This Past Weekend - Birth Sensations | This Past Weekend #81

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

Birthdays and Funeral Beetlejuice. People gettin really Irish. Krav Maga kiddos. Tacoma/Spokane weekend. Calls from here and abroad. Subscribe to youtube channel: goo.gl/3zEJRV Check out Starflow: https://starflow.com Hotline: [phone] Tour Dates: https://www.theovon.com/tour Sponsor: https://www.greyblockpizza.com Intro Song: Tiny Sandhu 'Boneyard' (cover) Outtro Song: Celbrate by Spencer Jacob Grau https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRfasFYePJo Theo Von: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ Thank you, Guntfunkel and Oates: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Steve Corlew Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glass Peter Shea Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Ken Melvin David Smith Lorell Loretta Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey Roberts NoodlesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach. You know where it is. Stop in. Get that hitter. This episode is brought to you by Starflow.com. Starflow, the location for fans trying to link up and get closer to their favorite celebrities. Think about a celebrity. Anybody. Could be Andre Agassi. Could be Alfonso Riviero. Anyone. Starflow is a safer ecosystem where your information will not be sold on the black market or markets available to any ethnicity. It provides a hub for consumers to access their favorite talents and celebrities and exclusive content in seconds. Think about seconds. There's a couple of them right there.

You could be on Starflow, accessing celebs. It's available in the App Store or at starflow.com. Starflow stays out of the sell your information secondary market. That's a dirty territory. It's a safe place where algorithms and sneaky pixels that secretly use your own searches and information to sell you stuff aren't allowed. your own searches and information to sell you stuff aren't allowed. It's built for fans as an aggregator for Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube so they can get to one place and use the in-app purchase of tokens to get exclusive content and experiences. The big fish are trying to eat all the minnows out there. Soon they're going to keep certain types of entertainment off of certain

websites, but not Starflow. Starflow is that gangsta gang of minnows that are creating a wave. So let the grunion run down your tongue and get that hitter. Check out Starflow.com and see what safe consumerism of your favorite celebrity content looks like. Man, today's my birthday, man. So I'm excited to be here and I'm excited to spend it with you guys. And I got this beautiful hit that came in from my boy, Tiny Sand Who. Let's go. That's Tiny out there licking. Man, he licking, he licking them strings. He's a dirty man. He's a dirty man.

That's a Boneyard cover by Mr. Tiny Sandhu. And some people, if you are new to this past weekend, you don't know that Tiny Sandhu is a, he's just a figure. He hit me up on the email and he's sending these wild riffs. And that's one of his dirty pieces right there. That's Tiny Sandhu busting something naughty for everybody. Everybody that's a decent person. And you know what, man? That's not enough for me, man. Today's my birthday. I want this, man. I want to catch this hit too. Let's go. There you go, huh? Sending them choppers, boy, because we got people in the water. Hug your hamster tight.

Hug your cousin, boy. If they cute, fucking touch their ass a little. This is America. What's up you little Christmas tampons? How you guys living, huh? You been drinking your own bath water, huh? You've been saving food in your teeth overnight and eating it in the morning. You ever do that? Have that little rise and shine snack hiding behind one of your molars. You bust that little hoe out, throw it down your gullet. Oh, that's savage. That's a savage way to

start your day. I'm happy to be here today with you guys. I'm grateful to be here today with you guys. Today is my birthday, and I am 38 years old. I'm 38. I'm coming in 38 hot years. You know, I want to thank my mother. I want to thank, you know, my father, a 70-year-old man. Think about that, a 70-year-old man busted a strong one, boy. You know, my father was born in 1910. My grandfather was born in 1880. So, you know, I'm coming out of those wagon wheel genetics. You know, I'm coming back from the, you know, the days when children used to play with wooden dolls.

And sometimes if a tooth fell out of their mouth and they put it under their pillow, somebody else in the family would steal it and try to install it into their mouth. I come from them type of times. And that's just some of what's in my DNA, some history. And I am just grateful, man. I'm grateful that that bust happened. You know, because I'm a product of a nut. That's all we are.

I mean, we're a product of a sensation. Isn't that interesting to think? You know, sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I forget that I'm the part, that I am a sensation happened of just a, and that's how, and then I began. And we all began off of a sensation, you know, and that's one of the things that I'm learning more and more that keeps me alive is, is, is finding feelings that are good. Because a lot of my life I spent just swimming in these circles of dirty water,

you know, of ill feelings and just, you know, it's like when you, it's like when you just, speaking of bath water, it's like when you stay in your own bath water too long. You know, sometimes if you lay in the tub and you soak, it feels good. But after about 45 minutes, dude, you don't even realize you might have, you know, busted a quart of urine in there. Who knows? Your hair is just all just oil on the top and you still sitting in there.

And that's where I spent a lot of my life. Just wasting my time, you know. But now I'm looking to live on the same level of where I was created. Searching for sensation. I want to feel something. You know, I want to feel something. And a long time in my life, I did not want to do that. But today, man, I'm here to feel.

I'm going to take another little stab at this. That's that Boneyard by Tiny. I'm going to switch it on you. This one just gets me today. That's that hitter. I don't even know who made that for me. I can't remember. I'll have to go back and check, and I'm sorry to not cite them. I think it could have been Brad Levine. It could have been Jesse Lucero. I'm not sure, but it's a sweet beat, and I appreciate it.

And I consider that a gift for my birthday, and thank you very much. Happy birthday to you if it's your birthday out there, you know, or happy day to you, whatever it is. Today is the day that we have. You know, today is the day that we have. We're going to make the most out of it. You know, all these Irish, I'm sure a lot of Irish people are recovering. You guys had that St. Patrick's Day.

And I spent, I just got back from Tacoma and Spokane up there in Washington in that Pacific Northwest. And, you know, I really liked those areas, especially, I mean, Tacoma I've been to before. People came out. We sold out the shows. You know, this is like the first time, you know, in my career that I feel like I've had, you know, and I don't want to say fans, but I feel like I've just had, you know, a lot of love coming out, you know, and no, no bullshit in the audience, no people, you know, ruining the show or being too selfish or, you know, we're just there and we're having a good time. And, um, and man, I just felt so accepted.

And I want to thank everybody over there in Tacoma. You know, Tacoma, it's out there on the, it's that, you know, it's that sixth finger of Seattle. And it just, Seattle tries to hide it off in the suburbs, like it's not a real place, but Tacoma's out there. You know, Tacoma, you can go over there. And they got, they call it the Tacoma aroma in the air. Because somebody, they said in the distance, they're having like a, they're built, you know, making stacks of paper. They got a paper mill or people are burning shit or whatever. I don't know. But they got that scent in the air. But I like that. Come over here to Tacoma, get a hit, get a whiff off of that. Off of that universe. People over there in Seattle, y'all petting salmon and doing all of this shit.

You know, and hiding granola and putting, you know, whale tears, suppositories in the baby's asses. And doing all this futuristic, you know, lifestyle stuff. futuristic, you know, lifestyle stuff. You know, wrapping your cousin in kale and hiding them in a fucking sand pit or something for a couple hours. So that their skin will look nice. You go to Tacoma, boy, anything will happen. I was leaving the comedy club. There was some drunk lady.

She ran into a truck, right? Walking. Then she fucking started fist fighting. She started fist fighting a dang Dodge Ram. So that's what's going on. Real shit over there in Tacoma. And I got out there to Spokane and Spokane, it's almost like, it's like the Midwest and the Northwest. If you've been to Peoria, Illinois or somewhere like that, you know, or a place where you just feel a little bit of Americana, it's right there in Spokane. And I had a great time and I want to thank those people for coming out. Thank you so much.

And it was St. Paddy's Day over there in Spokane. I'm going to say this. You know, St. Paddy's Day, if you want to, it's like the one day a year as a man, if you aren't gay, that you could be gay. I've never seen so many dudes, and I think I talked about this last St. Patrick's Day, kissing each other just because they got a green shirt on. It's like, oh, hey, you know, like men just drink all that day drink and make you kiss another man. And everybody's saying no, but everybody's thinking, well, maybe. And especially St. Patrick's Day, everybody got a shirt, kiss me, I'm Irish.

20 men, 10 pairs of two men, 40 lips, just hit each other head on. That head-on collision of lips. And they were just all in the name of Ireland, I guess. And alcoholism. People wearing kilts, men wearing skirts, showing up wearing beads and skirts, kissing other men. Because everybody's Irish all of a sudden. You know, and so that's the gateway. I mean, that's if you want to be gay, you know, how Irish do you want to get?

You want to duck off over here behind this Subaru and fucking touch each other's warm kneecaps? How Irish you want to get? Because I saw some adult men with families getting real Irish. You know, I'm talking about behind the Shoney's kind of Irish. Because when I was young, they would have a lot of straight men would meet up behind the Shoney's and, you know, jerk each other off and do stuff like that and then go back to their families. Because when I was young, you couldn't just, you know, it wasn't as people who were gay couldn't openly be gay. And, you know, I think about that struggle sometimes or what that, could you imagine

being something and not being able to be it? That's, I mean, it's just, I couldn't imagine what that, you know, that pain of that. But then there was probably for a lot of gay men, there was that one day, oh, here it comes. Put it on the calendar. March 17th. When all I got to do is put on a green shirt and I can gay the fuck out without any judgment. Now then look, man, I saw it in Tacoma. You think they are in Spokane. You think these men out there, they hard heads and they living like this and that.

