This Past Weekend - Christmas Spectacular with Will Sasso | This Past Weekend #158

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

Will Sasso joins This Past Weekend for our Christmas Spectacular. This episode brought to you by… Skillshare https://skillshare.com/theo 2 months of Skillshare for just $0.99 Hello Fresh https://hellofresh.com/theo60 $20 off your 1st 3 boxes Scentbird https://scentbird.com/weekend Grey Block Pizza 1811 Pico Blvd. Santa Monica, CA http://bit.ly/GreyBlock Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Gunt Squad Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Stein Adriana Hernandez Aidan Duffy Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Sideris Alexander Contreras Amanda Sherman Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Andy Mac Angelo Raygun Angie Angeles Anna Winther Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Beau Adams Yoga Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Ben Limes Benjamin Streit Big Easy Brian Martinez Brian Szilagyi Bryan Reinholdt Bubba Hodge cal ector California Outlaw Campbell Hile Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Casey Rudesill Cassandra Miller Chad Saltzman Charley Dunham Christian from Bakersfield christian prado Christopher Becking Christopher Stath Clint Lytle Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Cory Alvarez Dan Draper Dan Ray Dave Engelman David Christopher david r prins David Smith David Wyrick deadpieface Deanna Smith Dirty Steve Domonic DoMoreKid Donald blackwell Doug Chee Dwehji Majd Dylan Clune Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Fernando Takeshi Sato Gabriel Almeda Garrett Blankenship General Moose Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg H Gunt Squad Gary Haley Brown J Garcia J.T. Hosack Jacob Ortega Jacob Rice James banks James Bown James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Jason Haley Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy West Jerry Zhang Jesse Witham Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Desrosiers Joey Piemonte John Bowles John Kutch John Slade Johnathan Jensen Jon Ross Josh Cowger Justin L justin marcoux justin shuy Karen Sullivan Katy Doyle Kelly Elliott Ken Comstock Ken Melvin Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kevin Fleury Kevtron Kiera Parr Kigabo Kirk Cahill Kishalin kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Briesemeister Laura Williams Lauren Cribb Leighton Fields Linsey Logan Yakemchuk Lorell “Loretta” Ray Luke Danton Mark Glassy Matt Eckenrode Matt Holland Matt Kaman Matt Leftwich Matthew Azzam Matthew Price Matthew Sizemore Matthew Snow Max Bowden MEDICATED VETERAN Megan Andersen-Hall Megan Daily megan Wrynn Meghan LaCasse Michael E. Ganzermiller Michael polcaro Michael Senkpiel Micky Maddux Mike montague Mike Poe Mike Sarno Mike Vo Mitchell Watson Mona McCune Ned Arick Nick Butcher Niko Ferrandino Nikolas Koob Nyx Ballaine Alta Old McTronald Old Scroat Mccrackin Owen Lide Paddy jay Passenger Shaming Patrick Gries Paul Flores Paul Lococo Peter Craig Peter Shea Philip James Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Rashelle Raymond Renee Nicol RinDee Roar Hanasand Robert Doucette Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Ryan Crafts Ryan Forrest Ryan Garcia Ryan Jordan Ryan Walsh Ryan Wolfe Sam Illgen Sarah Anderson Scott Scott Lucy Scott Swain Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Shannon Schulte Shawn-Leigh henry Sonja Prazic Stacy Blessing Stahn Johnson Stepfan Jefferies Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Steven Stoody Sungmin Choe Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall thatdudewiththepaperbag The Asian Hamster Thee shitfaced chef TheGremlin Cafe Tim Bonventre Tim Greener Tim Ozcelik Timothy Eyerman todd vesterse Tom in Rural NC Tom Kostya Tom Reichardt Tommy From England Tommy Redditt Travis Simpson Travis Vowell Trevor Fatheree Troy Ty Oliver Tyler Harrington Tyler Shaver Victor Montano Victoria Adams William Morris William Reid Peters xTaCx Stretch Zech JohnsonSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At Bet365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic. Every goal, every game, every point, every play. From the moments that are remembered forever to the ones you've already forgotten. Whether it's a game-winning goal in the final seconds of overtime or a shot-on goal in the first period. So whatever the sport, whatever the moment,

it's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit ConnexOntario.ca. Today's episode is brought to you by one of my favorite places to be on earth, and that's Gray Block Pizza. You know, I liked being, when I was young, I liked being in Louisiana.

And as an adult, I liked being in Gray Block. And you can go to Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles. Grey Block, get that hitter. Welp, it's still me and I got something to say to you guys and that something is Skillshare. All of us have skills and all of us don't have a lot of different skills. Well, that can change in a heartbeat

and that heartbeat is Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning platform with over 20,000 classes in business, design, technology, and more. You can take classes in social media marketing, data science, mobile photography, and creative writing. You name it, they've got it. The top 10 classes that this past weekend listeners have signed up for, I'm not going to name all 10, but I'm going to name a couple. Presentation essentials, how to share ideas that inspire action. Sketch, sketch for beginners. And designing your own app. How to make Android apps. Trap music production. Whether you're trying to deepen your professional skill set or start a side hustle or just explore a new passion,

Skillshare is there to keep you learning and thriving. You can get two months of Skillshare for just 99 cents. That's right. Skillshare is offering this past weekend, listeners, two months of unlimited access for over 20,000 classes, just 99 cents. Why send your kid to college when you can send them to Skillshare.com slash Theo. Again, go to Skillshare.com slash Theo to start your two months now. Today's episode features a man who is swollen with joy. A man who's probably, when you think about men, probably one of the top maybe 9,000 men on planet Earth, I bet.

He's a guy, you may know him from Mad TV. You may know him just from, you know, people love this guy. He's basically a human Santa. You know, he's kind of the, he's that South Pole Santa. He's that sweaty bad boy And he's known time after time From different podcasts This is no joke the first time he and I Have ever really had a conversation

Because we don't even really know each other We've just seen each other in the hallway sometimes And you've got to see him in the hallway Because you've got to go around him I mean really it's his hallway And I'm just kind of waiting at the corner for him to pass so I can go down it. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top 9,000 men, I think I said, Big Whitey himself, that honky donk, bro. Happy holidays.

You celebrate Christmas or don't? I do. Yeah? Yeah, I do. Do you celebrate Christmas? Oh, definitely. So this is a safe space to say Merry Christmas. Oh, definitely.

You can say that here? Yeah. I started saying it again. Yeah, me too. You know what? Fuck people telling me you have to say Merry Christmas. Oh, definitely. You can say that here? Yeah. I started saying it again. Yeah, me too. You know what? Fuck people telling me you have to say Happy Holidays. No. You say it.

I say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, because that's kind of what most people are... That's what's in the area. Yeah. I don't give a fuck if you have blonde hair and a little tiny little face. I'll still say Happy Hanukkah to you. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah.

If you can't even read. When I was growing up, not a lot of people could read like they can now. So you had to, you know, you couldn't really send a lot of Christmas cards. You had to tell people. You had to, you know, tell them to their face. Yes. You know? Like in our area, we didn't really grow up like in the, you know, reading area, I guess, of the U.S.

Or some parts. I grew up in kind of like a A non-reading area? Yeah, more like a non-verbal belt And we had I mean, I remember one of our teachers Tried to only teach us They only had 18 letters in the alphabet

Wait, are you Are we going? Oh, I don't know, are we? Is this the Theo show? Oh, welcome to this past weekend, guys We got Will Sasso here Hey, what's up? One of the

Probably top two or three hundred men in america maybe yeah yeah i made the uh well this past year i was in the uh just edged out of the top 200 but i was in the top 300 men in america yeah and who do people a lot of times who beats you out for that like is there a guy you're always neck and neck with yeah there's a guy named uh well there's a guy named dale fuzz who lives in kentucky oh yeah who uh he's a school bus driver and he's a guy named Dale Fuzz who lives in Kentucky. Oh, yeah. He's a school bus driver, and he's a man. Him and I go back and forth a lot. We got a lot of the same type of man things. I can see that.

D-Fuzz, dude. Bus 161. Sometimes the bus drivers will get the horn from a rig put in the bus. Yeah, put in the bus. Or in Dale's case, he has one of those, just this sort of thing, so he can work this arm because he's also the high school football coach. Oh, yeah, of course. So, yeah, but Dale's got it like that.

And we both like smoked meats and shit. So we kind of go back and forth. And me, him, Kevin James. Oh, wow. Yeah, I could see that. Hovering around that 200 mark. Yeah, yeah. I'm always fighting for that 200 in men's magazine.

Man magazine. Top 200 men. Do you? Because you're kind of a bigger guy if I look at you. I don't know. I don't know. If I'm reading your name, it seems like he could be any size. I'm about 165 pounds right now.

No, you're not. I'm about 165, 170 pounds. Are you saving up weight for something? Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting 165, 170 pounds. Are you saving up weight for something? Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting ready for the, I'm playing the Dale Fuzz story. Are you really? Yeah, we're going to shoot the Dale Fuzz story, yeah. That's pretty cool.

It's independent, so we'll see. Who else is in it? We'll see what happens. Well, Dale Fuzz has a cameo. Yeah. Yeah. So he's playing a bus driver, obviously. Yeah.

Yeah, so that'll be fun. And it's me, him, Tony Collette. Oh, yeah? Harlan Williams? Harlan Williams. Okay, yeah, you read the Hollywood Reporter. Gary Buscemi? Gary Buscemi, who finally gets a role after all these years being in the shadow of his little brother, Steve.

So it's going to be a good flick. Yeah. I can see brother, Steve. So it's going to be a good flick. Yeah. I could see that, man. Is there a movie that you wanted to be in that you weren't in? I probably would have been, well, maybe it was a little before my time, but I kind of,

I like to, I'll watch Apocalypse Now and think that Marlon Brando was pretty good in that role, but I could probably get a, I don't know. It would have been one or two or not quite an embryo. I could see you in Coach.

Have you ever seen Coach? The TV show? Yeah. Yeah. I loved that show, actually. It wasn't one of my favorite shows, but I could always watch it. Yeah. That was watchable TV.

Yeah. It's gone a little bit on the wayside, man. Yeah. The first 25 years of that show were good. The past 17, 18 years of that show haven't been as good as the first quarter century. There's Coach right there. There's Coach. Yeah.

Did you ever meet that guy? No. What's his name again? Dale Hanson, I think. Dale Hanson. That is Craig T. Nelson. Craig T. Nelson. Never met him. No, I've never met craig t nelson

wow and the other fellow is uh is uh jerry van dyke dick van dyke's brother is it really yeah the the guy the older fella i met dick van dyke at the comedy store oh really yeah he was like 140 years old he's amazing yeah that's jerry van dyke wow yeah and uh yeah dick van dyke is amazing i follow he is amazing i follow him or his wife on instagram or twitter i can't remember and i i i mean that to say he doesn't post but his wife posts shit of him on his behalf which is amazing yeah because this is rob petri for fuck's sake yeah petri uh you know if you think of the old dick van dyke show the guy's been around for 100 years and he's like and she just shoots little videos of him like dancing and cracking jokes and he's fucking more entertaining than uh he's on the top he's on

the top 100 man list is she a pretty hot lady is she a pretty hot uh i think if you're a hundred year old man not that you know i don't want to be ageist and i'm sure he could probably you know he probably does very well with the ladies What's wrong with Chris D'Elia, do you think? What's wrong with Chris D'Elia? Fuck, I don't know if we have enough time If you had to pick six things, dude Because I don't want to be mean to him

Six things Holy fuck, let me just say right now I'm keeping this sand hat on But it's hot as fuck in here It's not that hot now What happened? You said you were burning a candle dude i'm gonna die oh what happened well we had a guy in here who had tourette syndrome and that has nothing to do with how he left a lot of heat also you don't know how to wear clothes you would maybe be cooler yeah i do not know how to wear

if i learned a little if i learned a thing or two about wearing clothes um dude black is a hot hot that's all I wear That's all I fucking wear Well, right there, dude Black I like to keep it hot So you've probably got a lot of heat hibernating What temperatures does your body run at, you think?

Ooh, I don't know Have you ever taken a steak and done a sous vide on a steak? Okay, so sous vide What's that? Cumming in it? Well, it's basically just preheating the fats and the meats together You put it in a sous vide well it's it's basically just preheating the the fats and the meats together uh you put it in a sous vide bag and you can even get a special sous vide pot and then you hang the little steak over in there and it just sort of essentially when you take it out of there you could eat it

like that you wouldn't want to uh is it good well then you throw it on the grill so then the inside so you don't have a steak that the inside's cold but you're outside i mean if you're me you like it chicago or pittsburgh style oh yeah chart on the outside rare on the inside like so you don't have a steak that the inside's cold, but you're outside. I mean, if you're me, you like it Chicago or Pittsburgh style. Oh, yeah. Chart on the outside, rare on the inside. I like it Pittsburgh style, a little bit of pink eye on the edge. Yep. You know?

