This Past Weekend - E379 Return Vibes

Episode Date: February 10, 2022

Theo returns with another solo episode to reflect on how he spent his January, Florida tour dates, his urban Ayahuasca journey, and Olympic complainers. ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: BetterHelp: Go to https://www.betterhelp.com/THEO for 10% off your first month. Upstart: Go to https://www.upstart.com/THEO to find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today. DraftKings: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app, use promo code THEO, and get FIFTY SIX TO ONE ODDS on either team.  Modiphy: Go to https://www.modiphy.com/theo to get 50% off your starting cost. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “The Come Up” by Eddie 9v: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jHN09U2420 "Do More Good" by Cordovas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLYqwb3TN3Q ------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 525 Royal Pkwy PO Box 292634 Nashville, TN 37229 ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Jimmy https://www.instagram.com/jimmyrector/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Gang, baby gang Good to be here happy February If you believe in it if you practice it You know, I know that a lot of folks out there don't really You know the calendar isn't their thing they do they just kind of go on time overall You know start finish, you know, they just They're more that headstone is really their thing. That's their clock They're not on the calendar like we are but if you celebrate February and you believe in it then

Then uh Then I'm similar to you and happy February Um, you know, I was thinking when I was growing up, they had a fella named Jean was his name and His name was Eugene But they didn't people didn't nobody thought much of them So they just called him Jean because they didn't want to You know probably waste the time on the on the the baguette the extra part of his name

It is say I'm calling him Jean, you know it felt ain't worth the time and Um and He had the thinnest skin. I mean damn you wouldn't even you'd ask him for you cut on a light bulb around him It's skin to so damn thin you I mean just My god You know, you could see you could see what was going on You could see his heart it just pumped and it was heading to his hand and it was heading back

You know come the blood you could see it commuting in him. That's how he was just his skin so thin You know if he was gonna get a pimple hell you knew before you could tell in advance you just see it form It just thin skin really I Don't know if maybe his you know When his parents had made love or whatever they didn't really do it good enough or well, I don't know what happened You know, I'm not a scientist But um But yeah, you'd see, you know, I'm her one time he

Tried to do a cigarette and he had to smoke it from so far away He had to just lean his neck out and get the tip of it because he couldn't get his body that close to the flame Because he'd feel that heat You know, and he was always umbrellaed up people keep him umbrellaed up And so he couldn't do any outdoor sports, you know, Jean, you know Jean couldn't do no outdoor sports because the sunlight would just he'd lose before he started You know he'd be at the starting line He'd write finish on that bitch and lay down. He just couldn't handle the because his skin he only had so much skin

And that's who he was, you know and And everybody thought he wasn't worth much, you know, they didn't even call him his full name And then we kind of got to an age I think it might have been nine or 11 or even could have been seven And when swimming was big, you know people, you know Swimming when I was really, you know swimming was just You know, I didn't know anybody that had a pool till I was probably I don't know maybe 13 probably anyway swimming came out and Jean got in the pool

And Jean got in the pool Swimming was indoors And so the sun the elements they weren't of that that wasn't an issue And dude Since he only had a few layers of skin he probably had three and a half layers of damn skin on him You know, he was just so thin skinned that The water, you know, because a body is what? 79% water probably

You know, if you if you haven't had anything to eat, I bet it's even a little more than that once you put lunch in your body I bet it probably drops down about 79% but Oh But anyway, once he, you know, so your body is that much water once Jean got in the pool, man dude it was He was his skin there was nothing no there was hardly nothing between him and the water of the pool and the water of his body and he was just like a damn

I mean Just like a little salamander You know that it just won a damn scratch off and he was running that bitch back in there I mean, he would just he I mean, he just uh He's that good You know It just took a while sometimes sometimes it takes a while

You know, you don't know what You don't know why whatever you're doing why it is or what you have you don't know Why you have it You know You don't know why you have it You know, you might have one arm and so, you know forever, you're like damn dude You know, where's mother on? And then somebody comes along and just tells you to hold something

Anyway, let's get into it, baby There you go, baby And there you go right there that's eddie, uh That's eddie nine volts with the come up and um Yeah, good to be here. Happy to be back on a solo episode. Uh, thank you guys for your patience. Um um What's been happening a lot

A lot occurred over the past I think it's been maybe six weeks Uh since I was in here doing solo and um I want to thank everybody for their support Uh through messaging through um mail You know, we've got a lot of uh

You know hard mail You know, um You know boxed boxed. I thought boxed messaging and uh, you know Licked mess licked mail that people sent and uh, I just want to say thank you for that Um, we'll do uh anthrax challenge soon and open that up And also I want to thank you guys for um, I want to thank you for uh, just the support And coming out to the shows over the past six months

you know, um As the tour was kind of getting its feed and You know the old special was the was coming out and the new material was making its way in It was a lot of transition and um And man this weekend this past week we went to florida And I felt like it was the wheels were on baby I felt like that thing was in four wheel drive

so uh Just thank you to everybody that's come out in the different cities. Um at the end of last year and just for the support I know a lot of you guys come you you don't even care about the comedy you just care You just want to show support You know and I feel that I want to let you know I feel that and uh Uh Yeah, and just I want to thank a lot of you guys just for loving my for for loving me when I couldn't even love myself at times

You know, um I want to thank you for that so, uh It's hard for me to feel that kind of uh It's hard for me to feel it. It's hard for me to feel when people care, but um I'm doing my best and I and I see it and uh And thank you. I just want to say thank you very much for that support um, what's going on man

Well a lot uh What have I so? Here I wrote down some stuff in here so just so I could have some idea um things to talk about how I spent my january so um Well a lot of things. I mean, I I I'm mostly You know, I I haven't Uh, I haven't felt good for a long time

You know, I haven't felt good. I have for a couple years and something had been bothering me and I've talked about it on here and um Something had been bothering me. I just felt uh I think there was a couple things going on one I was exhausted And then two something was really bothering me and I couldn't tell exactly what it was or What things it was it was like a damn group of goblins. I felt like And they were hanging out just

