This Past Weekend - Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend #170

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Starting point is 00:00:30 You put it in your front pocket. No more of that back activity where you can get pit pocketed or somebody can just feel your butt and say they were trying to touch your wallet. Visit ridgewallet.com slash theo thEO and use code THEO at checkout for 10% off. That's code THEO for 10% off at ridgewallet.com. Today's episode I'm joined by an old friend. He and I spent countless hours barbing each other on the Opie and Jim Norton podcast on Sirius XM over about a year and a half period.

Starting point is 00:01:10 He's one of the funniest young men that I know. He's a father of a multiracial child and he's a beautiful man and he's doing unique things and I'm so happy to have him here with me today in studio. Amazing gentlemen, Mr. Chris Di Stefano. Wow. Long time no see. What up, baby? What up, man?

Starting point is 00:01:46 Yeah, cuz. Dude, that's crazy. You look beautiful in it. You got all blue. Do you wear blue a lot? No. I I've been wearing sweatpants a lot, but you know, I'm flying home today So when I go back to New York, you know, can't just you can't come off the plane and sweats like that

Starting point is 00:02:01 Really, you know, I mean, I guess you could but I just feel like you know I'm going home and then I got to go right to see my family. So do you dress nice when you fly do you dress? I got a little penis. You know that I've never seen your penis. What I've never sent you my dick I never seen that one that I would I put I will block you if you send me it I got one. I thought I sent you one. I'm gonna stay off porn. I'm 43 days right now I I I got one where, you know, I send it out as my dick But it's actually just a television remote in my sweatpants But it looks like I have a fucking hog and when girls ask for a dick pic

Starting point is 00:02:34 That's what I send out and they think like they think I have the biggest dick ever And then when we finally do get to sex, you know, I got to turn all the lights off and get them as wet as possible Suddenly it's the it's the Apple TV remote Yeah, you think it's files Yeah, I mean a lot of this fire stick. What is this little do you want to say it? Look, I do not okay All right, because it looks like a I mean it looks like a hot a hammer. Really? Yeah, dude Like what kind of a you sell like a small hammer? It looks like it. Well, it's just it's just a thick It's a television remote in gray sweatpants, but it looks like my dick, right?

Starting point is 00:03:08 It's easily put and I've sent it around send it to women I said it well what they asked me I sent it to women and then and then I sent it to my boys my boys have it So there's a circulation of that's ever that's my crew's dick pick I do not want to be one of your boys then because I'm trying to do I'm trying to make it to 44 days of no pornography I'm not losing my streak cuz yeah, send me now. What's the thought process on that? Why no porno? I don't like it man Yeah, it's just too It just makes me feel bad about myself. So some of that's my own thing make me feel bad, right? But then secondarily, I don't like

Starting point is 00:03:40 I don't like you know, honestly just spraying out of my own sink, you know It's yeah, yeah at a certain age when you're young. It's fun. It's cool. It's exciting like oh, how much of this? Yeah in my body. Yeah, but you get older. Yeah, like oh, I'm still doing this. I still don't have any groceries You know what? Yeah, it's like listen as you get older, right? You only have a finite amount of energy each day Yeah, I can't be using and a lot of that energy is in your boss a lot of a lot of you know sperm is energy Yeah, so it's like you can't like you said be spraying it out unnecessarily when there's shit you got to do like I'm somebody's dad Right, so it's like I can't jerk off into my belly button anymore

Starting point is 00:04:17 You know what I mean? I that's just shit I can't do anymore because I got a kid to feed so it's like the energy that I have Has to be you know making sure her homework's done watching her cartoons get on my career right going to the gym I can't be on porn hub, you know, just just whacking off into my belly button. Wow, that's I never thought about that Yeah, if you're a dad, it must feel weird to jerk off then does it especially being a dad to a little girl It's like, you know, I just when I'm when I'm when you know, I mean there's still time So I'm just sitting alone and I flick around my piece a little bit and just you know Whatever, you know if a little glue comes out a little glue comes out

Starting point is 00:04:49 But it's one of those things where it's like I'm not actively looking to jerk off And now I only jerk off like I've been out in LA for four days in a hotel room So it's like that's usually that's usually when you pound your nuts the most and I haven't jerked off once Are you serious? Not one time man, and it hasn't been like it hasn't been a proactive. I'm not doing this It's just been like I I've been tired You know, I'm you know, I'll FaceTime my daughter and it's like, you know when you're FaceTime and a three-year-old like You don't check off for a couple of days. Thank God. You can't bro. Yeah, you can't I should start doing that then I should start you'd be a great father, man. Really? I think you should I think you should do it

Starting point is 00:05:25 I really think you should do it now Woody now you're out of wedlock. You have a child out of wedlock. I have a child out of wedlock, unfortunately And is that good or bad? For me personally, I think it's good and the kid doesn't like you I've seen it on Instagram The kid does not like me my daughter does not like me She doesn't think I'm I got my special you know because I got it already yeah, and I played it for him for 45 minutes She stared at the TV. She just didn't she didn't laugh once she didn't even play with her doll She didn't walk away. She just looked emotionless at the TV

Starting point is 00:05:51 I'll post that video when the special comes out emotionless at the TV for about 45 minutes and then asked for some hamburger helper Honestly sound like my kind of lady yo Stares blankly at a TV and then devours a little bit of him. Yeah, she wanted she's like daddy Do you get some hamburger help her? Definitely a date that I could do. Yeah, but I've seen her on your Instagram So she never likes you you take her to school. I do everything man. I can't be Any more involved of a father than I am and she's a child. How old is she? She's three and a half years old. Oh, and so she's half Puerto Rican half Italian Yeah, so it's and her mom is a great lady. Her mom's a great lady. I love and give her any matches, bro

Starting point is 00:06:29 She's fucking burn that shit out. I love I love and support her mom It's just didn't work out with us romantically. Yeah, but we're very good co-parents and I think you know when you ask me for is that I think it's better To have my child raised around actual real love and two people that really love her as opposed to seeing two people who are like being half shells of themselves because they Don't really love each other. You know what I mean? You say that man. I was just Texting I'd been seeing this gal and we and we separated and then I was we were just texting yesterday And it was like, you know, maybe some time we would just have a child

Starting point is 00:07:04 You know should do it just like because I know that she would be a loving parent like that's the thing I even made I remember years ago. I remember I made a deal though with the girl and it was like hey if I 30 Yeah, we don't have any kids. We're gonna. Yeah kid and then I remember like 30 like the night I turned 30 like 12 oh one a I get a text and she's like wow She remembered and I was like, ah, you know what I feel like having a child has done for me Big time is it she saves me my daughter saves me in many ways from like the the tough things that we go through in our Career like if we don't if we go out for an addition and don't get something or we have a pilot doesn't get picked up I don't wallow in my sorrows. I don't drink. I don't commiserate with my boys

Starting point is 00:07:45 I don't say fuck them fuck that. It's like I that energy I get I'm sad for a few minutes about it But I got my daughter saves me in a sense like she doesn't care like when I had a pilot with CBS Right, and it didn't get picked up and I auditioned for that pilot I remember and I didn't get in and he didn't well. Thank God. You didn't get in it because now it's in the fucking toilet Yeah, it's just it's all less moon versus fault. Oh god. Yeah. Yeah, didn't you get busted for yeah It's like, you know what man if you would have picked up my show you would have the protection of the Stefano family I'm saying in this recent troubles, but now you're out on your own player. Yeah. Yeah, so so um, you know when that should happen

Starting point is 00:08:19 I remember I told her she was too at the time and I was like cuz it was like my whole world came down I was like, I'm sorry, you know daddy's thing that he was doing out there. It didn't get picked up and you know I'm sorry apologize apologizing to her which was silly, you know, I didn't but but all she said was you know What the end she let me finish she was like let's watch Mickey Mouse and then so she was hearing me and you know didn't she's two years Old so like she has nothing to respond to she was like look basically what I got from that I was like she was like you're my dad I don't care what you're doing if you're here. I want to watch Mickey Mouse with you like that's what's important to me So don't apologize to me for not getting a TV show on the air like I don't care and I feel like

Starting point is 00:08:55 Biologically my daughter saves me from that and it also helps me with with conserving my energy Like I don't give energy to stuff that's silly like going back and forth with in a text fight or Instagram fight or or or like I said wallowing in my sorrows. It's like I don't I can't man I gotta give my energy to raise my daughter So biologically, I think a child has saved me because at first my peers were like when all shit first happened like you're dumb man I wouldn't have I wouldn't have that baby. It's gonna it's gonna and it's all all of a sudden is enhanced my career Wow, that's all it's done is enhance anything that I've gotten I own a home now. Oh, you look nice. You used to wear hockey jerseys. Dude. I swear fucking hockey

Starting point is 00:09:33 No, bro, remember we used to fight on over. Oh, you ever seen those fights on opi when he said I looked Dutch And then I told him I look like Eileen Warnos the first female serial killer Never kill I was actually I was actually looking at the comments on the YouTube What a successful semen female serial killer. Yeah, I was looking at the comments once. Oh my god Dude, I was getting fucking crushed by your fans. Yeah, well, they hated me. Oh, hey, did they oh my god They were like this fucking bum. Oh, they were crap, but you literally won that fight in head That's afraid to go all the way, bro I'm talking about like if you look at the first 100 comments 80 95 of them like Theo rocks

Starting point is 00:10:09 Five and then five of them like Chris is good, but he still seems he still sounds deaf You said I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym. Oh, dude, you hilarious. Oh, you look like a deaf leper Yeah, now everybody else now opi and Carl and charade are all dead. Oh, you look like the strongest deaf person ever Yeah, dude, dude, if you were real real quiet, yeah, and entered a contest for the strongest person Yeah, you would win, but here's the problem. You would fuck it up, bro You'd want to tell a joke and then your hair and I remember you didn't have a hat on and I said your hair Look like the Michigan State Spartan helmet And then I remember that and then you told me that you and then you know what you said to me

Starting point is 00:10:48 It was so fucking funny. You said you said dude if you if you could meet yourself, you would hate it. They're up. Yeah Dude, that was epic shit. That was a dope fight. Damn. I do look like that No, not anymore Not anymore. You look you fine now son. You're fine girl. Really? Girl your whole career is fucking blown up. You got a real career now, man You go out there you sell tickets. You're not playing bananas in New Jersey to 10 people like me Oh, they yeah, well, I went over there and played it by the railroad tracks Yeah, there was a fire on a train while I was on stage. I believe you man

Starting point is 00:11:24 What's it like now when you go to a place and the tickets are sold? It's got to be a great feeling at this point, right? Yeah, I guess it I mean, it definitely is it is different. You know, it's funnier. It's like you can't you almost forget What it was like when it wasn't Interesting and you and you just almost forget about it quick and you also get nervous that like You know, I feel more pressure now to make Jokes right where before I just felt a pressure to be myself, right? But now it's like they want to be funny. They pay good money to see you Right and now I feel a little bit of that all the time. It's some of that. I don't like and some hope I'm trying to find ways

Starting point is 00:11:59 In my own life to get back into a place where I just feel Like that pressure isn't there. What you won't even like a day even in like a day-to-day basis, you know Like I mean Nick's done so much to help our podcast grow and like Instagram and right, you know He really championed a lot of different ideas and you know, so it's been everything you guys got is professional It's probably like the cameras, you know the content. It's all like it's like podcasting is a business now It's almost like for our friends who don't have podcasts like and who still think like doing a late-night set matters It's like you you're that shit is so 20 you're out of your mind. It's 2019 Yeah, the only way to get ahead is like, you know, having somebody out here like like a Joe Rogan like, you know

