This Past Weekend - E406 Nick Swardson

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Starting point is 00:00:42 That's right, that's two months free. Visit ShipStation.com, click the microphone at the top and type in code Theo. ShipStation makes ship happen. I'm gonna let you guys know I'll be coming to town with the return of the rat tour October 11th and 12th. In Wichita, Kansas, they still have tickets for the 11th at the Orpheum Theater.

Starting point is 00:01:04 October 13th, Omaha, Nebraska, that's sold out. And October 14th, Denver, Colorado. Those shows, I believe, are sold out. We're gonna add some new Omaha and Denver dates. They'll be, I think, either later this year in the spring. So if you weren't able to get tickets, we'll put some new ones up soon for the return of the rat tour.

Starting point is 00:01:28 Thank you guys for your support. You can get your tickets at TheoVon.com slash T-O-U-R. We have new, be good to yourself teas in new summertime colorways like banana, salmon. Check those out and more at TheoVonStore.com. Today's guest is hitting the road with his new make joke from face tour. He's been here before.

Starting point is 00:01:53 He's based, he was from Minnesota. He's that cold baby. And he's been on Reno 911, Grandma's Boy. And he's led a real interest in life of debauchery and hilarity. I'm excited to have him back. My friend, comedian Nick Swardson. -♪ Shine that light on me, I'll sit and tell you our stories. -♪

Starting point is 00:02:28 -♪ Shine on me, and I will find a song I've been singing... -♪ Almost there. -♪ I'll show you the real boost I'll and we'll stand firm. -♪ Alright, what's up, dude? What up, Nick? We'll call the effin' cops, dude. What's up, man? What's going on? Dude, I haven't had a drink in two months,

Starting point is 00:02:59 so I've got that sober energy. Is that true? Yeah, I'm fuckin' sober ky. Wow. Yeah. So two months, no alcohol. I just stopped it at that which is rare, but so you had a drink within the past two months Yeah, but it was one so I don't count that What what count what counts to you as drinking 40 drinks? Wow? Yeah, have you ever had that?

Starting point is 00:03:20 I have I remember one time I did I did a show in Miami, and I don't know if you've ever done this But I had a lot of Miami dude Well, you've been to Miami, but I had one show it was like a college gig mm-hmm, and I fucking stayed for a month I just stayed at a hotel for a month and my opener Patrick Keen super funny and after like two weeks He's like what what are we doing, and I'm like Miami, bro, and he goes yeah, that's great I've got to go home like I like another job and like a like a life. Yeah, and I'm like oh, yeah, right Okay, and then I got him a plane ticket home, and I stayed another two weeks this drinking just drinking It's chilling and I remember the hotel bartender. I'm not bragging about this

Starting point is 00:04:02 But kind of the hotel bartender goes I'm mr. Swartz, and I'm like yeah, and he goes You just drank a whole bottle of gray goose today, and I go okay, and he goes yeah, how you feeling? And I'm like I'm good dude. I'm like I got another cocktail, and he's like Yeah, all right Just ripped Miami up dude Gray good you if you drink a whole bottle of gray goose you you've become an endangered species I think at that point yeah, I think I started to get feathers on my jennies fucking yeah, it's just got real I was waking up in an egg. I'd like come out and shit. It was crazy

Starting point is 00:04:39 You've never done that I've done that many times, so I've done a gig, and it's always fucking Florida Yeah, it's like when I told you this when you told me that yeah, yeah I went to Key West for supposed to be ten days during the pandemic Yeah, and I was there a year and a half and you ran up I heard that you ran up a bill at a hotel there that was like astronomical It was insane. I stayed at a resort on the beach for a year and a half and it cost I heard a million dollars I don't think it was a million, but it was it was a lot of money if you tip that did you tip I always tip I'm really good at tipping. I think it's important. What do you think it was when you say a lot of money?

Starting point is 00:05:11 How much was it? I mean it was definitely Probably half a meal for sure, but it was I feel like I feel like it was more than that it might have been I kind of don't want to know because I just went into the ether of just The woo and then just listen to live music and shit, but um, but how so because I remember a time I came in match. I was in some city. You were performing there I was performing there and I came and saw you and you were day drinking at a hotel like yeah And not like at a pool party. It was like a doll like it was like kind of like a dimly list like a bar in Star Wars or something Yeah, there's creatures or their people there. I

Starting point is 00:05:50 I didn't see any bartender. I do remember a hand would come up every now and then It would just conjure up a beverage. Oh my god, so witch magic. Yeah, you're like the hand like from Adam's family Just come in and fucking Dude, I heard that hand molested like a bunch of kids dude stay away from hands. It's just a hand. It's up to no good But yeah, I remember going to meet you at a you're like, yeah come over or party never we're hanging out And I got there. I don't either and I think it was football season and it didn't have any TVs in it And I was like this is what really that's weird That was because I remember being like oh that cuz I know you're a vikings fan

Starting point is 00:06:31 I was like that's weird, but and there were like cavernous things lit. There was like a lot like torches. I was like Oh my god, who's that with Frankenstein? What the fuck man? What is wrong with me? I felt like is this probably a geologist thing and had a very Indiana Jones meets like um, I mean I do sober living Right, okay. That's interesting. I do hunt for treasure when I'm on tour I do try to find treasures, so I do end up with some sketchy snake spider bars. Did you all so you quit? You had to quit drinking. I had to take a time out. Yeah, but um, yeah I like picking shoes like I've got to the point where like Labor Day weekend like holiday weekend I'm gonna drink. Okay, you know what I mean? But then I won't go like bonkers because I'm going on tour this fall starting after Labor Day

Starting point is 00:07:18 And I remember I'm gonna not drink as much as I used to because it got so I would just get caught up with fans and going out And then there was one time couple times. There's one time. I sincerely did this I walked out on stage in Louisville, Kentucky and this is genuine. I walked out and I go dude Not only is this my first time in Louisville. This is my first time ever performing in Louisville and this guy goes Not you were here last tour and I'm like Yeah, I know but not this theater and the guy goes. Yeah, it was this theater and I'm like It's great to be back in Louisville good to see everybody again But it's because the time before that I don't drink bourbon and I went out and people took me into this ripping bourbon

Starting point is 00:08:03 And that was just one of those alcohols where that's just the switch. Yeah, it's just bye. Oh, yeah Next you knew you're trying to fucking just suck off your knees. Yeah, man You're trying to fucking blow your knees and a possum that starts fisting you and you're like fucking game on Yeah, so I mean and then Chicago is one of my favorites I love Chicago yeah, and I went out until six in the morning on Division Street and I was in such a blackout, but I do remember like windows, you know, like when you remember just little vignettes. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, it's a little commercials. Yeah, so one of my little commercials was I went to McDonald's at six in the morning And I peed my pants and I was so hammered and I peed and then I ordered a shitload of food

Starting point is 00:08:47 Like way too much on this tray and then I turned around and slipped in my own pee and then threw all the food all over the place I wiped out panicked and ran out and then I had to find my hotel I just got in and I don't know what was going on and then I woke up did soundcheck and my two manager was like What does that smell and I go? Oh god? Yeah, I peed myself and he was like what the fuck It's a big bladder dude. That's a fucking yeah, Nick bladder. I can't believe you dude I saw a guy pee actually in a like this is insane. I remembered this man This was growing up dude. We had like two. I don't know if we had two homeless guys bus But we had like one gay guy and everybody like that guy's homeless, you know, because you didn't have a wife and kids

Starting point is 00:09:28 And he was like Immediately equated him to homeless. I mean, it was like, you know, that was the times, you know in 1940 I'm just saying like look at this homeless guy, you know, like he's perfectly dressed He's like what no, I just don't like women No, you're a degenerate homeless person like he get off the street, you know, he's like I own this shop right here We saw flowers Homeless Whatever that's hilarious, but I remember

Starting point is 00:10:02 This other dude had pee remember they had those McDonald's have those trays, you know, bring up a McDonald's tray. Can we? You know what I'm talking about I know what you're talking about. There's a tray Yeah, this is the brown one they said the brown one. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah So this guy had peed and would just get a perfect like What? It was a trap because whoever came in the second you touched it the piss would come off. Oh, I like that fuck What'd I think of that? So but obviously so it sound like I mean you've obviously had some issues with drinking, you know

Starting point is 00:10:41 Yeah, I've gone up and down with it. I mean, that's there's no secret there. Yeah, how bad did it get like? What was one of the times where you're like damn this is? Because it's just a sneaky thing. I mean half our audience I think probably doesn't you know or struggles with all kind of shit Yeah, for sure. I mean, it's interesting I've always tried to find a balance because I never thought I was like a raging Alcoholic like when I would drink I would drink, but I never craved it You know what? I mean, it wasn't one of those things where like I'd gone to AA meetings and stuff and I would hear stories And they go to an AA meeting just to hear some shit get real as a fuck

Starting point is 00:11:15 I mean, there were people that a would do like 8 to 10 meetings a day, which is fine This isn't me judging anybody But like there was there are people that couldn't walk past a bar There were people that couldn't even look at an empty Like people tell stories about being at a wedding and they couldn't even look at an empty champagne glass Without having like a full panic attack. Yeah, so I mean I was never at that point I would just like get into a you know if I had time off. I'm like, well, I'm just gonna get drunk Because it's fun as shit

Starting point is 00:11:44 Like there's a there's also a contingent of people that drink that do enjoy it like I didn't start fights I wouldn't be rude there wouldn't be like that when you meet somebody to get drunk all of a sudden the racist now Oh, God, like that type of shit. I just always had fun. Yeah, so that was kind of the catch 22 It's like be it when you're like that you just you just have fun with it Yeah, and shit and fart Yeah, that's true, man. I guess there is I guess if you're if you're having to make sure you have fun It's tough to like, you know curtail it back, you know, yeah, the late Norm McDonald It was one of my best friends. He he had so many great drinking jokes, but one of them he goes

Starting point is 00:12:22 And I'm loosely paraphrasing but he goes out. Yeah, man My uncle's an alcoholic and my mom was like, yeah, your uncle's he's got a disease alcoholism It's a disease and then I'm goes as far as diseases go. That's a that's a pretty good one It's like, hey, I'll go Rick. What happened last night? Well, I went out in that my disease kicked in Ended up laughing all night and then had sex with a stranger Love that take on it Yeah, that is a good take man Yeah, I think if you can have if I think part of the alcoholism is that you don't have you get so down about whatever you do

Starting point is 00:13:02 You know, it's like yeah, just being like, oh, I had a great time They're like, you know, you start like going through all the things in your head of like all this and this and now it makes me feel You're just too like sensitive almost, you know, yeah sensitivity to not just the alcohol But to whatever you of being out of control, I think yeah, totally And if you when you get to a point of like drinking and driving it's fucking horrible Like I don't even know how people get DUIs them with like Uber and Lyft and shit What's the furthest you ever drink and drove to be in from Minnesota? It's probably I drove to Hawaii from LA