Just under the earth. I just kept It was like I had this A lot of anger and I didn't know why um And one of the things that was going on I wanted to I thought that I was getting all I wanted to get off antidepressants Because I thought that was preventing me from having a lot of my feelings You know, I thought it was preventing me from uh

Getting figuring out what was going on with myself like on the interior because I couldn't access my feelings You know the antidepressants kept me at like a comfortable space And it felt like there was stuff that was under there And then also I was noticing about like trying to be in love or um Or you know with relationships and dating I was having trouble getting into like a Any other mode than just

Wanting to be you know doing touch or You know jerking each other or whatever, you know, or just one of it, you know I was getting you know, and then the female but you know what I'm saying like so that's what I'm saying, but um Yeah, I was having a tough time with a lot of that. So I wanted to get off antidepressants. And so that was kind of spooky Because damn well you get off antidepressants You hitchhiking son You hitchhiking You know what I'm saying man, I before that I was in a I was in a uber

I was I was sitting in the back seat Having me a couple of uh, you know Talkies or whatever, you know, uh, Fritos chili cheese flavored and I don't like them But I accidentally picked those up instead of the regular bag because the bags look too simple The bags look too similar So anyway, I'm sitting back, you know, I was in a the Lord's uber, baby. I was on antidepressants But you get off them bitches you standing on the side of the road Yo, shit is raw. You you got your thumb out, baby. That's cold

And it's cold Um And I thought I was gonna take a break and go off to do some do a treatment center, but I couldn't Uh, I started working with therapists heavily and I couldn't figure out like what do I want to go for like what is my real Issue what is really and I didn't know So, you know, I don't want to end up in some center for damn, you know People that can't see well, but I can you know But I'm seeing pretty decent, you know, I don't want to be in there doing like, you know

That little chart to em You know Leftwardy upwardy And I'm just fucking ace in the shit And everybody else in there got a damn, you know, one of those sticks. They're you know, beating or whatever looking for, uh You know, whatever that you I guess you just try to beat the Truth out of the air in front of you. I don't even know what they do with if you have like a bullet Do with if you have like a blind stick or whatever, but um

Or just get the air to tell you What's in it? I don't even that that whole thing's never made sense to me, but um Anyway I'm losing my train of thought But yeah, so I wanted to see what was going on man. So I started and I couldn't find like an exact Place that I wanted to go and I didn't know what for Uh, I just knew that I wasn't feeling good So I just decided to go to meetings. I started going to meetings. Um

for Like They're basically like sex and love addiction, but the real thing you're in there That wasn't my thing. I don't have a sex addiction But I do have like a uh I noticed an addiction and a Interesting relationship with um attention

And admiration female especially female admiration Uh So I started going to a lot of meetings about that and I started going to a lot of AA meetings I was going to two meetings a day. Um Just to be social just to have like a social environment that was like, um A place where people were sharing their thoughts and feelings You know, because I really will I've really got intent on trying to figure out what is what is Why is there something in me that's always, you know

That's always in pain kind of And I'm not trying to have a pity party or anything. I'm just trying to share what happened with me. So So anyway, I got it. I got into um I started going to meetings. I was doing that and I was off the antidepressants and it's wise dude you'll be talking to somebody and like Somebody will pat you on the back and it just

It feels like a pat on the back you never got and you just start just tearing up and it's real You sent you see all your feelings that haven't been doing anything them bitches been milling around some of them are pissed Some of them have been doing damn oxy I mean, you know, they're doing oxy con some of them are on pre-workout You know, some of them have been in zoo culture. There's a lot, you know, they've been milling around So you got all these feelings once you're off antidepressants. I did anyway And I'm not telling you to get off them

Don't do anything that I do ever And maybe you know talk with a doctor, but yeah, I went to I talked to the doctor and then I weaned off and that was that so And I started micro dosing psilocybin, you know, because that's like an alternative so You know, I got like a Whatever dose you the the dose you're supposed to get and started doing that um And I started working my step work and in different programs and different recovery programs

And then So, I don't know who was talking about ayahuasca And it could have been either Neil Brennan or um Jason Ellis, I know we spoke about it when he was in with tony hawk and I talked with neil about it. Oh and a friend of mine

uh A couple friends of mine went Brittany schmid a comedian she performed with me somewhere. She went a couple people went and And so next thing, you know, I'm so I got signed up I got signed up for ayahuasca, man. And uh So I was going I was seeing my therapist. I'm telling my therapist This is what I want to do and they were in support of it

And so like a lot of therapy and like I was getting some pretty good traction with a lot of my feelings and things that were making me upset um And then I had this moment during the holidays too. This was a big part Where You know, a lot of my ish a lot of my stuff has come from, you know, uh I think childhood neglect really I didn't know when I nobody was really tickling me. Nobody was looking at me and loving me And I'm not complaining

You know, it hurts me, but I'm not really uh, I'm not here to complain about it. I'm just telling you what happened So I was home for the holidays And I was down by my mother's house and You know, I'd really just been struggling and I had a lot of feelings because I'm off these antidepressants and um, um And I'd kind of been keeping my distance from my mother I it there's something about the relationship that's been tough for me and I don't know what it was

And I just needed some space um And I went down to her place and I was sitting there with her talking and she giving me a gift and uh And I just broke down and I broke I was just sobbing. I mean just I just like Damn just like Niagara like somebody like some

You know, like some damn real estate wizard had moved a little, you know Eight square inches of Niagara from Canada right down onto my face in Louisiana And I'm just balling Uh, just really just just suffering honestly just say just Just a lot of stuff I think from just probably being young. I don't know And uh And my mom she didn't say nothing she didn't come and put her hand on me or say anything So after a few minutes, I've you know, I got myself together and uh

And I asked I said, well, dang mom, you know, I said it seemed kind of strange that I'm sitting there really suffering and um And you didn't check on me, you know and And she said oh, I thought you were just really taken aback by the gift that I got in you And it was a nice get there was like some vitamins there. Yeah, some Vitamins or something it was it was thoughtful not I'm not this isn't I'm not judging my mother Uh, and I'm not criticizing her

but it just I realized then there's just some disconnect. There's something where she does she did she there's some inability for her to express the type of Affection or attention that I would need From someone in that position And then it started hitting me that this is the way it had always been my whole life My whole life I've been wanting

