This Past Weekend - David Spade | This Past Weekend #233

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_    Theo sits down with David Spade to talk about his new Comedy Central late night show “Lights Out”, spelling bee failures,  and why he loves the Bachelor.   See David Spade 10/4 - The Mirage - Las Vegas, NV https://davidspade.com    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   This episode brought to you by   Candid https://CandidCo.com/theo or use code THEO for $75 off   BetterHelp https://betterhelp.com/theo for 10% off your 1st month   Skillshare Visit https://Skillshare.com/TheoVon for 2 months free   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Music   “Shine” - Bishop Gunn  http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon  Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Brandon Woolsey Christian Coyne Christina Peters Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Rohail Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sarah Anderson Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I lost a spelling bee to a girl in fifth grade who got pregnant. Shut the fuck up. It's the word of God. This girl named Halina, or Big Halina, I think was her full name, bro. If I see a hair pop out, I light it on fire in front of the other hair. I don't know what happens to a quitter. For me, it's like band of brothers, I feel like if one goes down, I want to send in Matt Damon to save it.

I want to send in Tom Hanks, it's gotten to the point where I need him so much. But the funny thing is, you're known for your cool hair and everyone likes your hair. By the way, you're cool it can do, but hair is 80% of being cool. That's cool. Hair is. Hair is a big deal. Yeah. But I didn't know you had any trouble with it.

Yeah, so you don't think it, but when you're living with the hair, then you see the crop. You see what's going on. Oh, dude, you see some fucking forest between the trees? And you know more than anyone, man. I used to look in the mirror and go, what the fuck? And other people start to think you're crazy. And then once you start obsessing on it, you just get more and more obsessed on it. Easy to obsess about.

That's a, hair is a great one because the people that have hair, there's bums that's better hair than me. Yeah. And I'm like, daintily drawing my hair with a napkin, meanwhile, they're like rubbing a rock on it every morning and they, and it just gets better. You know what I mean? Like, you see bums with the, not bums, whatever they're called. No, but outdoors.

Yeah. Outdoors, you got highway, they find it a freeway and they look cooler. I wanted to do pimp my bum. Yeah. Where you go there and you clean them up, you get like some kids to clean them up for college credit and then they try to get them a job. Get them a necklace or something? Well, no.

I could see you in Sedona buying a bunch of turquoise. Just a necklace. Just get them a turquoise necklace and say, Hey man, it's going to flip your life around. Yeah. I could see that. Dude, my mom lives out in Tucson and she's definitely turning like a real turquoise junkie. My mom loves turquoise. I think moms love turquoise.

Yeah. It's pretty funny how they, my mom has a squash blossom necklace from Gilbert Ortegas. That's like, because I'm from Arizona and they have a lot of Indian, you know, real Indians. Yeah. That they do, they make jewelry. So this has a lot of silver and turquoise and like a big horseshoe in the middle. It's pretty crazy because they were worth a lot.

She made me hold one once in my car when I was a little dirt ball. And they're for good luck? They're just, they're for good looks and, you know, very decorative Indian jewelry. And then I left it in my 62 Volvo when I ran out of gas. I left it for three days because I couldn't get, you know, when you're. It's hard to take a necklace with the other, but yeah, you don't think you're a loser. You got to, I just walk back and then I'm like, I can't get back to the next day to get it.

And then I'm working. So I finally get there and I didn't realize my door has no locks. Someone stole it and I had to tell my mom, she just crushed him and that's easy. Did you ever go look for a duplicate of it to try and have it? I don't have any money, but yeah, I mean, I see him in those stores. I just, I just waited and then I bought her a house later. Oh, there you go. It took a long time.

Yeah, the old buying the mama house is really the peak of showbiz where you go. If I can go long enough and make enough where I can get her a place. If you're, you know, in your mom, my mom is the best. So. And are you paying or now when you do that, do you pay your buying the house outright? There's no payment on it? And this one, I bought it outright. But first time I bought her something was a car.

I waited till I could get it outright because I didn't want another payment. So I felt like I wasn't ready if I had to do all the payments. It was, it a repo, it is embarrassing when they go to your mom's house and jack it back. Your show gets, yeah, if a show gets canceled, you're like, damn, you're living there now. My mom's like, someone stole my Jaguar. I'm like, I wouldn't report it. Best thing to do is not report it. You haven't parked buying the house because it's repo man comes and yeah, dude, I've been

getting nerve, but this hair for some reason has started to take over all my thoughts and everything. It's like started to. I'm going to get some taken out of the back. They have this guy, Dr. K and Beverly Hills and I'm going to get them taken out and put in. Yeah, there's a lot of good guys and they've got it down to a fricking science. Yeah.

They have like a robot comes in, but I can't say names, but there's people I know that do it. And just because, but Johnny Farley, I will out him because he got about, you know, 100. One of the Farley brothers? Yeah. He's kind of like, he's kind of pretty much horseshoe bald, you know, he got hit hard, but he went in there, Dennis Miller used to say, this guy's got more plugs in the last two minutes of Carson.

And so he, yeah, he put him in there, but they like grow straight in the air and someone I have on the show, he just, he like spits on it and goes, makes it go straight up. He looks like that fucking clown and it and Norm outed him the other night and said, Oh, I saw that episode. And he's doing that episode car and he goes, yeah, right in the middle of the bit, we're doing some phony bit where Johnny's the PA with Kurt Busch. And then Norm was, Hey, Johnny, your plugs are really working it tonight. And he just stops and goes, thanks, Norm, get back to the bit.

Now his head is spinning going, you just tell everyone, but that guy, I mean, yeah, but that guy, all he has is, but it's like 19 hairs. Like it's almost like a fantasy lineup that he put into his head. It looks like. He's got the bare men skeleton crew in there. I remember when I was definitely the night ship. I was on SNL and I knew a guy there that got something way back and they were like four manhole covers they put on your head.

It was like each one had like a hundred hairs. So it was like a doll, you know, but I think like girls at boob jobs, guys with hair, it's just mandatory at this point. I mean, I'm still shocked. Girls do lips and no one's even embarrassing when they're just like, I'm doing fucking everything to claw and stay in my 20s or 30s or 40s or whatever it is. I feel like sometimes that all that stuff and the girls get makes them look older. Well, some of them makes them look a little lumpy.

Like they've been like a, not kind of in us, like a, you know, some, a lady's face could seem kind of uneven sometimes the older lady, sometimes their eyes will start to get float a bit. Yeah. You're like, whoa, because it's like they sleep on their side and their eyes and inch higher and it doesn't settle till around noon. Yeah. Plastic.

They're not allowed in the ocean. There's so much plastic in their face. If you want to catch them eye to eye, you got to hit them between 11 and 1 p.m. And then they're like, it's even up tilting the other way now. I get it, but I don't even really, you know, we make fun of it on the show of anybody, but the truth is we do, I would do the same thing. Was it nerve wracking have a norm and I felt the, I felt anxious for you to have a norm and lino because normally such a, it's like throwing dynamite in like a children's yard.

I checked ahead that norm likes Leno and you know, Leno is a great guy. I've done his show a million times in the old days and he was a great comic. He got on Letterman and was doing, I don't know if you remember because you're young, but he was a guest on Letterman. He was so funny and very edgy that Letterman, you know, put him on so much and then Carson put him on. I think then he was guest hosting cars. Oh, wow.

I know that. Be a full host on Carson or took over. Then he got a little bit of flack from comics for being, not like sell out, you know, have a little jealousy, but a little like, people were like, he had to tamper it down a bit, which you have to. I mean, if he's on a network show, so they gave him a little grief for that. And then the whole Conan thing, which is hard, you know, I didn't really take sides of that. Leno's always been nice to me and I love Conan.

