This Past Weekend - Chris D'Elia 2 | This Past Weekend #204

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Starting point is 00:02:58 concealable. Ooh, he's got that action. That's code TPW for 10% off at ridgewallet.com slash TPW. Enjoy that front pocket carry. Some people say he's a an arch rival, a nemesis or a nemesis, they say. Some people say that he is a myth. But do myths show up in the form of man? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. But I'll say this for 150% percent that we have a young man in today, fresh off this documentary about his shoulders is popping off. You know, we have a cult leader. We have a film, television, Instagram, Vine, Star, Phenom. This guy is the, I mean, he's the Will Smith of Vine. This guy is a haberdasher with his new baby's line. This guy is the new Warren Jeffs to a lot of people.

Starting point is 00:04:17 He's a comedian. He's a podcaster. I'm getting tired of introducing him. Ladies and gentlemen, from the congratulations pod, which I recommend you listen to if you want to get really dented. Mr. Chris D'Aliah. Are you bigger there than you are in America? I think I might be an Australian comedian. Are you, what's his name? Arch Barker? I know, yeah. Arch Barker sounds also like someone vomited, I feel like. The name, just saying Arch Barker. One time I was in Montreal and I was like coming up and I felt like all people were starting to know my name and Arch Barker came down to the lobby and he was like, are you my driver? No. Yeah. And I was

Starting point is 00:05:21 like, ah, okay. All right. Okay. Okay. I'm on new faces. Yeah. I was like, no, this wasn't even, this was after that. I had like a fucking, and I was like, nah, I'm a, I'm a comedian and I laughed and he was like, oh shit, okay. And then, and then the next like two years later, I saw Arch Barker, he was at Starbucks and he saw me was like, hey, hey, Chris. And I was like, redemption. Got to drive. Yeah. Sorry, I'm parallel parked out front. Dude, you look big, you look older, you look, I know, you look different. I feel like, are you doing anything different? So I got, what are you doing? I got, like, do you take care of yourself? Well, I work out a lot. You do? Yeah. And because like, I get, I get bored on the road, but then also I just was like,

Starting point is 00:06:10 I want to do action movies. Yeah. Like, so like, I'm like, if I'm gonna do that, I have to actually do actual work. You have to look the part. Yeah. So, so I started working out really fucking hard. Are you doing unique types of training? Because you seem like somebody that doesn't do, I see you in some of your videos, I see you, you know, I know that they had the shoulder documentary thing that people were, you know, that they're pitching and stuff. And I know the shoulders are outside right now. No, the, the guy, the crew, like, oh, they are, I try to speed away, but they're fucking good drivers. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's crazy, man. Well, it's a trap oratsi too. They're trying to get pictures of people's traps. Right. And, but are you doing any like a unique training? I see

Starting point is 00:06:50 you doing like American Ninja words stuff. When I think of you and get jealous a little, some of the jealous thoughts I have of you swinging off of different stuff. So the thoughts of me, the jealous thoughts of me are all about me being active. I like that a lot. Yeah. Now they are, since you told me you wanted to be an action hero. Right. So, so you've had those jealous thoughts for about 35 seconds. Yeah. No, I've had them for probably six or seven years. Okay. Yeah. I don't know, man. Like, I get, like, the, the, first of all, like this, the movies that I am being considered for are like movies, TV are like all like comedy, silly, you know, I'm either a young dad or I'm like, I've just done, they're, they're, they're only going to offer you stuff that you've kind of already done. Right. Because

Starting point is 00:07:35 they can see you doing that. Oh, wow. You know what I'm saying? Is that nearsighted by the industry? Well, it's just safe, you know, and, and I don't blame them because they know, they know, you know, take, take an action movie star. They're going to get offered action movie stuff. Right. You know, they're not going to, they're not going to, you know, it might be a little bit out of the box and be like, well, can he do a romantic comedy? I don't know. Let's see him do, let's see him act, let's see him audition or whatever. Like, will people believe it? Yeah, exactly. But for, so for me, like the, but I don't want to do this stuff. Like, if I'm going to do a comedy, the best comedy for us that we're going to do is our standup. Right. Because it's exactly

Starting point is 00:08:08 what we're going to do. Right. You know? Yeah, it is interesting. You start thinking sometimes, oh, I got to fit in this role as a, as a, in a, in a sketch or in a series. Like, oh, I'm already doing my whole series. I know. In a show. And you're, and you're also, you're also, if you're going to do a movie or a TV show, you're going to take a pay cut because you make more money doing standup. So if I'm going to take a pay cut, I want to do some shit I want to do. And to me, it would be awesome to do action or something hilarious like that. I could see you doing in like a Deadpool, but sort of like in maybe like right outside of like, I don't want to say Oklahoma City, but maybe like Missouri. I could do a dead, like Deadpool. Kansas City. Kansas City. Like how

Starting point is 00:08:45 they do the CSI in all the different areas, but they do one for, they do the Deadpool, Deadpool, Kansas City. Yeah, I think, I mean, I don't know. I could see you also being a really unique villain in like a, like a dark city, like a Gotham. Yeah. I definitely have the eyebrows for that. Yeah. But also I'm going, I think, I think what you're saying, I look different because I get a little, I got a little gray in the last year. Oh, is that what it is? I think so. You do seem older or more confident maybe to me. You've always seemed confident though. So you couldn't seem more confident than you have. Do you ever grow this out? Because you probably have some gray, huh? Yeah, I get gray. It's very scary. I have gray chest hair too. Oh, wow. And somebody saw it the

Starting point is 00:09:23 other day on a video and it was like 70 people said something. It first it hurt my feelings, then it reminded me of my grandfather. Well, and that's kind of not bittersweet, but also to have 70 people talking about your fucking gray chest hair, that means you made it. Yeah. If you have 70 people talking about your gray chest hair, you made it. Yeah. But you were the same age, right? No, you are a couple months younger than me. I'm 39. But that's, we would say same age in life. You wouldn't be like, no, I'm a few months older than you because that would be so weird. Yeah. Yeah. Like we're both 39. You wouldn't be like, no, we're not the same age. My birthday's first. Yeah. Well, tell them how old you really are.

Starting point is 00:10:01 It was just a couple days earlier. Yeah. Oh, that's like asking. If somebody told me, by the way, we lie, you're 45. I'd be like, that makes a lot of sense. You know, like your family surprised you at dinner. Dude, you could be 50. You could be 50. No. No. What do you think? You're real age. What's your real age, bro? Come on. Like, I'm not talking about, I know you're really just 39. 39 is tops for me. I think I'm running under. I think I'm running at 37. You think that's your brain or your body, though? Both? Oh, I don't know. Maybe your brain. That's what I'm saying. If somebody told me, by the way, you're 43, I'd be like, you know what it would be like? You know

Starting point is 00:10:39 that meme, that wee bay meme in the wire where he's like, oh, that's what I would do. That's the fucking, dude, my dad was like, we lied to you. You were born in 1976. I would be like, I would be like, okay, now it makes sense. But I'm glad you, I'm glad you lied. I would actually be happy that my parents lied. Would you be upset at them or no? Really though, if they're like Christian, 43. If they had a good reason, if they were like, yo, the reason is because we didn't want you to feel like if in case we wanted you to feel like everything you got in life, you got it, you got it, you know, not too old. You know what I'm saying? Because like, I'm right now, I'm 39. And I feel very accomplished for a 39 year old. Right. But for a 45 year old, I feel

Starting point is 00:11:19 accomplished, but not very accomplished. What is the next, what's that next level you think owning a tank? No, well, I'll tell you what, dude. If I had, I could see you getting a tank. If I had like, I mean, because here's the thing, though, but first of all, you can't keep a tank in LA, right? So, so you not only do you need the money for the tank, you need the money for fucking to transport the tanker to wherever. Okay, you have to get the tank, you have to get it airlifted in. I would say I would keep, you know, you could probably keep it, you could probably keep it somewhere fucking shitty like Albuquerque. You could probably keep it in Albuquerque. Yeah. They would actually probably love it if I kept a tank there. Do you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:11:56 Yeah, you'd have to, yeah, they'd be like, oh, Chris Lee keeps a tank. Yeah, you know, Albuquerque, the Albuquerque would literally be like, you know, Albuquerque is great because we have, you know, whatever the crops they have. And then also Chris Lee keeps his tank here. Yeah, spices. They have spices, I think. Yeah, they probably do because it's close to the south. Unique peppers. Oh, I remember on the news, that lady got managed on the news and on New Mexico or wherever. Yep, yep. And you made the news bro, did that blow your mind? So yeah, that was like one of the fucking like, like, you know what is cool about like a career is like, all the stuff that you do like in the career, like, you're like, okay, I want to do

