This Past Weekend - Cinnamon Wilson | This Past Weekend #147

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

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stuff. Calzans. Salads. Salads. Gourmet. Pizzas. Greyzons. Salads. Salads. Gourmet. Pizzas. Grey Block Pizza. 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach. Grey Block. Get that heater. Happy November. Happy November to you

and wherever you are. And I'm so grateful you're here. I'm here. We out here. You know, we're in this little this little Dirty Daddy Royal Rumble. We out here. You know, we're in this little dirty daddy royal rumble. We out here tickling each other's tummies. You feel me? We're out here just being, you know, we a couple of the most wildest little clams in the chowder. You feel me?

Take care. Brush your hair. Let's get into it. I'm just sitting on your front porch Wondering how could I be so far from my home And my mind is somewhere else But when I find it I'll patch up where it's been There you go. Get your mind. Get your mind.

Now I'm just floating on the breeze. And I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be. Cornerstone. Come on. We're here. We can do it. But when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

I found I can feel it In my bones Come on But it's gonna take A little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself on my Shine that light on me

I'll sit and tell you my story Shine that light on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you. Where are you at right now? What are you doing? What are you wearing? Are you wearing a shirt that you like, I hope? That's one thing sometimes for me. Dude, if I leave the house in a shirt that I don't like, I'm not going to be real tickled about that. If you see me somewhere and I look grumpy, then I probably have on a shirt that I don't like. me somewhere and I look grumpy, then I probably have on a shirt that I don't like.

You know, my mom's, you know, one time when I was growing up, my mom got a batch of real small shirts and I don't know where she got them from. I don't know if, you know, somebody was selling, you know, boxes of really small shirts or whatever and she got a deal on that because she she used to spend time sometimes with some, you know, miscellaneous gentleman here and there who was getting deals on stuff. You know, she dated a black Jewish guy when I was young. So, you know, she'd show up at the house with a box of, you know, a box of, you know, one-size-fits-all neck braces and shit like that every now and then. And we would play in the house,

you know, play, you know, we'd play handicap at the house and, you know, put on different neck braces and, you know, wheel each other around and do courthouse and all of that. And, you know, just being children, you know, being young children. And, and one time my mom got these shirts and, and I think probably for a year and and a half they had four different colors in the box. They had orange. They had blue. Like a blue you've never even seen anymore. Like, you know, they used to have a lot more different blues.

You know, a long time ago they had a lot more. Now they have maybe seven different blues. Royal blue. I think midnight blue. British blue. They got that. The British always want to do their thing. French blue.

That blue that says it's going to be there for you and then it's not there for you it never helps you out or shows up and they got like three other blues but this was a blue that they don't have anymore this was kind of it was like powder blue kind of but uh but a little like if somebody saw you in it they couldn't tell if maybe you worked at the hospital or if you were like a newborn baby. It was kind of one of those things. So I guess it was like a medical blue. You know, it kind of seemed like a blue.

Maybe you'd only put like a newborn baby in like a baby, you know, a baby blue for a boy. If somebody gave birth to a boy or it would be, you know, like the scrub, something like that. So we had that. They had orange, blue. They had pink, like not pink, but like purple, and green, like a dark green. I think they were black, but it said dark green on them. So that's one of the problems sometimes with dark green. Somebody's like, oh, these are, you know, you'll buy 600 or 700 dark green shirts,

but really they're just black shirts. And now you're wearing black shirts and you're thinking, you know, that your eyes don't work good. And that shit always, that's, I don't like it when, you know, companies do that to you. When they say, oh, you know, you got this box of dark green hitters right here. And really they're just black hitters. And you're walking around in a black shirt and telling people it's dark green then all your friends think you're crazy and you don't know any better because you can't you think your eyes are bad because somebody lied to you one of these fancy companies lied to you but yeah my mom got some bad shirts some

small shirts and so for a I remember for a while growing up wearing those real real small small shirts and I think you know I know you know anxiety is something different for everybody but sometimes I think when I was young that's one of the things that gave me anxiety was wearing I mean these were t-shirts that were before really almost just real athletic babies. If they had a baby that could, you know, that was going to wear a lot of different shirts, then those would have been for him. Because my mom got a box of bad shirts. But anyhow, man, I hope that this November is fitting you comfortably.

Because we're getting into a nice time of year. You know, I remember when I was young being, you know, November, you get outside and you can feel, you know, just feeling the cool air on your cheeks. And it felt like a, just like a man, like a, not a man, I guess like, yeah, like a man with like a cold tongue was just kind of licking your cheeks a little bit and that's Mr. Winter you know that's Father Winter or whatever they call him you know Chris not Chris Kringle but you know that's winter time and winter time would come along and it would just you know it's fun around those times

and we had a turtleneck at our house too. My mom had a turtleneck she wore for business meetings or something. Sometimes we would get a hold of that bitch, boy. When I was young, there was nothing more fun than wearing mom's turtleneck because you didn't have a shirt like that. When you're a kid, that turtleneck, that's like a third sleeve. You could do whatever you want. You could put your arm out the top put your neck out the side and then your other arm out the

other one you could do whatever you want you you know you you got that bitch you you know you got the arm coming out the right hole you got the uh you know other arm coming out the left hole and then you got your other arm going out the the turtle hole. So you wearing that bitch. You look like a crossing guard. That fucking. You know. That's in really in some developmental type of clothing. And I love that man.

When my mom. You know. Because I would do the laundry. We had different chores when I was growing up. To do the laundry. And that was one of mine. You know. My mom made us do that when we

were real real young and we had to do it you know we had to help out you know do the bathroom clean the bathroom you know everybody had different chores and uh and and i remember sometimes with the laundry i would do mom's laundry and i would get the, and I'd get that turtleneck, boy, and I'd put that bitch on. Man, you could do all kinds of, it was just more of an adventurous shirt than other regular shirts. I remember a turtleneck was really, you know, it was like kind of, it was like the choose your own adventure of shirts. Because a turtleneck, you could pop out a different, you know, you could pop out the top, you could pop out of a sleeve,

you know, you could do whatever you wanted. And I grew up in a neighborhood where a lot of people look like shit. So it's like if we wore stuff that was not really, like if you showed up, dude, if you got off of our school bus at the school and you look like shit dude you fit right in bro because our bus they it brought in everybody you know out from my street man off of mcgee street bro brought in all the wild cats you know head lice boy we had

that head lice we showed up with the head lice. People want to start bitching, then everybody going to start itching. Because we had that. I mean, they had head lice in our neighborhood. There was, it was, you could turf wars, bro. You'd feel, sometimes you'd get two strands of head lice in your hair at night, and you couldn't sleep. Them bitches was battling it out. You know, it was it was like s.e hinton or it was like um you know one of these uh step it up like that movie step it up where they everybody's trying to outdance each other and that was the

kind of thing you could feel in your scalp um if you got you know a couple different strands of head lice at the same time. And we called them Italians, head lice, because they showed up in groups and they bothered you. But I love this time of year, man, and I hope you love it. And I'm happy to be here with you guys. I'm a little tired, but you know I'm always a little tired these days. And that's just been life, and that's just been life and that's okay. I think I'm, I don't know if I'm tired, but I'm also kind of gratefully, you know, restful in some ways. I'm just, you know,

I guess I'm a little bit gratefully exhausted maybe at certain, in certain ways. Man, I got back from Utah. I got back from Utah. And I want to apologize. I didn't do the meet and greet last night after the Saturday shows. Nobody cared, really, I don't think. I mean, some people might have cared. I was just trying to, you know, I've been having a lot of like just anxiety and anxious energy. And it's been hard for me to, you know, when I get back to do the podcast, sometimes it's tough.

You know, because I just feel, you know, just a lot of stress, I think. And I don't know what some of the stress comes from, I guess. But I guess, honestly, you know, sometimes I feel, you know, I feel like just more responsibility. I don't know. I mean, look, it's different when people start coming to see the show and people are excited. And, you know, it's just a new thing. You know, it's a new thing in my life. And I've talked about this a little bit before and I was thinking about it today. You know, but I'm used to,

I'm used to being that, having that underdog kind of thing. You know, I'm used to feeling like an underdog where, you know, feeling like nobody cares. And so, you know, that's a comfortable place for me to be at because it always gives me like a, um, a place to come from. You know, my whole life I've always felt like I came from a place where I felt like nobody cared. And some of that might have been true. And some of that was that something was off with me where I couldn't feel. I couldn't feel when somebody did care. But now it's like people are coming out and they're supportive of, of the work and I'm doing good work, man. Look, I'll show up. I put on a good show. I promise you, you know, there's a lot

of things in my life I've done poorly, but show up and, you know, and share, you know, share these stories and, and make people laugh and feel good and have fun. I'm doing that. I am doing that. And I'm not going to let you down in that department. But it's just been different when people come out and it's just kind of scary. Like when I've always felt like the underdog, when I've always felt like nobody cared and to now be in a place where it feels like people do care, you know, it takes some, I don't know. It's like, let me think if I can explain this better.