So I tried to stay out of that one, doesn't really affect me. And then Leno called me after about, you know, a week on the air to say, I watch every show. I love the jokes. There's more jokes per minute, anything on TV. The algorithm is great. You don't talk about politics. You don't get in that tense arguments. You don't make people feel cringy watching like, because you're for this, now they suddenly

hate you. And I said, that's the idea is, I mean, ideally that's what we're trying to do. I'm too stupid for politics. I don't really want to get into it. Everyone else is. Everyone's better at it. I got Trevor right before me and better at it. So I just want to fuck around, have fun like, it's almost a podcast, like buddies hanging

around and try to cram jokes in and make them look fluid and half of them are fluid because you don't know what the other guy's going to say, so you just roll with it. And then what we're getting to you is then Jay said, if you want me to come on, I'd love to. And I said, of course, you know, he's a guy that, it's just a joke machine. That's what we need. And then the idea of who do I put him with? You almost don't need anyone.

Right. That's what I was thinking. I was like, wow, it's really nice of him also to go and just be, I mean, he's always going to be the top banana, but to be just a, you know, a banana in the bunch. And, you know, also, you know, in the comedy world, like if I see a comic on the road, when you're on the road, it's usually you talk to other comics, like, oh, I know this guy. Oh yeah, he meddled for me here.

Oh, I used to open for Dennis Miller. You know, we all talk shit. We just talk comedians. So comedy is something where I could even walk up to Seinfeld in the old days. And if you're a comic and you're on that list and you just tell someone you're a comic, they sort of treat you equally. They're pretty cool. Most comics, you're in the club with them and they're nice.

Right. You know what I mean? Like I try to be at the store. There's guys that are doing better than me, guys are doing worse, but you try to just treat everyone the same because you're all in the comedy world. And we all know how hard it is. We all know this guy could blow up fucking tomorrow and you could work for this guy the next day because it's just how it is.

That's crazy. And now, and how tough the world is. So I think Leno is old school saying, hey, you tell me, you want me to sit on that panel with a bunch of comedians? I'll sit with comedians and bullshit. And I think he likes to be a comedian still. Yeah. And we...

Yeah. Make him feel part of the group. Yeah. We have Martin Short coming up and I'm like, maybe put Maya Rudolph with him because she's funny and weird. Maybe just have those two. Yeah. And I'm like, I might want to do a Q&A soon, have people ask from the crowd.

Oh, that'd be great. Because it's just fun. Me nor... I want it to be longer. I know. You know what? I think it feels fast, which is ultimately a compliment. Right.

It's good. Yeah. Be good and be gone. Yeah. Get it done. Make people want more. I think what it is, is like, if I go on Ellen, I'm probably doing 15 minutes out there, you know, at least.

Sometimes longer. Like, show go. Just do the whole show. Because I see why now. It's... It's relaxing for her. She just goes, oh, it's your weekend lights a cigarette that I'm like, anyway, I went to the Rolling Stones concert, and I just go on and on and on.

And she's like, okay, let's go to commercial. That's better for her. And I understand that. And then... Because sometimes doing the show as a host, which I've never hosted, I don't want to go interview people really. I just want to shoot the shit with comics and laugh. So like, the hard part is they only get a little bit of time, you know, because it's

three people. Oh, right. And you have three egos. There's always a little ego when you're sitting there. Sure. You know, Handler did it, and she did it well, but... But I think she made herself sort of a traffic cop. It's easier.

I mean, you just say, which I could see doing that, you just go, you guys are the funny one. Like, just go, I'm going to chirp in when I feel like it. Yeah. Basically, here's the question. What do you think of this? And then they go. And it'll, I'm sure, turn into some form of that.

But I like to throw in jokes now. So now it's like four people. Right. Yeah, because you're... Yeah, you're a comedian too. It's like you're sitting there. It's like you're chopped liver. That's an old term too.

You know, that's the decision. I like chopped liver. That's a good one. Have you ever had it? It's still out there. No, but I just picture it. It sounds gross. People, I guess, hate it, because everybody's, I guess, always like the last thing you would

pay. It gets a bad rap. Yeah. You know what else gets a bad rap? Fish, when people go, this smells fishy, because I feel like bad for the fish, because he goes, yeah, I'm a fish, and they're like, oh, fishies, by the way, the grossest thing you could smell. And they're like, I am a fish.

Yeah. Why is that gross? I'm just smelling like. Yeah. I'm on fucking some of the best menus. To other fishies, it's cool, but to other, to humans, I hate it. Sometimes I wonder if fish are male or female when you're on my plate. You know?

It doesn't always cross my mind, but, oh, you ask who? The fish? I'll ask the waiter. Oh, okay. And they'll be like, let me check. They never come back. It's all quit working there sometimes at that point. That's funny.

They should leave the building, because they don't get that a lot, I'm sure. They're like, fuck me. Are you eating fish, Dick? How do you figure this out? Yeah. Maybe I was eating fish sticks instead of fish sticks as a kid. Yeah, I just want to know. I just want to make sure I'm not eating fish dicks, man.

Well. Dude, fish sticks were good, remember them? Oh, I mean, in the Lazy Mom fucking dictionary, it's so perfect. Or the kids, you would have to make them yourself, do you ever have to make your own or your mom made them? The greatest thing is, you could be a Lazy Mom. And what you're doing is giving your kids a dream, like if she goes, all right, fish sticks.

And I'm like, she did it. That's my birthday. Yeah. Meanwhile, she's like, fucking throw that goddamn cookie sheet in there. Put eight of those bitches on there. Dude, pizza rolls we had, fish sticks, the easiest shit, and I loved it so much. Well, pizza rolls isn't really a dinner. I think fish sticks, at least you have that element of, you know, you got a protein.

Yeah, one of your meals. There's definitely fish in there. One of the food groups. Yeah. Fucking 90% breading. Yeah. I like the fish. I go to McDonald's and I go through the drive-through and I go, what's the filet of fish of the

day? And they go, excuse me? And I go, is it Branzino? It's not swordfish again. And they go, they just pause and I go, quarter pound of what she's like, okay, quarter pound of cheese. They don't know what to say. Dude, one thing about fish dough is some of them have those little bones in it and they

never, they never act like they do. You know what I'm talking about? Like sometimes you'll get a part of the fish, you're like, oh, there's eight little bones or something. Grotesque. Yeah. The hard part about fish is I see them, first of all, when they ring the fish with the head to the table, I'm fucking out.

Yeah. I don't want to see them going, why me? I thought we were friends. Yeah, that's Jamaica. Very Jamaican. I don't like that. It's sickening. I don't like eating the eyeball, which please call it a delicacy.

I mean, I like when they label it a delicacy. You're not tricking me. Well, dude, even when they give you the head, you don't eat the eyeball, you just leave it in there. I don't know. Some people, like other countries, they think different parts are great. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure shit we eat is gross, but I'm used to it now.

I don't think I can start with some of the stuff they eat. It's too late in the game. Yeah. Leverwurst is a kid and I liked it, somehow my mom snuck that in there and then I like it with mustard on toast, but today I wouldn't start with Leverwurst. Yeah. We used to get a cut of spam every now and then a cut of hot spam and that shit was fire, boy.

Sick. Is it good? I don't even know what it is. Dude, it's real. I mean, if you... Is it food? Yeah, man. Is it outside the four food?

I think it's definitely... I would say it's orbiting. Yeah. It's in the vicinity. It was good, man. You know, I used to get a horny four with some devil's food because I heard commercials and it sounded good, but I don't even know what it was. Devil's food?

Yeah. Have you ever heard of that? Are you allowed to talk? I am. Okay. Devil's food cake. Yeah. Well, there's devil's food cake.

What is... Is devil's food something? Devil's food is nothing. It's nothing. I think it's fire. I'm thinking of not spam, but there's something also like... I'll get to it, but it's sickening. There was...

Torp or something? No, there was... I know, but I'm just thinking of all the gross foods. Hog's head cheese was popular when I was young. He'd go... We'd go at lunch. We'd go to the IGA and watch a lot of older people sit out on the bench and eat it. That's...

I like the scenario. You put it in a setting and it would blow our minds, bro. I would be... And they'd shape it into a little hog, too, back in the day for you. They'd shape it to what? Kind of like a hog, kind of like a swine, like a... Oh, gross-er. I had...

My big thing was, this is why I'm malnutrition and fucking barely alive, is that I grew up and didn't have one fucking glass of water for 22 years. That wasn't really... In the desert. The thing. Yeah, even in the desert. Only if you're going to the desert, you bring a canteen, but... Yeah.