Starting point is 00:12:29 stand up special. And that's all the best shit. I want to be on a TV show. I want to fucking, you know, and I did all that, I did the, you know, undatable, I did Whitney, I did the specials come out every few years. And it's like, you did the roast, too. I remember the roast. You know, the things like that, you're like, you know what, these are the goals, these are the things that I want to do. And not that they're expected, but you expect them to happen if you work very hard, right? Like the things like that, though, or like the things that come up, like, you know, the M&M thing, you know, like, like that shit and the Albuquerque news, that shit is the shit that's like, wow, really, really special and really funny because you don't expect

Starting point is 00:13:05 it to happen. But it's like the perks. Yeah. Yeah, they got fucking, they blasted me. And then I talked about it again. And then I made another segment on the Albuquerque. Yeah, they did it twice. And did they, because it seemed like some people came to your defense, but did they, did you guys reconcile it at a certain point or no? No. So you would say you have active beef? Yeah, I will. I have active beef with Albuquerque. And I'll tell you what, I'll never squash that beef. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll never squash that beef until I'm 36 in a year. But I'm 39. Let's not actually make people actually thinking, because they just tuned in that I am 36. No, but yeah, and I actually may be spending a fucking quite some time in Albuquerque soon. Because I might,

Starting point is 00:13:46 no, I'm being serious. Yeah, I might be actually shooting a movie in Albuquerque. And is it, somebody, now this is a rumor that I also heard that it's breaking bad the movie. Yeah, it's breaking bad the movie. No, they are doing breaking bad the movie, but it's not that. It's not that. No, I'm not going to be in that. So far, I'm not going to be in that. I promise it's not that. Yeah. Do you, are you a legit, are you someone who promises we can trust or not trust? You can promise, if I tell you what, I would, I have never, I have never, my track record is, I have never lied about breaking bad so far. And I'll keep that up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice you guys have a fucking plan here, by the way. That's hilarious.

Starting point is 00:14:19 This is rock bottom. No, but it's cool, because I think I did one of the first episodes of your old studio. And this is the first one. This is the first one of your new one. Yeah. It's crazy, man. Yeah. So we're out here. You're going to do like a wall. I don't know what we're going to do. You know the guy who did the cartoons of all the different podcast people? We're thinking about getting that all around the wall in there. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, in there. Yeah, that'd be awesome. But nobody would see that, right? Right. It would just be for when people came in. We're going to get like a pink part table maybe in there and cool, like some places where it's crazy though. This is now fucking also so far for me. Like you guys only have like get

Starting point is 00:14:53 a place in the fucking place. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, that's right. You're in the thick of it, but you're not, you're in the thick of it. When would you stand up in all that shit? You're in the comedy store and then your fucking first shit was in Marina Del Rey or wherever the fuck it was. And then the next shit is all the way over fucking here. I don't even know where we are. Yeah. There's golf near here. I know that. In Sino? There's a golf course near here. Yeah. I don't want to say the exact location, you know. And they caught a serial killer not far from here, too. And Polly Shore did a movie here. That's right. He did. No, but in Sino is actually, this is in Sino, the, is this actually the movie? This is where he was. This is where it was?

Starting point is 00:15:28 This is where they shot it. Yeah. Wow. Pretty cool. In Sino, man. Wow. Yeah, dude. And also, you could also work on the mic because Gianni Paolo, our former guest from last week is here. And so he's now back on the Instagram. I said, oh, you guys got Gianni Paolo? Yeah. Yeah. You see that? Yeah. I laughed at it. Well, you had to laugh, Gianni. So you're still working here. Wow. You guys, you guys got good shoes, too, though, the two of you. But what's up? You always wear, you've been wearing those shoes. They do. Yeah, but you've been wearing those shoes. You've been wearing those shoes. You've been wearing those shoes. I don't do a lot of fancy footwear. Yeah. But that's where you could really spice it up. But you spice it up in other ways.

Starting point is 00:16:04 You're like, you got the Houston, Jersey on. Yeah. And a goatee. Somebody made me this, Rat King on the back. Oh, wow. That's really cool. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. So it can't really wear crazy shoes if you have a goatee. And I do the goatee. Would you ever do a goatee? No, never in my life. I would never do it. Come on, and you know that. So don't even disrespect me by asking me that question. Yeah. You know what, you know what? That question, if I was in a different mood, could start a fucking war. Yeah. No, but it's not because, you know, we love each other, but like, I would never have a goatee and you know it. I would look horrible. I would look horrible in a goatee. No, you wouldn't. I would.

Starting point is 00:16:35 And that's what I used to think. And I'm not sure if I did. No, you look, it fits you. Well, you got a fucking mullet, too, though. Yeah. Well, it's like long hair. I mean, your hair is almost a mullet if you cut the sides. And the only difference between you and me is a little bit of this. Yeah, we'll get mullet. If I cut the sides. But here's, you could do, I almost see you there being one of those guys who does very, your sideburns a half inch away from doing magic. You know that. Yeah, I know that. I do know that. You're not telling me anything I don't know about that. You know that? Yeah. As a matter of fact, I gotta tell you, dude, I try to shorten it up and I got the fucking thing and I try to make it shorter and shorter. And I just, I always think,

Starting point is 00:17:11 I always think when I do it, I did it fucking two days ago. I think, there we go. It's shorter. And then out in the day, I'm like driving, I see myself in the thing. I'm like, it still looks like a fucking goddamn, you know, almost a magician. I don't like that. Yeah. But I'll never, you know, it's just like, you just gotta shake hands with who you are sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm almost a magician. What are some things about you? If you had to change something, honestly, you had to change something about Chris Delia, you're like, oh, this has to go. Calf power. Calf power. I would have calf power. Yeah. Yeah. No, I have no calf power. Oh my God. I don't have any. You don't have any? No, dude, if I even look up for a high book on

Starting point is 00:17:42 a shelf, I fucking, yeah, you're high, right? You got to get water. Dude, dude, I have no calf power and I love working out. And when it comes to calf, I just, I guess I just go, you know what, fucking, I guess forget it, dude. You just leave at the end and don't do them. Yeah, I don't. I don't. I save them for the end and then I don't do them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In the workout early, dude, my mom, my mom would always be like, when I was a kid, she would, this is the same kind of shit she would be like, what kind of homework do you have? And I would be like, oh, I got English, I got math, I got fucking social studies, I got this. And she'd be like, okay, cool. And then like three and then like five o'clock would roll around and she'd be like, you should get started

Starting point is 00:18:12 on your homework. And I'd be like, you know what, I fucking talked to my math thing isn't due until fucking Tuesday. So I don't have to do that tonight. And then turns out social studies was a lot less than I thought it was. And she'd be like, oh, really? I'd be like, yeah, okay. And then nine o'clock and she'd be like, did you do your homework? I'd be like, no, but it's actually okay. And she'd be like, what? And I would just would never do my homework. That's what, that's what calf exercises is like. I would never do, dude, I fucking wish I'd tell you what, man. I can really do this shit. Dude, I tell you what, I wish, you know how they always say like kids, do your homework stay in school? I wish I didn't do more homework. I wish I did less homework.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Really? Yeah, dude, we do dick jokes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't even know about fucking imaginary numbers. I don't have to do any of that work. When I when I did math, okay, when I was in math, and I was not doing well in math, where'd you sit in the classroom? Oh, the back until they made me sit in the front. Oh, you sat in the back. They made me sit in the front. Oh, that kid? Because they were like, yeah. Oh, there was always a kid that they moved halfway through. Like you thought the back was the worst until you got to the front. It was like they lapped you with the front. You could sit in the front and be like, oh, the back is the shit. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, get back in the front. I was like, these motherfuckers,

Starting point is 00:19:23 I'm lapping these people. That's how bad I am. So, but then didn't all your friends in the back look so dumb? Then once you got to the front, you looked back, you're like, oh, those kids are dumb as fuck. They did. And yeah, and they, you were even dumber, but they could only see your back, so it's okay. They can see your face. Yeah, so I would do math, and then I got to a math, like we got to imaginary numbers, and I was like, if you're just going to make this shit up from now on, I'll fail, and I don't give a shit. You know what I mean? Like, fucking go, where's the camera? Go fuck yourself with your imaginary numbers. Yeah. And that's common core, man. When I was growing up, they had, yeah, it got all kind of

Starting point is 00:20:02 crazy, carry the one. I'm like, oh, this shit, it sounds like a fire hazard. Like, things got real vague, and things were, it sounded like somebody was getting abducted, remember that? Carry the one. I'm like, I'm out of here. Yeah, I'm not into that. Yeah, I'm like involved in this. I go, I go, I go single digits, and if you want, I could go a little bit of double digits, and then that's it, dude. When you get into hundreds and carrying shit, and exponents, right? Fuck out of here. I'm out of here. What am I, a scientist? Yeah, what am I a fucking burn victim, dude? You think I want to know how all these chemicals work? I'm just like, dude, you want me to do this? I'm like, Chernobyl exploded anyway, and I don't have anything.

