This Past Weekend - E423 Merry Lloyd Christmas

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Theo is back with a new solo episode. He talks about the different types of Christmas, hacking the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronic band, potential porn bans, 2022 reflections and more. He also answers some of your voicemails, and speaks with a fan who stepped on a bomb in Afghanistan and survived.  ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: BlueChew: Visit https://bluechew.com/ to try Bluechew free with code THEO at checkout. BetterHelp: Visit https://betterhelp.com/theo to save 10% off your first month. MintMobile: For a limited time, buy any 3-month Mint Mobile plan and get 3 more months FREE at https://mintmobile.com/theo ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Ben https://www.instagram.com/benbeckermusic/  Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reinerSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. Merry, Merry Christmas. Lloyd Christmas too, damn. I've had a Merry Christmas and then I've had, I've had a damn Lloyd Christmas, you know, where you chip your tooth and, you know, you end up just damn looking for your own asshole all day.

And that's a toughie. That's a toughie, baby. When you find yourself, you hide on the trail of your own asshole. That's, you know, that's not good. That's not good. I've had that Merry Christmas and I've had that Lloyd Christmas.

You know, I've had, I've had it just follow la la la, you know, where you and your cousin just sitting on the damn porch steps, just eating, just, just feeding each other Manicotti. You know, I've had that shit where somebody come by, drive up by the house, give you a little sip out of their smoothie cup. And they're not even a pedophile.

There's just a, just a damn good Samaritan with a blender. You know, I've had, I've had those kind of days, those kind of holidays, you know, where, you know, where some hottie watch it, let you, you know, let you watch her breastfeed a little, not for a long time, just enough, you know, where you play that song, Hallelujah, just one play, you know,

cause it's almost biblical. You watch that, you watch a baby getting titted out and you're listening to Hallelujah, you know, where, Oh bless you, Merry gentlemen. You know, the, Oh Christ, the Savior is born. You listen to that bitch and you watch somebody breastfeed, you know, there's something very Christmassy about it. Now you follow that lady and the child back to their car,

back to their room or whatever, that's, you know, that's not in the Bible cause that's, you know, you write in your own chapters at that point, you're gonna probably end up, you know, you can end up in jail or doing, you know, on house arrest or something. But, what was I talking about? Merry Christmas to you.

Happy holidays. I've had that Merry Christmas and I've had that Lloyd Christmas. You know, I remember one time we got, you know, I used to go drink lean over there. My buddy was a manager at a Chuck E. Cheese. You know, he was a manager over there at a, at a Chuck E. Cheese, baby. And we'd go over there.

Sometimes I would go over there. Sometimes after his shift and we'd drink a little bit of lean over there, you know, just lean with just, we get leaned up. Damn, I was fucking veal, bro. I'd had so much lean. I was just damn, whew. You cut me into some medallions, baby, and sell me.

I was vealed out. I was lean. And he would turn the band, you know, he had control of the Chuck E. Cheese band that played on stage. And he'd turn that bitch up to damn 11, bro. And we'd watch him play just as, you know, we'd watch him bitches play.

I mean, he could, we could do a free bird in about a little over three minutes, dude. He'd want, I mean, them bitches would play fast as they could, bro. Fast, they just, we watch him free by, I mean, just, you know, we'd, we'd play to the damn chef that whatever the chef his name is, Benny or something. Let me see who's in the band.

Chuck E. Cheese, baby. Who's in the band, Chuck E. Cheese band members. This, oh, whoever, oh yeah, Pascali, the drummer. He was the chef. And we play one time, he, we put, you know, he cried, he had it playing so fast the fuck the chef arm came off that bitch, son. But that was a, that was a merry Christmas, man.

You know, when you so get, you know, you so, you amped up so much the damn you over there in the band, you know, the Chuck E. Cheese band is playing for just you and a friend. And you're sitting there just sharing problems and sharing joy, you know, in a strip mall over there. And it's a little, I will admit, it's mildly, there's a whole more eroticness to it, I think,

if you go there, but if you don't, it's just good men, being good men. But, uh, man, the world's so fast now, isn't it? The world is so damn, it's so dang fast. Everything's just, how fast can it go? The speeds, the gigabytes, the modem, the text, the Wi-Fi, the airdrop, you know, I remember back, back in the day, you had to run a note,

if you wanted to know something, you had to run a note. Now they got direct message, man, you could send the Pope a direct message. I've done it, I'll be honest, middle of the night, bro. Just hit the Pope up, where the ho's at, you know? And yeah, I shouldn't do it, but, you know, it's, things happen, what are we talking about? Sorry, Merry Christmas, guys, that's what I'm telling you.

But yeah, things go so fast. Things go so fast, you gotta make a moment, if you want a moment now, you gotta make a moment. You gotta make a moment, that's what I'm noticing. You know, I noticed some of my friendship, some of my relationship, they just, we'll make a plan, you know, I've had instances where I've made a plan to go do something,

I go do it, but I don't make it a moment, you know? You know, I might spend time with a young lady, and I don't make it, you know, I don't make it a moment. I'm there, and I'm kinda checked in, I'm partly, you know, I'm on my phone, maybe I'm, but it's like, I don't say, hey, I'm gonna make this a moment. I'm gonna put some dam, I'm gonna kick the clock right in the nuts right now, you know, instead I'll just go

with the flow of time, but I've been thinking about that, about if I want there to be moments in my life, I gotta make a moment, I gotta make them, and I find for myself, I want everything to be perfect before something happens, that's how I am. I want everything to be, look, as soon as everything gets all lined up, gets all perfect, then this will happen. And by doing that, I'm not really giving,

I'm not really giving the Lord a chance to tickle me, you know, I'm not really giving, stay with me. I'm not, by saying, okay, as soon as this, then this, and then this, you know, as soon as I get my slippers on, my feet will be warm, I'm gonna go to daddy's, I'm gonna make a pot-pot, you know what I'm saying, but only, I ain't having no pot-pot until I do the other, until I do my, you know, when I have my own plans,

stay with me, what I'm saying is, I'm always waiting for everything to be perfect before I live my life. I'm always waiting for everything to be perfect before I live my life. As soon as these things line up, I'm gonna live my life. Man, I'm so guilty of that. You know, as soon as it, as soon as, you know, this new medicine I'm using helps me, and as soon as the shirt

I ordered come in, and as soon as I learned Spanish, that you, my shit, as soon as I learned Spanish really well, like I'm a, you know, a blue belt or whatever in it, but I always want to wait till everything's perfect. You know, Dustin Poirier noticed that about me, and he said to me, point blank, he said, hey man, you can't wait for everything to be perfect to start living your life. You can't wait for everything to be perfect to start living your life.

