This Past Weekend - E450 Tom Segura

Starting point is 00:00:00 I want to thank Rooster Teeth for allowing us time today here in their studio space. Out here in Austin, Texas, we are grateful to them and we are grateful for this space. Today's guest is a comedian with a new special Sledge Hammer coming out July 4th. He is a podcaster. He is the creator of YMH Studios. He is one of a kind and we're grateful to have him back today. Mr. Tom Sigura. I'll spin and tell you about your dreams. Shine on me. And I will find a strong, I'll stay there. I'll go.

Starting point is 00:00:56 I'm looking alive. to the famous gonna rock. Looking alive. Was that a Nirvana shirt? Was that? Was that a Nirvana shirt? No, I think it's a bass girl. Bass girl? Yeah, yeah, bass girl.

Starting point is 00:01:14 What is it? Bass girl? Bass girl? Bass girl. Bass girl. Bass girl? The artist. He overdosed.

Starting point is 00:01:22 Oh, no, I didn't know that. All the good ones. Do heroin, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that he had a big collabo with Warhol, two heroin addicts going at it. They made some cool fucking shit together. I mean, it looks like drug addicts did it,

Starting point is 00:01:35 but they were, yeah. I've never seen a lot of that Warhol stuff. Trying to think of a good artist that I knew growing up. Hmm. I don't know if we had any art per se in our area, really. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't, I mean, I think we had it.

Starting point is 00:01:53 I was exposed to a little bit of it. I feel like as a kid and then I had an uncle who was really into it. I think I like it more as I get older. Yeah. I mean, I do like going into a place, like whether it's someone's home or a business like People that have art colors popping. You're like, oh, yeah, this is better than like when do like when you're young

Starting point is 00:02:12 And everything's just like like you have your apartment is just white walls You're like this is actually like oh, that's why I was depressed. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's sad as fuck This is a sad place to me And I remember like girls coming over to apartments when I was like in my early 20s and then being like, this is a fucking serial killer lives here, huh? And you're like, yeah, it's cool, right? You don't even think about it.

Starting point is 00:02:33 You're like, yeah, sad as fuck. You're like, oh, you like that, you like that date liney vibe? Yeah, it is kind of when you look back, oh, when I look back on some of the things that I considered, I guess were order whatever that I would hang on my wall. I remember I got a jump rope one time and I was so fucking excited and I hung that bitch all along the wall.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Yeah, and you're like, this is my shit. Yeah. Is this a rope? Yeah. If people would come in, I'd be like, yeah. No, and then you know what really does it? If you go, even if you just walk into the lobby of like a nice hotel, and you're like, oh my god,

Starting point is 00:03:05 like where they have like the bouquet of flowers. Oh yeah. And you're like, oh, this snake, this snake makes everybody feel calm and kind of like this, what it makes you go is like, I want to be here. I want to be in this room. Yes. Colors on the walls and you're like, oh, this is nice. And then, and then you all of a sudden it hits you years later, where you're like, oh,

Starting point is 00:03:23 I can do a version of that. Like I could paint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could do something to help out. Yeah, I think I always, I've never, one of my friends came in my home the other day and he's like, dude, everything that's in here is stuff that was in here when you bought this house.

Starting point is 00:03:38 Like, you just kept the shoe. Oh, there's not, yeah. And he's like, dude, your house, it doesn't even seem like you live here. Like you have to start doing something to make this your home. Can I tell you, I don't, some things in life you just realized

Starting point is 00:03:52 that you have to spend the money to do. And I had to accept it that I am not a fucking interior designer, but I don't want the place to look as sad as those early apartments. It is the thing you have to call somebody. You just call them? Yeah, you just call them. And what you do is, there you go, here's pictures of things and you go, I like this,

Starting point is 00:04:15 I like this. And then they go, what do you think of this idea? And you're like, yeah, and then they just do it. Wow. And you go, yeah, that's worth it. And it was worth it. Yeah, it's worth it because it's your home. So you're going to walk in there every time and be like, oh, this worth it. And it was worth it. Yeah, it's worth it because it's your home. So you're gonna walk in there every time and be like,

Starting point is 00:04:26 oh, this feels awesome. And it feels like you, because you want it to be things that you pick. But you realize that you're never going to do that on your own. Like, and I mean, you specifically just said that there's shit in there that was there like from when you bought it.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Oh yeah, there's a pit drawings of, the previous family was a black ownership and they, uh, black ownership. There's two black, yeah, there's like a thing of, like a business. There's a black owned fucking card dealership. Yeah, yeah, it's like a Tulsa, whatever that thing was, but it was, yeah, there's like some,

Starting point is 00:05:00 yeah, there's people that I don't know on the walls. Oh really? Yeah. And so you bought this place? Yeah, they had left a few things and you're just like leave it. Yeah, I just didn't I just never got a plan I think I just I don't yeah all the furniture everything. It's in there see that what I would do I all the furniture to everything beds everything Wow even awards actually that I guess the man in won a couple of awards. What kind of awards?

Starting point is 00:05:25 Uh, first black something or other, you know? Ha ha ha. So it's like, I feel bad keeping that. Yeah, yeah. Some of them are kind of cool, you know? Do you, what you got to do is when you, you have somebody help you, you know, design the place.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Yeah. But in court, like have a few of the, like, photos or something that are still from when you got it. So it's mixed in, it's all Theo, but then when people are like, what's up with this black family? You're like, that's previous owners.

Starting point is 00:05:55 Yeah, yeah. Do you know them? And you're like, nah, I just, I like to honor them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna have some honor for them. Yeah, that's all. Yeah, because it's, but yeah, there would be nice from grogging, I'm like, holy shit, I'm the first black,

Starting point is 00:06:09 like, you know, commissioner of time, you know? Yeah. When I'm kind of just wandering around. Good to see you, man. Good to see you too, man. Yeah, thank you for coming and hanging out. Absolutely. Yeah, I was trying to think about, um,

Starting point is 00:06:29 was I looking at earlier that I was thinking about? I don't know. Yeah. Just how it is sometimes. Yeah. Todd. Yeah, it just makes you want to not think. Do you think there's something nice about like, I've lived in places where I never had air conditioning, right?

Starting point is 00:06:47 Yeah. And it's tough, but there's also something that's kind of like primitive and real about like, I feel like the dreams I had at night were a little more like, I would be sweating in my sheets. Did that make any sense to you? I thought a thousand percent, a thousand percent. And it's, you know what the thing is too, is that it's pretty easy to snap your head back

Starting point is 00:07:11 into the hottest, physically hottest, most uncomfortable times in my life. Like I can actually, you say that, and immediately, I go to this Florida Keys trip I took when I was 14. Ooh, and we were down the keys and it was hot It was like May, June. It was hot as fuck and they had no AC and you just you just I mean I just literally remember that I remember doing um, I Worked construction for my friends

Starting point is 00:07:40 Family and we were um, he the dad had bought an apartment complex and he wanted to, he had to redo the apartments. So they stripped them down and then we laid tile and we grout in apartments in the summer in Florida. I mean, we're talking like, you know, it's 100 degrees with a 100% humidity and you're on your knees just like, oh, and you, but there's, and there's no, there's not even wind, there's just, right? But like, and you need children for that labor.

Starting point is 00:08:10 You definitely do, you can't have actual adults. Yeah, yeah. So that was, but like as soon as you say that, like you just, I just immediately remember those moments. And then there's something about like physically, like is you hate it? I mean, in the moment, you're like, I hate this.

Starting point is 00:08:26 But you do kind of feel like you're, I don't know, you're in a different place. Like you really feel like you're working, you really feel like your dreams are just about air blowing on you. That's like the simplest type of thing you have. Or how amazing in those moments is a cold gatorade.

Starting point is 00:08:47 Like the, you know what I mean? When you're like, you feel it and then somebody goes, they pull it out of a cooler. Yeah, it's like, it was strong. Oh, I could be. And there's nothing sweeter in the world. Oh, it's so good. And you can even taste the flavor.

Starting point is 00:09:01 If you're comfortable when you have a game, I don't even know you're something like, I'm gonna have a flavor. Yeah, like what flavor do you like? Any of them, I don't even know. You're like, I'm gonna flake this. Yeah, like what flavor do you like? Any of them, I don't know. Who cares? Yeah, it's like ice, yeah, like, floral ice or something.

Starting point is 00:09:11 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're like, that's a flavor that's insane. Yeah, it's always now, it's like, polar plunge. And you're like, just give it, I don't care. Yeah, I don't care what color it is. It's some bitches and you're like, this tastes, this tastes actually pretty amazing.

