This Past Weekend - E369 Nick Swardson

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Nick Swardson is an American actor, stand-up comedian, screenwriter, and producer.  Nick Swardson is back to talk about returning to stand up, almost retiring in Key West, and his friend Norm Macdonald. Theo and Nick also discuss bots writing articles, jumping armadillos, and the future of comedy. Find Nick Swardson:  IG: https://instagram.com/realnickswardson FB: https://www.facebook.com/nickswardsoncomedy Website: http://nickswardson.net/ -------------------------------------------------- New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour Podcastville mugs and digital prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com -------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Keeps: http://keeps.com/theo to get first month free BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/theo for 10% OFF your First Month Peloton: http://onepeloton.com $350 off the Peloton Bike+ BlockFi: https://blockfi.com/theo for a bonus $25 in crypto with your first purchase Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com for $30 off their best selling picture frames Liquid Death:: https://liquiddeath.com -------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_c... -------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to [e-mail]. Hit the Hotline [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: www.theovon.com/fan-upload -------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips -------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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and he's got that thing in him. He's got that spunk in him, you know? He's a real spunk dragon if you see him. If you beat him, spunk would come out at two years. He's a movie actor and he's a comedian. You know him from a lot of the greats and we're here today to get to spend time with him. We're blessed by this Minnesota Vikings fan,

my friend, comedian Nick Swartzson. For me to set that parking brake and let myself on wild. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my story. Shine on me. Shine on me. And I will find a song

I'll be singing just for you. Ladies and gentlemen. I don't need that. No, I wanna just quickly say Brian Callan fuckin' eat me out. Eat me out. Brian Callan, where are thee? That's what I wanted to just kick off. That's a starter meal, huh?

That's a kick off. That's a eat me out off. That's a slapetizer, bro. And would he do it, though? I mean, I think... Is he that snacky guy? I don't know if he seemed like a real snacker to me. I feel like he would make people do that to him.

I'm not a noose. My fuckin' anal tunnel. People can just sign up. There's a sign up sheet outside my building. Anybody that's walking by just jot it down. Just get in there, damn. Do you wish you had... Do you ever wish that your anus was bigger

or do you wish it was smaller? I've thought about that every day of my life. It's still kind of medium. But I think tighter, you know what I mean? Just for... A lot of my friends are, you know, big finger. Yeah. Yeah, you...

In tighter, you could steal somebody's ring, you know? Like, they do want to... Remember on, I think, Robin Hood when he kisses the... The captain's hand? Oh, yeah. He was fuckin' throbbing, dude. His heart is a rock. No, I don't want my asshole to be too loose.

Like, I want to feel my shit, you know what I mean? I don't want him to just fall out. Just go AWOL. Yeah, like somebody just throwing him on your doorstep like an Amazon guy. Yeah, I don't want him just fuckin' swan diving when I take a shit, like clean landing. I want to feel it. Oh, wow, huh?

Damn, you're like a real outdoorsman. Yeah, I'm very thirsty. I'm very thirsty for the woods. Yeah, fuckin' I'll take a shit anywhere. I think in the future of people, shitting will be a thing of the past, actually defecating as a human. Like, if you see somebody go in a room by themselves

to have desecration or whatever it's called, desecration, leave their body. Defecation, isn't it? Defecation, yeah. Yeah, desecration, I think, is when you put your turtleneck on backwards. Oh, damn it. Um...

But damn, dawg. No, the futures is gonna be like eye toilets or something, or it's like Apple will drop like some new thing. Yeah, I wonder what's gonna happen in the future. It's exciting to think about. Yeah, I hope Apple's listening. If Steve Jobs' ghost is here,

we gotta get on a fuckin' Ouija board. Wake that motherfucker up, dude. Where's your eye toilet, you fuckin' dead guy? You just press a button and the meal leaves your stomach and it just appears. Yeah, you put your phone, like, just put it right against your stomach and it just fuckin' absorbs it. And then it sends it right to

Brendon Schaub's mouth. It just appears, Brendon Schaub be like, Ooh, dawg, eating at some fuckin' stupid restaurant. Like, and then just shit just fills his mouth like a fuckin' Italian chipmunk. Just harboring nuts for the lantern.

Oh! And he gets back in his leopard skin and he bought it for $8 million. He doesn't know how to buy things. A fuckin' child. Every time you floor it in there, you can hear an endangered species die. I feel like.

You can hear many special animals kill themselves. Yeah, dude, it runs on Ebola. Ebola. That's the new fuckin' car Brendon drives. No, but I think in the future, everyone will wear like a colostomy bag, yeah, I think actually having to go to

a room to like, cause it's crazy when you think about it, I'm gonna go off to a private room and get like, liquids or solids out of my body. It almost seems like you're like a bad magician. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a trick that everybody knows.

And the trick smells. Yeah, yeah. Like if you pull a rabbit out of a hat, it doesn't smell unless the rabbit's dead. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That makes sense. Bad magic and it's just some guys pulling dead rabbits out of a hat.

How is that not a show? There's every other fucking show on the air. It's so stupid. I was like quarantining and shit back in the day. I can't even say that, which is weird. So yeah, you left out of Columbus and what? I left out of Columbus and I didn't know what was happening like everybody else.

I was like, what is happening? And you know, people were just, it was up in the air and then went and just they're like, you got a quarantine. So I came back to LA and got my shit and then I went back to Minnesota where I'm from and quarantined in my sister's basement. Which is the house that I bought her.

So your basement? My basement. I remind her of that every time I step foot in that fucking place. Anyway, I'll digress on that. But it was just weird because then it was like there were murder hornets

and like all this weird shit kept dropping and then I love that the Pentagon revealed that they're aliens. They're like, no, there's proof there's aliens. People are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. Anyway, what's going on with this disease? Like nobody cared about anything. They dropped murder hornets on us.

I don't even know what the fuck that is. Yeah, I feel like it was a time where they're going to slip other things out while people are heavily distracted. Yeah, totally. They're like, oh, they're looking that way. Dude, there's a lot of distraction going on. Well, that comes to my point. So I was in quarantine

and I got in Minnesota. And what are you doing there? Are you working during the day? Are you doing anything? Are you doing emails? I use my fucking mind. So I just sat there and I read books and I caught up on Netflix shows and I journaled and I caught up with a lot of friends

and I did some podcasts and shit or like phoneers and stuff. But I just sat there and really thought about my life and what I wanted to accomplish in my next chapter. You know what I mean? So I didn't drink or anything. I was fucking sober. Wow.

You were living clean out there. Were you doing a gym? Were you elliptical or anything? No, I just did push-ups. It was like a prison with Netflix. Were you in Carstere? Is that like you were in Carstere? Yeah, it was a prison with Netflix. Your sister's upstairs. She's upstairs and my nieces and nephews and stuff

and I was like, just don't even don't come in this sanctuary. Yeah. I was like, I'm not going to lie. Yeah. The dog would run in and he would watch me poop and then he would be like, all right. This is like the third time in like half hour.

He's like, re-run. Yeah. And so then I got a message from Expedia and they were like, are you ready for your trip to Key West? I had fucking forgot that I booked a trip to Key West that December before COVID or anything.

I was like, oh, I've always wanted to go to Key West and just kick it. You know, I've read Hemingway. I like the show Bloodline. So I went to Key West, Florida. I left there and then I went to South Carolina and hung out with Danny McBride for like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I love Danny. I almost moved there.

He's like, you got to move here, dude. And I almost did. But I went down to Key West and I was going to go back up to South Carolina. But I stayed in Key West. I was supposed to be there for 10 days. I stayed for a year and a half when I was fucking Key West.

I was there a year and a half. That's not a joke. Did you do a job or something? Did you get hired anywhere? Nope. I just tuned out. Everything was so fucking bonkers in 2020 that I was just over it, dude.

So I just stayed down there and it was so removed from everything. Nobody gave a fuck. I had no idea what day it was after a while. When I just stayed, I just kicked it. Did you party in? Were you sailing? I partied initially and sailed initially. Yeah.

And then I just fucking had a couple fucking pops and then I would just listen to the song Sailing by Christopher Cross and that was a lot easier. Sailing Sailing takes me away and suck my own dick. I suck in my own dick.

