This Past Weekend - E443 That Lord Portal

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Theo returns with a solo episode of This Past Weekend to talk about the time he visited an Asian church, testing out carnival rides as a kid, how he’d do a gender reveal, what makes Moms so special, and more. He also reflects on the biggest show of his career, and responds to some of your voicemails and video calls. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit  https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ  Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, visit https://forthepeople.com/thispastweekend or dial Pound LAW (#529). Their fee is free unless they win.  BetterHelp: Visit https://betterhelp.com/theo today to get 10% off your first month. Find more balance, with BetterHelp. Manscaped: Visit https://manscaped.com and get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO. Trim your chesticles with the besticles.  ShadyRays: Visit https://shadyrays.com and use code THEO for 50% off 2 or more pairs of polarized sunglasses.  ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek&ab_channel=BishopGunn Music: "The Devil, God and Me" by Evan Bartels: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZa3Egu9xTQ  ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner

We've got some new merch items to tell you about the be good to yourself crew neck in teal. It's frosty. And we got the new hoodie in bitter sweet. Plus we've got the root beer t-shirts from the root beer cartoon. All that and more at theovonstore.com. Oh baby. Oh dang. Look at the baby. It's so tiny. It's so tiny. God, I remember that song. Remember that from church? Oh, look at the baby. It's so tiny. It's so tiny. You know, one time I went over to this. I don't know if it was Japanese or Chinese or it was some knees. That's all I'm gonna say. It was some knees. It was Asian. It was

you know what I'm saying? You could damn you could throw a pot of rice in this church and hit an Asian. They probably had unlimited Asians in there. You know, it looked like a it looked like a it looked like a kind of a Asian Asian Asian Asian Asian thing spot place Asian. It was Asian in there and and I remember the first time I'd ever heard a batch of Asians like that sing a church hymn. You know, I think they were I don't know if they were first generation or not. I'm not sure what generation they were. They were some of them had the the beat, you know, the little some Asian people though, if they get real old, they get that catfish hair coming out of them. And you could get, you know, you put a damn worm in front of one of them. They'll damn,

you know, they'll jump right out their damn kimono. They'll jump right out their damn church pajamas. You know what I'm saying? They don't you put a spinner bait or something. You throw a chicken liver in front of a, you know, you got them catfish Asians, baby, they'll lurch. They'll lurch. They got that, you know, they got that last bit of karate left in them and they'll not, you know, because it, you know, a lot of humans as they get older, they you cross with an animal at a certain point. A lot of humans cross with an animal. And for a lot of Asian, for a lot of Asian, that's catfish. You see that guy, you know, you know, but yeah, I'd never been to a church before where I had seen Asians,

multiple Asian do in singing church hymns. And it was pretty cool, man. It just shows you that that everybody can sing, you know, and that there's a, that everybody, no matter what ethnicity or culture that they all can sing songs of faith and have, you know, and be excited and stuff like that and be at church. I remember again, I can't remember the song now, but it was like, do you see the baby? Do you see the baby? And they had a big screen in there. And if they'd have a picture of a, you know, the three wise men going to get Jesus Christ out of the sandcastle. So anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is happy mother's day. I want to say that out there to every type of mother, every, every mother. There's a lot of you, there's a lot of you listening right now.

And you're a mother, you got something, you know, there's no other, that's how, I mean, that's God's peephole, baby. That's how God looks out into the world through a mother. That, I mean, you are the, you are the liaison between, you know, you're the on ramp between the Lord and earth. You got that on ramp. You got that thorough fire. You know, you got that, you know, you got that yum tunnel on you. And that's how God, but God, that's how God serves them. That's how he serves the world. You know, you're a woman's body, a woman's vying. Yeah. However they say it out there in some of these other continents, the vying. Yeah. That's how the, you know,

that's how the, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's how the Lord sir, you know, that's how he just puts people on earth. That's God's last hand. That's his last. That's his, that's how he reaches out into the world through a woman, through a mother. That's really fascinating. If I told you there was a portal, right? Say I come up to you. You're sitting somewhere, you having a sandwich or something? You having a little cut of meat, cut of cheese. You know, you're having a cut of meat, cut of cheese, two breads. You know what it is, a sandwich. Say you're having that. You're sitting on a little river bank or something. I come up to you. I say, buddy, um, I'm going to tell you where there's a portal

where you can go into another realm. You'd be, you'd be there in a heartbeat. Well, that's what I've, that's what a mother, their mother, that's the only way, the only way to get from the brain of the, of God, of the, of the powers that be of mother nature and father time. The only portal is through a dang woman, a mother, or this bitch as some people call her. I don't, you know, I don't say that. But anyway, I just want to, yeah, I want to wish everybody a happy mother's day. You know, um, you know, sometimes I think that, uh, people are just ideas. They're like, like, what if God had an idea, right? And I say,