It makes me just wonder, well, who, if I'm not the underdog, you know, how does this fit on me? You know, I don't know how to be kind of in that way in a little bit. I don't know how to be kind of in that way a little bit I don't know how to be like I don't know my heart wants to say grateful I don't know how to be

I mean I know I am grateful I just, I know I am grateful. I just don't know how, like, I guess I feel like no matter how much I say thank you to people, that they're not going to believe me. You know, like, I don't know, something, maybe people, no matter how much I say, thank you, people aren't going to believe me. Like, like people would never like believe that I'm grateful

or something. I don't know. I'm trying to figure some of that out. You know, I'm trying to talk and feel at the same time. Um, but, but I had a great time and, you know, you know, people came out and it was nice. Some husbands and wives. A whole family came out. And this family, I'll tell you this. This family, they must have been probably about nine feet tall. Or seven to nine feet. And they came out and they were all laughing.

And the dad was out there. And he had something on his cheek like a little bit of mustard or something. Because they'd been eating. You know, families like to eat together. And they had fun, man. I almost wiped that mustard off his cheek and put it in my own freaking face hole. I almost put it right in my own condiment hole right there and ate that little dab right off of that daddy's, you know, right off that daddy's cheeky cheeky. You know, I was just feeling the love.

I was feeling caught up in it. And we had, man, it was just all the shows were sold out and people came out. And it was great. It was a great time. Somebody gave me a nice gift. It's behind me. It says Onward on it. And it's got a V at the front.

And he made this himself. And this is Rawlings. Is this man's Rawlings Sporting Woods. And this man named Lance Rawlings. And it's, you can look him up, RawlingsSportingWoods.com. And he makes these really cool wooden pieces. And somebody else brought me out their WWF title belt. I don't know.

This guy was holding it up the whole show. He was keyed up, and he was fired up. I mean, it was awesome. So he gave me that strap. So now this man gave me a strap. So I got two straps here. I got my own fighter and the kid belt, and I have this one that this man gave me.

What else? So I went to the Mormon,, and I have this one that this man gave me. What else? Oh, I went to the Mormon, went and checked out the Mormon Tabernacle and looked around there. Beautiful campus. If you get to go to Salt Lake City, you know, one of the special things they have there is Mormons. And Mormons, they are, you know, they're gentle people. I mean, Mormons are gentle. Have you ever seen a sheep? Have you ever seen a sheep? You ever seen a sheep when it's being real, real nice?

You ever seen a sheep and it's being just super nice? Like you see a sheep and you're like, damn, that sheep is being fucking nice. That's Mormons. They're friendly men. You can marry anybody. You know, we're walking through the scenery there, through the campus down there and on Temple Avenue in downtown Salt Lake City. And they got weddings going on

everywhere. They had 11 weddings going on. Dude, you could pick somebody up and pick a rose off a thing and tickle a preacher for two seconds. And next thing you know, you're hitched to whoever you're holding on to. I mean, everywhere you turned around, there was just, you were in a wedding. You were walking in a procession or into a, you know, you were catching a bouquet. Dude, I probably, you know, I probably caught six bouquets for about 48 yards. It was stunning. Just a lot of love. There's a lot of love in that group.

You know, definitely people start looking a little bit similar because you don't do a lot of love. There's a lot of love in that group. You know, definitely people start looking a little bit similar. Because you don't do a lot of genetics. You know, if you're not incorporating too much extra genetics every now and then, then people start looking a little bit similar. But damn, it was a beautiful community. Beautiful community. And so it was nice, man. It was nice to just see, you know, community walk around um just friendly people they had a man out there he was you know selling

different spices and stuff he had his own little spice cart this little older guy reminded me when i was growing up actually they had this dude my dad knew named Cinnamon Wilson. And this guy, I hadn't thought about this guy forever. When I was a child, Cinnamon Wilson was this dude. He would let us kind of like, I guess, lick a little bit of cinnamon out of his hand. Because we didn't always have cinnamon. Now, you know, I'm living in a different world these days. I got cinnamon at the house.

But when I was young, we didn't have as much cinnamon as we wanted. And cinnamon now, kids are screwing around. They're doing cinnamon challenges, and they're hiding cinnamon between their buttocks and stuff like that and staring into the sun and just doing wild, you know their buttocks and stuff like that and and staring into the sun and just doing wild you know unnecessary tricks but when i was young you didn't get cinnamon all the time you had you didn't have as many flavors you had orange grape you know peppermint you could get that anywhere but cinnamon that was a special flavor and my dad's buddy cinnamon wilson bruh or

mr wilson but we called him Cinnamon Wilson. He put a little bit of cinnamon in his hand. I guess he would maybe wet his hand or something, either, you know, lick it or cry into it a little bit. And then he would put some cinnamon in there. And he'd hold the cinnamon down by us. While he was talking to my dad, he let us lick it out of his hand. And he was gentle, you know. He had those big, soft senior citizen hands.

You know, because my dad at that time, my dad was probably 75 years old. So all of my dad's friends were 75. And man, if you were licking cinnamon off of his hand, it felt, I mean, it almost was like a cake. Sometimes you almost wanted to just bite right into his damn hand meat, was like a cake. Sometimes you almost wanted to just bite right into his damn hand meat, like it was a coffee cake or something. And he'd be real chill about it. And he wasn't a pervert or anything like that. He wasn't, you know, he wasn't, you know, you didn't see his pants, you know, expounding in the front or any, you know, he wasn't touching your hair, trying to steal a little, you know, cut part of your hair off and keep it at his house or anything wicked. cut part of your hair off and keep it at his house or anything wicked.

He was just, he liked giving things to people, I guess. And he was a bird trainer too, and he also had birds all the time. So he was used to feeding you something out of his hand. So he, you know, sometimes you fuck up, he'd reach in his pocket, and next thing you know, you got a mouth full of, you got a mouth full of bird seed. You like fuck i thought i was getting you know some of that tasty sweet powder that cinnamon baby because cinnamon was when i was young cinnamon was brand new now cinnamon's old hat now they got all kind of new stuff. Kratom and these kids are on, you know, what else?

Jinko, Belobe, all of that. You know, what else are kids doing nowadays? Tangerine. They didn't have that shit when I was young. When I was young, we had more, you know, cinnamon was a new, something brand new. So if you saw Mr. Wilson and he fucking hit you with that low palm, you know, cinnamon was a new, something brand new. So if you saw Mr. Wilson and he fucking hit you with that low palm, you know, hand down with a little. You'd go over there and just get you a couple of fucking tongue whips of that cinnamon. And then the other kids would see you get it.

My brothers and sisters would see me get it and they'd want to get a little hit of it. So it was pretty fun. It was like a fun game. But he was a bird trainer and he would see me get it, and they'd want to get a little hit of it. So it was pretty fun. It was like a fun game. But he was a bird trainer, and he would train birds, you know. And he, well, I guess he didn't train them really, but he would like feed them and just look at them for a long time, you know. But some people call him training. And he ate a lot of bird eggs, too. That's one thing about the man when I look back on him. Because he passed now.

He's with Christ or whomever he favors. But he'd have all kind of... I'll say this. He was doing stuff he shouldn't have been doing with the bird eggs. Because he'll have a damn nightingale omelet. Like, what the hell is that? I think you're not supposed to have that. And you go over there and he'd have a damn duck omelet. Like, what the hell is that? I don't think I think, you know, not supposed to have that. And you go over there and he'd have a damn duck omelet. Like, what the fuck?

Because I grew up where I'm from. You just have chicken omelets in Vietnam and some places like that. They got the you know, they have the Balut duck eggs. They got all those fear factor snacks and stuff like that. That fear factor breakfast buffet. They got all those fear factor snacks and stuff like that, that fear factor breakfast buffet. People out there drinking fucking, you know, quarts and quarts of rhinoceros salmon. But I don't, we wasn't drinking big animal semen in our area. When I was growing up, we had regular shit. But he would have, that's one thing in hindsight he shouldn't have been doing probably with some of those birds is harvesting their eggs and making, you know, unique or extracurricular style omelets.