That pink eye, that ripple, that balloon knot inside. Oh, dude. So if you do the sous vide and then you throw it on the grill or in your pan. Yeah. And so the outside's all. So a sous vide is about 180 degrees Fahrenheit, maybe 181. So yeah, I can just like, you know I'll sit, I can just put a steak

Between my legs or under my arms What is wrong with D'Elia? No, he's good Wait, hold on Let's think of something Yeah, I guess he's alright I guess he's alright Well, what's wrong with Brian

Brian Callen? Yeah Brian's strong for a little guy, for like an older guy. Yeah, he's a very strong 63-year-old man. I know, damn. Dude, he has to be worrying about existence, you know? Yeah. Yeah, he must be worrying about his mortality.

I'm 43 years old, and I have those sort of things where I'm like, oh, I'm staring at mortality going, I literally shouldn't eat that. Wow. Because I could go to sleep and not wake up again really well why not why not crazier things have happened and what are like what kind of items are those that you're you know that you have like you know you're having those you know kind of dining fears of well if i have like you know some of my pals over we're just gonna hang out order a pizza watch a movie seems innocent enough i'll look at that you know third or fourth slice of pizza and that'll be the that'll be the waypoint for me that'll be the uh

well you know you gotta tone it down does it feel weird walking over to a pizza box for the fifth slice does it feel weird walking over to the pizza box for a fifth no i think if you're i think once you get past three then you're not worried about your own. If you think about your own mortality in pizza, then every walk to the pizza box should be. Yeah, but then your friends leave. There's one or two slices left. And what do you do with them? You don't want to throw them away, would you? No.

What do you do? You don't throw them away? I don't know. You don't want to throw them out in the cold. That's what's wrong with D'Elia and Callan. Oh, yeah. They're pizza-ignoring motherfuckers, just like you. I bet you just don't give a shit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah those guys are really wild man Those guys are assholes So dude we don't even know each other No we don't really know each other And it's awesome to be here To actually This is the most Actually your audience is witnessing The most that we've spoken to Ever As far as this goes

Yeah And once we're finished This will be like A thousand percent more Yeah Than we've ever spoken to each other Yeah We've really only seen each other

Through Brendan and Brian Over here And Chris And you So you were a mad tv or an improv artist i know that yeah i was you know just acting on you know stuff yeah do you feel were you always an actor were you always like um were you always like a class clown or what were you like what was because some people get in a you know comedy they're class clowns some people you know they're writers and they think of it some people you know come at it from class clowns. Some people, they're writers and they think of it. Some people come at it from more of a creative space.

What was some of your stuff? I was a class clown. Really? Were you a class clown? I was, but just verbally. I didn't do any, I wouldn't do anything physical. What do you mean? I would just verbally say something.

Like somebody would be like, my mom died. The teacher one time was like, my mom died. And I was like my mom died you know and i was like prove it you know and uh but i would never get up and like you know juggle or show my asshole or like that yeah well class clowns i don't know if showing your asshole when we were kids when i mean i've got some years on you but generationally speaking when we were younger it was okay to get up stand on your desk and show your asshole oh yeah that would have been funny now you're gonna have problems because it's just a much more piece well we had a dude mr patrick he would for he'd give you 20 40 bucks he'd walk

about 60 feet from you show you his asshole as long as you looked at it you kept the money that's fucking amazing you know and is that pedophilia i don't know what that is that's art that's an yeah that's kind of art yeah that's an atm dude yeah that's amazing that's ass to money dude you know but yeah and as long as he would only look he'd kind of look back once to make sure you were locked in dude and i didn't feel like you know i didn't like watching him take his belt off but i didn't mind seeing his asshole from far away. Who gives a fuck? It's just another man's asshole at that point. Back then,

pedophiles were pedophiles. Oh, yeah. You knew if it was a pedophile. Yeah, they had a van. They were yelling, I'm a pedophile.

Yeah, that's right. I'm a pedophile. But a guy showing his asshole from 60 feet away. Yeah, what is that? Be kind of hard to fuck with that in court. Yeah.

How far away was he? 60 feet. Prosecution. Yeah's time uh he fucking showed the kids his asshole how far away was he different times let's have a look at the security footage dude we had a dude i remember in the woods and we thought he was a um he said he was a private investigator he was a um peeping tom really out there for like two months yeah and finally we're like oh this dude's just looking at everybody's ass through the windows and tits at night right this dude's just out here hunting single mom fucking nipple at night yeah you if you if you had a camera on him late at night you see him prying his asshole open to no one and that's's a real freak. That's true, dude. Yeah. We had a guy.

See, I grew up in a small town outside Vancouver. Oh, wow. You're Canadian. Yeah. I'm from Canada. Oh, wow. That's awesome. Kind of a country-ass town called Ladner. Beautiful, beautiful place surrounded by like,

there's the water on this side from the Fraser River and then it's just all farmland. And the water's cold, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Very cold. Not in the summer yeah you can go swimming um but you wouldn't want to swim anyway it's gross but uh because you know it's a river so there's oh yeah dude fish that's how i got pink eye out there in pittsburgh yeah that's how you

like that stick oh dude uh and my buddy got got a blow job he was used to be the pittsburgh parrot he got a blow job in an abandoned swimming pool on the south side in an empty swimming pool friend of mine anyway in pittsburgh no no no we're talking about lad i would have loved if that story just ended with my friend my buddy got a blow job yeah anyway go ahead um so uh yeah ladner was this sort of country town and uh we there was a pedophile. Oh, yeah. His name was Albert something. Oh, yeah. And it was in Harbor Park, where there was a bunch of just feral bunnies and rabbits and hares and jackrabbits and shit.

Beautiful. And he was in there in a tent, as the lore dictated. And if you went in there and got molested, it was your fault, because there one guy and he was in this fucking don't go in Harbor Park towards sunset. That's what they're doing. Yeah, that's where it's all happening because it was a more innocent time. And I'll tell you right now, I can't think of anything off the top of my head. But if a teacher or an educator of any kind pried his asshole open from 60 feet away in Ladner, British Columbia in the 1980s, early 90s, I don't think anyone would have given a fuck. Yeah.

I don't think anybody would have either. I don't think anybody still cares, really. Does anybody really care? Or is it just people who want to be like, oh, you know, look at this evil person. People want to feel better about themselves. Yes. People, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

That's sort of, that's, you know, that's what's going on today. Dude, we had a dude who used to give you, he had like, he'd always have raisins in his pockets, individual raisins, and he'd give you a couple of them. We had a dude, my dad had a friend, and he'd put cinnamon on the fucking palm of his hand and let you lick it off. And this was probably, and one of his feet was longer than the other one. What the fuck is the name? Extra foot. He was black.

And he had like half of an extra foot. Growing out the bottom of it? Well, black people are always trying to show off, you know. But he had like half of an extra foot so you know but on the bottom of it well black people are always trying to show off you know but he had like a no hold on a second he had like a lift on his shoe one of his feet wasn't that long oh one of his feet oh i thought you meant he had like two feet stacked like a sandwich no like a foot sandwich with no crazy bread sandwich he had a two story foot Yeah a two story foot Oh my goodness Just a stack

Just a big mac foot Two patties He pulls it in Hey What town So what city are you near I'm near New Orleans Oh okay

So So we had that French connection Your town was just fucked up Yeah I mean we had Regular people around there But my dad had this dude This guy

And he would just pay him To kind of stand around us sometimes and he um yeah he always had a little bit of cinnamon in his hand and this when i was young not if now there's cinnamon anywhere there's vietnamese cinnamon there's fucking you know you could beat the cinnamon out of a fucking korean if you hit him hard enough yeah they're good they got some in their pockets i'm not believing any fucking career so i'm saying everybody's keeping everybody's got some sin you know everybody's keeping secrets and a lot of people kind of i would imagine a lot of people a lot of your viewers and listeners you know kind of go like well what is the you know what's the secret like what's going on in hollywood because they think like it doesn't matter how how you people like you or me get it

come across people they always think we're hiding something yeah and that's what i have to say to your audience especially the young people out there if you beat the fuck out of someone hard enough you'll get that cinnamon oh yeah and that could be i could be speaking a metaphor or we could be speaking quite literally about you know your friend with the cinnamon in the palm yeah i mean we could be talking i'm talking spice work yeah so you never know but i look dude i've always been really fond of canadians and they've grown Yeah. I mean, we could be talking, I'm talking spice work. Yeah. So you never know. But look, dude, I've always been really fond of Canadians, and they've grown on me over time. You know, and I wouldn't mind in the next life, or if things get a little hairy here, a little more hairy in the U.S., I could move up to Canada.

I know a lot of people that are talking about it. A hundred percent. Not to Leo or Callan. That's another thing wrong with them. They don't like Canadians. That's crazy. Yeah, I've never told them that I'm Canadian. Really?

In all the time that we've known each other. Yeah, I never thought you would be Canadian, man. You seem like a guy that wouldn't be Canadian, but now I'm not surprised once you did tell me. What is it about me that you think is Canadian and what isn't? You just seem a little more kindred than an American. Oh, okay. You seem to have more of a good nature, more of like at peace with yourself, a little bit more Americans. You seem a lot more like just volatile and unsettled, you know? Okay.

Yeah, people usually say, are you Canadian or from Chicago? Yeah, I could see that. People think I'm from Chicago because I'm a bigger fella and I'm in comedy. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of the thing. I mean, look at this guy right here out of Wisconsin. Chris Farley right there, and he died. And did you ever do drugs and alcohol? No. No, I never got the thing. If I were. I mean, look at this guy right here out of Wisconsin. Here we are. The man. That's Farley right there, and he died. And did you ever do drugs and alcohol?

No. No, I never got into, well, I drank. I could drink like a piece of shit with my buddies, you know, growing up. I actually haven't had a drink in a long time, but I just recently, about a year ago, reintroduced some red wine. Yeah, I hadn't had a drink in like six years. But I never, now I know, you've gone through the. Yeah.

I don't drink. Yeah. And I, I, I agree with that. As a matter of fact, I got there just kind of, you know, I never really, it wasn't something that I did too often drinking. So it wasn't like, oh, I need to stop this for you know any of the the reasons that uh you know a lot of people you weren't having trouble wasn't having trouble i just it just didn't agree with me i feel like it doesn't agree with me i feel like it doesn't agree with anybody

it really is fucking weird it's sort of socially accepted it's a drug that's so socially accepted because i mean you know whatever we could talk forever it's interesting though i start to think that it's old-fashioned i'm starting to think a little bit it's old-fashioned especially nowadays i see everybody is using um mushrooms magic mushrooms yeah absolutely or you know whatever you know the shit that comes from the earth and whatever your opinion is on that you know they're you know certainly things like marijuana or you know i've never done mushrooms or anything but it's like the shit comes from the earth. And you think about like alcohol goes through all this different process,

whether you're brewing or distilling. Denver, half of it goes through Denver. Most of it. Fucking half of it goes through Milwaukee. Yeah, it has to go through Milwaukee or Denver. And then you have like Scott Elliott going Coors, the banquet beer, because it's the water in Colorado. All that Coors has to go through Colorado

The Rocky Mountain Wait Coors, the banquet beer That's pretty good Let me try it, man Coors, the banquet beer Yeah, you sound like Scott Elliott Just woke up. Is this Scott Elliott?

Who's Scott Elliott? He's the guy with the mustard Do you have to use so many cuss words, dude? Oh, really? Why am I doing this? That's Sam Elliott, dude. Oh, Sam Elliott. What did I say? Scott Elliott?

Yeah. See, I'm doing a perfect Scott Elliott. It's his younger brother, a la Jerry Van Dyke. Why am I doing this when I have a mustache? That's true. Of course. What if somebody got their finger cut off and just put installed right you just go into a lab and have your finger cut off and sewn to your thing

uh oh is this it you're gonna play banquet beer strong-willed you do it your own way when you're uncompromising second best never crosses your mind. When you're set in your ways, you stay true to yourself. If you can drink to that, you're going to be here with your animals. I got no animals. Really? Then what are you doing, dude? you got a family or not no you well something's going on then what's going on because it's starting to seem kind of weird yeah

it is starting to seem kind of weird even though we've only known each other through this podcast oh yeah it's immediately weird when you realize a 43 year old man you're i mean obviously i'm dressed like a kid yeah he started talking about pedophilia yeah, I'm wearing a Santa hat I'm going, I've got a mustache, who am I now? You want to lick my palm? Coors The banquet beer Yes, your honor, I did show those children my asshole But I was 60 feet away

Coors The banquet beer Coors will make you do that, huh? You know Enough Coors will make you do that Oh, dude, know, enough Coors will make you do that. Oh, dude, we used to have a lot of gays would meet up behind a rest area bar in our town, you know, because I grew up across a river from a rest area. And not only do they have rest area in Canada, rest area in America is where you stop on the interstate to fucking. Truck drivers.