Starting point is 00:13:35 I didn't woke up in my car with a fucking bunch of dolphins. I don't know what happened man The fur I mean nothing like of length. I mean, I have friends who have been blacked out We would do last call in LA and they would drive to Vegas After last call. So that's just so you know, that's like four hours, but that's drugs too, probably I know this my friends Those guys that's a funny thing though. Do you have like friends that casually do cocaine? I have friends that are like nine to fivers on the weekends. They fucking get all zippied and then and then they're Monday They're like, what's up Jerry? Yeah, how's the counting or whatever people, you know, that have jobs Yeah, I think I think I do probably know some people like that, you know

Starting point is 00:14:22 That always fascinated me. Are they lying? But also, I mean, I don't know I can't do that shit, but I mean Yeah, that's just insane that you said you like go to a place and just stay there it's interesting I know, but it's like fun. Yeah, it's like I'm not you know, it's just I don't know why not Oh, it's cool I'm a lot of times I feel bad that I have to leave certain places like I want to get to know this place a little bit better This town or see what's going on, you know, so when you tour we both toured forever It was and you just you live in Nashville now. Yeah, and I was living in Key West So if you could settle down in a town who weren't living you stayed at a hotel. Yeah, but I mean for a year and a half

Starting point is 00:15:04 Okay, I mean, that's a lot. That's a residence. Oh, did you start to know like I knew everybody it got fucking crazy It was like Mayberry on mushrooms, dude When people every day would you go to the to the hotel room next door like hey, I'm Nick. I'm your neighbor Yeah, I knew the mailman even though he didn't bring me mail. He would just bring me coupons and I felt like I was involved I knew everybody. Wow. It was fun as shit, man. That is nice. Key West yet. I remember one time I was just in such a good mood and I had some cash for me somebody owed me money and they drove down from Minnesota to give me money that they owed me But it was cash. It's like 10 grand in cash

Starting point is 00:15:45 So then I just was a cash happy. You know what I mean? Oh, I was tipping fucking everybody Yeah, like my friends that play at the at the bars down there I would request a song and I'd be like hey play this and they'd be like no We're not playing country road by John Denver again, and I'm like I know but and I just keep giving you three of these Let's fucking come on. What'd be doing take me home country fucking road man, but I gave there was like some Um, like kind of homeless not teenagers, but just younger people kind of like, you know, just oh, yeah I know you're talking. Yeah, like kind of kids or some punk dudes, you know probably in their 20s Like what do you mean like art students or something? I would I would I'll say that

Starting point is 00:16:25 But I don't know but they were just kind of like they were just chill like they were beach homeless Like they were just like people like kids that spray like dude. We had this kid I'm sure they've drawn something with this kid named Todd that drank a fucking can of spray paint, dude, which is so hard to do He drank like a cocktail. He drank it. He just was like sprayed it straight into his fucking throat Oh, so he um, what's that called like huffing or something? Just having I don't know what I say drink it. Yeah, just having paint. I mean cuz yeah, it wasn't gas only he got paint God, I know pretty fucking cool. That was back when people didn't give a fuck, you know, that's really not giving a fuck Yeah, I mean did he was at least a throat color so it didn't oh, he was all he'd never he would never really hands him

Starting point is 00:17:05 Anyway out of the gate, but I think that's part of this thing. He's like I'll just Paint my fucking grill That is awful you see somebody riding that can row it fucking makes you hard Why would it make you because you know what somebody's going through when you're fucking right there with them So how long did you guys date? It's just that's no contact homosexuality, right? That's just admiring just admiration. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a word Is this guy still with us like out of respect? I'm gonna stand here and get hard for you Right. That's it. Oh my god. Is he I'm not sure I don't know what happened to that kid

Starting point is 00:17:43 He was always he was all you know, he he took a thing again. He did a hit of gasoline one time He's just fucking did he not know about vodka. Did anybody tell him like hey? What was his name Todd? Todd To DD. Yeah, not TAH. That's a classic Todd move by the way Some names you just affiliate with shit like that. You're like Todd Yeah, and all of his teeth didn't kind of fit in his mouth. Something was I don't even know what he was You know, he was so he's like I'm gonna make him blue No, he just got on that can baby. All right, but I'm saying people have used all kind of drugs over the years

Starting point is 00:18:18 Oh, dude, there was one fucking. Oh wait, so the the punk dudes by the beach So they were always like so cool, you know, they're like what up? Hey, and so one day. I'm like just I got a buzz. Yeah, and I gave him like Four or five hundred bucks. Mmm. I'm like, hey guys You know what go have fun, huh? Go. Yeah, but I was so dumb. I'm your mom some sandals Yeah, I want to go buy your mom some sandals and maybe throw it throw dad a dream catcher. Yeah, let's fucking go I just want some sandies get some food. No, they didn't do it. So then the police that became friends of mine They rolled up my friend Dave. He's like Nick. Did you give him some homeless youth?

Starting point is 00:19:01 Um a bunch of money and I go, yeah, man, they're really cool. They're really fun I gave him like yeah a couple hundred bucks and the guys like yeah, don't do that any more and I go why he goes We just arrested all of them. They just went on a crazy like bender drug bender and just ran around naked I think and like broke into a lighthouse. I don't know what the fuck they did But I got like reprimanded and I was like right so they didn't spend it up. They didn't give it to the church Yeah, she gets rogue dude. Well, I got that tattoo right there rogue. Did that say it? Yeah, dude Did that literally show your tattoo? It looks like a place where you go and pick out a font for like a wedding thing or something like that Yeah, I was gonna marry that paint huffer. We gotta get it. I was gonna get a close up

Starting point is 00:19:48 Bro, you're all hell Vedic up by your elbow dude. That's you Yeah Jesus damn it. You do jiu-jitsu dude. You just lost to the fucking the lightest black dude I've ever seen The robot from short circuit. This is his dick. Holy shit, man. What's going on? The Weight is almost over. That's right a new football season begins this week Get ready for NFL week one action with draft Kings sports book an official sports betting partner of the NFL To celebrate the return of football draft Kings is giving new customers a can't miss offer Bet just five dollars on any football game and get two hundred dollars in free bets

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Starting point is 00:22:23 ThEO that's B-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p dot-com slash Theo fucking Steven seagull dude dude flock of seagulls We were talking about Steve. We had dinner with our friend David Spade last night We did man. What an adorable lawn gnome that guy is. Yeah, you know, there's just something You just want to fucking just you just want to pick him up and just throw him into a ceiling fan You know what I mean? Just happy and then

Starting point is 00:22:54 And he's out no we love David and we were talking about him and David are developing a movie together Yeah, we wrote a movie you wrote a movie, but you're developing it. Yeah developing it sounds like we're just thinking about it and smoking weed No, it doesn't it sounds like you're developing something really when you're developing like a development like a building You're developing it. So you're not like just sitting there like a building would look cooler. Okay. Yeah, it's in it's coming into fruition Okay, all right. That's fair. Yeah, because I read the script. It's really funny. It's like Joe dirt meets dumb and dumber with you and David Yeah, it's good and it's a bottle. It's like a love story But it's not an annoying love story. No, it's a it's like a buddy story Yeah, it's like a buddy story and then he's trying to get love, you know, and what do you think about that process like writing a script?

Starting point is 00:23:37 Because it's such a different muscle. I've been a writer since I was 24 I wrote Malibu's most wanted bench warmers grandma's boy and it's really interesting Don't you think because it's fucking hard as shit You really need discipline and it's hard to like because you get the thing about is like you get married to jokes and bits in a movie But you also need story. So you got it. It's a compromise I'm writing a movie right now with the director of grandma's boy Nick Goosen and it's still hard because you want to keep funny shit But you also like this doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I mean that there's like it's hard First of all, it just takes a lot of time. It's like I have to like settle my brain from like stand-up or from like

Starting point is 00:24:17 AA or from like Well, you have tons of shipping your podcast You it's you have so many things right you and you have to have enough like energy and creativity to sit there and work You know, just you just go back and forth you put it in you're like, okay, this kind of works This works and then you get the whole thing done and you're like, okay We have too many jokes. We don't have enough reason why this guy wants this Yeah, and you have to have a reason in us in a movie, you know Yeah

Starting point is 00:24:43 You've got it like because the thing with dumb and dumber which is one of my favorite movies and the thing that makes it work And I was telling spade this last night because I read the script. It's really funny But I'm like you need a little bit of like motive and heart a little bit more because dumb and dumber There's a scene Corazon What Corazon was that mean Spanish heart heart. Oh heart in Spanish. I like that. Thank you. Yeah But there's a scene in dumb and dumber where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are arguing about Something in the apartment and about going to find the girl and Jeff Daniels goes I'm sick and tired of blah blah blah blah blah and Jim Carrey goes, you know, what I'm sick and tired of what is it?

Starting point is 00:25:22 He goes, I'm sick and tired of being a nobody I'm sick and tired of icky my way through life and it's really sincere and really dead serious And most of all I'm sick and tired of having nobody doesn't that guy say that yeah I'm yeah I think that's that too and then you just go. Oh these guys aren't stupid. They're real people Then like they have feelings and like and then you go with them on that journey because you root for them Right, and that's such an important scene that people don't realize makes that movie. Okay, when you really care about them Yeah, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, we'll be right back with more from fucking carrot top

Starting point is 00:25:57 Yeah, more from white carrot top more from white operas I Yeah, it's been interesting man and David has so many jokes so he'd love the joke So he's like we'll get together and we'll write it like Well, I'll leave there with like 70 more jokes in no more storyline Yeah, that's the trick did you got because I've worked with David a billion times. It's so funny always Wants the joke, but you've got to get the story down and then put the jokes around Oh, fuck the robot a check me

Starting point is 00:26:24 But just so you know that's an insight into screenwriting and comedy writing insight We didn't fucking tell these people anything. Yeah, I did Fuck Was it Zach? Okay, tell us what you learn then fucking mullet out of your ears Fuckin we gorney weaver dude. I will fucking do a line and fuck your cousin dog Cousins have monkey pox. Well bring it on dude. Yeah, didn't you think that was a cereal when it first came out? I'm like a lot of people are calling it zoo aids. A lot of gays are calling it a zoo. Wait, is that true? Yeah, fuck. Yeah, I'll adopt that term. Yeah, that's funny zoo aids

Starting point is 00:27:03 Oh my god, who wants a freaking dude who wants some fucking zoo aids who wants to huff with me Dude was Anyway, speaking of zoo aids go Vikings This is a shirt company Minnesota on a stick because everything goes on a stick there. What did you guys just got? Do you guys have? Herschel Walker. No, do you guys still have? Uh, what is that guy who they caught putting that stuff in his trunk that one time here at top put stuff in his trunk Brad, what's his name? Yeah, it's quarterback

Starting point is 00:27:38 Brad oh Brad Johnson. Yeah. Yeah. No, we don't still have him. Hmm. No, he works at fucking PF Chang's now Or does it really? I think so. I've got it. That's a roof. You at PF Chang's Working it was dark in there. He could have been Literally popped out of the wall with a freaking ponzu sauce. Fuck. Yeah, he did Yeah, I remember there was some actor that got shit on in the like TMZ or something about having a waiter job in LA And everybody would like got really pissed off because it was like do I shitting on somebody for just grinding sometimes shit dries up This guy needs a job. Yeah, I respect that By the way, I love PF Chang's when you're on the road

