This Past Weekend - E484 Trevor Wallace

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Starting point is 00:01:47 A wonderful content creator, a comedian, has a new comedy special out on Amazon Prime called Teradactyl that I really enjoyed. I suggest you check it out. I'm grateful to spend time with him today. Today's guest is my friend Mr. Trevor Wallace. I'm the strongest. I've been standing. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest.

Starting point is 00:02:29 I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest.

Starting point is 00:02:37 I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm the strongest. I'm probably in potential, I don't want to say,

Starting point is 00:02:45 who is hot? But we should not. I would start more beef if I was them. Yeah. The shit in LA is so funny, it's like, if you're here for 15 minutes, it's $17. How are you getting that back? Where's that math from, bro?

Starting point is 00:02:59 We doing Bitcoin numbers out here? Dude, a lot of the behavior from parking attendance, you can tell that they, some of them have never driven a vehicle. Yeah, they don't have a car there. Yeah. They never have a car there. They get dropped off, the prices are arbitrated.

Starting point is 00:03:15 It almost depends on how angry their wife was at them that morning as to how much you're gonna have to pay. Yeah. That's how I feel a lot of times, dude. And that guy, cause you and I, you and I had the same location for our podcast. Yeah, we did, yeah. And that got the parking attendant,

Starting point is 00:03:32 we would find him, he started wearing no shoes in the bathroom. Really? It must be more freeing. I mean, he was there so much, I probably felt like home for him, you know? Yeah. Somebody taking the shit and kicking your shoes off, you know, it's kind of like, it's like a white flag. It like home for him, you know. Yeah. Somebody taking a shit and kicking your shoes off, you know, it's kind of like,

Starting point is 00:03:46 it's like a white flag. It's like a tree's tree. You know, but yeah, I'm done. You have the part of my wife wins, you know, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That dude would shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:55 You're about to be there for 25 minutes at least. Oh, you're working a shit if we're talking about it. Yeah, it's gotta be weird just working there knowing like your job is gonna be like done. And also, your office is three feet by four feet. Your office is a standing up coffin. When you die, they just tilt over the toll booth and just put it on the side and they're like, hey, it's buried right there. Dude, your office, that's a crazy thing. Your office, you can't even turn around in your office. You have to walk outside of your office, that's a crazy thing. Your office, you can't even turn around in your office.

Starting point is 00:04:25 You have to walk outside ways out of your office. It's kinda nice though. He's got like a porch, which is just the parking lot. Yeah. Well, he also had, with the craziest thing that guy had, was he had an air conditioning unit. Did he really? On the side of the...

Starting point is 00:04:39 That's bigger than the whole unit. It was a porta potty with like an air conditioning unit on the side of it. Yeah, it was. And he would blast that bitch, man. He would be in therenist unit on the side. Yeah, it was and he would blast that bitch Man, he would be in there just getting frosted. Yeah, that's that's fun, man. Yeah, that's quite a job, man Yeah, there's been a lot of I guess because that's where king in the sting was that's where we did that What other podcasts were in there? I wonder was there other ones?

Starting point is 00:05:01 H3 H3 used to be in H3 was in the same building. Yeah. Wow H3. H3 used to be in there? H3 was in the same building. Yeah. Wow. Fucking legendary. So that place has a little bit of history to it. There's some other shit going on over there too.

Starting point is 00:05:10 I always see couples who are fighting coming down the halls. So maybe there's like a couple of therapy in there. There is a, it's like that Jerry Springer outpost or whatever like where you get tested or whatever that thing is. Wait, they have a Jerry Springer outpost in there? Dude, look at young me. Wow, there's Callahan, dude, look at that. You and Callahan.

Starting point is 00:05:28 Three years ago. I remember being so excited when I was on that episode, I watched it like the premiere, it's in our garage. Really? Yeah, with the girls dating at the time, they're like, fucking, one king's dick. Dude, that's so cool. That was fun, man.

Starting point is 00:05:40 Yeah, it was awesome. There's been some good podcast studios, like, and a lot of them, I guess, move over time. I'm trying to good podcast studios like and a lot of them I guess move over time I'm trying to think because h3 moved out of there Rogan's moved At least twice I think he remodeled his new one in Austin Mm-hmm, but he had the one that was out like in Woodland Hills for years What I was like about whenever you move yours it always looks the same

Starting point is 00:06:01 So you never know if you're like in LA or Nashville where are we right now? Who knows? But whenever you move yours it always looks the same so you never know if you're like in LA or Nashville where we right now who knows? Welcome to Tennessee people you're wearing national right now where the tax savings Yeah, brother hell. Yeah, if the IRS and watch it we are in Nashville Tennessee all year or at least half of it You to show us that at Wilton how's that yeah, so the Wil cool, man. Bro, a lot of the fucking Raza showed up, bro. Oh yeah? Oh yeah, dude. Yeah, Sunday's a good day for the Raza, though. The fucking Raza, cause they're all off work, dog.

Starting point is 00:06:30 Oh, it's the holiday today. Oh yes. Presidents day? President, yeah. Is it? President's day. What is Biden doing today? Playing Angry Bird somewhere?

Starting point is 00:06:40 Imagine what he's doing. I bet he's just kinda like this. I feel like President's Day should be like a bachelor party for him. Like, I bet he's just kind of like this. I feel like presidents, they should be like a bachelor party for him. Like I think he should like, I know. I think people look over the fact that Bill Clinton got ahead and that's like so cool. Yeah, when you think about the fact that he did that.

Starting point is 00:06:56 Good. Yeah. Oh, somebody should, yeah, they should ripen up the president's nuts every now and then I feel like it should be, that should be in the fucking contract It's crazy. I work so hard to be president You can't even get somebody to suck you off because you can get something to suck you off if you aren't president

Starting point is 00:07:14 Yeah, I've done it. I'm not president to go to Amsterdam. It's like $200 you get a quick nut off And I ran for senior class president in high school and I didn't win, but I still got sucked off Yeah, and Amsterdam. Yeah. Yeah, bro. I've been there too. I got a escort in Amsterdam Do you go to Relate District or you have someone come to you? I went to Relate District. You had somebody come to you? No, no, no, I was saying like a doorcatcher Yeah, my own Relate District. I put my iPhone light up there Yeah, no, I went there. Yeah, it was interesting, man.

Starting point is 00:07:46 Bro, yeah, what was that like? Like, what was it like for you? And I'll tell you what it was like for me. It was, it was, um... Were you by yourself? No, I was with four dudes. More sauce. More sauce.

Starting point is 00:07:56 Dude, the red light just like, it's just all dudes. And then like families, which is weird. Like, what do you tell your kids? There's mama back in the 90s, you know? Well, it's all due to everybody, I think is trying to pretend like they're not there. Which is interesting. They're acting like they're there for like the art of it.

Starting point is 00:08:15 And like when their wife goes, I'm gonna go get a trill, like you're not gonna go pop one off real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a lot of just groups of dudes, and be funny, because you could tell who did it already and who didn't. Because some would look curious and some guys would have like little the guys who just did it Be like a little sweaty. Yeah, they'd be coming out like, oh

Starting point is 00:08:32 Yeah, we were at a bar just watching this one red door and the guys would come out like laughing Or like ashamed it was scary when I went in it was because there's not like there's a red light and there's like no other lights really Yeah, well, there's a blue light. You know that is uh, is that for a game in it is For I believe if you have tits and penis. Oh for trans. Yeah, it's like a trans like district Yeah, blue blue light district the lights tell the story. Well most of the time Yeah, so that's like. Yeah, what does it say? Can you give me some info on it?

Starting point is 00:09:10 Let me see. Blue lights signify the prostitute is transgender. Red lights are for female. A mix of blue and red lights advertise the trans woman take on all commerce. Wow. That is just a... So you got options.

Starting point is 00:09:26 Yeah, male or female. Does it say anything else about it? That's interesting. I didn't know that, dude. But so anyways, it was interesting because, you know, first you shocked at how crowded it is. It's just right on the main street. Walking down the street. Yeah, there's no barrier to entry. It was like Venice Beach. Like it was just like, oh, get a kebab. Here's tits. There's like a Starbucks and then a star Cucks fucks star fucks. Yeah, how did I miss that? I don't know

Starting point is 00:09:50 I feel like that was your that's right up my alley Dude, yeah, there was like a star bucks and then a star fucks. Yes, yeah, except I wasn't a star fucking I was nervous dude. I didn't know like do I dirty talk? Oh, I didn't know I remember getting two coffees before and I was like that isn't gonna fucking I was at that age We thought coffee like helped your wiener, you know, and I know it doesn't do anything It makes you very scared of being in a room with somebody. Yeah, that you just met for sex Yeah, dude it in it so it's like the red door is illustrious you walk in then they take upstairs to like a cot Yeah, and I haven't sex on a cot is not great unless you're like in the army then it's kind of fun

Starting point is 00:10:29 But yeah, it's very military style in there I felt like and the girl this is what in there too, and this is what got me was the girl was mean Really? Yeah, she's like you want it, you know put condom put condom Oh, that's kind of hot and I was like and I was so scared dude I remember putting my putting the condom around my hole like even put in my back into the can that's probably smart for safety just like Just bagging your groceries. I was a bagger for like 18 months even but I just remember Rabbit, yeah about to the cart and then I was so scared

Starting point is 00:11:04 We kind of started it. It was just intense. And then there's like a guy kind of waiting downstairs. I remember we walked past like a pretty strong guy. Well, she told me, she's like, you have 20 minutes. And I was like, I only need 19. But the thought of it, now that I got a timer in my head, I'm like nervous.

Starting point is 00:11:19 And it's so hard to get hard on demand. Oh, it's unbelievable. If I was in the seventh grade, that would have been way easier, more illegal, but she could have been like sneeze. And I'd be like, yeah,. Oh, it's unbelievable. If I was in the seventh grade, that would have been way easier, more illegal, but she could have been like sneeze. And I'd be like, yeah, but yeah, it was, it was that. And then she's like, oh, like, are you visiting? And I like start to like try to get out myself.

Starting point is 00:11:33 And she's like, oh no, I'll do it for you. I was like, damn, this is like a whole experience, whole catering here. Yeah, there was a lot of, I remember they put, after the, I remember after the condom was on, they would start a blow job. Yeah, which can't taste good. Oh, I felt, I was like, oh, this isn't,

Starting point is 00:11:51 you know, I remember saying like, oh, this is not what my penis tastes like. You know, I didn't want her thinking that like, my penis tasted like that. Like the Michelin Man or something. Yeah, it is weird. And I remember I said something out loud. It's basically like somebody that blows up balloons. Yeah, it is weird. And I remember I said something out loud. It's basically like somebody that blows up balloons.

Starting point is 00:12:06 Yeah, reverse fucking clown with a balloon. But I remember like dirty talking, but I was too shy to say it loud. So one of my breath was like, oh, it's fucking hot. I think she said what? And I was like, oh, it's nothing. Oh, I remember, I said, I think, I even think I remember seeing like, let me see your pie or something.

Starting point is 00:12:30 Did she show it? I mean, I'm sure she did. I don't know, it's so dark in there. You don't know what's going on there. Yeah, it was crazy. It's almost just like, please let me, so I can get back out of here. Dude, I just, I mean, mainly for this story,

Starting point is 00:12:43 but the whole time the post-net regret was crazy. Cause right after I walked out, another dude walked in and I was like, oh no, she doesn't care about me. Oh, definitely. Oh, that's part of it too. You're like, oh, there's nothing, there's nothing emotional about it at all. It's like laid down, put on a condom.

Starting point is 00:13:02 Yeah, and they put like a paper towel over my dick. So kind of like a placemat, which is kind of respectful if you think about it. They put like a condom. Yeah, and they put like a paper towel over my dick. So kind of like a placemat, which is kind of respectful if you think about it. They put like a towel over it. Just so it's not like touching like skin on skin, which is kind of cool. Like, you know, have a little bib. You had to have like a plan like that.

Starting point is 00:13:16 I remember I walked past the same door the next day and I saw her in my first style. I was like, I wonder if she remembers me. Wow. And she didn't. No way. I walked right past her. I didn't like wave or anything,

Starting point is 00:13:26 but I walked extra slow. Cause in my head, like how cool would that be? She's like. There goes my. Yeah, right? She's with another man. What if she remembers anybody from those years, you know? Cause I think to them it's probably,

Starting point is 00:13:38 I would love to be able to talk to one of those. That'd be a really good interview. That'd be sick. That'd be a really good interview. Just to learn what it's like and like what is the turnover like. And then you have sex with them and now it's plug talk. You know about that show?

Starting point is 00:13:48 Plug talk? Yeah. Yeah. That's Adam 22. Yeah, I think about that format all the time. That's a great- You just interview, you just interview porn style. Yeah, so tell me what it was like growing up in Michigan

Starting point is 00:14:01 and then four minutes later just- Like if I hosted that show, I would interview for, I don't know, 19 seconds and they'd be like, cool, let's fuck. Yeah, dude. To do an hour, then to do ad reads, tour dates, let me fuck. That's crazy.

Starting point is 00:14:19 Oh dude, to stop in the middle of fucking to talk about a VPN browser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, that show is insane. Like imagine if you and I ducked. to stop in the middle of fucking to talk about a VP. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bro, that show is insane. Like imagine if you and I talk. Zock-Dock. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:31 It is actually insane. It's insane. Ship station. Yeah, exactly. It's... Imagine if you and I in three minutes had to start fucking, bro. That would be crazy.

Starting point is 00:14:41 I think we're at that point now. Cut the lights. I mean, it's crazy that that's what we have to compete with in podcasting. Like not only do shows like mine have to compete with like amazing shows like yours and like Tim Dillon, but I also have to compete with shows where they fuck and there's hot chicks on it. Oh, I know. It's just crazy. Me like that's the that's competition right now.

Starting point is 00:15:03 It's just where it is. It's where, you know, everything has like an old only fans element. I think even at like in the future. I think Etsy you can buy nudes. Yeah, I'm not shocked, man. You can, I think even on in the future, I wonder if it'd be like you're at the grocery store

Starting point is 00:15:18 and you're like making a salad and you can like. There's an option. Yeah, for an extra, you know, $3. You can see somebody's, you know, $3 you can see somebody's, but you wanna just for 30 seconds. I would do it. You know? Yeah, cause sometimes it's just like an add-on,

Starting point is 00:15:30 you know, like at the end when I'm checking out, it's like, oh, would you like to donate an extra dollar for this local charity? I'm like, no, but if it was a stripper named charity. Yeah. Now we're talking. Yeah. Somebody's seeing an add-on tip,

Starting point is 00:15:41 like that could be a fun, like think about that parking guy at that old spot, like if he's like, oh, 17 in a park, what the fuck, 18, but you're gonna see a tit. Yeah, like, all right, I'll pull up. Yeah, I'll park here for a little, for a nine or two. Slide. Yeah, I'll pull up, I'll pull up.

Starting point is 00:15:54 I'll stop by. Dude, you know, they just found a bunch, they just found a bunch of gay fish somewhere. Where was that at? Fish sticks. Huh, uh, just, I think it was just gay fish they had. Where was this? Pull that up was this pull it up rainbow trout? Imagine being a child someone calls you a rainbow trout. Oh fuck that I did on bro

Starting point is 00:16:14 Wait, Baru. Yeah, if there's a place a taxonomy of game. Oh, bro. If you call me a rainbow child It's on site splash. I'm a fish. It's on splash. A taxonomy of the animals. Wow. Taxonomy. Is that where they stuff you when you're dead? They had tax taxidermy taxidermy. A lot of black people are getting stuff now when they die. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:39 Break up a couple of stuffed. These searches are crazy. It's not you. It's the fucking producers back there. I think every podcast producers laptop should be taken to the CIA to be studied. It'll be like, is Jizz edible? Where is Epstein located 2024?

Starting point is 00:16:58 Not clickbait. Miley Cyrus leaked nudes. Joe Biden hog size question mark. Dude, what did you find? There's some stuff in a lot of brothers now at funerals. No, like at... There was a guy, and he was a black dude. He, they like took his body to like a nightclub.

Starting point is 00:17:22 Yes. After he passed. That's what I'm talking about. And he was like standing up in the club. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I have seen that. A lot of it. Honestly, like, it's kind of cool. But like imagine you like, like spill a drink on him.

Starting point is 00:17:33 And you're like, oh, wait, bro, black guy nightclub dead body. That's going to bring up. Yeah. You can't. 136,000 in 3.7 seconds. We type in like dead body goes to a nightclub. Yeah, that's bad.

Starting point is 00:17:47 They had him like propped up and like playing his music. Yeah, that was it. Do you know what you'd want to wear in a casket or are you gonna go cremation? Well, I want to get vaped. Do you? You want to go what? Like put me in like a jewel and then like vating out.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Like if you can get cremated, can I get fucking vated? Yeah, I think va they'd be hilarious. I wouldn't mind being almost like Blackened or whatever, or like Pecan Crusted. Oh, Pecan Crusted. So people roll up and like, wow, that's pretty cool. Oh, yeah, I will say. Potatoes around you?

Starting point is 00:18:16 Yeah, like a Blackened salmon's really good. Oh, so good. I think if you did something dead rappers body. Yeah, I think this is it. Proped up in club for disrespectful public viewing. I don't know if it's disrespectful. I don't think so either. A lot of, yeah, there is.

Starting point is 00:18:30 We's got a Mirion. Yeah, definitely. So we obviously, he's a big fan of the show power. Dude, he's just in the club dead. Where else do you want to be though? I guess. Imagine if the DJ didn't know he's dead. He's dead. Where else do you want to be though? I guess. Imagine if the DJ didn't know he's dead.

Starting point is 00:18:46 He's like, yo, put your hands up. He's just like, oh, nothing. All right, man, fuck you too then. He just can't do it. It costs extra to get his hands here. He's got to put behind. But that's the kind of thing I think you're going to start seeing more of. You're going to start to see people want to be seen.

Starting point is 00:19:03 They want attention. There's not as much respect for being dead as there used to be. No. I mean, most people have the amount of cremations gone up. I'm really curious about that. The annual number of cremations in the United States is expected to rise from 1.91 million in 2022. And why do you think that is? 2.26 million by 2030 and a 2.9 for me. Look at that Google search.