No, but it was awesome though. Nobody was on Twitter. Everybody was just like Island Life with it. And was it like were you doing any employment at all? I did nothing.

Did you try to get a job? I was just over it. I thought about some shit and I was like planning on coming home. Real estate or what were you considering? No, I was going to like shape my pubes and just make dream catchers or some shit. That's what Key West is like.

After a year, I didn't even own clothes. I didn't own government down there. I feel like it's just like basically people down there just obviously these people hate Native Americans and everybody because they're trying to get out of America. Is a lot of Cubans? Is a Latino there?

What is it? It's kind of everything. I mean, it's local. It's a lot of tourists. It's a big tourist spot. So it's a lot of people driving from Florida. And there's a lot of fishing. It's when I landed, my buddy picked me up

and he goes, welcome to the island of misfit toys. And I go, what does that mean? He goes, you'll see. And I didn't know what that meant. And then after a little bit, I was like, oh, yeah. Like everybody's just going rogue, dude. Like everyone's got a story.

Everybody that I met was like, yeah, I came down here like on a connection with the flight and then I just stayed for like 20 years. Like it's just the best like relief. And then in the airline, they lost my family. Like the airline lost your family. Yeah. I was flying over Key West

and then I decided, fuck, I'm just going to parachute out of this shit and just open the door. But it was awesome. It was just, it was fucking crazy. I can't believe I was there that long. It was so fun. And I met the coolest people. All the locals are great. Really? Yeah.

Now is there a lot of, because you seem like a kind of place where people are sneaking out. They're getting like a lot of times you see them greed, the guy ends up down in Key West. Is there like a lot of hidden like people that could have been doing murders or anything like that down there? I feel like it's a lot of like kind of like, you'll never catch me

type of people. I mean, you know, I didn't, I wasn't like a part of that scene. But I mean, it exists. Well, it's like the show Bloodline. Have you seen that? I saw half the first episode. The first season is fucking dope. But it's a lot of hiding bodies. I didn't see that. I mean, I hid

a lot of big garbage bags that were really heavy, but I didn't look inside. Yeah. So it could have been. I'm just going to say it was a bunch of equanas. Yeah. That's how I'm going to visualize it. Did you see like that speak English and yell help?

Did you feel did you feel I feel like it's a lot of people wearing eye patches and a lot of people like, if you knew what happened, you know, you'd be fine. You couldn't, your mother was a hard, you know, I feel like it's like a lot of like, there is that.

There's like those bars. Yeah. Then there's like heavy tourist bars. And then there was a, is there a Margaritaville? Yeah. I'm almost sure there was. I never went to it. They like the Margaritaville is like the Fat Tuesdays. Is there a Chico's? Is that Fat Tuesdays?

What's the one that's like the big and tall clothing store? Obese ricks. Obese ricks. Yeah. No. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Big and tall. Thick dons, yeah. Thick ricks. Hey, welcome to Thick Ricks.

The guy's just chucking. He's like a Mr. Potato, heavy on the potato. Yeah. Mr. Potato and that body. Hey, we might just pouring some ketchup on my body. They don't have, they don't have cologne, they just have gravy. They just fucking, yeah.

Oh, what are you wearing? That's sausage. Yeah. That's some Stofer's new cologne. Yeah, why not? Oh, damn. No, but it's one of those places. Tyson does a deodorant. Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Oh, my God. These condoms have real sheepskin in them. It's chewy. Oh, man. Oh, no. The lamb here is great. Oh, my God. This shirt has chocolate chips on it. Yeah, but it's one of those places where

the dive bar is like, I just didn't really go to them because it's kind of like you said, it's one of those things where I was told this, where you walk in and they're like, who are you? Like, I patch fucking eye patches. Yeah, so I take his eye out of his mouth

because it's wet. It's just gotten wet enough to put back in sock. Yeah, it makes it sound like, because it's just been sweating. But yeah, but there's a lot of great bars. Sandbar is awesome. It's like the sports bar there. There's a lot. And it's just cool, man.

Did you think you were missing out on the world? No, I was. I don't know anybody else that just kind of went to a place and was like, this is what I'm going to do. Yeah, I mean, I don't know who else did. I mean, I was there just chilling, but it was perfect because every time I would look at

my phone or look at Twitter, it was just there was always something fucking bonkers happening. Like no day was chill and it would like stress me out. So then I was like, get me the fuck out of here. Were people down there like in where they bought?

Is it a lot of people trying to escape the pandemic? Was it people believing the pandemic? Was it a lot of like deniers or was it just what was what was the vibe down there? It was a lot of, you know, it's a lot of locals and it's a lot of people that you know, there were people that kind of believed it and kind of were, you know,

not believed it, but like we're like, oh, yeah, no, like you got to be careful. I mean, nobody was like reckless. You know, nobody was walking around sneezing into a fucking megaphone. Yeah. But I don't even know what that would do. Sneezes straight into a baby's ass. Yeah, baby

butt. Sneezy Jefferson. But yeah, no, it was. Yeah, he would sneeze and his arms go like this. Boy, he just cries blood out of his ass. No, uh, no, it was, it was chill. There was, you know, they took your temperature

and people wore masks and but a lot of people came to Key West to, like, get away from the masks. And is there, I hear there's a lot of, like, risque sex parties and stuff down there. Did you see any of that? I didn't see. I had heard stuff. That's kind of one reason why I was intrigued. I'm not, I'm not going to a sex party. Yeah. Because every party I go to

was a sex party. No. I hear it's like a real semeny Mardi Gras down there, you know, like, that's kind of what you hear. There are semen fights. They'll break out at happy hour. Yeah. So it's just, you know, a lot of fucking spiderwebs.

I'm the king of New York. Yeah. But no, it wasn't as wild. But also this is post COVID. So pre COVID, I heard it was a lot crazier. They have a thing called Fantasy Fest and they have stuff like that where they're like, dude,

it's, there's no rules. It's just completely insane. And is Fantasy Fest, is it a gay festival? Because it's, because it's also it's like anything. It's a lot of like swingers. Like that was kind of a vibe that I got. It's a lot of people that are like down

like married couples from Ohio that came down for a weekend. Oh, they're wheeling their brother. And now they're just, now they're wearing toilet seats. And they have always have some brother shows up in a Tony Gwyn Jersey and you're like, oh, this dude. Yeah. This dude's getting on base. And then they're like, is that Manute Bowl?

And it just might be. That's some peace to both those guys as they passed. Have they? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. At Fantasy Fest. They started coming all their organs out because they were fucking so much. Blip, blip, blip. Is that my

that's my swing? Blip. That's my swing. Yeah. Sir, you're an organ donor. Thank you. You donated to my but bank. Oh, yeah. Ta-ching dong. But yeah, it was great, man. And then I came back. It like kind

of changed my whole view of everything. So I came back briefly to Los Angeles for a couple weeks to shoot a commercial and just makes it little. For what is it for Boston Market? It was for Wendy's. Yeah. I was like, just

only online. And then I went back to my place in LA and I got a condo. It's nice, you know, it's chill. And I looked at all my stuff and I'm like, why do I have all this stuff? I don't need this shit. And I fucking got rid of like so much of my clothes, my shoes.

I got rid of my like, I had a Rolex. I had a diamond chain. I got rid of all of it. All of it. And I was just like, I don't need it. And that's what was cool about Key West is like, I was there for that long and I had maybe eight shirts, two pairs of shorts, flip flops and a pair of shoes.

And I was happy as fuck, dude. I was like, why do I don't need all this shit? You know what I mean? It was really cool and it really like when you realize how much, when you just have so much shit, I got rid of my car five years ago. And the more stuff you have, I mean, I live in a neighborhood

where I can walk everywhere, but I just got rid of shit and it was just, I donated it. You know what I mean? And it felt cathartic you're saying? It was cathartic and it's like, if you're out there and you're listening, like just look around your, you know, where you live and just go like, do I need this?