Yeah, drugs, kill a spouse, leave a kid. You know what I'm saying? It's basically, it's like a halfway halfway house but it's unincorporated you know and that's a good way to describe they had a lot of the gay you know homoerotic men sorry would meet up behind there and do drugs and start touching each other not even necessarily homosexual just homoerotic yeah because you know a lot of this was drug induced yeah it was a guy like dale fuzz he gets a bunch of those like spanish fly or fucking stay up all night baggies at the gas station and then pretty soon fuzz is like you know and uh dude i met a girl in miami over by joe's crab shack and bought nine of those gas station you know dick pills this is when they

first came out bro couldn't 1960 i couldn't bend my fingers right and my nose kept bleeding jesus dude and i was up all night, bro. You couldn't bend your fingers? Any of them. And I would go through each one and try to bend them. You're lucky to be alive. That is fucking. Oh, dude, and my nose was bleeding.

I must have lost. I don't know how much, you know, how much blood I lost that night. But anyway, but that was the first time I ever had snow crab. I remember that. Yeah, it's a good thing you remember that, even though your brain was bleeding. But you hung on to that lovely memory. But they had one time, me and my buddy go in the woods, me and my buddy Jeremy, we go in the woods, and they had two dudes out there shooting potatoes with one of those slingshots across the river.

Nice. If gay guys would get together and start making out. If they were on drugs. If they're just gay guys meeting up, having a picnic, that's no harm, no foul. How would you know? Because they'd have like a little Christmas, a little picnic. No, these guys knew. They could just tell if they were two dudes on fucking methamphetamines.

Yeah. Wouldn't normally. So basically, they felt like they were doing an anti-homorerotic service by saying you don't really want to have sex with that guy i'm i'm saving your marriage yeah that's cool now it would have been funny i think if they had done sweet potatoes you know because i think that would have kind of added like a cute thing yeah because then the guy would get hit in the eye go what the fuck oh i get it yeah but um but i think they wanted to prevent sexually transmitted diseases Yeah, come into their town You fucking come into the rest stop

You infect everybody with your disease And then you roll on You're a bunch of frozen chicken You're the fuck out of here And we have to deal with it in our town They were doing a public service You got a bunch of herpy, spotted up Tyson cutlets And you're rolling out of town

Yeah, you're rolling out of town Yeah, you're doing 95 miles an hour With 6,000 of fucking chicken you don't give a shit a fucking dirty chicken yeah there's no regulation at all yeah we're here with these fucking potatoes because we got a bunch of these in a field behind us you ain't coming locally brother on our watch you know not here so that was it was kind of a different time i don't know what we're talking about but um but yeah it was just a different time and but kind of a different time. I don't know what we're talking about. But yeah, it was just a different time. But it was a different time. It was like, you know, people could enjoy themselves a little more.

Oh, sure. Yeah, back then. Well, now especially. I mean, you look at how things are changing exponentially. Every time I read a story, every time I sort of get into it, into the, you know, whatever. There's so many manner of things that are changing rapidly and we're two white dudes. So when you, when you kind of go like, oh, well, here's what's going on, you know, socially, whether it's a regional thing, like what happens here in California, whether it's a gender

thing, which is, you know, all over the country and, and most parts of the Western world, what's, what's changing and and how how fast it's changing i can't even believe well you'll you'll see some things now that you go like that was 2016 and you feel like so much has changed wow i i'm curious you know as a stand-up does that because i was listening to something with like anyway well i'll ask you because i was listening i was watching this thing on youtube and some stand-ups were talking it. Has it affected you and what you do? You know, I think I looked at an old set from like eight years ago or something. I was on Comedy Central and I don't think, I felt weird about having it up still.

Ah, yeah. So that was interesting. But I also noticed that like, like I'll go on things like JK News. Have you ever been on their show? No. It's a good show and they're all diversity and fucking who knows, bro. It's so mixed over there. You can't even, you know.

It's basically, you might as well be in a war 50 years ago. You know, everybody's, it's pretty diverse. Right. So anyway, you're over there, and they talk about all the funnest stuff. They talk like we used to talk 15 years ago. Well, I kind of feel like. It's only Hollywood, and these are LA people. These are Latinos. That's ago. Well, I kind of feel like... It's only Hollywood. And these are LA people.

These are Latinos, Koreans, Asians. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They have fun. And it's a fun show to be on. They're not minding their P's and Q's. No. It's only when I get into this side of the tracks, where I'm in Hollywood side.

Yeah. Well, you know, and whatever. I mean, I'm not the first to say this, but it is a lot of fucking white guilt. There's a lot of white, just white people or people who are of the, I don't even know what you would, I don't even know how you would label the culture

outside of saying just PC, or you could say like lefty or whatever the fuck you want to say, Hollywood, left, whatever, that are mostly changing that. seat or you could say like you know lefty or whatever the fuck you want to say hollywood left whatever uh that are you know that are mostly changing that when you think about just being able to cut loose regardless of what line you're what side of the line you're on it feels like i mean when i got here to la it was like there was no fucking problem you could say whatever oh yeah fuck you wanted and we used to do shit on Mad TV.

I couldn't believe what we were doing. I was like a young dude and I showed up and I'm like, can we say that? And then pretty soon you get your feet wet and you're like, what about this? And it was great because people still got along and everything. But it's hard to deny. You of course want to listen to everybody's take and you of course yeah don't want to i you know i've never wanted to do comedy to hurt anyone's feelings as a matter of fact i kind of left mad tv going i'm not even comfortable making fun of fucking celebrities anymore wow because well not like making fun like if there's

something even if there was something to make fun of if there's some sort of scandal i was like like i would do like you know my impersonations and shit or anything that was specifically targeted at celebrities i would always try to make it silly and stupid and not about anything real yeah i didn't want to do the stuff that was that was uh you know pointedly mean so but that's just me and and um so of course i want to pay attention to i don't think the comedy should exist to make people feel bad right i think it should do the opposite so you can't help but but or i can't help but kind of pay attention to people who are like well that's fucked up and that hurts people's feelings i'll

listen to that shit all day long i'm already not very offensive yeah not very offensive at all and most of the work i do most of the shit that i'm doing nine to five is acting anyway yeah i mean right you could yeah you can always behind it but nowadays the stuff that if i'm if i'm working on something creating something and developing something it's like it comes into yeah it comes into my mind but it's it's uh oh i see you got it but podcast you can still say it on some do you feel like that yes i think mostly because of the way podcasts are set up no one's really gonna go through i mean right now it's still the wild nobody's really gonna listen to them no one's gonna

listen to an hour and a half of a fucking podcast and pick out the... I actually was listening to... I was watching something that was making me laugh, which is the dumbest setup to say something about... What was it? Ozarks? I was watching something that was making me laugh. Yes, Ozark. No, I was just watching some... The second season's not as funny.

Not as funny as the first season. It's like Coach. The end of the first season With that electric boat Did you see that one? No, what happened in that? Am I forgetting how to wear clothes again? I don't know

Damn, dude, yeah You look like a Here's what you look like, dude A panda bear That has definitely been doing crime I'm like gonna go steal Fucking bamboo Definitely, bro

Out of the air wand Yeah, dude You look like Voldemort You look like a dude voldemort but that that word that goes shopping at a market all the time voldemort um uh no i was just watching something and then one guy called the other guy like a gay slur but they were really angry at each other and it made me laugh so fucking hard because it, it, it's like, it made me laugh. Nowadays it makes me laugh because half of it is like, well, you can't, what are you doing?

You can't fucking say that. And, and then the other half is like, damn, back in the day we used to say whatever the fuck we wanted. That's wild. And you would, it's like, you would even call people shit that, I mean, you want to talk about calling people shit that technically they're not, which is what makes it funny. I mean, you could call people anything.

Now you can't. But also I kind of feel like the wokeness is coming from, people look at the history and they go, look, this is just my opinion. I don't think people that aren't black shouldn't be saying the N word. I think the black people say the N word and it's their word to own and they do whatever the fuck they want with it.

White people shouldn't say that word by that logic. There's a bunch of shit that people who are not should not say. Right. So if it's something that can become a different term between, you know, within that community, whether it's, you know,

the gay community or, or the black community or whatever, they get to govern. That's just me. But that's a societal opinion. Right. It's my own opinion. There are no fucking rules.

Well, we got a guy coming up on an episode that has Tourette's, and he was telling me how you can't even have Tourette's these days. Right. Tourette's is offensive. You can't even have a disease. Tourette's is offensive, dude. Yeah. He said he's got a lot of young dudes hitting him up have Tourette's these days because you right Tourette's you can't even have a disease Tourette's is offensive dude yeah he said he's got a lot of young dudes hitting him up with Tourette's asking him how to best you know hide the n-word if he yells it out at a you know at a Ramada or something and if you've ever been to Ramada it's hard to not you know

drop it a couple times you know what I'm saying dude you're gonna be they got all kinds of crime on that at those places I was watching a a thing. There's a clip online. But think about that. You can't even have a disease anymore. You can't have Tourette's. You can barely be from Nicaragua. What do you mean? Without offending somebody.

You better say it clear and pronounce the C. That's right. That's right. Absolutely right. I mean, it's just a different time. I'm not even going to get into some of the african countries oh dude when i'm having sushi bro i order the nigeri bro nigeri yeah yeah that's right playing games you say jif instead of gift that's how safe you are oh dude um you gotta be safe because you gotta say that and train your

tongue so that you can get the nigeri sushi Hi, may I have two pieces of salmon Nigeri? I don't even say Nigeri. I used to say Nigeri. Nigeri is good, too. Anything to get you away. Do what you do, man. These are social things. It's all for us to decide.

There are no pointed rules. I mean, who are we going to listen to? You make up your own. So if you want to say Nigeri. But do you think, though, that people start, like now though like uh it's funny because a lot of times the only people that are allowed to be safely made fun of on television anymore like poor white people yeah and that's where i'm from and that's what makes me mad because it's like well fuck you it's just it's way hard to be poor what about rich white people and to me the only people that still even

own black people or own anybody in the world anymore are executive producers or people that own the rights to people yeah you know like if you want to look at that's the only ownership going on anymore you know if you want to look at like that guy who's on that the cosby show he's out there you know stacking fucking you know little uh quantum little qualum uh um kumquats and then they're saying oh he don't have any money somebody's making money off of him being on tv every week jeffrey wright you know a white guy or bill cosby which one are you talking about jeffrey owens jeffrey owens i always get the olympian i only only remember half of people's names yeah i like that yeah jeffrey owens the olympian yeah you mean uh daniel claus no

hey have you heard about this new this guy brad trump hey guys what's going on with brad trump uh you think uh mexicans should be deported how about that haircut of yours brad trump i don't know what happened i went out there i gave him my brad trump i got really good stuff on brad trump and nobody no it's that you said you said you said brad it's donald trump do they have what kind of um evil do they have in canada that they don't have in america do you think beavers oh yeah think about that yeah we got beavers we got cats like i was dating a girl she had two cats and i couldn't imagine if she had two beavers over that yeah we got beavers we got cats like i was dating a girl she had two cats and i couldn't imagine if she had two beavers over there yeah that would be that's fucked up

because when you're in canada and you're just like dating a girl or me you know you know it's like it'd be nice to to settle down with a night with a nice canadian gal as i look as i look forward but a lot of times i'll get you know i'll meet someone on the you know I'll be home for a while or something or even when I'm fortunate enough to get to work up there and you know and you meet a girl and it's like oh this is going good and shit and then you finally get back to her place and she has two rabid beavers oh yeah and you go to sleep like if it's like shit goes all right and then you go to sleep and then you want to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and you get up and all your clothes and shoes and shit are all stacked up by the bathroom door because the beavers made

a dam and you can't even fucking get in there and you're like this isn't gonna work out yeah it's really fucked up all right yeah you can't do shit and what about the iditarod what happened with that because you guys are doing that with the dogs we got. Yeah. And why are they doing that? Tradition, I guess, you know. Hey, you know, I shot a film in the Arctic. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was nuts. Outdoors?

No, I was in a studio, but it cost less to go to the... We just went out there to shoot on a soundstage. Yeah, Arctic Studios. I thought you were with it. I didn't know about it. Dude, look, I didn't know. Oh, yeah, they shot... Damn, Santa's doing working off season these with it. You didn't know about it. I did. Look, I didn't know. Oh, yeah. They shot the- Damn, Santa's doing working off season these days. They shot all the Wolverine films.