Starting point is 00:19:25 What is the cremation trend in 2023? What is this? A fucking TikTok. And I guess people have less faith and stuff now that are not involved with the church. Because wasn't that a lot? Do you think that's one of the reasons like why people get cremated? Cremation rate in the United States from 1960 to 2035. How much does it cost to get cremated?

Starting point is 00:19:44 Oh, look at this. Those are good numbers. Well, it's unbelievable. 1960 was 3.56% cremation rate. That also looks like every chart ever in the world ever invented. It's actually a really good point. They could have just put anything on that.

Starting point is 00:20:00 2035 says 77.8%. How much does it cost to get cremated and is there like a group rate I Think there's like a church like it's like a thousand Direct cremation cost comparison in the top 10 cities in us. So if you want to get cremated in LA You're looking at sixteen hundred fifty five dollars or low cost Wait, there is a low cost. Wait, why is there a low cost? How, what do they do with a big rider? What the fuck's the difference, dude?

Starting point is 00:20:30 Yeah. Low cost. It's like the Uber pool you're in there with a bunch of other dudes. Yeah, it's just a, it's a little bit of a mix. Yeah, exactly. I do think it is. You get the bag back and it has like braces in it

Starting point is 00:20:42 or something, like God. Is this a sketch or? I would, I kind of want both. Like maybe half, this is what I'm doing. I'm gonna do half my body cremation. Half is gonna be casket. So it looks like I'm still in the casket. Cause I still want to be like spread somewhere.

Starting point is 00:20:56 Top is casket body. And what was the cost of the half cost, Nick? Maybe like a centaur or something. The price of what? The half cost, Nick? Maybe like a centaur or something. The price of what? The half cost, the cheaper one? 955. 955 for that cheaper option. I still wanna be spread somewhere,

Starting point is 00:21:11 but like I also wanna be buried. Yeah, I think you get both options. Oh, this would be sick, dude. So your top half is coffin, open coffin. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. Right? And you could just fucking do like that or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Do you throw up the blood sign? Or even just put one of these down here so your buddies fucking see it. Bro, that would be so, and then have like a note on the casket that's like open for a surprise. And you go, oh, what is that? Maybe it's a fainted dude.

Starting point is 00:21:33 And a belt buckle. Just like this. One of those right there. Could you imagine? It would be so, yeah, you have to. Bro, that would be the fucking best. And then the bottom half of you totally cremated, bro. And if you can offer the ladies

Starting point is 00:21:44 if they want to take some home, they can take a little bit home. Like a little key bump or something? Yeah, take a fucking key bump or a break. And it's extra for the crotch area. Exactly, exactly. Or I would do like, I would put like the paraplegic legs on me.

Starting point is 00:21:56 So when I go to heaven, people think that like, oh, he fought in a war. I'm like, oh no, I just wanted to be spread in Santa. You're like a warrest gump or something. Like what the fuck are you talking about? You think people just are gonna give you more props than heaven? No, I just want to be spreading Santa. You're like a warrisgump or something You think people just are gonna give you more props in heaven yeah your handicap yeah Well, if I have paraplegic leg like fake legs like it's definitely a showstopper But you're gonna have angel wings the legs are just gonna slow you down your flight So now you're just this angel. Yeah, but if I take them off. I'm so light. Oh, yeah, that's true

Starting point is 00:22:24 But then I forgot my legs. Yeah, that'd be it Yeah door dash baby. That's what it is When you want something just just dashed over to your door When you want to open your door and have something right there that you want for your use That's where Door Dash can help. The new Dash Pass is the most affordable way to get anything in your area delivered to your door, helping you save money and time with every Door Dash order. That's true.

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Starting point is 00:24:34 for a lifetime Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at babel.com slash Theo. That's right, get 50% off babble.com slash Theo spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash T-H-E-O rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, but I would go cremation ways down. There's gotta be options where what is the difference I wonder

Starting point is 00:25:01 between the higher cost of cremation and the lower cost? Maybe like a finer grain. When you ground coffee beans, you can do like espresso or you can do like a more coarse one. Maybe it's like a finer grain. Like an Americano or something. Yeah, exactly. Where would you want your ashes to be spread?

Starting point is 00:25:16 Dude, I would spread them in some rich assholes fucking house probably. Yeah. Just randomly. The yard? Just somewhere like somebody who would like, it would bother them, you know? Yeah. Like somebody you just want to get under their skin a little bit, you'll never leave them.

Starting point is 00:25:33 That's good. Maybe give a little, give a half ounce to your kids or something. Yeah, they can spread it. Yeah, hopefully keep, you know, like. I would do like a, like a modern day anthrax maybe they put in somebody's mail Oh, I love that anthrax still around or did fentanyl take it anthrax

Starting point is 00:25:53 It's yeah, I guess fentanyl totally took its job Damn, yeah, people are getting gotten like a macy's catalog With anthrax. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was that email. Oh. You definitely a perfume sample and you're dead. Oh, an East Bay magazine. Two huffs of D or in your fucking exact. What happened with that? I'm not saying like bringing a bag, but like where'd it go? No, I'm just saying, bro, that people would pop up in a Johnson and Murphy catalog. Eddie Bauer catalog.

Starting point is 00:26:25 So on there, I said the top places to get cremations. Oh, popular places to scatter ashes. This is interesting. I'm sure somebody's spread it out a few of on show for sure. I think somebody spread it. You think? 100%. Bro, what about that story?

Starting point is 00:26:41 Like Mizzou or something? Definitely. Yeah, maybe something could have happened. What about that story? Remember there was zoo or something? Definitely. Yeah, maybe something could have happened. What about that story? Remember there was a girl into a Dane Cook show and disappeared after it. You ever see that? Oh, no, I didn't.

Starting point is 00:26:52 Yeah, it's on this episode of this show disappeared. And if you like shows about people. She's just winning. That are missing and everything. And I love that kind of stuff. I love missing people. And, but that, yeah. Can you find that neck?

Starting point is 00:27:05 She got kidnapped or she just went missing? They don't know, bro. And she was a huge Jane Cook fan, went to his show, and a lot of people like thought he had something to do with it. Did he ever speak publicly on it? I don't know. He had a whole bit about it.

Starting point is 00:27:18 He had a bit on it? Yes, he did. We can't do a bit on it. You can't monetize a missing person. But you have to, I think you do something as an homage. Maybe an homage, yeah, that's true. But it's like, God, that would be so crazy. Somebody went missing after,

Starting point is 00:27:33 bro, people are definitely gonna missing after one of your shows. Probably somebody just fucking disappeared in the back of us. Maybe missing from their like family, but they're still alive. Like I think they just net on their wife or something. Somebody fell through a portal in a vape shop after one of your shows, bro.

Starting point is 00:27:47 Definitely a couple of DUIs for sure. For sure. Yeah, I've had people text me afterwards, like had a great time, your show got a DU on the way home. I've had that. It's like, yeah, at least you made a home. But yeah, there was this big thing I was seeing somewhere like that about gay fish online.

Starting point is 00:28:08 Did you, was there anything on that Nick? It's just a lot of Kanye South Park results, but. Okay. Dude, once we start eating gay fish, dude, we are. I think tilapia might be up there. I think, cause tilapia is just like a mixture of like fish. Isn't it? Tilapia is like a definitely like a gang bang of fish.

Starting point is 00:28:29 Right, that's what I'm saying. I've never heard of you. You never seen like, oh, look at the tilapia. Never been at this Indian Kazoo. I think I've tilapia is here. Oh, they keep making fake fish, dude. Every like, I've talked about this many times, like every five months are like,

Starting point is 00:28:40 oh, check out this, the barramundi, you know, or the white fish or the, uh, yeah, or the go fish. Yeah, just never ends. Didn't, uh, isn't tilapia like made in a farm? Like it's like not a normal, like it's not, it's like, it's not bred in the wild. Yeah, I never see, I've never seen like somebody catch a tilapia at all. Let me see.

Starting point is 00:29:02 Tilapia is the common name for nearly 100 species of fish. Yeah, it's kind of like just a mutt of a fish. They're mainly freshwater fish inhabiting shallow streams. Yeah, they're fucking total crackfish, dude. It's as if somebody took a net and just picked up everything at skid row kind of and made like a- It's like a baloney with a fish.

Starting point is 00:29:24 Yes. Baloney is like five different animals in one, right? Oh, baloney is, yeah, baloney should be on episode of plug talk. It's fucking just been. It's one of the girls they interviewed. But baloney is fucking delicious. I don't know what it is.

Starting point is 00:29:39 What do you talk about on a show before you know you have to fuck? That's what's so funny to me. It's like a 30 minute or an hour long episode and they're just like talking about their upbringing and then they're just, okay. It's so, it fascinates me. And my favorite part, and I know Adam

Starting point is 00:29:57 and they're really nice to me and everything. Yeah, same man, I've been on this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they have like the wired headphone, like the TED Talk headphone. While they're having sex? Maybe, but during the interview. So it makes the interview seem so much more prolific

Starting point is 00:30:13 to be like, so tell me about, you said you are a big fan of a smooth R&B. Yeah. And then he just has that on. This was it? Yeah, it was a guy that went missing. Oh. Kyle's mom had just been diagnosed with cancer.

Starting point is 00:30:31 He and his mom vowed to beat the cancer together just days before her first surgery. Kyle took his sister Noelle and his mother, Barbara, for a special treat to a Dane Cook comedy concert to lift her spirits. He was in a great mood. After the show, Kyle tells his mom that he and some friends are heading to a popular bar

Starting point is 00:30:47 in Uptown, Charlotte. Anything else? Keep looking on that, Nick. I see if Zach can. Cause something happened. It's on an episode of Disappeared, a girl left a Dane Cook show. Every time in Disappeared episode, Dane Cook?

Starting point is 00:31:03 Yeah. There you go. That's why you're a producer man. Um Yeah, what else dude what else been going on man? How are you? I know your special came out bro. It's so good really bro Thank you, man. I was really happy with yours Stavros is our ones that I really liked But yeah yours was just there's just it keeps going like the material keeps going, it's fast, it's punchy. I think you have to do that on the TV ones. Yeah, I wanted it to look really good. And I had a lot of my sketches have like a camera

Starting point is 00:31:32 that like zooms in a bunch, like on the lens. So I had somebody at the special just solely zooming in a bunch. And there's three shows. So I was like, here's the beats on the jokes. For these jokes, I'm gonna look at that camera. And like when I look, we should like meet like the zoom in the middle.

Starting point is 00:31:45 So there was just somebody just the whole time just fucking giving arthritis to a god himself just cranking away on that Sony. But yeah, I wanted it to have a good retention and just look good. I think it was great for special. I think it's not the most fucking goaded special in the world, but I was really happy with it.

Starting point is 00:32:03 And I think a lot of people liked it. Oh, dude, 100% man. But are any of them good? I mean, some of them are good. It's hard to make one perfect. It's so hard to make comedy onto a special. Like as opposed to seeing it in person. It's not even the same thing.

Starting point is 00:32:17 It's not even close. I mean, it's not even the same thing at all. It's almost a travesty to do it really in a way. Yes, it doesn't even compare to be close. It's like when you're watching a stand-up show, you're watching anybody in the back of the room, you're always like permanently smiling. Like you're just static holding a smile.

Starting point is 00:32:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you're like constantly just like laughing and smiling. You're watching at home, you're just in like this, you're like, you start with the frown. Yeah. So you have to work out of like, ditch. Yeah, there's just, yeah, you're at home, you're fucking, you're at home, you're fucking,

Starting point is 00:32:45 you're hiding from your wife in the garage or whatever. Or one of your kids wants to love you or whatever and you can't handle it or something. But yeah, you're just frowning, you're just supposed to like. Yeah, I think somebody put it the best way to me, is a special, all it is is just a giant commercial for your touring. We are like, hey, this is a glimpse

Starting point is 00:33:03 of what a show looks like. Here's what I do for people live last year. So this is like what a Trevor Walls or Theo Von Show would look like. And I mean, you're doing arenas, dude. So like everything is helping. I mean, you're fucking, you're crushing right now. Yeah, we've been, we've definitely been having fun, man.

Starting point is 00:33:18 Thanks. You go to Australia. I was out there in November. You been, yeah? Yeah, I've been, it's just been about four years though. Okay. Because of COVID, but I'm stoked, bro. I'm, yeah? Or no? Yeah, I've been. It's just been about four years though. OK. Because of COVID, but I'm stoked, bro. I'm going to go back again, even like, I think,

Starting point is 00:33:28 maybe later this year. Really? And do like Perth and some other shows. Oh, yeah. Perth has, you've been to Perth, right? Yeah, we just didn't put it on there this, it just, the way it put together is just like. Perth is also like five hours from the Royals.

Starting point is 00:33:40 Yeah. People don't realize, and me, when I say people, I mean myself. I didn't realize it's the same size as the US essentially. When they're like our flight from Sydney to Perth is like five hours, it's like, how? Are we fucking driving? What's happening?

Starting point is 00:33:53 What bus is this? It's a massive area. And bro, they got some fucking trans animals over there. Yeah, have you seen that quacka? Bring that thing up, dude. Yeah, those are good. Those are good. that thing will slurp a tit right up. I think he's fresh off some popper. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:34:09 The quacka's off the poppers right there. Oh, that's dude. Bro, that's bro, you telling me this animal. That's a Pixar animal in real life. Ain't off of Perk 30 right now. You telling me, oh, God's earth. They say they have like the best cocaine out there and like yes proof of it Bro, that's a quack cane homie. I can't get his own. Okay. There ain't not a chance

Starting point is 00:34:31 He's eating that fucking cocoa leaf right there. Look at that dude, and they're all in good shape. They got good bodies Yeah, they're doing drugs. They're jacked to eat a leaf bro. He thinks it's a fucking shaking check burger Oh, man, dude, what's the wiener look like on one of those things, buddy? I was probably packing. Pull it up, Nikki. What's up? Pain is there you go. Let's see that. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:55 Show to get that little birdhouse he's running. Oh, is that a baby one? Are they pouches, too? That's so cool. Maybe look for a drawing of it, Nick. Oh, yeah. The, uh, the kangaroos have weird dogs. You get that Cruella.

Starting point is 00:35:10 They look like, uh, you know, like, uh, Harry Potter sticks. Yeah. And that's so crazy. The wands. Yeah, they're weird. I was at the, have you been in Kangaroo Park in, uh, I think Brisbane? Yeah. Yeah, I went there and they're, and they're weird.

Starting point is 00:35:23 They're just hopping around all fucking jacked up. And you can't tell if they're gonna beat the fuck out of you or be cool with you. It's almost like being around like UFC fighters. Yeah, dude, that's so true. I was at this thing with Burton Tom recently and Nate Diaz was there. No, really?

Starting point is 00:35:38 It's like, he's one of those guys, if you look eyes for too long, you're like, we're either about to kiss or he's about to kill me. Yeah, he is really cool. Like it's super intimidating. Yeah. Well, a lot of great marriages have started with even as a beating. The Stockton kangaroo right there.

Starting point is 00:35:52 This is crazy though. Oh, is he from Stockton? Yeah, dude. A lot of missing people in Stockton. You got a Stockton is an interesting place. Oh, there's some people are just like, you can even go to like, Hey, are you missing? And you're like, yeah can even go to like, Hey, are you missing? And you'd be like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:06 How did you know? Yeah, it's so weird, the Stockton's in California. There's a lot of people in Stockton that are using like calling cards. Yeah, and shit, you're like, what's going on? It's like a piece of New Jersey in California. People are like, Hey, can you help me get it to a pay phone? And you're like, Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:22 Everybody's got carburetors on them. Yeah, just like, you're just shocked at like some of the, like people have been crossing time zones and stuff, you know? Yeah. Great place, great place. Oh no, it's fun, dude. It's a fun place and people love it. And yeah, I think Disney's gonna be doing a thing up there too.

Starting point is 00:36:45 Even imagine. Hey, goofy. Hey, goofy dog. You trying to fucking box or what? I would watch that. Dude, when I went to school in Tucson, Arizona, they had in the car washes, all the like, first of all, I had to, I went there

Starting point is 00:37:06 and I had to take Spanish, right? And all the kids in there in high, this was in high school. All the kids in there were Mexican. So they would all just like calling me like, fegoto or whatever, you know, in Spanish or just different things, you know? And, and I was the only one paying attention. It was just like me and the teacher

Starting point is 00:37:23 to seven of one on one. I was the only one paying attention. It was just like me and the teacher was having a one-on-one. I was the only white dude. They would have like gang things would happen at lunch. They'd have to have the alarm go off. You'd have to lay down and like just eat your sandwich lay down. Like an earthquake drill?

Starting point is 00:37:35 Yeah, just like that. Was it an earthquake drill or gang shit? Gang shit. Gang shit does pop off. Oh dude, it would happen. Yeah, it would happen a lot. And you'd have to lay down and just eat your burger. And then the for real fucking vatos los violencias,

Starting point is 00:37:52 they would have fights in the car wash after school. And after like, oh after a certain amount that got somebody would break them out the thing and just spray it down and then be the end of the fight. That's pretty cool dude. It's kind of a bit of tradition. It was almost like being at the rodeo kind of, you know. It's fun.

Starting point is 00:38:08 You get to like leave there with a shower. So even here at ASP, you're like ready to party. And sometimes you see the rainbow and the mist, you know? And then you're like get your hair blow dry at the end. My Spanish teacher, she had a really soft voice. So she would talk with a speaker box attached to her hip. And she had like a microphone, like plug, she had a microphone and it would project her voice.

Starting point is 00:38:26 And I used to take my dad's, my dad had hip surgery and he got prescribed Vicodin and he was allergic to him. So he didn't take him. So I would just sneak a Vicodin every once in a while before Spanish class. So I would just be fucking biked out, listen to Ricky Martin 2.0 just blasting away dude. And she would just be,

Starting point is 00:38:43 I'm sorry, I'm sorry be upside is leaving la vida. Dude it was so good. I have like vivid memories of her class, 9 a.m. And I would smoke before class sometimes. Yeah. And I didn't know Spanish at all. So just being high off the perks at hearing Spanish, I was like, I think this is like how Duolingo was invented.

