This Past Weekend - E387 Bird Neckin

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

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Happy to be alive. That's how I feel, that's how I try to feel most of the time. I just try to remind myself, hey man, happy, happy to be alive, you know? When I get to open my eyes, it's like, okay, they want me back, you know? That's how I feel a lot of times, like in the morning, when I open my eyes, it's like, all right, God wants me back,

you know, or they wanna, you know, they wanna run it back, okay? I made it, you know? I think that's how I feel in the morning when I open my eyes, like, okay, they got called up again. They got called up again. What's going on? Happy day to you.

I got that big hair today, baby. Mm, I can feel it, I feel it. Cause I knew when I parked and walked into the building that I saw a bird look at me. I saw a bird. Cause birds move their neck and it's so quiet, you know? It's just, it's so severe and quiet. A bird can't slowly move its neck.

You notice that? A bird is like, has to be either at like 12 o'clock, nine o'clock, three o'clock, 11.15, but a bird can't just slowly migrate like 11.15, 11.16, 11.17, 11. A bird can't slowly move its neck. But anyway, I saw a bird look at my head and I knew it was thinking, it was like a, you know,

having nest thoughts. I just felt that bird looked, I knew it was thinking, oh, damn, look at that fella. That boy's got a damn Hampton Inn on his neck. That's what he, when he saw his big hair, he's thinking, oh, that boy, that fella's got a fair field in in sweets that I'd like to sleep in.

I could just feel that bird looking at me and that's when you know you got big hair. That's when you know that I got that TP today. I got that wigwam. My shit is Native American. I got that, literally that wigwam. And I'm having reservations. I'm always having reservations.

But yeah, I wake up and I'm like, right when I wake up, I'm like, all right, life must want me back. And it's the same for you guys, man, life wants you back. Life wants you here today. You know, life, life, God, the powers, the deities of the universe made a choice and they said yes to you today.

And that's beautiful, you know? That is, that's a welcome mat. You know, when you open your eyes, that's a welcome mat from the gods, really. That's exactly what that is, baby. Gang, baby, praise God. And yeah, let's get into it. It's...

Come on. They can be higher than a mountain, mountain, mountain. Set me free. Just don't say goodbye It's you and me Enjoy the destination, and there's a, and there's a Fantasy

Painted on the wall It's never too late To come over Time slips away from you and me now Alright, I don't know that audio felt low to me a little, but maybe it's could have been just me That is Come Over by Stevie Starlight And if you're not familiar with that little dang The cinnamon bear of the universe that is Stevie Starlight then go get you a dose

Go have go have Go have mother nature cut you up a grandma Stevie Starlight baby and put that in your snout a lot snout a lot for a son You'll be on Yassime Street bro in no time dog There's um he's a beautiful listen and a beautiful man Stevie Starlight What's going on um a Lot you know it's uh it's been a there's a couple things I can tell you about um You know I've had I Had a

I had oh I want to tell you actually that we have some new tour dates coming I do I want to when I want to announce them because I'm excited Return of the rat is heading to Albuquerque New Mexico We will be there May 18th Midland, Texas May 19 Lubock, Texas May 20 and Dallas Texas May 21 right there beautiful

Also Savannah, Georgia we want to come and see you and see how you're doing and take your temperature Do that rectal monitor? That's June 2nd Savannah GA Augusta GA June 3rd June 4 Montgomery Alabama and June 5 column bus, Georgia So there you go some beautiful choices Excited to be going to those places and You can get tickets at the oven comm slash to you are and those will be on sale

For our patreon on Tuesday April 5th at 10 a.m local We have a small patreon, but we are very grateful To them for their support over the years And then the artist presale that goes on sale on a Wednesday April 6th at 10 a.m local time And that is Rat King and so very grateful to you guys For supporting me and then the general on sale will be Friday April 8th at 10 a.m local time So Wednesday April 6th you can start to get them on Rat King will be the code And I'm excited about that man

I'm excited You know it feels the world feels weird right now It feels and I might be the only one I don't know but to me something feels It feels I don't know It feels disjointed some You know it feels like And I don't know if it's the world or if it's just like our society Or if it's just America even

You know but things just feel strange out there You know is it just me or does it everything has a little bit of a Halloween edge I feel like Like stores some stores they don't have anybody even their work, you know, they're like You know stores don't have employees. We're understaffed You know you get through your Chipotle and you get to the end of the line and it's like they hired some person who's never even worked before Like has had you know and they're just they don't even know what to do They're just standing there just eating guacamole

They have no idea you ask them anything they kind of go they get scared that like there's like a vampire seeing sunlight, you know They're just some I mean there's just some I don't know what's going on in the world. Yeah, I guess the They say the workforce something is going on. There's not a lot of workforce Let me look that up so I'm not going to get too far Let me look that up so I'm not just is there a workforce shortage there we go In 2021 more than 47 million workers quit their jobs Many of whom were in search of improved work life balance and flexibility increased compensation and a strong company culture

