This Past Weekend - 3-26-18 Spring Romantic | This Past Weekend #83

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

Theo talkin bout romance, animals, Icy Mike, guest hopes, grenade cattle, and infuses callers along the way. Parenthood callers and giving away a correctional center blue shirt. Music: Jameson Flood "Every Night" https://soundcloud.com/jameson-flood/every-night-edit Greyblock Pizza: https://www.greyblockpizza.com Starflow: Celebrities at their Realest: https://starflow.com Zip Recruiter: https://www.ziprecruiter.com/tpw Tickets to Tampa: https://www.theovon.com/tour Dope Candles: https://www.etsy.com/shop/HangoverCandleCo Jocko Willink: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdTMDpizis8 We know a Gunt who can really do the Cool Jerk!! Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Ben Limes Alexis Caniglia Stoody Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk megan Wrynn Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Ken Melvin Lorell Loretta Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How much? Nothing. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. I will be in Tampa, Florida, April 6th and 7th. I just want to let you guys know that you can come out and see me. I also have other dates coming up in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey at Bananas Comedy Club

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Every night I lie. Every night I lie Every night I lie awake Every night I feel like a fake I put on a show Knowing nobody will call Every night you sleep Every night I'll play your piece Tell you things that you know But you still don't know

There you go. That's Jameson Flood right there. And that gentleman named Jameson Flood, and I'm not sure where he's from, but that is his music right there. That song called Every Night. And thank you guys for being here today. Welcome to This Past Weekend. You know, I almost cut the lights off in the studio tonight. You know, because it's, you know, I'm making this, it's nighttime. And this is going to be ready for you guys in a few hours.

But I almost cut the lights off, man, because some of them are like feeling that romance, boy. And the funny thing is, I notice even if I cut the lights off, even if I'm by myself, I can feel like a little bit of romance. You know, I can feel like a little bit of romance kind of come just kind of just, just tickling my tits a little, you know, like I just like you try this man, if you put on put a shawl around your neck you know put like a soft cloth around your neck or even if you can't afford a soft cloth or a shawl or a you know a scarf nothing heavy don't get one of those heavy ass scarfs you know don't show up in a heavy you look like an idiot i'd go two soft scarves before I go one heavy scarf.

You know, one heavy scarf, that's some Amistad type shit. You know, those days are over. Okay? Go two soft scarves and give us free. But I love, if you put on, and if you don't have a scarf, get you some paper towels. Get you like about nine paper towels or eight paper towels in a row. Okay? Take your shirt off.

You know, take your shirt off. If you are a man or a woman, take your shirt off. All right? It doesn't matter. You know, some people have chest. Some people have tits. You know? Tits is just fat chest.

That's all that is, you know, and chest is just lean tits. That's this, you know, and some people have either one. You know, my mother had them A cups and baby A's. And so I didn't see a lot of tit around the house, even if, you know, even if sometimes, you know, sometimes when you're growing up, if you're a child and your mother have nice breasts, you get that free, that free visual. You know, you get that. Oh, OK. You know, even though it's your mother, you know, you're not being like that, but you still get that hit. But my mother had the makeups, you know, so it was more, you know, it wasn't as, I didn't get those voluptuous visuals

around the house. But what I'm saying is this, you know, is that romance can be achieved even by oneself. Everybody thinking, oh, I got to have somebody to be romantic. You know, I got to meet somebody on the internet and, you know, and meet up with them somewhere, a parking lot or something to be romantic. Well, that's bullshit. Those are the old days. Nowadays, here's something you can do around your house even if you're alone. Cut the lights down. Put a few candles around your house.

Don't put a bunch of candles, okay? Especially if you don't use candles a lot because you're somebody that's going to probably burn to death so just use a couple of candles you know put them around and then get you them um if put on a long a soft scarf or even two really soft scarfs or get you a long string of paper towels put that around your neck and now just kind of glide around your house a little bit. Make sure the children are asleep or whatever, you know. Put a couple candles and just kind of like, you know, lean against a wall somewhere and be like, oh, fancy seeing you here.

You know, or open the refrigerator and just take a hit off that coolness. Feel that, you know, feel that cold air just fucking tickle your titty ends. You know, you can make romance wherever you want. Just be like, oh, what was that in the distance? Even if it was nothing, even if it was just the puppy over there touching his little dick or something with his paw or scratching himself. You know what I'm saying? You can make romance wherever. Everybody acts like we got to do this or got to do that to make romance, but you can make your own romance. And that's something that I'm starting to realize in my life. That just because maybe if I don't have love in my life at some point, it doesn't mean that I can't create romance in my life. You could do something

nice for yourself. Get you a couple of them, you know, Valentine's is over. They got a good deal on chocolates out there. Go get out there and get a 40 pack of chocolates, man. And you can get those. Have you two or three. Give some to a neighbor. Now suddenly you eating chocolates with someone. You know, you can make your own romance. And I'm not saying that I'm not trying to get people to be alone. I don't want people to be alone. You know, we got this world right now that's just pushing us to be alone. They just advertising everything, you know, do you, do you, do you. Well, everybody doing themselves in this. And then you got no friends.

You got no friend. You don't have anybody to borrow a shirt from or anybody to borrow some sugar from. But if you happen to be by yourself, that doesn't mean that you can't have a little bit of romance in your life. You know, I do different things. Sometimes I'll put my pants in the dryer and then put them on my legs. What is that? Ooh, daddy got them hot sticks hanging off his hips now.

You can treat yourself to different things. You can do different things for yourself to get that romance. And this is the time of year to do it. You know, because spring is in the air. They got that love. They got that romance. And this is the time of year to do it. You know, because spring is in the air. They got that love. They got that nest. You know, if you get outside early or something, you'll hear birds in the distance, you know, fucking or even just, you know, petting each other heavily. You know, you'll hear baby birds out there waiting for that worm. You know, you could see even some hookers are out

there. Even hookers are happy in the spring. You ever notice that? Oh, you get a wintertime hooker. You know what I'm saying? You get that December escort. That lady ain't fired up. She ain't excited about the potential blowjob money that could be headed her way. But you get out here, you know, you know, you get out here at these times and, and ladies are fired up. You know, if they're working out in the streets, even ladies are fired up because it's springtime and love is in the air. Ah, but I'm trying to create some romance for myself. You know, I'm trying to create some romance. Um, cause we have to do it. You know, you go through times in your life where, you know, I feel you go through times in your life where you don't have that love.

Where you get into bed at night and you just kick your legs out across the other side of the bed and there's nobody there. You know, it's just you just swimming out there like that Nirvana baby in that album cover. You just swimming out there. You know, when you want somebody, you want to have that other you know, you want to have a little bit of love in your life. But that doesn't mean you can't be romantic. You know, you can still do romance a little bit. And that's one thing I would do from time to time is I would, you know, wear something kind of sexy.

Even for a man. You know, everybody acts like only women can have sexy clothing or do something sexy, but a man can wear sexy stuff. You know, you could wear some really large pants or something. You know, you could, you know, I remember sometimes I would take, you know, my grandmother, whenever she died, they gave us some of her stuff. And she didn't have much. You know, she had a strong, strong ceramic reptile collection. And then she had, what else did she have? She had a lot of, she had saved a lot of baked goods from over the years, but in the box still.

You know, she had like German chocolate cake from like 1974, you know, the recipe box. So we had a couple of, you know, exotic old cakes and stuff, you know, unmade cakes in the packaging. But she had these kind of naughty shirts, I thought. Blouses, they call them blouses. And to me, they look like just fucking naughty curtains just hanging off an old lady's neck, you know? And so when my grandma passed, I remember I was young. I was just coming into, you know, puberty and everything.

And I was just rocking into, you know, puberty. That's when your dick will wake you up. You don't even need an alarm clock. Your dick will wake you up because it wants to hound around and look for some cooch, you know, or fire off at some cat. And I noticed that, I noticed that,

you know, I got that, I got a, you know, I got about a quarter box of them blouses because we had four, my grandmother had four grandchildren, so everybody got it you know a quarter of the items in this box because some senior center she was at sent us a box of her you know uh goods you know death goods or whatever because she passed and so i got a quarter box of

these blouses a lot of baby blue and i mean mint green but the barely any green in it like you had to look deep into that blouse to even just just catch that hint of green it wasn't really a mint I thought it was kind of like a kind of like a summer lime but I remember I'd put those blouses on dude and and you know and honestly touch myself and I know that's crazy but at the time in my life you know when I was coming into my own, really, that I felt exotic. You know, it made me feel it was sexual. You know, it was sexual. And I remember I'd catch some real strong ends.

That means nuts, honestly, in the springtime. Because your body's vibrant, you know, And that's where we are right now. People's bodies are vibrant. You'll see a woman just drop a batch of eggs in the park right now. It's that time of year. People are fertile. You'll see a guy

jerking off into some begonias or something. I mean, nature is looking for each other. You know, you'll see a damn, you'll see a couple tulips in the park blow a dude, a big tulip. Don't be surprised. I'm just saying that love is in the air. And that if you don't have somebody, if you don't have another person at this moment, that doesn't mean that you can't treat yourself in ways to feel loved. That's what I'm feeling.