Starting point is 00:09:24 Yeah, that's good. I didn't realize I wanted to get it. I do that. Yeah, I'll have a good guy with a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little Yeah, cold. I never really I don't think I had too much real coldness in my life. Thank God There's people that are just not it's funny like my trainer He's you know, he's like he's one of those dudes that is like he just They get after it. They've been disciplined. Yes, and like he eats right he works out hard like come on Like this push like gold. You know, it's another one like that's what gold. It's another one, like that's what they are. They're coaches, you know? And the heat, he's like, I like to be outside when it's a hundred and run and people are like,

Starting point is 00:10:13 you're gonna fucking pass, like he likes it. Yeah, he wants it, they want to go there. They want to go there, but the dude has no tolerance for cold, which I find hilarious. You know, he like, he doesn't like cold weather, he doesn't like the cold plunge shit. And like, I don't know, it's kind of fun to like catch him on the other side.

Starting point is 00:10:30 Yeah, I catch him on the other side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's cool that he's just like, man, I wanna get to a warmer place. You see this whole personality change. Yeah, I love it, dude. Yes, I guess the cold really, I remember at one time it snowed in our town and people had never seen it.

Starting point is 00:10:44 And people were yelling shit at the sky and just yelling like Racial slurs and clouds and shit. Yeah people were You know like just like these ice in words, you know Just people yelling shit outside and some kid went outside and got hit by an ice sickle It was like the first I probably ever fell in our. And that bitch fucking hit him right in the cheek and his mom tried to sue the city. From like eight years, dude, it was this huge thing and she's like, Ricky would have been different.

Starting point is 00:11:14 And everybody's like, Ricky, fuck, it was never different. Ricky was always just. Gonna be Ricky. Ricky was never. Yeah. Ricky never had a chance. You know, Ricky was gonna be a senator. Something like Ricky was never. Ricky never had a chance. You know, Ricky was gonna be a senator. Something like, Ricky was not.

Starting point is 00:11:29 Ricky was always gonna be cleaning gutters. He had no chance. Ricky was that best gonna be a drunk driver. That was like if he changed. Yeah, yeah. Like that's how he got his name in the paper. Dude, what was that? Oh, they used to have those cool things. The, uh,

Starting point is 00:11:47 did you ever see that, like they had evil, can evil remember those times? Yeah. Sure. So it was probably before time a little bit, but they had, who's this guy? Uh, they had a guy, you know what I'm talking about? There we go. This is Jimmy the Greek. Remember this shit dude. Wait. Jimmy the Greek I think. What? That is fucking so stupid. That's so stupid and I love it. We don't even get to do shit like this anymore. Look at the actual hell off, yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:34 And look they're going to rescue them dude. You gotta let this guy die. Can you imagine just telling somebody about your accomplishment? Like who are you? Like I fucking jumped over 20 motorcycles in school bus. Oh, wow. That's you? That's me.

Starting point is 00:12:51 Ooh, when you hit that ramp, dude. Would they, there's so much kickback from that, when the front nose hit the ramp, I think it, I mean, that's fucking cool, dude. God, it was funny. You ride the bus to school. Oh, yeah,, dude. Yeah. God, it was fun. You ride the bus to school? Oh, yeah, of course. By the way, is there more than one Jimmy the Greek?

Starting point is 00:13:10 Am I, is that the Jimmy the Greek that we all know? You know what I mean? The common thing. Oh, that's a flying Greek, this guy. Because this is Jimmy the flying Greek. Ah, okay. Very, I was like, there's no way that that guy. Yeah, there was the other guy.

Starting point is 00:13:23 That was a common thing. Oh, Jimmy Snyder. Okay. Yeah, this guy. Yeah, I'm like, this fucking no way that that guy. Yeah, there was the other guy. That was a commentator. Oh, it was you. It was Snyder. Yeah, this guy. Yeah, I'm like, this fucking guy's driving the bus. Like, that would be crazy. Oh, yeah, he got busted for what? Yeah, I think it was a racial thing, right?

Starting point is 00:13:36 It wasn't it. It was 70s or 80s. It was, yeah, racial comments and dismissal. 1988. Oh, yeah, oh, he said, yeah, that people were bred to be in better shape. Superior athletes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:49 The black is not a good way to start a sentence. The black is a better athlete to begin with. Yeah, this guy's out of his mind. Yeah, I mean, he's on point. I mean, he's definitely right, but you don't say it like that. Yeah, you gotta pretend like you don't think that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:04 Or you just don't say it. But what about you see guys? But isn't it so great to picture him driving that bus? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're like, that actually looks like a bus driver. Oh, yeah, dude. But we had a guy in our neighborhood named Milford, right?

Starting point is 00:14:17 And this dude never had a shirt or he couldn't be in a shirt, something was wrong with him. And he would drive us fucking with no shirt sometimes. And sometimes he wouldn't even take us to school and the police would all come pick us up off the bus. Really? Take us in air cars, yeah. That reminds me of Ariel Castro.

Starting point is 00:14:34 Remember him? That's the guy that kidnapped those three girls and kept them in a basement in Cleveland. Oh yeah. There was a huge national story. He was a bus driver in Cleveland. Oh. And one time before he got caught obviously

Starting point is 00:14:48 before this whole thing exploded, he just got mad and left the kids on the bus and just abandoned the bus. And he did, he was suspended. That was it, he was suspended for a year. But this dude was a, this guy was driving kids to school. Oh Probably just picking out the best ones interviewing them for years at a time. Yeah, he was like all right come back We'll talk again next week real fucking psycho. I wouldn't want to have anybody kidnapped in my house

Starting point is 00:15:19 I don't think especially three people. Oh Well at least if you have you Well, at least if you have, you know, they say if you have goats, you shouldn't have just one. Uh huh. Yeah. That was an old point. Yeah, my mother was gonna,

Starting point is 00:15:32 we were gonna get my mother a goat and then when she found out she had to have two goats, she's like, I don't want two goats. I want one. Yeah, but one, will they get so sad that they can't stand themselves? Yeah. I don't think Ariel was thinking like that,

Starting point is 00:15:45 but he was, yeah, he was a real, he was a real shitbag of a human being for sure. It was crazy to watch him. I remember when this story, it was such an unbelievable story because he had them for years. Yeah. And he was such a psycho that he would, he would join the search parties.

Starting point is 00:16:02 Oh, like when they would have an annual, like we're one, he would go with those and then he would go back search parties. Oh, like when they would have an annual, like, he would go with those. And then he would go back and tell the girls, like, people are still looking for you and laugh and stuff. He was real surprised. Wonderful when they were walking on his street, he was like, you're getting warm. He put me for playing.

Starting point is 00:16:17 Right? He insane. And I would think they start to walk up to his place. He's like, I would take a left. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. Just check this place out. He's just doing stuff like that.

Starting point is 00:16:29 And he had, you know, the finding is like, the way that like the human mind works is that he, the one that he trusted, there's the three, the one that he trusted and he had a baby with, when he was there. And so he so trusted how fearful they were that he would leave her unchained and free. She was so brainwashed and scared that,

Starting point is 00:16:50 yeah, she would just stay until the day that she didn't, but she never, it was pretty wild then. But he was, it's like Bert and Arby's, I feel like. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. I feel like it's like, he would stay in there. He will never leave. That roast beef is like, it's like a girl in his basement.

Starting point is 00:17:10 The roast beef and him are one. How interesting that Bird has made his own sound in the world. How many people have made their own sound? That's a really good point. You're doing it, yeah. Yeah, it started. That type of it, yeah. Yeah, who started it? That type of school? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:28 I think you can only make that sound if you enjoy yourself that much. He's so pleased with himself. I've never met somebody who is so enamored with themselves. Like, yeah. And then he'll be like, I understand that, like, you know, people get exhausted of me. And I'm like, oh, really? He goes, unless you like me, then you can't get enough.

Starting point is 00:17:47 And I'm like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, and I'm like, well, which one are you? He's like, I definitely can't get enough of me. I'm like, God. But how do you have this much love for yourself? He's got to enjoy that.

Starting point is 00:17:59 True, huh? He probably wakes up every day and he's like, yeah, I'm awesome. I'm burned again. It's funny because everybody usually struggles with the other side of that. Yeah. Right, like I'm not good enough. He doesn't, huh?

Starting point is 00:18:10 I mean, I don't think, like, well, maybe, but it's like, it's so morphed into this other thing or like, with bodies, like everybody who, you know, it goes like, ah, you know, I wish I didn't have this belly or like, you know, and then he's just like, I look fucking great. Yeah. Like, wait, what? It's like, you're you know, I wish I didn't have this belly. Or like, you know, and then he's just like, I look fucking great. You're like, wait, what? It's like you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Which is what like a psychologist would tell you. You'd be like, you know, because look at your great shoulders. And then you'd be like, oh, okay. You're right. And then he's just like, yeah, I automatically do that. I look fucking great. And you're like, okay.

Starting point is 00:18:43 All right, I was wrong. You're like, I was looking at you and actually picking everything apart. But yeah, you do have nice delts. Yeah, you have legs like a snowman. Yeah, these little pencil legs. I guess I was looking pretty crazily. Yeah, man.