Because you'd see that dude, he'd be having a fucking, you know, tomato and sparrow omelet. You're like, what the fuck is that? He's over there really harvesting. But man, we had a good time in Utah. Thank you to the people that came out. I do, you know, I don't know if I apologize for not doing the meet and greet on Saturday. I was just, honestly, I was just exhausted and I just needed to kind of do some things to take care of myself. So I wasn't trying to be selfish, but you know, I don't know, man man I'm just still kind of learning what it's like to have people

come out and to you know a lot of this kind of stuff is I don't know it's like being in a new relationship or something I don't know I can't explain it and maybe I'm overthinking it in some ways but a lot of good people

come out to these shows I can't explain that to you enough. I've been doing this comedy for 15 years. And over the time, I've had some fucking jackrabbits and damn. Dude, one time I remember being in Toledo. And they had like an arsonist recovery group. And I'm all about recovery. You know that.

12 steps. I'm on 144 steps, man. I need to just constantly be on the staircase. But these boys, these was some arsonists. You know, them fucking, you know, just a bunch of damn candle zorros. I mean, they'll fucking light a candle and just, you know,

burn down a damn dog house or something. And I respect them and a candle and just, you know, burn down a damn dog house or something. And I respect them and stuff, but, you know, that's the kind of people that were out there getting free tickets. People that's used to burning down hospitals, you know, arsonists, people that does arson. You know, the kind of guy who lights a cigarette and that ain't enough. Then next thing you know, he's like, oh, he'll hold that lighter against the side of a damn federal building for an hour and a half. So, but to have people that are really coming out in that, you know, in that care and it's just exciting. And it's an excitement that in some ways I'm just getting used to. And then it's a lot, you know, you get, it's a lot and it's new.

And I hadn't been taking that good of care of myself. I've been trying to do more working out and staying athletic and getting my blood going just to keep my brain in a more comfortable place. Because I guess I just feel like some more responsibility and stuff these days. But I'm grateful to the people that came out. If I didn't get to meet you, then we'll do it next time. And thank you guys very much in utah what else i have dc and lexington coming up uh and then we got a we do there's a bunch of new dates for the spring and i'm so excited um i think late spring is looking like i'm going to jump across the pond, maybe in both directions for Australia and the UK. So that should be good stuff.

As always, you can hit the hotline to be a part of the show. And that number is 985-664-9503. Ian, I'm happy to be home, man. You know, I had a nice time, though, in Salt Lake City. It's a beautiful city. And you need skin moisturizer, though, in Salt Lake City. If you're going to Salt Lake City and you don't have any moisturizer, you might not make it.

Dude, I woke up in the morning. I'm scratching and itching. I'm bleeding. You know, my elbows and stuff, everything's dry. My mind feels, you know, my mouth tastes like I may be, you know, like old Cinnamon Wilson hit me with about nine handfuls while I was sleeping. I'm dried out. I thought a damn scorpion was going to just crawl out of one side of my mouth. Because I was just, you know, it's dry.

So I say, if you go up there, take extra water. You know, the airport should let you bring water to Utah because you need it. Take extra water, moisturizer. Fuck, I don't care if you buy a couple of damn bags of plasma off the, you know, off the black web or whatever. But show up because that shit you'll be dried out do you you show up it'll be you show you have a ninth birthday party in in salt lake city and by the time it's over you'll look about 35 dude that's you get the moisture dude moisture is God's buttercream.

And he put it into us because he wants us to stay frothy. And they're not doing that very well in Utah. But a beautiful place. I went to go visit my buddy Josh Kelly. And he's a musician. And I used to work as a tour manager for him. One of my first jobs was tour managing for Mr. Joshua Kelly. And he's had some good hits over the years.

And he comes from a very talented family. And he has a farm up there. And they got pigs and little, you know, goats. And they got foster children. I'm not counting those as animals. They're beautiful. He's got two beautiful little foster girls. And it just really lifted my heart up in a lot of ways. in their arms and their lives and their hearts and their wallets, you know, to help, you know, to help some young children.

And one of his foster children is from Louisiana. And I hope I'm not talking outside of shop or outside of school here. But, you know, it's kind of special, you know, for me, just being from Louisiana, it's just kind of a special thing. So we went over there and petted the animals by his house they got donkeys and they got some fainting you know whatever those are little fainting javelinas or something they had Christmas bells on and dude it's beautiful I know that you know I don't you know I've seen some animals I've seen an animal get hit by lightning I've seen a Doberman jump out the back of a damn Nissan truck,

doing about 80 on the interstate, and he did it by himself. That Doberman, he didn't want to be alive, I guess. But I've never seen, you know, they have one of these, you know, these javelinas, they got these jingle bells on them for the holidays, and then they're like fainters. So if they get spooked or something, they faint. They hit the ground. And it's almost like musical chairs.

You know, you're excited to hear the music from the jingle bells. And then they faint out and hit the ground. So pretty cool to see them have these dropping like that. But we had some great calls that came in. I'm going to get to a couple of them. and thank you guys so much for coming out in in um in utah and happy early holidays this is a good time you know this is a good time to you know stretch your arms out wide and then wrap them around somebody else this that's that hugging season. Because people are cold. And a hug, that's like a

little scarf. You know, when you show up with somebody, when you hug them, you put them in that soft scarf. You know, you do that in the summertime, you're kind of a pervert. You're a creep. You know, you're a toucher. You know, but you do

that in the wintertime, boy, you're just fucking giving them that full front body cinnamon Wilson, you're a toucher. You know, but you do that in the wintertime. Boy, you just fucking giving them that full front body cinnamon Wilson. You feel me? Just people want to get that mad if they're cold and you hug them. Go hug somebody that's cold. Watch them smile. Let's get to a couple calls that came in, man. Thank you guys so much. As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.

We had a great time with our single mom came out. I want to thank Justin and Roman and I'm forgetting his name right now. Justin and Roman and one other lovely gentleman who came out and filmed and recorded our single mom voluntarily. You know, voluntarily, man, and just really, man, just so kind. And it was a hurt, you know, and I was like, you know, I got there like 10 minutes late. Typical date, you know, typical man date. You know, I'm showing up a few minutes late, or me, typical me. So I get there, and we took the lady out to the California's

Pizza Kitchen. And they got other stuff. They say pizza, but they got salads. You know it. And what else? We went to an escape room and played a game. She came out and brought her sister out. A mother of three. And Breezy. That's her name. This girl straight Breezy, you know. And that shit was, you know, category four. Wins, baby. She, you know, she was definitely breezing past everybody.

You know, she tickled your nickel if you, you know, you'd feel her go by. She's really quite a current of a woman and a beautiful young mother of three. And we went out and had a nice time. And those guys volunteered their time. And they went and planned ahead. And, you know, it's a great time of year to do that, to fill other people's hearts with your time and your ability. And they just reminded me of that. They reminded me of... It's funny, even if I'm somewhere helping out,

I'm somewhere taking the mom out, I don't always feel like I'm doing something for some reason. But those guys, man, they showed up and, you know, capturing the audio and video. And it was, man, it was fun. It was really, really fun. I'll put a picture of us up on the Instagrams so you can see it.

But let's get to a couple calls that came in. As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503. We got some really, really great ones. People calling in about, you know, helping out with Nutvember. People staying on their grind and staying off their little meat, you know, meat shooter and trying not to do touch touch at the house, you know, trying not to fucking

feed cinnamon to their Wilson, you feel me? As always, I want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. And look, there's a lot of things I wouldn't eat. Well, is that true? Actually, I just fucking admitted that I've eaten cinnamon out of a man's hand that my dad barely knew. But there's a company called HelloFresh. And this past weekend is supported in part by HelloFresh. And it's a great service if you want to spend time with your children or your spouse in the kitchen. Leave your phones out in the living room or lock them out in the car something or in the van if y'all got a van or something or hide them in the garage um

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at least he could, you know, this is like, you know, anybody that's got a C average can make this stuff. They have three plans to choose from, classic, veggie, and family. Each box. They send you the box, man, classic veggie and family. Each box. They send you the box, man. It's a nice, nice box. They got, fuck, you could use the box for other stuff if you want. You know, get a little animal and put it under there.

