This Past Weekend - E391 Shane Gillis

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Starting point is 00:00:35 Smooth out your fellas, your balls, with the relaunched ultra smooth package from the fellas at Manscaped. Your balls. Well, thank you. We can do it, you can do it. And we can do it together if we want. Doing some shows and that is May 7th.

Starting point is 00:00:54 I will be in Los Angeles. We added a show right in Los Angeles here for the Netflix is a joke festival. That's at the Wiltern, Albuquerque, May 18th, Midland, May 19th in Texas, Lubbock, Texas, May 20th, Dallas, Texas, May 21. And a show has been added there and selling well. Almost sold out.

Starting point is 00:01:19 Thank you guys so much for that support. Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd, Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd, Montgomery, Alabama, June 4th, Columbus, Georgia, June 5th. If you have friends over there in Georgia, you know, people that love Georgia, you tell them about it. Hollywood, Florida, June 23rd, Fort Myers,

Starting point is 00:01:40 Florida, June 24th, Daytona Beach, and Lakeland, June 25th and 26th. Grab your tickets at theovon.com slash tour, that is the safest and best place to get them. Thank you guys so much in advance for your support. And I look forward to seeing you on the Return of the Rat tour. Today's guest is a very talented young man

Starting point is 00:02:02 and he's a great comedy man. And he's so happy he's here today and he has his own podcast called Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. He has his special live in Austin, which has over four million views on YouTube. I'm happy to have him return to this past weekend. My friend, Mr. Shane Gillis.

Starting point is 00:02:29 And let me break and let myself unwind. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my story. Shine on me. And I will find a song. I'll be singing just for you. Shane Gillis, man, your life, you're getting busy, man. I am busy.

Starting point is 00:03:05 Yeah. I mean, you're getting busy, man. Do you, do things start feeling a little bit different? Cause I feel like you're kind of becoming like the guy, you know? Oh, thanks, man. Like the handsome Tim Dillon. I am.

Starting point is 00:03:18 I was gonna say, yeah. The second part had to be because of the hands. So I was like, wait, what? Like that Tom Selleck meets him. Yeah. Yeah, a little more. Yeah. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:03:31 I don't, how did you feel when it happened for you? When it was, when the, the come up? Cause it makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, that's an interesting question, man. I, I don't think you know that it's really happening to, like it's happening, but it's, I think the funny thing is more of it's happening for other people in some ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:50 Cause they're all watching it. Yes. But the way you, the way that I noticed it started to seem for me was like, people would kind of stop me. And I was like, oh, this is interesting. Yeah. I don't know if I'm going to be able to not be seen in some types or sometimes now, like in some ways maybe.

Starting point is 00:04:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then people started coming to the shows and that was the part. That's it. Yeah. And then occasionally, like occasionally I'll get a pop on an intro and I'll be like, oh, shit. Like this is new.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah. Oh, yes. Oh, that is, you know what? That's actually exact. First time, yeah. First time I got one, I did a guest spot.

Starting point is 00:04:30 It was right after I rogan the first time I did a guest spot on Tim Dillon's show. Yeah. And I, it was like a surprise guest and I got a pop and I was like, what the fuck? You're people are excited. This is crazy. Yes.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Oh, this is good. Cause the next night I went, I went back to Philly and I was, I did a spot on DeStefanote show in Philly, which is where I'm from. And I was like, I'm gonna get another pop. Yeah. Dude, we got a guest spot for you. Shane Gillis.

Starting point is 00:04:54 I've walked out and it was like, and I was like, damn, I thought I had something going. And it was just you clapping on your back. Yeah, I was just like, woo, this guy's great. Yeah, dude, that's when it is. I think that's when it is. You know what? That's really the perfect thing.

Starting point is 00:05:08 It's like, yeah, it's like when you're going on stage and you're like, oh my gosh, there's people, like they'll say something you've said before, they'll yell out a term. Dude, we were doing a storytelling show last night and well, two weeks ago. And I, Okay.

Starting point is 00:05:23 Oh, cause you were doing, It was last night. It was last night. That was at the National Comedy Festival. At the Wild, what is it? Wild West Comedy Festival? No, I think it's just National Comedy Festival. At National, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:31 At National Comedy Festival. It was at the Ryman. And it was a storytelling show, it was Ari's show. And like two seconds into my set, cause I was like opening with some material. I said two words. I was like, I like history. And this guy was like, do a story.

Starting point is 00:05:45 I was like, dude, you knew two words of my material? That's new. You psycho. Then he came up after he looked like hell. He was like, that was me that yelled that. I was like, you ruined. Yeah. Don't give me a high five.

Starting point is 00:05:57 Yeah. Why do these people, there's always that guy's like, Hey, I was the guy that ruined it. I was one who fucking yelled and ruined your shit. Remember me? There's always that urchin. He's like, hey, he's like slides up.

Starting point is 00:06:07 It's almost like, it's like, it's always some real. I wish you could see this dude. He looked like, he looked like a, like a minor. He looked like a 49er. Oh yeah. Like beard. Like, and his bro were fully decked out in Titans gear. Everything Titans.

Starting point is 00:06:21 Yeah. It was crazy. It was crazy. Titans condom on. Good bros though, for real good bros. Definitely a Titans condom. Oh, I bet he had a Tannehill condom on. Dude, I bet.

Starting point is 00:06:33 You know, Rob Baronis hit a tree not far from here. He used to be a field goal kicker. Yeah. And he hit the upright. Rob, my Baronis. Yeah. And he hit a tree. How's he doing?

Starting point is 00:06:42 He's, he's gone. He's in heaven. He died from a hit in a tree. He got heavened out. Yeah. That'll do it. He hit that. Wide right, bro.

Starting point is 00:06:50 He hits the upright. Damn. It's, it's kind of a. That's terrible. It's like a lore around the natural area. It's a lore. It's where Rob Baronis hit a tree. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:59 And they even have his initials on the tree too. Really? Still. What was I going to say? Oh yeah, dude. So it's, yeah, you're, you're, you're just, this is kind of it. You know, where you get busy

Starting point is 00:07:11 and then you can sell tickets. And I think that's the amazing thing is that people want to come see you. It's like, cause you, it's almost weird with comedy. You get going in it and you're just doing it. And it becomes just about the comedy. And then you realize, wow, people want to come see me.

Starting point is 00:07:28 Like there's something about me that they, sometimes it's not the comedy I think, especially with podcasters. And, and especially with your story, kind of like being the like, you know, there's a whole fucking SNL type of energy out there in the world anyway. And I think that you add that with your,

Starting point is 00:07:46 your, you know, just being insanely funny. And then it's like, oh, I want to go see this guy. And then people with podcasts, they like the person they want to see the person. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:58 It happened pretty quick. Yeah. So like, cause it's no tickets forever. And then all of a sudden people want to show up and like, ah, if they yell your dad's name out, you're like, all right, take it easy. Ronnie's son. Chill, chill, chill.

Starting point is 00:08:09 That's Ronnie's son. I'm trying to do stand up. Yeah. This isn't the podcast. Yeah. It's fun though. Do you think sometimes people don't know when they come, if it's going to be like the podcast,

Starting point is 00:08:20 or if it's different. I find that sometimes I find that some people are like, oh, I thought, there's some times after the show that somebody's like, man, I thought it was going to be like the podcast, you know? And I almost feel bad. I'm like, dang, you know. Yeah, sorry.

Starting point is 00:08:32 Yeah, I wish I could make it. It's not as good. Yeah. Stand up. That's sort of funny. Stand up is me doing something. Yeah. Like doing my little art.

Starting point is 00:08:40 Yeah. But man, yeah, congrats on everything, dude. It's awesome. It's funny, because I even look at you and I even get like just jealous, like all the, because the funnest thing is when you, when people are getting to like getting to know you, you know?

Starting point is 00:08:55 And I mean, obviously, I still have a ton of people getting to know me. I'm not saying like I've made it or nothing, but. You could say that, yeah. Like you stay busy enough, you know? But the funnest part is, yeah, when people are like, oh, Shane Gillif, you're the Shane Gillif.

Starting point is 00:09:07 I wonder if that's, cause that's how I feel about like my buddy, some of my friends are still doing like open mics and hanging out in Philly. And I'm like, dang, that was the best. Oh yeah. And like now, I wonder if you're just having the same thing where you're like,

Starting point is 00:09:17 now the best was when it started. Oh yeah. Cause if this is the best, I'm gonna be sad. Yeah. Cause if this only gets worse from you, I'm already pretty bummed out. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I'm not doing great.

Starting point is 00:09:29 That could be something. That could be something. So dude, so cause you grew up in the, in Pennsylvania, man, you grew up out and were you like an Amish country? Did you ever have any interaction with the Amish? Yeah, there's a lot of Amish around here. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:42 Lancaster, that's, I was like 30, 40 minutes west of Amish country, but they're around, dude. Did you ever get approached by him? Because I could see you being like, I definitely, if I'm Amish and I'm a, you know, I don't want to say a milk drinker, but if I'm somebody that's close to that udder, maybe I was getting milk, they saw me.

Starting point is 00:10:00 That guy's chugging milk, obviously. Like that guy's 8% right there. They, no, but you'll see him. We see y'all at him when we're kids. What would y'all say like us? He's like, nice fucking horse, dumbass. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, get a car, you fucking idiot.

Starting point is 00:10:16 No, no, no, no, no. He drive past them. It was fun. Now I look back on him like that's very inappropriate. The crazy part is people that yell out like queers. You're like, it's not gay. These aren't gay people. Still, that's love.

Starting point is 00:10:29 I mean, they're gay for wood. It's more homophobic and I don't stand for it. Yeah. That's funny. Driving by an Amish dude in a buggy and be like, you're fucking homo. He's gotta be like, what the fuck? Oh dude, a couple of black dudes called me the N word

Starting point is 00:10:42 a couple of months ago, dude. And it was like. That kind of brightens your day a little. I felt, you know, I was like, you promise? You know, I didn't know what to say. That's so cool. Thank you guys. Like say it again, man.

Starting point is 00:10:54 Yeah, it's cool when you guys there. We like it. I remember when I was young, somebody was throwing rock. Me and my buddy were fishing. It was a black friend of mine. Who's thinking Joe for murder now, man, my friend Devin, but he, he, we're fishing in some white, some racist white dude or somebody racist

Starting point is 00:11:13 who looked white from where we were, was up on these train tracks and starts throwing rocks at us. Really? And yelling the N word, right? And so I jumped out and I'm like, not me, dude. Say it like, at least I could. Yeah. Don't get me.

