This Past Weekend - E418 Ari Shaffir

Starting point is 00:00:00 I want to announce some new Return of the Rat tour dates. January 26, Louisville, Kentucky. January 28, Indianapolis. February 2, Shreveport, Louisiana. February 3rd and 4th, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. March 24, Corpus Christi, Texas. March 25, and I believe 26th, Houston, Texas. We just added a new show there in Houston. April 26 and 27th, Phoenix, Arizona. May 13, New York City. We just added a show there. June 1 and 2, Austin, Texas. And we will be adding new shows as current shows sell out. So if it sells out, just check back. You can use the code RATKING if it's before Friday, November 18. If it's on Friday, November 18 or after, then you can just buy the tickets as you go. Go through TheoVon.com slash T-O-U-R

Starting point is 00:01:07 and to make sure you get accurately priced. And thank you so much for all of your support. I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to get out there and see you. Love you guys, gang. Today's guest has been on quite a ride as a human, as a content creator. He's one of a kind. There's no doubt about that. He has a new special Jew out on YouTube and he's going to tell us a little bit about the journey of creating that. And I'm just grateful to get to spend some time with him while he's out here in Los Angeles. He has tour dates and everything. You can check it all out. Today's guest is Ari Shafir. You came to Nashville, remember?

Starting point is 00:02:27 Yeah, dude. That was cool, man. Thank you. That's ruined a lot of me, but not all of it. Yeah, I've been good, man. Just slowly getting over it. My burnout was so bad. It's tough to say that to people because people don't know it. But I couldn't even sit through a conversation. Well, this is a conversation I did with this guy, Bryce Mitchell, where I could barely even talk. I mean, just got burned out. So it's just been a slow, every couple of weeks, I feel a little bit better. I got on some peptides and I got a lot of different vitamins and did that ayahuasca thing to try to get better. I mean, I was trying everything to see what was

Starting point is 00:03:09 going on. Yeah, I was telling Bobby he needed to take time off. I was telling him yesterday. And he was like, yeah, I gotta do this. And I was like, dude, you're saying the same thing everyone's saying. And I was saying, like, you and I were talking about it. Yeah, you. And I appreciate you hitting me up. You hit me up and say, hey, man, you remind me to take some time off to go do some things for myself. But I said how like the comments were all like, yes, you'll go, we'll still be here. Like, go get right. Yeah, comments weren't like, no, you better not take off. The comments were like, shocking the other way. Like, yeah, why do you think we forget that feeling then that we can't that we have to keep going?

Starting point is 00:03:43 What do you think some of that comes from? Some of us to drive within like where it's like, we had starvation mentality for so long, you know, that we're still like, I got to work, I got a job, I got an offer for a gig. And you're like, yeah, those are, we have to be comfortable. You know, like, you're like, you know, you raise poor if you're like, hey, the fucking free breakfast stops at 10, we got to get down there. And then at some point, you're like, I'll just go buy breakfast, you know. And you're like, Oh, right. Yeah, I guess I don't need the continental. Like, like, you got to just convince yourself that you're, you're fine. That's a good point. I think some of that probably some of that realization to some of that slowly

Starting point is 00:04:23 coming into my own head, like everything's going to be okay. Yeah. I remember we get the continental dude, my mom, sometimes we would go meet my grandparents and we stay at like this Howard Johnson. Hojo's, bro. They had it. They were nice. They were nice. They had a nice eating place in there. Yeah, you could eat there. Yeah. The waffle maker. God. Cause then you weren't just eating good. You were, you were like contributing. Yeah. Yeah. You were there. You're like, go make it. Like I can make waffles. Oh, it's like a French chef now. Yeah. Then you'd forget about it. You have to turn it over. Bro, I wonder how many lawsuits are there have been of people who like just like thick bitches that tore the rotator. It was pre lawsuits too. They were like,

Starting point is 00:05:10 this guy fucking burned himself. Like, yeah, you know how people are hot, hot irons will do that. Oh, you let your seven year old. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that before that one bitch at McDonald's who fucking spilled coffee and then she's sued and won. At that point, everybody had to be like, Hey, no more freedoms for your guts. They ruined it all, man. I used to love the freedoms because yeah, then anything could happen. You meet a guy who like, you meet a kid and his eye was like sewn shut from a waffle from like a hot waffle iron. Tell me your story. I try to restart. Remember No Face at the comedy store? Oh, we had a comic named No Face because he had like fucking Mac the knife face because he tried to fix it. A fucking one of those like things

Starting point is 00:05:51 in the back of a boat as a motor. He got away and it's like, I know I can fix this. He's fucking on it. And then it was like, no face them. He was not a great comic. He's like, and his whole, his cheeks got remixed. He was, he had all the sympathy, but he was kind of a dick too. And so he like heckle. But you knew he was him heckling because you know, it's like dark in the comedy store. You're like, who's that? Because every heckle like you suck. I was escaping from his lack of face. Tell a better joke. Oh, he didn't get a valve issue. Dude, I saw sometimes the weirdest fans come out there was a guy came to the show and he's like, man, you got to meet my cousin. He's the biggest fan of yours. He lost 70% of his skull.

Starting point is 00:06:56 Wow. And you want to be like, tell him about the 30%. Well, he would take his hat off and then he would go, and his head would literally go like that too. I'd be like cartoon surprised. He would go, and you see, oh, how do you lose the skull? I don't know. They went into it, man. It was, I thought it was going to be a little bit smoother of a deal. You know, it was something, I want to say it like some, some of those like electronic double doors or whatever,

Starting point is 00:07:30 you know, like at a, you know, a, you know, like a chase bank bit him or something on the way in or whatever. Did he read a soul? I was like closed. I think it's just like, yeah. And I guess the argument in court was that his soul wasn't showing up on those monitors. So it wasn't their fault. Yeah. He should have gone to church more. It wouldn't have been an issue. He'd go like this in the elevator and he's like, it's not closing. Hey buddy, your soul ain't showing up on here. Dude, I got back from, I don't know where I was, France, and I got that global entry. So you don't have to do a meeting if you just like on your way back, you can do it. So I'm sitting there waiting some lady was like, oh, I'm a

Starting point is 00:08:07 fan of yours. I'm like, oh, what are you getting your global interest? She goes, no, my, they're not registering my daughter's face. She went full goth and the machine is like, this ain't her. I guess it can't tell. So maybe goth is the way out of all of this. Maybe goth's the way out. Maybe Marilyn Manson fans. Cause you don't see a lot of like Asian Marilyn Manson fans or things like that, you know, or like, who was that lady who sang happiness? Was it a warm gun? No, no. Florence and the Machine. You know, she sang a song they'll never play again. It's like about getting beat up. Really? Hit me. What is it? Kiss with a fist. Oh, and they don't play it much anymore. We're such a good fucking banger. It's like feel something over nothing. Yeah. And then

Starting point is 00:09:00 she's not, she's like, yeah. Well, it's interesting because some people use violence as their form of affection. Uh-huh. That's pretty wild. Um, Jew, man, let's talk about, so let's talk about your space. You have, you have a new special out new special. So the journey of this special is interesting because I remember, yeah, because I remember when you were, do you did this like you had started this kind of years ago, right? Yeah. Five and a half years ago. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was, uh, canceled a couple of times, but you know, you stopped me on first down and second down. I still got third. I picked it up, you know, third and 14. I picked it up. Jhumar Chase over here, dude. You're fucking going deep. Well, congratulations, man. Thanks.

Starting point is 00:09:44 Yeah. I watched about the first 20 minutes. So that's as far as I've gotten. Nice. That's more than I can watch most comics. Even to put it on is like, is a, is like a, is a nice compliment. Yeah. Like, Hey, I loaded up your thing. Yeah. Even if it's like, I loaded up as my mom called, I forgot to, you know, but like just to load it up is like, cool. You know, every comic is like, we know them all. So it's, we can't watch them all. Yeah. I, um, yeah. And I love the candles. I love the setup kind of, it felt a little scary kind of a little bit. It felt a little like, we'd gone down into a hole in the desert and you were kind of telling me some stories kind of a little bit. Yeah. It's got that campfire vibe, which is like, religious-y kind of feel. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:24 Indiana had a little bit of an Indiana temple of doom kind of vibe. A little bit for me. Yeah. And we will waste your soul away. I'm going to steal your fucking heart if you watch it too much. If you watch it three times. Yeah. Then it was like, what does it really say when he was like, in a desert? What does this, what did he say? He has some words in Indiana Jones. Yeah. Pull it up there. Shalimar, something like that. Oh yeah. Shalimar. Fuck. I know it. It's close. I'm close. Um, so that must have felt great, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I felt great. And it was interesting because if you'd have done it in the beginning, it would have been for Netflix. No. Oh, it wouldn't have been. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I thought that it was going to be for Netflix and then now

Starting point is 00:11:06 I ended up on YouTube and that would have seemed like almost a better choice. Yeah. It was always going to be YouTube. It was kind of like before people were putting them on YouTube. I already had the thought of like, no, this is the way it's like, you can get it to everybody. You'll be like early on a platform. You still own it. You still own it. Sure. They can't stick some fucking lady's name on the end of it as a producer that I never met once in my life or ever talked to. Like who the fuck is this lady? You guys just stuck on the end of my shit. Yeah. I think credits are important. You can't just stick some fucking lady's name on there. Yeah. They'll just sticky text and bro. Yeah. I'm like, what? So yeah. And honestly, it was

Starting point is 00:11:48 bad. I got to like go back to these jokes like with like a year and a half off and go, oh, some of this is too long. These setups are too long. Like some of these like, oh, this is the same joke twice. I can't see if, you know, forest for the trees kind of shit. And then I was able to like edit a lot better. It was a lot better because of all that. How much is it to shoot something like that? This one cost me quite a bit. They're expensive, aren't they? Yeah. You can make them for, for, for very little and you'll still get the jokes across, you know, it'll still be good. But the way I wanted to make it, it costs, it costs, it costs a lot. Couple hundred G. 230. Wow. Yeah. The song costs 20. Oh, yeah. Isn't that crazy? You're like,

Starting point is 00:12:30 oh, this song will be great. And like it's 20 grand. You're like, oh, it was, it was, it was a, it was, um, Satchmo, what's his name? Louis Armstrong. And he was, it was eight grand. I was like, okay, wow, that's not crazy. Fuck, that's a lot of money, but I'll pay for it. They go, well, also there's like a chorus he uses on it. So you got to pay the chorus guy also. I'm like, how much is he? He's like, he's 10. I'm like, what? And they go, yeah, and they have favorite nations. So it's 10 and 10. Oh, what? We're from eight to 20. Favorite nations. They're both from Africa, aren't they? Yeah, that's the favorite nation. Oh, I guess it is now, huh? Yeah, it is now. It's a favorite nation. I got a promo shirt.

Starting point is 00:13:10 Let's get it out, dude. Let's get it out. Um, there we go. Auri Shafir, dude. No more hiding. That's right. These shoes are out of the, out of the attic. Into your, into your homes. I'm coming out of the attic. Dude, I'll say this about Anne Frank's place. I went there. Yeah. It's two bedroom, two bath. Massive. Overlooking a fucking river. Bro, it's nice. Perfect location. Yeah. There's coffee shops everywhere. What a wonderful spot. I will tell you this. I did it on my last special. There's a, there's like a brunch place. If you're ever in Amsterdam, right below Anne Frank's house. So Anne Frank's is around the corner and then below it's like two steps down. It closed like 3pm. The best grilled cheese sandwich I've ever had in my life.

