This Past Weekend - E530 Bobby Lee

Starting point is 00:00:00 the game. to wager Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. FedMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. We have some new, new tour dates to announce. Bloomington, Indiana on November 13th, the Indiana University Auditorium, Columbus, Ohio, November 14th at the Schottenstein Center, Champaign, Illinois, up there November 15th

Starting point is 00:00:50 at the State Farm Center, and Grand Rapids, Michigan on November 16th at the Van Andel Arena. We also have shows in Bend, Oregon, Spokane, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, in the Canada, Oklahoma City, North Little Rock, Springfield and Kansas City, Missouri, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, La Crosse, Green Bay,

Starting point is 00:01:17 Moline, Colorado Springs, Casper, Billings, Missoula, Lafayette, and Beaumont, Texas. Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. Make sure to buy through that link so you aren't visiting a secondary site and thank you so much for all of your love and support. Looking forward to seeing you there. We've got new merch. Check out the new Return of the Rat tie-dye tees in green and purple. We also have the Be Good to Yourself collection,

Starting point is 00:01:50 gang gang hoodies, and much more, baby. I'm upstairs at thetheovonstore.com. Today's guest is a comedian. He's an actor. He's my friend. And you know him from Tiger Belly and Bad Friends and from all of his entertainment contributions over the past 20 years. Very fortunate to hang out today with Mr. Bobby Lee.

Starting point is 00:02:20 ["Shine That Light On Me"] Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing just for you I'm just gonna go home I'm just gonna go home I'm just gonna go home And I'll be home What you said to those girls I was with last night? What? That's what you're going to do?

Starting point is 00:03:07 Like what you did to those girls last night I was with? The girls, they seem like nice girls. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was going to say, you look like my science teacher, Mrs. Hayes. Dude. And she was a Creole. I'm tired of you right now, dude.

Starting point is 00:03:20 No, I'm serious. Your attitude right now. What? We just got in here. She was a Creole woman. She's a Creole woman. She's a Creole woman. Oh, okay. So there's some brown in her.

Starting point is 00:03:29 Yeah, yeah. Like there's a lot of mixing that- Listen, if I'm with a girl at the comic store and you walk up and you say something like, hey, you like hang out with a boiled egg? And then you walk away giggling. It don't make me look good. It don't make me look fine. And it hurt my feelings.

Starting point is 00:03:50 You know what I mean? It's like, that's not a layup. You know what I mean? That's like, you go up there and you go pop, pop, pop, pop. Right, and then you just walk away. Nothing. I get nothing from you. Right?

Starting point is 00:04:00 Yeah. But you know what, dude? She laughed. And that's good. Well, I didn't mean it. I wasn't trying to, like, throw you under the rickshaw or whatever. I was just trying, I was like, I thought a boiled egg was like important in y'all's community or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:14 I mean, a boiled egg is important in many communities. Yeah, Irish do it. Oh, yeah. Right? Probably Africa. They do probably have ostriches. Yeah, a potato is just a fucking gay boiled egg Another thing is she was cute

Starting point is 00:04:40 Thank you. Is it girl you're dating? No, it's just somebody I was trying to hit on yeah, and I lost the momentum and She'll probably never see me again because of the boiled egg comment. That's not true. Yeah, yeah, 100% true. And you seem to do that a lot. Do I really? No. My bad, man. That was the one time. You know, but here's another thing.

Starting point is 00:04:52 I have some problems I have with you. So I just, I'm not gonna write it down, but I'm gonna show you this. You got a JPEG of it? No, no, no, it's just a text that you gave me. Also, secondly, do you think that I should, do you think I kinetically know where the fuck this place is? Yeah, I was supposed to tell you.

Starting point is 00:05:11 Yeah, I mean, right? I'm in the car driving like, I don't know where this place is, all right? And then number three, this, okay? So a couple, maybe two weeks ago, or last week you go, bro, I need podcast guests next week. Can you help me? Which I'm your friend, dude, right?

Starting point is 00:05:28 Thank you. But then you also say, also, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm bi. Yeah. And then, I didn't know how to take that, so I just said, I'm down. Yeah. Right?

Starting point is 00:05:41 I said, I'm down, right? And we kind of moved on from it, right? That doesn't concern you, because apparently you were joking here. Well, when you said I'm down, right? And we kind of moved on from it, right? That doesn't concern you because apparently you were joking here. Well, when you said I'm down, I'm like, is he showing up to podcast? Oh, I see. Is he showing up to podcast?

Starting point is 00:05:53 Oh, for me to fuck. Yeah, I should have said I will do your podcast. But even if you thought that, you would go, no, dude, I was just kidding. Yeah. But you never did that. I didn't get time. You threw it out there as a truth, right?

Starting point is 00:06:07 And then I don't know what the thing, if you're bi dude, I'm good with it. If I was bi, I would know, I think, you know? You know what I'm saying? You would have an inkling or something. Like your ears would ring when you got around a gay dude or something, you know? I think, but yeah, I didn't know if you were coming

Starting point is 00:06:25 to pot or coming to let me poke that yolk, Coney. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that we've known each other for so long I don't think that we would ever poke, even if we, even if there was sexual attraction. Oh, yeah, we would've. No, no, there's no way. Bro.