Starting point is 00:28:17 Is there like a go-to restaurant when you're touring for me if I can find a PF Chang's I'm not sponsored by them yet But let's change that PF Yeah, so I mean, you know, I like you fuck with cheesecake factory. No, I don't do anything like that, dude I like to eat a Jimmy John. Yeah, I like Jimmy John's like to have a nap and then I Spinach and maybe chicken. Okay. I keep it pretty the same thing every time almost. All right It's pretty boring some numbers and I'll stop at some diners But a lot of a lot of diners have changed over the years. They're not the same like you go in now

Starting point is 00:28:53 And it's like a Greek diner where they have like breakfast lunch tire care. Yeah, you know gene jackets Yeah, it's just like yeah, like unlimited denim for dessert. Like this is A fucking velour buffet. I can't digest They still have crystal Pepsi Yeah, my cousin has everything my cousin has two pockets and a zipper stuck in his throat It's like we can't even go out as a family. He just get they put they do operations. You get a zipper mouth That's fucking nuts, man. Hey, good morning. You know you too much man unzipping your kid's face Yeah, you get an old wham t-shirt for dessert. Yeah, it's like they've just everything's like

Starting point is 00:29:35 It's like, I don't know. It's all like It's hard to find some of the good mom and pop places like these to have they've all changed a lot of them are now like a Greek and Lebanese Which is fine, but there's just not just a breakfast diner. It's not like two eggs and a sausage, you know It's like right now. There's like somebody in that play in a sitar in the corner. Yeah, and there's a casting spells You know what's going on? Yeah, they're selling like one of their daughters in the bathroom issue. They're trading her up for cash Yeah, you start crying spiders. Yeah, like what the fuck is going on man, dude? Stop the music Jesus, I just wanted a hash brown. I just wanted one hash brown

Starting point is 00:30:11 You order a hash brown and some dude named a black dude named hash comes out there and you're like, what is everything's just changed, you know Yeah, it's different man. It's just a different world. Yeah, I do like mom and pop That's why I like bars like that too, you know what I mean? That was kind of annoying thing about the pandemic was that all the chain restaurants stayed open But all like the indie restaurants and mom and pop places took a hit We should have bailed them out all the dye bars and stuff, you know, it's like that's what's important. I think Fuck if I can rally thinking about bailouts, man. I was just seeing that. What do you think about the um? Christian bailout Christian bailout. I don't know. I don't know why they came to my head. Oh, you mean Henry affordable

Starting point is 00:30:51 you mean Who was the guy that played Indiana Jones Carson Ford? Carson Ford. Who is that? Harrison Ford Yeah, Harrison Harrison Harrison Ford That sounds isn't it like a auto dealership what so I don't know man. I don't know what you freaked me out, okay? Yeah, I did you you fucking drank at a bar for a year and a half in Key West. You hung out with people that drank I'm spray paint. Yeah, one kid. Okay, that's enough. I didn't hang out with him. I grew up with millions of people

Starting point is 00:31:24 None of them drank spray paint. That's just insane But I mean bless him. It doesn't sound that bad. You've had moonshine, right? You had to have had moonshine You had to have had moonshine. I've had at least half moonshine or crescent moon I don't know if I've had a full fucking thing that makes your eyes. No, I'm not I'm not a fucking werewolf, dude Yeah, I'm not gonna drink a full moonshine. Oh, they have that stuff will make you wake up inside of your cousin, dude You'll have a family reunion and a uterus You'll wake up with a fucking four tires on your body, you know On bricks and a lawn

Starting point is 00:32:00 Good lord dog living in your butt. Yeah, you're fucking brick Moranis Get me out of here. What am I doing? That's not an airbag. That's a fucking condom Fucking jizz. Yeah. Good God No, thank you dude speaking of um Oh, what I'm a football though. Isn't it weird with guaranteed money like you're in Chris Cousin Kirk Chris Kirk Cousins is guaranteed 80 fucking million dollars. Don't you think that's weird. Well, like why would you even want to do good? Oh, I think if you want you get that money, it's hard to want to do good That's what I'm saying. I think because then all you want to do is stay alive

Starting point is 00:32:42 Yeah, like as long as I'm alive these years then I'm safe. I get the money Yeah, I get the lunches and the dinners. Mm-hmm. Yeah, because otherwise you're just You're like damn, I'd you know, I didn't stay alive or I got hurt or whatever. You're not gonna risk it all No, you're not gonna do anything But you're just not you know if you throw an interception you're like up. Well, that happened. Yeah, you should lose money for interceptions Should lose money should lose a million dollars you throwing interception. Are you gonna throw a fucking interception after that? Nope You're not but you're not gonna throw a pass out of that. You're gonna call run every single play Yeah, that's fine. That's true. It's bad if you don't have a running back and you just hand it off and then just

Starting point is 00:33:26 Throw it down. What position and what sport could you have honestly played man? And when you really look back at your life? you know and What sport did you do you think legitimately in position you had a chance to play? the closest Probably defensive lineman Yep When I was three Mm-hmm. I was

Starting point is 00:33:53 Top of my game Yep and then Downhill, huh? But yeah, I could still probably play for the Vikings. No, I mean, I was a I was an athlete up until Kid everybody started growing 11. Yeah, so like around I was like pretty solid at baseball. I played soccer tennis Um basketball and then everybody started growing and then I was fucking where's that weed out? No sports

Starting point is 00:34:24 Yeah, there was always a kid who like they didn't want to please like oh instead of just They didn't want to admit they didn't want to play sports like oh, so I have to have something to do to offset that You know, so I'll do weed, you know, right? But you get to a point when everybody starts growing Like in middle school, then I was just like oh, I can't I thought I was great. I did but I was really late I was like the runt of the litter. You know what I mean like a Charlotte's wet Ricky. Yeah I was like Charlotte's web, dude. Was it who was like was that the pig? Yeah, a little Randall or whatever's name was What was it you bring up picture of that thing? Was it Rick Santorum? What was his name? I don't know Dude, did you see the thing about wait, what sports did you play you were an athlete?

Starting point is 00:35:05 I play basketball. Oh, you did play basketball. Yeah, do you still play I was good I could dunk at one time man, which is kind of crazy not not like really good. You could dunk a donut. Oh, yeah And I turn into a werewolf You could dunk that I mean that's like every guy's dream or girl. Sorry, but I mean that's like to dunk is like the I can't even imagine that that's very few girls dreams, okay I know, but I'm just trying to be inclusive because I'm fucking a good guy, man Did you see no, but no the dunking remember when they had the hoops that you could adjust and like bring down Oh, yeah, seven feet and then every kid white you mean. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Yeah, everybody was excited

Starting point is 00:35:51 Somebody invented that the whites hoop or whatever. Yeah, like they keep making more sports to try and make sports for white people You notice that it's like look at this beach dunking or whatever and it's like fucking four and a half foot goals You know, do they really? Oh, yeah, or it's like look at this there. I saw the other day. There's like a paddle ball It's like a Pickleball pickleball hot pickleball. Yeah, pickleball is fun as shit pickleball is fun as shit But it's definitely like hey, let's go over here and do something white Before other people get over here and do it better than us. I can see that I feel like it's a little old It's old white. Oh, like I don't want to run that much. It's like lazy. Oh, I mean, it's still really fun

Starting point is 00:36:34 I like pickleball, but it's the people I play with are young Are they really? I mean, yeah, there's I've played with 16 year olds. Where is this? Tennessee Venice Tennessee Venice Tennessee Yeah, I played in Venice. I mean, yeah, anybody can play it. I don't know. Yeah, so don't just say it's for old people What I'm saying. Well, I already did so fucking cancel me. I don't know what the fuck's going on anymore But yeah, I mean, I don't know it's a fun sport though. Yeah, it's fun

Starting point is 00:37:06 There's a sport. I saw the other day where they are there's What's the thing where you hit the ball around and it spins around the post it was like a game back You come her ball. No Um, tetherball tetherball. There is team tether ping pong now Look it up. That just sounds like somebody was on acid and made a sport Oh, I'm telling you. This is the kind of stuff that's going on in it What is it team tether ping pong? Can we look it up? Dude? What about extreme erect chess if you played that? fucking

Starting point is 00:37:40 Naked erect you jump out of a plane. You got a fucking plate chess. That's huge right now in Dubuque Here we go right here Team is UFC guys and then there's like handball ping pong. Is that kind of what you're talking about right here? No, this isn't it. This is what is that? I mean look just come out of the closet if this is a thing I'll tell you about this. Just play with a scrotum instead of a ball Yeah, I'll tell you your fucking chest dude. Do the gayest thing I ever saw in my life, right? Or rumored to be gay was David spade eating was uh, I remember

Starting point is 00:38:16 There was um, I was at a Hampton Inn, right? Oh, I go outside It was one of the when they done the upgrades in like 2005 or seven which they were all late on those upgrades those hotels Yeah, I thought they did it. I for me. They seem to roll it out. Well, but I remember that um, I Went and there was three men in the hot tub playing frisbee together And it was like they were this far from each other. Oh my god And it was just and I don't know if they were gay men or not, but it was like I Felt like it was like they were it was like a little Bermuda triangle where if you got in there You're going down. Yeah

Starting point is 00:39:01 Yeah, there's cuz that I mean to me that is a like that's like a thing of saying hey, we're gay without saying we're gay right if you're throwing a frisbee in a Hot tub, right? I mean if you're not you can it's a little what's weird gay or straight or anything It's a little weird. Were they white people? Yeah. Yeah, one of them look kind of Hispanic or something Right something was you know had happened to him. Yeah, but that's yeah, that's interesting But that's um, was it a cock ring? They were just passing it around and then playing horseshoes with their boners We throw it like ring toss and you got to fucking land it. So that would be gayer than that

Starting point is 00:39:45 Frisbee thing. That's true. What about um, what about us? Um, oh, what about the Did you see the thing? What was the thing with the bailout that just happened with the? You talking about student loans pretty much. Yes, like did you get student loans when you're growing up? No, I went to really graduate high school. Really? Yeah. I mean, I should have gotten a loan I think college, but I mean I just know of it My brother went to college and he was fucked by student loans like forever Yeah, I guess everybody is I don't really know they got this bail They have so they have his bailout program go up on it and it wasn't Christian going on

Starting point is 00:40:22 Well, it's basically just like the the aftermath now of Biden saying that he's forgiving You know the student loans 10 grand for everyone It's like now basically the question is becoming is it legal and people are gonna challenge it in court because they're saying You know, hey, if I paid off all my loans, what like what about me? Right any relief for me? Right. So yeah, do you think so because that's where people are upset. It's like some people are like, well, I Sent my kid to college. I saved money to send him to college or her to college and now I'm I've paid that money off, right? And so if someone didn't do that and they have debt and you're just That's where it's becoming an issue

Starting point is 00:41:02 Right. I mean, I can see that but it's also those are different situations. So I mean some people might be really there's got to be Extenduating circumstances and factors of why they couldn't pay it off. Oh Yeah, I think so, but some people are just saying like well, do I get? Do I get compensated for the money? Should there should there should there be like a legitimate claim? Yeah, that's what it seemed like would be the solution to me is you also offer So but then how far back does that go? You know, that's the thing is that brings up a bigger pitch You know, everybody can be upset about Stuff like that. I mean some guys a hundred and like I was the first guy at Yale