God in the, in the, in the, you can, whatever God you want, it can be everybody. I have my, you, you can have your own God. Um, but I think of people sometimes as like an idea of God. Like, say you have an idea, right? An idea kind of comes in, it comes into like, it comes out of kind of nowhere, right? Like, if you have an idea in your head, it comes out of nowhere. And some, some ideas there, they do, they, they stick around, they, they turn into something. You know, some ideas, they make a difference. They, some ideas really get turned into something and can adjust the world, can, um, can change things, can adjust a fan, can adjust something small or as big as the whole world. You know, ideas, they can, you don't know how big an idea

can be or how far an idea can go, right? If we have an idea. So sometimes I think that humans, they're just ideas of God really, you know, it's like we show up in the existence. We have a purpose sometimes, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we evaporate and disappear early, you know? Sometimes we stay around for a long time. Sometimes we change our environment. Uh, and sometimes we, we, we, we can change the world, you know? So I don't know if this is making sense, I don't know if this is making sense, but I feel like life, it's like being a lot. It's like, we're almost like an idea of God. Like if we have an idea, it comes into fruition. We do things with it. Some of them are really helpful. Some of them kind of come and go.

But if God, when God has an idea, that's us. That's a person. We're his idea. We're like ideas of God. We come into life. We meander. Some, sometimes we have an effect on things. Sometimes we don't. And, uh, and there we go. So not sure if that makes sense, but, um, that's something that's just been going on in my head. Uh, I'm grateful to be here with you today. Um, I'm grateful to be thinking about mothers. I'm grateful to be thinking about mothers. I got to see my own mother last weekend in Phoenix, uh, Arizona. She came out there and, and we had a nice time. You know, it's been a long journey with my own mother, uh, getting to know her and, uh, since we didn't

have a connection when I was young, get into have a connection as adults. Um, you know, I talk a lot about that. I'm not going to go into that right now, but it was awesome to get to see her. Um, we got to do the largest show we'd ever done at the Arizona, uh, financial center. Dang, bro. Uh, dang, uh, dude, warm up the Asians, baby. Cause I'll sing about that. Oh, the baby is here. Oh, look at him. Um, that was magical. I want to thank everybody for coming out to that. It's a different type of energy, man. You're out there on the stage and you feel little. God,

I feel so little out there in a club. I feel normal size, regular size, six foot 182 one arm, a little bit shorter than the other neither arm that long is neither long medium arms. It's nothing you'd notice, but if you know, you know, um, what was I talking about? Oh, in that big in that, in that vast of a space, I feel like, I think I almost feel like a bird could come down and just pick me up off the stage. You know, it's almost like you feel like the mouse, like, you know, somebody sees a mouse that shine a light on it. And that's what it's like in there because it's big. It's dark. There's

a light on you and I'm like, man, a big bird's going to come and damn get me. Hmm. God, I don't want that. Hmm. I don't want some big dirty bird picking me up, but, uh, but that was incredible. Just thank you guys for just being a part of my life for wanting to come and see me wanting to, uh, wanting to let me see you, um, you know, or it's just, I'm just glad we all get to spend our time together. And it's just been really, it's been cool. And I know a lot of people, they want to get to interact more, um, you know, and we do what we can. Um, but I just want to thank everybody for coming out. We did one show that was in a circle and that's damn confused. I mean, it's like,

damn, bro. The whole time I'm feel like I'm performing and asking people for directions, you know, and nobody knows where, I mean, it's just, it was in the round at the celebrity theater. And this place looked like, uh, uh, it looked like a white castle, but like the head, like the, the white castle, like where, you know, where white lived or whatever, you know, it looked like the last white castle, but like the biggest, greatest white castle, it looked like a CEO or the CEO of white castle would live this place. You know, just a big parking lot and there's just a damn castle in it, but it's just a low castle. It's just like a short castle. It's a low castle, just damn short castling. So if you got it down, you know, this

castle, it's like a, it, you know, short castle. You're like, damn, what is this? But thank you. I had never done a thing in the circle like that. So it's, damn, I'm damn dizzy. You know, halfway through the jokes, I got to hold on the stool or something. It reminded me of the Gravitron, you know, when you go to the fair as a child, you know, where I lived, you'd go to the fair and, uh, and, uh, and you get on the Gravitron and we go over there a day early for 50 cents. They let you get on a ride and you were experimental. You didn't realize it. You were a damn lab rat. They were testing to make sure the shit worked and make sure there was no lice on the equipment