Starting point is 00:11:26 You're getting the wrong guy. You're gonna hit me with a rock. But that shit was wild. The homage every once in a while gets smoked by like trucks. Uh-uh. Dude, they're driving horse, horse and buggies. The truck, truck driver will go wide right and just splatter them.

Starting point is 00:11:41 Rob Barone. Horses and shit. It's bad. Really? And they hit him. And I guess, oh, oh, would you rather get hit from the back with a truck or from the front? Like definitely from behind.

Starting point is 00:11:56 Pause. Definitely. I don't want to see that thing come at this. You don't. I don't want to have one second to be like, oh, here it comes. I just want to fade to black. Just, that'd be nice. Oh, what sound would you make?

Starting point is 00:12:12 I said, oh, I think about that, what sound? Wait, am I in a car or I'm just getting hit? No, you're just walking. You're out there walking. Something's not going good. Yeah. Right. Something's gone wrong.

Starting point is 00:12:21 Yeah, something is wrong. You're walking out there. And I'm walking. And yeah, I definitely want it to be from behind. Yeah. I don't want it, dude. Because if you see it coming your last, you know, you're going to be trying to get out of the way

Starting point is 00:12:31 for the last second. That's going to be your last thing you do. And the saddest part of one of your friends saw you because you probably put your hands up and they're like, yeah, he put his hands up to try to stop it. Like you see that idiot, he's a fire truck hit him. He put his hands up to try this. You would, dude.

Starting point is 00:12:46 You'd go. Of course you would. Yeah, that would be tough, man. It'd be tough to figure that out. So was there a lot, was there Amish people like in your, like was it a, was there like, would y'all go to any Amish markets? I'm just trying to wonder.

Starting point is 00:12:59 There's Amish markets and shit in Lancaster. I didn't really go to those, but they have, we had like Mennonite kids in our school. Wow. Yeah. Chick that would wear like a bonnet. Yeah. They were like, cause there's levels to Amish.

Starting point is 00:13:12 And there's Mennonites that I don't think follow like the no electricity and shit, but they'll like drive. The only color their car can be is black. They can drive it like twice a week or some crazy shit. Oh really? Yeah. Oh dang. They're not all like strict, no electricity, no this.

Starting point is 00:13:26 Yeah. Oh dang, so they got some like Batman Mennonite kind of folks. Yeah, there's a lot of those guys. Damn. I didn't realize that. They're flying dude, they're out there. Yeah, we tried, I know we tried for a while to get a real Amish or somebody semi Amish on here

Starting point is 00:13:43 and we couldn't do it. I was at a football game in Indiana, there's a lot of them in Indiana and Ohio too. And they, these dudes were just on rum spring and fucking tailgating with us. Wow. And they were getting wrecked dude. Damn.

Starting point is 00:13:57 They were jacked from all the fucking work. Oh yeah. Just getting ham, just idiots. They were dumped. Oh, they could build a bird house with their tone. They filmed everything. The Amish still built a dam. They were like, and they speak with a crazy accent.

Starting point is 00:14:10 Really? I can't even do it. I don't know, they call us the English. Oh wow. Yeah. I didn't know that so they don't look at, so do they look at themselves as even like, I mean, I guess they look at themselves as human, yeah?

Starting point is 00:14:22 For sure. And they look at themselves as religious, but they don't look at themselves as like English or anything. No, they think we're the English. Wow. And they're the, I don't know what the fuck they are, Germans. Damn.

Starting point is 00:14:33 Yeah, they're wrong. Yeah. They're just wrong, across the board. We're some of the women that y'all see some of them Amish. Nice babe. It's rare, but if you see a hot Amish chick, it's like, damn, that's my queen. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:47 She's in a beautiful flowery dress. Yeah. No one's touched her. Oh. What a sweet angel. Stinks like hell. You think they smell good or bad? No, they smell bad.

Starting point is 00:14:56 Oh. Yeah, they do smell bad. I hope they're, well, yeah, they're not gonna care. Oh. Yeah. They don't smell great. Yeah, there's something kind of, I feel like there's some sense of romance about it.

Starting point is 00:15:08 Yeah, for sure. Cause you, I think you always romanticize like a woman with a pail of water and, you know, and you can help her. Hey, I'll be, you know, let me help you. I'll build us a boat or something, you know, like I feel like, and you can almost, you could use anything to get some excitement.

Starting point is 00:15:23 You could be like, Hey, let's, you know, have you ever done this? And you just do like the Dougie form or something, you know? You just do like something like, have you ever done the soldier boy? You just do something like that. Yeah. You do something crazy that they've never seen.

Starting point is 00:15:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've never even seen it. Yeah, yeah. You're incredible. This is gonna be a hit. This is a hit. Yeah. This is a fucking hit.

Starting point is 00:15:41 This is a fucking hit. Yeah. The soldier boy hit that. Even if you just do this. Smash hit. And they're like, oh my God. I've never even thought of doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:51 I just think some of the ways you could hit on Amish women would be insane, dude. For sure. Or if you did this thing, you know, like, oh, you know. They might burn you. Yeah, yeah. They might burn you. You might get lit up.

Starting point is 00:16:02 You do the soldier boy, they might burn you. They might be like, dude, that's witchcraft. Yeah, that's true. We're not having that here. Imagine how peaceful, you think it's peaceful being Amish on the inside of them or you think it's. I don't know, that's the thing.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Like you were saying, it might be great. Yeah. Just fucking working, doing real work, like farm work, building shit, and then you go to sleep. Oh, yeah. I don't know. And you don't, no one around you is fucking doing good. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:26 So that helps. You're not on Instagram. No, you're not, so you're not, but I wonder if there's an intense fear of missing out because you're seeing, you see one car go by and something, you know, there's a little, you know, there's someone, a woman with a bathing suit. You got to lose your mind.

Starting point is 00:16:43 Yeah. You're just sitting behind a horse, going fucking four miles an hour down that fucking highway, convertible flies by. It's something you just smell like. You hear one second of cool music. Yes. What the fuck was that?

Starting point is 00:16:57 Yeah, yeah. What the fuck, dude? And yeah, and then it's like, get your eyes back in your head. Samuel, you're like, Jesus Christ. Why are we doing this? This sucks. It must feel like you're on the most insane Halloween ever,

Starting point is 00:17:12 I feel like. I mean, yeah, if you ever get it, and they do rumpspring it, and that's as long as you want. It's not like one year. Some of them stay out. For like 10 years, have a regular life, and then they're like back to homage.

Starting point is 00:17:23 Guys, I got to let y'all know. I'm going back. Yeah, I'm breaking. Which is probably fucking sick. You just burn out in real life. You just go so hard. Go as hard as you can, get addicted to shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:35 Then you're like, dude, I'm going back to the farm. I bet when you roll back in there, though, I bet people are coming up and smelling your breath, wanting to touch y'all. Like, what was it? What was it like? Yeah. I've been doing cocaine.

Starting point is 00:17:46 Edward, was it rumpspring it? Look at him. I've been doing cocaine. Yeah. It's crazy. You know how much we get done around here? Yeah. Oh, that's fascinating, man.

Starting point is 00:17:55 See, I wish we didn't have nothing like that growing up, dude. We grew up actually, they had like an adult store near us sometimes, and sometimes they would throw boxes of stuff that was defunct in the woods. And so we'd be back there. People would come back with all kind of sex toys and shit with pine needles and stuff on them.

Starting point is 00:18:12 But we didn't have anything like, and we had black people, white people. But we didn't get any, almost mythological creatures when you go, you know what I'm saying? It's a real, pull up an armist, brother. Can you pull up a land dutch? I think they call them as well. They are, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:35 It is just a different, they're just doing a different time period for no reason. Which is, it's just unbelievable. It's 1820. It's like, why? Yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. Now see the horse.

Starting point is 00:18:48 Lancaster is beautiful though. That like area where they're at. Oh yeah. It's awesome. Well, and also I wonder what happens if they see the horses having sex. Does that set, you know, is that an awkward time for everybody, I wonder?

Starting point is 00:19:01 I bet they don't give, I don't think they, I think they're like great, more horses. Oh yeah. Like I think they're, yeah. They're not thinking of it like us, like porn. They're not like, dude, he's fucking the shit out of that horse. That's awesome. I wish I could do that.

Starting point is 00:19:14 Yeah, it's not like Mardi Gras New Orleans, you see, there's a video of Mardi Gras New Orleans, like there's a cop on a horseback and another cop on, and then one horse starts, and the cops are still on him. Yeah, which I think is the gayest thing you can, it's almost bestiality too. If you're riding shotgun on a horse fuck, who are you? You notice God still know you?

Starting point is 00:19:38 That's the part that really gets me. What was that time period, we actually got a question that came in about a time period, was this it? That's beautiful, yeah, let's go with it. Shane, Theo, what's up? This is Jesse Boone, coming to you from Atmore, Alabama. Love both y'all, love both y'all's content, love both y'all's specials, but podcasts,

Starting point is 00:19:58 keep it up fellas, I love it. Shane, I'm a history nerd, get the sense that you're a bit of a history nerd, got a question for you, two questions really. One, what's your favorite period of history to read about or listen to a podcast about? Two, when and why haven't you started a rip off of the old history of Hainas, Allah, Chrissy, Chaos,

Starting point is 00:20:27 and Yanni Papi, love you guys, gang gang. Gang baby, thank you brother for the question, Mr. Boone there. Yeah, I mean World War II is the easy one. Is it? That's the cool one, everybody likes that one. And is that the one, who were they killing in that? Was that Jews or not?

Starting point is 00:20:44 It was, yeah, I got some of them. They killed everybody though. Oh, they did. But they got a pretty bad, you know what I mean? They got jaded out, yeah. Yeah, that was a rough one for them. They don't like that stuff. World War II.

Starting point is 00:20:57 They don't like it, yeah. Oh, trust me, every book at the airport's about it. Yeah. I get it. Yeah, and yeah, I feel that. I like the Civil War though. The American Civil War, I love it. Yeah, bro.

Starting point is 00:21:10 You ever go to the Nashville battlefield here? Dude, when I was growing up, we used to do CWRs all the time, man. Really? Yeah, we'd be at them, man. We got to be the, we got to do the drum a few times. What else? I got to be like a soldier's son.

Starting point is 00:21:23 I used to go CWRs constantly. Do you really? Yeah. Oh, because of Lancaster stuff. I was in Gettysburg. I grew up right next to Gettysburg. Dude, the reenactments were fucking crazy. Fucking, we showed a fucking one, boy.