They got three and four children. But they see they suddenly they see another man who's looking hell Irish. And all of a sudden I saw these two men just kiss face to face and they could have been family. That's another thing. You got a hot cousin. You think your stepdaddy's cute. It's March 17th. I can slide him a note. Check yes or no, Papa. You know, that's the day. It should just be the day where anything goes. That's what they should start

calling it. Let's get Irish. You know what I'm saying? If you're a lady and you want to touch somebody up in the vulva, do your thing. Do that digit dance. Get your carpals out. Get your carpals out. Get your carpals out and go through that brief filing cabinet.

Do a little bit of vajiling. You know what I'm saying, boy? They only got two folders in that cabinet. Boo, boo. But people are getting hella Irish, man. And, you know, it's a joyous day. And that's one thing, you know, I don't drink right now in my life and that's one thing I miss

I do miss some day drinking because anything could happen when you're day drinking somebody jerk you off in a truck you jerk yourself off somewhere it's daytime it's like the wolves are out it's almost like a full moon

but all day long. And that's what St. Paddy's was for me. That's what St. Paddy's was for me, man. It was fun. Eating chowder and drinking beer and people puking. Adults crying. Man, I saw this one lady. She was probably 37.

Just, you know when you're crying so much? And she was trying to eat some, what did she have? A bag of, um, what are those chips? Those, um, they are like these little hats, these chips that look like little bitty hats. Like you could put them on your finger and make five little hats. Or if they had a gnome and he was wearing like a little corn hat, you know, or a dunce, you know, like if someone, if they used to have these dunce hats, they were real tall V-neck looking hats, upside down V's, you know, hats. And if you were like a dunce, they would make you wear this dunce hat. But these little, what are they called? Bugles, bugles chips.

And this lady had a sack of bugles. And I don't know if you ever had these bugles chips, but they absorb all the moisture in your mouth. So they dry you out. And this lady, boy, she was on some, I mean, she was making salt water. She was making salt water up there. She was just salinating out of her face just just wasted and crying and that's something i love to see on saint pat i mean i don't want to you know i don't want that lady to have this pain or whatever she's going through but it's alcohol induced you know

she had on that big pink lipstick and all these different necklaces you know kiss me i'm irish fuck me i'm irish you know uh help me raise my kids I'm Irish I mean she was getting out there extensively with some of her ideas you know based on the on the country on this on this little island of Britain or Ireland I don't know if it's an island I don't know Ireland island I could easily see somebody get confused and think they live in Jamaica, but everybody's white, you know? But yeah, this lady was bursting. She was just crying, just drunk crying and trying to eat these bugles at the same time. I mean, at one point, I swear she was kind of dipping the bugles in her tears so she

would have enough moisture to get them bugles down her, you know, down her gullet. To gullet them bugles. And that was, you know, that's Spokane, baby. People set it off and people came out. We had a great time, man. We had a great time over there in Spokane. But yeah, if you, I think I, you know, we should just say St. Paddy's day is the one day where if you're trying to bust a nut on somebody that's got the same genitalia as you, then you gone. Because to me, it gets more and more. It's not really green. It's more,

a little more, it's got a little more rainbow in it. And you, you would see a lot of gay men. I remember last year in New Orleans, I was doing St. Patrick's Day down there with two of my good buddies, and you would see a lot of gay men out there trying to dress real straight, wearing Beavis and Butthead t-shirts or wearinglenecks, you know, not looking real gay or wearing like kind of gay attire. And I know that, you know, that's kind of a generalization. I'm not trying to say gay people look one way or whatever, but you know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know, if you had, if you had, if you put a tracker on all the turtlenecks in America, most of them would end up on probably most of those trackers would lead you to the homes of gay men or Italians probably, you know, or male librarians. So I'm just, I'm playing the odds here.

But they had a lot of, you know, you'd see a lot of these men trying to look real straight, you know, wearing like NASCAR t-shirts and shit, but also with the Irish beads. I'm Irish. Just trying to freaking lock, just trying to lock lips with some straight men who were out there letting their feelings loose. You know, and that's how it happens. Next thing you know, boy, next thing you know, your leg hair is all tangled up with another man's leg hair.

And that's the bit, you know, like, you know, I've never felt an attraction to men, you know, sensually, you know, I have felt an attraction to men in the sense that I wanted more of a brotherhood in my life and I wanted to have more male friends, but I never felt that sensual attraction. And I think it's just like, because when I think about laying in bed with another man, the sex part, I mean, you know what I'm saying? You could wear a blindfold or, you know, put on like some rodeo music. I mean, you could do some things maybe to get through some of the sexualness, but then to lay there and feel your leg hair tangle up with another man's leg hair. Dude, that's when I'm out.

That ain't the, you know, that's when I know that for me at this point in my life, that's not the road I'm looking to get down. You know, because what if you have real strong leg hair and your legs get locked up next to each other and your hair, just leg hair is all tangled up. You know, that's, that know, that's something out there. That's real Irish. That's Irish. You know, that is Irish. But I'm happy to be here with you guys, man. We had some nice people that came out in both of those cities.

This was a call that came from Tacoma. I'm just going to play it. I'm going to keep going with things that are going on in my head. I just want to include other people in this pod today. Here we go. Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Jacob from Washington. Me and my girlfriend, we came out in Tacoma on Friday at 8.

And, man, I just want to say we had a great time, dude. Thanks for coming out, Jacob, and thanks for bringing your lady. You know, I did see a lot of couples that came out and a lot of couples that listened to the podcast together. And that's pretty cool. You know, like, I mean, I don't know. I think that's a special thing. You know, there's something special when you have somebody that you care about and you just do things together. Whether it's a podcast or, you know, whether you, you know, split them. You got a little bit of milk left in a jug

and maybe you pour a little bit more in your girl's bowl when you cut yours with water. So you got that lean milk in yours. And it doesn't even look like milk. It looks a little squirrely. It looks like something that might have came out of a fucking weak ferret or something. And you sit there and you eat cereal together

or you consume a podcast together. There's something special. And I saw a lot of couples. I see a lot of couples and I'm grateful for that. I appreciate it. Let's hear more, Jacob. You were so fucking funny. I drove home just stomach hurting from laughing so much, man. Thanks, man. I appreciate it, man.

We had some good times, dude. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, man, I don't know if you noticed there was a pregnant lady there and you made a joke about waiting for hot dogs instead of saving a baby. Dude, she was laughing so hard.

I thought she was about to give birth right there, man. I thought you were going to do some premature childbirth and that was wild. Wow, so they had a pregnant lady out there, he said. And thanks, man. I didn't see her. You know, usually childbirth and that was wild. Wow. So they had a pregnant lady out there, he said. And thanks, man. I didn't see her.

You know, and usually I spot them, boy. You know what I'm saying? I used to do a little whale watching. That's what I call it. And usually, yeah, if you see that pregnant lady out there, you know what, I'm not saying pregnant women is whales. You know, I ain't saying, but I'm saying that they caught that Moby Dick at one point. And now they gestating.

And now they hiding little humans. Now they playing that hide and go, that hide and go seek game. But they got to count for nine months before they find that little motherfucker between their legs. And I didn't see that. But that would be amazing. You know, if somebody, you know, you hit them with that right joke and then they squirrel out. You know, they squirrel out and next thing you know, they got to buy another ticket because they got one more person sitting at their table. I did speak, you know, I mean, this is already, damn, dude, a lot of these episodes get a little bit gay, bro.

But you know what? That's life. Sometimes life gets gay. Sometimes life gets gay. You know, I got hit by two gay men one time, and they hit me in a car. And you want to talk about things just being straight, suddenly I'm in my world, chilling, riding, you know, maybe listening to some Alice in Chains or some TLC or something when everybody was alive. And then suddenly, bang, bang. And now these two dudes were outside of the car, man.

And they, bro, if I had a dollar for every time these two gentlemen touched me on the shoulder to ask me if I was okay. Bro, I have about probably $16. But what I was getting at was one time I told a joke and some guy, you know, bless his heart. He laughed so hard. He just came out of the closet in front of his buddies. He was just like, I'm gay. And his boys are like, what the fuck, Anthony? Dude, have another drink, you know. This ain't St. Patrick's Day.

But thank you for calling, Jacob from Tacoma. We have one more call that came from Spokane from somebody in the audience. And these are nice, man. I appreciate this. These were just people that hit up the hotline. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Natasha from Spokane.

I brought a bunch of friends out to the show tonight. For a lot of them, it was the first exposure to your comedy, and we all had an absolute blast. So thank you for coming out. I can't imagine that a rainy St. Patrick's Day is the best first impression of the city. But I hope you felt welcome, and let's have you back soon. Thanks, Natasha. That was really sweet of you. You know, and I'm keeping things sweet.