or whatever. Cause that got damn, boy. You get on one wrong ride. You itch for a month cause I mean, I swear to God, I have one, but he had two nipples. He itched one of them bitches right off, bro. That's how bad he got a body lice. He's down to one damn nipple cause cause the lice, they need a place to meet up at on the body. You know, they're just like, they're just like a group of white people at a, um, music festival. They every now and then they got to meet up somewhere and check on everybody. Where's Rhonda? How's Ricky? Oh, damn. Where's Donna? Oh, well Tammy and them left. They left. They're gone. So, uh, lice are like that. They want a place to meet up and God forbid it because your wiener,

uh, or something like that or inner wiener, that cooter, that in that I dub, baby, that, that in wiener. Yeah, you know what? Oh, yeah, y'all got that in wiener, don't you? Hey, lady, let me say that in wiener. Oh, mama got that in wiener. Welcome to the world to the baby. We're happy that you're here. I can't remember that Asian church. Yeah, but thank God they met up on his nipple dog and ate that bitch because you get them body lice. But, um, anyway, what I'm trying to tell you guys is, oh, yeah, it was like the damn Gravitron, like the shape of the place and the Gravitron, you'd get over there a day early to the, uh, to the parish fair, the county fair and you'd pay 50 cents and let you get on the ride and the Gravitron, you laid back

against the wall and the whole thing would spin. The damn thing was spinning and it used all the power in the community. Damn, your mom's blender would damn shut down seven blocks away. So this bitch could spin and it was, you could hear your, you know, the dad, your dad works at the factory, that bitch shut down. Everybody's having power outages and right there in the middle of the fairgrounds, the Gravitron is spinning. And then you can't even, it, you get pushed against the side. It's so much inside. You can't close your mouth or eyes. You're just like, yeah, I'm having and then the guy running it, he'd be in the middle and he was always this rock and roll dude. And you'd be like, do you want to rock? And one person you could bear, the centrifugal force

was so strong, you could barely get your arm up a little bit like, yeah, I do. And then he, damn, that guy would show you his damn wiener every time. That guy was a damn, he was just a visual pedophile. That guy, he'd show you that sprout, that body branch homie. You know what I'm talking about? That nut snake baby, that wiener, who damn just, and you couldn't, you couldn't close your eyes or anything. Everybody's mouth and eyes were just wide open because you were spinning on the Gravitron. And he just, he, you know, he didn't do anything, but he'd show you that bitch. So I don't know what we're talking about. Happy Mother's Day. That's what we're trying to say here. And we're grateful to a lot of beautiful mothers out there. We, we love you moms. And,

and thank you for giving us this life, whatever our life is. Now the tough part is when you're not enjoying your life, you know, to then still find that gratitude to your mother. But you know, there's no, there's, I don't know when it happened in time that we started to think that life, while it is extremely unique, right? It's extremely unique. It's so rare. You know, Neil deGrasse was on here and he was talking about the rarity that you exist. The odds that you exist. I mean, you may not, you may, you may hate math, but you are math. You are a equate. You are a carry the one to carry the one million. There, the odds that we, that you,

that I, that any one of us exists, they're astronomical or astronomical. But somewhere along the lines, we, you know, we started to think, I guess that life was supposed to be a comfort, a comfortable thing. And I don't know when that happened. I think that happened for me too. You know, and maybe some of that is just an American societal idea since we live in a, and have lived historically in one of the more comfortable countries, you know, where we've had a lot of blessings and gifts, you know, we've had a lot of cash and prizes. We've had a lot of, you know, we have water, we have roofs, we have food, you know, we have our needs met. That we started to just think that life was, is supposed to be a comfortable journey.

But if you look out through time, man, it has not, it's never really been that. That people have battled plagues, lightning. What else? AIDS. Flash flooding. And dangerous animals, baby, all of that. Anyway, I get in my head sometimes that it's this, it's supposed to be this comfortable thing as opposed to that it's supposed to be this journey.

It's supposed to be this experience that doesn't really have any guarantees, you know. And I wish I could look at life more that way, because I think I wouldn't, I might have, I might, I wouldn't be, I'd probably find less disappointment in things if I looked at life more as like, okay, here I am on this journey as opposed to why isn't my life going a certain way. It'd be more like life was never promised to go a certain way. It's just life. You know, it's just like an idea. It comes along. It could, anything can happen to it. So, I'm a little all over the place. Uh, but...

Um, yeah, good to be here. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for uh, blessing me with your time today and we are out here and we are alive. And this is life. This is what it is. You know, if I can accept life on what it is, where it's at, then I'm in a much better space usually. You know, if I have too, if I show up with too many expectations, then I'm on a man. I'm always going to be, uh, disappointed. You know, I'm always going to be disappointed. But if I can get myself if I can get myself to be like, okay, let's see what's going to happen today. Let's see how it goes. Oh, it's going good. Oh, it's going bad. It's not really going good or bad. It's just going.