Because you know what? I'm sick of letting these lonely bugs live inside of my body for free. You know, I'm sick of walking around thinking, oh, I don't have, I don't have, you know, I don't have nobody to hold my heart at night. You know, or I don't have anybody to share a toothbrush with. Or I don't have a good person to pull their hair out of the drain when I use my shower. I don't have those love rituals in my life. But you can have them. Some of those you might just have to create by yourself in the meantime. But you can do fun stuff for yourself.

You know, put some fucking honey on your thighs. You know, put some Zatziki on your fucking hip bones. Do something for yourself. Because you don't have to have another person to have romance. But I remember, yeah, man, I would get shirtless and I would put that long string of paper towels around my neck. And I would just kind of peruse around the house in the dark, you know, with those candles lit. Just waiting for a big, beautiful lady just to come and just, you know, just blow me out. So you have to sometimes create romance for yourself.

But I want to thank you guys for being here with me. We had such a great response last week on the podcast, and it's inspiring. I want to thank Gray Block Pizza. That's our charter sponsor. I could not have even started this podcast or really kept it going, I don't think, if at some point somebody didn't say, hey, I want to help.

And I'm grateful to them. Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles. If you're driving around, you ain't got nothing to do, you got 40 minutes to kill, go to Gray Block. Open your mouth. Give them a couple bucks. They give you some Italian. Get that head up. What else is going on, man?

We had some wild calls that came in. You know, last week I know things got a little bit, you know, we got heavy, man. We'll keep it all. You know, in this podcast, it goes where it goes. It goes where it goes. Supposed to have my first guest this week. Do I want to tell y'all who it is? Do I not want to tell you?

I don't know. See, I'm still a little bit nervous in this scenario. But I don't want to tell you because I don't want to get people's hopes up. But also, sometimes I want to put it out into the air because, you know, I want my guests to want to come on, I guess. You know, I get nervous about having guests because I get nervous sometimes to ask people to do stuff for me or to do stuff with me. You know, I have, I don't know, all my life I've felt like that. You know, if I ask somebody to do something or ask somebody to do something even that's awesome, you know, even ask somebody to come spend some time, that they're going to, you know,

I guess maybe that they're going to say no because they think that something's wrong. That I guess the fear is that I'm not good enough. You know, that they're going to be like, oh, no, you know, you know, your, you know, your little podcast or spending time with you isn't. And that's a Hollywood thing. You know, it's just a Hollywood thing that sometimes. But that's what keeps me sometimes from asking certain guests. I'm trying to just get friends that I can be comfortable with and be comfortable around.

But thank you guys for holding on your patience with me there. We got the chairs in. We have everything. We got a guy coming tomorrow to hook up some cameras and get it right. But we had this call coming, man. We're going to roll through some calls that are going to fit right into the show. I'm getting more comfortable with making things flow. And yeah, man, treat yourself well.

You know, you're not lonely. You might be alone, but you're not lonely. You know? And there's ways to get through it. We got this. Let's take this hitter right here. Here we go. Oh, that's a right here Here we go Oh that's a song Here we go

Let's take this Hold on Hold on man Damn boy Some white guy Hold on Alright we got this dude Here we go

Hold on All right, we got this, dude. Here we go. Hold on. Hold on. Hey, feel what it is, man. Gang, gang, boy. How you living? I'm living, brother. Onward. I want to ask you a question.

Have you ever done one of those hot springs, one of those hot spring baths? The day I was in Glenwood, Colorado, and I did one of those hot spring baths. It had all the minerals and everything in it. A hot spring bath, man. Yeah. Have I done some? Yes, I have. I have done some.

Let's hear a little more. I paid $24 for a bath, bro. I mean, what the hell? Am I crazy, boy? Right? Well, if you paid $24 for a bath bro i mean what the hell am i crazy boy right well if you pay 24 for a bath man i don't know if we know each other you know because you at them high you taking them high price dips you know i'm not the kind of guy that will spend 24 on a bath have i been to some hot springs yes man i was in i actually as a student we took a trip one time into, I did work study on a cruise ship. And we took a trip over to Japan.

And we walked off into Kyoto, out into the hills and stuff like that. You know, and that's fucking, I mean, that's's you could buy some exotic swords out there when you get far enough out into those japanese hillsides it's like damn zelda you know you could reach into a bush and pull out a fucking you know uh you know an electric vase and change it and trade it in you know nine minutes later under a bridge for a couple exotic swords and we were out there in the countryside what what little countryside there is in Japan, and they had a hot spring. And so me and my buddy, rest in peace, one of my good friends, we went in there, dude, and my buddy was really good at yoga. And he had one of them hairless

bodies. He had a hairless body. And you know, I'm Polish Nicaraguan, dude, so I'm a farmer. body. And you know, I'm Polish Nicaraguan, dude, so I'm a farmer. I'm a farmer at heart. And you know, I got at least a couple of hecticers of decent hair around my body, especially around my ass and hips. You know, I'm that hair boy. You know, I'm that hair boy. When I die, they're going to have to braid my legs before they put me in the casket because I ain't going out like that. You know, I'm haired up. You know what I'm saying? My uncle used to have to gel down his neck for church because he had all hair on his neck. And some people are thinking a beard, nah, not a beard. Okay. I know where a beard goes. I'm talking about follicled up around that neck. And so that's, you know,

that's where my family's at when it comes to all that kind of stuff. But but anyway, my buddy was hairless and he went in there and, you know, we went to these natural hot springs. And they in Japan, in this place, I believe the pronunciation is Kyoto. In Kyoto, they have you go in and you pay a couple of dollars, you know, might have been, you know, four dollars. You go in and you pay a couple dollars, you know, might have been, you know, four dollars and you get that. You get they give you these slippers, these magical kind of slippers and you go in. And they got men have been sitting in these springs for like a month. They got one dude in there. He was all pruned up. I mean, this guy looked like, you know, this guy looked like about a 90 year old asshole.

I'm saying he was, you know, kind of damp and kind of pruned up and then you had a couple of other business dudes in there smoking cigars but I mean everybody fully naked and I've never even spent time around the Japanese you know I mean they had a rumor that they had a an Asian kid when I was young about 17 miles away from where I grew up and we saved money to go see him one time in a taxi but he wasn't there so that was uh I don't know that could have been just a scam or something they started the taxi company started just to get people excited about traveling locally but there was yeah we heard a rumor there was an Asian boy and we went and it wasn't there wasn't one there was a house somebody built a house with like a roof kind of crazy on it.

You know, like this kind of exotic roof. But that was it. So we wasted that money. That was about a $60 venture for me and my two buddies. However, so back to the story. So we go in this place and all the, you know, they got a lot of Japanese gentlemen in there and everybody's naked. And my buddy, he was kind of a showman, you know, he was got, he was kind of a showman and he did yoga and he did, he could do it well. So next thing you know, my

buddy's in this hot, in this hot spring and everybody's getting in these pools and taking these dips. And one of them's like this clay water and stuff. And my buddy in front of like about nine dudes, like gets into onto his hands gets like straight upright like so his legs straight up in the air and then just completely does his legs out to the side and just showed that freaking you know show that uh you know that little gopher cannon showed that b-hole to about nine Japanese guys and it it was, I'd never seen anything like it. I mean, first of all, I'd never, you know, I'd never seen really another man's butthole.

I'd seen one other man's butthole, you know, and I'll tell you about that in a second. But I'd never seen, I'd never seen a group of guys see another person's butthole all at the same time. And so that was kind of the riveting part. Because it's one thing to see somebody see a butthole. You can see that on the internet now. But this was seeing a whole flock of men in a language that I didn't speak.

And a lot of times when you see someone who speaks a different language or from a different culture, everything is a little different, you know. Some of their mannerisms and the way that they, you know, behave in the face of fear, in the face of excitement, their instinctual reactions to things, they're running off of a different DOS system, off of a different template, you know, than we are sometimes in other cultures. But when I saw these nine Japanese gentlemen, you know, catch a hit off my buddy's, off that, you know, off that dirty baby wink, man, it was pretty exotic, man. I'll say that, you know, about six of them

bowed, kind of did a quick bow forward. One dude looked like he, you know, almost like it was a sign, like he'd been waiting for a sign from the heavens or something and this was it and it wasn't good. And then they had, I think one dude was blind, so he didn't even see it. You know, blind, if you're blind, you don't know if somebody's showing a butthole or if it's just, you know, people are just, you know, doing small talk. You don't know what's going on really. And, uh, and I don't remember the other, the other, the other guy, I don't, he might've, I don't remember, but those are the reactions that I remember. You know, the last guy, I don't think he liked it. I think he might've scored it a two, but that was, that was, uh, those are the reactions that I remember. You know, the last, I don't think he liked it.