Starting point is 00:13:52 I mean, it is out, like use for cheese is out of this fucking world. Stop it. Is it really the best grilled cheese ever? Stop it. I don't know what else I would be able to use it. Yeah. I don't know what else I'd be able to use it. You made a joke last time that I missed, that I saw some comments and like, fuck, I felt so bad. I missed it. I forgot what it was. And it was like, what a fucking idiot. What a comic. Just like, uh-huh. Oh, sometimes you get stuck in podcasts. You're listening. You're trying to be involved in it. Thank you so much. This is like, I'm just, I'm happy to be able to be in a conversation and have a good time. Yeah. So serious ones. No, just, I just haven't been, you know, like,

Starting point is 00:14:40 it just like, it feels good to fucking just be having fun. You know, it feels good. The great taste of Celsius. It feels good going down. It's delicious and low calorie, I assume. It might be, actually. Only one serving per container. You don't get less servings than that. Yeah, what is that? Thanks, Celsius. All right. Dude, it's funny because I'll pass up my morning coffee and I'll just wait until I get here to have this. Does it have caffeine in it? It has a little bit. Oh, I need some. It's nice, man. So now, because Jew, now Jewish stuff is like, it's been like hot recently, right? It's been hot. Yeah, yeah. I'm on fire now. Was that a part of the reason? Was it, were you just happening to be putting it out at that time?

Starting point is 00:15:24 Happily putting it out. I was going to do Rogan's podcast. We're going to do a sober October wrap up and I was like, I had it and none of these bits are like, are like timely. They're all 5,000 year old source material. So it's like, there's no rush or not rush. I took my time editing it with the Paris for a couple of weeks and people were like, where are the edit notes? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry. They're like, you're the boss. Sorry, you're waiting on you. I'm like, fuck. Yeah. But then I was going to do Rogan's. I was like, that's a good time. I'll just do it the day after I do Rogan's. So as soon as it comes out, I'll just have it and then fucking. It blew up. Yeah. Old gold digger fucking dug into the fucking backlogs and started promoting it.

Starting point is 00:16:05 That's awesome. Yeah. And does it feel kind of like, because you've had some moments of like kind of like rock, I don't know if it's rocky moments in your world. Some hurdles. Yeah. I would say you've had some hurdles. I mean, you like to be on the, you like to, you like to play track and field. Yeah. So I just throw that pot. Yeah. You like to be out there, baby. People get, I serve the pot so much. People around me get enveloped in my pot stirring. Sorry, dude. I got soup on my feet from you, bro. Sorry about the soup. I'm sorry. Waiter, there's a lawyer in my soup. That's what I get to say. I feel like. Yeah. If you have any of my buck on your bucket, there's a chance you're going to have to contact a lawyer at some

Starting point is 00:16:53 point. But so that had to be wild then. So did you feel like, oh my God, this is like kismet or whatever that I'm putting this thing out. And now there's all this Jewish like anti or semi stuff and stuff happening. No, I thought it was going to be the end of it again. I thought it was going to go forward down. Yeah. Cause I saw a world where they were, the reaction to that was going to be overly protective and they go anything that's even remotely anti-Semitic where they wouldn't get a joke. They don't know what irony is, you know, that anything remotely is that we're just killing it so that we don't have to worry about being called anti-Semitic. I could see a world with that. What happened? There's a chef.

Starting point is 00:17:33 You can pull it up. I don't know if you can. This guy has like a pancake mix company, black guy. And the logo of his company is him with one of those big chef's hats. And he, you know, he like was promoting his stuff and Instagram or Facebook doesn't matter. Same, same. They're like, that's racist. Take it down. And he goes, what, right? That's me. It's my company. They're like, nah, that's racist. He goes, what racist? I'm him and I'm a chef. They're like, nah, dude, come on, that's racist. Yeah. It might not be Uncle Pease. It's someone like that. That's Masterpiece. That's Masterpiece. It ain't that one. Yeah. And it's like, and it just looks too reminiscent. So they went overboard and they didn't let this guy promote his own black owned business. And so I

Starting point is 00:18:16 could see a world where that would happen. And I get it also from their point of view. They're like, I don't know. Damn, bro. Yeah. These all look so racist now. Everything does. Damn. Black people look racist. Well, I think it's like, if black people are in the kitchen, you can't be in that, you can't be cooking anymore, blacks. Oh dude, if a black guy even brings my food out, I don't even know how to bathe anymore. Hey, you're doing this because you want to, right? You're free of your own volition to come and go. I'm like, just set it down, meet you halfway. I'll go go. I'll go get it. I'll go. Just tell me it's up or don't. Just kind of signal in some way. Oh, man, dude. Yeah. So I was worried about that happening. Really? Because that's funny. Because I would

Starting point is 00:18:58 think the other thing, like people would be more, there would probably be more support for it, you know? Sure. But I was like, I wasn't looking for that when I thought I put it out. So I was like, don't let it go away. There is a world you could see where that could happen. Oh, totally. I mean, it's hard to have any type of irony these days, you know? Did you feel, is it anti-semedical? No. No. It's not the word, but no, it's not. It's very reverential and whatever, but also like, yeah, you make fun of yourself. Yeah, yeah. You remember Stevie Z? He died. Uh, Davey Wester. No. Oh, Paul's a comic. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He died. Nope. Nope. Sorry, dude. Oh, damn. He's still living. Still with us. But, you know,

Starting point is 00:19:46 he has cerebral palsy. And when he fell, since he's our friend, we'd be in front of him. People wouldn't care more right there if you just said he died probably, which is a sad or far-sad. Hey, Davey, if you're out there and you want to help this podcast, kill yourself. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Theobon said, kill yourself. I didn't. The views of the guests on this podcast are represented by the podcast itself. Yeah. Kill yourself. Do it. Kill yourself. God, I feel like I'm in the cheapest, uh, Saw movie. Did you have like a trap? No, we couldn't afford that. Well, it's like that girl that texted her boyfriend, he's like, oh, my car's broken down. She's like, I bet you won't kill yourself. It's

Starting point is 00:20:26 like, damn, maybe I should kill myself. Have some balls, dude. Think it out. Yeah, that's just, he told him you don't have any balls. I'll show you. Yeah, do something else, dude. Damn. Dude, eat some fucking brother cakes. Don't fucking get out there and take your own life. Hey, have you ever been on Squidbillies? No. You should get on that show. People always ask me about Squidbillies. That's one of the best shows in the world. And I just, I saw something, I thought was a squid and then you, it's that on that belt, it looks like Squidlegs. Oh, yeah. You should do Squidbillies, man. They would love you. I would love to be on that, but you should be on that. I think I reached out to them about trying to do a cartoon or something at some point

Starting point is 00:21:05 and they didn't want to do it. Oh, adult swim is done now. Anywhere. Yeah. Adult swim, fucking, somebody pulled the drain. Did you, because did you feel like was there a lot of, because anti-Semitic. Yeah, it's not anti-Semitic, but it is making fun of Rowan. So I was going to say, when Davey Wester would like, me and Renazisi saw Davey Wester trying to get a straw on his mouth, but you know, those double doors, the saloon doors, the door, we were looking and he was trying to get the straw and he was like, like missing it. Oh, yeah. And man, we were dying. And then eventually he's like, see, we're laughing. He's like, fuck you guys. And it was so fucking fun because we love him. And we're like, we know this is your disability and you're trying to overcome

Starting point is 00:21:47 it. And that is funny that you're failing. Oh, totally, man. I mean, I think some of that is interesting because I'll have a friend who like go to therapy all the time. And I know, and I mean, and even myself, and that's our disability. And there's times where I laugh at it or if a friend makes a joke about it, I laugh, you know, it's like, it's funny. You're gonna be dark. Like, I thought about killing myself again. You're like, I know you're serious. That is funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you want to be dark. Yeah. So yeah, no, it's not anti-Semitic, but there is like some making fun of Jews. There's a difference. Is there, yeah, because I feel like sometimes you can't even say Jew and then everything is anti-Semitic.

Starting point is 00:22:22 It's literal people. It's going like, you can make fun of the president. You could be like, oh, the president fell off his bike and you're like, why do you hate America? You know, right? And it's like, no, I'm just making fun of his fucking, his shirt's untucked. Yeah. Like you can, you know. Oh, totally. There's this Bobcat Goldwaite had this great story about being on a, on a plane and there's a bunch of down syndrome kids on the plane and they had to make a semi-emergency landing. I think they couldn't figure out if the, if the wheels could come out or not. And they didn't know. So they're like, Hey, we have to burn off fuel. We don't know if it's going to be a crash landing or not. Our sensors aren't working. We're gonna have fire

Starting point is 00:22:57 trucks like on the premises waiting for us, you know, and all these downsides. Everyone's so worried. These downsides are like fire trucks, fire trucks. And now there's a person that goes, well, airplane jokes are hacky. And you're like, Oh, no, dude, you don't understand this at all. Yeah. You try to weigh in. Yeah. Yeah, dude. This is about perception. Yeah. Yeah. Um, interesting, man. I think, uh, yeah, because that's one thing that sometimes it's like, you can say almost anything, but if you say the word Jew, then people, and it makes it go, Oh, is this right? Yeah. Is that a no, no. It makes it not even fun. It makes it like, I can't even joke. I get scared to joke around with some of my Jewish friends or I feel like I need to ask

Starting point is 00:23:36 permission if I can joke sometimes. Like, I don't know. Yeah. You know what? This is that weird world that we're in now. You listen to these fucking dorks too much and you start feeling weird and you're like, and you realize we're mostly versus just comics, like we're cool. You know, this is all every week. Somebody walks out angry from the comedy store or from one of your shows probably to, you know, you're doing a thousand people in a night. Two people are going to leave angry. Yeah. You can't be worried about them. Sometimes you see them leave. Somebody see them leave. Yeah. I got a complaint in, in, in, um, Chicago, two separate couples, old couples left five minutes apart. Their kids told them to go see me and they both said the same thing to the

Starting point is 00:24:12 management. It's not enough that he's making fun of the death of children. It's that everyone else is laughing about it. They're wracking them on. And it's like, yeah, get out of here. You're not four year. You can't stop doing it because of those two dorks. Their kids are probably sitting at home and be like, we knew they fucking hated me. Fire truck, fire truck. Um, what do you think about this, Ari? We got some news that popped up here, man. They speaking about what's that? We talking about the fishing scandal. People. Oh yeah. Did you see that? Going to jail. Those people going to jail over some fucking trout. Are they going to jail? I think so. Yeah. Wouldn't it be so crazy? The guys just staying in there. Can you bring up that fish? That fishing. Fucking Lance

Starting point is 00:24:51 Armstrong skated on it. These fishermen are going to jail. Those teams are like, seriously, swamp people don't fuck around. The French are like, you learn your lesson, but the swamp people like, nah, dude, you got to be punished. Two men accused of cheating in an Ohio fishing tournament scandal have been indicted. Indicted as high level arrest. Is it? Well, apparently these guys actually like, they, they like five different guys. They took away their like yearly income because like this, the amount that they won for this is not a small amount. Yeah. What do you win? What if you're the top level fucking? Let's guess. What do you think? This tournament. Oh, this tournament alone, I think top prize $28,000. Ooh, I might be too high. No, I think I was going

Starting point is 00:25:34 to go $35,000. Let's see. It's a $29,000. And I don't want to say the J word right there. I drew them down one. I drew them down one. We got to make cuts to the organizer. I think. Yeah, yeah, cut to the organizer. Larry Fishburne. David Silver's got to get his cut. Yeah. Like Fishburne. Yeah. Troutbert Troutstein. This was a, wasn't this crazy though? They put weights in it, but they, they did it too much. It's like those guys taking roids. Like, take a little bit of roids. Don't get the fucking Barry Bonds Bionic head. You take too much. Just put a little bit of weight in there. Put a fucking one gold coin in there. Don't put the fact. Don't, you don't want to pick up this. It feels like fucking like 80 pounds. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:26:24 Yeah. Every one of the fish, it was crazy because they'd have like a huge fish and then a little fish and the little fish was weighing the same. Two guys going to pick up the little fish. Fuck. Crazy. Yeah. Like something's up. Like, I don't know what you're talking about. Apparently like a bigger fish ate one of the little fish and just sunk to the bottom of the y'all of the pond and they ripped these dudes. They ripped them apart. And the one guy stood there like he didn't know, I would have jetted. Yeah. Go, go, get on your fucking speed boat and go to live, to live. You know how to, you, you've taught a man to fish. You can do it. You know, not as well as the other guys, but you can earn yourself a fucking meal. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I would

Starting point is 00:27:06 have been out of there, man. And each Amanda, each Amanda cheating, fishing and fishing. The guy just pulling these. I mean, he pulled a cattle bell. I love that they were like, it's like a man got caught cheating. He was like, well, wow, it's crazy. Fish must have been even led weights. Yeah. Oh my God. Man, these fish must have been. Wow. Pieces of other fish. He should have just done that. Oh, it's very domorous when you get to that part. He's just standing right there watching. Wow. Refund all that fucking. So what did he get it? And then we got home with it and they came back for another time. Well, go on, Zach. I think they win money throughout the season.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Oh, so they're like, this isn't just now. You got to give back everything. It's like why Barry bonds not in the hall. We don't know when this started. Oh, it's true. You could see a guy being caught. He's in the midst of freezing. It's flight or fright or freeze, you know, and he's just like, he's just hoping it ends. He doesn't know what to do. Yes. He should get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you got to just run. Yeah. No, they'll chase him down. That now that's a good point. If he starts running, he'd have been probably a dead man. Yeah. It's like if a dog's barking at, if you start running, that dog's going to get you.