But when I start thinking too much, it's going like this. It's going like that. I need it to go like, it's like, um, then I'm almost too attached to it. You know, whereas if I can sit back and just watch life kind of happen and not overreact to it, just recognize it's always good. That's the thing. Life hadn't been tricking anybody. Life's got two hands, bro. And it'll give you some birdsie with one and and it'll punch it down. It'll punch you in the fucking neck with the other. That's life. Life will hand you a couple little, uh, butterscotches, bro, with one hand. And then while you're sucking on the image, hit you with the other hand. That's life. Life has always done that.

It's that butterscotch fricking bad boy, son. It's, uh, James J. Bratt outer scotch. That thing will, it'll punch you while you fricking enjoying some sugar. But if I, at a certain point, I got to know that. I got to know, hey, this is what life does. But if I'm so attached to it, then I'm going to do, then I'm going to be riding like that too. If I put my saddle on every moment, but if I can just kind of sit in the middle and know it's going to be high, it's going to be low. I'm only going to ride a bra. I'm a rider. Then I don't get caught on the waves and the crevasses. I'm just chum in the boat, man. Yeah, it's going to be tough here. It's going to be on tough here. Let's enjoy the sailing. Huh? Let's

do some smooth sailing. Um, better help. I want to let you know that this episode is brought to you by better help. That's right. Better help. If you need something, if you are missing ways of connecting your life, if you're not feeling like your old self, you could be evolving. Sometimes you need help doing that. Sometimes you need a reflective surface. You need somebody to help you see who you are and get a real look at yourself. That's right. Better help. They can be there for you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give them a try. Better help. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any

time for no additional charge. Find more balance with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash t-h-e-o today to get 10% off your first month. That's better h-e-l-p.com slash theo. Summer's coming. It's coming fast. Dang, it might have already came on. Yeah. Are you ready to unveil your beach bod? I'm not, but Manscaped is here to ensure your body is ready for the wild. I just used their trimmer and just trimmed up my chest and belly. So made enough, got enough hair to make a dang mitten for somebody for a cold hand or a hook or make a damn hair condom for someone. It's time to get ready for a hot guy summer by going to manscape.com for 20% off and free shipping with the code Theo. That's right. Manscaped is dedicated to helping you increase your confidence

and level up your full body grooming game with the performance package 4.0. That's right. No one likes nose hairs. They can get them. They got the weed whacker 2.0. They got it all. Get 20% off and free shipping with code Theo at manscaped.com. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code Theo at manscaped.com. Trim your hair. Do it. Well, do it right. Manscaped. Not trying to preach at you. Just trying to share some things. You know, I've been doing a little more meditation recently and it's been allowing me to have a little bit of space from the attachment to every moment and that it's been nice. It's been nice. Even just a little bit of space has been nice. What's going on with you guys? I want to thank everybody that's came out over there in Phoenix.

I'll be seeing everybody in New York this week. New York City. We're trying to put some other shows on the books. We got Edmonton is out there. New dates. That's up now or new date. It's going to be outdoors. So no idea what that's going to be like. No idea. But we'll see when we get there. That's what I'm thinking. What's been happening? What's been happening with you? I want to get some voicemails from you guys. Other dates. We're looking at Australia and the UK. We're looking to try to figure those out right now. So, man, I can't even believe it to get to go back to some of those beautiful places. Just thank you so much. Thank you for

um wanting me to come. You know, physically, you know, and uh, or, you know, to show up, you know, I'm just, I'm not talking about EJ, EJ, EJacking. I'm talking about just showing up and doing work. Um, what's going on, man? Yeah. Oh, boy. Happy Mother's Day. You know, we had a lot of different, we had a lot of different mothers in my neighborhood. My mom was damn high strong. My God. She was God. Damn. I mean, good God. My mom, I think she fucking slept on the top of a violin. That bitch was high strong. She was God. Damn. My mother had that kind of, if my mother, she was, she was tight. She was wound tight. If she turned her neck, one of her arms would go up to beat the shit out of somebody. See, that's just how she was built.

Just like one of those old toys you get, like as a kid back in the day, they'd have a toy. And if you turn, like if you moved its leg, then then the arm would, it was double. It was ambidextrous. So you moved, you know, you moved its neck, one of its arms would go up and you moved its leg and then the other arm. It would just, you couldn't move one part without another part. That's how my mom was. She just, she was wound up. If she sneezed, she beat the fuck out of something. She just, you know, she, it was just, my mother was wound up, boy. They had all kinds of moms in our neighborhood. We had this one lady, she would, she drank, boy. She drank and she ate a Christmas candies year round. She ate Christmas candies year round. This bitch was

eating Christmas candies year round, boy, year round. And first, if that ain't the most sinful thing seeing somebody suck on a piece of Christmas candy, dude, in this damn June, what's going on? God, the devil's out here selling sugar. And she was naughty, bro. She had a trans am, I remember. She had like a sports car and she would, she drank a lot. She would drink a lot. I remember she'd lay out on the car. She would lay on the hood of that car, dude. She'd drive, she'd go drive it a couple times and then she'd lay on the hood of it while it was still warm. It's right. There's three apartments down from us. She'd lay on that bitch and she would just kind of just out like, she'd say, I want, she'd say, I want

you. She'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she drank a little, take a sip of her drink. It was usually a corona. And she'd say, I want you to hear me feel. And she would just hear. She would howl a little. God, boy. And her damn legs would look all wet. And I mean, I don't even know what was going on. God, that lady was, she was fucking wild, boy. And somebody, she said that she had barrettes on her on the hair outside of her cooter.