Starting point is 00:41:39 Yeah, and I paid off my ten dollar fee. I want ten grand Yeah, some guys like I was a slave and they're like you're white buddy. He was like, oh Fuck my bad Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know how to solve that. I think just don't go to college I don't know start a YouTube channel. I don't know Whatever, it's a new world now But I mean, yeah, I mean I can see that because student loans I don't even know. I don't even know if my brother's paid it off. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah, I pay

Starting point is 00:42:17 I mean, it took me probably. I mean, I just paid my off. I think about two years ago But it's a long deal for people so I can understand people wanting to but then at a certain point you're like, where does it end? It's tough. It's like Like I think of it like someday there's gonna be a thing where it's like there's gonna be a pill where it's like you can live forever, right? But they're right. Okay. Say there's a pill one day. You can live forever Okay, but they're gonna say they're gonna say hey It's for only 40 and under because they're whoever's the ruler at that point They're like, we don't need really need these old heads, you know, like you stop at a certain age

Starting point is 00:42:52 So you can't buy it after 60, right? And it's just gonna be that cutoff where it's like, oh fuck, you know, like sometimes you just have to There just has to be the thing where it's like, oh they get this break and I you know But we don't think about it like that. Nobody wants to think like, oh, I'm happy that these people get their debt reduced I paid mine, you know, nobody thinks like people are usually think. Oh, well, they got they get this I should also get this right, which makes sense It's just we don't really think the other way very often well No, and nobody really wants to be happy for anybody. Yeah, but it's I'm like that

Starting point is 00:43:27 But if I'm at the bar, I'm like, why do I have to pay my bar tab, right? Why can't they pay for it because I've spent a lot of money here and maybe I should get compensated. Yeah That's what I think Do about all the money I spent drinking deciding not to go to college. Yeah, all the money I could have saved and did say Do you regret not going to college? No, fuck no. Yeah, fuck that. I Mean, you know, it seems cool. What would you have been you think carpenter or something like a Oh, I would have gone to car carpentry college. I would have gone to Harvard and majored in carpentry with a minor and PF Chang's

Starting point is 00:44:09 Dude, I could see you being a chef somewhere you ever consider I would want to be a chef I would also like This was this is truly my backup plan. I want to be a teacher Oh, wow Because I just thought that would be cool and it's similar to stand up where like you have an audience But you also can like help them like do the right thing and be good people, you know I mean that would that was my thing is I just thought that would be fun You get summers off and shit. What grade would you teach you think I couldn't fucking do anything smart?

Starting point is 00:44:35 Six or under no, I mean, I'm fourth. I'm not a blob of clay Seven gets kind of hard. I don't know like nine maybe eight. What are they like going? I don't know And nothing like I couldn't fucking teach like trigonometry or some shit or Pickleball, but dude nine everybody's got cum in their bag and everything at school if what nine is shady, dude Every dude that's coming to your class stayed up all night fricking Spanking in his bed. Did you go to school at Alcatraz? Fuck I went to human high school, dude. I'm just where you went. You went to grade school on Epstein Island. I'm just telling you

Starting point is 00:45:20 Jesus people I didn't see it like that. It's not fun. I just thought when I was happiest, dude I grew up in the damn skeet belt bro. I'm just telling you no shit ninth grade is a real Skeeter's Tossing miracle whip and people's faces like a fucking silence of the lambs person This is God Geeters pair dude ninth grade you were just making I mean, what else were you doing? No, I said nine age nine not No, what the fuck no, I said nine years old like third grade. Oh dude. Oh not grade nine This got pretty sick

Starting point is 00:46:02 Yeah, no, that's not at all. No like fun happy children guide them to fucking be happy Have a nice life. I don't know. I just thought it would be fun to be a teacher Okay, cuz it's like doing stand-up you got like a crowd you got funny Like I always like the cool teachers and like the cool school bus drivers and the cool You know what I mean? I just thought that was fun and cool. What about spanking? They just did you ever get spanked before? Yeah, my dad used to fucking beat me really not like full-on But like you take a wooden spoon and shit and like you learn from that. I don't know dude They had a they just got in Missouri. Do you see this in Missouri school district re-instate spanking as

Starting point is 00:46:43 Punishment where's that at Zach? It's a school district Catsville Cats that sounds like a lot of rules don't apply there a lot of things are coming back in Catsville I don't think it's just spanking. I think there's some witchcraft. Can you zoom in on a little bit so I can see a little bit more Yeah, it's a town of 4,000 just Outside a Springfield near the Arkansas border, but yeah this so they I guess basically they realized that they was it was within the Code that they could do it and so I guess the teacher started doing it

Starting point is 00:47:17 They realized it was it within the code Yeah, man, we think guys. I want to read the Catskill code Sure, there's a lot of fucking topics on there. Let me go go back Zach So let's go back please But it is something that has happened on my Their code. They also have like if you if you get caught dancing you can get hit with a rock They're like I'm sure they have other shit. So it says down here It's allowed parents were recently notified of the policy in June and it's allowed only as a last resort and with written permission from parents

Starting point is 00:47:49 Oh, that's parent has to approve that the teacher. Okay. All right. At least there's some yeah I just hope Albert poo holes is in your frickin teeth. That's a thing. I remember. Did you ever get spanked? I'm not not in school. Really? No Did you at Alcatraz? Yeah, I spanked two times man. Whipped your fucking nutsack. Oh, dude We had one man this man spanky. What was his name spanky? No, this man named Lawton McKee bring up a picture of Lawton McKee We're the hell it we're gonna find a picture of Lawton McKee Well, it's kind of cool name though the web Lawton. Oh, so he's it's spelled like law

Starting point is 00:48:30 LAW. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was like LA U G H T O N Okay, what did he do see if you can see a picture of him. I can't see shit I don't I don't he's a second row over there to white guy far to the right not right there. Yeah What's the deal with this guy? It's dude used to spank us man. That guy. He's on the internet Why? Look at my stupid Why he's a fucking legend, dude. That guy spanked you. I got beat me to he really beat me in the frickin decency

Starting point is 00:49:07 Oh my gosh, and they would also If he was bad, they spank you and he had one tooth that was rotten in his mouth look like a damn I looks like this look like a headlamp. It's like Ken's boyfriend from Barbie. Oh this Let me zoom in on a little oh That's not even him dude. Yeah, that guy's never spanked anybody that guy does own a leather swing set go over the top left Those people hugging That's him. What is that he had that one? Yeah He had a one large yellow grill piece in the front look like a one of those minors lights on one of those kids

Starting point is 00:49:44 They got trapped, you know, he just had a candy corn So he had that fucking yeah, that smile lamp, baby You know smile lamp he could trick-or-treat year round bro He really had that built in you know, you could go into the depths of the earth and trick-or-treat He could hunt octopus Middle-earth and try to find doorbells. Yeah, he had that little glow baby inside of his grill He had a glow worm grill Good gosh. Yeah, no, I never but he would spank us man, and he was here with what he would spank you and

Starting point is 00:50:21 He would even why are you looking at penis cuz I'm just trying to remember what he would do He would you know, he would have you hold on to the desk like that and he would spank your butt okay, and then they had another name Man named Bill Brady that used to spank me over at a different school Other schools joined in on hurting you. Oh, they all let you spank her that was a child man. Let you get spank They'll just hand you off. Well, you wasn't you were that school if you were bad you got fricking spanked That's back when there's a little bit of trust in the system, you know, okay? So that's what this place is saying that they're gonna go back to that as long as the parents give permission they give permission They're all gonna sign off on that by the way

Starting point is 00:51:01 Oh, that'd be like it heartbeat and then that'd be great if they had like a meter of how hard you can do it like a spice level Yeah, give him a set of restaurant. Yeah. Yeah, give him a debaum Give him a fucking splatter gore's Do you know why free trials renew without your consent it's a business scam out to get you. That's right Don't let greedy corporations pocket your money Download rocket money to take control of your subscriptions Rocket money they help you manage and cancel subscriptions. You don't need one or simply forgot about with just one tap You've heard me talk about my favorite app true bill before

Starting point is 00:51:39 Well, true bill is now backed by rocket companies and just change their name to rocket money Bottom line rocket money is everything I loved about true bill, but with a fresh new look and feel They're saving their members an average of $700 a year Start canceling your unused subscriptions and save money at rocket money Dot com slash Theo that's right That's rocket money dot com slash Theo or download the app from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store Yeah, did you ever get hit with a switch? That was one thing. I never we never did that. That's like very witchcraft, huh? I don't know, but that was one thing. I remember Adrienne Peterson running back

Starting point is 00:52:25 Got busted Switching as kid that ruined it for you guys hit as Jenny's Oh, really? Yeah, it was like bad, but I guess he was like that's how but I I'd heard of a switch But I never experienced it and black kid probably big Jenny's easy to accidentally hit It's a valid point. You know point healthy Jenny when you're swinging at triple the Jenny's on a kid. What do you know? It's not it's you know, yeah, you don't hate maker Jenny's dude. Oh, we do. What's the um? When do you lose your virginity man? Fuck 15 really? Yeah

Starting point is 00:53:02 It was pretty it was yeah, was it cool or not? It was alright. It was kind of confusing but exciting But also it was like it was on a church retreat. We all indoors or outdoors. It was outdoors. Yeah, yeah What about you? Mom was outdoors as well 17 you know, it's a solid age and It was outdoors behind a bowling alley actually that just got Cordon cordoned off or whatever it's called cordon blue

Starting point is 00:53:43 They stuffed it with bacon you think yeah, no they just shut it down the bowling alley or your penis The bowling alley or your penis the bowling alley. Okay. God shut my penis down years ago Did you're filming fucking small Lebowski filming smallville over there? Good on a church retreat. That's crazy dude. We were fucking I mean We were just shitty kids really what we're doing drugs and we would go on church retreats It was God out there or not God was not present He teased out on our trips. We were stealing everything where we're all Minnesota we would go out stealing cheese from each other. We would stop. Yeah, we'd say our cheese butt plugs

Starting point is 00:54:30 No, we would pull out like stop at a store and we would fucking just just loot I mean just covert But yeah, but we were high as fuck. I mean we were just crazy. Yeah Yeah, it's terrible and why was the church driving y'all around and I know we were going on like a retreat of whatever We were supposed to do. I don't remember. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty yeah, we went rogue But I mean, you know shit when you're a teenager you just there's no rules. You're just fucking bonkers I remember I got stealing I stole to impress this girl one time this girl showed up with tits and we'd never seen them Right, you know, we're like Jesus, you know, we're looking on maps. What is it? You know, she had damn tits on her brother

Starting point is 00:55:13 How big were they? Oh Big as you I mean you couldn't even see them all at once you had to kind of back up and get your buddy to look at the same Good God, baby. It was big So what you guys were in the circus? They were big now is a YMCA Okay summer camp And mr. Brad would come out there and he was losing his hair and he'd come out there

Starting point is 00:55:33 And make us do like trip like little tricks in the pool and shit, but I think he was probably something's wrong with him Yeah But uh, anyway, this girl came her name was Bridget. I think I think she actually died a couple years ago And I hate to say that but I do I do believe that and You believe it or it did happen It happened. I don't want to say I just don't want to say her life I don't want people going looking at her and commenting on her thing or whatever Her dead boobs

Starting point is 00:55:59 Yeah, dude, I mean, bro, they had a casket with two Easter baskets off to the side of it, baby Oh my god She had them fucking lurkers, baby They were just trying to turn into the blob and like trying to get off of her body Oh, bro They were just I'm on the porch. I'm gonna ring them more bells, baby You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:56:18 I like that She had them freaking big speakers in 22s on her baby Those are those are the first cowbells Oh, yeah, she had those She had uttered She had some fucking buff udders Couple buff haze, baby What I'm saying, boy

Starting point is 00:56:33 They got an open buff udders Oh, dude It's a fucking strip club I'll just put one of those nipples in my damn butthole, brother She really had those things Yeah Um What was that?

