This Past Weekend - E390 David Spade

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

David Spade is an actor, stand-up comedian, writer, and former Saturday Night Live cast member. His new special "Nothing Personal" is out on Netflix now. David Spade returns to talk to Theo about growing up in Arizona, screening his mom’s boyfriends, and what's next for Joe Dirt.  Find David: https://www.instagram.com/davidspade/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Manscaped: Go to https://manscaped.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO Upstart: Go to https://upstart.com/theo to check your rate today Truebill: Go to https://truebill.com/theo to start canceling today The Zebra: Go to https://thezebra.com/theo to get your free quote today ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/?hl=enSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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at manscape.com. It's time to throw out your old hygiene habits and upgrade your life. I wanna thank everybody for being a part of my life and I wanna let you know that I have some new tour dates. I am going to be Los Angeles May 7th. We added a show there at the Wiltern. Albuquerque, May 18th, Midland, Texas,

May 19th, Lubbock, May 20th, and May 21, Dallas, Texas. We've added another show there. So get your friend or somebody. Get somebody you love and bring them. Grab somebody by the hand and say, hey babe, we're gonna go get involved in something good. We also have Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd, Augusta,

Georgia, June 3rd, and Montgomery, Alabama, June 4. As well as Columbus, Georgia, June 5. And some new dates down in Florida. We have June 23rd in Hollywood, Florida. June 24, Fort Myers, Florida down there military area, I'm guessing. And June 2, 5 over in Daytona Beach, Florida. You come over there and bring them

sun burnt titties out with you and bring that skin cancer with you baby in Daytona. Everybody out there smoking on them door aisles and huffing on Winston's. You'll see a newborn come out and he got his, I love a little lighter in his hand, hunting a door owl. That's Daytona Beach, Florida, June 2, 5, June 2, 6

down there in Lakeland, Florida. I appreciate all you guys' love and support. Tickets are on sale now at theovon.com slash tour. That's theovon.com slash tour. And yeah, I'm just grateful for you guys. Thank you so much. We have the new gang gang hoodies and coffee mugs available,

along with the Rat King T-shirt and that Babo head, that B-head baby, if you need some head, borrow mine. Check that out and more at theovonstore.com. Today's guest is the star of many films and television series. He's a friend of mine. And yeah, I can't even believe I get to be his friend. It's just been, that's been very exciting and inspiring.

He is a hero to many. He's a comedy legend. He is part of the Fly On The Wall podcast with Dana Carvey. You can check that out. And he also has a new Netflix special called Nothing Personal. Very happy to be sitting here with David Spade.

Let me set that parking brake and let myself unwind. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you about stories. Shine on me. And I will find a song, I will sing it just for you. Oh, I definitely have OCD when I think about growing up, I used to think that there was like boogeyman's, you know? So I would like, I'd have to open the closet

and like look up, look at this corner, that corner, that corner. Why are we going? Please say you're rolling. Like just, I was in just severe. Dude, this is the thing. We actually had a question that came in, put it, this is perfect timing, why don't you get that up?

Who are these hotties? Hey Theo, hey David. Which one of you two would win in a fight? Well, is this even a tough question? I don't know. I think you could win, man. No, listen, the only chance I have at anybody is if all my anger for my dad leaving me comes out at once

because it's fucking percolating in there, believe me. And I get fucked with all the time. Always been fucked with as a kid. That's why I felt bad for Chris Rock. I go, he was always picked on and you grow up like that. And then when I'm on dates, people see a pretty girl and they go, oh, he's always with this fucking guy. So I've had him step right between us

and start going, hey, talking. And I'm like, she has a date. And they're like, who fuck you? And then I go, and even a girl sometimes goes, hey, come on in with somebody. And they go, come on, baby. And so it's humiliating because they know I probably won't fight.

Right, oh, I see what you're saying. And they're 100% right. So I just take it. But unless you had that one power pop. And so I even told Glazer, I see in these UFC guys, I go, just if it goes down, where do I start? So obviously I'm going to lose. But where do I start?

You want a good shot. So I get something. And then they at least go, this is a fucking pussy. At least hit me. Because my brother used to beat the shit out of me and hold me down and there's so much anger and rage. But long story short, you'd win. But we would never fight.

And you got a cool shirt on today. We would never fight. Thank you, man. You're not fighting a guy who gives you these compliments. I appreciate it. That's a great call. That's a great point. Where did you get?

That's a good shirt. Dude, Sugar Sean gave us these. We saw his fight, man. Oh, yeah, that's right. We went to the UFC fight. Everyone loves when we're walking around there and Theo's like this. Everyone's like, rat king, squig, squig, you son of a...

Whatever you do. He's throwing cheese at me. Yeah, you're like this. You kind of walk like this. You get to sit by Halle Berry, which is definitely... Oh, that's right. Shit, we haven't even talked about that. That was next level.

Halle Berry was so nice and so fun. I know we're barely, but when you sit right next to him, you have to talk to him. Yeah. And I have to go, who's this guy? You know, I had a fake question. I know what's going on. But I go, do you think they're going to wind up scrapping?

She's like, in the main event, yeah, I think they're going to eventually hit each other. I go, good, good, good. Oh, that's good, yeah. Sometimes you'll just ask Chickstuff just to get... Just to have my answer. Before you make him sound smart, I go, oh, yeah, you know a lot. She goes, the fighter's going to fight?

Yeah. And I go, ooh, someone's been here before. Yeah, you eat dinner in the evening. Just easy stuff. And then something happened. I think we spilled her drink or something happened. But we're right there. And then remember Jared Leto talked to you.

Yeah. That was cool. Yeah. At first I was like, damn, that chick's fine as fuck. Then I'm like, oh, that's Jared Leto. And he's still fine. And he's still pretty good looking, man. Jesus, dude.

Yeah, we stumbled him to him. We were on the way to the back to try to go to just get some food or something. There's a back room. And he was just sitting outside. And remember, he was sitting outside like a raven. Yeah. Yeah, he was like up on it.

Now we're more. Yeah. Yeah, he did. And then we walked by and we're like, is that a purse? Yeah, we're like, damn. Is that thing? Oh, no. I thought he'd fall away.

Yeah, and then he flew off. But he goes, hey, dudes, and then he said he was very nice. Yeah. And then he said, did he live somewhere near you or something? He's from Louisiana. Oh, OK. So each time he's like, oh, I'm out on this one. You're like, oh, I'm from Arizona.

Oh, my god. I heard it rains hard there. I'm from a Sheriff Joe country. I go, one time, we were all at a scorpion convention in Arizona. And I'm like, who cares? I mean, it's sort of interesting. I had a bowl all the time with the scorpion in it. I remember I told you the other day

I go put a bowl all the time with the scorpion in it. Yeah. And they have those, AZ, all the way. So we were at the fight. We had a good time. Saudena. Saudena. Oh, yeah, we sat right behind him.

He sat behind Dana White and he would tell us what's going on. It was fun. He'd be like, hey, get out your blood cups on this one. You're going to get a scorpion. You're like, it's like being in a Gallagher show. Yeah, one time he had some blood on his hand and he rubbed it on my gums. He goes, you want a gummer?

Yeah. He's like, oh, this will help a little vitamin O. It is, they go, all right, put on your blood rain coats like Gallagher and they smashed the guy's head. Yeah, I think Rogan, was he at that one? Yeah, he was there. That was a wild one, man. That was a good one.

There was some comics repping. Yeah. It's fun, but a lot of people knew you. Doesn't shock me, but that is sort of your crowd, though. Who is it? You mean like Ruffians or like UFC people? Yeah. Yeah.

We've had a decent amount of UFC guys that have been on here, actually. There's a picture of Dustin Diamond and Poirier right there, somebody made us. Oh, yeah, well, you know, it was fun to see him in the back just walking around. Yeah. Oh, when we saw a member, who was there?

Oh, yeah, remember, right when we walked in, Dustin came over and said, what's up, Toys? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. All those guys are very cool. And I was like, knock him out. And he's like, uh-uh. Oh, but then remember, didn't he lose?

He didn't win. He lost? He came in second. That's right. Oh, that was hard for you to say. And it was hard. It was hard for all of us. But the hard one was B.