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And I promise you, it is fun, man. I'm not joking. This is a real joy, especially this time of year. Slow it down. Do something with your loved ones. Go into the year with a built-up bank of just worth and value and esteem. And I know I'm putting a lot on HelloFresh, but I like it. For $20 off your first three boxes, which is a total of $60 off, visit hellofresh.com slash T-H-E-O 6-0 and enter promo code T-H-E-O 6-0. That's hellofresh.com slash Theo,

number six, number zero. Code Theo, number six, number zero. For a total of $60 off. Okay, let's get into a couple calls here. We got this one right here. Oh, man, what's up, Theo? This is Chris calling from Long Island, New York. This is my... Chris, Long Island, Strong Island, baby.

And I don't know why they call it Long Island. I mean, it's probably, you know, well, I'm an idiot. Probably long and feels kind of lonesome like I do sometimes. Onward. I called for the podcast. I don't think it would be interesting. I just wanted to let you know, I just listened to the Nutvember podcast from last weekend at the end. Yep, and I'm going on right now. Let me see. I got about six days of that juicy, juicy in me right now. You know, if you hear something kind of,

if when I'm talking you hear a little bit of gurgle in the back of my throat, that's my chi building up. Because I'm nutted up. You know? I got that, I got that Simmons stack starting to build in the back of me. That's what I'm saying. We can do that. You can hold on to your newt.

Hold the line. V at nut. This is our V at nut. Onward. You said this is your most selfish podcast. The whole time I listened to this podcast, I was thinking this is his best ever, most helpful podcast. Just useful, funny.

Just your heart came across in that one. And I just couldn't let it go. At the end, you thought it was so selfish, but I know it wasn't. I just know it wasn't. So I'm just calling to let you know I appreciate you. I'm getting emotional. I appreciate you a lot. Just keep doing everything you do in the same way.

Thanks, man. Onward, sorry. All right. You're not going to call back, but my phone number is ******. And just you're doing great. You're the best, man. Thanks. Yeah, thanks for calling, man.

I appreciate the message. I, yeah, I don't know calling, man. I appreciate the message. I, uh... Yeah, I don't know why, man. I think I've just been feeling really strange recently. I've just been feeling like... I don't know. I've just been feeling like not that good, to be honest with you. You know, I've just been feeling like...

I don't know, like no matter what I do, like it's not enough, you know. And I don't know why I feel that way sometimes. And I'm kind of tired. Honestly, man, I'm kind of tired of it. You know, I'm tired of feeling that way. And I don't know if it's because like we live in like a time now where it like makes you feel like you have to always be doing stuff or you know maybe i'm getting older and i'm starting to just think about like you know just what the vow like you know what's important i don't know but i appreciate you saying that that's nice of you man you know what

let me get this header right here this is the free we live in 2018 I can call people back Let me see what I can do oh hey chris yes hey what up man this is theo oh no way what's up brother how you doing oh man i'm doing good man i was just listening to your message man i thought it was real real nice of you dude i just wanted to call and say thanks i meant that full hold that was such a great man. I thought it was real, real nice of you, dude. I just wanted to call and say thanks. Oh, man. I meant that. That was such a great podcast. When you said it was selfish at the end, I said, oh, no. I never felt like calling, but I said I had to just say it.

I had to tell you. Well, I appreciate it, man. For one, it's nice to hear a New York accent, dude. It makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life, you know? It makes me feel like I'm caught up into something, you know, like I'm caught up into the underworld of like, you know, some type of mafia style in my brain, you know? Well, I don't know if it's exactly like that, but you definitely, I got a bunch of friends I turned on to you and we all really appreciate it. But I really, you know, I go through some similar struggles and I'm trying to get sober myself.

And as far as the math, it almost sounds embarrassing to say, but I relate to it. Like I relate to all of it and I get straight from it and I just appreciate it so much. I really appreciate you so much, brother. Well, thanks, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I don't know why I just feel like that sometimes, man.

I guess I just feel, yeah, I don't know. It's like I'll do a episode or something and then I just feel like, I don't know, like I just didn't, I don't know, like I just didn't, I don't know, I don't know, I've just been feeling, I think, really strange, like not being able to, like, feel, like, of use or of value, you know? Really? Really? Yeah.

Man, just, but I don't, I guess I could understand it, but it's hard for me to believe it because I feel like you must be getting so much love back right now. You must be, no, Theo? Yeah, no, I get a lot of people that send nice messages, send nice DMs. People come out to the show and say nice stuff. I don't know what it is, man. I was listening to your voicemail, and it just kind of hit me. I was listening to your voicemail, and it just kind of hit me.

I was like, man, then I don't know why I don't have, like, a healthy view of, like, just whatever's going on in my own world, you know? Yeah, yeah, but, man, that makes a lot of sense to me because I've been a teacher. I've been a public school teacher for 11 years, and I get the most beautiful letters written to me by my students about how much I've affected them and helped them and touched them and they learn from me. But yet in my own personal life, I'm still all fucked up in my head and I still can't do the things I want to do. And like, I got two daughters and I know I'm a good dad, but yet still I can't get out of my own way when it comes to my own health

and just being okay with me fully. Yeah. I guess it's just, I guess it's not just everything you get back. I guess it's hard to explain that like it's a practice we gotta keep working on it maybe yeah I don't know even while you're saying that

it's got me kind of thinking about it that's so wild that we can't yeah it's like we won't give ourselves I guess it's like I'm scared to feel good about myself cause it's like I don't know if I just don't know. What if I start feeling good about myself?

Am I going to feel too good about myself? Am I going to become a bad person? I don't know. I don't know. It's like you're full of doubt, just full of doubt. You're just not sure. I don't want to put words into your mouth, but it sounds like you're just, like, doubtful. Just not, I don't know.

Yeah, like, I don't deserve to feel, like, I don't know if it's I don't deserve to feel good, but, like, if somebody, I don't know. I don't know, man. This is interesting. That's why when I heard this, I was like, oh, God. And you left your number. I was like, I'm going to freaking call this dude back. Yeah, I almost didn't want to leave it because I thought maybe then you'd say, ah, he just called because he wanted them to call back. But no, I thought I was hoping to maybe, I don't know, I just left the number and you called it, so it worked out.

I'm keeping you on the line too long. You just wanted to call to say you appreciated it. So I appreciate you calling me, Theo. Thank you so much. Yeah, you bet, man. Thanks so much, dude. And this is my number. You have it.

If you need something, hit me up. If I can give you some suggestions or something about the cast, you know, uh, but yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know what that is.

I think I, you know, maybe it's something I need to just think about more talking to like a therapist or friends about just, yeah. Why? Just like, um,

is it, you really feel like, uh, you're not doing the right thing or what is it? I just feel like just, yeah, just disconnected or I just feel, I What is it? I just feel like, yeah, just disconnected or I just feel, I don't know.

I feel like I... From what everyone says, LA is a hard place to really connect with people on that level, I guess. I don't know. Is that part of it? Yeah. No, it definitely is. It's not like... Yeah, you don't have a lot of connective conversations and stuff out here. Right.

I don't know. I don't know what it is. Maybe I just need to go to more meetings and just kind of listen to. You know, I don't know what it is. Maybe I just need to go to more meetings and just kind of like listen to others, you know, or something. I don't know what it is. But yeah, man, I appreciate the call, man. It was really nice of you, dude. It was like the nicest thing I got.

So thank you. Theo, thank you. Keep doing you. I wish you the best of luck and all my love and just thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah, you bet, brother.

Have a good day, man. Happy early holidays. You too, Theo. Good night, man. Cheers, brother. Wow brother. Have a good day, man. Happy early holidays. You too, Theo. Good night, man. Cheers, brother. Wow, that was nice of him, man. You know, just nice of him to say that. You know, I'm going to listen back to his call one more time here so I can get another vibe for it.

Chris calling from Long Island, New York. This is not a call for the podcast. I don't think it would be interesting. I just wanted to let you know, I just listened to the Nutvember podcast from last week. And at the end, you said this is your most selfish podcast. And the whole time I listened to this podcast, I was thinking this is his best ever, most helpful podcast. Just useful, funny. Just your heart came across in that one. Yeah, I don't know why I've just been feeling so self. I don't know why I've just been feeling so selfish.

I don't know why I've been feeling selfish. I don't know what that is inside of me. I just feel selfish, man. Honestly, I just feel kind of like this is going to seem crazy, man. I just feel like ashamed of myself for some reason. I don't know why. I think maybe just... I don't know.