I want you to hear me feel. She would say that shit laying on that warm engine. What else? We had another way out of something. This, my buddy had a thick mom. She was down thick, boy. God damn, dude. She looked like she made out of damn bread, you know. Like when you saw her, you just wanted to damn just put some jelly on that batch. You just want to damn put some jelly on that batch and enjoy yourself. God damn, boy. I put that bitch in the oven, son. And her, their whole house smelled like biscuits. And they had a mixed child over there, too.

And the mama, she always wore kind of hospital clothes, even though she wasn't in the hospital. I guess she was just ready because eventually they took her in and she passed away. She had a blood pressure or something. I don't know. Just them solving her blood or something. Damn biscuit blood or something that happened to her. She was not damn boy. She was beautiful. And then they had another buddy of mine had a, his mom was, she was God, she was beautiful. Oh, she was beautiful, man. I'd go over there and I'd hide in their clothes, hamper. I'd hide in there and I would smell her braziers. God, I would just, I wanted her to be my mother.

I would put my, I would get those things and put them on my, just right. I would just just huffing cups, baby. I just wanted to just inhale the scent of that woman until it landed in my DNA, man. I wanted her to be my mother that much. I remember that. I remember that. I can barely see these sunglasses are damn, they wanted all the stops, sun, everything. But let's get a couple of calls that came in here. The hotline is always 985-664-9503. I do want to update you that me and David Spades are still trying to get a movie made,

which would be insane boy. I don't know if that'll happen. We're trying a lot of these studios and stuff. They're not giving it a, they don't, there's no, we haven't had any luck on the traditional route. You know, I think there's a big, they don't want to see something like that. They don't want to see that kind. They don't want two guys. They don't always don't want, I don't think two white guys having a good time to be real honest with you. And some of that might be a little jaded, but I can't understand why they wouldn't jump at the opportunity for, for the film. I mean, I, well, I mean,

I don't have a lot of experience. I don't have any experience. Let's be honest with you, boy. I don't have any experience. Hey, you got experience? I don't, I don't have any. And the baby came from the sky. Oh God. Um, but this is David down Spades, bro. Call us Spades of Spades, baby. That's him. That's Tommy Boy's brother, dog. So that's Joe. Damn dirt, bro. His parents left him at the Grand Canyon. And now he's a movie star. So that shit just makes me want to fucking juggle my own dick, buddy. So I don't know. We're trying to find an alternative method to get it made. I might hit up a rich friend or something and see if they'll put some finance and I don't know,

but I just wanted to update you on that. What else? I watched the UFC this weekend. I enjoyed it. I was, I was bummed that Bryce Mitchell didn't fight, but you know, you got to take care of yourself. You got to take care of yourself. That's important. And anyway, as always, the hotline [phone]. What's up to you? Gage from Pittsburgh. What's up Gage and Pittsburgh as well. I like it. I've been there. Got pink eye over there. You know what I'm saying? Got a little bit of downtime in my uptime. You feel me? Onward brother. I'm having my third kid in August. I got two girls already. I'm hoping for a boy. I'm doing a gender reveal party. I want to know how would Theo Vaughn do it? Gang gang, baby. Praise brother. I appreciate you asking me and

congratulations on that third, buddy. Congratulations on that. Bringing something into the world. An idea. A human idea. What can happen? I think this is how I would do it. I'd get you mommy and daddy out there. Get you mommy and daddy, right? Your parents or her parents. I'd get you a four-wheeler, okay? And I'd run you a, I'd run you a thing of rope from the back of the four-wheeler to each one of the parents, to their pants, to the front of their pants. And they're wearing pants only, each parent, pants only. No wonders. No wonders. And then you tie it, whichever it is, male or female. If it's male, the new baby, you tie it, you tie the knot tight onto the front of your, your dad's pants. And if it's female, you tie it tight onto the front of your mom's pants.