Starting point is 00:06:39 No, no, what? Yeah, you know. You were definitely, you were, yeah. So if we both had sexual attraction with each other. Or to men. Yeah, you know you were definitely you were yeah, so if we both had sexual attraction With each other or two men yeah, did two men. I don't think that you would find me attractive Yeah, I would brother really 100% okay, dude, and I mean that and I want to say to you I promise I would take you out. I want to say to you did oh Thanks, but thank God we don't Yeah, thank God. No, it's like

Starting point is 00:07:04 But if something happened, right? Say something happened to all the women. There was like a big sinkhole and all the women were there. And all the women disappeared, right? Or there was a big sail and then under the sail there was a sinkhole. Wait, they're on a ship? No, like a big clothing sail or jewelry sail.

Starting point is 00:07:22 I thought you were like Noah's Ark. They're all just on a gigantic ship with a sail. Two of every... Yeah. Yeah, no. You get a pair of redheads, right? A pair of ching chongs. Yeah. What? We don't use that type of language on the ship. Okay. Well, Chinese then? Is that better? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah, chops. We call them. And also another Cops, we call them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And also another thing I wanna say, because I have a lot of gripes.

Starting point is 00:07:48 But we would have a date though, dude. Bobby, if we, look at that. Yeah, but those are just friends hanging out. Is that? I mean, one of us is hanging out. Santino just keeps fucking FaceTiming. I just gotta pick it up. What's up, man?

Starting point is 00:08:01 Oh, look at this. What's up, baby boy? Yeah, you pitching the Cubs? You throwing the pin? Did you throw it? Oh, fuck yeah, man. Congratulations, man. Let's go.

Starting point is 00:08:14 Let's go. Dude, congratulations. Yeah, yeah. I love you, boy. All right, I'll see you later, dude, okay? Congratulations. Why would you text me for that? Or call me for that?

Starting point is 00:08:22 But at least he cares, though. It's so dumb, dude. You think? He grew up as a Cubs fan though. I know it's just like you fucking face time me Oh, yeah, I threw a ball at you know I mean yeah, I'm very August II. Yeah. Yeah, I threw a plum to a Yeah, anyway, let's go back to fucking here. It is Wow Wow they have it on the thing Wow, wow they have it on the thing. Oh He doesn't even get a really human being he gets a bear He hugs the bear

Starting point is 00:08:57 For comedy he does it for comedy. Oh, it's so cool. I'm so proud of them. Have you ever thrown one out? Yes, I've ever thrown a baseball in my life Really? Yeah, I've seen them in museums. What about a thrown like a hot bow or something bow bun I've done that yeah many times yeah grandma check catch you know me whatever whatever the language is but my last gripe is this and then we can talk normally all right yeah I'm sorry about that man about what whatever the first gripe was. Okay, you don't remember, honestly you don't remember? I had a couple gripes. Yeah, but you didn't want to date with me. Okay, that's good. So here's another thing. I don't know what happened to you. And congratulations by the way. For what? For being white?

Starting point is 00:09:44 I don't know. It's messed up. I don't know. Ms. Hayes? The congratulations for being so white. No, but your success and stuff. But something happened where, you know, a lot of times you and I share the same people, fans, right? But you've tapped into a fan base that doesn't like me that much. No way. And I'll tell you who they are. Supermodel gypsies. Really? They have Hanna tattoos on their necks, right?

Starting point is 00:10:10 They look at me like, at the store last time, they were like, you know what I mean? They wanted to see Ching Chong. Yeah, yeah. And guess what, dude, you know what I want to tell them? If Theo is the Beatles, I'm definitely Yoko Ono. I'm a part of the ecosystem of the Beatles or whatever. But they looked at Yoko and went, are you a part of it? You're just a fan. I'm like, we call, we're friends. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:10:43 You're at least Chingo Star. Yeah, I'm Chingo Star, dude, right? Yeah, so it's a... I'm sorry, man. Really, I feel like everywhere I go, everybody wants to ask me about you. It could be anybody, construction workers, people inside of a building.

Starting point is 00:10:57 It could be somebody that's a businessman, a woman at a counter. Everywhere I go, hospitals. People are like, oh, tell me. Wait, wait, hospitals, people are like, oh tell me. Wait, wait, wait, stop. I don't get it. No, no, no, stop, stop. At hospitals, you're saying, so the construction workers, the nurses at hospitals, are they all Asian? Because I just, you just made a voice. No, they're fans of yours. I know, I understand that, but are they all Asian fans or just are they whites too? Because when you did the accent, it wasn't voice. No, they're fans of yours. I know, I understand that, but are they all Asian fans or just are they whites too?

Starting point is 00:11:26 Because when you did the accent, it wasn't clear. Oh, I'll just, yeah, I think they're Asian. Oh, tell me how you, tell me, tell me. This is what you did. Tell me about what you know about the Bobby Lee. Is that what you wanna say? Did you not go into an accent though? Did I?

Starting point is 00:11:41 Maybe you didn't, do it again. A lot of them. Do it again. Okay. A lot of them will be like. I'm Theo. Okay. I'm walking. Hey man, hey man.

Starting point is 00:11:50 Hey, are you Theo? Hey. Oh, you said no accent. Tell me about Bubby Lee. The Mexicans. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Tell me about Bubby Lee. Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro Ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro- They sound white bro, I don't know man. But do you wanna, I'm concerned. Your fans, your fans are all over Bobby.