Starting point is 00:21:33 I love love now, you guys. You guys stunk, dude. We fucked you guys up when we took the gloves off, the North just rained down on them, dude. Well, you know where we fucked up is, we kept a lot of the brothers out of the fight. Yeah, obviously, obviously. If we'd had a plan to get, I think it did,

Starting point is 00:21:53 you know, get a little bit more, gets a bit more urban, yeah. We kept it way too, I think, honkyed out. Yes, yeah. Towards the end, the union was like, get the brothers in also. Yeah. The shit started, got bad.

Starting point is 00:22:07 But you guys had a lot of, I don't know why you guys won, I guess we probably had some disorganization, I bet, and I think we don't. No, you guys, the South was much better, the generals were better, it was organized, but like Lee and fucking Stonewall Jackson and Longstreet, those guys were beasts.

Starting point is 00:22:25 That's why they were even in the fight, was because of how good they were. Oh, wow. Because the union outnumbered them more in, more industry, more guns. But they just didn't have that, streets, they didn't have that, that did smarts. They had pussies in general, allegedly.

Starting point is 00:22:39 I don't want to be smirked by these guys. But I could say, probably, maybe they had some real nerds up there, I could see that. They had nerds, they were all, well, they were all West Point guys, but they were all like, there's a guy named McClellan,

Starting point is 00:22:50 who just wouldn't. Oh yeah, George. Yeah, he just wouldn't attack. Yeah. They're like, you gotta go. Lincoln was like, go dude. People in the woods are yelling boo. Oh, that's crazy man.

Starting point is 00:23:02 Sherman and Grant dude, Sherman came down and gave you guys what for? He got fucking lucky. Pull up a picture of Sherman on Mr. Sherman Civil War. Here is the man. Let's get a look at him. I have his picture hanging in my house. Do you really?

Starting point is 00:23:16 He got Sherman and Grant and Custer. Oh, George Custer? Yeah. And he was the one dating Indians as well, I think. That's the one with his arms crossed, crazy hair. A lot of DIY, man, a lot of dating Indians yourself. They had a lot of those dudes out there. A lot of them dipping in the cornmeal.

Starting point is 00:23:33 I think you are, bro. What would you be doing? I mean, I just get done committing a humor. You just get done committing an atrocity. You're not gonna want to have some sex? Yeah. At this point, you've done, you're done. Right, you're done.

Starting point is 00:23:48 You've sold your soul. You are evil. That's a good point. Let's go. Once you go evil, you've been your, fuck it. Then you're in evil. Yeah, it's like, normally I wouldn't just grab this lady,

Starting point is 00:23:56 but I did just kill a family. Yeah, you're right. Damn. It's time to go. That's crazy, once you go full evil, you're full evil. I didn't really, I never really thought about that. You know, we had a guy that lived across you

Starting point is 00:24:08 from us named Brad, and I think he killed his mother, who was our favorite lunch lady, Annie. Dude, and we loved her, dude. And she liked her, one of her hands shook, her both of them shook, and she would like get the food, and it would just sit here, hold down, God forbid. Oh, bro, it was such a risky, waiting for the food to get to your plate.

Starting point is 00:24:29 It was like one of those guys that used to drive the dynamite trucks back in the day, you know, on the rocky roads. It was just unbelievable. Really? And then the grandson, like, yeah. But he got sick of it. Well, he, I think they thought that if they killed her,

Starting point is 00:24:43 she was gonna, they were gonna get the apartment. And they didn't get it. The landlord kept it. Somebody else kept it. The landlord was like, that's not how this works, dude. Yeah, dude. Just bad fucking. This isn't fucking medieval times.

Starting point is 00:24:57 Yeah, it was just a lot of. You can't kill them. It'd be the heir to this apartment. Yeah, just bad organization, man. But yeah, dude, I can't believe that the civil war would have been insane. Dude, I have had these dreams where I go like undercover boss into like, I don't want to say slavery,

Starting point is 00:25:11 but like I'm like an undercover boss like in a, like amongst like a slaves, you know, slave group or something, I don't know what they, like I don't know what the correct term is, you know? But I always have these dreams where I go undercover, that show undercover boss or something like that, you know? Oh, okay. Yes, I get it.

Starting point is 00:25:31 All right, it took me a while. I was just worried about where this was going. Yeah, so you're saying you would want to be a plantation owner that's like undercover bosses. No, I'm not saying anything like that. Okay, what I'm saying is that. That's how you say it. It'd be undercover boss.

Starting point is 00:25:46 No, I'm saying I have had dreams where I go undercover boss in like a, and I'm like a four minute, like a, like a, I don't recall, like a, during slave times. Yes. Yes, and what are you saying? So that would be a plantation? Yes. Okay.

Starting point is 00:26:08 Yeah. So you would want to be the boss of the plantation. No, I don't want to be. But then how could you be the undercover boss? Because I'm having dreams where you do undercover bossing, where they like send the boss to work at the plantation. I get it. Right, okay.

Starting point is 00:26:20 So you want to be the undercover boss or you just dreaming it up for someone else? No, no, no, it's not a dream. It's not like in my, you know, like 20. You wrote it down? I hope. Yeah. You woke up like that.

Starting point is 00:26:32 That was a great idea, dude. I'm going to get this done. It's not on a vision board. It is just, I have apparitions in my head while I'm resting. Yeah. You know, I'm talking about nighttime dreams. Yes. So you want the owner of slaves to,

Starting point is 00:26:46 and how would he be undercover? What would he have to do? No, you're suddenly undercover. I just keep, in the dream, I'm undercover and I'm like, oh, what do you guys want to do today? You know, but I'm seeing if anybody wants to sneak out or escape. So it's like, I'm like. You're doing it like for bad reasons.

Starting point is 00:27:00 Yeah. I'm like secret shopper. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? Secret shopper where people come in and they order the food, but they're not really there to eat. They're, they're sneaking around for somebody. Sure.

Starting point is 00:27:10 Yeah. But anyway. I thought you were going down there to check on morale and be like, how's everybody doing? Oh yeah, you know, I am. You were going down to be like, any of you motherfuckers trying to leave? Let's, let's, let's just order that Nazi pizza.

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Starting point is 00:29:00 can't even speak well. You see somebody and you ask them something and they don't know. And they do know, but they can't even, they just kind of do, what's it called? When you play that, they do charades. You know, they'll tell you, what do you want for lunch?

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Starting point is 00:30:29 Here's a young man and this guy seems like he has a lot of problems. Let's get a question from him. Hey, what's up Shane? It's Austin calling from Denver. Just want to know who's the bigger patriot? You or Theo? Let me know.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Gang babel, I think with historical accuracy it's obviously you. I mean, you know more even about some war reenactments and stuff like that, you know. Yeah, it's your world. I think you're, I don't know, I'm kind of, I don't know. I don't know enough about your patriotism.

Starting point is 00:30:59 I believe that I like tradition. You know, that's where I'm at, you know? So I really like tradition. I like, I think tradition is important to keep a country a country. Yeah. So I think a lot of our tradition gets killed off these days by people that are fucking lambs.

Starting point is 00:31:21 Yes. So I think, yeah. That sounded, honestly, that sounded more patriarch than anything I would ever say, so. Really? Yeah. Like I would even do, I remember sometimes I would do the pledge of allegiance like this.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Oh, shit, that's crazy. I had a kid, I remember in high school, my buddy would sit down during the national anthem, a guy I knew, white, chubby white kid, every day I'd be like, get up. Yeah. Get up. I was so mad, I was doing that, I was so mad.

Starting point is 00:31:49 I was a kid though, I was like, you better stand up. I just saw Saving Private Ryan. It's my, I love the sniper in that movie, get up. Yeah, I think it was, I mean, I like, I don't know, I guess I'm just, also I grew up with a lot of traditions. So you, you know, you kind of get used to that stuff and you think it's important, you know? And it keeps people associated with one another.

Starting point is 00:32:09 It's like, you can relate to other generations because you have similar things that you've all done, you know? But I don't know, I mean, to me, that kind of stuff's really pretty important, but I don't know who could be a real patriot, but my favorite movie is The Patriot, next to A League of Their Own.

Starting point is 00:32:30 Really? Yeah. I love that movie. I've seen two people. This is crazy. I had two flights, I had a connecting flight. On the first flight, I fell asleep. The guy in front of me was watching A League of Their Own.

Starting point is 00:32:40 The second flight, I like, came up from another nap and a dude was watching A League of Their Own. And I was like, is this the same flight? I was like, did I dream? It was crazy, who was watching that? Yeah, it's a great film. Yeah, me or people that like it also may be listening to this show, but.

Starting point is 00:32:57 I remember my sisters rented that. Yeah. And when I was a little kid. And it came in the white case, remember? And I was like, fuck this movie, I don't want to watch this movie, it's fucking girls, it's stupid. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:06 And then I watched it and I was like, fucking nice dude, A League of Their Own rules. So good. It's so good. We went to the Rockford, Illinois recently, did a show there and got to go to the town and go to the museum. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:33:16 And see like all the old equipment and attire and stuff. Really? It was pretty cool. I believe there's one woman left. Can you see, is there anybody still alive from Rockford Peaches? Championship?

Starting point is 00:33:27 Rockford Peaches? Championship? Yeah, I just want to see if anybody's still living from it. Cause they had one lady and they kept wheeling her out at events and it was getting dicey. It was like, got rough. Oh, dude, some of the last pictures, she just had like a bake sale.

Starting point is 00:33:40 And bro, I don't even know if she's alive, dude. And there's just, somebody's playing like a radio. It's like, we are members of the y'all. And she just, bro, there's nothing left in the tank. What you got there, Bubby? Margaret Wiggelser, a peach. Oh, January 2019, the last living local Rockford Peaches. Oh, our Helen Waddle, who's had some health scares.

Starting point is 00:34:08 But at her 90th birthday and Angi Argamotto. Wow. Angi Argamotto. Dang. That's crazy, boy. When your name's once, let it short of anger. It's A-N-G-E, they spell it. How did you know you were funny when you were young?

Starting point is 00:34:23 Did you know you were funny? What was going on with you? Yeah, I knew I knew I was funny. That's kind of a dickhead growing up, looking at school and shit, yeah. I always had fun making fun of people. Oh, yeah. Talking shit.

Starting point is 00:34:35 When you're young, that's the best way. I loved it. Yeah. Yelling. Class, school, what's better than being funny in school? Farting in class? I never did it, you did it? Oh, I used to, yes.