Huh Yeah, and I don't know how factual this is, you know, this could be this is US Chamber of Commerce So who we have no idea if it's legitimate or not, but I do notice you go play But I I walked into a store the other day and the guy it was like a little grocery store and the guy asked me to work For like 30 minutes. He's like, do you can you just help out for like they're like, dude, I'm just trying to get some lines, bro I'm just here for I needed two lines and I'm like, bro, I just trying to get some lines. I mean, I used to work check out, you know, I used to do I mean, I know bananas code is 4011 but um But I'm here for lunch. I'm not here to work, you know, like that's how strange it's getting that they're just if you're even in a place

They're asking you to work. It feels like Which is exciting. I mean, at least it's great and I and you know, I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to take that that, you know, 30 minutes I don't need that employment at that half hour mark But um, but damn, it's just it feels like the wild I don't feel like the Wild West And then where is everybody? That's another thing. You're like if nobody's working Where it what's going on? I don't know and then you start thinking our people bots. Are you running into bots? You know, I watch people when they get in their car a lot of times if they're leaving me because that's when I figure a bot would have the toughest time

Because there's a lot of little intricacies when you get into a vehicle And I don't think a bot could do that real easily You know, you could easily see a bot like oh, I like the sunglasses, you know But if you're running into like a bot human, I think if you watch them get in their car, they would have to really do it good I'm happy. I'm it's Tuesday, you know So I don't know. It's just getting everything feels strange out there And it feels kind of lawless You know, it feels lawless. It feels like the you know, people are just running red lights. It doesn't you know, it's like

Fucking I'm running red. I mean, I'm running stops. It's just like people are doing what they want. That's what it feels like It feels like people are just doing what they want And I don't know maybe that's just And it could just be my area, you know But we have like the police live in fear. They're afraid it feels like to do their jobs I don't know. A lot of fear out there. A lot of fear out there And I'm sure you know that I'm not trying to be a downer Just kind of saying I guess what's been happening

Or just things I've been thinking about What else dude? I went to the I went with David Spade over to the Oscars after parties And that was interesting You know and fuck Oscars man. Yeah, you know, I don't like all of that shit You know, I don't like Hollywood or much of it And But

Getting to go with him and stuff like that was real interesting And I was over at his house. We watched the Oscars at David's home And they had the, you know, the Chris Rock got hit And I was thinking about that And I think there was So many people have talked about it, right? And that's that is what it is But I think there was like a There was like a moment where

Part of the anger Was that here you have somebody who's just saying something, right Chris Rock Now I get he's jabbing at the guy's wife. I get that But also he's a comedian He should be able to do that Or he should be able to take his risks And I felt like it was a calculated risk. It felt super safe But there was something about how you saw

A guy walk up because he didn't like what somebody else said Or for whatever reason It's hard to really know the reason that Will Smith had in his head People said all kind of stuff. He was gay and out or he was gayed out People said his wife was You know, they have a You know, they do a foster cocking or whatever Or when people can make love to your wife

You know, foster cocks. I don't know what it is They do foster cocks Or cock fostering. I don't know what it is I'm not going to look it up either because I have a blocker on my computer But um Yeah, so they said So anyway But there was a guy who said something

And then you saw somebody A rich guy Another rich guy Come and hit him And then get an award for it And it just kind of felt like This is where I ended up really feeling the most anger at the end of it all It was just really towards Hollywood

Towards the Oscars Towards the whole fucking machine of all that shit It was like, hey We, if somebody can hit somebody else They can do whatever they want They could say this man can speak or not speak And we'll give that guy an award And then

This is the craziest part All of Hollywood will stand there and applaud the guy As if the The The fucked up thing he did didn't even happen And it was kind of like a microcosm I think of everything that's been going on You know

So many people feel like their reality is neglected by Hollywood That Since Hollywood owns Hollywood That Since Hollywood owns a lot of the media and mainstream media that they just They just That they're so powerful that if they want to act like something didn't happen They can just brush right over it

Which they do all the time Pick and choose what they think Or when they think something is important or what they think is important So I think there was a lot of that in there for me And I hope Chris Rock sues the Oscars I would sue the Oscars I would sue everybody in that bitch You know

That's what I would do Because yeah, they just that that's what it was for me It was like Here's this powerful machine saying once again We determine how If the way you see things is real or not almost Or we think we determine it Because we all saw somebody hit somebody and then

Get an award then give an insane speech and get a standing ovation It was like they were trying to make us believe that it didn't happen In a way Which goes along with the whole pandemic thing there's that all of that ties in there Like oh you're gonna make me You're really trying to bend me out of the fact that reality is happening So anyway, that's kind of where some of that landed for me And maybe that's obtuse kind of in