Starting point is 00:12:26 All over what? Everything. Every time I meet somebody they're like tell me about him, where can we get him? Oh like I'm a, like a porg. No like you're one of those. You know what a porg is? Uh uh. Okay.

Starting point is 00:12:41 You're like one of those little head dolls that comes in that box, whatever this thing's called. Bobble heads., it's pork Funko pop. Yeah Funko pop. Oh fuck a pop. Yeah. Yeah Like a fuck a pop. Yeah. Yeah, so they they ask as if I'm something that you could buy Yeah, you they just you could not if you mass produce me that you can make money. Oh My god, you're not going to technology, but if we had here put one of your hands up right now like that little cat that's for magic at the uh no Korean salon or whatever I'm talking about I know what the cat is, it's just like they don't know who I am. That's not true Bobby. No, those henna tattooed gypsy witches that like you now, they're all beautiful by the way.

Starting point is 00:13:32 I didn't, I don't know them. You do. What's that? You're talking about Kat Von D dude? No, I love her. Bro. She's the best. I've worked with her before. You have? A long long time ago, yeah. She's very, very, very white. It's like, she's like a creature that's like,

Starting point is 00:13:50 she's almost like something that happens at midnight for 40 minutes, you know? Like she's very like, effervescent, you know what I'm talking about? What do you mean, at midnight for 40 minutes, what happens? Like it's like a... Dry. Yeah. The vagina opens. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, she's married. Like a mirage or whatever. Yeah, but that's also a vagina opening. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, apparently. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:15 If you have to do this with a girl, do you think the vagina's too big? You've been in some coochie tunnels, I'll say that. You've been underground in Vietnam. What kind do you like? Do you like the ones that stick out or you like tucked Oh, I kind of like the ones like that look like they have a little bit of lip liner on them Yeah, I like the combination of both Oh when one lip is sticking out and one's tucked in right like one of them. It's like that. Um that bond me I don't like if there's too much bond, you know What do you mean by if it's a bond me kind of vibe? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's too much bond. Yeah, yeah

Starting point is 00:14:48 And do you um I mean I don't know when's the last time you hooked up with a girl oh This is too personal. You don't talk about it not talking about let me think um it's probably been What we would don't know is I think that you are very picky um I Have to get this off my chest, man. I told you about this last night. What'd you tell me? But I've been dating this person,

Starting point is 00:15:13 and every time we, and rarely do we do this, make beautiful love. Oh, God. Yeah, the sacred rituals of love. She goes, yeah, when I was, you know, eight years ago, yeah, I hooked up with Theo. Yeah, but she says it every time we're naked. Mm-hmm. And it hurts me. That's all. And I want to share that with you. Fuck dude, that's that's crazy. I think I don't believe her. Oh, so you don't believe that you did hook up with her?

Starting point is 00:15:46 No. I don't believe her at all. You know what? I don't believe her either. Because I know that you are very picky. Yeah. And you take your time. Yeah. El tiempo they call me. Yeah. And you do long strokes. Mmm.

Starting point is 00:15:59 Yeah. I do strokes. I say it's long even though it isn't. I'd be like, oh that's long. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean by long strokes? Uh-uh I mean, I'm thinking you're assuming sexual Well, you know, it's something, you know, here's what I don't like people that are like, you know I talk about somebody with aorta issues or whatever, huh? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, like somebody just Like stroking for distance he strokes for a quarter mile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:26 It's sort of like, you know, in the Olympics, normally in the Olympics they do the breast stroke, but if you slowed it down and they, you know what I mean? You do those, you don't do those? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do some of that. Yeah, I do long, right?

Starting point is 00:16:43 And I take a nap. And then I do short oh yeah, and then I rest Mmm. You take breaks. You're almost like um stands of music kind of with like a like a half um half note Quarter note. Oh, you know what you're doing. You know when you do this. That's Asian vagina. It is yeah, it's linty Is it really that's a lie? No, it's a lie. It's all folklore. Is it? It's regular like everyone else. For years I, you know... I remember I almost made love to a Korean woman one time years ago, and this was in Idaho, and her legs kind of didn't separate. It was almost like, do you ever get really strong chopsticks or whatever and you can't open them or whatever?

Starting point is 00:17:20 Wait, wait, wait. It was just like that, Bryce. I swear to God. Maybe it was a mermaid. Huh? Was it a mermaid? I don't know. Are there Korean Asian mermaids? There have to be, huh? Bring up an Asian mermaid or something, beached Asians or whatever. Because if there were, they'd probably eat their own because they love sushi.

Starting point is 00:17:43 Oh, here we go Wow Yeah, there are and I'm the buy one Yeah, this dude will swim through West Hollywood brother I was in Hawaii that day, uh-huh, and I saw that at a store and I bought it immediately and I ran to the beach I go take this photo Dude, would you dude? I'm telling you right now. Oh I go take this photo. Dude, would you, dude, I'm telling you right now.

Starting point is 00:18:07 Oh. Little mermaid, oh, little mermaid would be better, oh. With me in it, no? Yeah. It wouldn't be little mermaid, it'd be fat mermaid. But yeah, they'd have like, Up where they walk, up where they roam, up where they play all day in the zoom.