Starting point is 00:56:43 Oh, we got but I we me and my buddy got busted stealing somewhere trying to impress her What did you steal? I stole this hat It was like the dumbest hat It was like it was like a sock hat and you put it on And it was just like this tall sock coming off your head Was it for her tits? It was just to be cool, you know

Starting point is 00:57:01 We sold her from like a Claire's boutique Yeah And I remember she saw us getting cuffed me and this other kid Oh, you got full on busted Yeah They cuffed you so you had to wait until they called the cops Security could cuff you Did you point at her tits and go this made me do it?

Starting point is 00:57:18 No, but I would have gotten you off for sure You're like, was anybody working with you? You're like, yeah There's two accomplices right there Punchin' Judy She had them frickin' Wow, boys, she had them frickin' them cowboys, you know Like in moon balloons

Starting point is 00:57:39 Oh, she fuckin' Goddamn Damn, brother Man You got but, is that still on your record? Can you go to Canada? I can go to Canada, I just don't think I can go to like the mall in Slidell, Louisiana We used to go camp out, dude

Starting point is 00:57:56 I doubt that's open We'd be so excited to go to the mall, we'd go over there and camp out We'd get a tent, we'd go to the mall at the day and we'd camp out at night And then go again the next day Did you think there was going to be a line to get in? Were you paranoid about that? No, it was just far to get over there And so it was like, you know, we drove probably 18 miles to get over there

Starting point is 00:58:14 So we didn't want to, you know, drive back and drive back Right, so what would you do immediately when the mall opened? Just go in there Just go in there and just run around naked No, just be by the AC, be by the fountain, make wishes, go to the shoe shop, go to the, you know, poster store They had a big poster store in there, I remember I know No one posters were big

Starting point is 00:58:36 Fuck yeah, I do What'd you get? I was like obsessed with just, I'm such a sports freak, so my whole wall was athletes Like Steve Sets or like old Minnesota Vikings It would be Vikings, and then some athletes I just thought were cool Like everybody had a Bo Jackson poster, you know what I mean? Yeah It was just, it was fucking Bo Jackson, dude

Starting point is 00:58:57 Oh god Dude, I had, you know, all those dudes, Yui Blab, you know what I mean? Could you be black, you think? Could I be black? Like, could you handle it? I don't, I don't know, I don't know if I could handle it I, um... You couldn't

Starting point is 00:59:16 Probably not, but I did grow up, I grew up in the inner city So I was like, hip to rap music and all that shit and playing hoop and shit And I remember I had, I was 12 years old, 12 or 13 And I had a short dogs in the house poster The album was one of my favorite albums, too short became a buddy of mine And, but I had that poster over my bed and my mom was like Oh, look at that, they're dogs, that's fun It was all these dogs, like just fucking chillin' like Oaktown

Starting point is 00:59:49 And she just had no idea And then there was another rapper named Paris And I had a poster of him and said the devil made me do it Bring him up, Paris, see what it is But I thought it was badass And he's black or white He was black But my mom was like, oh, Paris

Starting point is 01:00:04 Dude, remember, this was before they had any Mexican people, remember that? Before, I think they had Mexican people You know what I'm saying, it used to be like, do you remember growing up there wasn't a lot of Mexican people around? Like not in Louisiana, not in Minnesota I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know Name seven Mexicans from your childhood Gary Yeah, there you go

Starting point is 01:00:25 And Gary is a fake Mexican I grew up with Salvador Okay, that's one guy, dude And he's probably from, I'm just gonna guess El Salvador I never asked him about that, I think, but I just didn't want to know Yeah, I'm not saying anything about him just saying it's just interesting how things change over time Yeah, I know what you're saying But it was funny

Starting point is 01:00:42 You see him, Paris? Did we see him? Yeah Oh, you did? I didn't get a good look, I'm sorry Oh, there he is, huh? But yeah, posters are the shit, dude Like growing up with posters, it was a big deal Oh, posters were so good Remember when you got a poster and you put it up?

Starting point is 01:00:54 Did you put up the pens in it? You put the little yellow tack stuff behind it and tack it directly to the wall, like a poor person I did, I think, I don't know if we had stickums back then, that tape that had, was sticky on both sides Oh, we didn't have that Yeah I think that was one summer where we were affluent Yeah And then it was fucking tic-tac

Starting point is 01:01:15 Downhill? Yeah It's funny, because I still did that My place now, I'm 45 years old And I got, I found this poster, it was an old James Bond poster vintage It was really cool And I put up my living room And I hammered it and I didn't frame it or anything

Starting point is 01:01:32 And my roommate was like, bro, what are you doing? And I'm like, putting up this poster And he goes, when are you gonna frame? I'm just like hammering it I'm like, still that I just, I don't know I know Literally, so I still do this shit

Starting point is 01:01:48 My buddy, Jason, it's open for me Uh-huh And he goes, we did the gig and I go, okay, I'll send you a check And he goes, what do you mean? And I go, I'll mail you a check for the gig to pay you And he goes, it's Venmo-y Yeah And I'm like, all right, all right

Starting point is 01:02:05 But I was still gonna like go through like finding an envelope Oh, I remember there was something with you One time I had to send you some money and you were like, yeah, just mail me a check I'm like Yeah, that's right How do I even do that? Yeah, it's so stupid Yesterday, I remember looking for stamps

Starting point is 01:02:23 Looking for stamps What am I fucking Opie from Andy Griffith's show Dude, I picked up a pencil the other day and it blew my mind Right It blew, I picked up a pencil And I was like, no way It's like going back in time

Starting point is 01:02:43 Yeah, they're little time machines Yeah Dude, imagine when they had a feather with fucking ink That's how they signed half of our documents And our history was just fucking And then dip it in some witch blood and then sign it Somebody's like, oh, look what I got you for Christmas A package of pens and it's just like

Starting point is 01:03:04 Oh, do I eat this chicken? No, you're right with it And then fuck it Yeah, that's how they grew up I'm not wrong on that Yes, sex, dinner, and then literacy And then we draw a picture Of a butthole

Starting point is 01:03:23 Yeah, that's how people rolled Dude, did you know that no two buttholes are the same? I did not know that, thank God That'd be weird if I was like, yeah, no, I know But isn't that really interesting? I don't know how that's possible Where was this? Did you learn that from Spade?

Starting point is 01:03:41 No, man, it's the fingerprint of the gods, baby, the B-holes, son How can they prove that? That back jaw Why are we pulling up a picture of it? We're not doing a picture because we'll get fined or whatever Who came to that conclusion? I knew this, it's funny, I knew this Yeah, of course you did

Starting point is 01:04:00 Let's get some intel Can you click on something with some decent information on it? I'm trying to find some signs here Okay Oh, by the way, back to hotels I don't know what we were talking about earlier This is a true story about travels And I remember one time I was going to Vegas

Starting point is 01:04:17 And I would go every year 4th of July Me and my buddies and we would get fireworks Because they were legal in Nevada So I was like, dude, we're always paying a lot of money to stay in Vegas Like get a nice room at Bellagio or something And then I'm like, dude, what are we doing? Why don't we stay at the travel lodge? It's like 50 bucks

Starting point is 01:04:37 And we're not even in the room, we're in Vegas So they're like, yeah So we drive to Vegas, get in the room, check in Where is it? How far from the strip is it? It's not far, 10 minutes maybe So far And so, if that, maybe 5 And then we get in the room and

Starting point is 01:04:54 My buddy goes to use a bathroom And I put my shit down And he goes, let's get the fuck out of here, man And I go, what do you mean, we just got here And he goes, nope, tell everybody we're leaving And I go, we just got here, bro, I'm tired And he goes, okay, go in the bathroom There's diarrhea on the wall

Starting point is 01:05:10 On the wall And was like a message or something? Oh, I wish, it was just confusing It was just like, splatter But it wasn't like, hey Bet, put all your money on red Or something that would have been a hot tip You know, the cults are gonna win the Super Bowl

Starting point is 01:05:28 Diarrhea No, it was just diarrhea And then I was like, oh, that's why you don't Get a cheap hotel room You know, I don't think all travel lodges are like that But that did happen, so hopefully they cleaned it But I was, then we went to the lodging And I spent like $1,000 for the room

Starting point is 01:05:46 Damn It would have been great if there was diarrhea on the wall In that room, too Dude, hi But with like a bunch of money, like against the wall With diarrhea And you had to like That would have been cool, though

Starting point is 01:05:58 Like take your chances, kind of Yeah, totally I'll tell you the craziest story that I ever heard Jesus This is the craziest story that I ever heard, right? So that happened to somebody while touring on comedy So there was a man, right? And he was a comedian

Starting point is 01:06:17 And he had another man who was an opener The opener, right? So after a show one night The headliner like this lady like This hot chick just be lines up to him Right? And it's like flirting with him at the bar In the lobby and blah, blah, blah

Starting point is 01:06:33 She's like all over him She's like, let's go back to my place And hang out, right? And he's like, he felt like it was almost like a little too aggressive Like this sounds feels weird Right So she's like, let's go back to my place And he's like, no, no, you know

Starting point is 01:06:49 Let's just go back to my hotel It's not far from here So they go to his hotel They start making out in his hotel room And she's like, let's get out of here I got some drugs and stuff back at my place Let's go And it was like 40 minutes away where her place was

Starting point is 01:07:05 So he's like, oh, no, I'm not going to do that It's already like 2 a.m. or whatever I'm not doing that So she like gets violent Throws a book at him in the hotel room Like it was a Bible or a phone book You know, the two books they have So then he kicks her out of the room

Starting point is 01:07:20 When she's leaving, she stops at the openers room Right? Because she knew where he was What room he was staying in Right She gets the opener up They leave and go out to her house Right?

Starting point is 01:07:31 Wherever it is Take a taxi out there She and him start making out in some room She's like, let me put some handcuffs on you So she handcuffs him to the bed They took some drugs or something that they had at the house She starts giving him a blowjob And then she passes out, right?