Need this? There was so much shit. Yeah, you have a backup blender. You don't need that. Yeah, you don't need a fucking fourth fax machine. Yeah. You have 40 bath towels? Yeah, not too much. You have one body. Yeah, you have one body. And I mean, people on QoS

would be like, yeah, dude, you're still here. That's dope. And I go, yeah. And they're like, dude, do you need another shirt? I'm like, yeah. And they're like, all right. And we would like barter. I'm like, here's my spleen and I'd fucking jerk a spleen into their fucking grill. But, uh, yeah, it was

just, it was, it just really humming bats down there. Is it the kind of place where you're jerking off or you save that more for the mainland? What's going on down there? Be honest with me, because if I get to island, if I go out to an island, dude, I feel like the first thing I want to do when I get there is

spray out, you know. Just see, unleash the seed. Bust 100, son. Yeah. I mean, I just like almost like doing it's like your own little Christopher Columbus. It's your own little whatever that place is called Chesapeake, whatever. Where'd they land at? Plymouth Rock.

Plymouth Rock, dude. Yeah. No, I mean, it was, I played with my jennies a couple times. I pretended like my balls were like an island and then my dick was like a palm tree. So I just squeeze it and then make the tree unleash a fucking blizzard.

Yeah. But, yeah, I know, I fucking touched my jens. Was it, um, it was just like whatever the fuck you want to do. It's like the movie Office Space, which is great. If you haven't seen it, watch it. But there's a scene where Peter,

played by Ron Livingston, gets hypnotized. He's like a nine to five corporate Yeah, I remember that. And, um, nine to five, dude, and he gets hypnotized and he goes into his zone and has this clarity. Oh, damn. And he just, the more he doesn't give a fuck, the more

things happen to him that are good. And there's a scene where his buddy goes, and Peter, what's going on with you? And Peter just goes, have you ever done nothing? It's so much better than you think it is. And that's kind of how I was because I was,

you know, I started comedy when I was 19 and I was immediately on TV and toured my whole life. And I'm 45 and I was filming and touring and filming and touring and I never just stopped and like took a breath because wherever I went, I would do shows. So I was always kind of, it's a little stressful,

you know? So it just was constant. So when I got there, I think that's why I stayed so long because as I was just like, oh, I've never just been like, I don't want to go through my emails. I don't want to check Twitter. I don't want to go. I'm on Facebook. I don't want to do this. I just want to like wake up, wave to

the fucking sun, go get a fucking cocktail, go to the fucking beach that's right there. It was just so awesome. And the people were so great. So so many cool people. People struggle. If you even look in the Bible or if you look at even as

old movies or anything, you could definitely see a lot of people are struggling. So it's not shocking that you might need help. And if you can't get help in your area or if you don't want to go to a broken mortar building because you might be nervous or scared, better help is available.

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O-N-E-P-E-L-O-T-O-N .com to learn more. $350 off the Peloton bike at onepeloton.com terms apply. Did you learn anything about yourself kind of in that time? Because it is a real

because I get afraid to take a break sometimes, you know? Well, I mean, I learned that I to decompress and to like take care of myself and also just you know, like again being 45 the world just changed so much.

We grew up without social media and grew up without all this shit and all this stuff. And like I said, like 2020 2021 were just so it's just still insane, but it's like it was just system overload essentially. So I was like when I was quarantined and I was stone sober

I was like, oh I want to go back to like reading and like just hanging out like being with myself, you know, and not having stimulus and all these people and all this bullshit. Would you read, you read books, zines? What were you reading? I read fucking zines.

I read books. Yeah. I read, yeah, I can read. I think I used to read Outdoor American. Can you pull that up, Colin? Don't pull it up. Unlike Callin and Shob, I can read. There you go. Outdoor America right there. Budget set up for fall walleye.

Go back to that. Go back to the dime with the walleye, huh? And what's the article at the top? Dude, look at you. You want to catch your brown eye. Hey, here we go. Yeah, that's the stuff dude. That's the stuff dude. Yeah.

Scared. You know, cold water crappy, huh? Oh shit. Wearing how to catch fall crappy. Grab your crabs. Question of my life. And did you do any fishing tours down there? Yeah, well not like everybody there as a boat.

So like, you want to go on the boat? And I love the ocean. I love the water. It's just, that to me is really cathartic. Do you jump in the water when you get out there? You stay in the boat. No, I walk on the water. I'm Jesus. Oh, dang it. Yeah, I get in the fucking water, dude. It's a trip, dude. So you go out like way out and it's still

walkable. Yeah. Like they're like sand bars, they call them. Damn. So you really lived it up. So was there a point where... I would take naps. Yeah. I'd take like three naps a day. It was so awesome. Dude, I took a nap.

I think this is two days ago. Probably the first nap I've taken in. A couple years maybe. It was so nice. It was like only about 14 minutes, but it was so nice. I feel like it's hard to sleep at night. It's easier to sleep, get real good rest

than you think that. Yeah, I think... I've learned with all the stuff. I've got a holistic doctor and people that turn me on to certain things. And they were like, listen to your body. They were like, listen, if your body's tired,

you should fucking lie down. It was just 10 minutes, 15 minutes. If you're hungry, eat. If your body's like, hey, I want to eat. Just grab a piece of fruit, grab some fucking veggies. Damn. So what brought you back? Now that you're back in Los Angeles

and in a mainland America, do you feel like there's anything that... Was there stuff that you missed? Do you feel like you want to do more work? Do you feel like you want to go back there? What do you kind of feel now? I wanted to retire.

I wasn't planning on coming home. Really? I mean, every day I would meet fans and take photos. When's your next stand-up special? When are you touring again? All my Twitter dates got canceled because of COVID. And I realized,

then I would go like, I think I'm going to retire. And then people would look on their face to be like, what? I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I think I might just live here. And they're like, you can't do that. And then a lot of my friends and people were like, dude,

you're fucking 44 at the time. You can't just cash in now. And they were like, you got to keep going. And then I talked to my agents and shit and they were like, yeah, where have you been? Yeah. And I'm like, you can hear parrots in the background

and I'm eating a tarantula. I don't even know what is going on. And so they're like, just come home, dude. Just come on, man. You can't quit. It was frustrating because I had a new special before COVID. I had all this stuff. So I took a little bit more time

and then I was like, I got to come home and I got offered two movies. I start filming in February. You do? Yeah. And then I started to stand up again. So I missed it. What's the movie going to be about? There are two sequels.

One is a sequel to a movie called The Binge, which is on Amazon, which I had not seen it. But my friend is producing it and they offered me the sequel and I watch it and it's funny, dude. There's some really funny shit. It's a really good cast. It's about the movie The Purge.

You know that? It's like a big franchise. Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw The Purge. Where one day you can kill and rob and shit. This one is in the future and it's like the world is sober and one day everything's legal. Every drug, alcohol, everything's legal. Damn.

Yeah. So it's like... What would you do if you had one day and then we'll get to this question that came in. If you had one day, what would you do if everything's legal? What would I do? What, drug-wise? Yeah. Or anything.

If anything was legal? Everything is kind of legal. I mean, if you get away with it? No, I mean, I don't know. I'm not going to rob a house or kill. I don't know. I don't think I could kill anybody. You have to kill. I mean...

You got to kill something. It's not that hard these days to kill somebody. By choice? Or you just made a oopsie. I mean, it's, you know, I'm not trying to... Somebody fell on a gun. I mean, I'm not trying to, like, you know...

Oh, God. You already opened the can of worms, but, you know... Oh, some guy actually raked himself to death in his own yard. That's interesting. He just punched his dick into his ass until he bled out. Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're taking that image home to your family. Oh, bro, there's been times where I just wanted to climb into my own ass, man. Yeah, that's what I mean. I did that in Key West. I mean, just disappear. Yeah, you just hide in a fucking warm cave. Yeah, and just reach out with one hand and cut the lights off like that.

Yeah, hold it. Just hold it over the hole. Yeah. But, yeah, so I'm doing that. And then a sequel to a movie I did called The Buddy Games with me and Josh DeMell and Dax Shepard and Olivia Munn. It was a big hit. It's on video on demand. It's not a bunch of streaming.

We'll never see it, but I bet it was good. No, you will. We'll see it on an airplane, probably. It's rated R, bro. Do you feel like it's interesting how movies now have kind of disappeared a little? Since the theaters are gone, it's different. Yeah, but they're coming back.