And that hit me. I mean, he packs a powerful punch, and that muh, he, damn, he hit me with a damn word pump, you know, with a word hook, because I've, I bet that's what I've done. My whole life has been like that. Inside of me, it has been, as soon as it's all lined up, I'm gonna show you myself. As soon as I've got it all looking the way I want,

I'm gonna show up for you and for me. And man, those were just powerful words that hit me this year. And I'm not trying to preach at you or anything. I just, you know, I was thinking the other day about what has been kind of a highlight of my year, something I heard this year. What are some things that, that stuck with me? And that was, that was a big one.

He sent me a message and it said, and sometimes you have to shoot a friend straight. There's a lot of time where you can sit there and you can be that shoulder. But sometimes you got to, you know, you got to be that fist, baby. And I'm not talking, you know, butt act, I'm not talking homosexual, you know, homosexualizing. I'm talking straight, being straight. Or being gay, but I'm talking about being a friend.

You know, so anyway, man, that's, that was something that had, that was something that had that, that resonated heavy with me this year. That I can't wait. I can't wait, man. It's not all gonna, I'm never gonna get to that where everything's okay, where everything looks a certain way.

And in the meantime, I'm burning the best time I do have available. I'm burning that candle up. I'm burning this candle down. And I'm saying as soon as it gets bright enough or warm enough in here, I'm gonna show up, but the candle's getting smaller. It's a trap. And that was something that, uh, that resonated with me this year.

That was something that resonated with me this year. I want to thank you guys yet for being a part of the show and being a part of my life. And, um, yeah, it's just, man, it'd been a journey. And this year went fast, you know? And if I want moments, I got to make them. I got to put my cleats on when I show up and say, Hey, right now, this is going to mean something.

This is going to mean something because time doesn't have the feeling. It doesn't have as much. It doesn't, time doesn't, time doesn't know how much we care. And even worse and sad, it doesn't care. It doesn't care, man. And that's, it's kind of sad,

but it's just, that's our responsibility to make something mean something. And the time to start doing that, the time was over. The time is already the time it's been time, you know? So anyway, that's enough. I'm stepping down, just stepped down off my high horse. And I'm back into the world, man.

What's going on? I'm doing well, being grateful. You know, I remember a buddy of mine smoked so much crack one time and that he, his appendix burst. You know, cause I guess, I guess your appendix doesn't like crack. And, and he, people hated him so much,

he burned so many bridges, he couldn't get a ride of the hospital. So we had to run, he had to run to the hospital. And damn, if that isn't, you know, I love the Olympics and shit, but dang, if that's not an Olympic sport, a spleen-splitted crackhead doing, you know, doing five kilometers to the hospital.

Cause I tuned into that, baby. Okay. We're going to get into some calls in a little bit. What's going on with me? You know, I spent Thanksgiving over at Dustin Poirier's house. I guess we're just talking about Dustin Poirier. And look, I'll tell you this, people don't know this about that fella.

That he's a chef. That fella is a chef. I mean, dude, that is, that chef boy are damaged, bro. Dude, he was, I showed up, he was, you know, he's out in the yard. I mean, he was, I mean, he battered, he battered two fish filets, bro.

And I mean, he battered them bitches, dog. I saw, he went at least two and a half rounds with him. You know, they had a tarpon and his coach wouldn't throw in the towel. But damn, he, you know, and one red snapper, they went the distance, but he won. But dammit, look, man,

I mean, look, man, that man, I went over there and, and it was exciting, you know, but I mean, he had all the fun. I mean, this dude, he, every two hours, he was up all night doing food. He'd show, he would go in the, I mean, he just had, he had ovens and this and that, fire, wood chipper. Damn, he had a, somebody was cooking the shit,

just visually, just some dude staring as hard as he could. He had some dude on PCP, just staring straight into a rib eye, just grilling that bitch out from the center cause just, man, he was, but I mean, that dude, every two hours he'd be up with a ham. I came downstairs, one time he's over there, breast, he's over there feeding the hay, burping a ham in a chair.

I said, dang, cut, what's going on? Oh, cut, that man liked to cook, right? He's snapping peas, he doing all, I mean, it was crazy. He's singing, he's over there snapping peas and singing slave songs and I said, what? This dude, he really made, he was, this guy's got a couple, he's got some generations in him. He had recipes, I mean, all kind of stuff,

just everything, man, and it was, I had a great time. I haven't done a solo episode since the gang's giving episode, so I wanted to touch base with you and let you know what I did. And that's what I did, man, I had a great time. That was a lot of fun over there in Young'sville, down there in Young'sville, Louisiana. And we got to go out there with the Good Fight Foundation and they gave out a bunch of hams, bro, we was just hamming people.

Every car roll up, you hit them with that ham, baby, dang. So we met at this place, it's called Preijons, it's a restaurant. And a lot of people that works with the Good Fight Foundation were out there. And the Good Fight Foundation, it's a, Dustin Poirier's charity function. And you always wonder, what does a charity do? People wonder it all the time, you know? And look, man, I went down there and it was cool. It inspired me because, you know, a lot of people that work with Good Fight showed up.

The Rage and Katie, the Louisiana football team showed up. Who else? Alan Jo Bann was down there, Cody, a couple other UFC guys, Cody Verrett, couple fighters, they came out and cars would roll up and you'd hit them with that ham, baby. You'd ham them bitches up, dog. And they had everybody rolled up. So one lady come up, she's smoking, so many, you couldn't even see in there, you open the door and just throw a damn ham just into the damn distance. I mean, she was just to look like damn Voldemort in there.