But maybe it's not dude. I'm just here for limes Okay, I'm just I walked in here for two limes and now I'm an assistant manager That's what's going on What else what else is happening I know that Chris Rock shit is old news and And it was wild because spade took me to like a fancy party You know he took me to a fancy party dude everybody was in that bitch Kardashians fucking

Kevin Bacons was in there everybody was in that Leonardo DiCaprio and DaVinci Both of them were I mean they had seance in in one room they had them spirits coming out of the back Christopher Columbus was in that bitch Everybody was in there Kobe I think Kobe showed up for a half hour It was They were dead that's how fancy it was

They were recollecting people and they were showing up You know Ed Asner was in that bitch who else I don't even know anybody else family I think I saw Jesus over there by the Getting some watermelon punch Getting some watermelon punch. I mean it was they had everybody in there You know or a lot of fancy names. That's who they had in there But that was just fun kind of just to see how the other a half lives, you know I mean a Hollywood really scares me and it has for a while just because they

You know once you work for people you're not allowed to have a lot of your own thoughts And I and and I think we all fear you there's a lot of fear out there for that kind of stuff Is am I allowed to really express what I really feel or really am thinking When these powerful companies and machines they just They'll try to manipulate stuff or just gloss over things that seem very real Just to have things the way that they believe they should be Anyway I'm kind of rambling man

What else I went out to interview sugar Sean out there in He's a UFC guy fighter guy And did that out in Phoenix and he's a real villain of the UFC kind of in a weird way You know he have that villain aside he's the He's like this I don't want to say he's like a carnival snake kind of he's not a No, he just like he's so fast He's like a

I don't know I can't tell if he's sometimes if he's trolling things or if he's just being himself, you know, and he's just He's very open, you know, he's in an open relationship. He's very open about exactly what he thinks and feels He's a pretty fascinating guy to be around and So I was grateful to get to go over there and hang out with him and just spend some time with him What else is going on What's going on with me You know, I've been honestly feeling like a lot of fear recently in my own life Just uncertainty

You know, I've been having such a tough time making decisions Even just the smallest ones It's like Man, I've just spent some time with him The smallest ones it's like man, I'll just I'm just so afraid something inside of me so afraid to decide And I don't know if it's I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong choice As much as it is maybe there's just part of me that's just afraid to Afraid to commit

I don't know I'm just kind of thinking about that If it's one or the other, you know Am I afraid to commit or am I just afraid to decide If I'm afraid of making the wrong choice or am I afraid of committing It's interesting how those because those two things are really big and different But both of those are parts of making a decision So I've been struggling with that a lot

You know, I've been feeling kind of uns a little bit unsafe and uncertain in the world And so maybe that also adds to the fact of Of me feeling like the world is all over the place And some of that I think, you know, I'm still off my I'm still not taking antidepressants So I'm still trying to To stay off of them And now what I'm gonna I guess just keep seeing how that can work or not You know, I'm in contact with doctors

I'm in contact with doctors You know, I'm in contact with doctors and And that sort of thing and therapy and doing therapy, but I'm just you know, I'm trying to be brave in that instance Because I don't want I just I really don't want to go back on them You know, I finally got this lid of these medicine lid this medicine hat Off of my head and so so much more feelings and thoughts could come out And I think part of me has really been enjoying Getting some of that out of my system

You know, it is getting whatever that turmoil is that dirty bubble That It's like a sick chowder that's just been sitting on a In a damn Crockpot And y'all just want to empty it And y'all just want to empty that shit out Because it affects how my cafeteria smells, you know what I'm saying

It affects how the wreck because it if you know If I can get that night the gunk out of the engines If I can get the The nastiness If I can get whatever stuck in that S drain or whatever it's called or P curve or whatever And shout out to all my plumbers out there, but if I can get the S trap or whatever it is Then I can I can feel like I'll have a smoother flow inside of me

And that's been that whole journey with the ayahuasca and the standoff and the depressants and We'll talk about more of it I want to tell you also though right now we got to pay the bills I want to say that everybody have different fitness goals You might have some yours might be able to be you want to be able to do a Lift up your grandson or something look at him You know hold him above your head Some of y'all may be really struggling your fitness goal may be to

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And get your free quote today That's at thezebra.com slash teo All right What else is happening What's happening with you guys What's happening with you What's happening with you You know it's funny something I said and I think about

You actually I think about You listening to this And And who you are I just want I just want you to know that I think about that sometimes I think well I'm saying stuff and it's leaving out of here and it's going into someone's ears into someone's time And that's important to me You know

Yeah I want to just say thank you And And I'll try to do a A better job Or as good of a job as I can to value in the fact that You spend your time You