I mean, movies are still... I mean, I feel bad because a lot of the movies that were huge movies, like Dune and Ghostbusters, and there was like a handful of them that are being released, but you know, it just fucking was a cock walk.

So my movie Buddy Games is supposed to be in the theaters and we got Sea Blast. Check it out. I will check out Buddy Games because I like a title like that, Buddy Games. It's fun, dude. Yeah, so we're doing a sequel to that. So I'm filming February. I would love that. Dude, I could see you doing like a good movie for you.

I think we'd be doing like something with armadillos or like night animals. Yeah, this is... They've offered me armadillo, the movie, armadillo, the horror movie, horror movie. Are you joking around? No, man. I don't joke about armadillo. A lot of people do.

I offered a porno armadildo. Did you really say that, dude? It just comes out at night, right in your bum. Yep, it comes out while you're sleeping. And it's the size of an arm. It is. It has a watch around its neck.

Yep. Dude, that is some flavor, flavor right there. Armadillos can jump really high. Can we get a video of that, please? Okay, there's the fucking armadillo. Look at that bad girl, huh? Shorty thick, huh? She looks Mexican kind of with her hair like that.

Don't they have like... like scales or something? What's on their back? Don't they fold up into a ball? Yeah, they do because I was at a park and I picked it up, I thought, and I dunked it. And then this thing died. It unveiled itself. Look at that dillo.

I think they go by dillo, huh? Yeah. That's what Diplo, the DJ, used to be called dillo. He's an armadillo, I think. Oh, I could see him being... They're very nocturnal. Can we see the video of the jumping armadillo, please?

Yeah, that was what we wanted initially. Not the fucking thing eating leaves or vagina. Okay, is it standing up? That's a man, that's a walker. Oh, that's how bad my vision is. Oh! Oh!

She tastes pussy? I don't know, that thing definitely... Somebody... She tastes the labia. That thing got a tater salad enema right there, you saw that? Hey, bro. Somebody freaking got dipped in the freaking

got a little bit of bowl slaw, dude. Oh, we got an armadillo right here, y'all. Check it out. I'm gonna slow down so we can look at it. I got this air horn right here. Oh, that's not cool. I'm gonna see what happens when I blow it at the armadillo.

I can't see what happened. Oh my God, go back. Can we zoom in on the screen some? Right here. I'm gonna see what happens when I blow it at the armadillo. What is about the damn? Dude. Why does that, too?

You know, in the future, they're doing a thing now and the future is now. And they're doing a thing where a lot of armadillos, they're getting the scales off of them. So it's just the body. And you can, because people can have them worse pets. Isn't that unbelievable? They're starting to...

Why don't they just get a cat? They don't want that. They have to have an armadillo. These fucking idiots. Who are these people? I don't know. Rich people, probably. People making your movie, probably. Brendan Schaub is probably a fucking kennel of fucking dillos.

What a fucking idiot. Oh, it's your Rogan as a couple. Rogan has a fleet. He's got an army. I'm sure he has a couple. We got. What up, Theo? What up, Swardy? Yeah, what up?

Morning from Phoenix, Arizona. Who's more fun to work with? Jennifer Aniston. Or David Spade. To me, they're kind of both equal on the looks. Both pretty good looking. Yeah. Aniston seems sneaky funny, though.

Spade's obvious funny. Okay. Maybe depending on the mood you're in. Let me know, Swardy. Thanks, dude. I love that you called me Swardy. That was my nickname. Dude, I love that that guy, A, looks like me

if I were a little handsomer. Right. And that guy moved to Arizona. He's living kind of a geodirt existence, kind of. Right. Did you catch that at all? Yeah, I caught a little bit of dirt there. Moved to Arizona.

Which is where Spade is from. Spade and Aniston. Interesting question. They're both very different. You're accurate on Aniston being sneaky funny. She's very funny. She's got better hair than David. Oh, yeah.

And hers is very majestic. David smells like Funyuns. But David is very funny. But I'm going to give Aniston the edge. Because when you're in a scene with Aniston

and you look at David, you've got to look down. And he's kind of like a lawn gnome. Oh, he's got that downhill vibe. Yeah, but in a nice way. Like a nice funny little lawn gnome. What about were you down there when Norm passed away? Yeah, that was awful.

Norm was one of my best friends. That was awful. Really? Yeah, that was my buddy Todd calling. I woke up from a nap. He was like, okay, what's up? He goes, ah, we're just taking a nap. And I go, yeah, what's up?

He goes, ah, you haven't checked your phone, have you? And I go, no. And he goes, Norm McDonald died. And I go, what? No. And he goes, yeah. And it was one of the few times in my life I just hung up the phone and immediately started sobbing. And I sobbed

for like a half hour. I just completely lost it. He was like really like one of my close friends. Wait for a fight, huh? It was awful, dude. And then I found out he had cancer for a long time. Didn't tell anybody. It's still really hard.

Everyone's pretty shook by it. Do you remember the last time that you had seen him? I hadn't seen him for a while. But the last time I saw him was at like at a bar by our place. And he would watch. She was a big gambler.

But the last time I talked to him when I was quarantined in Minnesota he would, uh, I'd text him and I go, hey, what's up, dude? And he goes, ah, what? Who's this? And he would do this all the time. I go, it's fucking Nick, dude.

And he goes, ah, Nicky! What are you doing? And I'm like, nothing, I'm quarantined. And he goes, ah, he didn't stand up? And I'm like, no. The fuck? Who wants to stand up? And he goes, what's your plan? And I go, I don't know.

I'm going to kick it here. And then I think I'm going to go to Key West. And I go, I might just retire though and just move to Reno and just get like a residency. And then I'll just live in Reno and just work there. Just be like an old comic.

And he goes, it's sort of hot. He goes, ah, that's a good idea. And I go, yeah, I don't know, whatever. He goes, nah, maybe I'll join you. We'll both headline Reno. Dude, Reno's fucking a mess. I go, no, I don't want to do that. So I go to Key West.

A month later, he calls me. He goes, hey, what are you doing? And I go, I don't know, I'm in Key West. What's up with you? And he goes, when are you going to Reno? And I go, dude, that was a joke. I'm not moving to fucking Reno and retiring as like a comic.

And he goes, ah, fuck. I thought it was a good idea. And I'm like, no. And I talk to him. And then his close, close friend, his closest friend, Lori Jo, I hit her up after Norman passed and I was like, hey, are you doing okay?

And she goes, one of the last things before Norm died, one of the last things he talked about was moving to Reno with you. Yeah, and I go, are you serious? She goes, yeah, he was like, he really wanted to do that. And I was like, oh, I mean, he cried again.

And yeah, it was just that was Norm, it was really awful. Damn. I'll tell you, I have so many Norm stories, but this is one of my favorites. And I was on tour, me, Sandler Spade, Rob Schneider, and Norm was kind of like the wildcard

he would pop in for certain dates. So we're, and I believe Mohican Son in Connecticut and we're backstage. Everyone's in Sandler's green room talking, shooting the shit. And me and Norm are in the hallway hanging out. And I don't know why did this, long hallway and this guy walks in,

wait on the hallway, walks in the door, and I'm like looking and we're always kind of suspicious about people to come backstage. And I go, I think that guy's a gun. And Norm goes, what? And I go, I think that guy's a fucking gun, dude.

And he's like, oh my god! And he runs into Sandler's room and he goes, there's a gun! There's a man with a gun! And I was like, no, no, no, there's not. No, no, no, I'm joking, there's not. And he goes, no, no, no, next time there's a guy with a gun! And Sandler goes, what the fuck?

There's a guy with a fucking gun? And Spade's like, oh no, what the fuck? And I'm like, no, there's no gun! There's no gun! I just, I was making like a joke just for Norm. And Norm's like, how's that a joke? And I'm like, I don't know!

And Sandler's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I'm like, I don't know man. And I'm like, I'm just gonna go to my room. And Norm's like, yeah, I thought there was a gun. I'm sorry, Nick said it. I'm like, lord. Real buzzkill.