Starting point is 00:28:34 Oh, it's true, huh? Yeah. Yeah, there's something about that. Once you run, it makes something else want to chase you. Dad, stop. Don't let him run. Yeah. You have to be calm and calm them around you. Yeah. Cheating and fishing. We fund that money. It's just, it's sad. It's just kind of the world we in. A lot of cheating out there, you know? A lot of people just cutting corners, I guess. But I don't know. Everybody else there seemed pretty pissed and seemed like maybe, maybe it's just these guys. Sucks. You fucking playing the game. You were cheating the whole time.

Starting point is 00:29:02 So I was like, what the fuck? Come on. That's why I love the Tour de France, when they took it away from Lenny Armstrong. Oh, yeah. And they were like, we got to give it to the guy who came in second place. And they're like, nah, he was Royden too. And they're like, fuck third, like Royden. You know how far that, 17. They had to give it to the number 17 guy. And I'm like, he didn't even finish the same day. He fucking finished on Tuesday. They all came in the fucking, you know, through the palace on Sunday. And the guy rolled up, took a break, stopped for the night. He goes, man, I've lost.

Starting point is 00:29:32 I don't know. And then it's like tortoise in the hair, you know, as long as you finish. Who knows? Because he's not even a cyclist. It's just a black guy in a chef's hat. He's an Uber Eats guy. He's like, oh, I just came through the fucking Palais Royale. Did you see this? He saw Trump's back up. Trump's back up. What? Let's play it. Hard on? No, if he got a heart, I mean, he's... Oh, Trump in order. Great and glorious again. I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. I love the breaking news at the bottom.

Starting point is 00:30:06 Trump expected to announce presidential, but at any moment, like, yeah, he just did it. Fucking ticker. Get with it, ticker. You're fucking behind the times. Yeah, ticker is almost like that autistic buddy you have. Hey, ticker. And that was always a name they had for somebody that had autism or whatever. Ticker, because he's a tick. Ticker, button. Hey, button. Where is this? Tell him, button. Tell him, button. Mar-a-Lago. It's Mar-a-Lago.

Starting point is 00:30:29 What do you think about this? He's going to win, right? What do you think? I don't know. I don't follow politics at all. I don't follow them much either. It does. It is interesting because I like the tears of the righteous. And man, this guy makes them flow. It's fun for me to watch their tears. Well, even when you saw Dave Chappelle saying that, did you see that bit that he talked about Trump?

Starting point is 00:30:50 He goes, I remember him before he goes, but he was running. He goes, I'm not going to vote for him. I'll vote for Hillary, but I don't like it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Do you see that? Can you find that clip, Zach, where he said the other day during his SNL thing about what they, why people liked Trump? Which is the original-

Starting point is 00:31:09 How old is Trump now? Damn. So he's eight years past where he was before. He was already old then. You think he's still fucking? Yeah. You think Trump's still fucking? I think one of his top goals, I think he's getting probably ex-homes and stem cells into that. It's probably smart to take the four years off because then you extend, you know, your time being at the top. You're on four, off four, but that off four, you're still former president.

Starting point is 00:31:33 You're still a G. Yeah. And then on four again, and then your next four, you were just the president. And so you really get 16 years out of that if you run it, right? And you get to bounce back and kind of like see whatever didn't work maybe the first time. I don't know if in Trump's case, he's able to do that. You know what, Trump, you should change the constitution to eight consecutive years. So that way you can do it eight full years this time. That's what Hitler did. That's what Hitler did, rewrite that constitution.

Starting point is 00:31:57 Did he? Yeah, you read that constitution, anything goes. Did it in Ecuador too, rewrite the constitution. Damn. Yeah. Ecuador. Yeah, I knew a real liberal comic and she couldn't understand. She was like, what the fuck when Trump won?

Starting point is 00:32:10 And I was like, well, you've never gotten under your limo. You've never gone to Dayton. And these people are depressed and they're looking for answers. You've never talked to them. You live in your fucking gated apartment building, you know, where no one's allowed in, you have your fucking doorman wearing an SS outfit. Yeah. Like you have no idea what a human is like.

Starting point is 00:32:28 So you're like, what? Like, right, right. You've sheltered yourself. Yeah. Look on, is that, look on Twitter, please, where they look at Chappelle, SNL, Trump. This is what I thought was interesting. He said, some people don't understand why people like Trump. He goes, when he first was in the debates, they, and they asked him about the,

Starting point is 00:32:53 the media went so far overboard and tried to discredit them that they eventually got caught, like just misleading the truth. Yeah. Remember that Russia thing? Never was anything. Not only is never they think was invented by Hillary Clinton's side. So let's just say she didn't know, but it was invented by a democratic side and pushed so that, and they never go, oh fuck, maybe we got to look at these liars over here.

Starting point is 00:33:12 They just go, we'll pass it. So it was like, if you're not going to apologize, it's like, if you tell me you're going to pick me up from the airport and then you don't, and you never apologize, I don't think you're going to pick me up from the airport next time. I can't trust you're going to do it. If you said, dude, I'm so sorry, my alarm didn't go off. It's like, I can tell you're sorry. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:28 But these people never owned up to anything they did. And so it's like, I hurt, I was randomly in my car and I was listening to Trump on like NPR during the state of the union address or something, and he goes, this MS-13, this fucking group from Mexico, there's like the drug dealers and fucking smugglers. And he goes, they're terrible people. They're gang members and they're rapists and, you know, they're terrible people. And then the headline, I was like, oh, I wonder how they're going to play it. The headline the next day is Trump calls Mexicans rapists.

Starting point is 00:33:56 And I'm like, damn, it's not a lie, but it sure ain't the truth. And eventually he did it so many times, we were like, we don't believe you guys. Yeah, I think, well, that's one thing I think people don't believe the news anymore. Some people still do believe the news. And I'm not saying believe the news in favor of any person. Yeah. I haven't seen that Chappelle monologue, but they're like, oh, it's not this minute. I'm like, I guarantee it's not.

Starting point is 00:34:14 Yeah. I've seen enough of these. Every time you see a comic one too far, I'm just like, without watching it, no, he didn't. Yeah. Let's see what he says right here if he says about this Trump thing, if this is it. First of all, nice jacket, Dave Chappelle. You look like, you look like a fucking, what's that guy's name? Talking about.

Starting point is 00:34:29 I'm talking about David Hasselhoff. No, he doesn't look like David Hasselhoff. The black dude. So you might believe this is the end of his era. I'm just being honest with you. I live in Ohio amongst the poor whites. A lot of you don't understand why Trump was so popular, but I get it because I hear it every day. He's very loved.

Starting point is 00:34:53 And the reason he's loved is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He's what I call an honest liar. Well, I'm not joking right now. He's an honest liar. That first debate, that first debate, I've never seen anything like it. I've never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs. This whole system is ripped, he said. And Carl Sestage was a white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting over there

Starting point is 00:35:23 looking at him like, no, it's not. I said, now wait a minute, bro. It's what he said. And the moderators said, well, Mr. Trump, in fact, the system is ripped. As you suggest, what would be your evidence? You remember what he said, bro? He said, I know the system is ripped because I use it. He paused it for a second.

Starting point is 00:35:50 Yeah, that's crazy, man. Yeah. Also, in my special, always if you're a Jew, you will not go that long without a laugh. There is no period in the entire special where you were going full man. Chappelle's definitely bought a lot of time where he has, he's granted a lot of grace. He's so cool sounding, but I'm like, damn, dude. Yeah, get to it. Punch that middle part up.

Starting point is 00:36:10 But I think that's the thing that I originally thought was fascinating about Trump. I'm like, he's not a politician. He's not a politician. So he has the chance, at least if it's possible. Just speak real. To get in there and do at least put shine of some sort of a light on whatever we don't know. Because he's not one of the two sides. He's not part of the fucking garden.

Starting point is 00:36:31 Yeah, it's too bad he's looking out for himself and business interests too much. It's too bad you got a sort of an evil one in there doing that. If it would have been somebody else, it could have been interesting. Bernie, maybe, or somebody who's like, hey, come on, we gotta help you. Let's get these guys out of prison. Just talking normal. Not like, and we're going to take it. And we're going to go to the Washington.

Starting point is 00:36:47 And we're going to change the law there. It's like, fuck you. You ain't one of us. Yeah. Yeah, I think he got then. I think at that point something. They just wanted to change, I think. People are like, fuck the system.

Starting point is 00:36:58 That's what they want. They want it fucked up. That's what I was like. How come all these billionaires got more billions doing COVID when we're all suffering? I know. Who's doing that and rich people making rich laws for rich people? Yeah. I can't afford a lawyer when I get arrested.

Starting point is 00:37:11 They just have my retainer. So of course they're going to get off easy. Well, it does start to feel in the world like. We've got to go to where they're doing it. We've got to climb some walls. We've got to take care of business. Yeah. But it's not, I feel like, it used to feel like the government was the bad.

Starting point is 00:37:28 I don't know if I feel like. I think the government's bought out, right? By the businesses. That's what I feel. That's what I feel. They're one step down. The businesses put the government in charge to like keep us all going. That's what it seems like, right?

Starting point is 00:37:39 Yeah. Yeah. It's like owner and then the government is like the government's like managerial, those supervisors. That's what it feels like. Yeah. And they'll get theirs too. You know, they'll make sure to get theirs, but they're not the real ones. Right.

Starting point is 00:37:50 They're just kind of a liaison now between big business and human, regular folks. Yeah. That's what it feels like. Anyway, not to be a downer, but that's, that right there is what I thought was fascinating about Trump from the beginning was like, fuck, maybe there's a chance. Yeah. When she goes, when she goes, you cheated on her taxi goes, I know, I'd be a fool not to. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:10 You know what I mean? Yeah. I have great fucking tax attorneys. Are you sure you do? Yeah, play the rest of that clip. There might be. It might be on there. That was basically the end of that clip.

Starting point is 00:38:22 See, and that could be, we don't know if it is or not, but that could be it's out of context. Fuck. No, just big digital telling us that's the end of the clip. That's enough. I got a call. It's actually the end of the clip. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:32 Oh, okay. Okay, please use crest when you're brushing your teeth. Everyone, great, sweet smiles of crest. You could do no wrong. Sorry, sorry about talking. Does that feel like what it's getting to sometimes? Do you feel like overlords? You can't say certain things.