On my birthday, I'm keeping things sweet. You know, I got a, you know, I know last episode I got a little bit down in the dumps about, you know, some of my career and stuff like that and where things are and what's going on in this industry. And, you know, I just, I kind of was just, you know, I was kind of just, it was just self-pity really, you know, it was just self-pity because all I can do really is, you know, and I got an email from Burlesque. I got a friend that does Burlesque down there in New Orleans. And you can follow him, I think, on Instagram.

It's called Bust Out Burlesque. And they, you know, and she hit me up and she said, look, you know, things are going on. That's what's going on. But you just got to do your shit. You know, you got to do your shit. And I appreciated that. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that. You know, I needed to hear that if I don't stay positive, then my environment isn't positive. You know, I can't keep things classy around me if I'm not trying to show up classy. We're going to have our moments where, you know, we can't do it every day. But if five out of seven days I can do it, then I win that week.

And I appreciated that message. But Natasha, back to your call, I had a great time. You know, I have a great time in places where, because it felt, you know, Spokane feels like a real place. You know, right when I get there, I went for a walk just to, you know, catch the vibe, see what was going on. You know, we went over to a park and they had a huge, the biggest red wagon, this radio flyer wagon was up. Somebody put it up there and they put it in a park and it's huge. It was one of the neatest things I've ever seen for children. And they, you know, and the kids can climb up the back and I'm talking, this thing's 20 feet off the ground, maybe 18 feet off the ground. It's 20 feet. It's big. This thing is huge. I put it

on my Instagram. It's huge. It was, it was, it was the most unique thing I'd ever seen in a park for children. And then the handle of this big radio flyer wagon, the handle of it is the slide. So kids are just sliding down that thing. And I noticed right when I got there, a couple of kids, this one kid, he probably was,

I mean, this kid couldn't have been, but about 17 months old, he fucking hit that slide himself. And he just busted right off in. I mean, he skipped off the, off the end of it,

just skipped across the dirt, like a rock. And it was probably about six seconds before a family member came and picked him up. And you know what I thought to myself? I fucking love this town. Because that's where I'm from. I'm not from where somebody, you know, you sit in there and they got nine family members. Everybody wearing Patagonia and everybody wearing, you know, specialty perfumes and colognes.

And your daddy smells like France every day. And everybody's catching you at the bottom of the slide. I'm from that place where you get to the bottom of the slide. That's when you find out who's at the bottom of the slide. That's when you find out what your local earth tastes like. When you get ahead of that nature, boy. when you find out what your local earth tastes like, when you get ahead of that nature, boy.

And this 17-month-old man, this little dude, he looked fucking German, bro. He had good posture, but he popped off that thing and skipped off the ground about six times. Just like a little rock, you know? Just like a little white, you know, just like a little white, you know, Eastern, just like a little white European rock. He just skipped across that dirt. And I said, I love this place.

There was people out there smoking cigarettes with no children, obviously probably pedophiles, people filing out there, looking around. Because once you got up into the wagon, it was a huge wagon up top. It was like 50, 60 feet by like 20 feet where there's just, it looked like there's about 60 kids up there and some adults. And they had this one man, no children. You know what I'm saying? Not a cool look.

You know what I'm saying? If you want to get lonely, get lonely around adults. That's one of my rules and that's one of the rules here on this past weekend. We don't get lonely around children because it's not fair to them. That's when shit things happen. You know? So I didn't mean to say that kind of stuff, but that's what's going on. What else, man?

What else happened this weekend? You know, I went out there. I had a good time. It's my birthday. You know, last week, this week I was talking on stage actually about, you know, my father. I talked about it last week, the first funeral I ever went to. And it was, you know, it was really, really sad, you know. And then the more I got to thinking about it, I remember when I was really young, though, I had gone to another, a service

in our town. And I guess, you know, I don't know if at the time I realized it was a funeral. I was too young to know what was going on. And I was probably seven or something. And my father, my mother was out of town. You know, my mother would do, would, you know, travel and do deliveries and stuff regionally. So, you know, she would have to get out and do, you know, deliveries. She worked for, you know, she delivered newspapers and magazines. She delivered, you know, things to gas stations, anything that would sell at a gas station, anything from a light, non-food items. So anything from a lighter to, you know,

sometimes they would have like birthday cards and stuff in there. Little, you know, those little fart maker things, any type of weird shit, man. My mother was running it around, you know, and, you know, and I, sorry, I just, yeah, it's just, you know, that's wild, you know, to think, man, getting caught up here, my, you know, it's wild to think that my mom would do that, you know, to take care of us, you know, that

she's driving all around, you know, just all around everywhere, just delivering bullshit, you know, to, to provide for her kids, you know. Sorry, I think it's just because, you know, it's my birthday. I don't mean to keep saying that, but I think it's just got me, you know, thinking about what I'm doing here on earth and, you know, that I wouldn't be here without my parents. You know, you don't get here. That's how you get here. And it just hit me right there, thinking that my mother, you know, having to leave her kids to just drive around a bunch of inanimate objects to make money. So, you know, even though we've had some tough times in my life,

I'm grateful for that. What was I talking about? We were talking about, oh, so my mother would be out of town and that means my father would have to take care of us. And my mom didn't, she wouldn't let, we weren't getting a sitter when my dad was alive. We didn't get a sitter. Because my mom felt, fuck, I don't care if you're 77 years old. You got to take care of these fucking children. These are your children. You know, and she would put it on him. So I remember something happened at school.

A young kid, a young kid passed away or maybe his brother, something happened. And we, and our class went to this, went to a service, a young kid passed away or maybe his brother, something happened. And we, and our class went to this, went to a service, a funeral service. And my dad had to get me a suit. He had to get me a suit. It was his responsibility. And I didn't have a suit. You know, I didn't have a suit. And so my dad, I mean, this is the same dad. I mean, I remember for Halloween when you're here, you're supposed to get my brother and I costumes, and he got us both Raggedy Ann. Ann. Both of us.

So he just couldn't see that well. You know, he couldn't turn his neck. I mean, this man was 77. And this was 77, 25 years, you know, 31 years ago. This wasn't 77 now. 77 now, you got these dudes, you know, you know, you got these dudes shooting jumpers and, you know, working on power lines and

you know, you got 77-year-olds that are, you know, they're doing stunts and doing backflips in the park and, you know, raping people. You got crazy 77-year-olds out there, you know, fucking buying swords and shit. You got real 77-year-olds out there fucking buying swords and shit. You got real 77-year-olds out there now.

But then 77, it was a little bit more like about 83. And even though my father busted nuts, obviously it was pretty late because that's how I got here. And I don't mean to be too graphic, but that's how I got here. Obviously, it was pretty late because that's how I got here. And I don't mean to be too graphic, but that's how I got here. You know, to think that he, you know, at 77, he was super crafty.

He wasn't anyway. So he got me a suit, right? But the suit was, it was a costume. I guess he got it from like Spencer's Gifts. And this was a store back in the day where they just sold you know kind of cool fun stuff for kids and adults like weird shit you know some like sexual and some like just like crystal balls and like you know those magic eight balls and all kinds of fucking you know uh fart rocks and danger taffy and just shit like that. Like you would chew it and it would turn your whole mouth blue or something

or give you a cousin AIDS or some kind of shit. But they had this. He got this suit, and I guess it was in the window or something, and it was a Beetlejuice costume. Remember that movie? So I didn't know any better. You know, my dad said, we got the suit, you go into the thing. So I am at the service in a Beetlejuice costume. and I got fucking cobwebs on my shit.

You know, and it wasn't even like a real suit. It was like a costume. It was just like a costume. And I just remember feeling like I didn't know what the fuck was going on in the world. You know, everybody else out there, you know, they're mourning this local boy that had gone on. And here I am out here fucking repping Beetlejuice and looking like a damn, I don't know.

I don't know. But so that was just, you know, that's what it was like. But that's who brought me into the world. You know, a woman who was traveling around and dropping newspapers off to gas stations. And a man who brought me a Beetlejuice outfit so I could look professional at a funeral. And knowing my dad, he thought it was a suit. He probably, you know, he's cheap. He probably thought, oh, here, I got a $14 suit.

Let's put the boy in it. But that's life, man. That's life. I'm trying to think of a fun birthday that I had. I'm trying to think of a real fun one that I had. Oh, I remember this one. So a few years ago, I, uh, this is about 10 years ago, nine years ago. I don't know. this is about 10 years ago, nine years ago, I don't know. I met up with this older lady. And this older lady was,

she had one of them, you know, they basically, these magical crotches that'll, I mean, she could, you ever seen like a clown costume where they squirt you with that water thing? Where like, you know, you touch their pocket and it's a flower that shoots you?