And the guy walking past it was a security guard. But yeah. So he really did have a gun. He didn't have a gun, but he just looked like somebody that would have a gun. Yeah, well people use guns for security, man. It was just not a good joke on my part, especially for Norm.

Did you guys ever work together or not? We did those shows together, and we did like... Oh, I got a Norm story too. You know, we never like, we're on stage together, like fucking Bonnie and Clyde, or whoever do what with it. I was at a...

I don't think it's... Is it Bonnie and Clyde? I don't know. We can hear our security guard, he's one of the shitter. Oh good, yeah. Bro, he had... I don't know if he eats at like a trough or something,

but he has the worst. Who, Norm or the security guard? The owl movements, the security guard here. And he's a parking attendant, but his shirt says security. I'm like, that's a... Yeah. Sounds like no one's safe from that bathroom.

Yeah. But he's in there about probably... If I go in there, he's in there one out of two times when I go. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, he needs an armadillo. Oh, he needs... He clogs up that drain.

He does, he does. No fucking scales. Just clean. No scales, baby, this bitch is clean, boy. Damn, I got my baby a damn freaking scaleless dilla, baby. God damn. I can't...

People want scaleless armadillos. You bet I'm looking at Titty tonight, son. Damn, boy. I'll eat half of my own asshole, son. I'm fucking... I'm looking at scaleless dilla, son. It's on, baby. Fuck. It is on, bro.

I will fucking eat a pecan out of my cousin's ass, baby. Feel me, let's go. On Christmas morning. Let's go, Elvis Presley. You think you can do a good Elvis Presley impersonation? I could make an attempt. I don't know if I would ever use it on anything.

I'll have a blue... Blue... Alright. She... Who let the dog down? Who let the dog... Who let the dog... Who let the dog down?

I didn't tell me I know what my deal done was. Me! He dies, he goes into a stroke. Oh, damn, dude. And that's, uh... Who is that? That's Benedict Cumberbatch? it was. Yeah, that was Ben DeCunbury batch doing Elvis

Presley. Um and that was Steven Seagal. And that was Aaron Gonzalez. Is that your Aaron Gonzalez? Yeah, it's correct. Go pass. Yeah. Um no, so I went to I had to go to this casino one time with Norm, right? And he's gambling then. No, he was playing on the show. Adam, he was there and I somehow got the feature, right? Mm hmm. So, Norm's headline and I felt like Norm was on pills or he was a little bit lit but I don't know if that's true. Some people say he never did any drugs. I

don't know. He seemed like he was off. He he he took but he could have been yeah, he could have just been having a this was like he had cancer for a while. Right. So, who knows? Uh I don't even know. So, but this is when I was alive and you know in my past. So, what happened was I go on stage and I ran the light, right? I was like not cool but yeah. And it was literally in a barn like attached to a casino like the place where you could hear like there were like live births

like there was a lot going on, you know. Oh, from animals or people. Oh, I mean, who knows? You know, thick things. You just heard the sludge. Oh, you heard. You heard some pussy slug. You heard you let the bodies hit the floor. There was nobody catching these things or being born, you know? It was just a lot of uh skinny fallen. They're free falling and then they would hit the ground. A lot of skinny puppy, you know? A lot of babies that were fart powered. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's

my son, you know? Oh, a little robo fart. Just that kind of So, who books this gig? Helen Keller? So anyway, he goes out there and he's he is like you can barely even hear him. It's bad. He's just kind of garbling his words, right? Right. So anyway, the next day, we're all downstairs. Jerry Mathers is there too. Okay. What? Well, no. Swear. Jerry Mathers is Beaver from Leave It To Be. Bring up a picture of Jerry Mathers, please. Also, that's a real show for the all the

kids out there. Leave it to Beaver. It's called Leave It To Beaver. Yeah. And Beaver was like the rascal son, right? Oh, all old shows are porn's now, right? There he is right there. Yeah. And uh what the fuck was he doing? Giving birth? He would. Eddie Haskell. I mean, bro, he was the same show. And yeah, and Eddie Haskell died recently. R.I.P. Very sad. But um uh I'm not sure what it was. I think it was Miss. He lived in a nice neighborhood. I think it was Miss

Applebaum or whatever he whoever the teacher was that he was always at odds with, you know? Yeah. Miss Crab Apple or whatever it was. But anyway, uh so I get up, I got I get up there. Um oh, in the morning. Oh, so Mathers is there, right? And I said to him, I was like, he's like, I was just talking to him. I was a huge fan. I had signed. I bought an autograph picture of him when I was a kid. I had him on my wall at home. I had a Jerry Mathers autographed picture of him. That is

gross. Because his name was Theodore and my name Theodore. Oh, that's right. So, I was just keyed in, right? So, anyway, uh I don't wish this story would end. You were like leave it to Sleezer, dude. He had a fucking thrown on your fucking eggnog on his face. Where do you live? I said, I live in Santa Monica. He goes, I used to get some pussy in Santa Monica. Oh, that's exactly what he said, bro. Geez. So, right there, I'm a little shook. I'm excited. You know, I'm still

excited that it's him but I'm a little shook. Right. But anyway, in the morning, Norm's downstairs, we all have to play in this poker tournament. That's part of the weekend deal, the package. And Norm's like, man, a lot of hot chicks here, huh? And I'm looking around and it's like nobody's that nobody's hot in this area, right? There hasn't been anybody hot here. If somebody here were hot, you would know about it immediately. Right. They'd be on a calendar. They

would be on the news. Yeah, they would be on the news. Yeah. Deterral. Yeah, they would be on the news, bro. Yeah, if a decent strand of jeans pass through this town, the fucking fire alarms would go off, right? There has not been. They would be from the news to a milk carton in like a week. There has not been a a unique strand of GTA C to roll through this area in fucking says fucking. Norm was definitely on pills if he was like looking around here. Right. That's him. That's

him. Tailor. Yeah. So, I thought he was serious, right? Because I don't really know him. I'm like, yeah, man, there definitely is. And then he goes, fuck no, there is. That's that's so him. That's amazing. He like baited me into believing that. Yeah, and then fucking pulled the rug out. Yeah. Did he was? Fuck no, there isn't. It's so hard because he never I mean, I was one of his good friends for a long time. I'm talking like 15 years. Wow. And I still was

like, I could kind of gauge but sometimes I was like, what is he saying? Right. But he he was out of his out of this world. And did he chase a lot of women? Did he have a wife or anything? No, I never met a wife. He has a son Dylan who's really cool. So, he must have did sex once at least. I mean, I never saw he was addicted. He was a big gambler. Really? He loved gambling. And he he had a bit he he always had so many gay jokes but I never knew him to be gay or anything but he had

a joke. He was on Letterman and I don't know. It was Conan and he goes he was promoting his book and he goes, yeah, it's not a memoir but and it's just it's a book and he goes, you know, it's I don't talk about being deeply a deeply closeted gay man and Conan goes, what? You're gay and he goes, what? No, why'd you say that? He goes, well, you just said he goes, no, I'm I'm deeply closeted and he goes, so you're not gay. He's like, no, no, I'm straight as an arrow and he goes and he goes

and I'm paraphrasing forgive me but he goes, you know, deeply closeted me as a guy who's gay but he's so gay. Well, you won't admit it. He hides it and he's like, yeah, no, I'm straight. It was such a fucking good bit. Again, I fucking paraphrased it but it's on YouTube. That's funny, man. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, I watched one of his clips and he was on I think The View. Did you see that clip? No. When they're trying to get him to like he's trying to be very realistic. The show's like ultra liberal and he's just

trying to be just a realist like. Yeah, that's how he was. Yeah, and they're like, they won't, they're like, you'll never be back on this show. They're all joking about it and stuff and he wouldn't because he wasn't like just kind of conforming to whatever like, I don't know, just some ridiculous story. Why would they have him on? I don't know. That's so weird. Like he's so not, I can see him doing it like if they offered it to him but I can't. Here we go. Let's get a little bit of it. The Democrats don't steal the election from the winner, you know, but

who knows. You like George Bush, don't you? I love George Bush, man. He's a good man, decent, you know, none of this. And he's, you know, he's not a lie or a crook murderer or anything like that, so it'd be good to get the, see, I don't, I think we should get the homicide out of the White House and get like a fresh start because we don't want any more murderers. I think we should just go on to the next question. Who are the murderers? Yeah. Oh, Clinton, he murdered a guy.

