This Past Weekend - E408 Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor. Catch him on tour the rest of the year https://www.bertbertbert.com  Bert Kreischer returns to This Past Weekend for the third time. He chats with Theo about life on the road, gym shower horror stories, his life-changing experience riding a horse and more. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit   https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 BlueChew: Try it at https://www.BlueChew.com  with promo codeTHEO Keeps: Visit https://www.Keeps.com/THEO to learn more BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/theo RocketMoney: Start canceling your unused subscriptions and save money at https://rocketmoney.com/theo ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And you can see new episodes of his Something's Burning cooking show on YouTube. I'm grateful to have him here today, one of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kreischer. Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story Shine on me I'm going to stay. So, like, I don't know the benefit.

You know, like Tim Dillon, what's he is, right? Maybe the best podcaster we have of our generation. You and Tim Dillon are probably the two best podcasters I know that I enjoy watching. I love Rogan. Rogan's obviously the king. I love, I love watching Rogan. But I love watching you and Tim the way you guys think. Now, price point wise, right?

Say there's, let's talk about these companies that come in. They go, we're doing it right we spent fifty thousand dollars on cameras we spent a hundred thousand dollars on microphones we got state-of-the-art board yeah and then you go what about just a laptop do you want those yeah so right right but but i do think that if you i do think here's what i learned from rogan if you invest a little more money in it, you care more. And if you care more, you get a better product. I think that that's probably true. And I think guests come and they see that you care more.

Yeah. It feels more eloquent. Yeah. Yeah, it's one of the reasons. Like, sometimes it's like I would like to get into, like, a nicer studio space. Like, our studio is great. Very good. But it's like.

But then also, you don't want to go too corporate of a studio where it feels like, where it doesn't feel like rogue, you know? Yeah. And you also don't want to do it out of your house, which I've been doing for the past fucking eight years. And so people are like, do you live here? And you're like, okay. Is that your daughter? Can I meet her? And you're like, Georgia, grab a towel.

Yeah. She's doing audio for us right now. Like I want to get bigger guests. You know who I want to get to get i'm being dead serious we talked about this a little bit and i think you're the only person who'll get this don't let me guess who it is oh if you guess it if you guess it i'll spend the rest of the show with my flip-flop in my mouth oh dude that's gonna mess up the chat but i'll try let me see it's uh can I ask for a clue or not yes okay is it a black person no there are a couple I'd like to get on I'd like to get on I like killer Mike on I like killer Mike I like Snoop on I'd like big boy from outcast I'd

like ti I should give a shout out to ti about his car keep saying stuff you're just eliminating guests i was gonna guess oh yeah that's right so you're going with the you're going with the white dude oh i'm going with the white dude i think he's white i don't even know his name to be honest with you it's hot in here guys can y'all cut the ac on um i drank a lot yesterday and I woke up in the middle of the night in a fucking sizzle. I mean, I was so hot and all of a sudden my body went and fucking

poured sweat. Back to sleep. Nuh-uh. Yeah. Almost like when a truck stops and it's like It woke me up. I was so hot. My fucking wife Leanne was like you gotta keep, you gotta keep you hey boy this is how liam talks i was doing i'm doing this impression of liana she fucking hates it and i got off stage

in lansing this weekend and uh and dave williamson's like i think you're doing theo as liam he's like yeah liam never says gang gang when she sucks your dick gang gang son but hey boy all I need to know about Diet Coke is I drop it on the bottom boat

let me answer you drinking Diet Coke I ain't drinking Diet Coke that's all I need to know about Diet Coke right now shit what

oh my god there's a lot of black people I'd like to have on my podcast oh you gotta get some you gotta i don't have enough black people on my podcast none of us nobody does nobody does donnell's the only like donnell's money too donnell's money but every every time you think you're like man i gotta diversify a little you're like hey don, everybody in podcasting is like that, dude.

Cat Williams would be good. Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. I don't count them as in the group because they're just comics. I want to reach out. You know who I'd like? Cornel West. Cornel West. Let's bring him up. Is he a singer? No. Nope. He's not.

Oh, there he is, huh? Dr. Cornel West. Oh, west oh damn huh he's badass dude yeah is he really like a real uh prolific thinker and stuff yeah yeah yeah he's the reason i'm gonna say this there's no proof to what i'm about to say he's the reason chris rock special was so good bring the pain chris rock started hanging around dudes like this on sunday they do like a a Sunday supper where they talk about politics and talk about the world and talk about things. And he'd just hang out. By the way, I'm not certain what I'm saying is accurate at all. I might have just dreamt this.

And so I had a dream about David Spade last night. You did? Yeah, and I should call him and let him know I was thinking about him. But so he. Yeah, what happened? I want to know about this guy. He looks really interesting. He's really interesting. He's like just a thinker. I think he works this guy. He looks really interesting. He's really interesting.

He's like just a thinker. I think he works at Harvard. And he just is – he's always on Bill Maher. And I just love him on Bill Maher. He's always got a good take. Some people are aligned just straight politics. And that bores me. I like a person that will float and go like, well, those kids were wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like somebody that's got some nuance to their own ideas. Yeah, I don't. I don't. To their views. I don't have any of that. You don't? No.

I have pretty basic views. Well, do you? And I flip-flop a lot. I flip-flop a lot. I'm going to try this little one. But that's okay, man. I don't think that that's bad or anything. Is there alcohol in this?

No. Okay. Okay. People on one of my podcasts. Is there alcohol in this? No. Okay. Okay. People on one of my podcasts. Well, let's get into it. Okay. So if it's a, I'm going to say Bill Clinton. It's not.

Although he would be good. He would be good. But he would be good like off camera, you know? Yes. He's like, well, that was really good, Bert. Are these things still rolling? And I go, no. And he goes, man, I was really good, Bert. Are these things still rolling? And I go, no. And he goes, man, I fuck a lot of bitches when I was president.

My favorite thing to do, cum in them. Just cum in them and go, yeah, take that. That's presidential seed, baby. And spit in their mouths and just throw a towel at them. Go clean yourself up, whore. Yeah. Hey, get back on the bench, babe. Go Razorbacks.

Hey, what was it like starting for the first time? Go Razorbacks! Go Razorbacks! Dude, when you think about the fact that he's out of the University of Arkansas, him and Hillary straight up met at the University of Arkansas, dude.

Yeah. Pull up young pictures of Hillary. Was she ever really hot pull up young pictures of Hillary. Was she ever like, like really hot? You could see that. Oh, hold on. Yeah.

You could see it or like. Let's take it. Let's take some looks at her. Because you got to be like Jackie Onassis hot. Jackie Kennedy hot. I mean, you got to look at. Wow. Bill was not planning on doing well.

I think Bill was looking for someone to help him with his homework. Look at that, dude. He looks like a starting center for the Nets in 1972. Hi, boy. Hi, it's Bill Clinton. That's a good impression, right? That's pretty good. Hi.

You ever think Bill Clinton said the N-word? Let me think about it. Hold on. I bet it's been a while. You think it's been a while? Oh, come on. You think he says it recently? I think he's one of those guys that just still drops it every now and then.

Just to Hillary. Just to Hillary. Oh, yeah. Just the best. Yeah. Who's calling you? He's like, it's Obama. Hi, old boy.

Hey, what's up? How you doing? I lost it. I had the accent for a second. Let me think. Hey, it's Bill Clinton. That's not, you're getting a little Fozzie, a little Fozzie Bear there. Yeah, I get really Fozzie.

Yeah. I'm not, I'm not crazy. But that's not Fozzie. That's not Fozzie. I used to think Jimmy Kimmel looked like Fozzie the Bear. Let me think. Like early Jimmy Kimmel when he was like a little more overweight. Oh, yeah, I could see thatmel looked like Fozzie the Bear. Let me think. Like early Jimmy Kimmel when he was a little more overweight. Oh, yeah, I could see that.

Bring up Fozzie. Can we get a look at what Fozzie looks like? Fozzie is a long one. Hey, Gus. No, hold on. Hey. Oh, that's Fozzie. Who am I thinking of?

Hey. No, that's not him. No, that's too old. Driving along, it takes the fun out of my way. I think of a highway. It's delicious. Is everybody singing that right? I think it's...

We picked up a weirdo. Life is a highway. I'm going to run it all night long. Have you ever done anything as good as that? Think about that, right? Artistically, do you think you've put out one thing that it equals that song? I think of that all the fucking time. When you think of one-hit wonders, like Rat, right?

Round and round. Your love will come away, just give it time, time. Round and round. Yeah, do you think you've done anything as good as that one? Like, put out one piece of work where you go, that was, I take it, you have. I think there's some beats that I've put out there that are pretty good. I think my cousin got bit by a gay as good as round and round. That made me laugh so fucking hard.

Yeah, it's a true story, man. It's sad, too. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, that's, it's a true story, man. It's sad, too. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, that's what this city's gone into, man. It's fucking Obama's aquarium out here. I mean, it's fucking Biden's aquarium out here, dude. Biden's aquarium.

Out on the streets here, bro. It's insane. Everybody's biting. I just heard about this Hunter Biden guy. Yeah. He does crack? He used to do it, they said. I don't know if he's better.

Oh, so it's not recent? No. Oh, well, then said. I don't know if he's better. Oh, so it's not recent. No. Oh, well, then whatever. I don't think. Everyone can grow. No, then, yeah, whatever. I thought he was doing it, like, today. He was on Marin's podcast.

I didn't hear it, though. He was on Marin's podcast? Wasn't he on Marin's podcast, I think, Zach? I think you're thinking he was on Getting Doug with High. Oh, he was? Dude, I'm just gullible today, man. I feel like we haven't even started this conversation.

Oh, we started the show? Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. He was on Marc Maron? Wow. And Marc Maron, you know Marc Maron, he'll hold you to the fire.

Did he say, so tell me about the crack in the bathtub. I've got to listen to it. Did he? Maron's been doing, he's got like a beef, I guess, or something with Rogan and Schaub, huh? With Schaub? Or like some of his material and stuff has been about. I know he has a beef with Rogan.

Has been about it. I had to edit a few things out on podcasts. You did? Yeah. I was like, I don't want to be the fucking fire starter between this thing. Yeah. You're going to fucking say that out loud? I was like.

We can edit this out. Nope. It's been. Don't. Don't. I live a life where I try not to. There's shit I've said on podcasts that I completely regret. Yeah.

But it's out there. So, and so if I start editing now, then I look like I've gotten so much better. I go, I got to keep it consistent. Yeah. Yeah, I got to be kind of ignorant. Keep going. What do you,

I'm going to think about what that guest is. I'll give you, I'll give you, I'll give you a huge hint. And I don't think. Is it that singer Pink? Oh, I would love to have singer pink i would love to have pink i would love to have pink i would love to have pink and not tell my wife and daughters and have them walk in and they would lose their i'll tell you what i'll even tell you go

this far pink can bring her boyfriend and i'll get a tattoo right there yeah because her boyfriend does to two work, he does? Heart Foundation or something. Heart and weight. I like Kat Von D, boy. I like Kat Von D, too. She's in recovery. I think her tattoos are much better now.

Wow. I heard there was a period of time when they were a little sloppy. She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to have a cocktail. And she was like, I added to it. She was hot. She still is hot as shit. Oh, yeah. She looks good, man. Bring her picture up. Bring up a picture and she was like i added to it she was hot and she still is hot as shit oh yeah she looks good man bring her picture up bring up a picture of her she is really sexy yep yeah she looks nice dude um was there a first before you loved your wife was there a first love for you

yeah yeah wow jennifer stevens eighth grade's great. She really dialed in what I liked in women. She had great feet. She still has great feet I'm sure great feet feet. Yeah, she used to sit in mr. Yarnell's class With her foot like this and she just dangled her. Oh she dangled her shoe and I seventh grade eighth grade It's the first time I realized I was straight seventh grade, eighth grade, was the first time I realized I was straight. Yeah. Where I was like, like, whatever a gay kid goes through. I think that's why I'm empathetic towards, like,

anyone who's struggling with their sexuality. I don't think I, maybe I haven't always been like this, but I think definitely when I realized that at that moment I was out of control, I was, I wanted, I wanted tan, blonde women for the rest of my life with gray feet gray feet where it had to be a thing i was out of control i couldn't control my thoughts i never listened to mr rl's class all i really learned is about barnstorming it seemed to be the only thing more interesting than jennifer stevens feet and uh and then dangle that sandal god and i remember being like oh i'm

fucking i'm bit by the bug oh and so if that if you feel that way about boys and you're a boy you know like at the same age eighth grade and you're like god damn it man but it must be crazy at that age because all boys are suddenly being like I've been jerking off all night and you're just sitting there as a gay boy you're like it would all be so hard especially like we used to do a lot of gay shit growing up. Like if you got in the shower and you were like a little white, we'd start slapping you. And then we'd just put handprints all over you. Imagine being an albino gay kid trying to figure yourself out.

And you get in there and everyone's like slapping you. You're like, oh. Hey, have you opened those cigars? You're like, I'm bad. I'm bad. Those cigars are really great cigars. They are? Yeah, they're tatuajes.

I don't even know those in cigars. This is an interesting point. Because when did you find out you were straight? Let me think. Meaning it was in you. You went, what the fuck was that? Not just going like, watching Wonder Woman and being like, she looks pretty or whatever. But you're like, I'm in love with this girl. i want this girl in my life and i got her i got

jennifer stevens i dated her for like probably six months wow she broke up with me to date thompson rankins oh that's the whitest name you'll ever he was the worst he was the coolest dude yeah he was he was the first guy that taught me it was okay to shower. With other dudes? Yeah, him, Truett Gardner. Him and Truett Gardner. Okay, that's enough dudes in the shower. Even in the story, I feel like we don't need... You're just like, oh, Ron was there, Alan. They told me I needed to name my dick. Really?

Yeah, they told me. I was really uncomfortable. I was in probably eighth grade. They were in ninth grade. And we were playing football, they told me. I was really uncomfortable. I was in probably eighth grade. They were in ninth grade. And we were playing football, JV football. And we all had to get in the shower afterwards, and I was really uncomfortable. And by the way, I'm sorry.

They're two grown men in their 50s with children and just sharing the story. Yeah. And they're like, hey, man, if you're uncomfortable, this is so fucking bizarre. They're like, if you're uncomfortable, there's a process. Yeah. Shower in your boxers. I said, for real?

And they go, we don't care. If you're not comfortable with your body, shower in your boxers. I was like, I can shower in my boxers? They go, hey, it's just us. We don't give a shit. So I showered in my boxers, and then the next day after football practice, I came into my boxers, and they were like, they were like, you know, one day you're going to have to, you know, just let you know, like, there's going to be other guys

in here. It's going to be weird. You're in your boxers. It's okay with us, but like, one of the things you can do to help you feel a little more confident, name your dick. I said, for real? I said, yeah. I named my dick John Henry that day. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I named my dick John Henry.

And I got very comfortable showering. I got very comfortable showering. And then I went to an all-boys Catholic high school, and I got uncomfortable again. Really? Oh, they had hogs. They had, like, legit hogs. Really? Dude, and they had hit

because I was showering in JV football so the oldest kid was ninth grade right I go to into ninth grade and now I'm showering with like seniors and they were men they were grown men with Cox yeah and I had a penis like I I saw the penis they had Cox wow and I remember I remember broken your heart uh panic it was more panic yeah panic. Yeah, panic. It was like panic. I was the same size as Thompson and Drew. We were all like roughly just boys, you know? Yeah. And then you go in and you see like hairy cocks. And this is, do you remember the showers that just had the one sprout, like the one mushroom

with all the spigots on it and you'd, and so everyone was showering around a one pole. And so it was like eight dudes around one pole showering. So everyone's looking at each other's dicks. Almost like an octopus. That's insane they did that. And the only thing to block you from seeing the person's dick was that pole. That one pole. But then you're looking at dicks all over here.