Starting point is 00:38:47 Do you feel like we're getting there? Did I had Milo Yiannopoulos on my podcast? You did? Yeah, a long time ago. And he's like kind of like a gay flavor of flavor, right? In what way? Like he's like a height man or something. He's a height man.

Starting point is 00:39:01 He's a troll. Oh, he is. He says stuff just to piss people off. And then it does piss people off. And they go, you're a troll, fuck it. And they hate these gay. He's a hater. He's married to a black dude.

Starting point is 00:39:11 Oh, you married to a black dude? Yeah. Oh, wow. He's so liberal, but he's conservative. And so he's like the tears of the liberals get me hard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I had him on my podcast to talk about how he's a troll

Starting point is 00:39:23 and not this like evil, whatever. And he keeps trying to go into them like, hey, you're not fooling me. You know that this thing, the white power sign? So he goes him on, on 4chan, which I think is not a fucking, it's not this evil. It's a troll group, right? And then what's the best way to troll people is go conservative.

Starting point is 00:39:41 That people hate that. So it's like, then do that. You know, right? Especially online. Yeah. Online. So he go, let's invent a fake, a fake sign. That means nothing.

Starting point is 00:39:49 And they go, let's do this. We'll call it white power. So then he's like, all right, how do we get it out there? And they're all like, I don't know. Let's just go slowly. We'll see whatever. And then Milo is just with the president. Randomly, you know, on a platform.

Starting point is 00:40:03 And they're all taking pictures. And he goes, oh, shit, they're taking pictures. And he just goes like that. And people are like, what's that sign? And then they showed those fucking kids the one that was, the Indian was yelling at, you know? And they see them in their basketball. Look, they're going like this.

Starting point is 00:40:15 And like, no, that's a three point step. Curry's doing that. Yeah. It's like, they don't even understand it. And he got them all upset. And now there's a fight. It was even better. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:24 Now there's a fight between the left and the right. You can't take away this sign. We're fucking idiots racist. And it means nothing. He trolled them both. I had him, my podcast, or he's your first skeptic thing. And I was just talking about trolling

Starting point is 00:40:36 and the origins of it and how he does it. And I got demonetized on YouTube. No. Yeah. For having him on? I had to start a new account. You can no longer make any money on YouTube for just hearing that we're wrong about him.

Starting point is 00:40:50 It's wild. So yeah, a few times you got to like consider it. But at the same time, it's like, I make money on the road. You know. Yeah, you've always been brave. You've always had that, you know, like you've always not really mattered where the spoon is coming from as much.

Starting point is 00:41:05 Or that's what it seemed like from an outsider's perspective. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah, Patrice would talk about it. If you, you owe them, they're going to call in that favor. You know, it's like, just like, guys, we got to be true to ourselves.

Starting point is 00:41:17 And at some point it's like, well, we need you to just like, I don't want to, that's not funny. I don't want to do that fun. Oh yeah. You know. Well, that's great that that's definitely, I think happened over the years, especially with like Holly. Well, like, you know, like Comedy Central

Starting point is 00:41:30 sent me some offer the other day. It was like six episodes of something. And it was like $1,500 an episode or something, you know. And it was just, and it was very nice. But it was like, I've got three shows to you guys that you guys fucking passed on. And then now you should, it's just like, don't you have any fucking cooth even as a, you know,

Starting point is 00:41:51 it's almost like you walk past me a million times in the dog kennel. And then finally, when I have a collar. No, I'm the fucking king's dog. Yeah, exactly. Like, come on over here. But I've got an owner. Thank you. You come by and ask me if I want to fucking come and.

Starting point is 00:42:03 I got some great advice from Eddie Griffin once. He told me, I booked my first commercial. It was like a big commercial. And back then that was like some level of success, you know. And I remember this chick, it was a double. And she would never give me the time. She literally wouldn't say hi back to me when I said hello. Then I'm on a commercial and she was like, oh, hi.

Starting point is 00:42:21 I saw your commercial. I was like, you treating me well now? I was telling Eddie Griffin about it. He goes, so what's your question? Like he was already made it a little bit. And he's like, so like, you don't know how to like treat him because they were like such dicks to you. And now you know the only being nice because you're doing well.

Starting point is 00:42:34 And I was like, yeah, he goes, here's what you do. Have sex with them. Wow. Because that's your revenge. Have sex with them. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:43 If you're good at sex, if not, it's just. Yeah, it is, it is shitty. Robbie from, uh, from when he was still at, uh, uh, my house. Robbie from, uh, from when he was still at, uh, Montreal. Uh-huh. He would do this great thing where he'd call people like Whitney. And he'd be like, just to call, not to do any, not to get them going. Just go, hey, sorry, I missed the boat on you.

Starting point is 00:43:04 I know you showcase for new faces a bunch and we didn't take you. And clearly looking back, we were wrong. Anyway, no offer or anything. I just want you to know that. And if Comedy Central called you with no offer, just like, hey, Theo. And it wasn't me. I wasn't in this position before, but someone else here was. So I know you blame the whole company.

Starting point is 00:43:19 Just so you know, we're happy for your success. Clearly we missed the boat. So that fucked us over. Yeah. And we're sorry about that. I hope you're having a good day. Yeah, there's, oh, it would have been nice. There's nothing, nothing.

Starting point is 00:43:30 But I guess that's life. And then if they come to you six months later, like, Hey, you want to do this? I did like maybe you guys seem cool. That apology. I didn't pick you up from the airport. I should have. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:43:39 You can't just skate by it. Yeah. You got to own up to it. That's fascinating, man. That's a good point. It's a real good point, man. I think a lot of that is just like, yeah, making some amends, having some.

Starting point is 00:43:50 I didn't do that right. And I'm sorry. It's just like, I've had, I mean, I've had people turn on me left and right. So you know how few of them ever said, Hey, man, I shouldn't have done that. Okay, forgiven. But most of them just go, I hope it goes away.

Starting point is 00:44:03 Yeah. And then when you come successful, like my friends have, they go, how are you doing? I'm like, you don't think I remember? Oh, they don't. That's the worst, man. I've had it. You got another Celsius back there.

Starting point is 00:44:17 Oh, Zach, or can you have Colin grab one? Thank you. That's the worst when I've had friends that have gotten successful that had done me wrong. And I still had to be like, not like subservient to them, but I knew I was never going to get any like apology or something. You know, I guess that's just life though, huh? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:38 I've had people, thank you. That's five cents. I've had people apologize to Rogan about what they said to me. And it's like, oh, what a weird Hollywood thing. You'll say you're sorry to the famous guy because you're afraid he might turn on you, but never to the guy you actually wronged.

Starting point is 00:44:59 Or you wait till the famous guy called you out and go, okay, I shouldn't have done that. And it's like, be a fucking man, man or woman, but be an adult. It's hard. And most of the women are trying to be men, let's be honest. So it's like, be a man. Be a man. Be a fucking man.

Starting point is 00:45:12 Be a man, ladies. Be a man. Sorry, I got to stop on a not funny track. Let's take a something funny to talk about. What about dating? What's up in the day in the love life? I don't know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:25 Welcome. He's dude's butts, man. They're so hungry for my cock. Are they really? Yeah. Have you been doing giving? You don't do gay stuff, huh? Sometimes you gotta get in there and mix it up.

Starting point is 00:45:34 I've never done it, man. I think if I was in like the milk or a war or something maybe. Yeah. How long in the zombie apocalypse would it take for you to fuck a butt? No women. A man or woman? Have you ever fucked a woman butt? I've probably been around, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:54 I've done what I could anyway. It's a real, it's, it looks easier in a draw, you know. You still got, do you still do hugging conventions? It looks easier in, oh, you mean the orgasic meditation conventions? The huggings, you go over and like cuddle with people? No, I never did that. What I did was the orgasic meditation. What is that?

Starting point is 00:46:11 They just had a documentary on it actually. I just watched a little bit of it. Oh no, on the orgasic meditation. It was called One Taste. This was a program. I thought, yeah, they had to go over and keep women company. Yeah. So this was the program, man.

Starting point is 00:46:27 It's so funny you've mentioned that, dude. You have such a good memory. Sometimes. Short term gone, long term is still there. Yeah, I talked about it 10 years ago. That's why. This one, they had this orgasm incorporated. She's cute.

Starting point is 00:46:40 She can get it. That chick can get it. She is the creator of it. I think her name was Audra something. She can call herself whatever she wants. So she, this was orgasic meditation. I got invited by the lady that does Tommy Pickle's voice on Rugrats, right? So she invited me, I met her on a podcast

Starting point is 00:47:00 and she invites me down to this meditation thing. Her brother, I think had been in prison and he was there. So next thing I know, I walk in, it's like this kind of nice ambiance. It's in a warehouse downtown and there's people like having like a little, you know, cantaloupe and everything like that little tray of this and that little meat, select meats and stuff like that. And so I'm having a nice time and then we all sit in the chairs. They start telling us what it's about and then it's called orgasmic meditation.

Starting point is 00:47:30 Then they get a woman up front on this table and they take her underwear off and then she like has her legs open. Yeah, this is it kind of, she has her legs open on these pillows and then the man puts on gloves and they just pick two people out of the show. I mean, it was like red rover, red rover. What? So this dude is like, oh man, it's so embarrassing too. It's like in class when they're like, who knows the answer?

Starting point is 00:47:57 And you're like, don't call me, don't call me. Yeah. And this is like raising your hand, but with your push. And so you got to go in there and just fucking. Well, they teach you how to do it. They teach you how to use, you just use one finger and you do a certain amount of lotion and stuff like that. And first you have to describe the woman's

Starting point is 00:48:13 vulva maybe or something. I don't know what it's called. Ubula. Pussy. Yeah. Yeah. You got to describe that. And it's kind of crazy because sometimes you're like, man, it looks like, you know,

Starting point is 00:48:25 it looks like, it looks disgusting. Well, it looks like somebody made it with a shotgun. You know, but then sometimes you're like, damn. Looks like you need serious medical help. Yeah. Sometimes you're like, man, this thing looks like a damn paper cut, but a fucking positive attitude on it. You know, like, so sometimes it was, but anyway, you had to do that.

Starting point is 00:48:42 And then you had to sit there and they had like a certain way you had to kind of pleasure the woman, clitoral stimulation. And then the boss would walk around and tell you how to do it. So you would. Like a yoga instructor is like, no, no, get your back. Yeah. Like they're like, oh, wow. And it would be 15 minutes of pure doing that.

Starting point is 00:49:05 And you did that? You reached in a fucking. You have gloves on. So it's almost just like dying. It's almost like dying your sideburns or your beard. I mean, it just, you know, it just takes a little while. In a way, I'm sure it is. In another way, it's really different than that.

Starting point is 00:49:22 But it was crazy, man. And then at the end, you all hugged. They do a big team hug. And you never fucked. No, but there's people that want to fuck. I mean, like. You must. So then you get on the message board.

Starting point is 00:49:32 And now you're driving over to people's houses during the day and stopping over and one lady over on Laurel Canyon up there, her dog bit, that's when I quit. Her dog bit me while I was doing the thing, you know, and she wouldn't lock the dog up and something fighting with this lady and her, you know, her pants or just the whole, it was like, this is too much. I don't want to get a charge or nothing.

Starting point is 00:49:53 And I'm not doing anything bad, you know. But it was sometimes you go over and then they want set. You get them all wrapped up. Yeah, I bet. I bet, like, hey. Yeah. You're like, I'm just trying to do the program, dude. Because if you get matched up with a 70 year old,

Starting point is 00:50:08 you get matched up with like a 21 year old. Yeah. Then you turn on. I heard a story about Red Fox. He would ask somebody to go to the comedy store, the waitresses. His office was like down the street from the store and say, go ask those hot waitresses, you know, guys, whatever to come over to my place. Say, Red Fox wants you to go over there and it'll give you $500.