Just somebody to be there when I suffered or when I was hurting or anything And nobody ever was when I was a child. There was no You know, I don't have any memories of being hugged. I don't have any of that kind of stuff from growing up uh ever You know and I'd always thought that maybe if I do something if I behave a certain way if I Achieve a certain achievement, then I'll get this will this

Something would change in my relationship Um with my mother Who's my biggest fan by the way, I mean she watches the podcast every week and you know and I love her for that And I love her for that uh, but there's just some there was something that there's some And she even sent me a message she texted me later and And we spent time over the holidays after that and stuff But it was just a real telling moment for me that man all my life This is how it had been and I always thought there was something wrong with me

But there's just some disconnect. She just Just probably no one had ever done it to her When she was in pain or when she was hurting nobody had ever Taught her, you know had been loving towards her or whatever. I don't know but anyway Uh So that was like a wild, you know, that was just a heavy moment and it was a lot of things it made me Realize that there was nothing I could do anymore

to get There was nothing on earth that I was going to be able to do to get my to get what I needed from my mother and I'd always thought there was I'd always thought they thought just get You know Even with comedy with with everything I thought, you know, maybe If I can get everybody in the world to love me Then maybe I'll get my mother to love me

Um And it's not that she doesn't she loves me It just the elements that That I need to be loved the way I need to be loved or that a child does No one probably maybe did them to her. I don't know. I'm not judging her or anything. This isn't a judgment Um You know, I'm not trying to talk bad about her but it just was uh

No one I don't know. She doesn't have that. It's almost like a blind. It is like a blind person. They can't see she can't do it She can't do it and it had never been more evident to me and in my whole life I'd never realized it until that moment where I'm sitting there and I am like Man, I was just really just bubbly You know, and there was no reaction from her Um or there was no I'm sure she was hurting for me, but

There's just she doesn't have that thing where The ability to comfort You know, uh, I don't know and some of that I'm still learning. I don't know everything But anyway, so that was a wild thing, you know, and that was a lot because then it made me like a lot of anger I was like man my whole life this is how it had always been like everything made so much sense to me now like Why I'd spent my whole life I'd always become such good friends with my

Girlfriend's mothers and with my friends mothers and like I was always looking for this For this thing for this connection that I just had never had Never had You know and it made me even think when I was a little kid that I probably was really struggling and nobody was right there, you know And maybe that my mother even saw me struggling but didn't have the thing inside whatever that is And I don't think it's a choice that she made I just think it's uh, it's some it's like almost like a autism Um It's like an emotional autism

um And I'm not judge, you know, I can't do all this and like You know, there's part of me that'll always be angry and stuff, but I'm not You know, this isn't about being angry at my mother I can have that time but it's like being angry at somebody who can't Who can't uh? Who can't eat chocolate or for not eating chocolate, but they don't have a um a mouth or a tongue And so you're sitting there just yelling at them for not eating chocolate

But they don't have a mouth or a tongue So anyway, that's a lot of information. I didn't even know if I really wanted to share that and I don't know I don't know if it's the right thing to share. I never know what the right thing to share is sometimes, you know um But I'm just trying to tell you where I'm at. There's other I'll tell you other great stuff. I'm going to the Super Bowl um That's going to be exciting. You know, I'm going to try to pop down to mardi gras uh

But then so but I want to tell you a little bit more about what happened, but also I got to tell you um That we got some uh tour dates. I got to do oh and I did an ayahuasca. I did ayahuasca So that's where this kind of heads to and um Um, anyway, I'll get into that in a second. But here we are right here. We got this the tour dates Uh rockford, elinoy february 25th chicago, elinoy february 26th Uh lafayette indiana and tulsa oklahoma are sold out los angeles may 7th

and those will all be um Theovon.com slash tour And get your tickets through there. Don't go to these other Aftermarket sites. They put a dam, you know, they put some rockford five skates on it They put a dirty spoiler on it and now they're selling you to take it for a thousand. Don't do that Um What do I want to tell you okay right now we got to do this if you're struggling with something And you need some help

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That's right. You'll help you um So anyway, that's I had a lot going on. I was going through step work. I was uh, You know, I was Doing really good therapy man. I got a finally got a great therapist that I was working with and I was just having conversations that were real because I could access my feeling man. My feelings have been like goldilocks You know, they'd been sleeping in my bed, but I wasn't home, baby, you know My feelings had been

I mean it had just been this long game of hide and go seek And now they were right there, but it was also Dude, I was having I mean I had afternoons where I wanted, you know It was really tough And there's some moments where it is still tough uh But it was it was man. It was really really tough. There was moments man where I didn't want to be a lot, bro There was moments where I didn't want to be alive man, honestly, and I don't say I'm not trying to be negative

I'm not trying to tell you that I don't You know that I don't love myself or anything, but it just It hurt You know, I've been on antidepressants for 18 16 16 years. So I there was a lot of stuff um You know, and I don't even know if I should have shared that story about my mom I've been kind of wondering if I should have shared it. I don't want

I don't want my mother to think that I don't love her Um But I just I do want to be able to share what Go because all the all these years I'm sharing about how my feelings are having I'm having a tough time and then now I'm able to get a moment where Oh, I see what's going on here I See why my all like why I uh Why every time I see like a woman smile

Something about it make I have to I need that You know, if it's you know why the attention of a woman it my everything in me turns I remember one night at the comedy store, uh Uh, I think joey d hasn't been up there bruh and he was down He was on you know 7 000. He was on some damn, uh You know, he had a where he was wearing neil diamonds around his neck and he had damn, um You know probably 80 000 milliburts or whatever in him of you know, something magical

He was just spanning baby. He was up there just neil armstrong and with no helmet baby You know what I'm saying? He's that mars daddy, bro. He was nipping on Neptune He was sitting on Saturn baby. He was out there diy moon landing dog um And I remember I'd had a great conversation with him. We just been chatting and having a nice time and Then I walked out on the porch and there was this pretty there was this attractive girl and

