This Past Weekend - China in a Nutshell | This Past Weekend #113

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Alright, check, check. There we go. We're riding. We're riding. We're riding. Oh, man, sometimes. Sometimes life is such an undertaking, isn't it? You know, you have those moments you'd be cruising, you know, and your life feels good and you're just wearing your life around your neck like a, you know, just like a fox, like a fox fur. And somebody's like, damn, is that a fox around your neck?

And you're like, nah, that's my life. You know, I've got my life so tamed that it just hangs around my neck like a fox. And then sometimes, dude, your life is just a fucking fraggle, you know, even in just in an instant, man, you can get just so just, you know, you can get keyed up, irrational, fired up, frazzled, fraggled. You can get that fraggle going. I'm here in Shanghai, man. This is Fraggle Central. I mean, this place, you can, if I don't, imagine everything, everything, pick something. Okay, that. and then a million other

things and all of a sudden everything happens at one time at one time it's like the big bang but it's all over and that's what's happened here in shanghai china but you gotta seize it you just gotta how however it's coming in i have to seize it you know i have to seize it. You just got to, however it's coming in, I have to seize it. You know, I have to take it. You know, it's life. You know, I have to take it. I just have to take it exactly as it comes. I can't adjust how it comes.

I can only adjust how it's received. You know, c'est la guerre, baby. And that means, that's French for so is, c'est la guerre, baby, and that means, uh, that's French for, um, so is, c'est la vie is life, so is life, oh, c'est la guerre is so is war, um, I don't know, fuck the French, bruh, you know what I'm saying, I mean, not a hundred percent really fuck them, but also, you know, nobody really likes them, but, uh, let's go onward. I ain't seen home in about a hundred days. I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul. And I ain't made a dollar, I ain't spent, but where it's going ain't killed me yet.

I still get where I'm bound to go. Mm-hmm. However it comes. I'm making it. I'm making wrong feel right Gotta make wrong feel right I'm making it

And if hell's where I'm headed to I'm making good time That's how it's coming If this bottle was an hourglass I'd say that I'm about an hour past the minute I should have put it down I'm on now But I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it

Feel right I'm making it. I'm making more. I feel right. Yeah. I'm making it. And if hell's where I'm heading then. I'm making good time. Making good time. Man, and that's it right there. I'm making it.

That's what I'm doing tonight. Here. And right now. Whenever this is. And I'm coming it. That's what I'm doing tonight, here, and right now, whenever this is. And I'm coming to you from Shanghai. China, baby. Think about it. China. China. Where fish, they have, you know, where a lot of fish hang out and people catch them. You know, I got into China and I came here to do some shows and I get into Shanghai it's nighttime and Shanghai imagine you're in a pinball machine and there are like 24 million balls in there and you are exhausted and you want to find something to eat. Got in, started walking around.

I couldn't even, there was too much going on. There's like, there's, they have, you know, older people that look young and young. You know, they had a baby that looked about, I mean, this baby might have been 86. This might have been an 86-year-old baby, dude. And he was carrying a bunch of hay on his back. And they have, you know, people are on rickshaws. People are on horseback. People are on each other's backs you know one guy gave another guy a couple dollars and he was riding him who fucking knows i guess however far the guy could carry him

you know that's uh i've heard of uber this is like uber like hey here's a dollar you burr you know let's go This is where I'm going. Fucking giddy up. It's just, it's magical here. It's everything. Imagine everything. Imagine everything you've ever known, and now imagine it's right here. It's China, baby.

Anything can happen. Someone, and there's so many people. Like, somebody will sneeze, and seven people will fall out of their mouth and you're like holy shit people are traveling via uh sneeze now you know gazoom family it's just like that so many people so much going on and we're staying right here like in time square i'm basically staying on this place it's called nanjing road and it's basically like in the it's yeah it's like the time square of new york so it's definitely like a touristy area to stay in but man just so and they try to say they have everything you ever wanted to buy even shit that doesn't exist you know you could get a you could get a baby diaper that sorts coins like oh that baby just took a shit did he yeah uh but it's about 1100 nickels worth you know it's like you could

get um you could get a uh you could get mittens for a cat you know what i'm saying what's he gonna do with that except probably just feel trapped really you know trapped you know what I'm saying what's he gonna do with that except probably just feel trapped really you know trapped you know feel like he's in four little bitty traps I mean anything you want here they got it it's Shanghai baby it's absolutely Shanghai they have every they could they have you can they have you can get soap that will predict the future imagine that you got a bar of soap you shine it up next thing you know. Fucking bad-ass boy. You got that crystal ball action in your dome when you see

yourself maybe getting a job as a wedding planner or event planner and you never knew it before. And all you did was crack in to a bar of suddy suds. Anything's happened. They got it all. All, man. We took a train um took a train over to

a place called shaman shal shalman and and the train is nice when you're going through the countryside and you see i can't even they got all so many buildings all look exactly the same a lot of buildings there's no windows in them there's no people there's nothing and apparently like when you buy a building here you can buy, you buy the building

that's it, you buy like the walls everything else you put in and when you leave you can take it all with you i'm talking everything um and you just see i mean thousands of buildings like that just sitting off into the countryside um no wasted space near shanghai there's not an inch of wasted space i mean if you know like uh every you know you'll have a gymnasium, then you'll have a garden. Then you'll have a cemetery. I actually didn't see any cemeteries.

So they must do cremation, do they? Bro, you're dead. You're not fucking getting, you're not getting 12 square feet. You're out of your mind. But it's just, it's amazing. Yeah, the train ride was beautiful. I even wrote some notes, man, just because there's been so much going on.

And there's everything outside. There's everything. There's like, there's, you know, they got fancy businessmen come here. You know, and they have sex tourism, sex tourists. People come here looking for sex and doing exotic sex.

And the kind of stuff where, you know, I'm talking circus of sex. You know what I'm saying? Somebody will trapeze off the side of a building and just land on your dick or land up in your crotch. You know what I'm saying? You can have a dude backflip off of a fucking, you know, you can pay a dude $40, backflip out of a treehouse, and land in your ass. It's that kind of thing. It's just sheer magic.

And they have everything you want. They have flavor, they have edible socks, dude. You know what I'm saying? So you wear your socks all day, next thing you know, you break them bitches off, throw them in the skillet, ta-dao. That's fucking foot bacon, baby. Cut two slices of that and you're in bed and you're ready for the next day. Nothing goes unused here, man. I realized how wasteful I am. Dude, I saw a man pick his nose. Okay. And then feed it to a cat. that is that is china in a nutshell for me that's china man gets in there

and gets out a clean little freaking you know that baby body orb you know that little bugua and then gave that bitch to a cat nothing is off limits in china you know i'm saying that's a fucking that dude pulled a little baby salisbury fucking steak out of his nostril and just fed it to a cat that's i mean that's damn that's that cat caviar when you drop in boog boogs into a feline. And that's China. And I'm not saying that to denounce China or to shame. I'm saying that it's just everything is of use. There is no waste here.

You see somebody spit out of a window. You see a thirsty person just catch it in their mouth. It's like that. It's teamwork. And it's really teamwork. It's teamwork to the, and it's really teamwork. It's teamwork to the end. Everything is used. You know, everything is used, man. It's remarkable.

And the people, man, I can't tell if the people are rude or friendly or shy or confused or they just don't care. You know, I notice as an American, sometimes we go places and I'm having some water. I notice as Americans, we go places and we're so like, like it's not really about, you know, we're just so worried about ourselves that if someone doesn't interact with us, it seems like, oh, is, you know, is something wrong with me? Do they not like me?

I think in China, they don't even fucking think about us. They don't care. You know, they don't not care, but it's just they're living their lives, man. They're just cruising. You know, definitely it's, what is it? It's just, they're living their lives, man. They're just cruising. You know, definitely it's, what is it? It's just baffling. You know, it's baffling, dude. But they have everything here, man.

They got a hat that can spell check. Imagine that, dude. Imagine having a fucking hat on, not being able to spell, but Dow. To Dow, motherfucker. Now you are John Irving. Now you are anyone you want to be. Michael Crichton. Shel Silverston.

You know what I'm saying? The giving tree, bitch. I got fucking vowels on my head. I got constant. It's fucking dripping off the back of my neck. You got a hat that can spell check. They have, imagine every product that's ever been, you know, we get products. fucking dripping off the back of my neck. You got a hat that can spell check. They have, imagine every product that's ever been,

you know, we get products in America that are made, you know, and it's finished, it's a finalized product, and it's all attached and all the advertising. Dude, they got shit here. They got a scarf that'll kill your cousin. Imagine that. You got that nasty cousin. Because everybody got that nasty cousin, you know? The kind of cousin that'll pick his nose, show it to a cat, but then have it for himself. You know what I'm saying? He'll just boog up his own throat. But now

they got a secret scarf. And you give that thing you know for christmas or for hanukkah or for you know uh botswanaka or whatever uh kwanzaa sorry you know you give him that hitter you give him that fucking neck piece and he's wearing it for two three weeks you know he's at the bar he's fucking you know doing whatever nasty cousins do if you got a nasty cousin you know what i'm saying he's probably doing crazy shit like you know um painting is you know maybe putting like uh you know um what would a nasty cousin do probably painting uh racial slurs on his legs and stuff and even having pants, but even just knowing that under his pants he's got all these racial slurs on his legs.

What would a nasty cousin do? You know, probably, when a parent gives their baby the bottle and the baby's enjoying the bottle in the other room, the nasty cousins sneak in and have a, you know, have about maybe three ounces of that milk. And the baby's only got six ounces. And they got this nasty cousin in there fucking swigging down 50% of that leche. Come on. So now you give him that, you give him that scarf and he thinks it's,

you know, he thinks it's just a unique scarf. You know, he thinks it's that fucking, just tensile for your neck. It's that, it's that, that year long tensile. You know, he thinks it's that fucking, just tensile for your neck. It's that year-long tensile. You know, it's that year-long tensile for your fucking neck. But then, put out, suddenly he's taking a walk and you got a button at home. That one button, you press it and that

scarf just chokes the motherfucker out. And that's the kind of shit they have here in China, man. They got everything. You know? They got everything, you know? They got everything. And I'm just trying to feel like how they communicate. They don't, it seemed to me, and look, this is all my perception,

and my, you know, and I don't have 20-20 perception. I got about maybe 17-20. So, but they don't, it seemed like they don't communicate much between each other like in america we're always we're like you know we're always coming we're always you know uh it seems like there's more communication between us than there is here here it's just this kind of group thing that happens um there's a line there's a line for everything there's a line where you

you're you are in line basically in china you get in line and then you stay in line your whole life and then you die and that's just how it is you know and even when you die there's like a line to get into heaven like you know somebody could die sun ling you know your boy sun ling could die here you know get get bit by by a venomous snake and uh and next thing you know he dies but then he comes back next thing you know, he dies. But then he comes back to life four hours later because the line to get into heaven was too long.