Starting point is 00:50:31 He just wants to go down on you. Hmm. That's it. And they're like, what do you mean? He goes, he wants to go down on you. And you'll be 500 bucks and goes, I don't have to sex like, nope, 500 bucks. Wow. He'll go down on you.

Starting point is 00:50:43 Well, okay. Celebrity wants to go down on me, 500 bucks. Not bad. I don't have to do anything. Once you're in there, he's going down on you. It goes, hey, 500 more. Let's fuck. And you're already in the mindset.

Starting point is 00:50:53 You're already like, have this guy licking your box. And you're like, all right, fuck it. Yeah, let's go. Wow. You wouldn't have gone for a thousand for sex, incrementally. So what is that? Is that like, you're already fucking rubbing a chick's fucking monkey. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:08 And then it's like, oh, well, don't leave so soon. And then he leaves and he's like, now you know why they call me Red Fox. Maybe he's like the menstrual starter and he just like starts. It's like, yeah, the menstrual show. You worried you're pregnant? Yeah, I don't worry, I got you. Damn, dude. And he's just wearing a chef's hat.

Starting point is 00:51:32 So racist. Those are kids? Those are my nieces and nephews. They're good kids. Oh, they're pretty good. The one's bad. You can see the one is bad. Which one is he?

Starting point is 00:51:44 That one. He's got problems. Oh, he does, actually. He used to hide on the shelves and you come in a room and he fucking like a damn gargoyle. Yeah, he was real wild. Have you had the chance to be an uncle or an aunt? Yeah, I'm an uncle a ton.

Starting point is 00:51:56 Are you? Yeah, I'm the cool uncle. My brother thought he was the cool uncle. And I was like, why would you be the cool uncle? And he's like, what do you mean? I'm like, cool. And I'm like, Michael, I like, I fuck hookers, dude. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:52:10 Yeah. I traveled the world. You might be a cool uncle in another family. Right. I'm a stand up comedian, dude. Right. What do you get? Casual Fridays?

Starting point is 00:52:20 Yeah. Fuck out of here, bro. I'm the cool uncle. Yeah, I'm the cool uncle. They're all, when they want to experiment with drugs, who are they going to call? You. You or me?

Starting point is 00:52:29 Yeah. Me. Yeah. Yeah. That's true, huh? There is something fun about being the cool uncle. Also, there's something that gets weird for me about being the still sing, the still not married uncle.

Starting point is 00:52:39 Right. Do you start to feel that at all? Like you're at an event and you realize, oh my god, everybody here has a spouse or a significant other. Yeah, your friends from high school too. When they're like, what? Or they'll live through you. You go to the beach weekend with them.

Starting point is 00:52:53 Like, you're going to try to fuck? I'm like, no, I'm here with you guys. We're playing can jam. Yeah. And they're like, you try to fuck. And I'm like, guys, relax. Yeah, yeah. And the only person around here is your wife.

Starting point is 00:53:04 So you need to be egging this stuff on. And besides, GH, she's just going to leave in about six months. Exactly. I can see it. I've seen breakups. You have it. They ain't going well. Yeah, it is weird because you also start to be like, people are like,

Starting point is 00:53:17 I don't know, guys are like, I don't know if I'm with that guy around, some single guy. And and then also the wives start to hate you. Yeah. The wives and then the kids will get into college. And then the dude, I had a buddy of mine's kid was flirting with me. And I'm like, Jeepers creepers, man, you know, an adult, you know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:34 But 22 years old. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm like, shut this down. You know, you got to fuck her. No, you got to know. I'm sorry, dude. The ruling has been made.

Starting point is 00:53:45 It's out of my hands now. I like a second opinion. You're on her. And then it's a black dude in his chef's hand. It's like, fuck her, buddy. Dude, I'm always telling my buddy's kid to like, she's like, kind of, not shiftless, but directionless. She's like, she went to a year college and she's trying to figure it out.

Starting point is 00:54:00 And I'm like, I'm like, hey, you should go travel. Same as I tell you, but I'm like, especially a 20, 21 year old. I'm like, it's the perfect time. Take that gap. You're find out what you're interested in. Go to South America. And I don't tell my buddy that I keep telling her that, you know, because I can't be like, are you telling my fucking kid to leave

Starting point is 00:54:15 the country, you know? And I'm like, I mean, as your kid's friend. Yeah. I'm telling her like real advice. It's up to you to let her not go, but. Yeah, that's true. Do you, she saw my special on YouTube. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:30 Yeah. She loved it. People are liking it. Have you noticed that there's been a good, well, I guess you'll probably start going out and touring more now or what's kind of some of the plan after it. It is a plan and you want people to see you. People want to see you. People will.

Starting point is 00:54:43 I'm going to get lost a little bit. You know, take a little vacay, go to South America. So where is a place that I should, what's a place? Because if I'm not doing drugs and stuff, what's a good place for me to go? Oh my God. So many. Okay. What interests you?

Starting point is 00:54:58 Maui, I like usually. Okay. Let's go deeper than that. Okay. We're further away. Let's another country. All right. What do you got?

Starting point is 00:55:07 What's what closet your head? You know, you got, you got some weeds in there. What have you always been interested in? I like Spanish. Spanish. Okay. What about Spain? What about all of Latin America and any, any countries like kind of pop into your

Starting point is 00:55:20 head of like, let me just throw some names out. Belize, Guatemala, Nicaragua. Nicaragua. My father's from there. That'd be cool. Argentina. Argentina would be cool. Have you been there?

Starting point is 00:55:31 No. I would love to. Yeah. Go to, um, what's the main city in Argentina? Uh, Mar-A-Los-Sea. No, no. St. Paul's, Brazil, um, Zach doesn't know it. I thought I'd do it off the top of my head.

Starting point is 00:55:49 Damn, I should know it. I know we all should. Buenos Aires. Buenos Aires. Start there. Take some tango classes. Tim Ferriss went there a long time ago. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:57 And then fell in love with tango live for six months, taking tango lessons. Wow. Do you think? Yeah. Go there. There's great stay and then go away from the city. You can get an Airbnb to have a home base there and then like go on little trips and come keep on back to that Airbnb.

Starting point is 00:56:14 Take my podcast stuff, do a couple episodes down there if I need to. A thousand percent. You could do that. Especially you do it solo a lot, right? Yeah, sometimes. Next week is solo, guys. Well, dude, then yeah. And the devil's experiences come back without a few.

Starting point is 00:56:28 I just did this crazy trip doing this. I took my first tango, do an hour on that. And then like the next day, like I had another crazy experience, wait again, space them out, you know, release them every week. Oh, if you could take your podcast shit there, for sure. Find an Argentinian comic who speaks English. Or just any Argentinian. A hundred percent.

Starting point is 00:56:48 Interview them. Regular people shit. Where is a place? Dude, yes, you could do that. That is a good idea. I wonder right after Christmas, I have some time. This is what I told Bobby because he said you might, guys might be doing something. And he goes, uh, he goes, well, I got to finish whatever he's finishing and whenever it is.

Starting point is 00:57:07 And then he goes, then I might have this thing. I'm like, put it in your contract ahead of time. You can't, you're done. No matter when it's the whatever deal is finalized, you're done. June, July, you're not available. We can start in August. And they go, well, we want you to like, it's already my deal. Start in August.

Starting point is 00:57:20 Yeah. Talk to Theo ahead of time. Have your same, take the same fucking time. 2.0 serious. You know how jealous I am just hearing that the thought of that is a possibility. It's that fun? Oh my God. Take your pockets.

Starting point is 00:57:31 Look at me. So take some Spanish classes. Go there and just enroll in a Spanish class. You know, it'll give you some like direction every day. You'll meet some other people in the class. Plus you'll be a nobody, which will be cool. Yeah. You know, walk the streets.

Starting point is 00:57:43 No one will look at you. No one will say anything to you. Yeah. And you can do your podcast from there. God damn it. You've made a fucking perfect life. Fuck. I'm legitimately jealous at the thought of that.

Starting point is 00:57:55 I'm jealous of the thought of it too. And it could be a reality. It could easily be a reality. Grab this fucking mic and just take it and unscrew this thing. I hope. Go. I hope. What's a place where you've gone if you're doing so,

Starting point is 00:58:08 just so our audience knows if people want to meet great food, where do they go? Because you've been so many places. Thailand is great food. Mexico is like the star of Latin America. Yeah. For food. But I mean, there's also great food everywhere. But like I'm trying to think Europe is not as great for food.

Starting point is 00:58:27 Food. Finding a wife, where do they go? Vietnam, Cambodia. Yeah, you can fucking get yourself a nice one. Dude, I went to one. But I mean an actual wife, not a sex. Oh. People like Costa Rica.

Starting point is 00:58:43 Oh yeah, I learned to surf. Yeah, yeah. Down in the Florida Keys. Yeah, it's a different place, but yeah. Where else, dude? Dude, I went to look for some live music. I was in, I think, Cambodia. And I was like, it was my day.

Starting point is 00:58:58 My psychogeography, the death. I'm going to find some live music. I'm going to sit with my notebook and do some writing. Couldn't find it. Eventually it was like, oh, I think there's someone in this bar. Like, oh, only on Mondays. Like, fuck. And then I kept all night.

Starting point is 00:59:08 Like, look, found some. And it was just an 80s cover band. And it was a sex bar. Wow. And it was all these old 62-year-old men, you know, with their young women and young men. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:20 And they were all, they had a community. And so it was cheesy fucking beach rock, you know, playing cranberries and shit like that. And all these dudes. Duh, bitch. Yeah. Duh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Some guys getting a low job by like a 21-year-old.

Starting point is 00:59:33 And they're not in a rush, because these girls are hanging out with them, you know. And they're all talking to each other. They're all smiling, because they're not worried about some chick bringing them down. Which was like, you have $8? Wow, it can change my life. Yeah. It's going to be so cool.

Starting point is 00:59:47 Dude, I would love to see you host a show like 90-day fiancee or something like that. Because I feel like you'd have such a good take on where these people are from and some of the ambiance of these countries and the reality of them staying together and the bullshit, you know. Yeah. If you did a recap of that, I think. Talk to them like, what's it like?

Starting point is 01:00:07 No judgment. Yeah. No judgment. That's the key. No judgment. But because people go over there and they, you know, somebody gets a little calf with them or something. There's a lot of dowry going on.

Starting point is 01:00:15 And it's like, you kind of don't know what's going on. Some of them, too, they'll be your tour guide slash sex person for like a week or two. And then they're just like, I love you. I love you. It's like a girlfriend experience. And then they go, hey, I'm having trouble paying my rent. Do you mind sending me? They're like, here's 500 bucks.

Starting point is 01:00:28 And every year they're like, hey, my son's having a surgery. He's like, here's 500 bucks. They get six or seven of those guys on the hook. They're making their living. Fuck. 500 bucks every two months with a different guy. They used to have a guy when a lot of Nigerians, dude, and are Nigeria's, whatever they call them.

Starting point is 01:00:45 But whenever they were doing that thing where they were scamming people on the internet, scamming people's grandparents. Oh, yeah. There's a comedian whose grandparents got scammed, right? So he started to, his grandmother got scammed. I wish I could remember his name. I know it was Bob Saget.

Starting point is 01:01:04 He worked with Bob Saget? He was Bob Saget. Oh, what happened to Bob Saget? Well, there was another guy that it happened to. Yeah. And it, uh... I like to replace, instead of like saying people's names, I'll just replace him with dead comics.

Starting point is 01:01:15 So this did happen to Bob Saget. Oh, no, I think it was Louis Anderson this happened to. Okay. Oh, right. Okay. So his mother got scammed. So then what he started doing was, he started saying, he started contacting these people and saying, all right, I'll give you this money. He didn't, they didn't know is the grandson.