Like Voldemort had just belched in that bitch. She was just all smoked. She's like, I heard a ham, set it on the seat. You throw that bitch in there, cuz. One dude, his brakes wouldn't work. He had his window down and we tried to just hit that ham through the window, bro. Just ham and that be just, you know, hit him with that ham, baby. By ham, by ham.

Everybody was up in that bed, dog people. Some people roll through, have silverware right there. You give them that ham, they trick cut that, they divide that bitch up right there. It was wild, man, but it was awesome. It was a good experience. And yeah, man, that was fun. And then I've just been, I was in LA working on stand up, had some great shows. Thank you to everybody that came out to see some of those shows.

Some were a little rough, but they've been getting really better. Man, I'm just really enjoying being back on stage. And yeah, I've been feeling better, you know? I've been feeling better. In fact, you know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna go out on a limb. I'm saying I've been feeling good. I've been feeling good, man.

And it's funny, because I spend so much of my life feeling bad, like, you know, depressed, all that. I don't even know how to do it. Or I forgot that it's okay. I start feeling good, and I gotta call, hey, is it okay if I feel good? You know? Hey, if you look at me, do I look, you know, I look crazy or I just look like I'm feeling, you know?

You know? I feel good. I feel good, man. And this is wow. It is wow, man, that I feel good, baby. Man, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. That's right. You know, I've had moments in my life where I'm struggling.

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Learn more and save 10% of your time. Learn more and save 10% off with your first month at BetterHelp.com slash T-H-E-O. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com slash Theo. You know, life, it gets tough. And when it does, there are solutions. BetterHelp. Oh, and one amazing thing that happened was,

I got to see Roseanne Bar. Now, for those of you who don't know, Roseanne is an iconic female comedian. And she's, I mean, she's been through it all. And we hope that she will come on the show sometime. But I'm on stage at the comedy store, and I did, and honestly, I did well. And I'll tell you why I did well.

Because I do well. I'm going to go ahead and say that. Because I don't say that enough. That when I work hard, I do well. And I was doing well. Knock, knock, who's there? Well, I was doing well, dude. If you came in the room and you saw two things, it was naked and I was one of them. And I was doing the other one.

The other one was well, because I was doing well. I was doing well, baby. And I started, I'm up there. I'm doing well. And I hear this laugh. I can't do it justice, but it's just she, it's only, they only made it in her. You know, sometimes God makes some things

and they put it into one thing. Like a cool ranch Dorito. It ain't nobody's got that. They, nobody's got that. God dang, it's good. And I, you know, that's, and she's got that. She's just, she only her. Only her has a rose and lamp.

And I heard it. I heard it in the back of the room. And man, my child, but we, that was the one, the time my family got along was that half hour sitting right there. As soon as that it show ended, it was on again. It was back into our Vietnam, baby. But when that show was on, that was our Fox hole.

So to get to make her laugh, I mean, she laughed the whole time. And it was just, man, it was, it was, it was real, something real for me, something real for me. Dude, I wanted to just break open a can of my own dick and eat it, you know, because it meant something to me. Merry Christmas to you guys. I hope you're feeling loved. I hope you are feeling capable.

I hope you're feeling that we can't wait for everything to be perfect to live our lives. We cannot. Um, what else? I don't even know if you guys can hear me on this microphone. I hope this microphone is working. These headphones are not working. So I can't hear myself, but that's okay.

We got a lot of calls that came in. We had some news that came in. Um, Phoenix cop accused of making porn while on duty. A Phoenix officer is being investigated for allegedly making and distributing porn while he was on duty and working from home. The officer has allegedly been disseminating adult video starring himself through a public Twitter page

using the handle Rico Blaze. Okay, I like that Spanish, Spanish. That's it. Okay. And it seems like a brother. This looks like a black gentleman. Oh yeah, he is. Okay.

Yeah, there's a black gentleman right here. He'd been running between Phoenix and Los Angeles, um, producing X-rated videos. I don't know if it says he did it on, he was on home duty. I don't see where it says he did it on duty, but I will say this. We are in a time where of course people need two jobs. We just had a police officer on the trauma that they go through. The responsibility.

Now I'm not saying every police officer is built for the job. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that there aren't bad police officers, but I'm saying this, that we learned firsthand that that job, they are the drain catch for so much stress and turmoil in the world. That if they want to, look, if that man wants to, you know, come in his gun or whatever, I, you know, he should be able to do it.

If that, you know, if this, if he wants to bust a, you know, I think they should let him bust two nuts a week or something if they're cops. If they're copping or whatever, especially if nobody's in the, if they don't have a partner. I mean, after, with, with what these guys go through, we should pay somebody, pay a criminal to hand them off or something. I mean, these guys, they go through a lot, these men and women. So I'm not shocked. And people need two jobs nowadays.

You telling me that this guy for the four or five hours when nothing's going on, he can't protect and serve. What's the serve part? He's serving Wayne or this fella. Now, if he's secretly recording and doing that sort of thing and selling it, I don't think that that's good. I'm just saying that if he's able to do it, you know, do a traffic stop and then go get, go get a cat out of a tree, you know, I'm saying, boy, then let him,

if he's able to do all of that and then get back over and stop a bank robbery, then good. People need two jobs nowadays. You have teachers have only fans and we're firing them. That's the sad part. That is the sad part. Now, you know, good and well to say this dude makes his name in pornography, which I don't, I don't like pornography, but say he makes his name in pornography. And he shows up on the scene and there's two dudes fighting.

One of them, they're going to stop fight because they're worried this dude going, he going to cock them down. If I know some dude really can really do, really do hammer time sex. He can do serious, you know, construction worker dick throwing. You know what I'm talking about? Nail gun, HVAC, if he's got all of that just built into his cock, that thing runs on diesel. Then I, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm going to do, I'm going to take, I'm going to take orders and get home safe.

That's what I'm going to do. So I think we probably need people like this. We need people like this. What else do we have in the news? It's interesting. Oh, Utah Senator introduces bill to outlaw all porn nationwide. Utah Republican Senator, Mike Lee, introduced bill to outlaw all porn nationwide. You know, the United States does not currently have a national definition of obscenity.