Starting point is 00:12:42 All you guys, you know, like that's like being on the tonight show like you guys so like You know Johnny Carson was like the guy and then like all the comedians We've ever heard of Seinfeld Ray Romano all these guys who blew up and became icons did so through Carson and now I feel Like it's Joe Rogan. It's like now you got, you know, you Burr-Crisher Tom Segura all these guys that are selling more tickets than anybody. What's the common theme? You know, you guys all you know crushed it when you came on Rogan You're all crushed it and then because it's one thing It's like people comedians could go on big podcasts and not do well and then nothing happens

Starting point is 00:13:15 So it's like one of those things you guys were all you guys were all great and then you guys all went on the episodes and crushed So it's like now his fans become your fans, but now it's not even now. It's your fans So now it's like when you go. Yeah, maybe the first time they heard of you was through this guy through that everybody needs a godfather Yeah, you know, but that now it's like, you know, you've converted real fans And I think the only way that we can do that now in 2019 is through podcasting So when I came out here to promote my special, I was like, man, I want to do Bert and I want to do Theo I would love to have done Rogan and but it's it's not possible right now, right? I get I got to get to the next level But but I was like that's more important to me than doing any late-night shit

Starting point is 00:13:49 Wow, like the late-night book is like, oh, you know, cuz it's so PC now They're like, oh, I had jokes about my daughter Yeah, Puerto Rican and you know, and they were on my Comedy Central special because one thing I'll say about Comedy Central is They're about the comedian first. That's why it's dope. That's why like Specials that come out on Comedy Central are dope because they they the executives there are not scared They're like, no, no, no, this is the name comedy is in our network Right, so if you think that shit's funny, even if it's crossing the line and whatever it then we'll stand by you and we'll protect you So it's that part of some of Ron Funch's clips and his just did really well and his clips

Starting point is 00:14:23 Yeah, where he called his son the n-word. Yeah, man, and I I respected it was just like that's it was so funny Yeah, dude, but for them to be willing to also put that out and I just saw one of yours too Actually, they started putting clips of yours. I put clips of mine up now Yeah, someone yesterday. So I have a clip actually one of the clips I put up is me impersonating my poor my my daughter Can we play it or not? Yeah, sure. I don't care. Will we get in trouble for playing that day? Well, it's where is it posted? It's on my Instagram. Okay. Yeah, fine and his daughter's Puerto Rican Yeah, my Puerto Rican. Oh, well actually this the clip that I was on my Instagram I'm gonna post a daughter one tomorrow the clip that's on my bill that crib. You know what I'm saying, bro

Starting point is 00:14:58 Yeah, baby These kids They they they said I couldn't do it on late night or I could do those jokes But I couldn't impersonate and put on a Puerto Rican accent cuz I'm not Puerto Rican and it's like that's such bullshit Like it's my daughter. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's my kid. It's your kid And you know what's funny is they'll let anybody get on there and impersonate like somebody from the south or somebody Midwest yeah, or somebody who they think is yeah, you know uneducated as long as the uneducated person isn't black Yeah, it's but if it's like they're whiting on it. Yeah, then it's fine

Starting point is 00:15:27 But the thing is the people in all these networks, they're fucking white Yeah, but that's why I like what you have like the success the type of success you have and the way that you're selling tickets now It's so powerful because you could not that you're a scandalous dude All right, let's do still finger women do you still get paid to finger women or that's okay So you see you see you're not a scandalous dude Yeah, and it's like even if even if you said something that was out of bounds Unintentionally your fans are still gonna be there man You're still gonna go to wherever place and sell out that theater where some of these dudes are

Starting point is 00:15:55 Comedian friends who are tied up with these on these networks like they say one shit their fucking career is done You know everything will be taken away from them But you got real fans that fuck with you right you could say whatever you want to them because they're like and that's what I want That's what you guys have I mean. That's what I'm going after like I got a podcast called the history hyenas Yeah, it's you and Giannis me and Giannis Papas and we go fucking wild in that podcast and he's a where's he from? He's Greek isn't he's Greek. Yeah, we go wild and our fans You know they're not as as powerful and big as your guys fan bases yet But it's like, you know, we're trying to get there man. We just it's unfiltered shit

Starting point is 00:16:28 We're talking about history, but we're being honest about shit, you know, so it's don't certainly deserve it man You and Andrew Schultz are two like the funniest guys that I always think about Schultz he is his Schultz he's got a career that's that like you man Schultz Schultz wherever he goes He sells out and he put his shit on every network to notice Schultz. Everybody. Everybody's to notice our special every single Yeah, he was like a Male show I heard all kinds of whatever bullshit they said, but he was the the best comedian I saw when I was in New York Yep Now he's got millions and millions and millions of views and what does that translate to ticket sales?

Starting point is 00:17:00 Yeah, so it's like, you know, you gotta have this mindset where it's like the fit We got the fans give us power like we and we have the fans have direct access to us and we have direct access to them It wasn't like that in the 90s It's like, you know what I mean like Jerry's Jerry Seinfeld could only be Seinfeld with one show on NBC, you know Like and there was only one big show. There was a few networks. It's like now with this over saturation It's like man, you like something you could walk you could be sell you could walk past the theater that you have sold out and People may not even recognize you because they're sold out with your specific fans Whereas like back in the day, it's like to be like a big, you know

Starting point is 00:17:33 If a guy who's selling out theater tickets He would not be able to get through the airport without having to take a thousand autographs, right? But shit's different now like John Wayne. Yeah, man. It's like who else Jump fucking Marilyn Monroe No, no more cream of dulce bar. I'm talking about an entertainer though. Maybe new John Newton. That's what I'm thinking of John Newton Let's play the clip real quick. I fucking hate not Olivia Newton. I hate myself. This is about my baby mama Is it let's you date a Puerto Rican girl? You need to have the answers quick You need to like have facts right away because they won't interrogate you and if you don't have the answers quick

Starting point is 00:18:06 You look like a liar and they watch men. They are designed to watch men watching waiting That's what they do. They make excellent NFL referees. I think if you had Puerto Rican girls reffing the games You'd have zero missed calls the whole season because they see everything Could you imagine they were the refs there would be right there like um, yeah, I don't stupid Yeah, I don't need instant replay I Instantly saw you step out about so I mean, I don't even know the rules just go home Yeah, they told me I can't do that shit on late night because I'm impersonating a Puerto Rican

Starting point is 00:18:54 That's how wild is that? Yeah, isn't it? We live in a fucking twilight zone kind of world, man But it's a zone that's eating itself like that. Yeah, all that stuff. It's like dude. I remember for years You know, they said well, you can't do comedy because you were on a reality television show. All right, and then they said well you You know, then they'll say, oh, well, you know, we don't we don't need a southern guy We don't need this and like and there was even no opportunities. There's no shows even and I'm not even a son I mean, I must from the south, but yeah, I don't like you're not like a Larry the cable guy's southern comedian Yeah, I don't identify with I mean identified just with like I mean if anything I identify with somebody who Doesn't feel like they are valued right and that could be anyone that could be anyone. There you go

Starting point is 00:19:37 Yeah, see I and yeah, and I feel like my comedy is for anyone who you know It is kind of like misinterpreted where like you would look at me and think I'm gonna talk about You know, whatever football and sports and banging chicks, but I'm really just talking about anxiety And let's be honest banging dudes. Yeah, shout out grinder man some chicks No, I've had a chick or two. Yeah, I don't that's another thing man Here's a here's what I learned about myself. I'm the kind of dude. I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women Yeah, like I'm in love. I could fall in love with you, dude Like we go to the beach we could chill like I could do this all day

Starting point is 00:20:12 I'm not trying to have sex with you, but I want to have sex with a woman like you'll get me horny and I'll bang out A chick. Oh, I like isn't that wild? Yeah, it's a wild fucking kind of brain to have right like tell your friend Hey, Amber come over bring up Keith over for a little bit, too. Yeah, you know, yeah He can talk to Keith about about football and stuff and about like what he feels about shit But then I want to get in in your pussy. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't want to talk to you. That's fucking wild Oh, that's wild man. Yeah, it is interesting man. It's a Yeah, it's it's a Good hair, bro. I do. Yeah, dude. I just fucking wish I could grow my shit out like that. I can't though

Starting point is 00:20:46 Bro, you I wonder how you would look with long hair. Oh, I would have it Didn't you step a ponytail somebody? No, I never bro. I had used to work on like a on one of those like, um Like daytime cruise boats. Yeah, you make Dude, you know what we should do mean you we should have do a like a boxing mask for charity and the winner has to get the other guy's haircut You gotta come with this fucking shit. I will never do a boxing master charity. It's a great way to end your career It's like hey, they always set you up against somebody's gonna beat your ass Yeah, now dude, I feel like you could catch me man. No, that's me on the chin once I'd be done dude

Starting point is 00:21:24 If I I can't no, I couldn't do it man but it's so interesting the stuff that you're saying just about like Like the industry and like people doing their own thing I remember after I went on Joe Rogan when I went on Joe Rogan's podcast and I left out of there and I was like Man, he he has his own thing, right? No, right. Yeah, and it really inspired me. I was like, oh, wow, I could do I Could do my own thing. I mean, dude, look look look at all like the big interviews of the last year You know, you know, like the big gets Elon Musk, you know Barack Kanye West is like it big people can't wait for anything That's Tyson today. Mike Tyson today. That shit used to be Barbara Walters, man

Starting point is 00:22:01 That was Barbara Walters 2020. That's how the country tuned in to that now you go to Joe Rogan Yeah, so it's like one of those things where you know to have a dude like that as like a as like a gatekeeper is It's cool. I just wish I knew if I lived out here. I hope I will get to know him better But that's the only that's the only issue still hold in New York back Is a lot of the dudes that are really popping off, you know with podcasts and you guys are out here We have guys in New York like ours should fear on them and it's awesome to do their shows Yeah, but like popping off popping off like you guys. It's not we don't have that really yet in New York Yeah, I mean, I feel pretty fortunate. Yeah, like even this that I get to hang around some of those guys

Starting point is 00:22:37 Like does somebody send us this picture that a man made? Yeah, it's fucking dope. Yeah I mean, I was so nerve like I even the point I first went on Joe Rogan's I was so nervous and even this time I was still a little bit nervous It's like because you almost feel like it is that tonight show in some ways kill on it But then it's also like trying to get to know him and like yeah The most time we ever spend together is on there when we spend time together at the comedy store But it's not like right you're sitting down really being able to communicate one and see and see that's what I like about You know podcast his podcast and and all you guys podcast and every podcasting is like if you gain fans

Starting point is 00:23:08 If I could step out of here like say today if I step out here and I've gained some of your fans I didn't fool them because we were talking for an hour like a late night set of a five minute thing You could fool somebody like see there five minutes at the comedy store We're like all that dude ripped and then you go watch it out It's like oh, it's suck if you're listening to me for over an hour and you're in then you're in Then you got an inkling at his I can't I can't fool you man But if after now you're like I don't fuck with this dude, then you're never gonna fuck me and that's okay, too But that's why I'm saying like that's what I mentioned before

Starting point is 00:23:35 It's like you could go on these big guys podcast and a lot of comedians just come and go on them But to be able to stick and get their fans that means like you really move them and then now they're your fans You know what I mean, and that's what I want with my career. I just want like it's gonna happen I want it's happening Well, no, I want one of those I want to be one of those guys though like my people always ask me like oh What's your goals and shit and like Michael number one to sell tickets and number two I know it's subjective and it's like people say don't care what people think and that's true to a degree But I think it is important to have respect from your peers. I want my peers in comedy to be like hey

Starting point is 00:24:07 Chris would be funny in any decade. He's not just funny because of the parameters of 2019 Right, he's not just funny because he's saying some politically correct charge Message that is getting claps that yes, he's getting you know accolades for now But it's really only getting accolades because times have changed. I want to be like yo that dude would have been funny in 1979 and he's funny in 2019 and that there's really no objective way to measure that that would just be subjectively through my peers being like Oh, you know, that's how we feel about you. So that's that's what my goal is. Do you feel like most comedians feel like you're very funny though There's no doubt about that. I think I think you know what it is, man I think once I started to get in New York like the OGs out here like you guys, you know, like, you know