Starting point is 01:01:31 I'll give you this money. If you do a reenactment of like the intro to, or this scene from Seinfeld. What? And he'd send them a link to the scene and then you'd have like four Nigerians send back like a spoof like, and he just kept putting these together.

Starting point is 01:01:50 Wow. Oh, he played a couple of them for me. It was so ridiculous. So Tebow does that. Jason Tebow does that with like, with like sex, like, hey, I'm horny. And he'd be like, what are you up to now? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:00 He goes back and forth with them on like DMs. And he was like, I don't know, thinking of killing myself. Well, what's you up to? Like, uh, I need a man. And he goes, yeah, it's cool. I read any good books. He just refuses.

Starting point is 01:02:12 He just keeps them on the line. It's so great. Oh, it's so fun to fuck with them back. I mean, like, you're not going to get me. Yeah, that's sick, man. Getting the sex, getting into that sex work. I wonder if that's how Bobby got his Twitter hacked. Oh, is that what happened?

Starting point is 01:02:29 I bet he was like, he was like, somebody was like, you're so hot. He was like, well, let me send you my passwords. I bet it must have been. Who gets scammed if you're not a grandma? Did his Twitter get hacked? I didn't see that. What'd they do?

Starting point is 01:02:40 Send out nudes or something? No, they're just like, give me money. Hey, I'm in, I'm in. I need some, can you wire me 200 bucks? I got to make bail. I got a buddy like that. We knew a guy who got the Nigerian scam. These guys used to hang out at the store.

Starting point is 01:02:55 Sweets are protected. His account's locked now. Protected about what? I don't know if anyone can help Bobby get his Twitter back. Let him know. If they're protected by Stevie, he's fucked. Stevie Weeby. Yeah, and he said, his brother was like,

Starting point is 01:03:07 he's acting like a dick to all of us. What's going on? Like, what are you acting like a dick? He's like, I'm about to come into some fucking money. You guys will all be sorry. And they're like, what? Like, yeah, dude. He started just being a complete asshole to everybody.

Starting point is 01:03:16 And like, where are you getting this money? He's like, I know a guy, royalty. He's getting out. And I got off. And they were like, what? Like, he fell for it. A 22-year-old. No.

Starting point is 01:03:25 And they're like, that's a scam. He goes, no, it's not. And they were like, was he from Nigeria? And they're like, he was like, it's not a scam. Just realized, like, that's your natural state. It's to be a dick. Oh, yeah. Money will make you see some things about yourself, man.

Starting point is 01:03:40 We gave Eddie Bravo a red band did. We were on the road. I think it was in Boston with Rogan. And he got one of those fake scratch-off tickets. Handed out a couple, like, losers in one winner. They always sell them in, like, three. So a red band's like, here, I got everybody's scratch-offs. Gave Eddie Bravo the fake one.

Starting point is 01:03:56 He gets two, like, cash, cash. And he goes, whoa. And we're all like, I was like, ah, I lost. You know? Red band's like, I fucking lost, too. And he's like, I need one more cash sign. And he fucking hits it. We let him play.

Starting point is 01:04:08 And he's like, oh, my god, I won $10,000. This is crazy. And we're like, wait. And he goes, Red Band, I'm giving you $5,000. I'm giving you five. That would still go on the whole, drinks are on me. And he was so nice. We're like, ah, fuck.

Starting point is 01:04:21 We were, like, hoping he'd be a dick. And he was so nice. We're like, ah, we got to break the news to him. We felt so bad. Oh, I'm glad you brought him. I got to text Eddie back, actually. Even saying that makes me feel like, dang, I need a message. What else do we have?

Starting point is 01:04:37 Some more news that came up. Yeah, we got some stories here. OK. Well, Elon Musk apparently fired a Twitter employee who disagreed with him. You must love this, Ari, huh? I love it. You must love this world because Elon is now

Starting point is 01:04:51 this sort of Geppetto of this world that was really, that we don't need Twitter. We don't. I deleted mine a year and a half ago. It's such a toxic place. It's such a, you can't say anything like, oh, I like this cactus. Like, well, there's a lot of other fucking vegetable fruits and trees that need help, too.

Starting point is 01:05:07 And you're like, oh, it's just, it's only there for apologies. And wow, they spoke out on Twitter and even the company's private Slack. Yeah, I guess the developer was kind of, Elon tweeted something about the infrastructure of Twitter and a developer was like, he's wrong. And then he's on fire. Oh, guess what?

Starting point is 01:05:25 These people lost their way. This Gen Z and even some millennials, they think they're powerful. You can't publicly talk shit about your boss. It's like, what world did you grow up in where you can just shit on your boss and think that's OK? And they all do on Slack. They go over people's heads.

Starting point is 01:05:41 That's why in New York times, you can't write a real story because you go over your boss's heads or your boss's boss and they go, hey, are you not printing the stories of the young black people? And I'm like, no, I'm printing the stories of fucking college kids. That's why I'm not printing. They're like, what?

Starting point is 01:05:54 And then I were holding to the fucking employees instead of the employers. And Elon Musk's like, no, I built a billion-dollar company. You know, no. Yeah. No, you're fired. Get out of here. That lady who walked out on Chappelle got,

Starting point is 01:06:06 made as a guest on SNL for the fucking eighth time, you know? And she's like, oh, I'm walking out. Or you can just write a pro-chance fucking sketch and make him be in it. Yeah. You know? You actually have a voice. You're going to walk out.

Starting point is 01:06:18 If I was that boss, I'd be like, don't come back. It's OK. That's fair. No, you've voiced your opinion. Don't come back. We booked a guest and you're an employee here. You're not allowed to walk out. Do you think Hollywood has narrowed itself into a whole?

Starting point is 01:06:30 I mean, I think a lot of, like, you can't even make fun. The only people you can make fun of any more are Russians, I feel like, or poor. Even then, look, the top gun, they just go the enemy. They can't even make fun of Russia. Yeah. Or poor white people, they still make fun of it. Poor whites, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:44 Most of your family, they're, like, theos of family. String them up. I think that's why you get a lot of people that are so, like, against. Christians. Yeah. Yeah. Um.

Starting point is 01:06:55 Yeah, you can't make fun of Jews. You can't make fun of blacks. You can't make fun of gays. I can. My new special, I should be a Jew on YouTube right now. Guys, I'm a fucking broke. Please go in there. Watch it.

Starting point is 01:07:04 Donate. I need some fucking money. That is right. I can't afford pizza. I do. One thing I loved about your special was, the special was free, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:11 And then one of the first comments was, it was like, uh, who says Jews never give anything away for free? Now go donate. Now go donate. Exactly. Yeah, I'm like, here's this free thing, but give me some money.

Starting point is 01:07:22 Yeah, but it was, I thought that was really, really cute though, but that's cool. Yeah, guys, check it out and make a donation there to, uh, to support the freedom of comedy also too. You know, I always wondered if guys like, Rogan would, uh, create a platform that people subscribe to, you know, that would be cool. I could see Segur doing it too.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Like a $5 a month app on your, on your Apple TV. And you get a special a month, special a month, just content, just contents coming out. And don't worry, it's going to be funny because the guy in charge is like, we want funny, right? Will you have black people? Yeah, sure. We're looking funny people have everybody.

Starting point is 01:07:56 Yeah. But we're not going to be behold, we're not going to be like, fuck, we haven't had a, I don't know, Arab comic in too long, just get us some open miker. Like they're not going to do that, no. So yeah, that would be great. And that's, I guess a lot of things get put on Rogan's shoulders, I guess, hypothetically, since he's such a force,

Starting point is 01:08:13 you know, but yeah, guys like Segur or even if like a group of comedians partnered up and said, okay, let's create this platform. We'll each put a special on it once every two years. So you know what they say, like you make money on YouTube, right? They said, like if you see the, so if you're making money on YouTube and they're selling ads,

Starting point is 01:08:31 YouTube is making money. Most of it, most of it, probably 80, 90% of it, which is fine, whatever, they kick some down. So it incentivizes you to put stuff up. But what if we just made our own platform and we put stuff up on YouTube and there, this other platform where we get all of it minus some operating costs, we just get all of it. That'd be a lot of money.

Starting point is 01:08:53 Yeah. You know, if we're making 10% of it and you can make, so far three and a half million hits on that. I think I've made like 25 grand in ad revenue. And that's 10% of what they're making. So what if I made 250? Well, my special will be paid off, you know? That's true.

Starting point is 01:09:11 Who's going to make maybe a few comics? The dream's out there. I don't have the wherewithal. Someone needs to put it in and cash in. I've mentioned it to some other comedians. I think it's hard to make a platform that actually works well, doesn't lag and shit like that, but. Right.

Starting point is 01:09:25 I think you would get together because say if you got, you know, if you get a million people to subscribe at $5 a month, they know they're going to get one. Even ads, even free. Just come here. And then the ads come in just like here, but we get it all. Right. I guess I was thinking of something that just had specials on it.

Starting point is 01:09:40 That too. That would also be great. So even if you started with that, you just had specials. Yeah. A special a month for five bucks. A special a month for five bucks. You would need a lot of subscribers because if you had 50 people wouldn't pay for it.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Right. You'd have to have a, say if you get a million, right? Yeah. Which I think, say if you had enough certain comedians, you could get them all to say. You could get them all to say. You could go by views. You could decide after the end of the year.

Starting point is 01:10:00 So that's 50 million a year. 50 million a month. Oh my God. Yeah. So then. No, no, no. 5 million a month. Oh, if you got a million people, $5, good call.

Starting point is 01:10:09 Yeah. Damn. It was like, well, that's going to be true. And that's why you. That's that swamp math. That's why you need an accountant. That's why you need a, that's why you need a, that's why you need a, Ari Shaffir Jew on YouTube.

Starting point is 01:10:22 You got to have a partner in crime. Yeah. 5 million a month. So that's 60 million a year. So now we're working on it. So then if you paid the comedian, say you gave each comedian, whoever's going to put their special on,

Starting point is 01:10:34 you gave them $2 million. Right? Yeah. For their special. And then you said also, in three years, you get the special back. It's returned back to you. You've always known it's just sitting here.

Starting point is 01:10:45 Right. And it'll sit here for a certain number of years, and then at a certain number of years, it'll go back to you. And then every month you did that. Split it up by downloads, whatever. And it's also, hey, if people are coming here to watch specials,

Starting point is 01:10:55 keep it up there. Right. You know? Yeah, you can keep it up there. And I put it on YouTube as well. Sure, but you're getting less percentage on YouTube than here. Put it up on both.

Starting point is 01:11:02 But I think then you would have a platform that kind of sets comedy free in a way. Sets it free. I mean, it would only be free. I mean, Making $2 million would be a lot more than losing $180,000. Please don't eat guys.

Starting point is 01:11:14 I'm fucking so broke. We're going to make a nice donation to it, man, just to thank you for coming too. Oh, nice. And for your time. I got some 50s. Some people donate $50. Some people don't even want it.

Starting point is 01:11:24 I'm like, that's great. I get it. You don't have any money, but you want to be like, that was good. Here's something. I like those. Is there a strong support from the Jewish community being Jewish, do you feel like?

Starting point is 01:11:33 Dude, I thought it might go negative, and it's not in that. It's been really like, people are like, this is awesome. This is clearly reverential to our society. Making fun in a fun way, you know? Yeah, what are the rules of that you can make fun of Jews or not?

Starting point is 01:11:48 Like our joke about it? It's its tone. If I'm like, if you like, I don't know, if I say like, shut up, redneck, you know, you know, I'm joking. There's a tone behind it where some other guy's like, shut up, redneck. You'd be like, hey, hey, no.

Starting point is 01:12:04 You know, there's like, you can tell a friendliness. So it's like, it's tough to tell. And even, I guess, and if a joke is good too. That helps too. If a joke doesn't go over, it seems more hateful than if it does go over. Like me, Brian Dorfman and I always tell Jewish jokes to each other, right?