Starting point is 01:07:51 So he's like chained to the bed trying to wake this gal up You know, this blowjob and gal Right You know, who's on, you know, break or whatever You know, he's trying to wake her up Some headlights come across the window, right? Right And like go across the wall

Starting point is 01:08:08 Like somebody pulled into the driveway outside So now the dude is like, what the fuck, bro? Like, what is going on? And he hears a door open to the house So he's in there chained up The girl's just like asleep in his lap A guy, an adult man walks by Walks by the front of, walks by the room

Starting point is 01:08:28 The room door's open the hallway Walks right by, kind of peeks in a little bit Goes in the kitchen, starts making some food, right? The dude's chained to this bed, bro Oh my God He's got to have a blowjob He's still trying to wake the girl to get a quick rest of a blowjob Or to get out of there, right?

Starting point is 01:08:47 So the guy sits in there He hears the man sitting in there watching television and eating Oh my God The dude comes back in a little while later Picks the girl up, takes her out of the room Carries her out of the room, right? Then comes back into the room With the dude and asked him what was going on, right?

Starting point is 01:09:11 The kid tried to tell him, this is what happened, this is what happened And the guy finished blowjob in the dude That's amazing Let him go, right? And told him if he ever came back on his property or whatever He was going to fucking kill him Or if he ever caught him with his daughter or something again, he was going to kill him Right, it's a happy story

Starting point is 01:09:34 So then anyway, the kid gets to a pay phone or whatever And calls back to the hotel And the other convict who kicked the girl out Got an attack or whatever and came and got him Jesus That's the craziest story I ever heard, that's crazy That's pretty crazy, wait I got to pee so bad You do go pee somewhere, pee outside or pee in the bathroom

Starting point is 01:09:55 Yeah, that's pretty insane So there was a similar thing my manager told me about his neighbor And they were like in their late 60s, maybe 70 And him and his wife, the neighbor and her husband were really kinky And she got into like a leather swing to get fucked or whatever And he had a heart attack while she was in the swing And she couldn't get out, he had a heart attack And then she started screaming

Starting point is 01:10:24 And then my manager at the time, he went over to the high herder And went in and saw her in the swing And they had sex? And I go, did you fuck her? And he was like, no I'm like, bullshit And he goes, no I had to revive the guy And he didn't die, but

Starting point is 01:10:42 I'm like, you fucked it But I just thought that was funny too She was just sitting there like fucking Brian Callan You know what I mean, just waiting to get drilled by fucking shop Just sitting there fucking shop, thief for Sutherland That's what I call him Dang bro No, I'm kidding

Starting point is 01:11:02 There was a bit about shop, I guess people say he stole some fajita joke from me Did he? I don't care, it was just funny I know Brandon, I don't care if he did But I doubt it, I mean he's had fajitas Yeah, a lot of people have had fajitas, yeah But I haven't seen, I don't know if I've even seen I haven't seen that joke, it doesn't come to mind

Starting point is 01:11:22 No, I mean who fucking cares No, but it is getting funny So watch out when you get in your leather swing Yeah Don't fucking yell for help, man, just die I remember one night some girl wanted to have sex and we were so high on cocaine I just laid there like a fucking owl And it was just so weird

Starting point is 01:11:41 Just spinning your head around Oh, yeah Yeah, I can't, dude, cocaine sucks I remember every time I would do it, panic attack Yeah Because I like going to sleep, I like passing out I don't want to fucking be up more If you need a fucking zip to go like a couple more hours drinking, I guess

Starting point is 01:12:03 But I remember, I realized why I liked cocaine was because, or why I like it I mean, you know, I'll always love it You know, it'll always be my second or fourth or third love Third is a little dangerous, but okay Because it's faster than beer, I don't want to like It's faster than everything Mander around about how I feel, you know It's like when people are like, hey, man, we should drive to Saturn

Starting point is 01:12:31 Yeah, like, I'm gonna fly Yeah I'll see you there, you know what I'm saying? But it's like, I want the thing, whatever the feeling I want, I want it now I don't want to, you know, I don't want to meander around the lit, you know It's too risky out there just milling around having a beer Yeah I want, yeah, you know

Starting point is 01:12:54 Yeah, you want to just get there I want the police in my fucking nut sack immediately Oh, wow, alright You know But yeah, you want to, it's like a flight, you want to get there Yeah, I want to get there You want a half hour flight, you don't want six hours You want to fucking be, you want to fucking build a stadium or something

Starting point is 01:13:11 Yeah, that's why I realized I was just like, it was just faster and more effective Everything else about it, I hated panic attacks, you know Not being able to look at people, you know Fucking sweating, driving and doing cocaine in your car when you were young Right You know, all that kind of shit Fucking some dude tried to trap me in a bathroom one time And was, I think, trying to be sexy or something

Starting point is 01:13:38 And I remember that I would think so I would think that would be his motive But it was like drug-induced, you know Because there's a lot of drug-induced homosexuality that happens, you know People get high and then they get, there's more tendency for gay They go dick diving Yeah, don't they?

Starting point is 01:13:54 Yep I mean, it seems like it's more of a popular thing in the world Or you can at least blame it on that, you know what I mean? So you can be like, dude, I drank a gallon of Molly and fucked your whole university at that party Yeah, yeah, yeah Professors, everything, the mascot Nobody was safe for me Fuckin' bone

Starting point is 01:14:17 Do you, um... Yes What was the story you were telling me that you were going to tell me about? The craziest drunk story? Did you tell me it? That was the one about the leather swing set Oh, yeah Remember the leather sling or whatever it is

Starting point is 01:14:30 I mean, it's not up there with cock ring, frisbee, hot tub Well, that I just... That's so funny It's so weird Good God But yeah, I mean, anyway, I'm excited to go on tour and experience stuff Yeah, so tell me about some of the tour So are you going to be sober on the whole tour or no?

Starting point is 01:14:47 I don't know, I'm going to try I'll probably cave a couple, there's certain cities that are... You know, when you look at a tour and you're like, oh This town is going to be tricky To like, if I, I mean To not drink in Chicago's hard, but I'm only there for one day, so that helps But to not drink in, like, Nashville That's going to be tricky

Starting point is 01:15:08 There's certain cities where San Diego Tricky, Vegas, obviously But... That's a lot, and how many cities are you going to? I'm doing like 30 right now Okay NickSwardson.net for tickets Are you touring this year anymore or no?

Starting point is 01:15:22 Yeah, I've got some shows coming up Where are you going? San Diego, Denver Somewhere else Denver's great, the altitude though, god damn dude I get fucked on the altitude every time If you're going to a place with altitude Drink water, like, I know it sounds like

Starting point is 01:15:39 Stupid or whatever Drink a lot of water before you go and when you're there Yeah Because it's, I got, I just did six shows in Denver They were amazing, I love Denver But dude, I got sick as shit I was throwing up in the green room Every day before the show

Starting point is 01:15:55 And green to it Yeah Yeah, the only reason I asked you about the drinking stuff is just because I'm always curious about that kind of stuff I'm curious about like, you know, the effect it has on people How do people manage it? Because our lifestyles are also different lifestyles You know

Starting point is 01:16:09 Way different It's different than a normal lifestyle You know, like we usually get into this business because Like, you know, we have different ways that we Feel okay in the world And you know, there's a lot of people in our industry that like You know, battle with substance and stuff is very normal Yeah, totally

Starting point is 01:16:27 Comedians It's very normal I just want you to know why I ask about that kind of stuff Of course No, it's a valid question And I've dealt with so much shit in the past Like I said, you know, I almost died And I didn't know this

Starting point is 01:16:38 For people that don't know I almost died I was in the hospital in Denver And I was there for three and a half weeks And there's people that have quadruple bypass surgeries That are in and out in four days And I was there for three and a half weeks And the doctor told me I had a 10% chance of living

Starting point is 01:16:54 And then when I got out and I got better They had lied to me I was supposed to be dead My family flew in to say goodbye to me No And they told me that you have a 10% chance And then my sister was like, yeah, they lied That you were supposed to die

Starting point is 01:17:09 So that's a trip, dude When you experience something like that And then you come back to life, essentially It just changes your whole fucking ST Mindset, dude Because you're just like Oh, I'm like now living on borrowed time That's how I see it

Starting point is 01:17:24 So how long once that happened Because you got taken Were you out of place and collapsed? Like, what happened? I flew into Denver I got sick at my hotel in Minneapolis And then I was like, whatever I'm used to that

Starting point is 01:17:36 I was throwing up like bile Then I got on the plane, drank on the plane Threw up into my carrion So then I got off the plane I'm like, shit So then I hadn't eaten or anything So I ate like Were you drinking?

Starting point is 01:17:48 I just kept drinking But I kept vomiting And it was more and more painful And I had a pain in my stump But I had a pain that was different It was like pain, like fire pain And I kept trying to drink through it And then I'm like

Starting point is 01:18:03 Oh, something's horribly wrong And I went to the medic at the airport And they're like, oh, you need an ambulance There's a medic at the airport? Well, yeah, they have somebody You know what I mean? I'm like, hey, something's wrong Wait, was it that express spa or whatever?

Starting point is 01:18:17 No, it wasn't like a massage chair I didn't sit there and like No, I grabbed a human at a ticket counter And I'm like, hey, something's wrong And the guy looked at me And he goes, oh, you need an ambulance They called me an ambulance And I went to the fucking medic

Starting point is 01:18:31 You got an ambulance out of the airport? Yeah Where does it pick up at departures or arrivals? I don't remember But I think it was departures Because they thought I was going to heaven Oh, damn Yeah, Jesus was my pilot

Starting point is 01:18:45 And it was like And did you have a beer at the airport? I was drinking vodka And I just kept going and throwing it up And I'm like, okay, this is I can't get through this I drank a Gatorade, threw it up I had like a banana

Starting point is 01:18:57 So you were picking up bile What's after bile? More bile And then blood Yeah, and then blood So then it was blood at the hospital It was fucking gnarly, dude It was like, it was

Starting point is 01:19:12 I'll never forget Then I don't even remember a whole week They were telling me about what I was doing And the nurse was like, yeah You were like throwing haymakers Trying to throw it like You were watching wrestling on your computer? Yeah, it was crazy

Starting point is 01:19:26 But there's pictures of it There's pictures of me with like They had to like put mittens on my hands So you wouldn't drink? Yeah, no, so I wouldn't pull the IVs out Really? Yeah, it was fucking bonkers So you went, I mean, you went crazy

Starting point is 01:19:38 Yeah, essentially like I totally lost my shit And the altitude was a big factor in that What? Fuck, no, I wasn't Dude, I love how you tell these crazies Or you're like, I drank 70 drinks I was like, you know, you're like But there were some Raiders fans there And that's kind of the thing

Starting point is 01:19:54 That made things strange, man Yeah, no, I drank a gallon of house paint But, you know, there was a drizzle There was a drizzle outside Yeah, it was cloudy I didn't plan on that happening But do you think you could I mean, at that point you get cirrhosis

Starting point is 01:20:12 Bad things happen to your body Yeah, I mean, I came really close But I didn't, I mean, I'm fine now I mean, obviously Did they say you can drink again or you can't drink again? Well, it was, the doctor goes If you have another drink, you're gonna die So I was like, well, that doesn't make sense