I think he might have scored it a two. But that was a time that I went to a hot spring. You know, that was my experience with a hot spring there in Japan. You know, I did get tickled by a thick boy one time on a cruise ship in a hot tub. And he was, I don't want to say he was on uppers or drugs, because it was early in the morning and he was only about 12. But if I ever had to go to court over that, I could not imagine that this boy wasn't on some ecstasy or something,

on some children's ecstasy. But look, man, if you're taking $24 baths, daddy, we don't know each other. Okay, because that's, where are you bathing? You know, that's $3 just to even get in the, that sounds like a $3 entry fee. To a tub? I'm out. You know, you're running on them high class,

you know, you're dipping in those high class waters. I mean, you know what I'm saying? I'll pour a couple cups of warm water on your shoulders for nine bucks but it seemed like you're doing you know you you spend an extra money that's like one time somebody put me up at a hotel room I was doing a show I don't remember where this was man I think this was in actually in South Africa and I got booked on this wild show at this casino and Mark Curry was the headliner hanging with Mr. Cooper um I think Joe Coy was on it we had a great group of comedians that were over there and I was having a blast you know I was I mean this was an exotic locale and I'm over there and I'm fired up and then they said the room was like six600 a night. And I couldn't even go to sleep.

I'm like, what? If I even doze off for an hour, that's 70 bucks. You know? So I can imagine if you're spending $24 in a bath, you better get your money's worth. I mean, and I don't know how you do that in a group bath. How do you get your money's worth out of a group bath?

That's what, you know. But the other time, oh yeah, I don't know how you do that in a group bath. How do you get your money's worth out of a group bath? But the other time, oh yeah, I forgot. The other time I'd seen some gentleman's, you know, some gentleman's, you know, dirty little secret power, pothole, was they had this man in our neighborhood and when he was young, you know, he would, you know, I guess we were younger than him, but he, you know, he would, you know, I guess we were younger than him, but he, you know, from far away, man, this dude was kind of wild, I guess, Mr. Garrett. But what he would do was, and he might have been, you know, honestly, he might,

and I shouldn't say this because I didn't know it at the time, he might have been, he might have had some mental disabilities. I don't know that for sure, but he's still over this family and he was getting older and he wore a book bag all the time. You know, when he had kind of a, you know, he, you know, he, somebody in his family cut his hair. You know, there was some more, there were some warning signs, but he would, he would give you a couple of dollars, two or $3. And then you'd walk off about 40 feet and show you his asshole. And the only thing was, you know, to make sure you got to keep that money, you had to stay there and look. And it wasn't, you know, everybody these days, like everything's pervy and everything's, you know, in New York and LA, all these people writing all these articles and all.

They're like, this is perverted and this is this and this is that. Man, shit wasn't perverted back in the day. You know, I was at the comedy store last night and Joey Coco Diaz was saying that Christmas didn't start until somebody had their dick out. And I'm not saying that I 100% agree with that. And I know he's joking, obviously. But people got to quit tripping you know it's just a bunch of people that are making money off of making all everything a big deal that's what I hate about some of these environments because 90% of people don't give a fuck that's 90% of people do not care you know you know if you got you know, there's a big difference between somebody

getting molested and somebody, you see somebody pull their dick out. You can't see a dick. What's wrong with you? You came out of a dick. Somebody show you their wiener or break a tit out somewhere. Oh, well, look the other way. Grow up about it. I'm so sick of all of this man and i'm sorry just i know i'm leaping on this thing but that you know that kind of stuff makes me mad man and all it is is clickbait it's all these people just making money man that's all it is that's why don't be shocked when you get you know when people come when you get a politician that comes in and just says whatever he wants everybody's's like, fuck, yeah.

I'll listen to anybody who could say whatever they want. Fuck, who gives a fuck? Because we're so tired of the other thing. People are so tired of the other thing. I'm so tired of every article, everything being somebody did something wrong. Somebody said something wrong. Somebody hurt somebody's feelings. You know, I'm watching these kids this weekend.

They had the parkland and, you know, talking about that tragedy. And, man, there's a great documentary that's out there. And I say great, but it's, you know, it's about the Newtown, you know, the Newtown tragedy that happened in, I think, Newtown, Connecticut, I believe. And forgive me if I'm saying it wrong. I haven't seen it in a while. But it's really, it's, you know, it makes you feel, man. If you want those feels, you can go watch that. But I'm watching these children this weekend and hearing some of them talk and it's exciting. It's exciting to see kids be empowered. It also, some of it's like

like where was, why aren't, like how why are, you know I agree there's some weapons they shouldn't have out there. They shouldn't have them. I agree sometimes that do we it'd be great to put a mandate on it. We don't really need to make any more guns for 10 years.

Maybe we have a lot of guns. Also though, like why, you know, where were these kids speaking up when one of their class, when they, when there's a, when there's a kid at school who's weird or who's uncomfortable you know when do and i know that this you know that people have reported this you know the kid the parkland kid who had who who you know committed this strategy they reported him you know people reported this kid to the fbi i mean the the FBI was chasing, you know, hunting down, you know, mythical servers around the universe that I don't know whatever happened with that scenario. But obviously they had their, you know, they or whatever they were doing, who knows? But they didn't, you know, it seemed like every protocol was taken. The only protocol that we can't really fix, you know, they can change the age of guns, sure.

That you can't buy them at 18, I think that that's okay. You can't buy an assault rifle at 18? A-okay, bro. You know, I don't think you should be able to buy gasoline if you're an idiot. I've always thought that. Oh, you're an idiot? We're going to give you three, and you can buy 300 miles worth of gas. That means now your dumb ass can go wherever you want to. Uh, fuck that. If you're dumb,

you can buy gas. You get enough gas to get to school. That's it. You walk back in that you're like, um, you only gave me like a, uh, a mile and a half worth of gas. And the attendance like, you only gave me like a mile and a half worth of gas. And the attendant's like, yep, that's because the community college is, and there you go. I don't think, if you're severely ignorant, you shouldn't be able to just ride around the universe, you know, spreading ignorance everywhere. But I wonder where, you know, where are all these kids speaking up when it's, you know, when people are, when you see that you got that strange bird in your class. And why does this stuff happen now? I mean, I think a lot of it, I mean, I've said it before, you know, I'm not trying to get too serious, but sometimes we got to talk about things that are topical.

You know, we got to talk about that stuff, you know, and I'm okay to be wrong. I don't know. I have no idea. I've never been a parent. You know, I I'm okay to be wrong. I don't know. I have no idea You know, I've never been a parent, you know, I was a kid. I used to make fun of some kids sometimes Sometimes but not as bad as some kids did. I mean I would joke around I would probably joke around with everybody about the same You know, and I think everybody kind of got joked around with here and there But if I saw somebody that I thought was really getting, you know, being rude to, I would always step in and try to say something,

try to help, you know, but some of that stuff's just going to occur. But what, you know, some, I'm just like, what? I don't know. I just don't, sometimes it just seems like it's all this weird show that's going on. Like I'm happy these kids are motivated and, and I'm happy that.

Yeah. They shouldn't have to be in such fear. Because dude. When you think about that. Think about that. Think about that. Think about going to school now. When this stuff starts to happen every couple months.

If it does. Or every year. You know if it increases. Man. I'd be scared to go to school. If I'm already a kid that has a lot of anxiety, I'd be so scared. And then the kids who seem like they are, are, you know, uncomfortable at school or the kid who was, you know, kind of the odd duck back in the day. Now, every kid at school was probably like, this dude's going to shoot up the fucking school. Because that's how kids are.

Kids have this thing built into them. You know, I just don't know. I don't know. I just don't know what some of it is. It's like, yeah, you have this show. You have this, you know, these marches and everything. But it's like, is it just, I don't know. I just don't see how that solves things.

But maybe there is no solution. You know, maybe some of it's time. I think also we are going to start to learn like in time, like because, you know, I grew up in a generation where we didn't have as much technology and then we had too much technology. And I think we're going to start to learn how to use technology a little bit better

and how to fit it in with who we are as humans i hope because it's definitely it's certainly gotten out of control i mean you had all these you know like you have people kids so disconnected that just live in worlds of video games and you got uber valet uber cars running over people you got drones filming the neighbor's tits male or female tits so some things we got to roll back on now filming them neighbors tiats you know i think those shouldn't i mean that's kind of okay with me but if you're taking them a 24 bath dude we don't know each other okay because you you taking them um you taking those expensive dips. I don't do that. You catch me in a $41 room at the Ramada where I can bathe as much as I want.

It's included in that $41. I can do whatever I want. I remember one time being at a Ramada. They didn't even have an air conditioner in that bitch was the third floor was closed because they had some murder they had some murder up there and so we were all down we had to stay second floor or lower and uh i remember one of the chip machine well i remember first of all they didn't have air conditioner so we had one of those little freezers and one of those little refrigerators in our room and we just opened the door and we would kind of sit by that when we got real hot and let that coolness hit us that little

box you know one of those little brown box frigerators those little bitty ones and you just get that you'd open the door and just get that hit of cold air and then shut it and wait for it to make another cold hit or uh and then i remember playing hide and go seek and the chip machine had been all busted out or shot up somebody had shot it up you know could have been a brother i mean it could have been or you know could have been an aggressive white dude but somebody has shot up uh of uh one of those frito-lay vending machines or whatever and somebody hid inside of it dude all the uh stuff inside of it was out or had been broken. And somebody hid inside that shipment.