Starting point is 00:34:46 Wow. And dude, my one buddy used to fart. Yeah, he used to really do it. And he would come up to you and be like, there's a funny joke, he would walk up to you and go, who do you want me to pass this gas to? And he'd go, you'd pick someone and he would walk up to their desk, fart on the desk.

Starting point is 00:35:02 Ooh. How fun is that? Dude, he used to shit differently. In high school, he would shit. He would come up a different way to take a shit. And me and all my friends would come in and watch him. Like sometimes he would hold himself up from the top of the stalls and drop it in.

Starting point is 00:35:16 Oh, yeah. He would plank at the top with his ass down. Ooh. We got to drop a teacher game and it was like, what the fuck is going on? He was holding himself up. His face was dark red because it was so hard to do. It was hard to do.

Starting point is 00:35:30 It was so hard. He would drop like one drop out. We'd be like, yo, let's go. People were screaming. A math teacher came in and was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Get out of here. We all had to run.

Starting point is 00:35:41 You're like, divide this bitch and he just shit. There is something amazing. Shit is like such magic because it's like you can just make shit come out of your body. It's almost like doing magic, you know? I bet the first time nobody had ever seen it somebody was like, had just opened their eyes and had never eaten.

Starting point is 00:36:00 And then one guy would already eat and rolled up. And he's like, hey, watch this. I'm like, that's insane. I bet that was really pretty, pretty powerful. Yeah, when you're young, you're like fascinated with it. I remember like you'd watch animals shit. You're looking around. You're like, damn, shit is crazy.

Starting point is 00:36:18 Everyone's shitting. I would watch myself shit. I remember sticking my head like as a kid trying to watch. And really seeing, yeah. Well, poop's coming out of your body. I mean, the fact that something's leaving your body that you didn't, because I remember first when I was young, I got so scared because I didn't remember eating poop.

Starting point is 00:36:35 I didn't know how it worked. And I was like, oh my God, dude, I didn't, I didn't, maybe I've been eating this in my sleep. Yeah. I was like, have I been eating this in my sleep? You ever shit outdoors? Yeah. It's a tough one.

Starting point is 00:36:47 I've never done it. You never shit it outdoors? I've never shit outdoors. My buddy's having, I hate it. But you hate it? Anytime I've been around it, it's just the worst. It's the worst. Well, it smells so fucking bad out of water.

Starting point is 00:36:59 Out of water? Yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying. It's not in the toilet. A dump is catastrophic. Yeah, I think it kind of depends on where you do it and how you do it. Because I got a feeling you've shit outside a lot.

Starting point is 00:37:10 Oh, well, dude, when I was young, they had this kid in our town named Mario. And he died. Actually, he drove his boat into an embankment, which is insane. And RIP, man, I feel so sorry for him. His mother was a librarian and a beautiful guy. He was Italian, I think, or semi-Italian.

Starting point is 00:37:27 And he would defecate in his yard. And I was younger than him. And for us to be friends, I've told this story. He'd make me bury the poops in his yard. And so I was always over there shoveling around. And his yard had a lot of silt. I think it was like alluvial soil. OK.

Starting point is 00:37:46 So I was always over there moving. And sometimes you get too many in one area, and he'd make you move them to another area. I move the bodies. Oh, like I'm John Wayne Gacy or something. Like, oh, that was a nightmare. And then, oh. It's a good friend.

Starting point is 00:38:00 How did he talk you into that? Oh, he's one of those kids that didn't even blink. He was just had just sheer electricity going through. I need you to come over to my house. Yeah. Well, if he's like, if you want to hang out here, you're going to do this. And I was a kid.

Starting point is 00:38:12 So I remember getting a lot of looks at that kind of work. And oh. Yeah, you could judge for that. Yeah, but myself, I did Mount Kilimanjaro one time with a buddy, and I remember for an extra $150, the Sherpas that go with you will build you a little duty tent. Because otherwise, you've got to just defecate in the wild. And there's other things shitting out there.

Starting point is 00:38:35 There's a lot of animals out there. You're in Africa. So it's weird when you're out there shitting. You can feel other things shitting in the distance. It makes you. It's got a real royal rumble type of vibe. Everyone's out there. You're not the only one in the ring.

Starting point is 00:38:50 And so I remember being up there for an extra $150, they'll build you that little, you know, they'll get you that little, yeah, that just little duty domicile, you know, they'll really construction you up a little shit hostel. And so, yeah, we did it. And thankfully, we were able to go in there, you know. But there was a couple of times where we couldn't.

Starting point is 00:39:10 And we would do it outdoors out on the mountain. Yeah. Kind of nice. But yeah, I guess that school lunch table was the most fun. There was nothing more fun. Did you have to go to church? Then that time, sometimes. Yeah, I went to Catholic school, so we always

Starting point is 00:39:26 had to go to church. Those, a fart in church is, I'd have to leave. If I heard someone fart, I'd be like, I'm so sorry, everybody. I'll never stop laughing. Because then in the rest of the time, it's quiet. So the only thing you can hear is that burnt off the pew from across the room.

Starting point is 00:39:43 Just a burn. Room down, down. You hear, I'm just like, oh, no. I have to leave. I have to leave. Wow. Yeah, something like that was so magnificent. Well, I had this one fell in our class.

Starting point is 00:39:56 He would always walk. We had this chalkboard that was close to the wall. And he would always walk back behind there. And people would forget that he was back there. He'd stay back there for a few minutes. And then he would just fart so loud. Like the class would carry on. It'd be eight minutes later.

Starting point is 00:40:11 The teacher would be giving. And he would, you'd forget. It was such a, it was trapped in this little sound space. And it was just surprising a room with a fart. They didn't know you were there. It's fucking hilarious. That's genuinely bad because you'd startle a teacher. An adult would be like, is somebody back there?

Starting point is 00:40:29 Yeah. Farting. Somebody behind, who's back there? Oh, that's the best. Somebody else, who's back there? Who's back there? Somebody's farting and you got to walk out. Put the fucking dumb grin on your face.

Starting point is 00:40:48 And they're like, I don't know what that was. High school, if you're young enough and you don't give a fuck about high, if you're in high school and you don't give a fuck about it really and you're kind of smart enough to get high, you're unstoppable. You can do anything. Because the teachers know it's bullshit.

Starting point is 00:41:04 It's fucking bullshit, dude. Yeah. Yeah, because they barely finished it. And all they're doing now is teaching it. Yeah. So I always wish I could go back and just be like, dude, I promise it doesn't matter. Go wild.

Starting point is 00:41:19 Go fucking nuts here. Because I was so afraid because I'd get hit by my dad if I fucked up. Oh, wow, really? Yeah, not if, for me, it was hard, but he wasn't beating me. But it was like, that was always like, if I got a detention or something like that,

Starting point is 00:41:36 I was like, fuck, my parents are going to fuck me up for this. Like, I didn't care about the teachers or school. I was like, there is a looming physical punishment for this fart. Damn. So you had a little, there was some skin in the gang. You had to really want it. Yeah, I got, I actually got the belt once

Starting point is 00:41:54 because my friend, the same guy I've been talking about this whole time, Dusty, he farted, we were doing Stations of the Cross, which they just go around and talk about each thing Jesus did on the way to getting crucified. And so it's like, it's pretty serious and everybody's very quiet. Probably it's like the first 48.

Starting point is 00:42:10 Yeah, and he farted so fucking loud. And I was, I just exploded. I was, I was crying and my teacher kicked me out and I tried to defend myself and I was like, Dusty farted. And she was like, that's too, you're suspended. And I was like, I'm going to, I started crying outside. I was like, I'm going to get my fucking ass beat. I got home.

Starting point is 00:42:30 My dad, I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad was cutting the lawn in the back and I just walked out and stood on our back porch and held up the pink slip. He just let go of the mower and it turned off. And he walked in and I ran into my room and he was walking up the steps, slapping the belt. Dude, yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:48 That's awesome. And I was like, he didn't even hit me really. He was just like, it scared the fuck out of me. Damn. It was terrifying. It is kind of crazy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy.

Starting point is 00:42:57 He's a good guy. Look, I think you got to beat your kid a little, you know, or spank him. He didn't like hit me hard with the belt. That would be fucking wild. Well, when you also think about what a dad could really do, like right now, you could have a seven-year-old or something, right?

Starting point is 00:43:10 Yeah. Fuck him up. If you really wanted to, you could annihilate a seven-year-old with a belt. You could do like a fatality. Yeah. You could like take his arms off. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:21 Like Goro. Just like a wishbone. Oh, what'd you get? Oh, yeah. You could do that to a kid. Damn. That's insane, man. Here's a guy right here.

Starting point is 00:43:30 He's been like a pretty safe guy and he's got a question for us. But I would say, yeah, let's answer that fellow's question. The toughest time to be, or a time I would really enjoy, civil war would be so, civil war would be so, like it would be grueling. I wouldn't want to live in any other time. Right now is the only time.

Starting point is 00:43:49 You think? Maybe the last like 30 years, but yeah. What about maybe like the 70s, you think? Yeah. 70s could be, I think 70s might have sucked it. Let us be lovers. I don't know. There was real big orgies and stuff.

Starting point is 00:44:02 Yeah. I'm not an orgie guy at all. Oh, you'd be the fucking place for everybody to feed up. You're the tall guy. Me to change. Me to change. I don't want to be near any of that stuff. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:10 I think if I was back then. You'd be there with a camel back on. Okay. Dude, if I was back then, I know I'd be one of the dudes that was like fucking hippies, Vietnam's good. I'd be, I know that too, I'd be. The calf slicer, baby. That Peruvian necktie, the banana split.

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Starting point is 00:46:35 Hey, Shane and Theo, this is Colton coming at you from Carney, Nebraska. I was wondering who do you guys think would win in a cage fight with you two against each other? Maybe to the death, maybe just the first one to get pinned. I don't know, it's up to you guys. Anyways, gang gang.

Starting point is 00:46:52 I think you would probably, oh. Very wired. I think we would be a good fight. Yeah, yeah. It's an interesting thing to do to a guest on a podcast. Have a guy on, be like, oh, let's take some questions. Do you think you could beat me up, dude? That's true, sorry.

Starting point is 00:47:07 What the fuck? Yeah, I didn't think about that, sorry, man. No, it's totally fine. And I didn't even know we were gonna have this question, actually. I think, I don't know, again, same thing with a patriotism. I've never seen you in action.

Starting point is 00:47:19 Yeah. Yeah. But I've got probably a hundred pounds on you, so that'd help. Or hurt. That's a good point. Yeah, it could be interesting. I think it'd be a good match. I think so too.