Lee is essentially arguing that he's a member, Lee is a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You know, I have to admit, I think that this would behoove people, this would help. I think that this, I think this business has ruined. It's, now look, I'm not saying I haven't spent time with pornographers. I haven't watched almost. I'd say I've probably watched a quarter percent of the porn that's out there in my time. But it's, you know, it's, you see some of it.

It's just, you know, the people, their holes are open and they're just catching a cold. You see one woman, you know, her butt is so open. She's got to be, she's going to catch a cold, I feel like sometimes you see some of that. You see some of that, it's just some of its graphic and I don't think it's helpful. I don't think that it's helpful. I don't think it's a long-term positive play for society. I really, really don't. So I'm curious.

I want to, I want to peek a little bit more into this. Let me know what you guys think about that. Hit the hotline [phone]. We're going to do a great call at the end of this. We're going to call somebody. I'm excited about it. So we'll see. We'll see what he says about that pornography.

What else? Let's get into a few calls. Let's get into a few calls that happened. Hey, there you go, man. I don't know what to do right now. But my uncle's got a bobcat. Oh, hell yeah. And that's a real uncle.

Homeward? It's like a pet. And man, that thing's been coming around for about two months now. And I'm going to tell you right now, he gets wild because he's from the wild. Oh, yeah. Look, I'll tell you this, man. The Jungle Book, it ain't a book. It's a damn library, son.

The Jungle Book is an anthology. It's a billion chapters long, baby. You got to remember that. An inchworm got the same shit in it that a leopard got in it. It's all connected, daddy gang. But I'm telling you, dude, I come home the other day and he was over there. He snatched my hat off my head like a grown man. I told my uncle, I said, you need to do something.

So we figured it out. They get some jerked off every month and a half, 175 hours to get that little bobcat jerked off. God, that's beautiful, man. God, that's beautiful. You know, that Utah senator's not going to like that. I'll say that. And I don't condone usually humans' pleasure in animal. There's videos out there.

They got a man. They called him, you know, and a man and a dog dating in a park. I don't condone it when I don't condone that kind of stuff. But look, if this is a bobcat, if something's going to kill you, if it doesn't ejaculate, then you got two choices, die or service that animal, baby. Nobody thinks you're a pervert. If something's going to kill you and you make it eject and then it doesn't kill you, then it doesn't kill you.

That ain't, you're not some kind of animal gay or whatever. That's safety, bub. That's damn safety, dude. Other than that, he's good to go. I just want to let you know. And thank you for that, man. Thank you for letting us know. I'll tell you this.

I'll tell you this. If they passed a thing around my building, a chart or something you had to guess or check, yes or no, and these don't even work. I don't know why I'm wearing it. If they passed that thing around my building, they said, hey, there's a, there is a bobcat in the building. And if it doesn't ejaculate, then every six weeks, somebody going to lose a fucking thumb, homie.

Somebody going to lose an elbow. Somebody going to lose a damn Cossacks. You know what I'm saying? Richard going to lose an eyeball, baby. Libby going to lose a Libya. You know what I'm saying, bruh? Then I say, hey, sign me up, cut. I'll go first.

I'll reach in at a box, you know, I put on a burn, one of those burn-proof mittens and reach in at a box, you know, and glove that little pecker out. Because that's who I am, bruh. I'm working for God, baby. All right. Let's take one more call or two that came in. Here, we got a rapper name suggestion. We had an episode with young gravy.

If you didn't get to hear it and we're excited about some great episodes in the new year. If you know someone who would be a great, uh, regular person job episode, you have a candidate for hit the hotline, let us know 956649503 or go to the website at theovon.com. There's ways you can submit a video of them, you know, let us know. We want to get, uh, unique people on who are good at communicating and, and just have a interest in personality. I know that's a big question. Everybody knows somebody, but be realistic.

Um, here's a rapper name suggestion came in at the, uh, man, just listening to you and, uh, young gravy this morning on the way to work, thought a good rapper name. I don't know. I usually, whenever I call you, I usually call you daddy's on or, uh, maybe dirty pee. I go dirty pee. Make you think you got a little something swimming in your mouth. Oh, hell yeah, dirty piss or biscuit piss they used to call me, you know, when I was young, I ate so many carbs, we didn't have a lot of meat at the house, so we'd eat a lot of carbs,

though. And if mom was going out or heading off, she would sometimes throw a can of biscuits in there and start them bitches. And our job was to end them, you know, and, uh, you know, you know, you, you know, they call me a biscuit piss because my urine would smell like, um, those, uh, Pillsbury. My urine would smell like those Pillsbury. And I used to, uh, I used to eat so many of them, you know, they called me a biscuit piss like, um, those, uh, Pillsbury, my urine would smell like those Pillsbury.

God, that was a fucking good time, man. What else, uh, so biscuit piss would be a good one. Let me take one right here. Yeah, what's up, dude? I just, fuck, man, I forgot what I was going to say, but I don't know, I was just watching videos on you and your, you talking about the relationship with your dad and you, and it just kind of got me thinking. And I feel like I need just talk. Well, thanks for the call, brother.

You can do that, man. That's, that's good. You know, thank you. Onward. But basically my dad left when I was nine, I'm 16 now. And I just feel like, I feel like I missed out on like having a, I guess, a father figure. It was just like a male role model. And so I don't know, I feel like I just lack confidence in myself because that I feel like

I've never had anybody to, anybody to show me the way and just teach me how to, I don't know, man. I don't know. I feel your brother. Thank you for the call, man. I appreciate you sharing. Yeah, I can relate to that. I feel like I missed out. But the truth of that feeling, I think, is it's they missed out.

They missed out. You know, and we take it on ourselves because that's the only way we, it's obviously if our parent left or wasn't there for us, there must have been something wrong. We did. There's something wrong with us. That's human. That's the nature of a child. Something happens wrong in the world.

Well, it must have been me. I didn't do enough. I wasn't enough. If I was only perfect, my father would have stayed. If I was only this, my, if only, you know, and it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's disappointing that your father wasn't able to, you know, sometimes it's not even that he couldn't or he didn't, it's just something inside. He never got it.