So, no. So, we went out. We were in the Arctic. And, you know, I'm from Canada. They kind of, you know, we have more of a, you know, you grow up, you sort of learn what they want you to learn about our First Nations people and stuff. But I realized how ignorant I was. learn what they want you to learn about our first nations people and stuff but i realized how ignorant i was because that snow sledding shit the dog sleds that they okay they don't have like

they don't have roads that go from town to town in the arctic it's just like here's a town and the only way to get anywhere else is by plane or when the ocean is frozen, that's what they're fucking, they're sledding on. And I realized just how fucking, it was crazy. And of course, everyone was so nice and just sweet there. So they would say like, hey, we're going to go over here to our friend's cabin on snowmobiles or wolf, like sleds, dog sleds. And they're like, you want to come? And I'm like, no, there's going to be beakers. Or on Falkor.

Yeah, Falkor would be a good. Or on Falkor. Yeah. Falkor would be a good way to get around the Arctic. So you really went to the Arctic? Yeah. Were you shocked by it? Yeah. A lot of things shocked me about it. It was crazy.

It was awesome. It was a very interesting place. There's definitely a magnet in there. We were in this town, Iqaluit, which is the capital of nunavut which is the inuit territory up there nunavut inuit nunavut inuit dude it sounds like it was it was a world away you want nothing to do with it was it was gnarly but there was like cool shit like this dude maddie owned this fucking barbecue joint and he was like from quebec so he had like legit barbecue plays with like you know they were had you know

had all sorts of you know sam and all kinds of stuff yeah but they also had like beef and shit he was flying it in and and uh he let me borrow a minivan for a while while yeah do you think do a lot of people sometimes when i see people in canada it seemed like they don't have anything to talk about well that's because you're american so they don't want to talk to you about all the Canadian stuff. Yeah. I could be a, I could be a liaison into Canada for you. I would do that. For example, a lot of people in Canada, a lot of people think that Canadians are polite.

Not true. There's a lot of asshole Canadians. Wow. But they'd only show themselves as Canadian assholes to other Canadians. Oh, wow. Actually, and this isn't, this is actually well-documented, I think.

Like, they say people in the South, so you can confirm or deny. Like, the whole, like, you know, they'll be, like, nice to your face, but then, oh, bless her heart, it's this and that. So, the sort of, that's Canadian. Oh, I see. I think we have that in common. Where, you know, and I mean, people are shitty everywhere. But I think that's specific. It's been said a lot of Canadians.

It's like, oh, it's kind of like the sort of sweet part of the South where people are just like, oh, hello, how are you? Very proper. Yeah. And then behind your back, they'll say all sorts of bullshit. And they got a voodoo doll in or something. Yeah, they got Canadian voodoo dolls. Yeah. Yeah. You could just get them at the airport. Any of those things. Just like a little like beaver doll. and they got a voodoo doll in or something they got canadian canadian dolls yeah yeah you could

just get them at the airport any of those things just like a little like beaver doll it's actually a canadian voodoo doll don't be fooled do you do you feel like um hot yeah it's a little warm you were burning a candle in here yeah we had a guy with tourette's in here too and he left a lot of heat in the room bro they're fucking human furnaces like the amish make them they're fucking it's mesmerized i would imagine so there's just a lot churning and burning going on running at 104 degree 100 i mean you think of all the curse words just milling around in their body trying to get out they could sous vide a steak oh dude a guy cut his he cut his wrist and a couple of n-bombs fell out, you know?

That's amazing. They're wild animals. Dude, let's talk about the strap. This is last year's strap. Yes. Okay? How do you feel? This is last year's, man.

I'll let you get a little hold of that sucker, bro. It's been collecting dust because I've had it for so long. It is a beautiful piece of, it is a beautiful strap. $162, and I had to pay for it myself. It's like getting a star on the Walk of Fame. They're like, congratulations, give us eight grand. Yep. Yeah, I turned them down several times.

This is amazing. Yeah. That's it, man. Do you think you have a shot at this year's... Well, let me tell you something, dude. No, I don't. No, I don't think I do. With your stirring rendition Of this is how we do it

Yeah This is how we do it That was fun This is how we do it I don't know what that was That was It's Friday night What are we talking about

It was always Friday night It's like get a calendar Yeah Who sang that dude Somebody with a cheap calendar I know This is how we do it It is interesting

It's Wednesday It's Wednesday night It would have never gone down that way It's Wednesday night And we're at the drug stop Firing sweet potatoes And you're not really gay You're cheating on your wife with another dude

Cause you're high on dick pills Drug induced homosexuality Fingers can't bend and your nose is bleeding. Feels so good. It feels so good. Along this interstate. Tonight. Tonight.

On Wednesday. I think it's between you and Chris. I don't. What are you talking about? I think D'Elia's got it. Well, D'Elia has a fucking, I mean. He has an army. He has an army.

It's like us, you know? Yeah, he has a cult. Who gives a fuck? He has a cult. It's like I'm William Wallace, you know? Or not William Wallace. I'm fucking Wayne Wallace, you know? Wayne Wallace.

A couple of brothers and a couple of bad Asian bitches helping me out on the side. Wayne Wallace. Yeah. Sons of Scotland. You know what I'm saying, boy? We got a couple of bad bitches right here. My boy Petey right here. Let's fucking turn this bench up.

That's a good Scottish accent. Thank you, dude. I've done Scottish before. Yeah. That's Scottish, right? I think it you, dude. I've done Scottish before. Yeah, Chris is... That's Scottish, right? I think it is, dude. And he always does this. He has nine legs, bro.

Yeah, it's easy to do comedy when you have nine fucking legs. Piece of shit. Oh, my goodness. I didn't say piece of shit. They edited that in. Yeah, that's what happens that's technology dude and then they got this new ginger guy up there yeah uh cheeto is his name or whatever get the fuck out of here bro if your parents loved you they'd give you a decent

hair i don't think that's actually is his name cheeto i don't know his name is uh yeah where i'm from dude you don't even listen to those guys that are 40, you know? Redheads? Yeah. Yeah, no, you got to... Get with the program before you pipe up, you know what I'm saying, you little cinnamon stick. You have to accrue some wisdom as a redhead before you start chirping. Because he's firing on just ideas, dude. Yeah, you better be that... Who's that motherfucker from like Revenge of the Nerds and 30-something? Don't worry about it.

This is before... Timothy Busfield. Timothy Busfield? We didn't really listen to Timothy Busfield before he turned about 40 years old. Now he directs. revenge of the nerds and uh 30 something don't worry about it this is before timothy busfield timothy we didn't really listen to timothy busfield before he turned about 40 years old now he directs from baton rouge timothy 511 yeah about 5 8 5 11 two eyes no different guy carbon based life this guy died timothy busfield i don't know died really yeah oh i know timothy but i don't know him that's still alive dude we should link their families up oh that would be cool uh yeah i i i uh guess who it is it's timothy it's timothy busfield and you open it it's a different one and he's like it's still uh that's a great idea that is a good idea that could be a show. That is a good idea. That could be a show. That could be a good show. What would it be called, you think?

Assholes. No, no, dude. I think... Name that asshole would be a good thing, like the feature show, where you have people from your past, and they line up 60 feet away, and they fucking pull their meat apart, and you get to look right down the center. I could name probably two. I think i could name two from maybe six feet i there was a picture of me of my asshole

uh and i didn't i couldn't recognize it oh wow a friend of mine had a bunch of like speaking of shit you used to do uh i guess the guys were all hanging out one thing led to another and i was like mooning one of my friends who was like passed out in a chair from drinking too much probably. Oh, that's a Canadian proposal. I feel like that's a proposal. Yeah, Canadian. You just pull it apart. But no, but mooning your buddy who's passed out in a chair seems like, you know, that's like a Canadian bar mitzvah.

Yeah, yeah. That's what you, yeah. Even if you're a redhead, you're a man after that. Yeah, dude. And I just remember, I was like mooning him. It was me. Oh, wow. And so this picture, this is like a couple years back.

My buddy's like, hey, check out these old pictures I had developed. Because he had one of those disposable cameras. He's like, uh-oh, what's in this from the 90s? And he looks at it, and there's a picture. And I thought it was my buddy Houtman. I thought it was a different dude. I'm like, that's not my ass. Yeah.

And he's like, look, and look at the thing in your head, and look at this shirt. Look at the back of your knees. Yeah. I'm like, oh, whoa. So I'm like, yeah, that's me. I didn't recognize my own asshole. Impressive.

Vast, whiter than I thought it would be. Oh, yeah. Not as hairy as I thought it would be Oh wow Different times though Different times though I mean a 25 year old asshole Like my 25 year old asshole

I'm sure it's bushy now Much bushier It's been 18 years Since then Oh yeah Haven't looked at it Haven't looked straight into it Wow

The way I could With a developed picture And nowadays You can't take that picture And that's bullshit Yeah nowadays You take that picture, and that's bullshit. Yeah, nowadays you take that picture into the service, lady. They're like, oh, you're a pedophile or you're a creep. Yeah.

You know? If there was still photo developing places and you brought that in, yeah, you'd be in. You've got to get your asshole drawn now if you really want a quality shot of it. Yeah, if you want a beautiful picture of your asshole, you'd have to visit a portrait artist, and they'd have to probably sign an NDA. Mmm, I sure do. Do I sound full or empty? Well, I'm full because I've got good food in my system. This past weekend is supported in part by HelloFresh.

HelloFresh. And fresh isn't like a black guy that you met somewhere and you're like, oh, HelloFresh. It's a meal kit delivery service that shops, plans, and delivers your favorite recipes and pre-measured ingredients so you can just cook, eat, and enjoy. There are three plans to choose from, classic, veggie, and family. Each box is made up of fresh, responsibly obtained ingredients from carefully selected farms and high-rated, trusted sources. I've done HelloFresh at the house. You can have a lady over. You can have your girlfriend over.

Side piece. You can have children. Even a children can do HelloFresh with you as long as you handle the knife and just let them help out. Recipes only take around 30 minutes. That's nothing. There's 24 hours in a day, 30 minutes. Get delicious filling meals delivered right to your door every week for less than $10 per serving and free shipping. Nobody sends food places for free except for maybe UNICEF.

unicef so for twenty dollars off your first three boxes and that's for a total of sixty dollars off visit hellofresh.com slash theo60 that's right go to hellofresh.com slash promo code T-H-E-O-6-0. That's HelloFresh.com, Theo60. Code Theo60 for $60 off. That's a lot of six zeros. You know what I'm saying. HelloFresh.com slash Theo60. I read an article the other day that said maybe 30 or 40 percent of Americans

can't smell, but also over 55 percent of Americans have body odor or stink. They used to call it stinking. Now they call it having body odor. Well, I got to say this. Scentbird is a luxury fragrance subscription service that keeps me smelling good month after month. How many months are there in a lifetime? Who knows? Might as well smell good for all of them. Scentbird has 450 designer brands and scents that you can choose one every month. Nobody wants to smell the same all the time. I used to go to my friend Wayne's mom's house, and every time in there, it smelled like kind of fresh bread and like something was also rotten and like stolen goods. But now you can change that up month after month.

Try exactly the brands you want. It's the real deal. The ones I've chosen are Hugo Boss and a little bit of Burberry Brit. That's one of my favorites. They also have Gucci, Tom Ford, Kenneth Cole, and more. Smell like the greatest people on earth. It's kind of like a monthly scent venture. Who's that? Oh, somebody new.

Skip the department store and the pushy sales people. That's why I use Scentbird.com. And with this exclusive offer, you'll get 50% off your first month today. That's only $7.50 for your first cologne or female cologne perfume. Go to S-C-E-N-T-B-I-R-D.com slash weekend. And use my code weekend for 50% off. That's S-C-E-N-T-B-I-R-D.com slash weekend. And use code weekend for 50% off. Sign on.