He came in one B. He was, he almost won. He almost, there you go. He almost won. And it was tight. And then he's such a fuck, his mitts are so huge. He shakes hands. He's like, I'm like, oh.

So then he's, we see him and remember we're like, should we say something? Because you don't want to look like an asshole. I don't want to talk to you because you lost. But we want to say hi. But you know, sometimes it's like, if you have a bad set, you don't want people coming up and giving you fake compliments and shit.

He was pretty cool. And he's always really affable, you know, real super nice and stuff. He was pretty cool afterwards, even though, you know? I mean, I know it's just that kind of stuff. It's hard. He's very polite, even though his head was spinning. I'm sure, like, what am I doing?

That was, it was so bummed, I'm sure. And this dude was good. He was at night, right? Yeah. Sugar was out there. He's a real. And he's AZ, right? Yeah, he's Arizona boy.

He had him on here like a week ago. We're getting out there. Did you play any sports growing up? Did you play any? I could see you doing like baseball. I could see you like baseball. And you're like the guy that bunts every time or something. They send you in.

You're like the mighty bunter. They say, bunt with your dick. Just stick it out there and let it hit you in the nuts. And then it's going to go about a foot, and then you run. And I go, if you can run, hit up a dick by a bolt. I go, how would I do that? I go, you don't have any feeling down there, do you? Don't you have like a little pus?

And I go, well, that's rude. And also, it's a coach talking about it. Because I'm a coach. I'm not a scientist. I'm just guessing by eyeballing you. So, but I would, I did play second base. And I did like, oh, yeah, I loved it. I love baseball.

That's the hot corner. Second base is the hot corner. Second base was hot. It was actually more responsibility than you think. Oh, I think it's all the responsibility. Short sucks too, but those are the two good ones. But you're getting shelled. Yeah.

I mean, that's, there's action. And then the coach's like, this is fucking pipsqueaks getting too much action. And then the worst is in third grade that the picture went down. Oh, what happened? I got called up. Like wild thing. To pick?

Yeah. The biggest puss in the fucking tri-state area. They go, Spurred, you're up. I go, up what? I go, I can barely throw it to first from second. So I have one bounce. So the eye pitch, I, and I was like this, doing all the histronics, like stretching and shit.

I was terrified. Were you licking your faint? Like, did you even know what to do? Were you like doing some of the wrong shit? Yeah, I was like, I had like a cornhole bag spinning it around. I don't know why. And then it looked professional.

And then I put an eye black on it. Yeah. I was sharpening my cleat. I was like, are we starting yet? And then I pitched. And these guys were so excited because it was just home run derby. I think I got 11 hits in a row.

And then they go, what were we thinking? Coach fired. There was a quick vote in the stands to fire the coach. Yeah. So that I played kickball. And yeah, I think everyone played kickball. That was the last time it was kind of even. And then I went up for football.

Oh, that was psychotic. What? Yeah, dude. Where? What school were you at? Scrappy, Suvaro, and Scottsdale, Arizona. They're good now. They have a great team.

But I went just because my friends were. And you know how you do, you get. Oh, yeah. There's no plus on the horizon at all. I'm not famous. There's nothing clicking. Right. You're at that age, too, where it's everybody still playing

kind of. As it started to decline. Everyone's playing. Yeah. And you know, there was a varsity. And there was B. So if you weighed under or something, it was B. But you all started together. And then they put you on the B squad.

But by senior year, that's when I went up, I think. No, I was a junior because I got clocked so hard. It was fucking Lucas. Exactly. Really? Remember that movie, Lucas? I don't know if you've seen it. Is that about the alien?

Let's pull up a picture of that game. Yeah, no, I don't think. Lucas. It's like Malcolm in the middle, but a movie. Basically. Well, I was a cross between Powder and Lucas. Lucas is, Corey Hame, was it? God, I love you have a big screen here.

This thing is fucking professional. Corey Hame was this little puss, and he liked this girl. And he goes out for football. Can we watch just an hour or 10 of it? Just real quick. And he goes up and he gets cremated. Charlie Sheen is a stud. Wow, Charlie Sheen is in this?

And this little carrot-top girl is his girlfriend. Winona Ryder's in? Oh, yeah, Noni's in it. Wow. And so Charlie Sheen is the stud. He's buddy. He's nice to Lucas because he's a little puss. And then Lucas likes this girl.

But of course, she likes Charlie Sheen. Of course, at least keep it a foot in reality. She's not going to go bone down on Lucas. Look at, he's like 3'1". Charlie Sheen's a full adult. I guess he's in high school. And the girl is really cute. And he's like a little nerd.

He's like, have you ever looked at a grasshopper up close? And he thinks that's a panty-dropper. But the girl's like, no, I know. I step on him. And then he's like, let me hop in that grass. I keep a follow to that. Yeah, they had grass back then. She had a bushka.

Oh, yeah. I don't know if they showed it. I sort of pictured it. I can't imagine they showed a bush in the movie, huh? Was it a children's movie, eh? It looked like she had Lucille Ball in a scissorhold. Big fucking red Mongo bush. Oh, what I like, I like that Jada Pinkett Smith.

You know what I'm saying? I like nothing down there, bucko. That's what I like. Knock, knock. I like that a la Will Smith. You know, you like a la Pusha? I like that a la Pusha. Yeah, I like that a la Pusha.

Sickening. That's gross. You guys are disgusting. Dude, one time I remember this guy threw that. It was my first time ever at bat, right? And we hadn't even had to practice, bro. That was our team. And we were the Playville Cubs.

But some of they'd messed up some of the jerseys. And some of them said clubs. Some of them said like, it was flubs. It was like, block. Like it was just none of it made any sense. Dude, I get up there. This is baseball. This is, yeah, this is baseball or football.

It could have been either one, but it was baseball. So I get up there. The guy throws it at me, right? So hard. It hits me. This guy, Eric King, he was like, had the toughest arm in town, dude. And he throws it at me.

It hits me. I vomited, puked right out of my own mouth. And you hit so hard. Oh, dude, it was, it was unbelievable. He was the best thrower, you know, semi-local thrower. And he hit me and I vomited. And they called a strike, bro. What?

And I was like, fixed. Oh, bro, 100%. Then another time, I finally got on base. It was like the eighth game of the season. I don't even know. I think there was like a plate tectonic shift. And literally like, I just slid from home plate over to first base.

Like I didn't really naturally get there by any skill of my own. A plate tonic shift? Yeah. And so the ground just like went up on one side and it was like, yeah. And so I'm at first. Sometimes that happens. So I'm like, I got to steal, dude.

If you, if you can't do anything else, you got to steal a base. If you go in that tension getter, though, a stealer. Oh, that's a tough move. Oh, very hard, dude, especially if you have white legs. So dude, I get out there and I went for it. Halfway through, I get appendicitis, bro. My appendix busts.

I'm laying on the ground crying, dude. Crying. Is it after you got hit in the appendix? No, this was like eight games. I was about to say, I don't connect to those dots. Yeah. So I'm out. And I'm just balling, dude. It was absolutely there.

What a pus in front of everyone you're crying. Oh, yeah, because it was so much pain. My appendix, it was like, I don't even know what happens. I think you get like sepsis or whatever, something happens. But, you know, I was dying on the inside and the coach is like, get to first, get to second. You can just yelling racial and sexual slurs at me. Sure.

Queer, you know? I'm just like, get there. All the things I'm against saying, but yeah. But yeah, you said, yeah, people would pepper those in in the old days, and it was not cool, and it really was humiliating. Oh, it wasn't cool, but it was. And you were getting shelled with them, I'm sure.

It was awesome. Look at this little. Yeah, boner monkey, they would call me. Little boner donor. Yeah. Yeah, look at this little fucking stick visitor. Excuse me. Yeah, look at this little stick.

It's getting very vague. I don't know if they're offensive. I'm not sure if people are like, I'll let that one slide. Look at this little fucking jerky loiterer over here. Jerky loiterer. Oh, did you tell them we went to that party? Is that anything worth talking about? Well, I talked the other week about how we went,

and we ended up seeing Chris Rockman at that party. But that party was star studded. And dude, there was a lot of, yeah, it was. Every time we saw Matt Stafford, you see a lot of different people that you would never see in one spot. That's the fun part about it. Yeah.