But I didn't... But if you lived there, that's crazy. We weren't big on that. And what it was when you know more about food now, I woke up in the morning, went to school, my mom went to work. So I would eat cereal, which was like, you know, fruity pebbles or something. You could not lose. You went to grab any of my cereal boxes.

Captain Crunch, 10 out of 10. Fucking King Vitamin. That was an old one. Apple Jacks. Life, did you do that one, too? That's a 7 out of 10. It wasn't sugary enough. I need Count Chocula.

I need the basics, right? Oh, wow. And then I remember, Seinfeld once said, Cookie Crisp is a... Now it's just a bowl of cookies. I mean, we gave up. You're giving your kids a bowl of cookies. So I'd go... So that's all the sugar, right?

Right. Drink the milk, whole thing. Go to work. I mean, go to school. Got there early, grabbed some M&M's or a cinnamon roll. Oh, wow. Pure sugar. Pure sugar.

Sugar, sugar, sugar. Lunch, cheeseburger, fries, Coke. And then at school, I blacked out once. Our big thing was... What do you mean by that? Like I just blocked out at school playing basketball. And then I went to the doctor, and then I blacked out again a couple days later. And they said, you either have leukemia or low blood sugar.

And the bets were on. And I wound up with low blood sugar. So I thought, do I need more sugar? Yeah. I think that would be what you'd need. Yeah, they trick you. So I ate more, passed out again. And then I started drinking Diet Pepsi in high school, which was a little fruity.

Oh, that's really good, bro. I mean, it's not... Yeah, it's a little iffy. Yeah, I couldn't even see a young man having a can of that. Let's just say in high school, it didn't fly. But I had to. They said, no more sugar. I was like, you are fucking kidding me.

So it must have been nerd alert where kids like, geez, is this dude so straight? Not a drill. Major nerd alert affecting all four counties in Arizona. All the other schools heard about it. So I'm sitting there eating, but I still would have like, I only have 10 cookies today. This is... I was cutting back, but my body was not getting any nutrition. When we were eating good food at night, I swear to God, it was fucking lean cuisine.

That was our baby. Oh, yeah. Which today would probably make me sick because it's a ziplock of gloop with a gloppy fit, you know, like chicken in it. It has salt in it. It has good salt in it. It has a lot of good salts. What's good salt?

Is it really the good kind of salt or is it just salt? Definitely, man. My mom had one last night. Dude, I couldn't even talk to her if she was wolfing that thing down. I want a lean cuisine. No, she had a 20 TV dinner. So every now and then, she likes to get a little TV dinner over there. Where's your mom?

Is she around? Yeah, she lives in Tucson. Oh, that's right. You said Tucson. So she's out there. Dude, I used to live in Tucson. Do we had a mailman when I lived there? He would drive my late off hours, bro, and fucking furious at his wife, he'd always be

yelling shit about her, even though she wasn't in the mail truck and fucking throw the mail out of the yard. Oh, would he be mad at you? Yeah. Or just anybody, just throw in the mail out into the yard, not even using the box. I love anger, you know, the kids today. I guess we do still have mailmen. I forgot.

But now I feel like it's just somebody that kids, everybody reports them always as like pedophiles, predators. They don't get a good rap out there. If you're still like, yeah, traveling around doing stuff, everybody, like I saw a guy yesterday and he was just like a construction worker, and I was like, oh man, that guy might be a sexual predator, you know, for no reason other than the fact that he has an oddball job or something. Yeah.

That he's just gainfully employed. Yeah. And like working hard. So they get around kids, it's like a bonanza. What if you're a wrestling coach in high school, like, you know, you just wrestle kids and you slap money ass all day. You never know. That's like volleyball coach.

Volleyball coach. You're getting busted. Yeah. There's no way you're being around all those chicks, or not chicks, young girls, you know who. Yeah. All those jobs were, I mean gymnastics, I think they're onto that one, but you just, I just look back and go, there's so many pervs.

Yeah. I remember. Yeah. We had a couple pervs at our school and half of them went to jail. I think my friend's a child molester, you know, but I want to get more data before I hand him in because it's only a hunch right now. Yeah. I went to his house, he's watching the Little League World Series, and I go, I don't like

it, you know. And then I tried to get him out, I go, are you, are you, you know, this is one of the kids and he goes, no. Yeah. He goes, but look at those calves, man. These are athletes. I go, they're not really, they're 12. Yeah.

And you can't see their calves, either. A lot of them have long pants. Oh, he's just dreaming about it, I think. Yeah. They're just guessing. You're just kind of guessing leg muscle. But I will tell you, I can honestly say little girls, little kids are cute, just cute. And that's extinct.

You cannot say that. You see anybody with their kid, they got a seven-year-old and I go, oh, your daughter's cute. They're like, huh? And then they like shuffle them away. Like, what are you doing? Like I'm king creepo. Yeah.

You gotta say handsome. You gotta say there's a very handsome child. That's bad, too. Handsome woman. Oh, you say handsome to a girl. Yeah. I'll be like, wow, it's a handsome, you know, kid. Hopefully it's an adult soon.

I say that. It's hard. It's hard because, you know, I want to say, hey, listen, I'm no child monster. But believe me, we're not starting with your kid. Yeah. She's not that great. I'll start with that kid. I saw the carnival three nights ago with short pants on.

That's number one. I'll start with a nice Latino kid. Yeah. The slick back hair. Your kid is down the waiver wire. I'm telling you, because. Yeah, I'm not starting with this pasty little fuck. She's no John Bonet, no offense.

What do you think happened with John Bonet? Yeah. Let's go. Why do I love anything about John Bonet? I just, it's too. Well, first of all, I feel like you and her almost have a, there's something about you guys, both kind of. Thank you.

Nice hair. Talented. Talented. Showman. Showman. Showmanship. Working through the, like standing the, you know, the test of time, kind of like continuing to stay relevant.

That's true. John Bonet is still more famous than me, which sucks, but I was a little, I'm a Yankee doodle dandy, I was a little bit of that, a little look at me kid. Were you really? Tension seeker. Did you do any, you didn't do chorus or anything at school, did you? Because that is really. No, I was straight.

But what happened was, no, I was, I think as my dad left us when I was four, I looked back to think, is that why I was always like. Entertaining. Yeah. Thinking maybe he'd see you. Gross. I don't know. That's a good angle though.

Because I used to get throw fits, I had a bad temper and I'd smash trophies in my room. This is just. Look at this white. Now I don't even know if that's white privilege, bro. That's just, but what is it smashing your trophies? No one buys it. I had any trophies. I had one trophy.

I had a participation trophy. Dude, I got a trophy one time as a plaque and they misspelled half the shit on it from our school. And I was like, fuck. And that was your big break. Yeah. And they fucked it up. And girl in fifth grade who got pregnant, swear to God, this girl named Halina or big Halina

I think was her full name, bro. And dude, nobody thought she could spell. Nobody thought she could even speak. No one thought she could get knocked up in there. Jesus. So she was a real overcomer, dude, or just someone who accepted calm, you know. And she, sorry about that part. My trophy was for the shortest first in school.

No way. No, it wasn't trophy. I got one for a little league just for being on some team, but I broke it. My mom was like, oh, it broke her heart. Yeah. Cause I thought, I think I was mad at my dad left. I think I look back. Why was I so fucking mad all the time?

You probably have to be. If you're a kid, that's all. Yeah, you had, you'd have to be. Dude, it's funny. Sometimes I think that I interrupted you though. You were just talking about the girl that got knocked up. Oh, Halina. I don't know what she's doing.

You guys still stay in touch or no? No, dude. I lost on inconvenience and I should have had it and I still can't stop. Oh, you did? Yeah. I lost. I went to state and I thought I was king fucking cock. I walked in the state finals like this, like some Indian kid.

I walked up there. I got smoked on the first word. They go apparatus. I go easy, A-P-A-P-P, they go being gone. I go, no, no, you can't change it. I tried to change it in the middle. Wow. And I sling.