Starting point is 00:18:58 Yeah, that is interesting, man. Yeah, you know, I think he has an infallible, and I don't know what that means, but he has like this ability to, he has a fucking undefeated, there's something about him that's un-fucking defeated. Yeah. Well, it seems like it anyway,

Starting point is 00:19:14 I mean, you know him so well. Well, you're right, you're right. It is, it's that ultimately, he really buys into a man of bet on myself in every aspect. I believe in myself. And he's not gonna wallow in the any of the negative stuff. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:33 You know, he's somebody, and that's also something that you would be taught, just keep moving forward. That's him all the time. He's going, going, going. I think almost to his own detriment where you need to go, like, hold back, pull back a little bit. Right.

Starting point is 00:19:48 Be present in this because I think he's just like the race is over but he's still going. He's still, yeah, that's exactly what he's doing. He's still running and they're like, this is over right now. You can, then yeah, he just goes and goes and goes. But interesting. He, you know, he gets like, it's funny because people just see like a shirtless morbidly obese lunatic. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:12 And they go, this guy's a fucking... This guy gambles. Yeah. He's a mess. And he is all those things. But he's actually, you know, I'd say he's actually a lot smarter than he gets credit for. It's easy to go, this guy's just a dope and he's drunk.

Starting point is 00:20:29 But he's actually, like, I mean, I'm honest, like seriously, he, as far as ideas too, like creatively, he's an idea man. Dude. And I don't think people give him any credit. Like he busts out ideas. You could go, if you went up to him and you're like, I wanna have a television show.

Starting point is 00:20:49 He would throw you. Giving an idea. 10. Wow. He would throw you 10. And then you're like, I don't like that one, I don't like that one. And then you'd be like, well, that's,

Starting point is 00:21:00 I think that's the best idea I've heard for that. That's a good one. Yeah, he really is. Lea Stagustando mi podcast. That is Spanish. For are you liking my podcast? That's Spanish. And Babel is how you can figure one and the other out.

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Starting point is 00:24:02 Other things overshadow them. You know, you don't get to know them in other regards. I think that a lot of the UFC fighters, some of them are so cool at other shit or so funny or whatever, you never even get to know because they're just seen as like this warrior. Well, because it's easy,

Starting point is 00:24:18 it's all of us want to go, that's who this is. And it's easy to define people as one dimensional. Yeah. You know, like, like, there's a Southern guy, and he's a comedian. And like, I don't, that's all you are. And you should like, like, I want to be able to describe him in this way.

Starting point is 00:24:35 Yeah. You know, I don't, I don't, if you told me he likes sailing and ski shooting, I doesn't add up, so I'm not gonna, they don't want to, they don't want to hear it. They just want to hear it. Yeah. This is who he is. This is who he is, it make it simple and let me and it's like when somebody goes Somebody says they like guns they go. Oh, so you're like a

Starting point is 00:24:54 conservative right wing second amendment champion and someone's like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about I just like go into the shooting like you know, you I'm just a tech nine fan or something. Yeah, exactly. But, but like so many people go, well that does, if you like this, then you are this type of person. Yeah. And what the truth is that like a UFC fighter can like the ballet, you know?

Starting point is 00:25:15 Like it just does it. But a lot of people just don't want to think outside of what is comfortable. Because then it might shatter everything that they believe. Oh, that's true, huh? Yeah, man, because they don't want to think that somebody... That a redneck guy could have a black buddy, that he's not afraid to do sleepovers with.

Starting point is 00:25:36 Exactly, exactly. And they would fucking ruin their whole ball away. Exactly, and then they don't get to be lazy thinkers. Because essentially it's being lazy to go, I want to easily define everybody with, like, oh, he's from here, he's this type of guy. Got it. That's what he is. Dang.

Starting point is 00:25:55 Yeah, that's interesting, man. I've got to keep tabs on my brain sometimes and to trust to do that because yeah. Because sometimes it is. We all do. We all do. Yeah. But then sometimes it's also funny if you're joking around as a stereotype. And you have to be able to do it.

Starting point is 00:26:07 Of course, I mean, I think of like these, like comics like Brian Simpson, you know Brian, he's so funny. And what I love is that he challenges what people would like, will think. Because they want to define him, you know? Like they go like, oh he's black. Yeah, he seems like maybe like a bus driver's son or whatever. But they go like, oh he's black. Yeah, he seems like maybe like a bus driver's son or whatever.

Starting point is 00:26:26 But they go like, oh he's served in the military. So then somebody will be like, well he's my guy. And then you go, you talk to him and then you realize, no, but he also, he has left leaning thoughts and ideas. He has blood donor. He's a blood donor, even bone marrow, he'll go that far. Oh God. And then he, but like, the thing is like,

Starting point is 00:26:48 you can't easily just define the guy because the guy is an original thinker. He has, you know, he has moderate thoughts, he has left, because he's like everybody, he's a multi-layered, complex individual. And as a, like from an audience standpoint, when you watch a guy like that, that's fun. Because you go, well, he, if he was ex-military,

Starting point is 00:27:08 he must be like this, he's like, no. And his ideas are just original, you know? And I love that he challenges people's idea of what he's supposed to be. Yeah. Do you think, yeah, Brian is a really unique dude. He's interested in here. I like how he's kind of a little bit patient with it,

Starting point is 00:27:24 you know, it's like, he's kind of that silent killer. He's interested in here. I like how he's kind of a little bit patient with it. You know, it's like he's kind of that silent killer. He's like infosima. Oh, yeah. He is exactly infosima. Yeah. Yeah. And that takes like real skill. Yeah. Yeah. And years of smoke. Like you you don't just get there. Like that's confidence and you got to be good. Honestly, to take your time people who take their time are the most fun to watch, I think. Yeah, that's a good statement. Now that Ron White had this great, I think he told Christina this, he goes, don't, he's like, just remember,

Starting point is 00:27:56 if you're, if you're doing bad up there, slow down. Hmm, if you're doing good up there, slow down. Mm, if you're doing good up there, slow down. Like across the board. Right. Drop it down a notch, right? Because everybody's instinct a lot of times is like speed up, fast forward. And then you get it on both sides,

Starting point is 00:28:17 because you're like, yeah, if I'm dying up there, I want to get like, let's just go. Maybe I can run through this and I won't suffer as badly. Yeah. And if you're killing, it's almost like this level I can run through this and I won't suffer as badly. Yeah. And if you're killing, it's almost like this level of excitement. You want to keep the gas going?

Starting point is 00:28:28 I'm going to get on. It's like, just slow down. Did you ever get in moments where I found like, even looking back on some shows where it's like, man, I was in such a pattern of doing my material that that becomes almost a, not a problem, but it becomes something I have to contend with each show. Like, how do I make this feel original to my face,

Starting point is 00:28:50 to my everything? Absolutely. I mean, I call it press play performing. When you get into the pattern so much that it's like you press play on the, you know, on your remote. Yeah, you're like right here. You're like, right here.

Starting point is 00:29:03 You're like, right here. Here's the show. And you just do the show. Yeah, you're like right here. You're like, you're right here. Here's the show. And you just do the show. Yeah, the great thing is that you have the ability to recognize that it's happening. And the first, what happens first, I think is that you're out there doing a show after a show after a show, you go,

Starting point is 00:29:17 what is going on? And then you realize, oh, I'm like, I'm stale, I'm bored, and I'm doing the same, fucking show, beat by beat. And even like, like you said, face, like a turn my face here. And I bored, and I'm doing the same fucking show, beat by beat, and even like, like you said, facial, I turn my face here and I do this and I gesture like this and it's hitting the mark and it's bad, it's bad for you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:34 And so, you start, the first thing I try to do is go, I'm gonna, I have to open that, the next show differently, whether it's a joke from the act that I move to the front, or I'm going to riff at the front, or I'm going to write a new, like I have to start differently because sometimes if you start the show completely differently, it gives you this energy for the rest of the show. Like this whole, this something inside you changes. I really think the key to all of it is that when you're in that zone of doing the same

Starting point is 00:30:06 shit, you have to challenge yourself to create something new. Because there's no juice like that, there's nothing that feels better than a new thing. But it's also work that you don't have to do. So that's why it's a challenge. Because you're like, I have the show works. Right, it'll be fine. It'll be fine without me doing that. But it's the only way to get through that feeling of like,

Starting point is 00:30:28 this sucks right now. I'm not having fun. Yeah. And there's a little other element that happens. There's some other magic in the room whenever the, if you can get that freshness somehow. It's like, it's, it, the right word for it is magic. Because there's no other way to like, you can only say it

Starting point is 00:30:43 to other people who have done it, but I just remember that like when I was touring Europe, I was, I'd just written some new stuff, and then I opened the show, and like, you start with such a pop of, but it's a fresh pop, because like this is my new toy, like you just, you, that I was performing the rest of the show with such a level of excitement.