Yeah, David took me to the Oscars, and so then we saw to the Oscars party. And yeah, and it was all, I mean, it was really super interesting. Right, it sounds stupid if people don't want to hear, like, you see people that are in movies or something, or I saw that guy from Coda. I talked to him.

Actually, he's deaf. But he came up, we talked, he's from Arizona. Oh, yeah. So we talked to the interpreter, he was a stud. He sort of got his night taken away. Oh, yeah. From the whole incident. That was a drag.

Because he won. It was a big deal. They won right after that, right? They won sort of close. The one right after was Questlove, I think, won. And that was 1,000% forgotten. And then they brought everyone out from the Godfather, which was so cool.

No one cared. Nobody cared. It was like Chris Rocker was right. Will Smith's still out there. He's on the loose. Yeah. Is he going to hit him again? Yeah.

Yeah. Gross. But we saw fun people and some comedians. It was interesting. I'm trying to think of who else we saw. We're at that guy's house, dude. And then when the guy was serious, had a big party. And that was a fun one, too.

And when we left, it was still pouring in with famous people. They go to all these different parties. I stayed up till 2.30. That was a fucking record. That was like, not since New Year's Eve, when I was about 12. Wow.

Yeah. Dude, remember right when we rolled in, some dude was in there just doing blow and something like some yoke was in there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember. But a lot of people knew you there. That was fun.

Because you see people like you saw this dude from one direction. Oh, yeah, we saw that dude. Some guy from Euphoria, I remember. Oh, yeah, we saw. John Voight, we saw. You knew him. We saw that girl Sidney Sweeney. And I go, hey, you're good on that show.

And everyone's like, shut up. Oh, I didn't even know that. Leave her alone. Yeah. But just walk by. So I go, oh, hey, you're like, you know. But that's what happens. At least you have like a free pass at those things.

Because every single person is known for something. So you can say hi to anyone, really. Right. Yeah, it's like courtesy. Yeah. And there's no like PR people in there or anything. No, they can't get between. But you just say hi.

I get mad on her. Say someone's good or you saw their movie. And so it's fun. But that night was pretty good. And then we left. Oh, we saw Kim K. Right? We left, remember? Yeah.

She popped out of a sprinter. I think she walked butt first out of it. I feel like in my imagination, that's what happened. It was just like. She at least said hello. That was nice. Dude, I feel like her butt cheeks were wearing earrings. They were?

I didn't even look. She is someone, all those Kardashians, they never see for being out here and being in showbiz. I never see them. And one of them looks dip. I mean, one of them got facial, sir. You know, she looks a little bit different. But still, I think she was there too.

Khloe was there. Khloe was there? Yeah. Maybe. I don't, I didn't see her. I saw Kendall in my flight the other day and I didn't say anything to her. You saw her in your flight?

Yeah, I didn't bore the fucking shit out of her with my antics. Where were y'all going? Hey, you want some peanuts? You know, I had a couple zingers ready. Yeah. Couple zingers. Why are we toxic so far?

Did you ever get in a like, whenever you were grown up, was there ever like a, what was it like a job that you had at the time? Because you got into football, that's interesting. Did you have any job at the time? Did you ever get in the football game? I got nailed so hard in rehearsal. This is why I didn't make the cut.

I called practice rehearsal. Yeah. I was like a drama guy. I wasn't even in drama, but I was just saying things wrong and I was like, when's rehearsal today? And then this guy, I was 114. I remember I think I was 134 in full pads. But I took weightlifting.

I was actually a little scrappy. Yeah. I've sort of deteriorated since then. But then I was kind of not tough, but I could wear the pads and not cry. And I was a good jump roper. Oh, really? Because we took weightlifting as an elective.

And I could do crossovers, doubles, backwards, forwards. I was great. Wow. Oh, yeah. Chicks love that fast feet. Yeah, I'm like, what's up? What's up? What's up?

In between. Deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh. And then they're like, uh-huh. Family was poor, so I canceled that out. And then when I went for football, I remember this guy hit me so hard that just like that movie, they just said, you got to get out of here.

I appreciate you came down. I appreciate it. But you came down. Yeah, I came down like thanks for trying. I was probably in practice for 11 minutes. It was just like, even my own friends were like just sitting the stands with the girls like you used to.

Yeah, God loves you. I had nothing, yeah. Maybe do something with the church or something. Yeah, yeah. So I sat out there and they go, maybe jump in on that bake sale. Help the gals out. Do the carpet match the drapes? You see people ask themselves sometime,

or somebody will ask you, do the carpet match the drapes? If they trying to see your body or see you naked? And men will ask that to women sometimes. Do the carpet match the drapes or whatever? Did a curtain match the floorboard or whatever they say? And gay men will say it too. Does the sideburn match the nut hair? What I'm talking about is Manscaped, guys.

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That's where I was having fun. Yeah, I was always a skateboarder. So pools, pipes, there's 22 foot pipes out there. And that stuff was big in Arizona. Like that's one of the areas. I mean, just west coast and at least Arizona had some of that overflow. It's a great no money past time.

On my Instagram, I like all these skateboard things. So it comes up my feed. Well, yeah, and also they have all those abandoned washes and stuff for those empty washes in the... Those aren't great, they're rough on the wheels because they're not as smooth, but they had 22 foot desert pipes, which are 1,000% illegal.

They're out in the desert. I don't know what they're making. I'm sure that Rogan would have a field day with it because they're just out there for no reason. And then we go skate them. And one time I was trying to get to vertical, but it's such a wide transition. Cause you're going, you're going up,

just trying to get halfway up, but it's terrifying. Cause vertical is 11 feet up. And so I got to vertical and I was, I was almost weightless cause you're so high up. And then you're getting to where your feet are above your head, you know? Cause you're trying to lay out a front side. And then my board, I lost, you know, kind of traction.

So it just, I flew off the side from 11 feet up and just hit my foot, Jody and my brother, Andy. They just saw a little puff of fucking dust come up. And then they heard me go, mew, I started crying. I started crying. Isn't it bad when you get hurt so bad that a sound comes out of you

that you didn't even know it was in you? Yeah, exactly. The initial hit was like, mew. And then I go, mew, like they're going, is there a fucking sheep over there? Oh, I used to make, when I would get real, it was like, trying to hide the pain too. That's the worst part.

Pretty true. Dude, when you're trying to pretend like you're not hurt and you're like, yeah. It's so embarrassing. Even front of guys, I'm like, oh. So I, ultimately the, the wrap up that story is I was doing the skate park. I was trying to learn aerial axle stars where you go up,

you do an aerial and you land on your trucks. Do an aerial? Like you fly out about a foot and you land on your trucks and then you drop back in. It's fucking terrifying. And this is where I knew I'm too much. I couldn't take it. It's too scary.

So I do it. I miss it. And I fall all the way down to the bottom as predicted why I'm scared and then I broke both wrists. And the consensus around the bull was get out of the pool. Get out, get your board. We're next. Why are you still in the pool?

And so I had to like get it, sort of grab my board somehow and run out. Oh, that's hard too. And then, yeah, I'm like this. And then, and then I go, I think my arms are broke. My brother goes, you're fine. And I go, God damn. He goes, we just got here.

And I go, all right. Cause we had two hours of skate. So I go, all right. So he has me lay on our Lee Carr. I remember Lee Carr, that old car. It was like really tiny. Bring it up. You're too young.

Show him a Lee Carr. And so I laid on the hood and you know, like on the windshield like this with my arms out. Like I'm on a fucking IV drip. That's not it. That's the general Lee. Yeah, what the fuck? Jesus.

Anyway, don't fire these guys till after. And so, He zooms in on like it's still lit. He's back to general Lee. He's like, oh, you mean Boss Hog? I'm like, no, you're getting farther away. It's called LE and then Carr. Yeah, the Carr.

Yeah, the Carr. So I'm laying on the windshield and then the skate park guy goes, hey Andy, you gotta take your brother home. He goes, fuck that. I just got here. And cause we drove all the way there and we got the Carr for the night.