Starting point is 01:20:28 But I'm like, okay So then I rehabbed And then got, you know, better And then got really healthy And then I went and got a checkup three months after And the doctor was like, oh yeah A different doctor back in LA And he's like, yeah, you're fine, everything's fine

Starting point is 01:20:44 And he goes, yeah, it's all, yeah, everything's back Your liver's back, I mean, I was like, really Your liver's back? Well, your liver can rebound Yeah I mean, you can get to a point where it can't Where I've had a handful of friends where that's happened to But I mean, you can push it

Starting point is 01:21:00 And then you've got to really dry out So I did, it was vitamins And fucking milk, everything Just built back up And then I still waited another six months And then COVID hit and quarantine, I went to Key West And I'm like, you know what, I'm just gonna It doesn't make sense, so I had a cocktail

Starting point is 01:21:16 And then I was fine, and then I drank again Yeah, I just wish you'd be okay Which sounds dumb, I'm sure people are like, you're a fucking idiot But I didn't drink, like I was drinking Very rogue I mean, I was just boom Shots and just completely stupid Wow

Starting point is 01:21:32 But now I can have a cocktail, I can do stuff like that But you do have to be really careful Do you think you can have a cocktail? Yeah, I did, I told you I had a cocktail when I wrapped this movie Buddy games part two, hard hour Yeah So we celebrated and had a cocktail and it was fine

Starting point is 01:21:48 So yeah, it is interesting You know, with the levels of You know, what people can do Because some people can't, they have one drink And then they wake up in a fucking prison I don't know, but that sounds Most of your stories sound like that, you know I know

Starting point is 01:22:04 But I don't know, somehow I've made it Not kind of But yeah, I mean, you're like Yeah, you're like the ghost of Fudrucker's past I am, dude You keep going I'm the ghost of future chilies

Starting point is 01:22:20 Dude What food, what chain restaurant Is the one that's Time to fucking shut it down, dude I don't know I haven't eaten anywhere in a while Long John Silver's Didn't they peace out for a while

Starting point is 01:22:38 And then they kind of made a mini comeback And then people were like, no, I still have blood in my stomach They merged, I think Yeah, I think they merged with Boot Barn or something Something crazy, Boot Barn I don't know, I mean Some places, I don't want to say Because I don't want to get mad at me

Starting point is 01:22:54 They're good, they're still going, I don't see a partnership I'd love to see LDS vs LJS, bro Long John Silver's vs Long Latter-day Saints Oh, the Church of Latter-day Saints That would be a battle That would be a battle I'd love to see more battles like that

Starting point is 01:23:12 You know, things are getting weird out there They had, um What was the thing with the The drivers, or the Oh, yeah, the Kia boys This is crazy What is that? Okay, so Thefts of Kia's in Hyundai's

Starting point is 01:23:28 Are soaring like 800% Because there's a TikTok trend And there are no videos of it, obviously But there is a TikTok trend Where you can basically hotwire a Kia With just, like, touching the USB port Or touching it with, like, an aux cable For your car, you know

Starting point is 01:23:44 And then kids are sharing how to do it With the hashtag KiaBoys So it's just like, I mean, everyone with Kia or Hyundai You gotta lock yourself up right now Good God Yeah, my friend got a Kia stolen That's funny, not funny, but like Oh, you can jumpstart with an earring, dude

Starting point is 01:24:00 Yeah, it's like a huge design flaw You just make contact with something in there Here, I'll show you, there's screen grabs Oh, that's a nightmare There's screen grabs of it here, because they Disabled the videos, but you just touch Something in there, and then it goes And they haven't fixed it yet

Starting point is 01:24:16 It's unbelievable, man If you're out there, don't fucking do that Good God, why, like, you know Why make people's lives worse Stealing somebody's fucking car They probably have a family, you know what I mean Kia Sophia Dude, Kia Sophia is also a black girl

Starting point is 01:24:32 Kia Sophia Bayhem was a black girl that I went to school with Is that true? Yeah, so they should easily pay her for this, right? Yeah, they've got it, they owe her money now Yeah, that's crazy, also I don't know, I've never owned a Kia You ever borrow your parents' car without them knowing? I've stolen my parents' car, yeah

Starting point is 01:24:50 I crashed my dad's car I've crashed both my parents' cars Why, what happened? I got drunk and went to buy drugs I got drunk and went to buy drugs at night When I was in high school Now what kind of drug you talking about weed, huh? Yeah, now when we're going for weed

Starting point is 01:25:06 We're getting some fucking weed Oh, so exciting, man My friend Chris, I knocked on his window late at night He'd be like, once I'm done He'd give me like 20 bucks worth I remember I was Loved weed so much I sold my dad's penny collection

Starting point is 01:25:24 I went and cashed in his pennies Yeah, those books and pennies Oh, the Midwestern things that your parents have Yeah, it's not even enough to buy weed I think I bought like a half of a seed Bring those up, bring up the penny collector books My grandmother had these, oh there they are Yeah, so when I was a kid, he had a ton of them too

Starting point is 01:25:42 With an Indian head or whatever Yeah I think the rare ones I was able to cash in for more money I doubt that Oh, so sad It's a fucking asshole I know, we've all done this

Starting point is 01:25:58 You're a kid, don't be an asshole I was like, I think back on my god This was worth 895 bucks right here We've all done this, Nick And what'd you do, you borrowed the car and what? I would drive to go buy the weed But my mom's I got too high and then went off a ditch

Starting point is 01:26:14 And then my dad's I turned into a telephone pole Because in the Midwest there's ice Ice When it snows after it snows and then I hit an ice patch, went And then into a telephone pole And these guys were chasing me, I think they were like kind of thug dudes

Starting point is 01:26:30 And I thought they were going to kill me And I crashed my car and then they pulled over And they're like, are you alright? And I'm like, no, it's my dad's car, I'm going to fucking die And they're like, alright And just drove away Like we stopped to help But, yeah

Starting point is 01:26:46 No, they were like, we're going to fuck this dude up We're going to fuck him up way worse The fucking father Fury Just Jenny's This haymaker to the Jan Jan It's crazy now how with that car theft People could, when a burglar

Starting point is 01:27:02 Learn something, they can now put that out It's like, here's a way where you can It's like Why would you pay it forward? Right, but I understand you wouldn't It's weird, it's dumb, it's not helpful to society But this is the kind of thing That people are just thinking like

Starting point is 01:27:18 This is how you can do it This is how you can steal a car Yeah, it's crazy Are you on TikTok? Yeah What do you do? We're on there We just share stuff, experiences and moments from the show Okay But they had another, it's just

Starting point is 01:27:34 Interesting how there's like this vigilante There's like vigilante Social media For like, if you're doing something bad Or something good, they had another story with Bring up the story with the lady that Followed, you know what I'm talking about Zach? Yeah

Starting point is 01:27:52 This was on Reddit That's got a ton of views But basically this business owner She was robbed and found The person who did it and found him on the bus And followed them home This video is one minute long So just give it a watch

Starting point is 01:28:08 Yeah, business owner follows thief on the bus Follow her home, confronts her ass Follow her home So what did she steal? Watch this She left and got on the bus Which my employee notified me about So I drove to meet the bus Guys, okay, so this raggedy ass bitch

Starting point is 01:28:24 Just came into her audit And stole from my store That's it Stole from my store Okay, stop, don't touch me And we're gonna follow her to her house Because she says she's gonna pay for it there Right?

Starting point is 01:28:40 Oh my god So enjoy the ride And we'll let you know where she lives Let's play a game called Look in the Thieves first Let's see what she has Oh, she also took a skirt, Justin Did you see that?

Starting point is 01:28:56 That's the girl right there Yeah, she stole clothes If you look at me like I'm crazy And you stole from me Imagine the shock on a thief's face And they got it Okay It's Chinese

Starting point is 01:29:12 Wow That's incredible Good lord It's interesting that Like We're becoming our own police It's like the police they're almost Like the secondary part of

Starting point is 01:29:28 The policing Well, yeah, it's just people taking into Their own hands and using social media to call People out and go like fuck this Yeah, but it's like that for every It's like just this, there's like this It's like that for everything, it's like that on both sides It's like that on if you're the criminal

Starting point is 01:29:44 Or if you're the victim You know, it's just interesting how there's like Social media provides this Vigilante sort of Comeuppance Yes, comeuppance access What word am I thinking of, Zach, am I making any sense? Comeuppance

Starting point is 01:30:00 Justice, we're talking about, you know Right, it's justice and injustice But it's either way, it's like Well, that's a catch-22 of social media And that's like the extreme dichotomy of how it's like It can be the best tool ever Or it can be a very negative tool You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:30:16 We'll be right back with more From... But yeah White Oprah's, dude White Oprah's would be the best band name That'd be a sweet trilogy movie The Black Steadmans What else, anything else in the news, Zach?

Starting point is 01:30:32 I just wanted to see if there was anything else we wanted to chat about I'm excited for your tour You're going to 30 cities You look honestly better than I've seen You look great for hanging out last night, man I just feel like your energy's good I'm just happy for you, you know Thanks, man. No, it's great and it's like, it's fun

Starting point is 01:30:48 I got everything out of my system I mean, the thing about COVID Is that I just kind of evaluated my life And like, I'm like 45 years old Where am I gonna... What's my next chapter? You know what I mean? I've done a lot But I want to just do

Starting point is 01:31:04 Something where I don't know, I just came to terms with a lot of Shit and a lot of baggage and why I was drinking So much and like why, you know So I drank in Key West and then just came back Full throttle Where I was like, okay I went home and I looked around my place

Starting point is 01:31:20 And I'm like, why do I have all these shoes? Why do I have all these clothes? I sold my Rolex I sold my diamond chains I sold everything, I sold half my shirts Almost all my shoes I'm like, this just minimalized my life Where I'm just like, I just want to You don't need that much, so I gave it away

Starting point is 01:31:36 I didn't, you know, I just was like here You know, have this I gave it to, you know, groups that You know, the Goodwill type places Rolex you gave to them? You sold it Fuck, no, I sold that, bro We probably had to pay that fucking hotel bill I bought a fucking crossbow

Starting point is 01:31:52 No, I didn't But yeah, I just sold all that stuff because I'm like, what am I doing? I only, I've got a couple of Viking shirts And then I have a fur coat and a speedo Because I feel like those can do both weathers Yeah Yeah Did you see Aaron Rodgers on

Starting point is 01:32:10 No, what did he do? I was just interested They talked about What did he say? They talked about it I can't wait to just feel the fury of football season My first show is Pittsburgh Opening Day

Starting point is 01:32:26 I'm excited in September Your first show is on Opening Day of Football Yeah, in Pittsburgh, which I'm so stoked because I've only been to Pittsburgh a couple times It's your Sunday So I'm fired up about that, it's going to be fucking bonkers It's such a great football town I love good football town

Starting point is 01:32:42 Shinley Park, dude Shinley Park, the fricking Dine Time I love Pittsburgh, dude Yeah, but what is that, Sandwich Place? Premonade Brothers? There's all kind of good stuff over there It's a great place, thick lady out I saw a thick chick one time

