This Past Weekend - Dead Man's Curve | This Past Weekend #88

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

Back from Lousiana. Talking childhood birthday parties, daycare, and in flight erections. Music: Celebrate by Spencer Jacob https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRfasFYePJo Greyblock Pizza: https://www.greyblockpizza.com Beach Body Free Trial: Text TPW to 303030 Beach Body Programs: https://www.beachbodyondemand.com/programs Check out listener Joe’s “New Car Smell” air fresheners at http://originalfactoryscent.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theovon ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theo Von: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deer Gunters: Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Ben Limes Alexis Caniglia Stoody Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk megan Wrynn Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Ken Melvin Lorell “Loretta†Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunhamac Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's Monday, April 16th. It's Monday, April 16th. This is some day, man. It's another day that these, uh, that the sun and the moon and whoever else made Poseidon, Transformers, Voltron, everybody. Everybody making it happen Everybody making it happen

Good to be here with you guys I just, let's get into it I just got back from my hometown I was down there in Covington, Louisiana And man, we were shooting a pilot for this uh, from my hometown, you know, I was down there in Covington, Louisiana down there. And man, we were shooting a pilot for this, for this project. It's like a low key small town detective series. So, you know, big time shows, they have like dateline murder mystery. You got to really murder somebody. You got to, you know, you got to chop off somebody's arm or steal

somebody's wig or, but with their head hooked to it to really make a real crime. But in this show that we were pitching, it's more about small town mystery, crime, paranormal. You know, the kind of shit that, you know, you don't know what happened. You know what I'm saying? You played hide and go seek and one dude y'all never found. But if you go out in the woods at night, you can still hear him counting. That kind of stuff. Somebody stole a pie off of somebody's windowsill.

And then suddenly everybody had diabetes in the whole town. A bunch of lice came through. And things got crazy. A bunch of lice came through and they made it with termites. And next thing you know, they had people, they had little bugs that were eating houses and making people itch.

So it's that kind of show where you go into small towns and you investigate what could be happening. So that's what I did, man. I just got back today. And we had a good time. We had a good time down there in Co I did, man. I just got back today. And we had a good time. We had a good time down there in Covington, Louisiana.

And what have you guys been up to, man? What have you guys been up to? What have you been up to in your life? What's going on? Somebody had a birthday this weekend. You know, sometimes things happen so fast. I don't know if it's because I'm older or because you get used to doing things. But things happen so fast, it's not that I can't enjoy them. It's just that, I don't know, I guess I've just gotten used to them.

Remember when you first went over to somebody's house for a birthday party? Huh, you remember that? Remember it was like, oh, um, you know, Kenneth is having a party and you got an invitation. Remember that shit? You got an invitation. And that shit said Kenneth's house. Or if his parents were divorced, you'd be like Kenneth's dad's house. 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. That shit only lasted an hour. When you were a kid, boy, that shit lasted one hour. And dude, you got up early.

You got up early as hell. And a lot of times, if we had to get somebody a gift, what my mom would do is say, look around the house, find something Kenneth would like. And that was like a test as to how greedy you were or not, because, you know, good and well, I'm not giving Kenneth a nice shit. You know, good and well, I ain't giving little little little itchy ass Kenneth, the good shit. I'm not giving him a new toy that I hadn't opened or, you know, some money or anything. So I go around the house, bro. Come back to my mama about maybe an hour later. Have something all just in a little box or bag.

My mom looking there, it would just be like my bed sheet just fold it up i'd be like this is for kenneth i'm like what the fuck you're giving kenny their bed sheet that's insane go find something else for kenneth and you would do something wild you would maybe break kenneth off a couple cheese slices or something. You know, or maybe something, you know, you wrap him up a couple of batteries or something. It was just different. You find anything around the house. Oh, Kenneth will love this Phillips head screwdriver. The next thing you know, four-year-old Kenneth out there with a Phillips head.

It just, those were the days. But remember that when you went to somebody's party? You were like, Mom, is it time to go yet? She'd be like, no, it's 9am. You'd be like, oh, fuck. What comes after 9? 1pm?

And she'd be like, no. No wonder you wrapped up a bed sheet for Kenneth. But that was it. You were so excited. You would brush, dude, you would brush your hair. You would comb your hair and brush your hair. I remember combing and brushing my shit. Putting that hairspray, dude, because I grew up in the hairspray belt.

You know, you fix all, everybody put hairspray on everything. You know, sometimes if your carpet got real old and mashed down i remember in my neighborhood a lot of mothers would go around with like a will a brillo brush kind of and brush it up and then spray it with hairspray to give it that pop you know to give it give you a step that give you you know put a little bit it will put a little bit of crunch under your bare foot in the house, but it would give your carpet that lift. Make it look fresh and new. Right off that carpet truck.

Because they also had, if you wanted to get carpet, they had a carpet truck about every six months come through. And it would park up there off of Lee Road, down by where I was from. And you'd go up there and pick a color out. And they'd have three or four colors. You know, maybe get you in some... One of the colors would always be fucking crazy. You'd be like, damn, they got a...

They got a fuchsia? So... But you know, a couple sisters come through and grab that fuchsia out of the gate. A couple brothers or a couple loked out white dudes come through and they put carpet in their fucking car i mean it wasn't crazy when i was young to get into somebody's car and have it

fully covered in carpet i mean it was just a different time back then it was just more of a style thing but yeah you remember that birthday party and then there was fucking kenneth gift and that thing was sitting on the table and And man, all morning you had to walk around and just, you were like, fuck man. Why Kenneth getting everything and I ain't getting nothing. And by about 11 a.m. that's what your mom would be hearing. I never get anything. Kenneth gets everything. And meanwhile, you don't even fucking know who Kenneth is. You were one of those second or third degree friends that you just got. That was back when you got invited because you had to.

That was like the old Facebook, four-year-old birthday parties. It was like you had to know people. You had no escape. So 11 a.m., you crying now in the living room. Kenneth's shit is all wrapped up. You can't even remember what you got him. You didn't fucking get him shit. You gave him a couple color pencils that you had you know and maybe a yo-yo. Y'all got a little 40 cent yo-yo or something put it in there. Meanwhile you don't even know Kenneth the dude in your class ain't even got any arms.

So now you fucking getting an armless kid a yo-yo but you're not even there yet. So you crying, you pissed off, your mom's pissed off now. She's yelling, fuck Kenneth, fuck Kenneth's party.

And now you're defending yourself, you're defending Kenneth. Kenneth, his mom is a nice lady. Now your mom's pissed at Kenneth's mom. Your mom starts whooping your ass because you're crying and screaming and fighting in the living room. Now you got your ass beat. Ow. You cry yourself to sleep.

You take about a 40-minute nap. It's 20 to 1. You get up. It's time to go to Kenneth's. And you get to Kenneth's. And, man, the place is lit the place is lit as fuck people got kool-aid uh all colored on their mouth from drinking kool-aid they got that one four-year-old kid he can't even fucking talk yet you know they got another they got one kid sitting by themselves just

looking at the wall they got that kid little andrea you know and they just live in life and somebody's in the backyard and somebody ran and you know they got a sprinkler fucking going and it's a real shithole but it don't matter because this is kenneth's party and those are the days man i remember those days. And we would go to this place called Roller Kingdom. Now, sometime, whenever you got about six or seven, you know, you was able to skate. You had that

ability to skate. And so you go to straight up Roller Kingdom, man. It was dark in there. People touching each other's assholes and everything. All kind of wild shit. I mean, it's so dark you fucking you'll you know you'll lick your you'll lick your sister's titty and in there and that's natural activity out there when you because look man when roller skates come on that shit got me

hard bro i was that little jouster out there on them skates dude I'd be jousting with an erection you know I'd be out there just skating but with that erection and when you're young and you get that erection boy I don't kind of hide it now if I get an erection I'm like ugh somebody's going to complain or start something but when I was young over there by

roller kingdom and I'm popping off you know and I'm sprouting. I'll push my pelvis forward boy. I skate penis first boy. I want everybody to see that I'm here. To battle. The dragon.