I think part of me feels like I don't have all the tools to know if I'm not going to fail myself. Yeah, I don't know why I don't know why I just feel I just feel like I'm not I'm not looking for people to say you're doing a good job I'm trying to just feel my feelings I'm not afraid of my feelings in fact

I wish I had more feelings because then I know what's going on with me. You know, when I don't have any feelings, I think that's some of what's been going on. I just haven't been having a lot of feelings. And so then I get scared, you know. Because like, you know, ever since I got into like AA and started doing sobriety and that, I started having a lot more feelings. And some of them for the first time in my whole life. So I started, for the first time in my life, I felt like a living person. Because before that, all my feelings were just in my head.

All my feelings were just strong thoughts and understanding of moments. And I'd seen moments on television. So I knew how to act in all of these moments and stuff. And I was present and I cared, but I just didn't, I couldn't feel that good. And then I got into AA and I could just feel better. Or I could feel it all. And I think maybe I've just been having going to enough meetings or like, I don't know.

I think just a lot going on. And a lot's been going on in my life. It's been just a different experience. It's been a different experience. Going from being the chip on your shoulder, feeling like the underdog. And then I guess I just worry that if I start to be not the underdog or start to be successful, then I'm just going to alienate the person. I'm going to alienate the kid who I always felt that nobody cared about, if that makes any sense.

Suddenly, if I start to live in this place in my life where more people care, then I'm letting go of the kid that I've always, or the person I've always been, who I felt, you know, growing up and stuff was just somebody that nobody cared about. I think something like that. There's something to do with that.

I don't know. But I don't even know. I don't know. I'm not trying to make everybody you know I'm not trying to like have a Debbie Downer type of day or anything like that man

I'm not I'm not sad you know I'm just you know I'm just trying to monitor you know what's going on with me

and how I feel and it's just been a little bit different and I've always only known kind of one way to be you know and it's hard to, yeah, it's weird. It's like, I don't want to hear people tell me that I'm good at something. You know, I don't want to hear that. Like, I don't want to hear it like at a deep level. Like I can hear it up here in my ears. Yeah, I can hear it. I can

say, thank you. I'm glad you had fun, you know. But I think at a deep level, I don't want to hear people. You know, I'm not mad at people that say nice things. That's not what I'm saying. That's just like at a deeper level, if I hear that, I don't know. I don't know. At a deeper level, if I hear somebody tell me that, you know, I just think somewhere inside of me, I always wanted to hear that, you know, even though I didn't even know that I needed to hear it. somebody who loved me to tell me that they that I was doing a good job

and that I was okay and that I was just a good kid, that I was okay. Even if I sometimes wasn't doing good, that I was okay. And I think now as an adult having people be excited and having people say you're good at this. It's just like a new skin. And I'm grateful. But it's like an emotional kind of learning curve and stuff.

And I'm not trying to sound like egomaniac or anything, man. Look, we may never sell, I may never sell, we may never sell another ticket to a comedy show. And I'll be back just fucking, you know, telling riddles to fucking arsonists. You know, one dude was throwing

lit matches on the stage. What, bro? What are you doing, dude? But, but yeah, anyway, so that's just, I don't know. But anyway, Chris, that's why I feel sometimes, I guess. I don't know. I've got to go to more meetings, I think, and just get more dialed in.

But anyway, I didn't mean to get in a weird space. I'm so grateful for this opportunity to come home and have this here, to talk and to listen, you know, and I thought it was nice of Chris to call and leave that message, you know. I think we live in a different age these days where it's okay, you know, young men need a lot of help. You know, young men need a lot of help, you know. You know, there's this attack, there's this, I do feel sometimes like it's not an away from, um, you know,

having, having some, you know, helping our men to learn and to grow emotionally. And, and, um, and I'm part of the problem.

I'm a victim of all of that. I think I'm not like a victim. Like, whoa, is me like I need to put a damn tourniquet or something or, you know, bum one of those fucking neck braces as one size fits all. Even though I have more, dude, I used to wear a children's medium even up to last year because my neck has always been real

short and I've always had like kind of that shorter neck and I've wanted more of a medium's neck. And I would wear children's medium neck brace to kind of get that extra fucking quarter inch. You know, at night I would lay there and keep it on for about eight minutes. Because you're not supposed to keep one for longer than eight minutes if you're not, you know, that's not doctor recommended. Anyway, let's take another call, man. Onward. Hey, dude.

I just want to call and apologize, bro. I went to your show last night. I went by myself, got a little nervous. I had some drinks, too, and I started hooting and ho, got a little nervous and had some drinks too and I started hooting and hollering a little too much up front, dude. And I feel bad. I feel real bad, honestly. So I just want to call

and apologize, man. I hope you don't hold it against me and I fucking love the shit out of you, man. Great show. And yeah, man. Keep doing what you're doing. I appreciate the apology man um yeah i forgive you bro you know i appreciate it uh i you know i don't handle those things sometimes super great sometimes i do okay but my thing is you know and i understand yeah you know you're excited and you

you know people have too many drinks and then you don't even know then you just work in freelance for vodka you know suddenly you're employed by even know. Then you just work in freelance for vodka. Suddenly you're employed by vodka, and you clocked in for work. But it's just tough sometimes if the show, because I want everybody to enjoy it. Some comedians, they work real hard on the art and putting it out there, and we just want it to be a fun experience. I don't mind people being a part of the show.

I just don't want them to try and make the show about them. Because, yeah, I mean, because of the show, because I don't feel like the show is about me. Like, I feel like it's the show. You know, I'm not up there the whole time, like, look at me. I'm up there thinking, let's make it fun. Let's, you know, this is how we're going to do it. This is what, you know, let's make it a joyous time.

And so that's what happens sometimes when somebody gets, you know, when you clock in and you're working for, you know, whatever you're drinking over there. If you're drinking, sometime a lady, I seen this lady the other night, she had a little, one of those long straws that you know or one of them could have been a damn hospital bag she might have been a registered assistant or something or you know one of them plasma jockeys or one of those ladies that comes in at night and they stealing plasma out of senior citizens and that shit's happening all over over there in some of these different communities the Hasidic community I think they caught somebody doing it in uh where else I think um over in Haiti and they got people

popping in it's you know they siphoning plasma out of somebody's step-uncle or whatever but um yeah but this lady had one of those things going into her purse, she's fucking sipping on some secret sauce right there, out of a damn, you know, Pierre Cardigan, or whatever the damn, you know, purse brand is, these ladies are, you know, uh, what are the, you know, I don't know what it's called, Bed Bath and Briefcase, whatever ladies are carrying things around in, she's sipping out of that hitter right there, so, yeah, just, you know, I don't know what it's called bed bath and briefcase whatever ladies are carrying things around you She's sipping out of that hitter right there. So yeah, just you know, I want you to I want everybody to have fun And I don't fucking it's your life

Here's what I say. I appreciate your apology man. It's nice of you to call Let's take another call Here we go Yellow video. This is a game from Las Vegas Oh, here we go. Yo, this is Gabe from Las Vegas. What's up from Las Vegas, boy? And that's the devil's butthole.

Beautiful people out there, though, dude. Beautiful people out there in the desert. Las Vegas, everything is just a strip, but they got a lot of real serious, good people out there. You know, a lot of Latinos, a lot of white people with sunburn. You know, they got a lot of people out there raising dogs, a lot of animal rescue, the one dude died, that fucking titty maverick, whatever his name is, was, you know, Captain Luau, you know, Luau Pacino, or whatever that guy was, the desert, you know, posse captain, anyway, onward. I'm calling in about Sydney from Monday's podcast. She said she was having issues with her boyfriend watching porn behind her back.

Oh, yeah. And let's, real quick, we're going to go back to the Nutvember podcast episode last week. For a couple seconds, you can listen to her call. and she can listen to her call, and she was having issues, sexual issues and sensual activity issues with her and her man because of pornography. This is Sydney in Oklahoma. I did find out not too long ago that my boyfriend had been watching porn behind my back.

He does know that I am against it for my own personal reasons. Okay, so your boyfriend was watching the pornography behind your back, and that's really a fun place to watch it, I'll be honest. But they make it feel more secretive. So you heard that, and let's pop back into your call now. Thank you for calling. Onward. And I just want to give a little tip.

You can probably dabble in the film making a little bit send them some naughty photos videos something to uh to get his mind off the pornography to replace the pornography and honestly it doesn't even have to be any new videos most guys do just fine with like now you send a video of cutting some watermelon in a bra, maybe some strawberries, you know, that's more than enough for most guys. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. And that's a nice idea right there. You know, and I think if a woman is to do this or a man is to do this, if you're dating a man and you're a man and you prefer to accompany a man, you know, you like that longer,

you feel me? Then what I'm saying is if you want to send some nudity of yourself, that's kind of yes. Especially if your spouse or your partner or whatever has a problem, if they're suffering, and that's what she was saying. Her call, she's saying that she believes that the pornography has affected their sensual activities. You know, playing really close game of freeze tag. You know what I'm saying?