Starting point is 00:24:45 you got Joe Rogan's and and and You know Mark Marin and guys that have been out here for a long time like our OGs are like Colin Quinn David tell Yeah, Bobby Kelly, they know these are like the OGs at the comedy so so those guys are you know I get invited to those guys barbecues and I work with those guys and they invite me to shows like like Colin Quinn It's like a personal friend of mine. So that's more That's more validation for me than any late night shit. I ever did any TV show ever did It's like the validation comes from the peers like a Colin Quinn saying hey I put my stamp on this guy then that's good enough. You know, I mean, yeah, man

Starting point is 00:25:17 I mean you're I feel like you have just such a great story Where you bummed that the how did that feel obviously were bummed up and you said that the daughter kind of changed it for you But did you feel like was there a moment when the the pilot that you had it didn't go you were like I was fucked up man I mean, you know, it happened I was in San Francisco and they told me and the flight was taking off like literally where you know You know like when you turn on your phone on airplane mode that last second as the plane starts to accelerate That's what I was doing and it was like my thumb was like halfway to that airplane mode and the text You know came in on the top of the screen from my manager

Starting point is 00:25:49 CBS pass. Sorry bud and that's you know, I mean and then so it's just like airplane mode hit it And it was just like I got you know, I listen I licked my wounds I said, you know what for five hours while I'm in these guys. I'm gonna have a few drinks. I'm gonna fucking let loose I'm gonna be upset. I'm gonna go on there anybody cool on the plane No, no, no, it was just it was just me and I might even remember that now I don't even remember I was business class So I got the I got the upgrade a business class luckily right before so there was some good will right in it So so I remember I just cried a little bit. I just cried a little bit in the bathroom. You really shut it here

Starting point is 00:26:20 No, absolutely yet because I mean do don't forget for that when they told me about the heart it was 18 months of my life That was on hold, you know 18 months of my career where it's like and and and you know They do a good job these networks of making you feel like you're the man and trust me man You're right here when the reality was you know my shit and that see here's here's here's why it hurt a little bit more It's one of those things where it's like if I'm playing a sport like when I was when I was playing basketball I would rather lose by a hundred then lose by one at the buzzer and overtime because it's like the heart At least a hundred you could be like, all right, it ain't gonna happen. Yeah So when they released the Friday in in May when they released. Oh, you know CBS has greenlit these four shows

Starting point is 00:26:57 You know we called my reps called CBS and they were like, you know, thank you for the opportunity You know, we just saw the deadline article. We didn't make it. He said no, no, no The CBS like no, no, no, they're gonna pick up a fifth show. It's between your show and another show So he's not out yet. We're negotiating right now less moon vets and powers that be at CBS are all talking about and it took Two hours, but they picked the other show. No, so so the other show the other show was Wasn't that Malcolm in the middle? No, no, no, the other show was was living biblically. It got canceled after three episodes The other show was dude and living is hard, bro Yeah, first of all, you trying to do it right now 43 days in dude

Starting point is 00:27:37 You gotta buy a bunch of roads. Yo, you know, yeah, you gotta hide your favorite friend behind a rock You know matter what the temperatures you gotta go out there and sandals Shit got canceled immediately I don't fucking know man It's just that shit got canceled immediately Yeah, some worse shows you could Oh, yeah, Jamie Kennedy was that you could have lost out to gravity hunters. Yo Living biblically fucking hurt man

Starting point is 00:28:11 Yo, did you watch living biblically? Yeah, I want I honestly watch it really with an open mind Like a true open mind and I was like, yo, is it just me or is this shit suck dick? And they were like my boys were like, yo, this is the worst TV show I've ever fucking seen and then I waited the next day to like, you know, like they released like, you know They put it out there at least the ratings and you know, like all variety calm deadline You know there at first episode of a TV show that you know, they were fucking hating on it They were like who grins so once somebody some thoughts and prayers already brought a variety Yeah, so it's like it said CBS takes a dump on Monday nights with new pickup of living biblically

Starting point is 00:28:49 That's what one of the headlines was and I was like shit That's hectic, you know, look, I like the Bible, but I'm just saying if you know living biblically in a city whack title, too But I guess they feel like middle America, you know, they live biblically like I will live That's another problem with Hollywood man I said this the people that work in Hollywood a third fourth fifth generation, right, you know, and it's a probably Jewish It's a Jewish business. It's just like, you know, and so it's like they don't have that much of a connection to yeah Well, they used to some it used to be people that had moved, you know People that had moved to Los Angeles or New York from other parts of America, right?

Starting point is 00:29:24 But now it's just third fourth generation. So yeah, a lot of these people don't even know anyone, right? They've never been to visit a family member in different parts of America. They have no way So of course a show like living biblically. Yeah to some mutant that has no idea I know what a half of America is like and it's like oh that sounds good like Los Angeles, too And many parts of New York now they feel like little islands off the coast of real America like it's so disconnected Oh, wow, they really do it's like little islands off the coast the actual real America doesn't you know The actual real America doesn't give a fuck if there's a transgender Asian lead in a pilot They just want to be funny if the transgender Asian lead is funny

Starting point is 00:30:00 They're gonna fuck what your show bang But they don't give a fuck so so these people sit in these towers and you know first of all some of the people making Decisions on my CBS show were in the accounting department three years ago and I'm not saying that to be funny I'm talking about there was a dude who was giving me notes on my comedy Who was in the accounting department of CBS three years prior and just somehow moved up So it was like so the one thing that I took away from it the lesson that I have because I really did learn shit You know, there's this I feel like there's you only learn through pain, right? That that's really what I believe So so when I went through that pain man, you know, it hurt and then but what I learned was this

Starting point is 00:30:34 I realized looking back in hindsight so many times. I Overrode my own gut I overrode my gut in the sense that I would let a CBS person tell me Hey, it would be funnier if you did this and it would be fun if you do that and your comedy should be about this and I Listen to them because I said, you know what I'm gonna listen to them And then I'm gonna get my pilot on the air because it's exactly what they want and then my and then I can and then I can I'll do what I want myself and they the worst feeling the world was not only having my pilot not picked up But looking at it and even though I was proud of it because the guys I created with who created how I met your mother were great

Starting point is 00:31:07 Dudes, but when when when I looked at I said, you know what this was their this was it turned into their comedy Wow, and I was like, I'll never do that again Like right now I got a cartoon and development with with a comic central right about my life And it's like I'm good. I can work with teams I'll listen I'll listen I'll take a joke from somebody off the street because you never know gold is gold is out there But if my gut is telling me no, this is not funny or no, this is not gonna work Then I'm not gonna override anymore. I'm gonna say nope This is what I want because I'm gonna at least live and die with my decisions not somebody else's decisions that I made

Starting point is 00:31:38 Because I thought it would help my career and it did it and I learned that I learned that the hard way But now it's because I hear this a lot because we're doing a pilot right now with comedy central Called man up and it's based on likes people call into the podcast notes on scripted Well, so we had three digital episodes and they're online and a lot of our fans know a lot of our you know the crew that listens know about them, but It's like yeah, people call into the podcast and then we get meet up in person and try to help them with some sort of Situation that's going on in the right and maybe not help, but just be part of their life. That's dope. You know, so But yeah, there's some ideas where I'm like, oh, I know this would be super funny

Starting point is 00:32:16 And then I've gotten other ideas from the network to like well, why don't we do this? Yeah, sometimes I'm like and then the producers will be like well if you do what they are saying, right? Then they cuz they're gonna be some of the ones that are gonna make the decision. That ain't true though Because the truth is the truth is well first thing I'll say this and I mean this I'm not just saying this because I have a Special on them and I have an overall deal with them I truly from my heart the cop the executives I've worked with at least in New York on Come at Comedy Central and I know some LA dudes and they're all I put them in the same vein They are about funny first and they at least are very experienced in their job

Starting point is 00:32:50 Like you're not like almost all the executives at Comedy Central come from a comedy background They weren't in the accounting department two years ago. Yeah, so they know comedy But still if it's gut for you feels wrong, then you have to override them But I know more than any other executive ever work with Comedy Central knows what they're doing But you know, I feel like I feel like yeah So like if if but if it feels wrong to you then yeah, I mean there's nothing there's nothing you could do about it You know because they tell you they're like, oh, well, you're gonna have You know, you're gonna have if you do this

Starting point is 00:33:21 That if they like, you know, you kind of want to appease them some because you want to get what they want You don't want to give them something that seems so foreign to them Well, you know what's another thing too It's like, you know, when you think there's some truth to that I do because I think when your producer said to you Oh, give like, you know Do what they say because these are gonna be the people making decisions The truth of the matter is even what the most even with the most seasoned comedy executives And this is I'm sure this is true in drama and all that too, but I can only speak for comedy comedy executives

Starting point is 00:33:49 They don't know what they want. They don't know they only know what they want when you show them So they could say, oh, how about this? You know what Theo? I think I think you should have that plan over here and that would be funny But if you just say you go rogue and you say, you know what I'm putting the fucking plant Why don't I want to put the plant all of a sudden like that's genius and then they pick up your shit Right because a lot of times they're going in blind They don't know they have no idea what they want until you show it to them You know when I learned that when I was casting my pilot where I was like because I was on the other side of the camera

Starting point is 00:34:16 Wow, yeah, so I was I I watched hundreds of audition tapes hundreds and dealt with hundreds of people coming in and out and everybody that pretty much came in, you know to be honest with you There was three. There was three of the parts. I wanted somebody else because I was like when they came in I was like, no, this is the person this has got to be the person But they overrode me because they wanted big celebrities and and I get it. I get it's a business too I get everything can't be about the art. I get right show business I but stacking things with celebrities is so limiting these days. I feel like it's like it's just like even with the election It's like, you know, they just they're like, you know, Hollywood controls so much

Starting point is 00:34:51 And so it's like all the celebrities are like, we're gonna we're gonna get on the same thing Listen, man, and it didn't work because most of America knows it's fake man Yeah, I'm telling you man We just know we could it's very easy to see the bullshit like these very very easy to see when you're no where you're in an award show When you're watching an award show the Oscars or Golden Globes or whatever and these celebrities just going up there patting themselves on the back I know and just being win bad mad. It's so inferior because you know, it's fake because you know when they go home They're probably using plastic straws and they don't give a fuck about the turtles. Yeah, you know what I mean Oh, well, ten years ago. It was like gas-o-fishing cars and now that that's not even a thing

Starting point is 00:35:27 That's not trendy anymore. Like it shows up to Priuses and all yeah, man It's just it makes me mad. It's just whack and I think most most of the country Sees the bullshit most most of us do Um, you know, but I've been punching the face a lot You've been punching the face a lot like I live my life in the gray zone because you know, it is It's like somebody on Twitter, you know, that wants to stand by his or her opinions It's like yeah, you could stand by your opinions and start blocking people But the truth is the shit hasn't gotten violent for you

Starting point is 00:35:54 Right because I would like if you're a real fucking martyr then say what you just said to the opposite to a person to to somebody Who doesn't agree with you to their face and then see what see if you really stand by your opinion Yeah, I've been hit so much that I fucking you know, I know man It's like you listen man, I got I got opinions, but I'm not standing by anything Like you know what I mean once you put those fists up if you want me to change my tune the tune will be changed playboy Yeah, man, it's I mean, it's definitely it definitely is like the Wild West. Sorry To interrupt the episode, but I gotta know are you one of the 64% of Americans at that drink coffee daily? Well, if you are why not try and have a new experience?