And that's how I do it. And those were fun man. I remember little kids parties. Dude one kids house I went over to. I was just about hit puberty. I went over to this one boy's house, and I didn't even go to the fucking party, the party's in the backyard, I saw his sister's bedroom, dude, I stopped in there, had my head in her panty drawer, bro, dude, I had my face in that panty drawer for probably, my face in that panty drawer for probably fuck that

whole hour. That whole hour birthday. Because you know come about 1.55pm boy I heard my mom calling from the living room or honking. My mom was that fucking mom that would pull up and honk. Start honking. She didn't give a fuck about meeting your mom.

She didn't give a damn about meeting your dad. She was like the only single mom. So then all these dads were always trying to meet her and shit and walk me out to the car. My mom didn't give a fuck. My mom wouldn't even stop the car sometimes. She'd slow down as slow as a car could go. Which is maybe about 40 feet every maybe 7 seconds.

She would slow down as slow as you could go. And then you'd have to get in, man. My mom wasn't fucking playing. My mom didn't play. My mom was efficient and pissed off. And that's where I came from. But yeah, this weekend we're back in my hometown, man. And it was kind of crazy going back.

Like we had a crew of about eight of us went down there and this show is like, you know, uh, to like a Scully and Mulder and we, we chase small town crimes, you know, you know, and it could be anything, you know, a house went missing or, you know, they, they find it a bunch of, um, you know, baby doll heads in the woods, that kind of stuff. You know, the dark arts. We're out there chasing it. And in my town, a bunch of monkeys got out. You know, when I was young and a couple other times, a bunch of monkeys got out of the primate center

and they were living and hiding in different places and hiding in the dumpster by the Popeye's chicken. They caught a couple eating pizza. And they're up to some wild shit in my town. You know, they were doing all kinds of lab testing out there, making different hybrid animals. You know what I'm talking about. They have like an alaguan, which is just like an alligator and a swan. Rat crows.

You know, you get that raccoon and that crow. They got everything. And so, you know and in my town they've had rumors of all types of wild activity humansies chimp humans so we got in there and started just asking around man we interviewed people that had been fired from the place from this primate center we interviewed oh the man that was a director there for 30 years we got into it boy we were traveling around we had an old grand marquee and my sidekick this beautiful young uh comedian and we got into it

man so and what else did it make me think of oh i went to my old junior high school and that was pretty cool man that's where i got a lot of my early erections were in junior high so even just getting back in that building it made me feel I guess it made me feel a little bit old uh but it reminded me of some just damn standout erections because I had this early thing this habit when I would get an erection when I was young you know when I was really young I didn't I didn't know what was happening. I would get one and I would put it on, set it on a piece of paper and I'd get my pencil and draw an outline around it and save it, you know, because that way if I went to the doctor, I could show the doctor kind of what was happening, you know,

just show them these, you know, just, you know, these cock sketches. And so I would just outline that sucker and just outline it and do all of that. And my penis had that low-key curve to it, too, out of the gate, I think. You know, I don't know if my penis was really ready to be erect. Because sometimes, you know, some things you're ready for in life and some things you're not. And I don't know if my penis was really ready to be erect when it was. But I think my imagination started reaching out. Reaching for ideas of breasts and vulgarity.

And crotches and all of that. And so my mind was reaching out for these dark arts. And then my penis, your penis will follow your imagination. Your penis is just, it's basically the little brother to your imagination. I mean, it just tags along behind, you know, it's like the shadow of your imagination. And if your imagination is sprung, then that penis starts to dis. But my penis had that low-key curve to it, you know, that little, just like it was trying to just kind of peek around a cabbage ball. You know, like it was just trying to peek around a small cantaloupe.

Like it heard something in the next room, you know, I had that wild boner. But, oh, listen to this. Speaking of boners, okay, I'm on the flight home. And I fell asleep. You know, I fell asleep on the plane of natural causes. And I wake up, there's a lady next to me handing me a blanket. And she said, sir, your body is showing. I'm like, what?

What's going on? And she goes, your body, sir. And I'm looking down. and i'm sprung up you know i'm showing root you know i'm i'm erect because i wear these special pants sometimes when i fly and they um you know keep a lot of blood from going into my legs and everything is sometimes that blood will store up in my wiener and And I'm erect. And this lady's like, I don't want to have to call the flight attendant. Like, what? And I'm thinking at first, I thought, well,

you know, I didn't really, in my mind, I'm like, I just woke up. Like, what am I doing? You know, am I doing something odd or profane? No. And this lady basically is calling me out because I have an erection. Because I'm a natural man on an airplane. And this freaking frump.

I mean, this lady was a straight up frumpkin. You know, looked like a little, she looked kind of like a dude. But like, kind of like, just, kind of, maybe decent legs, kind of. She looked like a full trash bag, but somebody had put like legs on it that had maybe ran a 5K, but about six years ago. You know, she looked like she had just kind of big tits, but not even cool tits. You know, really just more belly hiding in her breasts, really. And she was like just kind of jacked in the chest. You know, this straight up frumpkin.

She was from New York or Jersey or something. Just kind of a know-it-all kind of. And her husband's sitting right there. I'm like, I'm sorry, ma'am. You know, that's a natural thing. You know, I'm sorry. I'm sleeping. And she's like, yeah, well, you know, it's not very appropriate is the word that she used with me.

And that's what shook me. What's not appropriate? I can't have an erection. First of all, bitch, it ain't for you. This ain't your erection. The funny thing is I'd have to fall asleep next to you to even get an erection. Because you look like somebody that just do chest exercises every day. Since they were about 16 months old.

And you got a big old jacked chest and nothing else. And your breasts look all freaking... Your breasts look like two fucking just fat kids asleep in the sun. And one of them got some moles on it and looked like somebody spilled chocolate on one of them chubby boys. And you trying to tell me, and I'm looking at her husband like, dude, you're not gonna, you know,

oh, I got an erection in my sleep, you're not gonna back me up? Fucking white dude. Both of them were white. And it's just like, damn, dude, I looked at that dude, I was like, wow. You're a man. Your wife's sitting here, damn, dude, I looked at that dude. I was like, wow, you're a man.

Your wife's sitting here. And how can I get called out for having an erection? Like that's a crime, bitch. None of us would be here if it wasn't for an erection, you stupid muppet. You frumpkin' latte. Man, if that bitch was a drink, I would spill that bitch, man. Just made me mad, dude. I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to get angry, but I can't get an erection in my sleep anymore in public. And I don't even know if an airplane's public. It's got to be international waters, but air. We're in the freaking sky. I'm halfway to the sun, lady. Don't be shocked if I erect up. Okay? Don't be shocked if my cock starts looking for some hope.

My body's probably scared. I'm 30,000 feet off the earth. And things happen in a man. I mean, you can tell they didn't have any sex like this couple. You know, not that I really have a good one, but it just made me mad. You know what it made me feel like? I mean, I guess it made me feel bad for being like a man or something. Or she was making me feel like, you know, because I had an erection or something that I was being wild.

You know, that I was... You know, like... Damn, I mean, is that what it's come to? You can't even be a man anymore? I had pants on and underpants. You know, that's the correct amount of coverings. You know, and just because... You know, I mean, I... I don't know.

It just made me mad. You know, it obviously made me mad. I'm still don't know. It just made me mad. You know, it obviously made me mad. I'm still upset about it. It just made me mad. You can't, I can't, you know, I'm showing a little. What if somebody's pregnant? They can't show their work? You know, this is just like high school.

I'm showing my work, lady. That's it. This is just like grade school. You know, what if somebody's pregnant? I like um excuse me ma'am you're gonna need to tone that down no i wouldn't say that you know it's this freaking lady it's just some of this attitude out there that like i can't a man can't even be a fucking human you know like there's this crime against men or something? I don't know what this lady's problem was. And plus, I got a decent wiener.

You know, I got that short fat. But that thing big, boy, it's like that fucking fat dude at school. You know, and after the 9th or 10th grade, he quit coming to school because he was just too, he got too big, you know? They didn't make enough shirts locally that could really partner with him to get him

comfortably in a school when he would just stay at the house topless and do homeschool but still learn. And people would go visit him on the weekends and stuff until people started to forget about him. But that's what I got that short fat. You know, I got that young mayoral candidate. And just because I'm bringing heat and this lady's over here frosty as hell I should have said man I wish I would have said something

I wish I would have said something you know it just makes me just makes me mad anyway I didn't mean to harp on that but damn it's a crime to get and you know what's funny is I felt like this a couple months ago. I was somewhere and I got an erection.