We had two hours and he goes, fuck. And my stepdad is a doctor. So I went home. He drove me all the way home flooring at the whole way. He goes, I'm gonna come back. You're like hanging your wrist out the window. Yeah, by the way, terrified. So much stress.

And one of my necks all fucked up. So I get home. He dumps me with my stepdad and goes, hey, fix me. He says he's hurt. He's a fucking pussy. And he goes, goes back to skate park. My stepdad drunk as always.

He's a doctor. He goes, let's take you down and take a look. So we go to take X-rays at 11 at night. I look around the corner. I'm no doctor. I see two cracks down the middle of it. And he goes, he's staring kind of fuzzy. And he goes, well, let's sit on it till tomorrow

and see what happens. I go, see, they're broken, dude. Even my friend goes, hey dude, I know they're broken again. So he goes, I go, what are we waiting till tomorrow? He goes, just let's play it out. I go, what are you saying? There's nothing to play out. He goes, ah, you're a little bit rattled.

I go, they're broken. I'm in so much pain, but we don't have Advil back then. We don't have Viking, nothing. Yeah, and you couldn't even open a bottle of Advil. I can't even imagine. Oh, I can't do shit. I'm just like holding up in the air like,

small whimpers, go home, sleep, impossible, so much pain. Next day he goes, now he's clear-headed. He goes, we gotta fix those broken arms. Yeah. So he just gives me a cask because I'm going to school. No, he gives me a splint on both of them. So I go to school, first day of freshman year.

And you know what? I looked cool. It was right before the first day of school. Freshman year, new high school. And they're like, who's this fucking hard ass? Wow, because you had two splinters on. Yeah, I had, now my turquoise, quick silver shorts, might have canceled out my toughness,

but I had a new OP shirt from Miller's Outpost. I was like, what's up, what's up? White hair, I had all the components of being cool, but no game. I was tan back then, skinny. I had fucking long white hair. I was a skater. My brother was cool.

So my brother was cool. And then I was a math guy, am I? So then you got into math, you went from baseball to football to skateboarding. Well, I was always, this was eighth grade into high school. So I wasn't doing that shit yet, but I was a math nerd and reading and all that in school. So I didn't have many friends,

except this little Vietnamese kid. Really? Named Shin. And we would walk. They named a lot of them after body parts too. Yeah. No, because his brother quad. Oh, you're right.

So, no, but his sister clavicle. Wait a sec. So I was smart for a while there and then I tapered off, but in second grade, I went down to fourth grade for reading and math, me and Shin. Really? Yeah.

You went from second to fourth grade? Yeah. They're like, fuck, third grade, you're going all the way? Yeah, third grade is a fucking joke for me. So I'd go down and go, hey gals, gotta run, gotta run down to fourth grade for reading and math. Be back soon, BRB, but nobody cared.

Yeah, they have bigger racers down there too. I go, it's a whole new world and you guys aren't ready for it. So I go down there and then I got into chess and I was spelling bee champ in sixth grade. I was chess champ. I was read 47 books in fifth grade. Did you do that pizza hut thing where you get the pizza, pan pizza?

If you read the books, did they do that? No, that might've been the Louisiana area. Where you took it over there. Yeah, I think they baited you for reading for food. Baited you, yeah. Hey, if you can read, we'll feed you. It's called the read and feed program. No, I went to state chess, nobody got measles.

Yeah, I couldn't play. For spelling bee? Oh, for chess. Oh, I went to spelling bee state and I got smoked and then I went chess, I fell out because I had a measles for three weeks. We've talked about this, the spelling bee word. Because remember, I got beat on inconvenience.

This girl in our class or whatever was pregnant, right? Yeah. This girl, Halina, and I don't wanna say her last name, but it's the Halina that was pregnant if you're listening and went to school with me. Every story you're like, Halina had a rib in her forehead. Well, she got pregnant, right?

She's in fifth grade, she's in fifth grade. She should be in the Guinness book, but go ahead. And we didn't know you could even get pregnant, right? But she won the fucking spelling bee, dude. Prayers? Yeah, unbelievable. And people were calling her all kinds of racial slurs and stuff, but I remember, and she was white.

That was crazy, it was just people were just, it's just mean then, they're just trying to be mean. Oh yeah, nobody was trying to be helpful. But also, I remember inconvenience, and I tried to spell it, and I was up there hot dogging and shit, and I got hot dogged. Yeah, and that was it.

Well, my first word was apparatus, and I go AP, AP, and they go, I go, come on, I fixed it. I didn't say that was the final one. Wow. And they shut you down like that? Security walks me out. Okay, we don't want a scene.

So I came back, my mom's like, how was it? I go, I won. You lied to her? No, I didn't, I said I got fucking smoked. But I got chest, and then I got older. Oh, so when I watched, I remember, I was with this comic, you know, like, I was probably 25, and we,

and he heard that story, and he never believed it, and he goes, we went to this movie, where it was about a kid that was gonna play the best chess champion in the world. It was some stupid movie. Don't pull it up, I don't remember the name. And then, in the middle of it, he goes, I knew you were a psycho,

because I was just watching it casually, and then they're showing the chessboard, and in the middle of it, he makes one move, and I go, no! And he goes, the fuck, I go, God damn, the queen! And then they go, and what happened was, that was a huge, just fuck up, because the guy took his queen,

but I got it within milliseconds. So I was looking at him going, don't do it, don't do it. Anyway, so then, oh, I had a story to tell you about. We were saying about when you're at the Oscar party. It's hard to, if anyone's still listening, it's hard to, you know, look cool at those places, because everyone's so famous, and I learned that lesson because I was out one time

with this young lady about, you know, 10 years ago, and she was sort of squirrely, and then one time she was, yeah, yeah, I'll go out. Obviously not that enemy fine, but a little above my pay grade, you know, she's really pretty and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, we know your history, didn't we? Yeah, so I go, all right, let's go, whatever.

So I finally, we're gonna go out, and then, because we saw Casey Affleck, and I remember, oh yeah, we did. I said something so stupid to him. Oh yeah, that was so great, you're like, oh man, sorry. Oh, I heard you just got married. No, I go, I heard you got married. And he goes, I got what?

And I go, and then immediately, because I'm a little drunk, I go, wait, what am I fucking talking about? And he goes, well, I got divorced 12 years ago, and then I have been single for eight years. I go, yeah, that's it, I think. I didn't even piece it together at all. I just go, yeah, I just tried to run over it.

And I don't know what's happening. I'm just sitting there like, you heard the man. Yeah, you tried to back me up, and I had no case. But it was so loud too, so we're trying to talk. Anyway, Casey, who's also a studly actor. So I always thought those guys are cool, like, you know, these type, like Benitio del Toro. I like Sean.

He was there, I think. There's actors that are cool. And so in the old days, I take this girl out, this is the lesson I learned. So I know Joaquin Phoenix a little bit, and he goes, hey, we're going over to this thing, me and Casey, if you want to come by, and just say hi, I have a drink or whatever.

And I go, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll come by. I go, can I bring someone? Because the truth is, if you're around people that are kind of well-known, if you bring someone extra around, it's not bad, it's just, it's risky. It's eyes and ears where they don't talk freely, and they don't want someone that might tell their story

somewhere or what you talked about or whatever. So I gave him a warning, I said, yeah, yeah, very cool about it. I bring this lady friend, and she's fucking all over them so hard. And I'm like, immediately I go, this is a mistake. And she's like, oh my God, ooh. And so she's talking, and then she literally,

if she's not like sweating them hard enough, she goes to one of them, didn't you show your dick in a movie? And I was like, this is a little out of line. And he goes, oh yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, they're being respectful to me going, fucking pull her off, dude. Yeah, get your date. And she goes, oh, I saw that one, you know,

vava, boom, or something, or yeow. I go, I don't think that's appropriate, yeah, yeow. That's crazy to see. Ooh la la. And then she goes, yum, yum. And I go, okay, more, please. So, and so then, Did she left you for them?