Smell great. Month after month. Who's that? Ooh, somebody. Scenty. What's next after everybody's doing butt activities now on the internet what's next do you think what's the next orifice you know because we're running out of spots yeah we're running out of holes yeah we're with all the body modification shit we might come

up with new holes like pierce some new assholes you think yeah maybe like a new like a like a hole actually that could kind of solve a lot of problems now because with um you know you know when they talk about like with regard to to gender and pronouns and stuff if a lot of people just had a hole drilled in their gooch between oh yeah between their balls and their asshole rape me along the median you know yeah just put something there in between yeah so that we can all just sort of be one for a while And then figure out maybe in another hundred years That party spot Yeah, party spot

Yeah, you could give it a nickname Like a little hole in the wall Yeah, hole in the wall We could call it a Donnie's Last Resort Yeah, Donnie's Last, Dale Fuzz We could call it a Yeah, sweet potato

Yeah, ooh, sweet potato's good Sweet potato, sweet potato hole The risotto The risotto, yeah Mr. Risotto's garden And you can call it whatever you want Yeah, nigiri, we can call it a nigiri hole Do you think

Mr. Risotto's garden Do you think there's a time in your life when you're more obsessed with your body And then it changes over time A time when you're more obsessed? Yeah I think when you're like 13 or 14 And you beat off for the first time

You're like Wow I can do this All by myself Oh you think you're a magician Yeah That's an interesting time When you realize you can

Beat up adults Or at least for me Oh yeah By the time I was like Nine years old I was like Yeah I could beat up adults, or at least for me. Oh, yeah. By the time I was like nine years old, I was like, yeah, I could beat up adults. That's true. Yeah, did a lot of seniors.

Why the fuck did I take any shit off of anyone? By the time I was like a giant 10-year-old, a big chubby 10-year-old, I could beat the fuck out of anybody. Is it hard being a big guy? What's some of the downfalls of it? It's the easiest thing in the world. The only downfall really is being hot as fuck right now in this hot as shit studio.

It's not that hot. I'm wearing this and I feel actually comfortable. You guys okay? You know, I rotate. I'm bigger and I'm smaller sometimes. Again, it's all about my own view of mortality as it relates to that fourth or fifth slice of pizza. I mostly ignore carbs, So I stay away from carbs I'll just eat lots and lots of meat

What is hard about meat? Really a meaty guy, huh? Yeah I wouldn't be I've done vegetarian I've done pescatarian But no, I gotta have red meat And that's not even my blood type

Wow What else would you like to know about me? That's interesting, man When did you get into stand-up? How old were you? I got in, let me see 23 that's awesome were you 23 24 were you still living in louisiana were you here what was i doing i was living here yeah here yeah i don't know how long wait when so you moved here before

you started doing stand-up yeah what did you move here for i don't know here's what happened a friend of mine lives in san francisco and he's like hey man come out and visit me so i went out there and he's not you know both of us are you know no you know you know see women yeah and i went out there to hang out with him and right when i get there he's like hey dude i'm moving to los angeles the day i get there he's like yeah dude i need help moving so basically then next thing you know i came to los angeles with him and he ended up looking for a place he got a room and i got a room 150 bucks i was sleeping under his bed my buddy kevin and i got sick i got whooping cough actually so i could barely even move for like three months dude it was very scary i had whooping

cough which is an ancient disease and i got you get your shots when you were a kid? They don't do that in Louisiana? I don't know, dude. Somebody else probably got them. Yeah, that's how that works. They always had somebody cutting in line to get you dope over there. Over in St. Tammany, Paris, dude. I knew one dude who would never get measles, mumps, or rubella, bro.

Because he cut in line and took everyone else's shit. Oh, he had four gallons of fucking anti-venom in him. You're lucky he probably took your dick pills a few times. Saved your life. Yeah, I've had some. I've taken a lot of those, boy, those gas station uppers. One time I popped a couple in the gas station, forgot about it, and got so sick I couldn't even leave the gas station for like an hour and a half.

I had to sit down in one of the aisles. Dude, those things, the rhino, the ones with the rhinoceros on them, extremely dangerous. Yeah, don't eat anything with a rhinoceros on them. Yeah, dude, they're dangerous, bro. I had the same thing happen with gas station in Nigeria once. Oh, really? You got sushi at a gas station? Oh, man, you'll be sitting in the aisle just shitting yourself.

Oh, damn. So you moved to LA right away? So then I was down here, and I just stayed, man. I stayed, and I stayed for a while. They had a comedy club down the street from my apartment on San Vicente, and I went in there. They had one night a week, and I went in there they had one night a week and i went in there and then yeah just stayed i guess that's fucking awesome yeah because i would have thought that you would have been i would have

thought you would have been one of those kids who was like i mean you're saying you were still you were a class clown yeah uh and i'm sure i don't know i mean because you know i'm sure you know people like this like i have friends in my life Where I'm like Oh this fucking guy Is so fucking funny Oh yeah And he does this Or that for a living Like guys

Buddies of mine Back home or something Or friends out here That aren't in the business And they're just like Does that person know That they're fucking That they could do it

Right So So That's interesting to me Because I would have thought You would have been like Thinking about it When you were a kid and going. No.

Wow. I remember seeing it in college one time and being like, people do this? Wow. Who is this guy? Wow. I thought he was a leper or something. Right, something, yeah. Or whatever that is.

I don't even know what that is. And I thought, yeah, I remember going and going to the comedy club and being like, wow, it's crazy somebody can do this. So then I guess whenever I saw the place, I was like, oh, I'll go in there. And I didn't think I was going to be good at this maybe until like about seven or eight years when I was like, oh, I can actually do this. Seven, eight years in? Yeah. Wow.

I think I was still a lot of times thinking about not doing it. I took a break about five years for about six months and just went and got a job bartending in Louisiana. I don't know, you know, and then now it's like kind of a full-time job. Of course. So. Were you freaked out the first time you went up or the first few times you went up? I don't think so. My dad was so old.

My dad was 70 when I was born. You know, I talk about that on stage. So I had like such a piece of material that it was undeniable. So I knew I could get a couple laughs. After that, I was scared. I was so scared to stray from anything that I knew was comfortable. Sure, sure, sure. And I can't even imagine an improv class I took.

I could never do that, dude. Really? Jesus Christ, dude. I think you've got to be Canadianadian do improv because you got to be accepting of others and willing to work with others well i never really did like improv class or like like really yeah i didn't really come from the like improv world like improvisational theater or anything me you know you were just an actor and then that's how you got into it well i always wanted to goof around and shit i was a class clown and i was like you know i wanted to i wanted to do renaissance fair do you ever do renaissance fair

yeah i wanted to do ren fairs did you really yeah i wanted to be because people do them a lot up there i wanted to be the town crier the ren fair did you really do it or not no not yet is that your nick swartz impersonation that's a good one actually is that a nick swartz that is definitely a Swartzen impersonation? That's a good one, actually. Is that a Nick Swartzen impersonation? That is definitely a Nick Swartzen impersonation. The Vikings. We're going to fucking lose. I'm going to diary out of my asshole at this bar. Come hang out.

Diary up. That's Nick Swartzen. That's pretty good. Stefan Diggs. I'm performing tonight in Toronto. Diarrhea. Now I'm going to scour the internet to watch it. That's every Nick Swartzen video. You never heard him say diarrhea.

Bro, he's dressed up like Prince. He has on like 90 different colors of lip polish. And he's like, oh, I'm out here. What am I even doing here okay guys i'll be at larson's bar and diarrhea and i'll be having you know you guessed it farting in my own butt come out go like skull then he vomits into his own lap it's his closer but it's funny though man he's a great guy and everybody seems to really love being around him you know he's a really sweet he's a real sweet guy

but i think you know you got that wow the way you bought it back you got oh you got i think the league gets the belt next year you know yeah i think the league gets the because he has the he has the people he can get them to vote he He's got a very large following on the internet, which is well-deserved. I don't give a... I mean, not... Chris is... Here's what I said to my dear friend Chris not too long ago. I said, actually do it.

Now, you've seen that fucking, that dude the uh bleach the bleach media bleach media yeah this dude has been making these really funny videos using taking your heads and our heads and like you know uh but i remember a couple years ago saying like chris buy some fucking land and do it like start an actual cult you have you have an l ron hubbard opportunity here yeah to actually because his fans are are they're something other they're very loyal and they're and he he's writing essentially writing a religion yeah this fucking cuda shit yeah he's like what is it oh i don't know uh i don't know he was texting me we were texting britain's job impersonation too right i don't know i don't know bd dude where you gonna be bry oh don't need all the chilies before i get there i'll be in new mexico in 16 months uh uh should he have fought him yeah uh

is that a good fight for him yeah uh i don't't know. Yeah. Hey, how about this? Don't fight that guy. I don't know anything about MMA. Don't fight that guy. Fight this other guy. Maybe that would have been a better. Yeah. I do marketing, bro. Black rifle coffee.

BDE, dude. Sounds like he's got some BDE. I ain't mad at you. I ain't mad at you. Yeah. Where you going to be, Bri? I'll be in milwaukee you can you can mix it with nick swords and oh yeah

but i told yeah i told dalia like start an actual cult you're you're writing this stuff kuda i like i said we were texting and he goes something uh i told him that i i told him that i ordered these shoes or whatever and he was like i was like i sent him the picture of these shoes like because i you know i have seven pairs of shoes right yeah he's got like you know so many too many shoes and so i was like i'll bug him i'll go like you know hey i ordered some new new balance you know to fuck with him so you can go fuck those dad shoes i ordered a pair of shoes and he was like yeah you fucking cuda and i was like don't don't do that to don't say that to me first of all i don't know what that means like i don't know what you dumb thing what does it even mean mean

what is it Is it dough? Is it dough? Is it dough? He sounds like a fat girl stuck in a wishing well, you know? A what? Like a real big girl stuck in a wishing well, and they throw a ladder down to her. And they're like, here's a ladder, and it's like the little bittiest ladder. And she's like, is it dough? No, she's really mad down there we gotta get a big bigger ladder she's doing a crystal impersonation

so then he told me what kuda means and then i said well uh well then you're fuck you you're a kuda yeah and he got really really upset upset he goes no no i'm not take it back and i go nope he is a cuda and i was like you're cool he goes no i'm not i'm like whoa what the fuck does he you can't even tell me what the fuck it means yeah then you're a cuda you're uh you're a fucking you know you're a a dancer a salmon i don't know all these different you know a mun a mun yeah not the first not barra just cuda not salmon a mun dude he mun. Yeah. Not the first, not bear-a, just coot-a, not salmon. A mun. A mun.

Dude, he's like a leopard kind of that, you know, isn't really being a leopard and is doing other shit and kind of bothering people. That's what I think. Well, I would like for him to bring out the leopard because I know he's the romantic jaguar, and I would like for him. Oh, the romantic jaguar. That's a good, dude, this thing.

That's a good monitor, yeah. I'll watch that like six or seven times. But I would like for him to start Jaguar That's a good That's a good This thing I'll watch that Like six or seven times But I would like for him To start an actual cult You know He doesn't have to go Like wild country style Doesn't have to be Oregon

Colorado would be a good spot But he wouldn't He wouldn't even show up Or he'd probably have Lenocci shot up Fuck yeah He'd show Lenocci

Yeah That fucking guy Who's basically A blood donor for him Lenocci's basically just Like ifris needs a kidney it couldn't be about the comedy it's got to be about you know the guy has decent plasma levels or whatever yeah there's no reason he's right you know he's carting that guy around no

yeah i would i would wait if i were a betting man i'd say they have the same blood type he got lenochi checked out like uh like uh what's her face did in Big Lebowski. He got type O, I bet. Is it O? I think Chris could like- Of course, bro. If Chris had an actual cult and he bought some land, let's say in the Arctic, he went up there like every three months, like four times a year, did a fucking show, showed his new shit. Otherwise, people are are gonna be sitting there freezing cold out there they're gonna be excited for when he comes in the meantime they can dog

sled around he can send him videos and stuff yeah you can send him videos hard to download shit in the arctic is it yeah the uh yeah the wi-fi the uh internet speeds are not very good i could see that yeah uh but um you know and then he could just come out there every three months do some stand-up and and fuck everybody. Yeah. That would be, I mean, that's what I'm saying. Have a cult. Have a real, well, it is a real cult. Would you join it or not? I would be, I wouldn't mind.

He'd charge us to join it, too. I would be. Probably with a meet and greet after. I wouldn't mind being, like, a high cardinal or something like that, and then, like, maybe turn on him Game of Thrones style. They'd kill you up there, though. Second he leaves out of town, somebody's fucking hitting you in the back with a hatchet yeah do you feel like somebody that'll get murdered or die of natural causes honestly um i don't know that i'll get

gee whiz i hope i don't get murdered i don't think i've given anybody reason to murder me although that shit can happen pretty randomly. We had Chris Hansen on here. He said that one of the most random things you notice is that just you don't ever know. There's no real rhyme or reason to people getting, you know, if somebody molests a kid or if somebody gets murdered. Yeah.

I would love to die of natural causes, hopefully not because of something I ate and then went to sleep at night thinking, you know, this fucking calzone is going to kill me. You think you deserve to get murdered or deserve to die of natural causes? Who's to say? You know? You.