This is during the, you know, when the Me Too Time's Up stuff was, you know, when every celebrity suddenly, you know, was a victim of rape and everything. You know, it's amazing how many celebrities will jump on that ship immediately. You know, I was, it's like, we've all been, everybody's been sexually abused, it seems like. In some way, I mean, here's one thing. We've all been abused. Why don't we just agree there? So we can, it's like, it's like everybody's trying to out be abused.

It's like, oh, I've been abused, I've been abused, I've been abused, you know? You know, I was, well, I was molested by, you know, one of my favorite lambs. We had some lambs. And I was molested by him at church during school. By my stepmother's grandmother's father. In the past and the future on drugs. Yes, it happened to me too. I'm not shunning the movement, but it's just

like, you know, it's like everything's just everything's just a part of, you know, like this guy Comey or whatever is coming out about the election, you know, something about Trump and they're in a big fight. I don't trust any of these Muppets. I never trusted any of them since I was a kid. Politicians, dude. You know, I remember

growing up, when you're poor, politicians don't give a fuck about you. They don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter what color you are. I mean, they say when you're poor politicians don't give a fuck about you they don't give a fuck it doesn't matter what color you are i mean they say that they do they don't give the same problems have been around in america since i was a kid you know these politicians aren't doing anything it's just a little show that's what i think but these combing all these people are all fighting dude i think it's hilarious i think it's all the wwe now but then everybody suddenly everybody's selling that I think it's all the WWE now. But then suddenly everybody's selling that book. Oh, here's the book about it.

You know there's no truth if there's a book attached to it. How much is truth? And how much is PR, boy? But they, um, what the fuck was I going to talk about? Oh, I remember this. Dude, one thing I noticed, man, I miss gravel driveways. It's just something I hadn't seen in so long, man. We got out into the sticks, dude. We went and interviewed a friend of mine's brother while we were in my town.

This dude, man, he had the slowest drawl when he would say, come on. He'd be like, come on. Man, it had me laughing so hard. Come on. Come on. But they had gravel driveways. Remember gravel driveways? That shit was lit.

Somebody was upset. You went outside and you were upset, you could grab a piece of your driveway and fucking throw it at somebody how awesome was that you can't do with this concrete you got to have a hammer you got to have all of this shit you got to have a slingshot you know or like a buddy to one of those big huge slingshots you could have three people to even you know fire off a piece of that big granite or whatever. Driveway granite. But when I was a kid, boy, you walk outside, somebody pissed you off, you pick up a piece of your fucking driveway and throw it at that motherfucker. Oh, it was cool. I missed that. Oh, you ho.

Oh, really? Really? Really? Pick that thing up. Dude, most of us, half the time we were outside, all we did was stand around throwing rocks at a stop sign. If you've ever done that, boy, then we have a lot in common. And I don't care what color you are, white, black, Latino, you know, different color. One thing that was pretty cool, I was at my middle school this uh or my junior high

school this past uh weekend and you know a girl that i used to have a you know a little bit of a crush on and used to take you know i used to ride to school with her sometimes and her mother would give me a ride to school they she's going to be the principal soon and one of the last teachers that still works there from when i went to school there is retiring this year, Mr. Heidelberg, and he used to run the low-key special kids. He'd be running all these special kids, and that's where that dude Brian St. Pierre, that's where this young dude, he was the first white kid that wanted to be black ever, and they put him in learning

disabled classes because they'd never seen it before so you know you had kids with real learning disabilities and then you had freaking you know Brian St. P just wearing this Charlotte Hornet starter pullover you know just shooting invisible jumpers all day on the backs of mentally handicapped kids

you know just doing fake dunks on people that was drooling and running life like that. But Heidelberg is retiring. That dude's retiring. But we went on to, what did I want to say? Oh, we went, yeah, we went on to the old school. We just got to walk around my old school. And it was just, you know, it was unique to be an adult now. When I was at the school, they said that one thing that they don't have much of anymore is they don't have as much racial tension as they used to when I was a kid. And that was pretty cool to hear. Because at the school, it was probably maybe, I felt like it was like 60-40 white-black for kids.

And that's all they had. We didn't have a lot of other diversity. Now there's a little bit more. that's all they had. You know, I didn't have a lot of, we didn't have a lot of other diversity. Now there's a little bit more, but, uh, but it was really cool to hear, um, you know, this young lady and this, uh, this other gentleman who are, who are, you know, teaching at the school and who are, you know, potential principal that, um, that they don't have that as much anymore. The kids just don't think about it. You know, it's not as much of a thing. So, you know, I think, you know, it's just good to hear because that's the truth. If that's coming out of a small town, then that's the truth. And these aren't two people that would say anything

to me to make me believe anything different. You know, I mean, I'm still not saying that it's easy for some people, but I know that it's nice to hear, you know, from an educator, you know, from educators that I personally trust, that at young levels that a lot of kids aren't thinking about that kind of stuff anymore. You know, I can't imagine what that's like. Because the truth is, the future of the world, man, it's beige. It's beige power. Because if you drive by people at night, if you look off in the distance and people are fucking at night, everybody's a little bit mixed now.

You know, you do everything. You know, even if somebody's still a little bit racist, they'll yell at somebody to get out of their yard for being one color, but then they'll close the door and practice the moonwalk. You know, or practice some bachata or macarena. You know what I'm saying? Like everybody's, it's all merging. You know, it's that beige power. That's what I say. Beige power. It's all merging. What else, man? Oh, I thought about this, dude. Why does every small town have a dead man's curve in it? How about this?

Don't have that. That'd be a great idea because people are dying. And if anything, it even tempts young people. They're like, oh, dead man's curve. Here it comes. And that's how it rolls out how about don't have for some reason every ever like whenever we're driving around with all these little little places here and there i mean they have towns by me called bush sun blonde just one word towns big branch that's named after a fucking stick i mean these

are all towns right over by me. And we're going into them and everyone has a dead man's curve on the way in. Beware of dead man's curve. How about don't fucking have that. Just have the street start to curve a little earlier and just have kind of like a little

bit of a bend for a longer period of time. There's something about small towns. They love that. They love to have that chance. They love to have that chance of death. There ain't much to do. Let's fucking take dead man's curve at about 45. See if the Lord wants us this week.

Man, I had a good time. So that's what I did this past weekend. I want some of you guys to hit the hotline and just, you know, every now and then, you know, we have the contest as to what you did this past weekend. I want some of you guys to hit the hotline. Every now and then, we have the contest as to what you did this past weekend. We'll give out one of these Correctional Center Blue t-shirts every month. We still have to mail one to the first dude, but don't worry, man. It's coming. I've been out of town a bunch. But we're doing that, so don't worry.

But hit the hotline with what happened in your past weekend 985-664-9503 and let us know if something good happened, if something bad happened let us know it's just got to be 60 seconds or less and each month we'll put together the voicemails and we'll give away a prize we might be adding some other prizes to that as well we're going to bring Nick in in a minute

and talk about some things. What else happened to me? Oh, I'll tell you this. When I was young, and if you're on YouTube, it just got a little dark in here, but that's because the powers went out. When I was young, I got hit by a

Pontiac Firebird. When I was young, I got hit by a Pontiac Firebird. And I don't know if anybody out there has ever been hit by a Pontiac Firebird. When I was young, I got hit by a Pontiac Firebird. And I don't know if anybody out there has ever been hit by a car. And if you have, you know, we're, I guess we're Eskimo twins. But I got hit. I mean, that thing, I was young. You know, and I was just left running across the street.

My mother had just told me something. And I went back to listen to her, and then I took off running again. Bam, got lit up on that thing. And you can still see on my calf, on one of my calves, like by the side, there's still a, you know, there's kind of a soft spot there in my bone where that thing hit me probably doing about 38.