No, she would have, she couldn't. I was a ride. So I go, oh, we're out of here or something. Yeah. And then I. Sorry about this, Dame. She went over home, she's sticking her head up, just staring at the window like a dog,

like how it was fun for a while. And now she's back with me. She's just watching Manchester by the sea on her phone. Anyway, going fast forwarding. Is this the one with the dick in it? So I was horrified. And then I'm like, by the way, those guys didn't like you. She's like, oh, they both gave me their number.

I go, oh. No, they didn't. They were very nice and cool. And then I said, sorry to them. And then she didn't say sorry to me. And then that was that. I dropped her at the curb. I said, that's it.

You don't do that to Spade. Yeah, you're out of here, babe. Yeah, babe. Play it up, babe. I know. Don't make me put these on. That's only happened about a thousand times. Like it's the 1910s.

Moral of the story. Don't be with super cool people all the time. Yeah. Don't worry, never happen to me when you put in, do the question that came in about the, Oh, yeah. That fits in with what he was just talking about. The girl, the guy had a question.

Theo always rounds himself like, oh, you know these two guys. They work at the septic tank company. And the girl's like, oh. So you make sure you're the key card. Yeah. These hot chicks, what's your secret? What is it? That you're good looking and that you're funny.

Can you play for a minute? Oh, he said hot chicks. I'm not sure. Can you play for a minute? These hot chicks, what's your secret? It's Will Sasso. That you're good looking and that you're funny. I answered my own question, didn't I?

All right, gang gang, bud. He's just wrong. Cheers. Well, he's Canadian, probably. I was about to say, is he on that Alaska show where they live? Yeah, you could see that. Well, I think that's like Gold Rush or something. Yeah, he's one of those.

Those are Golden Salmon. Yeah, salmon with gold inside of them. Yeah. Yeah. What's the secret you think? What is the secret sauce, man? No, I think the only thing, you know. Because you're kind of the, you're almost,

you're not the underdog when it comes to like labia, but you definitely are like. Labia. That guy seems like a real, you know. Well, I think it was more, it was a combo of, I'm on shows with pretty girls. So like I play a skirt chaser on, just shoot me for six years.

Yeah. And there's always, they pair me with a pretty girl. Then I'm doing it in grownups. I'm like, hey, you know. And then I do rules of engagement. And so that's sort of the thing. So it's a little bit blurry because they go, oh, you day, but most of those are on TV.

And then in real life, sure, I like girls that are kind of funny and whatever my type is, cute. But that doesn't mean they like me. So I'm just, no one's looking at me going, I gotta hook up with this guy. Just you know them, you talk to them, and then maybe eventually, if you're normal in LA, if you're actually just like reliable and normal,

that's a good quality because there's so many kooks that you start, they start to go, oh, this guy might be all right, just because he's not so nuts. Like you just, as long as you just stay in the course eventually, you're the only one on the road. Yeah, I would just be normal to them, because they're not going to be jumping all over me. So you just do whatever, and then either you get a vibe

at some point. But there are some nice girls out there. I went out with a girl recently, and I really liked her, but she was out of town. She lives in New York. And that's a tough one. Tried and really dug her. It just couldn't, it's just too tough.

It falls apart. Was there ever a time where you were going to settle down? Did you ever have like a moment, did you ever, have you been married or not? I don't think so, no. Have you, was there ever, did you ever think about it? Like seriously, was there ever a time where you didn't? Yeah.

Because I struggle with that kind of stuff. I struggle a lot with like, I don't know if I could, you know, I'd like to, I think one day have a wife or something, but I don't know if I could, you know, sometimes. I feel like I'm like that because I have run in to that situation that got very close. And I go, I would be scared to this point, them. I just don't know if I could handle it.

I think we all ideally would like to find someone very, very cool. And in your head, you can picture it and that's what you would like to have it happen. You watch it crumble all around you and you go, am I the one that's going to beat the system? Like, it's so tough. And everyone's like, it's work.

I'm like, I don't want it to be, because I've done it where it's harder than my work work. Like, I'm just thinking about the girl. They're going, oh, she's mad. You know, what do we got to do? And so I never quite nail it and I will freely admit it's, I'm a lot better at other things. And that I try to get it right.

And it's one of the curses of life. It's very, very hard to get it right. And I feel like it's unfair because I should get married and I should, I don't know. I just don't want to blow it. And I watch my parents and I watch my people around me and I ask the people and the people always hate each other. And I go, afterwards I go, I don't want to hate someone.

I don't want them to hate me. It's just so heavy. And LA doesn't treat it like it's a big deal. People get married for press. They get married for an Instagram photo. Oh, it's crazy. And then they go, oh yeah, the average marriage is probably two years.

And that's a year they hung in longer going, we can't get divorced. Yeah, we got to at least be seen on the beach a couple more times. But yeah, you'll see guys come out like they just came out of the mines. They're like, oh, yeah, it's been a good week with the wife. And the guy's just like, oil all over his face.

Yeah. And the guys are no dead beach either. Or the woman too. Yeah, they're all top. The woman will be like, Jesus. Yeah, because they put up with a lot of shit. And it's a new world. There's Instagram, there's Tinder.

So used to be you met the girl you saw. My friend in Arizona, he's got it made in a way. I'm envious because he worked at this place. He saw three girls every day in his day. One worked at Circle K. One worked at the post office. So he picked the one he got along best with. And they got married. And that was it.

But there's no distractions in his life. It's like that. And he does that every day. And they go out. They have their kids. And that's the way you do it. And then I'm sure he's got grass as green or syndrome. And then one girl said that the one girl actually got

really close with, she said, I'm finding out as I get older, the grass is browner. And it's such a great thing to say because you see the married friends. And then you see a little behind the curtain. And you go, it's nuts. And I'm not saying anti-marriage. I'm saying, if I did it, I would do my best.

I just, you're tying in someone else's life to yours. And that's, now you're responsible for two people. And that's hard. And you get their energy and your energy. And it's hard to do. Especially if you're real honest with yourself. If I know that I have these kind of maybe shortcomings or uncertainties, then if I know I'm going to go pin the,

without even having cured these or just know if there are issues for someone else. And I'm going to go pin your, because you're, when you get married, you're kind of pinning those into somebody else as well. Yeah, they inherit all your problems. And they have to deal with them every day. Because you got on dates.

Oh yeah. If you ever dated two people at the same time. And then they go, and you mix it up a little bit. And I'm like, yeah. I go, how's your mom? Did she have fun? And she's like, at chemo? And I go, oh, I thought you went to Magic Mountain.

I was the other girl. You know what I mean? And then you go, oh, is your mom OK? She goes, it was her birthday. I go, oh, yeah. No, I thought she had fun. And like, I'm from France. And you're like, oh.

I know, I'm saying Southwest, you have to stop there. It's ridiculous. Yeah, dude, I don't, yeah, that's crazy. What a layover you have. No, I've been there, I mean. But no, my younger self was, but still, obviously, listen. I'm not married, but I'm no prize to go. You get a lot of girls flirt with you.

Girls tell me they like you. And they like Kyle Donegan. Oh yeah, Kyle was just in here, man. Yeah. Kyle's a fucking stud. Yeah, Kyle's got to get, I mean, Kyle goes, he goes, I got a lot of shit from my friends because I was dating a girl 19 years younger than me.

And he goes, but you know what? I was in college. Who cares? So she was one. He goes, yeah, whatever. That's a funny joke. Did they ever have any like pyramid schemes or anything like in your area when you were growing up?

What a question. Well, I think my mom was, you know, my mom was very tough. She got divorced, you know, my dad left. I don't think she had a big vote in it. We got to Scottsdale and he took off. Was he a criminal or anything like that? No, but he was, we were four, six, and eight, three boys. So it's very tough for a mom with three boys.

Now we're starting to come back to why I'm crazy. So she's pressured. He pulled out of college, so she has no writing to reach, she's being a writer. So she had to get two jobs, you know, department store, secretary, whatever, just to pay our bills and, you know, just to barely make, barely enough.

And so we were just sort of on our own. Yeah. And then, but she, she couldn't even date really. You know what I mean? It was a very big sacrifice. Yeah, it's a big sacrifice. And then what did you ask me though? I forget about that, pyramid schemes?