I don't get to decide that. But I'm asking you, which one do you think you deserve? Would you be shocked? Like here right now, somebody walked up and punched me in the face. Yeah. I was like, you know what that's for, motherfucker. Yeah. Would you you know what that's for motherfucker yeah would you i could think of a couple things you could think of a couple things yeah it's almost crazy you could do that to anybody yeah you know what that's for motherfucker people have reasons for to do walk off the guy's like whoo at least

that karma came back fast you know that's it i mean i would want to ask again maybe this is the canadian in me but i wouldn't mind sitting down with the man after he punched me in the face and asked him why he did that. Why did you do that? I got punched right in the center of the face once. And it was, well, you know, a few times in my life. But as you get older, when you get punched in the face, I was probably in my late 20s, this guy punched me right in the face. What kind of guy was it?

He was a guy, he wasn't a um he was i would say based on my size versus his size he was taking quite a risk punching me in the face which you have to respect that so i grabbed him uh and i thought about it for a while and then i made him apologize to my friends he He was being shitty to some friends. He was? Yeah, and then he punched me in the face. People are irrational. But so long as you can talk to them, you know. I held him firmly, though. I tried to.

You let him know. Yeah, I was like. You put the Lord in him. Yeah, I put the. They used to have a thing going through the southeast and stuff, and I don't use this kind of terminology, but this was called, this was back in the day, called fag fist fights, right?

And it was gay guys. It was all gay guys running it. And they would put a boxing ring in a bar and gay guys would fight. And you'd bet on them. Would they sort of give you a backstory, sort of like 24, where they would be like, here's why this guy's mad at this guy? Like that court show? Well, just a little clip package like a griffin can't believe like if you watch ufc they give like the here's the beef or they were working on like i think

you just yeah nobody in the bar was listening to what that just assume these guys but that's what's exciting then you pick who you're who you're rooting for yeah if you don't do that then it's just based on their outfits That's a good point Who gives a shit Griffin ate all of Randall's cereal They're gonna figure this out tonight But yeah dude They'd come and people would bet on them And then you could get

You know pictures afterwards and stuff Different times Different times man Different times Would you ever do any road work Any vaudeville type stuff Or do you think the road would kill you? Oh, man.

Vaudeville-type stuff? Like what? Like get out there, be a, you know, carny. Not carny, but high-end carnival. High-end carnival shit? Yeah, like stepping on a bunch of rakes and stuff, and like clown noses, shit like that, little sing-song. I could see you doing that.

In the middle of it. It's a tough road. The road is tough, especially when you're doing that i would imagine when you're doing what you do you're like oh i get to do some stand-up comedy now i love doing it i'm gonna do it tonight uh but yeah no for me like i can't even play the accordion so that would probably be it would be hard for me to justify being out there on the road i would probably lose money being on the road doing yeah you would i think i would definitely lose money and it would be depressing and lonely yeah no i'm not gonna do it would you ever open up for me on the road uh sure wow that'd be cool huh that wouldn't that be hey thank you very much i did you know i would open up for you too dude oh cheers well i don't really do i don't really

but when you put together a stage show dude i could see you having a stage show a musical you know i'm saying that would be fun you know i've i've it's interesting having uh friends now we're friends because we've spent this much time together right again to if you're just tuning in theo and i are establishing our friendship in live podcast form. This is new media as it fucking gets. Truly. Like if you and I, if we like do more stuff, become buds and shit, then people will be like, oh, you can fucking watch them. You can literally watch them become friends in 2018.

Like here's the date and you can watch it now. I do, you know, having buddies like Chris and, you know, Chris and Brian, Bobby Lee, who I've been friends with for a long time. I do a standup is, is such a, it's a much different thing than, than, than what I do and what, what, uh, so many people in the business do. It's such a specific thing, but I will say, you know, it's like, I kind of feel like, you know, I've said this to chris and brian i feel like it's an art form really truly because i'm a fan of of you know the stand-up

that i like to watch or whatever over the years and you know we got porn porn stand-up uh hey um you're like you know i had all the albums and shit oh yeah i had like george carlin and and fucking prior and and the guy the rapist and and um yeah and um you know like gilda live like gilda radner oh i gotta listen to that yeah robert klein and oh yeah yeah you ever hear jerry clower jerry clower no oh you gotta listen to him jerry clower he's one of my favorites okay uh and but i feel like it's an art form under siege especially now because it's experiencing a big resurgence over the past you know handful of years what does siege mean well i feel like here's here's how i feel if you're an actor you still somebody needs to let you do it you know what i mean you have to

get through an audition i mean you can go and make YouTube shit and do whatever, but if you want to be an actor, you have to earn your spot here and there. Actors have to audition all the time or have some sort of momentum or name or whatever. So if you want to start out in acting, you, somebody has to let you do it. If you want to be a musician, you have to have some musical talent or you'll be found out and chewed up right away and i'm literally thinking about in the most rudimentary way like when i was a kid you know you know a lot of kids wouldn't play hockey in my town because their parents didn't want to pay for the fucking equipment wow you know what i'm saying so like like so like you know musician is like you need equipment right you need equipment in comedy

you you just need this microphone which i'm pretty sure is provided you guys don't have to bring yeah they have the mic there usually yeah so if you go to an open mic and it's like so i kind of feel like a lot of the and i'm saying this i'm not saying this as somebody who knows what the fuck i'm saying this purely as an audience member to stand up when I see like total bullshit and then the and this is again my opinion strictly as an audience member and I will draw that line I like to enjoy and just you know not be a comedy head about it but if I go watch stand-up somewhere and someone's fucking just bullshit then the next person is great and then it's like bullshit bullshit great great great bullshit it's like the fuck can we get them out of here and just have this and i feel like there's just the way that stand-up comedy is set up there's there's just too much there's so much fucking

yeah i'm getting super passionate about it but it's true it's true you know i mean and i was a lot of bad stuff man i mean you know and i'm not asking you to get into that because i feel like no it's fine i feel like i can i can maybe i can say it because it's not my bread and butter it's not what i do at all um so far be it for me to like go you know look i've been doing what i do for a really long time so anytime i've done some stage shit like some some stand-up stuff it has to be just like a bit and you know so like you know i used to do a character that we used to do on on the podcast i had with brian and chris on the on the well what kind of guy was it it was a stand like it

was a stand it was basically a stand-up guy like a sick guy like a what like a guy that was sick or something yeah he'd take too many dick pills and his hands were straight he would come out they would just freak people out no that was in west palm beach that happened to me what yeah i think you talked about this earlier on in our friendship about oh yeah 25 minutes ago yeah my bad so um uh so uh no i used to do this guy and we did it on the 10 minute podcast because it was like, oh, here's a funny thing for like something to be. The bit was like, oh, he's a former open miker who is, hey, I'm just going to sit in. You guys do your thing and I'll sit in. And they go, and because we would do bits.

From Schenectady. What? From Schenectady. From Schenectady, right. And this fellow and we just, his name is David Greco. And he was just like this guy, hey, what up? And so they would do their thing and they'd be talking and he would go, hey, what's going on

with that Britney Spears? She shaved her head. It's crazy. And they're like, dude, that happened 10 years ago. Like, shut the fuck up unless you have something good. Okay, that's the bit. So, haha. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do it live. So I did it a few bunch of times and it was kind of fun. But it was always a bit. And I kind of feel like someone like me

has to come into it sideways doing like a bit or else. But that could be worked out, man. What? That could be worked out, man. What do you mean worked out? You could figure that out. You could have somebody playing the straight man on stage, and then you fit.

I would just love to see you on the road taking it to the to the streets oh that's interesting you know i really would in some form i think there's got to be a way because people just love you it seemed like everybody loves you and it seemed like it would be nice if people could see that well that's that's that's cool i'm i that's interesting to hear you say that because i i you know the the the times that i've performed live have been you know they're not stand-upy things you know but i you know, the, the, the times that I've performed live have been, you know, they're not standup-y things, you know, but I, you know, I've done a lot of like mad TV, live audience and live audience sitcoms that I've done and shit and, and this and that, you know, you, you end up doing stuff that is essentially being in front of a crowd going,

hey, maybe, and, and it's like, well, I gotta, you know, I gotta, I gotta read everybody and do this. And, you know, it's essentially, uh, doing standup with a net kind of thing. I've been involved in that sort of shit. And then I've had friends that are like, um, you know, weirdos in comedy that do do some, some weird stuff who, who come from more sketch and scripted, but, but also before that came from a stage came from improv came from putting together a sketch troupe can't come from writing and they go well if you don't want to do that you could do like i have one friend of mine

he's like oh well when i do a live show like i come out and i have like a guy who plays a stand-up bass and it's weird and i i got a song yeah put a package together and yeah dude i remember when i had 15 minutes of comedy i would go to colleges and uh what would i do oh and i would show up the day before i would shoot like a cribs with like the principal of the school or like a fraternity that's funny and i would go to their place and like shoot it all and then edit it together that night so that was like and i would do interviews around campus like you you know i heard you they're allowing guns on campus what do you guys think you know yeah and people one kid ran off when i asked him it like fuck him bro that's you guys think you know yeah and people one kid ran off when i

asked him it like fuck him bro you know so you keep running bro somebody's gonna gun you down but but i would ask him all kinds of stuff funny stuff then i'd make out like you know a 30 minute video then i would do the video and then come out and do whatever little comedy i had and that was the show i mean i think just these days there's so much you can mix up i just think that people would love to see you out there Oh cheers You know you gotta get out and about Well let me ask you this

Why? Why do you need to be out and about? Because You get a natural tan No I'm really I'm curious Yeah get out there People will tell you

If people are listening They'll even tell you To get out there man You know I think you look Like Gerard Butler a little bit People tell you that? That I look like Gerard Butler? Yeah People do tell tell you that? That I look like Gerard Butler? Yeah.

People do tell me that several times a day. Do they really or not? Yeah. That's weird. And he's always in the top 100 on Mad Magazine. So it looks like you have another tier to aim for. I do need to aim for another tier. You're not wrong.

You know, okay, I shouldn't even be saying this on wax, as they say. But, yeah, I was thinking about doing not the old stand-up character that I was doing, but I've been thinking about doing a new stand-up character. Yeah. Like what? Let me see what it's like. Well, see. I'll try it too.

Okay, I'll pitch it. Pitch it at me. You know why I'm going to pitch it? Why? Because A, I'll probably never do it. And B, because I feel like it's not a bad thing now to pull the curtain back a little bit because we're in the internet age pull that bitch back dude nothing is special the whole family's in the bathtub when you pull that curtain back you see the whole family's in the

bathtub yeah that's that's what you hope for when you pull that curtain back you hope to see all of them in a line just like like the stickers on the back of a minivan. Just like all lined up and a dog and a cat. Doing coke, too, a lot of them. Just doing coke. Just a family doing coke behind that bathroom curtain. That's what comedy is, really. Do you think about it? Order me a bag of yams, brother.

Get me some sweet potatoes and a fucking slingshot. It's Christmas. Some kind of fucking self-made. We got to talk about Christmas, too, so do the character, Will. Jesus Christ, dude. All right. I feel like we invited you here to do character. You've just been talking about all kinds of shit for like an hour.

We've been talking about all sorts of nothing. Yeah, dude. I haven't gotten to... Do the fucking character, man. Juggle or something, or I'm calling the cops. My fucking... My fore... Jesus Christ.

My forearms are sweating. Jesus Christ, dude. Look at this, dude. Somebody's going to bake you over the holidays. You got to tighten up. This is wet. Yeah, your fucking arms are wet. My arms are sweating. Jesus Christ, dude. Look at this, dude. Somebody's going to bake you over the holidays. You've got to tighten up. Look at how fucking this is wet. Yeah, your fucking arms are wet. My arms are wet, man.

Are you having a stroke? I don't know. I fucking took some dick pills at the AM, PM. Oh, dude. I figured I was going to get in here. Might as well get some uppers in me. I slept here last night. I was in the fucking aisle.

I had some nigiri. And then this morning, I had a fucking turkey sandwich. I cleaned myself up took a couple of fucking rhinos yeah oh you're ready for the outback anyway here's my character fuck me anyway uh this is literally what i was thinking yeah what if i what if i did stand up uh-huh see this is gonna be the dumbest fucking thing ever well but still just get it out i fucking pitched this to a couple of buddies of mine the other night. I was like, hey, man, you know what might be funny?

Because they know like the old stand-up character. Just tell us. No, I got to drum roll it so it doesn't work. I got to make sure it doesn't work. Okay, okay. I got to fucking just fucking stomp it into the ground first. And I pitched it to them and they went, I don't know. So that's why I just wanted to preface it by saying,

other people who I respect in comedy, one's a writer, one's a director, not stand-up. Never heard of them. Do it, dude. And they went, I don't know. Do the fucking character. Here's the character. What is it, dude?