Starting point is 00:18:23 The music would change. Wandering free. Yeah, yeah. Up where they play all day in the zoo The music would change Wandering tree We could be part of that world Bobby Lee man good to see you. Good to see you man. Oh, those are my gripes. We're good You know, you know, you've been going on the road, my boy, Amir Kay. Yeah, he's wonderful. He's a wonderful man, dude. Very funny. Like, we're going fishing next week up in Oregon, actually.

Starting point is 00:18:50 Yeah, he loves fishing. He's good at it. Yeah, and you're doing shows up there? Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's a good dude, and... You don't tour as much. People want to see you in more places, but you don't like leaving home as much.

Starting point is 00:18:59 Is that true? Yeah, that's... Okay. I don't go out at all. In fact, like, I'm going up to Vancouver the 12th, and I'm doing with Sakura and she was like well Can you do the day before and then the day after too because I'm playing Eugene in some place in Colorado and I? Just do Vancouver. You know I mean because I just uh you don't like being away from home

Starting point is 00:19:26 I mean? Because I just, uh. You don't like being away from home? Well, I mean, just truth of the matter is, is that I like doing standup and spurts. Yeah. And I'm not addicted to, like I see like Santino and all these guys, they're all addicted to the, you know, their dopamine hits. I'm open, not dopamine, they're dopamine hits. Not dopamine, wait, dopamine.

Starting point is 00:19:47 Dopamine hits, yeah. They're dopamine hits, right? Doing shows, and it's like, I've just never been addicted to that dopamine hit. Yeah. You know, I love being at home. Yeah. Yeah, and I don't know how you do it,

Starting point is 00:20:02 because every time I'm on a line, I see you, you're in Australia or wherever, whatever, and you're killing it, and it's like, I'm happy for you, but I just never had that addiction to it. I think because of the fact that early on, I had just so much trauma from it. From being on stage? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:21 Like one time I was at, it's a casino gig in New Jersey. I forgot what it was called. And it's a casino gig that everyone played. Montenegro? I don't know what it was, but it was like, and I remember they had this red curtain behind the stage. And I remember one show I bombed so hard.

Starting point is 00:20:42 Cause this is before, I think now, because I have fans that get now, you know because I have Fans that get me, you know, I mean and but before When I was just on that TV and stuff like my fans they I mean they were just they knew me from sketch And so they wanted to see me do you know mean my catchphrases? Yeah, like, you know, sometimes I do or oh hot uh-oh, hot dog. Or whatever, right? Like Home Alone or whatever? Beep.

Starting point is 00:21:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Why don't they have an Asian Home Alone? Why don't y'all make a Home Alone? Right. Well, the home is made out of rice paper, aren't they? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:19 And it's like, yeah, and they could get in quickly. The burglars, right? They could just run through like the Hulk, right? So maybe that's why I think it'd be a 10-minute movie then. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm home alone. I dying or whatever. That's very good clever, dude You got well, I think different cultures should all have their own films. Okay, let's talk about it So I think that they should be there should be a cast away. Mm-hmm, right? but all an Asian guy, right?

Starting point is 00:21:46 But instead of him talking to the volleyball, what'd they call him? Wilson. Wilson, right? Instead of that, he makes a volleyball factory, right? He's a sweatshop. He makes monkeys and stuff work, you know what I mean? Yeah. Right?

Starting point is 00:22:03 So you do a little twist like that. Yeah, yeah. I think more about the industry or something. It's more about work ethic. and stuff work, you know what I mean? Yeah. Right, so you do little twists like that. Yeah, yeah. I think more about the industry or something. It's more about work ethic. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And resilience in that way. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:22:12 He could have a couple of stores going on, factories going on, you know what I mean? He could be making fucking volleyballs, right? Yeah. They should remake, I know, Wizard of Oz. Oh. All Asian. What do you think? Wizard of Oz. All Asian. What do you think?

Starting point is 00:22:25 Wizard of ASEAN. Excuse me? ASEAN. Or ASEANs. Some people say, people aren't saying Asians as much anymore. A lot of people say... Oh, that's weird. Who are saying it like that? ASEANs. Who's saying ASEANs? I was at a hotel actually. I was in Australia and a lady said, we have a lot of ASEANs here. And I was like, who are...

Starting point is 00:22:44 Oh, ASEANs. Yeah. We have a lot of ASEANs here. And I was like who are they? Oh ASEANs. Yeah. We have a lot of ASEANs here. And I was like who are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was looking online and I couldn't figure it out. Were you in Australia? I mean where were you?

Starting point is 00:22:51 Yeah I was in Australia. Oh yeah, yeah. And they said yeah. Well they say a lot of things weird there. Yeah, but they said we have a lot of ASEANs here. Yeah, but let's talk about the Asian, let's see what we can do with that. All right, so the Tin Man.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Yeah the Tin Man, yeah. You could put a little thing on it that says made in China. Oh yeah. That's why he's broken. Am I right? Right? And then, no Toto. If I only had some bolts. No Toto, why?

Starting point is 00:23:17 Tell me why there'd be no Toto. Because somebody's in the clean plate club. Yeah, dog, yeah, yeah. So Toto clean plate club. Yeah, dog. Yeah, yeah. So Toto would be eaten. Yeah. Toto's gone. Okay.