Yeah, you know, we're not allowed to put out no accusations without him. That's a little too far. That's the way it does work. Let's just go on to the next one. Yeah. This is not my week. What can I tell you? Oh, it's not mine either and I'm being very nice, okay? He's a good boy. Now, Norm. Do you ever hear that? No. Listen, we don't need to talk about this. I don't want to hear it and this is not the place to make those accusations and you're supposed to be funny.

Let's go on. Exactly. So get with it. There you go. This is a live show. I've been up to Norm, but you have been properly chastised by Barbra. So I'm not going to ask the next question. I thought it was a matter of record. Show up. He's sustained. Let me do this, okay? They don't even want to talk about the fact that maybe the guy murdered somebody. Yeah. Let's talk football. All right, man. Slider.

He's doubling down. Yeah, Norm doesn't play by rules, dude. That's hilarious. You know, cash back credit cards, it's becoming a thing of the past. Bitcoin, that's the future. That's what they're saying. BlockFi has the world's first Bitcoin rewards credit card that lets you earn an unlimited 1.5% in Bitcoin on all qualifying purchases. Whether you're a crypto pro or a total beginner, you can finally earn Bitcoin the easy way with the world's first Bitcoin rewards credit card from BlockFi. Yep. That's it. Wish you got into Bitcoin sooner.

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weekend to get 30% off aura's best-selling digital picture frames. I think comedians don't kind of do you think that there's a thing like I noticed this the other day I was driving with a friend of mine and there was the traffic was all backed up right? Right. And I just go around like it's the interstate like there's you know 700 cars in line. I just go to the outside area where it's not a street you know yeah and just go. And my friend's like I just think that he's a comedian.

This guy John Chris and he's like I think that's just what comedians do. He's like I think you just see you don't want to do whatever the conformity is. You know. Yeah I mean I think that's initially like how how it some comedians. The genesis of comedy is going against the grain like when I was in school when I was a kid I just would go rogue to make people laugh. You know so you're going against the grain and authority in that sense. And some you know I think a lot of comedians

even if they don't do it on stage they you know they kind of go rogue. Yeah. But I mean that's how I was and that's when I was in Key West again for a year and a half people were like like I'm of the ilk of like if somebody tells me I can't do something I'll be like fuck you. Yeah. So when people are like well you can't just stay in Key West and I go yeah I can do whatever the fuck I want. And all these people are doing that I'm like you know you're making it way worse when you keep telling me that I can't do that. And I just my family and my friends are like

so I mean I don't understand. So you're just going to just stay there and I'm like if I want to yeah like yeah fuck you. Yeah. Fucking doing whatever with my life. You know I'm not hurting anybody. I'm like just chilling on an island. Do you uh do you. Do you think you'll retire there. Do you have a retire spot. Is a retire like a real thing. I mean I might yeah I really loved it. I really really loved it. And it was cool. They said a really nice thing to me because like after a while you know at first people like Nick sportsons the

fuck are you doing here. Yeah. And there was a bar and they had like a celebrity like Wall of Fame. They had pictures of people who had been there and I was like oh I've been in Key West for a while and I go hey do you want do you want my picture. I'm like I who managed it goes no man and I go what do you mean he goes because you're just Nick you're a friend Nick we don't look at you like a actor comedian you're just our buddy Nick. He goes everybody kind of thinks that on the island like you're just Nick and it was like really cool and like that's why I loved it and like I'd

walk down the street and people be like hey Nick and I'm like hi looks like awesome. That's cool man. And they have a lot of dogs which I like like they let bar like dogs and bars. Yeah so you go to like a bar and they'll be like seven dogs it'd be so exciting. And if you can't even talk to anybody or somebody's just you can't somebody's just impossible to talk to you just pet start petting stuff. Yeah I knew people's dogs names more than. Oh sure. Which is weird. And is it did you feel near that I feel like it's just I heard also there's no beach there it's

not like a good beach in Key West is that true. There's not like a great beach. What the fuck. There's like one or two. How do you have to be Key West and not have a beach though. And no it is weird and that's kind of a misconception because I was the same way I'm like where the fuck like you can make. Where's the beach bro. Where's the thigh tied up. The big thing is to see some fucking hips slam against each other. Oh yeah I know what you're saying man. You know that's I showed up and I'm like where's that fucking

where the fucking pussy rafts. I'm ready to sniff some fucking bunk out here. Yeah I want to fucking shoot a cumbrella. Just fucking shoot it up and everybody gathers on the fucking beach. I am. But no it's a it's a lot about going out on the boat that's where it like the big thing is. And you go out to sand bars and there's beaches out there and so like boating is a big thing. Everybody's got a boat and they got a golf cart so you travel by golf cart. Oh I like that. Which is fucking dope as shit. And is there a lot of nudism out there.

I also hear it's like a nudist colony. Is there some of that. No it's not a nudist colony. Could you do it. One of my sisters did drugs one time and climbed up to a nudist colony on accident. She was mountain climbing with a friend. She said she was. She was on drugs but um. Those should not go together. Drugs and mountain climbing. And they climbed up to some place. What drug was it you know. I mean if it's cocaine you're like oh. I don't know. I could I. I think it was a smokable drug but not weed.

So something. But um she goes uh and she. Yeah and she doesn't even tell like a funny story. She's like when we're climbing and next you know we had to have lunch at that nudist colony. Apparently they got to like a someplace where they had like some nudes up there. Some you know. On top of a mountain. Or like at a uh flat area that's a long like by a mountain. You know what I'm talking about. A prolapsed asshole. I mean that could be. I think that's what it's called. Damn the old p-laps huh. That's fucking weird. So did they have to get naked.

Uh I don't think so. I think. She fucking did. I bet she did. She was high on some fucking gerrymathers. Fucking shit dude. She was fucking higher. Hopefully she had that little front skunk out. You know what I'm saying bro. What is that. I don't know this is my sister. Can we not talk about this dude. You fucking broader up dude. You're fucking drug. Your drug addict extreme. You're the one who's trying to lead the country to an island that's not even a island. What do you mean try. I went to the fucking thing and it is an island but they built a bridge. So people from

Miami can fucking OD. Yeah. It's not an island then man. It's an island. Dude an island you can't get there bro unless you meet a man who fucking runs a smoothie business and has a boat dude. Dude now you're man island ding. It's like mansplaining but it's fucking what does a man have to take you there. That could be. Why can't it be a lesbo. I'm sure there's some hearty men. Dude I uh let's see if another video question came in. Anything else here we got for Nick. See I'm gone two years and now I'm not in demand anymore.

Oh we got a ton of them. Oh look at fucking gerry. Is this written out. Theo Nick to the power of two. I just wanted to ask you guys what was the most influential sports moment you guys have seen either live or on television that really got you up out of your chair. Got your vocal chords going. For me it was the Seattle Seahawks beating the Packers in the NFC championship in like overtime. But they don't win anymore so it's kind of hard to. Got a little chatty at the end but

seemed like a nice guy. Thank you Kyle Rittenhouse. Kyle's the dude that's gonna like wait no is this his name Kyle. I think so. That guy um it seems like the dude who's like when you're too drunk at the party he's like I'm not drinking man I'll take you home. Yeah. He'll give you a ride. He's like sober cab dude. Yeah that's a compliment. That's like safe friend dude. Yeah. That's safe friend. He's the guy who would get murdered by somebody for being a nice guy you know. Yeah he's the guy that like oh that guy's got

a flat tire and then they pull over to help him and then the tire iron just goes. Next thing you know. Yeah. This jaw is fucking an Alcatraz. Yeah next thing you know you got a flat heart bro. You got a flat heart rate. Your brain just ran out of air dude. You got PSY dude. Nobody fucking knows why you're dead bro. I try to flex seal this shit dude. I just put a can in on the way here man. Did you really? I have 50 PSI right now one of my tires that bitch is ready to bust. Oh dude. Yeah. Yeah boy. Oh to answer your question. The last time I lost my mind I was in

oh in Denver when I was supposed to do those shows and I was at the bar at the hotel and I'm watching the Vikings play the Saints in the playoffs. I'm a big Vikings fan in Minnesota. And they fucking did that crazy catch Casey Keenum to stuff on digs and the bar was full and nobody's watching the game because it's Denver so I'm watching it and I'm like oh my god and then I I've rarely done this. I just started screaming and I fell down on my knees and I put my hand over my head

and I was like oh my god and I started to tear up and then everybody thought that I was having like a problem like a heart attack or like an aneurysm. Oh yeah. So people were like whoa. Whoa man. Hey. Hey. Hey. And then the bartender who I know I've stayed there for fucking ever and he was like no no no he's from Minnesota. They just scored like a crazy fucking play like all time insane and everybody was like oh Jesus and I was like I just lost my shit. I really lost it. That's one of the biggest I've lost.