You know you let me up in the mirror holes You know what I'm saying player You know what I'm saying no home a dog But You know I'm saying I'm in both those bitches right now, baby We got a gang bang game Right now We got a gang bang going on your brain son right now

Somebody better put a condom on these words baby because we fucking getting in there on both sides of it No, I just want to say thank you that that means something to me You know that I think about you You know I want to we had actually we had a call come in you know We had this call come in which I thought was nice Let's hear this here Hey Melissa and that's Melissa from Utah right there And good to hear from you

You sound like a woman you sound good We had skills that were needed for the future Our technology has gone so far so fast And his brain was so fast Oh yeah You got that computer baby darling You know You got that little digital toddler baby

Or adult toddler now Onward And intelligence and I was like You know these are the kids that our future is going to need to carry us through And so I just want to thank you for that It was amazing Thank you so much for confirming that like what I thought 15 years ago And some other people are kind of thinking now

Oh well you're welcome Yeah I don't know why I just yeah I'm glad that you have your son And I'm glad that you obviously have a commitment to raising him And to being a part of his life and to finding ways to see him That make y'all's relationship as important and as valuable as it can be to you Yeah I think it's I think literally in the you know In 100 years it's going to be 11 people with autism battling a computer

To see if humanity carries on I could easily see that And it's all yeah And an Amazon van shows up and drops off whatever weapons they're going to use And that'd be it You know a referee, will there even be a referee? There probably will Probably somebody from New York, a bokeh or something

You know some guy Or from you know Some maybe a boat captain or somebody like that Somebody who's a little gruff you know Who's going to call it like it is You know who's just going to you know Who's going to take some smoke breaks though also You're going to need that ref that's not afraid to sit out there and puff it out

But thank you, thank you for calling in And thank you for being a mother We need them out there What else you guys had some calls about things that are going on in my life as well Here's one that came in As always the hotline is 985-664-9503 I feel a lot of anxiety right now about what to communicate with you guys Because it's you know there's been a lot kind of just in my head and in my heart

And so it's tough to know how to get it out and do it in an organized fashion Alright let's take this call What's up Deo, it's Gavin from Rioreto What's up Gavin And good to see you man from Rioreto And I never heard of that spot baby but I'm glad y'all are uh Shit I don't know where that is baby onward So that is

I had a question about doing the ayahuasca I've done a DMT and is there anything close to it? A DMT only lasts a couple of minutes and you freaking fly through crazy tunnels And meet different people There's always a guy with a backwards hat in mind And I don't know it's weird, it's been a handful of times It's pretty delightful, you come out of it, you just want to hug people You feel so good, you feel like there's actually an afterlife going through that

I just wanted to know the similarities with it because it's kind of the same thing Thank you for the question there, I appreciate it And um, you know my experience, DMT was very much like somebody Kicked you, like beat you in the head with davenbusters That's what it's like It was like two angry gay dudes attacked you at a davenbusters Because you're seeing all these crazy shapes, there's a lot of rainbows There's some bears, there's some stuff that look like an orifice or whatever

It has a very kind of a booty carnival type of dirty, magnificent, colorful It's like somebody, it's like God hit you with a mirror But he hit you hard and he hit you fast And the cops showed up And the cops are from heaven and hell and it all happened in a matter of minutes That to me was DMT, a lot of that And you end up fucking sitting there talking to like an oyster or something Just some shit that you're like, I don't know what this is, you know

They got a koala over there and he's puffing Winston's bro, he's doing his best You know, and he's out of work probably You know, I'm sure Chipotle's trying to hire him To work next to that vamp kid who can't handle the freaking Oh, you ask him one question, he's like, oh, I don't know, I need to sleep That was DMT for me, man DMT was like somebody took a pinball machine and buried you in it They opened the glass up and put you in there and the game is still going on

There's still somebody hitting the paddles, the balls are scooting around And it's multi-ball, somebody accessed a multi-ball So they're all, and then you're just laying and they put the glass back on And you're laying in there, face down That to me is DMT, that's what DMT was like It's a couple minutes, you come out of it, you're in Maui The guy who's doing it with you, you met at a smoothie stand, you know, he's a good guy He gave you some magnesium, you know, it's, it is what it is

Ayahuasca is, Ayahuasca is like a key, I think It's like an invitation You take it, you sit there, you're meditating There's no party about it, there's nothing like a, we're going to do this in a back room at a party That's not, now you can still do it in a back room, but It's more of a experience And it's a longer experience And it's really, you start to learn about yourself

You learn some truths about yourself You know, I was sitting there and I mean, people are like, did you go to Peru? Did you go to, you know, Myanmar or whatever? Like dude, I did that shit right off the 101, bro I was probably 180 yards from a Popeyes chicken, you know, and a DSW shoes, dude I could see, there were moments in some of my visions and stuff that somebody, you know, you know, walked by with a damn pair of Birkenstocks on So I was, you know, I wasn't out in the abyss, but the environment I was in was really nice In the sense that it was, it had a great shaman and great people doing it