And I respected that it was doing 38 miles an hour because if you're doing anything less than a 35 and a damn Pontiac Firebird then or Trans Am then I couldn't even respect you you know if I get hit by a damn Trans Am going six miles an hour I mean I would feel like a little bitch but you hit somebody at 38 you know that actually you know it's not great but it does a little something for me a little bit of street credit and that's what i got you know i got that street credit and it was beautiful man i mean this is back in the day this is an 85 or 86 this is back when those things would go 0 to 60 in about almost about 9.2 seconds. 2.5 liter.

You know, 5 p.m. Kind of 5 p.m. blue. Or whatever color it was. Midnight black. Whatever it is. I don't know. Man, I remember. I just remember.

I remember just seeing the car. That's all I remember. Beautiful. Beautiful car. But yeah, those are some of the things that popped into my head going home, going home to a small town and just realizing that people just like a slower way of life. People liked, I mean, I remember I got impatient. I'm waiting in line. Everything's kind of, people just like a slower way of life and it feels good. It felt good to relax. We're going to get into some news. We're going to get into some of you guys' calls. Nick is here. We also have another

producer that's Chris Perez. He's coming in. Not today, but I think we're going to do a couple interviews this week. If you We have that Greyhound breakdown we're going to do this week. If you have a story about Greyhound, something that happened to you on Greyhound, we're going to do this week. So if you have a story about Greyhound,

something that happened to you on Greyhound, hit us up at the hotline, 985-664-9503, and leave a voicemail, let us know what happened. And also, if there's something good that happened to you. You know, there's a lot of joy that happens on Greyhound. I saw two people get, not married, but I saw two people get annulled. I saw a marriage, I think, get annulled. Annulment. You know know and that's beautiful when you get off at one stop

and your ex gets off at another and you got your whole future ahead of you it's kind of beautiful so you know there's some good things that happen so if you have something good that happened hit the hotline as well and we'll get involved in all of that this weekend I'm going to be in New Jersey at Bananas

Comedy Club and Bananas Comedy Club. And Bananas is a comedy club in Hasbrook Heights. You can come through. That's April 20th and 21st. As well, I will be at Clusterfest in San Francisco, June 1st through 3rd. Cherokee Casino out in West Siloam, Oklahoma. And that's June 9th. Calgary, June 15th and 16th at Yuck Yucks in Canada.

And Tembler Brewing Company in Bakersfield, June 23rd. The new website should be going live this week where you guys can get involved in more stuff and see more of what's going on. All tickets and everything available at theovon.com. Man, what a week. I'm just tired, dude. I fucking get tired. But I am happy to be able to come home and be here with you guys.

And I want to get to some of y'all's calls and think about some things with you guys and hear what's going on in your life. So also, another weird thing. I'm sorry to keep telling you to hit the hotline, but if you wanted to hit the hotline, just tell me what you do. Who are you? Who are you that listens to this podcast? Hey, Theo, my name is so-and-so, and this is what I do for a living.

And I have, you know, one or two or three or four kids or no kids or, you know, I'm homosexual or I'm straight edge or I'm asexual or I'm, you know, I just died in a fire. I'm a ghost, whatever. Hit the hotline. Let me know who you are. If you feel like it. Sometimes I just want to know who listens so I can know that. All right, we'll be back literally.

There's going to be no commercial break. We're going to stop right now and then we're going to be back. We're going to roast a couple of songs as well. See you in a second. And we are back. Let's play one of the songs that came in. Nick Davis is in here with me.

Yes, sir. This is a Theo Von track by Billy the Kid. We are out here to laugh, to joke. Damn, somebody sent this in, huh? We are out here to laugh, to joke. Want your tit lit, man. Damn. damn this sounds uh like drug use like drug use

all right cut that off who's that from that is billy the kid that's billy the kid sent that in and that is uh what did it sound like that sound like some dude looking for something in a library i feel like yeah something it sounded like he's on drugs walking through a library looking for a book yeah when i was young i was in the library and some uh they had a boy and he could have been japanese or he could have just been kind of you know just local and he um set my hair on fire one time at a library and one of my friends had to beat my hair out with a periodical because it was pretty lit um yeah and that was you know that's back though honestly when life was more fun so that's what's crazy you know that that's childhood it's supposed to be more fun but that's the kind of shit that was, you know, that's back though, honestly, when life was more fun. So that's what's crazy, you know, that that's childhood.

It's supposed to be more fun, but that's the kind of shit that was going down. And they buried one kid, and thank God everybody fucking dug him up. What else, man? What else is going on? Let's get into some of the news, man. Thank you guys for being here with us. Nick just stepped in, and we got some news, some calls, right? What do we have on?

Yes, sir. We got some news first. There's some heavy stuff went down, but some lighthearted stuff as well. First of all, President Donald Trump ordered a military strike on Syria early Saturday in coordination with France and Britain. The White House intended the strike to deter Syrian President Bashar al-Assad from using chemical weapons after a suspected attack using sarin and chlorine gas killed dozens of people last week in the rebel stronghold of Douma. Wow. East of Damascus. That's crazy, man.

So they ordered a military strike? Yes, sir. And they got it. Yeah, and we had the approval of France and Britain, our allies. Huh. Well, let's see. Look, man. I mean, it's like, what are you going to do?

I mean, i know they were using gases and stuff over there on children and you saw pictures of that if that's true then i mean it just is it's just uncalled for you know it's uncalled for so i know the only thing is these days how do you like go about like making sure nobody gets hit and this this sort of thing but then i think that that's where you get away from like some of the country mentality and just get into like an individual mentality like when i was young it was just like you know us against another country do you remember that yes yeah it was like russia you just didn't you didn't think about like each person and it's probably not the best way to you know in some ways it wasn't very humane probably because you're not thinking about each individual human but then that was i think you know we're still coming off of a

colonial time where people were like you know taking each other's land and you know does that make any sense you think yes definitely it's very confusing who's associated with who were bombing syria but it's somewhat to get to Iran and Russia. It's yeah, definitely. It seemed like more black and white back in the day. But sometimes I look, I like a little something.

It almost makes you feel, you know, makes you want to, uh, makes you want to, you know, hug your lady or fucking, you know, jerk off in a neighbor's neighbor's mailbox or something or do something wild.

Uh, because when I, you know, I feel like when the missiles hit the air, sometimes it makes you just feel a little bit more alive is that weird no it's uh end times you gotta gotta have you have your fun at the end yeah they say if you're trapped in a freezer somebody told me this one time that you're trapped in a freezer that you could that you can stay erect for like it's it's almost impossible not to stay erect because your body starts to think you're that you're dying and that it wants to procreate and the same thing like in a fire like as you're

burning you'll get an erection man i would hate to see you on fire while you're in a plane you what kind of erection you'd have then oh that's a good one if a plane's going down boy somebody's getting that free hit uh what else we got uh Former First Lady Barbara Bush is in failing health, and she has decided not to seek further treatment. A source close to the family said the 92-year-old former First Lady is being cared for at her home in Houston and has decided she does not want to go back to the hospital. She has been on oxygen for some time,

and she's currently joined by her family, including former president george hw bush oh that's it and uh former governor jeb bush and former president w bush huh man that's i always thought that she looked like shit honestly um you know and that's, you know, she, but she's probably seemed like a nice lady. I just always thought that she, you know, that George W. Bush didn't chase a lot of hotties. You know, but that's back when, I mean, he kind of took that Rosie the Riveter type of chick, that tough. She looked like she could have been early MMA. Early grassroots type of stuff. Maybe she fought in Charleston a couple times.

Maybe she fought in Lexington. Maybe she fought over in Birmingham or Meridian, Mississippi. Maybe one time got out to Oklahoma for some sort of battle of the bulge. Middle of the country sort of thing.

She looks like she definitely could have probably cut a have fist fought she looks like kind of a tough broad definitely definitely i could see her fighting don fry one of their early ufc stars oh yeah or uh big kamala remember that guy yes yeah um okay who else man what else anything else in the news let's see uh a daycare worker reportedly built a drug den inside a Missoula, Montana YMCA learning center. Ooh. The facility's laundry room was outfitted with a battery-powered light, makeshift curtains, shelves, and an air filter, and a small glitter case containing snort tubes, lighters- Gang, gang, dude.