Starting point is 00:20:36 Like, you got guys who do that shit. Me? Fuck out of here, dude. That's true. What are we going to do with that information, man? Yeah. Do you remember learning about how like a neighborhood worked? Remember that? Where the postman should go in the neighborhood to be most effective? So we, yeah, so we never learned that. My town, we never learned that. And I don't think that that's a class, but you, you maybe, maybe, you maybe learned that. That would be amazing if there was a class on how a neighborhood worked. You know what, dude? There should be a fucking class on how, here's the thing, there should be, these should be the classes. Okay. For real. Okay, let me hear some of them. Fuck math, get out English a little bit up to like fourth grade.

Starting point is 00:21:11 Yeah. And then high school, no, you don't need a English in high school. You don't need English in high school. Yeah. If you're, here's the thing. If you're, don't know English, how do you even get to high school? If you're in eighth grade and you don't know how to talk, you have to, you have to join the army, basically, right? Cause like, you know, and you're frontline, you understand? You're not the guy in the back. By the way, army, that's opposite of a classroom. Yeah, it's opposite. Yeah. You're dumb as fuck. You're in the front, you know? They're all the laugh to motherfuckers. Oh, you're catching bulls. So yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the guy. They teach you how to catch bulls with your heart. Yeah. Exactly. Or a head, head or heart. Johnny caught it in the

Starting point is 00:21:48 shoulder. Not good enough. Not good enough. Um, so. Okay. So that's two of the classes in. They're gone. English is out. English is out, right? Social studies, by the way. That's really learned about the neighborhood. What is it? Yeah. But, but it's not though. Do you understand? It's neighborhood. It's what statues are. Right. Right. Right. Right. So this is what it should be. Actually, for real, how a city or neighborhood works. Okay. Okay. That should be class. And we call that what? Just basically street beats. All right. Cool. I like that. It's a good class name. Also, if the class names were hip. Yeah. If the class names were hip like that, I would be in it, man. Yes, sir. I'd take street beats, boy. Street beats, AP street beats. Yeah, Larry got a tattoo.

Starting point is 00:22:35 Now, why did Larry get a tattoo? Right. Yeah. So today we're learning class why Larry got a tattoo and I'm in the, I'm in the front, right? Is it because his name is Larry? All guys named Larry have a tattoo. If you ever met a guy who's named Larry, it doesn't have a tattoo and he's not in the three stooches. You haven't met a Larry. I'll tell you that much. So, so, so. So you got street. So street beats. Swimming, huh? Depends. Really? Not, not in Indiana, right? No, but in LA, yes. Yeah. In the, yeah. Beaching. I mean, West Coast, East Coast. You know. Being a beach guy. Yeah. Beach guy. Maybe like up near, you know, some, some fucking city West of Portland, you might learn that. Body style or like, yeah, let me think. You learn, you know what you, you know what's a

Starting point is 00:23:22 good, what a good class would be? Like to learn who an alpha is. Like you have to understand who the alphas are and we call the class peck, the pecking order. Okay. Yeah, pecking order. Like you don't. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Who do you have for PO? Yeah. Yeah. And it would be like this real fucking either you would have teachers that were like real alpha or these real beta motherfuckers that were like, look, I understand who I am. And it's okay if this is who you are, but you need to know who you are. And if an alpha walks in the room, you kind of look at them like, you know what I mean? Yeah, just water the plants again. Yeah, exactly. How do you look at, how you offer him a lollipop or whatever the fuck it is. Like, you know, you understand, you know,

Starting point is 00:23:56 not class pecking order. It would be like, Greg, stand up, show us how you look at an alpha. And it'll be like, because I'm a beta. Yes. And then Greg goes like this and you're like a plus. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Plus Greg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep hanging the Christmas ornaments, Greg. Right. He'll be over there under the mistletoe. He'll be over there under the mistletoe. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I think how to behave at functions is another one, maybe. That's a good one. Function behavior. That could probably be in PO. Yeah. It could be in PO. Yeah. It could be like a second year. Yeah. Cause alphas behave differently than betas in. Oh, it's different. In an alpha's will leave a place early. Kind of to go through something better even though they're not doing anything. And get

Starting point is 00:24:30 their late. Yeah. The alphas are only in places for like 25 minutes. Yeah. Sometimes they barely even show up. They get there late and they left early. Yeah. Would you say you're an alpha? Me? Yeah. No. I think I'm more of a beta probably. Really? I'm like one of those Chinese fighting fish, I think. What are those betas? Yeah. But I think they have their own alpha beta shit going on. Well, I mean, yeah, they're suicidal, some of them. Yeah. But they only think they're killing them. Cause a lot of them think it's a mirror and they're killing themselves. That's why they do that. That's so fucking interesting. You know what? You came to a dinner once and you came late and left early. Remember that dinner? Oh yeah, I did. So you're my Ben Alpha. Yeah. Because

Starting point is 00:25:02 you guys, at first of all, it was a dinner in the dark outside your restaurant. Well, but that's what a fucking, that's what a nice place is. It's crazy. You don't go to a fucking bright place for dinner, dude. What are you fucking? You know, you make some money. You got to go fucking dim the lights. Oh, I'm making money. I don't want to see what I'm thinking, bro. No, dude. That's right. Because you're pouring your heart. That's right. You're pouring your heart. You got to let that go. That's true, man. You are pouring your heart, you know? I really am, man. Yeah, it's okay. But, but that's okay. That's why people like you, bro. That's one of the reasons why people like you as well. I like you. It's one of the reasons why I like you. Yeah. Yeah. Who are very

Starting point is 00:25:33 different, but we also like, we vibe off each other. And I'll tell you too, what was I going to say? Um, oh yeah, you thought you'd be all alpha by coming late and leaving early? Yeah. I paid for your meal. Did you really? Yeah, I did. I paid for your meal. So you're not going to alpha me, bro. What? Yeah, I was like, what am I going to do? And I took what we should have learned in school. And I was like, it was like that meme with the fucking, uh, who's the guy? Zach Alfinac. Yeah. Zach Alfinac is doing all the math. And I was like, pay for it. I was like, bye-bye. I got it. And I'll pay for it. And they all went, oh, they did the wee baby. That's a pecking order. Yeah. Dude, are you starting to live through memes, you think? I don't know. I did two meme

Starting point is 00:26:09 jokes. And I think that's probably it. I think that's probably it for the day. Probably. Yeah. I thought about that when I said that. I was like, ah, too many meme jokes, but what is what it is. How was it? You know, they recently, this guy's on trial for that nexium cult. And so I want to see, do you see that kind of stuff in fear where the babies and you guys could all end up? So what's he in trouble for? I haven't heard about this. He's in trouble, I think for sex trafficking and also, also produce crossing state lines. They did some other things. They, yeah, they, they're getting them for everything. I mean, once you go down for sex trafficking, they throw in this fucking, you know, they throw the sink out with the

Starting point is 00:26:46 strawberries, you know, taxes too. Yeah. Um, so I, uh, do you worry about things devolving there? No, the only thing I worry about is, uh, you know, the, the people taking it for what it's not for making it different than what it actually is. We live the hedonistic lifestyle. It's about fucking and sucking. Yeah. And we hang out, dude. Oh yeah. But nobody fucks and sucks if you don't want to. You know what I mean? All right. It's a, yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's a mutual thing. Right. Right. Yeah. I do. It's not people surprised. No, no, no, no. Hey, what's up? You know, okay. Cause I saw, yeah, I saw a good bit of dent, uh, merch at, uh, at, at a lot of my shows, people wear to fuck with me. But yeah, but to see that's to see,

Starting point is 00:27:28 it's all love. Yeah. That's the thing. It's all love, right? But when you got people, like people coming on my shit, fuck you. You're not funny. Like Theo Vaughn, they don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. You don't understand, bro. This is all love. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's fun. It's like, yeah. It's like game of throw rugs. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, you're going to tell you what it's not. It's not game of thrones. No. Yeah. I'm on season three. Two don't give me any spoilers. One on season five. Oh, you are? Okay. Are you really? Yeah. Oh my God. How are we not doing a recap show? I don't know. You know. How are we not doing a fucking recap show? This is not Tiger belly because that space is quite