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Starting point is 00:38:38 You know, I mean, I know I did a lot of work over the years you and stand up But you did your thing man, you just you know and now and now look and it's a beautiful thing because now It's like you have an opportunity to like be out here for like long format stuff People get to know you that feel like they're a part of your family Yeah, and then they come out to the shows man, and you'll never lose them You'll never lose the fans. I could have people like you won that I think are funny dude You could do something fucked up tomorrow and maybe you'll lose ads on the podcast Yeah, but you ain't gonna you ain't gonna lose your fans. What do you think I would do?

Starting point is 00:39:08 They'd be fucked up an honest crime. You could see me doing. Let me take the honest real shit that I could see you doing a Real crime, and I'm gonna tell you a couple about you. Yeah, okay So like a guy like you well first of all you look like you're on crystal meth Like you know what I mean like I know you're not but like you look like like like it would be it would be Shocking to me that a guy that looks like you isn't using crystal meth Like I'd be I'm in shock that you're not why because there's not a t-shirt under the sweater Well, there's just sweater to scan it sweater to skin. Yeah, and really like and just like the hair and the beard It's like it's like you just look like a beard. Well, whatever like a little bit of hair

Starting point is 00:39:40 He's got like a civil warhead. You know what I mean? And it just looks like like you use drugs to like get through your pain. You know what I mean? So I would think so I so definitely like robbing a liquor store is what you look you have that robbing a liquor store Look, you also look like you could be like yours. You're a suspect You look like you're in any making a murder of shit like you're on the list for sure You're on the short list So I would say one of those either a murder suspect or robbing a bank But I think like an actual crime you could actually do like with who you are as Theo not on drugs

Starting point is 00:40:10 Like LA like as Theo von right now. So I think you I could see you Being to being a distracted driver texting and kill a mentally challenged person That's what I could see you doing and then leaving the scene of the accident. Oh, yeah I could see you doing that and then do I leave with them. Do I put them in the back of my car Yeah, and then as an attempt to cover. Yeah, like and then I raise them at home. Exactly. Oh, that's a good movie Yeah, but you could lose a sponsor for that. Yeah, yeah, you may lose an ad, but what about years later when I reintroduce him to society And he don't fucking dance. Yeah, I mean, it's like like that movie now Remember that movie? Yeah, which is raised by Wolfs and that's the song at the end if I asked you today

Starting point is 00:40:45 And it's me wheeling him out into a gymnasium. Yeah, dude His parents haven't seen him for years and I'm not even excited to see him. Yeah, and I'll wheel him out there Do he gets up and just would you say my so Tonight I can be and then he's looking just pure wet here. Yeah, and it's we'll chat that beautiful That's the crime I could see you do. Yeah, what about me two gay guys in the stands is hold a lighter up Yeah, it's like chill out fellas. You know, yeah, this boy is mine. What about me? What do you think I could do? Let me think I could see you being like a

Starting point is 00:41:14 Obviously you seem like a dude that works at a toll booth that's fucking all right tells people is gonna do something different like on your lunch break You tell all the black ladies you're gonna be doing something different. Yeah, but you still keep coming back Yeah, and you always pocket a couple of quarters. You think you have a scheme. It's like stealing like 75 cents a day Yeah, stacking it up at home for like a big adventure. Yeah, I live with my mother for sure Atlantic City. Yeah, so petty crime like that 75 cents a day crime. I could see you doing. Yeah. Um, what else I could see you Going into the Air Force. I could see you doing some like a wall type of shit, right? Yeah Yeah, go in row going to another country. Yeah, Afghanistan or Saddam doing some shit like that saying yeah Or somewhere in Iraq and just like because like because I just want to defend freedom and defend my country

Starting point is 00:41:58 I'm killing innocent women and children. Yes in the Middle East. Yeah, some dirty homeland type. Yeah. Yeah Next thing you're over there in a fucking sweat lodge. Yeah, just drinking curry through a straw Yeah, I just gets me they try to I got but I got such a big head. I just keep fucking up there beheading videos Yeah, I got like a size 8 hat head. I could see you Yeah, and getting in a lawsuit with new era hats Yeah, I got a big-ass head man your Dutch. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm not Dutch Actually, I thought my whole life. I was Italian and German like every other, you know white piece of shit on the East Coast But I found that I'm like 70% German. Wow. Yeah, mostly German. So you were kind of right a little what yeah, that's all right

Starting point is 00:42:34 Yeah, what are some what's the Louis CK situation like in New York? Is it different than it is out here? Well, I don't know. I mean he doesn't really come you don't really he doesn't pop up out here, right? No I heard why you know what there was one night where I heard that he was At like the Lyric Theater or something and this was about six weeks ago, but that's I just heard it from one person And so I don't know if that's true. Yeah, he pops up, you know around like comedy selling shows like that And it's just like you know, it's one of those things I think the main difference that what I see now is he doesn't really hang out. He just come does his spot and leaves Does he seem nervous?

Starting point is 00:43:05 Um, you know and just vibe, you know just by just a vibe I would say the first night I was there the first time he came back. He was he was nervous for sure For I think even he would admit that yeah, how could you not be? Yeah, but now he's not so much I mean, he's you know buried in his notes kind of writing thing comes out You know, he's got to deal with every time he goes up people will walk out and leave You know, he's gonna have to probably deal with that for as much as he comes in unannounced to a comic club He's gonna have to deal with people being like we want our money back. It's just you know It's just what it is in society right now

Starting point is 00:43:34 But uh, every to be honest with you man every time he goes up he murders he rips like the people there They they because it's like it's good jokes. It's like it's like look, you know, Bill Cosby's in prison because what he did was a crime And and he doesn't deserve a chance. Well, and maybe he would after he's rehabilitated in prison. That's what these laws That's what we have laws then yeah Hypothetically, he should be allowed to come back because he did his time Louis he came never committed a crime right for sure what he did was outside the fringes of what's normally socially accepted Hello vegan dude jerking off in a plan is hella hella vegan dude. Yeah, and he put that net yet and look at energy into energy Well, please that's a soup out here fucking, you know, man. I'd eat that in North Hollywood. Oh, I'd have a little I'm not gonna

Starting point is 00:44:16 Have a lot. Yeah, but it's like, you know, what the shit of course it was, you know, you know, right the media definitely got a hold of me He definitely Scott doesn't have to lose his life in his career Not even a piece of power. Yeah, and yeah, I Whenever I saw me seem like you had a real heart ego like just like yeah He was also the biggest comedian like yeah, like real comedian You know how hard it is to be at the top like that everybody asking you for shit one shit from you So look man, I don't know Louis too well the few times I have been around him He's been kind to me, you know, he really has been and but you know

Starting point is 00:44:47 I yeah, I know like the situations that he puts some people in it wasn't right But it's not a crime and it doesn't lose the deserve to lose his career over Yeah, I don't think so man I think if you commit a crime then yeah, you like Cosby is what happened to Cosby is right Hardly Weinstein these guys if shit's proven you should go to jail for that Yeah, he got caught up in that with the you know He definitely was in that tidal wave of stuff that was going on at the same time Yeah, man, so it's like but look rules have changed now

Starting point is 00:45:12 I think the positive things about all these movements is I know at some you know There's people that take advantage of them and then the media wants to jump on that too and people want to jump on that But look things have changed man. I'll tell you what I've always respected women You know as I grew up around all women, but like I certainly It made me think about my actions exactly. It's like maybe think like you know what the way I was in 2010 I still wasn't not raping anybody assaulting anyone, but I maybe wasn't as self-aware as I am now Yeah, so that's positive. I think that's ultimately what they wanted. You know, oh, there's definitely some positives Yeah, there's always but you know, there's always gonna be because it's like, you know

Starting point is 00:45:46 People walk around and fear not so all guys that can't do anything. It's like well, you can't be an asshole Well, if you know what I mean, if some girl comes accusing me shit, it's like it's not gonna be true Well, I don't do any it made me think about my sit one like what it made me think about like it Maybe think about a couple things made me think like wow, it did make me look at myself Yeah, you know a couple things even some of these movements like when the black lives matter stuff was happening was real, you know big more popular, right? You know that was a time like when true, you know, the Trump was running for president and it was like really divided and that's that's a time when I felt like Dude, there's nobody even in like I came all the way to LA to be a you know I felt like I would grew up really a Democrat, you know, I grew up poor Southern Democrat. Yeah opportunities, you know

Starting point is 00:46:27 I grew up, you know, never liked the rich really because they The one thing I didn't like about the rich was that if one of them got in trouble for something They were able to get out of it, right before it never got to the papers the next day It never in the middle of the night There was some phone calls made and they were able to get through somebody knew somebody and that's the thing that always Because then there was no consequence, right for them, right? And so that always just made me so angry, right, but anyways, but then I get out to LA and then I'm suddenly I'm like You know looked at is like

Starting point is 00:47:00 You know, everybody just immediately is like, oh, well this guy's just a redneck this guy's an idiot, right? You know, just cuz the way that I sound or just like get judged Yeah, cuz my skin and it made me and I couldn't I was like, I there's not even any roles for me here, you know, right? We never even championed a southern comedian and so but that's I'm saying when Larry the cable that that box is 25 But that's what I'm saying That's why I think what you did is so great because you just built your own way Yeah, and that's thank God we have the opportunity to do that in 2019 because if this was 1999 you would be fucked, right? You know, now you're not but now it made me think but in 99

Starting point is 00:47:32 I think you still have some opportunities. They had like shit like the Torkelsons and fucking yeah some other shows living biblically Yeah, yeah It was just the ten of us. I mean, they're all women but some dumb decisions. I'm saying that publicly CBS Oh, dude, you know should have kept your boy. These people look I can't even imagine the number of bad shows that have been passed around these Troubled rooms. Yeah, like that's all I could have been on the dang Torkelsons. I would have definitely made that up Yeah, yeah, yeah with the blue pants. I thought it was a group of people. I thought it was like a cartoon of like Sea horses. What station was it on? Oh, I don't know ABC NBC show. We had two stations It was on one of them. Yeah, but I remember this so this is what I remember

Starting point is 00:48:12 I remember being like man because of how I sound or how I looked and I'm not gonna have it I'm not gonna have any opportunities, right? I really feel on that and then I was like man This must be how yeah black people feel sometimes probably or this must be how yeah Latinos never complain really no Latinos are gonna Hopefully I don't take over the world. Yeah, and I would happily say be a manita's because that's why I deserve it That's why I have a Puerto Rican daughter, man. I'm fucking gotten that shit early my career 100% because you know I'm a straight white male. We're very easily hateable and I look like a tiki torch You know what I mean? I look like the problem. I'm undercover cop. So my Puerto Rican daughter, man It's like what are you gonna say to me now? I'm like fucking I got my baby Puerto Rican girl

Starting point is 00:48:51 Yeah, you know you look like definitely like a guy that works at the church. It gets busted like a church pastor But the shady yeah, you know, I look like somebody's ex. Yeah, I look like somebody's ex-husband Yeah, you look like definitely every ex-husband on a lifetime movie Yeah, like you you know you're dating this girl you love her and then she's like oh I have a kid with this guy and it's a fucking let down. You're like, oh fuck. I gotta do this guy's got to be a part of my life Yeah, you should carry a lunch pail Well, like I'm coming up with some like fucking protein and fuse vodka or some shit like and it's a dumbass invention But it made me feel like that it brought that it brought that I mean it brought into my mind and it brought into my heart

Starting point is 00:49:28 Oh, man, this is how yeah, somebody must feel if they don't feel like they have an opportunity Right, so that was I never would have had that that yeah And now that's just a matter of macro level at a micro level. Yeah, some people don't take advantage of their opportunities You know some you know people have a million opportunities no matter what color their skin are they don't they never really And like I'm and like when you just put the product out there when it's unfiltered Uncentured it's like just coming from my brain like as the artist like I'm sure you find like like my fan base at the history Hyena podcast it's very it's so culturally diverse like it's so culturally diverse It's crazy men women all different races religions and I'm sure you feel the same because funny