Starting point is 01:12:20 And he, one of my favorite ones is like, oh, what did the one Jewish guy say to you? He goes, hey, man, I'm sorry to hear about the fire. And he goes, it's Tuesday. That's what happened. Yeah, that's what he has called Jewish lightning. The insurance. He talked about some strip club burning down on Sunday.

Starting point is 01:12:39 He goes, dude, they caught fire. It burns so much that the bus stop outside on the sidewalk melted. That ain't no fucking fire. That's where they went too hard on it. Burned harder than 9-11, dude. Which we also planned. Yeah, it's funny.

Starting point is 01:12:57 It's a good one. That's one of my favorite. That's a good one. Ever the lady from crackers? Yeah. Tom Segura took me there. He goes, he goes, hey, it's a break-even week, but you'll get you in, you know,

Starting point is 01:13:08 if you want to come feature for me. It'll just pay for your, you know, flight. But she puts you in a hotel, so that's fine. Okay. And she started running with Jewish jokes. And I was on stage, and she goes, Tom, she goes, should we throw quarters at him? Uh-huh, really?

Starting point is 01:13:21 Tom was like laughing. He goes, I don't think you should. You give people the power to like, I go nuts. Yeah, that's true, huh? That's interesting. Did they, did you feel like a lot of the Kanye stuff? Like did they, did you have people asking you about it? Oh yeah, I think it was probably mislabeled.

Starting point is 01:13:43 What do you think is going on with Kanye? I don't think he's happy with his agents. He's saying, literally, legitimately, he's saying the same shit that I've said for years. You call agents your Jews. I've been just calling the Jews. There's a lot of Jews in there. So it's a colloquial, you know.

Starting point is 01:13:58 Right, my Jews here. My literal agent is not Jewish, but he's one of my Jews. And when he goes, I'm going Def Con on the Jews, he means he's going to fire his agents. He's just saying it, he's an artist. He's not just going to say, I'm going to fire my agents. That's not fun. I wish he'd do it through song.

Starting point is 01:14:15 That's where he excels. Oh, you know, but, but like, they're like, these anti-Semitic statements like guys, he doesn't, they write a narrative and then they go like, that narrative can't be wrong. So let's jump off from there. I'm like, I think you're jumping off ground might be wrong. You know, it's, oh, he's,

Starting point is 01:14:34 Theo's wearing a purple shirt. So he's gay. So as a gay man sitting here, he has to do this and I'm like, wait, you know, I'd be right about the gay part. Can we reexamine? I'm like, it's a narrative. It's already set. Right.

Starting point is 01:14:44 And so I just don't think he's that. And then you're pushing him deeper and deeper into like defending himself. You're pushing him to be anti-Semitic. He might have had one thought here or there. It's a little off and now you're making, who's coming down, who's coming down on them. The fucking Jews are coming down on them.

Starting point is 01:14:57 So now you're their presser. Oh, I don't, I just don't think it's all that. I think Kyrie Irvin too. He's like, oh, he saw a fucking documentary. Yeah, we've all been there. Yeah. He saw a flat earth documentary too. And he liked that one.

Starting point is 01:15:08 Dude, I'll tell you this, the flat, I'll tell you how I even learned about flat earth. I'm at a pizza spot, Palm Springs, two black dudes roll up on me. They said, do you think that that pizza is round or flat? That's what they said. Interesting. It's both.

Starting point is 01:15:24 Right. And next thing you know, for one hour, I'm sitting in an Italian spot, listening to two brothers tell me about flat earth. I'd love to hear that. Here's my advice to everybody. When you meet a crazy person, do not argue with them. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:40 You'll gain nothing. You will not change their opinion, and you will have lost the chance to hear their whole crazy argument. If you meet a QAnon person, you go, you're making some good points. What else you got? Just do your research.

Starting point is 01:15:53 You won't get access like that. That's a good point. You know, if you get fucking Mike Shanahan, going like, I'll tell you about some places, like, oh no, those places don't work. No, just go, okay, I'm here listening. Just listen. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:06 So yeah, flat earth, by the way, literally every person I know, maybe outside Joe Rogan, cannot prove to you that the earth is round. I think it's round, but I can't tell you why. I would not be shocked if it wasn't. Yeah, I'd be like, mm-hmm. I would not be shocked, dude.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Yeah, who the fuck was Galileo? Some fucking, he didn't even have fucking Spotify. That was one thing that I thought was interesting that Kanye said was about like history, like the people that whoever owns the world or controls the world. Writes the history. Writes the history.

Starting point is 01:16:38 Yeah. That's fascinating, dude, because I went to Cuba as a student, I went to Cuba, and the bookstores there, they start with when Fidel and Che had control. Wow. And you can't get a book. You can't get it.

Starting point is 01:16:52 That's like 1984, you rewrite the history. In Shanghai, Ho Chi Minh, excuse me, that's what they call it, they have, they call it the American War, not the Vietnam War, because it's like, this is just, the Americans attacking us with just one of the, we just drove out the French and then we had a few years and the Americans came in.

Starting point is 01:17:11 They call it the war, war Rembrandt's Museum, something like that. And it's just about the American incursion. And it's like, oh yeah, I guess you have a different angle on it than we do. You were just living your life and suddenly some fucking round eyes showed up and started pushing you around.

Starting point is 01:17:29 Oh yeah, weird. Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? It's interesting that like even in Rome, probably the Romans probably had the ability to write history. Yeah, and that's what they're doing now when the Rolling Stones rewrites a list of like top albums. They're like, well, it was all white albums with a few, but it's like, they actually make really good music.

Starting point is 01:17:47 We should reexamine that based on like, if I had to write top albums, it'd all be alt rock. You know, it wouldn't even be metal. So I shouldn't be able to write it, but if I was in charge, it'd be all arcade fire, one through four, then the killer is four through eight. Yeah, so you need some other ideas in there. Yeah, that's sometimes what I think about Hollywood

Starting point is 01:18:10 like that I felt about Hollywood is like, I would go into a lot of meetings, a lot of pitches and stuff, and it kind of felt like the people had this, it was like the same people over a while, or the same mindset. Yeah, it's like, you don't want a diversity of experience, you know, like we need some black people.

Starting point is 01:18:30 It's like, well, go get Ms. Pat. And like, yeah, it's not the kind of black we're looking for. And like, we'll go find them. It's not just like this, it was like, whenever we did this, not happening, or it's like, we needed this one is, it was the same list of minorities. And I'm like, guys, these, these aren't good.

Starting point is 01:18:45 Yeah. You got to go look, you got to go to Houston and find Ali. I need a guy who has N word in his name, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, I need somebody who's like, you know what I'm saying? Or I need somebody who-

Starting point is 01:18:55 Brother Ali. Yeah, or somebody who's like, yeah, it just, I think that's one of the, been one of the things about Hollywood that I think puts us in a place like, Quentin Tarantino, what did he just say? If you're able to find that up, Zach? Yeah, he, he just did an interview where he said,

Starting point is 01:19:10 we're in the worst age of movies of all time. I agree. If you wanted to do a cop drama right now, from the 70s, set in the 70s, you couldn't show the reality of that. Yeah. So you're showing a fake version of it. Or you just like,

Starting point is 01:19:25 then do a cop drama set now, because you can't show the reality. So then it's like, you ever watched like a show when you were growing up and all the cops are like, shut the freak up. And you're like, all right, but you definitely didn't say freak a lot.

Starting point is 01:19:39 Yeah. You know? And it's like, all right, there's sensors. Now there's like sensors are even bigger. You can't just, I mean, when they did the comedy store show, whatever that was that magical was on. Oh, was that when Adam, he could die?

Starting point is 01:19:51 No, he didn't die. Who died? It was about Mitzi and all that. It was like, so I'm dying up here. That's it. And then they, in middle of that, they had the Me Too movement. And they go, well, let's show the women in the 70s,

Starting point is 01:20:04 being strong and independent. And it's like, well, that's not, some of the fucking show was. Yeah. And just in the middle of it, they were like, oh, this just got lame because they're worried about fucking presenting a case instead of just like,

Starting point is 01:20:15 presenting the truth and something fun. That's what gets concerning to me is, is, is Hollywood like, are we starting to get to a point where we're not even presenting the truth, the, what's really happening, but also because we don't, it's the same type of people in there

Starting point is 01:20:30 that we don't know what's, they don't have a, a firm, just like. Wait, they don't understand it. So they don't even know where they're taken down. Right. Sophie Buttle just had this, she made a fucking joke in her special and calling attention to the fucking

Starting point is 01:20:42 rapes of indigenous people in, in Canada. And somebody's like, well, you should, these are troubling things. Yeah, I know. So I'm bringing it up. I've been raped and I'm fucking saying the similarities between what they've been going through. And they fucking crave TV,

Starting point is 01:20:55 fucking cave TV, just fucking took it down. She's getting all these death threats. And she goes, I'm, I'm on the front lines of your fucking cause. And you're coming after me. Are you fucking nuts? They're so worried about it. They never understand their issue.

Starting point is 01:21:08 And they just go like, ah, get rid of it. And you're like, it's your fucking guy with the black guy with the chef hat. Yeah. Who wants a muffin? Yeah. You're racist. Like, I'm me.

Starting point is 01:21:18 It's crazy. I know. And then that's when you start to fume up, I think other people who are like, well, quit fucking picking on me. Like, yes, I'm from the South. I like, I'm not that guy. But I'm not that guy.

Starting point is 01:21:30 Let's see. If we want to know who did slavery, let's go back. You've had a black in this chair. I know that hurt you. And you did it anyway. You had to disinfect this whole thing, but you're doing that because you're looking to change, Theo.

Starting point is 01:21:44 Be the change you wish to see. They call me Harvey chocolate milk, son. We out here, though. Did you see that Dahmer thing? No. You didn't watch it? Not yet. God.

Starting point is 01:22:00 No. I heard a story about a friend of mine, grew up in the Midwest, a long time ago when I was in Yashiva, was in a seminary. But he went over to someone's house and he made a Dahmer joke. You know, they really got quiet.

Starting point is 01:22:12 You know where this is going, what our cousin was one of the victims. And he goes, oh, I got to go. Like, no, it's OK. He goes, no, I got to go. I can't be here anymore. I'm so sorry. And he left seminary?

Starting point is 01:22:27 No. He told, he was in seminary. He told me the story. It was just so uncomfortable. But, you know, wrong audience for sure, but probably still a good joke. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, damn.

Starting point is 01:22:40 Yeah, that guy really did it, man. Yeah, he really went for it. He believed in something. He didn't like gays, man. He loved them. He loved them. Yeah. But it was interesting.

Starting point is 01:22:51 He didn't want people to leave him. That's why he did it. So they'd stay forever. Wow. You know, outside the box thinking, that's what we need more of in this country. Jeffrey Dahmer, hero, spilled his name with an H, you know? Who would have thought H in the middle of that?

Starting point is 01:23:05 And who would have thought eat? A guy fucking outside the box. Eat at Dahmer's. Wouldn't that be crazy? That would be great. Dahmer's. It'd be like burger shaped like fingers and stuff. Like, you know, a lot of chicken fingers.

Starting point is 01:23:17 A lot of chicken fingers. Yeah. Chicken is just wink. The chicken's winking. We're going to Hades, boy. Come and get it. We're going to Hades. What else, man?

Starting point is 01:23:28 What else is on your mind? Are there anything else for me? Damn. I don't know. Let me think. I'm just a... I'm going to look at some new studios today. Oh, really?