He wasn't able to, you know, and I'm so, I'm sorry. You know, I'm real sorry. But I don't want you thinking that you didn't deserve those things. You know, that you didn't deserve to be stuck around for. That you didn't deserve to be loved. That you didn't deserve your dad to come and just put his hand on the back of your neck and pull him in close by you and kiss you on the head or tell you he loved you. You deserved that.

Okay. You deserved that. You know, and I'm sorry, that kind of shit gets me animated, man, because it's how you can't, it's hard to replace that. And I know exactly what you're, I'm sorry. I don't know exactly. I can relate. Sometimes I feel like to what you're saying.

Yeah, man, I didn't, I never knew, I never looked enough time in my, my dad's eyes. I didn't know how appropriate I noticed in my life. I've had trouble knowing how long to look into a man's eyes when I'm talking to him. Because I didn't get the training. Dads don't realize that that's, that's where your son gets the training of how long do I look into a man's eyes when I'm talking about something serious when I'm, you know, I never knew I've always had this thing. I'll look away a lot of times because I don't know what the fucking proper amount of time is

to connect with someone without them thinking that I'm scared, without them thinking that I'm overconfident. That's where you learn all that shit. Yeah. Nobody taught you how to stand up for yourself. Nobody, all that shit, man. Man, I'm sorry, bro. I'm real sorry and just know that you're not alone in that.

You know, and there is a group out there. Children, there's a, there's a, there's a group called adult children of alcoholics, and I'm not saying your father's an alcoholic, but though they have a, the yellow book and the way that, that all the steps in there can be helpful to guys like us. Dude, I was, when I would get friends, I would be so like, I would attach myself so much to my friends. There was times where I was like, man, does these, does my friends think I'm being gay? Just cause I don't know how to relate to another man that much without,

you know, I don't know what you share, what you do. I don't know what's going on, you know, I would remember I'd give my friends extra hugs. I would hug my friends, my male friends. I'd hug my female friends too. I'd hug that booty. I'd hug them pity, but for the man, some of them I'd give him extra, you know, cause I was every time I would get a chance with a buddy. I just want a little piece of that relationship with my father.

I wanted a little piece of that con, you know, and I would get you just an extra fist bump and extra, just, you know, I would need it. I wanted an act. I just wanted a little bit and I would siphon it off of other small relationships. But just take care of yourself, man. It's a long road. You'll figure this stuff out that you're aware of it is important. Some of that stuff is going to be a battle and that's one of the things that's happening in our world.

You know, it's happening a lot and it's just some part of society that's going on out. It could be just American. I don't know enough about the world to know if it's just an American symptom. But you're not alone, bro, and it's a battle. But you can't eat, but you got this man, you know, you'll figure it out. You got this and more people probably can associate to that sort of thing than you, than you maybe realize. I don't know, but I love you, baby.

Praise God, baby gang. I'm upstairs. This holiday season, get the best deal in wireless and that's through Mint Mobile. That's right. When you switch to Mint Mobile and buy any three month plan, you get another three months for free. As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile lets you order and activate from home with eSIM while saving tons on phone plans,

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By going to mintmobile.com slash teo. That's mintmobile.com slash theo. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com. All right, uh, you know, we like to talk to miracles on this show and, um, if you know a miracle, if you are a miracle, if you have someone in your family or life that has been a miracle, has an amazing story. Hit the hotline, nine, eight, five, six, six, four, nine, five, zero, three. We want to, uh, talk to a miracle right now. You guys may remember this call that came in. What's going on? The Rat King.

Hey, big dog. Uh, my name is Julian Torres, dude. Back in 2010, dude, I stepped on a, uh, a bomb, lost both my legs in Afghanistan. And, uh, since then, dude, I was like kind of Kilimanjaro, dude. I, um, I don't know, man. Dude, I like to think that I'm getting after it, you know, um, but yeah, man, like I seen some crazy shit, uh, when I got blown up and stuff like that, man. Um, I don't know, man. I love to tell you the story, man.

If you're willing to hear, I'm a huge fan. What's going on? What's up, big dog, baby? What's going on? Gang, gang, baby. What's up, dude? Where are you? Dude, I'm in Southern California, baby boy.

Amen, bro. Far from your, uh, dude, do you know where Oceanside's at? Oh yeah, he's by cocaine over there. Oh really, dude? Yeah. Well, you know what they say about Oceanside, right? Uh-uh. It's a sunny place for shady people.

Oh, I believe that, bro. I believe that. So you join the Marines, your station where? Uh, dude, so I joined the Marines. And before we go any further, I just want to say what's up to all my boys in Second Battalion Six Marines. Gang, baby. Hey, baby boy.

And, um, because those dudes are the ones that really, uh, out of Lejeune, North Carolina, they're the ones that, that put Humpty Dumpty back together, you know? If it wasn't for those dudes, man, if it wasn't for those dudes, bro, like, I'm just a ghost, you know what I mean? Damn, cuz. Yeah, bro, dude. And it was crazy, dude. And like where I think a lot of people don't, and I, you know, like, first, I mean,

I'm a huge fan, dude. And I'm a huge fan because like, you're so like, some things you say, and I'm like, oh, come on, baby boy, you know? But for the most part, dude, I think you're the realest dude on the internet. The most authentic, the most honest. And I strive to be like that, dawg. I strive to be like, you know, it's not always pleasant, but you're doing good, man. Thanks, bro.

Thank you, man. I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm trying my best. You know, it's tough to be alive these days. It's tough for everybody to figure out. And I appreciate you spending time with us, man, and coming to us like, you know, with just a real scenario that's had, that happens to so few people in the world, and then you get to live through it.

I mean, there's got to be like, that has to leave you with so many feelings. And we'll get to that in a second. I just want to get down to kind of exactly kind of what happened. If you can take us through kind of the day. So you're stationed with your platoon, it's called? Yeah, dude. So like, so I'll just tell you, I'll just tell you, I'll tell you the story, then you could ask questions, you know?

Okay. And dude, like, there's no rules, man. If you want to add, it's so important that people ask about these stories and these incidences, because it's a part of like our history, you know what I mean? And I feel like if we don't talk about it, then the dudes that didn't make it back home, their sacrifice, bro, is just like, it's like whatever, you know what I mean? Like, it's disrespectful. Yeah, it almost is, man.