Starting point is 00:50:07 It's funny man But these executives and these people in these so-called gatekeepers and bloggers want to say oh You have to talk about this group or do that. It's like yo bro. Funny is funny has no race. It's it's a universal language It's like that's what brings shit together like my pops old-school Italian guy, right? Like nowadays in 2019 you could blog about him and you could make my father a villain when in reality my dad in 2012 when Hurricane Sandy happened and it like ravaged New York Staten Island where my pops lives The coast of Staten Island got fucked up and most of it is like most of it was Latino immigrants and and black people most of it But my dad's house was not touched so my dad rented a u-haul truck every single day

Starting point is 00:50:48 Went down there helped out the families and even for two weeks let two separate families stay in his house While they because they had nowhere else to go, but you know while he was doing that My dad's just an old-school kind of guy comes from a different world He was making jokes like they got one guy's name was Jose kept calling them one He kept telling them like hey don't steal my silverware, you know You know like you guys want to play bait like just corny old hack jokes But the truth is is like all those families they love him like he's their dad because he saved their lives for two Weeks, right? So it's like everybody wants to I feel like I feel like a society. We're in defense mode

Starting point is 00:51:22 It's like somebody gets famous. Oh now we're waiting for that person to fuck up dig through their tweets What's gonna go wrong like what Kevin Hart? Yeah, oh go back ten years to find tweets like well If you really wanted if actions spoke if actions truly spoke louder than words It's that bullshit that they regurgitate that to be honest mostly the left regurgitates Yeah, but actions speak louder than words then you would see Kevin Hart's actions in ten years finding no tweets But all of a sudden to make the narrative good for you You're gonna flip it and say oh now words are louder than actions. So it's like what you know, you playing an unwinnable game That's why yeah having a podcast and having your own fan base is my goal because my pee I can speak to my people

Starting point is 00:52:01 I'm immune to all like you're immune to all that shit man Yeah, nobody's digging through your tweets and if they either they're your fans, right? I mean, yeah And it's like also like I just don't understand how you don't like expect that like how can you be like everybody deserves the opportunity to change? But then you know, you're preaching that all the time, but then you're not there's no empathy for people There's no like well, what if somebody does change? You know like how can somebody not change like you should be great You saw something ten years ago. You don't see anything now. Yeah, it's like, you know, even like You know those you know the char the Charlottesville when they had the tiki torture guys or whatever, you know And but 50 that you know 60 years ago or something or 40 years ago. They had in the 60s. They had

Starting point is 00:52:40 Like a clan rally. I think that had 50,000 people in Madison Square Garden. Yeah, man Like what a great progress like sure. That's fucked up, but it's like Why not be like oh the last ditch effort of some mania in 1938 the Nazis sold on Madison Square Garden my people's they sold out They sold out MSG. Yo, how many shows do they do? I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing you could say what you want about Hitler I'm not a fan, but my man sold tickets. Yeah, the Nazi party was deep. He was selling out theaters In Germany, you know, so Yeah, it's like Jeff Dunham Jeff Dunham and Hitler the same fucking dude

Starting point is 00:53:17 It's like John Wilkes Booth, dude. Yeah, he fucking that dude. Yo, he could act man He'd pack a theater. He packed the theater out man. He had lia bars, but you know what I mean? He killed he killed the old old ape. Yeah, I mean, I guess it is kind of freeing to realize like yeah I guess it was like yeah, we just have to try and make something else happen of our own Yeah, now dude what you did what I'm telling you man. It's the best is just like self-starting and then you cannot take it away And it's exactly what Joe Rogan I mean, I know Joe Rogan did a lot of the fear factor and all that other stuff But I mean the the things that people are hanging their hats on now is things they built not that somebody else built not that somebody else

Starting point is 00:53:50 Is in in control of yeah, like you got who care like well even if Louise let's talk about let's say Louis CK Right if he started a podcast tomorrow, it would be the top podcast Well, probably be a top podcast, but it's like he would monetize it instantly and still be able to make you can't tell him He can't do a podcast right you could tell me can't be on FX anymore You could tell him, you know what I mean? He's not doing these commercials theaters could close their doors But you can't the fucking people. Yeah, if he speaks to the people man It's like nah, you can people decide absolutely and they could be like hey listen if you like us Louis Louis CK podcast It's a dollar a month

Starting point is 00:54:21 Trust me There's thousands hundreds of thousands of people that would do that just to hear it just yeah just because they're fans of it if his work I'm not advocating for him I'm just using him as an example where it's like if really in 2019 like you can't be stopped You know if you put your mind and your will to it and you want to say this is what I want to do Then you got to just go do it because there's no excuses anymore Yeah, that's what Donna Rollins said and we're just talking about that's with Kevin alien The other day, but yeah, that's what Donna Rollins said. He said for black people

Starting point is 00:54:51 White people for anybody, you know, there's just there's no excuses, you know Yeah, he said that he felt like once Barack Obama was president that like you can't be a black person anymore and say like Oh, I don't have this opportunity or right. I still think there should be more opportunities for Latinos though in America Yeah, like how do you don't have it a Latino on? Yeah, the fucking Los Angeles? I know well, you know what? 99% of your offense is of your audience of your fans are Latino. I know well I want to see fucking Hector out there. They're shooting a nine-pointer. Yeah, you know fucking dickies dog Yeah, you know converse. Yeah, fuck it only gets to shoot nine pointers with cigarettes in his ears

Starting point is 00:55:31 Yeah, but that should be beautiful. I mean Latinos. I mean, they're gonna be the majority I believe they're gonna be the the majority for the population in our country. It's very soon I think in the next few years. So yeah, they certainly need to be more represented. Yeah, but I think you know Everybody's like, oh, you got to have this person. You got to have that person. It's like, well, you got to break down society It's like let's talk numbers here majority of our society is this race or that majority of our society is you know This sexual orientation and this religion. So it's like when you talk about television specifically, that's what it's geared towards It's like, yes, you know, you have to have everybody represented But you understand there's different percentages of people. I think here's the thing here's how I feel

Starting point is 00:56:10 Everybody everybody you need to you need to treat every single person fairly and with respect anybody that comes into my life I treat them fairly with respect. I don't care what your orientation is race, religion, whatever But when when we go along with this narrative, we're all created equal. It's not true. It's not it's just not a true thing It's something that is being pushed. That's a fucking lie that I think it's unfortunate for like my daughter I'm gonna be honest with her be like listen. We're not equal. Okay, there's not there's there's it doesn't mean You know, you treat anyone any differently than anybody else you love and respect everyone Yeah, and you'd be friends with everyone But to think that you have the same opportunities as other it's it's it's it's a lie and I don't America

Starting point is 00:56:49 It's a lie. I don't want them bro Like when I look at like, you know, like you don't really want it like in the end like it's like You know like in the past year I've had opportunity to be like, you know to kind of just be in a different space You know like even a year and a half ago. It's like, yeah, it's definitely different like going and having people come out to the show But it's like I wouldn't have changed You know, I don't think I really would have changed anything the more I think about it's like the best Like that chip on your shoulder was really was the most enjoyable part of my life. Absolutely I mean, I don't know the you know, the joys of having a child or having that sort of thing. Yeah, but like just having a

Starting point is 00:57:22 having a Like Joe Rogan's was talking about they had Universal income and where everybody would get a flat amount and so that their basic needs were met So then after that if everybody's basic needs were met then they could focus more on their well-being, you know Right and advancement and stuff like that. You pull that up a universal basic income. That's that's a dope thing to think about Right, but what is this from you saying? He he did this. No, it's just been something that's just been kind of discussed I mean, I don't know if there'd be a way to really fund it So what like a socialist kind of it's kind of a socialist idea, but then I was thinking about it more

Starting point is 00:57:57 I was thinking about it last night. I was like, but would Where would people there would be as much incentive, you know, like you don't have a comeback story then you don't have Rudy Routiger Yeah, you know, no, listen, man. I think like America the reason why America everybody wants to come here And it's still the number one country in the world is because it's capitalist. It's a capitalist society So it's like yeah, you have to be you have to be Unbelievably good in this country to get ahead and there's positives in that I think but you know the catch 22 is with capitalist society comes Greed, I mean like lawyer. Yeah, you know doctors in England don't need boats You know what I mean like a like a national health care setting like a doctor still a great job

Starting point is 00:58:35 But they're making $150,000 a year doctors here are multi multi-millionaire So that's gonna change a person and that's gonna the evil parts of a person's brain are gonna it's it the ego You're leaving the ego unchecked. So it's inevitable But I think it's hard to say well Let's take that away because that's what makes America America's right You can make it here you can make it anywhere And the only way the only way that that's saying remains true is by having capitalism be the thing that's you know Governing us and I think greed is gonna become I just have this thing that greed this thought that greed is gonna become

Starting point is 00:59:09 Like the bad thing right, right? Yeah, cuz it is so like at a certain point. It's just dirty You know a certain point. It's like what are you doing like when you raise kids that have no Idea that have never waited a table or never been a buddy bus boy or never had an experience of like You know being absurd, you know like yeah having to do anything for themselves. It's just I Don't know you don't get the most out of life that way either like Dude the best parts of my life where they've really been the shittiest court dude every time I think about comedy You know when I'm thinking when I'm like reminiscing about shit It's always those first two three years when you're like really grinding out doing open mics meeting people seeing everything for the first time

Starting point is 00:59:48 I fantasize and romanticize that part of my career because I'm like oh shit like it was a bond there now It's like sometimes, you know, you're in a city alone You're on state you doing shit alone like you know, you see your friends popping off, but it's from afar It's like back in the day. It's like hey if if somebody just got passed at a comedy club They would throw a celebration. Yeah, it's it's you know But I think what happened what's good about my daughter's things have flipped now in the sense that my daughter's number one My career is number two. I still give my whole I give a lot of energy to my career And I want you know, I'm out here right now to do things for my career

Starting point is 01:00:20 So I you know there the only times I step away from my daughter is if it's worth it either financially If it's gonna push the ball ahead in my career because that enhances her life but I'm not you know some some of my Peers I'll notice like to have children, you know, they're like, oh man, I got to go on the month I got to go on the road for a month. It's just a job. It's like no, it's not you fucking idiot You don't have to do that. You're doing that because you know you you're putting your career first and what happened was when I put my career second number one My career is better than it's it's ever been and it's going up

Starting point is 01:00:52 Is everything's going up so I didn't lose any steam because I still do my work, you know I still I still work at it, but it kind of made me realize like yeah The ugly parts of our career like you know the the like the loneliness of it or like, you know the greed or like Do I really need to go after everyone on social media? Do I need to post this thing just to have a chance to go viral right? How much of myself do I want to sell right? Do I want to go out in the middle of the street and pull my dick out so it could go viral? Do I want to do that right and when I put my career second?