Oh, you can't change it. That was it. Yeah. I think so. Back in my AZ strict rules. But yeah, the rules were a lot stricter then. What did you lose? Inconvenience?

That's a tough one. Inconvenience. Yeah. I just, and I was showboating up there. Everybody was watching, dude. Finally a couple chicks looked up from whatever they were like, you know, the love letters they were writing to my friend Scott. Not quite as drenched as you thought they'd be because you could almost spill inconvenience.

Yeah. Nobody cared and then big Halina fucking shook me. She comes out and breaks her water. She got that of all words. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. She should have got abortion. Yeah. That would have been crazy.

And dude, she was built like an adult, like that's one thing you don't see anymore. Like when I was younger, they had children that were built like fucking adults. Yeah. You know, we had kids who wore like, we had kids who came to school with just oil stains on them. Like they were ready. Like in tats. They're ready to throw down.

Ready to go to work as soon as. Oh yeah. Go right to a garage. Yeah. Like undeniable. They were ready to go to work somewhere. Even at young ages, it seemed like. And now these kids, you know, it's just different.

There's crying meetups. Crying meetups. We should have one of those. Yeah. I mean, Sebastian said at the VMAs that they had a room, if anybody's triggered, they had a room backstage for people that. Triggered. Yeah.

Oh, he must have had a field day with that one. They were alarmed. I remember when Sebastian was doing that. I almost wanted to say to him, I don't know him well enough. I do like the guy because there's no way to say it, but I did Teen Choice once I hosted and I wrote for Dana at the VMAs and it's just a tough room. I mean, they don't give a fuck. If you're over 22, I even just presented at the MTV Awards with Aubrey Plaza and she's

like, what's our bid? I'm like, Aubrey, you're funny and no one gives a fuck. We can give her our best shit out there. They don't care. Nobody cares. So they had some guy, this guy Noah, he's a good looking dude from one of the movies at Kills on Netflix or something, he's got trillions of followers. I couldn't walk right past him, I don't know.

Noah from the Bible, I know, and Trevor, I know. This Noah is fucking bigger than both, all three. He goes out there and every chick is like, it was bananas, it was Beatles. He couldn't even do any, and he did some, then he sat on the floor and they thought that was hysterical. Oh yeah. They were fucking jokes or anybody, he couldn't do no wrong, and then these girls were just like, it was Katrina, they were all fucking sliding off their seats and they were like,

you know, teenagers, I shouldn't say that. They were some adults. 18 years old. Yeah, they were 18 and they were horny for him. Just turned 18, yeah. And then he finally leaves and they introduce us, ladies and gentlemen, basically children, would you please welcome these two fucking assholes. So we walk out, they could not give a fuck.

They were all mad, their face was like, wait, he's still in the building. Why the fuck are you, wait. We're still applauding, we still are creaming over this guy. Why are you? Then we start talking, they're like, no. And then I'm like, hey, Aubrey Bluff, and they're like, shut the fuck up. They hate it. And they're blocking me on Instagram and this guy just ruined it.

They find you just to block you. Who are you? How do you spell it? Unblock. Well, excuse me, I know I was just talking with David Spade, but now I've got to tell you that the holidays are coming. It's that time of year. If you go, if you go look around your buddy's house and look far, far away, get some binoculars,

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It starts with a smile, you know, and ends with maybe love. Go to Candidco.com slash Theo and use code Theo for $75 off. That's Candidco.com slash Theo for $75 off. Candidco.com slash Theo. And now back to the episode. Dude, your Instagram is, you do, people don't know it. You do some of the best bachelor coverage on IG, man. That's not helping my straight case.

No. Well, actually the funny thing was I remember when you invited me over to watch The Bachelor. Oh, yeah. The Bachelorette. Oh, we had a blast. And then, yeah, no, we had a blast, definitely. You also, I had to sit on the sofa. You sat behind me in a chair.

I didn't want you to think I was making any moves. Oh, I didn't think that, bro, except for murder, maybe. And you're like, why do I need to run? I'm in a Pennywise costume. Yeah, it's like, why do I throw a sofa stick here? No, it was because my fucking back, I can't sit on that couch. Well, dude, then don't let have other people sit on it in front of you. I should tell people.

Listen. Yeah, just tell them a little more. You probably won't get killed, yeah. Oh, because I didn't know you that good. That's right. No. And it was just like, all right. And I was, I was like one of those creepy kids in the movies that walks with my knees

go the wrong way. And I'm like, don't mind me. And you're like, what the fuck? You know, if I see a movie, first of all, I never see scary movies. If I see like a little girl in a dress who's like 10 and she has black hair in her face and she walks with her knees go the wrong way, the joints, I'm out, there's not a fucking chance I'm seeing that movie. Oh, she's from outside of the city limits.

Dude, we got a question right here that came in from a young lady. Oh, we have a question? Mm-hmm. How does this happen? They sent him in, we let him know they were going to come in yesterday. Oh. We need headphones for this, huh, Nick? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, go ahead. It's a complicated show. David Spade is a fan of The Bachelor. And my question for him is if you could change the format, be the new Chris Harrison, mix things up, what would you do to change it? Mm-hmm. What was her name? Do you remember?

Shelby. Shelby. She didn't say it. Shelby. Very beautiful of age girl too. She was very calm in her question. Yeah. She wasn't fanning out, which I sort of wanted.

I wanted her to go, oh my God, I can't even think of my questions, David Spade. Yeah. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous to tape this that he might see one. So The Bachelor, I do like. What do you like about it? Just for the stupidity of, I don't know. Yeah.

You know, it's got cute girls. It's just fun to make fun of everyone. Oh, yeah. That's why I like it too, actually. And they, and every girl knows about it, so if you talk about it, they have something to talk about. Yeah, it's something common. And they're all single girls, and 29 of them are losing, so you go, well, you're going

to run into them at Pizza Hut, and they're like, well, you don't have a boyfriend. So at least it's not like you're creeping on some married show, or you look at all these hot married girls. So it's just more for comedy and fodder. But I think, I don't know what I would change, because they obviously have it wired. I do like this new situation, which you wouldn't know, or there's a guy named Tyler. He's like, I remember going, this guy's too good looking. He's on The Bachelor.

He's vying for the one girl, Hannah. I think he's going to win it all, because he's just good looking, but he's a bit of a dud. But it's never stopped any guy from getting married, right? So he doesn't get picked. He's the third runner-up. So they go, he's going to be the next bachelor. And then in this new crazy world, Gigi Hadid says, this guy's hot.

Wow. And so now they're dating. Now they're dating. No. And guess what? Not only dating, they're dating every second of every day. You know, couples are like Velcro monkeys, like shump, like just together right away like Magnus.

He went to her grandma's funeral with her. Went to her grandma's funeral. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's very Native American, too. My thing is, first of all, these guys that have so much free time. So a girl likes you. You fly to New York or whatever, I don't know where he lives. And you don't leave her fucking side.

Do you have one thing to do in the last six weeks you've been with her? A haircut, a dentist appointment. I have shit to do. Yeah, you should remember something you left somewhere. Yeah, you can go, hey, I can see you this afternoon. This morning I got a couple of things I got to work out. No, he has 24 hours a fucking day, obviously not a job. They never have jobs.

They always quit the job to go on a bachelor. To go on a bachelor. Yeah, this is Stedman. This is like the new Stedman. Yeah, and look at, he's hot though. He's on the left. Now he is very handsome, I will say that. You look good at that funeral.

Look at him. He could have, yeah. He almost wished the grandmother was alive to get a good look at him. He said the grandma was in the coffin and he saw the roses. He goes, when is she going to give them out? Because he didn't know anything else. He doesn't know anything else. He thinks it's all about.

He goes, if I get one, I'm going to reject it. This is intense. There you go. Dude, he is ripped. Is it, do you think men are more handsome since you've gotten older or when you were younger? I didn't know what good looking guys were growing up. Like I couldn't tell.

Now, when you get all the data of what girls like, you can start to say, oh, this guy's good. This guy's handsome. I never looked from the, I never looked waist down though. You don't do that. I don't. No, I don't. Yeah, I don't either.