And then dudes will piss on you. And you're like, oh, fuck. What am I? I think I'm getting sexually assaulted. Oh, man. Yeah, I remember that very distinctly. Dude, I, oh, man. Yeah, I remember that very distinctly. Dude, I, man, I was so scared to go anywhere where they had, where everybody had to be, like, naked and stuff, you know? I was, like, I think it was very unnerving.

That's it. Look at it. That's it. Were you really? Yeah, I think so, man. It was also, like, really, I remember, like, what are we talking about? The first penis we ever saw no first penises i ever saw first penis i ever saw where i went okay that's bigger than mine wow was jeff harley wow

and i remember and did you tell him uh no but but he knew he knew oh he knows to this day and by the way he's the only one watching this going that's's right. He's going to clip this out and send it around to our friends. They'll be like, hey. Dude, we had, oh, I remember I've told this story before, but we had a fella, somebody got a hot tub in our town, right? Yeah. And we'd never, I mean, no one even could imagine it, right? Yeah.

So we go over there at somebody's birthday party, this fella Little William. And it was his birthday and some guy who got invited there was older than us so we're all in the hot tub just being children i mean we were young you know probably 10 or 11 yeah and this other fella uh this other fella cj was his name anyway he's under the water and he'd been pleasuring himself and we didn't know. So he stands up and just starts like spewing out another thing. Oh, that's so unfair.

And bro, we'd never seen it. We didn't know what was happening, right? Yeah. And little William grabbed, thought something was happening, like he was leaking out of his body. He was just gonna keep... He applied first aid. He was like, I keep. He applied for his date. He was like, I said it's Ernie again.

Someone call 911. 100%. Shut up. He put two hands on him. This kid was big, dude. This kid had probably won a title belt doing something. He put two hands on him. The big guy punched him in the neck, bro.

I always felt so bad for that kid. All those first moments at once you see the ejaculate and then you try to help and then you get fucking and now it's in the water so it's coming up on your do you remember when you jerk off in the tub and then you didn't realize that the cum would just get on your chest hairs and it would like press it this way so it looked like you'd put gel on your stomach do you remember the first time like when you first started jerking off what was your move because like mine was mine was to like rub it like this oh against your stomach yeah like put it on my stomach and then rub it like this and then wow almost like a clitoris. Kind of. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, exactly.

Wow. And then I realized, like I remember watching movies and they were like, hey. And then like one day I kind of put pen to paper. Like getting all Italian with it. They go like, he's in there jerking off. And I was like, I guess this is a move for jerking off. I didn't know. And then one day I went, I did it. And I went, oh, that makes sense.

That's why they're doing this. Cause they do it to their dicks. And it's so much more efficient. And I was like, Oh, that's, that's all I'm going to do it for now on. Suddenly you're just walking around town and playing songs.

Guys, I'm alive. I'm alive. I used to think jerking off was gay. Wow. And I kind of came to terms with being gay. Cause I was like, I can't quit.

Yeah. I was like, I guess I'm gay. I guess if this is gay, I'm gay as fuck. I'm fucking the gayest dude in town because I'm jerking off at least once a day. Oh, damn, bro. That's insane, man. Yeah.

That's when there were rumors about gays. So you didn't know. You were like, I guess I'm getting AIDS. Yeah. Because AIDS was on 2020, and they didn't tell you how you got AIDS. They told you. Mm-mm. They just told you gay guys were getting it.

And I'm jerking off like fucking three times a day going, fuck, I'm getting AIDS. I remember going down to my dad and going, do you think this is AIDS? Wow. And he was like, huh? I was this close to going, I'm jerking off a lot, okay? I'm gay. Just on 2020, they said that we're getting AIDS. And so do you think I have AIDS?

I remember thinking, because it was carcinoma in your skin. It was like skin cancer. Oh, yeah. Smokers, freckles, they used to call them. Yeah. And so my dad's like, you don't have AIDS. I was like, are you sure? And he's like, I'm 100% certain you don't have AIDS.

Wow. He's like, is there something I need to know about you? I was like, never mind. Wow. I almost told him I jerked off twice. The first time it ever happened first time it ever happened i was uh i'll save the names for where i was but i was in a pool and there was a hose with a gun on it and i i don't know i just shot my dick and then all of a sudden it was just you shot the hose at your wiener underwater underwater yeah it feels that's a good that's a good thing by the way i did that i did

that when i was like 45 randomly i was in a pool and i was like and i had a hose and i just i just randomly just sprayed my balls see if it felt good 45 dude holds up still cool does this close to jerking off in my pool in your own pool I was like oh come on man I can't do that to my family my fucking wife comes out of the pool her hair is over to the side like something about Mary I'm like sorry no but I remember jerking off

in that pool or not jerking off but masturbating with the hose in the pool I went to go pick up someone at the airport and I had my first orgasm I'd had white dreams as a kid I didn't orgasm I'd had I'd had white dreams as a kid I didn't know what they were but I'd had wet dreams and I knew they were like the best dreams I was always riding horses in those dreams and so I almost said to my dad I had the craziest thing happened to me today dude every so what you're saying though the the I'm sorry I'm stuck on that

horse thing please and you just what I would be be riding horses, and then I'd have a wet dream. I'd have an orgasm. I'm like first grade through third grade. I'd have wet dreams, and it was always me riding horses. And then, Theo, I rode a horse at full sprint. Was there anything in your butt you feel like, or it was just? It was like a vibration, like a. And then I'd be riding a horse riding a horse

and then i just i just have a wet dream not wet dream it was just it was a nocturnal emission but it wasn't like that like it was just an orgasm while you sleep but what is it like is it like i'm gonna tell me like well it's funny because i really it was just me on a horse just riding a horse okay and then and then all of a a horse, just riding a horse. Okay. And then all of a sudden, I'd be riding the horse, and my dick would be hard. I was a kid, and I'd just be like, uh-huh, well. And then, boom, it would hit, and I would wake up. Oh, yeah. And be like, that was fucking...

I need to get a horse. Yeah. I need to get a horse ASAP. Rich people just... Yeah, Black Stallion came out where the kid was riding on the beach. I was like, luckiest kid in the fucking world. That kid just skeeting all over. Just blowing loads all over a horse... Yeah, a black stallion came out where the kid was riding on the beach. I was like, luckiest kid in the fucking world. That kid just skeeting all over. Just blowing loads all over a horse.

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Take care of your body. Get that wiener stout, baby. And then I rode a horse as an adult I rode a horse for Travel Channel At full sprint I wonder if I remember this or not I was We were in Texas

We were running Buffalo Through Texas And they brought me out And I got real comfortable on a horse And then the guy John I forget his last name. John was the, he ran the, he ran. And he was homosexual?

No, no, he was not. Oh, he was a fucking stud. He was a stud. I mean, not saying that you can't be a stud and gay, but like, you can be a stud and gay. Now there's very, there's like, really, I think gangster fucking gay dudes, you know? Dude, I mean, nowadays, you can't like, i think kids are growing up with such fluidity that i don't think they see gay the way we saw it when we were kids you know they just are like no you fall in love with the person um but but he this guy john said why don't you take her and

let her loose and and i've never really ridden a horse at full sprint it is it is It is, dare I say, better than average sex. It's way better than average sex. Like great sex, it's hard to beat. But just, you know, run-of-the-mill sex, like sober, morning, pound-one-out sex. There's a moment when you're riding a horse. So there's like three speeds. There's a walk, there's a gallop, and then there's a canter, and then there's a run. Gallop's a little painful.

It's just like, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. I've done that. It really sucks. And then a canter is like, da-da-dun-da, da-da-dun-da, da-da-dun-da. And then when you, yeah, you get that horse going, there's a moment where you and the horse become one. You become one you become one the horse uh the energy of the horse takes over your energy and dictates what you do and there's a moment where your body and that horse's neck are going at the same that's me on that horse that's my horse and you're going

at the same rate and you're fucking flying it is the purest joy I've ever had where I wasn't, it's like a roller coaster, but even more dangerous because you're like, and you're just smiling ear to ear and my hat flew off, my hair's in the wind. I'm like, yeah, yeah. I didn't realize I was super about to get hurt. John's like, slow the fuck down. Really?

Yeah, because I was out of control. I was completely, the horse was in control control. I was completely out of control. The horse was in control. I wasn't in control of it. And did a horse's know to stop or keep going? So you got to stop with your legs, your legs, your ass. You got to put your ass into the back of the horse so he knows, hey, we're done. Because if he feels you up in the stirrups, he's like, yeah, bitch, let's open this shit up.

This is what I was meant to do. This is my natural speed. The way I drink at airports is the way horses run. That's when you see me at a full clip at an airport, and they're like, another one? I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in gallop mode, baby. That is the way a horse fucking, wah!

Like, I mean, just fucking, show a horse running at full speed. It's so beautiful. And you'll see what I'm talking about. The neck does this. And you get into this symbiotic moment with your horse where you become one. It's the coolest thing to have an animal with half a ton between your legs and just be this. That's a car.

Oh, no, they're doing a horse. Okay. Does it make you, does it give you any sort of. See, okay, so that's like a, that's a canter. Okay. And then do you see the way the neck kind of just... Look at the neck. And then you're going up, the neck's going down,

and then you guys meet back up again at the same place. It's almost like it really is the best rhythmic... No feet on the ground. No feet on the ground. You're just flying. Oh, my God. This is what a horse is meant to do. Anything against this is against that animal. a horse is meant to do anything against

this is against that animal a horse meant to run at full speed that's why it's that's why marriage just doesn't make sense to me at times yeah it's for not for me because it is because i'm i'm out of pasture i'm old horse you think so i like to run but like my runnings but internally like like last night sex my wife was fucking insane dude my't dude my wife, and I got into that moment. No into that fucking We on the back of the bottom or what I? Was on the bottom I was on the bottom Wow, but she was like Leanne was playful fun. She was drunk playful fun Crazy fucking and there was a moment where you're just you're both moving at the right time Yes, but like for some guys.

I've had some of that before. Some guys, some guys meant, are meant to sprint. Some guys meant to sprint. My buddy Croy, he was meant to sprint. He was meant to be out there. That's the way his brain works. He just can't stop doing sex out there with strangers? Well, yeah.

Or women that he dates or whatever. Yeah, women that he dates. I mean, he's dead now. So, but yeah, yeah. But it's because he was a fucking horse. Everyone wanted him to be a fucking pony. And he was a fucking, I mean, I don't know. Look, I love the guy. I mean, he's dead now. But yeah, yeah. But it's because he was a fucking horse. Everyone wanted him to be a fucking pony. And he was a fucking... I mean, I don't know.

Look, I love the guy. I miss him a ton. But some guys are fucking sprinters. You know? Don't try to fucking... I used to have a bit about it, about how women catch horses. Maybe it's misogynistic now. But they catch you and then they, you know, like...

Because you're just like running on top of mountains. You're just going... Lightning striking. And then these settlers just staring top of mountains just going, lightning striking. And then these settlers just staring up at the mountain going, I'm going to get me that horse. And then they come up with a bag of carrots, carrots are blowjobs. And they're like, you probably heard this joke before.

And they're like, hey, come here. And you're like, I like blowjobs. And then when they pet you, so when you, the really interesting thing about horses, so horses, like this is kind of crazy, this blew me away, but horses are kind of crazy. This blew me away. But horses are out and past.

Like when you go, every morning I have to go get my horse. And my horse would be in a fucking field. And so you have to go get your horse. And you whistle or you just go over there? Hey, boy. Hey, boy. And they like it. And you bring like a carrot or an apple.

And you're like. They don't know they're getting caught, right? They don't want to be caught. And he just comes over. And the way you catch a horse is you throw a rope over his neck. Just throw a rope over his neck. Boom, he's yours. My wife did that to me.

Just threw a rope over my neck. I didn't even know I was caught. I didn't even know I was caught. Next thing I know, I got two kids, fucking five mortgages. I'm caught, man. I can't run anywhere. It's true. You're done i'm done i'm cool with it i'm cool with it was there a point where you ever thought like hey

if i'm gonna get if i'm gonna get back out there i gotta get back out there now i remember that moment we were on the beach wow we're on the beach and she said hey she dumped me and uh and i knew very acutely that I needed her in my life. And so I won her back I made like a mixtape I'm in mixtape. I wrote a letter. I cried in my shower. I cried in my car. I cried everywhere Yeah, went on a run-up runyon. I was coming down outpost by Ben Affleck's old house and And the Sun was setting it had just rained and I said to God this is what we were talking about earlier And this is a hint on who i want on my podcast i said to god if you give me this woman i won't

fuck it up i won't cheat on her i won't misbehave i won't like i'll follow whatever i'll be a good man i'm i'll learn i'll go to therapy i'll do all the shit you need me to do to be like the guy she wants and i got back to my uh my house and she was sitting on my bed in a sundress. No. I swear to God. And I went, ooh, you're fucking listening. I was like, mm-hmm, careful what you wish for, right? I was like, because then you're like, so we talked.

Right. We go to dinner out at like someplace in Malibu. I have a panic attack at dinner. I was just telling my daughter this the other day. And then we went to the beach. We went out to Zuma at night. Went out to Zuma, sat there. And she said, i'll take you back

but i need to know that this is going to be real like that that we could like this is going to lead to something and i remember that that moment it's like it's the natural horse instinct where you go yeah like wait should i run should i run or just stay here with the carrots and the petting? And I was like, and I thought to myself, if I walk away, there'll be another chick. Is the hopes of that better than this? And I thought about it, and I was like, nope, this is the best thing I can get. In my head. That sounds cheap, but this is the best thing that's ever come in my way.

Like, just a good person. Like, I don't want to miss this. Yeah, she was like, she's, all the things you could ever say about, I'd ever say about my wife. The one thing I know about my wife is she's a good person. She cares about me. She cares about, like, she's selfless. Like, real selfless. Like, I'm pretty self-centered.

I said to the girls the other day, I said, you know, I bust my ass on the road for you guys. And Leanne goes, no, you don't. She's like, no, you don't. I don't think Bert, Bert, Bert has anything to do with anybody else. She goes, it's you. She goes, because I was supposed to not work in December and then I got offered Alaska. And I was like, fuck, I'll do Alaska. She's like, you're doing that for you.

You're not like winning Christmas presents. You're doing it because it's an arena in Alaska, and you want to go snowboarding for a week. And I was like, oh, yeah, I do this all for me. She's like, it's all about you. You're not doing Red Rocks for us. You're doing it for you. She's taking the dog to the vet. She's like, do you want to go?

I was like, I got to go to work. But I want to be here with you because you make me laugh. So I'm fucking, she's taking the dog to the vet. She's like, do you want to go? I was like, I got to go to work. But I want to be here with you because you make me laugh. So, like, I'm like, it's all about me. She does nothing for her. She does everything for us. So, you need that teammate. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's your partner in crime.

She's my lab partner. Yeah. Yeah. So, she's my Hillary Clinton. Yeah. That's a bad example. But she's hotter than Hillary, though. Yeah, way hotter.

That's a good hint. Yeah, what else is going on though. Yeah, way hotter. That's a good hint. Yeah, what else is going on? I haven't seen you in a while. I haven't seen you in forever. I know. I've just seen you on social media, and you've been so busy, man. It's crazy. I was going to name my tour the Relapse Tour.

No. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. I got a lot of shit for that. Did you? Yeah, because I've never been in recovery, and so some people are pretty sensitive about that.

Oh, yeah. I can see that maybe. I was so jealous. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, I just was, because I started the Birdie Boy tour, and then it got canceled because of COVID. And then I did the drive-in movie theaters, and I loved that one. Hot Summer Nights was great.