A chatty, bad Santa? Do the damn character. With sweaty arms? What if you never do the character that just keeps being this what if i just go on stage and pitch a character and never do it yeah this fucking podcast just goes in perpetuity through so do the character dude well there's really no for you there's really um we're gonna be in milwaukee yeah should he fight that guy yeah hey hey here's my here's my bde here's here's my brendan chobb impersonation ready it's just a couple words okay hey dana white that's it it's a three word impersonation i don't know I don't know, B. I don't know. B, listen.

Dana White. That's it. That's my home. I've never done that for him. Yeah. How many countries are there? Look it up, Chin. How many countries are there?

Hey, Chin, how do I spell my name? Look it up if you don't know. PDE. Black Rifle Coffee. We'll see you in Toledo. So here's my character Santa Ana gonna release Some special tickets Where you gonna be at Bri?

Bri Or how about Instead of hey Dana White this is my new Listen Dana White That's pretty good That's a good one That's pretty good. That's a good one. That's my Brian.

And then he took out one of my ribs and fucking cooked it right there. I shucked an arm and get him in a fucking weird choke. B-D- show. BDE. BDE. Hey, Dana White? That's 250 episodes of TFATK in two minutes. You want to see that? There you go.

Let's do it. All 252 episodes of TFATK in two minutes. We just did it. That's pretty good. Okay, that's true. Just edit that up then. We'll package that up. And then they get that little redheaded guy in there, that guy who has who knows what, probably a disease or something.

You're talking about Chito Santino? Yeah, Chito Santino, some guy named after a fucking chip. I didn't watch. Some guy named after somebody that gets dropped off in a van every afternoon and thrown into a machine where people put change in and get you out of. A fucking chip, bro. Get your life together, dude. Get your life together.

With your fucking cousin Fun, you mean your boy fucking Bugles. Jesus Christ. Hey, you fucking cocksucker! You're gonna fall off the thing! Get off the thing, you crazy fuck you! Cocksucker Joey Diaz. That's Joey Diaz. No, that's when Michael Rapp reportsopsucker Joey Diaz. That's Joey Diaz.

No, that's when Michael Rapp reports Instagram. Oh, yeah. That's my impersonator. Fuck it! You listen here, Donald Trump! Die, Dick Sting, Donald! Get off the fucking thing! You're going to drop that dog and get hit by a car!

And then that happens? Yeah. You want to talk to somebody? I'm a white, privileged, white guy, Jewish, Al-Skenazi, rare, silverback Hebrew, and I fucking Porzingis Carmelo Anthony. You fucking Donald Trump. Look at this fucking guy.

He's going to jump through this table and hurt himself. You fucking cocksucker. Oh, he fucking fell. I fucking told you. Here's my character. Okay. No, I don't want the character. Do another one and I'll guess who it is.

I'll do one and you guess who it is. Okay, let's do that instead. I'll do this one. Let me think of one. What world are these people from? Well, we only know about four of the same people. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true. I'm just practicing that. Oh, okay. Okay, hold on. You do one because I don't have any. I would have guessed that that was sorts. I don't know any. Okay.

I mean, I'm quite happy to go, you fucking cocksucker, get out of the street. Now you're going to get splashed with water when the fucking bus drives by. You dumb fuck, you got splashed with water, you cocksucker. Dick Stain Donald, listen. Yeah, yeah, listen.

You dropped out of the fucking Paris Climate Accord, you fucking idiot, you. Listen to Guy McGrone, you fucking dick skin piece of shit. You fucking, you set black unemployment down, you're the whitest mother,

you're fucking whiter than me, Dick Stain Donald. And they look just like each other. We look exactly the same. You're my fucking dad. And I'm fucking angry. Their kids went to the same school. That's what I don't understand. Yeah.

You had your fucking hair straightened because you don't want to look like me? You fucking cocksucker, you. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, Rappaport, it sounds like somebody stuffed that movie Casino into a ginger. That's what it sounds like. It's like, what's going on here?

And also, while we're at it, Spike Lee fucking sucks dick. I'll say that. That dude's had one good movie and a bunch of bad outfits. If he weren't at the front of the Knicks games, nobody would give a fuck about that dude. Yeah, you fucking put my fucking money to sleep, I'll put your fucking brain to sleep.

And just when you're fucking waking up in a fucking hospital, I'll be there to do it again. Because I'm stupid, you cocksucker, you. Why are you talking to him like that he's a straight guy because i'll tell you why it's casino it's casino you went over my fucking head you cocksucker you we should reshoot casino yeah with michael rappaport and i don't know like brian could play Ace could play like Ace Rothschild the fucking and Brendan or Chris could play the Sharon Stone

part it's just rich people yelling at each other man that movie is fucking that's some good rich people yelling at each other one of the finest rich people yelling at each other movies yeah oh yeah alright do one more dude I'll do one dude

let me do your character okay do my character All right, do one more, dude. I'll do one, dude. Okay, go. Let me do your character, all right? Okay, do my character. All right. Oh, hey, guys. My name is Patrick. And I was in a train wreck. Hoo, hoo. Oh, hey, guys.

Snack cart coming through. Hoo i'm trying not to laugh because it's so hot in here that one that's a pretty good one that's patrick i'm gonna pitch this to you because i want to know your fucking god dude i want to go home pitch this fucking thing i thing, guy. I'm actually going to do it. We're supposed to do Christmas shit, man. This whole thing was to be about Christmas. This fucking thing was Christmassy? You got that on? I got a fucking hat that's raising my temperature, but I'm sticking with it?

I'm fucking sweating through fur. I'm fucking sweating through fur, you fucking cocksucker, you. Yeah, where were you when I was playing in the NBA six-on-six celebrity basketball, you piece of shit? Yeah. You couldn't beat Omarosa in a one-on-one, Dick Stained Donald? Dick Stained Donald? You're out here causing all this traffic. I'm fucking rich, and I'm yelling at you.

Nobody showed up to your fucking inauguration. You cocksucker, you. Okay, so here's the character who cares why does michael care so much about it oh well you got to be passionate he's passionate about he is passionate it's a good point but it's like why take it out like take it out on somebody else take it out on the coach of the fucking knicks that guy's been a fucking piece of shit for 20 years well that team's garbage wait a minute you're talking about taking out his political views that he would uh have aimed at trump on the sure it'd be a little more i don't know it'd be interesting yeah just try something different dude that's definitely different uh no he's politically ranting people

do this they get on the internet and they fucking i will say that there's that i love that we live in an age that the internet is still the Wild West, that you can literally get on the internet and call the fucking president whatever the fuck you want, and nobody can do anything about it. People threaten to kill him. Didn't Madonna say that? Yeah, and she didn't even fucking do it. Where are you at, Madonna? Fucking kill him if you want.

Kill somebody. Kill somebody. Kill the coach of the Knicks. You're a senior citizen that's fucking trying to fuck everyone. Yeah, speaking of the Knicks, she fucked half of them, dude. Donna, my God. What if Chris started dating Madonna? That would be a power move.

I wish he would, dude. I wish he would. Because here's the thing. He's got a chance to really hook up with some old senior citizen hotties before they, you know, go to heaven or don't go to heaven. And there's a few out there. Oh, yeah, dude. Jessica Lange.

Yeah, dude. Artie Lange. Artie Lange. You know? Yeah, that's it, I think. Let's see the character. Okay, so here's the character. Okay.

It's essentially, it's me doing stand-up. Okay. Some jokes, you know, write some jokes jokes try to get up there for a few minutes oh yeah definitely then maybe i might even pilfer some of the jokes from the other character yeah maybe that's a specific bit probably-made uh wig i could see it and it's not one of those things where it's like oh why why can't why wouldn't he just we'll just take this stupid wig off and do the jokes well no this character has his own specific point of view on things about i don't know mostly what it is though is me doing stand-up yep slightly different

name and a little short short brown wig i could see that i could see you in the smallest wig ever like like a tiny wig just on the back of my head and i would have a name like pete or maybe philip stanley stanley daniel just something different yeah bunion bunion's a good name bunion cute name comma paul i feel like you would have any name that would be cute for a rabbit would be cute for you. And if I... Muffin, Cotton. Thumper Jenkins. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, one hand smacking against the other makes a wonderful sound for Thumper Jenkins. There he goes. Hey, guys, what's up? I'm Thumper Jenkins. Yeah, and here's Thumper Jenkins, and he's got three tasty yams he's about to fire across this river. And I have a super colorful name, but I just speak very Canadian. jumper jenkins and he's got three tasty yams he's about to fire across what if i just and i just i have like a super colorful name but i don't but i just oh yeah speak very canadian like spunk wilson yeah spunk yeah spunk wilson spunk taste test wilson

old scratch and sniff wilson they called him So I think this would be something that could be interesting. So technically, it wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be doing... Are you going to do any of it for us or not? Or that's it? No, I haven't worked out the rest of it. That's crazy, bro. You told us all that.

Yeah. God dang, dude. I prefer Theo's Philip character. Hit by a train. I feel like I just watched Schindler's List, dude. This is the worst ending. This is like boys on the side or whatever.

Can we go to some of these videos? Jesus Christ. Can we go to some of these videos? Jesus Christ. Quit sweating, bro. Are you really having a stroke? Look at that. Bro, his arms are soaking wet.

Let's get through this. Here's a young guy. It's so fucking hot in here this is it i can't believe we said that bomb this many times the door opened on a wednesday that lawyer is not happy down the hall he just like opened up his door and looked oh there's a while ago look at this guy here we go yeah uh will sasso you little fucking balloon nut. How are you, buddy? Sam Osmond here. Theo, I hope you're doing well. From Australia.

There you go. Will, I wanted to know, when was the time you faked excitement for a Christmas gift? Could be from anyone, family member. Appreciate it. Boys, Merry Christmas to you. I like his Bullet Club t-shirt. I'm going to say that first. What is that?

Bullet Club's a wrestling thing. Currently, the Bullet Club would be Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks, mostly. And the Bullet Club, people have been shot? No, nobody's been shot. Well, it's in Japan. They have a different relationship with guns than we do here. Yeah. The Bullet Club, we got a couple of those guys moved out here.

Now, they're just the club. But when it was back there, it was Prince know prince devitt aj styles guys like that uh christmas gift that i was underwhelmed by faked excitement for faked excitement for yeah i could think of one a hat uh nobody likes getting a fucking hat dude if you get somebody a hat for christmas fuck them well actually my agents used to send me wine they still do on christmas and i wasn't drinking for a while so i'd have to feign excitement but not last christmas because for about a year now you would remember this from earlier in our friendship uh i start i introduced a little red wine not white wine because that's that's, that's sugary poison. Oh, yeah.

White wine. So there's the answer to your question. I would have loved if you had more of a question about the Bullet Club. Do you, what disease do you think would go best with you? If you had to have a unique disease or rare disease? Well, diabetes. Right. But I'm talking about something fancy. Something fancy.

Something high end, you know? What would be a good disease for me? Bell's palsy. I could see you having a soft side of your face. Hoof and mouth. Bell's palsy. I had a friend me? Bell's palsy I could see you having a soft side of your face Hoof and mouth Bell's palsy I had a friend who had Bell's palsy Yeah, I had a friend

I would make him laugh Because it was just so funny to see him go He did like this Jean Chrétien laugh That's some Canadian content for him He's a former prime minister Oh, yeah He had to talk like this And he'd go

I love that, dude He had that Bell's pals, and he'd go, eh, eh, eh. I love that, too. Duh. He had that Bells palsy. He don't even care. Yeah, I got Bells palsy, and it doesn't make a duh. It doesn't make a duh. Literally, that's it. Because Jean-Claude Chen, he talk like this for the Canadian people,

and it doesn't make a duh. Ben, je parle le lui. Doesn't make a dent. Ben, je parlais lui, and it doesn't make a dent. Dude, yeah, everybody in France sounded like they just were coming and then got hit by a fucking bat in the spine, like What are these videos?

Next video, what we got? This one's audio. Hey, this question is for Will Sassel. My name's Matthew from Canada. And I wanted to know, do you know what your favorite urban comedian, Shauna, will be doing for Christmas? She's going to be spending it with you, you know, handing out some AHJs, you know, behind the comedy store, you know, with her eggnog.

So thanks. Appreciate you guys. That's very cool. He's referencing something we used to do on the aforementioned 10-Minute Podcast. Yeah. Another comedian character. Shauna was a woman who was the queen bee of urban comedy, the first lady of keeping it real. Oh, God.