Reincarnation's backed up. Yeah, it's bottlenecking over there in the reincarnation portal. It's bumper to bumper. The cops are doing breathalyzers over there. So it's just... What else is it like here? The food, I mean, because that's something that we think about, is very, man, they had a dude on the train. So I'm on the train and, you know, we're over there and we're riding and this dude opened up a sack of straight

up cat i mean this had to be cat look here it smelled like cat piss like somebody had taken you know made sticks out of cat piss them cp stackers, bruh, you know, it seemed like, it seemed like somebody had found a way to, um, make a, just a long, you know, just a long face hitter out of some straight cat piss, you know, a little bit of that feline juice juice, and, uh, and this, man man i've never smelled anything so bad in my life and dude you go to like they have all these packet like bro you could get a fucking gizzard you could get it in the neck of anything boy the chinese will eat the chinese wheat when i was growing up um you know they had a lot of like a lot of black. My black friends would eat. They'd eat all kind of wild stuff, you know, hogshead cheese and more. You know, they got kind of, you know, a lot of cracklings and things like that that to me were foreign to me.

But man, the Chinese do. But if you if you got your appendix taken out when you came to after the anesthesia at the hospital, they'd have a motherfucker across the room, boy. You know what I'm saying? One of your little Mandarin amigos, one of your little Cantonese comrades over there just slicing into that thing. You know, like George Costanza into a snicker just plating. He'd have your appendix plated up. You get your tonsils taken out, somebody else is getting a bowl of fucking two-chunk meat soup.

Because that's, nothing is wasted here. And it, but man, it happens fast. You have got to be, this is not a city for the weak. You have to, it take, because anything can happen here. Man, you see, you know, it'll be 2 a.m., you're walking down the street, somebody rappelling off the side of a building, dude, is that Batman practice, is that a burglary, is that a fireman who just put some, anything,

you don't, and you don't know, especially as somebody that speaks English, you can't even ask anybody, you know, you can't even ask anybody, man, so it's just, I'm trying to think of how else to say it, it's just unbelievable, uh, the guys that brought me out, um, Senna Productions, I think they're called, S-I-N-A, um, Brian, uh, Su, Su, Su, I think is how you say his last name he's not even asian that's uh he's um he's an amsterdamian and mormon and uh but it was great man just the hospitality was beyond anything i mean i'd come back here so many amazing people came out um you know i met this dude this beautiful man as he makes waffles out there in Chamon. And they got an island out there.

And this dude's out there slinging waffles, bro. You know what I'm saying? Those are just straight up gridlocked pancakes, baby. And this dude's out there. You know, this dude's out there, you know, slinging them fucking griddle hitters. And it just, you know, so many people came out. People that saw me on Rogan. People that, just nice people.

A lot of people that are here teaching English. That's the top thing it seems like. And man, it was just, you know, and they wanted to just tell me a little bit about the culture. And they were grateful. You know, a lot of really really great americans are over here working and and uh and i'm gonna take i'm gonna think about them when i'm not here um because i'm not you know you know they uh because when when we're not around we need people to think about us sometimes and and it can be when we're not around anywhere when we're not around our family when we're not around our uh our friends we're not around our country you know we want to know that

people think about us and i'm going to think about those people sometimes but yeah it was magical it was magical um and there's also i know i felt a sense of like i didn't feel as much a sense of self-importance here. I know I'm just rambling about China, but look, I'm in dang China, dude. I wasn't here last week, and now I am here. Here, it's about the greater good. There's more of a sense like your family. I feel like people are more into their family means a lot to them. You know, it seemed like people, their province, you know, or their region, very important to them.

Certain food, people would say, oh, this is food from my area, you know, or this is food from, you know, the Hunan province, you know, or this is food. People were just a lot of cultural pride. It feels more like you're part of like a country, like a thing here, like Chinese, like being Chinese, it's a thing. And they are, they have so much history. Dude, these people have been here, you know what I'm saying? If you go, if you read Adam and Eve, right, in the Bible, if you read, if you look back behind the Garden of Eden, there's a, there's just a million Chinese people back there hanging out. You know, it's like the timeline, I mean i mean china these people have been around here and some part of me i felt some part of me felt like they're from another planet and not in a bad way they're not that just that they dude if anybody and joe rogan was talking

about this if you have if you look at their, it looks very like hieroglyphs. It looks like something that somebody would come from far away and make for us. It's drawings and it just seems like secrets, you know, that somebody is showing you their writing. What's been, I'm trying to think what else has been fascinating here. How everything moves. They'll have somebody walking, right? They'll have somebody riding a bike with a child sitting on the back of the bike, not in a seat, just like on the, like on a tire cover. And I'm talking like a nine-year-old and the parent will be riding the bike forward. The child would be sitting sideways with their legs hanging right down by the spokes on their phone, completely oblivious and completely trusting to the parent that the parent is navigating a busy street.

uh vespas scooters uh there are cars all of that going on all these intersections all of it happening and all of it flows without a hitch it's it's unbelievable it's almost like you're in a bloodstream you're in a bloodstream and it's and it is going no matter what it's about what's important for everyone. We are moving forward. So yeah, it's more important. It's not like I'm important. That's what we have in America. I feel like I'm important.

Like I apostrophe important. But here it's about importance. This is what's important for most of us. We all have to move forward. You know, and I know a lot of that sense, you know, you got that communist style here. But it doesn't feel communist. It feels very capitalistic to me. You know, I mean, I've been to Havana.

And that's how some Latino people say Havana. And I say Havana, dude. I don't say Havana. You know, sometimes you meet somebody that pronounces something too, And I say Havana, dude. I don't say Havana. You know, sometimes you meet somebody that pronounces something too fuck, you know. Come on, man. Say it what it is, you know. People are like, uh, oh, I'm from Miami.

Bitch, you're from Miami, bitch. Okay? And your parents are paying you rent while you're over there at the U of the, uh, over there at the U. Over there at the U. The U. You know what I'm saying? People are like, oh, I'm from New Jersey.

Bitch, you're from New Jersey. You know what I mean? You can't. New Jersey. That sounds like a cheese. You're from New Jersey. So it's, you know, it's it's just yeah it's just more about what's important here the greater good everybody's moving forward there seem to be some pride you

know some chinese pride um people definitely excited about americans you know there's that there's excitements about Americans, you know. So it's, you know. I'm trying to think of what else. What else? I took a couple notes here. Yeah, I usually don't write notes, but there's just been dude. It's so much here. It's so much going on. You know, we went up in the tallest building in the world.

You know? Got my lady friend out here. So we went up in the tallest building in the world. Or the second tallest. I don't know, bro. So high. Like, you're like in the clouds. You can feel a cloud go, like, wrapped around the building and scoot off.

Okay. Okay. There you go. A cloud the building and scoot off. Okay. Okay. There you go. A cloud just, and then you're, you know, you can see everything. It's like you're above birds. It just, and not a lot of birds, man. And look, and that's another thing. Nothing goes unused here.

You know what I'm saying, dude? If a bird lands here, it's gonna get fucked up. You know? It's gonna be a soup. You know what I'm saying? This ain't a place where a lot of birds... Like in America, dude, birds mill around. Think about that. In America, birds are taking the day off.

I saw a pigeon one time. I thought it was dead, dude. It was fucking on vacation. Just laying in the fucking park. Like, what the fuck? You're on vacation? You're a pigeon, dude. It was fucking on vacation. Just laying in the fucking park. Like, what the fuck? You're on vacation? You're a pigeon, dude. Birds relaxing. Birds getting fat. Birds complaining.

Birds catching the flu in America. Bird flu. Dude, here. A bird doesn't have time to get sick. They'll cut that dove into a couple of fucking steaks, boy. You know what I'm saying? Do you see somebody with a fucking lip full of flamingo jerky?

It's nothing. Everything gets used here. We're moving forward as a group. You know, there's no... Bro, you couldn't complain here about a bunch of shit. Nobody gives a fuck. There's so many people. We are moving forward.

It's not about, you know, you. It's about us. And you still see like a sense of, you know, people aren't, and these are all my perceptions. And I might be totally wrong. This is just how I feel and see in this brief experience in Shanghai. Or Shanghai or Shanghai. You know, I don't have, you know, I'm taking little bits. I'm not getting, you know, and I wanted to get off into the countryside, man.

I had this, you know, we're on the train and I had this idea of like, and you're on the train and you see like the man on the bike with the hat and the thing going across his shoulders and a bucket on each side, like a teeter-totter on him, you know, a bucket of perfect balance. Balance is key here. Man, everything moves in succession. You can't even, I couldn't explain to you how so much happens and nothing. I didn't see an accident. I didn't see any panic even. That's the thing. There's not a lot of panic here. There's this general sense that

everything is going to happen no matter what. But yeah, it's just been fascinating, man. Everything's for sale. You can get anything you want here. Like I said, you know. You can get a shirt that, you know, you can get a shirt that every now and then will kind of hug you.

You feeling lonely? Put on that fucking tank top, baby. You know what I'm saying. You feeling lonely? Put on that fucking tank top, baby. You know what I'm saying? You feeling lonely? Put on that affectionate sweater. You know what I'm saying? Anything you want, they got it here. Dude, you want extra kneecaps?

Dude, they got them, bro. You get them installed. Plastic surgery out the yin-yang here. You see a dude look like a fucking triceratops bro he got his cousins fucking you know he borrowed you know he had a cousin that died in a fire something took his femurs out and fucking got him installed and it was you know straight out his dome that anything you want six legs and you want to shit silk, you got it, baby. You're a spider now.