Starting point is 00:31:07 And then I would get off and the people that the tour crew would be like, they're like, man, you haven't like so much fun out there. And you're like, yeah, and you know why? Because of the first five minutes of the show. That carried me through the hour. And then there's like, you realize in those moments you're like, well, anytime I feel stale,

Starting point is 00:31:26 what I need to do is that. I need to like try something new. Yeah, that's what it is, you know? And like, it kind of applies to life too, right? People who get like, oh, I'm bored. I'm like, you got to try something. That's true. Yeah, if you're bored, if you with your spouse in the bedroom,

Starting point is 00:31:40 if you're bored with your buddy and you're just sitting somewhere, you got to order a toy. Yeah, you got to order that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to turn on the thing that like it goes around under, like it's like cinches the top of your ball bag. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:31:54 And then there's the other part on your dick. And so you got two clamps going down. Oh yeah. I mean, that'll change you in your body. Oh yeah, dude. Like relationship. Yeah, for sure. You and that black guy that I joined the team over?

Starting point is 00:32:06 You're gonna have the best night. Dude, I remember one of the first times I realized that black and white people were different when we were riding a truck in the back of a truck somewhere. And our basketball coach was taking us somewhere to probably do work for him for free because he was kind of like that. And he, we got to a stop sign.

Starting point is 00:32:24 We'd been one like 50 miles an hour. And my black buddy, this kid, uh, Mike, um, he goes, what's it like to have your hair blowing the wind? That's what he asked me. Yeah. That's a good one. I was like, wow, it's interesting. And it takes you a second, right?

Starting point is 00:32:40 You're like, what? I mean, like, oh, yeah. You're just kind of moves all together. Yeah, it was just, yeah, I was like, you got And then you're like, oh yeah. You're just kind of moves all together. Yeah, it was just, yeah, it was like, you got a dent in your shit right now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:50 Yeah. Yeah. Dude, yeah, you have like a fucking twig, yeah. Yeah, you actually, you need to go see someone to reset everything. Yeah. Um, yeah, I'm trying to think of what else

Starting point is 00:33:03 has been interesting going on. Did you guys, you got an a fitness a lot recently, huh? Yeah, I mean, on the last tour, you know what happened was that I always do it somewhat. Right, because you guys have done that all so proctober for a while. But even before that, it was always like, I mean, that would be another time, but I would get like to a certain point, and then I would have the mentality of like, oh, I got there. It's almost like the race is over, like I'm done, like now I'm good. Like 10 times or more. And so that what happens is when you go like, I'm done, you just kind of retreat back to

Starting point is 00:33:44 old habits, and you get out of shape. And then I'll say, you're like, oh'm done, you just kind of retreat back to old habits and you get out of shape. And then I'll say, you're like, oh, fuck, how does this happen again? And then you go, I'm gonna do it again. And then you go, all right, I'm gonna work out and eat clean and then you lose weight and you start to get, and then you go,

Starting point is 00:33:58 oh, I got to this number again, all right? I feel, and then you just kind of pull back. And so it really was that I got frustrated by that. And I had gotten, I was on tour and we were working out on tour, but not really like dialed in on food. And the tour was like aggressive, like nonstop. And I remember that I got to back to LA

Starting point is 00:34:24 to shoot this thing. I was shooting this pilot. I had written and I was covering the whole production. And I remember I was in the the wardrobe fitting for it. And I was like, shit, this is like, I feel like I'm going back, like in the fitting the clothes. I was like, oh, this sucks. And then I left there, like after that week, and I was like, I have to take this more seriously. But the difference is, is that I no longer go, if I see a number that I like on a scale, that means I'm good.

Starting point is 00:34:59 It's just, I realized that you have to do it, like that there is no end. There's, it's just continuous. Right. It's like, it's something that you have to do it. Like that there is no end. It's just continuous. It's like, it's something that you just, if it's about goals, you just have to set new goals. You know, like, if you, you can't go like off, I see this number, I'm at the weight I like.

Starting point is 00:35:17 You have to set new fitness goals. Like you have to go, well, this month is about, you know, like cardio stuff, or this month, I wanna see if I can do 200 pushups a day. You have to set goal. That's what I mean, that's what happened for you. Had you been doing that before in your life setting, I know we have sometimes subconsciously, we set goals, we don't realize, and we have some of that going on in our general life, but have you ever done it that specifically before we were like, I'm a set at goal?

Starting point is 00:35:42 I kind of loosely, I would say, hey, this month, let's go after this type of thing. Things like like in Sober October, but this was also the time where I was like, you know, this really, as like cliche as it sounds, can be like a lifestyle change. And now I realized how much I am affected, not just physically, mentally, emotionally, by, and in a good way, by my, like working out a lot, and like waking up,

Starting point is 00:36:13 getting my, my stuff together, going to the gym right away, and I'm like, I'm just having a better day, I'm just happier, yeah, I'm moving around better, I look better, I feel like, so I just go, I feel like I have better creative days. You know, like it's all kind of tied together. Yeah, it's tied together.

Starting point is 00:36:32 So I just made it like part of what I do. It's like, you know, I just, I know that I want to eat certain types of food that are good for me. And by the way, I'm not saying this like, I am the most strict dude and don't ever, but I'm just like, there's just so much more clean eating. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:53 And I like the workouts, I like it. I like being active and I just feel like, I'm very fortunate in that I have a full-time trainer. So I know I'm not, right, not everybody has that. I totally understand that. It's a huge advantage. So sometimes people will be like, yeah, of course you can do that.

Starting point is 00:37:11 I'm like, yeah, that's, I'm very lucky that I can do it. But you also just have to want that in your life. Yeah. We even have a buddy that goes with you to the gym. That used to be one of the funnest times when I was young dude. We would go and we used to do steroids back in the day and- Really, what kind of steroids would you do?

Starting point is 00:37:28 Oh dude, test 200, 400. We might have done a fucking 1100 they came out with for like, fucking a couple of like- I got, I take some tests though. Do you, are you- My vitamin T? Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:41 Yeah, we would take a couple of jobs. Yeah. Were you doing the butt cheat? Yeah, it's almost gets kind of fun. I hate a couple of jobs. Yeah. Were you doing the butt cheek? Yeah. Yeah, it's almost gets kind of fun. I hate to say that in a lot. But see, I take a moderate dose though. Like, I was like, oh, I'm gonna,

Starting point is 00:37:52 this is gonna be wild and they're like, not with what we give you. Like, they're like, like, one of the guys was like, oh, he's like, how much you take in? And I tell him, he goes, that ain't shit. He goes, I would take three times that amount in one session. I tell him, he goes, I ain't shit. He goes, I would take three times that amount in one session. I was like, what?

Starting point is 00:38:07 But he was also a bodybuilder. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I mean, that's not, I'm not trying to do that. Yeah, yeah. I just want to be recover more. Yeah. And it makes me, I remember, I also tried a testosterone

Starting point is 00:38:21 that was like, I saw on the internet, you know, I fell into one of those deals one night and I bought like a couple weird shirts on Facebook and next you know, I'm buying like tests some from some company who's mailing it, right? Yeah, yeah. And they mailed it with like some eye in like a fuck. Like that's what you know shit is a little weird

Starting point is 00:38:38 when they're mailing you all the needles and the ice. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I tried that for a while, made some of my hair fall out. Really? Yeah. I noticed that that was a bad side effect from it, which was a little scary.

Starting point is 00:38:50 Was it affecting aggression? People always talk about road rage and shit. Like, was it for you snapping? It made me want to hump, no. It made me want to fucking hump, dude. I'll fuck a male man. I felt like a damn doll, you know? Yeah, really?

Starting point is 00:39:02 Oh god. I had to find myself running to the edge of the fence if the male guy would drive off. I had a guy, a friend of mine, that was in college, that was juicin' and the way that he would snap after a while. I was like,

Starting point is 00:39:17 yo, like this guy is about to fuck it. Rip somebody's arm out of it. Yeah. He was, and I was like, okay, I'm seeing this firsthand. It was, it was pretty nutty. You know, you just fucking, oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:30 All the time I was like, holy fuck. Oh, there was nothing like juicing back in the day, dude. My buddy and I met this, get fellow is a homosexual and he was a prize fighter, right? And nobody knew he was. He was just like, he grown up fighting. And then so then people would just think he was gagging around Then he'd beat the shit out of somebody. That's a fucking perfect combo. It was an insane combo, right?