Starting point is 00:39:01 Like I just remember sitting there just nodding my head like there was music on just being like something. This is good., you're on the Xylot. Yeah, dude, she's great. Dude, yeah, our Spanish teacher, one of them was like a reform gangster. So all the Spanish they taught us was like about fucking funeralists and like fucking coyotes and all kind of like. Oh yeah, it was a lot of it. She was very violent. And then we had this other guy, senior of Leet was his name in Mandeville. And if you made a casserole, right? Casserole, as a gift, if you brought it to school,

Starting point is 00:39:38 you got it, I'm not even joking. That's the craziest thing. 50,000 bonus points. What is this fucking whose line is it anyways? Just keeping out insane points for nobody. It was crazy dude. You could be a complete failure in the class. You could be pregnant, you could not have a head or hands.

Starting point is 00:39:57 You could be in the class and have like a, your grade could be 11 points. You graduate early because of a casserole. And you show up on casserole day, bro. What was it, Dave? 75,000 bonus points, dude. They had the most random shit for extra credit. Sometimes they get like a little sexual.

Starting point is 00:40:15 They're like, bring him his favorite hostess cookie and we'll give you some points. Go get it, dude. Yeah, they just had a teacher I was looking at. What was that thing that we saw? There was also always a pregnant girl in PE. Oh dude be 16. She's like, I can't run the mile. I'm pregnant. I was like jealous. Oh I lost the spelling bee to a pregnant girl

Starting point is 00:40:39 Do you remember the word? Yep inconvenience Which was what you had it fucking in inconvenient of a child. Look, yeah. How many letters in? Dude, I don't realize that's just that. She probably had to spell that word because she fucking says it so goddamn much. She's like, fuck, I can't drink Sailor Jerry's because I got this inconvenience. Do you remember what?

Starting point is 00:40:58 They're like, now use it in a sentence. She's like, Jeremy left me with an inconvenience. Do you remember what letter you made it to? Yeah, I messed up the E in the I or the I in the E. She's like, Jeremy left me with an inconvenience. Do you remember what letter you made it to? Yeah, I messed up the E in the I or the I in the E. That's a tricky one. And I was so happy she did. Helena was her name and she was pregnant.

Starting point is 00:41:17 And she kind of looked pregnant even if she wasn't pregnant. She is just like. She had the attitude for it. She just, yeah, she was ready to just hat something I see you're pregnant. You see like nine months of like the world is your bitch Yeah, you could just you go to the parking guy and be like no pregnant You could probably get into the White House. Honestly. I'm pregnant. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah

Starting point is 00:41:38 Yeah, so let her through they start saying yeah It's just crazy. Just TSA see the baby anyone they do the scanner yeah and the babies in there like this he brought a lot of eyes I fucking love you dude the wheel turn um what do we have what was that of that didn't have a thing about a teacher of bring it back up yeah and Arizona teacher was fired for her only fans account and Rachel do might write Rachel Dozo. That's Rachel Dolezal, dude.

Starting point is 00:42:08 They said, once you go black, you never come back. Not the case with her. She's teaching right now? In Tucson. Do you see this? Oh, no way. Those are people. Rachel Dolezal, who goes by Nkechi Diallo, which I'm going to say, I'm going to limp.

Starting point is 00:42:24 Nkechi Diallo, which I'm gonna say, I'm gonna limp. Nkechi Diallo sounds back and way black, like not even American black. Diallo, Nkechi Diallo, that sounds like Kenyon. Lost her job at the Catalina Foothills School District. Wow, was teaching kids as an after-school instructor. She was under fire in 2014, accused of misidentifying herself as black while serving as the head of the NAACP.

Starting point is 00:42:49 Look, first of all, if someone wants to do a job and do it well, I don't think you should not let them do it because of their ethnicity. That goes against what the whole program's even trying to say it feels like. But what else happened to where it said- Is she twerking in that video? No.

Starting point is 00:43:04 Is that the video that got her fired? Oh. No, uh, is that the video that like got her fired? Oh, yes, I once screen grabbed a video. No, uh, somebody all the kids did Oh, dude, I swear. I thought I saw her at the gym this morning. Oh wow Yeah, she's showing that oyster dressing right there She's like for that extra credit right there. There's her casserole we only learned of missing Kiki Dialo? Everybody knows who that is though. Like she'd walk in class and be like,

Starting point is 00:43:31 oh, I missed Dialo. That's Rachel Dulles though. Also like just do only fans. You don't need to be a teacher. Yeah, it's a good point, but I think you have to get, this is the best step, where are you gonna get your clientele If you don't go to school looking hot bro, no way you don't go to dude if you had your hot teacher You telling me if she had an only fan

Starting point is 00:43:55 Yeah, miss after and you could go home after school or even be sitting in class looking at her teaching and Then you look on your phone. She has like a QR code on like her shirt or something. I think if I was a substitute teacher, that's how it worked. Yeah. You know, just be like, oh, here's what you do. You go to pull up a presentation and then it's accidentally on your OnlyFans page.

Starting point is 00:44:14 And you're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And then you see all the kids snap it. I mean, maybe that is a better way because now that this story is out, her OnlyFans is only gonna get higher. So maybe you get fired as this is all PR. I support her man. I would.

Starting point is 00:44:29 I wonder if she'd be interesting to talk to because um, Diallo has a public social media page where she has LinkedIn only fans page. Um, it doesn't say what school she was at. Catalina. That is a school actually. Catalina Foothills in Tucson. Yeah. It was fancy too.

Starting point is 00:44:46 I think it's messed up. Well, here's part of the problem is we're not paying the teachers. No. So what do you expect them to do? I don't think like, it's crazy that your teacher, right? The person who's helping guide your child.

Starting point is 00:44:59 Youth of America. Has to show their labia to get their bills paid. They want to get the scented Crayola markers. They got to show a little post. That's crazy. It's crazy though. And then it's crazy the parents are then like,

Starting point is 00:45:14 no, fuck that, you know, like at least that teacher, I think is entrepreneurial. Yeah, she should be teaching a business class. Yeah, they should be firing the whatever their, whoever chooses the salaries for the school people. I did always like when the teachers like would spend their own money and like let the class know, they would always let the kids know and be like,

Starting point is 00:45:32 this was out of Ms. Eckertson's budget, you know. Yeah. I went to Target myself on Sunday and bought these markers, oh shit, hell yeah. So if Ms. Dolazelle, or sorry to say government name, Ms. Diallo is popping some puss, but getting some, you know, scented markers. Yeah, I don't see a problem here. Look, now if she merges the two

Starting point is 00:45:53 and sell some scented markers at school. That are scented like her. Yeah. That's big money. Gwyneth Palser out of vagina candle. Do you ever see that? Yeah, the vagandals or whatever. Vagandals.

Starting point is 00:46:04 But it is crazy how people are having to do like, everybody's having to do only fans. of vagina candles. Do you ever see that? Yeah, the vagandals or whatever. The jandals. But it's it is crazy how people are having to do like everybody's having to do only fans. You know, you'll see like the DoorDash guy, his girlfriend sitting there in the passenger seat and she's filming her like on a string cam so they can make money to go home and take care of their family to buy their family a fucking sack of warm jack in the box. Yeah. They have to drive for 12 hours a day and she's up there live streaming.

Starting point is 00:46:32 Two coot shots that just pays for like 47 dashes. It's just crazy that it's all happening. Kind of exciting though. University of Wisconsin lacrosse Chancellor says he was fired of pornographic videos made with his wife. This happened in my hometown over Christmas and they had a cooking channel and they would make a dish Wait, really? Can we see like what? Yeah, yeah one sec. That's awesome. That's uh, that's fucking right at two. We talk right there

Starting point is 00:47:04 Yeah, I think I, every teacher is no different than anyone else. Like they're all pieces of shit, not pieces of shit, but they're all like, they're all adults. I remember in seventh grade, I saw my teacher. That's a crazy correlation. Well, so every, yeah, every teacher is a regular,

Starting point is 00:47:18 they're just a fucking person. Right, I saw my seventh grade English teacher after school one day buying a handle of Pop Off Vodka. Me and my friend Matt saw her and she looked over and saw us and immediately like turn She's buying pop off vodka at a CVS Dude, I remember we had a teacher who like her shirt. I swear they like put it on Like what's like the way it would like just hold her chest and everything It was just if she had an only fans, we would have spent,

Starting point is 00:47:46 I would have raked every yard in my neighborhood. You know how high my grades probably would have been? Oh yeah. Or bad, so you gotta stay after class, give detention. I mean, it's great PR honestly. It's not a great society to live in, but it's great PR. It's great PR.

Starting point is 00:47:59 If you teach at a local school for like three years, now all of a sudden, Miss Robertson is like, oh, dropped an only fan, it's like those three years are just promo. Yeah. It's fucking smart move. Don't let's out. I like it, man.

Starting point is 00:48:10 Um, dude, did you know, uh, down syndrome, people can't walk backwards. Can you look that up? Uh, yeah. And then I'm going to see that video. That's crazy. They can walk backwards. Uh-uh. Wait, isn't there, wait horses can't do that either.

Starting point is 00:48:28 Is that? Yeah, Down syndrome people can't walk backwards, yeah. So you have to do kind of like a 360? Like how many moonwalking DS people have you seen? To be honest You know Dude you might be on something with that if we find out if we could train and it's impossible But they have the heart to do it. Oh anybody's got the heart to moonwalk in 2024

Starting point is 00:49:02 It's gonna be one of our DS brother-ins. Oh, if we don't have a Down Center president by 2034, then I think we have, we're not doing it right. I think there should be a gang, like DS13. That's gonna be hard. Crazy. It's gonna be hard. Dog, I'm gonna fucking hug you to death on me.

Starting point is 00:49:22 Yeah, it's so nice, man. Oh, they're best. Well, they have a great coffee shop to in on me. Yeah, they're so nice, man. Oh, they're the best. Well, they have a great coffee shop, too, in DC now that's all Down syndrome people work in there. There's a Down syndrome guy. I think it's just, yeah, that Down syndrome people can't walk backwards, but we have a guy who came on here, Chris Nickach,

Starting point is 00:49:36 and we talked about him a lot, but he won, or he completed the Iron Man. Really? And he's Down syndrome. He can do more, I mean, he's more physically gifted than you and I will ever be. Yeah. So I mean, he ran like 400 miles or something.

Starting point is 00:49:50 Wow. And they are stronger, no? Is that? I'd love to check back in with him. That'd be cool, honey. Yeah. On a solo episode. Yeah. Let's just see how he's doing.

Starting point is 00:50:03 If he's still competing. He's doing only fans, too. Oh, yeah.'s doing. If he's still competing. He's doing all my fans too. Oh, yeah. But that's where it's at now. It's sad, you know. But then I guess it's like, you're in control of it. So maybe it's not sad. Maybe my view of it is sad.

Starting point is 00:50:16 Do you think it's sad or do you think it's okay? Like, maybe you're right. Maybe we put this negative connotation on it. Like, if my teacher has an awesome body or a body that I wanna see, or she like showing it off and twerking or whatever. No, I don't think, I think we've passed the point. Like maybe in the beginning it might have been

Starting point is 00:50:31 a little sad, but I think everybody has, even growing up, one of my friends, this kid Peter had a photo of his mom naked in the house. And that was like, you know, that was free only fans back then. Cause we would see that, and I still can remember that like visual, but she was doing that for free.

Starting point is 00:50:47 Just like imagine one day we all go to his house for sleepover and she accidentally is like, oops, I left his website open. What's your email and credit card and CVV? And now we're signing up for it. I think everybody's mom has been naked in a photo somewhere. So you might as well monetize it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:03 I think as long as it doesn't interrupt with like what you're, I don't know. I don't see well monetize it. Yeah, I think as long as it doesn't interrupt with like what you're I don't know. I don't see a problem with it. There's this cooking couple and they cook and then oh, this is all in porn Hub, huh? This is legitimate. So wait this these people were from your hometown Yeah, he was the chancellor at UWL and they found out he got fired and now he's probably gonna sue because he says they like It was his first amendment rights Yeah, you know I kind of I don't think that it's Wrong You know if people were gonna do what they want to do I think it might be a little

Starting point is 00:51:38 Strange here's the strange part is if kids can go and see you doing something. That's pretty Pretty graphic that ain't good for kids. No, no, yeah, I mean, doing this for 20,000 views definitely fire him for sure. I mean, if this was like 10 million, dude, fuck yeah, now he's got a career. I think he's trying to sue to make headlines. Dude, high school was freaking nuts, bro.

Starting point is 00:52:00 Yeah, dude, there was two teachers that started dating, they both got divorced and started dating in my middle school. And like it was like, member one viral was just like word of mouth. Like that's what it was. Everybody was like, dude, the bucket. One was a home act and one was a history teacher. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:15 So they were getting historical in that place. Dude, member one viral was just somebody yelling something in the hallway. Yeah. Or like one guy did something in like math class. He like threw a wad of soap and toilet paper to the hallway. Yeah, or like one guy did something in like math class. He like threw a wad of soap and toilet paper to the ceiling and then everybody heard about at lunch, that was viral. They're like, damn, Ricky wadded up the fucking science, bro.

Starting point is 00:52:35 Dude, what a legend, dude. It was easy to be a legend back then. Oh, it's so easy to be a legend. You can do anything. We need these dumb high school pranks. We take ketchup packets and we put them under the toilet seat. Someone, somebody would go to sit down and shoot a pack of their legs. Dude, now that I think about it, I would kill myself.

Starting point is 00:52:54 If I was at lunch or if I was trying to pee in between Spanish class, I'm off a bike. It in. I get shot by Heinz 57 in the kneecaps. I'm taking my own life. Bro, there's nothing gayer for some reason than the back of your leg, dude. Well, you walk into class and go like, do you, some like ketchup?

Starting point is 00:53:14 I'm like, I'm gonna end it here. But really, even when you just touch back of your leg, it feels like it just, hey. It feels like you could fuck it. Yeah, it feels like it's been fucking meeting guys somewhere. It's been waiting for it. But like, imagine like trying to wipe that off. Oh, it feels like feel kind of doesn't it does it feels more expensive Yeah, yeah, yeah a little tender. Yeah, dude. If you touch the back of your legs, man, it just feels more expensive

Starting point is 00:53:35 Yeah, that's maybe what that's the part that I think if I had a casket the open casket that had cremation I'd have that down there like bone marrow type thing.. Oh yeah, I like that, like a dip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love that. If you're open casket, definitely chips and everything around you. Cause you don't want people to have to come up and feel like they can't stay and look at you.

Starting point is 00:53:54 That's the thing that I did hate sometimes, like it was horrible to see somebody sometimes open casket, but you felt like you only got like two seconds and then it wasn't cool of you. And you had to go back and cry like by the chairs and stuff. Yeah. Cause yeah, some people you want to get back in line, you know?

Starting point is 00:54:13 Oh, that's true. That's true. I would maybe do like sunglasses or maybe like, I don't know. Yeah. But Daph put a perk 30 on somebody if you go to their open casket. Yeah, I'll do something.

Starting point is 00:54:25 Put it right on their lapel or something. Put it in Dad's hand. Give him something. Nobody even knows. Yeah, you tuck it back in. This episode is sponsored by Blu-Chu. Let's talk about sex, fellas, huh? Remember the days when you were ready to go?

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Starting point is 00:56:46 Bro, you know what those, the craziest in high school were those people that came and did like the anti-drug performance as well. That were the DUI guy. Do you have like a DUI guy? Yeah, we had this dude, Maestro Mack was his name, right? He taught something. He's on Pornhub.

Starting point is 00:57:06 He taught something at our school, right? And suddenly he showed up one day and he was just in like wrestling, like shorts or a unitard or something. And he would, oh, he would say like karate my body. And then he would just break a fucking brick or something with his hand, right? And everybody's like Is this anti-drug cuz this makes me want to do coke. He has me wanted new drugs dude The craziest part was to like one time

Starting point is 00:57:33 he He had like a bunch of wood or whatever, right? That he was gonna break you know and and the shop teacher would always get pissed because he'd be like he'd be jealous that he had all this spare wood He'd be like we're fucking we're we have nothing to build now to mechanical pencils over here It was crazy, bro because the shop teachers They would always steal like these wooden like parts by the baseball field that had advertisements on them And then you'd see like bird houses like a month later, and they would they don't have like Auto glass Yeah, dude like bird houses like a month later and they'd all have like a auto glass

Starting point is 00:58:05 or something on the side of it. Yeah, dude. Made in Stockton. But that dude, one time Maestro Mack. Yeah, people were like. It was like 9 a.m. too. It was like you'd get to class and they'd be like, oh, we're not doing class today.

Starting point is 00:58:19 We're learning about an assembly. Yeah, we're doing assembly and it's about no drugs. And this guy, his wife would go out and light like two smoke bombs or whatever in the gym. And then he would like come running out in between him. It was so bizarre. And then like the finale one time, he, she was hitting him in the head with a broomstick, right?

Starting point is 00:58:39 Like right to break it across his head. And she hit him like three times. And it didn't break. And everybody could see the cops start to kind of walk over a little bit like the security guards and shit. And people started yelling one more time. There's turns in a WWE. Dana White's in there like,

Starting point is 00:58:59 are you gonna fuck him up, man? So this is to prevent drugs? Yeah, I guess, bro. It was like, and then she hit him three more times and he just bleeped everywhere and then they shut it down. Dude, the best drug prevention should just be a guy who's really coked out trying to pitch you

Starting point is 00:59:13 on starting a podcast for like an hour and he just doesn't stop talking to the whole auditorium. He's like, you don't get a man, Bluetooth, VPN, plug talk, and he just keeps going about it. I would never do it. We had a DUI one and they would make us put on these goggles that made it feel like you were drunk.