You can fucking, dude, anything you want to happen can happen here. They got it all. They got it all. And it's just, it doesn't end. It doesn't end. It's all night and it's safe. Here's the thing. So safe. Bro, I haven't felt

this safe. The only other city that I felt this safe in for me was Toronto. Toronto, you could fall, you could go to sleep in the middle of the street in Toronto, in the middle of a busy street in downtown Toronto. And the cars would slow down as they went by you quietly as to not wake you up. Like that's how safe it is. But you feel safe here. You feel like anything could happen. It's confusing. You don't know what people are saying. People sound angry a lot. I don't know. Just fascinating. Oh, I noticed people want to, they want to engage with you. Like you can feel them looking at you,

but when you look at them, they look away. And it feels like there's a secret in the air. Like everybody, like there's a huge secret going on and you don't know about it. But the truth is there is no secret. It's just this, it's just this human kind of fog that just goes in and out of the existence, just like in and out, like, like China is a lung and it's just constantly just

breathing and expelling and breathing and expelling this sense of mystery that's in the air and it's it's fascinating um it's fascinating man if you haven't been to shanghai i recommend it uh if you're watching on the youtube this shit it looks french as hell i'm sitting here i'm in my hotel room and man these people took care of You know, I got to stay in just some beautiful out here to marry up. Man, the first night I could, I went out on the street. I couldn't handle it. There's children that are awake at 2 a.m. and all the little girls here, they dress up their, the young, their daughters. There's a lot of pride when they, when families take their daughters out and they all let them dress up like princesses. So all the little girls are princesses.

I mean, you know, like in America, sometimes you'll see a girl dressed up like a prince. Every little girl you would see on the street here is dressed like a princess. And so that was kind of cute because suddenly you feel like you're almost like in Disney World. You know, there's this sense of, you know, you can, when you see children, all the children seem very happy.

And that says a lot for a culture. You know, when the children seem to be, you know, very happy. And they're curious. You can see the children be very curious and looking at you. And there's not a lot of white people here. Look, I thought there'd be a ton of white people, a lot of Europeans. No black people. No joke.

I saw two. There was one girl, I think Erin or Erica, that came out to one of the comedy shows. She's a comedian. And one other, I saw a British, a black girl that I believe was British. But yeah, just different, you know, just like, just, you know, fascinating. Very, very, very, very, very fascinating. So what else? Skyscrapers everywhere.

You can see a skyscraper anywhere. You can see a skyscraper anywhere. You can see a skyscraper anywhere. And it's all happening at once. There's just everything. There's absolutely nothing is wasted. You know, somebody could die upstairs and two hours they're serving ribs downstairs. And that's life.

You know, it's about the importance somebody's hungry somebody died let's figure this out it's about important you know not i'm important and i know that's kind of a fucking cheesy thing but whatever dude life's cheesy bro life's cheesy dude open your mouth son you alive open your mouth taste your tongue what's that bro velveta you know what's that that sharp chata what you got in your mouth what you got in your mouth so here i am here i've been this episode also is brought to you by gray block pizza and bronx born pizza One of them is in Los Angeles and one of them is in Bend, Oregon. This episode is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet. Ridge Wallet.

Ridgewallet.com slash Theo. T-H-E-O. And Ridge Wallet has, they got this, imagine that, imagine you have something stuck on your ass, right? And you have to take it all, and it's a wallet. That's what it is, you know?

And it's nice to have, but at the same time, you got this big ass, fucking crazy ass wallet in there. You got pictures from the 8th grade. You got pictures, you know, girls or guys you used to fake. You got pictures of people you never faked, you know, girls or guys used to fake. You got pictures of people you never faked, you know, which is awkward. If you're still carrying pictures from the eighth grade of chicks you wanted to hook up with and you're in your thirties now, then that is, that's not nostalgia. That's illegal, bruh. Okay. Empty the shit out or just get that Ridge wallet, that front pocket carry. It's bulletproof. It's, um's um stain proof you can't stain it because

it's not made of cloth or anything like that it's that hard front pocket carry minimalize minimalize your style put it in the front pocket ridgewallet.com slash theo get that hitter what else man um we'll get into some calls man let. Let's take a few calls. We got some great calls. We got some fan line stuff. We're going to go over some things. I'm happy. I'm feeling fortunate to get this episode off. I want to thank everybody on our Patreon. We had a single mom that came out in Shanghai and I'm going to get a call from her when I'm back in the US. I'm going to get a call this week on the line with her so we can talk to her. Beautiful lady. Beautiful lady. Two children, one and three years old, two little girls. And she took the time off to come out and we got our tickets and

took care of dinner for her and a friend of hers. And man, it was just magical. It was magical to be a part of this scene to come over here and do stand-up. But I would say about 30% of the people that came out were Chinese or looked Chinese. They could have been white people that dyed their hair and dyed their skin kind of light colored. I don't want to accuse anybody of being Chinese. But yeah, I went to an AA meeting. We're not supposed to maybe talk about that, but I went to an AA meeting. I have two years sober.

And that is... Maybe I'll get into that on this episode. I don't know. Maybe I'll get into that next week. Man, just so much. So much happening here. And thank you guys so much for the listenership. That Duncan trussell episode was crazy guys we have some sweet guests that i'm trying to get in right now and if there's

a look if you want to go go hound some guests you know i'm saying i'm trying to get uh russell brand to come in you know i'm trying to get amy schumers to come in you know i'm trying to get uh you know I'm trying to get you know I'm trying to get who else oh Amanda Knox you know what I'm saying that French murderer but she didn't do it so I'm trying to

get every you know I'm trying to get the dark arts and the light arts I'm trying to get it all to happen but if there's somebody you want to come on tell them send them a message on social media say hey you need to go you need to go on these days send them a message on social media say hey you need to go you need to go on these days we make happen what we want to happen you know for so long especially in hollywood i had this idea i'm waiting for these people to do this for me i'm waiting for this i'm

no i'm not doing that shit anymore i've been reaching out to you know guests that i think are neat i want to have come on you know and so and so I guess I just, I'm feeling empowered, man. I'm not wasting this. You know, it's that Chinese infusion, bro. I'm infused, dude. I got that green tea in me. I'm fired up, bro. I got that schezwan.

I got that schezwan in my nuts, bro, in my spine. You know what I'm saying? I'm spraying spice, boy. Pa-pow, pa-pow. I got mace in my special place, dog. You know what I'm saying i'm spraying spice boy papow papow i got mace in my special place dog you know what i'm saying and i haven't masturbated honestly in about 11 days so i'm feeling good about that i'm keyed up on my own seed right now you can probably feel it in me look i don't even know what time it is that's another thing about china what time is it who gives a fuck bro keep it moving keep Keep it going.

Are you doing something? Do something. There's not one overweight. I mean, there might not be food here, but there's not one overweight person here in China. Not that overweight is everything, but there ain't nobody. Look, if you got some extra gristle hanging off of yourself, somebody will come by with a fucking knife and grill that shit up. You can lose weight here, but I swear that one of the reasons they probably do plastic surgery

is they're probably cooking a lot of that shit. You know what I'm saying? They could probably trim my nose down a little bit and have a couple little, you know, at least make one scallop. They could pull at least one scallop

out of my snout for somebody. But we had some calls that came in. I'm happy to be here with you guys. This is this past weekend. I'm going to be in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend. If you know somebody in North Carolina, have them come out.

What are they doing? Nothing? Let's change it. Let's change that shit together. You know, so we can have them come out and I'm going to be there in Raleigh, North Carolina. Where else I'll be coming up?

Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Skyway Theater. Chicago, Illinois, and that's selling out pretty quick, August 16th through the 18th. Zany's in Nashville, September 14th and 15th. And then

just for laughs in Toronto, go and get those tickets and come on and get those hitters. And let them know you got a fellow out there who you want to see. Ghostbusters. Man, I feel excited today. Sometimes I get nervous when I feel excited. You know, I feel like I get nervous to feel good. feel excited. I feel like I get nervous to feel good.

I've been feeling like this a lot recently, man. I've been feeling like... Because I've been working hard in this stand-up for a long time. And even in the past couple of weeks, things have been going better. Things have just been having better opportunities. And I just get nervous. And it's not like... I don't know, man. It's like sometimes you just got to put on that jacket of I can do this.

Because nobody knows if you can or can't. Nobody knows if you can or can't do something. You let them know that. You let them know.. You let them know. They don't just know. I used to think that everybody in the world was thinking, oh, he can't do it. He can't do it.

And that fueled me. It fueled me. Because it was like this chip on my shoulder. But in the end, it's like, if I show up and I can't I don't leave the judgment up to them I don't let them decide

if they think I can or they I can I can and man I don't know maybe I'm infected I might be Chinese man you know and I got some Chinese features bro

I got some Chinese features, bro. I got some Chinese features, man. I got high blood pressure. You know, I got kind of lean eyes. My eyes are real lean in the sockets, man. They used to make fun of me when I was young, actually. But man, it's a blessing to be here. It's a blessing to be here in China. And I would recommend it if you have considered coming. Then I would say

continue to consider that. You can get all tickets at theovon.com slash tour. We got some new Gang Gang shirts coming out this week. You can get all that at theovon.com slash store. And I hate saying my name bro, Theo Von. It's just

let's go to some calls man. You can always hit the hotline [phone] or you can hit the fan line and those are our live raise fan line video questions you can submit a video question and we got a gang of those today too we're going to get into them um here we go on a call that came in here we go and i haven't heard any of these yet uh this one says theo's old friend let's hear who it is all right and that's just me not having the volume on onward what up dude it's crumble all, and let's hear who it is. All right, and let's hear who it is.

What up, dude? It's Crummel. Ain't talking a long time, man. Oh, Crummy Crum, boy. My boy, Robert Crummel. And this... I knew this gentleman in high school, man. Old Crum Dick. My buddy called him Crum Dick all the time. And no real reason. He didn't really

have small pieces of food on his dick or anything like that. His last name was Crummel. And so just Crumb Dick, people would call him that. And he's not a bad person. He's not a dick. It's just like a nickname. You know what I'm saying? Everybody got that nickname. Like we had a dude that had been in a fire.