Starting point is 01:01:21 It was the answer was no because the truth is yeah, I want to sell out I don't need to sell out arenas, but I'd like to sell out theaters. Yeah, you know, I don't I don't I'm not gonna I'm not one of those guys like I'll do anything to make it. That's not true Yeah, I'll do anything. I'll do anything to make that I see some times like Yeah, I don't know. I'll worry that I'm just not gonna that I'm gonna run out of good ideas if I don't be a good person That's like my thing. Well, I think it's caught. I think yeah Well, that's just positive and I believe a lot in energy now You know, I ever since I ever since I have my kid like love the energy like love is an energy and it's and it's and it's real

Starting point is 01:01:51 Yeah palpable and I feel it with my daughter like mail us some dude. We need some out here I'm gonna get I'll get whatever trouble. Let's see that remote dick. We're missing some. No, I do not Today's episode is brought to you by Robin Hood Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks ETFs options and cryptos all Commission free while other brokerages charge up to ten dollars for every trade Robin Hood doesn't charge any commission fees so you can trade stocks and keep all of your profits Plus there is no account minimum deposit needed to get started so you can start investing at any level The simple intuitive design of Robin Hood makes investing easy for newcomers and experts alike

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Starting point is 01:03:22 Sign up at weekend dot Robin Hood dot com I want some fucking home fries talking about breakfast potatoes. What are we talking about today? What's in the news today, Nick? Let's see. This happened a little while ago, but it's kind of relates to this this podcast our man Chris Hansen and actually more news as we record this just broke. He's being evicted from his apartment. Wow Yeah, what was he doing cash in blank checks? Yeah, he got in trouble. He he bought some merch from a vendor Okay, old him $13,000 tried to write out two checks to him to pay him back kept begging for more time those checks bounce So the guy called the cops and there's his mugshot and now it's a crime if one of your checks bounces

Starting point is 01:04:09 Like if I wrote a check that bounce, that's a crime. Yeah, you should call your daughter school right now Yeah, because I've had a couple of those puppies bounce It'll always bounce. I remember they would come back in SF insufficient funds Yeah, and I'll say this man. I put Chris Hansen was on here on the show. Yeah, really and fucking dope and it was cool It was cool. Yeah, it was a great episode. It was a fun episode. It was interesting He seemed like a good dude, right warm dude He did seem like a warm dude. I mean he probably still is it this doesn't make him a bad dude No, this doesn't make him a bad dude. Yeah, but he a pattern of behavior a pattern of behavior and so he had a

Starting point is 01:04:46 You know, he had an experience at a hotel Oh, you know, we put him up for a night in a hotel and flew him out here, right? Right, so and that's the only guess that we've done it for right big Chris Hansen fan Of course I wanted him to you know, I just wanted to be able to sit down with them and chat and and I don't even think I did that Good of an interview, but I think that it was You know, I learned as we learn as we go and but then he like ran up Extra nights at like extra stuff at the hotel like and tried to keep it on to our tab

Starting point is 01:05:15 Even though it was all like what like dinners and drinks and shit like that We agreed only one night. He tried to do three say didn't have his credit card when he left the when he left the hotel Yeah, he would huge room service bills So this isn't shocking to you is what you guys are saying because it was shocking to me But I thought it was a misunderstanding when it happened at the hotel, but then you see this and it pattern Yeah, he's like a anti-hero. He's like catching predators, but he's a klepto behind the scenes Yeah, this feels like it's got gambling written all over it spa, you know, yeah, I do spa treatments I don't know if it's a gambling

Starting point is 01:05:49 I think no in the sense that you get guys who are compulsive gamblers and gamble their their funds away do kind of do shit like this It's always I need more time. I need more time You want as soon as you said that he said I need more time that's gambling that feels like he's a gambler Oh, cuz it's time because if I get this next bet that feels like he's that's what it feels like, but I could be wrong Well, yeah, well the thing makes me think it just kind of I Don't know the first thing I thought was man, I wouldn't do this to somebody I wouldn't you know have an extra $1,500 with the hotel bill. You know money man. Yeah, right for a couple nights at a hotel Yeah, and um and not

Starting point is 01:06:24 And try to be and you know like and he never pays you guys back No, we got no we got literally The according to the girl that helps us, you know arrange some of this She said like that he was walking out of the hotel and she was on the phone with the guy with the front desk and the lady was literally saying Mr. Hanson, Mr. Hanson To have him put down his card his card. So he had to yeah, yeah, I had to so Wow, but I don't and the crazy thing is that he didn't seem like if I to try to call him or try to reach him like he wouldn't have You know kind of tried to answer like he wouldn't have answered the phone

Starting point is 01:07:02 He seemed like he would have answered the phone. He would have communicated Yeah, but so yeah, just kind of hurt my feelings a little because it was like oh, I wouldn't do that to somebody, you know So you had a bit of a sour taste in your mouth for Hanson after that experience before this shit happened. Yes, interesting That's very little bit and he even text me today. I didn't text him back, but The shit when he on yeah, you don't text people back you make people feel bad man I to text out to you when we can't wait to see you play boy I'm in LA miss you love you and you just wrote back. I'll be at the studio in 15 minutes. Yeah, you know what I mean I was running late for and but that was that was I'm gonna text him three days ago. Yeah

Starting point is 01:07:35 Really really yeah, dude enough of attraction between us. I don't want you getting any wrong But the thing was it was like What but why would you it must be some sort of a it felt like an addiction that he calls because yeah compulsion That's compulsion. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, that's what I think could be. Yeah. What is he like is it to span? Like I wonder what that is, you know to the need to live at a certain yeah, cuz we put him up You know, I think it was a four seasons somewhere nice. Yeah, so it was yeah, the mid it's probably an adrenaline rush I bet you it's connected to adrenaline man. Yeah, we're living a That's the thing. It's scary about popularity and about your ego. It warps you man

Starting point is 01:08:18 It's it's almost like people who get extremely famous it because like that's a mental health issue Yeah, like being a big celebrity is a mental health issue that people like it's almost like Quarterbacks, you know, gotta take that those tests, you know, NFL, you know NBA rookie camps They have to go mandatory two-week training Mandatory about how their life's gonna change that should be with celebrities. You become an A-lister. Yeah Deadline says you're an A-lister a variety whatever you got to take a fucking course fucking you gotta take a course, bro The wonder lick the wonder lick. Sorry. Yeah, I was about to say the wanderlust cuz I'm a fucking dumb piece of shit No, you're an okay guy. I appreciate it, brother. Well, let me watch this thing. I look thinner. What do you think?

Starting point is 01:08:59 Oh, I still look fat. Well, the jacket definitely looks like Something that a trans worker wears. Yeah, or somebody that were operates transit, you know trial trial Okay, yeah, there's like a transgender jacket. Oh, no, it's definitely like a sexy bus driver. Fuck. Yeah Do something that a bus driver got your wife or or husband. That's yeah by rate. It's by, you know, yeah 100% yeah. Yeah, man. I fucking it's fake leather, too. Yeah, you got that rare body time. I got it I'm built like a kind of stoke wagon. Yeah, bro. Yeah, I got I got that rare. I'm a letdown for women, man Are you yeah, cuz when I take my shirt off, it's a mess But you go to the gym all the time I do but I just you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:09:34 I just got flubber so there's nothing I could do, you know I told you I told you the guy told me I'd leading man face best friend body Really some casting director said you got leading man face best friend body. That's fucked up thing to say But it was hilarious. Yeah, I tweeted it, you know, yeah, you got those blue eyes. Oh, dude You don't you look like a handsome guy who kind of got uh, yeah, like when he like some elevator doors kind of smashed Yeah, yeah, yeah, the blue eyes the blue as we're get out of jail free car Yeah Well, I think women feel like I can protect them because I'm a bigger dude and whenever but I feel like you know

Starting point is 01:10:07 I noticed like the pattern it's like the first month women are really into me And then it slowly starts to be like oh this guy wasn't what I thought he was. Oh, wow You know so but it's all good. Do you really notice that pattern? I noticed that pattern like girls are usually in they're really in the first few weeks and then they're really out You know after that like cuz it you know, you know, bite in my nails eat my boogers You know like a doing shit like you know like you know being too open with them like hey I slept in the bed with my mom till I was 15, you know Be having anxiety being scared of the dark not being able to fix shit

Starting point is 01:10:38 You know having one titty like way bigger than the other, you know shit like that, you know, yeah Farthing, you know, like that's the real me, you know, I'll bite my toenails. Yeah, don't be don't be the real you dude for other Yeah, you know say the real you for you. Yeah. Yeah, I think but it's so true We were all ourselves like you know if people really knew about all yeah I try to share as much as I can before you know, sometimes it's like but if people really knew like You know some of our behaviors. I think now that's an interesting thing. I think it's okay if people know your fears Yeah, because that's something that can really relate to right, but some behaviors. Yeah make people really sketchy Yeah, man, like, you know that and like I met a girl one time. Sorry to interrupt you, but she it

Starting point is 01:11:21 I don't want to forget this and I will forget She had you know, and we dated for a while and she would wear the same panties, right? Mm-hmm, and sometimes she would wear them backwards and one time they had like a little kind of duty kind of touch interesting front Does she have fumes? I don't know what that is, but you know, like, you know, did that did the badge smell? Oh, I don't know. I don't remember that's a big thing if a girl's fumes or not. Oh, I don't know. Yeah She this girl just had switched her underwear around, you know, but that but that may give off some fumes. Yeah When I see them switch, yeah, I'm out You were just out immediately. Yeah

Starting point is 01:11:58 Fucked up, dude. First of all, that is straight up how they make pink eye. Okay, that is where it's made pink eye The other day was fucking wild. I had a big guy stye my eye. Yeah, it was from farting on my phone. Oh Shit was wet, right? Yo, my fans call me Chrissy Wellfarts. Do they really cuz my shit sound like they're in a well underwater ass crack Yeah, I got a deep deep deep asshole, man. That's what it is. Yeah, you know, I had to get a colonoscopy Oh, wow. Yeah, the doctor because he was telling him like I played some audio on my farts And I sent him pick some pictures on my shits in the office and he was like we need to take a look And when they went in there, he said I was a look. He said I was all good

Starting point is 01:12:38 Jerry Nasser was it that? Larry Nasser Larry Nass he said we got to take he said we got to take a look and then he told me he said everything's fine But he said, you know in clinical terms that I have a very deep deep rectum. Oh, wow So he said that's what's causing the sounds of the farts. It's pretty cool rectum damn near killed him That's Chris Barley. Um, did he say that line rectum didn't ever killed him sounds familiar Um, Nick's sister does uh, colonoscopies. Oh, she's a GI doctor. Uh, no, she's she's not got Just running freelance, bro. Oh, wow Not colonoscopies, uh, colonics. Oh, colonics. Yeah, it cleans your whole shit out. You can pretty much just come off the street

Starting point is 01:13:11 Yeah, yeah, I mean basically the van will pull up. You know, you ever done one of those you ever got your shit cleaned out like that No, dude, I'll let god do what he needs to do inside of my body. Yeah. I'm saying respect. Well, I'm living biblical Living I'm living bit. What a piece of shit. Um, did we have some questions that came in for chris nick When it was the last time you cried Like sobbing like really cried First of all, that guy looks like a sexy member of isis Doesn't he just like a handsome terrorist? Can we pull him out? Looks like a handsome terrorist that fucking guy god In cry. Yeah. Yeah, just a fucking hot just modeled for a jihad

Starting point is 01:13:49 Yeah, like a terrorist wanted to like take you on like a weekend adventure. Yeah, he would be the host He'd be the host. Yeah. Um, the last time I cried um, the last time I cried was actually about, um five four days ago, um, I cried, uh, because I was I was I was uh Uh, talking to uh, my kid's mom about uh, about my daughter And just so we were just having a conversation and I was just telling her like I was just thank I just got emotional I was just thanking her

Starting point is 01:14:20 For giving me delilah. Oh, wow. And then I just started to get like real I just started to cry and she was like, you know, she kicked me out But it's what it is. You know, we're not together anymore. It's powerful. Yeah, but I started to cry Wow Well, you guys have another kid you think you in her if I'm good It's just how wild I am and just how but how I feel if I'm gonna have another child I'd prefer it to be with her. I don't want my daughter to have different moms You know, I want my daughter sibling to have a different mom. Yeah, so it's like I'd rather if I'm gonna even though

Starting point is 01:14:45 Even though we're not together, you know, she's she's not interested in that She just wanted more kids, but I but I if I was gonna have another kid I'd prefer it to be with her like let's do it this way even if we're not together And I'm not saying we're getting back together. It's like this, you know, I mean, no, that's not interesting She's not interested in it. What's so huge because it's like, you know, and that's a sweet. It's a sweet thing Me I can imagine that, you know, like just um, you know feeling like wow, I have this gift and even though It's my daughter like I wouldn't have it even with this person that I may not even always get along with perfectly Yeah, but I wouldn't have it. I would not have it and she harbored her life and she's like the mom is the most important