Starting point is 00:23:30 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'd have Toto tea. Yeah, yeah. All right. That's the main lady. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Yeah, yeah. And she doesn't want to go to Kansas. She wants to go to Tokyo. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. What's the thing they say when they click the thing? Somewhere...

Starting point is 00:23:54 Somewhere over the rainbow. Is that from the Wizard of Oz? Yeah. It is? Somewhere over the rainbow roll. Oh, yeah. Over the rainbow roll. Yeah, rainbow roll. Yeah. Yeah. somewhere over the rainbow roll That's it those are beautiful I remember seeing one of those for the first time we would have the cowardly panda Yeah, that cowardly panda huh yeah, yeah, and the wicked we which of the yeah, who would she be that we need to cast her Who I know what it should be Allie Wong no She could play it good. Well, she's a good actress. Yeah, she's good at it. So if she needed to be wicked, she could do it. But if she's wicked though.

Starting point is 00:24:29 I think she could be. She would be good. Ooh, Ally's hot. Is Whitney coming? Oh, that's damn Whitney. Yeah, that's damn Whitney. Oh, Whitney would be the Whitney witch of the West or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:39 But we have to have a witch of the East. Ooh, Ally then. Yeah, for sure. Ally for the East. Yeah. And then who else is in the Wizard of Oz? They had Cavalry Lion. Yeah, with the panda there.

Starting point is 00:24:51 You know what I mean? What about the scarecrow? Do we change that up? The scarecrow is, he was full of hay or whatever. Yeah, hay, yeah. Rice maybe. Yeah, maybe dried rice. That dried rice.

Starting point is 00:25:03 Yeah. It's right, right? Yeah, long grain. Yeah, long grain. Yeah, yeah. We do Rice maybe? Yeah, maybe dried rice. That dried rice. Yeah. It's right, right? Yeah, long grain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do long grain rice with our hair. If you had an Asian poor name, it would be long grain. That would be good, huh?

Starting point is 00:25:14 Yeah, I'm long grain, dog. This episode is sponsored by PrizePix. Indeed. Do you love firing on sports? Well, PrizePix is the best daily fantasy sports app for you. Sign up today and get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win or receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed.

Starting point is 00:25:41 You can fire on all your favorite sports like NFL, college football, MMA, UFC, many more. What I love about prize picks is instead of choosing teams, you choose individual players. Each player has a set projection and you choose either more or less than that set projection. One Caleb Williams passing yard gets you one win on prize picks every week in September. That's right, only one yard gets you an automatic win every football weekend in September. That's four weeks of free Ws.

Starting point is 00:26:20 Don't miss this deal on prize picks because it's gone when September ends. If you are smart with sports and you know what players are going to perform on what nights, PrizePicks is the best app for you. First time users download the PrizePicks app, use code THEO and prize picks will instantly give you $50 on your first lineup of $5 or more. No strings attached. Put in $5 and instantly get a free $50.

Starting point is 00:26:53 Sandals, sunscreen, snacks for the kids. What do these have in common? Well, you're probably buying a ton of those again this summer, but don't stress about the cost. Use iBotta and get cash back on all your purchases when you stock up on all your summer essentials. iBotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop. Earn on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies even toys so you can make sure

Starting point is 00:27:25 you're beating inflation no matter what you're purchasing. The average iBotta user earns $256 per year. That could cover the cost of an entire shopping trip, that flight you've been eyeing, or the fancy dinner you've been craving. Right now iBotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying iBotta by using the code THEO when you register. Just go to the App Store or Google Play Store and download the free iBotta app to start earning cash back and use code THEO. That's I-B-O-T-T-A in the Google Play or App Store and use code Theo Ibotta.

Starting point is 00:28:09 You're heading to an event, you're taking your spouse or your friend to see a game, to see a ballerina or go to the dog track and you might need tickets. Well, the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase is Game Time. You heard me.

Starting point is 00:28:30 Game Time. You love going to concerts. You love going to shows. Game Time is the way to do it. Game Time has a new feature called Game Time Picks that makes getting tickets for concerts and events even easier. Game time picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats so you don't have to waste time searching through thousands of tickets.

Starting point is 00:28:56 Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with game time. Download the game time app, create an account, and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code WEEKEND for $20

Starting point is 00:29:18 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. Can I just say something about you? You are one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met in comedy. Really? Yeah. Thanks. I mean, I think, can I give you the my list? Yeah, okay, and and you'll probably know But and let's we'll talk about men. Okay. Okay. Um, I'll talk about women too, but um, I think aside from you Let's let's grade them from 1 to 10 niceness guessing it in well, but let's do it

Starting point is 00:29:58 Yes, okay, cuz I'm gonna give you names that are like nice. Okay, Greg Fitzsimmons Oh, oh my god nine out of ten. Yeah, Greg Fitzsimmons. Oh my god. Nine Out of ten. Yeah, for sure. And he has a new book that just came out. What's it called? It's a special and he has a new video book that just came out Yeah, and on YouTube. He was just on your podcast about it wasn't he? No. Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah, you know me So check that out. I love Greg. I love him. Alright, so let's go Fiji Anwar. Oh.

Starting point is 00:30:27 Nine. Nine. Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to be a 10. Right, they have a little bit of thing that makes them not be a 10. Yeah, they're sick perverts, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that keeps everybody a little lower.