She had that flower that shoots you, if you know what I'm saying. I mean, she could fucking water a cactus from about probably eight and a half feet away. You know? I mean, she just had accuracy too. I mean, just probably like damn. I mean, I'm talking like Jesse James with a mouthful of chewing tobacco. She could fucking, you know, hit a spoon probably at at least seven and three quarter feet. But so I met this lady and I didn't know any of this about her.

I didn't know any of this about her. And she worked in casting. She was like a casting director or something. So I meet up with her. I invited her to a comedy show in Los Angeles. And she shows up. And, oh, I remember Jennifer Garner was at the bar downstairs. And I remember thinking, man, Jennifer Garner is fine as hell.

You know, and I've always thought. I mean, Julia Roberts was always like the one I liked the most. Gina Davis. You know, and I've always thought I mean, Julia Roberts was always like the one I like the most. Gina Davis, you know, who else? Oh, Jennifer Garner, who I first said, well, forget it. And then so we got the. So anyway, this lady shows up and she's she's attractive. I didn't really realize how attractive she was. Because I just met her briefly. I went in and auditioned for something.

She was a casting director. She thought I was funny. I said, well, you should come see me do comedy. She gave me her card, and I emailed her. I'm thinking, well, I've got to have casting directors come see me if I want to work in this community, in this town. So she shows up, and the comedy show was the next night. I messed up. I brought her to a comedy show on March 18th, and the show was on March 19th.

And there's nothing upstairs. There's no comedy upstairs. It's just nothing. So instead, we decided to get dinner downstairs at the room, at the restaurant. So she and I are eating dinner. Things are going swell. She'd break out some edibles. You know, she had some edibles there.

And these are early edibles. These were the ones where, you know, somebody came in with a little sack of them from Pasadena or from Palm Springs or somebody rolled it. You know, somebody had made this shit. You know, somebody that had an oven or somebody that had cooked them by fire.

Like these were the kind of edibles people had cooked over a hot fire. Like these were the old school ones. And she's like, have you ever had one? I said, I never had one of these. One of these, you know, these super cookies of dope. So next thing we split this thing up and I love cookies. So she gave, she said, well, just take a bite. And everybody says that, you know, and then the person eats too much. It's exactly what happened to me because I took a bite. And then in my brain, I'm just thinking it's a cookie. So I'd take another bite. Well, so fast forward, maybe 40 minutes, I don't know, or even maybe 600 minutes.

Uh, we're sitting there eating dinner. I can't remember how I know this woman. remember how I know this woman. I can't remember if she is my wife, if she is my longtime girlfriend, if she is my fine cousin. I can't remember. But next thing, man, we're standing outside. It's time to go. And I valeted my car and I couldn't remember even how the valet worked. I walked up to this man and started just telling him, just describing my car to him like it was a game show or something. He was supposed to guess. The whole time I got the little ticket in my pocket. Anyway, so we're leaving and it was just a business dinner. And so I go to kiss her. I go to kiss this lady and she's like, what, what, what's going on? And man, I was just cooked out. I was cooked out on that fucking plant magic, man. On that mother nature's freaking

vitamin, you know, a mother nature's fuck, mother nature's brain lozens, that THC. I was cooked out. I didn't know what was going on. I'm apologizing and everything. And, you know, I just basically tried to kiss somebody that had, that had just had a business dinner with me for no reason out of the blue. But I had no, man, I didn't know if this was my, I had no idea. I don't know if we lived together. I had no backstory on us at all. Fast forward after that, like two days later, she hit me up. She's trying to get me to come over. She's bringing me all this weed, you know, and we start getting together and she's, you know, next thing you know, she's watering plants around the, uh, I mean, she had these

plants set up at different, you know, different distances in her room. You ever seen that show, the grand prize game? It was with Bozo the clown where you throw you throw the thing into the bucket, and the bucket keeps getting further away. And if you hit it at a certain point, you get free Popeye's chicken for your classroom or something. Well, I don't know if it was a national show. I think it was on WGNO, Chicago Channel 9. But it was a game show for children. And it was pretty, I mean, it was awesome for kids, but maybe it was perverted. Maybe it was only in Louisiana.

I don't know. It might have only been in Louisiana, actually, because I think one of my friends was on it one time. But if so, they had this thing. It was called Bozo the Clown. And he was a clown that had red hair. I guess he was Irish. So, you know, it was this Irish man who wore this striped suit, and he looked angry, and he had this thing called the grand prize game where kids would have these buckets. And one of the kids, they'd have a group of kids in the audience.

One of the kids would get to come and throw these little ping pong balls into the bucket. And if he hit the furthest bucket, everybody in his classroom got chicken, free chicken from Popeye's, you know? So you'd see all the kids in the back, dude, you know, especially the young black kids, they fired up, you know? Because it's not a stereotype. Everybody loves chicken. But, uh, but damn, dude, this lady could, I mean, she could, uh, she could wash it. She could wash the ends of your eyelashes.

She had, she had just had accuracy with that vagine, you know? She just had, I mean, it was like that movie where that person is the sniper. I'm not sure what it's called. But yeah, I mean, she could dot an I. She could dot an I from probably about three and a half feet. But that's what it was, man. And then we ended up, you know, getting sexual and everything and things happening.

But, oh, here's the crazy thing. Forgot what I was even telling you. So the next day, though, that edible was in my system and it was my birthday. And I laid in my bed the entire day afraid to answer the phone. Afraid. You know, my stepdad called me. He sang me happy birthday every year. You know, they had this family that took me in in high school. And every year, this man, Mr. Rhett, that's his name. And he calls me and sings me happy birthday on my birthday. And that's something, you know, that gives me a sensation, man. That's something

that gives me a sensation. Not an Irish sensation. I'm not getting Irish, but it gives me a sensation of being cared about. You know, I was in this man's son. I mean, I went to live with them. Dude, I used to, they gave me allowance. I didn't do shit. I. I mean, I went to live with them. Dude, I used to. They gave me allowance. I didn't do shit. I was smoking dope in my room half the time. I remember doing a bunch of donuts in my escort one time. I had a Ford Escort with no passenger seat.

So if you get in the front, bitch, you get in the back, you know. It's the only car had two entrances into the back seat. But I used to do donuts. We had these beautiful lesbians that live across the street from us that would do wild Christmas lights and put like exotic kind of, and everybody said it was like snow mountains and stuff. They built these basically, you know, lighted up dicks. They would put these, and this shit looked all like, just like they had nine big dicks in the yard.

I'm like, does that have anything to do with Christmas? Are y'all just trying to catch some sweet? You know, y'all just dreaming about dildo sizes out here. But they were beautiful lesbians and they were beautiful neighbors. But man, I would do donuts in their fucking yard before school. Have a fifth of taco vodka under my seat. Just living senselessly. You know, and this man still would call me every year on my birthday.

And I still spend holidays with them. I'm going to see them on Easter in a couple weeks for a crawfish boil. But I still spend time with that family because they made me feel cared for. And that's what we got to do for each other out here. You can do that today. You could do that today. So if you do something today for me, for my birthday, if you want to give me something, just tell somebody you care about them. You know, I don't care if it's a dude. I don't care if it's a chick. I don't care if it's a child and you look at your child or, you know, make sure it's your child though. You know, don't be, don't be if it's a child and you look at your child or, you know, make sure it's your child, though.

You know, don't be smoking cigarettes by that radio flyer wagon over there in Spokane. This one dude had on sunglasses, kept going down the slide. Like, dude, you're about 38. You better check out. But, you know, do something. Do something nice. Let somebody know you care. but you know, you know, do something, do something, do something nice. Let somebody know you care.

Do something nice for somebody, you know, do something nice. I bet you to make them feel good. Cause, um, or if it's somebody, you know,

his birthday call and leave him that voicemail, just sing him happy birthday. Who gives a fuck? You sound like an idiot. Oh, well, cause I know it'll make them feel good, man, because I know that that's how it made me feel. voicemail. Just sing them happy birthday. Who gives a fuck? You sound like an idiot. Oh, well. Because I know it'll make them feel good, man, because I know that that's how it made me feel.

And here it's been, you know, I started living with that family when I was 14. And here I'm 38. And that's 24 years, maybe? I don't know. Yeah. And that man, who I didn't fire out of his wang, that man calls me every year on my birthday with no sexual interest in me and just sings me happy birthday. So that's what it's about, man. If you want to do something for my birthday as well, I'll say this. You can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a comment. Let's get this beast up the hill over there. You know, we're going to, I think I have a really cool guest coming in maybe next week.

Might have a guest coming in this week. One of my good buddies coming in who I love talking to. You know, we may have some great, you know, and then it's just going to keep coming. You know, I know Brendan Schaub is going to come on. Brian Callen. You know, we'll get all these hitters in here. I know Brendan Schaub is going to come on, Brian Callen. We'll get all these hitters in here. A couple of my favorite authors have said that they're willing to come on. So we've got some good things happening.