And whichever one it isn't, you leave it loose, but you still make it look like it's up by their waist, right? You tuck it into their waist or whatever. So nobody would know the difference. And then you say, okay, one, two, three, male or female or whatever they do. You know, let me see, you know, move that, whatever gender, whatever they say, right? And let's see the winner, whatever, you know, or whatever they say. I don't know how you guys do it, right? And that's a crotch. Okay, who is it? The baby is the beautiful, the world. So here's what I'm saying, man, is that then you just floor that four wheeler. And whoever it is, if it's male or female, it rips the pants off of the adult. Now that's some fucking shit right there, boy. That's it. So then you're really

revealing somebody's gender. You're revealing two genders. You're saying, Hey, the baby's gonna be this. And we're also making sure that your parents are appropriately crotch by God. Because imagine boy, you ripped them pants of loans off mom. And she got that hog on her boy. She got that little worker boy. She got that little semen snout on her boy. Everybody be damn shocked. That's a double gender reveal. Then she's gonna have a new granddaughter. And you're gonna have a new father. So that's how I would do it, man. But what do I know? Nothing. Nothing. All right, let's take another call right here. Hey Theo, my name's Riley. I just got a simple question. What do you think of my car? It's a 2012 Suzuki SX4 hatchback.

That's all I wanted to know. Gang gang gang, baby. Thank you Riley for calling in on that auto. And I don't, fiscally, I don't know much about it. You know, you need to look up in Kelley Blue Book or get you on the website or something, Edmunds or something. I don't know. You know, we used to have that Kelley Blue Book and we look on there and see, oh, wow, my car is a piece of shit. I remember realizing wasn't even in there. The value of this damn wasn't even in there. God. God. But, um, I love that it's a Kia Sorento, huh? Is that what you said? What do you think of my car? It's a 2012 Suzuki SX4 hatchback. Okay. That's all I wanted to know. Suzuki gang gang. Yeah, we used to have a brother by us that grew up by us and they called him Suzuki leg.

And, uh, I don't know why I don't know what happened or what did something happen to his leg. I think he, um, well, I know what happened. His brother had burned down their garage. His brother had locked him in a garage or something and burned it down and part of his leg got grilled out a little. And for some reason they, uh, they call him Suzuki leg over there. And, uh, I don't know why I'll have to go back and ask somebody, but I remember that. But yeah, look, that's a beautiful car. He said 2012, 2012 was a great year, man. That was when, uh, the Russians, uh, ended that they had a beef and issue with the UK. Remember, they wouldn't let the beef in from the UK. And that's when the Russians, they, they ended that, uh, is that an embargo? What is an embargo?

Let me see. An embargo, an official band or trade on trade. Yep. The Russians, that's 2012, they ended that embargo, that beef embargo, that they had that meat embargo going on. They didn't want that beef coming in from, uh, Britain. They didn't want that British baby. And so they ended it. But at that point, it was unlimited. Russian beef was allowed in, in, uh, no unlimited British beef was allowed in Russia and people were damn fucking throwing loins at each other. Just you'd see a man just beating his wife with a damn London broil over there in Russia. You know, just God, just, you know, just whipping it. Just you'd see somebody whipping their child with a damn backstrap. You know, it was damn beautiful. Um, but that's,

yeah, cause I used to work in meat. I used to do door to door meat work. Uh, I used to do door to door meat work. We would do, you know, where you knock on people's door and sell them the meat right there. And people want to peep, peep, peep. Look, people, there's something about meat. People want it. People want it. People want meat. Baby, they want it. And if you show up at somebody's house and you're like, guess what? And they're like, what? And you're like, I got some fucking meat right here. Some of the decent amount of people want it. Now some vegans, they'll call you a queer or whatever. You know, but that's them. Um, anyway, sorry, I'm rambling, man. Let's get back into it. Uh, but yeah, I used to do door

to door meat. It was truck to table right there. And we would sell it to people right there. Uh, you know, it was, you know, it was freezer to table or I don't know what it was, but it was, we'd sell that shit right out the truck and different neighborhoods you hit, you know, you'd knock and tell them you had different stuff ribs, bro. If you was in some of the urban neighborhood, you'd be like, Hey, guess what? We ribbon around over here. You know, I'm driving that rib Rover. You feel me? We ribbed up. Who want these ribs? So praise God. Happy Mother's Day. You know, the sun is God. It's, it's violent. Look at what the sun can do. Burn a hole in a leaf. If you have a magnifying glass, kill an aunt. That's why our friends