I tried to get her attention. I couldn't really get it and I saw her a little bit later in the evening and and And I tried to get her attention. I just I was afraid to approach her and uh And then she I don't know I started talking to somebody and then they she left And I was so I

The fact that she hadn't Engaged with me or meant or just or that I hadn't engaged with her something about it Not but no blame on her But just the fact that I wasn't brave enough to her or would have something about that just that I don't even know I don't know. I have no idea who she even was But something about that moment. I remember that was a night. This was years ago, but it was a night that I relapsed It was a night where I just I threw in the towels, bro

Fuck I threw in a whole load of laundry, dog So it just shows me that there's like it's something about affection An attempt if there's some necessary necessary or necessary, uh Not necessary, but some need for an attention Um That has a profound effect on me and always has always has Um, and now I could see why because I there was this thing that I was never getting And when I saw it between my friends and their moms when I saw I wanted to it made sense why I moved out at 14

Why I got emancipated because I needed something And You know, I needed to be love I needed to be seen and love I needed something I needed something uh And this isn't I'm not I'm not I don't need you to feel sorry for me I don't need that I'm just trying to share my story and it's scary to even share it because I don't even know exactly what my story is But I'm just trying to share it, you know, the first question on this thing that I wrote down is what uh,

Or that the producer wrote down possible topics of discussion. How did you spend your January? So Then I got ayahuasca somebody I talked. I don't know Neil Brennan Um, different people I was talking to had done it. I got on the phone with Aubrey Marcus and he was telling me the It just sounded so much like I needed something different And I needed something to look forward to man because I didn't want to get back on the antidepressants Uh And when ayahuasca came on you have to be off antidepressant for 30 day you got to have a 30 day reprieve, baby

So I'm like, oh my god, I'm already been off for like 40 days I have to this is I got to do this Because the wind out I'm because I'm thinking about getting back on and I still am Because damn if I feel like gene, bro Oh I feel like gene in the sun Man, I just realized that I feel like damn gene I was wondering man. I I was wondering why that story was coming into my head

Wow, sorry, man. I just uh That's how I felt Being off antidepressants. I was missing my skin, man I was missing my skin Dude, I remember I stopped at a damn Starbucks. I was crying. This was a crazy moment. I was sitting there my friend I was like, bro, you got him. I'm balling on the phone because all these feel all this Years worth of feeling come in. I'll just Anything

I see some dad walk across the parking lot with his son and it just would spiral me All these feelings that had been trapped Behind this medication And that might not be what it's like for everybody. This is what it was like for me But the craziest part I remember I invited her one thing that was crazy I I was I was having a moment, man And I had my buddy meet me over at all my friend Tim. Great guy. Meet me at a starbucks He's like, just meet me somewhere man. What's going on? And so I meet him and I'm like, but I'm just, you know

Fuck I'm being a and it's not even I'm being a little bitch. It's just this shit would been in me So once you're off the medication, it's like somebody lights the fuse and it's like the 4th of july But all the fireworks are old shit and like, uh They're all fucking there's no fire. I mean, they're fiery, but then bitch has got a lot of salt water in him, baby It's a lot of weird feelings, you know So I'm sitting there and I'm just emoting to my friend Tim and just telling what's going on and some guy drives Passes like kind of bumper to bumper traffic because I'm facing out from the starbucks on a Busy street and he yells out. He's like he honks horn. He's like gang gang

And I'm just I look up at him and my face is just Riddled with tears, man But anyway, man, uh Anyway, so I wanted to do into ayahuasca. So I signed up I signed up, man, and um And that was scary I was excited about it because I had a goal Because I didn't know how long I could be out there off those meds without a some type of a goal

You know, I was going to meetings every day uh And I'd really kind of isolated myself over the over the years in some ways Something inside of me. I had made me very angry. I was in conflict with a lot of people I mean the reason I did all of this even got off the med and I was just desperate Man I was desperate for something different. I couldn't go honestly I couldn't go on living I couldn't go on living. Uh I couldn't go on living like I was living

You know and that's scary to think man when your life is going I mean you look at my life it would seem to anybody like man And I I I was In pain. I don't know why Exactly. I'm not sure. I'm still figuring it out But I was in pain. I was trying to be as grateful as I could And um But I didn't even feel like myself anymore

I didn't feel as whimsical. I didn't feel as I didn't feel like myself Anyway I don't know man. So you know, I don't know if I should have shared all this and But I want to be able to share my truth, you know and uh And I gotta realize sometimes my truth is I see other people and they're doing great. They seem happy They're doing well and this and that And so I don't want to be me then

I want to be them And so sometimes I don't share my truth because I guess because I sometimes I don't know what it is And sometimes I'm afraid that people won't like it if I do share it Or they'll judge me or And I don't want to be the person that's always not feeling good But that's what I had also kind of become in some ways in my in some ways So but that also propelled me to want to get better, but I just

I don't know everybody loved me and I didn't love me And not everybody but a lot of people loved me and I didn't love me and I didn't know what was going on Um So I got so I got to the ayahuasca baby and damn brah Damn boy Mother nature's got some hard tits baby and she breaks them out And she'll put dude mother nature break out of damn penis and let you slur I mean she really she'll let you slurp on it dog. I mean i'm just saying it is

ayahuasca is like It's going to god's garage, baby It's going to god's garage I didn't know I had no idea I had no idea man what it was going to be like And I did the shit hell dude some people go to damn china or you know not china. I mean they're doing whatever They're doing the damn cough bat or whatever over there. They're sucking on but um

I uh I did yeah, I mean at the place I some people go to chile or uh Costa rica, you know foreign Honduran somewhere you know I went right off the interstate man In los angeles. I mean this she you could almost hear the cars going by sometimes And it was with a group it was with a really uh renowned group And that and I it came highly trusted from a couple friends