You're it. You're it. You feel me? Sexual. Doing full sexual. And so, yeah, maybe that's one thing you could do. Do some real naughty things, and here's another tip. If you're going to send some nudities of yourself,

don't send your face in them. If you're a man or woman, I don't care what you're sending. Ladies, don't send your face. It's not that, just to protect yourself. You don't have to do that. Some ladies, they'll be naked. They'll send you that nudie

and they'll have like a makeup on or have a hat on. You don't need that. Just the body. Because the man especially, they're thinking at that point sexual. Or maybe I'm just thinking that and maybe that's my problem. You know, and that's one of the side effects of pornography that's really negative is and I'll say this for myself and I know this for a fact, you start to think of sex in like frames. You know, you start to think of sex in the same way that it's shot in the

videos like okay i've seen someone i meet them okay now we're in bed now we're in this lewd position and i'm envisioning this you know this little crotch area or something and i'm in you know i'm seeing the titties out there some are seeing the balls if you're doing the wild you know if you're out there you know boar hunting or whatever chasing men but but they you know, if you're out there, you know, boar hunting or whatever, chasing men. But they, you know, and then next thing you know, I see this and then this. It's just you think of sex in frames, in specific moments, more than you think of it as one big buffet. You think of it as, okay, here's a side item, there's a side item, there's a side item, there's a side item. First, the side item, we walk into your place.

The second side item, we lay down, we look at each other's booties or whatever. The third side item, we're doing oral copulation or something, doing the lippy sticky or whatever. And then the third, the last one doing full sexual. And then you got, and then that's it. And then everybody busts out at the end. And then next thing you know, it's, you know, you know, you chilling, man.

That's it. You know, that's it. Aftermath, rendezvous, that's it. You know, that's it. Aftermath, rendezvous, that's it. M&M. But what you don't realize is the buffet of sex is a bigger thing. It's more you over here, you're looking at this, you're touching, you're holding hands. You know, you're looking, they got dirty silverware, you're asking for clean silverware. You're seeing the different types of lettuce. You're seeing they got black olives, they got dirty silverware, you asking for clean silverware. You seeing the different types of lettuce, you seeing they got black olive, they got red olives. You know, they got

some bruised strawberries over here. They got this, they got the legs, feet, butt, cheeks, hair. You seeing everything, it's a fuller picture. And pornography kills that full picture and it just cuts it up into scenes. And so that's my problem that I have sometimes. I've noticed for myself anyway. It's just view. Because then you start to view that experience with a woman just in still images and moments. And sex and still images and moments.

And okay, I need to see this. I need to see this. I need to see this. And then everybody needs to do full bustule and that's life but that's not it that is a program that runs through us because pornography is dirty because that's dark arts that's dark arts central pornography I mean the devil must might as well just be damn, you know, might as well just have put his brain right into a damn flat, you know, into a computer and uploaded it right into your life.

But here's what I'll say this, is this, that, oh shit, what was I talking about? Oh, ladies, if you're gonna send nudes, yeah, you can do it. Now, you can send some pornography to your man and I think now I love this idea the end idea let's play it again to get his mind off the pornography to replace the pornography

and honestly it doesn't even have to be any nude videos most guys do just fine with like you know you send a video of cutting some watermelon in a bra, maybe some strawberries, you know, that's more than enough for most guys. Now, yeah, I agree. You can do something romantic. You could be, you know, shooting an arrow or something off the roof or something and maybe you're in a skirt or you could do, you know, I do like this idea of reframing what pornography is. Maybe you're wearing a little, you know, a security guard outfit or something with, you know, it's assless or something.

They got like an assless security guard outfit and you running down, you know, chasing a fake criminal or doing, I don't like the knife and the vegetables. I can't get hard around a knife. So if I see a knife, I'm not getting erect. But that's me. But some guys, you know, maybe if your husband is, you know, he's from New Jersey or he's part Native American or whatever, he can handle it. I can't handle that. You know, broken glass and knives.

No dicky dicky for daddy. But a lot of men can handle that. But I love this idea of reframe. So, because then here's what's going to happen if a lady tells you that, okay, I'm going to send you some pornography. Now you know that, A, she's trying to work with you on this problem that you have. If you have a problem, this is only for men that have problems. I'm not saying every man have problems. But a good way to reframe it, yeah, is if your lady wants to send you something.

Maybe she's just doing math. Maybe she's doing math and she have a wife beater on. And they got the breasts open areas. They got rips over the breasts. Or they got, you know, maybe she's eating soup and she got some, you know, and she got a little buddy over there painting her toenails or something. She got a gay friend at the house painting her toenails and she's having some soup. You know, or if you like a man, if you prefer, you know, a sex man,

then what you can have then is maybe your man, he's butt naked and he's chasing a, he's got a little dachshund or a Bichon or something. And he's taking that bitch for a walk or something. He's taking that beautiful little lovely creature for a snack or something. And he's fully nude or he's wearing a cooking apron and one of those neck braces or something and he's fully nude or he's wearing like a um a cooking apron and one of those neck braces or something there's definitely new ways to say hey this is what pornography is now let's make it new and exciting i like that idea thank you for that call um let's take another call that was in response to um to cindy from last week onward hi this is jalen from virginia i'm actually calling in to respond to syd Oklahoma, who was talking about her boyfriend and how she doesn't like him watching porn.

Yep, we got that call. And thank you for your call. Onward. if the reason for you not liking him watching porn is because you don't like the idea of him lusting after other women, maybe instead of making him stop watching porn, maybe you guys can make porn together. Maybe send him a couple of nude pics or shoot a video or record a video of you two making love so when he does masturbate it's um he's doing it to you and he's celebrating your body and and celebrating the love that you two make that's a nice thought man that beautiful. That's like the hallmark pornography channel. This guy just sent us in and that makes me feel good.

Yeah, do something. Make a pornography together. Make it a thing you do together somehow. You know one thing that would be neat about that? If you did that in a unique way, you're going to take a lot of the power out of that pornography for him. Because one of the things about pornography where it

really hurts men is it becomes something we do by ourself. It becomes this kind of like hidden act. People ain't watching pornography out there during a soccer game. You're not watching pornography at a fiesta at a Carl's Jr.

Actually, you might at a Carl's Jr. I don't know if you've ever been to a Carl's Jr. at night, but some of the lights don't work inside and people are lonely eating big sandwiches. I've always said that. That Carl's Jr. is really a mecca for lonely men and big sandwiches. But, what was I talking about? Oh, so if you want to do pornography together, yeah, you're going to take a lot of that power. If you do something with your man together and make it together, ladies, instead of ostracizing your man, you're going to make it really, really healthy for him.

You're going to have a chance to make it a new experience for him. And the truth is, man, what we all need in a lot of ways is a new experience with something. Because, man, when you're a man and you've been masturbating for, you know, 13 years, 9 years. That's a lot of sexual energy that you've just been using by yourself. And you're at home. You got the windows closed usually unless you're Jamaican or something. I mean, a Jamaican person, they bust out with the damn windows open. They'll fire that right out in the air.

A damn seagull will come by and just, you know. That's lunch. And that's the lunch bunch. But most people, they close the blinds. It's a lonely thing you do. It's a lonely thing you do. It's something you do by yourself. It's lonesome.

It's lonesome activity. It's not an exciting. I mean, it's fun when you're busting and looking. But outside of that, the side effects of it are, and the practice of it is you do it by yourself it's secret if you do it by yourself so then it feels like this but for a woman to then say hey well let's see what if we do this together ask your man why do you like this make him really think about it

let him know you're not going to judge him if he answers in an uncomfortable or strange way think about it. Let him know you're not going to judge him if he answers in an uncomfortable or strange way. And then I think, you know, there could be some progress in that area. And I feel bad that women have to deal with this, you know, and that men probably are starting to have to deal with it too. We don't even realize. And some people might think, Theo, you're crazy talking about pornography this much, man. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, we don't know the long-term side effects that this is having on humanity, but I guarantee you they are not decent, decent. Let's hear another call. Onward. What's up, Theo? My name is Grady. I'm calling in regards to this woman, Cindy, that called in on the last podcast and was asking questions about her boyfriend and how she can help him.