So if you can get that podcast up the hill, push this thing up. Push this thing up so when I send them the link to go look at this thing, that it shows up on those websites, on those charts. And that's something small you can do for me. Man, we got some good calls that came in, man. A couple that really hit me in the heart. You know, a couple that really hit me in the heart. I got a card too. Somebody gave it to me in, I want to say in Spokane, maybe in Tacoma. I'm going to read it now. I just opened it up. You can see it on the YouTube. It has a hamster on the front. It says, don't be shy. Time to unleash your inner party animal. Happy birthday. And it's one of those cars that used to play music. my mother would deliver as well to these gas stations.

You know, she would deliver any like kind of trinkety type of thing. At certain times, she delivered cookies for this company called Vortman. And that's when I knew I was an addict. When I would go lay in her car at night and I'd fucking eat 45 sugar cookies, dude. And then tell my mother I didn't. That's crazy. Who else did it? Who else did it but the kid who's sick now?

And smell, you could smell the sugar and dough in my skin. If I were to sweat a little, you could smell sugar and dough in my skin. Oh, here it is. Oh, it's got a dancing hamster on it on this car. But I'm going to read you this letter. It came with it right here. It said, Theo, happy birthday to one of my favorite adults in the game. Thank you very much.

I wanted to wish you nothing but success in the future and to tell you to enjoy today. I'm one of your biggest supporters. I just started my comedy career almost exactly a year ago. Your insane sense of humor has helped mold me. Every time I feel nervous to be myself on stage, I will turn on 30-pound bag of hamster bones to remind me it pays off in the end. Never doubt yourself. You are funny. It says you were the funniest comedian around because of that inner voice. Appreciate you, Stephen Schultz. Thanks,

Stephen. You know what's weird, man? This is going to sound kind of crazy. When I got to this part where it said you were the funniest comedian around, I didn't want to read that. You know, I didn't want to read that out loud. You know, and this, and I'll tell you why, man. I don't even really want to tell you guys why. Because there's something inside of me sometimes that is afraid to, that's afraid to feel good. You know, when things start to feel good or people start having fun, sometimes I want to, I just, I can't do it. I got to shut that down. You know, there's start to feel good or people start having fun, sometimes I want to, I just, I can't do it. I got to shut that down. You know, there's something inside of me that I think when I was young, I was so used to not feeling good or, you know, or just, you know, I didn't like myself so much that I got used to not wanting to feel joy. I didn't want to feel it because it felt so foreign, I think, to me

that it felt like too big of a leap. It felt like too big of a leap to read this. Never doubt yourself. You're the funniest comedian around from someone that I don't know. It felt too big of a... It felt scary to feel good about myself. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone or not. And, and maybe it doesn't

have to this, you know, sometimes these episodes or this, this talking, and, uh, I don't know sometimes what I'm, what I'm talking about, but I feel what I'm talking about, but sometimes I can't get the words right. Maybe not today, but maybe in the future I can. But I had some great calls that came in. I want to get onto this hotline. The hotline is 985-664-9503. If you are struggling with anything,

if you're experiencing the dark arts, I've been out there. I stay out there. I got three days right now, no masturbation, and I'm feeling hopeful. I fall victim easy to that next thing. It was sugar cookies. It was doing donuts in a lesbian's yard.

Whatever it was, that next hit, I always needed, whatever, I needed something. Anything that kept me from feeling myself, that's what I needed. But man, I'm grateful that I'm here today with you guys. I sure am, man. Somebody I don't know gave me a nice letter. And now we're going to do that for somebody else with some of these calls. These are their letters. We're taking them in. We're doing this as full circle.

That's what we're doing. We're going to do good things here together and I'm grateful for you guys being here with me today. Let's hit a couple of calls right here, man. Thank you very much. Hey, CEO. This is Brian from Cleveland. Hey, Brian, down there in Cleveland. And they had a video after the basketball championship of a man eating horse poop out in the street. And if you've never seen that, go take a gander on that, boy. Now, we used to eat mushrooms out of cow poop when I was young, but we never went directly to the poop and skipped the drugs. So that was a real artsy move. Let's hear

more. I have a five-year-old daughter and just wanted to get your opinion. She goes to kindergarten right now and I'm a single dad. And, you know, every weekend, you know, when that UFC fights are on or MMA fights, whatever, you know, me and my buddies and my family, we watch. Oh, that's cool, man. I just started watching them. And people have told me that if you get into these Krav Maga and these MMA type of environments, that you learn like a brotherhood. And I think that's something I'm starting to be attracted to about it. Because in the beginning, I was kind of scared to watch some of it. It looked so much violence.

It looked so much violence out there. People fucking losing lips. so much violence out there. People fucking losing lips, you know, out in a damn, you know, people losing lips out in a small you know, eight-fenced yard out there, that octagon. But thank you for calling. Your family

enjoys them more? And she's been learning a lot of things from watching the fights. You know, and lately in school, you know, she's been rear-naked choke kids and, you know, double-leg take down them and, you know, just doing all these things, all these moves that she learned from just watching that I didn't teach her. And these kids and teachers having a problem. She choked the kid out about two weeks ago and the kid went to sleep.

Fucking, bro. Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Let's hear more. She got suspended for about three days. And I want to get her into jiu-jitsu school or something that's going to get that let's hear more you know she got suspended for about three days and you know i want to get her into jiu-jitsu school or something you know that's gonna get that energy out but i was wondering what is your opinion on what i should do and how i should handle you know her trying to fight all these kids you know and being kind of a bully or you know kind of just being

very very expressive with her moves that she learns from UFC. So if you could give your opinion on that, I'll definitely appreciate you. Thanks, Brian. You know, I don't have a five-year-old, but I grew up. I have two beautiful – I have three beautiful nieces, man. I've been just so blessed in that area. I love watching – I mean, little girls are the – to me, I have two nephews, and they're getting real cool.

But little girls, watching them grow up and stuff is so much fun. And watching them be brave and do things that maybe you didn't have the opportunity or be able to do as a child. It's beautiful. But yeah, man, if she's fucking figure foreign dudes, then that's why. Look, let her learn these methods. Especially with those legs. She's doing leg locks. And she's Ric Flair and little fucking fourth graders.

Because I'll tell you this, in about six or eight years, them boys going to be coming at her with erections, bro. They're going to be coming at her with that straight blood yoga right in the middle. They're going to be just, you know, their dicks going to be yoga up. And she's going to have that ability. You know, she's going to be able to put that, you know, put somebody's nutsack in a rear naked choke, bro. And they'll never get naked again around her, I bet. So some of these skills are going to come in handy. But look, I think,

I think, I think you're on the right track. I think it's, I think it's nice. It's nice to see an empowered girl like that, feeling confident about herself. But definitely, I think you can guide her into knowing when is right and when is wrong to use. Now, wrestling moves, if she wants to watch some wrestling shit, show her some old Jimmy Superfly snooker. If she wants to jump off a fucking tree branch, an elbow drop, a couple of fucking snot nose cats that are trying to get up, get up at her, then that's okay. That's okay. That kind of wrestling is a hundred percent. Okay. When you get more into that Krav Maga, that MMA, that UFC, now that's just more technical and that's real. So people could really get hurt, but I think you have a great opportunity to organize what she's going

to what she's doing right now and get her to feel that passion and energy, because then she's going to be able to teach other kids and other young ladies who are interested, some of the same skill set, you know, and I think, you know, maybe some more like karate type of stuff. I mean, I always thought dudes that did karate when I was young were ridiculous. Or some Tai Chi, maybe. But that kind of stuff, I think it seems to show you more of like holding the value and holding your power. And being that statue. And not just being that straight up six-year-old fucking attack. You stabbing people with pencils and shit.

You know, and just rainbow bright and motherfuckers and choking them out. So, you know, I think get her organized because she's, with her ability and her desire, she's going to be able to lead others if she has some organization. And it seems like as a parent that that probably wouldn't be too hard for you to provide. But I think it's cool, man. I think it's beautiful. I think it's awesome that you care so much about what's going on with your daughter. But yeah, don't let a bully run around out there just beating up kids for no reason. It's scary. They had this girl when I was growing up named Kizzy. Her name was Kizzy. And she would beat all the boys ass. And the scariest part about that was after a while, I started to feel sorry for her because you could tell

that she probably really wanted some affection from boys. But boys were afraid to give her affection, even if she was a pretty girl. She just happened to be really tough when we were young. And she probably, you know know she came from some tough circumstances but but at a certain point it didn't serve her well to act that tough all the time because it made boys afraid to care about her you know and so she didn't have dates to the dances and she you know and then she felt like she had to take on this persona of always being tough

and you could start to see that that kind of wear it on her. But yeah, man, it seemed like you're in control of it. But thank you for calling, Brian. I appreciate it. Those are some thoughts of mine. Also, I have no children and I don't know. But I'd love to have some one day, I think. Which is crazy because I never used to think that. That's crazy, man.