Starting point is 00:28:05 90. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's all they talk about? Really? Oh, they're running out of things to talk about, dude. You know, once they, once Bobby couldn't get erections anymore, they've totally struggled with some things to talk about over there. Yeah. They've almost got that Filipino kid. They've almost got him. He's almost full time now. Oh, imagine Bobby, imagine Bobby for real, like someone was like, I'm going to kill your family if you don't, if you don't actually do an a real style performance singing and actually try and take it seriously. Yeah. He, his whole family would die. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no way in hell, there's no way in hell Bobby could get out into like a 2000 cedar and perform for real like Frank Sinatra songs without thinking

Starting point is 00:28:49 about maybe being funny and then pushing it a little bit and then they would just literally slice his family's heads all off like that. Bro. And I'll tell you what, you couldn't either. You don't think? I don't think, I think you could take it seriously. God damn, that's even funnier. That's a good question. Imagine you, imagine you singing in front of 2000 people killing it. Yeah. You, I think honestly, you could do it. But it would be so bad. It would be so bad. And here's the part though, it would start to be so bad and you would know it's bad. Yeah. You would want to start to vibe on how bad it is and you couldn't. Yeah. Yeah. The comic in us. Yeah. Yes. The comic in you. But Bobby, not a chance. No, no,

Starting point is 00:29:28 Bobby would die immediately. Bobby would be like, Bobby would be like, yeah, what's the song like? If I could turn back the hands of time, Toki, like he would do that and then they'd be like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, his whole lineage. Yeah. He couldn't do it. I thought about that. I thought about that on the way over here actually. I did. I know. I know. I did. I was like, I bet Bobby couldn't do that. Jesus, man. Have you ever, have you seen any of your babies get out of line and you had to fucking get them, put them back in the crib? Well, yeah, but I don't, I don't put them back. I don't, I don't, I don't call them out because I feel like maybe they're going to be crazy. Once they, once they, you want to get lost? You want to get lost, bro? In your head?

Starting point is 00:30:08 You're lost. Yeah. I'm not the guy. Yeah. What am I? I'm a gatherer? Yeah. No. Not really. I'm not a stepdaddy. No. So do you see though that some of them, are you worried some of them might do crime? Some of them do crime. Jesus Christ. Bro, let me ask you a question. Wow. You see this? Yeah, what's this? No, what's this? A guy in a baby shirt was caught on camera. He took a package off someone's. Holy fuck. Did you know this? You're just sprouting off of this. That's where I got to have no idea. These guys are both big fans of yours. Way bigger fans than they are. Mine, they've never bring up shit. Very fascinating. I saw this on Twitter and I can we see more about this? This is unbelievable. It says, does anybody know these men? They stole

Starting point is 00:30:55 two packages from my neighbor and it's a screenshot of a security cam. No, dude. Clear as day. You can see babies on this. This is hilarious. And oddly, the one guy looks just like you, Nick, the guy in the blue. Yeah, that's Nick, which is very interesting. You didn't know this though. Yeah, this is your amnesty. Oh yeah, turn it down one. Oh man, that's funny as shit. Wow, yeah, I had no idea. So this guy did some crime and he's a baby. So that's the thing, like I don't want him doing that. But I can't. The number one reply was a quote from you. It said, people in this cult have literally killed people. I'm just gonna say that to you. And that's not what I'm saying to you. Like you think like you did the last show in Brisbane,

Starting point is 00:31:40 3,000 people. Yeah, you think none of those guys, you think none of those guys killed anybody? That's just too many people. Yeah. In Australia, maybe in Australia, they didn't. If you did a show 3,000 people in America, seven people have killed people. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Oh yeah, I remember when I was back, we don't do background checks. Yeah. I remember when I was young and they had class and they said that when we walked into class statistics, the guy said, there was 700 people in class and he said, statistically speaking, two of you guys will be registered sex offenders. It was like one of the first things he said. Jesus, where did you go to school? On Louisiana State. Yeah, Louisiana. That's the only one. And I remember that's when

Starting point is 00:32:20 I stood up and yelled, not it. That's what I remember I yelled, which crushed, bro. Did you actually do that? Yeah. Wow, that's really funny. Crush, dude. Wow. And wait, was that freshman year? Yeah, it's freshman year. Wow. So that was your whole fucking, you were the funny guy immediately then. Yeah, at that point, nobody fucked that guy either, man. Wow. That guy jerked himself off often though at the house. Do you masturbate at your age or did you do it more when you were younger? What's that journey been like for you? I don't know. I don't really do it too much. I do it more on the road. Yeah. But are you, I feel like, you know what, dude? You jerked off a lot when you were younger. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tell. The 20s I did over in Santa Monica. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:02 I've come in that area a lot, brother. Not proud of it either. We're trying to get away from it, but there's a porn place right across the hall now. So Theo's going to have. What do you mean, though? It's, they're like an agency. Oh, wow. Wow. So they're going to be coming in and out right across the hall. You want 10% of this? I know, huh? So wait, what I was going to say, hold on, there was a thing about, about, about jerking off. Yeah, I'm trying not to jerk off anymore now. I'm like a year off pornography. You're so a guy that would be like, you know what, I'm going to try to not jerk off. Why? Why? Because it just makes me feel weaker, it makes me feel sad if I jerk off. Why? I don't know why. It's a good question,

Starting point is 00:33:38 but it makes me. A lot of people feel that way. Really? Immediately it makes me feel that way. It makes me feel ashamed of myself. That's so weird to me. I mean, we're both weird. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but. Yeah, no, I don't think you are. I think you're just discussing it, but yeah, man, I just feel if I jerk off, I'm like, fuck man, you know? Why? Such a fucking loser. I don't know why, but it's a real thing, but it's just like eating. Yeah. It's not like eating, it's like barfing. I feel like out of your wiener. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, yeah. It's like both of them, but like in, in a way it's like both of those, like it's a barfing out of your wiener, but it's also, you just do it. I feel like if I injected it back into my body,

Starting point is 00:34:16 you'd feel a lot better. Yeah. That's something about like losing my steam, losing my manhood, losing my machismo, you know? That's very, very ancient of you. Is it, you think? You're a very ancient, like you're like, you should be in like Greece and old, like, you know. Really, you think I seem ancient? I would be. Thanks, dude. I think, no, I think the one you come, you feel ancient as shit afterwards, but I think that you, I think that you, here's the deal. You know, in like Greece, like however many years ago, thousands of years ago or fucking however many years ago, they would be like, we have to fuck these boys to make them men. Yeah, yeah. Did you know about that? Yeah, yeah. I've seen it. Yeah. I've seen like, oh yeah, I've heard about it. Yeah. So

Starting point is 00:34:57 if I was transported back into that time and they said, hey, this is how we do it, you have to do it, I would be like, okay, I'm not going to do that. And I think it would be fucking so many years before I cracked. I think for you, it would be eight days. Really? Yeah. You think you'd be like, I don't know. And they'd be like, this is what we do. And you'd be like, no. And a week would go by and you'd be like, I guess I got to fit in. And you eight or nine days, you'd be like, this is how they do the manhood thing. And what do I do after that? You feel real bad. But like in the coming weeks and months and years, what happens to me? Well, you probably, I mean, you know, you probably just become Grecian and you're fucking that guy. I don't do that.