You could just open the door and get in there. And they just in there just, you know, kind of trying to be real calm and look like a, you know, just look like a whatchamacallit or something. Like the candy, you know, just trying to stay out of the way. Let's cruise to another call, man. Here we go. What happened? What's going on here?

Hey, Theo. It's Andrea again from AZ. This is Andrea from Arizona. And, you know, unfortunately, I don't know if I remember the first time you called, Andrea, but thank you for calling back. More? From Arizona. But I also have another question.

Well, you have to ask a first question before you ask a second one. I don't know how much gasoline you're going to get. Let's go. More. What type of girl do you like? Do you like... I imagine you like them all shapes and colors but uh what type of personality do you like in a girl you know do you like her to be funny like you or uh or docile

and quiet i appreciate you again and uh bye thank you for calling andrea i appreciate you as well uh do i like them docile i mean i don't like them under the influence of you know quaaludes Bye. I don't mind two pigtails. You know, I remember this one girl only had one pigtail in my neighborhood because they only had one barrette at her house. And they got, her and her sister got a set of barrettes for Christmas, but the set only come with two barrettes. And so they each got to use one. So they running around each looking like, you know, half a Wendy's logo because each one of them had that just one, you know, that one stray, that one braid riding out.

You know, just like a diving board that was, you know, taking the afternoon off. Just kind of hanging off that side, you know, ganging out. So I don't mind a little bit of braids. I like a hardworking woman. You know, I don't want any of these. I need a teammate. I need a partner in crime. I like a woman that knows that life is hard work. I like a woman, for me, I think that has some semblance of idea or thoughts of there being some sort of a higher power. thoughts of there being some sort of a higher power. That doesn't have to be, they don't need to believe in Jesus Christ. They don't need to believe in Muhammad or a specific deity or a specific liaison to a religion.

But I need them to, I want them to believe that there's something greater out there than us. I ain't freaking backpack. I ain't carrying around no atheist. I just can't, you know, because for me that doesn't work. For some people it may, and that's okay if it works for you. But I don't want somebody, you know, where every other day feels like Halloween around the house

because they dark art. What else do I like? You know, I dated a girl with a real small head one time. I wouldn't mind more of like a regular headed woman. I dated a girl, had this little pen top. You know, at some time when you were, when I was making out with her, I could kiss her and my hands would touch under her chin and on the top of her head at the same time. And she was an adult, obviously. And, but I remember just like dang she got that little she got that cabbage ball you know and I started thinking how many I how many ideas could she even

have in this in this thing in this hitter you know on top of her neck you know I was always scared somebody with a t-ball bat was just gonna roll roll up and just, you know, try to knock a double, because she had that little, that little baby, you know, you know, that little, that little, you know, that little, you know, mediocre sphere, but she was a beautiful girl, I mean, I think she was probably the, she might have been the prettiest girl in New Orleans, but she, and, and, you know, but who knows, man, do I like, you know, I like a woman that's a hard worker. I like a woman that's a hard worker and I want a woman that can be a mother. You know, I don't want one of these whiny ass ladies talking about, you know, preaching all the time about, you know, motherhood and this and that when they don't even have any children. I

want a woman who doesn't mind having some children, you know, and who doesn't mind having some children with me. I'm not looking for some housewife. My wife can have a job. My wife can be a CEO. My wife can be president of the United States. That's fine with me. But I would hope that if we can have children, that we have them. So that's something. What kind of ladies I like if I'm just thinking about being Randy, you know, I like, you know, I like. I mean, I remember when I was young, I dated, you know, I like that kind of Native American looking type kind of girl. Like if you saw her, you know, if you walk by and she was wearing a little bit of, you know, you know, if you peeped in time, if you were peeking in her windows and she didn't know you were there, she might have had on those, you know, that buffalo skin brassiere, you know, or she might have had a couple of duck uteruses

kind of woven in with some vine and holding up her breasts, you know, just some lady that's really of the earth, you know, that Native American kind of girl. If you're peeking in her window at night, you wouldn't be surprised if her dad freaking dropped that arrow right by your ear, you know, parted your hair just, and you know not to look at his daughter, get, you know, change clothes and stuff at night, even though you guys are in love with each other. So I think I had that kind of Pocahontas sort of thing that I kind of always maybe envisioned you know and my mother you know they say that you're attracted to some characteristics that your mother has and my mother was kind of uh was sort of kind of tall dark and handsome I guess in

a way but in a female way my mother's a hard worker uh the hardest working man i've ever known is my mother and so i you know i really admire that you know i need uh because i need a teammate and i'm a lot to deal with i know that you know i'm really sensitive you know i'm a sensitive uh person and i get better at managing my sensitivity but i still i need somebody's got that so you know who's able to you know who's able to deal with that. But also, I think it changes over time. Some things I start to see. One good thing about being single as you get older and being able to kind of see how relationships shake out and stuff is that you notice like, oh, I'm glad I didn't go with that one.

Or I'm glad I didn't go with that one. oh, I'm glad I didn't go with that one, or I'm glad I didn't go with that one, or I'm, you know, or I'm not that I didn't go, but I'm glad that one, that situation didn't work out or that situation didn't work out because of this or because of that. You know, you start to see like, oh, I see how that, how that person goes that way or how that type of person goes that way. You just get more view. That's one thing that is kind of rewarding about being single as I get older, is being able to get a larger view of what's going on. I've been fortunate enough to date some neat gals. I hope I haven't, in my life, I don't know if I've ever mistreated any

women or done anything like that. You know, I think I've been afraid of commitment and those sorts of things. And so that probably hadn't been very helpful to some women. But those are some things that I like. You know, and for me, if a woman's funny, that's beautiful to me. If a woman is, if a woman likes to play board games sometimes in the evening or in the afternoon, then I like that. You know, I like a girl that doesn't mind, you know, maybe doing like a silly dance or something. Or doesn't mind like, you know, looking silly sometimes because those things inspire me. You know, I'm always so afraid to like,

you know, it's kind of weird. I'm afraid to look silly. Like I'm not afraid to tell jokes and say things that are silly, but I'm afraid physically sometimes to look silly. And so if there's a girl that kind of is comfortable with those sorts of things, then that makes me feel, you know, I admire that because I wish I could be that way. Fuck, I think I'm just describing things we all want. But that's some of my ideas, Andrea.

And you sound like a beautiful young lady. And if I don't have somebody or if you don't have somebody, then at the very least, you know, we can still treat ourselves with romance. So once you get out there and put some damn, you know, put some of that Zatziki on your thighs, you know, and treat yourself right. You know, light a candle and pour some wax on your neck or something. You know, or dip your shoulders in chocolate and lick it off. Do that side to side, you know. That freaking nervous, with that nervous tongue just hunting your freaking clavicle, hunting along your clavicle with that nervous tongue just back and forth, back and forth. Just getting your own chocolate hits. Some beauty right there.

Let's hear another call that came in right here. Just kind of chiming into the conversation. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Kara, the animal agent from New York. Oh, yeah. Kara. Kara.

Yeah, thank you for calling back, Kara, because I told you about them animals. You know, and I knew a lady that lived out near Calabasas and she had all these show animals. She had the circus mouse from Green Mile. She had the dog from I Am Legend. She had the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. She had a batch of snails from some famous movie. I don't know what it was and I'd never seen their work.

But onward. Calling back again. You had asked for a little bit more information about my job, and so here it goes. So my job is totally awesome, as one would expect. I get to work with all different kinds of animals

every single day. Ooh. Man, that's crazy, because you probably get to see animals that the rest of us don't even know about. You know, that's a pretty fascinating. I've always wished that, you know, that we had access to all the animals. Let's hear more. You know, I'm probably one of the few people in this country, at least, that absolutely loves their job.

Wow. You know, you sound excited. You sound absolutely loves their job. Wow. Yeah. You know what? You sound excited. You sound excited about your job. Onward. So a couple of things that people would know that we have done, um, Impractical Jokers, if anybody has seen that show, which I'm sure many of your listeners have. Yep. Impractical Jokers. And I went on their cruise two years ago and, um, I met some great people on there. My girl Loretta and my boy Kevin out there and his brother. I met them by the skill crane. And they were alcoholics. And they now make all my t-shirts.