Starting point is 00:30:39 Nikki Glaser. Eight or nine. For men, six. If she's supposed to be male, then she's doing a bad job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bad job. Female, nine. Yeah, for a female, I think she's a nine. Yeah, she's nice.

Starting point is 00:30:55 Let's try to find a ten. There's no ten? The nicest? The nicest guy in comedy. I don't think I can find a ten then. Because if fucking Greg Fitzsimmons is a 9 maybe Jelly Roll Sebastian Sebastian's a nice guy a nice guy for a busy guy he always tries to communicate and stay and stay tapped in but he's

Starting point is 00:31:15 also but he's only oh my god I want to get in trouble but I'll try I try to edit my you know I got to edit my shit now, man, so I gotta think clear. But I wanna say something. I believe if you're in his visual range, right? Somebody that he has a relationship with, right? That he's a 10. I think he's a 10. But I don't think that if you're not in his visual range

Starting point is 00:31:47 or in his ecosystem, it's hard to get in. Because he's so elusive. He'll park his car, he'll do a set, and there's no way of going, yo, yo, yo, I'm a comic too, or whatever, and developing a relationship. I think the people he knows is who he knows, and that fucking roster is filled. Yeah, that's what I think. I think at a certain point he knows is who he knows yeah, and there's and that fucking roster is filled

Starting point is 00:32:06 Yeah, that's what I think I think at a certain point you've done all of that And it's like you only have so much bandwidth he have children yeah, you have a wife and parents, and I think it's just Yeah, that's you know. I don't know if doing a lot of that fucking Yeah, glad hand and shit yeah glad-handed and shit It's not his shit, but you're good at it. Well, I feel desperate probably to be a people pleaser No, because the truth is last night when I was with those two girls that I was your with No, the other one was a stray Well, whatever dude, she knew that I was gonna probably go say hi to you

Starting point is 00:32:43 Yeah, and she went to your show but it's funny that a stray went missing around an Asian. Asian, yeah. Be a limb. Be a limb, though. Yeah, yeah. But, um, and I knew that I'm like, yeah, come meet Theo. I don't have that thing like, oh, this could backfire. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:00 You know? Sometimes people are like that, where like a girl will go, hey, can I a girl will go, hey, can I, oh, okay, so my friend Alan met us. I went to high school with him. He was at the store maybe a month ago, and he's never been to the store, and he's like so like,

Starting point is 00:33:17 he's one of those high school friends that is just so stoked for you. You know what I mean? And I love this guy. And we're at the store and he sees Mark Maron and he goes, can you introduce me? And for a split second I was like, I don't know. You know, I did it.

Starting point is 00:33:37 And Mark was also eating pizza, which I've never seen him do. I've never seen him eat anything. I know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, me either. So it's, yeah, it's scary to introduce. But he was nice though. He was, yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:50 Yeah, yeah. But you don't know, you know what I mean? Well, Mark doesn't pretend a lot, I don't think, you know? So I feel like, you know, you're gonna get the real Mark. It's like Bill Burr. You're gonna get who they are at that moment. Okay, do you get scared around him? When you walk up to him.

Starting point is 00:34:03 Bill? Yeah. Bill Burr, I get like, and I feel bad, it's just me. Who they are at that moment? Okay? Do you get scared around him when you walk up to him bill? Yeah? Bill burry I get that I get like and I feel bad. It's just me he came on the show last night, dude He jumped on the show. I know it was fucking awesome, dude I stood on the side and I was like I need to go home and work right now I did not want to tell a joke. He just he's he is I Mean he is the best maybe I think he's's the best, but there's just something about, like me and Andrew were doing Bad Friends. He was upstairs, I guess, is an editing place,

Starting point is 00:34:32 and he was editing a special. We didn't know that. So we're just doing Bad Friends. He just walks in. We had no idea. And it was almost as if I was tongue tied. You know what I mean? I mean, he's done Tiger Belly a bunch of times.

Starting point is 00:34:46 I've been to his house. I'm friends with him. I love the guy, right? But every once in a while, I get tongue tied. Like, I don't know what to say. And I'm always like, he's one of those guys where it's like, you let him talk. Yes.

Starting point is 00:34:58 And then you go, yeah, man, that's cool. Dude, that's how I was last night. I was all embarrassed. I was like, it was almost like a hot chick was there kind of I know Yeah, he's a hot chick and you're like at the certain points. I couldn't even look at him I just look at my other friend and we're both like supposed to be listening to him. Yeah, both looking at each other Yeah, he just and he's also a super nice guy too, which is also rattled. I kind of wish he was a dick Well, I think his material is so like him that yeah

Starting point is 00:35:30 There's like a something that's intimidating about him, but I don't think he I don't think he means it to be that way No, I think his material is just it's in our head. It's in our heads. Oh totally. It's so funny He said that yeah, it's in our heads cuz he left and we're all like, oh, dude I know cuz what like I was when I went back there. Yeah, the residual of him being there was still around Yeah, people were like a bill was just here Yeah, it was like I don't go fuck It was like the Wizard of Oz when that storm hit people like windows back together Yeah, maybe the wizard in our Asian wizard wizard Anyway, um, I'm gonna tell you something that happened to me the day and what would you do in this situation?