And uh and so I went I signed up And you go in there and everybody you're in this big circle and every they have a bunch of altars kind of built with all these different little It doesn't feel wicked. It's just about like doing Nate just like really getting back all the gods are on the altars all the Most famous gods anyway You know Yeah, all the famous gods are on there and so you know there's that and then just you take the you drink one meta you drink another and I didn't know anybody there That's how desperate I was there was another one that was like 10 days later And I was like, I don't know if I can get to 10 days later

without either getting back on medication or uh Or just I don't know if I can go I just don't want to wait I don't want to wait and uh So yeah, bro. So I you know I took it in you're sitting there and it's really like a meditative thing To me it seems like a meditative meditation additive Because you're kind of sitting there And I'm trying to think more about oh

And they're playing beautiful music. I mean damn Like somebody stole uh Jesus Christ or Gabriel's playlist or whatever they somebody snagged it You know like somebody beat, you know Like somebody squeezed, uh, Beethoven's eardrums right into the speakers. I mean, they're just They're playing beautiful music And uh and

And yeah, and you're sitting there and then this you kind of start to meditate in the next thing, you know your meditation kind of just goes to a new place and man I started crying you start. I started emoting tears. Just I'm not gonna lie I started emoting tears. Just I mean just damn like I was a dispensary like I was uh You know a suboxone clinic and I'm just this shit's just dripping out of my face, baby Like methadone this shit is just I mean people just kept pressing the serving button and I'm just Like when you do that extreme wash at the car wash and that they you know, the big blasters come on Bam bam bam bam bam bam. That's what I was. That's where I was at And my just tears is flowing out of me

just grief years of just grief coming out of me And little things start to come up. It's like honestly, it's like God just kind of tells you the truth in a way In a comfortable way though It's like a best friend you always wanted kind of And I just started just certain things came up in inside of me and that were really real things. Um Certain moments and memories uh Um

Dude, I yeah, and I I would go drink water like three or four glasses of water And then I wouldn't even have to pee later and I get thirsty again because I was just ballin. I mean just like Some realizations people that I needed to make amends to You know, uh A next girlfriend came up in and it told me that oh, you know, I really had uh Neglected that relationship for myself. I should part of me wanted me to try harder in that relationship things like that where you're like, oh, wow It's almost like your heart gets to talk And your heart says like hey, uh, I really this I really wanted uh, this happened

um And you really are tall you start to talk to like this inner child you this is how this this part sounds wild to some people but You start realizing that there's this like the young you the little you Is always been inside of you and alive And Yeah, it was I mean it was powerful, man It was real powerful Uh

Hey, I'll tell you a little bit more about it. Let me think more what I can tell you about it And if you have questions you can always hit the hotline nine eight five six six four nine five zero three um um Here I got to do uh these other ads man, and then I'll tell you a little bit more about what happened, man I'ma let you know about upstart Upstart what would you do if you didn't have any high interest loan or credit card debt? Would you move to a new city? Would you start a farm? Maybe

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Slash teo. They'll build you a website. There's no cancellation fees. No hidden fees ever Free revamps unlimited updates. It's 249 a month after the initial cost Uh, we use it and we love it modify.com slash theo Um The ayahuasca was really I mean it was just you're sitting in a circle and people are bombing People are emoting they're sharing, you know, like sometimes people are laughing. You're just going through It's like your heart and your brain and god serve up things that I don't know all types of things

um Man, i'm trying to put it into words. It's really hard Uh And the music is so beautiful your brain will just go off on like your your heart will really just go off on a tangent It's almost like your heart gets a brain Um And there was some different things I realized I realized that if I Well, I realized a couple of a couple of kind of sad things popped up like one was that

At some point when I was a child, I wanted to be a girl Uh, because I thought if I was a girl then maybe somebody would love me You know, um And that come it bubbles up and it's like it's such a real When I realized that it broke my heart because it's sad to think that It's sad to think that there's a child out there who Thinks that maybe the thing that's wrong with them is what everything that they are You know and at some point in myself that I thought that about myself

I thought that at my very core at my masculinity That I was wrong. I was Broken or whatever um Or that if I if my if maybe if I was a different gen if I had been a woman then maybe my Parents would love me or whatever there whatever I needed would be provided uh And that so things like that will come up and it's such a real thing that's hit. There's no way it couldn't be the truth

It's so it just grips you And that was really heartbreaking so things like that come up and you're kind of grieving them So I'm just sitting there ball and I'm kind of suffering you just kind of crying silence like and everybody in a circle is doing it so it's not like Uh And then there's these people that are like angels that are like there's a shaman. Sorry. This isn't it's not like Everybody's just like on a zoom, you know, we're listening to some, you know a book on tape. There's a shaman And he's like kind of leading the charge and

Man it was amazing It was amazing and then there's these moments where if you really are suffering And and the shaman I guess he's that they have these these workers that are with the shaman He sends them over to be there with you And I remember one time I looked up and there was this it was a young woman sitting there with me and just sitting and then I'll say anything They just sit with you And

When that happened, I brought a dude I I mean it was like man I Really unloaded because all my life I just wanted somebody to be there with me While I Hurt

I just didn't want to hurt alone I didn't need somebody telling me what to do. I didn't need somebody telling me how to feel I didn't need somebody telling me what would what I could have done better so that I wouldn't have been feeling the way I did Which is probably what I got I got a lot of growing up. I got a lot of you need to do these chores You need to do this you need to do these things you need to take care of yourself But I never got any of the I'm here for you

No matter what I never got an ounce of it So when this person came and sat there, then I blew up again. I'm like, oh my god all I ever wanted was somebody to be there with me while I Wasn't feeling good And so it's not even adults up. It's just moments from childhood that are just trapped in you And a lot of those with the ayahuasca, baby, then things come ripping. I mean they are they're like fireworks They come ripping out of you. What is this plant?