I met them on the Impractical Jokers cruise. And they're beautiful over there. And they got a brother named Tom who's taller than them. And may or may not have the same parents. But anyhow, yes, I do know the Impractical Jokers, some of them, very special guys. And you had an animal that worked with them? Any animals that you've seen on that show, we have provided all of them. Some of my favorite moments and some of the ones that I can be seen in

are the episode where Sal is delivering the cow and also where we put the tarantulas on cue. Oh, there you go you go yeah cue is a sweetheart man you know there's no if you you want to know about a group of guys and if you don't know about them the impractical jokers right and they and they are four of the just neatest men ever ever and people you know you might look at them and think, well, these guys just made up this silly show or this and that, but for 20 years, they had a group called the Tenderloins, and they kept working, and they pitched TV shows a couple of times and almost there, and it didn't happen, and almost there, and it didn't happen, and then boom. Everything worked

out the way that it was supposed to, And success couldn't happen to four better people who have put in the work, who have put in the work. But I'm grateful to know them. And that makes me cool that you work with some beautiful show animals that are obviously humorous, if your animals are providing humor. Because I'm sure some people are only doing,

you know, working with crows or working with ravens or vultures, you know, or coyotes or animals that are doing more violence. Let's hear more. That was me doing that. So a couple of funny things that happen sometimes when we're on set. Usually if the animal is having some kind of a bowel movement or. Oh, that's duty. She talking more.

And issue on set in that way, shape or form. And it's, you know, rarely, rarely, you know, somebody's pet dog, cat, something like that. OK, I'm going to interrupt this here. I appreciate you calling, Kara. Thank you so much. But this reminds me of a story that had this man in my town named Icy Mike. And some people know about this. And I've told it before, I think. But he used to of a story. They had this man in my town named Icy Mike. And some people know about this. And I've told it before, I think.

But he used to have different animal. He had, I might have told this last week. Honestly, my brain is so bad. You got to know that about me. I don't have a good memory. And this man, you know, Icy Mike, he would get water from different parts of America. And he would freeze it. And we would go over to his house and eat the ice

because a lot of us you know we didn't travel in my neighborhood you know you were lucky to get to Florida once you know by the time you were 17 so Icy Mike you know he was getting water from you know he was getting water from Georgia he was was getting water from, he had a couple of buckets come down from Missouri. He had like six gallons or something. Somebody sold him that was from Branson. I mean, this dude was getting water from some really neat places. And so we, he would freeze it and we would go over there and he would put it in those ice trays and stuff or just do a big block. He put it in those ice trays and put the toothpicks in it.

And after we freeze it, we go over there and eat it and talk about the area, you know, and just fantasize and just be imaginative about, oh, I wonder what it was like, you know. it was like, you know, you know, this water tastes like maybe they had skiers going through it or, you know, maybe they had on like people having a picnic by the banks or whatever. You know, we would just use our imaginations and think about the ice and to try and taste different realities that could have been nearby the water before it had come to us when it was in its natural habitat. And so anyhow, you know, sometimes he would get a big, you know, he'd just freeze it in before it had come to us when it was in its natural habitat. And so anyhow, you know, sometimes he would get a big, you know, he'd just freeze it in a big chunk and it would almost be like a luau.

You know, we'd just chip off pieces of ice and just, you know, have a little bit of lake mead or, you know, some, I don't know if he ever got anything foreign, you know, but he got some, you know, I don't think he ever got any like lake titicaca or anything like that but you know he'd have the normal lake poncha train or something from you know lake born different stuff but maybe from like ontario something like that one time but anyhow that was good stuff we would have that well icy mike he took some acid one time because a lot of bad lsd would come through the South.

And the kind of shit where, you know, the next week, suddenly everybody's, you know, you know, everybody just kind of like their, you know, people are wearing vests, I remember. Or one time everybody bought a bunch of cowboy boots after some acid came through. So you were like, ooh, oh you know that kind of left people a little bit feeling a little bit country or different things you know you'd have people you know some acid would come through and next thing you know everybody would be doing artwork in their yard or something just we you know shit where you know the acid was kind of affecting everybody as a group well icy mike got a couple bad hits a couple of bad squares of that fucking paper magic

and he had this he quit doing the ice and he put all his money in the livestock because his daddy had left him about 800 when he died so he put all his money in a livestock and he bought a bunch of cattle or large animals one of them i think was a fat horse that had a bad, you know, it had been, somebody had kind of scalped it. And so it didn't have like a tail, but it looked like a cow. You know what I'm saying? Similar animals. And he fed them all a bunch of stuff and he was going to have them all poop at the same time. And this just goes back to your story a little bit, Kara, about animal bowel movements, but where he was going to have them all shit at the same time. So he sold tickets around town. You know, he had tickets around town. He could seat about 40. He had some old bleachers out there. So we all going out there to watch the big shit. So everybody's fired up and people are drinking

and everything. And some people even fucking out in the distance and everybody's waiting for these animals all to shit at once. And you're thinking to yourself, that's creepy, I would never watch that. But right now you're still listening to the story and you're also thinking, man, I wonder how this went. So therefore you would watch that because your brain's still hanging around, isn't it? So it's coming time where everybody's expecting, you know, 845 or whatever,

all these animals are going to bust out their asses and everything at the same time, you know, kind of not really a fireworks, but, you know, something exciting, almost a little bit biblical. But then next thing you know, one of the animals got scared, you know, because I think a car alarm went off or something. Somebody had a Sunfire, one of those Sunfire cars. And basically, if you ever owned a Sunfire, I think it was like a Pontiac Sunbird or Sunfire, the only thing the car did was the battery would die

and the alarm would go off. I don't even think you could drive them. The battery died and then the alarm would go off, which was ironic because you needed the battery to run the alarm. But those Sunfires, man, one of all something. One of those went off. Anyhow, one of these animals, and I

don't know what it was. It could have been a, you know, some, something with a deformity. It could have been a fucking, it could have been a giraffe with, uh, you know, with down syndrome. I don't know what, you know, what was going on at the time with, but one of these animals took off and people were like, oh shit shit this isn't good you know and they had a man who had been in a war or who just owned artillery okay and he took a he had a grenade a real grenade and you know sometimes you hear about grenades and well sometimes you don't well this is a time when you hear about it. This man threw, I don't know if he had a flashback, like somebody was escaping, this was the enemy or something. And I've never even seen a cow run, but this cow was running, if it was a cow.

And this man threw a fucking grenade, bruh. And from looking at this dude, and I know him. And from looking at this dude, and I know him. I won't say his full name, but first name, Gary. But spelled G-E-R-R-Y. So I'll give those clues if somebody from my town is listening. And some people called him Mr. Gary, and I never called him that. But anyhow, Gary, throw this grenade.

And I'm thinking, no way Gary's going to. he don't look like a man that's very accurate. And I'll be, damn boy, if Gary couldn't fucking start a barbecue from 300 feet away with a damn grenade. Fascinating. So, you know, not cool. And I'm not the kind of guy who glorifies that kind of stuff. I don't think animal cruelty is good. This is before they had animal cruelty. This is 20 years ago when animals and humans were still fighting each other a lot and not seeing eye to eye. But that shit went off, boy.

And so that's where I'm from. If you want to know where I'm from, that's where I'm from. So I don't want people to act like, oh, you're from Heath. That's where I'm from. All right? But thank you for calling, young lady. and I'm sorry to get fired up. Let's hear another call. Hey, Theo.

My name is Avery, and I am an open mic comedian out of Detroit. Avery, Detroit, man. And thank you for calling, dude, and God bless you guys. Man, I know that, you know, I can't even imagine what your state has been through in the past 20 years. You know, I know it's probably been tough up there in Michigan and people having a tough time and this and that. And you guys are powerful and you guys persevere and keep your head up. You know, keep your head up.

Just, you know, I just can't imagine, you know, when you have an industry in your city or in your neighborhood or in your town and your grandparents worked in it and maybe your father worked in it and suddenly that industry is disappearing you don't know what to do and people don't know what to do you know and then next thing you know everybody's yelling at you because you're not living your life right what do you want me to do i got three kids you know and I live in this town already. I can't just up and move to, you know. So, I don't know. I didn't mean to get all into that shit, but thank you for calling, man. Onward. Doing about a year now, just starting out.

Love listening to the podcast. Love the motivation of you trying to improve your life. And I heard your comments recently about masturbation, and I have some thoughts out of it. Well, thank you for calling, Avery, and I do. I do do masturbation, and I am trying to get, I'm trying. Onward. And I actually do a little bit of a bit about it, because I don't know whether masturbation is good or bad, because in the Bible it says it's bad, and that you're not supposed to do it, but everybody says that it's not a big deal, but my thought is that the Bible is right about masturbation and that it is bad because it's not about the devil or anything like that.

It's bad because it satisfies you. So like if you're, if you're feeling bad and you want to feel good, you either have the option to go out and make your life better by doing the hard stuff, or you can just rub your dick and feel good right away. That's true. And that's, you know, and I've chosen that path many times, probably 20 or 30, 20, maybe 15,000 times rubbing my dick. I mean, like there's a damn genie in there. And you're right. You know, we, we put these things in for, or I do, I'm not going to say we, and I don't

know you, but I, you know but you're sharing some of this stuff. I put things in my way that anything I can put in my way to prevent me from having to deal with myself and make myself a better person or to get better, I will do it. It could be a cigarette. It could be masturbation. It could be looking at pornography. It could be, you know, doing some mild peep and timing from far away, but safe distances. And I don't do that anymore. So I don't even think I'm out there like that. But, you know, over time, when I look back in my life, anything I could do, instead of having to sit there and be with myself. Anything I could do. And some people say, you're so restless.