Starting point is 00:36:02 But do you think it's cuz we're intimidated of his talent? Sorry, I wanna go back to what you're saying. And I'll get back to what you're saying, I just wanna know. No, no, no, it's good, we can just cut, that's fine. Okay, they're just, I'm gonna tell you, like we did with The Nicest, I'm gonna tell you who just in my opinion when they're around,

Starting point is 00:36:20 it has the same vibe, okay? So, Chappelle obviously, Chris Rock. Like, Chris will go, what's up, man? You know what I mean? And I'm always like, okay, I like you! You know, I get really tongue-tied with that dude. You know, that dude, One Christmas Dude, I don't know if I, have I told you about this?

Starting point is 00:36:44 That's his movie, One Christmas? Yeah, such a great movie. Is it really? No, man. One Christmas, dude. I was on a date. I watched a movie with this girl. You know, have you been to this Third Street Promenade? Yes. Right. So then, you know, I went to this date, and I held her, I tried to hold her hand in the thing,

Starting point is 00:37:00 and she kind of scooted away. I couldn't get no vibes from her. And afterwards, the Brookstone, oh, not Brookstone, what's the, I tried to hold her hand in the thing and she kind of scooted away. I couldn't get no vibes from her. And afterwards, the Brookstone, oh not Brookstone, what's the bookstore? Barnes and Noble. Barnes and Noble. All right, dude, all right, there's a better way to say that.

Starting point is 00:37:15 Her Borders Books, which Kamala Harris hasn't visited the whole time she's been in office. Yeah, Barnes and Noble, dude. So you know how they had the magazine section? So me and her wandered in the, it was just during Christmas. We wandered in the magazine section. Two Asians, couple periodicals. No, she was white.

Starting point is 00:37:30 Oh, she was white? Couple of one Asian. Yeah, couple of one Asian. And a honky. And a honky, dude. Meeting over some frickin' southern living. I like it. And Chris was there.

Starting point is 00:37:42 What? Yeah. And I swear to God dude I had you know my relationship with that with that dude is just pound say a couple of words, and you're out Yeah, right and he comes out and he looks at the girl. I swear to God he goes This guy right here one of the funniest in the business Wow Hey, he goes Merry Christmas. He walks away. I hooked up with that girl that night. Fuck yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:06 That was a layup. But he's one of them. You know who's another one? For some reason, Sarah Silverman. Very sweet. She's so sweet. But there is a little bit like, I wanna watch what I wanna say.

Starting point is 00:38:19 I wanna, you know what I mean? I'm a little self-aware of how I'm behaving. Yeah. You know? But then there are people that I don't give a shit. Like. Like Santino. I don't give a shit.

Starting point is 00:38:31 He's my friend. I mean, that's what it is, real friend? Bad friend. Yeah, dog. That's what he is. Yeah. And he's a BLM guy, he said. Bobby Lee matters, he said.

Starting point is 00:38:43 Yeah, are you intimidated by Joe Rogan? What, oh, I think maybe less and less over time. He has such a good memory. It's almost like, somehow like. Dude, he is a computer chip. He is. People don't realize it, dude. He knows everything.

Starting point is 00:38:57 He just has a really good memory. Yeah. What was I gonna ask you about? Oh, dude, where were we? Where was I, in 11? No, you've just been looking more like, kinda put together, I feel like ask you about? Oh dude, where were we? Where was I, 11? No, you've just been looking more like, kinda put together I feel like, you know? I feel like you're like in your fisherman era kinda,

Starting point is 00:39:10 you know? You know what I'm talking about? No I don't, explain. Like boat Bobby, kinda like live bait Bobby, you know? Well, you know, I've gone through some things. Yeah. And I've evolved. Well, that's okay.

Starting point is 00:39:21 No, it's a good thing. That little yellow bad boy, that piss scallop, you know what I'm saying that fucking hero Just scallop Oh this must be Would you call me piss scallop? That's something that they said on Somebody is this broken?

Starting point is 00:39:42 You're correct, yeah, maybe my ears. Yeah. yeah, my ears, dude. You didn't say that. Let's change to something. Dude, where were you when Trump got shot? Let's talk about something else. What do you mean, where were you when Trump got shot, man? Who was I? The president got shot. I don't really remember where I was. I was at home. I was at home and you know when I wake up in the mornings I have a coffee

Starting point is 00:40:11 and I bust out my iPad and I just start like I just go to news. I just want to see what's going on. And then I remember just watching it going, what a sad day for our country man. What was he like? Donald Trump? Were you nervous? He was, I mean he's kind of.

Starting point is 00:40:29 Were you nervous? Yeah. Like more nervous than you've ever been in your life? Yeah. Yeah, I would be too. And then, I gotta know, when he walks in, right? I mean, do you have things planned? Yeah, I had some ideas, but I think I was super nervous

Starting point is 00:40:46 I'd had a long week and it was like You ever have like a date you're excited for but you've had a craziest longest week and it finally Friday night comes or something You're like, yeah, but it was yeah, that's what it was. And so it was like You know, and so I just and I knew I had a limited amount of time What was the time? Probably 52 minutes we had. 52 minutes? That's a long time though.

Starting point is 00:41:09 Yeah, but I know we can go fast and he can get on some, he gets on some tangents and he'll go. So I didn't, I was like, you have to kind of curtail him a little bit, you know? And so I tried to do that. With the clips I've seen though, I think that you were pretty, you were good. Thanks man. Yeah, you were good. I tried my best, you know? I thought it do that. With the clips I've seen though, I think that you were pretty, you were good. Thanks man. Yeah, yeah, you were good. I tried my best, you know? I thought it was interesting.