What about you? You're a Saints fan aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? Are you Saints? I can't hear you. My other favorite was against the Saints and Kyle Rudolph called it touchdown and I was like I don't want to get you. Who dat? Who dat? That's the guy that's the guy in your living room the next week. And then the Vikings blow it so it all evens out.

Um I you know what I was pretty burned that was one of the worst moments ever as a Saints fan for sure because yeah that had to be awful. I paused the game for the fourth for like it was literally I think three and a half minutes left and I stopped the game because I had to do my podcast because I had to get it out for the next day right. Right. So towards the end of the I figure I'm just gonna watch into the game when I get done. We're up by 10 you know we're up by 10. Yeah you're up. And you guys had the ball so I was like oh we got this we're gonna move on to the next round and then my brother called I saw him

kept calling so I actually put the call into the episode and I was like what's going on he's like man you're just you're not gonna believe us and what we might even be able to maybe we can put the clip in if we do it'll be right here but he's like they did some type of play and the angle the defensive guys had it just and we lost the game and I'm like how did we fucking it was impossible. And you went to your DVR and we're like hello darkest man. Well we didn't even do a crazy play. Everybody hurts. The tackle like he just went low and Stefan jumped over him or he should have just gone in full

body. Yeah. He just tried to do like a little I think it's called a falcon crest. Yeah. And uh yeah I felt bad for the defenders. I did too. That shit was horrible. But the best playout I've ever seen. I was there when Kobe scored 81 points I remember. That was kind of an interesting time. That's the only Laker game I've ever been to actually. And what else dude. Oh. You know Sam was making a movie about Sean Payton. Kevin James is playing Sean Payton. I almost auditioned to be in it. You should have gone in for that

shit. I know. Played Sean Payton's wife or something. I should have. Or his concubine. Ooh I like that. I don't know if he has a concubine. I could have played Alvin Camero maybe or you probably. Yeah. Drill Breeze if I'd have been in a freaking wheelchair. What? Drew Breeze is dope. No. Drill Breeze. Say if Drew Breeze got hit by like a car or something. Oh okay. Like in an alternate universe. He just gonna change the whole like storyline. Yeah an alternate universe. He's got named Drill Breeze. Yeah. But he still plays. I mean he's like

they want him to play but he can't you know. But he still does because he's Drill Breeze. He's like the Stephen Hawking of footballers. Kind of. Right. You know. He's like left blue fifty two. Blue fifty two. And he just has like a t-shirt cannon instead of like an arm. So he's just like then just shoots the ball every place to say Hail Mary. That would be a fucking amazing movie. Dude we just wrote a fucking hit movie. Oh we're good. Yeah I actually I got a pretty good one. I didn't go in. I

should have probably. You canceled it because you had a podcast. Probably. Because podcast is in my control. It's like I like to do stuff that's in my control. Right. I actually might start a podcast. Really. Yeah. Everybody's just been telling me like why don't you do one. I'm like I don't know because I just it's hard doing the road and filming and so it'd be nice to just do a pod. Did you get plastic surgery while you were down there. No why. Your eyes look more like magnetic kind of.

I got magnets in my eyes. Is that what you mean. Oh that could have been it. Yeah they injected magnetism. Really. Are you invalid. Avalon. Yes. Are you an evangelical Christian. Correct. Damn. Yeah I'm also an X-Men now. Yeah. Oh you mean you get a you get a you got this sexual reconstructive surgery. Correct. Yeah and then also I have magnets in my eyes. So if there's somebody's a robot near me my eyes go right on their dick. Or vagines.

Yeah it's exciting. Do you think it will still have comedy in the future Nick. Do you think that this is something that's going to be around for a while. You know you start to see a comedian die the other day. This guy Matt Billen. Matt Bilan Bilan I think. I don't know. Matt Bilan. What prompted do you think comedy will be around in the future. Yeah I don't know. When are people going to not like laughing. Well because here's what's happening. Robots. Well they can they have so much um they can create everything now. So it's like at a certain point you're

still going to need people when they can just create a bot of a human you know what I'm saying like. Comedy bot. Or what do you mean. Well like they're just starting to create like so anyway this comedian in the past way Matt Bilan Bilan uh Billon Billon maybe Billon. Right. I looked the other day I went on Facebook I put Matt Billon death right. Because I was just trying to find out what had happened to him. I didn't I just heard. And there were all these articles that were written but they were written by bots.

So it's like oh that's interesting now like because some of it didn't make sense it would have like some information and then like a ad for like zales like written right into the typing. You know what I'm saying. Right it's gross. But it's like five of the six things I even found about him passing away were written by bots. Why don't you just call somebody that's a comic. Right I agree but I just started. I'm not a stand-up comic yet. But yeah it's just interesting that infirm like bots are writing articles now and some of the articles

they it was you got the you under you you know it was information without the zales. This information yeah. Yeah. Well that's like Instagram. No discount but you got the information. But that's like thing about Instagram too is like I would meet people or friends of mine that are like whatever personalities but I would look on their Instagram and like they have 200,000 followers. I'm like that's fucking crazy. I didn't know they were fucking crushing it that hard. Yeah. And then I would like click on a photo. I'm like oh it's cool photo.

And then there'll be all these comments I would like click on them like but they would be like hey awesome picture. Have a great day. Bubble and all these comments where I'm like who the fuck is this and I'll click on it. And then a couple of my friends I called out I'm like bro there's who is Zbop Zozo Z. Like somebody and they'd be like oh. Or if like you're not even using my holes that's what it'll say something like that and you're like what is this. That would be amazing if there was like a system that would sell

you like bot comments but it was just they could say whatever they want. Yeah I feel like it's a lot of bots out there. I just fucked your mom. What do you think comedy will be like in the future. I mean where do you see it. Do you think it'll always be around or do you think stand-up comedy or it too could get bought it out. Stand-up comedy. Yeah of course because there's nothing like seeing a live show there's just nothing like it. Yeah. When you see a comic live you know you don't know what's what's gonna happen. It's fucking awesome. But they what about all those people

that died at that one event recently. You see that thing that Travis Scott thing. Was he doing stand-up. No he's just singing but. No yeah that was awful. Those people got crushed. I saw a video of like that at a soccer match in England and it's one of the worst I wish I could unsee it and it was a fucking mob pushing against the gate and it was like a fucking almost like a cheese grater. These people are just smashed and they called like tons of people died. It was awful. It's just so sad and that's why like I don't want to have kids dude.

I don't want to send them off to a fucking concert. I'm gonna need they're dead. What concert will you take them to. What was your first concert. Radiohead. Oh really. That was dope. What the hell am I doing. Yeah. God they were good. It was at a small club. It Prince's Club called First Avenue. I mean it's not small but it's like you know 300 400 people and they that their new album The Bunkers. That place or no. It's not bunkers but bunkers. I went to bunkers a couple weeks ago. Oh yeah you were just there but uh yeah and so I saw my buddies like you want to

go see this band Radiohead and I'm like do they sing that's not creep and he's like yeah I'm like all right and he goes yeah they have a new album called The Bends and we went and it was fucking insane. Yeah and then I was like hooked on going to concerts. That's the thing about live shows with comedy like support like your clubs and go see live comedy. Yeah there's nothing like it is. It's so fun. There's nothing like it. There's nothing like it. And you might find a little fucking diamond in the rough. Yeah. Like I used to bring comics that I

would meet that were funny. That were funny as shit you know. Like I had Zach Alfonacus open for me. I had like a lot of people that you don't know what you're gonna see. It's like a band when you go oh that band's great and somebody would be like oh yeah I wanted to bring you to the concert. Like I saw the white stripes you know there. Oh yeah. Fucking dope. And I was really hip to come. Oh yeah. Music back then. I had two tickets to the white stripes at the L-Rave. It's a great venue. It's like a third full. Like this is just before they broke.