Yeah, I was restless, but I also, I didn't want to, I was afraid. You know, I didn't want to wrestle with what was really making me feel. You know, I didn't want to wrestle with, why do you want to go do something? Why do you want to act out right now? Why do you want to go jerk off or smoke a cigarette or do something? Why are you not okay right now? And I didn't want to answer that question, why am I not okay? I didn't want to answer that.

Instead, I just wanted to find something else to do so that I could keep putting that question off. But now I'm at a point in my life where I choose to try and answer it. And I don't have the answer, but more shall be revealed, I find. The more efforts I, even if they're little efforts I make to treat myself better and to take care of myself, more is constantly revealed. Constantly. And I never thought that would be possible. But thank you for calling, Avery,

and good luck out there. And it does, it weakens you. You know, because I used to do this. I used to, I would meet a girl if I liked her. And then instead I would just, I would get scared to go meet up with her and just anxiety, I would jerk off. And the next thing you know, I would text her or call her and cancel the date. And then I would, I'd be so tired from jerking off or whatever, because I do big

jerks. I'd be so tired from doing those big jerks that I would be too exhausted to even go out or do anything. And so now I'm just alone by myself. And then that being alone starts to, you know, and I said this last week, I think it's like a moss. It's like a dark, it's like a moss that grows in the dark. The more you stay inside and the more you be alone, that grows on itself. This is real information. You can go look at this shit or you can just, if you're living this, you can ask yourself and you'll feel that it's true and i'm not accusing anybody or i mean but i've been there i spent probably eight years running in that same circle just not taking care of myself and then

feeling bad for not taking care of myself and back and forth just like it was an ocean like the tide would go in and the tide would go out, and I wouldn't take care of myself, and then I'd feel bad for not taking care of myself, and that was it, that was my life, but not anymore, boy, not anymore. All right, we're going to get into a couple calls here that, you know, we have the contest every month that we just started, this is our first month, where we give away one of those Correctional Center Blue This Past Weekend t-shirts. And I'll put one up tonight on the This Past Weekend Instagram.

And if you're not following that feed, you can follow it at thispastweekend underscore. I believe it is. And whoever calls in, you got to hit the hotline [phone]. And you have to leave a message.

It needs to be 60 seconds or less telling me about your weekend and why it was great or why it was horrible. Now, don't call in every week. Call in when you have a good one because we got a whole box of these Correctional Center blue shirts. We're going to send them out, and they gutter. They gutter. Dude, I wouldn't put an ugly baby in one of these things. But, you know, I wouldn't start a fucking fire with one of them. If I was going to kill myself in my garage by starting up a car

and putting something in the gas, in the tailpipe, I would use this shirt. But we're going to give one of them away. This is coming in on the end of the first month, and we got a couple of final contestants here that called in. Here we go. Hey, Theo, this is Max. I want to share my past weekend with you.

Thanks for calling, Max. And I have a nephew named Maximus, and he's a special kid. Onward. Me and three of my buddies, we did the magic mushrooms. Oh, boy. Y'all got that fungus in your freaking brain, man. Oh, tickle you. Tickle you.

Let's hear more. We were watching Finding Nemo. Damn, boy, this shit got homoerotic in a motherfucker, bro. You know? And maybe everything just gets gay to me, dude. Maybe I have something going on. On the PlayStation 3, the PlayStation 3 has a button on it that is called, like, repeat the scene button. So it repeats, like, like a five minute scene over and

over well i'm i'm tripping on the mushrooms i accidentally stepped on a remote hit the repeat scene button wow i can already see where this is going man but i want to hear you tell me so after you know about watching the same five minute scene probably 15 times we all are tripping and being like dude we just watched a two-hour movie probably you know like 15 20 times like you must have been down here for like two or three days so we all thought we were down there for days son watching finding emo we thought we stayed up for like literally three days straight watching finding emo that's heavy man and that sounds like honestly a place where a couple dudes would end up fucking to be honest with you and guys who don't usually fuck but would and i'm not

accusing you guys or saying anything but you know when you got three dudes why and suddenly you know people forget the movie's still going and the the next thing you know, it's two days later. And everybody comes up out of the basement. You know, somebody's going to be smelling like ass usually. But thank you for calling, man. And I'm glad you guys had fun on those mushrooms. But you got to get outdoors in the future. Unless you guys are in cold weather, somebody could die out there on mushrooms.

Because mushrooms will warm your body up. You think you're warm? And next thing you know, you die of whatever it is, emphysema or something from being in the snow. Thank you for calling, though, and that was an interesting weekend. Let's hear one more right here. Hey, Theo, this is Andrew from Deadwood, South Dakota. And a lot of people know what dead and wood mean separately, but Deadwood is a place where old cowboys used to get shot.

Anyway, they have a big party every St. Paddy's Day, and my brother came down from college. This past weekend, we went gambling, and we went partying and drinking, no drugging, but it was really good because I hadn't seen him in a while. Oh, that's nice. I'm glad you got to spend some time there with your sibling. More? We got out during the day. It was a beautiful day on Friday. And we went rock climbing.

Damn, y'all active. Y'all brotherhood is really active. My brother and I, we barely get over to the pizza hut. More? And then it snowed a ton on Saturday. Damn, and this shit's starting to lead to romance, too. You notice how a lot of these boys' things be leading to romance, boy. Let's hear more.

Thank you. I got to go up snowboarding, Deadwoods up in the mountains of South Dakota. And so it was a really good time, and I really enjoyed seeing my brother. My dog just died, and so I've been, you know, kind of lonely. I moved here by myself myself and so it was a really really special weekend just to kind of grow it up um and uh and see him so oh man I appreciate you calling and saying that dude that's nice I'm glad you and your brother got to spend some time together man um you know it's uh but it sounds like you made the most of it.

You know, and that's something I want to do more in my life is just, you know, I want to try and make the most of this time because I get caught in the same habits. You know, okay, well, let's just stay in and watch the tube or less, you know, I'll just eat the same thing. I'll just have the same macaronis. I'll just eat the same thing. I'll just have the same macaronis. I'll just get a pear and just cut this pear up and have another pear. But sometimes you've got to be adventurous. And you've got to get up early and you've got to make your life.

You've got to add spice to it. And you've got to add, I hate to say it, man, but you've got to go back to to say it man but you gotta go back to that romance you gotta go back to that romance you know you that's all like that's what it is you gotta add that romance to your life and it doesn't even have to be in a sensual way or in anything but you and your brother you decided to make your put some some type of a feeling in your day you know some type of an action some type of a you went your day. You know, some type of an action, some type of a, you went, you know, you guys went rock climbing, you went snowboarding. Jesus, man, if my brother and I went and did that, one of our fucking legs would fall off. But you made it, you know, you got active.

And that is, that's the kind of thing that'll keep us out of the dark arts, is staying active. Because otherwise, you out there like me and Avery out there in detroit jerking off and wondering you know how m&m just seems so different than he did 20 years ago i mean you just don't know it's wild man but you but you out there you're making your life you're adding romance to your life and i appreciate that andrew i appreciate you calling it sound like a great weekend you had so those are two weekends that came in and those will be uh those are contestants um and i already i know the winner

right here uh and i'm gonna play it for you right now you heard it before but here it is hey theo this is nate from massachusetts just calling to share the best weekend I had in a long, long time. I got to spend a beautiful, sunny, late winter Saturday out on the ice, fishing with my six-year-old son and both of his granddaddies. You know, by the time I was old enough to remember them, half my grandparents had passed on, and by then the other half maybe didn't have time to go out and spend a whole day out on the ice with a little youngster there you go and that's going to be it man there was more to that call but i'm going to shut it down there that's nate uh nate's going to get that uh blue correctional

center blue hitter and we'll send that to you nate we'll hit you up over text and thank you for that call man i'm glad you and your boys got to get out there on that frozen tundra because a lot of people when the the story is you hear when people go out onto the ice with senior citizens, it's like a lot of Italian shit. Somebody gets gunned down, it's mafioso style. So to know that you guys are in a family atmosphere out there enjoying one another's company, no big debts to pay off and nobody getting revenge or anything for a previous issue or some super Italian activity.

Beautiful. So, Nate, you got that Correctional Center blue header. We'll send that to you. Last week, on the last episode, I talked about going to therapy and struggling with whether or not I want to go to my therapist. Oh, I got to tell you this, too. My boy, last week we talked about he, he sent me these candles, you know, and I got them lit right in here, and these are root beer. And it's a nice man, dude.

It's the candle man, he said. He sent me this note, and I couldn't open them last week because the packaging was just too much stuff in there. I was going to get all over all the little shards of paper and just thing like that but he sent me these man and I'm going to put I'm going to put a link to them I just really appreciate it they're nice candles and candle make me relax man it's crazy if you're a big fire a big fire will make you get your laptop get your animal get out the house you know get your baby book or whatever and get it you know get a couple thing of animal, get out the house. You know, get your baby book or whatever and get a couple thing of jewelry and get out the house. But a little candle, a little fire make you feel comfortable. So really a lot of our comfort in life is based on how much fire is around.