Starting point is 01:15:17 So sometimes you just got to be thankful even though like we go through our own bullshit romantically or we did Yeah, I She just needs to be thanked. Yeah, you know for because the Delilah changed my whole life Yeah, my dad used to say what would he say to us? He would say oh, um, you got to always love your mother That's what he said. Yeah, I always love your mother because Yeah, I think no matter sometimes even what our moms do to us or they don't do it to us or provider, don't they The simple fact that they went through all that is pretty Yeah, pretty severe pretty severe because a woman even like, you know, women, you know, they get a little bit

Starting point is 01:15:50 They they really a lot of their aging happens when they have a child Sure. Yeah, the child takes and that's why it's like children are burglars bro burglars And that's why like, you know, that's why I say love is is powerful And I think can be measured because it's like the kid The you know what it does to a woman's body and how much it changes their life The only way that you don't remove it from your life because you could all you could do is not feed it or smother it It's gone. Yeah, but the only reason like, you know, like a bug, you know, you have no attention You just fuck it but a bug's a living thing like a child's a living thing

Starting point is 01:16:19 But it's like the chut there's like love love is the energy that keeps that keeps keeps it together And keeps keeps your child alive in the beginning, you know, of course It's nurturing and food and all that but it's really love if you don't have love If you didn't love it, you'll just walk away from it and the child can do nothing So it's all love and that probably happens sometimes too. Oh, absolutely hear about all the time people leaving their babies out On doorsteps out in the cold, whatever they do. Yeah, you know, dunk and donuts dunk and donuts. Yeah Dunk and fucking donuts, but I like that. I'm wondering if that, you know, I thought about this a couple years ago If they would have an app that would

Starting point is 01:16:54 Um You could find someone you wanted to start a family with and it was just on that like, you know I want to meet somebody to have a kid Not about the love it's not really about our connection Yeah, but to see like, you know, how do we live it close enough? How would we, you know, would this person be a loving enough person to have a child with it? It just seems like a safer place. Yeah, I mean, I guess in some ways, you know I mean, you're not sharing it with the person but like you donate

Starting point is 01:17:19 I've donated my sperm and I was chosen out. I don't I don't want to be notified but like somebody's You know, they serious bro. Yeah, and the doctors you're doing bro. They the doctors told me in there They said look, they said, you know, you because I got a doctorate degree They're like, you got a doctorate degree there like so your your sperm will be Women are going to take the sperm because the level of education see if children out there probably probably but I told them like I don't want to be notified I just want to give that glue out No, but but my point is is like what you just said, it's like when you donate your sperm like women are out there

Starting point is 01:17:51 They're like, you know, maybe they're a lesbian couple or maybe they just don't want a man in their life But they want to procreate so that's kind of what they do But they they she looked at my profile if someone did pick their picture too. They have everything What kind of headshot did you give them? Um, was it high school or what was it? No, I took a picture in the office Dude, I would only donate a little bit of sperm to him. How much did you give him? I gave him one load, man I gave him one fucking load. Yeah, I shot it out. What a cheap date dude. How much do they give you point? Um, what'd I get maybe 125 150

Starting point is 01:18:22 Cash money play cash money cuz Bro, what a whore cuz I I went out to Applebee's in Times Square Did you really? Yo Applebee's in Times Square. They jacked the fucking price up. It's bullshit If you're ever in New York City, do not go to Applebee's in Times Square something that costs $30 for a whole meal in the outer barrels will cost $30 a burger in Applebee's in Times Square They really there's a really piece of shit moved that they do as a corporation. I could see that. Yeah, I'm not, you know I'm gonna go there this year. I think to New York

Starting point is 01:18:53 Would you do carolines if you could do like some good shows there or would you do? Um Gotham. Yeah, I'll know like a theater. Oh like me personally. Yeah. Well, I headline usually I do Gotham I've been headlining Gotham. Yeah, I've been to Gotham before but if I could if I could sell enough tickets I would do a theater. Yeah, for sure. I do a theater. Yeah, what's carolines like compared room wise to Gotham I believe carolines maybe could seat a few more people I believe and but but but audience wise like you can have a Times Square audience So you have a lot of people there who know you but also a lot of people who are just tourist tourists coming in Where Gotham comedy club is located on 23rd Street and 7th. That's a part of Manhattan. That's not really touristy, right?

Starting point is 01:19:29 It's people that live there. Oh, I mean you can have the neighborhood come out. So it's up to you what you want now What about this though? Do you? Is carolines a how do you like performing on which stage is better? I haven't been on caroline personally I like them both but personally I feel comfortable at Gotham just because I've In the lat let you know the last couple years I've been performing there a lot more than carolines But I don't think you can go wrong either way carolines is awesome too. I mean it's carolines They're both iconic new york clubs and the only places you can go to headline in new york

Starting point is 01:19:58 Yeah, I've never been to carolines. That's why you've never even been inside it a different experience. I mean it's dope It's like right in Times Square. It's fucking huge Is it you know you go down these stairs and whole shit opens up and the it's mafia ran So it's kind of old school. Is it pretty wide like Gotham or is it deep or is it what's it like? It's deeper than Gotham for sure deeper than Gotham. Gotham is wide carolines is deep. Okay. Yeah, just thinking about that. Yeah Well, look, I hate to interrupt chris Shamelessly plugging his podcast a million times But I have to let you know that this past weekend has brought you by skill share

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Starting point is 01:21:38 Slash Theo Vaughn again go to skillshare.com slash th e o v o n to start your two months now That's skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn Onward and now back to myself and mr. Chris Yeah, I don't I don't know about that chris hands thing. I don't know if I should maybe I should I don't know if I should I don't I don't need to reach out to him and you think I don't text you what he texted you He just texted I don't think I don't think it's it's not on you anymore, man. You know, I mean, when did he text you? He's probably asking for money months ago. He was asking for loop for a month ago. No, that would have been great though if he was

Starting point is 01:22:20 Um, as long as as long as your check cleared from him We had a question he was he was gonna push the show and stuff like that. He didn't technically like this week Oh, I thought you said did he ever push the show out? Did he do it? No, he didn't oh, yeah Uh, we had a question that came in the last hour for chris. So I haven't even heard it Okay, let's fire that one Hey, theo. Hey chris. This is Landon from Kansas City, Missouri and uh, I was calling in about a question for chris, but uh First I just wanted to start by saying

Starting point is 01:22:48 That I've seen theo on your little show there chris and you making fun of the rat king's hair You better leave it alone. You better leave him alone. All right Okay, I just want to say that you look dutch and you look like an aerodynamic dutch person at that. You sure do All right, you have four noses, but uh on another note I just wanted to know how old were you when you got into comedy and uh, what what attracted you to comedy. Thank you First of all that kid. That's one of your fans is a fucking menace. Yeah, that needs to be on a leash right there What do you mean? It's probably your son, dude

Starting point is 01:23:21 You've been fucking spraying out everybody somebody needs to fucking start pumping riddling through that dudes air conditioner events That kid needs to calm the fuck down. It looks just like him. Oh that kid. Look at his nose, man He's got he's got lumped the fuck up bro. It's what happens when you're you know, we don't know who your dad is Do you get beat you up a lot? I like this kid though. Um, he's a good kid I like this. This is my kind of kid. Um I started comedy when I was uh 25 years old is the age I started and then um, I was still doing physical therapy I'm sorry 24. I was still doing physical therapy Uh until I was about 28 and then I started doing professionally since 28 28 years old. Yeah, um

Starting point is 01:24:01 I was trying to think of what else I was gonna talk to you about 30. I'm 38. Yeah, I'm 34 We run the same age, bro. Yeah Do you ever think about leaning into the doctorate thing and being like a some type of funny? Like a dr. Drew type cat or like a dr. Oz like I feel like you got more qualifications than that guy Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, oh, yeah, I could see you having some hilarious This physical therapy videos online. Yeah Hilarious. I should actually do yeah for my career. I should do that. Fuck shit for real. That's that. Oh, that's my next show That's my next idea. That'd be fun. I'm on it. Yeah. Yeah, you're a producer. Yeah done getting straightened straightened straightened out

Starting point is 01:24:35 Yeah, fuck. Yeah Yeah, I you know what? I'm just starting looking for kids that look like you and fucking Where do they mail the sperm to what give me a little more on the sperm before you go off on this guy's question I'm not even any good. You know, I just whatever, you know, I spluged into the tube And what is it like in there? They got a tube. Do you got different tubes? You have two options, man You could either get your prostate pushed on like a nurse will come in and profess you do it and you just spludge it out It's just like you're lying. I swear to god Like it it's like a technique that these these nurses are just good at

Starting point is 01:25:04 Just get the spludge out if you don't want to masturbate Bro, if I've ever heard a dude somebody pushing and what you gotta ask a button in your ass Yeah, oh, and then the other one is they got um you go into this room and they got um they got a Like nudie mags and all that and then they give you the wi-fi and my place had the wi-fi and you could uh, you know Jerk off on your phone. Yeah. Yeah, no problem. Fuck. How the hell is it like a house or is it a doctor? It was a doctor's office. So it was like just like, you know, You know secure coming in a place like that. I would come at somebody's house if it were like a deep, you know

Starting point is 01:25:34 Like, yeah, if you have your own room or something. I'm not gonna just you know, doctors And what you just let them walk out of the room. Yeah, I just can't like it's if you peed in a cup, man I just came with my glue. Yeah, yeah, that's so bizarre. That doesn't that feel crazy. It felt wild Well, the reason why it all started is because When I got uh, my kid's mom got pregnant, you know, she had taken like a plan b after it And I'd gotten another girl pregnant like four years before that so it was like this and she was on birth control So it was like some weird shit and the doctor the ob gyn Was like, you know, you should get your sperm checked like that that's that's abnormal

Starting point is 01:26:07 So I went got my sperm checked and I donated it and so they had it and then when I donated it They called me into the office like three days later and then we say good bad. They had a good batch Well, they said to me like there was three doctors that came in and they said listen They opened up. They said, where were you born and I said queen st. John's hospital, queen's new york They said, are you sure I said 100% and they're like, well like you verify it Can you verify it with your mom more dad and I said, yeah, and I thought you was somebody else Well, I called my mom and I was like, where was I born and she said st. John's hospital queen's new york And I said, are you sure you're not lying to me? Like I wasn't adopted. She's like, no, you want I swear to god

Starting point is 01:26:39 You weren't adopted So I said, what's going on? I started to get nervous and he said well I have three times the amount of sperm in every load. I mean, he was you know, he was I forgot what technical term What a creep. Who is the guy? No, he's say his name. He's a tie. He was a tie. It was a Chris Hanson Yeah And so so so he told me I have three times the amount of sperm. He said so he asked me if I was born in How do they notice by how much it weighs like in they just well the microscope But they add they said the only time they've ever seen that

Starting point is 01:27:07 Like abnormality and mutation of the sperm is as a child who's been born near a nuclear reactor No, they thought maybe I was born in russia near shinobal and then they thought that maybe had a tumor on something But what they found out was is that I have an overactive cowpers gland It's called cowper's gun. It's like what makes your sperm And so my my thing is is I make a lot of sperm you got that hot cow. So I got that hot cowper So I can get a girl pregnant the doctor explained to me They said you're the guy if a girl's looking to conceive a child She wants a guy like you but if you're looking to have like just one night stands and have sex all night

Starting point is 01:27:37 You're not the guy because when I shoot it out It takes a long time for my cowper's gland to refuel the my jizz and as I've got so fielder Exactly and as I've got definitely it's it's a little bit. It's a little slow. Yeah So as I've gotten older it's been taken it takes longer and longer So after I bust a nut no matter what it takes a few days for me to get an erection again So but if I want to have children I can get girls pregnant instantly, you know, it's going to happen Because it's so a very high chance. So you're kind of yeah, you should do tour indie or something Yeah, like you can freaking definitely start banging out right or just I mean for a hundred