Yep, that's Cindy, all right. Onward. She's struggling with always looking at pornography. guy and I'm that peaky guy you know I'm five days full right now ba-ba beat sheep have you any wool yes sir yes sir five days full onward I said a book recommendation I really wanted to be able to offer it's this book I'm reading that's called unwanted by Jay Stringer and it's a book about sexual brokenness. He's a Christian, but I bet even people that aren't Christians would get a lot out of this book.

Okay, that's Unwanted by Jay Stringer. And we'll put the link to that below. We don't work for that book. I have not heard of that book, but I support the fact that this man called in and recommended it to him about sexual brokenness. Yeah, and look. This is a tough thing.

And look, that's the thing. It's going on now. You know, it's Nutvember. And so people are trying to stay off that bust. And I'm one of those people. You know, I'm one of those people. Because I want to have those feelings. I want to have that sexual comfort. You know, that, you know. And one of those people because I want to have those feelings I want to have that sexual comfort

you know that you know and be that crazy guy you know I want to be that Horace Grant for a lady you know I want to be in the paint doing work I don't want to be always on the outside just BJ Armstrong and in the distance you feel me

I want to be that HGZ I want to have the goggles on and be doing work against the boards, baby. And those are some old Chicago Bulls references. What else is going on? What have I been thinking about? Oh, they have this trail of, not a trail. They have a tribe, I guess you would say, maybe of Hondurans, allegedly coming towards the U.S. border.

I was thinking about this a lot because this is, you know, this is like a new thing that, you know, the media really blasts out and uses as like a scare tactic and a thing, you know, but it's also a real thing that there are real people who are experiencing some sort of trauma or something in their country, and they have left their country and are caravanning towards the U.S. And it makes me think a lot about illegal aliens or immigrants, people coming to the U.S. When I checked out, my father came here legally from Nicaragua in 1922, I believe. People have come legally and illegally over the years. We know that. I love the idea of having a very legal system for people to get into the country.

I love this. I thought about this could be a neat idea. That, look, I'm all about strengthening up the borders. So you know who's coming in. It's just not safe to not know who is around. You know, it's like a roll call I wish every year we did a roll call where we just where everybody had to go next door

their exact next neighbor and find out who in the fuck they were and do a book report on their neighbor because we don't know you can't keep you can't run a good company

if you don't know the inventory. You can't do it. And here's what I thought though. A lot of the issues are are we mistreating people? Are people being mistreated? There's so many great people in America, in the world. I was thinking part of the program for having elite people who are not already legal citizens of the U.S., part of the program could be that you can sign up to help someone. You can sign up to foster a family.

Okay, I can help two Honduran people can stay at my place for this much time. They can stay here for this much time. I can help for this. They can stay and work with me doing, I feel like there would be a really great program of people that want to help and then people that need help. Because that's really what you're dealing with. But I think that then you would have an exact account of what's going on. You'd have somebody to help somebody get acclimated into what it's like to be in America

or what it's like to live in a new place. And then you solve a lot of that problem. Because otherwise, we don't know what it's like for people living right on the border. And suddenly people are in their yards and they're starving and scared or thirsty. We don't know what that's like if we're not right there. I just feel like we could have a smarter program overall to help people come in. What do I know, though? You know, what do I know?

I'm just thinking out loud. All right, let's get to another call. 985-664-9503. Hey, CL, this is your boy Chad in Iowa. Hey, Chad in Iowa. And you know, I love Iowa. You know, my heart has been, I've been getting these ideas in my brain and in my heart over the past couple months to do a comedy tour. You know, nowhere is, you know, my nowhere might be, you know, might be your somewhere.

You know, your everything. But I'm trying to think about how, you know, doing a rural comedy tour. And I mean just getting out there. Boy, someplace you could fucking smell the bacon, you know? Some people, a place where if you see somebody eating a couple of, you know, you see somebody having that nightingale egg omelet, you don't look at them sideways. Let's take more, homework.

Not too many of us. I was just listening to the responses to your pee problem. You're shrinking violet there. Oh, yeah, and he's talking about when I was having urinary troubles in Phoenix. When I was at the urinal and couldn't get that faucet to pop let's go uh the first i was glad to hear somebody call with the mathematical thing that is absolutely true that part of your brain that controls math also for some reason controls your p your urethra or whatever i don't get it it's biology but that is absolutely true dude you don't even have to go through the tables.

Just go, what's 67 times 3? And even the idea of thinking of that, you're going to be pissing before you know it. Just make up some number. What's 273 plus 9? Yeah, you're pissing. And there you go. And he's saying,

a caller had called in and suggested to me that I do math when I'm at the urinal. And apparently that's a real thing then. That if you just start doing math, this gentleman from Iowa is saying that if you do math, that part of your brain that does math also runs the urinary, the urethra. So there you go. You know what I'm saying? If you divide it, they will piss is what I'm saying.

And that's full Iowa. I'm talking Dyersville, baby. I'm talking Dyersville. All right. But so there you go. Try the math. If you are having trouble at the urinal, you know, other guys around you are grunting and pissing and doing all kinds of stuff, juggling. They're doing it right.

They're making fire, and you're really standing there just struggling to get your match to flare. Do math. All right, let's take another call that came in. Onward. Hey, Theo. This is Josh from Sacramento, California. Josh from Sacramento, baby. Sactown. That's the Diaz brothers' country, son. I think, from Sacramento, California. Josh from Sacramento, baby. Sactown.

That's the Diaz brothers' country, son. I think, oh, that's Stockton. Sacramento, though. We're home of missing, dude, everybody in Sacramento looks like a missing person, bro. Beautiful place, man. Also, who dat? Shout out to my Saints. I forgot about that.

Yeah, man, I love the New Orleans Saints. Onward. I just want to say thanks. I love the New Orleans Saints. Onward. I just want to say thanks. I love the podcast. I think every week you always bring something new, something fresh, something funny for all us gang gang members out here. Gang gang, papa. I just finished listening to the episode in November. Wanted to say I think it's awesome that you created a space for all us dudes who have struggled with, you know,

blowing loads into our hands and stuff. Ooh, he said it right out like that, man. He said it making that little, you know, that sweet cream like Big Richard used to say he was making back there. And he was a guy who was a convicted pedophile in my area when I was growing up, Big Richard. Homer? On the frequent, I think it's great that you created space for us so we can help kind of overcome those things together.

I'm a recovering nut blower, I guess you could say. Oh, yeah. You out there fucking blasting pecans, huh, daddy? Not in the oral sexual way, but in the masturbation. It's okay, man. Look, hey, bud, if you want to suck a guy off,

you can do it. You know, it's 2018, man. You can almost, I mean, dude, legally, they just made it legal. You can date a second cousin, first cousin. There's genetic crossover. You know, you're going to be double dribbling.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You're going to have a baby that can do the three-legged race by himself. But if you want to date a second cousin, man, or polish them off with the insides of your face, you can do it. Let's hear more. Sense of the term. And just want to say there's hope out there, guys. You just got to stick to it.

The best thing that helped me get over that was competition. I saw a documentary where a fighter wouldn't masturbate before his fight. And he would always win. There you go. So if you're out there, if you're not winning right now and you're just out there blowing yourself out every night, come on. Man, there's just more to be done. There's more to be done. But thank you for that call.

All right, let's take one more call here, man. Onward. Hey, Theo. all right all right let's take one more call here man uh onward hey theo so to start this off i'm not sure if this is a great question for you personally and i don't mean that in a bad way look i don't take that in a bad way at all man i'm just happy that you called thank you i'm just not sure if you have a lot of experience with this so it might be more of a topic or question for your listeners. So I'm 18. I've been dating this girl for the past six years. Okay, so you started dating when you were 12, onward? We've been together since seventh grade. You know, recently she went off to college, and things have been kind of weird since then, and I think she's getting to the point now

where she wants to break up. You know, I just kind of wanted your advice. And I think she's getting to the point now where she wants to break up. And, you know, I just kind of wanted your advice on that. I mean, she's helped me through addiction. She's helped me through my parents' divorce, depression, you name it, she's been there. And, you know, like I said, I think she wants to break up now. And I was really hoping that, you know, Thanksgiving break is coming up. And I was hoping that she she wants to break up now. And I was really hoping that Thanksgiving break is coming up, and I was hoping that she would want to spend that time together and try to work things out more. I'm not sure if that's going to happen. So, you know, man, I just love her and I'm really scared of what's going to happen, I guess.