I noticed that. But yeah, he has some beautiful candles right there. I'm going to put a link to them below. Joey Piemont, handmade upcycled container candles. And I'll put a link to his, he has an Epsi shot on a Facebook page, but it's a hangover candle and you can check them out at hangover candle. And they're nice. And I appreciate that nice gift, man. Helps me feel relaxed here in the new studio. Here we go. I go to therapy and I feel like not going. And I feel like not going. We talked about it last week or I did that. I just don't

get that thing. It's like you don't need to go. You don't need to go. This ain't helping you anymore. This ain't helping you anymore. We had this call that came in about some advice about therapy. Here we go. Hi, Theo Vaughn. Hi, so I've called you before, and I have some advice for you because I'm getting rid of my shrink right now. Okay, you're about to shrink out more.

It took me a while to decide to go see one, and once I did and found someone I really liked, drank out more. everybody's own journey but I do have some advice when you feel like you don't want to go there when you don't want to go see a therapist generally there's what I do I say I don't want to talk about it that's generally why I don't want to go fear okay and we got this call right here on that topic hi Theo Vaughn hi so I've called you before and I have some advice for you guys. When you feel like you don't want to go there, when you don't want to go see a therapist, generally, there's what I do. I say, I don't want to talk about it. That's generally why I don't want to go see her. Yeah, that's true. That's what I, um, yeah, I, I don't want to go. Well,

my, my brain will say, oh, you're too busy. You got too much going on. You don't have time. Those sorts of things will be some of the excuses that will come into my head. But let's hear more. And then I ask myself, what don't you want to talk about? And there is inevitably a huge list of shit I do not feel like talking about. And that is absolutely what I'm paying her to listen to. Amen. That's a good, that's a great little, you know,

for some that's a great little thing that could help you. You're thinking about not going to a therapist, you're thinking, why don't I want to go? What don't I want to talk about? I can answer for you. What don't I want to talk about with my therapist? I don't want to talk about that I don't like her sometimes. Sometimes she makes me feel uncomfortable. But it's such few moments that compared to the weight of the times that I've felt helped that it doesn't even compare. But that's one thing that could pop into my head and that will sometimes.

What else? I don't want to talk about that I'm afraid of commitment. I don't want to talk about the fact that I'm afraid to get married and have a family because I might ruin it. I don't want to talk about the fact that I feel sometimes that by living in Los Angeles,

that I'm letting my family down because they don't get to see me very much. And it's crazy because the same things that brought me out here sometimes in the beginning or made me want to chase some of these dreams I have was feeling like nobody, there was nothing holding me back because I didn't have any real family. And then now my family's changed so much over the years that now I feel that, you know, I'm, that now I'm, you know, letting them down by being here. You know, and I know some of that's not true, but it's still, you know, or just that I'm, you know, not taking advantage of what's most important.

So those are some things, yeah, maybe, you know, that I don't want to talk about. So why wouldn't I want to go? Because I wouldn't want to say those things. I wouldn't want to tell somebody that. I wouldn't want to tell somebody that that part of me is worried that I'll be alone forever. And not because somebody won't love me

or won't care about me, but because I won't let them. That I won't really do the work to let them. But thank you for your call. Let's hear another call or two that came in real quick. Here we go. Hey, yo. It's your boy, Roel from Houston, Texas.

Roel, thank you for calling. There's a thing off of YouTube from Jocko Willick. It's called Good. Jocko Willick, yes. Tell me more. There's an excerpt I like to read. And it says, uh, if you can say the word good, guess what?

It means you're still alive. It means you're still breathing. And if you're still breathing, well, then hell, you still got your fight left in you. So get up, dust off, reload, recalibrate, reengage, and go out on the attack. Hey, yo. Wow. I'm Boyer Ruel from Eason Tech. There you go. And he said right there that if you can say the word good, then you got some fight left in you.

You know, that's a nice moniker too to go by. And so you need to get out there and go out on the attack. And I do believe that we, if you want this world, if you want this shit, you got to stay on it. You got to, you have to stay on it. You have to have your plan and you got to work toward it. You got to move forward. And you can let yourself go here and there. You can let yourself down sometimes, but we need to have a plan long-term to keep ourselves up. And if you can't find it, then ask somebody who has one. It's amazing how much people are willing to help other people.

I will never, ever be surprised, uh, by, um surprised by the kindness in humans. Never be surprised, man. Like old Blanche, what's her name, said in A Streetcar Named Desire, I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers. And that's true for me as well. Thank you for calling, Raul. Here we go. This call came in.

This fellow looking for some suggestions and guidance. Here we go. Yo, what up, Theo? It's your boy Chris Jones in Atlanta. What's up, Chris Jones? And they had a boy when I grew up named Chris Jones, named Toby. His nickname was Toby. You know, like a piece of your foot, but different.

And he was always kind of a nice and wild kid who lived in my area. You know, he kind of had that, he had a little bit of danger in him. You know, he had that squirrel. He almost, he always had like a fucking, you know, kind of a squirrel living in his neck a little bit. He was ready to go, you know. More? I was calling. I was just thinking because I just had, my wife and I had our first son.

Congratulations, brother. Thank you. Hank Jones and had him on March 19th, which is your birthday. I know which Hank Jones and had him on March 19th, which is your birthday. I know that's my birthday, man. I appreciate it. I'm happy to share with your boy. And when I leave this, when I leave this earth, he'll probably still be around to carry it on. So I appreciate you sharing that more. Which is super awesome as far as I'm concerned. Had the same birthday as Theo Vaughn. Well, I'll tell you this.

We both have the same birthday as Dr. Seuss. And his name is Theodore Giesel. And he was born on March 19th. So I think that's somebody that's way more interesting. But that's pretty cool as well, as well as your boy, Moore. But anyway, my question is, before that, I had a daughter and a wife, and ever since we came home with the boy, now it's kind of even the penis to vagina ratio in the house. And there's been nothing outward.

But I feel that silently there's been a turning of the attitude on the female part. Well, yeah. Yeah, man, because they see they got more cocks in the in the kennel you know i'm saying if you cock up a kennel bruh you know then vegeta's gonna they gonna they gonna get wild they're gonna get get scared and that's normal man that's nature you know a lot of times we don't realize and i'm not saying you don't realize but a lot of times we don't realize, and I'm not saying you don't realize, but a lot of times we have to remember that nature's doing other things. We're just little pieces of nature. You know, we're just pawns and rooks, and we might think we're kings and queens,

but we're pawns and rooks. And Mother Nature have this bigger thing going on. Mother Nature could send a meteor, and it's a wrap, okay? I don't care how many instagram followers we got or how many new uh dodge caravans we own or are leasing it's a wrap and you know somebody was telling me the other the other day and this could just be hearsay i don't know but somebody was telling me that if there is a, that when, when things start to get kind of wild in the universe, that more women will be born when there's more stress

in an area or in a country that more females will be born. And that's, that's crazy, man, because it, you know, the world needs, knows that it needs more motherhood and more pacificity. And it needs more that ability to understand, I think, that is innately built into a woman or most women. Now, there's some American women out here that are trying to really test that shit, that are trying to go against Mother Nature. And I don't know how that's going to work sometimes in the end. But I think that there is, you think that Mother Nature has a plan. We've got to believe that, I think, and that's probably all that's going on you've got over there.

It's just like Father Time and Mother Nature just moving their rooks and pawns around, and they just added another little rook to your game set over there. Let's hear another call there, but I appreciate it. Oh, you had a question. Let me hear what the question is. And I'm wondering if you ever had any experience with that, the thing where, you know, the girls are outnumbered

and they put out a different vibe, but then once, you know, you kind of even up that pain to the gene, Ray. No, I've never. I don't know much about that. do i did hear though that if a lot of girls ride together on a bus or something for a long distance that they're all their periods will line up and they will do that you know kind of kind of sort of the same thing that icy mike was trying to put on you know they were trying to put that big, that big view-lation. You know, they're trying to, you know, put that big ovulation at one point. You know, there's that big outgoing tide all of a sudden at one point.

So I heard that if girls ride like a couple hours on a, I don't want to say a school bus or a greyhound. Yeah, not a school bus because we're talking about adults. But on a greyhound or on a bus, then they will all have the same period clock, period schedule. But thank you for calling, man. I wish I knew more. Here we go, Pat. Theo, what's up? My name's Pat.

I'm from Cleveland. I'm 34. I started listening to this past weekend probably four weeks ago. I listened to all of them, and now I'm listening to Allegedly, so pretty big fan. Thank you, Pat. And John Huertes from This Is Us is on the Allegedly episode that's on right now. I'll put up a picture of that on my Instagram to remind people. Thank you for calling, Pat. You sound down in the dumps, brozy. What's up? I got a question. I'm a painter. I got a couple of kids and a wife, and it's been pretty rough the past, I'd say, two months.