Like I'll look at this picture of this man, but I will only, like my eyes can't even focus. I never knew that part because the girl I went out with said about two years ago. She goes, I saw Harry Stiles and then she goes, look at this picture of him. And I go, all right. He's in a suit. And she goes, where's his dick? I go, what do you mean? She goes, look where his dick is.

You can't even see it. It's taking out. I go, why would his dick be popping out of his pants? She goes, I, all I do is look at guys' dicks all day in their pants. I go, fucking ain't really. I go, no one's, my dick's not doing anything in the day. Like, yeah, I'm getting, I'm getting screwed on that deal because I don't want to walk on slapping together a half a rod just to, so some chick might look for it.

And my, you know what I mean? Oh, I've done that before. I go in a busy room and just kind of shake it up a little. Maybe if there's some shit going on, like, just like you're mixing a fucking milkshake where you don't have a blend. If I'm walking out of the Emmys, I might get a couple of CCs of plasmas out of there. Fucking fluff that muffin, dude. Fucking slamming it in the door back.

Oh, dude, I remember one time I was on this cruise ship and I was trying to get an erection. This girl was a real fucking land animal. You know? And I literally was like whacking my wiener against the wall, trying to get blood into the air. God. God, I still remember that. I'm the worst, man.

I'm like a one-trick pony that, like, everyone thinks I'm like, whatever. I don't know what they think, but. Where would he think, yeah, you're definitely just Casanova. Before we get into that, though, I want to talk a little bit more. What else would you do about the bouts or anything else? Because I know me, you have such a... Oh, that's kind of screwed up on that question. I could almost see, Harrison, first of all, will never give the job up.

He's low-key. By the way, he's seeing half of these women. Oh, I mean, and they, they have nothing to that island but sneak in his room. Yeah. He's on the island, too. Oh. He's, I mean, it is boring because, you know, they pull him out for three minutes a day and he has to wear a suit and all that shit, but I wonder if he's allowed to mingle and

hang out. There must be rules. But he gets all their numbers. I mean, he's got all their ideas. He's DMing up a frenzy. I can't even imagine. I don't think he's married. And then he goes to Bachelor Island, then he does it there.

He came on our show and he was cool. He's a great guy. He was cool. I interviewed him a couple years ago. Were you on the show with him? He was awesome. Was it me, you and Kaylee Cucco? No.

What show were you on? I don't know. No. They don't live together, though. Now that I like. Isn't that interesting? I think it's the new thing. I've been trying to pitch that.

I think it's true because, I mean, go ahead, I'm sorry, we're getting away from her question. But I, Kaylee was on my second show. You were on really early. I was on the second show. And it wasn't Kaylee? Uh-uh. She was on, I think, the next day. He was on with Jen Kirkman and another female comic.

Oh, look at fucking, fucking Greggy Google over there. He's got it, bro. He's better than Adam Egan. Look at Colin calls in. You see it last night? We've actually got some voice questions from Adam Egan as well. We do? We have questions from Adam for us.

Yeah. I got it. You do? Mm-hmm. Okay, sweet man. Let's get one. Kill again? Oh shit.

It's okay. Sorry, we'll get time. What's the paper towel budget? What's he saying? I'll get it. Okay, we'll figure it out. Spade. Hey, it's Adam Egan from The Office.

This is gross. Do you know where the paperclips are? I really need these, like, as soon as possible. I guess. It works fucked over here. Also, corn dogs for lunch today. So let me know if you want me to save you one or two. What kind of halfway house are you guys running?

He works with us. Tell Theo I said hi. Yeah, call me back as soon as you get this. I need to know about these paperclips, like, stat. I will tell you, Adam Egan. Who's still using paperclips, bro? Yeah, I know. He doesn't have the phone.

I can't see two more. Jesus Christ, from him? Yeah. And this is, Adam doesn't need your booking? When did he write these? He doesn't need your booking. It's fucking solid, yeah. Okay, at least he doesn't do the monologue.

Spade. Hey, it's Adam Egan. Oh, shit. Do you know how I changed my W-2? I think I'm getting the right amount of taxes taken out, so. I always count 300. Call me back. Dependence.

Call. Hey. Exactly. What? What? Are you hanging up on me? Hey, it's Adam Egan. Spade, do you have a fire extinguisher in your office?

No rush. Just get back to me. No rush on the fucking message, either. Jesus. What a slow poke, Rodriguez. There's a fire, bro. Spit it out. Spade.

You know what happened? Yesterday, he got a box of pens sent to him. He's got a hall office. He's got an office. Let's say this is a big square room, this big huge lot we are doing the show in. Over on the wall, that's his desk, so everyone walks. This is a hall office, because everyone just walks through and does their shit. He didn't get an office office or the door, so he sits there and everyone just makes fun

of him. So he was, someone put garbage on his desk, like these workers came and put on his desk while they were working, and he just sits there going, what the fuck is happening? So on one of my stories I put on Instagram, I go, hey, Adam Egan, hating his hall office. And so this woman that works for a pen company sent him, I mean, maybe 300 pens. Oh, wow. They said, hey, I saw your hall office, needs a little pen action on there. So yesterday, he was like having a yard sale, he laid them all out and everyone got to come

pick a pen. Don't take the violent ones. Take green, he's like, no, no, no, no green. And then everyone's arguing about which ones they want, maybe 300, but they're like, yeah, he felt it, he's like, nah, he's being snug with someone, I go, Adam, you just got him free one minute ago, like, no. He loves being a, he loves the job though, it seems like he's been. He loves, he's good at it, yeah.

He's the guy that does the comedians, and we have another department, seems like a total shit show, but we have a whole department that does, anyone's not a comedian. So like, or I get too big, like if Leno is a comedian, but we have talent office deal with him just because, you know, there's some people that are more, I think Jim Carrey, oh yeah, I think Jim Carrey's coming on now. Really? That's awesome. Love Jim Carrey.

Very interesting dude. So talented. Did you remember, did you ever remember seeing him as a comedian? Barely, just seeing him on a special, I think Rodney Dangerfield's HBO special when he was a young comedian special, those were big. They would have a big comedian, comedian host, and have five new comedians, five or six. And I saw Kenison on that, I saw Jim Carrey. Was there a thing that happened like whenever you were kind of coming up through the ranks,

that you wished you had done it, or you had gotten it, and you were like, oh man, this is, and you thought you weren't going to have a career? Wow. Star Search, they came to my, they came to Arizona to a mall, and you were there, Paradise Valley Mall. Did your mom take you or did you just go? I think I was old enough to drive, went out to PVM. I literally used to drive without my shirt on, I was such a fuck.

Joe Durd started because Fred Wolf lived in Montana with dirt balls. I live in Arizona, we see guys walking with long hair with no shirt on, tucked in their back pocket holding a gas can. Oh, I love that dude. That's a whole life out there. So I'm, I'm that guy. Praise God, I stepped that. I take my shirt off whenever I drove, because I don't have air conditioning.

So I go to PVM. Yeah, that's why. And I stand on some little, I do two minutes of stand-up. They check to see if you have any game, no callbacks, no, nothing. And PVM was at Palos Verdes Mall or something with PVM? Paradise Valley. Paradise Valley. At the mall.

It was at the mall in front of everybody. No. Like Tiffany, yeah. Wow. And I think they would check crowd reaction. It's kind of a good idea. Yeah. At least you're getting some real feedback right there.

So when I finally, I felt like, I think you'll know, you, you'll agree that people say, what's your big break? This is sort of a series of little breaks, like getting on one club when I was starting. That was a big break. Yeah. And then getting on another club. And then getting at the improv when I got in LA was huge. Then I got on this HBO Young Comedian special, which I was talking to you about kind of.

Dennis Miller was, me, Rob Schneider, Drake Saylor, Fred Stoller, we had all these guys in there and everyone did great. And then Rob and I got SNL off that, another big break. Wow. Tommy Boy, another big break. So it's just really like treading water, your whole fucking career. You can never really let off the gas because go away in two seconds. Someone even said to me the other day, this Uber guy goes, you're in showbiz, I love those

guys. Whatever happened to Chris Pratt, I go, Chris Pratt did three blockbusters in the last two years. He goes, oh, okay. I go, I didn't see him. I go, well, this fucking guy's in trouble. What about me? No movies on Netflix.

