat this kind of barbecue-ish kind of feeling and scent around her lips that made me nervous I hooked up with this girl one time in South Carolina or North Carolina. Her breasts kind of felt like shit diapers a little bit. You know, like if a baby has a poop diaper, you can mold the diaper and it'll stay that way. And her breasts were like that. You could shape them and they would stay. And whatever shape it, you kind of put them in.

So that was very baffling. But I never said a word, you know. I never said a word, dude. Because I've had things that I'm sure and do have things that I'm sure women don't like about me. You know, I've had hairy back. I had hairy buttocks. You know, sometimes I get it kind of tended to. They got a Persian lady over here who really hates hair.

And she'll go at it for you for about $50 and really attack it. But I used to be nervous, self-conscious that I had hair kind of on my buttocks and back. And I even remember I would walk out of the room backwards. Like if I were leaving a bedroom, if I'd been making love with a lady, and I'm walking out of the room, I would walk backwards, like I'm fucking, like I'm that dude in, uh, in Silence of the Lambs, you know, you know, but I would, like, walk backwards, like I was Michael Jackson, you know, just like, I gotta go to the bathroom, you know, just walk out of the room like that, dude. Cause I was just, I didn't, maybe I was just self-conscious about that. Um, I had a fever one time really bad and made love to a woman. And I,

I know to this day that she questions probably the heat that was coming out of my body. You know, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was know it was it was so it was it was it was beyond normal just i mean it was like 103 degree fever i was fucking at you know and that's very intense probably so i don't know what she thought maybe that had some type of a rabies or that i was just angry just so angry you know to be coming in that hot physically so i think you got to think about that man like how many hairs and weird body things do you have you know i mean not to scold you but to let you know that dude you probably have countless deficiencies countless man we all do so you can't really hold your lady to that crazy regard i don't think you know

i mean maybe celebrate it get her a barrette you know get her a barrette up and just pop a beautiful barrette like a nice church little church brooch for your hair and put it on the on those hairs you know or gel them down you know make a game about it, you know, floss your teeth with them, dude, celebrate it, maybe instead of, you know, trying to sneak them out of her body while she's resting, and how hard does she even sleep if you're able to pull a hair out of her body, I'd worry about more about, you know, some of her sleep patterns, and about some of her hair patterns, and, and just love her, her man that's what i say dude because here's the thing if you love her love her for everything bro if she has one leg or one

lip or one you know or only one one one fucking hat or anything dude love her you know if you're gonna love her love her that's what i say if you say you're gonna love somebody, then love them, otherwise, don't bullshit them up top, man, but if you want to mail that hair in, dude, uh, email me, and I'll show the hair to people, just to prove that you're out there doing that, sneaking hairs out of people's body in the middle of the night, bro, damn, dog, that's some Boo Radley shit right there, bro, but I do appreciate you checking in. And I say this Embracer, man. You know, show her some bad hair you have. And y'all just be fucking hair bears, dog. You know?

Hair bear up. Hair bear up. All right, I got a couple announcements to make. I'm going to cut to a couple more calls, man. First of all, if you're watching on YouTube or iTunes, go ahead and subscribe. You know, Be a subscriber. Rate the

podcast. Give me some decent ratings because I'm trying to get enough listeners where I can have some advertisers. That's just the business side of that. I have some comedy dates coming up. I feel very grateful to have the ability to be at Comedy on State

this weekend, March 23rd through 25th in Madison, Wisconsin. And then I'm going to be at the Punchline in Sacramento, April 21st through 23rd. So I'm excited about that. People have asked me about the shop, theovon.com. We got some Got Hamps shirts in there. You can still get the album. 30-pound bag of hamster bones. We were doing well on the charts.

We're still doing pretty good. But we could pick it up if you want to grab the album. Talking about my boy that I grew up with. This boy named Danny. He had this deficiency in his neck. So I'll talk about that. Alright, let's take another call here. And this is from Canada.

This is Monica. Oh, hey, Theo. This is Monica. I'm calling from Vancouver, Canada. And I'm just wanting to get your male perspective on an issue I'm having. So I'm about 27. I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety probably for the last 10 years or so and last year was especially pretty rough probably the last six or eight months I've been

really sad and just feeling lonely and just like empty and on top of that I gained a bunch of weight so you just feel so unattractive and you just want to hide away from everybody but at this point I've come to the realization of being alone at this point isn't really good for my psyche and I know that it's time for me to get out there and pick myself up again and get into the dating world so i guess i'm just hoping you might have so many looking for some advice from you to you know get some confidence back and get my shit together hopefully so any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated wow well i mean first look monica i'll tell you this, you know, I love you. I'll say that right out of the gate, you freaking little, you thick little muffin, you know.