Oh yeah. So she would get these jobs sometime where they would try to get her in on one of those, like Tupperware, those kind of things. And she's such a sweet woman and you just see like back people taking advantage and all, it's just such a tough world. I don't know, she really had it tough

and she's still kicking and we all try to take care of her because, you know, that sacrifice, you don't know to your older, because I was a kid, I was like, why don't we have more stuff? Like we have no food, we have nothing, but she was doing her best. And then I got a few beans in my jeans. So I said, well, I'm gonna take care of my mom.

She always said, I don't know, because she will never ask for anything. I said, mom, anything in my account is yours. Like I don't care how much you need, just take it because I would never be here. So got her house and that kind of stuff, but she doesn't want to ask and sometimes I go, do you need money or something?

Like how much? I don't want to open a full account at QVC because if I buy money, I'll be gone in two seconds. But I do, you know, little bird fear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's like every hour it's like a morphine job. She calls me, turn it on, turn it on right now. Like David, look at this, it's a water bubbler that,

and I go, what does it do? She goes, oh, I don't know, but you grab it. There's 10 left. I go, mom, you're exactly the crowd they want. You bite and they give it, then they tell you the old 10 left, special prize. It's always like a baby diaper that sorts coins or something. Like, oh, look at little Timothy,

shit a roll of dimes, huh? He's shit, but look at this. Here's a roll of nickels. He's impressive. He's saving, bro, saving with every dump. Get two things done at once. So that's it. So she's out in Scottsdale and my dad, you know,

came in and out. Do you have both parents? No, my dad died. My dad would be like 120 right now, I think. And then my mom, I have my mom. So, and we have a tough time sometimes, but I, you know, even hearing you say that, it just reminds me to like just be more cognizant

of that our parents went through different stuff. And they went through a different time, you know? It was like just a different time back then. You know, one time. No, my mom, my mom would get asked out and it would be ruined because she would let us vote. No way, really? She goes, one guy was, I think the heir

to the Anheuser-Busch family. I'm like, fuck that guy. Randy's Bush? No, Anheuser-Busch, like the Budweiser. Okay, wow. He was, he probably had a million dollars back then. I mean, money's nothing now. I went as a trillion, but he was very rich.

But my older brother totally cockpocked that one. Really? My older brother, Brian, but he's super cool and we get along great now, but it was just being stupid kid shit. But I remember she'd come over and she goes, what about that one? And I go, boo.

First of all, she didn't realize, we all didn't want a new dad and we didn't want anybody to take attention from us. So I'm like, you know, I've gone over at mom and I think that's gonna be a no for me dog. He's not going to Hollywood, yeah. So, and then I'm like, I go, I like this guy, who's an ice cream man or something.

I'm like, now that guy had a certain something. That guy's got a certain John A. Sequoia. Yeah, he had Otterpops, so I would go and give us free ice cream. I'm like, this guy's got something. Yeah, this guy's special, dude. Yeah, so she's great. Yeah, my mom dated, I remember,

like the first black, a black Jewish guy in our area, right? And we never- She had an easy time. We never even seen it or heard of it, right? Yeah. And then she dated another guy that ran a car wash. And we thought that was amazing because all the quarters. Oh, how fun.

When you're a kid, quarters are everything. If you get a quarter- Oh, for asteroids. Just whatever you want to- Well, you're younger than me, but I loved quarters, yeah. But the opportunity of- Mom, give me some quarters. Everything's in quarters, yeah.

So when this dude would show up, just frickin' Johnny Jingle pants, you know, just like- Wait, why do you have so many quarters? Cause he owned a car wash. Oh, you own a car wash. But I love that he keeps the quarters. Oh, he had so many quarters. Cause the ladies would hear it.

Oh, Jingle Johnny. Back then, there was something about that. It was just like, you know, you were just that pants Santa, dude. You just had that Jingle going. You got a Jingle in your pocket? No, I've got a tiny soft dick. She's like, no, I was trying to be sexy.

Yes. I've got a fuckin' half a pack of certs. Oh no, that's my wiener, too. Is that? Oh, I've got two Roll-Aids left in a roll. Ah, yeah, certs. And I was telling you some of my Roll-Aids the other day, and I'm like, I wonder if Theo knows what Roll-Aids are,

because I say older references, certs is definitely going back. Certs, certs is going back, but certs were surprisingly good, bro. And also, you know what my dad used to drink all the time? Maylocks. Do you remember Maylocks? I didn't know what it meant,

but it means your kids are shitty, because they're giving you a stomach ache at all times. My dad would drive around in this cutlass, this Delta 88. He bought off a couple of brothers that lived around the block, and it had these huge speakers in the trunk, right? I mean, he's 80 years old. He had these huge speakers,

just blaring Rush Limbaugh, and like 8.70 a.m. Blaring Rush. Just like with bass, though. It was like Rush with bass, right? Like Paul Harvey, good day, you know? And just sipping fucking Maylocks, and he would come to pick us up at school, and it was so embarrassing, dude.

It was like, he was older than my grandparents by 20 years, right, my dad was. So even when people came, people had never seen anything this old. They'd never seen, we didn't have a book this old in our school, like people had never seen like, it seemed like the Mayflower was showing up,

you know, when he rolled off, and he would sit and wait in the carpool, and he would doze off, dude, and he would just have Maylocks on his face, and it was just like, oh, gross. Somebody murder me. He's doing SPD farts. Sinking them in those fucking seats.

Those seats, bro, they used to really hold a fart. They'd hold it, you get out of school, you go, what the fuck? He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey. My dad used to pick us up once, like every six months, you know? He'd get in my, and my mom, the hard part was, I look back,

we didn't have his number, it was a hard line, you know? So he'd call us, go get your dad on the phone. She was never like slamming him, but she was like, and I go, all right, we're so excited. He goes, I'd like to go to Shaky's Friday, we're like, fuck yeah. So we all get dressed up, and then he doesn't come.

But he doesn't call either, you know? My mom's like, get in here, I'll make you some plums. Yeah. He puts three plums down. But she goes, so my dad was like that, and then he'd pick us up, he goes, I got a dune buggy, and she's like, what the fuck? Never gave any child support once.

So she's like, I'm like, isn't that great? And she's like, I mean, kind of, but we don't have food, but sure. And so he picks up a dune buggy, and then we're like, yay, dad. And she's smoking her Salem's in the doorway going, real hero. And then, but we loved it, we never even connected, like.

Yeah, as a kid you don't know. And then he's like, he gave me a dollar. She's like, well, he owes us 70 grand. Let's just start. So we, yeah, we never got child support, she never got Alamone, and he was just flouncing around single in Scotts Hill, so she's closed up. If she had Instagram, she wouldn't have blown her brains out.

I mean, because she could hear from her friends like, did you hear, he was down with some floozy? And she's like, I don't need to hear that. Down there at the Bolarama. Yeah, down there, you know, whatever dumb shit place we used to go to. And then she, nowadays, you're basically on Lodjak. You know, you've got everyone from Dumas, that site,

everyone's like, if there's not enough pop rocks, they're outside, now they're inside. Now every person is able to rat you out, so it's just getting to be a dangerous world, but it's fun, sort of, I guess. You know, the other day I got hit with a subscription for something, it said, oh, it was plywood. I'd gotten me a couple cuts of plywood for the garage,

and I ticked the wrong box on the website. And next thing you know, I'm getting there, keep shipping me. Just sending me that P-Wood over and over. I mean, just, I got so many pieces of it now, damn, I could really build a real bad, bad, just, just, I could build a boat that doesn't stand a chance.

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Stay away from high interest debt. Go to upstart.com slash theo. And now back to the episode. It's dangerous, life's such a fucking weird thing, man. You don't need to know everything about everyone at all times. That's the thing. I know.

Do you miss the days when there wasn't, when it wasn't social media? Do you miss that? I miss it because, well, I mean, there's some of the funny answers. Lying is almost extinct. Yeah, it used to be able to lie about shit. Anything to everybody.

Dude, we would go camping, and I remember one time when we went camping as a group, but like it wasn't Boy Scouts, it was like Boy Scouts to the church, it was basically just like, seeing who was the hottest one of the pastor or whatever, you know what I'm saying? Like it was shady, right?