I just bought a house, and it might have been a little out of reach for me. I just had to borrow money from my father. Anyways, I really freaking hate my job. So it sounds like you definitely have some new stress going on, man. I'm sorry to hear that. You know, I know that's a big, that's a scary moment when you get something new and you have that new lease milling about. You got the family too. That is a fixed cost at this point because you can't, I mean, that's a fixed cost emotionally and fiscally because you can't adjust that. You had to borrow some money for

your father i'm sure that that can be i don't know y'all's relationship but that can it might come with some extra feelings of uh weakness or inferiority that may accompany that move depending upon your relationship with your dad onward and like i said i'm 34 and i'm not sure uh what i even want to do and how to go back to college even, or even if I'm smart enough or whatever. I know I sound like a bitch right now, but... That's okay, man. We all bitches, bro. More? Just looking for any advice on kind of just trying to start over

and be able to, you know, support my family at the same time. Well, you know, I don't have a lot of suggestions in that world, and some other people might, you know, and they can hit the hotline, 985-664-9503, about starting over and about switching moves. And, you know, I think a little bit, you're going to maybe hate to hear this, but it sounds like, and I don't even know if I could do it,

but it sounds like, you know, I mean, you got to man up. You got to man up. You know, yeah, you could. I mean, you certainly look, you could take some classes and try to ease into school, try a night course or try a, you know, try a class here and there. You can do that. You know, that's highly, that's highly plausible. But I mean, first and foremost, you know, you have to make sure you have income coming in. You know, you have to create a schedule where you're going to be paying

your stepdad back even if, or your father back, even if it's, you know, a little bit or whatever you're, you know, you got to, you want to stick to that schedule so that that doesn't get weird. You know, you want to keep that family schedule so that that doesn't get weird. You want to keep that family thing in line at first. And then if you can add another log to the fire to see if you can start to burn in a new direction, then you can do that. I mean, it's going to take some extra. I hate to say it, man, because you don't want to hear it.

But it's going to take some extra work. But in the meantime, look, I commend you. You know, like I'm 37, dude. I don't have a family, you know. I mean, you tell me, you know, you got a family. That makes me feel envious. You know, you come home and you got people, you know, you got something with little arms that runs up to you that's not a gremlin

and it wants to hug you. And that, to me, that's beautiful. So you have some really cool gifts, it seems like. You know, you get to paint, man. You get to paint. I don't know if you're Dan Picasso or you're fucking Petey's Paint Service. I don't know if you're Dan Picasso or you're fucking Petey's Paint Service. I don't know which one you are.

But, you know, I love my job. People say that all the time, but it is a job. In the end, this is a job, man. I mean, podcasting has been something different. This is different. But going to comedy, it's a job. It was great when I started, and it's still a lot of fun. And there's a lot of times where I really enjoy it.

But you still have to get up and go there. You still have to fly to Nevada or wherever, or a different state, some other place. And you've got to do it. You've still got to do your job. I still have to do that. So work is work. It is what it is. You know, in a few

years, your industry might change and you don't know what the next thing is. You know, if you, you never know whose house you might be painting one day and then they bring you, they notice your work ethic or your attitude and they bring you into the fold with something amazing that they're doing. I'm going to tell you this, man. I, uh, when I've been doing comedy about eight years I was real scared and I was kind of in love with this girl in Louisiana and so I went back there for about six months and I had to get a job and I got a job at a taco place this place was making kind of decent tacos you know medium meat not upscale know, not them upscale hitters, but medium hitters. And I had to bartend.

I was bartending. I never bartended anything. But they had a smoothie machine that sold, that had alcoholic smoothies, margaritas. That's what they were. And I would just make those and slang these, you know, tacos to people. And one night I'm sitting there, I'm washing glasses. just make those and slang these tacos to people. And one night I'm sitting there, I'm washing glasses, and I was, at the same time, at the same time,

I had comedy that was on Comedy Central that had just popped off. But that wasn't paying my bills, that wasn't taking care of me. So here I was back in Louisiana, and I'm renting a house with my sister, and they got strippers coming over and stealing the vacuums and shit. And we, and I'm out here and there's a man sitting there one night and he starts telling me about this piece of property. And next thing you know, man's fast forward four months. I owned one of the hottest pieces

of property in Louisiana. Now I got into a weird scenario with some friends and, in Louisiana. Now I got into a weird scenario with some friends and, you know, I didn't really make the best choices. And, you know, it was, you know, you shouldn't do business with friends sometimes. And I lost the property, right? And, but I, dude, by being there and sitting there and washing those glasses and showing up to work and just taking on some humility. Dude, I'm sitting there. I was on television, which I know it doesn't mean anything to a lot of people, and that's fine. But to be sitting there, you're on TV, and you're washing people's glasses and shit, that's life. That's fucking life.

And to be able to do that, and then that's life. That's fucking life. You know, and to be able to do that and then that's when something beautiful can come along. You know, and I still have to remind myself of that all the time is that, you know, if every day I got to find some way to humble myself and to just to do my job. But yeah, man, you know, if you show up and you, you know, it's only your perspective and you're in a tough spot, you got a lot going on. So I would just take care of yourself right now. I would make sure you get some rest when you can. I would make sure you're eating. I would make sure you're doing something athletic a little bit, even if it's trying to do a little jog or something to keep your blood flowing and

keep your, your, your spirit happy and keep your heart healthy. And, and if you can try to just adjust your perspective then maybe what you have going on right now might be everything you want because to me dude honestly in some ways you sound like a rich dude you know what I used to love to sweep the porch man

when I was growing up man I hated where we lived you know I hated I hated where we lived. I hated feeling poor. I hated all the shame that I felt every day when I woke up. But one thing I loved to do was sweep the porch. Because when that thing was done, boy, that thing was done. And I worked on a farmhouse over there in Natchez, Mississippi, outside of there near Vidalia, over near off of the levee.

And I used to, and then they let me paint the farmhouse one summer. And man, I felt achievement. So, you know, we all have a little things and maybe, you know, you won't paint forever. But right now, try and just, you know, if you show up to paint and you're fired up about it, the brush is going to be lighter. The color is going to be brighter. You know, and when somebody, you know, you never know who you're going to pass across. Things change a lot. And change can be waiting for you.

But you got to put yourself in a position. You know, you might not have to take that class. You might not have to go back to school. You know, or you might. But, you know, you get a have to take that class. You might not have to go back to school, you know, or you might. But, you know, you get a little bit lighter in your brain. I bet that you are going to get, you're going to have more room inside of yourself for clarity for what could best occur. And, of course, I do not know, man. I don't know anything.

But that's something that I would maybe try, you know. All right. One more thing here and then we'll be done, man. Here we go. What up, Dale? This is Jesse from NASS, man. I'm just calling to remind you, son. You said you were going to drop a new clip on the YouTube channel when you hit that 30,000 subscribers.

And you're about 31 now. So, you know, you owe the gang a clip, son. You're right, Jesse. I do. And you know what? I tried to record it over there in Tacoma and I got a look at the tapes. I haven't had an opportunity yet,

but I promised YouTube followers when we got to 30,000 that I will put the clip up. And Jesse, I appreciate you holding me accountable to that. And I will do it. If the clip is good, because I do want to put it up in a format where it best serves the material. So I'm going to try to get that up.

If the tapes that I got over there in Tacoma were good, then I will get this up. And if not, then I will get it up really, really soon. I appreciate that call, Jesse. As always, you know, you can hit the hot hotline [phone] if you have any thoughts or suggestions or anything like that you know this this this show is going to change all the time you know we don't know what it is sometimes and we're still figuring it out and I'm hoping to have a guest coming up soon. And what else? Oh, that's an email. On the way out, man, I'm going to play this again.

This is by Jameson Flood and I appreciate you guys being here with me tonight. Take care of yourselves. We may have a Thursday episode. It depends. Trying to get this guest in. If not, I know you guys have Easter. This is Easter week.

You know, heading into Good Friday. pins, trying to get this guest in. If not, I know you guys have Easter. This is Easter week, you know, heading into Good Friday. And, you know, try and celebrate. Try and, you know, life can be heavy sometimes, but we have the option of how much we want to feel the weight. You know, sometimes we have a little bit of room there where we can just not feel it so much. You know? But find some romanticism in your life this week. Whether you got to tell yourself you love you,

whether you got to tell your higher power that you love them, you know, whether you got to hug a kid or fucking, whether you got to paint, you know, less fuck on the side of somebody's house. Whatever you got to do, like my boy Pat out there. But thank you guys for your support. Let's keep keep it romantic. Let's keep it romantic.

And I'll see you guys either Thursday or I'll see you next Monday. You guys be good to yourselves. This is Jameson Flood with Every Night. Every night I lie Every night I lie awake Every night I feel like a fake I put on a show Knowing nobody will go Every night you sleep Every night I don't play your piece

Steal your things that you know But you still don't know me That it was me Yeah, it was me alone Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.

And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.