I haven't heard from Shauna in about five or six years. Do you know if you, what happened to the 10 Minute Podcast? Honestly, somebody didn't, somebody, one of you guys wasn't pulling their weight. No, no, actually that was, it was that we were all pulling too much weight. No, really what happened was probably around,

I can't remember, 2014, we started doing it in 2012. then um i mean it was just it got so hard with our schedules because the guys are traveling all the time brian and chris brian's on the west side chris doesn't want to leave his house and so and we were recorded at my place and so it would just it just got harder and harder and then we'd kind of done it. Like we did the shit out of what that is. Right. Um, and then,

so, you know, and, and Brian was doing a fighter and the kid and was like busy all the time. And Chris too, obviously just constantly on the road. So that was it. Yeah,

that was kind of it. And so I was like, I was like, well, why don't we just, you know, not, it was,

you know, it was kind of like, I sort of, you know, it was you know it was kind of like i sort of you know it just got harder and harder to do so and we always said uh to each other that you know we're friends and we're doing this fun thing and as soon as it if it's not working it doesn't matter like we're buddies right and so the fucking podcast with all due respect to the listeners whom i i love we we we couldn't do it so then i was doing it for by myself for a while and then two other buddies of mine joined in and it became a very different thing

yeah with my good pals tommy and chad tommy blotcha and chad colchin who are both very funny right doesn't sound as good though do you think very different yeah and then we tried to diamond the audience down and uh make the jokes all reference themselves and kill our audience we lost thousands of listeners of course because brian and chris left and then we tried to weed it down to where if you weren't listening to all the episodes you'd be completely lost and then recently we gave it to a listener the podcast yeah oh wow that's pretty cool that's quite a giveaway itunes channel all the social media wow that's pretty cool gave it away and then he had to stop doing it because he's a very busy man that's pretty cool man and is there any chance who was that and where is that now the feed who's who's got control of it nobody uh yeah mark evans was a guy he's an editor out of a news editor, a real dude, and does all sorts of shit, works at NBC.

Couldn't do it anymore. Very busy. And is there any chance of a 10-minute podcast coming back? No, I don't think so. I mean, no, no. Has there been any talk of it? No, no. But it's only been since the summer.

It's done, I think. What is this next video from? This is Christmas and wrestling in one. We're at the Chief Engineer of Laughter and Cheer, Cullen Beebe. I'm from Sillsby, Texas. I was just wondering, I know Sasso was a big fan of wrestling. I was just wondering what y'all's thoughts were on when Stone Cold Steve Austin kicked Santa in the nuts and then dropped him in the WWE.

Not sure if you remember that moment. It was pretty awesome. Maybe I'll put a link when I send this video in. I just want to know what y'all's thoughts are on it. Love both of you. And Theo, I voted for you for guest of the week on Fighter and the Kid, even though I'm repping uh repping delia's merch Love y'all free conch man. You can vote for whoever you want. See

You turn that fucking dude. He's wearing delia merch and he fucking voted for you. It was nice of him That's very sweet. Well, I think yeah, i'm not i'm not having really put out there for people to go vote Like I think it's you know, it's the fans of that show So i'm not publicizing like i'm not telling like people go voter it's the listeners if they it's their thing you know it's uh it's their thing it's been an honor to have the strap for a year it's a sweet strap and uh and it's it's a cool thing for you're right their show and it's a wonderful thing to get their listeners involved and anytime i get to do the show i i enjoy their listenership it's a good group of people and they're very engaged.

Now, with all due respect to Brendan and with all due disrespect to Brian Callen. Oh, definitely. I don't give a fuck who wins Person of the Fucking Year or whatever

on their goddamn podcast. Now, again, with all due respect to Brendan, but what do you think of that, Brian? I'm going to ask him personally. I don't give a shit. Yeah. Well, if you don't...

I don't give a fuck. Well, dude, if you don't have a chance to win, you usually don't care. That's what I've noticed. Hey, wait a minute. But I'm just saying... Wait, hold on a second. In all due respect...

No, I think you could win and i think i think it'll be out of you or delete i wouldn't be surprised no no no no this other kid this fucking red lightning whatever that kid's name is fucking cinnamon randy or whatever coming out of nowhere i think acting like he's got a shot that's bizarre yeah i think yeah i think blood benny might have a might have a shot kid's name is dude fucking roy g biff or whatever that dude's name is fuck him jimmy cinnabar get the fuck out of here come on the little fucking clifford the big red fucking creep get the hell out of here dude yeah that guy shows up out of nowhere with a couple of he says he has you know freckles i'm saying you know small herpes yeah and he's acting

like you know he's gonna win it all dude kenneth strawberry get the fuck out of here little fucking marcus raspberry over there little marcus raspberry out here with his fucking gingivitis dude fucking his skin is almost giving out bro a lot of gingers their skin gives out early by 40 you've just been you know if you don't tie your arms to by the side of your body at night, your fucking whole body will fall apart. Gingers are falling apart. He needs some fucking gas station dick pills. He needs some caulking.

Keep his appendages straight. You better caulk that fucking little ginger together, son. He's got a shot. You know what I'm saying? This dude, he don't know how to get a shot. Yeah, fucking Jeffrey Indian Summer. Dude, somebody said, who should be guest of the year? dude you don't know how i get shot yeah fucking uh fucking jeffrey indian summer dude somebody said who should be guest of the year it should be brian callen i thought that was the funniest that's hilarious that's fucking hilarious no you know yeah i think i think chris has got it and

that's not and i'm not and you know i don't say that to disparage you, the current champion, or Chris, the future champion. I'm just saying, fuck Brian. Fuck Brian and his outfit. Yeah, dude. And what kind of clothes? He's also dressing very, very European recently. Yeah, he always wears tight sweaters and shoes that you don't recognize. Yeah, what is that?

Somebody make those? The shoes look like you got them at ikea it's always like he's making them somewhere when i'm 51 i'm gonna look like a fucking homeless alcoholic just based on what i wear now so i better get step my fashion up because a sweaty arm fucking hoodie sweatshirt yeah it's not it's not doing it at 51 no and the cold sweat too very alarming you got to live in a castle too at your size if you're not living in a castle you look like a fucking weirdo you look like a fucking weirdo walking out of an apartment dude i can't walk into a two or three bedroom apartment and you're

living in there dude you better have a moat around you or it's a wrap yeah i got i got some well i got yeah i got a drawbridge but no yeah you better tighten up and get a big you know stick or something or a hatchet or a scepter or some shit. I'd rather be outdoors. It's either castle or outdoors at your size. You can't be running around in a fucking, you know, off of Barrington. You know what I'm saying? I got a wood crown carved from one stump. Oh, definitely.

It's heavy as shit. Yeah. But I live outdoors. And you need to get a bird or something or a strong animal that can also spend time around you. Yes. Yeah, that you can send to fucking like take out wolves and shit like the Mongol mongolians do or to pick up a little bit of pokey across the street yeah that'd be great that would be good to get like a golden eagle that can get some pokey from me from yeah um glendale pokey or i don't live in glendale why hasn't bobby lee changed in 20 years

oh yeah he looks exactly the same yeah he pretty much does he does exactly the same well i think we can uh cool cool well down were these santa glasses yeah yeah maybe this would work for my stand-up character oh wow i liked it dude what if you're a guy that looks like santa but isn't santa my fucking buddy my buddy tommyotcher, the aforementioned Tommy Blotcher, we were talking about, he goes, you know what would be fucking hilarious? Do a Christmas special

and dress up like Santa, but then the voice is just Hulk Hogan and never explain it. Because I think people's brains work like that. Like, oh, here's something I'm familiar with. You know what I mean?

From like the 80s. Yeah. And do like, do Hulk, but then, but you just look like Santa. And not like being funny with the mustache. Just dress like Santa and then just do Hulk Hogan's voice.

Got any more videos or is that it? Merry Christmas? Got any more videos? We should do a Christmas song, I feel like. I don't know which one we should do. You guys sing or we play? Oh, shit. I think we could sing something.

Maybe we'll go back and forth and do some verses What's a good one that we could riff on? Or like Silverbills? Do you know Do They Know It's Christmas? Do they know it's Christmas Isn't that for handicapped people? No, it was Band-Aid It was part of the Live Aid

Bob Geldof's Live Aid, Feed the World People don't know that shit That's my favorite Christmas song That was the beginning of Final Countdown Lofts Live Aid, Feed the World. Nah. People don't know that shit. That's my favorite Christmas song. That was the beginning of Final Countdown. Can we play it and have it, Nick, on this? It will be okay? Or will they shut us down?

I think this will be fine. Oh, that's... This is the karaoke version? Yeah, sing. But you don't know the tune. I can hear the tune in these headphones. It's going to be a fucking train wreck. And it's also 12 minutes long And in a world of plenty

Yeah you're right Okay pick something else Let's do just a little bit of improv On one of these And we'll shut it down Cause it's the holidays you know This is Christmas for people This will be on a Christmas morning

Yeah Some people yeah Again Nah Everyone Speaking of the 10 minute podcast We used to do Christmas stuff all the time. You sing songs around Christmas, and people end up, they would tell me, we played that on Christmas around the family.

Some family will be watching this. Some Silent Night. Yeah. Silent Night, boy. This is Silver Bells by the London Symphony Orchestra. Oh, this is a good one. You like this one? Yeah. Okay. Are they going to have the Orchestra. Oh, this is a good one. You like this one? Yeah.

Okay. Are they going to have the lyrics? No, they aren't. Oh, but do one with the lyrics, like karaoke lyrics. Silver Bells. There we go. There we go. Oh, this looks good, huh?

Traditional. I've got to go to therapy in a minute. Guys, it's a key of F and a key change to G later. You wanna start? You start. City sidewalks, you cocksucker! Busy sidewalks, you fuck! Dressed in holiday style, you motherfucker, you!

In the air, there's a feeling of Christmas! Dick Stain Donald, you fuck you! There's a feeling of Christmas. Dick Stain Donald, you fuck you. Children laughing, people passing. After smile. And on every street corner, you hear. Silver bells, you cocksucker!

BDE. Silver bells, you... Fuck you, Dick Sting! I got stony health hands. In the city! Look out for the fucking taxi cab! It's right in front of you! You stupid cocksucker, you! Oh, I'm a ginger.

I don't even know anything. You ding-a-ling, dick-stained Donald! You didn't go to the fucking Paris Accord or the fucking Climate Change Accord. You fucking pulled out of that and you tell the fucking UN where to stick it? You dick-stained Donald, you! Tell them where you're gonna be

at, Bri. Well, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin at the... Hey, get there... Almost sold out. I'm going to release some of my special tickets. Black Rite for coffee. BDE. Look at my shoes.

I'm fucking crazy. Hit a Snow Crunch. See the kids. Bunch this. This is Santa's big scene, you cocksucker, you. Fuck you! That was great. Silver bells.

Silver bells. It's Christmas time in the city, you fuck you! You fuck! You motherfucker. Hey. Ring-a-ling. Hear them ring. Soon it'll be Christmas Day. You're gonna fall off the table, you fat bastard. Ivanka's fine

as fuck, bro. Look at this fucking kid. He's trying to jump through the fucking table and do a fucking shotgun of fucking beer. Are you fucking crazy? Yeah, I'm Tony Henscliff, and I weighed 11 pounds. Couldn't make a dent. That was lovely.

That was the... That was pretty good, man. That was the... We did the T-Fat K Guest of the Year Christmas Carol. And was that Dolly Parton? Who was that? That's a beautiful song. I am sure Dolly covered it.

I know. Dude, I want to learn more about that character sometime, if you feel like ever telling me about it. Oh, please, man. I might just hit you up and call you at like 2 or 3 in the morning and add some layers to it and just go, hey, Theo, Theo. I was thinking instead of like a short brown wig, what a like a sandy brown.

Like sort of, or maybe some gray sides because I got some gray in my beard. What do you think? Just get back to me. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking so hot. And it's not even hot. That's the crazy part. From the North Pole,

this is the last podcast, Will the Stroke Sasso. It's too hot. That's what they say. He can't even feel one of his arms and he hears a choo-choo train coming dude those are some warning signs i think yeah uh do you smell bacon i smell i'm smelling like or and i hear sizzling and i smell something meaty is that a bad sign oh yeah oh uh merry christmas from uh all of us. From Nick. Merry Christmas. Gianni. Merry Christmas.

That's Gianni's in the background. He's an intern, unpaid intern. And there's Will. Look at that on those sex pills breaking the car. Ah, fuck. I'm fucking, I'm all right. All right. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Please bleed. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Will Sasser ladies and gentlemen Silver bells Silver bells Ring a ring Ring the bell Hear the breeze Soon it will be Christmas day

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi. Sweetheart. Here's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. Hi. I'll take a quarter

pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.