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All right, let's take another call here. Here we go. Hey, man. I just wanted to call and say, man, it's been rough. I've had a pretty rough couple of years and I've been watching you for a long time and you're just hilarious, man. And I just find you so funny. And I was watching you some clips on YouTube. One of them was you just saying that you're proud of me. And that was the first time I've heard that in a long time. So I just wanted to say thank you. And I just wanted to know kind of what you do for support. How do you get support? How do you make yourself feel better? I just want to know. Thank you. Thanks for the message, brother. Yeah, you know, you might be like me. You might be somebody that didn't hear that

when they needed to, when they were young, you know, and that's not self-pity. I'm not like, oh, boohoo. But the long-term effects of those things are very real. They're very real, man. They're very real. And I'm sorry you're having to deal with these things later in life, but you're not the only person. You know, it's a lot of us that are dealing with this. We kind of late bloomers, you know. And it makes me angry that I have to deal with, I have to do, I have to meander around these things now, which are things that should have been done for me as a child. It makes me angry, right? But I have to take some action. And that's what we do. We go to, we do therapy. We do different processes. You can do 12 step. You can do ayahuasca. There's

different things you can do to help you fill in that space and learn and relearn the things you should have learned as a child or should have known and felt as a child. Me for support. You know, this podcast really in some ways has been, has been the one thing that's made me show up for my life every week. You know, if there's one thing I've done in my life that I've committed to and I've done it, it's this, honestly. So this has been a great thing. My brother has been really great for me. My brother has been really, man. You know, I don't know where I would be without my brother, man. Yeah. I mean, he had a really tough time when we were kids. He had a really tough time.

And, uh, you know, he, uh, and you know, um, and I was the younger brother, you know, so I came in this need and, you know, you know, and probably what little he was getting that he needed as a child, I came in and cut that in half, you know, uh, but he is just a really interesting and resilient and, um, um, and powerful force in my life. I go to him a lot. We've had a, well, our relationship has built as I've gotten older and as he's gotten, we've grown up and it has been a blessing, man. You know, my brother is the first person in my life that I've ever felt like love me just unconditionally, unconditionally. He chose to, he just, you know, he chose, uh, that for me.

I had an ex-girlfriend that loved me unconditionally too, actually. Um, I wasn't ready to be, uh, but good, you know, a decent husband or a decent boyfriend. But, um, but my brother, I go to my brother. Who else do I go to? He really is the one that, um, you know, he kind of, he's my, in some ways, he turned into my father too. You know, he had to fill in a lot of roles that we didn't have. Um, and he did it for himself first and then he's been able to extend and help me, uh, when I've needed it. So, so that has been a, just really, man, that's been a blessing. Thank you for asking. All right. We got another video call that came in here. Some of these are video.

And for all of these, you can go to theovon.com and you can, um, there's three ways to communicate with the podcast. You can text, um, those were, we just kind of, uh, respond to sometimes. Um, you can send audio and video and, uh, we listen and watch those. Um, and some of those we'll use for episodes. Uh, thank you. Hi Theo. My name's Ashley and that is my beautiful, uh, Kanye Corso named Abraham. Okay. And hello Ashley. Thank you for, uh, checking in here. Nice to see you. And you got that animal too. You got that, uh, you got that dark, uh, that, uh, that dark animal in the backseat homework. My question is about, uh, whether or not Theo has any words of encouragement or just thoughts about having to re-home a pet. Um, I'll actually be moving from South Carolina to

Covington, Louisiana, um, in June. So, uh, I have to re-home her. I can't take her with me, just logistics wise. So I wanted to know what your thoughts were about that. Well, thank you. Yeah, look, I think if you're going to bring an animal down to Louisiana, we'll, we, that's good. That's an animal place, man. Name 70 animals. I bet you a lot of them are right there in Louisiana if you do. Um, yeah. I mean, I grew up in the stray animal belt over there. And so I don't know a ton about dogs. I believe in them. I've seen them my whole life, you know, um, the area I grew up in, a lot of stray animals. I mean, we had stray, everything was stray. I mean, from the damn birds to, uh,

this hat, hell, this one family down the street, you'd catch the damn, the daughter drinking not the ditch. Uh, but we had a lot of stray animals come through, you know? And so I don't have, the first time I ever saw a dog in a home, it was, it blew my mind. It was a beautiful blonde haired, blue, a brown eyed animal. Oh, my God. Damn, that thing's fine as hell, boy. What thing's fine as hell? I'm about to fucking grill that thing up over at the Asian church, you feel me? Oh, don't you love us? Lord, we love you. What was I talking about? Yeah. So I don't have a much experience on, uh, rehoming animals, but but it's obvious you care about the animal. You're going to find it a good home. And I think just

welcome to Covington, Louisiana. You know, it's a great place. It's a warm place. Um, there's a lot of good people. Uh, it's a good place to raise a child. It's a good place to be a mom. Um, there's a strong sense of community over there. And, uh, I'm sure you will like it. It's a great place to have an imagination. And I'm thankful to that place, uh, for just giving me a tapestry to be on as, uh, as I pass through time here. Yeah. I don't know. We had a stray animal. I mean, I got bit by, you know, I mean, damn, I got bit by so many fucking dogs. God, them bitches would fucking bite me. I thought there was something in me. I thought I had a damn pork loin in me or something. You know, I thought, you know, God was hiding bacon in my