Starting point is 00:35:45 Yeah. That makes me sad. Yeah, I would hate that, dude. I'd hate to be fucking some guy from a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah, I would too. Imagine that. Like it's hard enough, I'll be banging some guy, you don't even want to fuck these days, you know, but imagine a thousand years ago, banging some dude. When people are like, Hey, you know, people think it's magic. People don't know what it is. Yeah. And I'll also tell you that they were not clean. Oh, they were so dirty. They were just outside a lot more, you know, all the hair on them. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Different times. Don't make that sound. That's one of the worst sounds people make. My freaking grandfather, he's always making. Yeah. You think when you're old, you give a

Starting point is 00:36:28 fuck anymore you don't you're fucking nothing it's not and nothing gets you fired up anymore you think when you're older uh I think yeah and I can't wait for that really yeah yeah I can't wait for that dude I already feel like like like I don't want to do so much shit like there's like three things I like doing you know and and sometimes jerking off and coming is one of them so don't take that from me okay yeah don't try to don't try to like be like I feel bad yeah you're right I wish I did it man I wish it was awesome like I just got up in the morning like I'm gonna fucking jerk off real quick and then they enjoy

Starting point is 00:37:00 the rest of my experience today it's just not a question do you and I don't even really like talking about this but you do you take your time doing it or do you just do it to get it done mmm I usually I can get it done in less than a minute I don't ever take more than wow that might be one of your problems you think so take yourself out on the date bro yeah yeah you know like go out to dinner I did do something nice you know what I mean go to like fucking pizza gucina or some nice shit I don't even know if that's a place but like a place that would sound like that and go go to like a hearty set as an upstairs yeah

Starting point is 00:37:30 yeah yeah yeah 100% be like yeah were they you're like are you guys eating up there maybe like no no I'm on a nice date I got one seat up there you just sit there you drink some wine or the fuck you don't drink but like you get some club soda yeah just fucking you have a conversation with yourself you know like not out loud but in your head and then you go home and you fucking think and like you know that was nice yeah and if there was somebody there you would be like that was very nice wasn't it and they'd be like yeah it was nice yeah have a good time to shake hands with the fuck you are bro yeah go home

Starting point is 00:38:01 turn out some Netflix maybe watch fucking always be my maybe and then afterwards or in the middle you know what I mean cuz you know when you're watching a Netflix or the girl is it or do you keep now you keep it going oh wow yeah no you don't though think about think about if you're with a chick you don't pause it I pause it that's a boss move wow you're an alpha am I you're watching the movie with a chick you're watching you just go boop yeah that's amazing bro I don't pause it I'm you know why I'm too scared really yeah bro you keep it going you go like well you got a pause it may you already watch

Starting point is 00:38:40 11 fucking 12 minutes I know cuz you want to keep it what see that's actually a good move because then it's like you're like I'm pausing this because I want to kiss you but just so you know I want to get back to this movie you're not that important for me to miss this movie yeah who knows but you know what I've thought what I've been working on a lot lately is a lot is when I when I'm staring at somebody and then they look at me you know the the instinct is to look away but that's a bitch move you gotta keep staring at them if they're if you're staring at them and they catch you you're like this is what I was doing

Starting point is 00:39:11 and I'm not stopping because you chose to live your life well that is something you got to do that I've been working on that is very hard for some reason it's not weird yes very hard because it's extremely unnatural I know it's very unnatural but I think that we can switch that I think that we can change that I think we can change that I want to see the thing I want my kids to fucking do that right so I have to work on it for myself and this way when they're growing up and they see me doing that they're gonna be in the front yard just looking at the fucking neighbors yeah I can't wait I actually can't wait the neighbors

Starting point is 00:39:46 out there picking up dog shit and look over at him they don't look away like a fucking serial killer what the fuck is wrong with those kids and I and then I and then I and then I call them and they go hello and I say nothing click because nothing's wrong with them this is how I designed my kids bro if I could build kids that would be amazing build my kids yeah you know how you can like customize Nike if they had kid ID or whatever the fuck yeah I would do that shit on a website click click I want his arms a little shorter his legs a little longer camouflage elbows what what else would you do yeah what I would make them

Starting point is 00:40:20 look you know what I would do I would make them whatever it is I would make them look real bad in like any kind of like stupidest shit outfit I would make sure he has the body only to wear normal fucking clothes because I don't want him getting fucking artsy right you know what I mean right I don't want him being like like I saw a guy the other day in a skirt but not because he identified as a woman or was gay just because he thought it was cool oh my son's not doing that shit that's a james if you identify as a girl fine that's fine where the skirt if you're gay where the skirt but don't be the guy that's like this looks good on

Starting point is 00:40:52 me and I fuck chicks yeah not yeah james this dress is like a Scottish man like an old Scottish man yeah dang I wish you could smell my breath right now did I say my breasts nope I'm saying breath because I got that meat on my grill type of smell if you sniff my teeth you'll smell meat because I've been having some Omaha steaks right now Omaha isn't just about the college world series it's about steaks and it's about giving it a limited time Father's Day gift offer to my listeners go to Omaha steaks.com and enter code PAST in the search bar for 74% off that Father's Day steak fix gift package that's a $235 value now for

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Starting point is 00:42:43 that's a lot of meat at a decent rate just go to Omaha steaks.com and type code PAST into the search bar don't wait go to Omaha steaks.com type PAST in the search bar to get the Father's Day steak fix package today a lot of meat huh this past weekend is brought to you by Skillshare sometimes you think you know a skill and then you get out in the world and you don't sometimes people say oh you could do cement and you get out there by the mixer and you got the rake and the shovel and then you ain't doing shit you know but things can change and Skillshare is here to help Skillshare an online learning community for

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Starting point is 00:44:16 today with a special offer get two months of Skillshare for free that's right Skillshare is offering this past weekend listeners two months of unlimited access for over 25,000 classes for free go to Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn again go to Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn to get your two months started now Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn and thank you so much for supporting this past weekend yeah I could see also I could see would be cool if your kids were immediately the same height as you like once they hit like nine years old or 11 that would probably be an advanced

Starting point is 00:45:01 package you'd have to buy yeah yeah can you imagine you some 11 year old same height I you know I would do weaker neck and arms though fucking calf power I'd have my kid have a calf power because I'm 20% you know like maximum 20 yeah yeah yeah fuck man and look at the cast and that guy brown eyes not blue eyes no way have you ever met a guy with blue eyes you have blue eyes no I don't have blue eyes dude look at me I'm five feet away from you you got like brown eyes green eyes yeah yeah I would never trust a guy with blue eyes they're just hands down you know it's just Nick has them but it's not I'll tell you what Nick and I

Starting point is 00:45:32 better tell you what Nick that's not sexy to have blue eyes as a guy yeah yeah you don't think so also blonde hair you're pushing it yeah you don't have blonde hair as a guy a guy with blonde hair no a guy with blonde hair blue eyes no way yeah because here's the thing you got to look good in a fucking black leather jacket as a dude and if you have blonde hair you don't you got to wear a brown leather jacket ooh brown leather jacket some of mom wears but but but it's okay to wear a brown leather jacket sometimes but if you're a blonde guy you got to wear all the time and that's not okay I don't know I do and that's

Starting point is 00:46:04 how it is yeah I'm thinking about this shit yeah that's crazy man so do you have do you do you where do you I do you think ideas just come into your head or where are they yeah I don't know well how do you always just like thinking of something yeah like you see something like I'm gonna think about this yeah I think about it all the time I don't think about the shit that matters yeah you don't I fucking just worry about the shit that matters yeah but you also have that fucking thing where it's like I wonder what Bobby looked like with different lips like yeah think about that yeah I just want I mean I think about

Starting point is 00:46:37 Bobby a lot dude because I'll worry that he's just not living up to his full potential right so you think about that which is very nice but also you might think you know what it's like inside of his girl no but you make up shit you make don't you make up situations in your head I do it all day you do this I think I used to be able to do it more and I don't know what happening is I got older I got more worried about shit I mean that's what my podcast is is what if this happened and then I happen and if for some reason people listen to it yeah you're good at that man you're good at at being like yeah and then like

Starting point is 00:47:13 taking us into like an alternate universe but it's good I think it's what makes you a good actor it's like you have an interest in taking people into an alternate universe you know it's I think it's one of the thing that maybe make you want to be a fighter like a superhero or you know in that universe is because you want to be in these alternate universes you want to be able to shoot a laser out of your fucking neck bone you know like you want to be able to lift it up into a fucking galaxy ship you know yeah I think these are things that you know that seem realistic on you because you you you've kind of fan it you you kind of

Starting point is 00:47:46 live them out in your everyday even your some of your old images I remember on your website you're on a fucking you're shooting a fucking water gun on top of a fucking whales back or something like where is this motherfucker dude is he must be you know by the airport or something you can't check yourself though you know that's the thing like you're good at that but you also do you check yourself sometimes yeah I think I check myself off to you but you're you but you also don't you but you also is what makes you so fucking funny is like you have your own language and shit like we actually kind of both have that like you

Starting point is 00:48:14 know I mean like yeah people doing your terms and shit but like you you you like you're you have a style where like you're so you and that's because you let yourself be that way yeah that's when you're best I think yeah I think that's what most people think about you you know and then like you go off and you worry about stuff after that yeah that's what I do immediately when I get on yeah you don't have to do that first I see if Neil Brennan has any advice for me and then I just go worry about myself and he does and he does yeah he usually has a couple of fucking free insights what about this so dude do you think that um