Starting point is 00:47:28 Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I'm trying to think if there was anything else that was super, like we would go spend time, like I'm just trying to think of times that were really, really funny when you were young. Like what was the most, well, once things, once girls come into the picture, some of the fun starts, it's still there, but it changes.

Starting point is 00:47:45 Then it's about being cool. Yeah. There's a certain level of coolness that kind of comes in then as well. There's a lot of fun being mean to your friend who's trying to be cool. Yeah. Like when you see a kid trying to pick up a girl,

Starting point is 00:47:57 it's very fun to be like, you're gay for trying to do that. Yeah, I'm trying to think of other things that were great when I was young. I mean, so much of it was on field trips, bro, when you were going field trips. It was nuts. It was nuts. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:13 Just on the bus, on the way to the zoo. Yeah. With your bros and girls. That was when it was nice. When you started getting horny, and then you'd go on a field trip and you'd be like, nice, I'm sitting with the girl. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:23 Yes, this is so cool. We're gonna kiss. Oh, you're like, damn, Melissa's sitting with Shane. That's crazy. Crazy. Yeah, how'd that even happen? What'd it come up to? Yeah, and you're like, damn, he's really changing, I guess.

Starting point is 00:48:32 And then other guys would feel so defeated. You're like, I'm still sitting here with freaking Marcus. Yeah. This dude's ugly. Yeah, but they would have more fun. Actually, no, I would have, but that was so fun. When you started dating for the first time in your life, like, yeah, that shit ruled.

Starting point is 00:48:46 Now it sucks. I'd rather hang out with the bros. Yeah, it definitely did. If I was on a field trip, I would hate it if I was sitting with my fucking girlfriend. Oh, yeah, that's true, huh? It is interesting. Yeah, you go through these phases where it's like,

Starting point is 00:48:59 one is kind of better than the other. When you're really horned out, bro, when you got your hormones rolling in your body, damn, man, then bitches. Yeah, you can't believe it. Yeah, you can't even believe it. This is so sick. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:12 Holding hands. You're gonna slow dance? Bro, when your teacher would come over and lean over to tell you something, you would see an edge of a fucking tit. We had these, we had these. I would almost throw my dick off of my body. It was crazy.

Starting point is 00:49:23 I couldn't handle the pressure. We had a lady that was like 70. She was like 70 years old, huge tits, great tits, but looking back at it, it's like, damn, that's crazy. I was horny for that lady every day for like four years. Every day I'd just stare at this lady's old, giant tits. Yes.

Starting point is 00:49:44 Yeah, and teachers would try to dress as unseductive as possible. You made it even harder, dude, give me that. I need to see that. Yeah, I want that B minus tit. I don't mind that. I like a good totally covered woman. Yeah, me too.

Starting point is 00:49:57 That makes me even more horny. See, that's why I could really see you. I could almost see you look like an attractive Amish woman if you had the bonnet on and the full regalia. I look like fucking Rosie O'Donnell in League of their Owners. Oh, damn. Dude, you know who just messaged me the other day? It was Roseanne Barr hitting me up and sent me a deal.

Starting point is 00:50:13 Really? Yeah, I texted her. She texted me back, actually. I wish she would. I used to want to tour with her. That'd be awesome. So cool. That would be cool.

Starting point is 00:50:23 She was so cool, man. Yeah, so now are you moving into theaters in some spaces? Do you like that? What's that like for? I haven't headlined a theater, really, actually at all yet. Yeah. I think that's going to start next year. Wow.

Starting point is 00:50:36 We're working on that right now. Yeah. Actually, this year I'm doing some theaters in England and Ireland. Oh, wait, I saw that. You're going to the Shepard Blush? Well, actually, yeah, that'll be my first. Dude, that's so cool.

Starting point is 00:50:46 That'll be my first one. Yeah. Wow, bro. Yeah. That audience is going to flip for you, huh? I hope. That'll be cool. Dude, that's so cool.

Starting point is 00:50:54 Yeah, I'm excited about that. Are you going to Scotland as well? Yeah, Glasgow. Glasgow, that's where I win. Yeah, yeah. It's probably the same run. Yeah, it probably is, man. The first time you did it, it's probably.

Starting point is 00:51:05 It's got to be the same promoters, probably. Yeah, we get. Well, they let me pick, I think, at Edinburgh and Glasgow. And I picked Glasgow. It's just more working class over there, you know? Yeah, I'm doing like Manchester, Leeds, Glasgow, London, and Dublin. Damn.

Starting point is 00:51:20 Yeah, that'll be cool. Then Australia, which I've never been over there. How's that? Oh, the best. Really? Do not come back. And give yourself an extra week over there, bro. I mean, I was there for two weeks doing shows,

Starting point is 00:51:33 but I should have taken like a week and just stayed. Just, yeah, maybe I will do that. It's, yeah, because it's so hard to kind of get back over there. Yeah, I know. That's like, I'm excited about it, but I'm already mad about the flight. Yeah. It's going to suck.

Starting point is 00:51:47 Yeah, well, I think there's just a way to manage it. Do you have trouble with the flying and traveling and stuff? Are you kind of OK with it? I don't mind the flying, but I usually fly first now. Yeah. I'm big, dude. If I said coach, I'm literally, I feel bad.

Starting point is 00:52:00 Right. Because I'm the guy, when you see me walking down the fucking aisle, you're like, please don't sit next to me. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or at least in my head, that's probably right. If I was somebody and I saw me. Big, long jack.

Starting point is 00:52:12 Don't fucking sit next to me, dude. You're not going to fit. Yeah. So I feel bad. So I'm like, I'm afraid to touch the person next to me. I sit like this for like four hours. I'll have my shoulder. Yeah, it sucks.

Starting point is 00:52:23 Yeah, I'd do that, too. I would used to actually lace my arms under the seatbelt in front of me like this, put them both in. Yeah, it's a good way to keep them there. Yeah, does you keep them there? And because I was usually tired and I would, I would be an erratic sleeper like that. And so I didn't want to hit anybody while I was, while I was

Starting point is 00:52:38 kind of laying there. Yeah, I was losing it. Yeah, first-class flights to Australia, like $20,000. Is it really? They're crazy. Well, I definitely noticed this. Anything that's expensive is now extremely more expensive. Like inflation's gotten crazy.

Starting point is 00:52:52 And I think there's Bill and everything out there. Like even I noticed now, if you get like a suite at a hotel, like a regular room might be 180, 160. A suite now is like 900. You're like, what? It's just crazy. I mean, it's just, I don't know. It's a lot, man.

Starting point is 00:53:10 Yeah, I hope it doesn't continue to suck. It would really blow if we got into like for real hyperinflation and like shit did go bad. What could happen? That would suck. Do you think you could handle yourself? Do you have any preparation? Like do you have any?

Starting point is 00:53:23 I don't even, I don't have a gun. I don't have, yeah, I live in fucking New York. It's hard to go in. Can you have, you can get a gun there probably. Yeah. Probably maybe down in Alphabet City. I think, yeah. Maybe not even there anymore.

Starting point is 00:53:36 Yeah. New York's, if shit started to go bad, I'd get the fuck out of New York. Right. That wouldn't be, that'd be probably the last place in America I would want to be. Or get on a ship too. There's a lot of ships leaving out of there.

Starting point is 00:53:46 Ships would be good. People don't think about that. I asked somebody one time, where would you want to be if the world was falling apart? And they'd be like, I'd get on a ship and go like a couple hundred yards off the coast. I'm like, oh, great idea. Then just come back in when you need snacks.

Starting point is 00:53:59 Yeah. Or fish. Yeah, they'd just be like your vending machine. Yeah, what else was I going to do? Nashville would be good for that. This would be a good area. For what? Ships started going pretty bad.

Starting point is 00:54:09 But you're centrally low. So there's a lot of people that could really attack you. Yeah. You know? I think anyway. Has it been weird after the COVID ended in New York? Has it been weird? Has it been normal?

Starting point is 00:54:25 Do you find yourself missing the pandemic at all? Yeah, I miss the pandemic a lot. I left New York. I was just at my parents' house a lot. Shit ruled. I was down in the basement playing video games. I had an old Xbox 360, the NCAA 14 on it. I played it for like six months.

Starting point is 00:54:40 Oh, yeah. My mom would make dinner. It was wonderful. God, that is nice. It was great. And it was nice not fucking drinking every day. It was nice hanging out, not going to bars, just fucking sitting at home.

Starting point is 00:54:52 I mean, I could do that now, but. Yeah, do you? Do you? I feel like I missed it, too. I feel like I missed. There was less people on the roads. That was the best. If you weren't scared of the pandemic.

Starting point is 00:55:02 It was the best. It was the best. Dude, I drove across the country at the beginning of the pandemic. It fucking ruled. Did y'all stay at campgrounds? No, I just, I went by myself. I drove out to fucking Stan hopes in Arizona.

Starting point is 00:55:13 Oh, wow. It was the best. No one on the road. Gas was fucking 30 cents. Yeah. What was it like going to Stan hopes? Is it pretty? It's wild.

Starting point is 00:55:22 It is? I was ready to go back to my parents' basement. Yeah, I don't know. It's fun. They're the best people on earth. Oh, yeah. They're like the most loving people. But I was tired.

Starting point is 00:55:33 It's a lot, huh? I was a guest. I felt fucking weird. I was there for like a month. Oh, what? Yeah, I overstayed pretty hard. And were there any clues that you should have left? No.

Starting point is 00:55:44 I was like, I should leave. I'm going to leave. And they're like, you don't have to. You don't have to. This is fine. There's a guest house. I was just there. Oh, dang.

Starting point is 00:55:52 Was there a pool? No pool. But it would get weird when I wouldn't hang out. If I spent like a day or two just in the guest house, that was weird. So then you feel like you're going to come out and they'd be like, does he fucking hate us? You're like, no, I'm just hungover.

Starting point is 00:56:06 I'm not you guys. Yeah. I'm trying. It's hard. And you're in the desert, dude, doing partying or drinking anything in the day. It's like twice as hard on you. Yeah, you wake up.

Starting point is 00:56:14 It's just like, oof. I used to be able to hear my eyes click open because they were so dry when I'd be so dehydrated out in the desert. And it would click open. What do you think about that Elon Musk and Twitter, man? I like it. Yeah, me too.

Starting point is 00:56:31 What's the holdup? I don't know. Is it just because he's going to put Trump on? Oh, is that it? You think that's what his plan is? I'm sure he would. I think he's going to be like, we need free speech. I think he's just going to open the gates.