If you're putting on a pound or two, you could just hug me. I bet it feels good. That's the good thing about, if you do put on a little bit of weight, when you hug somebody, you're really giving them more joy. You know, you ever hug a bony person, it's like, it's like holding on to a pillowcase full of deer antlers, you know, but you hug a real meat, a real meat dog, you know, or a meaty, or stronger, or thicker, Rubenesque, that's beautiful, you know, so I want to say, first of all, that I love you, you know, and, and I feel you. And it sounds like you got a, you're putting a lot on your plate, you know, I mean, you want to feel better. And then you don't want to be alone.

Oh, and I can sympathize with that. Regarding the weight, I mean mean you would be surprised how much getting in shape and getting your blood going makes everything else better it's specifically your mindset like you get a little bit of activity physical activity you get your mind is gonna it's gonna start to get in shape as well and I would try to approach your weight loss not with, I have to lose weight or I'm going to lose weight, but with the idea or the mindset that I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle. Then it's not just about the weight. And I find that people who approach it that way, that I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle, tend to lose weight and actually keep it off because then they're headed in an overall better direction. And this is going to sound kind of silly, but I promise that this works, right?

When you see a food that you want but you shouldn't have, don't i can't eat that i i would say i don't eat that that way you are taking ownership you're taking control as opposed to letting the food take the control if that makes any sense you know i don't eat that. That's way freaking, then you're like a thug. You're a thug out there. Whereas if you say, I can't eat that, then you are in this kind of, uh, you're being attacked kind of by the food. So I don't eat that. It just, it's a lot more power for you. And I feel like that that will just empower you overall. And I think those are some simple things you can do to start moving in a physically healthier direction. And in terms of social anxiety, I can 100% relate.

I spent, honestly, about five years of my life sleeping in Santa Monica. I was depressed and I would get uncomfortable being in social circles. And I would lay in my bed and I would just sleep. And I would eat peanut butter and jellies during the daytime. And I would hope for the best, but not act for the best. And I thought that one day I would just wake up, or from some nap, I would just wake up and suddenly the world would be better, or I would feel better. But that never happened. I mean, all I really did was push my problems like five years down the road. And there's no magic way to make yourself feel comfortable, you know, like in a social setting.

You know, like in a social setting. I mean, I think one thing that does help is just trying to make each time you're in a social setting a little bit better than the last time by making more effort. You know, introduce yourself to people. I think that's the best thing. Just, hey, I'm Theo. Hey, I'm Monica. Because immediately you're taking ownership. You're taking control of the situation. And even if they don't respond well, at least then that's them being antisocial. That's not you being antisocial. And also try to find areas. Maybe you could be looking in the wrong circles. Like, dude, I went to nightclubs for years, bro. And it was a bunch of Persian people in there, usually adult men,

or very tan, like, men that had been in the gymnasium and looked like their muscles were just trying to climb out of their shirt and leave them because their muscles didn't even like them. Like, their muscles just wanted to get divorced from their skeletons and just be done with them, you know? And veins blowing up out of their chest and neck, and then a lot of Persian men wearing cologne, heavy cologne. And I would be there, and I would feel like something was wrong with me, you know, but really everybody in the club, or 90% of the people, were miserable.

They were just trying to look like they were having a good time. And one of my problems was i was going to clubs i was looking repeatedly in the same place for social acceptance and a place that really i never did like i never did like clubs man i like more of like being around a fire um fuck i even scrapbook bro i fucking scrapbook dude i so you know i'm not saying i'm enjoying some scrapbookers club with a lot of ladies and stuff, but I needed to find other areas to get social in. And once I started doing that, I would just hang out at a comedy club. It's just a different vibe. There's no great way to do it, but you've got to make an effort. And whether that's the next time i

go to a party i'm gonna introduce myself to two people or i'm a pet animal you could even start off at a petting zoo you could start off at a petting zoo and get out there or meet children go to a place where a lot of children are you know if you don't if you know you don't have any issues with children and meet children because they're going to be accepting. They'll be cool. And then just use some of those same skills you learn with children. Or even with animals. With adults.

And also give yourself permission to be uncomfortable. You don't have to be comfortable. That's another myth. We're not always comfortable bro. So give yourself permission. To not be comfortable. Oh give yourself permission to not be comfortable oh i'm uncomfortable okay instead of like oh fuck i'm uncomfortable you know oh god oh i'm so uncomfortable this shirt it doesn't feel these shoes they don't match this this otherwise it's like oh fuck i'm uncomfortable i don't know why don't pin the tail on your own donkey if you don't know why. Don't pin the tail on your own donkey if you don't know why you're uncomfortable.