I loved that title. I loved that branding. I loved the bus, what it looked like. It was so so fun it was so kind of like 1980s bright colors and then when they were like hey you got to rename your new tour but you got to let them know that their tickets are still valid for the old tour you know some people were like uh one for the road or back about you know whatever and i just thought oh relapse would be great not thinking that there are that recovery is a pretty serious thing. There were some people that were upset.

They're like, hey, man, that's no fucking joke. And I was like, they're all jokes to me. You should hear what I really joke about. I was being serious on that one. No, no, I've never done the whole recovery thing. Did you ever think about it? Because you go pretty hard, you know? Yeah, I think about it all the time. I mean, the problem I have is that what happens is when I feel like I'm going too hard,

there's this internal kind of metronome in me that goes, it's time to slow down. It's time to, you got it. Let's do a couple nights off. Let's, you know, and not the way like a regular person would go. Like, we'll It's time to, you got it. Let's, let's do a couple nights off. Let's, you know, and not the way like a regular person would go, like, we'll just drink on weekends, you know? And I'll be like,

I'll just, I won't drink Monday, Tuesday, you know, or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or like,

this is going to sound like this is going to be the most horrific statement. You'll ever hear me sound a podcast. Trust me. But like, or, or you'll go, let's, let's not drink on private jets.

You know, like that's like, if you buy in a private jet to get yourself to work work maybe you should use that as that really expensive plane ticket as a time to uh recovery and and work hard and read a script and not just party your fucking dick off like i have the whole time i've ever gotten private jet i get on a private jet i'd be like if i'm paying 13 000 30 000 whatever i'm paying for a flight i'm partying my fucking dick off we're eating edibles we're fucking like yeah i'm gonna fucking get fucking wasted oh dude and then and then i started going no i should probably not do that i should probably use this as a time to work on my business because it's a business expense technically

so yeah so so but i always think about it i think about there's a hint i who my podcast guest would be i think about i was just the vatican and i think about i i i i had this epiphany everyone has their god right so like rogan's god i'm not speaking on behalf of joe but like from my perspective from the outside perspective, his God is anti-aging. Everyone's worried about death. So what are you going to do about death to make you feel better when you wake up in the morning? Well, for Rogan, it's taking care of himself. It's working out hard, staying sharp, reading, listening to audiobooks.

And so it's all the anti-aging shit he does, puller plunge, sauna, stem cells. Walking. Hyperbaric chambers. Yeah, thinking. Yeah, walking and thinking are in there. And so that's his god, right? Seguro's god is money and nice things and blood doping, whatever Seguro's into.

I don't really know. Ari's god is drugs, is mushrooms and psychedelics and molly the shadows yeah and and and dark traveling so like everyone's got their god and then some people we know that growing up their god is really god they believe in god yeah and that's the thing that gets them through their day is they take a minute and pray and then i was like i was like well and so like all our friends are that don't believe in the real god don't believe in god but do their own god i go what if i just added a little bit of real god to me like what if i tried to find what if i legit what if i legit was like open to faith like open to

like maybe something maybe because i was at the vatican and i have like i have all the like the crosses and the the medals for the saints. The merch. Yeah. I genuinely love your brain. I love your brain. You make me giggle so fucking hard. Oh, thanks, man.

You make me laugh, too. I've been laughing so much this morning. For the longest time. And I'm trying to stay off vaping, so. Are you really? Yeah. Really? Jesus, brother.

You know how many people, women are vaping? are you really yeah really jesus brother you know how many people women are vaping men yeah children i mean whole families are laying in their bed at night fucking clouds of smoke yeah leaving chimneys people think it's like that it's just a warm home inside or it looks or they think that uh someone opened a mummy's casket and the curse got passed on everyone yeah i uh i never vaped. I mean, vape marijuana, but don't count there. Get out of there. Okay, so what else happened? So I'm in the Vatican, and I'm like...

Beautiful. It's really beautiful. We snuck a little thing of salamis in there, too, when we went. For real? Yeah, just nibbling on it. Yeah, because there's no food. Summer sticks, you know? Bring up that summer sausage.

Dude, summer sausage is good. It's kind of a deceptive name, too. Yes. Summer sausage. Rogan gave me some summer sausage. Oh, it's so good, man. Bring up a stick of that. God, it's good.

They did that with elk. He gave me a summer sausage with elk. Fuck. And I didn't know what it was. I tried to cook it, and I was like, I don't think this needs to be cooked. Damn, I feel like if you bite into that, a warp zone will open up in your local butcher shop dude that shit sounds insane huh but look yeah we would nibble on that while we're walking through there we got a couple of these i couldn't even have a water you couldn't i don't think so because

i think they don't want people watering down the art or watering down the statues yeah because we did the whole tour like we did sistine chapel all the artwork and then yeah i don't think we had any we could have anything to drink and then at the end we were fucking starving we were fucking starving and we're buying and we're buying uh merch they do sell merch like that like it's funny yeah that was we were buying merch and uh and george and i were like i'm about to eat my fucking flip-flop. And I was like, yeah, let's go get something to eat. And so we went to, we had a really shitty actually lunch. It was like a pizza place or something. It wasn't even good pizza.

Yeah, that's the worst. That's one of the worst things about being a tourist in another country. Everything looks like it's perfect because of the setting. Yeah. And then you realize that you're at like, you know, just some kind of just run-of-the-mill joint. You went to Italy. I drank. You went to Italy? I drank perfectly in Italy.

Oh, wow. Perfectly. I mean, so here's my thing with drinking. If I day drink, it fucks me up. I can't day drink really. So like I can only drink. I need to have, that's why the road works well for me because I don't have my first drink until like midnight.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. So I'll drink midnight till two, whenever bus call is. Maybe have a pop on the bus. Not lately because I have acid reflux. So usually you just have a couple drinks after the show, two or three drinks, and then on the bus, go to sleep. Maybe hit a vape pen, let a joint, go to bed, and I'm out. Listen to a podcast, I'm out.

And then wake up the next day a little late, but I don't drink the whole fucking day. So that's really good for me because day drinking, that that's why i don't drink on jets or i drink on planes because i if i day drink on a plane then it goes out throughout the day and then that really puts a dent on your on your on your wellness like you just feel like shit your sweat smells like piss you're shaky your piss smells like sweat no your sweat smells like piss too both of them yeah both of them i mean when you're in my balls smelled i drank all day yesterday fucking started at like seven so you just did it yeah yesterday but i but i wore i busted my ass in the gym today so it got out of me yeah but uh my balls smelled the worst anyone's balls have ever smelled in their entire life when i got in the shower to

come here i took a little dab and sniff, and I was like, whew, that's worse than armpits. That's fucking, and that was booze. Dude, how jealous do you think the back of your balls are of the front of your balls, dude? Well, the back of your balls hang out with your asshole. The front of your balls hangs out with your dick. Yeah. I'd much rather hang out with a dick than an asshole. Me too to imagine is being back there. It's like living in the slums

it's like It's like a It's like it's like I'm trying to think of two comics one a dick and one's an asshole Maybe dice and You can put either way I don't know. I'm not going to say his name. Maybe Dice and... Wait, which is Dice? I mean, you can put either way, probably. Dice could be a dick, but that's also his brand, though. Yeah, but it's like an ironic dick.

Right, right. Yeah, he's an ironic... Who likes being a dick? Jeselnik kind of? Is he a dick? I don't know. He's just kind of morose. I think he's just quiet.

I think he's just a... I think Jeselnik is like a, Jesselnik's like a cigar. They don't need to talk to people. I need to talk to people. I have to talk to people. I'm going to stand outside. Oh, Tom doesn't, he's kind of, he can do his own thing, huh? He could not speak for the rest of his life, I think, other than on stage, and he'd be

very happy. Wow. He does not need to speak. Like, he does not. I get into a car with someone, and I am chitty, chatty, Kathy the whole ride. Yeah, you're really really you like to be alive I love being alive it's like my favorite part of being alive is loving that you're alive right like if you just kind of go I'm alive you know there's times aren't you know there's times where I'm I

wake up and I'm rough this is when we're talking about like the recovery brain of like man what should I do and then I think the difference is I wake up and if I feel a little down, a little depressed, maybe a little hungover, maybe a little shaky from partying too hard, I go, you have two options today. You can lose today. You can lose it. You're allowed to. You're allowed to take a Xanax tap out, get back in bed, crank up the AC, throw on Netflix, put it on a Spanish speaking cooking show and just go to sleep. For the whole day, you can do that. Or you can choose to win the day where you get up, you have a coffee, you barrel through it, you go to the gym, you work out and you just ignore that voice in your head that goes, hey man, we're not going to be able to do this today.

You go, I'm not listening to you today. I chose to seize today. And knowing for me, knowing that I have that tap out of like, hey, we can call it a day. We can wake up and call it a day, make a breakfast sandwich, eat a Xanax, watch Netflix, knowing that I have that tap out of like, hey, we can call it a day. We can wake up and call it a day. Make a breakfast sandwich, eat a Xanax, watch Netflix, crank up the AC, blackout curtains, sleep, wake up at 8 and have a cocktail with your wife and have a great fucking day. We can do that. Or we can push through the day. We can get up early. We can go have a coffee.

We can have a treat, maybe a little bit of Instagram, a treat, you know, a little. Yeah. And then get in the gym, push through it, piss sweat in the sauna, in the polar plunge, and you will feel better. You will feel, I promise you, you will feel better. And what do you choose? I always choose the one where I work out. I always choose it.

I've chosen Xanax before. I have. Right. I have. My wife always knows it. And she's like, oh, it's so funny. I thought you were different than that. But you just got to choose to not listen to that voice knows it. She's like, so funny. I thought you were different than that. But you just got to choose

to not listen to that voice in your head that's going, we can't do this, man. This is too hard. Like, you've ever gotten up... Go ahead. I think that's where some people struggle with, like, alcoholism. I think that voice... It's not even sometimes about the drugs and alcohol. It's just about that voice the next day

and how much it, like, haunts them or, like, how much it, like, the drugs and alcohol it's just about that voice the next day and how much it like haunts them or like how much it like the drugs and alcohol fuel whatever the negative feelings like it just it's such a gasoline on those thoughts and feelings do you ever feel like do you ever feel like maybe and by the way we don't have to keep this in if you don't want to but do you ever feel like i always wonder with you because i know you're sober do you ever feel like maybe there was just aspects of your sobriety, maybe there was aspects of your partying that should never have been included? Yeah.

Like cocaine. Yeah. Like that should never have been in your mix. Right. And you should have never been introduced to it. And had you never been introduced to it, you may be able to have a few beers with people. I'm not saying that.

By the way, I'm not. Oh, totally. I want your happiness. No, I think about that every day are you are a joy to listen to literally honestly a treat when you come up i i'm i it's funny who your kids like right like georgia just thinks you are fucking the cat's pajamas you make her giggle so hard isla's a big tim dillon fan that makes sense right and so dylan's great but like i don't want to fuck with either you or tim's sobriety but you ever think that way oh yeah okay and i can't do it it fucks

me up so bad that i want to quit everything yeah i go fuck it it's like the next day off of cocaine i'm literally um i'm literally waiting for the stroke to hit i'm going like it's coming right now it's coming right now why's coming right now why did i do this why did i do this to myself yeah it's like that no whammies like that game show yeah no whammies no whammies it's a heart attack god damn it my heart's racing it's a dumbest dude yeah cocaine's just insane man if i'd never found cocaine yeah i'd never had any problem with anything else that crazy so sometimes i think maybe at some point i would just not do cocaine but yeah i mean it leads to it.

Yeah. That's the problem is once you, once you find out, you can, once you find out, you can just turn around in the median and go the other direction on the highway. It's really hard to not do that every time.

Yeah. Like if you never knew, if you never knew you couldn't do that. Yeah. When people were like, yeah, I, I,

and then I realized why I never even super enjoyed drinking because cocaine, you have like, I can get messed up right now. Right now. And marks get go. You know what I'm saying? It really does. It really is so much better than a shot. It's just like, it's like, I remember the first time I ever did cocaine.

I was in New Orleans and my buddy had a rock and He had a screen of a ham this makes me want to touch my fucking dick even hearing about it He told me one of my best friends to this day one of my best friends, and he said we were looking for Ecstasy and he said I don't have any ecstasy and I said you're partying right he was like I am we're same age And he was like, I am. We're the same age. And he goes, I. And what, did he look like a white guy? Really good looking guy. More Italian. More looking like Michelangelo.

You know Michelangelo's name wasn't Michael Angelo? It was in one word? It was one word. Michelangelo. And that was part of a bigger name. I thought it was Michael Angelo. Not like Michelangelo. And that was part of a bigger name. I thought it was Michelangelo. Not like Michelangelo, P3, Mussolini. That's a black

Italian, I think, if it's the full one. Yeah, Michelangelo, Michelangelo. It's amazing there aren't more Michelangelos. Anyway, he said, I have cocaine. And I said, I remember going, you do cocaine? And he goes, yeah, we do cocaine.

I was like, is it safe? And he goes, yeah, we do cocaine. And I was like, is it safe? And he was like, yeah, it's totally safe. He goes, here's the deal. Looked me in the eyes and he said, it's really good and it could become a problem. And he goes, and it has for friends. Like, trust me. And I was like, well, what should I do? And he goes, you got to make that decision on your own.

So I went up to my buddy who I was looking for XC with, and I said, we can't get XC, but we can get cocaine. And he was like, I'll do it. And I was like, I've never done it. And he goes, it's pretty good. And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. So we went back.

I said, I'll do something. Didn't have to buy it. He just gave us, you know, I grew up with a kid, and he shaved it off of the screen of like a window It was a screen. It was a screen that was on like a tilt So it was like oh yeah with a screen that went like this was maybe this big that's carpenters cut And that shit is good. He shaved it off of that and it feathered down and he cut a line and

He said snort half of that with one with your nose And I started the whole thing with one nostril and he goes that that's And he said, snort half of that with your nose. And I snorted the whole thing with one nostril. Yeah. And he goes, I think you're good. And I went, okay. And Theo immediately from this tooth over and this tooth over went ice numb, the whole side of my face. And I went, I was like, whew.

I felt whew. of my face and i went i was like whoo i felt whoo and my first thought was i i remember i could walk outside and rip a tree out of the ground and carry it around tonight but i'm so smart that i won't do that because if they see me with a tree they'll go he's on cocaine so i'm not ripping trees out and then i was like i think i'm gonna need to do the other nose because this side is at numb and he was like okay just a little one and he gave me another line and I did the other side and this tooth went I mean I could hear it go and it went all the way over there and I said uh I looked at my buddy and I won't say his name the buddy I was partying with Ron and uh close and so I said to our other friend I said I think I think we're gonna go down to the Bourbon Street and he's like okay. He's like he's like no cell phones

He's like we'll see you later, and I was like great, and I looked at my buddy, and I said let's go have some fun We took a little bit of pouts with us and we had one of the most exciting nights of our lives and and and Maybe I don't even think we did any more cocaine throughout the night I think we maybe did a key bump. Maybe. Yeah. But I don't think we did any more. And we had the greatest fucking night of our life.

And then that night, went back, passed out my truck, woke up when the sun was coming up with the most acutely searing anxiety attack I've ever had in my life. And we had an eight ball left that my buddy gave me to take home. And we had to drive. You need to take home and and we had to drive to take home yeah yeah and so i took the eight ball i put it in my cherokee we drove from new orleans to tallahassee and all my brain did was like i heard my brain you know you get regular brain where you go hey maybe we should pull over and get McDonald's. And you're a little regular brain, regular little guy you've been with your whole life. And then you go, oh, that sounds like a good idea. And he's like, I just thought I'd put it right up, bring it up. Yeah.

And so I get in the car and little brain's like, dude, we still have that cocaine, right? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I put it in the, it's in the middle. And he's like, are you sure that's a good idea? And then all of a sudden this fucking anxiety voice goes, what the fuck? Are we traveling with cocaine? Dude, we're going to fucking jail. What the fuck? You need to pull over right now.