Starting point is 00:39:51 People weren't ready for it. Like you're saying like people want to put you in more of a fighter You can't be gay. Yeah, never had seen it. Yeah, so So we became buddies. We're both boss boys and we became buddies and we started shooting up boys, and we became buddies, and we started shooting up, and we'd pull over on the side of the interstate and stuff like that and just douse each other up, and we're just driving around. It was right around when Princess Diana had died too, and it was just a fucking lot, but I remember we would do a bunch of steroids, and I remember the first day I was in class where I guess the teacher had given me like every quarter she had this stack of papers and she would turn them all back

Starting point is 00:40:28 to the students. She gave me this stack and I'd had this stack before and it was usually kind of heavy in my hands. And now to remember like she gave me the stack and I was like, oh isn't that funny? You remember the weight of it. Yeah. But this is like, oh this is light, this light work baby. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:44 This is the light work dude. Yeah. So I remember walking out this stack and I was like, oh, this is light. This light work, baby. Yeah. This is light work, dude. Yeah. So I'm walking around with this stack and I was like, oh, I'm a fucking different guy. Yeah. It's a good feeling. And then I was doing all kind of shit. And I would buy shit that wasn't even

Starting point is 00:40:54 started that people would tell me it was. And I was fucking a diarrhea for like three months one time horribly. I put some, I mean, there's still some stuff. I took some kind of oil, like, I think some, I mean, there's still some stuff I took some kind of like, I think some illegal oils or whatever. There was some things that I wish I hadn't taken, you know, probably, but at that time, it was so rare to get it. One time somebody, we all went to Mexico for school year thing or something, end of school. And people bought it back in shampoo bottles.

Starting point is 00:41:25 So then you were fucking doing this sudsy, bubbly fucking. Really? Yeah, like you felt like slippery all the time, but you were still doing it. I wish I remember being scared to try in high school. Yeah. And there was a couple dudes that were doing it in high school, which I thought was like,

Starting point is 00:41:42 because back then for me, all you'd heard was like a Lyle Alzato. And like, you died. Yeah, and you're like, hey, steroids, and I was like, oh, steroids are like the worst. And then there's a couple of kids, like 16 year old kids, you know, steroids. And one of them looked like a fuck, like you looked like a bodybuilder.

Starting point is 00:41:58 Like, you had a man's, a muscular man's body. And you kind of were like, that would be fucking pretty nice. This guy's like, I mean, just fucking shit. But I still was like, no, if I do that, I'll die. Like, that's what I thought, you know? So I just, I wouldn't do it. And then this dude went to college and got on,

Starting point is 00:42:18 I saw him on a break and I was like, I mean, he looked like a gorilla. I was like, what are you, he's like, they got me on this shit called Darth Vader. And I was like, that mean, he looked like a gorilla. I was like, what are you? He's like, they got me on this shit called Darth Vader. And I was like, I see it. Like, I was like, I fucking see it, dude. He was fucking so jacked. I remember he went to Florida State.

Starting point is 00:42:35 Yeah, that was, that was that nature. Remember they had that movie that came out about Florida State? Yeah, yeah. They were doing the drugs, man. Yeah. I think there was something that was definitely, it was big.

Starting point is 00:42:45 It was big to get, if you could get on some roads and then you would get a girl who was always just afraid you were gonna beat or some of those women. Perfect girlfriend. Yeah, like she'd like, don't beat me. She'd write that at the end of every love letter or whatever. And you hadn't even thought about it. Yeah, but they get your wheels turned.

Starting point is 00:43:02 It was something that, she sees what you do to tables and windows and shit. She's like, oh fuck, yeah. Yeah, dude, there was a couple of times where I fucking snapped, man, where you would be shocked at some of your own behaviors. And then your strength matches your anger and you're just able to do something insane, you know?

Starting point is 00:43:18 Were you doing like traditional lifts when you were juicing, like bench squat, deadlift, that kind of stuff? Yeah, a lot of that, some rose, were you hit crazy? Because you hit crazy numbers on them? I probably got to maybe 260, maybe I could bench 25 or 260, which isn't insane, but for me it was. Yeah, sure.

Starting point is 00:43:36 Squats I did okay, but I definitely remember, and I never thought I looked okay, so I really had some deficiency with my own brain. I was always like, do I seem okay? I'd be embarrassed to take my shirt off at places. You didn't have that burnt mentality at all. No, the unlimited fucking like, I feel like Bert should just turn his stomach,

Starting point is 00:43:56 get a nipple put on his, just make a third tip, you know? It's almost there. Like the biggest tip, like the winner tip. Yeah, this is the main tip. Yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah. Bro, how sick would that be if you went to this bird? He's got two n the biggest hit like the winner. Yeah, this is the main Yeah, oh how sick would that be if you went pretty good Yeah, he's got two nipples and then like a little curtain and he pulls it over. Yeah, and it's like the only failing Yeah, I saw Lady last night with the craziest hits really good or bad or risk a way they it was just you know when There's so there they were such

Starting point is 00:44:24 Outrageous tits like she was hot and they were such outrageous hits, like she was hot and they were enormous and she was wearing the top that goes here, but the top was just above the nipples. So, I mean, just covering, like you can almost see the beginning of a nipple and they were like here and then she has this little body and party just wants to go like,

Starting point is 00:44:45 hey, just why don't you just take a moment in the room and just go, hey everybody, get used to them. Like why are we gonna pretend like we're gazing past you? Right, yeah. Like I kept having to pretend I was like, what's that noise over there? I wasn't looking at a fucking noise. Looking at your crazy tips.

Starting point is 00:45:02 Your tips are insane. Yeah, is that an owl? Yeah, and then guys are like talking to me about other things. I go, we're gonna talk about her tips first. What are you doing? And they're like, oh yeah, I'm like, do you think we're gonna like gloss over this? Like her tips are out.

Starting point is 00:45:16 She has huge tips that are out in the room. Yeah, it is weird not to just bring it up. It's like when someone's in a wheelchair and they try to pretend they're not in a wheelchair. Oh my God, please. Like, and tell me some shit. How do you go to the bathroom? Yeah, you know, like I want to know,

Starting point is 00:45:30 or like almost hit my head on that door frame. It's like, no, you did. No, you didn't. Yeah. Give me a couple of lines about what it's like. I'm gonna tell you shit, like I'm gonna be like, hey, let's race. Like, let's have a little fun with this.

Starting point is 00:45:41 You know, I can give you a weird. Yeah. We had a, who came out, oh, the undertaker came out to the show last night. Oh, dude, which is pretty crazy, dude. I went to his house. No, I think he already has a beautiful home. He was just describing some of it, not like in a braggie way,

Starting point is 00:45:56 just saying that they lived here. He is, you talked to him for a while? Yeah, really nice. The nicest, like one of the nicest guys I've ever met him and his wife. And she had some bangers on her. And I shouldn't say that out loud. I mean, this is the damn undertaker we're talking to who works for death. Where was this at the this at the Paramount at the Paramount? Yeah. You had Ron there too? Yeah, it was nice, man. That's awesome. That Ron looks great great for, I mean Ron is like 48.

Starting point is 00:46:26 I think he's a little older. He looks fucking great. He looks great that had a hair too. God, you almost want to fucking scalp him. Dude, you do. You might get there, you might have that one day. We'll see man. Full head of white hair is pretty fucking cool dude.

Starting point is 00:46:42 I would love that. He is the coolest. No, it went over to, it's so crazy to say, the Undertaker's house. And, and like, he was like, come on in. It was just to check out a piece of workout equipment.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Okay. And the people that I was talking to, I was like, I'd like to, they're like, do you want this thing? I go, I'd like to try it before I go, I want this thing. Yeah. And then they go, well, we could like, I have another client thing? I go, I'd like to try it before I go, I want this thing. Yeah. And then they go, well, we could, like, I have another client

Starting point is 00:47:08 that, you know, would like you. Has one. I go, okay. And then they just, like, in a text, they're like, hey, Tom, this mark, he has it. And I was like, what's up, Mark? And then like, a separate text came in, they're like, just so you know, Mark is the undertaker. I was like, oh, okay, good to know. And then I just go over there. And he just couldn't be like more gracious. oh, okay, good to know. Yeah. And then I just go over there and he just couldn't be more gracious.

Starting point is 00:47:27 Oh, you weren't an ape or an everything. I mean, he was just like, here's a muffin. He was just like, no, but he was like, and then he was just like, yeah, try whatever you want. That gave us the full tour. And then he was like, well, it was a real pleasure meeting you. And I was like, same. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:42 And then later on, I go, thanks a lot for, you know, allowing us. And he sent like the most like, the most gracious text of like, it was a absolute pleasure to welcome you into my, I was like, oh, that's a nice, is this man? Like, this is wild. But death will sneak you like that too. That's what death would do. That's true. It would kind of taunt you. Yeah. It would kind of taught you. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:05 It seduced you. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe I should watch out. I mean, around Mark. Yeah, because if people bad on you are burnt to die, people would go bird, huh? Of course. Yeah. Of course. It looks worse every day, but I wonder what a parlay would even be like, yeah, I just feel like, God had read, you know, growing head his head, it keeps growing, which is crazy, his head is swelling. Yeah, that's a part for me.