A glass pipe and a vial of methamphetamine were all found. There you go, man. Well, and i and i've always figured this daycare and drug use how can you should you can't outlaw it because you're telling me you're gonna drop your fucking kids off by me and look most of these daycares dude i used to work at one. I think it was called AOK Ranch or some fake name. And people would drop their kids off all day. We had them in a long, it was a trailer. It was basically an empty trailer that we'd put different like letters, alphabet on the wall. And we didn't even have all the fucking letters. We had to draw some of the letters on the wall. So we had some real letters,

some drawn on letters or painted on. And then we had kids age four to I think 12 all in the same room in this big trailer. We would watch movies and they would change clothes behind these men's and women's curtains in the back and we'd take them to swim in this big cistern that somebody had spilled a bunch of damn flour or powder in.

And so the water was all chalky. So we'd take them down the hill to swim in there. Dude, who even knew it was in that shit, bro? You couldn't see the bottom. The bottom was literally only about 14 inches away. And then one time this man named Wild Bill would come down. He'd take photos of the kids and stuff, you know, for like about three weeks. So I go to my boss one day, Big Tiff, this lady that ran it.

And I was like, you know, do we ever get to see the pictures from Mr. Bill? And she's like, who's Mr. Bill? And I'm like, the photographer. She's like, we don't have a photographer. She's like, you know, we don't even have electricity here in the front building. I'm like, well, fuck, boy, somebody's been coming down. We've been posing with them. Dude, we were doing pyramids and like throwing kids up in the air and stuff. And, you know,

it's just, so you're telling me that these people are watching kids all day and they can't do a little bit of dope here or there, take a hit. And here's the thing, as a parent, you know what you're getting when you drop your kid off. You can tell when you, if you get there and they got a little fence or something or the lady has pepper spray around her neck, you know what the fuck you're getting into. So I don't blame the people that are working there trying to have a

side hustle, make a little bit of dope. It's tough times. Do I think that they should be doing that around kids and cooking up methamphetamines around kids? No, I don't. But do I blame them they should be doing that around kids and cooking up methamphetamines around kids? No, I don't. But do I blame them for trying to run two businesses at the same time and not being sure which way to go? You know, I don't, I understand it because it's, it's hard.

Nobody wants your shitty kids. Because here's the thing. A lot of times though, kids are either good. Like I find my brother's kids sometimes are good when they're around me, and they'll be badder when they're around him. But sometimes that's not the case, man. You know, and if these people need to, you know, have a side hustle, then do it. I mean, I'm glad that she didn't have the kids involved in it, though.

Now, that for me is, that's a no-no. What else do we have? Now that for me is a no-no. What else do we have? Actor Will Ferrell escaped from a violent car crash relatively unscathed. The actor suffered minor injuries after the SUV he was riding in flipped over on a Los Angeles freeway late Saturday night. Wow. We're going to the quad. Could you imagine that if Will Ferrell got into a car accident by you?

The weird thing about some celebrities, it's hard not to run up on them and, I think, expect them to make you laugh. Like, what if you ran up to Will Ferrell? He's dying. You have to do CPR on him. I think I'd be laughing to him. Like, it would seem like he was joking. He was coming back from a San Diego Funny or Die event, and he was in character as Ron Burgundy. So, I don't know if when they got hit he was in character, but again, it just adds to it.

Yeah, if he rolls out as Ron Burgundy, I mean, there's no way, you know. And he's coming back from San Diego. I mean, it all kind of fits. There's no way. He's like, what's that, Baxter? There's cheese in the orphan's bedroom? All right, cool.

Let's get to a couple of calls, man. What do we got, Nick? We got Bryce. What's up, Theo? This is Bryce from Fresno. Okay. Thank you for calling, Bryce. I appreciate you hitting the hotline onward.

I just wanted to tell you a little bit about what's going on with me. This past weekend, me and my wife, we made an offer to buy a home. And we're really excited, man. It's a big deal for us. And especially with me, like, buying a house in my family, like, that's not too common, you know. And my grandma, she unfortunately lost her home, and, you know, like, I couldn't tell you, man, how many times we moved when I was a kid, and I just didn't want that for my family, you know. Going through the process right now, and I got a badass wife, you

know, that supports me and stuff, and we make a good team, and starting, like, a new chapter in our lives, you know, so, yeah, I just wanted to share that with you. Thanks for calling Bryce. I appreciate that. That's amazing, man. You got first time home ownership and I think, you know, in my family, yeah, I guess, you know, we rented growing up, but to have that first time home ownership, that's huge. And you sound like you might be Latino or Guatemalan.

I mean, you might be American as well, but you might also know Spanish or you have a lisp that likes Mexican food. I mean, these are all possibilities, but I can't even imagine what that's like to be the first one in your family because you're going to start to set a precedent. You know, now your family is going to become homeowners. You know, now somebody in your family is going to look at you like, oh, that's Uncle Bryce. You know, or that's my dad and he's a homeowner. You know, he pays his mortgage. You know, your home is going to be something, you're going to have an example of something that you take care of. You know, you get flower beds.

You and your wife are going to have some traditions you'll be able to build. Or you get flower beds. You and your wife are going to have some traditions you'll be able to build. And those are some things that I think a I got older was running down the staircase. And it just became a thing where I could like, at some point I was small enough to slide down the rail a little bit. It was just a piece of shit rail like along this wall. And then I got too big to slide down and I had to just, you know, I had to get back to running. But then as I got older, I could literally make it all the way down the staircase in like four steps if I wanted to. And I just remember there was always some weird monitor in my head that was like, man, you used to have to like hold onto the rail with both hands when you would go down these.

And it's just, you know, it's wild how you have like these little things in your home that you'll start to remember. You know, I would always get jealous when I would go over to kids' houses and they had like that thing on the wall that showed where the kids had grown up and it kept getting taller. You know, because it just shows a little bit of history. I remember, you know, I remember like, I remember taking out the garbage and things like that and going out to the gate and how the gate would scare me.

And at night, and dude, at night when you're a kid, anything could be in the air. Anything. A star might attack you. A fucking wolf. A tree. The ground might swallow you. Somebody with a hatchet might show up. It was always somebody, for me, it was like with a hatchet.

Like, I'd never even seen a fucking hatchet my whole life but in my imagination they had five motherfuckers just hiding in the shadows hatchet ready just looking for somebody just like me I mean those are kind of scary thoughts to be thinking about home ownership but you're going to have nice stuff

man you're going to be able to buy things and put it in your house that's going to have nice stuff, man. You're going to be able to buy things and put it in your house. That's going to become your domain. That's amazing, man. Congratulations, dude. I don't know if I could know of a better weekend. I don't know if I could know of a better weekend than having that first feeling of being a homeowner. So congratulations to you.

You're going to set a precedent in your family. It sounds like will become a new thing. What else we got, Nick? Yeah, waking up this morning to the passing of Mitzi Shore was a rough one, man. That was the first thing I saw. As soon as I opened my eyes, looked at my phone, went on Instagram, and fuck. It's like one of those people that you like, like Stan Lee, you know? Like, it's one person I was like, fuck, man, I know it's going to happen, and it's going to be really shitty to wake up in the morning and see, you know, one of them passing.

So, rest in peace, Mitzi Shore. Yeah, thanks for calling about this, man. Yeah, I mean, Mitzi Shore passed away last week or over the weekend. I believe it was Friday. And I was out of town. I was out of town and I felt, I mean, personally, I felt the first thought I had was that I felt bad for Paulie. Yeah, I mean, you know, Paulie's one of, I mean, he's definitely one of a kind. He's the only person that grew up just thoroughly in that club. He has two brothers, Scott and Peter.

But Paulie's just the one that I kind of know. So I just felt bad for him as a son. I can't imagine that... I can't imagine... There must be some type of a connection thing that probably happens to a man when their mother passes away. You know, because that's like you guys were connected. That was like your life force. And then that's gone.