Starting point is 01:23:35 I got to get one, I think. So I'm excited about that, do you? Yeah, I'm starting to travel podcast and it's like I'm doing it at my home. I'll catch you on there eventually when you have more time. Yep, I owe you a coming on. So I'm going to come on there. But I hate when people are like,

Starting point is 01:23:46 ah, fuck, I'm busy. I'm always like, then let's not do it. Like, I'm not looking at anybody get rushed. But yeah, I think I want to get like a studio like this so I can go and like have some more space. Would that be in New York or in LA? It'd be in New York. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:57 Yeah. And then I'll just get like a backdrop I can put up and like a studio like this. I can just tape it up to the wall. Or even like a thing. A man told me the other day I was at a breakfast place and he goes, you know what you, you could use maybe a certain piece of signage wherever you are, you take that.

Starting point is 01:24:11 So that just right like this. And now it's like feel bones world. Right. You know, whatever just insignifies there we are. There we are. Yeah, I want to do some of these. I'm going to do this travel podcast and it's called you be tripping. You can subscribe now, but it's not coming out yet.

Starting point is 01:24:23 But what I want to do is some of them in a studio and some of them out there in the world. So if I meet some traveler in fucking Brazil and we're in the rainforest, I'm like, dude, let's shoot right here. This will be cool. We're in front of a waterfall. Yeah. You know, I did one in a hostel in Paris

Starting point is 01:24:37 with this guy who's like traveling for a fucking a year and just some hostile. And I'm like, this is cool. Let's do it here. This is a cool setting. It's not quite as good looking as, you know, a studio like this, but it has some uniqueness. And there's the original element of the rogueness of it.

Starting point is 01:24:53 Yeah. There's that podcast that's not a pie. Have you seen that podcast, but outside? Have you seen that, Zach? Yeah, they do. They shoot it out here on the street in LA. That's kind of interesting. That's interesting.

Starting point is 01:25:03 So each one is like, who's walking by? I'm not shooting them outside. If I think if they don't really go with it, like I feel like they they're pretty safe. They keep things pretty safe on there. I've seen them. They were out on Sam. Oh, damn.

Starting point is 01:25:14 They set up a chair and tables podcast, but outside. That's great. We got Don Draper one time. That's great. They were in a me and Bobby Kelly. We do the cigar podcast, two comics, two cigars. And it's just like me and Bobby Kelly or me and Liz or just two comics recorded fucking podcast,

Starting point is 01:25:31 just with an iPhone and fucking clap it and just like smoke a cigar and talk about it. And then talk. So we did one at a cigar plantation, the foundation cigars, and we just went in the tobacco fields and we set them up and did it. And it just looks cool in front of a field of tobacco leaves. You have it on?

Starting point is 01:25:48 It's on? It's on line? Yeah, that one's up there, I think. Two comics, two cigars. Yeah, from foundation cigars. Tabernacle. Bobby Kelly's so funny, huh? He's so funny.

Starting point is 01:25:56 He's a nice guy. I had a piece of shit, but he is very funny. Yeah, that's him. Yeah, that dog beats his dog, too. Like hard, it's uncomfortable, but that's like part of their culture, you know? Adam Egett really pulls his dog around the city I've seen. Yeah, Austin, mistreats it.

Starting point is 01:26:10 Yeah, it's almost like he didn't make the reindeer thing or something, then he's like... What do you mean? Like his dog was going to be a reindeer, but he didn't make it. Oh, right, right, right. He treats him like that. So then he's like your disappointment to me.

Starting point is 01:26:21 Yeah. I was joking about Bobby Kelly. Egett is a piece of shit. I mean, it's... Ever since Norm died, he's kind of died. Yeah, he kind of killed him, too. Yeah. Norm was like, I shouldn't smoke.

Starting point is 01:26:31 He's like, just smoke. What's the worst that could happen, you know? Oh, yeah. And then it's like he found out, I guess. Oh, damn, dude. It's sad. It's sad. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:26:39 All right, if you started doing... Holocaust and I are two. Who did? Holocaust and I are Egett. Is he really? Norm said it, and look what happened to him. So actually, can you cut that out? I don't want any trouble.

Starting point is 01:26:49 Okay, okay. Thanks. Yeah, shit. I don't want any trouble. That guy's... You don't want any trouble. If your next special isn't called... I don't want any trouble?

Starting point is 01:26:58 That's a good one. I don't want any trouble. That's a good name with two or two. Hey, Photoshoppers, get on that. Yeah, I don't want any troubles or anything. You can put me in all sorts of positions. No, dude. Photoshopper, your Photoshopper, I think,

Starting point is 01:27:10 needs to be sentenced. Your Photoshopper makes me fucking squeal monetized. Oh, they all go nuts, Shart and Tarelli and all these guys. How many Photoshoppers, yeah. I'm glad there's an outlet, man. You know, you provide a...

Starting point is 01:27:23 I mean... Those Photoshoppers, I put out the... I'm just like, hey, go for it. If it makes me laugh or cringe, I'm bound by the gods of comedy. To put it... It was that. We did that one.

Starting point is 01:27:36 That was Shart. That was Shart Salad. Oh, yeah. Shart Salad is great. Yeah, he's great. It's just me underneath. If you're listening, it's just me underneath. Nazi with a fucking German shepherd on top,

Starting point is 01:27:46 and I'm just hanging out in a fucking basement. Just go and watch my special R. What creativity? What fucking creativity? Ari Shafir Jew. Is there something about being Jewish that other people don't understand? Because I've always feel like...

Starting point is 01:28:01 They can't understand. I heard there's a theory that if you're more than 60 IQ points away from someone else, you actually can't communicate. Oh, really? Yeah, so you... People like you would never understand. Damn. You know, it goes.

Starting point is 01:28:12 Yeah. Yeah. Damn, dude. But, you know... Is it... Let me give you an example. Do people look at being Jewish? Like, is it...

Starting point is 01:28:20 Because there's also a thing where like... There's like Jewish hate, like Jewish like self-loathing or whatever. Yeah, self-hating Jews, that's that. Yeah, what is that? It's like... It's like... You're just like, I hate that on this thing.

Starting point is 01:28:31 But is a Jewish thing. Right. You know, we invented. Dude, when we were starting comedy, we had a self-hating gay and that was his act. No. He's like, I know I'm gay and it's disgusting. Oh, wait.

Starting point is 01:28:42 I think I know him. Was it... He's a seance or now, isn't he? Is he really? Yeah, I think... It was the most interesting, unique take of literally any comic in my entire career. He was so good, I think.

Starting point is 01:28:55 He hated himself. And he was presented that to the stage of a self-hating gay, didn't deny being gay, but thought he was evil for having these thoughts. He was so honest. Well, is it... So is that something about... Because I'm just trying to think if there's stuff about Judaism

Starting point is 01:29:12 that I don't understand. I'm sure there's a lot of things, right? Yeah. But is there something about it that like... Well, like racially? No, just like... That is there... Because I had two of his friends that always they just...

Starting point is 01:29:25 They seem like, you know, like... Overwhelmed sometimes, maybe. Like, is it... That's not the word. Oh, yeah. It's the inbreeding. I talked about this in a special... Oh, there's inbreeding.

Starting point is 01:29:39 It's all inbreeding. So we're failing, like bodily. We're like falling apart, you know? Oh, wow. Yeah, we have specific diseases that are made just for Jews. And they did it from inbreeding? Yeah, too much inbreeding. We've been fucking ourselves for too long.

Starting point is 01:29:52 We need outside genes or... But you use not one outside genes. Is that looked down upon? Yeah, it's just like you only fuck Jews. But then it's like, well, that's a limited gene base, you know? I mean, Iceland is even more limited and they have an app that shows if you're somebody's cousin. No.

Starting point is 01:30:07 Yeah, you have to go to the app. So it's like, it's a bigger scale of that. But if you can fuck anybody, well, now we got all sorts of genes. It's like the Ian Edwards bit. The hottest people are like halfs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Get two ugly parents from different races.

Starting point is 01:30:20 The kid is fucking gorgeous. So you get two parents with exactly the same thing. The kid is fucking, you know, disease-ridden. Oh, yeah. Like noses is fucking balding. So do you have to marry a Jewish person or you don't have to? I'm out, you know. But yeah, you're supposed to.

Starting point is 01:30:36 You're supposed to also not eat bacon, but damn, it's good. Yeah, bacon. You guys got that one right. The LT. Who wants just an LT? Who wants an LT? Yeah. What the fuck without lettuce and tomato on bread?

Starting point is 01:30:50 What? What? Live your life. What's an LT? Will people learn about being Jewish from your special? Yeah, they will. They'll learn a lot. Mostly it's just the air to laugh.

Starting point is 01:31:01 You're just there to laugh. It's kind of like, I'll compare it to like Brian Regan or Nate Burgatzi, where they're clean comics, but that's got nothing to do with it. You're just there laughing the whole time. And they're like, oh, did he not curse? I guess he didn't. It's like, you're just going to laugh. It's just a special.

Starting point is 01:31:15 You will learn a bunch, a bunch, but it's every one of these bits. I say like, you got to, these bits have to be good enough to follow Norman at the stand. Yeah. You know? God, he's good. He's so good. He's so good.

Starting point is 01:31:29 Ari Shafir Ju, you can check it out on YouTube. You can donate there after you watch it. Yeah, dude. I'm excited. Everyone's really liking it. Pass it around, fucking check. Play a nice giving for your family and Christmas. You know, bring people together.

Starting point is 01:31:42 It's something that you can talk about it. And like, I'm loving people. I've never had this in my career. People like, I played this for my dad, or I sent my dad, and we talked about it. Wow. It's generally like, shit, my dad walked through the room. I had to turn it off.

Starting point is 01:31:54 Now, is that enlarging your heart a little bit? Because you've always had a little bit of this kind of, a little bit of, not Grinch, but this. Grinch, I like that. Yeah, and that's the wrong word. Grinch was a Jew. Pull up Grinch. Was it Theodore Giesel was a Jew?

Starting point is 01:32:07 Yeah. Oh, really? Dr. Seuss. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was named after. Really? Mm-hmm. Yeah, tell me that's not a fucking, what a mind.

Starting point is 01:32:16 Actually, he's got a really tiny nose. I might be wrong on that. But the back hair? The back hair, yeah. I mean, I think you could have been half. My God. Bro, that's, oh, that's inbreeding. What's that for tactic?

Starting point is 01:32:29 If you have tricep hair, that's inbreeding. If you have sideburns on your triceps, bro. Don't have it here. Yeah, I do. What the fuck? Come on, God, give me a fucking break. If you're Elvis Trapsley, then you have, you are there. Arish, if you're a man, thank you so much for continuing to make comedy, man.

Starting point is 01:32:49 Thank you, Grinch. For being a part of, for just not even giving up on yourself when things were tough. I'm thrilled with some moments. Store, bro. It's a comedy store training. She beat us down too much. She can't beat us down anymore. I had an old lady made me cry so many times, and now I was just like, fuck,

Starting point is 01:33:04 hurdle, I guess. I forget how much you've been through. Yeah. She made me, that's what I saw in ayahuasca. I talked to Mittson for real. Really? Talked to her in the fire. And she was like, I prepared you for all of this.

Starting point is 01:33:16 I wasn't just a cunt for no reason. I was getting you ready. It was basic training. Yeah. It was orgasmic meditation, baby. Thank you so much, man. Arish, if you're a severe septic tank, you can check them out. You can check them out with Robert Kelly on the two cigars.

Starting point is 01:33:31 Two comics, two cigars. And you're tripping, road tripping. You be tripping, just subscribe now. It's not out yet. It'll probably be out in January, February. You be tripping, subscribe now. And go see him whenever he goes to tour. He's back, baby.

Starting point is 01:33:41 Dallas, Vancouver, Seattle's coming. Pittsburgh, Salt Lake, San Jose. Are they on your website? They're on my website. We'll put it up right here. Out of Arish, wait. Arishafir.com. Arishafir.com.

Starting point is 01:33:54 Put it up right there. Yeah. Thank you, bro. Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind

Starting point is 01:34:12 I found I can feel it in my bones I thought it's gonna take

This Past Weekend - E418 Ari Shaffir

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