You need to hide that in one of your bags. Either that or do it. We got to do cocaine. That'll make the drive so much better. And I was like, should we get food? And he's like, fuck that. We've got iron stomach. We can't get our dick hard and we can't shit.

Let's drive. Drive. It was like Sam Kinnison was in my head. And man, I tell you very candidly, I haven't got rid of that voice forever. That's why I don't fuck around with cocaine is that fucking voice. The next day, all that fun that was, it's not worth it to hear that guy. We better get out of bed. You're on blood pressure medicine.

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Yeah, man, that thing, that's the thing. It's like, you don't want to fuel that voice because in some people that voice is already kind of animated. Yeah. And so, yeah, I think- Sometimes people are drinking to shut that voice off. Right. And then when you sober up, that voice goes, you just hear him wake up like,

what the fuck did you, you tried to kill me with alcohol last night? Oh, welcome to hell, motherfucker. Let's check our dick. We got genital warts. Yeah, dude. I mean, that voice, that's why Xanax is so great. I never had no Xanax. Oh, Xanax just grabs him real quick like a fucking Gracie grabs his gi and goes like this good night good night you go to night bed now and he's like can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe and then all of a

sudden Xanax comes you come out of his Xanax and you hear that voice and he's like he's like how long have I been out for and you're like all right you're good man just lay there for a little bit lay there wake up and he's like okay holy shit what day is? And you're like, all right, you're good, man. Just lay there for a little bit. Lay there, wake up. And he's like, okay. Holy shit, what day is it? And you're like,

it's Thursday. And he's like, fuck, what are we doing this weekend? I'm like, don't worry about it. We're going to have a drink later tonight.

Let's just shut the fuck up. And he's like, whew, dude, I got fucked up last night. What happened? It's like, the whole thing's

shutting that voice down. By the way, I'm sure there's someone who runs a recovery center right now that's like, oh, Bert needs to go into recovery tomorrow.

And by the way, we need to get rid of this podcast you've just got everyone back on cocaine i don't know man well these days also cocaine got too dangerous to even do so it's like funny now one of the things that keeps me from doing cocaine is cocaine because it's like, it's not, it just, there's no reliability with it. Like, I remember trying to convince somebody like, oh, this guy gets legit cocaine. And like, where does he get it from? And I'm like, ah, you're right. I have no idea. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. He drives a fucking Dodge Neon, okay? I'm sure it's good. Dude, look at his fucking line in his hair. Come on. He's got good stuff. Look at his fingernails.

They're pedicures. They're pedicures. We're good. You know, I have some friends. I won't say their name. I won't say their name, and I hope they're watching, because I want to say their name so bad, because they're comics. But I have some friends I was partying with that were like, hey, you want to get some

cocaine? And I was like, I'm turning 50 in November. That shit's way out of my fucking i don't it's risky it's why there's no reason for me to do it there's nothing there's no benefit i know and so i was like nah and they got it and it came with a fentanyl tester yeah they're selling fentanyl tests but how can you test every little gram of it can you bring that up can we see what that looks like i don't know they i don't know but i'll tell you one guy went to the hospital. Wow. Yeah.

It's really dangerous. But yeah, for alcoholism, do you think that you're an alcoholic? No. I've run it through the ringer a few times. Dr. Drew's my litmus. Oh, yeah. And I've talked to him about it.

He's like, you're not an alcoholic. You just drink too much. He's like, alcoholism's different. Being powerless to alcohol is different than drinking a lot. Yeah. And I think same with a guy like Ron White. I think he was a big drinker i don't think he was an alcoholic because he just quit yeah i think he was like you know same with nick schwartz and nick schwartz is just a big or i don't think nick drinks anymore but he was just a big drinker i don't think he

was an hour powerless to it he's planning on drinking again oh for real oh good for him nick has the best story dude nick's like bro i was in denver oh he almost died in denver wait did it no he did tell that oh god i was just like here's how i just felt like i guess like he was almost died you know they they fucking they had they put him in hospice they had a priest come in and go the priest tried to molest him too. Keep going. What do you expect, dude? If you're going in a hospice and you call a priest, dude, somebody better touch your dick. Can you imagine how bad it would be to have been molested by a priest and then be on your deathbed and a priest walks in?

You're like, great. The one thing I've tried to never remember my whole life. Thanks for bringing it up. Why don't you bring in a snake? I'm scared of them too. Oh, my God. Dude, that's got to's gotta be so true man but nick was so great he's like man if you drink in denver beware of the alta he's like you gotta drink water the altitude will get you he's like i was drinking for six weeks at a motel and uh the alta i'm like the altitude isn't the issue it's not not the altitude. It's the motel. Once you put the motel in there, there's not a lot of fish in there.

You're leaving Colorado. He's like, dude, if you're going to drink in Phoenix, man, the cactus is there. You know, did you know there's a lot of cats in Florida? Dude, you go down to Key West, if you're drinking anywhere near the Hemingway house, there are cats. Your allergies will kick in, and you'll die from drinking. Yeah, you go to the hospital, man. Fucking Nick Swanson. Oh, so funny, dude.

He's so funny. He's not drinking now? No, he's been sober for a while, man. Good for him. But he had a couple cities that were on his fear list. But I think that's the truth. It's like, you know if you... It's like, and I think Dr. Drew's a great litmus test.

He's really, really awesome about all that stuff. I'll tell you right now, no one comments on your drinking if you, it's like, and I think Dr. Drew's a great litmus test. He's really, really awesome about all that stuff. I'll tell you right now, no one comments on your drinking if you're skinny. When you're fat, and I've been really fat, I kind of still am, that's when you get people showing up. I had a week where I had three people tell me they were worried about me. But they were just worried about me because I looked like shit. And I was fat. I was 265 pounds.

I told someone the other day, who was I talking to? I said, I was 265 pounds i told someone i told someone the other day who was i talking to i said i was 265 pounds and he goes 270 i went no i was never 270 he goes yeah you were you just didn't know it wow because once you weigh yourself at 265 going i look good today and then you're like 265 that's fucking fat well there's days you're 270 and so uh i had like three people reach out to me and go hey man, man, I'm worried about you. I'm concerned for you. One of them counted. Two of them didn't.

Not didn't count. Right, but you're like, how do you know? I was like, you haven't been around me. You just saw me one time and you were partying with me. And by the way, you're not my wife. You're not my best friend. Like if Tommy says to me, I'm worried about you, then I listen, right? Like, so yeah, uh i lost weight i lost

like 20 pounds and uh and then nobody said anything no one said anything lately and i probably partying just as hard as i always have you know yeah i mean i've thought you were gonna die before but i think that it's i will die yes so you're gonna win that one but i think it's because, um, I think it's because you go so hard. Like you just have, I mean, it's just whatever you've always had. I'm like, a lot of it I think is also envy.

I'm like, how does he keep going? Watching his social media feed is making, I'm tired. Like I'll go, I'll see three, three reels of yours on Instagram and have to go get a massage. You know what I'm saying? I'm tired. It's like, wow,els of yours on Instagram and go get a massage. You know what I'm saying?

I'm tired. It's like, wow, how does he keep going? I don't know. I think it's the thing. I think, I don't know. I think I'm a little bit of a holic. It's like I'm a holic of a lot of things but not full blown. Like I'm a workaholic.

I'm a workaholic. I'm a workaholic hardcore. And I think maybe that's where I put my holism in in is in like a healthy place but it's not healthy it it pulls from your family and your your your your sense of well-being and yours and but like i don't mind being a workaholic because i feel like you only get one especially now because you only get one opportunity to shine so you get an opportunity to sell some tickets in my opinion you you better be on the road trying to sell some tickets if you if you pop you know like if you have a moment and you pop and people go i want to see that i want to see what that guy's like live you they will forget

about you so you kind of got to go out and be like i'm here um i trust me i took two and i took two and two months off and i was off social media pretty much like I was fucking around with it every now and then. But there'd be days where I'd have like two stories up and I, and I'd forget and I'd skip a whole day. And, and I, and I had to remind myself that you have to go back to work. Like you need to get ready to go back to work. And I, I could very easily be like everyone else and go like, yeah, man, I think I'm just going to do podcasts, you know, and, and I'm not, and not push it as hard as I do, but I only got one opportunity. I'm not going to live

forever. And I definitely want to make sure that my family's comfortable. And I, and I, I love standup and I love podcasting. I love my cooking show. Something's burning. I love, I love two bears. I love being, I love all of it. I love fucking around with Joe on me on social media and taunting him and, and, and hearing the text I get back from him. I got five texts from Joe in my pocket. Sober October is getting ready. And so we're fucking around and challenging each other. I love that shit.

I love that. But I love all of it. I love taking in content as well. You love getting up every day. You really love being alive. You mean, you really love being alive. You love it. I love being alive. Like, today's a great day.

Today's a great day. Yeah. Today's a great day. I woke up at 6. Woke up at 6. Got up with Leanne. We had great sex last night, so we just kind of caught up.

And what is great... So you guys are doing the great sex. So it's... And you guys... Now, as you get it's um and you guys now as you get older do you have to do it for a long time is that matter it's a lot quicker oh wow yeah we get each other down right so like uh like last night she last night last night the the the horse was already panting okay like she was she came in bed looking to fool around. And does she do any,

does she, like, turn a plant a certain way or, like, light a candle or, like, do a, leave a chocolate or something? No, she smiles and she's playful and she's, so Leanne's, like, a little bit of a bully. Is she bad at that wiener like a cat?

No, no, no, no, no, no. A lot of women do that. She's, uh, she's, uh, she's a bully. Oh, yeah? So, like, she likes to get in bed and fuck with you Where's that dick at?

I'm a bully Yeah, yeah What was she saying last night that was so funny? She kept going Let's get that dick out, tiger No, she wasn't saying that She was doing something that was funny but is bullying me And so she gets in almost like a fun bully mode

Let me burp that worm, homie, or something like that Yeah, gang, gang. Yeah, that's it, dude. But she was fun last night, and then I was like, all right. And so we started messing around, and when we started, I was like, oh, she's here to party. Like she got drunk last night. She never gets drunk. Georgia had to drive us home.

Leanne never gets drunk. Wow. Never gets drunk. She drank a bottle of rosé by herself. Oh, if it's rosé, dude, somebody's giving head. And, man, it was like, you know, you ever been so hungry, you get Kentucky Fried Chicken, and you don't know whether to start with the mac and cheese,

the mashed potatoes, or to eat some chicken? Yeah. And you take a bite of chicken, then start. Before you, yeah, you have it all in your mouth before you even have any of it down. And you don't even know what you're tasting anymore. That's what sex was like last night. Just sloppy, drunk KFC at 2 in the morning.

Were y'all doing oral too or not? Oh, yeah. Oh, back and forth. And it was just all of it. And Leanne's really good at blowjobs. Wow, that's awesome. Really, really, really good. She's really next level.

She's next fucking level. Yeah, a lot of women, especially from smaller communities. I hope she's cool with me saying that. Oh, I think it's admirable. I forget I'm doing a podcast. I'm like, yeah, she's really fucking good. Oh, I think it's admirable. I mean, there's nothing stranger.

I think it's because she grew up in the South, and most of her family can't read. That's why they're good at blowjobs. Oh, dude. I bet you got Ken who could fucking suck like nobody's business like a third cousin or something dude is this crazy to say this bro now i wonder if this is crazy is it sometimes it's like i'll be talking to like like have you ever talked yet what kind of siblings do you have two sisters isn't it weird sometimes that they've blown dudes before has that ever seemed weird to you uh you know like yeah

I don't think about it right I don't think about the act of it but like that they have done it right the other day I was talking to my sister and I'm like it just hit me in that I was like oh my god she's like old enough to have been blowing dudes and everything. You've got a sister. Yeah, I've got two sisters. She has two children. Same mom? Same mom, same dad.

Really? Yeah. Older sisters? You're the youngest, right? Yeah, they're in their 30s. That's so funny. Wait, older sisters or younger sisters? They're younger. Okay. Yeah, they're younger. And you're like, they're in their 30s. I's so funny. Wait. Older sisters or younger sisters? They're younger.

Okay. Yeah, they're younger. And you're like, they're in their 30s. I did that the other day. I forgot. I was like, you said or say something wrong and then don't correct yourself. And you're like, I'm turning 40 next month. And everyone's like, and now no one could listen to anything I said after that.

And I'm like, are you going to go with that? And I was like, yeah, right. And I was like, I'm turning 50. I'm turning 50. It's so funny. I always thought you were an only kid for some reason. I was always thinking you had only kid energy. I could see that.

I always felt like an only kid. I distanced myself from my family right out of the gate. Yeah, you did, didn't you? Yeah, it was just like a budget program over there. I was like, I'm out. I want a profile to figure your brain out because you got energy no one's got. You know what you got? I was hearing a story about a man from Hawaii.aii i won't say his name only just out of

respect i was hanging out with his son and uh they said he left home and he was 12 and then you got that and the guy's very successful very successful in hawaii um game changer fucking next level dude you got that energy you got oprah energy where like you go i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna get there i'll make it i'll i don't i'll i'll get through there you yeah you got you're an interesting dude well thanks man yeah i think you're an interesting dude man i definitely always get envious of your ability to keep going it's like and yeah i think that's where i think people think you're gonna to die is because they're like, oh, how can we keep going? But then I think there's just some people who just have the ability to keep going.

Like, do you feel under like insane pressure by your own schedule? Yeah. I was saying that to when we talked and you were like, how's everything? I said it can get very overwhelming at times. Very overwhelming, especially because I've set myself up into a scenario, and I'm not complaining at all. I want to be very clear. No, it doesn't sound like you are.

It doesn't sound like self-pity or anything. So a year ago, two years ago? No, I think just a year ago today. Yeah, because I'm going to Red Rocks next week. You're going to Red Rocks next week? You just did it like a year ago. I did it a year ago. I'm doing it again.

Wow. So Red Rocks was the one thing that kind of changed my career a tad bit. I mean, you know ticket sales. You know what we can move. Like we're all in that same spot where we can move maybe $5,000 to the market. It's pretty safe to say. $2,000 to market, $5,000 to market, do a theater. And so I was supposed to do Red Rocks with Jim Jeffries.

He had a kid, and he had to back out because his due date was on the day we were supposed to do the show. And they said to me, hey, man, we can try to find another headliner. You can do it by yourself. Now, we know. I say me and you, and I could be real wrong about what you're. I think you may be outselling me. But like 10,000 tickets in a market is a lot. That's an arena act.

And I'm not an arena. I wasn't at the time an arena act. But I liked the challenge. lot. That's an arena act. And I'm not an arena. I wasn't at the time an arena act, but I liked the challenge. I liked the idea that no one thought I could do it and I liked the challenge. And I went and I knew there was no foul

if I didn't because I was already supposed to do it with Jim. So I knew that it was like a get out of jail free card. I could take a swing and tug the tiger's tail and see if I can knock him out or... And blame it on Jim and His kid yeah, we have it if I fail I go I was supposed to do with Jim I'm glad he had a kid. I'm glad he's happy and so I took the challenge and I challenged myself to sell Red Rocks I did a lot of promo videos

I had a soft announced because I was in Serbia doing the movie my social media numbers were slowed down because of The way all those countries look at the Eastern Bloc And so they just i was getting like 25 000 views on anything i put up i couldn't and so i had a soft announce for red rocks but when i got back to the states i just hit it hard and i got promo video after promo video i didn't stop thinking i didn't stop working and i went into surgery to get surgery on my elbow from hurting it ripping my tendons off in the movie i went into surgery and i said i'm gonna use this everyone counts this is my way my brain wouldn't just shut off and i said everyone counts backwards when they

go to sleep not me i'm gonna read a promo date i'm gonna be like ladies and gentlemen i'm before red rock september 13th come see me and then right and so i rolled into surgery guys like what music you're gonna listen to i was like ccr baby credence yeah and we went into surgery my arm was numb i dropped the phone one the phone once i threw it up my anesthesiologist is like what are we doing i said i'm doing red rock september 13th october 13th september 3rd whatever september 13th uh i'm gonna be there the night before jimmy buffett i'll be at jimmy buffett he's like you're going to jimmy buffett i go you want to go and he goes i'd love i'd loveett. And he's like, you're going to Jimmy Buffett? I go, you want to go? And he goes, I'd love to go.