It's like, because if we're not talking about it, we're not even honoring that it was a part of our time. 100%, dude. And it's tough, dude. And it's not even, it's not even comfortable for me to even share it, but like, it's bigger than me. Right. You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, it's almost as if God like plucked me out and was like,

you're going to experience this. And I want, because like, I got, you know, I got the ability to share. I got the ability to talk about it. You know, I got the ability. Right. You can handle this. You can handle this. Wow.

And, um, Hey, that's powerful, dog. It is, dude. It is. And it blows me away. Like, like no pun intended, you know, but it just like, you know, when you think about it, dude, it's just like, it has to be that I was selected because you figure it like, I have a 10 inch shoe.

And it's probably like, what, four inches wide? And I stepped on something that stick as a ruler, you know, and I'm walking on the earth. Dude, what are the odds of that foot landed on that part and I lose both legs and nothing else, dude. You know what I mean? I got my genitals. I got my guts. I got my mind.

I, you know, like, you know what I mean? So it's like, how does that happen, dude? And it, you know, sometimes you gain more than, you gain more than you lose, dude. You know, and you know what I mean? You know what I mean? I mean, I can only imagine, you know? I mean, it's funny, you know, it's like, we've only spoken with one other person that's kind of a miracle and it's kind of different. I mean, it felt like I'd hit by a train.

He got trained up. But yeah, right. But yeah, he got blasted by a train and he said he wanted to, he ready to run it back, baby. You know what I'm saying? Like he said that there's some, I think there's a greater currency in existence that we can't really put our hands on. I think as Americans, we've gotten far away from it with our society.

It's, you know, in some ways we've taken a detour in some ways. There's some currency that we don't really know. Sometimes we can feel it and some people get closer to it. And it feels like some of that maybe is what you're talking about. But yeah, so you want to go on for July 15, so July 15, 2010. We were in Marjah, Afghanistan. It's in the Hellman province. And that I'll just talk about that particular day because I mean,

we could be on a whole podcast and talk about the old deployment. But I was only there for like two and a half weeks and a full combat operations. And we were just walking through the way it was designed, man. It was, if you could imagine, like a cornfield, but it's not corn. It's like opium, dude, or not. Yeah, it's opium and weed. And, you know, they're growing the dark arts over there, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah.

And we just, I cross over these two little fields and my buddy Andy Powell says, from what I can remember, he says, oh, there's an indicator, a little piece of cloth or whatever. I still don't even know what it was, really. But he said there was an indicator. So he holds his own patrol. And we started, we took a, and obviously I was the closest one to the junction. So I was like, me being a sergeant of Marines, I was just like, hey, man, I'm not going to ask

someone else to go do the heavy lifting, you know what I mean? Like, if you want to be a leader, you got to, you got to shovel shit too, you know? And what's the junction when you say a junction, what does that mean? So that, so there was, there was two properties joining together and they were separated. Thanks, man. They were separated by little canals. There was two canals, you know what I mean? So I had to cross over both of those to go back and look at, you know, looking forward.

At the time, we were finding like, you know, sniper positions. We were finding machine gun positions. The IED threat, the bomb that improbates explosive device threat was like in the trees. Well, we got intel that they would be putting them in the trees. So I was looking all over the place, but I wasn't necessarily looking for an IED on the ground, you know? And so there was 11 guys. I was number 11 in our little stick, our little formation, our line.

And then I was number 12 when I crossed over it again. And then on the 13th time is when it, I remember looking down. And I remember like the light from the kinetic energy of the blast just like enveloping me, man. And then I felt all the little pebbles on my face. And I remember like making the little sound of just stepping on that bomb. The little sound that I made was like a, you know what I mean? And then what made it, what confirmed it that I was, I was the one that got hurt was it shot me straight up in the air and I saw my shadow from an aerial view on the ground.

No way. And I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me, dog. I'm in, I'm the, I tag you're it. Damn. Come on, man. So you could see, so the sun you were blocking, you could see your shadow and you're like, oh my God, this happened to me. Yeah.

And so you were able to have that thought. You were able to have that conscious thought, oh my God, this happened to me. Wow. 100%. Yeah, man. And then I landed on my face. And I remember like, I remember taking out the dust out of my mouth, dude. And, and I remember just immediately thinking about my friends being like, dude, I don't want,

I want to be strong for them. I want to be, I want to be like tough for them. And I don't want to show like, I don't want to wince or cry, you know, because they don't need an audio track to this movie that they're going to be with for the rest of their lives, you know what I mean? And, you know, That's pretty selfless of you. Dude, and thank you for saying that, man.

But the dudes, the thing that you experience in combat that nobody really talks about is the unconditional love you have for your brothers, dude, or your sisters, you know what I mean? I didn't have no female Marines by me, man, but it was all dudes, you know what I mean? So, and it's like, it's the tenderness of love that like a mother would give to her child. You know what I mean? And I was a machine gunner dude. So as a machine gunner, you get attached to like a regular like infantry men squad, you know?

And because you're like a duty expert, this is your specialty weapon. Right. You know what I mean? And so do you, were you, did you stay conscious the whole time? The whole time, Doug, the whole time. And you would appreciate this part, man. You're like, when you talk about like your dad and like your mom and like you being like, I could have appreciated my dad more if I didn't judge him so hard.

You know what I mean? Like I felt that, bro. And like, it's so true, dude, like, I think a lot of times these things happen to us. And right away, we want to put judgment on it. You know, instead of just seeing it for what it is and being like, okay, man, this is my shit sandwich I got to eat. Wow. Hey, man, you know, you'll pass the dressing or pass the late chips.

Hey, man, like, let's just make the best of it. Damn, cuz. You know what I mean? Well, that's a powerful attitude because I don't know if a lot of people are going to have that. Hmm. Dude, I got to give credit to my wife, man. You know what I mean? Like you're.

So you were married when you were in, when you went in. Wow. Yeah, man. I've been married, I've been married to my high school sweetheart, dog. Dang, dog pervert. My senior, my senior prom, bro. Dang, cuz that's nice. And is your wife, are you Latino or no?