ass or something. Them dogs would fucking latch on to me. So anyway, good luck to you and congratulations on the move. All right, let's take one more call and, um, yeah, let's see what we got. As always, the hotline is nine, eight, five, six, six, four, nine, five, zero, three. Um, here we go. Hey Theo, um, my name is Danielle. I live on the west side of Michigan. Um, great lakes, great times, that murder mitten. Yeah, baby, that murder mitten. That's it. If you want to get murdered and you want to hear kid rock blasting in the background while you do it, you got to go to Michigan buddy and enjoy yourself onward. No, um, but anyways, I just got pulled in a little early to this, you know, program that I'm participating in and I just wanted to touch base. I was listening

to you, you know, on my drive in this morning and recently you've just been talking a lot about, like, taking time for yourself, like, you know, prioritizing, like life moves real quickly and, um, you know, that's, that's true. And, uh, I recently made the decision to, you know, take some time off for myself and, and get some therapy and some medication to kind of battle the dark arts in my heart and my soul and my mind. Uh, you know, um, we're out here, man, we're doing it and, you know, I'm a career person. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. You know, I got a lot of responsibility, but you know, at the end of the day, I had to make the decision to, uh, help myself, you know, uh, cause what's the cost if you don't, right? So amen. Danielle, thank you

for the call and happy mother's day to you. Um, and yeah, I'm, uh, you know, mothers are the real, they're the real worst thing. They're the, you know, mother that get it all. They get, they're the, you know, it's a lot of, they're the toll booth. They're the on ramp. It's a lot of responsibility. You're running around with a damn portal between the heavens and existence and the world. Yeah. I'm sure it is stressful. Dear God, I can't even make it through a damn toll booth. If I don't have the change, right? I fucking lose my shit. So to be carrying a, you know, a portal to be in everything that you're, you're like that. You're the Greyhound station of the Lord.

And you know how much things get left at a Greyhound, the whole kind of this than that and the old jacket, somebody left a damn oven mid over there and half a milk. Dude, I saw a sister drinking a can of damn semilac one time, calling somebody a homo on the phone once at Philadelphia over there by the bus by the Greyhound. So it's all kind of shit. You know, and being a mom, being all that, there's a lot coming at you. You're a, you're the, you're the nucleus really of the family really in a lot of ways, a lot passing through you. And there's a lot that's been going on in history. You know, I think so many things happened over the past centuries, wars and battles and love and loss.

And only now in the present society really are we really at a place where we've come up kind of for air, where all of our needs are kind of met, where we can look at our emotions, see what's going on, how we feel, what's happening. And it makes perfect sense to take time and clean your mirror. So I'm proud of you. Yeah, look, even NASCAR, they put them, they do nine laps and pulling bitches in the shop. And those are the most greatest cars on earth. So it makes sense that we take time to take care of ourselves. It makes sense that we find ways to be happy and take care of ourselves. So I'm proud of you. I don't think there's anything. Yeah, look, this is your time. This mother's week is your time.

So yeah, you take care of yourself. Take all the time that you need. Yeah, it's important. We have to take care of ourselves. Yeah, if you don't have yourself, what do you have? Sometimes I find I'm I'm I'm hurrying for what I've always felt like that in my life of God, I get this done so I can. But there's not a thing. There's never a thing that I'm hurt. It's an invis. It's like somebody fired a gun at a starting line a long time ago. And I've just been going. So take time to carry yourself. Play girl, we doing good. What else? Not much, dude. Shave my chest the other day, feeling okay about that. A little nervous about it. You know, my tits don't look exactly like I would like, but that's God. That's what he's doing.

You know, one of my tits looks like a little bit of like a melt, like somebody put a scoop ice cream, but it's just starting to melt a little. So but hey, who don't love a little bit of sweet cream? Can I have some? I want to thank you guys. I want to thank you mothers for being mothers. We're going to go out this kind of a sad song, but I'm used to listening to this song a lot when I needed to process feelings of a connection that I didn't have with my own mother. I would listen to this all not all the time, but I would listen to when I really was in a moment where I was like, okay, I need to, you know, when I could feel some of those feelings come on,

I would listen to this song because it would help me process them. And it would help me get those out of my system, you know? So let's listen to that. Now this is Evan Bartels, the devil, God, and me. Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there. We love you and thank you for what you do. And thank you. Be good to yourselves. You know that, baby gang. Now this is an emo one. So if you don't like that emo, then go on. I want about yourself. Nobody's keeping you here. Gang, baby. Evan Bartels, man. Love y'all, baby. Big world waiting right outside. Mother, may I raise my voice?

We, the people have that choice. Mother, may I raise my head? Though I did not try my best. Mother, may I sip the wine? Though I did not dare.