And he's like, all right, you're going to feel this. And then all of a sudden I'm like, and I dropped the phone on my chest and I went into surgery. And then I sold out Red Rocks. I sold out Red Rocks and I said it to my team. I want that challenge all the fucking time. Put me in venues. Put me in venues. Give me the opportunity.

I had a change of perception after Red Rocks because I hung out and went to Jimmy Buffett. And we hung out in Red Rocks. That's us at Red Rocks last year. And what was amazing, Theo, is do you remember you'd hear those comics that would be like, don't ask me when I'm going to come to North Carolina. I was just in North Carolina. And they'd blame the fans. And I was like, why are you blaming the fans?

It's your fault they don't know. You're the reason they didn't come to your show. You didn't tell them. The onus is on us as the performer to let our fans know we're coming there. Because they want it. They want it. Like, I have friends in Tampa who are in love with you. They want to see you.

It's your job to let them know. And by the way, that's where we come in. You post it and I go, oh shit, my friends in Tampa want to know. That's why we're, you know, Rogan set up this great workaround of us helping each other out and letting our friends know, oh shit, Dio's coming out. Sam Morrell has a great special on Netflix. It's our job to help bump up Sam. Shang Wang special on Netflix. Oh yeah, it's coming out.

It's our job to help pump up Sam. Shang Wang special on Netflix. Oh, yeah, it's coming out, huh? It's fucking awesome. When your special came out, I must have tweeted about it or texted about it or put it on Instagram three or four times because we all watched it. We were in Austin, and we were fucking laughing hysterically. And that's the job of our community, lift each other up. But it's our job. When I went to Denver and Evergreen and all around Morrison, not one person that was in that city said, what are you doing here? Everyone said, oh, I tried to get tickets to the show.

I couldn't come. Hey, how was the show, Bert? Hey, how was that show? It was amazing. Not one person. We went and looked at Boulder, Colorado for my daughter to go to University of Colorado. All the kids on the campus, how was the show at Red Rocks, Bert?

Shit, I couldn't get the tickets. It was too late. Bert, it sold out before I could get tickets. That's what you want. And so I thought, okay, so if we're talking about promotion, I get promoting is one thing. Promote your tour. That's great. But I'm going to go into every market where there's an available seat, and I will hammer those markets until they sell out or until they start pulling curtains back.

And then they said, I want to do this thing fully loaded. I want to set up with 10 comics. I want to get three tour buses. I want to do outdoor venues. I want to do arenas. I want to do baseball stadiums. I want to do all this. And they were like, these are big tickets.

These are 12,000, 15,000 venues. And I was like, don't worry. I got this. And I challenged myself. I said, I'm going to challenge myself. And I was like, don't worry, I got this. And I challenged myself. I said, I'm gonna challenge myself. And I, and I didn't ask any, they were all great. Every comic that was on was amazing. They helped repost, they helped talk about it. They helped sell tickets. Thank God, Nikki Glaser, Chelsea Lynn, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Dave, Dave Attell, Big J. Oakerson, uh, Fortune Feimster, Dustin Nickerson, Taylor Tomlinson. I, I'm leaving someone. They

all retweeted. They all reposted. They all did special posts. But I said, it's all me. It's my tour. I created this festival. I will fucking, and I've got an editor in the back of my bus. I had another editor. And I put out content daily.

And you watched those people just going, oh, it's just commercials. It's just commercials. And we set record attendance in a ton of places. That was a cheat code because, you know, technically a baseball stadium can't sit people on the infield. Right. So we set record attendance. But, you know, whatever. That counts.

But I looked at – and so that challenge when I did Red Rocks the first time, it changed the way I work. So I went, I want to prove it to myself. I want to go bigger. I want to, I want, I want to prove it to myself. I want to, I want to go bigger. I want to go harder. And so I just don't shut my brain off for standup and I don't shut my brain off for promotion. And I don't do a lot of television shows because it shifts the way you look at things. I love podcasts and I have things, I have a list of things I talk about on podcasts.

I think I love doing a podcast. I thought about stuff I wanted to talk to you today about. And I, and I love that energy of going, I get to hang out with, with a guy who everyone that's watching right now, everyone that would love to sit down with for an hour and a half, everyone watching would love that opportunity. And by the way, I'm a fan. Also, I watch you all the time. So I'm excited. So literally it's like, if like if you said anyone what do you want to talk to theo about you're like i know what i want to talk about and i write it on a list on my phone i go to do rogan i write it on this what's fun getting the opportunity to do rogan yeah that's

enjoyable yeah it's crazy it's like getting to surf with pro surfers yeah i mean i even wrote today and you he looks you amazing he makes you look amazing yeah you know and so so i think i'm very blessed i don't look at any of it as work i just go like yeah man i'll fucking push it till the wheels come off and they'll come off they'll come off there'll be a time where i'm like i don't know man i don't know maybe i'll just die look i died in a plane crash they never came off i just died i'll be a fucking legend you died in a plane crash yeah tour bus accident not as much i so. I think that plane crash. People respect that 25,000 feet you went through.

Yeah. You know? And then wondering what he was doing the whole time on the way down. I'll tell you what. Standing up, drinking Jack Daniels, going, fuck it. If it's your time to go, it's your time to go. And I'm cranking up Freebird, Leonard Skinner. If I leave here tomorrow some people

would chime in dude and i'm hoping i'm hoping that that coward buckled into the back yeah tells that story man he went down as ronnie van zandt went down like that fucking freebird the plane's going down and he just ronnie put your seatbelt on stands up bolla jack if it's your time to go it's your time to go now in hindsight if you want to see probably probably survive but but that's true yeah i mean yeah definitely because i think everyone lived but him but uh do you uh haven't done uh i know you did your movie um do you think because bobby and i just got offered a television show right and so it's like the reality the time

commitment and everything is huge though yeah I would do I would do another movie I would I like that time commitment I like that I have like a couple projects lined up I would do another movie I really enjoy that process I have to be a producer on the movie and a creative

part I can't just I can't a creative part. I can't just, I can't be an actor. Yeah. I can't just sit, hire me and I need to be a part of the team that helps make the thing make, make it good, make it funny. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. Um, I like giving notes to other actors too. Uh, like I really enjoy that. I like the process of making something. It's really cool.

Um, I would do a scripted single camera. Um, and that's it. A scripted single camera, and that's it. A scripted single camera television show. I'd do a multi-cam, like a sitcom. I think I'd really – I'll tell you this. I'm putting this out there.

I'll sell out and do like a legit, cheesy, kind of bad multi-cam. If you give me like 15 years, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If they committed to 15 years, you mean? By the way, all they got to do is make a film. Oh, you mean 15 if you tell me like you tell me like I could get I'm using bad examples but like if you tell me I can get a like a just a regular sitcom where it's like a Bird has a cow or whatever It's called you know and then every I have like a cow that I talked to and I he like sticks his head in the kitchen When it was a very bird yeah, I'm like what's up Mr. Cow he's like you're gonna have a rough day today yeah I was

like really and he's like I think you should talk to your wife she was up cleaning the dishes last night really upset and I was like you're the only one that I'm the only one that can hear you right he's like that's right I'll be in the backyard and then my wife comes in she's like how you doing I go I'm just helping with these dishes. Oh, yeah. Secret cow. Yeah, like that would be, I'd do that show. Called Having a Cow or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't have a cow.

Oh, that's it. Don't have a cow. And then I got a cow that maybe no one sees. And it's in India, too, when they're like, the cows are gods there. Ooh, and all my, dude, I'm so attracted to Indian women. Oh, yeah. And so I have an Indian wife, Indian children. I live in India.

Hello, husband. Husband? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be great. You want some spice? Yeah. Oh, I love Indian food, too. You got a little sprinklet in your fucking mouth, huh? But I'm the only one that can see the cow.

I'd do that. By the way, if you're a screenwriter and you want to write that up, I'll do that. It's a coming a heartbeat. You'll do it. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine what the second season would be, but I think the first season would be fucking good, you know? I'd go vegan.

Ooh. Yeah. I'd go vegan and the cow's like, this is what I'm talking about. Yeah. Do you like acting? I just did a part in a movie with bobby and it was fun man it was nice because i knew the amount of time commitment okay that's where i get fucked up that was a big thing like like i'd gotten all to do that movie with chris pratt a couple years ago where he gave me a part and that it was i got there and got to read the

script and i saw i didn't have a lot of and it was was 12 weeks. I was like, I can't do – it was too much for me to commit to. Okay. This was only 12 days. Okay. So I was like, oh, I can handle this. How do you feel? This is – I'm probably outing myself as like – as not a team player. But how do you feel when like a PA goes, just go to your trailer.

I'll get you in when we need you. Does that bother you? Oh, I like going into that trailer. Oh, I can't stand it. I want to be on set. Really? And I go, I'll just be on set. And they're like, actually, we can't have you on set.

And I go, actually, I'll hire on the fucking call sheet than you are. Actually, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want. Actually, I busted my ass for fucking 25 years to get to this point. And you have just have an older brother who got you this job. and you don't even know what the fuck you want to do. Sometimes I feel like that. Oh, yeah. I think, well, that's the problem with going to do acting is you have to be under somebody else's like jurisdiction and their thoughts and feelings. And then it's their words.

And it's like, like this movie, this, this movie I did was just, it was a friend of mine who had written it. He knew me and it was like if i couldn't communicate with him as clearly as i wanted to if there was any like he really expressed like a real like ownership i would invite i couldn't do that wait did you meet chris pratt yeah i met chris pratt what's he like oh it's super nice i think that's what jesus would have looked like nice and clean clean. Oh, yeah. Right? He looked clean, man. I bet he smells good. I didn't really smell him. I partied with his ex-wife once.

Really? Yeah. I didn't smell him, but he was really nice, really affable. And I felt kind of bad about leaving because it was such a neat opportunity. What was the movie?

Jurassic Park? It was called Tomorrowland. Tomorrow War. Oh. Has that been out? It's been out, yeah. It came out during the pandemic. What was called Tomorrowland, Tomorrow War. Oh, that just, has that been out? It's been out, yeah. It came out during the pandemic. Well, what's tough about you, in my opinion,

is I'm sure people try to write for you and put you into something and then go, I got Theo's voice. But your voice is so authentic and so kind of comedically swaggered in any attempt to write for you is just is almost like a parody of you if that makes sense

like if you try to write for Mitch Hedberg you'd be like hey man I'm high as fuck and you're like well that's not Mitch Hedberg Mitch never talked about like you know right he just was who he was yeah and so like it's it's hard to

write for your perspective that's why i think it would be tough to like write for you but that's why it makes sense that what you enjoy is collaborating and being like i'm gonna put i'm gonna put my spin on it yeah me and spade just wrote a movie together david so yeah i gotta call did i tell you i had a dream about him yeah you told me about that i gotta call him so maybe uh so that's been exciting to me because it's thinking like, oh, well, I already know what's going to happen. Is it called Spade in Manhattan? It's called, it's about being bus boys. Oh, for real?

Yeah. It's about adult male bus boys. David Spade's one of the coolest motherfuckers. He's funny. He is like. fuckers he's funny he is like you know man that generation of snl guys how were they so much funnier than what is on like how was like kevin neal and like how are they why is there such a different level of their like improbability do you feel like i i was thinking of that today i was you know i was thinking i wonder if david Spade ever looked at me and goes,

wow, my best friend was the biggest influence on this guy. Like this guy loved, like I loved Farley. Farley showed us a way to be funny when you didn't know how to be funny. You didn't know how to be comfortable with yourself. He just showed you that being large, being, being, being, being vulnerable, this like, he really, honestly, like, I wonder how often he goes into a comedy club and goes, well, this guy was a big, my best friend was a big influence on this guy. My other best friend was a big influence on this guy. I mean, how much of us, like you look at Shane Gillis, you go

huge influence on Shane Gillis is Norm Macdonald, right? Norm Macdonald's a big influence on all of us. One of Spade's best friends. I mean, like, Spade's, and he's so cool. You know, and I fucked up this interview with Adam Sandler really bad. I don't know if you ever saw it. It was bad. Not as bad as that Greg Louganis one you did. Nope.

That was just fucking pretty cool, dude. Here, pound me up, bro. That shit was fucking pretty good. You made me laugh the hardest that day in your tribute to Amelia Earhart. That's the hardest I ever laughed. Well, that chick gets all this clout that bitch went missing. You know what I'm saying, bro? She didn't even do her job.

Well, that's what I'm just saying. It's like going to a restaurant, and you're like, this is the best job ever. And then it's 11 o'clock, you go, is the meal coming? And then he left. chef ever and then it's 11 o'clock he goes the meal coming like he left oh if that was a dude no one would talk about it wouldn't say a word oh that was a dude no one would talk about it wouldn't say a word man yeah he didn't land it yeah he didn't land it oh yeah ronnie fucked up that's all they would say. Ronnie fucked up. But they let her.

They just, you know, it's that Title IX thing, man. That's Title IX. God, dude. No, I fucked up that Sandler interview so bad. What happened? Had you met him? No, I never met him. I never met him.

Had you met him? No, I never met him. I never met him. And obviously Adam Sandler, David Spade, Norm MacDonald, Chris Rock, Chris Farley. That generation, their thumbprint's forever on me. Chris Rock's stand-up, Bring the Pain. Yeah, he's my favorite. It is the thing I watched where I said, I want to do that. I'll never do that, but that's what I strive for.

That strut he had on stage, the fucking zap. I mean, everything was like a bullwhip. Ska! Like, jaw! And it was so jarring, so amazing. And then Sandler, the way he developed all these great movies that just spoke. The price is wrong, bitch. Yeah.

You can do it! Like, all these, like, just a way to take wrong, bitch. Yeah. You can do it. Like all these, like just a way to take like your inside jokes with your friends and make them inside jokes with the world. And then, you know, Spade was such, Spade, Norm, Dennis Miller, a little older, but like Kevin Nealon, all these guys, they were just so influential on my sensibility. So Whitney hit me up and said, hey, you know, it's a pandemic. She's like, yo, I'm doing an interview with Adam Sandler you want

to come by my house and if you want she's like I would love some help interviewing Sandler you know he's such a fucking star so if you could just come and we'll figure something out for her podcast no no no for comedy gives back we're raising money for comics that need money for the pandemic so I go over to Whitney's backyard I kind

of fuck around in the backyard. I'm messing around. I'm on YouTube. I'm doing whatever just to make it fun, make it interactive. And then she goes to interview Sandler. She said, come on in. We're going to interview Sandler. And I got, my heart was racing. And then he just pops up on the screen.

He's like, hey. And Whitney's like, Adam, I'm here with Burt Kreiser. And he's like, OK. and when he's like Adam I'm here with Bert Chrysler and he's like okay and I went full fucking moron dolphin full full full baby walrus like just like wha and I talked for about 10 minutes he I don't think he said a word and I just said everything wrong you talked for 10 minutes I said do you have Netflix and Whitney's like huh and Adams like I'm sure in his head He was like well. I just I ran water was do you have Netflix?

I can't wait to see your new movie precious gems. That's not the name of it I just showed my daughters, and I sat and watched happy Madison. That's name. It was production company not the movie we watched Hey, you want to hear a cool story about when I was in college? And he's like, huh? And I was like, when I was 22 years old, I got voted by the number one party animal in the country. You ever told him that whole story? I did, Theo.