It's crazy how, you know, they say a leopard never changes its spots. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. That's crazy, man. It's crazy how, you know, they say a leopard never changes its spots. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. Let's take another call. Here we go. Hey, Theo. My name is Kara and I am calling from New York. Hey, Kara from New York. Thank you for calling. So anyway, I am a pretty normal person, again, with a little bit of an unusual job. You have people calling in for that. I am an animal agent which means that i work with animals in movies and tv commercials and tv shows and print ads oh so you're working with star animals no way oh we have to call you again because i want to know about some of them i worked on a set one time with Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

They have a cat in there. Not the puppet, the real cat. I worked with that cat in a commercial one time. I worked with a dog one time that was in that movie with Will Smith at the end of the world where he's like the last person alive. I am legend. Work with that dog. I saw a woman had a batch of, this lady had every animal you could think of. I went to her home out there and she lived out, I want to say west of Los Angeles, like north of Los Angeles.

She had every animal you could think of down to lice and ticks. And she'd have a certain number of them and she took care of them. And they had agents. She had head lice that had agents that were represented in the industry. Absolutely baffling. Thanks for calling, Kara. Let's hear more. Onward. Oh, I always wanted a show animal. Ever since I saw Green Mile and that man had those show mice. You know, and that reminded me

of growing up around, you know, I grew up in the stray animal belt and so we'd get wild animals. I mean, we had a fucking batch of damn lemurs came through one year and I don't want to say they were French, but they had the best posture I'd ever seen. They stood on two feet

and there was probably almost maybe five of them and they knew each other. And so I've always, you know always had a unique fear and infatuation of animals. From getting attacked by them and also being intrigued by them. Onward. We do flogs and alligators and snakes and all wrangle just about anything. Dang, you sound like you might want to hire Brian's five-year-old daughter to get

out there and catch something. You know, I'd love to see her put a I'd love to see her choke out a fucking salamander. Here we go. But the real reason for my call is what is up with handicapped bathrooms or what is the protocol with handicapped bathrooms?

So it might be more of a female issue than a male issue. I'm not quite sure because we use stalls for everything. But going into a typical woman's bathroom, there are regular stalls and then there's usually one stall for handicapped. And I've always just kind of used it as, you know, you're waiting in line and if that's the one open, then that's the one you go into. Yeah, well, look, I think that's it. I don't think, yeah, if you're in a bathroom and there's a handicapped stall and nobody's in it, you don't wait around for a handicapped person. You know, if that's what you're asking, like you don't have a responsibility just to like, you know, to help a handicapped person up to the toilet.

You know, so you can use it. If a handicapped person shows to the toilet. So you can use it. If a handicapped person shows up, you have to get out. It's almost like they get to go first. It's like at a gangbang, really. If you're in a gangbang and a handicapped person shows up, they fuck first. You don't fuck while somebody's over in the corner being blind or being you know only having you know you know one leg or no arms or something or in a sling or you know you don't you so it's just protocol you let them go first i've look i've spent a ton of

time in handicapped bathrooms i used to be i used to have this fear sometimes of being in the airport and fear of flying and when i went to the airport the first thing i have this fear sometimes of being in the airport and fear of flying. And when I went to the airport, the first thing I would go to, I'd go in the handicapped bathroom and sit in there for about 40 minutes. Not even do any poops or pees. And I would just sit in there. Sometimes I would even imagine what it was like to have certain types of handicaps. Because I've always really had an affinity for the disabled and always you know marveled at the the abilities of people with disabilities you know they had a dude in my town no arms people know I've talked about him this dude Gert Edgerton was his name but they call him Gert which is just short if you take Edgerton you take the beginning and the end off

of it you get Gert and he had no arms and he would fucking choke people out all the time. This dude was choking, bro. You don't even, you talking shit? You think he ain't going to do nothing? And suddenly you're getting choked out. Like he just grew two arms, but he didn't. He would snatch you up with his neck. He would just, he would get you between his neck and chin.

He would take you down to the mat. But I think, look, use them. Handicapped. This is, there's this crazy thing in the world about handicapped people. We can't say handicapped. We can't mention them. We can't. They want us to be a part of their lives.

You know, handicapped people want to be included in the story. You know, they want to be a, I don't care. I don't care if somebody don't have arms or legs or a head. If they got a good heart in their chest, let's go. That's all I care about. You know, people putting all these handicapped. Dude, I'd love it if they just came to a regular restroom. You know, I'd hold a dude on the toilet while he shits if I have to.

That's brotherhood. You know, that's old school. That's Native American type stuff. I mean, that's cocaine behavior, really. Holding on to a buddy while he shits. I mean, if you haven't done that, you haven't done some good blow. I remember one time in, I don't know where this was. I think in, could have been over in New York or Virginia Beach, man.

We got some shady, shady cocaine. And this dude had to shit one of our buddies and he had to shit and he couldn't. But he had like his whole body was shitting. But the man, I'm sorry to be talking about this kind of gross, but but he couldn't do it. And so we had to get two or three dudes in there to push on his abdomen, you know, just literally squeezing his body as much as he could until finally he just blew shit. So, you know, sometime you got to, if people's handicapped, then that's it. Because we all get handicapped sometime. This time you're

not handicapped. Maybe next time you will be. This time you have a certain body type. Next time you get the other time. You'll be back. You'll be somewhere next after this life. Experiencing the other side of the coin. Whatever that coin is. Because a lot of it's perspective. You know?

We don't really live in different worlds, but we definitely live in different perspectives but yeah look if you're handicapped or you got a friend that's handicapped you party with them Kara and you fucking get them an animal you know get them a sack of head lice or something I'll bill it to me get them a couple of gerbils throw a g-pig at a freaking paraplegic, you know, and I'll pay for that. You know, because it's amazing, you know, it's amazing the power when you, it's amazing the power, the, it's amazing the feeling you get, the sensation back to that, that you get that feeling of, of just, you know, I feel impressed when I see somebody that has a disability and they're able to manage and thrive and be happy.

Man, that makes me, it's impressive. It puts things into perspective and we need that. But yeah, if you got to borrow their shitter for a few minutes, you get in there, baby. You do something dirty in there. I'm not going to say a word. You sound like a good woman. We got two more calls here

that I want to get to and I'm super grateful for you guys for being here with me on my birthday. You know, I'm so, I'm so, you know, I'm so, you know, I'm 38. And as hard as I don't want to admit it sometimes, I'm pretty happy.

You know, as much as I, for some reason, there's something inside of me that's just, you know, it's not used to admitting it. It's that same thing I think that, you know, just I had over the years. It's that same thing flaring back up. I just don't want to admit sometimes when I'm feeling good because I guess I just, you know, I don't know. I was so used to not feeling it when I was young that I'm afraid it's not going to stick around. But we're working together, boy, and we got this. Gang, gang, gang, gang, man. They had this guy that came out in uh spokane right he came out and he right when the show started he's just yeah he's yelling gang gang and he was that you could tell he was as he loved this past week and he was into it all man and nine minutes later dead asleep

you could see he went out and done the St. Paddy's Day and lived his life to the fullest and he was going to get to that show no matter hell or high water or how many Irish dudes came at him for BJs or whatever. No matter how Irish shit got for him, he was showing up. And he showed up, man.

And then nine minutes later, he was like at the second or third table off to the right in Tacoma in the late show. And he was dead asleep. But I knew that he was, I swear he had a smile on his face. I swear he did. And I think because the rest of us were having such a good time, he couldn't help but enjoy it. He couldn't help but catch a hit off that joy through his ears.

Let's get to another call that we had right here. Oh, we have people that call in. If you had a good weekend or a bad weekend, call in, leave it on the hotline. And each month we're going to give out one of these. We got this batch of blue, blue, correctional gray, blue, a correctional blue or the correctional center blue. That's the only way to describe this color. Correctional center Blue t-shirts. Whoever had the best or worst weekend, you got to leave the voicemail. Try to leave it in 60 seconds or less on the hotline. And whoever had it, we're going to share their weekend or whatever. And we're going to give them a shirt, whoever did it, you know, whoever had the best one.

Let's listen to this one right here if we can. Hey Theo, this is Aaron. I just wanted to, I'm a huge fan of the podcast and your stand up. Thanks Aaron. I appreciate that. And this has just been a feel good episode, man. A lot of these calls, people saying nice things. And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but you know, I don't, you know,

but I'm, I'm not doing that from my own ego, but I appreciate it. Onward. Thank you. Hilarious, man. Just have a question. You know, I got out of a bad relationship. Oh, this is a different call. Let me hear this call first.

Actually, this is to do with the weekend. Sorry about that. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Nate from Massachusetts. Just calling to share the best weekend I had in a long, long time. All right, Nate from Mass. Boy, Nate Nathaniel.

Nathaniel. And I think that's a name in the Bible maybe or in some other, I think a different book actually. Let's hear more. actually. Let's hear more. I got to spend a beautiful, sunny late winter Saturday out on the ice fishing with my six-year-old son and both of his granddaddies. Ooh, that sounds like that movie

where the two old guys fight. And that movie is called Grandfather's I think it's like Grandfather's Summer Camp or something with Jack Lennon, who's actually buried by my house, and Walter Matthew. And they are both buried by where I live in Los Angeles. And it's about senior citizens fighting about stuff, and they go fishing.