But I knew him. I was like fucking hip as shit dude. Yeah. And I went and it was like it's that third full. Wow. And I couldn't even give the ticket away. I'd call people. I mean years later my friends would listen to him and I'm like yeah I had the ticket I called you. Yeah you didn't care. And then I fucking took a brick. Mesh on your head. Mesh on your head. Fucking eyes. Mesh on your head. Brick to the eye dog. Mesh on your head. Let's see one more question that came up man. And then we'll get you out of here.

Oh wow. Oh I just came you're in. Oh help. Is it Christmas already? What's the question? This guy's doing well right here. See this is what I'm talking about this COVID. Yo what up Nick and Theo. It's your boy Dan calling from up here in northern Maine. Nick I gotta would you rather for you. Okay. Would you rather be able to read people's mind or would you rather be able to see into the future. Theo appreciate you love you baby gang. Gang baby thank you. I'm a northern Maine. I hope to go to Bangor sometime in in May.

That's one of the only states I've never been to. Let me answer your questions. See into the future. How far into the future. We gotta gonna work on that. Read people's minds. The future would kind of freak me out. The mind I could kind of like learn from but the future I don't know if I want to know the future. Yeah. Because that's it's like but again how far into the future. So let's fucking work on that. But I'm gonna go with now fuck it. I'm gonna go with reading the future. If you read somebody's mind you know it couldn't be like literal sometimes I'll

just think a weird shit. Yeah what if the guy's an idiot and you're stuck with him forever. Or what if what if this. What if it's a friend and shop. Yeah. I'm Brent's a friend of mine. That's yeah. But it's only two paragraphs. Yeah. Damn this mind is just like dude what. You're cold dog. But yeah after those guys. Oh dude those guys. That's our fucking job. Bro those guys. Fucking Brent and shop literally looks like a fucking love seat. He bought a Corvette. That's what it looks like. He looks like if white claw were a person.

Like the drink white claw. Yeah he looks like he abominable white claw man. That's what he looks like. We love Brian and Brent. He looks like Paul Bunyan's gay little son dude. He looks like Paul Dudd. Like he fucking just acts. He'll just acts right through his own butt. He'll acts bodies for you. It's a death. All right. I got a rollo. Yeah. I think we covered it man. So is it safe to say that you're back in the business. I think so. I think I'm back. So I'm just getting it all together right now.

Fucking sober Kai again. Are you. Yeah. How long you've been sober for. Um two months. Wow congratulations man. Yeah. We actually you know what we have one more question. Since that I know one of the questions that came in that was good. Let's get it in here. What's up Theo. What's up Nick. This is Paul from Virginia. Um I know both of you guys in the past have struggled with drugs and alcohol. Yeah. And um myself as well. I fell victim to the dark arts recently.

Um and I'm going into a residential rehab here in a couple days. So I was just curious if you guys had any advice for someone trying to achieve a long term sobriety. Thanks gang gang. Gang baby. Okay. I mean do you want to take it or do you want me to jump in first. I think whatever and we can also I mean I just felt like this is we could try to just share anything or experience you know. I mean it's tricky. It depends upon a is it drugs and alcohol drugs which drug you know what I mean. I've done every drug you've probably done every drug.

Yeah I think I have. I never smoked crack. I've smoked crack. You have. Yeah I haven't done heroin. I haven't done heroin either. I always wanted to smoke crack. I did it like kind of on accident. Yeah. I only did it once and I was like oh it's this and then I was like what are they're like that's crack and I'm like why I can't feel my lips. You can hear the trainer coming that's what I hear right here if I I just hear it's all aboard dude that crack train boy. I know. Fucking sprayhound too dude. Welcome all aboard the sprayhound. You will just start. I mean I heard you can't even stop just the e-jack from

coming out of you. I don't know. I just I did it like this second accident once and I was like I don't. Accidental crack. Yeah I was like I already fucked up and somebody handed me a pipe it was fucking glass and I thought it was fucking there was some white shit in it and I'm like oh what's this thing. I want to smoke till my fucking wife and kids are gone that's what I want to do. I mean yeah why not but yeah it was a crack accident. Yeah it was. Let's go. Well no I should take this seriously but

yeah yeah I mean you know it it really depends upon you and you know I'm not a fucking doctor but in my experience which is kind of what you asked it's tricky. I mean it and that's an understatement but you've got to just really I had to pull back a lot because I've been hospitalized a couple times for alcohol and I had to really get a grip on what I wanted out of my life and really take time for myself and you know it sounds corny but love yourself and appreciate yourself and the people that care about you and

just look at the big picture and it's you know I've seen a lot of people go the opposite and not make it out. You really have to figure out what you want to do. I mean do you I don't know that's a really messy answer but no I think it's a good point that's a great that's a great answer I think because that really determines that it's not up to any invisible power. I mean it could be up to God if you need to find a higher power to help you but um but yeah I think trying to have some semblance of what your goal is for

yourself because a lot of times I find if I'm not if I'm goalless and I don't have any real intention then I'm much more likely to fall into the dark arts really for me you know if I'm just letting the world affect me however and I don't have a plan every day when I kind of wake up then of course I'm a fall prey to whatever and there's a lot of dark forces out there man you know freaking everything man. Yeah anything will pull you in it's really I mean in my experience I I've gone back and forth with alcohol

and I've been on podcasts and talked about it I've been hospitalized and whatnot and I finally just had to find a reason and goals like Theo said or I'm like you know this is what I want to do yeah you gotta like care about yourself and stuff like that and drugs are different so I don't know what drugs you're into but in my experience it was alcohol and drugs drugs just that just made me feel like shit like when I would I did coke you know a handful of times you've had the or a handful

damn yeah a handful many times but yeah it's oh I'll need to score from the backside on coke dude that stuff will really my god don't do that you will start at the back of an animal sonny and get to know it but I'll take you gotta want to help yourself you really do like if if you you know just reach out seek help if you need it and but you really really really it comes down to you and wanting to to get help and get off that shit man and it's easier said than done but I've been down that road and sometimes it takes a wake-up call

and I had a couple and sometimes you fucking don't wake up a lot of my friends you know I mean you've had friends who have died I've had half of the comedian friends I know I mean it's just it's just sad you know especially during the pandemic it's been a tough time for a lot of people yeah I think you look yeah I mean I find that 12 step has helped me you know everyone's different yeah yeah I'm thinking about going to a place in January for a couple weeks just to even just get

I'm not even struggling or anything right now but just to have some time for myself to take care of myself you know I've spent so much time working as well yeah it's like I've never sat and thought what's even going on in my life or what do I want do I want me a family or something give me a little armadillo yeah give me a little armadillo bro something for your arm you know or armadillo you know armadillo so yeah get a couple damn well good luck man and hang in there it's a process dude but you

just yeah really just you can do it yeah you can do it man here's the thing other people have done it so you can definitely do it yeah you'll meet a lot you'll meet a ton of people it's you'll it's more than you think of people that have struggled with abuse so you know reach out and yeah be well man yeah good luck man you got this bro you got this some residential treatment all right man Nick Schwartz and welcome back welcome back to the world baby

yeah good to be back um and we'll put you up on socials so people can find you and all of that and and uh man I'm excited to see you back on stage and stuff I know I'm interested to see what's gonna happen I two years is a long time yeah it is man rock the mic it's awesome gang baby now I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break

and let myself online shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story shine on me and I will find a song I will sing it just for you and I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past and these rules that I've been riding on they want something that they're damn they're gone now just now they just weren't built to last