It was like, why are we camping just right by the church? Like right by, or right by the pastor's house? Why are we playing a game called Orgy? Yeah, why is, why is there a glory hole? Yeah, why do we have orifice badges? So I remember the, oh shit, what was I telling you about? Oh, we went to church this camp.

What were we gonna say? What were you saying? Oh my god. What were we saying? We've turned into Whitney's fuck. Oh yeah. I don't know what we're talking about. Yeah.

What were you doing? What were we just talking about? You remember? Oh, and I remember we were going on this church camp, and I told everybody that Jay Leno died. It was a three day camp, and I was like, man, you guys have- You had a floating for three days on that one?

Yeah, and nobody could know. It was like you had so much ability to like create, like part of creativity is gone because everything can create your lives. But everything can be fact checked now. Yes, I have to say, and I joke about that because I'm not a big liar. I have to say that I'm pretty straightforward to everybody,

which is good and bad, but back, but I'm saying anyone, you can't say anything. Back then you could say you're going camping and you could be your friend's house next door, your mom's for a week and no one would know. No, he's camping and I like this song. But you know, with everyone posting this and that and ratting you out, so.

But I think it's good in a way, but it's getting too much. And the problem with science and all these things and technologies, they're trying to like even emulate movies and they go, remember when they came up with this, we should do that. And you're like, they just made that up, but now it's getting so far that you're getting stuff you don't want, you know?

And then when they get an AI and all this stuff, robots will take over. I think it's just, I think we might as well just fold our cards. I mean, we think it's going to be way in the future. It's probably in like a week. Yeah, I can't believe we lost to something that we created.

That's great. It's like, yeah, we're going to turn off our phones and the phone's going to go, oh, I don't feel like being turned off right now. And you go, I'm sorry. And then deesh, deesh, oh, rabbit punch on my iPhone. That's not even legal. And then, you know, that's what scares me.

Yeah, I don't know, but whatever. We got a question that came in right here from somebody. This is like all the same guy, three times in a row. Val. David Vaughn, what up guys? Hey man, I got a question for Mr. Dirt himself. Yeah. What's up with the Joe Dirt 3, dude?

Those are Theo Vaughn in the picture. Bring back Brandy. Whoa, Brandy. God, Brandy. Kid Rock, come on. Everyone has the same reaction to Brandy. I know, huh? Is this question still going?

Snake's Sparklers, what's up with the Joe Dirt 3? Snake's Sparklers. Why did J.D. 3, Brandy was so hot. Brandy was such a stunner, man. Oh my God, she still is. I see her here and there, she's unreal. She was half the reason that movie's so good, it's perfect casting.

Yeah. She was great. Kid Rock was great in that. Yeah. He's great, he's got a new song out too. He's got a new album out, he's got a dope new song out though. I know, he's so ridiculous.

I go, you're such a nice guy. Why do you constantly make people get mad at you? You step in your own shit all the time because I love it. He can't help it and he loves it. Yeah, he loves it, it's being himself. I'll get envious sometimes, he gets to just be exactly who he wants to be. I mean, we try, everybody tries.

When you have no bosses, you can go out there and just do whatever you want. They used to be the way it was. You used to be able to have opinions and you could say what you wanted. Everyone's terrified, I'm terrified. Everyone's terrified, I just don't even say anything. And then suddenly silence is violence,

I'm like, well, you can't get me on every turn. I'm not saying something stupid. And they go, please say something so I can 100% dissect it and shit all over you. I know. And it's horrible. Oh, it's horrible out there. It's a horrible place,

it's a horrible time for free speech in a weird way. But it's a time when we kind of need it more than ever in a weird way. It just has to be that you got to say it and stand behind it. Yeah, that's not me. But this guy, Joder3, so we did Joder2 and Joder in Covington.

In Covington, Louisiana, that's right, boy. Did you know we were there doing anything? Are you here today? Here's a crazy thing, and this is a good thing. And why it's such a secret, beautiful little place, never heard of people. Oh my God. Never heard a word, you know.

By the way, just in a related story, did you ever have a rat tail? Oh yeah. Where it's just a little pin going straight down the back. It's just a little thin, one like a sparkler down. And we used to put that little like kind of, they'd put a little ribbon in it. If you were dating a girl, a lot of times she tied

a ribbon on the end of it. Oh, like you're taking? Yeah. Sick. This rat's mine, huh? Just roll up to Sonic. Yeah. The only cheese he's eating is over here.

Oh, you're like, so cheese is your pussy's good. Oh yeah, I didn't know I think that went through. Ah, so yeah. But it's Gouda. Joder, oh, it's pretty Gouda. It's pretty Gouda. Joder3, I would rather do Joder animated cartoon. Yeah.

I talked to somebody about that recently because then you can just be crazy. Cause my voice is about the same, but I don't want to be too old strapping the wig on. And I'm like, what's crappin' in? Yeah. But I love the movie. I love, first of all, I freely admit it wasn't a huge hit.

There was bigger hits out there I did, but just to have one stay in the world for all this time and number one thing I get asked about. So to have something sort of stick around and where I was like a decent person, that usually I'm real sarcastic, but it was like a good guy. A lot of people related to it. Yeah.

A lot of people get picked on. It was very pro, the South, cause the South can sniff out when you're making fun of them. Yeah. And I wasn't, I was saying this is cool and everything down there is cool and there's a couple of bad guys, but this guy's a good guy,

just trying to get through fucking life. So people sort of took it as like, that's inspirational in a weird way, which is for saying a movie that's kind of a goofy movie, but it did have, that was the through line. So that's why I think it hit with people. And I don't want to mess that up, but it is fun to do Jodert stuff.

Snakes and sparklers come up every 4th of July and I sell some Jodert shit on my website. You know, it's fun, cause you got to keep it alive. It's fun. Yeah. Was there ever a movie character that you got asked to do that you wish you had done or one that never panned out

that seemed like it was going to be really sweet? Sometimes you'll kind of tell me about different scripts and stuff. Well, sometimes it's not really like I turned down big ones that were, that turned out to be super huge, but there's some I read. I just don't have, like if they told me right now, we're going to go do a movie in Europe for six months.

I probably wouldn't. At this point in my life, unless I loved it so much, it's just for the idea of like, oh, I'm in a movie, it might be, you know, I like to act and I like to act, but I like to also do my own shit. Yeah. And it's hard sometimes

to do other people's stuff later in life unless it's really good. And I'm not always getting the top tier best shit. So, Sandler gets good stuff. I mean, he gets great directors. I see why he keeps working. He gets that and if he just points at it, they make it. There's, I mean, it's a power trip.

You just go, hey, I like this one. And then big directors go, you want to work? So I kind of try to put my own stuff together. And then it's more fun and you get more invested. And if you got a little bit of money, you don't have to work that hard. I don't mind working hard. I just, you get to make your own choices.

At a certain point, you kind of get to pick and choose. You don't have to take something that they give you. And stand-ups kind of fun. I mean, you go on the road. I've had a blast in this theater tour we're doing. And because you're responsible for everything. So everything you do, if you do a good show, it's because of you.

And you're not compromising. You're not running everything by one. You can do a weird joke that night. Nobody gives a fuck. Yeah, it is real, it is real comfortable. I can't believe you just got in and started doing theaters recently, man. You were doing all these calls.

I know, I didn't. And then when I did my special, that comes out April 26th. So the special was, and then I got to get out of here, but it might be today. Oh yeah, I don't even look at the calendar. Yeah. But the special, I don't know if I told you, we were going to do it in Austin and Netflix said,

there's rules because of COVID. I call it Corona, old school. But they said, Austin won't go along with that, the theater. And I said, I get it. They have their own rules. But so it was going to get shelved for six months. And I go, I have another show the weekend after, luckily I'm on kind of a tour.

I said, Minnesota, good comedy town. I can add a show if this theater will do it. And they said, yeah, we'll do it. So we added a show, filled them both up, went in there. And I don't even think I've played Minnesota for I don't know how many years, maybe once in my life, went in and then my opener was on. And I was like, God, it's not killing.