I never saw that. I guarantee it. I didn't bother the year in the other one. I go, well, fuck dude. No wonder we're like, eh, it's good to see you. I don't know what perception is. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely changed a lot.

You have no idea if people have seen it. It takes a year. A year, this, which is every week. I usually am on a TV show, so that's every week. And so when people don't see me for a year, they're like, what the fuck? I go, I take a year to get a movie off the ground, I write, then it takes three months to film it, then a year, edit it and get it out. And if you miss that one, now there's two and a half years you miss me.

So that's all that work for one fucking two hour movie. And then you do another one. So have you done some pretty stinkers? Have you done some real shit ones? Yeah. Oh, movies? Yeah. Yeah.

I thought you meant shits. Oh no. I've done some pretty bad ones. Dude, I have one of the worst superpower. I don't know if it's a superpower or not, but I know if I walk into a bathroom, if somebody's pooped in there recently. Because it stinks. Yeah.

It's a superpower. By the way, can you tell it too? If someone took a dirty shit, dude, I walked out of a bathroom. It's like the thing I hate the most about myself, man, I just wish I couldn't do that. It's me sad, bro. Okay. That doesn't, okay. I will tell you though.

I hate it. I don't know if we need a moment of silence for that, but. I don't need a moment of silence. I just, man, I fucking can feel it in my muscles. I went to this nice place the other day for dinner, not that nice, but it was a regular restaurant normally. Okay. Wow.

It's totally different place. Dude, I've been here with you. It's only at nice place. Yeah. So I go and I go to the bathroom and this is the, you would relate to this. You can see the camera. This is, you can't hear it at home, but I go like this. I walk in and this dude's walking out and I go, oof, because he shit so bad.

Oh yeah. And he stops and looks at me. He goes, what'd you say? And I go, fucking rough, dude. And he goes, what the fuck? I go, and I pushed out of me. And I go, am I going to even fight about a shit that wreaks so bad? I have to.

I thought I had to say something as I walked in and I go, God damn, like, because some are the air defender, unordinent and ordinarily rank, you know, and I get that it's not a, you know, fucking, that a factory, but when you go in there and it's wreaks so bad, sometimes it wallops you and you have to mention it. Like you can't even hide it. You go, oh. Yeah. And then he was offended because it was him.

So he wanted to fight me. You want to fight me over your poops? Well, you're also defending the air, bro. Like, you have the right to defend. Yeah. I just want air. I want to be able to live in here. So I had to leave.

Like, I can't even pee in this poo. It's like, oh yeah, I hate that, man. I hate knowing that it's, I just wish that I could never, sometimes I try to hold my breath before I go in and try to just have my breath held the whole time that I'm in there. Oh, when you're in poop town. And I think it's a nice restaurant I go up. Dude, one time this guy, I went in there.

One time there was like a kind of like a urban gentleman working in there, you know, like kind of like a mint, you know, with the mints and the, you know, doing the, sometimes they'll do scarves and everything. They got cigarettes, mints, everything. This guy was buying new suit in there. Yeah. This guy was fresh off the boat, you know, and they clean up in there. Oh, dude.

Well, here's the thing though. This guy was kind of like a big jock kind of dude. So I go into the, into the stall, right? Into this little dookie booth, you know, to rock a number two, right? Yeah. And this guy goes, oh, all right, fam, I got you, right? And I'm like, what? What does that mean?

Like, I think he was trying to like think like I'm going to tip him or something, you know? So then another guy comes in. Better. If you talk to him, yeah, I think you have to tip him. That's the thing. One. So make contact.

Yeah. The thing, then another guy comes in and tries to get at the door, right? And this guy, like, lunges at him. Yeah. Stop. So bro. And he's like, Hey, my man's in there. I don't even fucking know the guy.

I love it. I love him. He's in there. Bro, they get into a fucking fight into a shoving match. Security comes in the whole deal. And you weren't even pooping. You were pissing. Like, no, I was.

Why? I can't tell. Sometimes I will sit down and piss sometimes if it's late at night. But this was a, I don't know, but it was just so like, I'm not with this guy. You know? That's so hot that he, if he went to the mat with you and then you go out there and put a quarter in, do you know how you get me? Here's how you get me to tip.

I walk in and they go, David's fate. I go, well, you're getting tipped. There you go. Because I know you're going to call TMT and go, this motherfucker took the dirtiest poop and he only gave me a nickel. He doesn't tip the fucking shit, jockey. Who's in there? And one time it was bring your kid to work day.

Now shut up. That's not possible. I swear to God, this is over by UCLA. It was at Mahoney's Bar, some bar they had over there, Maloney's. And the guy's got his son in there, dressed up like a little seal or something, like a little oyster, like a fancy oyster or like somebody that's going to like a wedding or dance or something. You know, like looking nice.

Oh, like a little, not like an actual oyster. Yeah. Yeah. Not like a nice oyster. Is that what you say when people dress up? Or like a penguin. That's something. Yeah.

Penguin. You were so far off. I get it. Penguin makes some sense. Like a little tux. But dude, a snow oyster, how good would that fucking taste, bro? What is that? That's what I'm saying.

Once they find those, dude. You know how expensive those, watching a year, those are going to be something that's going to be on a menu somewhere. Snow oysters. Shit. I'll put all my money in the snow oyster. Would you change anything else on the bachelor? I don't know.

Bachelor. Are you trying to go back to her? She got a lot of screen time for that question. We haven't even answered all of Adam Egetz. We don't have paperclips. Yeah. Bachelor, I love, I, it's down right now. Viewership is?

When does this come on? Today is September 21, 2006. Today's September 12, 2014. Yeah. 2006. Yeah. So it'll be on ten years. 12, two years.

Okay. Sorry to interrupt this little chit chatter with, with, with Mr. Joe Dirt himself. But this, can you believe that's really Joe Dirt? That's so wild, dude. I can't believe that happened to him. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. I remember I was having a tough day one day and I was driving and I didn't want to be driving.

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We had the Scallars last night. Yeah, I saw that. I don't think we talked enough about Norm and Jay, because it was, it made me nervous. The show is fucking hard. You got nervous. The show is hard because everyone's got a different energy and vibe, and I don't sometimes know it. One time I had a female comic, and I'm going over to the side, and out of here, I go,

what do you think? She goes, well, I made me. And I go, oh, is that your hook? Like, I don't know. Like, some could be very dirty. Some are timid. Some are like, she's, she stayed in her shell. This guy over here is like super whatever, or he doesn't like, you know, and then, you

know, I jazzled that kind of thing. He's sort of quiet, very funny, but he's on with other people. And so I want to make sure he gets time to get his joke out and I get stepped on. And then you have some fucking guy you don't even know on one show like blabbing too hard and running over everyone's stuff. You know, I learn every show what I like, and I'm like, I don't like to pull teeth because there's too many dead spots, you know, I like people to sort of self-start. Last night, the scar is perfect, Leno, perfect.

I show a picture of Kylie Jenner, and he's like, you know, I read you, you hear about this yesterday? They say Kim and Kanye are going to get divorced. I don't think he's going to leave her behind. Yeah, I heard that. And it was funny, but I was sitting there freaking out going, everyone, give him a second on this because he's old school and he took his time with it. He goes, have you seen this pause?

These two might get a divorce and you just think someone's going to jump in on that pause and do their line or comment. And I'm like, just leave and I've got crazy norm over there. So norm is always very funny and you just don't know what you're getting and that's part of the fun. Yeah. Yeah. Watching that one, it was seem like, yeah, you're just, he's such like a, like you literally

have no clue what's about to climb out of his mouth. And I don't listen. He can offend me, it's sort of the funny part about it that he goes after me a little bit. I don't want him to offend the other guests or I don't want, if they don't know what they're getting either. And Jay's, you know, he was very nice to Jay, he said nice things, but it's hard. And then I had to do the bit with NASCAR and it's hard to do bits in front of comedians because NASCAR came all the way there to be a part of it.