Yeah, man. Oh, that's cool, man. Yeah, I think are you guys Mexican or what kind of Latino is it? Mexican, baby. Yeah, I would like to be Mexican. You said that before, dog. Yeah, I think maybe next time, you know, I don't know how it you know, exactly what happens, but I could do it.

I think I would dig it, man. Oh, yeah, dude. It'd be fucking fun. It is fun. It is fun. It is fun. And it's tasty. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if I, everywhere I show up, there's chips. I'm fucking cool as hell, dog, you know. Yeah. And when you see those guys fucking all of that shit, those dudes dancing, those old dudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, well, take me through a little bit more of this. So I want to know what is some of those moments like what goes on there when

you're, so you're awake and this is happening, man. Are you still able to be a leader? Because if you're in a leader position, I'm sure it's tough because you're supposed to be a leader. And now you are in a predicament that most people would say this is, you know, how could you be a leader right now? So when it happened, dude, you know what I thought? You know, my first thought after I was like, yo, I'm hurt.

My boy started working on me. My next like real thought about myself was my warring days were over. Like I would no longer be a warrior in the sense of like, you know what I mean? It would be, you know, it would be now dude, the war is right here between my ears. You know what I mean? Like that's the war dude. That's the battlefield. You know what I mean?

And to be honest with you, it's the greatest call, CM, the greatest battlefield ever created, man. You know what I mean? Because you're stuck with yourself. You know what I mean? Dude, when you say stuff like that, dude, I get so, you know, the one time you were saying, you go, you're just sick of making all these decisions. Sometimes you just need a break from yourself. You know what I mean?

You're like, someone else, you know, like, you know, but we can't. And we're with ourselves every day, dude. You know, it really matters what we tell ourselves, dog. It really matters just like, you know, if we're feeling down, you know, if we're feeling down and out, dog, that's okay. You know what I mean? Like it's okay, bro. Like, you know, we can, we can find it.

Like this is only temporary. You know what I mean? Like this is only, and like to be honest with you, man, like, you bring this out of me. You know what I mean? Like, because you're so authentic. You're so like, oh, thanks man. Well, yeah, you know what I mean? Like, you're really, well, it's great.

You know, what you did is brave. I mean, we just had a guy call in a few minutes ago, who's like, his dad left when he was a kid and he just, he said, I never learned how to be a man, you know? And it's just, there's so many guys out there who, you know, we're all, everybody's going through shit. And so, you know, you sharing your story, it's like, you know, we're all out here trying to survive, man.

Bro, dude, do you want to know how I found you the first episode, Doug? Yeah. Was when you, when you, when he brought in Santa Claus, bro. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, so I'm from Modesto, so like, by like Stockton. Uh-huh.

Oh yeah, a lot of missing people up there, Doug. Everybody who up there is fucking missing, Doug, damn. You Santa's like, hey, man, like, Bobby's address isn't right. You know, nobody's here. Bobby ain't here. Where's Bobby? Bro, and that was the realest Santa, bro. That dude, I think, man, he was.

Bring him back. We need to bring him back. Yeah, bro, it's so funny. I went, I got a date, so I went this week. I got some, trying to get some nice stuff from my place to look at, like, trying to make it look like I'm fucking, you know, far to the holidays and shit. So, bro, I met this, oh, dude, I'm at this Christmas store. I'm buying like different shit.

And there's all women in there, bro, so sad. And, uh, and I saw Santa's in there. And one of the dudes doing the pictures with Santa that he recognized me, he's like, dude, I saw you on Joe Rogan. Will you come get a picture with Santa, dog? And so I fucking in there getting me a Santa putting on gang signs. Oh, man. I have this question for you.

I have this question for you. How, when you have times like Christmas, you have times like, did you have moments where it was hard for you to say, I just have to keep living my life right now? I can't give in to the toughness of this. I, you know, I can't, you know, we started off this episode talking about how we can't wait till everything's perfect for us to live our lives, you know? That's so true, Doug.

And I just wonder what some of you were like, what, what is some of the experience like that you've taken away a little bit? I know that's a huge question and we can get into more of this later. I want to walk through a lot of it again. I think that, um, do like, you know, like if I had to, if I had to say like, like, there was a lot of times where I felt guilty for going to Christmas or having Thanksgiving because my buddies who are dead, they don't get to have that opportunity anymore. You know, I felt guilty falling in love with my wife or being intimate with my wife,

you know, or holding my kids kissing on them and loving on them and being like, my boys never get to do this. Some of the dudes that got killed were fathers, bro, and they're kids. That's it. You know what I mean? And it's just like, you know, I think about that stuff all the time, you know, and a lot of times for me, dude, it's just like, I had to figure out sometimes, dude, like, sometimes it's easier to know how to live when you sometimes you're so hurt and you're like,

dude, like, I'm so broken. I can't do this. I can't do that. But you know what, I'm going to be there for my kids. No, I'm not going to let my hang ups, right? Air quotes, hang ups or my disability, air quotes, disability look like something to where my kids can't experience Disneyland. You know what I mean?

Like, you know, like, even though the loud fireworks freaked me out, the mass group of people freaked me out, you know, I can choke it down because looking at them, they can ground me because they're smiling. You know, if I'm living for my friends that got killed, sometimes it's easier. I'm not ready yet, right? Julian's not ready yet. But if I can think about, well, what would it be like for Cody to be a Disneylander? Or what would it be like for, you know, anti-Madione to be there?

Or what would it be like for Jason Kahlo to be there? You know what I mean? Like, these guys are real dudes, man. And like, sometimes it's easier to live for somebody else, man, for the time being. Give yourself some space, man. You know what I mean? Because the idea is not to end it, right? It's not to give yourself a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

You know, you can't, you know what I mean? Like, you know, there's, you know, so, I mean, especially the holidays, man, it's so hard on people, Doug. You know, you got people, you know, committing suicide and there's nothing wrong with that, dude. It's just that, like, I wish that, I wish that they were asked for help. Yeah. Or I wish that they would have found an anchor to live for. You know what I mean? Be like, hey, man, I'm too weak right now.