But let's hear more. By the time I was old enough to remember them, half my grandparents passed on. Yeah, grandparents used to die a lot earlier when we were young. You know, these kids nowadays, they get it all. They get the iPads and they got the Pokemon card. You know, they ain't getting as many diseases. I remember we used to all get a disease, dude. Everybody had fucking, you know, some type of syndrome

or, you know, their spine was or their spine was just working freelance. Everybody's fucking living a little bit Jenga in the back. All the scoliosis tests, all of that. Everybody was coming in. One of their eyes didn't work super good. They had to hold their eye open while they took tests and shit. Everybody had something. But now everybody's living joyously and having all their grandparents.

Let's hear more. And by then, the other half maybe didn't have time to go out and spend a whole day out on the ice with a little youngster. Yeah, that's the truth. Remember that? Back in the day, your grandparents, they couldn't even, by the time you knew them, they couldn't do nothing. They was eating gelatin.

That was it. They was just shoveling gelatin and, you know, just stuffing their faces with gelatin and doing suppositories and stuff when they could, when they could catch a little hit off of, you know, a batch of a prescription. You know, I remember my dad would put his walker, my dad had a walker, he put it out in the yard. That was our jungle gym. We'd climb around on his walker out there in the front yard. Fucking just spinning off that bitch and just landing out into the mud, dude. Had a beautiful dismount,

actually. I had a beautiful dismount when I was probably about six and a half, boy. Like, damn, Dominic Mogi... Dominic... Is it Mogiashu? You know who I'm talking about. Gabby Douglas. Let's hear more.

But it was a real special day, and I hope my son gets to carry it with him into the future. I know that I got to take a little bit of time and sit back and appreciate watching him out there with my father and my father-in-law, just loving life, running around like a little rascal on the ice, watching flags pop, catching bass and chain tickle. Congrats on the new studio, brother.

Thanks, Nate. Wow, that's a great call, man. That's a great call. And you can hit the hotline with your best or worst weekend, whatever your weekend was like. You don't have to, and it needs to be something that just happened. So just make it fresh and there's no pressure. We'll do it every month.

We're going to give away one of those Correctional Center blue t-shirts to whoever's, you know, kind of hit home the most. And we appreciate it. Yeah, it's a beautiful feeling, man, seeing that, you know, seeing what that's like. I remember my grandparents when I was probably six years old, maybe five or six, because I had a long gap where I didn't get to spend time with them. But they took me fishing for the first time. And I was walking on this trail up to Atkinson. It was an old fishing camp out just in rural Illinois. It was called Atkinson. And it was awesome, man. They had just Spoon River flowed through there or around there. And they had, you know, you would, Spoon River flowed through there or around there.

And they had, you know, you've probably read those plays, the Spoon River anthologies. And anyhow, a snake, this black snake, and I'm not getting racial. The snake was black. It has nothing to do with anything. It wrapped itself around my boot. And my grandmother saw it. I didn't see it. She said, stop, don don't move and she had this big stick right and she swung that thing and hit me in the fucking shin i mean i can still feel the pain the pain didn't even it hurt so bad it didn't even start in my shin. It started in my stomach.

It just like, oh, I just wanted to, I mean, it almost just made both of my lungs crawl out of my, out of my, out of my face and just look for hope in the distance. So she did that to me. But yeah, that sounds like a beautiful time that you had. And thank you for sharing that, Nate. We got this other call that came in right here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Aaron. I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan of the podcast and your stand-up. Thank you very much, Aaron.

Thank you. Hilarious, man. Just have a question. I got out of a bad relationship with this girl about two years ago. Okay. Welcome out. And since then, I don't know, man. We were kind of engaged.

So when she broke it off and she left me for some other dude, that kind of left me in a bad rut. And I think I got like this. Yeah, I'm traumatized from it because I can't exactly approach women the same way I used to anymore. Because I got that fear in me. I got that trauma. So I guess my question to you is, I mean, have you been in that situation before? If you have, how do you deal with it?

Because I'm open to any ideas. Thank you for calling, Aaron. Have I been in that situation before where I felt traumatized by approaching women or I felt scared to approach women? Yeah. Yeah, I've been in that situation. I think most of my life I've lived it. You know, I think that's a natural fear of a lot of men. So for one, don't feel don't feel alone.

I think talking to other friends about it and going with somebody else, if you're really trying to meet a girl in a bad way. You know, I met a comedian one time and this was in Madison, Wisconsin. And he told me, he said, you know what I do? He goes, I'll walk up to a woman I'm interested in and I'll just say, look, you really caught my eye and I'm nervous right now, but I wanted to say hello. And if they're a decent person, a decent woman, they're at least going to communicate with you. They're going to understand that you're being real. They're going to feel something, you know, as long as you ain't creeping or you're not wearing, you know, as long as you got your shirt sleeves on you, if a shirt came with shirt sleeves, as long as that shirt still has those sleeves on it and you didn't cut them off or you're not, you know, your neck's clean and your ears are clean, then a decent woman is going to communicate with you.

And a woman that's not worth it isn't going to. Now, the one who communicates, she might not love you. She might not ask you out. She might not accept your offer if you ask her out, but she's going to communicate with you. And I think you got to, it sounds like you have to put some of that past to rest. It sounds like you're still, you got this, you know, this anchor back there with this lady. How do you let that go? Well, some of it takes time. You know, you can't hurry that. Some of it just takes time. So what you can do while that is, I mean, it just takes time. They

say it takes twice as many years to get over a relationship than you were in it, especially if you were almost engaged. I don't know what that means, if you were afraid to do it or she didn't want to do it. But for whatever reason that didn't work out, it wasn't supposed to work out. Wherever you are right now in your life, that's where you're supposed to be. There's probably some really good stuff right around the corner for you. But you got to show up with your posture each day. You got to look up if you want to see it. You're going to have to wake up and open your eyes and feel hopeful. I noticed the second I start to feel

real hope, like I start to feel hopeful. Like I start to go into my day and be like, instead of being like, fuck another day, another day where I'm, you know, not with her another day where I'm at the same job or another day where I have to sit in traffic. As soon as I think that way, that's where I'm stuck all day. But when I wake up and say, guess what? Another big dick just woke up in the universe today. Guess what? I got my eyes open and I got a strong snout. I might smell a pot of gold in the distance. I might find treasure today. You know, I might catch a rare animal. I might ride a unicorn. I might kiss a donkey. I might do something. Anything could happen. When I show up and say, yeah, I might sit in traffic today,

but I might meet a hottie in my car. Because you know where a girl can't get away from you? In traffic. At least probably not for two to four minutes. So when you bump, when you neck and neck with her, throw that flirt. Roll down your window. Don't say I'm pulling some 2 Chainz. Show somebody who, show your vibe without saying a word. Sometimes you can show your vibe without even saying a word, boy.

You know, ride around with one of those, those party things you get at a party, those things that bother everybody that they roll out and then roll back in. One of those little party favors. Throw one of those in the car. Put on some fucking Nelly. You telling me if,

now you telling me if you drive past a good girl and you busting some Nelly and blowing those party favors. And if she don't look over twice, that's not on you. That's on her. You just gratefully lost a bad girl. Be grateful when you lose the bad ones. That's another thing. You know, you see a girl you're nice to or you said something nice. It's okay.

If she's nice and friendly and cordial, good. That's a good girl. But some girl, they want to be a cunner. They want to be rude because you just said hello. Or you're trying. They know you're nervous and they still just shut your nerves down. You'd be grateful you didn't end up with that broad. Because you're going to have fun fucking her for a couple weeks, and then you are going

to lose half your money to her in nine months, somehow, through some dirty alimony or something. You know, whatever path you're on right now, it's okay, man. And you got to take some time to heal. But while you're healing, do not feel bad for taking that time. And that could be the little prison you get caught in. Because sometimes, you know, not only will I be feeling,

not only will I have some feeling of sadness from something that occurred prior in my life, but then I'll feel bad for feeling bad. And that's not a good sensation. So if you feel that sensation, man, you feel that vibe, let that thing go. Find something good. Spend time with some buddies. You know, you'd be amazed how you find a buddy that has a good girlfriend.

And guess who she'll know? Other good girlfriends. You know, sometimes we think it's this element where we got to just put all of it to meet somebody, get involved in a different, in a program, something new, something different, man, you'll find somebody, you'll find somebody and you'll find them when you're ready. You know, you, but you show up hopeful to each day, man. You show up hopeful, bro. Cause if I'm going to sit here and be hopeful for you, then you better be hopeful for yourself. I'm saying don't put it all on me, man. This other call came in, man. We're going to finish up right here, man. And this was,

I want to play it for you guys first. But Aaron, good luck, man. Keep your head up, dude. I love you, bro. And if I was a little more Irish, I'd get Irish with you. I'd try to help you out there. But if anything, you can always just wait till next St. Paddy's Day and at least get a load off, you know, from somebody. From anybody. Here we go. Let's hear more. All right, see you, mate. I'm not sure if it's obvious from my tone, but a little bit uncomfortable leaving this message.