Starting point is 01:28:13 You might as well go door to door and at least know what's going on and get some of the joy out of it Yeah, instead of throwing a whole batch just something for a hundred and twenty five dollars I just can't believe you don't think and it got taxed. Yeah, and it got taxed Yeah Like in new york, that's like dude you're looking at 35 you're gonna 90 bucks. Yeah, bro. I didn't get shit And these are drive over there. Uh No, I took the train. Yeah Yeah

Starting point is 01:28:41 What was this all Swiss who the fuck takes a train to fucking jerk off for 90 bucks? Yo, man louis ck He does it on the train Yeah, what if what if his clothes are louis ck's clothes are when he does another special. Yeah He's just like hey, I uh, just want to let everybody know in here that i'm about to jerk off Right and you can stay if you want right? Yeah, and then the lights just go off and he's just on the stage love it I would love it man. That'd be dope that'd be tackling the shit head on and it's called you can stay if you want You can say if you want that's what the special is called. Yeah, would you watch it? I would 100 watch it Would you watch it? I like louis ck's comedy. Yeah, dude. He's one of the greatest of all time

Starting point is 01:29:22 Would you watch it in a uh one of those interactive theaters like 4d 100% with those oculus virtual reality And just get fucking splooged on 100% No, that's not part of it. Oh my bad. It's just you would like be able to hear it better. You might fall man. I'm hungry Yo, i'm looking at nibble on some shit. I'm hungry too. Have you eaten? No, are you gonna go straight to the airport? Yeah, I don't fucking go. All right, so I would have I would have left that You see that card right there dill shrubber you weren't there that day when I ran into Daryl high on cocaine Were you no but he was coked out of his fucking mind. Oh, you were coked out of your mind. Yeah. Yeah, I saw the pictures of it Um, yeah, let's talk about opi real quick. Yeah, let's do it

Starting point is 01:29:56 Um, when was the last time that you went because the show I was out of town and then the show to shut down The last time I went on opium serious was one of the last time one of his last episodes Really the last yeah, because we're pretty cool. But I've done his podcast. He has a podcast now. I do. I like opi I'm grateful. He's giving me great opportunities. I mean, he's just had a you know He had a kind of assorted ending over there. Yeah, it was yeah, it was kind of abrupt and whack But I still do jim and sam too. It's all love over there. It's like for the most part You know, they may have their issues but for the comedians like they've kept us out of it and like we can We're free to roam on both dude shows. Yeah, so it's pretty pretty awesome. You know what that is pretty cool. Actually, uh

Starting point is 01:30:31 That both yeah, like yeah, like jim and opi seem to like not get along But that yeah, they never seemed like oh you were on that guy's thing. No, they don't feel that way No, they ain't petty. They're not petty at least not for me. You know, so it's dope. That's same, man Um, do you miss the show? I do I do because I feel like you know, it was fun We were going there in the mornings or afternoons, you know, the vibe was dope You know, like we go on youtube fuck around meet all kinds of people and now it's like, you know It's a little different in new york. Like, you know, it's like you guys feel like you have like this You know your podcasting networks and you're you know, fighter in the kid is right across

Starting point is 01:31:07 Oh, it's not like then york like people are doing podcasts in their in their apartment or in a studio where it's just them They're sharing office space. So it's like serious xm was dope and opi show was dope because like you would be In there doing somebody else's show and then walk past open. He'd call you in. It was like this open door policy Yeah, that's kind of gone now. So oh, I felt like it arrived man when I got on that show it was um Yeah, it was so nice to be able to just go in there and it was Yeah, and that's how I met you. Yeah, that's how mark norman and I even became buddies Even though we grew up in the you know in the same area. There was so many people I met in there

Starting point is 01:31:39 I got to talk to danie mcbride in there. Kelly. We were on the phone. I was with you. Yeah Have you ever met him? I met him one time after that. It was dope. Uh, it was really quick I just got a picture with him in montreal last year. Oh, shit. I was excited. I wonder if he remembers that phone call Probably not that was probably the 10th phone call. He did that and I said something stupid, too Like I was like in the picture. He's like, yeah, oh, dude And I kind of like didn't know what to say right before and I was like, oh, I think I'm gonna say this And then he's like, how's the day everything going good for you? You know, we're just taking a picture just saying like small talk And I was like, yeah, man. A lot of ladies up here, you know, good thing. I brought my dick

Starting point is 01:32:13 And he didn't say anything. Yeah But we're saying they're smiling right after I said that and it was so uncomfortable I felt horrible and right when I didn't get any reaction. I was like, I'm never gonna be in a movie with him I'm never gonna see him. I'm never gonna get to donate sperm in his area In his area. Dude, the other day I was at I was doing Doug loves movies at um, oh, yeah And it was so fun. Doug's a fucking man and I was doing a ucb Franklin Which is like, you know, they're great fans over there But it's like, you know, they're real pc and I just forgot because new york you just say shit

Starting point is 01:32:43 It's not as pc as it is out here. Yeah about there there I was like telling some story About how like I was out of play once and like my boys were like, look at this girl's ass and like I like in new york It's like it gets a laugh. But there they're like, oh No, like it got real uncomfortable and I started bombing, you know, because like I was just it was like just objectifying women And you know, new york people even women were like just laugh But out there they were like you fucking pig piece of shit like you're the problem Yeah, I was like, oh boy

Starting point is 01:33:09 But it's crazy because as you drive over to the part of town all the billboards are objectifying women, of course instagram It's all bullshit. That's the thing the theme nobody cares. It's all bullshit It's like as soon if you're a person that you're like spilling your agenda to me I stay away from you because I'm like you're hiding shit. You're just hiding shit Well, I just hope to be able to just be in a good place in this. I just want to learn as I go, you know, and I just I mean, I get stressed out. That's one thing. It's different recently. It's just been more stressed. You stressed it Why bro? It's just a lot going on, you know, it's stressful. You know, and I've never had anybody where I worked together You know nick and I worked, you know, so nick's in here

Starting point is 01:33:42 So like sometimes I don't communicate well with him and then it's like, you know, I'm stressed and then it's like Yeah, but you know what me the only person I talked to every next like pretty much my girlfriend almost Yeah, but you do. I mean you're making money now. You're doing like real shit. You're doing what you want. You can do whatever you want now Yeah, you know, so I don't know. So I don't know what it is sometimes. It's like, well, what's making me well Just think about just just just just, you know, ask 10 years ago Theo if he would be stressed If you told Theo of 10 years ago, you're gonna have all this I think he would be like, oh my god, I'd be over the moon if you told me I could have that I have no problems Well, now you're here. Yeah, so now you're just creating problems. You don't have any problems. Yeah, you've you've made it in many ways

Starting point is 01:34:17 Yeah, so you should just take comfort in that and just you know, because there's a lot of people that would do anything to have what you have So I think it's it's important for us to check ourselves Right every, you know, so often every two three months whatever you want to do calibrate it But you got to check yourself and be like, oh, how would the how would the older? How would that latest version of me feel about what this new version has they probably be happy about it? So let's take comfort in that. Yeah, it's new problems, but it's all good problems champagne problems. Motherfucker That's a good, uh, I don't know what dude. I want to fucking kiss you on the lips. You wearing underwear, huh? Yeah, I'm wearing me on these dude. They were one of our sponsors, but Tommy John deserted us Tommy John. No, that's the surgery

Starting point is 01:34:55 Bro, Tommy John right there. It's good. It's a good way to like think about like the past and think about now You know, I don't feel any different. I just feel like yeah, I just want to be funny, you know But you are though that I want to be calm. I want to be yeah Yeah, your fans my point is like you your fans are invested now your fans aren't going anywhere. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're not going anywhere. So they they fuck with you neither is me on these by the way We're still part of me on these fans. Oh really? Yeah, we got some coming up. Oh, yeah Oh, thank you. Me on these Can the same boy pair double XL? We might have oh double XL

Starting point is 01:35:28 I don't know about that dude. 38 ways. Yeah. Why so you can pull them down and just come into a cup somewhere for 90 bucks Yo, dude, you should do that at the meet-and-greet after your show. Just bust into a cup. Yo, that'll go viral I'm gonna start doing on my podcast just coming on the pod. Yeah Um, I haven't been on opi's new show. Have you been on it? Yes. Yeah, I've been on I'm doing it next week It's just a podcast, you know, one of the podcasts we did we just like walk around New York City So it's kind of dope but now he's got a studio. I think it's westwood one podcast studio So and it's doing well. I mean, you know, yeah, people love opi. Oh, he's all good, brother I mean, it's a kind of a bedroom apartment on the upper west side. I mean opi's doing. Oh, is that where you live?

Starting point is 01:36:01 Yeah, opi crushed it. Yeah. Newkid say what you want about opi. I mean, he fucking crushed it in this radio game. Yeah Millions of dollars. Yeah, I'm not saying anything about it. No, no, no, I'm saying, but you know how fans are, you know I mean, yeah, people get you know, get on everybody when it's like, hey, this dude fucking changed the radio for a little bit over here Yeah, you know, if there was no Howard Stern, you might have been all about opi Yeah, I was trying to think of some things that are really like positives for him. Um And I was thinking he met Carl, you know, Carl Ruiz. Yeah, and they love doing stuff together Absolutely. Now Carl's divorced and lives in the woods So it's like, yo, you see, you know what I mean? Sometimes your shit just spins out. Hey, bro

Starting point is 01:36:40 Yo, I love Carl, man. Oh Carl, dude. I do. At least he can cook. Yo, he just fucking he does cocaine off hot dogs And then he eats the hot dogs. Yo, he's fucking wild Oh, dude, yeah And he legit got divorced and lives in the cabin in the woods and he's like, I'm killing it and I believe him Oh, bro, he comes out with just sandals and socks on we used to do that shit, bro It's called a Somalian wild wildfire. Oh, yeah, you do cocaine off a hot dog and fucking eat it Yeah, dude Somalian wildfire. It's so hard to eat it after bro The last thing you want in your mouth after you've had some coke is a fucking hot dog

Starting point is 01:37:08 A fucking hot dog. Yeah, you know for some fellas. Anyway, yeah, I fucking deep thought that shit right now Well, I'm not gonna do that. Um, christus stefano. Uh, thanks for coming man. Thanks for having me, bro Yeah, this is cool. Yo, I got my special coming out size 38 ways comedy central What a great term. Yeah, brother rare size 38 ways, bro. Chrissy bitch hips I mean, you were built like a fucking Rubik's cube. I'm doing. I'm like a stepmom. I got a stepmom ass Do you wear mom jeans? I got that stepmother vibe. Yeah, you should wear an apron. I mean, you wear an apron when you cook Bro, most coats I wear they have to cover my ass. I'm always I'm rocking trench coats Usually 12 months out of the year because I gotta cover that butt up. Look at the wheel base on that fucking bad boy

Starting point is 01:37:48 Yo, and then check my podcast history hyenas history hyenas with you and yanna's poppas Yeah, and um, and your special is coming out on the 18th friday, january 18th. So uh, that's tomorrow. That's tomorrow, baby Oh, shit. When does this shit come out next week next week? This this actually is gonna come out february 7th We had a bunch in the can but we'll we'll put out on all your all social Yeah, put on social media and also, um, you know, that it came out already, but you can see I'll come to central.com now comedy central.com and the comedy central app It's streaming right now my special size 38 ways check out checking out. Yes. That's 30 ways. I'm excited to check it out, man

Starting point is 01:38:19 And thanks for coming dude. Thanks for having me poppy. Thanks for helping me think about stuff. Of course, brother. We're out here For me to set that parking brake and let myself on Oh

This Past Weekend - Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend #170

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