People call him Sparky, bruh. You know what I'm saying? Everybody's got that crazy nickname. You know, we had a dude that had been in a fire. People call him Sparky, bro. You know what I'm saying? Everybody's got that crazy nickname. You know, we had a dude who, we had a dude, they called him Salty. Because he used to, if he would get scabs and stuff, he would, after gym class when his body would be real sweaty, he would peel his scabs off and eat them when they were salty. And so everybody has a nickname. You know, everybody has something wild.

We had a girl named Tiff, and people thought it was from Tiffany. And I asked her mom one day, is it from Tiffany? Short for Tiffany, she said, no, Tiff. Like, you know, you get into a little argument with someone. I'm like, that's an insane reason to call somebody that. But anyway, go on, Crumb. What's up, baby? Stumbled across your website

seeing you was doing your podcast thing. Just got to remember old days and shit and just wanted to say what's up. That was all. I'm going to see how you're doing, man. At any rate, I'm going to get back to work. I'll talk to you later, brother. Okay.

There you go, man. I hadn't talked to Crummy right there in probably about 15 years. And you probably could have just hit me up on my regular phone, Robert. But, I mean, that's interesting to leave that on the hotline. But, hey, that's how it happens, man. That's how it happens. Good to hear from you, bud. And I hope everything's going good down there.

We used to have this dude in our neighborhood also named Pug. And he was straight up first of the month, dude. He used to listen to Bone Thugs and Harmony all the time. And wake up. And yeah, and then one time somebody invited him over to the house and everybody hit on the roof and shot BB guns at him. You know, and that was on Halloween. And that was the kind of time you could do that when you could shoot a friend, you know, with a non-deadly weapon. And that was Halloween style.

And we would call Pug over and then gun him down, pop, pop off the top of the roof with BB guns, with those small metal hitters, bro. All right, let's hit another call here. The hotline always is 985-664-9503. I didn't tell you that the song at the beginning of the episode was Bishop Gunn. That was Bishop Gunn again. I know I keep going to them. I promise I'm going to listen through the songs. We've had a lot of great submissions.

Here's the problem with music people have submitted. It can't be copywritten. If it's copywritten, I can't use it. Because they'll flag us and they'll take our episode down. Here we go. Let's get another call that came in. Hey, Theo. It's Andrew from Illinois.

What's up, Andrew in Illinois? Thanks for calling, dude. Let's hear more. With you saying your regret from not serving in the military, you know, you shouldn't feel like that. I served seven years in the Marines. Thank you for your service, man. Marines, boy, those boys don't play. I remember I was on some bases doing, you know, some USO-type comedy tours.

And, you know, and all the services do their thing but man the marine boys show up or or women and they man they get it done son marines dude they're like they're like the chinese brother they'll eat each other if they have to you know i'm saying you'll see three marines walk off for lunch two of them come back it's like and the third one was was happy to sacrifice himself dude because it's about that greater good let's hear more and i just want to say you know you're doing your part and you're helping us out with coming back home to a good country you know what i'm saying like you're giving us laughter and you know you're helping out that veteran friend with some money whenever he needs it. You know, 22 of us are killing ourselves every day.

22. Wow, man. Yeah, you know, and that is a, you know, well, thank you for saying some of those things. For one, man, I do realize that my job is freedom of speech. I mean, my job is a direct, a direct freedom. My job is a direct freedom. Like you can't do my job in some countries. You know, my job is freedom of speech.

So people have legitimately died specifically for, not for me, but for my job, for my ability to orate, to speak. And to speak freely. And so, you know, I guess maybe that's why some of that feels heavier to me, but I'm sure a lot of men feel that way. You know, you feel regret. You feel regret.

You feel like you weren't, you know, you weren't strong enough or you weren't good enough to do it. But I appreciate you saying that, that we can find ways to do it. You can help a friend out. You know, it's, and that's such a, that's such a harrowing issue that, that so many veterans are taking their own lives. You know, there's a lot of issues there with that. You know, there's a lot of issues, you know, a lot of them probably aren't getting the help that they need. There's a lot of people claiming PTSD that don't have it. And I'm not accusing people, but I've just heard too many cases.

And I've read too many articles where it's like, now everybody just wants that easy, they want that, oh yeah, PTSD, sure. Let me get that hit. You know, let me get that hit. And not just, and then it's, then it is, it takes away from the pool and the time and the resources that are for men that are actually, and women that are suffering from it. You know, but it's like, how do we figure all that out? A lot of the shit is just that people need to, there needs to be, people need to want to do stuff for themselves. Like one thing I noticed here, man, and this is general speaking for sure, is that there's, people seem excited about their jobs.

It could be a shitty job somebody has here, but they're excited about it. People seem fired and maybe they're just excited because I'm a white, you know, they look at me and money you know they look at me and think oh well here's a tourist but there just seem to be um i don't know america has this malaise we have this infection that we don't want to we don't i wonder sometimes if a country gets so comfortable sorry my email's on if a country gets so comfortable sorry, my email's on. If a country gets so comfortable does an infection get into it of comfort? You know, comfort becomes such an infection

because we adapt, you adapt. We've almost adapted out of the pieces of us that make being a human exciting. We've almost adapted. We've almost gotten so comfortable sometimes in America

that we've that we've, that we've, that we, that there's no, I'm trying to think of what it is. It's like, we don't care about what, yeah, I don't know. I feel like I almost know what I'm saying, but then I don't. We've almost, it's like we've, it's like it becomes an infection. If you get so comfortable, then you don't, you know, there's nothing else. You just, you lose the vigor

and it becomes an infection. And then generation to generation, it goes down. You know, it's like we need something to really make us feel purpose. That's what I'm thinking. You feel like there's no purpose. Like, I don't know, China feels like they have a purpose. You know, there's this vibe in China that I hear about that they feel like that they have inherited the torch of the strongest country.

And they are excited about that and they are moving forward with that. And it's pro-China here. There's no fucking you come over they're trying to make shit you feel comfortable from it it's fucking china you you can't get a citizenship here you're from another country you can't get citizenship here you can be welcome you can be allowed to stay you can be uh granted permissions but and this is from what i've gathered you can't you, you know what I'm saying, like, everybody's all, like, you know, America sometimes wants to be this fucking turnstile,

and that's fine, but you got to organize that, you know, everybody's fucking styling, and nobody's turning anymore, you know, nobody, we, we, we, we gotta have some sense of order, and this shit is about order over here, and, uh, and so there's, you know, I don't know, I mean, obviously, I'm fucking, I've just turned into a Chinese person, totally giving up on my home country, I'm not saying that, but it's definitely been interesting, and it makes me wonder, I don't know, it just makes me think, I guess, and feel, let's hear the more of this call. I'm sorry to keep interrupting you, brother. So, you know, you're looking out and you got his six, man. So don't feel bad, you know.

You're doing your thing. I just wanted to say, you know, I appreciate the podcast. You're doing great things. Gang, gang, gang. Gang, gang, baby boy. Gang, gang. And, yeah, we're trying to move it on. We're trying to move it on, but I appreciate you saying that.

We had another call in here about military. I appreciate you saying that, you know, that I'm trying to do something and be a part of something. You know, we had another call here about military. Here we go. Hey, Theo, this is Tamim. I was listening to your podcast about the 29-year-old virgin and I had to pause it in the middle of the podcast to leave this comment for you. What got me a little triggered was your remark that dudes in the military or guys and ladies that serve in the military, their votes should count for more. I mean, listen. I mean, listen.

Right, and that's a comment last week. I said that if you serve in the military, your vote should count for more than if you haven't. And that got you triggered. Let me hear more. My vote should definitely count for more because I'm a true badass. But, unfortunately, there's lots of dummies that are in the military, too. And they vote this way, that way, any other way. Who the hell knows?

I worked with a ton of them. They were completely retarded. I don't know if I can say the R word, but I said it anyway. You can say it again. It's okay. If you say it to a person that is retarded or around them or their family, I mean, it's not going to go over well

and you're going to suffer the repercussions of it, but you can say it. It's okay. Onward. And, you know, look, there's just just people like everybody else it's a job we do uh don't feel regret for not joining man it just wasn't your path uh you're doing way better stuff now i sincerely mean that i love your podcast dude i just discovered you like maybe a week ago i think you're hilarious dude you're now one of my favorite comedians

uh keep doing what you're doing and uh my favorite comedians keep doing what you're doing and you know I'll keep doing what I'm doing alright brother take it easy well that was a nice message man and thanks for your service you know and that's a nice thought from inside of inside of a military mind

you know that they look at us and are grateful for people that are, that they don't hold it against us, I guess, if we don't serve in the military. So thanks for saying some of that, man. Because I think a lot of guys feel like that. I have a buddy that's in there and he had a son. I think he just had a son about eight months ago.

And I got another friend over there who lives in virginia and he's got two daughters and he's a he's a seal um and uh and you know he has to go away on these trips and stuff and it just really you know i can't imagine what that's like and and the women who have to support you know in the whatever or the spouse who's not there who's not you know going on these um you know when you go out and fight or go out and serve um i don't know what they call it's like it's not vacation and you know it's like a fight it's like a vacation but you have to fight and work so i don't know what that's called um deployment sorry but. But yeah, just leaving their family,

just that separation, that's a real thing. It's a real thing. I watched some of my friends go through that. It's intense. It's powerful to see their wives, both of them are guys, to see their wives that stay home

and really learn to be a wife, learn to be a father and a mother while they're gone. It's fascinating, man. It's pretty fascinating. But thanks for saying that, dude. Thanks for saying that. Yeah, so you're saying there's a lot of idiots in there that don't deserve it. You know what they're starting to do or what I'm hearing about here? First of all, in China, they have facial recognition is coming in hot.