I used to do that. Oh, I'm uncomfortable. Bah, bah, bah, bah. But I'll say this. I heard a quote once that insecurity is the belief that this is only happening to us. You know, there's so few feelings in so many people that there's a lot of people who are having the same feelings you are so you gotta you gotta voice them you gotta share them find somebody else that looks awkward as fuck and boom that's your first friend if you feel awkward find somebody else that's awkward they're easy to pick out and then bam now y'all have dual awkwardness two awkwards you know what they say two awkwards make a comfort so i think that that could help i hope some of that shit helps you know be at the library even though they have a

lot of deviant homeless at the library and a lot of them are I mean this had some insane experiences when I first got to LA a lot of homeless and they do masturbation too at the library you know that and Monica I just want to say I love you you know I hope you feel better um you know you're probably a good woman you probably are and if you care enough about yourself to reach out to other people um that's a great start so you're already doing way better than i was those those years i was just lying in my bed just eating peanut butter and jellies and oh caught up in the throes of pornography and just in the dark in the dark in the darkness so i'm proud of you there you got this just g up a little. Drink a Red Bull.

G up. You know, even something as little as getting yourself a new pair of sneakers or something like that can kind of, it can just excite you. Some small motivation. And don't do it all in one day. You don't have to change today. You just have to progress today. So progress, not perfection. You know, that's kind of what I'm aiming at

overall. All right, we got one more call here from Santa Clarita, California, Spanish town. Hey, Theo. I got a question for you. A little bit of a situation I'm in. My girlfriend, she works at a gym, okay? She's a personal trainer trainer when she first got hired on i kind of had an issue with her becoming that being a personal trainer being that she's she's extremely attractive so i knew guys would hit on her but anyways i went forth with it and i let her know you know do your thing and she ended up becoming a personal trainer and so far everything has been kosher up until today actually where actually she texted me and she told me by the way I was at work today and the GM of the gym ends up letting her know, like, hey, how'd you get such a nice ass?

Which, in my mind, is fucking ridiculous. That's just offensive. You're the GM, you're the general manager of the gym, you don't ask a question like that to your employee. Yeah. And from what I know, the GM is a generally attractive guy in his younger years. And I just was like, she told me this, which I appreciated. But my question is, I guess, is how would you react to that situation?

I mean, you find out this guy is kind of creeping on your girl like that. And I don't even know if it's creeping. I don't know if I should be mad about that, jealous. What should I be, I guess? I don't know. At first I was mad, but that's the question, man. I'm just wondering what you think of it, okay? Let me know.

Awesome, dude. Well, look, thanks for calling in with that bro you got some issues there your ladies at the gym um the owner of the gym is hitting on her you know trying to freaking you know attack that gun from the inside you feel me and i respect that i mean that's nature you know he's just being a part of nature. It sounds like he's being inappropriate. But dude, do you really want a girlfriend that other dudes aren't hitting on? You know? I mean, maybe you do, but I don't think you do.

You know, like, that's one of the consequences. If you're dating a chick that's hot or a chick that works at the gym, bro, any gym. It could just be a like a single barbell in a basement somewhere in a cavern and men will wander in there and hit on her if she says she's a personal trainer there's something sexy about that you know about the woman that works at the gym and trying to you know be sensual with her so that that's going to happen. So I think you kind of want that. I mean, you want your girl to be attractive. You want other men to, to want her. I mean, I'll be honest, bro. Right when you even mentioned your girl that he thought she had a nice ass, I wanted to see your girl's ass, bro. You know, and I'm not saying I'm proud of that thought, but I wanted to see

your girl's ass, dude. and I wanted to see that ass, I wanted to, I was thinking about it, I was thinking about it, man, I was picturing, you know, just the, whatever her ass looked like, the beautiful little globes and the little, just being dirty, bro, I thought about being dirty, so, that's the problem with us, man, there's like, we got sin inside of us, we got the innermost layer of just dirt ball, it's just that dirt ball, it's almost like we have an extra layer of skin on us, and it's just, it's just a bunch of dirt ball cellophane, you know, because we want to be nasty as men, man, you know, I mean, look, I dated a hot chick one time, you know what she did, bro,

dated a hot chick one time you know what she did bro she fucking cheated on me dude so that's what you get bro it can happen it's one of the risks you get that's why the old school move date a busted chick and pretend she's hot that way if you pretend well enough you think she's hot she thinks she's hot and everybody everybody wins pretty much, you know? I mean, that's one school of thought. And on another level, I would worry less about how you feel about the situation and think about how she feels. I mean, she's getting lurked on by this, as you said, an aging GM who looked better in the past. You know, she has a way creepy situation for her to be in uh so you should i would just i would keep your concern right there you know just as to how she feels if she's handling it and she's confident then you got to show up with