Oh, dang Sorry, I've got a fake plant here. It's saying 119 dollars and this bitch won't leave me alone. No So man, it was just powerful it was a lot There was a lot of things there's things. I'm even embarrassed to even say man You know, because I don't want to sound like a wimp Uh, and that's okay, you know You know, one thing I've noticed about myself my whole life I've shared I've just I've needed affection. I've needed some

attention I've needed people to care Because I didn't have it and so Anything has been negotiable for me in a weird way over my life And some of this I want to share because I know there's a lot of guys out there that kind of struggle with similar stuff that I do You know, I see it in their eyes when we meet after the shows or we meet before the shows or People that come up to me and say, hey, you know, I see it I don't think I'm a rare case in the world or nothing like that. Um You know, uh, and look, I know that a lot of this is all over the place. It's it's still all over the place for me

Um, that was about two three weeks ago and I'm going again in a week and a half To do it again Um, I've had friends tell me that they did it a certain number of times and then they never needed to do antidepressants again I don't know if I'll be able to get there You know, I think, uh You know, I don't know I'm trying so That would be nice

But if not, then maybe I'll I'll have to get back on something And that's okay too. None of this is a judgment if anybody's on a pill or anything. Look Part of me still doesn't know if whether if I should have just got on to a different pill or something, but I don't know if I had another choice the The pain and sodomy was it was coming out of me. It was breaking through it was like I was angry. I was miserable and And I don't know if I if I'll be able to fix myself. I don't know

Uh, but I feel like I'm out here. I feel like literally like whenever they drop that astronaut off on the machine up there Whatever it is some satellite and he's got to fix it or whatever they give him a wrench or whatever. That's how I feel I feel like I'm out trying to fix this You know, uh, but I'm now working with another therapist. I'm doing EMDR therapy um And I try to when I look back in my history. I've tried a lot of stuff to feel better. I've tried a lot of recovery I've tried different

12-step programs. I've tried uh ketamine. Um, I've tried yoga. I've tried different medications. I've tried, uh like a A gut biome thing like, um Uh So I'm proud of myself for trying I'm proud of myself for trying, bro You know, I'm no soft boss dog. Another thing I got into in the past month was uh, jiu-jitsu And that's been helping

That's been helping because you know, I never had a father growing up and this isn't a woe is me There's people's stories out there that are oh That are really harrowing But the only story I have is my own Um And it's okay if my life doesn't fit, you know Everybody whatever every other people are doing, you know, uh I can't

Pretend anymore. I'm not where I'm at You know, um Because it's not fair to me either It's not fair to me either to not to per To be somewhere that I'm not really at sometimes. Um Um So, yeah, I mean a lot of other stuff on the ayahuasca like your Your inner child is right there. So you see all these things you you did as a kid to set yourself up for success

So one thing I realized was like as an adult if like as a child, I took a lot of L's like I set myself up like I went through a lot of grueling moments by myself So I could be successful later And so I'm living my childhood his dreams. I'm living my those are my kids I'm living my childhood I'm living my childhood I'm living my childhood

I'm living my childhood his dreams. I'm living my those are my kids dreams that I'm living right now They're not really my adult dreams. They're my but my childhood dreams. I'm living his dreams And when I look at that it gives it it puts my life in a little bit of a different space Um It makes me really proud of who I was as a kid Which is different for me because I never felt proud All I ever felt was if I do something different or what can I do differently to be loved? That's all I ever felt

And so then the only way I developed any sense of myself was by reactions to what I did So if I started getting loved by people then that's who I was I was whatever I was whatever it I needed to be to be loved And somewhere along the way some of me didn't really develop because I didn't know who I was I don't know if I felt safe to be out in the world. I probably you know

I'm sure at a really young age. It wasn't real. I didn't feel safe. I felt like whoever I was It wasn't okay to be that because I wasn't getting the return that I needed And it was a lot of pressure on my mother my dad was you know a senior city He was all he wasn't around and that was very scary and You know a lot of shit like that, but I'm not trying to get into all that again, but But yeah, so I'm just kind of on this journey and I'm still in the middle of it And Yeah, sometimes I'm ashamed. I'm not ashamed. I just it's scary for me to share some of it. Uh

Because I'm scared I think of what people think I don't you know, which is what I've always been my whole life Probably I'm scared of what people think of me If I'm myself, you know But some cool, you know a lot of neat stuff and uh a lot of adventurous stuff and You know because I would like to be able to have a family I want to be able to fall in love one day and have a family and some of that You know a lot of this old shit keeps me from doing that it keeps me And I don't want to do it and then not you know anything can happen

Who knows if a relationship could do well, but I don't want to I don't know. I just noticed these spaces in my life where it's hard for me It's really hard for me um And one of them is in relationships and jujitsu has been cool because I get to go there and and people help me You know, it's like I can be vulnerable and be like I don't understand. I don't know what I'm doing in this moment in this physical moment And instead of somebody just you know, like sure somebody gonna tap me out

Somebody tap my little ass out, but damn. I mean dude One guy put me on like a damn clip on tie the other day by damn Some dude put me on like a damn Uh cumberbund that dude had me he was headed to prom, bro And I was in a kutrimid that dude freaking wore me down But um But there's moments in there where a guy will help me do something Without judging me or without uh

Giving me any energy that I'm not good enough and I never had that in my life. I didn't have no father I didn't have never had that You know when I was talking with up with Dustin the other day with pourier and he I was telling him that I said man It's just such a magical type of thing and he said man. I know exactly what you're talking about. So I know that there's a lot of dudes in there uh You know and I'm okay man. One of my strongest muscles is my is my is my heart You know, and I'm always been that guy where I got you know

I got tears in my eyes, but barbells in my hands, bro That's always been who I am and I'm not ashamed of that. Um Um, but that's been really cool, man. That's been fun. It's been fun for me to be in a place where I feel safe Uh, and also not safe at the same time, bro, and I tapped a couple clowns out, baby That fredda stare boy, I put it on him dog that hard scarf Some little piglet some little pork chop. I fucking put him in a fucking deep fryer dog praise god um