They're going to be able to know everyone wherever they are. Everyone. And you think, oh, really? Is it going to be effective? Dude, shit here is effective. They have one app. Everybody uses something called WeChat and they use it for everything. Use it to text. Use it to buy food. You pay for your bill. You order food. You order a taxi. It's all in one

thing. There's no a million ad. There's none of that shit. You can't do Instagram here. I can do it through AT&T through like a VPN or whatever, but I can't, they don't have a Facebook. You can't do it through their wifi. Right. So, um, but they are going to have a thing soon where you were going to have like a score, almost like on black mirror that shows how you are as a, I guess, as a person, you know, that's going to like evaluate you. Um, and sometimes I think we need something like that in America. It's's like so that way you know if somebody is a fucking slug and they're not doing anything or not pulling their weight you know and you know if you are i guess i guess it's not more about knowing that somebody else is it's just it's something that's like we need something to light our fire to to you know we

need like it's just like it's hard to get a whole country to move forward. It's hard to go onward when you have so many anchors that are just stagnant. It's like, how do you fix, how do you, how do you remedy that when there's just so many fucking Muppets out there, you know, just, you know, drinking each other's breast milk for fun. It's just, how do you remedy that? How do you solve it? You know, it's like, and we can't help everybody. We can help most people, I believe, but I don't think we can help everybody. We have this thing sometimes in America, it's like, I guess I'm thinking about America because I'm not in it right now. You know me, I'll step outside, dude. I'll talk about us, then I'll step right outside of the building and point a finger at you, you know? So that's what I'm doing right now.

But it's just like we're always trying to help the lowest common denominator. And people, like, there should, yeah, how do you start to know if people want to help themselves? Because there's a lot of people that are alive that don't even act like they want to be it. You know? And what I'm saying is, dude, if that's your case, bro, check on out. You know? Come to China. They do reincarnation here.

You know what I'm saying? Check yourself out. You could be a Bambi in an hour. You could be a toad. You could be a, you know, you could be anything. You could be a giraffe. You could be whatever you want. But thanks for those calls, man.

Those are our follow-up calls from last week about military. You know, and I don't know if that changes my thoughts really on should. You know, there's just something about the fact that if you serve to me, if there were a vote anyway, I would be willing to say, well, I think that those people should be allowed to, they've earned a higher ability to vote, a higher percentage of vote. But then I also think if somebody graduated high school, then they should be able to maybe have a higher percentage of vote. You know, it's definitely. But then maybe that maybe that I don't know enough to know if that ruins the idea of democracy. You know, I don't know enough. Let's hear another call that came out of the hotline.

Here we go. Hey, Theo, this is Dylan. I'm out here in Tohoku, Texas, welding on this gas line. Oh, you're out there welding on a gas line, bro? Well, I'm not smart, but that does not sound wise, dude. Think about that. You're welding on a gas line, bro. Come on.

Onward. But I want to see the latest episode and a guy called in uh who liked getting his dick sucked twice a day right

oh yeah that man called in he was a contractor he said he spent $1,500 a week for somebody to rock his cock around in their mouth

you know for somebody to freaking uh vacuum up his bus busts come on guy that seemed like a lot of money to me uh it seemed like You know, for somebody to freaking vacuum up his bus busts. Come on, guy. That seemed like a lot of money to me. It seemed like an addiction to me.

That's me judging him, but that's what it seemed like a little bit. But let's hear more. He's paying for it. So I wondered, I mean, I agree with what you said. It seems like it's working for him and it's working for these ladies. So I was thinking you're trying not to masturbate. Yep, and I think I got 11 days right now, man. And that's another reason why I'm feeling nutty.

You know what I'm feeling? I feel like I got pecans in my stomach, boy, because I got that nut. That thing is built up, son. You know what I'm saying? I'll stare through a fucking peach right now. I got that shang. I got that yin-yang inside of me, boy. My dick will fucking karate kick its way through a fucking weak fence.

I could do something right now, bruh. You feel me? I'll pet a dog with my fucking eyelashes, bruh. I haven't masturbated in 11 days and my chi is like... I get cheed up, boy. They call me Chester Cheetah, bro. You know what I'm saying? I'm cheed. Dude, I'll fucking run through a village, bro. I'll run through a village and lick somebody's fucking neck. I'm fired up, boy, because I got that nut. I got that nudie nudie, bruh I got the Lord's garbanzo beans fucking just stacking up inside of my fucking nuts let's hear more and when you're paying a hooker you're like masturbating with them with their bodies

right so you know I thought that was interesting. I wondered why, really, if you don't want to masturbate. But it's kind of the same thing he's doing, except he's paying money to have somebody do it for him. And maybe that's hard to connect with actual people and, like, find love and stuff if you're, you know, getting a dick snuck twice a day and he's jerking off a lot. But I just wondered why you were down with that. And I wonder, you know, how that fit in with you trying not to jerk off or whatever. So I love your shit, man.

Keep your head up. Thank you, man. Thanks for the call. You know what? I think I'm okay with prostitution being legal. You know, I'm okay. That doesn't mean I'm okay with sex trafficking. I'm not into any of that kind of shit.

But I'm okay with prostitution being legal. I'm okay with it. I think that it serves a purpose. I think there are people that can do it in a healthy mindset. I think that, you know, that I think it's okay. Now, I don't think addiction to anything is super healthy. And I think we all find ways to check out. So we don't have to do stuff.

You know, for me with masturbation. And I haven't talked about this in a while, you know. And I've been struggling a lot, man, over the past couple months with like, you know, I'll get, you know, I'll be by myself at night and I'll get this, you know, I'll get this feeling like I want to do something. You know, I want to do something. I don't know if it's bad or here it is. It's not that I want to do something. It's that I feel uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel uncomfortable so i'm that uncomfort manifests it wants to get out of my body and it's like a vulture that just wants to jump right out of my

just right out of my heart and the vulture always wants to do something bad you know and so i'll find myself you know looking at escorts or thinking about pornography. And I haven't been doing pornography, but I'll be thinking about it, you know. But then next thing you know, you know, I'll end up down some wormhole. And then, you know, I'm drawing pictures of pussy or something. Or, you know, I'm mad. Like, you know, a buddy of mine actually this is crazy this dude he used to make this little recipe back in the day you know whenever we would you know after we

had met some girls and you know when you're young a girl will let you touch her crotch and look ladies i want to say this on behalf a lot of the men out there thank you but it starts to once you touch it after that you don't really want to touch anything else except more crotch and so you're constantly men are constantly nervous with their hands after that because the only place they really want to put their hand is in a crotch and they can't do it because you can't just run around just hiding your hands in people's crotches you know what i'm saying this ain't you know and just you can't you know your hand ain't punks a tiny feel you can't say your hand saw its shadow and then hid in a woman's crotch that shit ain't gonna cut it bro i ain't gonna hold up in court you're gonna go to jail and you probably get your hands cut off here in china

but anyhow what i'm what i'm getting at here What am I getting at? What's it talking about? Oh, hookers and masturbation. So, yes, I want to do something with my hands. I can't remember what I was talking about. I'll go back in time. Something will happen. I want to do. I want to.

Yeah, you know, like. Oh, so women, once you do that, then after that, that's all we want to do. We want to touch more crotch. So anyway, a buddy of mine, he used to make this recipe of like, he had a couple different ingredients. I'll have to look back and remember what it was. And it would smell like crotch. And he would take it, you know, a couple of these ingredients and put them in a little mixing bowl or whatever and put it in the microwave or sometimes even put it in the oven. If he was making a little bit of fucking Christmas cooter, you know what I'm saying?

And it would smell like crotch, bro. It was unbelievable. I mean, it was really, really neat. Because you don't think somebody could just do that. You know, this man was like a perfume. I mean, that's the most french thing i've ever heard of you know firing up a batch of of a microwave what i say but he would do it he would he would create this thing and it had that you know that stench because look and i know this

is vulgar but there's a you know we're guttural we are we are um that is something that is in us. You know, you want to, you know, it's, it's, it's, it is vulgar. It's innocent, but it's, it's, it's what got us here is that, you know, the scent of, of a woman, the scent of, of sex, the scent of desire, the scent of, of something that draws you forward. It's a scent of anything. It can be, you know, it can be a flower. It can be any, it's, it's what draws you forward. It's a scent of anything. It can be a flower. It can be anything. It's what draws you. It's what moves you. And this man could make that scent.

He could make that scent of crotch. And he'd fire up a batch and we'd fucking just... I mean, we'd inhale so much, dude. This one boy, boy Jeffrey passed out and we're like damn Jeffrey that dude could end up being a damn rapist you know a rapist

because if he you know there's no reason to be inhaling that fast with a little bit of scent in the air and you can't even fucking keep your life in line you can't even keep your act together but do I see a difference between the two? That that man was doing that and he was hiring hookers twice a day to blow him? I see, here's all, if something, if he's calling me asking me if I think that's an unhealthy behavior,

does he really just want to ask himself and he's not giving himself a an honest answer is he just getting a second opinion does he already know that it might not be and he just wants to hear somebody else say it you know here's the thing i feel like if you can't stop something then it's an unhealthy behavior that's what i think if it controls you if you're not in control dude then what the fuck and i'm not saying that at you brother i'm just saying that you know that's when it's unhealthy and for me you know masturbation has not been and watching pornography over the years has been an unhealthy tool for me it started out unhealthy you know it you know i got a lot of it confused with, you know, where my troubles still struggle these days is, you know, if I get in love, you know, I have problems with sex.

Because there's just a lot of confusion in there. There's a lot of uncomfort, you know, and so that's a place where i still battle with and that's really you know i mean i'm still seeing some therapists about that and that's a place where i still need honestly to do a lot of work in those areas um and and it's tough it's tough because you know what the worst part is for me and i know you didn't ask about a lot of this i don't think but i'm just kind of rambling i mean hell i hell, I'm in China, dude, so I can be different over here if I want to or even not even be different. I don't know if I am. But, you know, the hard part is wanting to do that work.

You know, wanting to get better when you know that something is wrong. And look, if you guys are saying, look, man, if you jerk off once in a while, there's nothing wrong with you. That's true. But that's not what my thing is. My thing is that over the years, I would look at pornography. Anytime I had to interact with a woman in a real scenario,

a lot of times, instead of doing that, I would just go masturbate or look at pornography. It would kill off the desire to then go meet with a girl or take a girl out on a date or do anything really, a lot of times. And so then that became just a unhealthy pattern for me. And it also was a protector because it's like, oh, well, I don't have to go talk to her. I don't have to take any risk of actually falling in love or any risk of putting myself out there into another person's heart because I'm going to kill that. I'm going to cut that risk right off here at the pass, at the emotional fucking pass. I'm going to cut that risk off by shutting my, by physically stopping the desire because your emotions, your emotions and your physicality,

it works in conjunction. You know? I mean, your nuts are connected straight to your heart, and so you got to fucking find, you got to be careful. You can't just be playing those chords all night. You can't be just busting some fucking C flats on those nut heart strings.