Starting point is 00:59:29 And then we're gonna drive simulator. I got pretty good at it. Because it just made me wanna be like, how good is this? Because they had to test it somewhere. I'm like, they just riffing this in a laboratory somewhere or they're sending out Thomas who's hammered off a couple steel reserves. Go drive the Bronco around the block

Starting point is 00:59:48 and see what you get into. And so wait, it was like an Oculus type of thing. Yeah, so it was, yeah, it looked like an Oculus, but it was like, it was like, like lab coat, like plastic glasses, but the vision, it just looked like, like maybe glasses that your dad wear, they're really thick,

Starting point is 01:00:02 like, but they were just really bad eyesight that just blurred everything. So, every time I like drunk driver simulator, like goggles, yeah, they just look like that, but they like, yeah, they just made you see really blurry. But it was like kind of fun to do it like 9 a.m. All the football players like, this is how I drive to practice.

Starting point is 01:00:24 Fatal vision impairment goggles, Jesus. The fatal vision alcohol goggles deliver memorable lessons on topics like impaired driving, underage drinking, and other substance abuse issues. Participants perform simple activities or sobriety tests without and then with the goggles. Performing the activities takes twice,

Starting point is 01:00:42 performing the activities twice lets participants experience the performance while unimpaired and then impaired. Is it what you're talking about? Yeah, it was like these. Wow. So yeah, it would show like how drunk you were. So you would feel drunker the second time

Starting point is 01:00:55 because the goggles just alter your kind of perception? Yeah, so it kind of just looks like if you were, I'm trying to think, like it just looked like you were looking at like really foggy glass almost. Yeah. Like a fun mirror type thing. Yeah. But yeah, we it just looked like you were looking at like really foggy glass almost. Yeah. Like a fun mirror type thing. Yeah. But yeah, we would do this like not am.

Starting point is 01:01:09 And a lot of times they would bring like a mangled up car that was involved in an accident. Always. And they'd be like, this was the car so and so was in. And then the guys there to talk about it. I'm like, dude, so you get a DUI and I get to tour the US. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:21 Doing like door deals with a high school. Yeah. Probably, and they would always like have like somebody Yeah, doing like door deals with a high school Probably and they would always like have like somebody is spray painted like Like trunk like trunk lowered or something in the car and it would be like a bleep like a bloody cheerleader Like yeah, they always had that shit Yeah, they'd paint the story and then you just go back to class after that Time to learn about meiosis when we just learned about a guy who mangled a car

Starting point is 01:01:48 with his best friend in it. Now it's a really weird thing to give high schoolers at literally 9 a.m. Bro, it was, that was an unbelievable time for high schoolers because it was really the time of day you had just woken up. You hadn't been awake the first hour and a half. You don't know what the fuck you were doing.

Starting point is 01:02:04 You were happy. You were happy. You were just making sure you were alive. 9 a.m. you kind of pipe up a little bit and they take you there. And then the guy's showing you like, yeah, his handle is like, trank Lord 5,000. You're like, we're supposed to follow this thing. Yeah, I never really got the, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:02:22 Like it would make me just feel really sad for the person that lost her life. But I don't know if it deterred me from drinking feel really sad for the person that lost her life, but I don't know if it deterred me from drinking and driving. Yeah, like the mom would be there and they'd be like, Alejandro could have lived to be 20. And you're like, only 20. I guess it doesn't even make any sense. Like they would have like,

Starting point is 01:02:36 he's still not even going up to drink dude. Dude, like, he's gonna plaster off wine coolers. Sometimes the exchange rate, like the verbal exchange rate like what the person It would come in was so weird that we had a guy officer Bob And he was like the biggest cop they ever made right like they really oh they put him in the car And then I swear I don't think he could get out of the car for like years like he was literally had to live in the cop car She's like that famous he was that that big. He was very big.

Starting point is 01:03:05 Oh, that big, okay. And his weight had shut down. Look up Covington, Louisiana, dare officer, Bob, B-O-B. And his weight had shut down, even his windpipe. It like pushed, like, yeah, and he would be like, I'm doing drugs, I love you guys. And if he pulled you over for a ticket, he could, you had to walk back.

Starting point is 01:03:29 He just has licensed registration to the intercom. Oh, it was known through town you had to walk back and get the ticket from him. Yeah, he just was too big, he couldn't handle it. This might've been before they had photography. The internet. Yeah, maybe just go to Eminence, let's see. That's so so funny I like

Starting point is 01:03:47 seeing a fat cop you know they're going against society norms yeah like I'll still catch them you ever see a cop just being a cop like like living up to stereotype like I had done a shopper you know fuck yeah yeah dude live it up dude yeah it is pretty respectable man yeah why not there's something nice about it yeah we've seen us so many great like that's one cool thing You see at the shows now just with like watching the shows making sure everything after the show you get to talk to the cops I'm like who threw out this guy we threw out like some dude urinated in a woman's hair like Thought it was a bathroom dude was wasted. What city? I think it was Pueblo, Colorado. Yeah

Starting point is 01:04:24 That high out of, out of the dude, I can't even say it. Yeah, that's crazy. Some, you know, a child of a couple of, you know, a couple of gold miners or whatever. And this dude's just splash scalp and some bird. And she said she sat there, she didn't know what was going on and then after a little while she like what's happening Do you know people at Taylor Swift concerts or some girls that wear a diaper because they don't want to miss any of the concert

Starting point is 01:04:50 So they'll just pee themselves. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're doing it because I mean tickets are so expensive Like a pee probably cost them like six hundred forty eight dollars or something. Yeah, it's 20 minutes of your time Yeah, so you might as well as peer pants on it honestly some sort of swift fans say they're wearing adult diapers to ourselves They don't miss any songs it totally makes sense especially these days I think if anybody wears a diaper to my show it's because they're gonna shit themselves and pack into me zens The amount of times I see vape smoke in my crowns I fucking love it anybody that comes out to see me I'm like I love you guys. It's just so like true to the Anybody that comes out to see me, I'm like, I love you guys.

Starting point is 01:05:22 It's just so true to the content I put out. It's so Native American. Yeah. Yeah. These are true. They're heckling with fucking smoke signals. Pussy. They just write F-A-G in the air with smoke.

Starting point is 01:05:38 Heckling you by blowing. Oh, this is so funny. That's hilarious, bro. Yeah, I like getting recognized by cops. It happens more like, a lot of cops watch my stuff, which is weird. I'm like, when do you guys have time to do this? But like, it makes me feel good when they're like,

Starting point is 01:05:53 dude, I love your stuff. Like I've had a cop be like shy. Like, yeah. What's it called? Not Starstruck, because I don't think it's like that. But I think they're just like, oh shit, like nervous around me. I'm like, you have a gun

Starting point is 01:06:06 Should be nervous around you don't study your words around me I have a fore-loco advertisement. Okay. Hey, you made the the Kyle videos, right? You are in control of the bad people Use your gun Put me in handcuffs. When was the last time you were in a bag of a cop car? Oh, my friend Billy and I, my buddy Billy Comforto, RIP, man. He was famous, one of the most famous gay prize fighters.

Starting point is 01:06:37 And uh... Prize? He just fought. He was like one of the first gays that could really fight. They didn't have it. People would like call him a name and then. They'd beat their ass. They'd get the shippied out of you.

Starting point is 01:06:51 So it was amazing dude. It was like, oh this is different. That'd be such a good dare. Like if somebody didn't know, but I would call him that. Oh it was great. Yeah, one thing I remember when I was young, I always wanted friends that had like something different

Starting point is 01:07:03 about him, you know? Like one of my first friends was this guy Douglas and he had a stutter and I'd never heard it, you know? And then Billy, you know, the gay fighter and Douglas was like, don't call him a, a, a, a, a, a, and then Billy would just knock someone out if they did call him a, an F-A-G-O-T. Dude, I wanted to be different, so bad growing up.

Starting point is 01:07:20 I told people I was color blind. Yeah. I think I went, my mom, so bad to point my doctor. My mom took me to doctor and he's like pointing at something that's a yellow and he's like, what color is that? I was like blue. Just riffing.

Starting point is 01:07:30 I just wanted to be different so bad. Oh, I just yelled the N word and a couple Mormons, dude. I feel like you don't believe I'm color blind and I would just drop it right on. I don't Mormon. Yeah, I wanted to be color-less. Nazareth, with that Nazareth I'm talking about. Oh, that word. Yeah. Okay, I wanted to be colorizer it with that Nazareth. Oh that word. Yeah

Starting point is 01:07:51 Bro shout out to black Mormons are there any black Mormons, I think so I just got we need more We need more man, we've had we had a lot of Blonkeys in our area growing up. What's that? Like Black dudes that want to be white, you know? Like the opposite of Wiggas, you know? Oh. We had hella Blonkeys, bro. OK.

Starting point is 01:08:16 What are we talking about? Oh, yeah, big Bob, our cop, he just like, yeah, get on that loud speaker. He's like, no. Like, he just couldn loud speaker. He like, no. Like he just couldn't get, he was so big. Do people have to handcuff themselves to get in the car? They would do, that's great. How'd I do this? He's like, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Starting point is 01:08:34 Look like John with the hood. Dude, my, but me and Billy, so we got pulled over. Billy had like a pound of weed on him. So he, or in the car, so he picks it up, he puts it in his shirt, right? They take us out of my car, put us in the cop car to search my car. Oh, but he had the weed on him? Yeah, the weed on him.

Starting point is 01:08:53 So now we're sitting in the cop car with the pound of weed on him. And then they're like all clear, they put us back in the car, we fucking drove off. Holy shit. That was awesome. I wonder if anybody's ever got like, pulled over for like a parking ticket and put like a pound of weed in their ass. Just,. That was awesome. I wonder if anybody's ever got like pulled over for like a parking ticket

Starting point is 01:09:05 and put like a pound of weed in their ass. Just, it just was just scared. Or like that pulled over. Like, you know how sometimes cops will clear the highway? Just like stop traffic. I wonder if anybody's seen that and they freaked out and put an A-ball in their ass. Just start fighting.

Starting point is 01:09:19 Slowly knuckling nugs up their hole. They're putting just like the OG for a logo in there. They're like, it's illegal now. Moonshot. There has to be a tragic story out there of somebody who, they thought a cop would stop it and maybe they weren't because it could have been something. It was like apartment security and he's like, oh fuck.

Starting point is 01:09:39 The guys just jamming. Eight ball of heroin up there. A 12 second of dirt weed. Success. See, small security, he's like, oh fuck. just jamming eight ball of heroin up there. A 12 second dirt weed on the ass. See his mall security just go fuck. It's just so crazy to put something in your ass. Yeah. That fast too.

Starting point is 01:09:53 And it's hard. It's harder too. I love how people are like, yeah, it's just tossed into my ass. I don't think I'd be able to talk okay to the cop. No. If I had fucking eight ball in my ass. Oh, because you're just hoping that that

Starting point is 01:10:05 plastic holds out or you're dead. You're I mean, you're living life on the Vita loco mode for about 10 seconds. You're crushing it. The second it breaks through, but it is sensitive down there. I mean, it goes straight on the bloodstream. Did you? Um, yeah, they used to have like that thing, but jippin or whatever, when people put LSD in the vagina. I remember I could have heard that Vagyp, but jippin a lot of chicks would do that. Imagine eating a chick out while she does that She just turned into like a custard pie But like imagine

Starting point is 01:10:42 One time my friend said, yes, here. Yeah, she just turns into a fucking edge of a table or something. Well, because the effect of the LSD goes to you and you just forget what you're doing down there and you're just floating. You just think you're kissing an oyster at a beach or whatever. Kiss romantic? Yeah, you're at a fucking red lobster just slurping faces some oyster. Am I talking to tattoo ramen right now. Have you ever done salvia? Wasn't that like gas station dope kind of?

Starting point is 01:11:12 Yeah, you could just be 18 and up, but like you would trip really hard. Yeah, they sold it like a cigarette. It's like you could smoke it and your like life is different for about 15 minutes. Yeah, like the entire world. You can literally just smoke this and go out into the real world It's crazy. Salvia is the largest genus of plants in the sage family with nearly a thousand pieces of shrubs and annuals within the

Starting point is 01:11:34 Salvia is part of the tribe meant meant the a What is a really funny video, I mean this guy does salvia and he goes gardening It's really it's like oh, oh g you too. It's fucking hilarious Yeah, that guy that guy This case smoke salvia and then dress it garden It's kind of a long video but Some soil from the garden. It's kind of a long video, but Maybe speed up a little bit

Starting point is 01:12:13 He just falls over Maybe I was on salvia watching this but Hold on The guys now laying on the ground right you're kind of quivering. The text goes, want to see more Salvia challenges. What is this? Cardiac arrest. That's not a Salvia challenge. Yeah, no, you like full blown trip balls for 15 minutes and they just sell it out at gas stations.

Starting point is 01:12:40 That's crazy. You can just buy it. Well, it's crazy how the food and drug administration, can we just say that they don't care about us? They don't care. They do not care. They don't care about us. You could buy this and go to jury duty and just sit there.

Starting point is 01:12:54 Jury duty is fucking hilarious. It's like a flight that never takes off. You're just sitting there. Man, I wish you could pick your cases. Like I wish they had like a menu like, oh, here's the cases they're doing today. Cause then I could see if I wanna pretend like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it.

Starting point is 01:13:08 Oh yeah, you gotta, yeah. I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist. What t-shirt are you wearing? And last time they were like, we have so many races here today. We still have to ask you guys a couple questions. We gotta filter through that. See how racist you are.

Starting point is 01:13:26 Damn man. I got called into a jury and then there was a bunch of people trying to give excuses. You ever try to give an excuse? Dude, people bomb. People like, because I was like third up and this girl's like, I have a child and he's like,

Starting point is 01:13:39 well, have you ever heard of a babysitter? And then the girl's like, well, I, next, then it gets to me. This is when I first started touring. I was like, I'm a babysitter. And then the girl's like, ah, well, I, ah, next. Then it gets to me. This is when I first started touring. I was like, I'm a touring comedian. He believed it, but like, I'm surprised he wasn't like, do a tight five right now. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:54 Just terrifying. That's intense, man. I can't believe Jerry Doody's a real thing. Like we just go and grab a random group of a hundred of America's dumbest people. And be like, hey, sit in this room. We're gonna use ten of you to solve this murder. It blows my mind.

Starting point is 01:14:09 Well, it's the craziest part about it is this bitch works at a Leslie's pool supply. Now they're fucking in charge of a murder. Now they're trying to figure out who killed Kennedy right here. Like, are you fucking kidding me. They're trying to find the guy after the Dane Cook concert, and some guys like, I don't know the difference

Starting point is 01:14:30 between a cucumber and a pickle, and you want me to decide on this jury? This is a Fuddruckers manager. This is a Fuddruckers manager. Yeah. They shouldn't be putting somebody in jail. What was my mind? Also, it seems lazy.

Starting point is 01:14:46 Well, it's like, it's seen, it's like, these days I think people can be so divided to politically that if you see somebody and they're not like your type or whatever, then immediately. There should be a better pool to draw from. Like every kid who is on the debate team in high school, like pull from those fuckers. Like we shouldn't have to get the guy who drives the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile around town

Starting point is 01:15:07 to be like, I think he stabbed that bitch. You did it, sir. You did it in behind the hot dog truck. Yeah, and now they even have, the other day they caught an illegal alien on a fucking, the guy, didn't even speak English and they caught him on a jury. It's like, what is even, this guy's coming to our country.

Starting point is 01:15:25 He doesn't eat, and he's just telling him people are murderers. He can't even speak English. Yeah, he just does this. Points, just he's fucking with them. He's like, oh, that's crazy. And it's a jury, like you could riff. Like you be like, I don't like this guy's outfit. Let's send him in.

Starting point is 01:15:41 Yeah. It just blows my mind that we're just crowdsourcing if somebody's guilty or not. It just, everything has gotten pretty bananas, man. It just seems lazy on the government to be like, we'll have society do it. Or maybe it's fair, I don't know, I don't know anything. Well, the government has gotten,

Starting point is 01:15:57 the government is out of business really. I mean, have you been around? Working from home and shit. Even the US postal system, it's's like I was just talking about this It's I get mail that sent to my house. It says to Trevor Wallace or current Resident like how desperate is that like for Trevor Wallace or fucking anybody? Anybody who lives here. It's like sad Like why you gotta be like if you are yeah, yeah Yeah, it's almost like I'm begging you to open.

Starting point is 01:16:25 And there's no good mail anymore. And it's like all the mail is trash. It's all fucking just a bunch of smack on paper. Yeah, they put those fake fucking credit cards in there. Just like, oh, I think he's gonna open it up. The shitty part is there's a lot of Americans that are like, just got a new visa. It's like open now, urgent.

Starting point is 01:16:43 It's a credit card to fucking m fucking murder. It shouldn't be urgent That is my money Yeah, open do not bend. I hate all mail is bullshit. Do not bend. What do you it's paper? Yeah, I Got a bit gun to a bathroom. You do. Yeah, yeah hit it up man. Yeah, it's inside Next time we should put catch up under your seat. Well, there is nothing real gay in the back of your legs. Huh? Such a funny place to get pranked.

Starting point is 01:17:12 Just like, imagine this, you got to shoot real bad at school. You just ate a honey bun. Fuck. So crazy. You can't really deal with it at the moment because you're just shitting. Yeah. You're like, what do I wipe first my legs? Dude, I wonder if one thing about a coffin you don't see much as somebody face down in a coffin

Starting point is 01:17:33 That's so funny lying on their hands like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. That seems more peaceful honestly Yeah, it's really true. Huh like who the who lies like that in a call. Yeah, I'm a side sleeper, honestly So maybe maybe I just turn the casket vertical Yeah, side in a coffin will be kind of nice looking over at somebody. Yeah, and even one of your hands up like this is Dude, what if you did one of these like you could like it's healthy opportunity like the wax museum Yeah, maybe a sleep mask could be kind of cool of cool. Bro, but that's unbelievable that that chart. It said now it's 76% of people are cremated. Bro, that's unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:18:11 It was 4% in 1960. Did they have that technology back then? That had to be a hard pitch. Like the first guy to do cremation. Yeah. Yeah. We could just burn the motherfucker. What?