Starting point is 01:32:58 Catching a bus in a Jerry Olshansky Jersey Bring up Jerry Olshansky Bring him up This is the kind of woman you want over there I go to Premonade Brothers last time I was there And I was like, hey can I Hold the cheese And I had them hold a bunch of stuff on it and they looked at me

Starting point is 01:33:14 They were excited that I was there and then they were like Disappointed that I So I'm allergic, I can't have dairy Olshansky? Yeah, Olshansky What's his name? It's Dairy or Jerry I'm allergic to dairy, I just said that

Starting point is 01:33:30 For the stillers Pittsburgh Steelers Is that Olshansky right there? Old jerseys are always great too Jerry Olshansky? Yeah, there you go Linebacker They pronounce it different, that's Polish

Starting point is 01:33:56 Yeah Beautiful Yeah, so I'm excited, I'm excited for football It's weird when there's no football Yeah You're a Saints fan They played some story games over the years Yeah, we've had great

Starting point is 01:34:12 Great games Yeah, and then the next season We won with Kyle Rudolph In the end zone We got that last minute, last second catch I don't remember if I remember that one Yeah, that was a year, I think it was a year after Yeah

Starting point is 01:34:28 We still don't have a fucking Super Bowl What are the Saints at? They have one or two? We have one, you don't have one yet? No You don't have a Super Bowl yet? You guys won against Brett Farr when you got the Bounty Gate shit I think you guys won that year But all of that, you guys have been there since the beginning

Starting point is 01:34:44 Weren't you in the second Super Bowl? We were in four Super Bowls in a row We lost You lost all of them? Yeah, we don't have a Super Bowl It's insane It's awful The Bills just lost their punter, you see that guy? He got accused of rape

Starting point is 01:35:00 Yeah, I saw that Yeah, it's crazy There's teams that I root for If the Bills won, I'd be happy Oh yeah, I really like the Bills We've gone through Hell in High Water Buffalo I was heartbroken

Starting point is 01:35:16 The tight end Dawson knocks his brother past away Yeah, that's awful Did they figure out how he died? I don't know Yeah, that's terrible I don't know if they did I think he did if he said that he died in his sleep Yeah, man, that just broke my heart

Starting point is 01:35:32 Yeah, that's terrible, and then you have to go out and play I know Did you see those games where they're like, yeah, his mom just died last night and he's got a pitch or something? Yeah Did you see the Mantaiteo documentary? No, I think you're the one that told me about it Yeah It's unbelievable

Starting point is 01:35:50 I want to see it because I remember when it happened Well, yeah, there's a guy He grew up playing football and there's a guy who turns into a woman and she's the one who was pretending to be this

Starting point is 01:36:06 girlfriend the whole time She So it's a guy, it's a trans or cross dresser or trans They didn't really go into it Okay So the person who was faking him pretending to be a girl was actually a guy

Starting point is 01:36:22 Is that illegal? He turned into a girl Okay, so the guy became a girl Yeah The guy became a girl and just catfished him for a long time and he just had really he seemed like he just had kind of very simple Christian beliefs not simple but like

Starting point is 01:36:38 basic philosophies of faith and like obviously some gullible but I've been catfished before, it's very spooky but I mean the story is unbelievable and then they kind of like championed the girl

Starting point is 01:36:54 She was like coming into her own It doesn't even like but it ruined this but it definitely marred this guy's like There's a documentary about it that the guy's now faking has to deal with He dropped to the third round of the NFL Draft and he was a Heisman candidate, remember?

Starting point is 01:37:10 Yeah, I remember that And at the end they're like showing the girl dancing but at least it's like this is how I learned to come into my own and it's like Yeah, but it's like It's crazy that Netflix kind of championed her

Starting point is 01:37:26 Yeah, I mean, come on, that's not cool but then Teo said he's very much about forgiveness It was fascinating It was just like, man, I'd have been way more Teo There would have been genital warfare

Starting point is 01:37:42 She pretended also then to be the brother of the girl he was dating or communicating with and then she's like she called as her own brother and said that the girl was dead a few weeks later and said

Starting point is 01:37:58 She's back? Yeah, she's back What? So now he's into zombies or what is going on? Scooby-Doo, bro, the whole thing Dude, booby-doo Oh, it was like Yeah, that's weird, I'll check it out Have you ever been catfished?

Starting point is 01:38:14 Buy a catfish Fucking It was hot, it was hot fish, big mouth I was like, game on and it turned out it was a salmon I'm like, this motherfucker Salmon can't be choosers, dude Exactly, man

Starting point is 01:38:30 Salmon! No, I haven't, I'm not a big internet person, I just think it's weird It happens for some people I got catfish before, man Yeah, of course you did You grew up in a fucking swamp on Alcatraz That's true

Starting point is 01:38:46 Was it fried catfish or breaded? It was blackened You know what I'm saying, brother I know what you're saying I think we all do Did it go the distance or what did you do? No, I ended up talking to the person on the phone

Starting point is 01:39:02 when I was about to go into a Panera bread and I stepped out and took the call and it was a man It was a black male and trying to pretend to be a woman and I'd been texting with this gal for a while and then it was like, wow

Starting point is 01:39:18 you know you still hit it off? No, I was nice for a little bit because I had a couple minutes to kill anyway and I had a couple minutes to kill anyway You go to Panera bread a lot I don't like it People always are like, let's meet at Panera

Starting point is 01:39:34 and I'm like, it's bread, dude It's basically like it's like a library for fat You know, it's like I don't want to go in there It's like, hey, want this apple? Want all this bread? Want some bread with your bread bread?

Starting point is 01:39:50 It's too much bread Hey, you want this bread hat and your fucking cousin's wearing a damn He has a pita, vast mate, you know, it's like Yeah, it's stupid, man I remember I got a bread turtleneck there and I was like, why did I buy this? I would just eat around the turtleneck

Starting point is 01:40:06 It was stupid, man It's a fucking band called bread I remember even heard them My nephew heard his back They put a fucking tight baguette around his neck and they felt like Jesus Yeah, my dad lost his leg and they gave him a fucking whole baguette

Starting point is 01:40:22 as a peg leg and then birds, you know, just kept eating his leg It was a nightmare, dude, we went through hell The whole thing's insane Yeah, no, it's scary They need to stop I don't know if we've covered everything Anything else you think we need to hit, Zach?

Starting point is 01:40:38 Any good news going on? I feel good We hit a lot of it There was a study that one in four Gen Zers plan on being an influencer Wow And shockingly enough in this study, the men

Starting point is 01:40:54 think they're more likely to be influencers than the women and they're relying on it more But do you see where the Well, first of all, you have to understand there's gonna be less Because of automation, there will probably be less jobs in the future I was talking about this with Joe Rogan

Starting point is 01:41:10 that they have At one point, it's gonna come to the fact that you're gonna have like everybody's gonna have like a gig economy or is gonna be an influencer You're gonna have like two Uber drivers holding each other at gunpoint to get the other person

Starting point is 01:41:26 to be their fare You know, it's like everybody's gonna be an Uber driver or everybody's gonna be an influencer It's like, watch me right now, you know Subscribe to my tits You know, like get in my We're literally gonna be fighting to have the other person be

Starting point is 01:41:42 the consumer I mean, we already are, but if more actual jobs go away you're gonna have people hold and subscribe to my pussy, you know Yeah, subscribe Subscribe to my butthole that's different

Starting point is 01:41:58 than everybody else But I mean, how many things can you influence It's such a broad term You're an influencer, so you're just gonna have billions of people just dancing and then, you know, I don't understand Well, that's a good point too, and also being an influencer

Starting point is 01:42:16 people are just on social media So I think that's all that this means I mean, is that in a way that's kind of all they're saying They could be kind of saying that Yeah, I mean, they're basically just saying that I guess when they're looking at their future I think these kids are realizing that they have to grow up

Starting point is 01:42:32 like monetizing themselves in apps, which is like fucked up, but Yeah, we still need fucking doctors and lawyers like go to school I mean, I just couldn't do it because I didn't have the money or the grades or the brain But if you're smart

Starting point is 01:42:48 get fucking go to college I'm not shitting on college at all I mean, if you utilize it and it's tricky for kids, it always has been about what do you want to do when you're 18 You're like, I don't fucking know, dude But I mean, hopefully you can find Hopefully college can, if you're open to it

Starting point is 01:43:04 on the path of like finding something that you want to do that college can facilitate I don't know College just seems fun because I love college sports watching hoop and football and like you see the games everybody's all fired up, my buddy went to

Starting point is 01:43:20 my brother went to Madison and he watched Madison like and they'll jump around like that would be fun just to go to college for that Oh yeah, I think that's one of the just only to go to football games I think over the years of traveling to do comedy is sometimes

Starting point is 01:43:36 being in a city or a town where there's a good college game on that next day and you stay an extra day and you go to I remember you applied to Cracker Barrel to go to college there Well I applied to their Technical Institute It's where they make a lot of It's where they make a lot of the condiments

Starting point is 01:43:52 Yeah But Isn't that crazy though I even noticed my little niece the other day got a separate channel like started her own like separate channel and it's just like this is just what

Starting point is 01:44:10 it's part of life it's like you have to have this other existence that means almost more than your actual existence What do you mean like meta version I mean it's Your existence of

Starting point is 01:44:26 online and your personality You can create a life or a life that people see they think you live You know what I mean It's like that's become it feels like if that many people are going to think

Starting point is 01:44:42 that they're going to be influencers then you're like that's going to be a big part of don't judge me as a person judge whatever this idea of me is that I'm presenting You know But people also thought like they formally crewed

Starting point is 01:44:58 for the rest of their lives so I mean shit goes in and out Let's see what happens did we cover a lot Yeah, we did bruh I think we did Nick Swartson

Starting point is 01:45:08 where can people jokes from my face tour Make joke from face Nick Swİrteson.net as my dates here we go here yeah, dude look at that and then its bleeding in the next year i'm adding more date

Starting point is 01:45:24 which I love Atlanta, Vegas, I'm announcing and then working on Kansas City, St. Louis, some other places. Man. It's super fun, man. It's a fun show. I love this act. I'm retiring a lot of little stories, and it's fun as shit, man, so. Yeah, you seem really motivated.

Starting point is 01:45:40 Yeah, fired up, man. Yeah, it's good shit. Yeah. So, and then I got three rated R comedies coming out. Reno 911 Christmas, The Binge 2, which is based on The Binge movie with Vince Vaughn, sequel, and then Buddy Games 2, which is Buddy Games that we did that did great over quarantine. So, and then I'm writing this movie with Goose and the director of Grandma's Boy, and then you're developing the movie with David.

Starting point is 01:46:05 So we got some shit in the fucking pipeline, dude. Trying to stay busy, trying to stay alive. Nick Schwartz, and I love you, man, and I'm happy for you, and I'm glad that you seem healthy. And yeah, I want to come see a show, dude. Come do a show anytime, man. Yeah. You can get a switch and just hammer each other, each other's gender.

Starting point is 01:46:23 Oh, dude. On stage. That's what I'm talking about, dude. Only one-of-a-kind B-hole right here. You can't beat him. Nick Schwartz, and thanks, dude. Yeah, bud. Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

Starting point is 01:46:39 I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take a little longer.

This Past Weekend - E406 Nick Swardson

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