And I'm sitting in there and you take the medicines and It's almost like your heart starts to dream or think And it's really wild because you start to get thoughts that come out of your It's almost like they come out of the time that's trapped inside of you It's like your heart gets a brain You know, I remember sitting there and You just start to go, it's like a best friend shows up and starts to share stuff with you that you're willing to hear Because you, usually because you've been suffering with something, you know

And so it starts to kind of unearth some of that And you go through the different experiences and you're like, man, that was a lot You know, I learned a lot of stuff about myself It's like therapy, but you don't have to do a lot of the heavy lifting I mean, it's like God brings the wood right up to the firewood You don't have to go out and chop You just open the door and it's all firewood, you can't even see the world It's just all your firewood is right there

And God has chopped it for you So at that point, it's really an invitation, it's like, how much do you want to know? That's what it feels like to me How much do you want to know? My last experience, man, I went and, you know, I'd really been struggling with a lot of stuff about my mother And my relationship with my mother And my inability to have a connection with my mother, a deep connection I've not always wanted it

And so I'm sitting there under the ayahuasca And I've always struggled in relationships, commitment I've really always struggled And while I'm under this ayahuasca, while I'm in the experience of the medication I realize that the reason I have trouble getting into a relationship or being committed So there's two reasons. One is that part of me is still waiting for this relationship with my mother to really come through There's part of me that's still like this young kid that's still just standing there waiting for his mother to really connect with him And so it's really hard for me to make another commitment to another woman

It's really hard for me And I didn't know it was because there's a part of me that's still just literally standing there waiting And that sounds kind of crazy, but when you're under the medication, it makes a lot of sense Because it really activates the inner child in you And you really get to see what the very young you, the formative you, what he or she went through And you see why they went through it and how it affected them and then how that affects you now It's almost like as an adult you're a plant But on ayahuasca you get to go back to the seed

And you get to look in the seed And the seed gets to communicate, the seed communicates with you The you, the you, the early you, the formative you But so it's a lot different in that sense, you really get to sit there and be with a lot of the things that have made you uncomfortable But now you're able to see, okay, this is why I behave this way as an adult because this happened when I was young And you always can kind of, in therapy sometimes you'll talk about those things, but to really have a real connection between them And to really feel that connection is pretty powerful And also it's an invitation in a way because ayahuasca is an invitation because it's really how much of that stuff do you want to learn and go into

Because it feels like there's a lot of it My second experience, I sat there for probably, oh I can't even tell you I mean just tons of time, I mean I was just grieving, just crying I was grieving like when I was 12 or 10, my brother, he got to go live with my grandparents And that sounds like a small thing, but that broke my heart It broke my heart as a kid, that my mother let him go I mean it really, because he was the closest thing that I felt to love or to a real friend or something And he was my mother and she let him go

Just do what he wanted, like he was an adult, it just was, and that shit broke my heart But there's a lot of things inside of you that you've been resilient through But you're able to go and look at those things and let, kind of let the air out of some of those balloons, you know It's like your soul gets to fart, kind of You know you're able to go and unpack a lot of these things that really could have really, and probably had a big effect on your life and how you behave now So anyway, it's tough because it's hard for me to go into some of that You know, a lot of it's real painful, I went and spoke with my mom after the holidays about, you know, about some, about a lot of the feelings I was having And I, you know, and about how much I felt neglected really

And it was hard, man, I'm glad I was able to give myself a voice, but it was tough Because it was also a long time ago, you know, and so you don't want to damage the person you're talking to or upset, you know, you don't But you do want to share what's going on and what you're feeling and learning So that's ayahuasca, man, if you want ayahuasca, you're going to go down a real, or you could go down, you know, a real rabbit hole A real invitation to say, okay, how much? Because you can keep going and doing it And that's where I'm at now, I don't know if I want to go back sometimes right now I mean, the last time I went, man, it was cathartic, but it was damn painful, man It was pain, it was cathartic in the way you sit there and, you know, you cry for the things that you get those tears, all the shit that's in you get it out

You get it out, you cook it right up out of your system But it's a lot of work, I mean, it is, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do It's like, you know, I would imagine it's like boot camp or something, but for your heart and for your soul and stuff So, I don't know if that does a good job of explaining it, but that's some of the differences I noticed between them One of them is a real, one of them is like going to a carnival And the other one is like going to, it's like going into an ocean So, that's my thoughts on the difference between, I think, DMT and ayahuasca is, ayahuasca can really, it can really, I mean, DMT shows you that You know, DMT is kind of like a firework kind of, but ayahuasca is a damn fucking, Jesus, it's a fire