Starting point is 01:18:23 I don't know. I'm just spitballing. I'm not just think about the future, dude I'm not saying Satan's winning, but yeah The guy that seems like how you airdrop yourself to hell is just by doing cremation. Yeah, you know, it just seems I don't know Yeah, you know like well, I think it also used to well also used to have all like the mummies and like They would mummify people they would bury them one of the big things back in the day was they would bury you with things You needed to get to the next life like Sometimes I think that could be one of the reasons why like we're stalling out here as a society because we're not even burying people

Starting point is 01:19:03 First of all, we're burning people up. Okay, which- There's no way God looks down and is like, chill. Hell yeah. Good, nice. Well, they're burning- Right next to the wood fire pizzas. Yeah, but they- Dude, imagine if you went to a funeral

Starting point is 01:19:19 where somebody's committed and then went to a wood-burning pizza after. Dude, that would be a really good two for one. Yeah. Like burn your dad, get some barbecue chicken pizza. I don't know. The whole thought of it freaks me out. Like so weird.

Starting point is 01:19:33 Oh, it's so weird. One thing to me that's interesting was, I think we used to prepare people literally, like they would prepare people, they would bury them with different, can you look at that thing? That is true, yeah, because they'd find a lot of people like bury like either with like a their cat or like,

Starting point is 01:19:47 first of all, my cow would be soap his down there. Yeah, stuff they needed for the afterlife. Yeah, wow. What are you bringing? Yeah, bring up buried people, burying people with afterlife stuff. The ancient Egyptians tomb was supplied with items that deceased would need in the afterlife,

Starting point is 01:20:02 food, household goods, the body itself. Often the supplies provided were also duplicated in other forms, food and furniture, for example, were painted or carved into the banquet scenes on the two malls. But yeah, they needed you to get to the afterlife. So I think then a lot more people were actually making it through to the afterlife.

Starting point is 01:20:19 Now, we're not even burying people with shit so that it's fucking stalling back out. It's like burning man, it's like you didn't bring anything. You're not going burying people with shit so that it's fucking Burning man, so you didn't bring anything you're not going to the next life So the spirit is kicked back here And that's why everybody gets born like all this guys and Thomas fuck because he cuz he just stalled out here It's like we're almost like it's a giant pot. Look you don't bring anything. They just send you right back Yeah, I think that's one of the problems our spirits are stalled out because we're not We're not getting the right tools to get you think you would bring it's like Zelda Breath of the problems, our spirits are stalled out because we're not getting the right tools to get.

Starting point is 01:20:45 What do you think you would bring? It's like Zelda Breath of the Wild. I'd bring that thing that like, it lets you like, when you jump off of something, it like lets you glide kind of. Oh yeah? I thought you meant one of those pull up bars you put on a door frame.

Starting point is 01:20:56 I was like, dude, if you're a chicken, you go to a guy's house and he has a pull up bar on the door frame. Girl, you better wrap up. Let's just say. Because his wife is gonna be home soon. Let's just say he's a Theta Kai. That's the real factual about that.

Starting point is 01:21:09 Yeah, I think I probably, yeah, knows, knows, knows. No girl sees that and is like, oh, fuck yeah. You can't afford a planet fitness membership. Dude, every place I go perform for colleges, like apparently the frat or whatever that like is roofing everybody is always pike, I feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pike's big. Our neighbors in the frat at college were pike

Starting point is 01:21:31 and that was a whole stereotype. They got kicked off campus my first semester there and then they just come to our parties. Like dog, no. Yeah, bro, yeah, they're notorious for it. Yeah, it is. For just really having a blast. I'm doing a college gig this week, actually. You are?

Starting point is 01:21:48 St. Louis, Mizzou, Mizzou. Now I'm flying into St. Louis, but it's always far. It's in Rolo. It might be University of Missouri. It's in Rolo. Can you look up what's in Mizzou? It's not on my website. The great part, you don't have to promote these college shows.

Starting point is 01:22:00 Oh, yeah, that's nice. Can you type in Rolo University? Dude, I don't know anything. Yeah, that's it. R-L-L-A is an O. R-L-L-O. I don't know. But, yeah, I will say like the front row is just all,

Starting point is 01:22:15 just frat guys yelling. Yeah. I did a, you know, Shawn Evans from Hot Ones, yeah? Yeah. I did a Hot Ones live at a college with him, me and him. It was so fun, but all these frat guys were in the crowd. Just put on more sauce pussy. Like getting hackled while crying, eating chicken wings.

Starting point is 01:22:32 The frat guys are the best people ever. Oh dude. They're just walking at summation points. People are like, yeah, like we were out the other night and those guys like record me one guy, be recording one guy, would show someone his phone and be like, upper deck a zen or fuck your dad. Or something like that.

Starting point is 01:22:45 And then the other guys recording you, you see it to give your answer. Oh, the street interviews? Yeah. So does guys spawn out of nowhere? You can be anywhere and a guy will pop up, be like, you know, gay son or thought daughter, what do you, what would you rather have?

Starting point is 01:22:57 Like dog, we're not fucking Barnes and Noble, dude. How did you get in here? They just pop out of nowhere, that's content now. Yeah. Content is content now. Yeah. Content is surprise content. Oh, bro, that's one thing that I haven't been like, I don't like that ambush style shit. Yeah, it's shocking.

Starting point is 01:23:11 And I don't like the surprise stuff because you forget that when you're talking to somebody, like if it's at an event or something like that, that somebody could be recording it. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, where was I? It's too scary because if you don't know, I never even know what I'm saying half the time.

Starting point is 01:23:23 So I'm like I'm dude I was in New York and some guy tapped me on the shoulder I had bones and some guys on a test control I turn around he goes with the camera he had a camera guy and a mic and he goes when was the last time you cried like bro Huh? I'm walking in a park by myself probably pretty soon But I had that I asked the guy after like like I started to riff with them I was like dude, I don't know who this guy is. Like, can we, I was like, can you actually just delete it?

Starting point is 01:23:47 He's like, no, for sure. And I was like, no, like, let me watch you delete it. It was very weird. Yeah. This pop up and you're such a recognizable guy. You probably happens you all the time. I see clips of it. Yeah, I start seeing shit that I can't even, I'm like, oh, some of that was recorded.

Starting point is 01:24:02 That was a thing. It really gets kind of, of, it gets kind of, I'll say scary, it's kind of in, it's crazy. Some of it's invasive. Well, yeah, and that's the thing, you don't know now if somebody just whisper something to you like that, if there's somebody's in the distance recording it. So you could say something,

Starting point is 01:24:19 if even if you think it's just between friends or something, and then they can burn you up on something, you know? Yeah, dude, I'll see you like, I mean, did you like walk in through like a minor league like baseball dugouts, it was like, The Oval! How big's your cock? Now you're just all over TikTok and Reddit because you gave a thumbs up, like anything you do,

Starting point is 01:24:37 people are like, don't flip. Yeah, something girl the other day, she's driving by in her car, I guess she drove by and then she came back around real slow and she's like, what's up, Theo? And I was like, let me see that post. I was like, I just hit her right in that queue. But that's what they want.

Starting point is 01:24:50 But that's what you need. That's what people want to see. They want to see that somebody drove by. They want that outlandish Theo claim. And you said, let me see that post, which is what you're thinking anyway. You're just like a walking NFT. Like if anybody gets footage of you being you,

Starting point is 01:25:04 they now have a prized possession of like Theo yelling. Let me see that post. I think it's weird It's crazy. Dude. We went to oh, you know what we did that was awesome. We went to Caitlin Clark broke the oh Louisiana or no, not Louisiana Indianapolis. Oh fuck. I'm a shot Iowa She would but the Indianapolis isn't far off, but she it all be on the same tour schedule the women's scoring record Oh, you were there for that bro. We went did the crowd how did the crowd go when she like broke it was it was crazy Oh, good me and Kayla Presley went and Bro, yeah, he's so funny man. What a neat guy and yeah, we went but we had we literally had a blast

Starting point is 01:25:41 I mean we just showed up and her boyfriend, Connor McCaffrey is her boyfriend and his brother, Patrick, and we got to sit with them. Did you be at everywhere? It was just fun. Well, this was cool, man. I just, I never got to see, like, I mean,

Starting point is 01:26:02 it was just watching her play just Just really like it's a vibe. The whole team, man, like Hannah Stolke. They got a bunch of like, it was just really interesting. And you're watching it. It's like the energy is hype. Like I haven't been to like a lot of, I guess, women's basketball games. A lot of times you think like, oh man, you know, but this shit was hype, bro. Yeah, dude, I saw a Duke game and like how it packed in their stadium is and like that energy

Starting point is 01:26:26 Was fucking awesome. Here's a shot right here that did it broke the record. Oh Gang bro, what a banger. Yeah, I'm immediately shotgun on a boat like oh, she's a frickin And that was from downtown. Oh, she's a sniper. So that was three. That's what she says. She threw it up That's what they run it is. So that was to break the bodies out there. Oh, in Iowa. No, all time points for women in NCAA. Yeah, sorry. She brought you up as all time points for women in NCAA. She also hit 1000 assists that game. How many points was that? I think you said 36 something 30s. How much points is she at? And she's at 35 69. And she had 49 that game.

Starting point is 01:27:08 Oh yeah, it was our highest ever. She had 23 in the first quarter. We were like, bro, you feel like you are in cable. We were like, God. Yeah. Dude, that's awesome. But that was, that was pretty sick. And that was like probably one of the neater things

Starting point is 01:27:21 that I've done in the past year. That's great, man. That was just pretty cool. You've been any cool events? Did you go to Super Bowl? I was there Super Bowl week. Uh, I got to open the Burton Tom show in Vegas. My first arena.

Starting point is 01:27:32 It was awesome. Dude. Yeah. What was that like? It was a different ball game. It was surreal. So pretty much I got asked to do his golf tournament out there. And then I booked my own show.

Starting point is 01:27:40 Just had a wise guys do so like work on some new shit. And then, um, me and and Tom erupted the same agency. Yeah, you're there too. And I just kind of put a feeler out there like, hey, Trevor's going to be there. If you guys, you know, he just wants to watch the show. And then they were like, yeah, would he be down to cold open it? And I was like, fuck yeah. And at first they're like, do five minutes.

Starting point is 01:27:59 Now I'm like, just five minutes is so hard because you're like, what five minutes are people going to get to know me on? And then like, do seven. I was like, all right, great. And then like, do 10. And then because you're like, what five minutes are people gonna get to know me on? And then like do seven. I was like, all right, great. And then like do 10. And then I'm just like, great. Now I have like an actual opportunity

Starting point is 01:28:10 to do some bits in this. Yeah. And you're like, you realize, oh, these guys are too drunk to go to work right now. Yeah. Dude, they're standing in, okay? They're like burn is somewhere relapsed in a fucking six milligram Zinn Bender.

Starting point is 01:28:23 Too busy, blasting Bon Jovi with his tits out. But it was, fuck, I was so nervous. It was 13,000 people and I was like, no way. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking, it's insane. And there was cold open. So it was just like all the lights were on and then the lights were on.

Starting point is 01:28:38 Well, right before they announced me, they're like, all right, lights were on, they cut black and then they go, Trevor Wallace, like there was no like show begin It just like you know, I haven't cold opened somebody so hard so long Yeah, bro, I wrote one time I did a show Rogan invited me to do a show with him and Andrew Santino and it was in Atlanta and I was there just working the club or something. He's like you want to jump on my show? I was like sure we're standing backstage talking. I had no idea I was going on first. Literally, they announced out there, you go.

Starting point is 01:29:07 I walk out there, bro. It was a couple thousand people, so scared, couldn't fucking talk, didn't know some of my bits into some of those people were sitting down. I was so nervous. I was so nervous because like, obviously I've done stand-up thousands of times, but like 10 minutes in front of-

Starting point is 01:29:22 It's impossible. And the lineup is me, Bobby, Shane, Tom Burt. And I'm like, I don't, because as the first comic, if you kind of suck, you might steer the show in a weird direction. You know, I have the set in my head and I'm like, yeah, this is, here we go, we're just gonna do it. And then I'm just like nervous.

Starting point is 01:29:38 I get really like quiet before shows, just like, I don't know. And then like you're in the green room, it's fucking like I mean Guy Fieri's back there Jimmy Kimmel's back there, and you're just like All these people are gonna watch Yeah, but luckily when they announced my name like a good amount of the crowd it felt like they knew Or was at least aware of me and then I took the wrong way to get on the stage. I'm fucking panicking There's nothing worse the first time I did the comedy story same thing

Starting point is 01:30:05 I went the wrong like route you're like opening under the comedy store sign. You just look like an idiot Yeah, so I just went for in got a joke out as quick as possible It actually was it was really I think it was as good as it could have been for what it was It wasn't like standing ovation where the back I thought it was a great Cold open and burn Tom said nice things. Oh, it's amazing to get to do that show. I'm freaking jealous man to get to do that is amazing. Yes, I was in Super Bowl, but I didn't stay for Super Bowl.

Starting point is 01:30:31 Were you at the game? No, I didn't go man. I felt like it was gonna be, I don't know if I wanted to be around so much. Sometimes there's so much going on at those things. It's like everybody's trying to make videos. It just feels kind of like overwhelming, you know? It's not even about the game, it feels like.

Starting point is 01:30:45 Like everybody was there. Oh, totally. We're at this lunch spot in LeBron Walksby. And you're like, oh, LeBron's here. Ain't nobody even shit about me. Yeah. It was nuts. Guy, what's his name?

Starting point is 01:30:55 Gordon Ramsay was at the same bottle service, because I was with Sean and we went out to this club. And Gordon Ramsay just had a table. And they're like, why am I ever at the same table as Gordon Ramsay? Yeah. Sub is all. Oh dude, I went to Bobby Kennedy's birthday dinner. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:09 I mean, it's all just crazy the shit you end up in. And as weird as the world gets now, it's like the shit that's going on is even getting weird. So it's like, it was me, my friend Aaron, Bobby Kennedy, his wife, John Stockton and Mel Gibson. Just crazy. Just fucking. I was just like, in what world are we all together?

Starting point is 01:31:32 And for why? And what problem are we supposed to solve? Yeah. Like we had no, like it was, but just crazy sitting there just eating dessert, just talking to Mel Gibson. That's John Stockton? Yeah. One of the,

Starting point is 01:31:45 I think he was an all-time assist leader. I don't know if he still is or not. You ever met anybody that you were nervous by? Yeah, I think someone that goes away over time though, because you just get used to meeting people who are popular. For me still, it's any decent looking woman, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:32:04 You with hot chicks in interviews are always funny to me. Oh, it's any decent looking woman. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You, uh, with hot chicks and interviews are always funny. Oh, it's fucking hard. Anytime you do a hot chick on the pod, I feel like he turned it so shy. You're like, uh, you ever had a pudding before? Yeah. Like we could just cut to the ads. You're like, bring in a casserole right now. Yeah. 50,000 bonus points.

Starting point is 01:32:27 The comments are so funny because they're always just like, Utah, nervous Theo is on the hot chicks on. I know we got to get some more cool chicks in, man. Dude, they're out there. I know. We got to get some neat in. I want to get some fucking essayitas, you know? Some Latinas, man.

Starting point is 01:32:41 Oh, yeah. You should do, um... We want to get Peso Pluma. Oh, he'd be awesome. I sent a DM to the El Chapo's wife, man. Oh yeah, you should do, we wanna get Peso Pluma. Oh, he'd be awesome. I sent a DM to El Chapo's wife, dude, fuck. You should not be doing that, dude. It was a, I didn't know, I thought El Chapo was despacito or something, or, what is it called, not alive?

Starting point is 01:32:59 Decapitated? Muerto. I thought. Doesn't that mean Wednesday? Okay, what is it, Nick? Muerto is death. Okay, I thought he was... Yeah, death. I thought he was death and I thought... El Chapo?

Starting point is 01:33:18 Yeah, and I thought his wife had been in prison, so I was like, I... I just heard her narcole, she's got her prison, and I was like, oh, I'm gonna say what's up. Yeah. You know, I'm gonna freaking slide and see if I can get her on the pod You know, I guess I don't know crazy to get out of prison immediately get a really good. Oh trying to hop on the pod You should do gypsy Rose We hit her up But because everybody kept tagging us in some story like good gypsy rose and we hit her up

Starting point is 01:33:40 But she didn't reply back, but I think she just played and didn't she just play in like NBA All-Star Weekend or so? Did she really? I thought she did. Dude, they be putting everybody in that fucking game. They put anybody in that game. She was like, Jack Harlow guarding up on Gypsy Rose. Yeah, dude. That shit is crazy, bro.

Starting point is 01:33:58 Yeah, it's like the Easter Bunny fucking guarding Kid LaRoy or whatever. You're like, what's going on? Kid Rocks the Rep, dude. He's just blown a crack pipe instead of a whistle. the Easter Bunny fucking garden kid LaRoy or whatever. You're like, what's going on? Kid Rocks the Rep, dude. He's just blown a crack pipe instead of a whistle. What smoke cracks so bad? Bro, it looks warm.

Starting point is 01:34:14 Well, one of the best things about it I've heard is that you can stay up and get things done. I feel that so much. Cause Coke is just sometimes it's too erratic to get things done, but crack this so you can actually get some things done. I feel that so much. Cause Coke is just sometimes it's too erratic to get things done, but crack this so you can actually get some things done. The My Pillow guy, Michael, not sure of his name. Michael and Dell.

Starting point is 01:34:32 Michael and Dell, he has a book that I read and it's about his crack addiction. And how he held on to his brand the whole time. He was flying to Vegas on the weekends to stay up all night in gamble. He was like counting cards and he'd make just enough money to keep his pillow obsession going, yeah. He kept, he was flying to Vegas on the weekends to stay up all night in gamble. He was like counting cards and he'd make just enough money to keep his pillow

Starting point is 01:34:48 obsession going. Yeah. So he made a pillow company while cracked out. So he made something to sleep while he was never sleeping. It's fucking genius if you think about it. He's like, somebody's like, how does it feel? He's like, I have no idea.