You know, I'd love to read up and find out if there's like something that happens in our brains or inside of us when that kind of happens. But yeah, I just felt really, you know, I just felt for Paulie. And then I thought about this club, you know, that this lady made this club. Because the Comedy Store changed my life. Changed my life. More than any building on earth besides the hospital that I was born in. The Comedy Store changed my life. I mean, it's a place that has just given me so many opportunities.

I mean, it's a place that has just given me so many opportunities. And I just wouldn't even have the little successes that I have today if it wasn't for there. Or a lot of the friends that I have. That place has helped me build up confidence on stage, which has carried itself off stage. That place also, man, great place to buy some cocaine and party. Meet some good poise or chill out cock, if you're looking for that. And everything. You can get anything you want at the comedy store.

And to think that this lady started this, a woman started this, it made me think about feminism, too, at first. I was thinking, man, this is the kind of feminism that makes sense to me, is a woman just doing whatever she wants to do. sense to me is a woman just doing whatever she wants to do. You know, I mean, people say they can't do this, they can't do that. This woman started one of the greatest comedy clubs in the world, if not the.

And this is 40, 46 years ago she started it. And it's just been, you know, it's had its ups and downs, but it's it beat out all the rest. And she was a been you know it's had its ups and downs but it's it beat out all the rest and she was a you know she she controlled the stage she said who passed and who didn't i mean you want to talk about a glass ceiling there wasn't one if if there was it was it was a female you know she was the one she was the she was you know that just made me think, wow.

That's the first time I just felt, oh, that's feminism right there. You want to see a woman just do something and at the same time have the natural powers that a woman has. Boom, there you go. That's not talking about it or tweeting about it or making a fucking poster board or something. That's just getting out there and living life. And at the same time, happening to be a woman um you know sometimes it just makes it you know like beyonce performed this weekend at coachella do you see that i did and she's like the first black person ever headline coachella you know and to me it's like well who cares like why does it always

it's it's so strange sometimes like you know people are like it's like well who cares like why does it always it's it's so strange sometimes like you know people are like it's you know i'm the first black i'm the first asian i'm the first woman but i don't know to me i guess if i don't think of things that like that then it's like why but then those are the same people where it's like well it doesn't matter that i'm black or a woman or i'm asian um to me it's just like, why does it always have to be, I don't know, why does it always have to be something? Does that make any sense, Nick? Yeah, pointing out these differences or these firsts only separate us rather than looking at us all the same people, for sure. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it's like, yeah, I guess at a certain point, some of the stuff feels like, well, it just, does it feel separating? You know, like, oh, I thought it was just awesome because somebody's performing, you know, and now it's like, oh, now it's just a, now it feels like, oh, it's not for everybody. But then I guess, you know, there's this chip on a lot of people's shoulder where it's just, you know, I saw Charlize Theron the other day was talking about how, you know, she didn't know if it's safe to raise her kids in america because of the racism that's here and i'm but at the same time i'm in my hometown this weekend and i specifically asked some of the educators that are at the the junior high where i went to about race stuff i was like what is racial stuff like these days and they said it's just it's nothing like it

used to be you know and that made me feel pretty good. And isn't Charlize Theron from South Africa like the most racist place? That's a good point. I think we're better than there, to be honest. Yeah, I definitely think so too. I think it's more, I think if she didn't watch the news as much,

she would probably think it was a blast or think it wasn't as bad as she thought it could be. What else we got nick uh this came in from leila hi theo my name is leila hi leila thank you for calling thank you for calling onward discovered you through cyber and rex and um and then just it was love at first sight anyways um i am currently married um and I've been married for about three years. It'll be three years in September. And my husband is a recovering addict, and he relapsed this evening.

So I'm home alone, and he hasn't come home, and I'm worried about him. And he's a really good man. He's trying. He just started his own business. He just took over a business. And apparently the guy that he took over the business from, he does a little bit of the cocaine. He's on that cocaine.

On that cocaine. And I guess he's been a bad influence on my husband. And anyways, if anybody could just offer some encouraging words of wisdom. My husband is really a good man. I just don't know really where to go from here. Okay. Well, I appreciate you calling, young lady. Yeah, I can imagine that that's got to be really tough for you if you're dealing with that sort of thing.

I know that there is Al-Anon meetings where you can go. If you have a family member or a spouse or whatever that struggles with addiction, you can go and learn how to deal with them. I'm sure you know those things. I'm not trying to preach at you. I'm just trying to share in case there's people out there that don't know that if they are you know if they live in a home where there's a you know somebody who's an alcoholic or they think they may be that there's help out there for you not the alcoholic there's help out there for you by going to al-anon meetings um yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry your husband's dealing with that i mean i worry you know what's funny as you're talking as

you're telling me that he relapsed my first first thought was, the first thought that bubbled into me, it was jealousy. I was like, fuck, man. I want to be out there. You know, just a little bit of jealousy. Like, damn, lucky guy. And that's the thing in you that makes you want to just go party and do stuff. You know, that's that dark art that's living inside you, man. That's that fucking, you know, that's that medieval Picasso that's inside me.

Just putting paint on everything. Just putting dark paint on my insides. Because he wants me to be dark and he wants me to behave that way. And I'm sure sitting at home waiting for him is tough. I mean, if you said he has that influence, that's hard. I mean, that's hard. I mean, it's hard to be in a, I don't think I could go into business with somebody who was doing cocaine. I couldn't do it. I'm not preaching at your husband. I couldn't do it. Dude, look, my biggest fear is some fine chick showing up

with a eight ball and a, you know, nice looking butthole and that's it you know and that's just next thing you know i'm in outer space son you know i'm up there buzz aldrin and around somebody's ass so that's one of my biggest fears so uh and as plus the stresses of the new business this and that i can imagine there's a lot of pressure but i'm sorry you're having to deal with that you know i'm sure that it's probably tough and, you know, and I'm sure, you know, you just have to be supportive and you don't want to reprimand. You don't want to probably say too much because, you know, he already has enough on his plate. But I'll say this. One amazing thing about that program, the AA program and sobriety is he can always come back. You know, those people, they don't judge you when you walk back into the room.

Most people don't know. They don't remember. You know, it's your journey. It's his journey. And he can always go back. You know, imagine having a place you can always go to no matter what. I mean, I don't know if I ever felt like sometimes in my life that I had that. And that's one thing that those rooms of sobriety offer for people.

But I appreciate you calling and sharing that with us. And I hope that he made it home, that things are looking in a different direction now. You know, and maybe next time, maybe we'll just recommend that he speak with his sponsor. If he's going, you know, into business or what's going on in business circles. Because, yeah, I am so grateful that nobody I know, I see some people sometimes that are running around, you can hear it in their pocket. Dude, I can hear a little bag of cocaine from about 80 feet away, son.

Damn. Where you at, boy? I can hear that shit. But thank you for calling, sweetheart. I hope it gets better better i'll be thinking of you um let's hear more nick what else we got all right here we go hey theo man this is dylan from texas all right thank you for calling dylan and uh but i had a question for you about alcoholism um i'm 25 i got a college degree.

I got a degree in welding. I weld pipe. Oh, damn, boy. You that fitter, huh? Get that fitter. You that pipe fitter, dude. I used to know a dude. He used to go welding underwater. That was his thing. He worked for the oil rig, and he'd be out there fucking just welding all kind of shit underwater. I'm like, dude, are you sure

that you have a real job? Because that sounds fictional, man. I don't even know how that would work. Let's hear more. Company. And I take care of my girl and our four-year-old son. And we got a house and all that, but it's real stressful, man. So what I've been doing is go get a six-pack and two little airplane bottles of whiskey every day.

And right now I'm sitting in my garage and drinking a beer. And I used to do drugs and all that, and I used to do other stuff. But I just wonder, man, do you think that that's alcoholism? Because I drink every day. And I limited myself to a six-pack and two shots. But I just wonder if that's going to be something more. Well, look, man, you used to do drugs, you said, and other things. I don't even know what that is.

You know, fucking juggling, throwing knives at your neighbors. I mean, that could be anything. You know, burying people you just met. I don't fucking know. But only you know that answer. I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic. You could drink a pint of gin a day. I don't even know how much a pint is.