You got to be careful. And you got to keep them tuned. Because otherwise you can get caught up. And that's where I've been. And that's how a lot of the dark arts started for me. Was being out there. I appreciate you calling and having me think about this. Let's go to one of our LiveRays fan line questions.

You can submit those on LiveRays. Get LiveRays the app. It's free. It's free to submit LiveRays. Get LiveRays. The app is free. It's free to submit the fan lines. These are videos so you can see these on YouTube as well. If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe. Hit the subscribe button. Don't be a pervert, man. You're a pervert. You're watching some dude

on YouTube and you're not subscribed, bro. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Let's hear it. What's going on, Theo? My name's James. I'm from Monterey, California. Thanks for calling in, James from Monterey.

That's John Steinbeck country. And John Steinbeck was up there fucking with anchovies and writing. Let's hear more. I'm a security guard. Hell yeah, boy. Dude, I used to have this sketch I wanted to do about an insecurity guard, and it was just like, oh. He was just hiding behind like a, you know,

like hiding in an alley behind a dumpster just hoping nothing bad was happening. An insecurity guard, you get it? Okay, that was stupid. Onward. Hey, I caught a fugitive that was wanted by the federal marshals um i was wondering if you've uh done anything heroic that you were really proud of damn you caught a fugitive dude that's awesome a fugitive sounds like pretty much the fanciest criminal you can be some criminals are like hey man i uh stole this i'm a thief and And some other, then a big dog rolls up and he goes, you a thief, bitch?

I'm a fugitive. Oh, fuck. Here come a couple of fugitives. Have I ever done anything heroic? You know, when I sit, when I had, I found two fingers in the woods one time when I was young. Somebody cut off their fingers either with a sling blade or with a sword or something. I don't know. We found two fingers, a peace sign, me and one of my buddies, and we gave it to the police.

That's not heroic. One night I was trying to get a blowjob from this girl that was on the swim team. And we didn't say she was on the swim team because she gave blowjobs. That'd be funny, you know. If a girl gave you a blowjob or even a guy and he like swallowed all the time, people are like, you know know they're on the swim team um wow a lot of bad jokes here in china tonight uh but the thing was this the thing was this um oh so i i you know i heard you know everybody heard that she gave blow jobs and that was the

kind of dude as soon as somebody gave one blow job you heard it i mean that was the kind of, dude, as soon as somebody gave one blowjob, you heard it. I mean, that was, you know, it was like Paul Revere, you know. I mean, it was that kind of style. So anyway, I took her out to this boat dock. I picked her up one night, and I'd stolen my mom's car. And I went and picked her up. And, man, we were out there. I put on some Travis Tritt or something or some um you know maybe a little bit of uh george straight or something just whatever the uh it was they used to have this

this thing on the radio it's called crying loving or leaving and you would put it on the radio and they would um just play country music and people could call in and make requests anyhow me and this girl i put on some country music we're out there slow dancing bro and we got the wind and we're out by this huge boat launch it's like a um this was in madisonville louisiana and they got this huge boat launch and we're the only car out there and uh and suddenly a car and we're out there slow dancing dude and this girl had some fucking hips on her bro she was built like a fucking barrel with small tits. And I'm just like, man, all I'm thinking about, dude, I'm so erect, bro. My dick is climbing up my rib cage, bro.

That thing, like, I'm so erect, my dick starts kind of peeking out of the top of my shirt, bro. That's how erect I was, bro. I was fully erect. And that's when you, dude, you could get so erect, your penis could be like 19 inches long sometimes. You're like, what the fuck? One of your legs would disappear and just, your dick would just grow a foot out the top of it. You know, just crazy times being young. And she and I are slow dancing and suddenly a car goes across the parking lot right off the boat launch.

And it bounced kind of on the water top and just ended up out in uh oh shit is this audio popping the whole time jesus i don't know um and it just went it bounced off the water because it was probably going about 40 miles an hour right off into the water and then it sunk and it sunk probably about 15 feet away from the shore. So now she and I, and this is a huge parking lot by a boat launch, and she and I are the only people out there. There's not, it's a half mile to get to anything. There's a bar about a half mile away.

So she and I jump in my mom's car and ride across the boat launch right across the parking lot we pull up park the car so the headlights are facing out on the water and you can see the car now is completely submerged in uh the lake in the lake poncher train and so she and I run to the end of the boat dock that's there and we got to get in i mean this car is underwater you know you can still see the headlights of the car that went underwater are near the top of the water but they're still a couple feet down and they're still on the headlights are still on so we're scared man we're spooked you know we spooked up you know we spooked up like a couple of fucking um

you know like a couple of uh like a couple of frogs you up like a couple of fucking, you know, like a couple of frogs, you know, like a couple of frogs playing with fireworks. We're scared. And so we get down to like our skivvies really and we got to get in this water. And I'm like, all right, let's get in. And she goes, on the count of three. And I'm thinking like the count of three fucking somebody's drowning you don't do one two three jump in the water when somebody's drowning you fucking just jump in i'm saying the dumbest shit ever and this girl was on the swim team this girl was on the

actual swim team not doing blow jobs and swallowing she was on the actual swim team you know and she was also doing blow jobs but she was not that's not why people said that she was on the actual swim team, you know, and she was also doing blowjobs, but she was not. That's not why people said that she was on the actual team that had a group that went to other places and swam against other groups of people that wanted to swim. And so next thing you know, she's like one, two, I jump on three. She doesn't jump. Now I'm in the water by myself. I'm swimming over. I get onto the car, you know, because you can kind of get onto the, now I'm standing

on the top of the car that's submerged underwater and I got to go down. I have to, you know, I go underwater, hold my breath, go underwater. The driver's side window is open. I reach in the car. Nobody's in the driver's seat. So I'm like, fuck, you i'm like fuck you know somebody you know they got knocked around or whatever i i go back up get another breath of air go down again feel around in the passenger seat and they had um they had what i think and this might sound crazy they

had a ham somebody had a seasonal ham right there. You know, you could get one of those big hams. Remember, they used to have that show Supermarket Sweep. And the thing you had to get was the Farmer John hams. Them things was worth $30, $32. And man, you'd see, you know, your teammate would be running around. And this was a game show where two people would go to a supermarket and they would run around and get a bunch of shit into a cart. And they would get money for doing it.

It was the greatest game show ever. Basically one of the greatest games ever played next to maybe NFL football. And the teammate would always be at the front by the register yelling, get the helm. Get the helm. Get the ham! Get the ham! Get the ham! So anyway, in the passenger seat, I swear to God, they had a Farmer John ham right in there.

And I touched that thing, bro. It was this cold fucking big ham. And I thought it was a... And we're talking pitch black. I'm underwater it's night time it's night time it's 930 at night you know and all my you know like I'm scared

I'm erect dude and you know you got some meat on you if you were erect and possibly possibly could be finding a dead body and that was that young cat when you was that young cat. When you had that young cat, boy, you'd be erect.

Boy, you could be fucking digging graves and staying erect. And so anyway, I touched this ham or whatever it was, and I think it was definitely a ham. And I got sick. I thought it was a body. I thought it was a shoulder. I thought it was a head. I thought it was an ass cheek.

I thought it was all of it. I thought it was a big, huge knee that was a shoulder. I thought it was a head. I thought it was an ass cheek. I thought it was all of it. I thought it was a big huge knee that was swollen. Maybe somebody broke their knee in the crash. And they had a huge swollen knee that felt like a ham. I thought all this shit. So I start vomiting. Just out of fear. Just vomiting underwater.

So now I come back out of the water. I get out. I can't hold my breath anymore to go back down. There's somebody in the car. I swim out. I can't hold my breath anymore to go back down. There's somebody in the car. I get, I swim out. I tell the girl, you know, who put her clothes back on. What the fuck? You're on the swim team. Get the hell. So now we jump in my mom's car, right? And I'm nervous because the car seat's getting all wet because I'd stolen, I'd taken my mom's car. She didn't know. I don't have a driver's license. I'm not allowed to use her car. And I drove nervous because the car seat's getting all wet because I'd taken my mom's car. She didn't know. I don't have a driver's license.

I'm not allowed to use her car. And I drove up. We drove up. We ran to a bar. They had a bar called T-Rivers. And it might still be there, dude. It was a great place to get fucking pink eye, really, in the summer, which you don't see that much. And that was a strong strand, boy, right off that Chifuncta River.

You catch pink eye in the summer off the Chifuncta, bitch. I mean, I'm talking the kind of pink eye that would make your fucking throat hurt. You know, that strong shit. And anyway, I ran inside the bar. I'd never been in there. And I'm yelling. There's a car went off. A gray car went off into the water.

People come out of the bar. About four people in there. Probably all alcoholics. Because it was not a night where anybody should be out drinking. And they all got in their cars. And now they're all drunk driving back up to the place. Everybody gets out in the water. Now there's like five people out in the water looking.

Somebody goes back in the car underwater. Nobody's in there. They say they don't feel anybody. I see cop lights in the distance. I get scared. Me and my girl, you know what I'm saying, that swim teamer, we jump in my mom's car and I take her home and drop her off. No blow job.

And she actually moved away. She moved away to a different state like about a month later. So that fucking sucked. And it turned out somebody just did the uh there was never a body in there somebody had done it for insurance money they'd like you know started the car earlier and put a brick on it or whatever and sent it off into the water so so i was never a hero i was never a hero uh and that shit cost me a blow job dude somebody trying to catch that insurance and those are the types of people

that are fucking shit up in the world you know those are the type of people that say oh I'm important you know I'm important I'm gonna get this insurance money I'm gonna get this hit I'm gonna fake this PTSD I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this you know

it's like we need hitters we need people that's moving forward but thank you for calling on that fan line let's take another fan line question uh from our libraries fan line here we go my question is why is it hard for me why do i get so nervous when i talk to very pretty girls very attractive young ladies. I just don't. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I don't know why you do, but I know why I did, bro.