Starting point is 01:35:00 I've never tried it. That's just where I hide my cocaine on flights. That's crazy to be a dig dig addicted to crack and make a pillow. That's hilarious. It is, bro. We should have him on just to hear about that story. I know some people have like, or, you know, people get. I like when business owners have like a good ordinance story.

Starting point is 01:35:20 Like I know people who used to be really addicted to heroin and now they have their own company. It's like, I feel like they fought through so much. Like I trust their business more almost. Yeah. Yeah, well a lot of addicts, you know, they're really capable. They just got caught up, you know, doing the wrong thing.

Starting point is 01:35:35 Cause people can get addicted to work and working well also, you know? Yeah, I feel like I'll have some of that. Do you feel like that? Yeah, for sure. I think if some of that, even if when we talk about it, you're always a little bit dialed in, like what do I want to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always thinking like, how can I like that? Yeah, for sure. I think if some of that, even if when we talk about it, you're always a little bit dialed in, like, what do I want to do?

Starting point is 01:35:46 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always thinking, like, how can I challenge myself? Yeah, it's weird. Sometimes I'm editing on a Saturday night, and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in my life? Why am I not at a rodeo or above the wild wings? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:35:57 Have you been to a rodeo? I don't, maybe as a child. Bro, it is one of the funnest things. It's so much fun. It looks awesome. Take a date, go to the rodeo. It's the best, it's the best event that I've been to in the past couple years.

Starting point is 01:36:13 I can't wait to go again, man. Do they serve food there? Yeah, they got food, they got like hot dogs and soda. Stuff like that. And what is the main event? They don't have salmon or anything, but the main event, well, the best things about it are they sometimes, they have the clowns out there and the barrels,

Starting point is 01:36:33 they got that shit going on. They have like the, where the people will ride the horse down and cut a barrel cutting, is it? Barrel racing. And they go around and like, they have to cut around the barrel as quick as they can on a horseback. So you're like trying to just U- they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like,

Starting point is 01:36:47 they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like,

Starting point is 01:36:58 they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like one thing where like they'll put the kids on like a little sheep or something and let the sheep run out. And there's just some kid just fucking, you know, they literally tied the kid onto the sheep and he's just, and then he'll fall right into the dirt every time. But it's just, it just feels like Americana and it feels like everybody's having a blast. That's what it's in for the same goal, you know. Look at that. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:26 Yeah. He's fucking no reverse on that. Yeah. That's a bold move. Dude, that's like when me and my brother were kids, we used to like if one of us had to like use the toilet and the other one did at the same time, the first one would get on and like face the back of the tank. And the second one would sit like back to back against him. Like the Hurley logo. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like the Hurley logo?

Starting point is 01:37:45 Yeah. Really? Yeah, like the Hurley logo. That's so funny. Yeah, I remember that. And it feels hella gay too, dude. If you're like straining your body and you can feel the other person straining their body,

Starting point is 01:37:57 you know? Oh yeah, the tensing. Yeah, so that was uncomfortable. Just get up and beat his ass. What the fuck did I just feel on my spinal cord? I'm going to wipe my ass and beat yours, you know? But that was always when you had to ride on the back of it. So when you were like hugging that tank,

Starting point is 01:38:15 it always felt fucking crazy. Yeah, I didn't have an older brother. I just had a sister. So I missed out on all those older brother memories where you just beat each other's ass for no reason. Yeah, dude. Having a brother, I think is it's, I think it's pretty amazing because there's just, you get another layer of the world, you know, yeah, like that.

Starting point is 01:38:33 But this dude's off to the side like fucking. Yeah, he's nerve. He's nerve like a gay dude on a horseback or something. That's the gayest thing you can do is if you're riding both legs. Kind of cool. He just hop off whenever you want. This is my shop and they just hop off. It's kind of cool Dude in Africa. I was in Kenya and they have like these taxis But you basically just get get on where the taxis just have like it's basically a Volkswagen van

Starting point is 01:38:57 Yeah, and they've taken like slogans from like American rap and they've they Fuck them up and they have them written all over the windows, you know, like bust these inwards or something, you know, just shit doesn't make it, you know, it's like, show that pussy bitch or whatever, just shit that's like, and it's just written in these weird fonts. And it's a taxi? And it's a taxi, you just get on,

Starting point is 01:39:17 you don't even know where it's going, it just keeps driving. You get on. Anywhere's better than here. That's it. And there'll be literally be 12 people inside of it. Really? Yeah, and it'll just have like, anywhere's better than here. That's it. And there'll be literally be 12 people inside of it. Really? Yeah, and it'll just have like,

Starting point is 01:39:29 we ready on the back, just all kind of like, just kind of urban slang, you know? Yeah. If you've ever been in Japan, I wanna, the subways look intense or everybody's just packed up in that bitch. The Japanese, it's so clean over there right here. Yeah, I feel like if you use sneeze, you get shot.

Starting point is 01:39:48 I, yeah, they're so clean. You ever been or no? Yeah, I've been, and I sort of remembered that good. But I do remember, it was like a homestay or something. I was doing this thing called Semester at Sea. Okay. And it was like a homestay, so you would go and just stay with the family.

Starting point is 01:40:05 I was just talking about this the other day with Trevor Bauer and he was on here, but it was like the family lets you stay with them as a Japanese family. So you literally just showed up on their door at a certain time and you had, and you just stayed there for a couple of nights. And do they pick you or you pick them or it's just like random? There was some program that linked you up. Yeah. And so then I showed up and we don't know what to say. So we'll just keep standing around doing that. Just keep bowing. And then we ate, like on the, we sat on the floor and ate. And then they let me sleep in their room.

Starting point is 01:40:33 There's only like three little rooms. And I don't know, they might've slept like in the wall or something like, and I slept on like a, like a thatched mat or something. There's no like real bedding. It's just like a little- You sleep okay? Yeah, I think I was fine.

Starting point is 01:40:47 And then, oh, one thing I remember I would hug. I gave the mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I met her. Just like, just where I'm from is pretty normal. So the next two days she kept having her friends come over and right when they come in the door, she'd go like this, you know? Cause she wanted me to hug him and get like just like- She's pimping you out.

Starting point is 01:41:03 Yeah, they just didn't have it. Dude, she's charging money like, come kiss the American boy. You should have no idea. So that was kind of, that was just kind of vibe, I guess. Did you know he worked in the red light district? Yeah, I might have. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:41:15 Yeah, that was the worst thing about the red light district was that it was so cold once you got in, there was no emotion. You're like, oh, there's no emotion in this. Small talk was interesting. It's just fast. They want you to bust and get back out on the street. I was nervous. I was probably about 60% chub because it's hard to be like, Oh yeah,

Starting point is 01:41:32 there's no emotion. It's like weird. There's small talk. There's just still drying from the last guy. It felt like a doctor's office that they want you to come real fast at. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There's like a guy high fiving me on the way in. I'm like, Oh, gross. You know, and then there's shirts, but that my one had merch or something. You were leaving. Yeah. I should start doing that. Look up that red light district merch.

Starting point is 01:41:54 Yeah, but see if they have any cardigans, whatever, from the red light. Yes, you can't take photos when you're walking through because, you know, a lot, you know, it's, it's very private. A lot of people don't want it to get back to their families. But you think about something with like the rabies and metaglasses. Have you seen those? They record and they just look like normal glasses. So you could just be in there. No, you can anywhere Bro, you could be fucking at a matinee. Remember how mad movies used to get they big. Hey, don't record this shit Now that's the only thing companies want you to do is record their shit record it and then post it

Starting point is 01:42:26 It's like oh cool. We have a movie screenshot it and put on tiktok Yeah, so dude you could just wear that and walk around But if you take a phone they like yelling start banging on the windows like what the fucking fall away? That's crazy. So this is recording stuff these glasses. They're showing really good Have you tried the new thing that people are doing with the? Apple vision. Yeah. Yeah, I the Apple vision? Yeah, I tried them. No way. Yeah, I tried Apple vision pros.

Starting point is 01:42:47 They're pretty cool. I borrowed them from a friend. I don't know the benefit of it. It's just like rich people to get away from their families, I think. Bert would love these. I know. But you just put them on and then you can,

Starting point is 01:42:57 like you just, it's not full VR, it's augmented reality, I guess. So any screen, like if you had YouTube screen, you could make it as big or as small as you want it Which I kind of I know the benefit is yeah, but you can like scroll Twitter over here and like watch Oh, yeah, I made a video on it. Oh, but it's all happening in front of you. Yeah, but you can place shit around you So there's yeah, so so go there So like that's what it looks like like the joke in this is I'm playing like so boys server while she's talking to me

Starting point is 01:43:22 And that's real so you could be talking to someone in front of you and be playing, I have a window open somehow virtually between you guys that you see through the, you could be on a date with the girl and realistically be watching a The Ovan podcast. Wow. So it's, I don't know the benefit of it is like, if you just want to, I don't really know,

Starting point is 01:43:40 like sit on your couch and not have a TV. Like the joke in this at the very end of the video I do is the guy lives in a studio apartment by himself and he's so lonely and he's like, I have everything I ever wanted, a TV, a kitchen, a hot wife and just by himself. So I think it's great if you're lonely, but I don't know the full appeal of it quite yet.

Starting point is 01:44:03 Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, this looks like I'd rather just use my computer. You also look insane. You look like you should be in the Salem Witch Trials. Yeah. I can't believe that was real. You accuse somebody of being a witch and they're like to the lake.

Starting point is 01:44:17 Yeah. Oh, this, bro, there's a, yeah, can you imagine that? Like if you were a witch, the Salem witch trials bring these, what happened to these bitches? This, well, we got to know, man, the Salem witch trials occurred in colonial Massachusetts. Well, it shot out Amherst, bro. It's just there.

Starting point is 01:44:37 This would happen. Um, yeah, probably by UMass, um, between early 1692 and mid 1693. So bro, this was a short, this was a year and a half, more than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft. Yeah, probably all Geminized too. Only 20 were executed, so 10% out of the 200. I wonder what made them think that they really were.

Starting point is 01:44:58 That's a great question. Yeah, can you see what determined if a witch was killed during the settlement witch trials? And witches are fake, right? So those 20 got got, and they weren't witches, right? Well, I think there was also some people at that time that was witching. Oh. I would guess, you know?

Starting point is 01:45:15 Yeah. Cause somebody's gonna fucking witch. If you're chilling that much, there's nothing to do. Yeah, that is true. It's a good side hustle. Most accusers were teenage girls, mostly populated by Puritan Salem village. It was virtually impossible to disprove charges

Starting point is 01:45:29 of witchcraft in Salem and defendants were convicted with no evidence other than personal accusations. Wow. The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies. And that's where the jury duty came from. The presence of a devil's mark on their body. So that's if you had like a birthmark. Damn, oh fuck. Oh my God, had like a birthmark. Damn, fuck.

Starting point is 01:45:45 Odd-Bing-God, I got a birthmark right here. Drew Brees would have been. Ow. What were some of the tests? Does it say? So unfair. Which swimming was a practice of tying up and dunking the accused into a body of water

Starting point is 01:45:58 to determine whether they sink or float? Sinking to the bottom indicated that the accused was innocent while floating indicated a guilty verdict. Aren't you if you're a little larger you float more? Yeah, so a thin lady wasn't a witch. Right. Anybody who might have been plus side was a floating, indicating guilt sandwich. Yeah. Dude, that's crazy though. So you just, man, that would be the worst cause it's basically being the dunk tank or whatever. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:28 I don't like, like, how would you make yourself sink if you were a witch? We just hold your breath. I would swim down to the bottom too. I'm sure you're like back there about to go out and they're like, Hey, do you have any tips or whatever? Nervous. Yeah. Like, yeah, I'm nervous.

Starting point is 01:46:41 You're swimming at the bottom. Yeah. How long do you have to be at the bottom before you indicated that you're innocent? And then even if you're innocent and you come back up, during the Salem witch trials in 1692 and 1693, there were several tests used to determine if someone was a witch.

Starting point is 01:46:56 The touch test, the afflicted person, someone who claimed to be under the influence of witchcraft, would convulse or exhibit symptoms in the presence of the accused. If the afflicted person stopped convulsing upon touching the accused, it was believed to be the evidence of witchcraft. Wow.

Starting point is 01:47:12 Dude, the saddest one is number six, just confession. Fuck it, I'm a witch. That's just somebody who's just like, I'm done with this planet. Wow, confession. Many accused individuals were coerced or tortured into confessing to witchcraft. That's kind of sad.

Starting point is 01:47:24 Ah. Physical examination for of sad. Ah. Physical examination for witches marks, number five. The accused would be searched for supposed physical marks believed to be sons of witchcraft, such as moles birthmarked for scars. Dude, what if you just have a mole on your back and they're like, this is a fricking chocolate chip of hell? Yeah, that's witchcraft.

Starting point is 01:47:39 That's the devil trying to communicate with us. You're a mole. Yeah, that's crazy. Damn. That would be so tough, because then you're always out after this. I bet for that year and a half, people are acting like they're not witches.

Starting point is 01:47:51 Not a witch, yeah. Like you can't even sneeze, you can't blow out candles. Like imagine it's your birthday and like blow out these candles. Yeah, can't do that. You see a broom, you have to be like, oh, what is that? Yeah, yeah. Why don't I beat my husband in the head with it, huh?

Starting point is 01:48:06 Why don't I beat my astro man in the head with it? Yeah, wait, people usually used to fly? What the fuck? He was like, don't do drugs in his wife, just do the fucking head. And people were like, God, he's bleeding. The school assemblies, it's just on set like WWE. Like it just makes you to wrestle or do drugs.

Starting point is 01:48:25 Well, you were always, it was such a crazy time to see everybody too. Cause nothing, the first one we ever had, I remember in junior high and middle school, kids were peeing on the heaters in the bathroom that was old school heaters and it would steam up the bathroom. So yes, you couldn't even like walk it like you couldn't see. Piss me. So people were just, steam up the bathroom. Like a sauna? Yes, you couldn't even like walk it like you couldn't see. You just piss me off.

Starting point is 01:48:47 Piss me dude. So people were just making it, oh, just making it fucking steam up in there. That's horrendous. And then you'd see some dude in there with a shirt off. Like what the fuck? Kind of things that are equinox. This trank addict doing.

Starting point is 01:49:02 What kind of? That was kind of crazy. But then as you got in a junior high or high school to the assemblies were just because you got to sit with your boys And me see your boys outside of class and shit. It was fun It was so did you guys have talent shows and stuff like that. I think we did oh we had talent shows dude Do you ever sign up? Uh, I got to host it one time with my friend Rebecca. Yeah, that's pretty cool And yeah, this girl played piano at one time and I'd never heard a girl play piano before

Starting point is 01:49:28 and she sang bro. She's a fucking witch. I'd be fucking cooked for the next day. I was like, that bitch is gonna sing. That sounds like a ringtone. Fry her ass. Damn. Yeah, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:49:45 I don't know if we ever had a, that was the only assembly we had was that. I don't think we had other ones. Pep rallies were pretty cool. Pep rallies. What was that, just to get fired up on the school? Yeah. It's like fourth of July for your school.

Starting point is 01:49:56 Yeah, it was like, we're gonna win. And we never won, dude. People were like, are we gonna win? That was even like the most hopeful sign that somebody would make. Are we gonna win? If you have to have the hopeful sign that somebody would make, are we gonna win? If you have to have the prep rally, you're not gonna win. Your school's already filled with losers.

Starting point is 01:50:08 We need to cheer ourselves up. Yeah, we might not win some of the signs. Yeah, above school's never had those rallies. Oh, bro, our school was, we could not win, shit, dude. We guys go to any sports, because our school's like really good at tennis and swimming, you know, white people. Oh, really? That's hella white. We had ROTC, like really good at tennis and swimming. We don't wipe people.

Starting point is 01:50:25 Oh really? That's hella white. We had ROTC, like the wooden gun gang or whatever. Those dudes that would like, yeah, the guy would flash his wooden gun during school or whatever, you're like, what the fuck are you doing? He'd be like, you can finish that blueberry muffin? You're like, yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:38 And he's like, what about now? He has two splinters on his hand. Dude, then the kids from Woodshop come up and back you up. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Leave him alone, Corbin. Put the cookies down. Those kids were crazy, right? That was kind of fun.

Starting point is 01:50:51 If you took Woodshop in high school, you were a stoner. You just either made a birdhouse, you made a bong. That was it. You're like, I made a fucking pipe or something. Yeah, somebody's always trying to make their sister like a little table or something, or there's always something real sad going on in there. Like a sparrow.

Starting point is 01:51:08 A box for, yeah, there's wood shop bombs right there. Wish I was just like a stoner's dream. You just do nothing all day except labor work and you have a fucking love this class. And the crazy part was the saws were always going to, nobody could hear anybody in the class. The teacher's giving instructions that nobody can hear. Yeah, if you want.

Starting point is 01:51:30 What a waste of a class, but in the best way. Do we, I don't know if I talked about this before, but I had to. If we had the science teacher in 11th grade and he, I think he got fired because he's staring at girls tits. He would sit this girl in the front row. I think I talked about this maybe on here before, but he'd sit this girl on the front row and we would count cause it's a hot chick. I think I talked to us maybe on here before, but he'd sit this girl in the front row and we would count, cause there's a hot chick

Starting point is 01:51:46 and me and my friend next to her, we'd count and we'd look at her tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy dude. Like blatant. Oh yeah, and you got a support guy. Whose team are you on? I was there for a good game.

Starting point is 01:51:59 You know, it's like two teams in Super Bowl you don't care about, but it's a good team for some matchup, cause she would lean into it. She would like fuck with him. Yeah. Super Bowl you don't care about, but it's a good team for some matchup because she would lean into it. She'd like fuck them. Yeah. He probably is not doing well now, but. Yeah, there was always this chicks that started to know they had power over the teacher too.

Starting point is 01:52:12 And they would just like wear like, um, yeah, like show more tits. Um, test day coming up. Yeah, dude. We had a guy who came in the class. He started, this was the first you'd ever heard talk about kombucha, right? This is 20 years ago. This dude came in and started yelling. He had a huge thing of like a big, huge glass jar he made of kombucha and water, whatever.