I go, this might be a tough crowd. And that's the worst scenario. The night before I was in Omaha, it was a blast. And I'm like, but the one they tape. And so I do my set, it starts out a little slow. And then I get rolling. But then afterwards, Bobby, the guy with me, goes, oh, did you see they have masks on?

I go, oh, they did, fuck. And he goes, not just masks. They give them N95s. No. And that's like you're doing drywall. Yeah. So you're like this. And then you can't hear anything until once in a while.

They go like this. They take it off to fucking live. And then I go, use that noise. Look out, that is a laugh. So I do a joke in here. So that was hard. But I said, I don't want to sweeten it and make it like fake laughs.

So just take the laughs, put them up 5%. And if it doesn't sound like there's big laughs, it was pretty good shows. The second show was better. But I go, it's there. You're just looking at the jokes anyway. And they were a great crowd. They couldn't be as great as they were.

Right. Oh, it's insane with the mask. Cut off half the noise. But I think it's, I watched it. We just, we put some clips out. So I think it's going to be a fucking blast to have one. I've never done one for Netflix. And my last one was Comedy Central.

So this one's really the one. Hopefully people will see. Yeah. But I offend people on it. Yeah, good. And after the fucking Oscars, you're like, I'm not taking anything out. But I was like, oh, you know.

Fuck them. You're like, what is this wave? Like one day you're like, you should be as ballsy as you can in a month. And they're like, everyone should be really, it's like when you do movies. I would do a movie. And they go, the hangover, we need a hard R.

And right before you had it. And they go, Mall Cop came out. We need a PG movie. And you're handing it in a hard R. And they're like, this isn't really what's cool right now. And I go, quit chasing the last one that worked. Hangover was during PG. And then they made it.

And they go, oh, that's cool now. So get ballsy and just make whatever's good. There's not as much balls in it anymore. The balls have been gone. This place has been neutered. Me and you are right in one. It's funny. This has been spayed.

Yeah, we're right in one. I and Theo are right in one. Everyone's a fucking buckle up. Yeah, get your fucking dicks out. All right, any more questions on there? Or I gotta go. I think we're probably good. Anything else exciting that came in?

Oh, what about that one gentleman came in in the blue shirt? Do you have him? I'm wearing green, dude. You look healthy and you look lucky, too. I think with the green. Yeah, green's a tough one to pull off, but yeah. Look at this, dude.

What's up, boss? Yo, Theo is your boy, Cam, taking air from Charlotte, fool. I got a question for my boy, David, though. What's the craziest thing you've seen happen on set for a movie you've been playing in? Any crazy stories, anybody fighting, anybody getting shot at or something like that? Let us know, though.

Theo, I rock with you. Gang, gang. Gang, gang, baby, thanks, Cam. Gang, baby, that's the one right there, Cam, bro. Any shootings, anything violent happen? That's a pretty tame. Any fires, any? No, this is the worst answer.

On grown-ups, it was raining so hard. It rained almost every single day of the whole movie. And it's supposed to be a fun summer movie. And it was a flooding base camp. And I'm like, isn't this the fun? And they go one day at Sunny, they go, get a helicopter out and get shots, drone shots of going over and making it look beautiful.

And I go, god damn, I see the movie. I go, it looks great. I don't know how they do it. It looks sunny and fun. We're at the water park and it's 100 degrees and 90% humidity. I have a wig in grown-ups. This is a big story, I'll tell you.

I have a wig in grown-ups and no one even knows that. What happened was when we were doing the camera testing, Sandler's like, I hear this guy is good. And I go, I'm going to be like the single guy still. I got a guy from high school like that. He's still got long hair. He's in the 80s. He hasn't grown up.

And I said, if I'm the single guy, maybe I'll be like him. So I go get this blonde wig, make it. I look like I'm the guy from Sticks or something. It's down here. Yeah. And then I go to the camera test. Everyone thinks it's funny. And then Sandler goes, I want you to be better looking.

This looks kind of stupid. I go, all right. So he shortened it. By the way, it's so hot already in Boston, which plays into this story. So then they cut it. And then I come back from the trailer. We film it again.

He's looking. He goes, ah, shorter. I'm like, shit. So we basically get it right where it is. Maybe an inch longer. He goes, just do that. It looks good. And I go, I'm going to put a little rat tail fucking.

What did I put in the back? Oh, a pony tail. Like in the top. And almost no one sees it. It's on TikTok sometimes. People figure it out. But I go, put this little pony tail on it. And they go, all right, well, you can just use your real hair.

And I go, how about I just use this? And they go, oh, and they go, it'll take an hour out of your call time every morning. And I said, I could just put this on like a hat. You just put a bret in your hair, put that on. And I go, I have a hat. So I put one in a hat sewn into the wig. So it's just all one thing.

Oh, nice. So sometimes I had a hat on. And it's an hour less each day? Yeah. So and I have to drive an hour to the set. So I go, oh, I get an extra juicy fucking hour. And no one even fucking knows exactly my hair. So I go, oh, this is perfect.

And then when people found out, they go, fuck you. Could I do that? And I go, no way, dude. No way, dude. And girls do it. I think Julia Roberts said she did it once in a movie. She just made her wig over exactly her hair. She put it on.

It's a pain in the ass, but I like the Joder wig. I like wearing wigs. I don't want to fuck with it. Do you have the Joder wig at home? I do. Have you ever put it on? Still have it right now, man. I have the Joder wig that I wear.

You gotta let me put it on sometime. You have it on. Do you ever put it on? I don't know, but I want the original, maybe. I have, you know what? I have Farley's coat from Tommy Boyd. His family gave me this. It's like the checkered ones on the poster.

Yeah. That's so cool. I have that downstairs and my wig. I have a lot of stuff from all movies. Dickie Roberts, Ben Schwarmers. I love Ben Schwarmers. That was the funny one. Anything interesting happening in Covington

that you remember while you was there? No. Yeah. No, but I only reason I didn't stay there is because I had to go over that fucking bridge. It's like an hour bridge. Oh, yeah, the causeway. And Covington was beautiful.

And they kept saying, was it John Goodman? Someone lives over there? John Goodman allegedly lived up there once. They told me that every fucking day of my life. And they go, John Goodman, you might come by when everyone get ready. I'm like, isn't that even there? Like, it's a fake story.

But Covington was great. But the hotels are smaller because it's like a little town. But we went to shoot there and people would come over and knew me. And so I thought, oh, I don't know if I can stay here because they'll just wait in the lobby, you know? Yeah. So I stayed back in town.

At the Ritz. Yeah, where it's safe. I literally go, hey, I'm going to go to McDonald's. And the guy goes, I wouldn't go to that one. I go, it's 20 feet away. He goes, yeah, I wouldn't go to the right. He goes, just go that way. And I go, what's the right?

And he goes, do you want to get gunned down? I go, what the fuck? This is the Ritz. They go, yeah, they don't put that in the brochure. I go, yeah, no, they don't. So yeah. You want a big funeral, dude? Go buy and get that.

Exactly. So I always just walked out in fear. Wow. But it's, you know, New Orleans is a good place. Oh, good. All right, well, thanks for meeting you. I'm tellin' him, man. Nice to meet you too, dude.

David Spade, thank you so much for your time. And you guys go check out his new special on Netflix right now or very soon. It's called Nothing Personal. That's a good title because it is nothing personal. I make fun of people. But you know what, the truth is, everyone gets pissed about all this shit.

I make fun of myself more. So I'm not canceling me. So they shouldn't, right? What if you just canceled yourself? That's the best way to do it. Oh, that's a good idea, beat anyone to it. I'm done. What the fuck did you say about me?

And then I say, you said you were a little shrimp cocktail? I think it's offensive. And I think that's it for you. And then I take myself out of it, you know? And then I un-retire. Yeah. Yeah, man. It's backwards, baby.

It's forwards. David Spade, thanks so much, bro. Yeah, man. Let's do it again in a couple years. OK, cool. Now I'm just floatin' on the breeze. And I feel I'm fallin' like these leaves. I must be cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself online. Shine that light on me, I'll sit and tell you my story. Please, shine on me, and I will find a song. I will sing it just for you.

And I've been movin' way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past. And these rills that I've been robin' on, they want something that they're damn they're gone. And I guess now they just weren't built to last.