It's a fire, man. What else do we have that came in? You know, you can always hit the hotline [phone] You know, I want to unpack a little bit more of the relationship between myself and my mother and that sort of thing I just don't know if I'm in a space to share some of that And how, you know, I just, I want to make sure that I'm well about it before I kind of share it sometimes to be fair to myself What else we got in here? Oh, I was talking about a wife hunt And that wife hunt, baby, yeah, you know, I would like to have a family, I would like to have a wife and get me a wife, you know And nothing illegal or nothing, I ain't them, you know, I ain't kidnapping nobody or nothing like that

But I would like to have me a real wife So I got to start thinking about that And now you could, I wouldn't kidnap a woman ever, but you could, if you wanted to, you know, set a butt of scotch out there On the concrete or something on the sidewalk, and as she come by and get it, a lady get it And she's eating that bitch, and you still, you know, you go over there and, you know, maybe give her a little massage or something If she's okay with it, you massage her scalp or something, you know, get that vibe going Because that scalp, baby, you massage a woman's head, baby, that's the, that's really the, that's the, the, that's the major tit Is a woman's scalp, bro

The front tit, some bitches are just, those are fucking, those are just some red herrings, baby, those aren't the real deal That master tit, is you feeling a woman's scalp, bro, that's one thing you learn You start massaging or scratching a woman's head a little, damn, baby That's that master tit, son That thing is the real leader Them other things, they're just quarts, but the real leader dog is that head, that's that master tit That thing's got a lot of feeling in it But them front, them little front bunnies, baby, them little sippers, those little A-cup hitters or whatever

D-cups, whatever they have, those things are fucking, that's just, that's tricking you The master tit is that head, praise God All right, I want to let you know that it can be hard sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel It really can, you know that, especially if you're in a tunnel, Jesus But especially if you have high interest debt, and sometimes it can be even harder to ask for help That's where Upstart comes in Saying goodbye to high interest credit card debt is one of the first steps toward financial independence But the interest month after month can feel like you're in a never-ending hamster wheel, hamp gang

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Use my offer code T-H-E-O to get a 60-day free trial That's two months free of no hassle stress free shipping Just go to ShipStation.com Click on the microphone at the top of the page and type in T-H-E-O ShipStation, make ship happen But yeah, let me hear, here's a call Hi Theo, I wanted to ask just, I guess, out of curiosity You've been open recently about wanting to settle down and wanting something more serious

So I was just wondering if you had any deal breakers Like if you had any, like, for example, do you have like a restriction on an age gap? Like if somebody, let's say, was around 25 years old And was interested in going out with you or something like that Do you have like a immediate, like, red flag, like a restriction, like with age gaps Or anything like that, like would you not go out with somebody with more of an age gap Like greater than 10 years or something Okay, I see what you're saying, ramifications, that's what you're saying

You know, I made a list a while back, I met a lady on a plane And she said, make a list of what you want in a wife, in a straight woman And man, I wish I had it on me today, I don't have it with me I'll bring it in next time But yeah, do I have an age gap? I would probably say, you know, you want to be age-appropriate, so probably 25 and up, I think You know, I mean, look, my dad, my dad was 38 years older than my mother So, damn, I could see a toddler right now and be like, hey, I'm just trying to gauge their personality, you know But, so I want to be age-appropriate, I think, or whatever, I don't know

You don't know what love is, but sometimes you do So I'd say probably over 25 for sure What else? Hair, smart Loving, I would say, somebody that likes to, you know, hug and be loving Somebody that's going to be a good mother, that really is key I want my children to have a good mother, even if, you know, I would hope that things will work out between me and my wife But I want my children to have the best mother that they can

Yeah, that is really important to me So it's funny, sometimes I notice when I'm looking for a wife, this shit got me a little bent up When I'm looking for a wife, or when I'm looking for attraction, I'm out there sharpening a sword that says wife on it and shit like that But when I am thinking about dating or looking at women or spending my time, my main thought really is, is this woman going to be a good mother? I think, I mean, I have obviously other some attraction things, you know I would like both eyes, I don't care that much, but I would love it I would like a woman who likes to stay, you know, stay busy, get some sweat going Those things are just good for life, you know

And a woman who's understanding, because you know me, boy, if you listen to this podcast, you know I need a lot of understanding So those are a couple things, I'll bring my list in But those are a couple things that I think about You know, I look in a woman's eyes a lot of times, and you can see, and when I look at their eyes, I think if I was a child, would I like looking at that woman's eyes? And that, I know that my wife will have that, it may sound crazy to some people, but the childhood I had didn't have that comfort in it I didn't have that comfort when I, you know, from my mother, from her look And so I want my child to have that, and so that's one thing that I kind of look for, I think So yeah, somebody with no eyes probably, or that, you know, doesn't have like a warmth in them