They liked the show or getting more and more people to call the one to be on the show and that's nice. That means the show's doing all right. And I'm a NASCAR guy, I'm a little bit of a dirt ball, so I had met this guy, Kurt. He was game, but every joke we had, they killed right before the show. So NASCAR, you know, they have their brand and this and that, and I didn't know it. So then I was like fucking going, two, because now I go, what am I saying? Because I think one, we had the car up close, I go, oh, is this a make a wish car?

Why is it so close? And he goes, yeah, it says it has cancer, but I think it's lying. You know? And then that's gone. So when I get to the show, about to tape it, I go, oh, that's gone? What's there? We put some L's, they approved. I'm like, I don't even really know what bit I'm doing now.

And that never happens. And then we said, oh, Johnny, the PA, I have a question for Kurt, it's John Farley. And he goes, I go, all right, one question. He goes, do you have any Adderall? And I go, you're not asking him that, and he goes, it's not even for me. I go, he's not, no, and then Kurt goes, talk to me after the show. And I go, oh, so they killed all that. These aren't the best jokes in the world.

It's just, don't take away Joe. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, it seemed like why not shoot more and then cut it down? They just, we should have sent them ahead and then they can talk. And, you know, there's always going to be a barter with someone. It was a lot packed in one episode. But most people, like we had Rascal Flats on last night and a band Mumford and Sons.

And they're very game. They come on. They go, I know what space is about. I'm not there to make them look bad. You're not going to get people if you do that. So if they want to roll with some jokes, I make fun of myself half the time. Do you like, are you enjoying doing the show? Or are you finding that you're enjoying it more than you thought you would?

Or you haven't any? Yeah. It seems like when I watch now, it seems like it's definitely coming. It's hard. It's very hard, but, and I have cards and cards like roll to this pre-tape and do this and we have someone talking a voice over and make sure they get to say this. If they want to say something, but to wrangle it all, it's, it gets easier every show. But it is hard.

It is a job where you wake up 7 a.m. and I have to think all day. Movies are really hard, but it's more just leg work. Being on a set every day, laying around all day, memorizing lines. It's memorizing and staying awake and then the movies are fun, but they beat the shit out of you. This one, at least I go home and I can have dinner. Right. Movies, I'm on the set all day.

What happened at the mall with the star search? You got it or you didn't get it? No, I got, I got a shine on that. And then when I started to do, okay, you didn't get it. Didn't get it. Finally got to LA. Couldn't get on. How'd they let you know in the mail?

They didn't say jack shit. I asked Ted Saranda's once from Netflix, you know, this guy, he's one of the big bosses there. He's from Arizona, a very cool guy for that job. He's always so cool and collected. I can't believe it. One time somebody, this big name guy, I was like, oh shit, that guy pitched you a show. And he goes, yeah, and he's a friend of his.

And he goes, but it didn't work out. We passed. And I go, why'd you tell him? And he goes, nothing. And I think he said, you know, if you go to the store to buy a suit and you don't want it, you don't go back and tell him you don't want it. Right. I figured out.

Damn. I go, whoa. And I think he said that I'm trying to, I'm trying to, I thought it was cool. I go, fuck man. Because you know, they're the new sheriff in town. Yeah. I wonder and I got a question right here from the ball to them and it sometimes you just don't know.

Oh, wait, let me hear this. I think if I, I think if I turn it up loud enough, you won't have to hold up to your ear. I'll do it. All right. I'll do it. Yeah. It's up to you.

What's up, David? What was your worst date that you ever had and what is the best way to get out of the bad date without being a jerk gang gang gang, brother, he gave you a gang gang at the end and he's from Poland. He didn't mention, but he didn't call in from Poland that he lives here. No, he lives in Poland. He said that. Yeah.

And he hears this. Yeah. This dumb fucking joke. Thank you, brother. I don't know how to say thank you in Poland, but thank you very much. Oh, two things. Okay. What was your worst date?

Which God, there's so many. You've been on, I bet you've been on some, some fucking reekers, bro. Oh yeah. I'm the bad part of it. Oh, yeah. But still, dude, sometimes you have to take yourself out of the equation. Have you ever, has it just been so bad where you'll tell a girl straight up, this is bad? I'm an old.

I, you know, listen, if it's bad on, I can tell they don't like me or it's not clicking. You know, at this point in your life, you realize everyone's trying, everyone's means well. And you just, I would try to start with lunch or something, then you can just tap out after and be polite, never be rude. And then when it goes their separate ways, it just doesn't, you know, it's too mean. I've had it done to me so many times. If some girl would actually like me more, which is weird because when you're in a position

of getting like, you know, you get DMs and shit from girls and to tell someone you don't like them or don't want to go to them is very weird. Yeah. Very weird position. I was never in it. Cause girls, it was always the other way girls would tell you, just to give you the vibe or they wouldn't call like the Sarandos thing. One girl about 10 years ago said, uh, we're at the rainbow room, just cool little joint.

And she goes, uh, she said she was an actress, right? So about halfway through, is that noise, is that you? It's me. That elevators me. Oh, what do you have in half of a part of a Twix? Yeah. Oh nice. Twix.

People like when you chew and talk. My mom used to eat paydays cause they were like, kind of like the healthy candy bar because of being up. I get it. And she wouldn't let us watch her eat them. She would eat them by herself in her room. That's weirder. Um, I used to put paydays in the toilet and then say I was sick and I couldn't go to school.

So, uh, they break apart. So, uh, I go to this, I go to the rainbow room and this girl's like, yeah. And then her phone's like, hmm, hmm, hmm, and she goes, yeah, shit, it's work. I go, oh, she goes, I have to go to the valley. There's a fallout on an anal scene. No way. I go, oh, you're a adult porn actress. She goes, yeah.

I go, yeah, she goes, I should probably go, gotta pick that up, you know. Jesus. I go, hey, works, work, you know. And she's like, but I'll probably be done by midnight. If I go, you know what, let's put a pin in that and we'll, uh, pick this up later. Why don't you just do tonight, do your thing. And I'm like, well, there's twice I've been, I've run into porn people. Yeah.

I ran into a hooker once, I didn't know it was a hooker and I ran into two girls that did porn, I didn't know. But porn's way common, I mean, out here. Porn's pretty common. A lot of girls out here is more, you get in and see a lot of women that are more of the sugar daddy style. It's like dating, you know. It's a blurry line.

I'm gonna date with you for a couple hundred bucks, I'll go on a date with you and see what happens. A bit of a hybrid hooker. My friend does what's your price, you know what that is? The great sales pitch is he goes, what's your price? You ever seen a girl, it's so pretty at the coffee shop, you wish you'd go on one date with her, you could win her over. Well you can.

So he goes on a site and all these pretty girls and you go, hey, how much does it cost to take you to dinner? And they're like 300 bucks. He does this all the time. I've seen the girls. They meet him for dinner, 300 bucks and then they leave and he pays them and they go, no love connection. It's like a business.

Or they say for another 500, I'll give you a hand job in the car, you know. Sometimes you take some home. Yeah, mostly it's just like girls want to make some money, they go, I'll go to dinner with you and sit with you. And some guys want to just puff up and go to fucking catch and be like, look who I got. Take a hottie out there. A little arm candy old school. Yeah.

I was going to catch that one time. How do we catch this time? Yeah. I'll take care of you, man. We have fun. I did feel like arm candy. Yeah, we did have fun, man. You were my arm candy, right?

That place. Uh. I mean, I remember watching you were really even walking out and you would see like, like I had like a couple of people that were like, oh, hey, that's Theo Bon. You know, like a couple of like comedy fans, but you, it's definitely a different thing. It feels like a little bit, it almost feels spooky. I feel like being at your level of popularity. Oh, that's nice.

I mean, I think by this point you'll learn that you can get a big head about it, but there's always so many people doing better than you. Right. So many times he did things didn't work that you wanted that I think right now most people know me without even sounding cocky, just after all this time, they've seen you in something, but they don't always like you. So people get pictures and they rise to you and say, look at this fucking asshole. Yeah.