So my questions are how do people deal with a long-distance relationship? And then also, if it does come down to breaking up, how do people deal with such a big breakup? Because, you know, for me, it's almost a third of my life that we've been together. She's just always been there. She means absolutely everything to me. See, I don't know, man. I'm sorry if this is a little confusing. It's kind of hard to keep a thought.

Yeah, any advice that you can give would be awesome. Same with your listeners. Excuse me there. Thank you for the call, man. I think this was, you know, this is exactly what I wanted to, you know, I'm glad you called. Yeah, because I don't want you having to just think about this stuff by yourself and get too swarmed up. Man, I can relate to this.

You know, I had an experience when I was in, right when I got out of, when I got into, you know, right around that high school college time, I was dating a girl. And it was long distance. And she, you know, she was ready to really kind of explore the world in a lot of ways and meet new people. And, you know, sometimes as young men, we put a lot of that on, like, you know, for me anyway, I put, I just, all I could think about was her having, hooking up with other guys, her hooking up with other guys, but really, the truth was, she just needed to kind of be free, you know, and I was heartbroken, man, I was just heartbroken, and I remember I laid in a street in my neighborhood, it wasn't even my neighborhood. I just laid in the street somewhere and I was smoking menthol cigarettes,

you know, because they had a lot of brothers around me blowing out all the time. And I was, you know, doing menthols and I wanted to just, you know, and they were a lot of the, at the time, a lot of black men were struggling in America. So I just wanted to just emulate any struggle, you know. I just wanted to just, you know, every hit I took off of that menthol cigarette, I just, that was my amistad. You know, I just wanted to just, I don't know, I wanted to burn my insides up. Because she wanted to move on and I wanted to kind of stay. I wanted to stay where everything was. And the truth was, I mean, yeah, I was really in love with her at the time,

but also I was just afraid of change. You know, I was so scared of change. But it sounds like, man, you know, this is somebody you've really cared about. And you said that she was there for some really important times in your life. cared about and you said that she was there for some really important times in your life and sometimes you know someone's in our life for a certain amount of time for just for really important things you know and it's kind of great that you've had her for these moments you know she sounds like a neat person i don't even know her but i can just feel it you know in the bass in the baritones in the you know, in the back strap of your vocals, I can hear it.

In the rear instruments, you know, I can hear that she's probably a decent person. And here's the thing, man. You're going to have other chances with her. It's going to be hard, though. It's going to be hard. You have to stay busy. Your mind is going to be your worst enemy if you really start to miss her.

You know, and you're not less than because she wants, she's just at a moment in her life where that's going to happen. You know, there's a setting free of this, you know, there's this freedom that comes when someone goes off to college and that mindset and

you have to find yourself now. You have to find yourself now. You have to find out who you are somewhat separate from her. And it's going to take effort, man. I hate to tell you that because I know it's probably going to be hard sometimes to stay motivated or stay moving if you get those thoughts in your head

that she doesn't care, she's not thinking about you, or she's dating or doing other things. But you can do it. You can make better choices than just laying in the street and smoking cigarettes. If I could go back in time, I'd have spent more time with my friends. I would have used that time to try and be brave and even just go on dates. But there's a great chance.

It's hard to see this when you're young. And I'm not preaching at you. But it's hard to see how many more opportunities you may have to date or to be in love. Or to have an experience with someone that you met when you were younger. Yeah, but it sounds like, man, you guys have something really special. Six years, you've only been alive for 18. And for six years, you guys have had each other in your lives. That's a long time.

And maybe something that can help is to kind of pray for her. And I'm not saying that in a Christian way. But just to think about her and wish the best for her. My father used to pray for his enemies all the time. And eventually, even though they never knew it, he cared about them because there's something inside of us where if we kind of wish for something

or hope for something enough or pray for something enough to do well, then we start to want to, we kind of support it instead of dislike it, you know. so just praying for her to be happy and you know and eventually her being happy could could bring her back your way well you have another opportunity and look man i'll tell you this i was in love with a girl and she came back around years later. And dude, I'm glad we didn't end up together.

She's a great girl, but years later she wasn't the same. You know, the girl you love right now, 10 years from now, she could be doing gambling. You know, she could be stealing. She could be real, real chatty. You don't want to be a lifelong listener, brother. You end up with a real chatty Kathy, and they have a couple, you know, some cinnamon certs, or they have some Skittles or something. It's hard to listen to all of it. So you don't want, you know, you don't know who she is really yet.

And this is a chance for you. This is going to be a really good chance for you. Uh, so I would just, I would think and try and wish the best for her, even when there's moments you don't want to, you know, man, I want her to do well. I want her to be happy. I want her to have new experiences and learn and, and find, have some joy in her life. You know, and, uh, I think that can help you. You do that for a couple weeks, man, it could help you get through some of that because then you're going to be more supporting.

Part of you is going to want to support her instead of not want to because we have this thing inside of us. If we cheer for something, even if we hate it, eventually we'll start to kind of actually want it to do well. Then that's such a much better place to be for us. Because now instead of the feelings of hating something or disliking an experience, now we're cheering it on.

But also those are just my thoughts, man. And what do I know? You know, I'm just a struggling man in his 30s that's you know only got five days off of his own ball bag so who knows but i do know that i'm grateful to be back here from utah today and i'm happy to be here with you guys and to be part of this past weekend and have this experience and uh and that's it man know, we can get out of here. We can go off in our week. The holidays are coming up.

It's going to come so fast. Because it's two weeks until Thanksgiving. Or something like that. Or two days or something. Start it now. Don't wait. Wish happy holidays right fucking now, boy. I'll start wishing people that shit right after Mardi Gras.

Dude, I'll be at a funeral right after Mardi. I'll be at a funeral in June and be like, happy holidays, you know. I'll be hanging mistletoe up outside of at a damn wake. You know, that's where I'm at. So it's a great time. Don't let anybody make you feel bad for being in the season, for having that feeling. Don't let anybody, you know,

look at you being joyous and make you feel ashamed of any of your joy. Keep your chestnuts off the open fire. Some of you guys, I don't know how many people have been busting out down there,

but hold the line. You know, you can do it. And be good to yourselves, man. Because you probably deserve it. And I'm going to try to be good to myself, you know. We can do it. We can do it. Let's head out with this song, actually.

I just thought of this one. I love this song. And this is... Let's head out with this song. Here we go. We got this. Come on. Come on.

Take care of yourselves. Hug somebody, baby. Hit somebody with that hand. I'm making it. I'm making wrong feel right. Hit somebody with that. I'm making it. Hit somebody. I'm making good times. Hit somebody with that handful of cinnamon. You feel me?

You want to be in love with somebody, let somebody eat cinnamon out of the palm of your hand. You want to talk about pornography, that's what I'm talking about. Hit them with that old cinnamon Wilson, you feel me? You want to do the new pornography, reshape it. Put it into your relationship, into your marriage, however you want. Change the game. These are old templates we're running on. This is somebody else invented this bullshit and we're letting it live in our heads and our hearts and our lives.

Come on, man. Get that cinnamon Wilson, man. Old school. You want to show a lady a good time, put a little bit of cinnamon in this hand. Be that front open palm. She knows what's coming at her right there. Little handful of cinnamon. Do you let a baby galley lick some cinnamon off your fucking palms, boy? Come on. Then you hit her with that hidden fistful of coriander on the other side. And now suddenly things is getting sweet. And if hell's where I'm headed then, I'm making good time.

This is Making It by Bishop Gunn. Making It by Bishop Gunn. You know what? We'll stay with it. He's going to switch out. Actually, you know what? It won't feel right. We'll stay. We stuck with it and look, it's picking up. See? We stuck with it. And things are picking up. Pick it up Between the lines that I've crossed

And the friends that I've lost I'm left here alone in my skin Alone in my skin But I'm in pretty good shape For the shape that I'm in pretty good shape For the shape that I'm in That's it I'm making it I'm making it

I'm making it all feel right I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making good time I'm making it, I'm making it And I'm making And it feels well, baby I'm making good times Making good times Making good times, man

I ain't seen home in about a hundred days I can almost hear mama pray For my restless soul That is Making It by Bishop Gunn. Man, I've been riding their music for a long time now. But it helped me get through a lot of this year in certain moments, and this is one of them. You know, making wrongs feel right. You know, we're figuring it out.

You guys be good to yourselves. You probably deserve it i'll uh i'll see you next next time thank you ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the the answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Easy deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean?

I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

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