Probably may not be the best fit for me, you know, that's something that I need, or something that I would like We'll see what God wants, you know, but that's something that I would like What else? Oh, we had another call here that came in, I know this episode's all over the place, but the truth is I've been all over the place You know, I'm still really working to try and feel better, to feel well I felt uncertain a lot of times, and you know, there's days where I want to do the podcast, but I can't because I don't feel I don't feel well, if I'm real honest, and I want to, you know, put my best foot forward And sometimes it's hard, you know, everything's hard, I'm not complaining, but I'm just saying It feels sometimes, I don't know, it feels, this world today, it doesn't feel something like it wants you that much

I don't know if that's a crazy statement, I'm not trying to sound cryptic or anything like that And it could just be American society, it could just be LA, because I've been out here for 10 days So that could also be it, and honestly, I bet that has a lot to do with it Yeah, a couple calls came in, you know, we had rushed on the topic of, is it okay to have your brother teach you masturbation To teach you that touchy touchy, that one hand touch, you know what I'm saying? That seek and go seek, you know what I'm saying? That singular freeze tag, you know what I'm saying? You're rich, you're rich, you're rich, you know what's going on baby Yacking off, yacking off, yacking off, yacking off, yacking off

I think it'd be funny if when people said jacking off, they had to close their eyes when they said it Look man, I want to be honest with you guys, I've been jacking off Okay, I just don't want there to be any lies here, and I want you to know that I have been jacking off Alright, because I think if you had to do that, less people would do it Or what about this, if you jerked off the next day, your eyes would just close for no reason a lot of times Those are little governors I wish God had put in the system If you jerked off, your eyes would close for no reason for about a half hour the next day or, you know, here and there for 20 minutes So you're just talking to somebody about the baseball game, dude, the Blue Jays, wow

Crushing, huh? Yeah, Tigers suck this year, and then suddenly you're just in the dark, dude, you're just standing there at lunch And he's like, what's going on, man? And you can't open your eyes and he's like, oh, you've been jacking off, haven't you? Or if you jacked off, then the next day you had to do thumbs up all day So people knew, I just wish there was a little bit more something built in our system But I've been jacking off, man, I'll be real honest with you, dude, or jacking off, as people say with their eyes closed I've been doing jacking off, and I wish I hadn't You know, I got caught up in it yesterday and I was looking at some pornography, man, ugh Just felt hor- and I just don't like it, it makes me feel horrible about-

It just makes me feel like bad The shit is cringe, kinda, you know? It's cringe It's dirty And I just, I don't know, sometimes I get home at night, I'm alone, and I feel uncomfortable And I want to feel good, so what helps you do that? Jacking off But that's okay, man, you know, I've been hitting a few meetings recently, that's been good You know, trying to take care of myself, which is all we can do And if that's what you're doing, I've been jacking off

Um, alright, we had a cold people call though about, is it okay for your brother to teach you masturbation? You know, we had a fella calling a few weeks ago that his brother had taught him how to do it Had taught him how to work that wand, you know what I'm saying? Had taught him how to hog that wart, baby Had taught him how to door that griffin', you know what I'm talking about, full slithering This fella's brother had taught him how to Yerkov, Yerkov But uh, and is that okay? And I thought it was interesting because it takes me to a tribal place Where, at least if your brother or father teaches you to masturbate, then at least it feels like it's a, it's okay, it's normalized Whereas if you're secretly doing it behind a big rock in the desert or something, or, you know, if your cousin comes over and he's, you know

Uh, and, and he leaves a nudie mag out or something And then you doing it, you yirking off, you know, then that's, that, you know That might not be good, or if you learn it from like a crazy guy at school, you know, somebody sneaks into the schoolhouse one day You know, during recess and tea, you know, and just tells everybody about jerking off and then runs out You know, and, you know, and dies in a house fire or something That ain't cool, you know, because then you might feel ashamed every time somebody lights a match, you might, you know, you know, skeed out a little You know, or your penis might belch a little or burp a little seed But anyway, man, what I'm telling you is that people responded to that, to the brother masturbation, is that okay?

Let's hear what they had to say, here we go Wow, this is, uh, your question, this is Tristan What's up Tristan, good to hear you dude, and it's, uh, you sound like a nice guy, brother, and we're happy you're alive baby onward Uh, this is your, to your question about if your brother should ever teach you to masturbate And I say, hell nah, bro, hell nah Okay, well you might not be, uh, you know, everybody's allowed to have an opinion, and I don't know I don't know what the world thinks I think that's outrageous

Oh, come on, bro But I do appreciate you Gang, baby, same man Alright, let's, uh, let's get another one right here, here we go Hi Theo, I am just calling in because I was listening to your episode about brothers teaching each other to jerk off Okay, it was not a full episode madam, it was a part, it's a conversation And it's a great conversation You know, it's really important, who do you want teaching your son to jerk off?