Starting point is 00:48:46 do you find I find sometimes I have trouble telling a story that I've told before after a while on the road and make it genuine to myself interesting well you're like a storyteller pretty much right yes I think so yeah I mean I like telling stories yeah no I mean you're fucking that you you should right you kind of are though yeah kind of yeah kind of um yeah sometimes it's weird like like I'll do a bit like five times and it'll crush and then it'll drop off yes you're like five times and then I'll get it back for a while and then like after like seven months I think that's what you're talking about like I'll

Starting point is 00:49:29 just be like I'm just doing this I'm just saying yes that's what it starts to be and I can't find my way out of that it's like every time like okay I'm gonna make it fresh this time and to make it new and I'll try to but it just doesn't but a newer bit always does better I know I know I know and it's kind of sucks too because like a bit is so much better like give or do like the other day I did some shit that I've been doing then I did a new bit and it worked and it was good it wasn't amazing but it was good and then I went into my old shit like that I again like from that I've been working on and it was just like oh

Starting point is 00:50:07 that's how a bit works it was like boom boom boom boom boom boom and I was like fuck I gotta get that new bit to that right but the new bit is the shit the the laughs that you're getting from the new bit are this is the shit that where they're like they they're laughing because they feel you excited about it you know yeah oh maybe that's what it is and they can understand your excitement yeah so I always like think about like like I'll I laugh a lot on stage yes people are like are you laughing is that real and the truth is I'm laughing not at what I'm saying I'm laughing at the fact that I can't believe I get to do this

Starting point is 00:50:48 for a job right and it's so fun and I'm like looking at you guys and like you think this is funny like I'm already there right now like I'm like this is fucking awesome and that's why I'm laughing like I can't believe you let me do this as a job and these jokes that I thought of a lot of them I thought of on stage so I laughed when I was saying them so I just keep that vibe you know yeah it's not like I'm laughing I know I've said this shit before you know right but it's a genuine laugh you know yeah it's fun to see it's fun to know that people are gonna enjoy stuff yeah yeah knowing that they're gonna about to

Starting point is 00:51:19 enjoy it or that they are having a good time it's like yeah it's fun yeah I feel like as an audience member like you see the spark in the comedian and they're enjoying it yeah on you have that smile yeah and I think that's what really is like they're so like in touch with this and then after a while like obviously you're doing the same joke it's like you're not as excited telling the story so the crowd isn't excited here yeah I mean it's definitely like an energy thing right yeah yeah it must be and you must be yeah that's why sometimes it's not like I want to tell them the story because they've never heard it but

Starting point is 00:51:49 I just it doesn't land as great as it once did but you know what though sometimes it does and you just don't think it does you know like every have those sets where you're like oh they didn't like me and then they come out like if there's a meet-and-greet and they're like dude does the funniest thing I've ever seen yeah you're like in Minnesota yeah yeah you're like you didn't seem like it yeah all right yeah I guess that's true and I guess maybe if you hear the same if you hear a song enough if you know the cadences of their laughter at certain points you hear a such like hearing a song enough where

Starting point is 00:52:16 you're like oh the song is still good but it's not the same as this new song that I'm playing yeah when I tell these new jokes and I get different laughs on like remember the time first time you heard fucking hot and it's so hot in here you were like oh what yeah that fucking Nelly song yeah so good but now you'd be like okay well maybe now you'd be like oh I remember that but like after like here's the thing dude songs like four years later you're like get this shit off yeah but songs like eight years later yeah you're like oh this shit rocked yeah we did that you got to get back to that point in your act you know at least

Starting point is 00:52:54 for me that's why I think like I'll do the song I'll do the joke it's banging because it's a hit it's a new song that just came out and then it drops off because it's like you're in the three-year thing where you're like oh this is like an old song yeah and then it's like when I was when I was young when I was 15 and 16 I started getting embarrassed hanging out with my dad because that's like the age you get embarrassed oh yeah yeah yeah and my dad said we used to hang out what the fuck and I said to him yeah but it only lasts for like a few years when I'm 19 or 20 after high school again it'll be cool to

Starting point is 00:53:25 hang out with you again he was like really and he was like yep and it's true wow is that is that it's that thing you got to get back to be in a 19-year-old again where it's cool hanging out with your dad no you knew that in advance and told you yeah yeah my dad always brings it up he was like dude how did you know that in advance and I was like I don't know I think I just saw people doing it do you know all of it like all the beats of the life and then it's just like you are you think so so how are you enjoying it then if you already know it all if you like know that how it's all gonna kind of break down and when to do what

Starting point is 00:53:51 yeah but it's like it's like because the anticipation is what the most fun is which is the which is the fun it's like when you're like you're like let's go to Vegas and you're in Vegas it's usually not as fun as the whole fucking let's go to Vegas right yeah yeah there the on the way there is the best part because you're thinking about fuck yeah let's do it yeah yeah do you think you could be ever fall victim of a surprise party or not I have you have yeah wow yeah it was bullshit it was it no it was great but it's bullshit that they got me really yeah yeah cuz you seem like the guy who would not let people get them on a

Starting point is 00:54:25 surprise party it's your fucking birthday you know I mean it's she got me it was fucking 2000 it was 2007 wow six she fucking got me man what it was at a restaurant it was at a bar it was a bar restaurant yeah well I don't think a place exists anymore I think after that night they shut down yeah we got believe they got me oh yeah I don't think that I would be able to get God now really yeah yeah you see a way to like you seem like the kind of guy who like as somebody's walking into a restaurant we'd be like hey it's just no it's a surprise party yeah get in there don't let them yeah I would be like even now

Starting point is 00:55:07 like my birthday's in March but when somebody's like you want to hang out and it's September I'm like better not be able to not for my birthday yeah we got some questions that came in for Chris to leave let's see them when's your new film coming out Chris I don't know I think in the fall but I'm not sure are you excited about it are you nervous about it nah I'm yeah whatever it's fine you know you but it went well yeah yeah I'm good I'm happy like you know who honestly whatever nothing matters anyway yeah for real like you know it's like yeah we're like nah it's true though you know how it's like people are

Starting point is 00:55:44 like ah is it okay if I do this fucking spot for Comedy Central or is okay if I do this movie it doesn't matter dude yeah it doesn't matter yeah unless it's like a fucking we murder yeah or like Captain America yeah if you had to fight for a country would it be America like as a superhero would it be I think I would be like you know I don't think I don't think I would pick a country I think I would just be like look we've got to be in this all together you know this is from this is for this is for the better of mankind you know do you think you could save the world like from what though I don't know probably not but damn

Starting point is 00:56:28 but you would try wouldn't you uh yeah I would try yeah I would try yeah I would try but like I love this this is the character I already love this character whatever this guy is whoever this superhero is we say doctor maybe I would try yeah yeah I would try but like it will be tough on me that should be the pitch taper whatever the fucking film is gonna be look I'm gonna just tell you guys it's true yeah it's gonna be tough look I know we got this sidekick over here fucking water man or whatever your name is yeah I don't know guy yeah it's just gonna be acting what are we up against and then they show

Starting point is 00:57:08 me and I'm like I'm not gonna lie dude it's gonna be it's gonna be tough and I don't know if I can do it but I'll do it I'll try realism that's your fucking that's your superhero name yeah realism I'm gonna need a bunch of rocks and a bunch of guns yeah and you're gonna need to get a divorce you tell one of your guys yeah yeah yeah and here's the other thing too the rocks can't be too heavy they have to be carryable so yeah that's where we're at guys let's hit a question here what do we have Nick you want to turn up one again because it's gonna come out of those headphones okay perfect you

Starting point is 00:57:45 you need headphones on or no what up Theo what up Chris it's Brian from Ohio Akron Ohio what's up had a quick question was just curious as to how you guys met each other yes and what were the first impressions did you guys like each other did you not you know let me know gang gang okay blue-eyed first of all that you can't try I mean imagine I got with a brown leather jacket on so crossing guard what the fuck was that thing I mean that's I hopefully was yeah I hope you're a crossing guy he's in golf clothes oh yeah oh yeah for sure look at him I that guy could be standing naked and you'd be like oh you love golf yeah

Starting point is 00:58:27 that's true but he also looks like he either is a crossing guard he's valedictorian at fucking a footlocker because that's some very neon green sash yeah we know what we know what we know one one thing that he for sure is what one two three a Republican yeah yeah he has a tattoo and that's okay you know you do but everybody makes their own choices get in the booth and vote yeah so so the question yeah I know when I met you really yep do you it's hard to remember when you met see I hate this because if you don't remember then the other person can fucking trump you and just believe what they say there's no