This show isn't all about me. This has been a lot. Uh There's more stuff um I want to get into just quickly into the news The beijing winter olympics hit by deluge of complaints from athletes Freezing conditions they're complaining about Bitch, it's the winter olympics You can't complain about freezing conditions

if you're doing the winter olympics That's like Being at a hooker house and complaining that somebody's touching your neck Okay You can't you know what I'm saying like they got what else they're saying Uh, they've been served the same thing five days in a row for breakfast lunch and dinner. Bitch. That's china Have you been to china? I was on a train in china a girl opened up a bag of

bird feet and ate them bitches And guess what she was a fucking hot chick So you're in a place where hot bitches is eating bird feets Do you know that Did you google china bitch? Go get find something in your house that's falling apart

That's china dog That's china Okay, that's what we sold america for So don't be shocked when you go to china and shit gets china Shit gonna get china in china The big air ski jump at the olympics looks like it's set next to a nuclear power plant It is dog. It don't look like it. It is baby Get that huff off the air baby. That's god trying to gas you up son

If you think you could jump far regular imagine if you got that nuclear in you son You might jump your way all the way into a fucking dirty bat cage, baby. It's china dog China gonna china You can't be in china and be shocked when shit gets china Come on, man. Damn Behind the skiers launching themselves at the 60-meter high-foot ramp are furnaces tall chimney stacks and cooling towers. Yeah Uh Yeah, bitch that's scenery, bitch

That's scenery Dude that is damn scenery, bro Bro, I remember one time when I was growing up, dude We had a bike ramp right and the best place for it in our area was right by this pedophile's house What he got to sit there and watch us You know, he's sitting there over there like he had a damn delicatessen, bro He's picking fucking future touches out of his teeth But

That's the location of the deal So you can't be shot man. If you go to china and shit gets chinatic You can't be shocked man Y'all complaining too much. Y'all supposed to be Olympians? Bruh Y'all could handle this if y'all Olympians y'all could handle it Mail arrived 75 years late to New Jersey home. Well, that sounds like the mail dog. Have you even been to the mail? Shockwanda back there

You give her the thing you say overnight that shit shows up In a decade, dog Have you even driven by a poet the shit is crazy now This shit is crazy This shit is crazy in there Bunch of birdhouse of people selling bird cages out front They doing nails in there now. Dude, my buddy opened up his mailbox the other day put his foot in the thing And somebody in the back painted his nails, bro

That's the u.s. Postal system That shit is gone That shit is gone, dog And if you look we'll cut to this clip right now from the andrew uh Uh Schultz episode if you want to know more about it Here we go Yeah, it's 50 50 shot try to fix it in america was like stop This doesn't work and they're like stop

Stop there and he was like he's like no you understand like it's just handed it to a black guy Maybe he brings it and then they were like stop trying to make it better. You dickhead What the fuck are you thinking? He's like, but maybe there's a better system even for them Like we could give him an address or something to get your postage to america was like Fuck you for wanting us to get our mail He's the shit. Yeah, are you crazy guy? Dude the anxiety of working on a white male fucking traveling around the country anymore

The shit has to stop But just imagine being that poor black guy. They just give you a satchel full of shit And he like do you know where where any of this should go? Deliver it. Yeah, but I was just wondering if I should should like where's what is there like a route? And there you go Uh, let's get a couple of voicemails that came in from you guys, man. The show's about you as well 95 6 6 4 9503 and uh Yeah, thank you guys for listening man. I don't know what that you know, I don't know

I don't know but That's kind of what happened man in the ayahuasca was just It let it relieve so much. It just It feels like there's an opportunity for some real relief I could see it being one of the greatest things that happens for people in the future For getting better. I really could. Um, but that's also with me try this is early You know, I'ma try it again and we'll see what's up Um, what else who do we got right here? Let's hit one

What's up, Theo? This is Michael and I got my girlfriend Hannah. She's right here next to me What's up, Michael? What's up, Hannah? Thank you guys for the call baby. We just got done at your Jacksonville show We're actually driving back right now And that was actually our first comedy show man. We've ever been to it was like the best experience ever And we just wanted to say thank you for hanging around taking pictures of everybody. It means the world to us, man We don't really get to see many people like you But uh, yeah, man gang gang Gang gang, baby. Thank you guys, man. Oh

Yeah, at some shows I tried my best to to pop out and sometimes it's uh, you know, it's uh, I'm I'm exhausted. I'm just Some socialized and exhaust me Um, I think I've needed a break for a long time and And even though I just took a break it was also a lot of work. This break was a lot of emotional work, bro But anyway, man, I'm grateful. I got to see you guys and yeah, it was it's fun, dude Uh, and those shows were good, man Because it took so long to get to Florida because dark arts tour started in Florida So

That material, I think the show is 90% now new stuff Um for there, but now some places, you know, we added in stuff. So it's always a little different, but uh, but yeah, man That was magical. We're gonna make another run through Florida soon to some different cities and um Yeah, I'll put some other stuff on the books Gang, baby. Leave me here. Here's another call that came in Bay CEO, what's up, man? My name is Justin. I'm a big fan Finally got to see you in Orlando this weekend and you absolutely crushed it

I appreciate uh introducing me to Maddie Smith. She was hilarious. She had us fall it out of our seats And then you came in and just finished us off. No homo Uh, anyways, I wanted to make a comment. Um Your peers, Brydon, Brian, I think some other comedians They kind of shit on Orlando a little bit and uh, I don't think that they've ever gotten the real experience But anyways, I thought maybe you could uh Give Orlando a good word and maybe get some of your your friends to give it another shot Well, look when you go there and see

Well, look when you go there and do champion shit like I showed up and did you have a different experience If you showing up doing mediocre stuff dog if you out there peddling, uh, you know, uh You know thick biscuit recipes or whatever them boy, you know, we're fucking alopecia treatments or whatever them boys came to town to do I don't know But we showed up and put the roll in rock dog We showed up and did it right. Is Orlando weird? Yes, it's weird. Okay. It's really weird There's a lot of sunlight. There's disney It's a you know, it's a great

You know, there's long the days are longer. They're a little bit. It's a pedophile's, you know It's the produce section for a pedophile Fresh as it gets baby. So It is weird, bro. But Damn, we gave it hell, baby Uh, all right, let's get another call that came in man See yo, it's good man Struggling a bit right now, you know, uh, I looked at you

and looked up to you when I was getting clean and giving up, uh Giving up that space of the dark arts, you know what I mean and not letting it control my life anymore Um, and I guess just You need to vocalize it man, and I'm beat myself up a lot I feel like I felt my kids and my wife again, but I uh

I relapsed The other day, um I'm sure what to make of it a guilt chain and You know everything else that falls in line when that that happens man, and uh, you know If you had any instances like this, you know Make me share Kind of what it was that got you over that hop Made you not even if you had just one flip up, you know what?