I did all of it. I did all of it. Sorry, man. I vomited. I vomited. And, Theo, I thought it went well. I was like, nailed it. That's alcoholism.

Left Whitney's going, ka-ching, you need the closer? Bring in the closer. You, Adam Sandler's probably going, who the fuck is this Burt Kreiser guy? Sign him to a deal. Covert, get Kreiser on the line. This guy's hot. We need him. First person to call me was Big J. Oakerson.

And he goes, hey, man, just letting you know, we're going to trash you. And I went, huh? He's like, we're on the Zoom next and we are crying laughing. And I go, oh what? And he goes, that Sandler interview. I go, good, huh? And he goes, good.

He goes, you asked him if he had Netflix. I go, do you think he doesn't? And he goes, Bert, he has a $300 million deal at Netflix. He definitely has Netflix. I went, huh? He's like, you called his movie Precious Gems. I go, that's not the name. He goes, no, it's Uncut Gems. He's like, you named the movie Happy Madison.

It's Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, Bert. We are going, you didn't let him talk. It's the biggest movie star in the world and you didn't let him talk. And I went, I just started going like, is that bad? And he goes, we're going online right now. We're going to trash you. And hung up and I went, huh? And then my buddy, my buddy Mike Epps. No, no, no. Does podcasts mind right now we're gonna trash you and hung up and i went huh and then my buddy my buddy mike um

epps no no nope uh does podcast with greg like valentine no anyway uh mike mike god damn it he's he does the podcast with martin does a podcast with greg fitzsimmons they do sunday papers uh oh mike uh vettione no anyway he calls me and he goes that fucking Sandler interviews epic like I told him I go have you seen my new special my sessile just dropped It's called it's called hey big boy ass sailor that dude I was I was out of control. I was out of house don't sober stones over out of control So this why spades a cool dude, right? Unprovoked I get a fucking you know spade sometimes voice text oh yeah and he's like kreischer fucking sandler interview is epic and i'm like i'm in bed going the next day going i'm

gonna i'm gonna have a drink today this is the fucking worst day of my life yeah this is his annex day and he goes hey man i talked to sandler he just watched your special he fucking loved it dude he loved you you're the best we all love you don't sweat it and i was like and like by the way didn't need to do that right didn't need to do that didn't need to leave that message didn't need to let me know hey don't worry about it you didn't fuck it up that bad and then i signed a deal with uh happy madison to do a movie wow yeah so like everything worked out great like happy madison uh pitched a movie i think yeah yeah yeah and then uh signed up to do a movie so everything's like everything worked out fine.

But like, man, that interviews. You can find it online. Yeah, I can't wait to watch that when I get home. It's cringy. I might even watch it in the car, dude. Yeah. I'll tell you this. I went to Spade.

I ran out of gas the other day. I was going over to Spade's to write. He brought me gas. Really? He's a nice guy. Yeah, he's to Space to Write. He brought me gas. Really? He's a nice guy. Yeah, he's a really nice guy. He is. How much money do you think he has?

He's got a big heart. I'll say a name. Tell me if he has more than or less than that name. Okay. Okay. Bernie Schaub. More than. Rosie O'Donnell.

Less than. Rosie O'Donnell. Less than. Because she went pretty she was like on the Beto O'Rourke. Beto O'Rourke. Probably more than. More than. Hunter Biden.

Probably of his own money, Spade. Yeah. I don't know. What do you think those guys? I mean, I don't know. I think Spade's got $25 million. That's what I was going to say. He's had a number of very successful movies.

Yeah. He's on sitcoms. Oh, I bet he's got way more. He was on sitcoms forever he did that when he did um a sitcom for a long time yeah no i think that's dude i'll tell you this story so i went with owen benjamin right okay to he took me to a happy madison party right i've never been before and this when vap vaping marijuana had just come out. People were vaping it.

And I thought it was a cigarette. I hadn't seen the vaping marijuana. I had just seen the vaping cigarette. So I'm out there smoking with somebody out front. I think it was like Dave Beck. Somebody had like a vaping cigarette. I don't even remember who it was. I couldn't tell you what Dave Beck looks like.

I could probably draw him for you, but actually I'm not even that good at drawing. I know Dave Beck so well. I know that draw him for you, but I actually am not even that good at drawing. I know Dave Becky so well. Like, I know that name. I know that. I know who he is. But I've never seen him in person. That's Louis C.K.

That's Dave Becky? That's Dave Becky? It might not even be Dave Becky I'm talking about. I think I've met that guy. I might be talking about the wrong guy. Okay, keep going. So anyway, I take a hit off this cigarette. I didn't know it was weed so i go into the party and i start meeting people from the adam sandler movies

oh and bro i didn't know that i had smoked weed and i hadn't really i'd probably been in hollywood maybe three years maybe yeah so i start meeting these dude, and I start losing my fucking mind. And I start thinking I can't handle meeting famous people. Oh, for real? Like I can't. The more people I meet, the weirder I feel. I can't even be in this city. Like this is my first time meeting famous people. Because it is hard.

You've got to learn how to meet famous people. And the weed was hitting me. I didn't know it was weed. Yeah. So I'm feeling high. I just didn't realize it. Really? So I'm feeling like fucked up.

And I'm like, oh man, when I meet famous people, I just, I feel fucked up. I can't live like this in this city. But if I meet fucking Mark Wahlberg, I'll fucking take my own life or something, you know? Like I just didn't know how bad it was gonna get I saw Mark Wahlberg when I first moved to Hollywood walking down Sunset Boulevard With a white t-shirt over his shoulder Like I want to say a Yankees cap on or something or a Boston cap on Jeans just fucking strutting down right past him. I was like Marky Mark, and he's like nah No way yeah, maybe it wasn't him, and that's that's why that guy said no but i

thought it was him that's when he was changing his whole mystique i think so yeah he had the crucifixitude on his chest and everything i got scared i ended up dancing with sierra once on the dance floor yeah she's a musician really and um and i got nervous and uh i was too stoned and i had to go sit out my my car. I got nervous. I had a meeting at Happy Madison when I was a kid, you know, young in this business, and I just got nervous being in the building because I thought I might run into Adam Sandler.

It was back when I think they were on like the Sony lot or something, and I think they were in Culver city and i there was like a basketball hoop outside and i thought i was hoping i'd run into nicks i knew nick worked with them so if i was hoping that i'd run into nick they were like oh burt let me introduce you adam and i'd be like oh cool and then i'd be like what's up adam and he'd be like oh dude you're fucking hilarious oh by the way i wasn't i didn't especially at the time i wasn't i don't even know if i am now and so i went in and took the meeting with one of his, one of his development execs. And the guy goes, it's a great pitch.

He goes, why do you want Adam to do it? And I went, I just want to make it. And he goes, can I give you some advice? I said, yeah. And he goes, focus on your career. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, write the movie for yourself. Make the movie for yourself.

You should do it yourself. He goes, if Adam was sitting here, he'd go, it's a great idea. You should do it. And I go, yeah. And he goes, that's how he did his career. You need to focus on your career. You need to work on yourself, it's a great idea. You should do it. And I go, yeah. And he goes, that's how he did his career. You need to focus on your career. You need to work on yourself. It's a great pitch.

And he's like, I mean, I guess we'd buy it if you're done doing things for yourself. But like, you're a comic. Like, you should do it for yourself. I went, okay. And nothing happened to it. I sold it. I think I sold it to Disney with Will Smith attached. Well, Nick Cannon was attached, but Will Smith was going to it. I think I sold it to Disney with Will Smith attached. Nick Cannon was attached, but Will Smith was going to produce.

Would you take a break now and do a television show, or you're saying you would do one down the line? I wouldn't take a break. I can't. So not take a break. But if you do a TV show, it's just the time commitment. You have to scale. You can't work 12 hours a day.

Yeah, I wouldn't. I couldn't. So you couldn't do it now? I have huge chunks. Europe, Australia booked out for next year. I have a huge chunk in between that and then a big run at the end. And, yeah, I couldn't do it you know i've also i've often thought to stop doing specials um because that that process of doing specials can be a tad bit

overwhelming because i'm a little bit obsessive about putting out a good special and i yeah and i mean i watch everyone's special watch everyone's special for two reasons i want to see if they have if i've if i'm stepping on anyone's material and i and i like to see how people do things you know i'll i'm gonna pay you a compliment i hope you're cool with this but like you you i learned a lot watching your special and i learned what i don't do sometimes is what you're so brilliant at and i'll never be as good as you but i can work harder on what i don't do and what i don't do is i don't really tell you the characters sometimes. I just start telling the story hoping you know the characters. You set up, you paint a picture of a character or a scenario you're about to hear so brilliantly, so brilliantly that I literally, I remember being on the fucking road driving a two bears, one cave in an Escalade with my whole team. And I was like, listen to what he fucking does.

Like I'm playing it back on. This is like, this is like, there's no one better than you. You can set up a story so brilliantly where I go, I want to hear that. My problem is I just start telling the story sometimes. I go, I need to work on creating the characters, being in the moment, being slower. I think because I tell sometimes 13-minute stories, I just start going let's go let's go let's go thanks for the thanks

for the compliment man it's really sweet of you i'm envious of the way that you i feel like i have to catch up to you sometimes and it's that's more fun i feel like i feel like your style is so much more fun it's like here i am in the middle of the fucking action like with me it's like I feel like your style is so much more fun. It's like, here I am in the middle of the fucking action. Like with me, it's like, I feel like you have to go to boot camp. You need to shine your shoes. You have to go to bed and get up early with you. I feel like I fucking open my eyes and I am on Normandy fucking beach. And who knows what is going to happen?

That's the best compliment I've ever gotten. I am right there in the shit. That's a great compliment. You always seem very present, man. And that's one thing that I really admire. the shit that's a great compliment you always seem very present man and that's one thing that i really admire i think that's why i take my shirt off is so that i remind myself that it's supposed to be fun like that's why i did it the first time would you ever go fully nude do you think yeah i would have you thought about it no no yeah yeah i have there's a show that's fully nude anything in new york and uh i would definitely do it i

have no problem being naked i don't even have a good dick would you wash up first or not uh i'd probably trim up i wouldn't trim up i don't know what i'd do i wouldn't wash up would you wax your butt uh-uh i wouldn't see them oh they would see my butt in my current oh they would unless you walk off the stage backwards like that you could do that walk on the stage and walk out like a hostage i've had hair on my butt dude so i like if i was with a chick I would always walk out backwards out of the room. You mean on your butt cheeks? Yeah. Oh, I don't have hair on my butt cheeks.

Not a bunch, but almost like this, but without the little prongs. Yeah. I have a lot of hair on my asshole. Ooh. Yeah. And so I wonder if you can see it. My ass is starting to look sad. I have a great ass.

I take that back. It's looking better. I think because I've been running a lot, it looks better. When I was gaining weight weight my ass looks sad like i got a i did a video of me naked and it just didn't look right and i went i was getting old man ass and now i'm back running and lifting and doing deadlifts i think my ass is back yeah i took a video of my ass in hawaii and it looked good looked It looked really good. How nice is Hawaii? It's the best place in the world. You know what I did?

I'll tell you. I don't really share this with a lot of people because it does sound a little... Braggadocio, you think? No, no, no, no, no. Not at all. Not at all. I even feel bad saying I go to Hawaii. Oh, I feel bad that people have never been to Hawaii.

I actually said to my wife, we stayed at Turtle Bay. It was fucking gorgeous. Yeah. And I said, you know what? I'm bummed. I have a lot of great experiences in life. One of my favorite experiences is taking my daughters to Hawaii, taking them into the ocean, letting them get snorkels

and go a little deeper than they're comfortable, watching them get scared and as their dad taking care of them i love hawaii it's the greatest place on the planet it's set up that aloha energy is like hello but it's also like get the fuck out like and so that's that's the whole it's this and by the way their whole economy is set up so that you have the greatest time you've ever had so that you tell your friends it's amazing. It's amazing. Shaved ice, there's nothing better to put in your mouth. And so I bet if you put

condensed milk on a dick, I'd love sucking dick. And you ice it up. You have to get a cold dick. Yeah, yeah. I ain't sucking no warm dick. That is... It's either hot dick or cold dick, but lukewarm.

So I set a goal. It doesn't sound braggadocious. What I'm saying is I'm very vulnerable. Okay. So I was 265. No, I've never... Maybe I've said this. I don't know if I've said it.

Did you feel fat at that weight? I've... No. I love that. I didn't even notice I was fat. Like, it just... I'd catch a picture and I'd be like, woo. Or, like, I had a hard time we had a new couch and I had a hard time

Like getting up like it would just like this would be like you're not going anywhere Yeah, it was like a big brother sitting on your chest going fuck off and so So I I've wanted to surf I've wanted to surf I surfed as a little bit as a kid But like as an adult I thought this would be a cool thing to be able to do, to be able to get a surfboard, go to the beach, and for two hours just burn like 1,000 calories of fun, of fun. Yeah. Paddling, and just it would be fun.

And I was like, and to glide on the wave. I've only done it a few times, but that feeling of gliding on top of the ocean with just the ocean pushing, it's very, it's a lot like riding. Like a horseback. Yeah. So I said at 265, we tried a couple times to get surf lessons, and I could not, I couldn't physically get from laying on my stomach to on my feet in enough time that I needed to get up on the board. And so I said, I made a goal. When we took time off, I said I'm going to lose weight.

I'm going to lose enough weight so that I can go to Hawaii. So I booked a trip to Hawaii for me and my daughter, my assistant, my cameraman, and my sister. Those two because we were all flying. We had to go straight to tour. So I booked a trip for all five of us at Turtle Bay. I went to Turtle Bay because Jamie O'Brien has a surf school. I follow Jamie O'Brien on YouTube. I know the guy's legit. i know that he makes surfing fun and i kind of knew and i hit up like a couple guys like nathan florence and i was like yeah that surf school is pretty good

yeah it's good break it's easy break and those guys are fucking awesome you're gonna have a blast wow so i didn't i didn't hit up jamie i didn't tell him like yo i'm coming to your service i wanted to pay for it because I wanted to do it. Right. I wanted to pay for it so that I could do it so that if I needed more time, I didn't feel rushed. So I bought surf school set lessons on the first two days we were there for two hours for me, my sister, my daughter, my cameraman, and my assistant.

No cameras. Just all we're going to do is learn how to surf. And for two months, every day day i did a few exercises i did this rev balance board to try to get work on my balance but more importantly i would do planks for a minute and i would do pop-ups like burpee pop-ups yeah to try to get to the place where i could get my fat fucking piece of shit body off the ground like just literally i would every morning just do like 10 pop-ups and just try to get up. Well, getting your knees up to your stomach, that's the tough part.

And I had to lose weight to get to that level. Get that carriage on you. Yeah. So I got down to 245, which is 20 pounds. Very nice. 20 pounds less. Very nice. And I'm in really good shape right now, but it was two weeks ago.

So I was in really good shape right now. But it was two weeks ago. So I was in really good shape going in. I hadn't drank in like 12 days or something. But not for any reason. Just because like. Because I went to Mark Norman's bachelor party. And I was like I need a fucking break. And so I went into Hawaii. And that first day.

First wave they pushed me into. I fucking bust ass. And then I sat in the water. And I went this is not going to be my trip yeah i was like i will i as as much as like a little boy in a fucking 49 year old man's body i said let's focus let's take our time we're gonna get this so i went back my uh my surf instructor uh i fuck his name up it's i k i a no it's i. No, it's I-K-I-K-I. I-K-I maybe.

I-K-A-I-K-A is how you say it. Ikaika. Ikaika. It's Ikaika. He said, hey, man, take your time. Ikaika. It's German, isn't it? No, it's very Hawaiian.

Oh, it is? Yeah, yeah. You were thinking Ikea. I don't know what I was thinking. That's Swedish. Oh, yeah. And so he goes, hey, man, arch for a little bit longer and take your time. So he pushes me into a big wave and I arch.