Starting point is 00:59:06 reason why you'd remember when we've had our first conversation there's zero reason why you'd remember and I know and I know this okay and you don't even know when it was and it wasn't and both of us were not doing stand-up yet really yeah and I've told you this and you forgot it because of the same reason why when I told you this was the same reason why when we met is because you were high both times really that's awesome we were in we were in a saddle ranch no what were you doing there you know what I don't know okay yeah me neither yeah so so you the people were riding the bull and you were kind of like you were with

Starting point is 00:59:47 some people that had to do with some kind of production I think it was that but you I was not in line for the bull because I would not ever ride the bull right we were around that area and I was like huh and I looked at you I was like crazy huh or something I don't know what I said but you said man a lot of chicks out there out where in a world on the bull yeah you see all these girls huh something like that yeah and you were so faded like on pills or something you were on pills this isn't a real thing you were something it was a saddle ranch bro I remember you had a hat on dude I remember dude I remember when I met you then no I

Starting point is 01:00:32 didn't make it up you can't say then after that that's a real story I do remember all right I remember when I met you so I remember I was playing in like a young okay athletic men's basketball league right already this is wrong no then used to live near Olympic this was off of Olympic Boulevard no or it was it couldn't it might have been not it might have been off somewhere else off Wilshire or Senate or Santa Monica Boulevard and and it was like it was a like it was like a league I was in it was like a championship game or whatever my team was good our team was called hot to trot right that was our team okay so

Starting point is 01:01:11 anyway he's coming back to me now yeah so anyway it's like the end of the game I drive get fouled score right it's an obvious and one I'm gonna go to the line and the ref bro okay first of all the fucking ref dude all legs right this is probably about 10 years ago when you were a little bit younger okay all legs dude barely it was like legs and like long hair and you couldn't really know much else about him he's like no foul that's what he said blue his whistle in comes over goes no foul and it was you and he was on pills I don't know if he was on pills but he definitely didn't know anything about refereeing

Starting point is 01:01:54 yeah I don't even know if he was an actual referee but I just remember him he fucking ruined it wow and I just remember man for who the fuck is that guy not even paying attention I don't I tell you what there's a lot shit in my life I don't remember I don't remember that but I will tell you this I stand by my call if that was me yeah yeah and I honestly think you fucking traveled to by my mind yeah I think you probably traveled dude it was for the West district city championship bro and I was like and I think I remember if I don't remember this but if it did happen I think I remember thinking dude I wonder

Starting point is 01:02:27 if you fucking paid for a plane ticket with that travel yeah yeah well like I got a shower from kayak yeah yeah yeah yeah I remember the guy saying a really bad joke like that were you on price line dot com or whatever the fuck and you go what and I saw on your face in the middle of the wall you got the joke yeah that's the worst yeah but yeah I definitely remember that man so do you remember a meeting I don't remember the first time we met comedy wise though stand up beside outside of the saddle ranch or the basketball Wreckley yeah I don't remember I mean I remember one night there was some girl they got some

Starting point is 01:03:03 that got mad at you on the front porch of the comments remember this and I remember like she was just being like a real bitch and I remember I don't remember that the only other times I've ever that I even I don't even remember talking to you that much until maybe about like two years ago mm-hmm you know mm-hmm I never like talking to people that were doing well in comedy yeah I know you're fucking weird like that bro well because I don't like them I never one I don't know so many people it seemed like we're like yeah I understand that but you're so not that guy yeah but if you do that kind of behavior then

Starting point is 01:03:41 I feel like you become that guy as long as you're aware of that then you're not gonna be that guy right you know it's not like you're fucking you know it's not like you're like the guy that's like this fucking guys around you know those guys that just stand yeah you're like what are you doing model standing yeah but you like in the parking lot of the comedy story you're talking and you're like what's what was fun going here oh there's a guy right here oh yeah you know those guys yeah we're like you're like am I in a horror movie what the fuck is happening yeah and there's just a fucking in another weapon yeah if I was

Starting point is 01:04:15 ever a standard dude fuck dude get out of here at least loiter at least pace yeah a hundred percent and if you're just gonna stand say some shit those guys got to go go to lunch those guys are fucking out to lunch go to lunch bro yeah this one I would press one of your buttons right now I'm fucking you that's right um let's get another question that came in but I don't remember I do remember being I felt like intimidated to talk to you kind of I would get nervous talking cuz you were always so confident you always say that yeah yeah and I was I remember I'd be like I don't know what I'm gonna fucking say like yeah

Starting point is 01:04:54 I'm gonna go over there oh here's a guy this is like if me and you had a baby this guy hey guys I'm Austin from Jackson Mississippi of course you are so excited you guys are doing a podcast together gang gang cult cult anyways ask Chris if he's gonna continue with the 30 minute stand-up specials or if he's gonna go back to the traditional hour love to hear y'all's thoughts on that like this guy already he's player nice guy to Jackson Mississippi and I should get drunk over there over there by howlin miles and once you cross the line you're drunk yeah it feels so weird oh yeah you see the sign welcome to Jackson

Starting point is 01:05:33 Mississippi my reading goes down the second I yeah it's interesting so yeah so what would you do next would you do another Netflix where you put something out on your own would you do so I'm doing another special yeah for Netflix it will be an hour I I'm shooting it soon but I wow the next few months but I the this the half hour thing I they came to me with and they were like do you want to do it and I just thought it was a cool idea because first of all I had a half an hour material that I didn't want to put on my next special so I was like that's perfect for me and also like I'm I'm always I always want to try the new

Starting point is 01:06:10 thing or the different thing I just want to try it like I want to like like I I think I think a lot of people so my two other specials on Netflix incorrigible and man on fire man on fire is 60 minutes incorrigible is an hour and 20 minutes or 15 minutes something like that I know that so my first one on Netflix incorrigible I purposely put the banger shit at the end because you close with the banger shit you know I mean but I know people didn't get to that because that's a long time to watch stand-up and people watch it before they're gonna go out at night or or they're just they you know they put it on at night and they

Starting point is 01:06:50 fall asleep yeah a lot of people watch passively exactly so I know because of that they they'll often reference the first half of that incorrigible and I'm like I know the second half is is way funnier so they say oh I love the part about this and I like you don't watch the whole thing right because the last part is better no one ever talks about the end stuff exactly so with man on fire it's a little different because it's a half it's an it's an hour and so I started thinking like I think people are just trying to consume shit I think that it's better to click on so I think it's only a half hour I'll watch it right I

Starting point is 01:07:25 got time so I was like I really want to do that because I think that'll be a good idea and I had the material but you know some people were like I think they thought they're being slick they were like oh dude so you they're not allowing you to do an hour it's like yeah just don't get the business but like yeah I'm doing my next warts and did it happen it was a cool group too it was Neil it was a neat cool so yeah I don't know I also thought it'd be good for my like overseas shit because it's like the world thing that they were doing the oh yeah it means the world yeah so I'm gonna do another hour I have it ready

Starting point is 01:07:56 pretty much I'm cutting and pasting but yeah wow well by the way what about you what are you doing you don't know yeah I don't know yeah yeah I mean I think yeah I mean I'm ready to do one yeah yeah definitely I just don't know what to do yeah well just play it right you know take your time like you don't I mean not take your time but like hold out you know I mean like I honestly dude even like what like Andrew Schultz is doing is fucking cool like he's just putting it out as it you know every now and then on YouTube like yeah kind of like that the only thing is there's no like payday no money but but but but you own it's an

Starting point is 01:08:33 invest this investment though it's like you know it's like you know you you build up the views you build up the fan base which which you've already done with your podcast and shit but like you know and people love your Netflix special but it's just like you know yeah I mean my Netflix was kind of shit I'd like to have another one on there that was pretty cool I mean I would even see if maybe you don't like it you don't like I didn't like the first one yeah but maybe it's just because it's fucking you and yeah it was just a bad that weekend the shows was just rough oh really it just was it not at that good of an

Starting point is 01:09:00 experience I mean I'm grateful for it it was fun and and it was what it was you know I never know what kind of crowd or what kind of vibe you're gonna get yeah right yeah so that was kind of tricky yeah let's take another question or two right all right since we like this guy we got another question from your son so Theo it's Austin Eubanks Jackson Mississippi just get my oil changed my question for daddy is what's your role gonna be at the log cabin is Theo at the log cabin has he reached elder status oh yeah there's gonna be a man I honestly think that's Shaila gang gang okay so yeah everyone's invited if you want to