Starting point is 01:52:38 And he's telling everybody, he's like, this is the secret of the future, right? This will change your life. And then he would like go into like the little closet that was attached to the classroom and come out like 30 minutes later and people were like, what the fuck bro? Was it just making a boot back there? We have no idea what he was doing, but it was so bizarre.

Starting point is 01:52:56 And then he came because our main teacher got busted, dating a girl at school. They put a wire on her and they were gonna run off together and the cops caught them somewhere like on the highway. And we all kind of felt, I mean obviously it was messed up, but everybody just was like, man, it was sick, everybody loved him too, he was an awesome teacher.

Starting point is 01:53:17 He didn't seem like a bad guy. I think there's, I think a lot of, I think some dudes that teach never, their brain never leaves high school too, you know? No, I mean, they're just surrounded by high school. And then eventually they're just like, these are my coworkers, question mark? It's a, yeah, yeah, I don't know. It's when these guys get busted for it, it's sad as fuck.

Starting point is 01:53:38 Yeah. Yeah, the whole thing's just sad, you know? Yeah. Did you see those Trump sneakers that came out? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The funniest comment Did you see those Trump sneakers that came out? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The funniest comment was like, those are the January sixes.

Starting point is 01:53:49 Oh. Shit, I mean, fucking crying. Can we see a photo of them? They're just, they look like Hulk Hogan or like... Oh, they do kind of, I didn't even think about that. Or, fuck, what's his name? Rick Flair. They just look like they make you wanna go, whoo!

Starting point is 01:54:03 Yeah, they kind of a hacksaw Jim Duggan vibe too. They kind of have that 80s like, I wonder if a lot of black dudes would sport these as well. These might be pretty tough, man. Yeah, dude, you could probably flip those pretty good on stock X. Can you see them? Can we get a better look at them next? They should have like a song that plays when you walk in them.

Starting point is 01:54:21 Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want to be American. I think you could have, what would you have? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Each step. Yeah, each step is another note. Yeah, you gotta complete the song.

Starting point is 01:54:35 That shit should have Heelys in it. Oh, yeah. But it has like a little mudflap behind it. Bro, those are actually kind of fucking tough, bro. Do you think we can get a pair of those, Nick? Yes, for everybody. Can I have one? How about this?

Starting point is 01:54:55 Let's start with a pair. And then we'll let everybody choose if they want that, if they do want those, or if we all want them, I don't know. Those can be in a museum one day. And in like a hundred years, they're gonna be like, what the fuck was going on in 2024? The air trumps dude?

Starting point is 01:55:11 But that's just where we are. It's like, what if they had like, you know, people from the past like political, like what if you had the, the Frederick Douglass high tops? Yeah, dude. You know? Man, those would be kind of hard.

Starting point is 01:55:24 Abe Lincoln III's dog? Yeah, the Yeah, oh the fucking Harriet Tubman Crocs Wait so Donald Trump booed while promoting three hundred ninety nine dollars sneakers one day after court orders and we pay 355 million Oh, he got booed Yeah, what do they do is if he did you just you never know that's the thing about the news now You don't know what happened. Yeah, but are they booing the shoe or the fact that the court ordered him so much money? Yeah, that's a good question. They don't tell you the shoe He's pulling well, but you can picture the guy who's gonna wear those he's got like an affliction t-shirt He's got the faux-hawk you think yeah, I think so he's got a couple like sight like lion shaving the side of his head I could see those doing well for some reason because there's just something in the

Starting point is 01:56:09 Like because a lot of like the culture supports Trump, you know like a lot of like a lot of black folk support Trump You know it really came around. It's like a lot a lot of blighters like that's my guy Yeah, so it's kind of interesting. I wonder you show one rapper sport in those dude, and it's a fucking touchdown. You know, now he's sold a lot of weird shit on his. Oh, here it is right here. Oh, he's at sneaker con. The beginning booed and saying thank you is a power move, I will say. Trump just does whatever he's supposed to do, huh? He didn't even know there he is

Starting point is 01:56:49 This is not what he's that sneaker calling. Let's see. Well, I don't think that's his audience. He's got to go to like a TGI Fridays But is that what happened is that AI you just don't know that's a thing now Can you go to the website what it looks like it's like get trump sneakers.com. Yeah, that's what I want to see Because they also sell that uh 47 cologne 45 cologne Trump has his own cologne, bro. Really? Yeah, I mean like do think about how much merch hello kitty has like we might as well like fucking double down They hello kid. He's making bags just existing. Yeah, which is crazy. There's an Asian cat Not being compromised in his fucking home country, okay? Yeah, I think it was website, I think it was Get Trump Shoes or something like that.

Starting point is 01:57:35 Yeah, what did that say, Get Trump Sneakers or something? Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, I mean, if I'm him, yeah, I'm selling everything. He gets as much money as you can, but I mean, he's already so goddamn rich. I Don't know. But it is so 355 million from there. Oh, maybe that's why there's a lot of these courts now They're trying to break his bank now. That's another thing you're doing like I'm not saying he's not guilty of some of this stuff But they're really hashing out. He sold out. Wow. Oh, they only had a thousand pairs each are numbered

Starting point is 01:58:01 I just got that pre-order for the Tesla. The Cybertruck? Yeah, really? Have you seen one in person yet? There's two options. They said there's a regular option that comes out in May Or there's a cyber beast that comes out Probably in like December. What'd you do? I don't know. It's kind of you kind of want it soon Yeah, I mean, I've never like I've been holding out for like a year and a half to wait to get myself a new vehicle Yeah, so part of me is like maybe I should just get it but the cyber beast has um Holy shit The cyber beast has like the bar across the top with like the light bar and stuff the cyber truck doesn't have that okay

Starting point is 01:58:40 Are they bulletproof? Yeah, and that's one thing that I'm excited about dude dude, shit gets fa- it's weird in the world. Yeah. It's weird in the world these days. What else you got going on, man? Are you thinking about doing new stuff? Where's your like production brain act? Cause you're always kind of thinking of what's new

Starting point is 01:58:55 or what's new. It's like, what do you see kind of happening in like technology or in like performance or like what's like keeping you excited? God, keep me excited, man. Um. If you don't have any answer, that's fine. Did you say something, Nick?

Starting point is 01:59:09 Nope. Okay, sorry. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm just building up material again, which is kind of fun. It's like terrifying just because like lately I've been doing all new shit and then I'll end with like an old joke from the special

Starting point is 01:59:19 and the barometer with the old shift on the special gets versus some of the new stuff. It's tough, but when that new stuff really starts hitting, it's fucking exciting. So I'm in the role of that, just doing shows and shit really. Have you been down in the mother shit? I have, I did kill Tony out there. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:59:36 Yeah, that was fun. Bro, the success of Kill Tony, can we look at that for a second? It's crazy. He sold out Madison Square Garden. I think twice. Unbelievable. Yeah, from the belly room to that. I mean, it's fucking awesome. I out Madison Square Garden. I think twice. Unbelievable. Yeah, from the belly room to that.

Starting point is 01:59:46 I mean, it's fucking awesome. I mean, I usually watch it pretty much every Monday. It's like, really, it's a very well structured show. And dude, one thing I'll say, the best sets that I've had on stage in a club this year were at the mother's, I think because there's no phones. So you know you're safe. So your brain knows you're safe. So your brain knows you're safe.

Starting point is 02:00:06 And I think your brain is like more liable to do its best work if it knows that it's not gonna be compromised or it can get something wrong. You know? And acoustically, it sounds good too. Yeah, it's great down there. It's fun, comfortable.

Starting point is 02:00:20 But yeah, this Kylton is unbelievable. Dude, the other night I'm watching, there's 81,000 people watching at the same time. Oh, live. 81,000. Do you know how hard it is to get 81,000 people to do something? I go Instagram live, I pull a dick out, and I'm maybe up to 3,000.

Starting point is 02:00:38 Yeah, that's crazy. Well, it's the biggest live podcast. It's fucking awesome. It's huge. It's uncudos to him. It's launching careers. And I huge. It's uncudos to him. It's launching careers. And I mean, kudos to Red Band.

Starting point is 02:00:47 Yeah, it's unbelievable. It's the gong show. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it's America's got people. Yeah. Well, that's also what it is. It's like the lab factory open mic got really weird for a while.

Starting point is 02:01:05 Like when I was doing it early on like 2015, it's like because people are flying from Florida, it'd be like, this is my one chance at making it in Hollywood. So now I think kill Tony's that where yeah, it's a lot of Austin comics, but it's also people who are flying in from fucking Chugwater Wyoming to be like,

Starting point is 02:01:20 today's my day. And it might be some people get up there and they're in front of a million people, 81,000 live and they have no material. They're up there just like, today's my day. And it might be. Some people get up there and they're in front of a million people, 81,000 live, and they have no material. They're up there just like, I just wanted to say hi, Tony. But it's like, yeah, like you said, America's got talent. You wanna see people bomb, you wanna see people do good. And the hilarity of it too is they give them one minute,

Starting point is 02:01:38 right, which is- Which you're not, you can't. It's impossible. It's so hard. And then, then they get to rip the guy in 11 new assholes for 20 minutes. Professional comedian versus a guy who was told he was funny at a gender reveal six months ago.

Starting point is 02:01:57 I mean, this structure is like so in favor of Tony. And Tony's so good at it. Tony is so fucking funny and quick with it. But yeah, to do a minute, like, I was talking about doing five minutes at the arena show, a minute in front of all, like to get a premise out where people like, right off the bat, like you.

Starting point is 02:02:14 I mean, dude, I mean, I was, you've been a judge on it, right? How quiet the crowd gets when that person grabs a mic to start their minute. I mean, it is dead silent. I was right next to this guy. He was bombing. I could feel the pulse in his dick just shriveling up.

Starting point is 02:02:30 I mean, dude, I mean, this guy went up and immediately insulted the crowd. And I just had like the second hand embarrassment. You could feel everybody turn so quick on it. Dude, I mean, like, quieter than quiet. It's so tough. It's so, the audio man's successful. And then they literally rip.

Starting point is 02:02:50 They have no chill for anybody. Dude, go to the guy, I forget what he was wearing, but he had like a button up T-shirt. Maybe you can scroll around and keep going. But he walks out and immediately insults the audience. And the thing with the show is like, this show is so big and their fans are so loyal

Starting point is 02:03:05 that these people love Tony, they love the show. So you insulted, no, not that guy, he was actually really sweet, looked like Johnny Sins. It might've been earlier. I wish I had the fucking Apple provisions. Keep going. Wow, how would that help you right now? Just kind of like a scroll in my face

Starting point is 02:03:19 and fucking do a little thing and find it. Keep going. This guy opens and he literally insults the crowd and then just proceeds to eat shit for a minute It's coming up. It might be after this guy. It's not it might be after David Yeah, I mean it's launching careers like people are getting People know what camp Patterson. I want to go spend time this guy go to the beginning of a set He's I love cam cams really funny. Yeah, dude Spent time with this guy go to the beginning of a set. He's I love cam cams really funny. Yeah, dude

Starting point is 02:03:50 Go to the beginning dude, I mean you can feel how tense it is up there. Yeah, that should be What's going on y'all, oh, thank you you ugly people Thank you for coming out. I appreciate that. I know what you're thinking. Why is my GTA drug dealer? But yeah, 300 people just, you can think you're just setting yourself up for gist. You ugly people.

Starting point is 02:04:16 Yeah, I wonder what inside of him made him think that that was just good, nervous. Yeah, and it is a rose show, so you're kind of like off the- Yeah, there's a blind dude there. Yeah, Yeah, it's a painted that one got black that Sunny and Brian Simpson Yeah, that's good. And then here's the crazy part. They have the Jim Norton right there. There's black Brian They have Brian Smith is basically the black red band. Yeah, you don what's going on here, dude. It's so good.

Starting point is 02:04:45 I saw an episode recently, this guy went up there and opened with like, oh, it's great to be on like, America's Got Talent like trailer park edition, and then ate shit for a minute. And the second is minute was up, Tony was like, huh, America's the trash version. And then you just bought like, I think that everybody is there for Tony in the show.

Starting point is 02:05:02 So when you talk shit about the show, you haven't earned it, like they turn on you so quickly. You got to respect it, man. But like being next to it, you could just feel how tense it was. I mean, to do a minute, I mean, it's a fucking God awful format for a new standup.

Starting point is 02:05:17 But if you do well, it launches your career. Well, it's just amazing what they're doing. It's amazing that they're doing that with a table, a couple of cameras, and a comedy stage. A table, they're fucking set up, it's a, you know. It's a podcast. Yeah, they used that for a potluck the other day. Yeah, they're probably gonna try and get bought out,

Starting point is 02:05:35 but like how the show is right now is perfect. And like, you really don't need to change anything, honestly. I mean, in Wildway, yeah, if you could travel with that show for the next couple of years and do it on the road and bring it to people. Dude, it's huge. I can recognize for being on that show more than just not more but but just like random so I saw you on kill Tony It's like yeah, oh, it's the number one thing that I hear people say a lot just like oh that kind of just surprised me like

Starting point is 02:05:55 Oh, yeah, we just were a fluid Austin for kill Tony. Yeah. Well, it's also a big There's a big community in it where like It's almost exciting. We're like the like the red will kind of go crazy. Oh, her Theo is the guest on this week's episode. Cause since they bank shoot, they don't really know, but it's like, oh, Theo's an Austin. That people start doing the dots and shit.

Starting point is 02:06:14 Putting things up. Yeah. It's kind of like a fun cause it brings all corners of the comedy world in it and there's those characters. It's like a reality show, honestly. Yeah. You want to see him want to see what's going on with their life. Yeah, man.

Starting point is 02:06:24 Um, I ended up crazy moments at Rick flair moment where he just said I'm going to bed or whatever that he didn't understand The concept of it. Yeah, was he hammered. He's just like a stop roasting these people I will never say anything bad about a veteran That's like Tony's icon right there too. He loves it. I'm not a veteran Going to bed. He, the one there was one the other day with Mark Norman that was so funny. It's all this on there. Yeah, that's Rick Flair leaving. Yeah, what else do you think about doing a film or do you start to piece in these

Starting point is 02:07:01 stuff? I know you were talking about doing a TV show at one point. Yeah, I've touched some stuff. I'm kind of working with a few people on something, but I think my main focus is anything that I can make. I don't want to be like it's too many, uh, I guess roadblocks going to some of these. So I'll show interest if somebody wants to work with me. I'll be like, Hey, I'm down, but like, you got to come to me. Like this is what I'm working on. So you got to like equal that or like meet me halfway. I think yeah, some do a lot of that, that But really just trying to elevate what I'm already doing just shoot more sketches put on more shit try different formats YouTube's in a weird place where it's like what they want is very different. It's very like like sketch comedy

Starting point is 02:07:36 I wouldn't say it's dead, but it's not in the forefront. You know people want to be talked to You know, they want to like you want to do stuff to a camera like If I was doing a sketch instead of being like me and you in the sketch, I would just do like POV and then the camera is you just like talking to me because people just want to be talked to. So I don't really know what the fuck is going on the internet.

Starting point is 02:07:56 Like I think I do and that I post something and then a week later it's not really that. So I don't really know. Yeah, it's tough to know. It's tough to know. And it's tough to know if you're just like a lull in the vibe that week of humanity. No idea.

Starting point is 02:08:07 People are studying for exams or people are taking away on vacation or something. It's hard to know what's up. Power outage and Little Rock. You never really know. Sometimes I think about going down to Austin though for a while. Yeah. Yeah, just because there is a sense. There's an energy down there that's exciting. It is exciting.

Starting point is 02:08:26 You know, my openers chance Willie is moving down there from Nashville. Yeah. And there's just an energy there. It's like, yeah, it's fun. You go up in the room, Ron White sitting in there. Shane Gillis is there now. You know, Tim Dillon pops in and out. Do you ever get to like a small little condo over there? That's what I think I would probably do Do you ever get to like a small little condo over there? That's what I think I would probably do. Just get a house or a small house

Starting point is 02:08:47 or just something real. Well, something. Nothing fancy or anything. Just a place where I could go and be there and maybe try it for a month or two, you know? Yeah, where are you getting up now? We're just doing the shows. I'm in Nashville now, but I'm going to Australia tonight.

Starting point is 02:09:01 Tonight? Yeah. Holy shit. That flight is crazy. Yeah, it's gonna be long Yeah, do you take anything on flights or no? You just sit there with your thoughts and think about life Yeah, I'll just take Night quell probably yeah, cuz that a little bit of a feverish it but that Mormon per 30 right Howling you in Australia for that's all the black Mormons to do show hey show up, huh?

Starting point is 02:09:23 Yeah, if you're a black Mormon man, send in a video, we wanna connect with you guys and have some fellowship with you guys. How long did I stay out here for? Three weeks. Yeah, that's long. So we did a month, just yeah, we wanted to take some days off

Starting point is 02:09:37 and I just wanna be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over there, you know? Yeah, it's so fun. Yeah, dude, there's no guns out there, it's crazy. Wow. There's like none. I saw a cop arresting you guns out there. It's crazy. Wow. There's like none I saw a cop arresting you guys like get down your finger and the guy just went like this Then you just folded him in he's like dude now. It's pointed at me Start making out fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, if you see if you go to Brisbane, you can just point a finger gun at a cop

Starting point is 02:09:57 Yeah, don't do that But yeah, they don't have guns out there apparently in the 80s or the 90s There's one's massacre shooting. And then they all were like, hey, bring your gun here, we're getting rid of them for $500. You give us your gun, we'll give you 500 bucks. Everybody just did it.

Starting point is 02:10:12 They should roll up in the, and American do that shit, especially in the fucking hood, man. Yeah, but somebody would get shot at that event. Yeah, but still, dude. Turn those choppers over. Dude, a couple of young bangers shot up the fucking chief's parade. Did you see that? I didn't see that. Dude, can couple of young bangers shot up the fucking chiefs parade.