Because I put them on a pedestal. I didn't stand a chance with them before I even walked up to them. I thought that just because they were pretty that they were more than that as well. That they were everything. more than that as well. That they were everything. You know, I'd always felt, and the prettiest woman,

or the woman that I always felt was the prettiest since birth, my mother, you know, she left feelings of rejection inside of me. And I don't even know if she did it on purpose. I don't think she did. But those feelings lived inside of my soul at a deep level that I couldn't access and that I still can't.

But inside of me, that made me feel that the woman that I felt cared for the most didn't want me or didn't care for me. So then when I put a woman on a pedestal and that woman, even in just a moment, becomes the woman that I care for the most. I can't communicate with them. I feel rejected by them. I feel negative. I feel because it was the same.

That feeling, that's when that feeling that's inside of me that was left by my relationship with my mother, that's when that thing kind of surfaces a little bit. Because it's the only template I have is that the woman that I thought was the most beautiful and always would in my soul, my mother, the one we all feel that way about our mother. If they, if there's rejection from them, then for me, this is what I find. And when I would put a woman on a pedestal, I would feel that rejection again. You know, and I would not be able to talk to him. I would not be able to have a voice because the woman that I cared for the most didn't allow me to have a voice or didn't help me express myself.

didn't help me express myself. And so therefore, women, future women that I care about, I wouldn't be able to express myself around. So that's just for me, man. For you, I don't know. It could be some of that. You sound like a caring guy.

You know, you called in here to think about it with me. So obviously you're caring. But I think approaching women first to have a friend. Don't think like, I would be like, fuck. About to walk over and see if this bitch wants to be my wife. Fuck no. You know how much pressure that is for a woman? They don't even know. And now some man wants to marry

them just because they're pretty? That's crazy. That's crazy. And the last thing I want to be around my whole life is a miserable, is a girl that's pretty and the last thing I want to be around my whole life is a miserable is a girl that's pretty but is miserable I don't give a fuck dude I don't care how pretty you are you know what I'm saying

if you're so pretty but that's all it is that would be my worst nightmare I don't even want to be in an Uber pool with that bitch you know but uh thanks for calling brother onward oh my name is alex and i was wondering if there's any advice you could offer up regarding a loved one who sleeps loud when i say that i mean he like snores and yells in his sleep at this this point, anything helps.

Okay, so you got that loud sleeper. You know what I'm saying? You got that fucking Benjamin Barksdale. You got somebody being loud next to you while you're trying to sleep. First of all, that's insane. Do you know that? That's an early warning sign of insanity. Somebody who, when other people are trying to sleep, is violent in their sleep.

You know what I'm saying? I was eating this girl. She liked to wake up in the middle of the night and catch a fucking handful of Skittles in the face. Come on. You know, she wanted to eat Skittles. She'd keep a bowl of Skittles by the bed and just drop them S-Kittles into her throat out of a dead sleep.

Always fighting in her sleep. Sweating. It's wild, man. It's wild. They got some violent sleep. Sweating. It's wild, man. It's wild. You know, they got some violent sleepers out there. They got fucking people out there sleeping in Vietnam. I'm like, damn, where are you sleeping in? Vietnam?

Come get tightened up. If he's allowed, shut him down. Put him in the other room. And I would also try him on different sides of his body. If he's allowed, roll him on his side. his body if he's loud roll him on his side if he's loud again roll him on the other side he's got four sides try all four if he's violent maybe tape his legs together tie his legs together you know you can also try some of that um metamucil you know what i'm saying metamucil uh makes you have to go to the bathroom and do number twos.

And if you're on that metamucil, look, you're not going to sleep real heavy. Because your butthole is going to be real alert. Because, dude, look, man, your butthole gets alert. It feels like your booty wants to whistle. But then it is. It's number twos. You're doing number twos. And so that metamucil will do that.

So maybe put them on a little bit of Metamucil. But thank you for calling there about that loud sleeper, man. Come on, people sleeping fucking loudly? Get it together, dude. Get it to fucking gather. You're a loud sleeper, you asshole. How much more selfish could you be? Tell them to tighten up, baby.

You tell them I said it. Let's take another call here this from george davis hey theo this is george from texas man i just wanted to say thanks for all your laughter you provide it's uh really helping me get through a tough time right now in my life um oh you're welcome george man you know it's the least i can do man this is my service i guess you know we're being a part of this world and thank you for calling in because this is us this is us man more man see like a lot of other people I uh you know work my ass off trying to find a place to buy and move into eventually and it was a cabin up in uh southern Colorado so oh you got that so cold that's so cold that southern colorado cabin huh

that sounds good dude i'll let a fucking carp jump in my just jump into my one of those sacks you catch them carp sacks and people catch exotic uh mountain lions and shit out there and you could hunt out there and you could a lot of weird shit happening out there people killing their spouses and stuff like that people going missing um just an overall real you know people finding treasure just an overall adventurous area let's hear more just a good place to get away from all the stress and problems that come with living in the big city but man all that shit changed this weekend when some self-confessed anarchist just burnt down the whole fucking forest. 40,000 acres up in flames.

They still don't have it contained right now. Damn, bro. I didn't know all that shit was happening. They shouldn't sell matches at gas stations. I've been saying that shit. How you selling matches right next to fucking gas, bro? You know what I'm saying? They got anarchists out there.

They should have anarchist tests. Test people to see if they're fucking anarchists, bro. You know what I'm saying? They got anarchists out there. They should have anarchist tests. Test people to see if they're fucking anarchists, dude, when they're in high school. You know what I'm saying? Give them a match and give them a piece of cotton and tell them, do not light this piece of cotton on fire. If they do, it do. Fucking

lock them down or shut them down. You know what I'm saying? Give them one of those remote control scarves and fucking shut them down you know i'm saying give them one of those remote control scarves and fucking shut them down let's hear more i mean i just thinking about all my neighbors that lost their house and all the firefighters and um police uh you know that are doing a good job to contain all that shit and yeah fire is dangerous dude fire will fuck you up dude fire can do all kinds of stuff fire can turn dough into a fucking muffin fire can make a biscuit fire can light a hallway fire can burn down the damn earth dude onward they arrested the guy and he's in jail right now but man uh it's just been a really tough time,

and your comedy, your style of humor really helps me get through it. I've been thinking about it a lot, listening to the podcast. And, man, it makes me feel like I'm hanging out with one of my older cousins from Oklahoma. You know, they're always funny and had that kind of same view on life that you do. Well, thank you, man. I appreciate you saying that, George. I'm glad. If I can be that sometimes, like an escape or something or a change of pace,

man, I'm happy to. That's nice of you to say, man, because that makes me feel like I'm doing something positive. And I think all of us you know all we really want at our core is to um is to feel like we are making somebody else feel good you know i think really at our core that all i want is just to, is to do that. You know, I think we all want to do that, man. You got me getting emotional here a little bit, man.

Yeah, it makes me, when you said that, it made me feel, you just made me feel something. I'm trying to figure out what it is. feel something. I'm trying to figure out what it is. You made me feel like I was doing something for somebody else, I guess. Or you made me feel like of service. Or you made me feel like I had some importance. Like not in a selfish way, but just that I was doing something not for myself. And I appreciate that, man. That made me feel good when you said that. So thank you, George, bro. And you be safe

out there, dude. Stay out the fire. You know what I'm saying? Stay out that. Don't buy a kerosene coat from nobody or we won't see you again. But if you want a kerosene coat, you can probably get one here in China, dude. You know what I'm saying? Bro, you could get a butt plug that's made out of bubble gum son it's gonna be bad breath all month after that fucking wild night thank you for calling george let's have another call here this came in from the

libraries fan line you can uh you can find these these are video you can see these now on on youtube you can see these calls as they come in it's not just the voicemails anymore um you can see the live raised ones and you can also submit videos through our website uh theovan.com uh click on the podcast link and you can submit a video there a video question and uh and that is uh all free here go. I was just talking to my girlfriend about what it is that I like about you and your act, too, I'd say. Thank you. And this is a call from Darren Henderson. And Darren Henderson is a person.

Here we go. And it's that you seem like you haven't lost a sense of wonder that almost every child has. And that's what I like about you. That's what I decided. So I wanted to thank you for that. And so I realize that's not a question, but I'm just running that by you. I wanted to get a response from you. Either way.

Thanks, Darren. That's nice of you to say, man. You know, I remember on a class trip to Disney World when I was young, and we honestly, I'll be honest with you, we ate some lsd and we fucking dude we saw it all son you know i'm saying i saw man i saw people and i saw machines and i saw it all dude and i saw a great bird come out of the far north and man he had fucking strong hands. And I saw him fucking touch my eyeballs with his fevery fucking feelings. But, sorry, let me get this back to you. So, anyway, I was at Disney World.

And they have there on a wall, it it said imagination is more important than knowledge and I think it's a quote from Einstein or something I'm not sure but I just remembered seeing that and I got my picture taken next to it and it's a popular quote but I just knew that that was just my life man that that you know I think when I was young, I just hated like, I think sadly, when at a certain point I hated my life so much or I hated myself or I don't know what it was. You know, I just was not, I just did not feel good when I was young. And I just hurt a lot, man. I don't even know what, you know, I just, I don't know. And I'm not sad about it.

I'm not, you know, it's the past. You know, I can't live there. That shit's over. I'm not sad about it. I'm not, you know, it's the past. You know, I can't live there. That shit's over. I'm not living there anymore. But my imagination, I just needed it. And so I think God gave me an imagination just because I needed it, man. You know, I just hated being inside of myself. I just hated, I just didn't have any tools to feel okay.

And so it was just, you know, and so I think God gave me that. He gave me a sense of wonder and a sense of imagination. But yeah, I remember it said, imagination is more important than knowledge. And I just loved that. And I remember telling my teacher that one time he said you're gonna fail I said imagination is more important than knowledge

he goes well you you're gonna fail this test and he goes you got a d and I said well I'm gonna imagine that I didn't get a d and that was it man yeah, but thanks for saying that, dude. I guess, you know, I think there's also a lot of shit I don't know, which is most stuff. So it's like, damn, I might always have a sense of wonder, dude, unless I figure some more stuff out. But I appreciate you calling, man, and just having me think about this kind of stuff

and think about what it is to wonder. You know, wondering is like... Sometimes I think like, okay, so I know this. You know? I know like a shoe. You know? I know it.