Starting point is 00:56:41 It's going to be kind of like that. Yeah. Yeah, like. Maybe he'll destroy Twitter if he does that. I don't think he will. I think Twitter will be fucking nuts. You can do anything? I know.

Starting point is 00:56:51 Twitter, if Twitter really you could do anything because it's really, it's an extremely, it's like an alt left app, basically. Yeah, kind of is now. It feels like anyway. Maybe it's not. I don't know. I mean, they, yeah, I mean, didn't they have like the head

Starting point is 00:57:04 of the Taliban still on Twitter? Oh, yeah. Trump was not. Yeah. That's a good point. It's like, what are we doing? And how much, I wonder how much like hype they lost when they let Trump go because Trump was a fuck.

Starting point is 00:57:15 I mean, as ridiculous was he carried it. Now my favorite thing is his old tweets. Yeah. You ever read those? Yeah, so good. Yeah, it's so good. He's like Robert Pattinson needs to leave that dog of a woman. She's going to cheat on him.

Starting point is 00:57:27 I know it. It's just crazy. He's talking about the twilight kids. The best is when Barstow, Dave Portnoy interviewed him and was like, oh, yeah, about the tweets and stuff. Do you ever like kind of prove freedom before you put it out? I was like, you know, sometimes you kind of just rattle it off and then you go to bed.

Starting point is 00:57:47 And I was like. He was just, he was tweeting. That was him. I was just down there. I was just at Mar-a-Lago. Oh, I saw that picture. Did you get to meet him? No, I saw him though.

Starting point is 00:57:57 He was hanging out. Really? And there was like no one else there. And somebody was talking to me about his tweets. Like they were with him tweeting and he would just sit there and be like, send it to shitstorm immediately. So dope. Like 50 articles immediately.

Starting point is 00:58:13 So crazy, man. Dude, do you, what was Mar-a-Lago like? Was it real fancy? It was extremely fancy, but it's small. It's small. It's not as big as you'd think. Can you get a, it's a motel, a hotel room? No, you can't.

Starting point is 00:58:25 You gotta like get like, I had to get like clearance. Yeah, like the day before that to get like my name and all that shit. Wow. Yeah. Cause I got some shows coming up in Florida. I wonder if I could go there. I bet you could.

Starting point is 00:58:36 I bet you could. It's crazy. There's like a guy with a machine gun at the front door. What? Like this is why. What is it? It, I think it used to be, it's like a club. You can join it.

Starting point is 00:58:46 It's like $200,000 a year for membership. And there's golf too? There's no golf course. It's like a spa and a restaurant. Oh, wow. And that's, it's about it. That's two pools. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:59 And he just lives there basically. So that's the fun part. You get to see him walk around occasionally. He plays the music. He plays what? He DJs. No, he doesn't. He DJs the music at Mar-a-Lago.

Starting point is 00:59:09 It's crazy. And what kind of stuff does he choose? And is it like Chingy or what is it? When I was there, it was Hotel California. Yeah. Which was crazy. And that's also like the most widest old dude song too. And then it switched from like shit like that.

Starting point is 00:59:22 And then it went to like Proud to be an American. I swear to God. And then it would go back to that shit. It was like the Beach Boys. Dude, I'm surprised that more black dudes didn't like trunk. I think low-key, every black dude kind of fucking loved Trump. I think so.

Starting point is 00:59:37 I think that's a, yeah. Because he made, because he. Kodak Black chose there. Oh, he does? At Mar-a-Lago. Wow. Yeah. Because he was all, I mean, in the end,

Starting point is 00:59:47 he's kind of about bitches and money. Yeah, that was it. You know? Yeah. That's a good president. Yeah, I mean, it's like. Give this guy the keys, dude. See what he does.

Starting point is 00:59:59 By far the most entertaining president. I don't even know if being president even matters anymore. It feels like if you're in politics now, it almost feels like it's just ridiculous to even be in it. Yeah, it is kind of embarrassing. Yeah. You look like a dork, dude. Yeah, I guess it's not that important,

Starting point is 01:00:13 because Biden's clearly dead. Oh, I cannot. At a certain point, it's kind of not cool that we put a guy out there who's not well. I can't, dude. It's kind of sad. Yeah. It's like mean.

Starting point is 01:00:24 Right. That's what I feel like. This is the only way we can win is him. Right. And it's like, this is kind of going to embarrass this. He's going to ruin his whole legacy. Well, every time he goes up there and speaks, you can just tell like, you know,

Starting point is 01:00:34 you can see an old guy when he's not doing real help. Yeah. You know? It's fun to see him when he's on, though. Every once in a while, there's glimpses. Oh, shit, he's still got it. Yeah. He's firing.

Starting point is 01:00:42 I've heard he's a super nice guy, man, from people from friends of mine that know him, but I don't know. I never knew a lot of politicians. Every politician in Louisiana got busted for sex crimes or embezzlement. That's good. Yeah. It's who you want.

Starting point is 01:00:58 You want someone that's like, I'm taking fucking wild risks. Yeah. I'm trying to get it done. Yeah, that's true. I think it's the only real way to be. I think you want like a real, you want that Jesse James in there. Yeah. Do you, I kind of wish people would start voting in insane,

Starting point is 01:01:14 but just create the wildest person you could think of. We're two, the last two have been fucking nuts. That's true. Trump was wild. Yeah. Biden's crazy. Yeah. These are two crazy picks.

Starting point is 01:01:23 Yeah. The last eight years, we've had a leader that's like half, you know, half the country's like, dude, what are we doing? We've made some wild twists. We're like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah. Just shuffling two quarterbacks. First round, Donald Trump.

Starting point is 01:01:36 God damn it, he's a bust. We're rolling through, dude. Fuck it. Do you think he'll run again? I don't know. I think if he does, Rob DeSantis won't run the guy from Florida. Right. But then I think DeSantis, it seems like DeSantis is going to run.

Starting point is 01:01:51 Yeah. And then who the fuck are the Democrats going to go? Like, who are they going to pick? I don't know. They're going to have to go with us. He co-authored Biden again. If they were like four more years, he's fine. He's just laying down somewhere.

Starting point is 01:02:08 Like, he's our guy. He's sharp as shit off camera. He gets nervous. They do need to try. It's laughable, but they could. It's fucking laughable. I hope they get Hillary. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 01:02:20 I hope they get Hillary. Dude, if we get Trump, Hillary. Oh, again, the rematch. I'll go crazy. Look, I was like, I didn't vote for Trump. I never voted. I didn't vote for Trump. This one, I'd be like, Trump's got to win this.

Starting point is 01:02:34 I'd be so pumped, dude. Oh, that'd be exciting, dude. Yeah. It'd be a good battle. Oh, I think it would be. It would just be so good to see them, too. Yeah, you see them talking shit again. Oh, so good.

Starting point is 01:02:47 Yeah. That's the kind of shit, the best part. I wish that the president had to pick a vice president from the other. It had to be from the other part. I always wish that Trump and Bernie had to be on the same ticket, because then it's like, you have this, they're going to have to figure shit out.

Starting point is 01:03:03 You're going to have to have some real conversations. So Lincoln did with his cabinet. Did he really? There's a book called, like, Team of Rivals. He just got everybody disagreed with. Oh, yeah. See, right there, you're a better patriot than I am. I think that gives it.

Starting point is 01:03:18 I mean, I had an autographed hacksaw Jim Duggan poster. That's pretty good. That's, honestly, that's kind of more patriotic. I don't know. I mean, he was a construction worker, but I don't know if that's more patriotic, you know? Yeah. But that's something.

Starting point is 01:03:32 You like wrestling now? Not as much. I mean, I don't go watch it. No. Have you been recently? No. Well, Soda took me to one like four years ago. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:42 I'd never been to one. It was actually fucking, it's cool to see. Yeah. In person. You're like, holy shit, this is real. It's a real production. Yeah. You guys are getting fucked up.

Starting point is 01:03:49 Oh, I saw a Mexican father and son, and combined they were probably eight, four. And they were, it was when the rock came back. There's a night row rock came back. It was like 10 years ago. And they were, when he came out, they were both standing there holding hands, balling crying. Damn.

Starting point is 01:04:06 And it was like, oh, it was beautiful. That's what I was just saying. I just saw, I just watched WrestleMania. I haven't watched wrestling in years. Yeah. And Stone Cold came out, and I was instantly just like, holy shit, this is so sick. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:19 Yeah. I'm afraid I can't get into it, because that would be, I don't need that. I don't need to be a wrestling fan. What can you take on? Yeah. I can't take that personality on. At this point?

Starting point is 01:04:31 Yeah, it'd be bad. There's not a lot of pros. Now, I will say this. You remind me, bring up the big boss man. I think you look a little bit like this guy. People bring that up a lot. The big boss man's son. I see that.

Starting point is 01:04:42 Yeah, I can bring up that. If you look up big boss man, policemen wrestling. Yeah, I do look like the big boss man. But it's funny that we look through things as it lends with racism, not because at the time, it didn't seem racist. It's not like my black friends wouldn't not watch wrestling. Yeah, it'd be like Farouk would be out there.

Starting point is 01:05:00 The big boss man would come out with a stick, a police stick. Hit him. I mean, I think there's certain. Oh, shit. Yeah, I mean, you don't want to play this in Minneapolis. You don't want to play a lot of big boss man reruns. There's certain places you want to do stuff. Well, it is finishing move.

Starting point is 01:05:17 The big boss man? I don't know what he would do. Yeah. But yeah, it's just fun. Yeah, it's just fun and shit. But the old promos, like they'd have a fucking, like an Arab dude come out and be like, I ran to the best.

Starting point is 01:05:29 America can suck on fucking dick. Gold crowd would be like, you motherfucker. See, that's one thing I love about, I love it if a crowd wants to change USA. In other countries, you're allowed to have so much more like this is our country. You know, but here, the media, I feel like you try to say. Yeah, they've told us to chill the fuck out.

Starting point is 01:05:47 Right. Our media tells it. I think we're the only ones doing that. Totally. Other countries, no, I mean, now saying chill the fuck out, but like other countries are like, they're not, we have flags everywhere. In America?

Starting point is 01:05:59 Everybody in America is like America is the fucking best. Or at least that's how it used to be. Yeah, that's how it used to be. Yeah, now it's a little more like, actually, we have a pretty troubled history. Yeah. Like you go to fucking any other country, dude. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:11 Look into anybody's history. Everybody's saying it, not saying it doesn't matter. But yeah. They're all a little dicey. Yeah. Well, being alive, existence has been a dicey run. Yeah, it's been pretty bad. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:25 I think, you know, I don't know. I mean, I just, you know, I do my best. Did you ever do opium in them show? No, by the time, no, I was late. I did Anthony Akumi's show. I did Jim and Sam, shit like that. Oh yeah, Jim and Sam. Ever opium.