Yeah, brother. Thank you for the call man. And yeah, I think just sharing it with someone So you're not feeling or you're for just for yourself. You share your feelings now. You got more than one person carrying the load I uh Yeah, I've relapsed man a bunch I've fallen back. I've tried. I've not even known if certain programs are for me and I've restarted the programs, you know, um I just got through Nine steps in one program man and had a start over

You know, uh It's it's a journey man It's a journey, you know, what is not, you know You're you're never going to tell your wife or kids or think to that you didn't try you're not trying so I don't know. The only thing I know is that that the I do believe that those programs work. Um And and

It's okay. I'm not like, uh I don't want to condone you not giving it your best effort, but you can only give it what you're willing to give it You know, people get better when they're able to get better and when they're ready to get better and um And I'm sorry man. I'm sure it probably hurts that you are having a start over Uh or have had to and um But you're not a bad guy You know

And You're not alone Phew So Yeah, just try again If you feel like trying again You know, um I just want you to be happy

You know, I just want you to live in a space where you're happy And I just want your sibling your kid, you know, I don't want if you have kids man. I don't want you to miss out on them You know One thing I do want you to do. I want whenever you spend time with your kids, man. I want you to Look them in the eyes You know be there with them Let them know you love every single thing about them Let them know you love every single thing about them

Even if you got to name every single thing don't name the freaking You know penis or you know what I'm saying don't name like the dirty parts, but or not dirty, but don't name the crotch But you know what I'm saying, you know Name the things about them. You love name the characteristics about them. You love get that in them Get that in them, man Uh But look man, you sound capable And I appreciate you sharing what's going on with you and not just keeping it to yourself and uh

It's a journey, bro. Don't beat yourself up But lift yourself up if you can and uh and if you need help ask for it You know, dude, I'm getting some of my calendar this week I'm angry because I got to go to so much therapy right now and shit, but that's okay I don't you know, it's a weird time in the world It's a weird time in existence in in in humanity I'm a fucking warrior dog And you are too man. You got this shit gang, baby

Um, let's hear one more Hey, brother, uh past month that He's lost the best friend um He OD'd on fentanyl cocaine laced with fentanyl and uh I guess I just want to know

You know, have you ever dealt with any of these? How did you deal with it? How did your friends deal with it? He's a hell of a man, dude I love them to death Fuck fentanyl Yeah, I don't know how they'd make in fentanyl, dude You know Chinese toothpaste some people say they call it. I don't know what it is. I don't know much about it but uh

But yeah, dude, it's scary. I've had a lot of friends overdose in the past few years Um in the past two years. I think six or seven You know, um It's heartbreaking It's heartbreaking that that's where we are in the space of humanity where that's how much we love each other that there's things like this out there It's heartbreaking that we are We are feeling broken as human beings Um

We may realize in the future that the diversion out of like being tribes and out of the woods and into society was a total Wrong move and we may end up back in You know in the trees, man Um, I don't know Uh But it is scary, man, and I'm sorry for your loss I'm sorry for your loss. There was a guy who used to do the audio for this podcast named sherv and he took care of the audio for a long time and uh

And he the same thing happened to him he overdosed On a some bad pill or something and I still think about him. It breaks my heart I don't really know an answer You know, but I appreciate you sharing and letting us think about your friend with you for a second um And just be good to yourself, man, I bet that's what he would want you to do You know and uh, and just we got to battle the dark arts dog That tour may be over, but they they are out there

We're all doing something I jerked off yesterday, brother, and I'm not comparing that to fenton all but You know It really kills my dick when I do it I feel like But anyway, man, god bless you god bless everybody. Thank you guys for being a part of my life Uh, and thanks for listening to this podcast Um, as always you can hit the hotline nine eight five six six four nine five zero three uh What else dude, you know, I support Joe rogue and I think that that I think he's just a nice

I think I've never known a guy that was more curious and just tried to communicate We live in a scary. It's interesting out there. How do we battle it? I don't know. We'll get into it more in the future um but uh What else do we have here? Um Um, yeah, let's do this man. This is uh I love this song. Uh, let's take it away right now. This is uh, do more good by the cordovas. Um Thank you guys for being a part of my life and really truly thank you for the support

I know some of y'all came out to those shows even if you know When the tours were switching over and even if You know, some of you might not even like comedy and you just came out to show love and uh And I appreciate that and I want to thank you. Thank you for loving me and um I can't thank you enough and uh, I'm thankful to my mother for putting me on the earth

and uh, and to my father for putting me on the earth and um I Uh, I um I'm grateful uh To be out here battling You know, we keep going baby. We don't stop gang gang dog gang gang Oh, that's a wrong song Well, the young and the old

The sick and the cold The ones just long to get out of control The ones that are calm And the ones that'll fold And everyone's standing around the table The meek and the mild The weak and the wild The ones who won't speak this mean to a child

Those who have lived with their feet to the fire and for a very miserable jailer Hey, I love my home ain't gonna quit And that goes double for you They're gonna do more good Gonna talk less shit And that's about all I could do Hey, man, baby Now the free and the chain

The simple plane The ones that just can't seem to hit where they aim The ones that get by On their family name Those who have no idea Those who have no idea They're calling on The freaks and the prideful

The peaks and the offals The ones that just wait To their dreams are all sly For the most too afraid To admit they didn't lie To the martyrs With no soul to fall Hey, I love my home

I ain't gonna quit That goes double for you They're gonna do more good Gonna talk less shit And that's about all I could do Gonna do more good Gonna talk less shit I don't know if I'll talk less shit, but

Gang gang, baby, be good to yourselves, man You deserve it