Uh, but yeah, that's the difference about popularity from like podcasts and stuff is people are a little bit more engaged with who you are as a person, I feel like, you know, and so it's like, well, you're very real. You've got a different thing, which is I think you're interesting because you have your comedies like that. You think there'd be more like this. There's not just like guys, here's me and you have an interesting life. Some people could do this and it wouldn't be fun to hear you have a good spin on it.

You're funny down deep. And then you, uh, have an interesting past and present. It works. It's good. It's true. I think that's your whole thing, why it works. And I, I, one guy tried to trip me up in an interview and then I probably have to book it too.

Okay. Fucking Brea. Um, one guy said, when do you think you were the most famous such a weird question. And what he meant that the real answer was now because of cumulative from everything I've done. And there's more people that now would know me now, of course, shows are in reruns. This, you know, right rules of engagement. Just shoot me SNL and then all the movies on TBS every day at 3pm.

Oh yeah. Something's on with me. So there's that, but he meant, I think I did the, the old days cover Rolling Stone cover of entertain weekly cover TV guide. That's what he was getting at, but that was a while ago. So it was more, so it was a loaded question that you weren't still as famous. I guess, I mean, you could ask anyone that and there's times when you could point to where, you know, it's really like up and down your career, you know, I mean, you know,

if something come out for two years, then you do, then it doesn't really work. Then two years later, something big. So it's never going to be like straight level line. Some years are better than others, but overall it did make, it did make me think. I'm like, wow, that is a weird question. I don't know. But as long as you, I think the hard thing is still doing shit and making a living year after year is hard.

So if you can do that, it's already praise anyone other. Some of my friends are still just road comics, but they're doing it and it's hard and they bring in a crowd and they get their bills paid and like, fuck, it's hard, man. Do it. Good job. Um, one last question. We have the new SNL cast member. We just wanted to, you want to ask that, Nick?

Yeah. Uh, well, just more of a topic for you guys to chew on, uh, SNL yesterday announced three new SNL cast members. Oh yeah. Chloe Fineman, uh, Bowen Yang, who's the first, uh, East Asian descent, at first people were saying first Asian, but, uh, Rob Schneider is Filipino. Um, so people got upset about that. Okay.

It's gonna be a little specific. Sneaky Rob, I love him sneaking in with that, with the Filipino. I'm West USA. They're really breaking it down. Uh, and Shane Gillis and hours after he was announced, uh, Twitter mob. Somebody dug into him. They tried to ruin his life and a resurface video from his podcast came up where he used the word shink.

He was like kind of playing like a character. They were talking about how- Did he say that? I looked at that little clip. I thought they were saying like, Japanese people feel like they're number one and Koreans feel not as good as, is that what he, is that what you're talking about? Yeah. It is.

I have the clip right here. Whatever. But it's definitely, I don't know, it's going to be tough for him because that playing against, they just hired an Asian guy. They did? Yeah. That was the first Asian they hired. Yeah.

Right. So it's one of the three guys they hired. Yeah. So one's getting all this praise. Bo and Yang. Oh, I see what you're saying. And then the other guy, they dig up something where he says something seemingly against that.

Like, I don't even know if he'll survive. It's, you know what I mean? I don't know. He put it on apology. He said, I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries. I sometimes miss. If you go through my 10 years of comedy, most of it bad, you're going to find a lot of bad misses.

I am happy to apologize to anyone who's actually offended by anything I've said. My intention is never to hurt anyone, but I'm trying to be the best comedian I can be. And sometimes that requires risks. Yeah. And how do we expect people to evolve if they don't have a past, if they don't have any timeline? You know, it's like, I feel like the online mob has just become, it's just a mob. That's what it is.

It has no understanding. It has no care or concern for it. Well, it's very, it's, it's hard to just remove people from their job and life. And some people get angry about different things and just want someone's life done. And they don't see the after effects like that is, people go kill themselves. Take everything away from someone. Now I don't even know about this case in particular, I don't know enough about it, but in general, as a comedian, you know, used to try to be edgy and that was the whole thing five years

ago. That's what you want to do. Bits no one else is doing. You don't want to steal material. What's your take on this, you're taking this and oh, you pushed it. Oh, that bit's fucking crazy. You did. And now if someone could go look those up and say, you went too far defending me and

now you're out. Yeah. And that's a tough, weird time to be a comedian. It's hard. It's just hard. Every day on my show, I go, I hope I didn't say something because I'm just trying to get a fucking laugh in that one second moment. Right.

Believe me, I don't believe in everything I say. I just say it to get a laugh. You want to shock people. You want to say crazy stuff. The monologue, a lot of the stuff, I'm like, oh, this is great. Yeah. I mean, some people that like comedy like it and then everyone in the writers is like, do it, do it.

But I have to think about myself and go, I don't want something to happen over. But how do you get a new show off the ground? How do you be different? You don't want reviews to go, it's the same fucking shit because there's probably seven jokes we're still allowed to use that everyone's like, I'm okay with that one. You can do it. Yeah. It's like reviewers.

I mean, just if reviewers don't like you or what you represent just by being a living human. Yeah, they hate you anyway. So it's almost, it's hard to get ahead and make a name. Yeah, reviewers can need a bag of ass, bro, I think, or an ass bag or whatever they call it. Now it's just 30 million reviewers on Twitter and Instagram every day. You hear about like my last show I did on Old sitcoms, there weren't people on Twitter

and Instagram. So now everyone's like, here's what I think. I'm like, okay. So I listen to it. I mean, some of you here and some hurt my feelings. Yeah. But I think that the noise has been so, it's just so, it's happened so much now that it's just almost become a death.

It's hard. Yeah. I mean, there's comics like Chappelle's Special or Bill Burr. Burr's Press, all this plastic. There's some people, they get away with it and that's great. I think people can again. It's just comedy. Yeah.

You just have to be, I think you have to be smart. It's hard. I hope it just sort of blows over because I don't want to see the end of people doing comedy. I know. Yeah. What'll happen, man? I want to go to the mall and audition.

By the way, to wrap up that story about a couple years later, I got the Young Comedians Special and I think the next day they said, oh, you got Star Search too and I had to turn down Star Search and I was like, oh, fuck, I was waiting all this time for that. They said you can't do both. So I missed it. You had to let it go. Had a look. And that was something you thought it would.

It was going to be your break. Yeah. Do people ever think you're red pit? Everybody ever come up to you and thought you were red pit? A kid did the other day. Yeah. He literally is like about 80. He goes, were you in World War Z?

I go, no, but I want to kiss you for that. Oh, damn. Yeah. He took off your glasses and he realized what a bad joke he was. I go, oh, you're eight. He's like, oh, are you Kevin Hart? Yeah. But the worst is if Brad Pitt ever gets it, he must be like, no, I'm not that fucking.

Brad Pitt's one of the few guys I've run into out there that's a big star and he's a fucking cool dude. Yeah? He's a fucking cool cat. I mean, I don't see him a lot, but. Yeah. For that fame to be cool, shocking. Yeah.

How would you even do it? David Spade, thanks so much for coming in, man. All right. Thanks. I guess we just wrap it up and say thanks for having me and you got a good fan base out there. I'm glad to talk to him. Yeah.

No, man. I appreciate you coming in. I hope you crush it tonight at Braille. Where else are you going to be in the next couple of... Oh, I got a Mirage October 4th and 5th that weekend at the Vegas. Oh, nice. Yeah. I do that.

I'm doing a couple of weekends before the end of the year. Yeah. And have fun. You did it. Yeah. Like, great. Dude, that room is the best. This place is fun.

Yeah. Me and Ray Romano, it's great. Oh, wow. We've done it. We did it last year. It's super fun. Oh, yeah. You told me about that.

I think you told me about that. So you guys are both going to be on, say, just half and half kind of? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Then I got Houston Improv coming up and I haven't looked that many gigs just because of shows so fucking overwhelming. Yeah.

But I'll be out there shaking my crummy ass. I love it. Staying busy. Thanks, brother. All right. See you guys. Bye. Bye.

Thank you. Bye. Bye.