Starting point is 01:06:42 Yeah. Yeah. That's a bummer. I've seen you go on there. It was fun on there. Yeah, it was wild on there. Yeah, dude, I had so much fun in there, just sitting goofing around.

Starting point is 01:06:49 I just felt like such a, just felt like a real goofball. And that's what, it was also nice back then, you'd be exciting to be on a show. You'd be like, oh, shit, I've got to do serious XM today. This is fucking crazy. Yeah. But now if it's like, oh, fuck, I got to go to this podcast. Fucking radio.

Starting point is 01:07:04 Yeah. Oh, the radio. Yeah. Yeah. The radio really, really, it's not on the road. When I was just starting, I was like, damn, so sick. Yeah, got to do radio, not a big deal. Yeah, like we're over at the radio station.

Starting point is 01:07:16 I'm not doing it. Yeah, it's like, I'm not doing it. Dude, it must be crazy. A lot of comment, I guess, I haven't gone into morning radio in a long time. Thank God, I mean, it's a blessing not to have to go. But remember how hectic it was? If you got into a place, you'd get on the late flight,

Starting point is 01:07:30 sometimes, or you'd get the early flight. You'd get there. You'd have to go straight to the radio station. And then you had to try and get a nap in after that, which is fine. 6 AM. It's always fucking 6 AM radio. And you go in and they don't care at all.

Starting point is 01:07:43 Half of it, they're like, so what was SNL like? Every now and then in Florida, they would care. Florida likes the radio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Florida still loves their radio. Calta? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:55 And they had Rochester, New York had a good radio station. There's still some markets that were pretty sick. Yeah. But it was different, man. I just hated waking up. Yeah, so hard. Did you ever, I remember getting so drunk one night. I peed all over my phone.

Starting point is 01:08:11 It was like when cell phones first came out and I fucking missed it. And they were furious. Oh, really? People were so pissed. Yeah, what are they? It's OK. Yeah, it was bad. Oh.

Starting point is 01:08:22 It was the day where I was supposed to drive myself over there. Oh, OK. So that was the thing. I got to do one Rogan show and I didn't know that I was going to go up first, right? So we're just standing there backstage and he's like, you guys ready to start the show? And we're like, yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:36 And I'd just been kind of like getting busier, you know? And so like, I think I was probably somewhere in my head. I'm getting a little bit full of myself or something, you know? And so then he just gets on the mic and I just assumed that somebody else is there and then he goes first. And then he's like, ladies and gentlemen, Theo Vaughn. And I walk out there and I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:08:54 It's like 3,000 people. Most people I've ever been in front of. People are still sitting down. And I'm like, oh, Jesus. Yeah. And part of the lights that were still on for some reason, it was just. No. Oh, it was so hard, man.

Starting point is 01:09:06 It was so hard. That was one, though. That was a nightmare, bro. I mean, it was awesome. Yeah. And it was super cool, but it was just hard. Yeah, that sucks. I've had to do that a couple of times where like, you're on the road with someone

Starting point is 01:09:17 big and they're like, all right, you go first. When I shouldn't. Yeah. No, but you're like, of course. And then you get off stage and fuck, I should have killed. Right. But people were literally sitting down and they hated me. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:30 Oh, that's the feeling I had off the stage. Oh, dude, I wanted to get out of it. And then I don't even want to get out of the place. You want to get out of the whole city. You want to get off the tour. You want to get off of the earth when it goes real bad. Was it was it was working with Louis? Pretty cool.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Yeah, it was awesome. That was like a dream. Did he approach you about it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it was cool. He saw me perform at the cellar one night and he was like laughing. And I was like, damn, that's crazy.

Starting point is 01:09:53 And then like two days later, I got an email from his lady that was like, do you want to come work on the tour? I was like, yes. I was pumped. Was it when you were was it? Did you feel real inferior with his comedy? Because his comedy is so unique and good. It's sometimes I'll watch and I'm like, oh, man.

Starting point is 01:10:11 Yeah, for sure. I mean, but he's one of those like he's so good that I'm not even comparing. You know what I mean? Right. Like if it was somebody like our age and they were murdering and I wasn't even close, I'd be like, I actually I don't like them now. Yeah, something crazy like that.

Starting point is 01:10:25 Yeah, yeah. And that but with with him, it was like, yeah, he's I think he's the best ever. So yeah, I didn't. Yeah, it's cool to watch. Yeah, he is he I mean, it's just man, he's so good. I just watched he just ran his. I was with him. He ran his new hour for the first time after his special.

Starting point is 01:10:42 I was with him the night he ran it and he was like, it's funny because he was like nervous. He's like writing and like, how do I just killed the first time he ever ran it? That was when I was sitting in the back like, fuck, I'm not even close. He hadn't even ever practiced it. He'd run it. He'd definitely done like spots. But it was the first time he ran it all together.

Starting point is 01:11:00 Yeah, someone said that he made and this is a room that I heard $13 million on his special selling it online. Yeah, probably. I believe it. I wonder if that's true or not. I believe it's probably what, like 10 bucks, 20 bucks. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:16 Because how many people have to buy it then? A million. Oh, yeah, good call. I'm there. Yeah, something like that. Because I remember asking my agent about it and he's like, no fucking way. You know, yeah, but but the agents want you to think that because they want you to sell your special to a to a.

Starting point is 01:11:33 Also, he was running ads. Did you see any of those? Uh-uh. Louis was running like he bought ad space on TV. I was running infomercials. That's amazing. For the special. Good for him.

Starting point is 01:11:42 They were like funny. Yeah. Damn, he's so creative. Yeah. Do you find it easier as you've gotten more popular? Do you feel like it's gotten easier? Do you feel like it's gotten more complicated? Has anything changed for you think as far as?

Starting point is 01:11:54 I think stand-up wise, it's definitely it's easier, which is kind of a problem. Right. You know what I mean? Right. Like people just like to see you. So it's not even about what you're doing. Excited. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:03 Like that is a bit sucked. And they're like, I'm so good. Yeah, there's something about the element of surprise. Yeah. Yeah. There's something about being surprised. Did they have a lot of, I'm trying to think of something that could have happened when you were young.

Starting point is 01:12:19 Oh, do you remember the first man you ever saw that could have been home of sexual or anything like that? And you guys were kind of shocked by it. I guess I didn't know because it was priests. Oh, I knew something was weird. I just figured it was because he was a priest. Oh, yeah. He like spoke with an effeminate voice.

Starting point is 01:12:34 Oh, dang. But I remember being a kid and being like, maybe it's just because he's a priest. He's different. Oh, yeah, like God loves him so much that he has so much love in him that some of it's coming out towards men or more of it than usual. Yeah. Yeah, I think that was it. How about you?

Starting point is 01:12:49 The first guy you saw that you were like, definitely. Well, we had a mentally handicapped guy in our town and people would be like that guy's you know, and he wasn't his mentally handicapped, but nobody knew because he rode like a woman's bicycle. And so people were always yelling gay at him and stuff like that. But he was really handicapped, you know, and he would kind of come by the school a lot. But I think it was he was like child minded. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:16 So he would just try to be by the school and stuff like that and be friends with other boys and he wasn't gay at all. He was just his genetics were gay or whatever. You know, he was straight, but he was just mentally unwell. I had two guys like one guy. He used to ride a tricycle around. It was sick. He had a tricycle with his customized license plate on the front with his name on it.

Starting point is 01:13:36 What was he trying to get? It was John. He would try to get you. He would come up and be like, do you like pancakes? Ooh. He'd be like, yeah. Yeah. Like you want to put pancakes in my pants?

Starting point is 01:13:45 He'd be like, dude, John, what are you doing? I didn't even I wasn't even afraid as a kid. I'm going to use that. Like I was just like, this guy's wild. I didn't even think that it was like he was trying to rape. But I don't know if he was. I don't think he was. I think he was just having fun.

Starting point is 01:14:02 Breakfast. Saying wild stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to put that on his name. I think he was just riding his tricycle around talking shit to people, which is a pretty good life. Oh, dude, I think, yeah, if you're living like that, I think live in law. It's definitely one way to go.

Starting point is 01:14:16 Getting a tricked out tricycle. Yeah. If you're a mentally handicapped man and someone hooks you up with that. Yeah. And then you just get to ride around and say whatever you want to like kids. Oh, yeah. No one had a problem. Oh, go up to kids and they'd be like, that's John, dude, he's wild.

Starting point is 01:14:29 Yeah, he's wild. Remember that before everything was for everybody was a creep. It was like that guy's wild. Wow. He has a good time. Yeah. He's just riding around a tricycle through a neighborhood. Um, yeah, I'm trying to think if we had like a guy, I mean, we had some

Starting point is 01:14:42 Pettos and stuff as I got a little bit over alleged guys, you know, yeah. Um, I was, I was giving a pass to the mentally handicapped Pettos. Oh, yeah. I can't be mad at them. Well, I'm sure there's an I've heard of this, um, that there's a lot of guys who would let mentally handicapped guys jack them off or do, you know, do sexual stuff. That's not great. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:03 No, but to like, oh, for them to get it out. No, for them, like the guy wanted to. So it's like to help them. You know, I hate to say to help them out, but it's like, yeah, you know, the guy wants to so bad and you were trying to help the mentally unwell, I guess. Now that I say it out loud, it sounds like crazy. That's totally crazy. It's almost like, hold on.

Starting point is 01:15:27 It's almost like I think this mentally handicapped guy's horny. I'll take care of it guys. No, I'm going to let him masturbate me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Fuck, man, fuck.

Starting point is 01:15:40 People are fucked up. I didn't even think about that. I always thought like, yeah, man, I totally see what you're saying, but now that I really put it on, you know, put pen to paper, it's pretty bad. Here's a question that came in right here. Hey, Theo. Hey, Shane gang gang was wondering what you guys thought about taxidermy. I got my Impala right there and then got my Ram head right here.

Starting point is 01:16:04 Ram head. That's the bathroom that from Matt Shane. You can talk him into getting one. You guys down for it, bringing the outdoors indoors and what kind of taxidermy would you guys like? Good question, man. You know, a lot of, you'll see in the urban community, they do a lot of human taxidermy.

Starting point is 01:16:21 You've seen that recently. A lot of that stuff's been put out there like a brother at, you know, have him standing by the door at his own funeral. You know, yeah, that's awesome. It's just pretty live, man. He's putting a blunt in his fucking hand. Yeah. Everyone, yeah, that's a good way.