I can't go through this anymore. I'm going to live for somebody else. Wow. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to let them carry me, even though if they're not even here on this physical plane anymore, they're in the spirit world, you know? Yeah.

I'm going to live for them. I'm going to live for them, dude. You know? What would they, you know, what would they want? You know? Well, they might want a slice of chocolate cake. Okay. Let me eat it, because they're inside me, man.

I carry them in my heart. Right. They, yeah, what they wouldn't give today to pick up their kid, what they wouldn't give today to look over at their wife and smile, what they wouldn't give today to laugh that maybe their step's getting a little bit slower or their bones creak when they reach for something, just little things, like the littlest things. Man. Yeah, man.

Or you fall down, dude. Or you fall down like, laugh at yourself, Doug. Laugh at yourself, Doug. Like, stop taking yourself so seriously, man. You know what I mean? Like, it's a struggle, man. It is. It is, man.

Julian, yeah, I would look. I would love, because we're in Southern California and we're not too far due. We'd love to, you know, let's figure it out. We'll do something in the new year. Let's come in. And I would just love to go through this and think about some more stuff, man. And I think that that's just a powerful note. It's like, you know, there's moments when you can't live for yourself to be unselfish enough

and perspective adjustment enough. Say, well, who can I live for, even if it's for the next five minutes to get me over that hump? Because sometimes it's just that hump. It's just that fucking hump, man. Dude, so like, one of the biggest things that I've learned is that, like, the idea of forever, that, like, no matter how much water I poured on my legs, bro, they weren't going to grow back. You know what I mean? And sometimes, even to this day, bro, like 12 years after, it's so heavy to think about forever.

But if I just say, you know what, man, you're in FPT today. Just focus on today. You know what I mean? Like, that's all you're doing, man. You know, like, don't worry about, you may not even live 40 years. You may not even live 50 years. You're like, but you're living right now, man. And who do you want to live for today and dedicate that day for somebody else, man?

One step at a time, man. Or not one step at a time. That's a horrible, but you know what I'm saying, bro? Damn, gee. But you know what I mean? Yeah, bro. Let's go. You know?

Dang, boy, you got them lifters on, baby. Damn, dawg. You know what I mean? Yeah, bro. Dang, bro. You that flamingo, baby. You got them bitches going, cuz. You know, man.

You know, we got them here. Well, look, man, Merry Christmas to you, dude. We'll connect and, yeah, I would say sometime in January, maybe late January. I don't want to put an exact date on it, but I'd love to do it in the spring and just get you in and learn a little bit more about the experience and stuff. So we're going to have, we're going to start doing a few more episodes in the new year, next year overall. So it'll give us a little bit more space, man.

But thanks for your service, man. Thanks for your perspective, dude. I think it's something that we all needed today. So thank you. Bro, for people like you, dawg, for people, you know, dude, like, honestly, man, like, I would do it again, man, 100%. Dude, when, when that dude said that he get hit by that train, bro, you know, I related to that because this is true.

Even if I knew the outcome and I, you know, everything played around the same deal, I'd be like, yeah, let's go, send it because everything, everything's better, dude, now. You know what I mean? Like everything's more fruitful. Everything's more vibrant. Everything, you know what I mean? Because, you know, when you, when you tickle that death angel, you know what I mean? It's right there, ready to collect.

Damn. What else, what else do you have to be afraid of, dawg? You know what I mean? Thank you, man. Thank you for your time, brother. Merry Christmas to you, man. Thank you guys for everything, man. Thanks for the opportunity.

Oh yeah, you bet, dude. This has been really, this has been, man, this couldn't have been more perfect for us and just for the audience and I think just for, man, I, I don't know, you know, you, I don't know how you could do it. It's hard to say to somebody, man, like, you're doing this really well. Oh, dawg. You know, man, you're doing this really well. It's effective, you know?

So, you know, thank you. Oh, dawg. Yeah. You know, dude, like, just real quick, man. I mean, it's all those people do that, like, have helped me. They have given me their best and, like, helped put me back together, you know? I feel like I absorbed that. Yeah.

And so it's like, I'm here. Let's have fun, dude. Yeah. Let's do something, dude. You know, let's go, you know, let's live dawg. Let's live. Let's live, baby. How do you say, let's live in Spanish, dawg?

How do you say it? Vive? I think so, man. I think it's, uh, uh. Damn, you don't know Spanish, dawg? No way. Bro, and this is the problem, bro. See, this is the problem, dude.

All white people are teaching us fucking Spanish, and then Mexican kids, they're the second generation. They don't even learn it. dawg, I'm like fifth generation. Oh, you got it. We were here. Bro. Yeah, we've been here a long time, dawg. Gang, baby.

Well, be in venidos, dude. I'm glad that you're here. I'm glad that I'm here. I'm glad we get to walk this earth at the same time, man. We'll circle up with you, bro. Merry Christmas, Julian Torres. Thank you so much for your service. Love you, bro.

You guys be good, man. Gang, gang. Iwamente, baby. Gang, gang. Man, um, thank you. Thank you to everybody that served. Thank you to everybody that pays attention. Thank you to everybody in the world that,

I don't know, you know, these are the moments that I live for. These are the moments that I live for. They really are. Just those moments when you feel, when you just, when you win somebody else, somebody you don't even know, y'all are standing on the same fucking molecule of respect and compassion and understanding and hope. You know, we are lucky.

We are lucky to be able to feel that in this world. Merry Christmas to everybody. You know, Merry Christmas and recognize there. There are people out there that are keeping us in a place where we can enjoy and celebrate and that we have good reason to. Love you guys. Thank you, Julian Torres. Yeah, it'd be great to have you come in, brother.

We will figure that out. Thank you to everybody that called. Thank you to everybody that called. And we can't wait. We can't wait. We can't wait to start living. You know, even if it's hard, you guys be good to yourselves, baby.

And stay alive and stay living, baby. I'm upstairs. Gang, son. We're off next week. We're taking a break. And we will be back in the new year. We're excited. We're hopeful.

And we're going to keep going because that's what we do. You guys be good to yourselves, baby. You deserve it. Yeah.