Starting point is 00:48:37 That's a smart money, but then like that guy that owns that mattress company, he'd be like, I'm gonna put 10 million on top. Like, you know, like he'd take the... Dude, you guys, that kind of litus and stuff, so you guys should get that guy. Like, who's gonna die? He'd be like, that was a better job.

Starting point is 00:48:52 Yeah. Because the vet's gonna take for it. It'd probably be at least a semi-decent amount of time. Yeah, that's true. He's too old for that bet, I think. I don't know if he interesting. I mean, if you bet the under on Bert, I think you could see some money this, you know.

Starting point is 00:49:04 Yeah. You could see some money by 2028 But yeah, that MRI on Bert must just come back all fucking like the first part is appetizers You're like how is this this that reporters appetizers? He was doing the thing that people do who are you know, don't Live healthy and are scared which he was like avoiding Like blood work and stuff. Oh, yeah, I was like dude. You got to do it He's avoiding it avoiding and then he did and you could see like he was like Figiting his shit and you're like what is going on? He's like just waiting for the phone call about my blood work I don't know and then you're like oh fuck like this you know

Starting point is 00:49:42 And now honestly like all joking aside. You could be like you're like, I have this, like this, you know? And now honestly, all joking aside, you could be like, you're like, and this might be like a serious call you get, right? And then I just, he facetimes me and he's like, what's up, bro? And I was like, what's going? And he's like, just got the phone. Everything's fucking great. And I was like, wait, what?

Starting point is 00:49:57 And he was like, the doctor told me to go celebrate with a drink. I go, your doctor says that? Like, what kind of doctor is this? Did you meet them at a strip mall? Like, he's like, I'm good to go. And I was like, I don't know, man, I'm going to give you the number of another doctor. Yeah, he was just like celebrating good blood work. There's a bask in robins and the instance of the fall of the space time. Doctors don't go drink it up tonight.

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Starting point is 00:53:52 and this is really, it's sad that I feel like this generation doesn't, won't just can't really experience this unless they make like a concerted effort, is that there used to be just like such an excitement around a woman in a bikini. Oh yeah. Or if you just saw a breast, like just a nude woman, you were like, wow, right?

Starting point is 00:54:14 And then you realized that, if you wanted to obviously to see something hard core, you really had to make a real effort. Yeah. And now, you know, you pick up, people have, they're like pornography libraries in their pocket. And so, that excitement like,

Starting point is 00:54:32 that chase, yeah, is like, they're bar-forward, it's so elevated, which I think is kind of sad. Yeah, I'm really sad. They don't realize that, just like the idea of sex, the fantasy of it would be like enough for a long time. And then you're exposed to things where you're like,

Starting point is 00:54:50 whoa shit, and that's when it starts. Like that's when you can really make a knock on that it's bad to have access to anything and everything. I remember seeing like erotic art and being like, oh, this is actually pretty cool. There's like these really great accounts on Instagram. And you realize if you like, if you see them, you're letting your mind do the work.

Starting point is 00:55:14 Yeah, and it's actually pretty cool. I think it's actually a much healthier- Oh, yeah, I do. And I run a lot of myself with pornography. It's, yeah, I mean, like, I'm very careful when I say it because I never like to bash them. No. I feel like they're, I know people in that industry.

Starting point is 00:55:34 It's a great industry, it's a lot of great people. There's a lot of great people in there, but I do feel like there's anything, everything requires some balance. And you can go overboard on anything, on food, on drinking, and not definitely on pornography or something. And yeah, I just feel like it's much better for you

Starting point is 00:55:51 if you're young. I would be like, you know, if you're in that age where you want to like explore that, and you're, I'm gonna say young, I just mean like, you know, you're getting into your sexual exploration, like man, try erotic art and see what it does for your brain. Like let your brain tell you stories.

Starting point is 00:56:10 Yeah. Because just like having this access to, and like just your search words and just seeing it play out, it's like what'll happen is like it's actually, it's not a theory, your brain starts to time, reduce the dopamine levels that you're feeling. You get a dopamine drip from that stuff. But because all you have to do is type in what you like, then when you see it, you're like,

Starting point is 00:56:37 oh, here's a little less. And then the next search, you get a little less of it. And then pretty soon, the thing that was exciting to you, it doesn't even give you a thrill. That's why you hear people, they go, I had to raise the stakes. I had to raise the stakes to add to raises. And they just keep raising and getting crazier with it.

Starting point is 00:56:53 Get meier, get meier. Because it's too easy to access, you're not gonna feel the excitement. You're not gonna feel the rush. I mean, when we were coming up as teens and stuff, I mean, Oh, Pete Benz. Tom and was popping.

Starting point is 00:57:07 Oh, dude, you just like, you can see some of my friends. Sisters, friends would come over and just seeing them lay around by the pool or just hang out and watching a television on the couch, you'd be like, this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened. Oh, dude, dude.

Starting point is 00:57:25 I remember a girl asking me to hold her necklace while she swam one time and I fucking masturbated like three times. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I just had never even held something of a woman's world. I totally understand. I remember going to some girl's birthday party or something and she invited all the kids from the class or whatever and we would all run into her sister's room

Starting point is 00:57:46 and try to find her underpants and stuff. And I remember sitting there. I don't know how old her sister was. I might have been kinda like, we shouldn't be in here, you know? It was still just being kids. And I remember hiding in my buddy's hamper at his house, just smell his mother's broth.

Starting point is 00:58:05 And I'd hide in there for a fucking hour and just hug. So smelly. Yeah. I bet that smells. God, it just fucking. Can you still remember that smell? I remember the color of the hamper.

Starting point is 00:58:17 It was like a green color. They don't even make anymore. Yeah. It was like an old green, almost like the color of the Wonder Years car, like the car that they had. It was like an old green almost like the color of the wonder years car like the car that they had it was like an old kind of Pukish green almost That they wouldn't even market anymore And it was just god, but it was just like see those are just

Starting point is 00:58:37 Little moments. Yeah, but now it's just like you put in something next thing You know and I think nowadays by the time you're 17 you don't even care about sex you're like seeing it all you have no No, it's not good for you. It's horrible. Yeah, it's horrible. What else do we got anything in the Anything in the news that Yeah, we're looking at this the the world's dirties man died. Oh, I remember this guy. I'm a I didn't yeah This is actually is that black face or not? It's a little bit. I mean,

Starting point is 00:59:09 he had not bathed with water or soap for over 60 years. Wow. Yeah, read that caption. I guess he would smoke a pipe filled with animal, excrement, and he believed that cleanliness would make a mill. Dude, that's pretty interesting. Because maybe cleanliness is what kill is, is what make a mill. Dude, that's pretty interesting. Because maybe cleanliness is what kill is what's killing us. Too much, too much.

Starting point is 00:59:31 So like, if you think about in history of human beings, it's only in the last, I mean, not even 100 years, less than that. Think it, it's probably in the last like, I don't know, 60 or something years that human beings were like, hey, every day, maybe twice a day. Mm, right? With autism too, they're saying, yeah, like a lot of autism could be caused by metals

Starting point is 00:59:59 in different soaps and things like that. Yeah. Cause this dude doesn't look like he has autism. I'm from this photo photo I can't tell, but he, I remember seeing this dirty, I mean, I wonder too, do you think there's just a level where you just stop smelling? Like, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:00:16 Like a couple of weeks then, you're like, you smell like shit, man, right? Yeah. But then after like, I don't know, 30 years, you're just probably like, yeah, it just kind of evens out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he maybe doesn't, I bet you, he tastes real bad, 30 years, you're just probably like, yeah, it just kind of evens out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he maybe doesn't, I bet you, he tastes real bad.

Starting point is 01:00:27 But I bet you, the smell just kind of, it hit a level that you're but, it's just trying to tell you a signal, stay away from this. Yeah. When people can plant things on your back, that's probably a crazy time for somebody, you know? Wonder what I'd wanna be the world's what-is-man.

Starting point is 01:00:47 Did you ever have a Guinness book of record? Did you ever ever record you wanted to try and get? Even something small to you? I was so fascinated by that. There's an age group where you're like an age range. Oh, I was in that way. That was the biggest... When that book came out of the book fair, whatever, it was like, Oh, dude, somebody did this.

Starting point is 01:01:03 Remember the Chinese kids all hanging off the bicycle? Yeah. It was like one guy had like 40 Chinese people in his bike. There's so many weird. Now they're even like, they're so insane. I remember, and also it's funny, my seven year old has the, because they release books now of it, like each year.