It's a shoe. But then sometimes it's like, oh, well it could be a hard foot mitten. You know? It could be a hard foot mitten. You know? It could be a fucking leather spatula that kind of wraps around your foot a little bit. You know, I thought about, like, I don't know. I like to just, I don't know. Sometimes my brain just serves things to me differently.

I don't know. This is interesting. A sense of wonder. You got me thinking about this now. You got me wondering about wonder, bro. But thanks for calling, Darren. I appreciate that, man. And tell your girlfriend that she has a boyfriend who likes to think about stuff.

And that is of so much value. We are quickly, quickly catapulting into two types of people in the world. People who are thinkers and people who are not. And it is happening, I believe, so fast. And I don't think it ends well for people that aren't. I don't think it can. Let's hear another call. Here we go.

Hi, Theo. I'm Alex from Idaho. Hey, Alex. Thanks for calling in. I'm calling because I just relapsed. And I'm not feeling very good about it. Okay, you just relapsed and you're not feeling really great about it. Thank you for calling.

Let's hear more. I took a shot. And I've been clean and sober for about a month. Okay. Well, that's okay. You know? You're still here. You have your voice.

You're talking about it. You're thinking about it. You know? You're being active. Let's hear more. I'm just kind of feeling down right now, Theo. Like, I don't feel right about it. I'm currently walking home from downtown.

Because I don't have my car. Well, probably good you don't have your car if you're drinking, you know? You know, stay away from that vehicle. You know what I'm saying? You want to be that killer. I'm just not proud. I'm not proud, you know? I'm just not proud. And I just wanted some advice. I want some good words from you. Okay, well, you're not proud. Yeah, well, it's not a thing of pride. I mean, you want to have... Yeah, I'm sorry you don't feel good about it. But it doesn't make you a bad person because you did it.

You know, you said you had about six weeks. That's a long time of being sober if you want to be sober. You know. And the good thing is you can always start over. You just started over now. So, it's okay. You did six weeks. That's good, man. you did six weeks that's good man you did six weeks dude my buddy robbed a bakery one time right fucking idiot also you know just bake at home it takes longer to make as much

bread and stuff but robbing a bakery is dumb. But he got six weeks. He got six weeks in a local jail. So, you know, six weeks is six weeks. And don't feel bad about yourself. You can feel bad that this didn't work out. That this, you know, but now you got six weeks and now you have a challenge. Get more next time if you want to get more. You know, and also it doesn't sound like you're a bad person.

You didn't sound fucking wasted. You had a shot. I remember I tried to go 31 days one time. And on 30 days, a girl asked me if I wanted a drink. And I had no defense if a woman asked me for anything. I had no ability to stand on my own two feet at all. And I said yes. And man, I didn't feel proud either.

I felt like I gave up. But here i am a couple years later and i got two years tomorrow so so that's okay you know i'm saying we still love you keep your shit together you know i'm saying just make sure you wash your crotch up every now and then you know and that doesn't and that's mad that's for everybody if you're drinking or not drinking wash your fucking dick or wash your crotch people think dude so many people never wash their crotch they let the water run over but they don't fucking wash it wash your crotch dude i met this girl at the library one time and she only had eight she only had eight fingers or eight toes i don't remember which one it was but over you know she only had 18 of the big 20 and uh and her crotch damn boy i met her at the library bro but her that crotch smelled

like a fucking card catalog dude you know what i'm saying it smelled like dewey dewey Dewey had been decimated. It smelled like Dewey had been decimated up in there. So you got to tighten up your crotch no matter what, man or woman. You know what I'm saying? Sud your nuts up. You want soap that can fucking predict the future, bro? Wash your nuts with it. Get a bar here from China.

Let's take one more call, man. And I got to get off the line, man. I got to get off the line. It's just been a lot. wash your nuts with it get a bar here from china uh let's take one more call man and i gotta get i gotta get off the line man i gotta get off the line it's just been it's been a lot and we'll get more we got a lot of calls that came in and we'll get more but um let's take a call right here this says dark arts in china here we go hey man it's scott up in west virginia what's up scott up in west virgin? Thanks for calling. I hope this call reaches you before you take your flight overseas. Too late, Scott, but I'm glad you called anyway, and I'm excited to hear it. What is it?

You might want to rub one out, I'm thinking. If you get caught up in the dark arts of the Orient, I don't know what they are, but they sound mysterious and just a bit more dangerous to me. You might catch yourself with a pair of chopsticks and get a splinter. And that's the kind where it works itself out. But I'm thinking you might want to handle business before you have business handled. Ooh.

Well, I appreciate you looking out for me, man. You know, and I didn't hear this call until now, but I didn't do that. You know what I'm saying? I came up in here fully jocked up. You know what I'm saying? I got these, my nuts are fully sauced up.

You know what I'm saying? I'm showing up with these. I mean, I could probably sell one of my nuts for $1,000. A nut full of fucking fancy American straight-up human sauce, bro. That's a damn delicacy around here. Everything's a delicacy. Dude, you could eat, you know what I'm saying? You could sell a dove's asshole to somebody over here for probably $250.

I mean, you could do anything. You know, like, they got all kinds of stuff here. They have any type of animal you could do anything you know like they got all kinds of stuff here they have any type of animal you could imagine you know i'm saying they got ostriches raised on fucking rare uh whale semen they'll have ostriches that their whole lives they've only been fed semen from big whales and that meat my god that meat is My God. That meat is. The meat from those ostriches bro. Will crawl into your fucking mouth. And sleep all night.

And then go down your throat. And that is damn. I mean that is the Lord. That is wild. But yeah I didn't do it man. I came in here fully up. And I'm going to leave fully up. You know and it's been a good experience. And I didn't do it man I came in here fully up and I'm gonna leave fully up you know and it's been a good experience and I didn't get caught in because you can do all kinds of stuff in China

you know I'm saying for $60 you could jerk off into a shark's mouth and sure it's just a dude dressed up like a shark but still you know sure it's just a dude named Larry Shark but still but I know anything can happen around here, man. And, um, and I appreciate you looking out for me, Scott, but I made it through, uh, so far and I still have a little bit more time to kill here tomorrow, but, uh, but so far I have made it through. What else do I want to talk about? Um, what else, what else is here? Uh, not too much, man. Got some other dates out there I want to tell you about.

Um, Appleton, Wisconsin, Salt Lake City, Washington, D.C. Uh, all those things. You can go get them. Um, what else, man? Any other big adventures? Not much. Just taking it as it comes and realizing that uh man there's just so still so much stuff i can do you know not being hard on myself but just man life is such a crazy challenge somebody

sent me an email and it said man i wish it said imagine that you just exist in nothing for eternity. That your spirit, your energy just exists like, and I'm paraphrasing, exists in eternity, like out in there in the ether. And he said life is a moment where you get to come to the forefront of the fishbowl of of of being and you get to interact with the other with the other spirits like life is that that's what our lives are there's all these other you know humans and beings and everything out there in the ether in the space in the all these other energies and And life is this one time period where we get to show up in a form and actually interact with each other before we go back out into the ether. This is it. This is it. be here and feel and love and see and hurt and recover and forgive.

We get to be here, man. You are fucking here. You might be at work right now. You might be wherever, but you're on a fucking planet floating in the middle of space. And you get to love if you want to. You get to help if you want to. You get to forgive. You get to apologize. You get to start over. You get to make it to six weeks sober if you want to. You get to learn a new language if you want to. You get to travel to another within that, this, this existence. You get to learn a new language if you want to. You get to travel to another.

Within this existence, you can travel to another type of people that speak a whole different language. And experience all those feelings and emotions and moments in a different, with a little bit of a different recipe. Man, it's fascinating being alive. We can't control it. We can take it as it comes. We can control ourselves. Man, I'm not trying to preach or anything tonight. But I just, I don't know.

I'm in China, man. And I'm just, you know. My yin-yangs is up. know my ying yangs is up my ying yangs is up thank you guys so much dude thank you guys so much thank you for being here with me I'm just grateful we got a lot more calls

we'll have to get to them later man because I got to do it a bit and I got to edit all this and upload it so it's going to be a lot of effort but I'm excited to put it in I'm excited to put this effort in as always you can hit the hotline if you have a comment a suggestion 985-664-9503 follow us support I'll see you in Raleigh North Carolina this weekend you know and i love you and be good to yourself because because you probably deserve it have you thought about that you just might you're making it you know that don't you you're making it I ain't seen home in about a hundred days

I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul And I ain't made a dollar, I ain't spent But where it's going ain't killed me yet I still get where I'm bound to go Man, it's Bishop Gunn. I'm making it I'm making wrong feel right I'm making it

And if hell's where I'm making it and if hell's way I'm headed down I'm making good time come on you got this you're making it you got this you got this shit today

this week this month you got this and most all of my plans You got this. I'll say that I'm about an hour past the minute. I should have put it down. But I'm making it. I'm making wrong feel right. I'm making it.

And if hell's where I'm headed then, I'm making it And if hell's where I'm heading then I'm making good time Man, this band, they get me, man If you got a guest you want to see on here, you go tell them Let's do this, man Let's fucking do this. We can do this. Next week I might feel like we can't, but right now I feel like we can. Yeah. But I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I'm in. I'm making it.

I'm making it. I'm making wrong feel right. I'm making it. I'm making it. I'm making good times. I want to thank everybody in Shanghai that came out, man. You know, to be in another country and somebody comes from your home country, instead of wanting them to bring you something and me make them feel a certain way,

they made me feel comfortable. They wanted me to be okay. Man, just great people. Great people out here, the Senna, these group, they got this group out here, Storm, Brian, Ian, Barney. out here storm brian ian barney and that fancy weatherman too the fancy fucking weatherman bro that's the wildness man that's the wildness you guys. That's the wildness. You guys be good to yourselves.

You probably deserve it. I will see you back in America. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine.

I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.