that confidence and be supportive right next to her, dude. You can't be getting too insecure. Because women just, it's not in their nature to want to be with an insecure man. It's not in their nature, bro. Not in their nature. If you put an insecure man, or even an insecure baby, I bet, out in a field, and you put a woman out there who has breast milk in her, and that baby's insecure, he's like, I bet you three out of ten women wouldn't breastfeed that baby. But you put a tough-ass baby out there, a little Italian baby, a German baby, then women are going to want that because they're going to feel that security. Oh, that baby knows what he's doing. That baby's combing his hair.

That baby's wearing a gold chain. I'll breastfeed that baby. Yeah, because if you're insecure about other men being interested in her, then that's going to make her question whether or not you believe in yourself. And if she starts questioning that, then immediately she's going to start questioning whether or not she believes in you. And I think that's just nature. That's the insecurity food chain. So you want to be secure.

That's the place you want to come from confidence see if she's all right you know because she's the one who's got to take that ass to the gym and do all the work i don't know if you have a job bro you didn't mention you're employed so i don't know really what you're up to i mean i'm supportive of you if you don't have a job but probably i'd love for you to be working but yeah man I mean I mean it's really unwise to ask somebody to be more secure in you than you are and then I'd let him know I'd let that dude know you know I would let him know in like a weird kind of trill th thug, maybe homoerotic way, dude, here's what I would do.

I would send that dude a letter, the GM dude, and just an anonymous letter. Doesn't know it's from you. Doesn't know what woman it's regarding. And I would say, if you keep hitting on my woman, I'm going to track you down and fuck you, bruh. That's what I would say. And I would underline fuck fuck and I would underline

bruh that way he's going to know you're a little askew and then I would hashtag let's fuck that's what I would do so that way he's like wait you don't want me hitting on your girl or you're going to fuck me and then you're saying let's fuck anyway

now this dude is going to be first of all that makes you seem way secure you then you're saying, let's fuck anyway, now this dude is gonna be, first of all, that makes you seem way secure, you know, you're so secure in your lady, you'll bang this fucking dude, that's, that's secure to me, man, and, and second of all, it lets that dude know shit, you know, if he doesn't want to end up copulating with a man, then he needs to watch what he's doing, and he could be doing that to other women, so that could really, that could really stop a lot of his behaviors, man, so that's kind of a beautiful idea, but those are just some suggestions that I have, what else, guys, I think that's kind of it, maybe for today, man, it's getting late, it maybe for today man it's getting late

where we at it's getting late bro and then actually I got one more thing my mother sent me a card so I'm gonna check this card out. It says, happy birthday. Wishing you a wildly wonderful year. I hope 2017, your 37th year, will bring you happiness and self-satisfaction. I love you, Theo, your mom. Really nice of her to send me that beautiful card right there. My mother doesn't have much but um you know she doesn't give up you know she wasn't equipped with a lot of sometimes i don't think all the emotions that i wanted her to have as a mother when i was young But she never stops working to try and show me that she cares even if she can't and not because it's her own fault but even if she can't always make me feel like she cares. And I think that that's pretty remarkable to not give up man.

Hard working woman out of illinois you know and i admire a hard-working woman man um but yeah my mother and i had some you know just weird stuff growing up you know we just i just never felt uh i just didn't feel her care sometimes you know just got stuck in this care void. But she never has stopped, ever, trying to let me know that she does care. And that's pretty remarkable. It's the best we can do sometimes as people, man. I'll take us out with some music. Let me find a good song.

I appreciate you guys being here with me for my birthday. I know I'm a little tired. Maybe Sunday night isn't the night to do this. I don't know. You know, I don't know. But thank you also for supporting the album, 30-pound bag of hamster bones. It's on iTunes. We got a new album that's going to come out soon. The material from the Netflix special will be released on iTunes as well at a fair price. I'm about fair price things and that sort of thing. I'm not out here trying to make a buck. But I'm trying to make something of myself. I'm trying to make something of my 37th year.

It's going to be wild, dude. Here's I'll Be Home for Christmas. God, they're good all year round. They just march. It's still good. You can learn always. Listen to that deep voice. That's somebody's stepdaddy right there.

That's Mustache. That guy's got a big dong and a mustache. Oh man, I met Charlie Sheen too. I'll tell you about it next week. I forgot about that. Merry Christmas everybody Merry Christmas See you guys See you guys under the mistletoe

Good luck out there Monica Keep your head up Alright boo boo Ladies and gentlemen I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart.

Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a Mccflurry sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.