Starting point is 01:01:20 He's like fascinated by it, just like, oh the world record, yeah. But I was watching their account, and this was was like, okay, this, this shows you where it's at now. It was a guy attempting to break the world record for the most pine needles broken at one time. And so he was hanging from like by his, by one hand and he's jumping into a box of pine needles. And you're like, you guys are crediting this? I said, but that's when you're,

Starting point is 01:01:49 that's when you're like, I just need to be in the book. I just wanna be, you know? But, and that makes you realize that we could definitely just come up with one where there'll be like, yeah, there's no record for that yet. Yeah, I mean, dude, you and Burt should get a Guinness record. We should get a record.

Starting point is 01:02:04 You're right. That is true, it's gotta be a tandem thing. It would be interesting. I feel like I could see you guys getting something very unique. It's gotta be, but like that pine needles thing is so dumb and unimportant and not hard. Like that's not hard to do.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Like, you know what I mean? It's not like if you heard you'd be like, damn, I could never do that. Like you can do that. I want you guys to meet Larry or you know and I mean? It's not like if you heard you'd be like, damn, I could never do that. Like you can do that. Yeah, yeah. I want you guys to meet Larry or you know, and we did all the pine needles. I used to have like when I was younger,

Starting point is 01:02:32 like crazy flexibility with my index finger. That's pretty good. And I used to be able to like lay it flat against my hand. Oh wow. You know, and I remember having the illusion in my mind that that in some way, I'm gonna do something with this. This will get me in the book in some way.

Starting point is 01:02:46 Like I could go like lay flat. It's really good. I'll be that little trebuchet or I'll do something. Yeah, yeah, I'll work for a castle or something. But I was actually, I think as little as like young boys, we were just fascinated by like, there's remember like Robert Wad, like the tallest guy I ever was like.

Starting point is 01:03:04 Yes, I remember seeing pictures of him. He's like eight eleven like Robert Wad, like the tallest guy I ever was like, I was like, I'm just seeing pictures of him. He's like 8-11. And then there was like the fastest guy, he's like, I don't know, like 800 pounds. Like anything that was like, this is a huge person. I was like, that's, yeah, that was him right there. Yeah. Oh, he's from Illinois, I think, wouldn't he?

Starting point is 01:03:21 What was he? Just guessing, but he seems like they, they grossed him all out there. He's very sure, dude. I would hate that, man. That's the worst. Whitney? Was he? Just guessing, but he seems like they grew some long, it's stuff out there. Are you sure, dude? I would hate that, man. That's the worst. You would never want to be.

Starting point is 01:03:30 Everybody wants to be taller. You don't want to be that tall. Yeah, he was from Illinois. Alton. And was it eight? Eight something? Was he like eight? Look at him with his family down there on the left.

Starting point is 01:03:42 Yeah, he was eight foot 11. Yeah, eight 11. Do you think about that for a second that this dude is nearly two feet taller than Shaq? Wow. Two feet taller than him. That's so strange. It would have been, yeah, to be that.

Starting point is 01:04:04 Yeah, it seems like, I mean, they're at, they are at perfect blowjob height, but it's still like, that's not what you want. Now that would be interesting, right? To stand there and have someone in there standing as well. I think it would feel very in for, like, or just natural, more natural than somebody having to get down on their knees or you having to lay down. Like, oh, here just natural, more natural than somebody having to get down on their knees or you having to lay down. Like, oh, here I am, here you are.

Starting point is 01:04:28 A girl told me that she dated a very well-known NBA player who was really tall. And she was like, yeah, I could just blow him standing up. I was like, wow. That's got to be interesting. I was like, everybody's proud of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What, really cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a great memory.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Yeah. Think about what he's done and what you've done. It's pretty incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a couple rings and you remember standing up to blow him. Oh, say, yeah, there's definitely something about it. It would almost be like using a water fountain

Starting point is 01:05:02 that you didn't have to bend over to use. Yeah, exactly. How nice would that be like using a water fountain that you didn't have to bend over to use. Yeah, exactly. How nice would that be? You just go, and it just shoots right down your mouth. It'd be a lot. Garth Brooks. What happened?

Starting point is 01:05:16 Oh yeah, I saw this, Garth Brooks is, he's gonna have Bud Light at his bar, tell me. Yeah, he's not gonna, he's refusing to ban it with, that's hilarious. Yeah, wow. His explanation is right down to ban it with it with it was hilarious. Yeah I know sounds corny. I wanted to be the chick filet of honky talks about his new bar In Nashville. I wanted to be a place you feel safe and I wanted to be a place where you feel like there are manners and

Starting point is 01:05:39 people like one another And he added something there Yes, we're going oh sorry go, go down. If you go down, he says, and yes, we're going to serve every brand of beer. We just are. It's not our decision to make. Well, yeah, it is your decision to make. Yeah. Our thing is this, if you are into this house, love one another. If you're an asshole, there are plenty of other places on lower Broadway. Ooh, wow. Shot's fired, kind of. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:08 And there it is, Dylan Mulvaney, they're gonna get in there. Do you wanna hear something? That I just heard. Yeah. So, I've talked about him quite a bit about Garth Brooks. I know you guys have had some issues. And I found out, this is dude, I found out, first I got word about a year ago from like a 100% reliable source.

Starting point is 01:06:29 Sounds, seems good. That I was like, does he know? And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, he knows. I was like, is he upset? And they're like, he's just like, doesn't get it. Like, doesn't know why you're talking about him. I was like, okay. And then recently, I guess,

Starting point is 01:06:46 he just blocked me on Instagram. And I was like, oh, it's finally, finally blocked me. You know? And then another person told me to go, yeah, I heard this person said to me that they heard from a reliable source that when my name comes up to him, that he on his phone shows the video of me playing basketball and falling. And it goes karma. Yeah, karma. Yeah. And I was like, that's fucking pretty amazing.

Starting point is 01:07:20 Wow. That a serial killer is finding it in their heart to say karma for the other person. Like this man has, I mean, people are saying this man is responsible for hundreds of missing people and he's gonna say that it's karma. Well, yes, somebody mashed up, I saw something where they mashed up like his tour date with missing people.

Starting point is 01:07:42 That's the premise of this. Like, people are like saying that I'm, you know, like trolling the guy. All I'm doing is repeating what I've heard that allegedly his tour schedule aligns with like dozens of missing persons. Yeah. And so, oh well, that's, I mean,

Starting point is 01:08:00 it's just something that like, at least you would bring up and talk, it's like, why do people talk about UFOs? You know, why have the conversation about something and that like, well, because people are saying that that could be a visitor from another planet. Like, are we not gonna have even a conversation about it? Right.

Starting point is 01:08:18 If 75 people are missing and they're all in cities that like he had just been, I mean it's logical to say, well, okay. And look at him there, you tell him me, I'm not saying he's done anything. But that's the smile and the stare of a guy who hasn't never done anything illegal, I don't know. And how much land he has too. So much land.

Starting point is 01:08:47 You wouldn't even know if somebody was missing or if you put somebody somewhere or not. So much land. He's the Easter Bunny of bodies kind of. Oh yeah. And he's a thing, it's the perfect, you're so beloved. That like, you know, you know, we mentioned the authorities too, they'd be like,

Starting point is 01:09:02 I'm sorry, we were, this is crazy. But we actually had a dog that can smell, you know, corpse and it was on your property and it just went crazy. And then he'd be like, I don't, I'm Garth Brooks. You're like, yeah, you're right. You're right, sorry. We're gonna head on out.

Starting point is 01:09:22 Yeah, we're gonna think of a sign this for my son. Yeah, exactly. My dog actually're gonna head on out. You're all right, we're thinking, we signed this for my son. Yeah, exactly. My dog actually had a seizure on your property. Yeah. Never had a smell like that in its life, but my son actually went missing on your property. In case he comes back, we signed this for his guitar. Yeah, so much.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Appreciate you, G. That's it, man. I, um, yeah, do you think, uh, has there been something, has there been like a really interesting guest that came out on O'Brien, it came out to one of your shows, which had it been really insane. That was really insane.

Starting point is 01:09:54 That was really insane. Is it almost, is it almost a, is it a bummer meeting people that like, cause once you meet them, you kind of have met them, is there something about that? I think that probably can happen, but then there's people where you're like, that was awesome. And they're either as cool or cooler than your brain imagines. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:18 He was like that. He was rad. He was like, he was really cool. And there was so much excitement when, when, because they go, he's coming. And then like security came to like check out the place. Yeah, yeah. Just like, not a big team, but just like, you know, it's up, I mean, honestly, somebody in his position should have that. That's a good point. Because that basically I asked, I was like, so what do you do? Like, he's like, well, if I see that like a place is a problem, I'll just be like,

Starting point is 01:10:43 I don't think you should come here. Yeah. You know, like a club or like a restaurant or like this is not good area. And he's like, you know, he's just like seeing where things are. And he's like, so I'm like his advanced guy. It was like, it was pretty low key, honestly. But then they were like, you know, Brad just parked everybody with everybody's like that.