Starting point is 01:16:31 White people do pretty dope shit like that. Like white people are hella fearless, I think, when it comes to death. White people are a lot more like traditional with it, I think. Yeah. And black people sometimes will get a lot more avant-garde, you know? Sure. Those African funerals, they're holding the casket like dancing and shit. Yeah, shit's so hype.

Starting point is 01:16:50 It's a decent way to go. Isn't, wasn't New Orleans pretty cool about it? Oh yeah, no. They have like parades and shit. Yeah, they got good second line parades and stuff like that for weddings and funerals, you know, people will come out and celebrate. You can hire these guys and they'll come out and play and everybody kind of gets these towels and you dance a little bit.

Starting point is 01:17:06 It's got a real, that's actually one of the funnest things, especially if it's at a wedding, you're rolling through the French court and everybody's just letting it go. That's awesome. And you're just like, yeah, it's a really good time, man. My, uh, They're in their tuxedos cruising. To answer that guy's question, the, my girlfriend, her dad haunts like crazy,

Starting point is 01:17:23 like African animals. So he's got like a taxidermy room of like all that shit, like the Impala and all that. And we're gonna, I'm gonna get him. I bet he's gonna give us two. If he passes away? No, he's giving him, he's mailing them. Oh, wow. Do you get to pick them out?

Starting point is 01:17:36 You already picked them out? I think they're ones he didn't like, but they're awesome. You know, so I'm gonna have two of those in my apartment. Wow, that's pretty cool, man. Pretty excited about it. Yeah, it is nice. Yeah, well, I'm trying to think, I almost bought a buffalo not long ago. I was price gout.

Starting point is 01:17:48 The man I thought was price gouging it, but it was a buffalo head. That's awesome. Yeah, we'll see. I think, I bet it's still there. I thought about driving by, but, um, but that's something that I thought about. Wait, he's got, it's in a store. It's in a store, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:01 Do you notice different loves as you get older? Yeah, definitely. Like the first time you fall in love, it's like crazy. I was in college. I was like, I was such a fucking weirdo. I was like emailing. I was like emailing her. Should we get in a fight?

Starting point is 01:18:15 I'd be at work after. I'd be like, you motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Send in like crazy. Yeah. Yeah, it was. Because email was like, it was almost like a text message back then. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:25 There was no. And I'd have to check my emails. See if she got back. Oh, she didn't send another email. That'd be the worst. Yeah. How about you? Are you in love?

Starting point is 01:18:38 No, I'm not in love. I've definitely been in love. I would like to be in love again. Yeah. You know, I think it definitely gets different. It gets different when you're young, that young love. Man, do you ever buy flowers for a girl or anything like that? Do you ever do any crazy stuff like in front of a group of people?

Starting point is 01:18:57 You're like, dang, that dude must be in love. I'm trying to think. I went to a basketball game once. And like gave a flower to a girl at the game. Like when she was in the stands. I think I did that. And it was like people were yelling. You know, people were yelling the N word, dude.

Starting point is 01:19:11 I'd be on your ass. Like it was like. I saw a dude do it. Yeah. You know, I have done it. If I saw someone else giving a flower to a girl, I'd be like, pussy. It'd be so fun. I think I didn't yell pussy.

Starting point is 01:19:25 Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it got soft. Bro, it was so crazy. And I had so much at me at the time. I was afraid to move my face because I thought a lot of the act would pop out of my skin. That's crazy. How to go with a flower.

Starting point is 01:19:39 Did she like it? It went fine, man. It's like it doesn't work. Like anytime you go crazy like that and like try to do an over the top romantic thing with a girl, you're not dating. Oh, yeah. Like if you're like, I want to date you. I got you this bouquet.

Starting point is 01:19:54 Yeah. She's not in. Dude, they had, uh, I remember I used to work with this one guy named Thomas and he sent this girl is like the biggest cinnamon cake ever. And I'm like, what is a cinnamon cake? First of all, and, uh, oh, and she thought he was insane. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:13 She, he sent it to a bar. She worked that. So she's gets to her bar shift and there's a huge like somebody sent you this. Do you know Thomas? Yeah. She's like, barely. You got me a cake.

Starting point is 01:20:27 And he has to sit there waiting like, yeah, I wonder how this is going. He's probably loving that fucking cake. He just gets a text like, never call me again. Fuck. Sitting back, launching a cake and sitting back and be like, this is going to go well. And then never hearing from the woman again.

Starting point is 01:20:48 Yeah. Just drop it. You forget about it. And now you can't even go to the bar anymore. Oh, never again. That's the craziest part. Never again. That bar is gone.

Starting point is 01:20:57 You got to burn it down. Yeah. You got to go that night and set fire to it. Oh, man. I'm trying to think of anything of another time. I wrote a poem to a girl once. Oh, definitely. In like seventh grade.

Starting point is 01:21:10 Yes. Here's, this is the worst part. This is like, this is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. Yeah. It keeps me up at night today. I wrote a Bible verse on the back of it. I gave it to her and my friends found it before she got it

Starting point is 01:21:26 or she got it and gave it to my friends. It was like, look how weird this dude is. I walked into school the next day. My buddy was holding it and I was like, dude, I'll fight you. Teary-eyed. I was like, don't, don't show that to anyone. Oh, and he already had. Oh, of course.

Starting point is 01:21:42 Of course. Disaster, bro. A Bible verse. Which one was you remember? Yeah. It was, uh, fuck, so bad. It was like song of songs. It's like a love book.

Starting point is 01:21:53 Oh, yeah. The book of the Bible. It's about like people falling in love. Yeah. That dude, sixth grade. I was like, I love God. Yeah. I loved being Catholic in sixth grade.

Starting point is 01:22:03 God is my girlfriend, dude. That that guy, I remember that guy had a shirt or something. It took a lot for me to tell you that. Oh, dude, I'll tell you, I used to steal a fucking child's bike from my neighbor's yard and I would bike over to this girl's house. It was like four miles, right? In the middle of the night to go over there and like, just kind of suck on her breast for a while.

Starting point is 01:22:24 That's fucking great. Yeah, but then I had to bike all the way back, bro. It would take... I'll do that today, dude. The whole bike, four miles to suck tits. Crazy. My story, your story was awesome. My story was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.

Starting point is 01:22:40 You rode a bike to suck tits? Yeah. That shit's awesome. How old were you? Are you a young? That shit's awesome. Oh, no. Well, uh, I was probably, yes, 15, 15.

Starting point is 01:22:53 Bro, that's as good as it gets. Yeah. God, those tits were good back then. Yeah. They were all good at tits. Child tits? If you were a child. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 01:23:05 Bro, child on child tits? What was that, dude? Right when they got tits? You were like, dude, she's got the biggest tits in the class. She's a whore. Dude, that's a lot with the huge tits. No idea what being a whore was. You're like, just whoever has the biggest tits is a whore.

Starting point is 01:23:23 Oh, I remember I called my bus driver a dildo. I heard the term and I didn't know what it was. And I'm like, you're such a dildo. And then I had to go to the principal's office. And the principal beat us. That's back when they used to beat you. He could hit you. You know?

Starting point is 01:23:33 Oh, yeah. They probably kept that going in Louisiana for a while, right? I think they stretched it out. They went a little late. They got to like the Obama administration. Extra ending on that. But I remember going to the principal's office, man, and he would fricking rattle.

Starting point is 01:23:47 Oh, he rattled. He had that big. Yeah, he did paddles. Yeah. I remember the principal's had paddles. Yeah. It's what gave them a lot of their power, too. Yeah, now they're fucking, what are you going to do?

Starting point is 01:23:59 What are you going to do? Yeah, I'm Italian. They don't have any real power. They have nothing. That's awesome. I mean, I can see how that worked. Yeah. Having a fucking stick behind your desk,

Starting point is 01:24:10 threatening to hit a child. Did y'all have different clicks and stuff at y'all's school? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, regular clicks. Although it was a Catholic school, so you couldn't. We had a uniform. So it was hard to really express yourself. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:24 But the Goths found their way. Yeah. They hit you with like some eyeliner or something. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, everybody was wearing the same fucking thing. Oh. I actually liked it.

Starting point is 01:24:34 Yeah, I mean, I hated having a pep clothes. I've been in this jersey for three days. Yeah, I saw it. I did see it before. It was the first time I wore it last time. Oh, good. And I've never, I've wanted to wear a jersey for a long time. And you did.

Starting point is 01:24:46 And now I'm doing it. Yeah, I'm glad you did. Now I'm over doing it, though. Oh, dude, I'll tell you this. One night, so I talked about this girl I met at a coffee shop who I tried to, like, it got so embarrassing and I had ordered this omelet or whatever. And then I'd still sit there and eat it,

Starting point is 01:25:00 even though, like, I had, like, I tried to ask her out, but I think I didn't get the words right. And she said something and I couldn't even hear it. And then I got nervous and just walked away. And so then I'm just sitting there with this omelet. And I had, and I, and the way, just, just the pain of just sitting there eating the omelet. And it's just me and her.

Starting point is 01:25:16 I'm not hungry at all. You're just getting rid of it. The only reason I went there was to talk to her, and I couldn't do it all right. Anyway, the next time I go back in there, it was, like, three months later, after everybody had eaten the cinnamon cake. And she, she's like, oh, my gosh, people called here

Starting point is 01:25:34 and even called my boss. Oh, shit. And I was like, wow, that's crazy. That's awesome, though. Yeah. Like, they're like, you never should have divorced the Rat King. That's what they say. Like, divorced.

Starting point is 01:25:47 Yeah, it's crazy. That's pretty hype, dude, that's wild. Well, shit, man. I know you got a tour going on. Yeah. You know, I don't want to keep this thing alive any longer than it feels like. Bro, I feel so hot.

Starting point is 01:25:59 I feel bad, bro. I'm so hot, dick. Dude, congrats on all your success, man. And working people, if they haven't seen your tour, they want to come see you. Uh, ShaneMGillis.com. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:09 Excellent. Yeah, go check out Shane if you haven't seen him. You know, there's just nothing like him. I think there's nothing like watching somebody. Who's having so much fun. Thanks. And that's what I noticed when I'm watching you, man. And, uh, yeah, thanks for coming and hanging out, man.

Starting point is 01:26:24 I appreciate it. You're the man. Thanks. Getting, baby. And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past. And these wheels that I've been riding on, they want something that they're damn, they're gone.

Starting point is 01:27:42 And I guess now they just weren't built to last.

This Past Weekend - E391 Shane Gillis

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