I take a breath. I'm moving now. And then I just very slowly get up to my knees, slide my feet around, stood up, and I was fucking surfing. And I'm telling you, I had very few like moments of like accomplishment and it sounds crazy to say because I feel like I've done a lot but like where you go hey man I fucking busted my ass in the gym for two months I did the work so that I could do this and I'm doing it and I fucking surf that wave all the way to that next buoy and I

I turn around my daughter's cheering for me my daughter's cheering for me. My sister's cheering for me. Akaika is like, that's right. You did it. You did it. And I surfed for two days, four hours. The waves got shitty after that. But four hours I had of just being in the water surfing. And I loved it so much. Now, granted, if I want to go surfing in L.A., I need Akaika to come out here and push me into waves and coach me.

And be like, arch, arch, arch. On your knees. On your knees. Front foot. Back foot. Bend down. You're fucking, oh, god damn it. Like, I need him. Like, I'm not that good. But I had a fucking blast.

And it was something I wanted to do. I wanted to do it. I wanted, it's like, you know, wait, Rogan, you watch him take up these hobbies. He sucked at archery when he started, I'm sure. But he was like, I want to be an archer. So you need that moment of vulnerability. hobbies he sucked at archery when he started i'm sure but he was like i want to be a archer so you need that moment of vulnerability i'm not saying i'm gonna be a surfer but like you need that vulnerability right where you're saying i'm not gonna be yeah you need to crawl and it's so when

you when you're at a place in your life where you don't need to crawl a lot you go i could just go do the road i'll do this i'll do podcasts i'll do i don't i'll go ride a bike i'll go to the gym i don't need to crawl in front of people It's embarrassing to being fat in the water Having a guy 20 years younger than you'd be like looking at you so you big animals coming by yeah, buddy Yeah, and so uh so I went surfing Hawaii. It's fucking awesome. Fuck. It's really great. Yeah, there's something magical about it, man Yeah, if me and Bobby do a TV show we talked about maybe trying to shoot it in Hawaii That would be the goal. If you need a guest star some fat guy who fails a lot I'll do it just that it's a big time commitment you know that's the thing I mean it's a blessing that opportunity Oh doing Bobby would be fun you know Bobby living in

Hawaii I Bobby I Bobby in on my first episode of something's burning yeah oh yeah it just came out just came out today I did one with Andrew Santino back then made tacos by the way that's that's when i met really met andrew santino for the first time yeah i never really knew andrew i knew of him and stuff but i never really hung out with him he's fucking interesting man he seems like he's living a great fucking life yeah every he's in everything he's a great fucking actor great comic but every time you see him he's like on the back of a boat with a fucking celebrity we're playing golf with a fucking celebrity we're like doing like cool fun active shit and he's in good shape he drinks but he's not like he drinks like a regular person because he'll get loose but

then he's like i got shit to do he stays active man yeah he stays real active for a redhead too i know they're not supposed to be active well you know they stopped doing their sperm at the sperm banks a while back. No. They quit collecting red-headed semen. Are you serious? Oh, if I was Andrew Santino, I'd get a wig. Yeah. And get in there.

And a fake mustache. And just fucking do it for your race. Yeah. Do it for your people. Red October 2. Just all October go to sperm banks and just bust. Oh. Ugh.

It comes out pink. You know that? Red-headed semen. Oh, don't and just bust oh oh it comes out pink you know that red head oh i don't even tell me comes out pink you know that one dude but i think he was sick oh dude um i wonder what's gonna happen with tiger belly if bobby's gonna be because if they split up i think they're split up but they're still co-hosts of the same podcast i wonder if that's gonna get strange or not. I think about that sometimes. I can tell you what I'd do. Burn it to the ground. Burn it to the ground.

Bad friends. 100% bad friends. 100% bad friends. I'd be fucking, I'm not as, I'm pretty shallow. If I was in that situation, I was, if I, I don't know.

I wouldn't be fun to work with. Really? I would not. I would be drinking all the time. If you were the spouse, you mean? If Leanne and I had a podcast. I'd do Leanne's podcast every now and then. But if Leanne and I had a podcast and I don't know all the things that people know.

I don't know everything. I don't know what. Yeah, I don't know either. things that people know. I don't know everything. I don't know what I know. Yeah, I don't know either. I know what I know, so I don't want to say too much because I don't know what everyone knows, but I know what I know, and I know that if I was in that situation of splitting up and... Yeah, could you still work together?

And I don't know what everyone knows, but it seems, in my opinion, I don't know if Bobby didn't want to be with her if she didn't want to be with Bobby But regardless if I was in Bobby situation and that was Leigh-ann I'd be like I Would not be as and I and I love Kyla. She's awesome But I I just I know if I was Bobby I wouldn't be the funnest dude to be around Yeah, I mean every episode would be about how my feelings every episode would be

about my feelings yeah but how i feel oh this is my house how this is my well that's i just it's gonna be interesting but maybe that could be cool for people it could be like a real soap opera it could be it could be but i don't think it's good for bobby's mental health yeah that's crazy kalilah's mental health yeah that's what i wonder it's like what how does something it's like when you split up, how do you stay working together? Some people do it. You've got to be a bigger man than me. I'm just not that big of a man.

I'm very sensitive. I'm very vindictive. Meaning when it comes to feelings. There's moms in our friend circle that I'll never give a second chance to. That fucking hurt my daughter or said shit about my wife. There's dads I'll never give a second chance to. They don't know it. I do it behind their back because I'm fucking hateful.

It doesn't happen in the biz i mean sure i'm sure it's happened in the business usually people hate me like i don't hate people like i have a couple people that hate my guts and you just gotta go all right whatever i don't care but like i i don't i'm not the best at like i'm not the best at at like navigating those moments kind of like if something gets kind of very emotional like tom will tom could tell anyone right now and we've said it on two bears uh i get my feelings hurt very easily over very stupid stuff the dumbest stuff in the world my feelings get hurt and tom knows it and like there's certain things like the dumbest things to you like if we have a dinner party like where i sit sometimes can hurt my feelings. Wow.

And so, and so, and I, and I, like if they sit you at an end or something or they don't sit, like, say, say like you and Brendan have a dinner party,

right? You bring chicks and, and then you have all these guys here and they bring chicks and you invite me and Leanne. I expect to sit near you guys, right? Like, and so if all of a sudden everyone's in, it could a real accident like every you guys sit in the corner and then these

guys all sit around you and then me and leanne at the end i'll become a nightmare like i'll just i'll be like i'll but internally you won't know it at the time but then all of a sudden i'll start like yeah i'll be like so why do you work with this fucking guy with the beard and you're like what i'm like i don't know man it's got glasses on do you want a guy with glasses that can't see the screen like that i mean fuck what you know like and and it'll show up it'll rear its head it's it it 100 happened within with the dove it 100 happened within dove and tom witnessed it happen and it was little things said to me the wrong way i would take very personally. Yeah, I think we're such trapped kids as comedians, you know?

I have to get past it, and I have to learn. I have to literally go. Everyone that listens to Two Bears knows that it happened with Nadav. It happened when we first started working together. first started working together i i did not feel like i was a partner in the situation internally because of weird things like not in the dog would say that he was oblivious to right but i would read wrong like and and or maybe he'd say something and it would come up with too much energy and i'll be like who the fuck do you like think? And Tom saw it very early and he was like, hey, man, I know you. It's not what you think. But I was already there.

I was already in the fucking well of blood just fucking pouring on me. Let me climb out. Let me climb out. I'll savage and kill everyone. So I wouldn't do well with it. Suck off an aorta, bro. I would not do well on that wow so but whenever you get in those moments and you have these films are you able to like

start the conversation when somebody say this is kind of what's going on or do you get stuck in this in that boiling i get stuck in the boiling yeah i guess sometimes sometimes i'm stuck in the boiling right now over one person really yeah in the boiling in the podcast universe not really i mean kind of but not really I mean no no I mean yes it's a woman it's over so yeah I have to I have to learn i'll talk to leanne about it i'm in therapy um better help shout out to better help oh yeah totally dude uh that's good he's promo code burning the uh the but i have to i have to work through it i've had it bad and you're able to

call them and talk to them about it or no i tried i yeah yeah yeah yeah some people yeah some people i had an issue with one dude and uh and i him, and we texted back and forth. I didn't actually have an issue with the dude. The dude had an issue with me, and I was like, I want to end this. I want to get past this. There's some people I have written off, and I don't think of them. I just wrote them off, and I was like, that was a big thing my wife taught me, is that some people are just dead to you. You just got to go, oh, you're dead to me. I can't be your friend. The thing you do is a little toxic and it fucks me up and I just need to stop. Right.

It's just not the best relationship. It's not the best relationship for me and I don't want it for me. Yeah. And then there's people you want to have a relationship with and that's the ones we're talking about. Well, you want to have a relationship with but they hurt you. And because you're hurt, I end up just laying in bed and ruminating. It's called – is it ruminating or it's where you repeat the thought over and over and over again of how you have the conversation? There's been

moms that parents have gave my kid alcohol that I just to this day burn it to the fucking ground. When I found that I was like what the fuck? You know because there's cool parents who are like you guys can drink at my house. Yeah that's insane. Thank you. Leads to leads to molestation leads to people getting pregnant kids fucking outside

thank you that and because i'm the guy that drinks on stage with his shirt off and parties and i thought you'd be cool with it are you out of of your fucking mind? Hey, I also fuck my wife. I don't want you fucking my kid. Like, the fuck? Yeah. Dude, I remember I got a blowjob one time behind like a real small tree, right? This girl invited me behind a small tree. And we were young and pretty dumb. And we got busted, man.

Really? Yeah, and it was like just because there's no way to really hide behind it, you know? Wait, how old were you? Probably 13, 14 it you know wait how old were you probably 13 14 you know wow that's up early you get a blow job at a party it was so dumb it literally the tree was like this wide and we're like you know doing a you know getting a blow job done and the parents showed up and and that's what happens when kids drink at houses man yeah oh yeah i mean kids drink when you drink and your your crotch comes out like that's what like the first that's the that's the point of drinking yeah it's like it's like i'm not drinking to fucking learn more about you know yeah my daughter's not drinking my daughter's not drinking

because she has ticket sales and in alaska she Yeah, my daughter's not drinking. My daughter's not drinking because she has ticket sales and in Alaska she needs to move. She's not drinking because her numbers are low in Lubbock. They're fucking, she's drinking because she wants, they want to party. They want to fucking, fucking suck a duck. Yeah. Fucking, they're not, she's not drinking because

her wife wants to buy another house. They're fucking. Is that, okay, that's double. I'm like, what am I in a stroke? Right above – okay, that's double. I'm like, what am I doing? That's your name. A stroke? Right above my name, that's double print. That's like overlap.

Oh, yeah, double print. Yeah, and so like I'll ruminate over stuff like that. But I've gotten better. Therapy really helps because you've got to let the shit go. Oh, yeah, man. It's hard. And especially you've got to realize other people are just living their lives. A lot of times they don't even know what they're doing.

Like it's old wounds that we attach to like new things that happen man oh it's been i've been down that road you know we've all been there yeah it's it's uh i feel i feel like uh i i said to my wife i i i said to my wife very vocally a few months ago i was like i need to like double up on therapy she's like what's going on and i was like i don't know i think i'm i think i'm starting a midlife crisis like i like the feelings of turning 50 um like is it fear like what do you mean um no i just started realizing certain things i started realizing like actualizing certain things going like, shit, man. Like, you know, Tim Dillon said something very, very insightful to me. I was having a rough day and I think, no, I think it was a great day. But

regardless, I was talking about, you know, sometimes you wake up and you think of death. That's your first thought. I'm like, that's not cool. And you got to fight through it, you know? And Tim Dillon said, you are at the height of your life. It will never get better than right now, today. Your kids are in that house. Everyone's here. The whole family's healthy. They haven't told you to quit drinking yet. You're making the most money you've ever made.

You're doing the biggest venues ever done. You got a movie in the can. You got movies lined up you are living your life today will never get better in the future so seize today and i went oh and i was like yeah yeah like death freaks me out and so i i gotta try to push through death of like again one day you die it's undeniable one day it goes black for everyone it just goes black that's why that's what leads me to the guest i want to get on my podcast that you were trying to guess okay so you know it's a person of faith i know who it is then if you know it the pope no by the way huge get get. The Pope would be fucking great. A person of fate. He's like, hey.

Justin Bieber. You're so fucking close. You're so fucking close. Carl Lentz. I don't know who that is. He's a pastor. Judas. Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. What does he do? The pastor? Yeah. He's a, oh, Joel Osteen. No. I don't know the guy's name. T.D. Jakes.

The Hillsong guy. Carl Lentz. Is that himong guy. Carl Lentz. Is that him? Type in Carl Lentz. Hillsong? The Hillsong pastor? It's either Carl. I don't know if Judah Smith.

The guy that switched to Bieber. Oh, that's Carl. I just texted with Carl yesterday. No, you know him? Yeah. No way. You know that dude? Yeah, I love Carl carl sweet tell me about

him because i don't know anything about him all i know is all i know is oh that's what he looks like yeah so i i didn't uh all i know is that he's like goth faith right yeah i don't know uh wait goth faith got he's got faith yeah he's a believes in god right yeah yeah he believes in god i don't know a super ton about i mean i know carl like i guess i don't know about a ton about his history i know he had um i know i met him and justin came to a show of mine no in new york a while back um and that was the first time that i met both of them. I think, maybe I'd met Carl before that, I don't remember. I don't want to get on my podcast. But yeah, I always thought, I would love to have Carl on too.

I think he's a super neat guy. We're supposed to catch up sometime. That's the hard thing about being a man of the cloth, is you've got to live, you've got to walk the walk of the talk you talk, right? So you can't fuck up a little bit. Because that happened to John Crist. Oh, yeah. He got fucking canceled for drinking vodka out of a water bottle and trying to kiss a girl rollerblading.

Yeah. And you're like, but it makes sense when he tells you. And he goes, yeah, man, I was lying to my fans. I was saying I'm one thing. I'm really the other thing. He also got like a mistletoe tattoo on his belly button. Are you fucking serious? I'm joking I'm one thing I'm really the other thing He also got like a mistletoe tattoo On his belly button Near his belly button Are you fucking serious?

I'm joking But So Are you good? But No Carl's a neat guy man Yeah I'd love to get to spend time with him

That's the guy I was like That's so crazy bro I was just texting with him yesterday That's the guy I like to get on my podcast I want I'm curious about How

I was talking to Bill Maher about this About like I was saying If you get to get on my podcast. I'm curious about how – I was talking to Bill Maher about this. I was saying if you could get a surgery and they would just clip a little Synex in your brain and immediately tomorrow you'd believe in God, believe in God 100%. You'd be like, I get it. Like I get it. I get it, man. I'm not going to change my life, but I get it. And there's an afterlife, and I have faith, and it feels good to pray.

Like, you go, like, I'm going to pray a little bit. Like, every time I pray, it's always like, hey, man, don't let this shit happen, you know? Hey, man, I know that was a lot. I didn't mean to take that much. Like, I'm going to sleep. Please make sure I wake up in the morning. Stuff shit, you know? Like, so I go, those are my prayers. Or I'm getting on a flight.

Hey, God, don't let me die. Hey, I'm getting ready to go on stage for this special. God, hey, just keep an eye on me. Right, it's like last minute, God. Yeah, it's always like a fucking. It's like God out of jail free. You know what it's like? It's like God from Pulp Fiction when he calls Eric Stoltz.

And God's always like, prank caller, prank caller. And so I would love to meet a guy like this and pick his brain and see if he can switch my synapse or at least see if I can figure out a couple of cheat codes. It's like hanging out with Rogan. I don't do all the shit Rogan does, but I do some of it. I saw an iPolar plunge. I work out.