Starting point is 01:09:45 be a part of that people are like what I do be a part of the cult is like you're asking the question you're already in it you know that's what we say here so you took the first step thank you very much so yeah they say they say what do I have to do being a cult I say you're welcome that's what I say did we skip a few sentences I say no that's how it goes here and so yeah so you know look it's my cult but it doesn't mean that fucking you know I'll get you know if I say you know guys this fucking shit we need this to be you know whatever it is done then yeah somebody's got to do it but there's enough people that some of you like I'll

Starting point is 01:10:19 do it some of you'll do it yeah you see you see you see Chernobyl that show uh-huh is it good yeah really good but the guys are like we need fucking three of you to go in and turn the water off and you're all gonna die in the next week and they did it do it and and everyone's like and then some guy finally was like all right I'll do it it's like if someone's gonna do that so I don't fucking leave the bathroom in the lock cabin you know what I'm saying so yeah so yeah yeah man I'd like to apply I have a question what was your guys's thoughts when you went to each other's podcast studios was it oh yeah also you're an

Starting point is 01:10:51 elder I keep forgetting to bring you the certificate oh really yeah you fucking guest hosted the show oh yeah I got a pin for you dude it's really cool do you really uh-huh oh it's cool man thank you dude it was an honor man it was it was definitely scary you have like a you live in like a gated community first of all and the guy gave me a gang gang whenever I rolled through no we didn't swear to god bro the white guy he was like I look very basic nice guy I don't even know that he I have some video of a mac just secretly videos videoing some of the moments so so because I didn't know what was gonna happen so I got up

Starting point is 01:11:24 there then and like yeah it was crazy somebody was yeah there was like I think magic Johnson was jogging in the neighborhood like it was very intense was sheep some people I think it was Scotland was like in the distance like it was very our areas that are technically Scotland in my yeah there was a lot of endangered species I saw that had nobody seen in a long time actually and I was like oh you know they're looking for you you know I told some of the animals yeah somebody said somebody said to me once hey do you I gotta ask you do you really rank your dogs yeah and I said what do you think

Starting point is 01:12:00 and they said no and I said why are you asking this question and they said that's how that conversation went man I gotta listen to your podcast is more often you know I mean it's kind of you just call me up but it's good yeah there's no guests but yeah man people I mean a lot of people of you know are concerned about their health and safety I liked I liked doing the fucking you did yeah yeah shit thanks yeah it was really fun yeah I thought was really fun and it was good for us I think that like you know oh it's shocked people even my mom was like what is happening son dude my are you getting enough son that's what she

Starting point is 01:12:45 said you're strangely tan yeah you look like a guy that should be much whiter than you are and you and you know that and you know yeah boy yeah what's the deal dude are you outside a lot huh I'm inside man yeah I'm you don't part of my family's from Nicaragua bro and it's not a racial sir yeah my father's from Nicaragua what yeah Nicaragua brah where my knit guards at huh well a little too close okay sorry it's yeah and hopefully the audio is clear on that yeah it is okay I got your back it was a C in there okay good yeah dude it was scary actually I got there and I was like oh how does he it felt different to me I

Starting point is 01:13:32 felt it was hard I felt like it was fun but it was hard I wish I'd prepared a lot of people loved it I mean I guess I thought I didn't really prepare either but but sometimes like the like what some of the most fun I had was taking the calls you know you just like this shit was hilarious those guys look the fucking guys like your listeners bro yeah they're like you know how you know what your listeners are like some of them not all of them but some of them like you know oh I know they're listening and get ready for this because this is what jar okay so you are you know you know have you ever seen total

Starting point is 01:14:04 recall the first one where the guy is like third tit did the guy coming out of the side yes your listeners are that guy and you're the guy yeah yeah your listeners are like the guy coming out of you and they're just like what they call him quanta or what the fuck it is what is it what the fuck you call him that's your listener those are some of your listeners bro what the fuck can I call that guy who knows it's not in the new one though with my god dude you live in such a weird space let's get one more for mr. Krista Leah copy that here we go hey guys it's Kyrick from Rhode Island my question for

Starting point is 01:14:44 Chris is do you think you could grow a mullet equally as great or better than Theo's and if you could would you consider going on a mullet boys tour together thanks guys that's a good question I'm really boy that question I like the guy's energy he did he was confident wasn't he yeah yeah at first I was like I'll fuck this but then he was very confident nice young man too should have maybe thought about his hair a little bit before he fucking sent it over didn't have any plans yeah no plans also has a shirt on backwards no no it's not backwards it's an NHL shirt that's a logo goes there bro that's crazy but

Starting point is 01:15:16 yeah so anyway looks like a good hit I will say this his eyebrows look like they're a little scared of each other yeah but they're trying to get you know they look like they're trying to get over his ears yeah but they're gonna figure it out and also I'm just losing this fan here as we've had no no no no no well this is why you got a fucking you got to tell the fans how it is bro you got it tell it how it is oh you got to man a great guy's a young guy you don't know that dude this can't be the one of the guys I fucking kill people you don't know that okay could be literally be literally could be his fucking somebody

Starting point is 01:15:49 behind him just like this literally that's true you think of murderers ever stopped a murder to watch one of our podcasts yeah yeah one of ours yes a hundred percent you think there's somebody laying dead someone with our podcast just playing in the background I think somebody's been killed to our podcast while it was on like a American Psycho instead of yeah he was in the news like Chris cut just fucking over and over again stabbed and I'm in the back just being like you know let's go to fucking misconnections yeah and then they die and then like fucking the after my podcast is like fucking Pod Save

Starting point is 01:16:34 America it's another Logan Paul talking to a stripper um that's a good question man well we have a question right even though it's about mullets almost say this I I don't think I could pull a mullet off like you no way yeah yeah you've got the right look for it but also I would I wouldn't I like it I like a mullet yeah yeah I would like to do maybe like a mohawk at some point oh very cool but I think I got a fucking maybe I got a weird head I don't even know I haven't seen my head dude that's a risk I've never seen my head would you ever go buzz cut that's it never see my head oh I never see my head I would

Starting point is 01:17:15 never do a buzz cut man it's way scare you gotta be a psychopath my head's like braveheart I never seen it yeah never seen it never seen it saw it once yeah I'll be honest would never see him again but um wow yep well you guys can listen to congratulate congratulations pod I got my podcast congratulations love your podcast love this past weekend yeah thanks for being here man yeah that was one of the craziest things ever I remember watching when you walked on to the screen in our podcast on this podcast I was like holy shit it's like seeing your teacher at the supermarket you're like what are you doing yeah yeah yeah yeah

Starting point is 01:17:51 yep it's a mr. app roberts and who can rouse no way it's weird as fuck you're like oh yeah you got a real life I forgot you think of your teachers just like a fucking at the end of the class we're like okay what and then they just buy and they close the door and they just fucking get in a bed and like an apple next to them but they don't bro they go fucking to the supermarket and shit they got families yeah you see what's in their car you're like what weird tuna fish macaroni bro yeah your nuts where's your wife that was always a scary to realize they didn't have a wife you know who their wife is their wife is

Starting point is 01:18:21 always another teacher oh in like the different school right that's fucking doesn't seem right Mrs. app roberts is in fucking Flint Ridge or some shit yeah things have really changed out here um Chris Leah thanks for coming by man thank you man I had a fucking blast I love coming back I've been wanting to come back so I'm happy really yeah I'm so grateful that you did man will you ever have other guests besides your brother on your podcast I don't know I only have my brother one time but if I do yeah your first online yeah and I got in the YouTube live chat on that it was fun oh you did ripping him up oh I think I

Starting point is 01:18:52 remember that yeah it's so funny I just called him Salvador dolly like 30 but that was pretty cool though was it fun having your brother on yeah he's dope yeah it's cool he's gonna start a podcast where he actually started it he's just banking that episodes and release him he's got he's his park is gonna be fucking awesome I really I don't know what if you would want me to talk about it or not but it's fucking awesome he's got awesome guests hmm yeah it's cool I can't wait to fucking hear it have there been um it has anybody reached out yet about you being a superhero like from I know this is gonna happen for you like

Starting point is 01:19:24 I believe like I'm not joking about that like I know that you're going to be like some sort of a superhero I don't know what the the world will be in or if you could I mean you could even probably create your own universe of superheroes I think that would be very cool yeah I would love to do that because you could do that I uh yeah no I haven't been reached out for any superhero yet but Zachary leave IDM the other day so we're getting close it's all it takes man yeah all it takes bro all right Crystal Lee thank you so much for being here man thank you

Starting point is 01:20:20 for me to set that parking brake and let myself on my

This Past Weekend - Chris D'Elia 2 | This Past Weekend #204

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