Or six pints. And you might be, you might not. You know, there's functioning alcoholism. The thing that I noticed for me is that I use it as an the biggest thing that I recognize in hindsight of having taken a respite from drinking, coming up on two years here of drinking, no drinking or drugs,

is that I used alcohol as an escape. Or I used cocaine as an escape. That's the thing. Something I've learned is that now I'm facing more things and I've learned that my life is therefore advancing more because for me I wasn't really addicted to a drug or an alcohol I was addicted to not wanting to

see myself I was addicted to not wanting to feel my feelings and so when it came moments where I felt like I needed to or I was about to, then I would resort to doing a drug. You know, and so that's what it did for me. And so I find now that I don't do that,

that I don't have that escape, that I battle more. Like when things come up, instead of being like, oh, fuck, I'll just have a B, you know, then I find that, oh, now, when things come up, instead of being like, oh, fuck, I'll just have a B. Then I find that, oh, now when things come up, I battle that thing. And I learn to figure the thing out. And if I can't figure it out, then now I have people that I can call,

that I can say, hey, I have this issue. What would you do? And they've been in the program for 10 years or 20 years. And they'll say, oh, this is what I learned to do. And then I do what they learn sometimes and then that's how my life gets better because I'm not thinking for myself and I'm not escaping my issues now I'm not saying you have issues you may not you may not but if you find that you're escaping things and that's why you drank them, then you may.

Only you know. I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic. Only you know. And I'm not going to accuse you of being one. You might be that dude. Who's the guy on Nick on that cartoon where they all drink outside of the house? King of the Hill? Yeah. Hank Hill? Yeah, Hank Hill. You might be the main star, dude.

I don't know his name. Brumauer. What's that guy's name? Brumauer, yeah. hill yeah hank hill you might be the main star dude i don't know his name who's in broom hour what's that guy's name boom hour yeah boom hour okay i can't do any of it okay hank dude i was trying to work on a uh jay moore uh did norm mcdonald i was trying to work on that well the thing about furials coming along a little yeah you're getting is much better than your first attempt on the jay moore episode yeah that's true uh thing about funerals uh somebody's dead i gotta work on it um what else we got on april 12th state lawmakers in louisiana passed a bill making it illegal for

a human to have sex with an animal there you go and lawmakers passed the vote 122 to 6 okay there you go so six people voted no on that which seems bizarre but i'm going to tell you why six people people would vote no. Yes. If you are doing sexual actions with a animal that is a small animal or an animal that isn't fast then yeah, you should go to jail. This stuff with Bichons and river rats or whatever

all that stops now. But if you are fucking a cheetah in the wild or a lynx or a mountain cat, you are never buying a beer again, as far as I'm concerned. You're a hero. That's not bestiality.

Some dude is dating a fucking white wolf. That's not bestiality guy. Okay, lawmakers. That guy is a damn American icon. That guy, you put that on YouTube, game over. Okay, views central. I'm telling you this, if I meet a man who's been making love to a wolf in the wild, that man eats for free by my house.

I'm talking free everything, free meat, free tots, free everything by me. So that's my bestiality thoughts. Let's take another call, Nick. What do we got? All right. Hey, Theo, this is CJ from Dallas. Just last Friday, I had OD'd on fentanyl and heroin. And I am now going to be being shipped off to Jacksonville, Florida, Duval County. Duval!

This Saturday to be in an inpatient rehab center for the following three months. I've been a big follower this past weekend for about a year now. I made it to your show in Austin last August and got myself a journal. I'm really anxious regarding these next three months and just how to fill the time in my day at this fucking rehab center. I really don't want to be stuck with a roommate who talks to the wall all night and cheeks his meds and shit like that um shit can be weird but i guess i was just hoping to get some advice on what to do you know i'm going to be disconnected from technology good man well i think you you gotta be you know

i think honestly one thing that struggles that help that that's not good for me right now is is uh sometimes it's too much technology for me to even get through some of my own program you know i have to start making more room for my life in my life for my program my 12 steps and my sobriety that sort of thing but dude if you're going into treatment i promise you they will surround you with things to do. You know? Just listen for the similarities, not the differences. That's what I hear. And just get, you know,

just, I don't know. I can't tell you anything to do because I don't really know. You know, I just know that at the core of me and at the core of everyone, I bet there's something that they want you to feel better.

And you want to be well. Somewhere inside of you, there's a part of you that really, really wants to be well so that it can do well. That for me is the worst part sometimes is knowing that when I don't treat myself good, that myself isn't able to do its best work. You know, that's the toughest thing for me sometimes. But you'll be busy. You'll meet a lot of friends.

Look, if you're willing to call in here, I bet you'll be willing to speak to, you know, speak to others and see what's going on. And I'm glad you made it back out in Addison. And I wish you well in the three months. And hit me up when you get out. When I come to Addison again, I'm going to try to schedule some dates. I'll get you some tickets, man. Be my guest. We'll hit an AA meeting down there together, dude. That'd be dope. I went to one not far from the club last time

I was there. So we'll hit a room, man. You stay in those three months, man. We'll hit a meeting when you get out. So I'll put that on the table for you. What else we got, Nick? Anything else? Yes. One more call. All right. Sorry I'm just brushing through these tonight, guys. I'm just feeling tired. All right. Let's take another call. Hey, man. I'm calling to talk about an issue we got going on down here in Houston. Motherfucking Texas. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, they should call it that, dude. Houston is quite a place. Let's hear more. We got a thing down here called the sissy shoulder syndrome. Right? Okay. The sissy? What did he say?

Yeah. Sissy shoulder syndrome. Sissy shoulder syndrome. Okay? Okay, the sissy, what did he say? Yeah, sissy shoulder syndrome. Sissy shoulder syndrome. Okay, let's hear about it. Right, the triple S. What's going on down here? Dudes stop, they don't exercise. And the reason is because fucking internet dating, man. Because dudes don't have to go out and attract women in the field.

Because dudes don't have to go out and attract women in the field. They get to put on a pretty ass, like a pretty ass shirt and a nice little flak jacket like they're in the fucking army. And take some pictures and put a filter and throw that shit up on the internet. And then they get to sit there, sort through all the women. And then when they actually do go out in public they got a chip on their shoulder against women and that leaves them depressed and then they for sure ain't gonna try to do a fucking push-up and this all culminates into the sissy shoulder syndrome what is he saying he's saying that men they don't they don't do any push-ups or workout because they don't have to because they don't have to approach like in the wild anymore like they used to and try to look their best.

So instead, they can date online, and they can just make themselves look as good as they want, certain angles and stuff. Either sex can. And then that way, whenever they do meet and the women in person then what is it was he saying uh i guess that they eventually get rejected which sends them into a spiral okay so they get rejected because they're not in shape yeah and then it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy they're depressed so they don't work out and they're depressed they don't work out so this dude might be a gym teacher this guy might be selling gym memberships. Do I think that, I mean, I was with him for half of it.

You know, that man that, yeah, it's like it is different. I mean, times are different. It's like you don't have to, we don't have to, everything is, it's so electronic now and so fast that it's baffling. Like you don't have to do those things now to attract the opposite sex as much. But you still have to show up in person at some point. In most places anyway.

In LA, I don't even know if it matters. I'm sure there are a couple people out there that are married right now that have never even met. But in the rest of America, like that stuff's not flying. Like I know, you know, some of the places I was in this past weekend in Louisiana, you talk about, you know, some people don't even have Netflix. A lot of people still just use cable to watch television. It's just what they did growing up. It's what they know. Television. It's just what they did growing up. It's what they know.

Some of those people like a big star that were, say, a comedian like John Mulaney, who's a popular comedian. He might sell 30 tickets, but you send Dave Coulier there from Full House and he'll sell it out. It's just some places, they kind of stick to what they know. So some places, it's not that internet dating thing. There isn't a sissy shoulder syndrome. You still got to puff up and do those old puffer fish antics and get out there and meet a lady. Some of that's much more traditional. It's what we used to do in America and what we still do in some places. But it is evolving.