I don't do the fucking hyperbaric chambers and all the fucking stuff he does to his body. I don't do all of it. Like stem cells. I mean, I do some stem cells. You're shedding my skin every six months or whatever. Yeah, when he goes and lays in wax and then peels it off. Yeah. Him and Tom, they're hardcore.

Like Lance Armstrong talked about how to dope their own blood. Now they dope their own blood in Austin. That's why they move there. Of course, man. It's because of the blood doping. And so, dude, I'd love clean blood. Now, but I would love to talk to that guy open-minded, like legit open-minded and be like, dude. How do you get there? Now, but I would love to I would love to talk to that guy open-minded like legit open-minded and be like dude

Like how do you get there like yeah? What like what and look here's deal if I I hear he's not the guy that goes Well first off you gotta quit drinking. Yeah, like I heard he's like a cool dude is like second You seem to be doing good. You know like let's figure it out So her people's very practical. I think if they I think that well i mean i i've had like i had no faith when i was a kid except for like hypothetical faith of like going to church and things you would hear yeah but then as an adult um i think a relationship with god is just like a relationship it's like you just have to work on it. It's like you pray a couple times a day.

You start gratitude. Well, I started doing gratitudes. You put things in God's hands. You recognize, hey, this is God's will, not my will today. It's a little bit like a relationship. It's like a relationship with anyone. The more you check in with them and talk with them, the bigger the relationship grows. So that's all I think it is.

And then, yeah, once you're believing that you're not the one doing everything that god is it takes all the stress off of you do you believe that i do believe that i've had that experience in my life before really and i mean it blew my mind well see then it blew my mind really because oh yeah i was like oh this doesn't that's not and then you're like oh wow this is to be carefree and have your mind just be like a vacant lot where the present moment feels like it's just loitering like instead of all over the place oh i felt i felt a hard time connecting with the present moment at times where i'm thinking about the next thing too much yeah or not even i'm thinking about my brain is thinking about it.

I mean, stand-up's kind of defined on that. Like, if you're in the present in stand-up, you're not thinking about the next thing you're saying. You ever been on stage and you're like, I can't believe they're laughing. And then you're like, I'm on to the next joke. Like, I'm already working on the next joke trying to think of how I punch that up.

Yeah. And so living in the present's kind of difficult. It's tricky, well, especially in today's world i mean we're constantly getting feedback from the past we're constantly getting just like looking at judging things judging ourselves it's a really it's an interesting time but no i think a guy like carl guy like judah smith those are uh td jakes those are all some pastors that i think could be legit i would like to see a joel osteen just as a performer as a performer i would like to see i wanted like i want to like i do that when i go to shows i go to shows i mean look i know people are gonna be like do you enjoy anything burt but like i can't turn off the fact that i'm

a stand-up comedian who performs in in in in venues right so like i'll go to i did uh i did the greek and and and i looked at the lineups of who they had and and i was like i was like okay like kind of curious of like i like everything everything i do is kind of like an assessment i look at things from a fan like okay i went to the hollywood bowl against steely dan and so i i thought because we do pre-sale for our tours right and do you ever think to yourself like what the fuck's pre-sale like i don't we do pre-sale for our tours, right? And do you ever think to yourself, like, what the fuck is pre-sale? Like, I don't even get pre-sale. Like, pre-sale is like, it seems like, why don't you just release them on sale? Everyone's going to buy them anyway.

And then I went, oh, pre-sale is for your Uber fans. Because you've got to use a promo code. And they're up here and they won't. So I said, Steely Dan's coming to the Hollywood Bowl. They put them on pre-sale. I bought them at pre-sale so I could get good seats. And I went, ah, that's what pre-sale is about. And then I said, how do I communicate this knowledge to people listening right here?

Here's how presale works. I ended up buying a whole box at the Hollywood Ball. I ended up buying two, technically. And I filled it. And then I had the tickets because it's my night, right? So if you're a Theo Vaughn, I want to pitch you listening for a Theo Vaughn experience, right? Right now you're listening and going, I don't get it. He's going to release here next door on presale.

Promo code will be RAT, right? RAT King. RAT King. So when he releases it, you'd be the first one. 10 a.m. at Wednesday when those tickets are on presale. You create your night you want to have because it's your present to yourself. You've busted your ass at the office all week. You're going to get to treat yourself.

So buy, say buy six tickets, right? And you're going to get great tickets. You're going to get them in presale and you're going to get them at the right price point. No one's gotten in there yet. These are your tickets. They're through the venue. You get six tickets and then you send a text out that morning to the six people you want to see that show with and go

Hey guys, I got tickets for Theo Vaughn got him a great price point I would love to see the show with you guys and then you get to plan your evening of how your night goes You're going to see your favorite comedian and you're picking your favorite people to see them with that's how it went And so I looked at it like I want to see Lee Dan and I went I want I want a box and I was like Well, the box is only like six people or maybe eight people. I go, I got more than that. I got two boxes. And then I went, okay, this is a little bit of money, but I go, I got two boxes.

And then I started a Steely Dan chat thread, right? And I thought, who do I want to see this with? Leanne, my buddy Tom, my buddy Sandy, my manager Judy, her husband. Ooh, I want my trainer Lacey to go. Lacey's roommates, Antonia LaPasa, one of the best chefs in all of LA. It's the Hollywood Bowl. We cater it ourselves. Oh my God, Antonia LaPasa, one of the best chefs in all of LA. It's the Hollywood Bowl. We cater it ourselves. Oh my God, Antonia.

I love being with her but she is the best chef in the world. So I hit up group chat. Hey guys, who wants to go to Steely Dan? Everyone hit up immediately. I love it, I love it, I love it. I think I paid for all the tickets.

I don't know if I did or I didn't. I don't remember. I know I wasn't like, I need money but whatever. So like, and I got to play out the next night. So then I go to Steely Dan and as a performer, right? I sit in there that day and I go, what am I need money, but whatever. So like, and I got to play out the next night. So then I go to Steely Dan, and as a performer, right,

I sit in there that day and I go, what am I going to wear? This is crazy, right, Theo? This is how crazy my brain is. And this is when you say you're a workaholic. This is what is wrong with me. I thought to myself, what do I want to wear to Steely Dan? Well, I know it's the Hollywood Bowl. I know it's outdoors.

It might get cold later. Ooh, I hope he's selling sweatshirts. Right? Because wouldn't it be cool to show up in what you want to wear? But if you get cold, you have the opportunity to buy a sweatshirt. Wool, steely wool. Something, something, something, right? And so I was like, man, I want to text Steely Dan right now.

So I did on Instagram. I was like, I don't know if you guys are selling sweatshirts at your show. Hit me up because I want a sweatshirt. And then I'm like, okay. I look at beer lines. I walk in, I look at beer lines. I look at parking. I look at all that shit as a thing because I go, I want to make sure that my fans

have the best experience of their life because I want them to go... That was awesome. That was great. Top to bottom. I got a sweatshirt. I got a hat. I bought a pair of flip-flops. I sold flip-flops. These flip-flops fully loaded. My own flip-flop. But then I thought, fuck, I got a hat. I bought a pair of flip flops. Like I sold flip flops, these flip flops fully loaded, my own flip flop. But then I thought, fuck, I need, technically I'm asking people to show up barefoot and

buy my flip flops there. And if I don't have their size, they're kind of fucked. Yeah. And it's dangerous too to cross a street barefoot or to be in a parking garage. It's the truth, man. So, but yeah, I look at, I look at, I can't shut my brain off when it comes to touring. I think of so many aspects about how to make it a better experience. But that pre-sale thing, your fans need to know because that's the coolest thing is a fan of someone.

And you need to remember that as an artist. Let me get tickets in a group. Let me bring people that I want to be with. Let me make it a night. It's the best. Okay, who's your favorite artist? Morgan Whelan, right? Yeah.

Morgan Whelan is pretty fucking badass, right? Whelan. Yeah, whatever, yeah. And so you get 10 tickets to take your 10 favorite people around the world. Oh, yeah. Who would you go with? I'd probably take my sister, you know, because she wants to go. Now, remember, so that's your first invite.

So you're catering it around that because this is your night. So you got to make sure everyone meshes. Keep going. And she gets bent up, too. And she'll start dancing like, and it's really, she's a mother, too. But she'll literally put her arm on the wall and just shake her ass for like an hour. I think I'm going to like this. Keep going.

Keep going. Who else? I'd probably get my other sister to come and bring maybe her son. So that would be good. I'd probably ask I would maybe ask Baker Mayfield. I saw Morgan Wallen with him before, him and his wife.

So they like Morgan Wallen. So this is a great group already. You've got family, you've got friends, and you've got a celebrity friend. Yeah, and Baker had some buddies that are cool, that love it too. So you hit up and text to them. I would say bring a couple of your boys, the same people from last time. Fun. So now Baker feels really comfortable.

Your sisters are excited. They're getting to meet Baker Mayfield. Their brother's a big celebrity. And they got two Baker's friends that are regular dudes that are talking to your sisters and being real. I love this night. Keep going. Tell me there's an invite for me and Leanne. We'll be the last ones

Leanne would get an invite Yeah And she can bring a plus one That's me That's me I'm Sam Morgan Whalen I think it's a good night dude I'm meeting Baker Mayfield

I'm getting fucked up With your sisters His buddies brought weed I can't fucking wait Hey bring the pastor From the Hillsong group Alright Carl's in Carl's in with Bieber We got Bieber Carl Your sisters Baker his buddies brought weed I can't fucking wait hey bring the pastor from the Hillsong group alright Carl's in

Carl's in it with Bieber we got Bieber Carl your sisters Baker his boys his chick my chick

you we need a girl for you ooh that is the biggest question of all who's it gonna be I would say I don't can I

can I soft pitch you yeah celebrity invite a girl you've seen from afar who you respect maybe she's an actress I don't know Can I soft pitch you? Yeah Celebrity invite A girl you've seen from afar Who you respect Maybe she's an actress Maybe she's a singer-songwriter And it's a reach out

Hey This is the text Hey Me and my buddy Bert Are taking my sisters His wife My buddy Baker Mayfield His buddies

To go see Morgan Whalen I would love for you to come as my plus one who is she she's gonna hear this who is she though she's gonna hear this i don't know who she is man okay let's see let's see is it let's okay i'll tell you the ones the ones that are undeniable to me. Charlize Theron. Okay. Jennifer Aniston. Okay. She's been with too many guys for me. Okay, okay, okay.

Noted. Who's, oh, how about the girl from, how about the girl from Ozarks? Ooh, yeah. She would be cool. If you don't like me, you're going to have to fucking kill me! And that's how our night ends. And that's how our night ends. If you want to stop me, you're going to have to fucking kill me!

That's fire, dude. Yeah, that's a fun fucking group. She is cool and she is cute. And she is a great actress. Yeah, she is very talented. How old is she? Let's make sure she's clear talented. How old is she? Let's make sure she's clearable. How old is she?

We've had issues in our universe. Okay, let's make sure. Ruth Langmore. Ruth Langmore, yeah. Ruth Langmore. Is that her real name? Oh, that sounds like a dateable name as well. Yeah, I like Ruth Langmore.

I think it would be a nice date. She would be fun. She would be. By the way, my wife. And look, we could get her drunk and be like, say the line again. Say the line again. And we're in a fucking sprinter van. Baker's got his shirt off, and he's like, let's fucking go.

She's like, if you want to stop me, you're going to have to fucking kill me. Your sister's got her hand on the wall. This thing's moving really fast. Leanne's drunk. She's playing with my dick in the back. This is what I'm talking about. Let's burp that worm. Morgan, come to LA.

Yeah, Morgan, let's go. We got the livest group ever coming to see you, man. We're going backstage. And you know him. Oh, we're going to be back there. Dude, somebody can blow him. I'll do it. Pucking that scream on that dick.

Oh, damn, brother. Ice cold dicks. Yeah, brother. Ice cold dicks. Yeah, bro. No warm dicks, brother. Someone clip this out and he's going, huh? You got to watch the whole podcast, man. Yeah, man. I think you're missing something.

Oh, man. And what's great is we wake up hungover as fuck. Carl Lentz comes in. He's like, hey, guys. How's everyone feeling? We're like, ugh. A little rough. He's like, hey, why don't we all bring it in?

Let's hold hands. He's like, dear Lord, we had a great night last night. Lord, I want you to look at everyone right now and fill them with your love. Fill them with your respect, your honor. I want you to take them

from the place they are and lift them up to where they should be for the rest of the day. Lord, I am Carl. I got direct communication line with you. Do what you did for Bieber for them and let them have a great day. Who wants waffles? Yeah. We all go get fucking waffles.

God waffles, dude. God waffles. I love that. Man, we had quite a time. Can I just say this might be the best podcast I've ever been on this is the funnest time I've had in a long fucking time oh thanks man you're the best

you're the best I'm so I love watching you you're so funny you're so fucking talented man and you're just an inspiration for so many of us out there like just to try to step up our level podcasting and to step up our try to step up our level podcasting and to step up our try to step up our level stand up you're so fucking talented buddy i'm so glad to have you

as a friend oh thank you dude well you're an inspire you're you're an inspiring guy you bring good energy man and um yeah you just don't you just keep going bro and that's a big part of life man it really is you know sometimes if you don't let the bullshit catch up with you because some of us stop there and wait fucking fucking sit for it. Yeah. You know, and it'll meet you there. That's a good analogy. You need to treat the bad shit the way horses treat shit. It just comes out their ass and they keep walking.

Yeah, they keep cruising. They're like, that's not my problem. I don't know who you're talking about. Someone else is getting that from me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Bert Kreischer, you can check out the Birdie Boy Relapse Tour. Yep. We're hitting Alaska December 15th, going all through Texas, all through Lafayette, near your hometown.

Oh, wow. There you go. Yeah, I'm in Vancouver, Victoria this weekend. When does this come out? That comes out next week. Next week. Next week, this week. Red Rock sold out. Cajun Dome in Lafayette. Corpus Christi. Love it. that comes out next week next week next week this week

Red Rock sold out Cajun Dome in Lafayette Corpus Christi love it wow yeah so got a bunch of dates and like I said

Alaska and Secret Time I'll be in Europe dude I'm so proud of you and amazed and I love the idea of betting on yourself

betting up that moment where you're like you know what I'm gonna do Red Rock and now you're doing it again doing it again sold out quicker I'll do it again next year too i love it red rock's one of the coolest places i've ever performed in my life look sebastian has madison square garden that makes sense that that's his mecca yeah you know um uh for me red rocks is like

it's like we're staying the next night to watch wilco wilco is one of my favorite bands in the world i can't wait to go to wilco with shane gillis mark normand my wife i got i did the same thing i did for damn i'm fired up dude i got a whole i got a whole set of cabins like 12 cabins for everyone on a river in evergreen colorado i got everyone cabins. I got us all coming in. Sprinter vans there. Sprinter vans to our show. IVs in the morning. Sprinter vans back. Big party.

Next morning, IVs. Sprinter van to Wilco. Everyone merges it out. We're going to meet Jeff Tweedy, hopefully, hopefully. I can talk to Jeff Tweedy the same way I talk to you about pre-sale because I think Jeff Tweedy

is leaving some money on the floor. Anyway, but yeah, I can't wait, man. It's the fucking best. And I'm bringing my trainer. We're going to work out hard every morning. I can't fucking wait. And then we fly out.

We fly out from Red Rocks, private to Lafayette to do the Cajun Dome. I'm fucking pumped, dude. This is what, man, I'm just, I love living. I love it. You're living your dream. I mean, not only are you living your dream, but you're choosing to live your dream. You're like, I'm going to not only be here alive in my dream but i'm going to live my dream yeah and that's uh that's another way of thinking man thank you for having me yeah thank

you buddy now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found, I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan

Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Easy deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.