Starting point is 01:11:01 And then he came in, he couldn't have been, he just couldn't have been nicer and like, you know, talked to introduce. The funniest was one of very famous persons, was like, hey, I'm Brad. And there was like, yeah, I know. You know, like, but he was just super nice. And I thought a lot of times I've had other notable people

Starting point is 01:11:18 and what they do is they leave during something, you know, like famous people go go like they just kind of disappear He stayed the whole show came back after the show He was enjoying it. He enjoyed it. And then that was it was a lot of fun. Then I ran into why ended up befriending Jason Momoa Aquaman. Oh, yeah in New Zealand Wow, and that was really fun and hung out with him for another day. You don't swim or anything?

Starting point is 01:11:48 No, we went to a bar and we hung out with like, I don't know, a group for like 10 hours. Dang. But he couldn't have been like, he's a real down to earth guy. Yeah, we met at the hotel gym. No, that's cool. He was like, I'll crouch down.

Starting point is 01:12:05 You make you look taller. I was like, cool man. Oh, you look pretty happy right there. It was fun. We had a fun time. Yeah, you know, and then Izzy came out in Auckland too. Yeah, I feel like he comes out. He's a really special guy.

Starting point is 01:12:17 He's a cool man. There's something really interesting about him. There's something really amazing about New Zealanders in general. There is, there interesting about him. There's something really amazing about New Zealanders in general. There is, there is. Yeah, and I think he has a really... Fiders are fascinating to sign up for that lifestyle. You know what I mean? Like, to be like, I'm going to do battle for a living.

Starting point is 01:12:38 That was too to work. That was like in 2019. But yeah, he came again in this most recent tour. I just enjoy the guys' energy, you know, just being around them. 100% just being around them. And it's very inspirational, whether he wins or loses, he's very inspirational.

Starting point is 01:12:56 A lot of these fighters are like that. There's something about a lot of them, whether they win or lose, because you just value so much that they even could do it. Because they're actually really putting, if you know what it is, like inherently human beings, we respect stakes.

Starting point is 01:13:10 And if you're a fighter, the stakes are very clear. Like you're putting your physical body on the line to win or lose. And so everybody, we just respect the fact that like, you're gonna like punch and kick and like you know to your fucking face And like this this could have like real lasting of like so we just respect it so much But I like that dudes Energy and and and I do find it inspiring to be around them. I like him a lot. Yeah, there's something real special about him. Yeah

Starting point is 01:13:42 I'm trying to think about anything else I wanted to ask you Zach anything come ahead We're watching this video this like short guy Stand up to these dudes in a parking garage. What do you think? This is a tough guy right here? Oh, somebody's black, man. Careful. Be careful. Be careful. Oh. Oh. Come here, be right here.

Starting point is 01:14:10 Come here, be right here. Come here, be right here. OK. Get him on the phone. Oh, God. Get him out of here. Oh, bro. Get him on the phone.

Starting point is 01:14:17 Go. Put me on his dumb ass sheet. Security trying to save you. Ben trying to save you. You leave. God bless you, man. Get in your car and get him out of here. God bless you, man. God bless you, man. God bless you. God bless you, man, get in your car and get a body here, man. God bless you, man.

Starting point is 01:14:29 God bless you, man, just go ahead and get in the car and make a home safe, man. God, how good he feels right now? That's so good. Fucking Lee sciat is like, I fucking took this shit cold. Make a home safe, buddy. Yeah, I do, Lee sciat. I'm not loving that. I'm talking Joey DeSky'm not lovely. I love that.

Starting point is 01:14:45 I love Joey Diaz, get that guy. Oh my God. How was there not a call to a welfare line? Can I tell you something too? I love Joey Diaz, but he was actually a virus to that man. Do you know what has happened to Lisa? Since part, he lost 150 pounds. Not an exaggeration.

Starting point is 01:15:02 150 pounds. He's like, oh, I'm free of Joey. He just totally has like blossomed. Look at him. Oh my God, dude, he looks, oh yeah, he looks good. He looks exactly like the guy we just saw in the last video. Oh, dude.

Starting point is 01:15:16 Holy shit, look at him. Congrats to Lee. Yeah, Joey, you're not doing well enough. Lee, you need another couple two thousand milligrams dude These are where they were in floaties. I'd never seen something so high They had floaties on and here's the thing Lee couldn't say anything so he would be like I'd be like Lee and he go I was like are you all right? He's like And he could let he forget to like click. He was just sit there snoring sitting down like

Starting point is 01:15:43 like, he was just sitting there snoring, sitting down, like, snoring in his seat. And then Joey's like, look at this fucking idiot. He's like, he's like, you know what he does all day? He watches sports center. I hear his phone go, da da da da da da. Get your fucking shit together, Lee. I'm like, you are crippling this man.

Starting point is 01:15:57 Sports center is all he can handle. He's working an enterprise rental now, there's he's fucking doing good. Wow, yeah. There should be a documentary one day made on Joian Lee and like a coming back together. That would be a minute or so. A park by Lake.

Starting point is 01:16:15 Is this them recently? That might be an old picture. That's what it was. Nothing like those two. They were like, who was a better name, a better comedy do you know? You know what this is like though? This is like, this is like the guy on the lap, Lee gets locked up in prison with the veteran,

Starting point is 01:16:32 you know, the guy's been locked up. That's what the relationship was like. He's like, he's like, he's what you're gonna do. All right, you stay away from the blacks, you mind your business, you shower when I shower. And like, and then you eat this shit. Yeah, just like in another dimension. Yeah, brother, he's 84 ounces of Alfredo.

Starting point is 01:16:49 So he would melt his brain. Unreal. He would melt his brain. Dude, what was the time? One of my favorite times ever. When I got there, there was, look at that fucking pillow, somebody made it. Have you done, have you seen the one,

Starting point is 01:17:01 have you seen the one on, where Lee is a, like he falls asleep alone on the show? Yeah, I think he's like, he's working it and then he's like, and he comes to, he's like, oh fuck, like he just, it's, I watched it. He's so fucking high that he falls asleep and wakes himself up and he's like, I don't even know what's happening. I don't know if he's like, he's streaming or something like on Twitch.

Starting point is 01:17:26 I don't know what it is, but it's on YouTube and it's so amazing. It's like Lee. Dude, the best one time I went in and there was a squeal in the headphones when I went in, I was like, there's some feedback or something. By the end, two and a half hours later,

Starting point is 01:17:40 the Lee was like this. He was the squeal. Yeah. And we had gone full fucking circle. Yeah. Yeah. Kick that mule. Look, look, look, listen, listen to the audio. He's fucking out of his mind, dude. That's a good place. And that's just, that is just, if Joey is really close to you, this happens to you. Oh, yeah. When he drugged me, he fucking tricked me and he's not in a couple of times, but the worst

Starting point is 01:18:23 one was when I was in Miami. And he told me I was taking a 10. And it just fucking, it ruined two days in my life, right? Like two days in my life. And I mean, I was like just, I mean, I was crying and shit. Oh yeah. I was on a flight with him. Oh.

Starting point is 01:18:46 And he's like, oh, you need a baby Xanax right now. Yeah. He was giving you out. I'm like, I don't think this is the fucking form of a tubal son. Yeah, get a tubal. And I go, dude, and when I finally recovered, I called him, I was like, what the fuck, dude, he goes, you needed it. I go, I needed what?

Starting point is 01:19:03 You needed a reset. And I go, why did I need one? He's like, it's good for you. I saw what was happening. Like this kind of thing. He always said, what was happening? He's like, now you know, you were getting, you know, you're a little, it's good now.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Now you're ready to go. I'm like, ready to go. Where am I going? Yeah, I'm gonna gray out. Yeah, man, I was fine. He's like, no, no, no, no, I did you a favor. It was fun. I go, for who? He is dude, was like, no, no, no, no, I did you a favor. It was fun. I go for who?

Starting point is 01:19:27 He is dude. He's the best salesman, bro. Yeah, he just says like these little, and he says it with his like little phrase. Doing great. Yeah, and you're like, that's, yeah, I love you, buddy. Yeah, and you're like good. Now you could get back to chopping up vinegar

Starting point is 01:19:38 and carrots. And you're like, the fuck are you talking about, man? What about that Owen Benjamin? Oh, he's fucking lost his mind, huh? She'll say shit like that. and then fucking just disappear dude on race Fucking real dude Look if that doesn't if that doesn't do it. I don't know what does Tom Segura. Thanks for hanging out with this man. Yeah. It was a lot of fun man. Yeah same here

Starting point is 01:19:59 Dude, I'd love to come back on on a two-bearish sometime. That was let's do it. Let's do it Let's do it. All right. Thank you so much, man All right, buddy. Thank you. I'll share this piece of my life out, I can't feed it In my bones, I know it's gonna take

This Past Weekend - E450 Tom Segura

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