You know, you get into some of these other places and yeah, like who you are is becoming more electronic. Is it good? I don't know. I don't think it is. It's not good for humans. I mean, I think that that's some of the stuff you see with Trump. He has like this old mindset, you know, in a little bit of a way. you see with Trump, he has like this old mindset, you know, in a little bit of a way. And in some ways, I like some of it because it's just, it seems like there's some humanity to it. Whereas sometimes it's like, I don't know, maybe Trump has anything to do with it, but

it's like, we just, sometimes I want us to shut down some of this electronic shit. And it'd be nice to just be humans again. I mean, I feel like we're quickly not becoming humans. Do you feel like that, Nick? Do you think I'm crazy? And that's fine if you do. No, seriously. I think WALL-E, the movie, is like a perfect representation of where we're headed.

We're all just sitting on these carts that move us. We get fed just from our pods, everything. We don't have to leave our house. I left my computer cord for my laptop in Santa Monica, and I just had an Uber driver pick it up, and he sent it to me. He's like, you don't have to leave your house for anything. Yeah, it's wild. I mean, I was looking at the airport the other day.

Everybody's just on their phone. They're moving forward on an escalator, and it's just like, wow. We're almost just being carried around by these machines and dropped off. At a certain point, I wonder, will we become a burden to the machines? Sometimes I kind of think it's not as bad either because I've seen this picture that went viral a few times. And it's people on a bus now, everybody staring at their phones, but then side by side with people on the bus in like the 1950s. And every single person has their nose

buried in a newspaper. So it's not like it's just a different medium to avoid the human interaction. It's just much, much easier now. And do you think human interaction is, is it becoming less of a necessity that's what i wonder i think i think you always need human companionship touch actually talking to someone face to face i think that's a human necessity always yeah i find what yeah i agree

i find what i get from human necessity from human interaction and i didn't get for a while because i spent a lot of time just in bed about a decade really a lot of my time just in bed not meeting other people um or interacting I don't get an I don't get a reflection of who I am and you know when I'm out and about and I say hey to somebody and and they say hey and I smile at them or something and they say hey back to me and I've read and I know that oh I can tell they okay they you know I'm not a bad person you know I'm you know maybe i hold the door for someone or i just you know be kind to the nurse at the doctor's office or you know um just something where i interact with other people i get a vibe for who i am i get a reflection from them off of them, of who I am.

And usually it's an okay one. Usually it's like, oh, okay, I'm not a bad person. I just talked to somebody. Nobody fought. Everything was comfortable. It was cool. I just walked into the building. That girl smiled at me or that man smiled and I smiled back and everything seems pretty cool.

I'm okay. I'm going through the day all right. But when you don't do that or when I didn't do that, I wouldn't get a reflection of myself. You get stuck inside and then you're not getting that feedback from people that lets you know that you are doing okay. You're okay. And so then my brain would start to be like, oh, you're fucking up. You're not a good person because that's that little part of me, the same part of me where my alcoholism lives, that wants to tell me something bad or wants to do something bad.

And that part grows. The more you're inside, it grows. It's like a moss. The more you don't take care of yourself, the more you don't get outside, the more you don't interact with others, that shit grows. It's like a damn algae. And it gets thick, and then it's above you it's like on the water like a layer like you're like a swamp and whoever you are the good things the good reflections you used to see yourself it's down

under that murk and you can't access them as much anymore and that's why you got to interact with other people because you'll see in their eyes you'll see them looking back at you and that's why you got to interact with other people because you'll see in their eyes you'll see them looking back at you and that look is that you're a decent person and you feel that and that lives inside of you and we need that and that's why we need that interaction and that's one thing it is scary you know i wish you know sometimes i wish you would shut things down but you know at what point point does technology become dangerous to us? Where it's not safe anymore? Just because we can keep advancing, do we?

Because how does it end? Dude, the other day, look, I tried to turn off my phone. Siri, please turn off my phone. To power off your iPhone, first press and hold both the side button and either volume button for three seconds. Then move the slider that appears on the screen. Right. So what she's saying is if I tell her to turn off, she won't do it. She's saying you do it.

I mean, it's silly and it's silly, but it's crazy. Please turn yourself off. I can't imagine why you'd want to, but you can turn me off in settings. Hmm. Now she's even trying to convince you not to. Yeah. It's crazy, man. That's the dark arts.

All right. We're going to do that Greyhound breakdown episode this week. We're supposed to have a Greyhound driver coming in. You know, I'm trying to get, they just shut down Backpage for escorts, and I want to find out how some of these ladies feel about it. I'm hoping to get one of them in. If you know an escort that works in the Los Angeles area, nobody's trying to fuck or anything like that, dude.

I mean, I'll probably jerk off at the house before, but that's me, and that's how I operate, and that's really unfortunate. But if you know one and they want to make some money, we'll pay them just to come in. We can do audio-only interview if they want to hide their face or something like that or hide who they are. But I just want to talk about that and hear what that's like and how that affects their industry. So if you know one, tell them to hit the hotline, 985-664-9503 and that's a los angeles area only uh what else do we have nick what's going on uh not much uh just got some final thoughts i like i liked your thought uh oh you got some gifts from some listeners didn't you yeah i got a gift

this came in and i know there's a couple gifts that have come in some clothing and stuff like that this came in right here and this say original condition originalfactorycent.com I don't know these people but this man sent a note with it I'll read it Hey Theo my name is Joe and I'm from Amarillo Texas my dad and I run a small business

selling new car smell if you want that scent when you get in that car you get that NCS maybe that new car smell I've included some of scent when you get in that car, you get that NCS, maybe that new car smell. I've included some of them in this package and they got this damn ice cold. This shit looks like about a couple kilos of new car smell, boy. They broke us off. Your podcast is

very inspirational to me over the past year. I've listened to it since day one. I'm 25 years old and working towards the goal of being able to support my family with this business one day. It is very difficult not to get discouraged or feel like a loser sometimes when everyone i know chose the safe route of going to college and working a desk job i'm not saying there's anything wrong with that it just wasn't for me listening to you and hearing you discuss your own trials and tribulations in a different industry has given me the strength to keep going on the hardest of

days um i know i'm not the only person that appreciates what you're doing. Thanks, brother. God bless. Oh, man, that's nice of you, dude. You know, and this boy, Paul Morrow is his name, I believe. And he sent me a couple of these hitters, man. And this is that originalfactorycent.com. He's not paying me to advertise, but I thought that was sweet of you.

Thank you very much. You and your father running that small business, dude. That's beautiful. And you know what? I'm going to go on your website. I'm going to buy a few, and we'll include them in with the This Past Weekend shirts that go out for people that hit the hotline with how their weekend was. We're going to drop those hitters in there, them original condition, them new car scents, bro. Damn.

I mean, this shit feel like about 60 grams of straight up new car magic, dude. You know, you might be able to meet somebody in a fuck or even just jerk off yourself and feel like you're in a new environment. Definitely. Yeah, which can be nice, dude. We used to warm our hands up in a pot of water

and jerk off like that. Hmm. You know, it's like taking a trip to the Caribbean, man. I'm gonna have to try that before the escort comes in there you go oh yeah we'll make everybody in the room uh you know spell themselves before uh before they before the escort comes in as always i want to thank the gun squad i want to thank gray block pizza um and who else gray block pizza man if you want pizza and you don't have anything in your mouth go get it it. They got pizza.

They got what you need. They got all kind of the Bella Goat. Let me read a couple of the Frenchie. Take that Frenchie. They got the Hunter, bro. What's that in the distance? Animal? The fucking Hunter, dude.

Fill your face. The Caps. The Zingaro. And that's Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard. Thank you, guys. We got some guests coming in. I love you. Take me out with some music here, Nick.

Thank you, Nick. That's nice. And this is Spencer Jacob Growl with Celebrate. And you can find the link to that in the episode. Thank you, Gun Squad, for your support. I hope you caught that Thursday episode on Patreon. As always, brought to you by Grey Block Pizza. Grey Block Pizza for that pizza that you need.

Celebrate our days. That's 1811 Pico Boulevard. Celebrate all your pain. All of your demons exercised. Let's have some fun while we all die. All right, guys. See y'all soon. Okay. Thank you. I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new

voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule,

like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.