Huh? It's a great question, do you want their brother, someone who loves them and cares about them And has an effect on them and has a, uh, a way that they look up to them to teach them? Or do you want some miscreant out there at the milk shop, huh? You want some guy who's just been working at the grocery for a half hour You want that guy teaching your kid to masturbate, you don't say who do you want teaching him? Who do you want? You want one of his school buddy, you want a little Eric, you want Eric teaching him?

Eric's a little crazy ass, huh? Who don't wear no shoelaces in his boots, you want him teaching them? Onward And I think you need a little female perspective So not only is it the brother's responsibility to teach the brother I think it's the sister's responsibility to teach the sister That's how it went in my family I'm not going to get into details because I know there's a lot of creeps that listen to this podcast

Yes there are But it goes for the women too Gang gang, baby That thang thang, you know So look, I'm saying this stuff is more popular than you think obviously Here we had one more call about it, here we go Theo, no! And there you go, that lady was really adamant about it, man

That's really, really adamant about it Alright, lastly we had advice that came in for Tyrell Tyrell had this question last week Hey, Theo Vaughn, this is Tyrell I'm just driving home back to California and I was listening to your podcast Thought I'd get some stuff off my chest You know, I've been single for quite some time now I haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know, two years

And I just need some advice, man How do I get back in the game? How do I, you know, get my willy wet, if you will And I think it's kind of a, it's a simple question, honestly, Tyrell And we have a couple of questions, a couple of options for you Theo, this is Gatlin Whitney at Salt Lake City, Utah Gatlin, baby, and that's a gun name You know that, we used to have twins boss out there in Folsom, Louisiana

named Bo and Arrow, I remember And that's weapon, that's weaponry Gang gang brother, I was calling about that The guy from last week on in saying he wasn't getting in it, ladies And I kind of had that same issue for a while And what I figured out is what you gotta do is get down to the gym You're gonna run about 10.99, put your convenience fee But what you're gonna do, you're gonna get real comfortable in that gym

You're gonna work on the body, but not only that You're gonna see all them fancy females there And then you start making small talk Oh, how long you gonna work on this machine, can I use it at you? Can you come grab me when, and then they're familiar with you They become friends with you, you start talking Two months goes by and you between them, she's knocking poops Damn, there you go

Friends fuck each other And I hate to say that out loud, but it's true And that has been true for a long time Let's take one more suggestion here Uh, for Tyrell What up, Tyrell, I got some advice for your boy Tyrell About his, uh, his drought Sport needs to just keep swiping right

You know, I had a wise man once say If you're ever going through a drought with the women You just throw down the first ugly one that's down And that's past the street So there you could, you know, you could try to hook up with a woman Who's outside of your, uh There you go, you could try to hook up Yeah, with a lady that you're not attracted to

You know, maybe It just might start that energy going You know, um, obviously you want to treat her well And, you know, be, just be realistic with her You know, just let her know it's for sex only Or, you know, that you're just not You know, because sometimes you don't want to get somebody's hopes up If you can keep them down, if you can keep somebody's hopes down

I mean, fucking my shoulders hurt from Keeping my hopes up, baby, I know that They are so war Um, alright I appreciate you guys, man I want to say thank you for being a part of, uh Just of my life and week and of my time And for caring about my life

Um, and caring about the lives of people that call into this show Um, and if you're out there struggling with something You're going through a tough time, like It's normal Everybody is, you know I mean Even though sometimes I wake up and, you know, life's that gay Life's chosen you again, you know, it's tough

It's tough to say, alright, I'm a plague, you know I'm gonna move, I'm gonna get going again I'm gonna give it another shot But you can do it You know, um You can do it And we don't give up That's what we don't do

And just if you're going through something, man, I love you You know, we're a woman, I love you And you love you too You love you too, don't forget that There's a part of you inside of you that absolutely Loves you That loves you There's a part of you inside of you that absolutely

Loves you And that's true And I believe that And there's a part of me inside of me that absolutely loves me And I I gotta try and hear that voice more Cause that's a powerful voice But you guys be good to yourselves, man

You deserve it And thank you for hitting the hotline [phone] Excited about the new tour dates Thank you so much for your support And you know what it is Let's go out like we came in, baby Gang, gang

It could be higher than a mountain Set me free Just don't say goodbye It's you and me Enjoy the destination This is Stevie Starlight, guys It's never too late to come over Time slips away from you and me now

So don't hesitate to come over Why must we wait when we're alive Alright, and I always awkwardly close that out Gang, baby You guys be good to yourselves We got the new Bobbleheads If you want to grab them, they're available out there Theo Von store

Tickets, get them only at TheoVon.com T-O-U-R Want to make sure you don't get swentled And that's it That's it for this week We're doing our best You're doing your best And that is a lot sometimes

And that is enough And you guys be good to yourselves, baby gang