Okay, no worries, brother. You know, that's okay, man. I've been uncomfortable. I've been uncomfortable, man. So don't feel uncomfortable, please. Just sort of want someone to talk to about this. And I know the Theo Von past weekend family

I think there's some people who can give me some useful feedback yeah man we can certainly try it if we can onward I guess I've run into a bit of a crossroads in my life.

Sort of chatting shit. Yeah, I've got a bit of a drug problem. And yeah, I don't know. My problem is that I keep on justifying everything with self-pity. And I don't know. At what point do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? That's my question. But yeah, I'm kind of chatting absolute fucking drivel.

But yeah, man. No, you're not, man. Onward. I love the show. Been listening for like a year now. Yeah, man. No, you're not, man. I love the show. Been listening for like a year now. Yeah, man. Take it easy. Thanks for calling, man.

I appreciate it. You know, you weren't talking absolute drivel. You know, I appreciate you calling. Excuse me, man. Yeah, I appreciate you calling dude i could you know at what point i'm gonna hear this one more time man it's i'm gonna hear this one more time yeah i don't know my problem is that um i keep on justifying everything with like self-pity and i don't know at what point do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? That's like my question, but yeah, I'm kind of chatting absolutely fine.

At what point do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You know, it's crazy, man. It can become an addiction. Ending up feeling sorry for yourself can almost become an addiction in itself because when you feel sorry for yourself, it's at least a feeling. And sometimes after a while, it's like the only thing you know how to feel. And it's sad, man.

It's an unfortunate situation. But guess what? You're not alone, man. You're going to be okay. I thought about this earlier, actually. I listened to this call, and it really hit home for me. And so I actually wrote down my answers because I want to be able to, you know, express myself as clearly as I can.

First, I want to say thank you. And also, I wanted to read this actually. Because this same caller sent an email as well that explained, he sent a text message into the hotline that explained his thoughts a little more. He said, Theo V, the boy, this is me again hitting you up from London, UK. If my memory serves me correctly, my voice messages I left were pretty incomprehensible. I'm bombarding you with messages and calls at this point, but I just want to clear things up. I can write better than I can talk.

I lived the first 19 years of my life in excessive comfort, the perfect family and no worries about anything. In the last year, everything has collapsed. My dad was diagnosed with MS and my mom has suffered a schizophrenic episode and left my dad. I know still my life is cushy, but the adjustment from never having faced anything difficult to a storm of shite raining down on my face has been difficult. Consequently, I've justified letting my life completely separate to my family fall apart, and I've been taking cocaine more days than I haven't for months now, and I think it's time to stop.

It seems stupid, but I've listened to your podcast every fucking FKIN. That's that British version, and I like that. Every fucking episode for about a year now, and although you don't know me, I feel like I know you. Can you offer any advice because I want to take my life back into my hands. Love you, bro. Yeah, man, I just appreciate you sharing. I appreciate you being brave enough to say some of these things, man, because I can sympath been, man, you got me hooked up here. I've been right there, man.

You know, I've been right there. So just know that the place when you feel, that those feelings that you, you're not alone. And I appreciate you calling and sharing about them. And I wrote down some suggestions. You know, I wrote down some suggestions, man, because I care, bro. I care about you. You know, I've never been a huge fan of the British, but I love you, bro.

Well, I want you to say, I wanted to know that, you know, you made a big step by realizing you have a problem that you can't handle. And you've taken a good step by reaching out to anyone. To anyone, man. You know, that's the first step because now this thing isn't just yours anymore. You know, you've taken a step. And I'm grateful for that. And a lot of people don't take those steps for many years. You're 19, you're 20, you're doing the stuff now.

And you're going to have, you're going to have a bright future. You've already like, you're already're already aware of a crossroads, it sounds like. A lot of drug abusers and alcoholics, you reach a point where you don't know what to do. You don't know what to do. Your life becomes unmanageable because you're managing it, but it's not, you're not doing it well. And then it comes to the point where almost it's managing you. But self-pity, you had asked

about, it's a feeling that grows on itself. It's almost like, you know, self, if you stay like inside and feel depressed and you don't go out in the sun, depression will build. It's almost like moss on a tree. It builds on the side away from the sun. So self-pity is a feeling that grows on itself. There's no way out of it by feeling more of it. If that makes any sense to you, there's no way out of self-pity by feeling more self-pity. if that makes any sense to you. There's no way out of self-pity by feeling more self-pity. But there are people and programs that can help change your perception about what you're going through, slowly but surely. What you're going through doesn't sound fun,

but numbing it with drugs only makes the reality of it worse to wake up to every day. You're establishing a cycle that will just get harder to get out of the longer that you don't face it. You don't have to worry about helping your family right now. You know, you can, because you're not going to be able to help them if you can't help yourself. So you got to get into a better place. It sounds like it's too much. It sounds like too much pressure. If you think I have to help my family, I have to get sober up right now and help my family. That's too much pressure.

All you have to do right now is care about yourself. And I feel like that's what you're doing. And I can't tell you if you have a problem. I can't tell you. Everybody's life is different. But I can tell you that there are people and programs out there that can help you live in a much more comfortable place.

And I know it's going to sound crazy. You're going to think it's not possible. That there's not. And it is. It is 100% possible. You know? I mean, I've been there. I don't know if I've been in the same place as you,

but I've been in a place where I was just doing, I was doing drugs because the, it was the only feeling I could, I needed drugs to have a feeling. It just made me feel fucked up. And that was the last feeling I could, I was just having so much trouble feeling anything else, and so I was like, oh, hear this.

At least it makes me feel fucked up, but not anymore, man, you know? Not right now. Right now, I'm having a day where I am, I am getting feelings from other people. I'm able to sit here and feel what you're feeling. And I can really feel it, man.

I'm not just sitting here saying I can feel it. I can feel what you're feeling. And I wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't get some help for myself. So I'll text you as well, man. I know your number came through the hotline, and I'll text you and hit you up. And then we can jump on the phone too if there's anything else I can talk about privately. But I appreciate you hitting the hotline, man. That's huge.

You know, you just made my birthday. You know, I hope in some moment today in my life or this week in my life that I'm able to be as strong as you were by being, you know, probably as honest, you know, just as being as honest and being as brave to fucking say, hey, you know, something's going on with me and it doesn't feel okay. So, you know, I appreciate that, man. Thank you very much. And I got to run to the comedy store, guys. I got to be there actually in about 20 minutes. And I'm not trying to bail on you. I'm not trying to bail on anybody.

But it's heading into my birthday. If you have any thoughts or suggestions or any feelings or anything that came into you ideas, suggestions for any of these callers that hit the hotline, please feel free. Uh, feel free to hit the hotline [phone] and share those thoughts and share those feelings. Um, and we will see if maybe we'll put them in on the next episode and we can get back. Um, and that way some of our listeners can give back to some of the people that called in. And if not, if you have a different issue or thought or suggestion or anything you want to talk about, you got a question for me,

hit me up, let me know. It can be about anything. But you know what? Find a way to feel something. Find a way to feel something, Find a way to feel something. Because that's why I'm here. You know, that's why I'm here. You know, I don't want to feel bad anymore.

You know, I want to feel some sensations. And I want them to feel good. So if you got to get Irish, you know, if you got to propose to somebody, if you got to, you know, tell your cousin that you hate, if you got to just hug to, you know, tell your cousin that you hate, if you got to just hug him, you know, whatever you got to do, find somebody, find somebody and fucking feel something, you know, and feel something. And I love you over there in London, man. Keep your head up, dude.

You got this. You know, you started to write the right this moment. You started something. You started making your life better. You started making your life better. I promise you that. And also, you know, anything I say on these shows, these suggestions, I don't, I don't know anything. I just know, you know, just some of my own things, what I've been through. But I love you guys, man. Y'all be good to yourselves. Hit the hotline for my birthday gift. Subscribe on iTunes. Throw a comment up there. It could just be anything. You know, it could be anything. And I appreciate you guys so much. We might have an episode on Thursday. We'll see. We're getting the studio put in.

I'm so close to being able to have a guest. Thank you, Patreon. Thank you, Gray Block. Thank you, Starflow. We'll have links to all of those at the bottom of the podcast. I will be in Tampa, Florida on April 6th and 7th. I will be at Bananas Comedy Club on April 20th and 21st in Hackensack, New Jersey. And I will be in Calgary June 15th through the 17th in Calgary, Canada at Yuck Yucks Comedy. More sets coming soon.

More dates. You can support on Patreon. You can grab an Onward t-shirt at theovon.com. can support on Patreon. You can hit up the, uh, you can grab an onward t-shirt at theovon.com slash store, uh, tickets at theovon.com slash tour and, uh, be good to yourselves, man. Cause, uh, I know you deserve it. Uh, happy birthday to you guys, man. Thank you so much for being here with me. Um, man, I feel, I feel okay. Okay. Celebrate misery You know that soon we're gonna die Let's have some fun while we all die Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,

a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.