Starting point is 02:10:25 Did you see that? I didn't see that. Dude, can you imagine your team wins the Super Bowl and somebody's rolling up shooting? Just heartbreaking, man. Dude, I mean, fucking the more and more there is, that Cybertruck is sounding a little more alike. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 02:10:39 That's funny because everything follows suit. Like when push to start cars started, it was like rare and it was luxury. Now like Ikea Sorrento's got them. So in the future, Nissan Altimos are gonna be bulletproof, which let's be honest, they should have been bulletproof already, okay? Nissan Altimos are like the hood car.

Starting point is 02:10:56 When did that happen? Well, it used to be the Honda Civic, man. When I was coming up, yeah, there was a lot of like, a lot of kind of thicker white chicks would date a brother and She would have the Honda Civic and he would drop her off at work in her car Yeah, and then now everything's changed and now it's the What do you say these are ultimates? Yeah, dude, you see one of those pull up fully tinted Do they tint the front window too? That's how you know somebody has a gun. I saw the headlights

Starting point is 02:11:21 See the fucking headlights Yeah, it's definitely like a oh shit we fucking headlights. Exactly. Yeah, it's definitely like, oh, shit, we should go inside car. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but the rest of these sounds are like family cars, like you just get like a, like a tundra. Yeah, it's a chill car. You put ultimating, like somebody's getting shot. Those are nice, dude. There's a lot of nice cars now. A lot of cars look cool now. Like almost every car does. Even the new Prius new Prius you're like, okay. Yeah, I'll get a handy one of those

Starting point is 02:11:49 Did you see Zuckerberg at the UFC fight? Oh, yeah, wasn't he like just hanging out with the boys I can't like pass in t-shirts over him. Just so bizarre like so he's helping Somebody get into the ring right now. Yeah, he walked out with Volk. Man. He walked out with Volkanovsky. Dude, this is me when my phone dies and I'm at a restaurant with my friends. Oh, man, that's tough. Oh. Dude, he's like bobbing his head,

Starting point is 02:12:19 like he's listening to like Bob Marley, one love. Yeah, it's almost like he's just so in his head, like, okay, this is how you seem normal. He's like, he doesn't know how to be normal. He's worth like $150 billion. But he can't pay to be normal. He doesn't know how. He thinks, hey, spin a bill on normal and up.

Starting point is 02:12:35 Yeah, bro. Hire a city to come over once a week. And be like, hey, this is fucking St. Louis. This is how you're gonna be for a week. Drinking water. Yeah, like, that is fucking St. Louis. This is how you're gonna be for a week. Drinking water. Yeah, like, that's so bizarre. He doesn't know how to just be- He's a computer, man.

Starting point is 02:12:51 It's, you know, we're just talking about this whole day. That's where we are. He's a computer. Yeah, he's like, how do I drink water appropriately? What do I do now? I mean, when he's at home, like, you gotta imagine, like, he's not chewing his food for him. You know he sleeps

Starting point is 02:13:06 In a coffin. Oh, yeah, it's got like their guns in it and shit But I think somebody chews up his food and gives it to him. Yeah, when you're that rich. I don't think you do anything Oh, I would hire a strong Mexican guy to cuddle my wife. I'd have butter my bread. Oh Have you seen the guy that's- What I have. How rich. Have you seen the guy that's what? He takes his, he's trying to be like the youngest guy in the world, he takes his son's blood.

Starting point is 02:13:33 If he's it. Johnson is his name, right? You gotta get him on the show. He's a fucking character. Really? Not in a good way. And he's eating his son's blood? Yeah, it's really weird, but he's like doing these things.

Starting point is 02:13:44 He like measures his erections at night. He's like, I want to have the erection of a 21 year old. It's like, it's a little fucking weird, dude. You want to get hard every time you see Spike TV pop up on screen. Fuck yeah. It's fucking weird. It's really weird. And he looks not amazing for how much he's doing.

Starting point is 02:14:02 Brian Johnson, the tech founder, spending millions to be 18 against his goal is to make death optional Yeah They sell me two things in life for certain death in Texas billionaire biohacker Brian Johnson doesn't subscribe to that opinion The tech entrepreneur has gained notoriety for two million dollar a year anti-aging routine. He's named the blueprint protocol He also aging routine. He's named the blueprint protocol. Um, he also sub, uh, for Johnson, this entails eating his last meal at 11 AM, sleeping alone, taking more than a hundred supplements a day. Uh, he also subjects himself to a vast array of tests and experiments, blood plasma, triad, transfusions, micro needling, full body, LED exposure, and MRI scans. Name a few. Wow.

Starting point is 02:14:43 So he goes through all that and then type in his name and his age and then guess how old he is or type enough photo of him and then guess how old he is. Okay, don't tell me how old he is. Just let's get a photo of him up, Nick, please. Like, so this guy is spending his, he's a tech millionaire, maybe billionaire. He's loaded a temple grandin though.

Starting point is 02:15:01 I mean, he's full of temple grandin. Grandin though. I mean he I don't he's temple grandin And she was one of the first trans cattle ranchers really oh I can see it this guy This guy maybe spent so much money. That's if get that even in the red shirt. No, no Get that red one. No, uh

Starting point is 02:15:29 Top right there. There it is Yeah, so this guy's paying billions of dollars like Temple Grandin, dude Yes, so how old do you think you any spending millions of dollars? He sleeps alone his last meal's 11 am he has a hundred pills a day and he takes his son's blood Which is so weird. Hey son, you might have put down fortnight real quick daddy needs some sucky suck this guy at Salem witch trials Would be drowned for even blinking How the fuck's behind those eyes? Brian Johnson, I would say he is I Would say he's 42 years old.

Starting point is 02:16:05 46. Okay. But like, I feel like you see people out in Hollywood that look like that. I mean, it's all from plastic surgery and they're all gonna fucking. Yeah, he looks just like one of those people that does too much to their face

Starting point is 02:16:18 and it makes them look like strange. Yeah. You know? Like at a certain point, you just start to look strange. What's that shirt with a picture with him with no shirt on? That's interesting. There's Madonna right there and I mean it's all like Without plastic surgeon and listen, he'll live longer than I will

Starting point is 02:16:35 Yeah, he'll be cremated and turn into a fucking dumbbell or something, but I mean we got to get Temple Grandin on here Yeah, it's just like, it's just an interesting, I don't know. Yeah, he looks like a bad guy in one of those Hannibal Lecter movies. He looked like the first bad guy who was like lactose intolerant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:16:58 Like to one carton of milk and this guy is out for a week. This guy's all in there, shit, dude. I went to his chick's house. You did? Yeah. I agree, you're dating her friend. Two different stories. Oh, then I have a question for you.

Starting point is 02:17:09 I went to this girl's house and she had a squatty potty. I'll never be able to look at her again the same. And what is that? It's where you put your feet up like this. Oh, on that thing. Yeah, so you shit harder. Wow. And are you shitting for like impact or something?

Starting point is 02:17:23 Or are you shitting for speed or whatever? Like what's the purpose of it? I don't know, I was just trying to break your record. Shitting for speed or whatever? Like what's the purpose of it? I don't know, but like I just can't. Yeah, so like it's just like funny to walk into somebody's bathroom to use it and just picture them just being like blowing it up. Oh, I don't know man.

Starting point is 02:17:37 Yeah, because that really, I guess when you do that, it really, it puts, it's more like a Japanese technique. I think we'd have your feet up high. That's where they kind of shit holes from what I've heard. I remember in Africa, when we went on a safari and you would go in, you'd think it was a bathroom, you would open the door and it was just a hole and you would just literally just poop into a hole.

Starting point is 02:17:56 Did it help? Squatty potty, here you go. It's just, it evens out that. It unkinks the rectum. Unkinks the rectum, evens out that. You can say that again slower though. What? Yeah. I have a question for you. It unkinks the rectum unkinks the rectum even say that again slower though. What yeah, oh I have a question for you a girl. I'm seeing now. I guess you went on a date with her one time, dude

Starting point is 02:18:10 I guess it's beef. Hey, that is beef dude. No, no that means it's cool That means like I'm equally as hot as Theo Bro, but it was like years ago. Okay. Did you say I was a nice guy? Yeah. She said you were like shy. Okay. I'll check out. But like, yeah, like I think it was just like you guys were just said you asked like really random questions. Oh, God.

Starting point is 02:18:34 Oh, what's your favorite time of day to get a big man? Well, it's before 11 a.m. If you're Brian Johnson, I'll tell you that. What, uh, you've been dating or what? Yeah, what's going on, man? I've been, I'd gone on a few days, but there was a Gallon's dating in Nashville some and then we sat, that ended up not working. And I just been too busy.

Starting point is 02:18:56 There was a Gallon LA been kind of talking to him that, um, I just don't have the, I just can't keep it up right now. Yeah. You know, the relationship. Yeah. Your tourist guide was crazy. Yeah. And I just, I'm liking working. I want to now. You know, the relationship. Yeah, your tour schedule is crazy. Yeah, and I just, I'm like, and working. I want to be, you know, these are like the,

Starting point is 02:19:09 the couple of years I might be able to do some fun stuff. And, yeah, definitely. And it's a, I don't know, I like working. I want to think about like, we're trying to do like some philanthropy stuff this year. So just, I want to, you only have so much time. So I don't know. Yeah, no, I don't think you're doing're doing anything you get your loving on the run a little

Starting point is 02:19:27 bit here and there but that gets scary because like a chick old senior DM and then they screen grab your shit and stuff you know and it's like but I never say like nothing like let me see that frosty whatever you know like I'll just but even sorry Dairy Queen hacked my phone. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's why I never, I have friends who sex like crazy. I will never. It's just too weird. Also like if a girl's like sexing you

Starting point is 02:19:53 and then you look at it the next morning, you're like, who the fuck, who am I? Yeah, I need to find God. Yo, 100%. You typed out, let me see that post, period. Put me in jail, brother. Like it's just so weird.

Starting point is 02:20:05 That or like right out, if you like jerk off right after, it's like you look at your texts and you're like, how do I get a new phone plan? Yeah, how do I switch to singular after that shit? You ever nut so hard to go back to boost mobile, dude? It's fucking disgusting after that you nut and you're still sending you like sexy messages. Oh, God.

Starting point is 02:20:24 Oh, that's the craziest. Yeah, your phone should shut down. Your phone should shut down after you know. You know how you try to lock your phone or if you try to unlock a phone too many times, it locks it out. Yeah. The second you nut issue, but you are locked out until broad day. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:20:38 You have to hold your phone in the sun for five minutes to unlock it. Do you imagine how many just dudes in college would just be outside like this? I mean, it's hilarious. five minutes to unlock it. Did you imagine how many just dudes in college would just be outside like this? Fuck. I mean, it's hilarious. It's hilarious to like both be sexting back and forth, and then you just finish and you're like, oh yeah. I think I like dudes.

Starting point is 02:20:55 Yeah, and she's still like, yeah, now what are you thinking? And you're like, I don't know. I'm thinking about McGriddles. I'm thinking I'm disgusting. I think I like dudes, you know? I don't, yeah, it's bizarre. I mean, that's why after porn,

Starting point is 02:21:07 I immediately have to exit out. Oh, of course, anybody who gets off during porn, anybody who comes and then continues to watch another video or two. No, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's like staying for a matinee in another movie. Dude, I exit out of the website at mid E-Jack.

Starting point is 02:21:25 The second it's leaving my body, I'm like, GAH! And then I find that X button. I'm like, get this Salem witch away from me. Dude, I want everything to finish at the same time. Yeah. Seem it out of my body, open up, go to GoogleImages.com. Yeah, it's just a hello fresh advertiser. It's still open.

Starting point is 02:21:43 Dude, that's, yeah, that's something that, dude, I accidentally, that's hectic though. Sometimes I like to look at videos on Reddit and they place ads in there sometimes and like you just scroll through like porn videos. I accidentally came to an NBA Jam's ad. I was like, dude, that's actually so cool. Like if one of my boys saw me like, dude,

Starting point is 02:22:02 he's just fucking, he's on fire. Get tested. Like if one of my boys saw me, like, dude, he's just fucking, he's on fire. Get tested. Yeah, dude. If anybody saw me right now, they're like, this guy fucking loves basketball. He loves Brian Scalabrini. I have this crazy fear that the computer, if you're jerking off or watching pornography,

Starting point is 02:22:19 that they're recording back. So I'll like put it at an angle, you know? So that I can like see the screen, but like the camera can can't see you're watching it like somebody else's TV on a flight Dude that's so funny. You don't tape up. Do you tape this screen? I should do that Yeah, it would be way better, but I just we should put a photo of you Holding a sign says not jerking off in front of the camera. Oh, yeah. But then behind it, you're jerking off. Yeah. And then you rip it down.

Starting point is 02:22:48 My buddy Patrick, uh, he, um, or kids, he would like hide behind a map, like an actual physical paper map in his car with his parents. If they were going somewhere and he would jerk off behind the map. That's smart. And they're like, yeah, tell me when to get off the interstate. He's like, oh, coming, coming up. Dude, that's so funny. Dads used to be so good at multitasking.

Starting point is 02:23:13 They have a full map, a family of five valuable lives in the car. And he's just being like, how do we get to the Grand Canyon doing a hundred and a Volvo station wagon? Meanwhile, two of the kids are sitting in the trunk. They're not even in seats. And he's doing a hundred of Volvo station wagon. Meanwhile, two of the kids are sitting in the trunk. They're not even in seats. He's doing a hundred multitasking.

Starting point is 02:23:29 Dude, dads are crazy. Bro, being a dad has to be, I'm amazed that people do it as much as they do. It just turns like a human Swiss army knife. And they just, yeah. I don't know if we're ready for that, man. You think you're ready yet? No, but I do want kids eventually.

Starting point is 02:23:43 But I think about how loud they are. Oh man. Yeah, I think if you get out in nature, you get a kid that's quiet. If you're out in nature and stuff, kids are quiet, if you stay out, live out there. Yeah. What you getting like a bit like,

Starting point is 02:23:55 I don't want some fucking kid all souped up on nerd ropes and shit. He's tying around his forearm. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy. You know, I just wish that you could like, I don't know. They just, I wish you could just wear, I just like headphones around them.

Starting point is 02:24:11 But then people just think you're like a deadbeat dad or whatever. Dead, you're dead. Yeah, I think it's, I don't know, I would like to have my got to get that special someone or you know, but dude, I when you watch like love on the spectrum, you're like, oh, that's just like the dates that regular people have really. It's really the same. It's like awkward.

Starting point is 02:24:32 People don't know what to say. Their kisses are always pretty graphic. They'd be kissing hard. Oh yeah, some of them really, really kiss hard. But they're good kisses. Some of them kiss like it's, like you're trying to win something, you know? Like the shotgun and that smoke in there.

Starting point is 02:24:50 Do you do that with a girl? Like smoke hookah? Oh, that was smoking her mouth? Bro, that was the way you knew if a chick was in here or not, it was like, oh yeah, shotgun. Shotgun it. And she was like, nah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:25:01 You do it with a hookah smoke and you don't know how close to get Start making out with fucking just smoking your mouth or boofing dude My buddy got boofed out by some chick at a party in Chicago. What a great place to get boofed some lady was blowing Coke up his boy. Have you ever done that? No, dude, I wouldn't waste the Coke by just blowing it into my ass. Like, weirdo. Isn't that, doesn't it jack you up more? Who cares?

Starting point is 02:25:29 The fun part of the thing is doing it up your fucking face like a real man. Oh, because then people get to see it. And you just like, it's that, you know, nobody's like, ah. Yeah, but you were in. You were in the Coke. Yeah, I really liked it. So, Bufin seemed like it could have been up there with like it could have been an option. But also getting a straw or something in your butt,

Starting point is 02:25:48 like people will use like a McDonald's straw or something. I'm like, It's hard enough to get a friend to help you move. You know, like, hey, you mind grabbing this pixie stick and blowing it up my asshole? Oh man, I'm busy, you can borrow my truck though. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:26:04 I mean, yeah, I'll be back around four, but like, let me know about that whole straw thing. Like, I've just heard it's really beneficial on a BuzzFeed article. Yeah, that's crazy, man. Dude, we gotta come, I gotta come to your pod, man. Please, I'd love to, stiff socks, that'd be awesome, man. Yeah, I've been on that for snippets,

Starting point is 02:26:19 like little 10 minute chunks. I know we gotta come in, we gotta have that chairing situation set up in there too. Yeah, yeah, dude, whenever you're ready. I mean, your tour schedule is crazy, but whenever you're in town for more than 38 minutes, let me know. Yeah, I'm gonna come do it Yeah, thanks for coming in dude, we got to go hit a UFC fight or something together sometime you ever been dude Please I would love to yeah, I just got invited to slap boxing. That shit looks fun, too You know you went no I got invited to go but it couldn't make it you in yeah

Starting point is 02:26:44 Have you ever been on milk podcast? No, I just saw guys in Vegas So I'm cool with all those guys. Yeah, did you do it? Yeah, I did it. It's fun. Yeah, it's cool They just got a unique audience. They got the you know, they're fun. They're fun group. Yeah, love on the spectrum audience Yeah, they're always doing fun. Yeah, I love the spectrum bunch of fucking yeah a bunch of this tis him down happy No, those guys are those guys are buddies. They're cool. Yeah, they bunch of this tis'em'd out happy dad and Tracers bro, you know. No, those guys are buddies, they're cool. Yeah, they're good man. My buddy John Shahidi over there, it's a fun group.

Starting point is 02:27:11 Alright, cool bro. Thanks for coming in dude. Thank you for having me man. Good to catch up man. Nice catching up dude. Have fun in Australia. Fucking hit a fucking... See what the quack is up to dude.

Starting point is 02:27:20 Oh yeah. Hopefully a girl lets you see some of her quackers. Oh, I'm sure oh I'm sure I'm sure to be something there's a lot of dangerous animals over there so you'll see what happens you'll be blast but do yeah good luck with working on the new material and stuff and thanks man yeah good to chat with you though yeah good to chat with you too I'll be a national in the summer so if you're there we'll shoot some shit or have you on the show. We'll do a show, yeah. Yeah, fuck you. Thanks, I mean.

Starting point is 02:27:45 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little...

This Past Weekend - E484 Trevor Wallace

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