Starting point is 00:41:29 I thought he was nice. I got to meet Ivanka and her husband, that was cool. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. There's a lot of Asians for Trump out there. Do you know that? How do Asians feel about Trump? Let's say it, man.

Starting point is 00:41:46 Can I say something to you? I'm not the president of Asians. I seem to think that... you seem to think that I'm their leader. Like every month there's a gathering, right? And I get all this information from people. Yeah. And then I go out to the world, I'm their spokesperson or something. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about You're like Kim Jong-un. No, I'm not Kim Jong-un. You're like a smaller version like scam Jong

Starting point is 00:42:11 You know, I think that Kim Jong-un and I come from the same Body type Like if they made a factory of like Asians I'm the same mold as Kim Jong-un and Benedict Wong. Yeah, you know Benedict Wong. Um, I don't think so You ever see dr. Strange? No You have the very Emperor's body. That's Benedict Wong. Oh you guys yeah, that's the area you're in right now Yeah, yeah, so that's like the same mold. He's a great guy by the way, but wow. Yeah, but it's like, you know and He just went more action with his body good for him Yeah, yeah, you have very like the Emperor that inherits the's like, you know, and he just went more action with his body.

Starting point is 00:42:45 Good for him. Yeah, you have very like the emperor that inherits the castle type of, you know. Thank you. Thank you, dude. That's the best. Yeah. But I want to say that I don't know if they're, you know, I know Stephen Chung. You know him? Yeah, he's, I think, look up Stephen Chung. I think he's an attorney for Trump, is it? Stephen Chung. Yeah, Republican. Yeah, he's with the Trump campaign. So if you want to ask about Asians and Trump, ask Stephen. Yeah, that'd be cool to meet Stephen Chung or to get him to fuck.

Starting point is 00:43:16 Did you see that Asian guy? The Asian guy at the Trump rally, you see him? No, tell me. Bring it up. Oh, yeah, this is it. Oh, this guy. Okay, what happens to this guy? It's like gays and Asians meeting or whatever. This Asian guy meets this woman. Let's see what happens I'm serious right now 16 you're 16 Don't scare come on this is my first kiss. Come on, bend over. I can't reach you.

Starting point is 00:43:49 I came to this show to find love. I wanted to find me a good American woman. I'm not a woman. Oh. I'm not a woman. Wait, what? He keeps thinking I'm a woman. I'm a man.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Yeah, yeah. That kiss, kiss a man. Yeah That's he kissed a dude for Trump well, that's gay that's a gays in right there Wow, bro, that was fucking weird. It's almost as if it's like Wow Yeah, wow It's like C-A-I or something. Wow. G-A-I. Yeah. Brian. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, his name's Brian.

Starting point is 00:44:28 Brian. Yeah, I don't know what went wrong with him, but you know. Yeah, play that last part again. Yeah, I tell ya. I'm trying to find love. I want to find me a good American woman. I'm not a woman. Oh.

Starting point is 00:44:42 I'm not a woman. Wait, what? He keeps thinking I'm a woman. I'm a man. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. That's Elton John. Yeah, yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:44:53 Wow. Wow. Are there more Asians than Trump? Cause do Asians support Trump or not? Okay, I think some do. Yeah, I'm sure some do. When it comes to the economy probably you know I mean Because what what is this one? This is a Trump country we live in the southeast

Starting point is 00:45:13 We drink sweet tea we don't think Socialist cool it Wow Wow So there are there there they're out there Yeah, what it will like This is a sweet three country. Did we don't speak the Trump cool, what does he say? Socialist with the cool aid. Wow, dude, I wrote that speech for him, did you know that?

Starting point is 00:45:35 At the meeting I did. Yeah, wow. You're the speech writer. Yeah, I'm the speech writer, dude. He said it perfectly the way I wrote it. He did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the cool aid, socialist, all that shit was in there, dude.

Starting point is 00:45:47 What a great guy. What percent of Asians are supporting Trump though, do you think? Yeah. Are you trying, let me ask you something. With this line of questioning, are you trying to get what I, what my political affiliation is? No. Right? I ain't gonna tell you, dog. Okay.

Starting point is 00:46:03 Yeah. And I have to say this, I'm in the middle. Yeah, what do you I am? It's a good question, man Because obviously there are things that I like, you know, I like both sides Like a woman's right to do I don't give a fuck. I want them to have the right to it's not me It has to do with me, right? I just think um I mean I'm in I'm kind of I'm in the middle of one side kind of What do you mean huh, so you're in the middle of one side yeah Okay, I think I've always been I mean I love the fact that Trump brought over RFK jr.

Starting point is 00:46:41 Yeah, I'm still pissed at the Democrats railroaded Bernie Sanders I like for me too. Yeah, it's like what is democracy even real in this country anymore? Okay, I don't know okay. That's what I don't even know anymore. I don't even know if all of us are just being Played that's what it starts to feel like you know I generally don't like talking about politics, but I'll say this I'll say that one side, you know, is more supportive of what I do for a living What do you do? What do you do? Okay. Comedy.

Starting point is 00:47:26 You mean, comedy. You mean freedom of speech or whatever? Yeah. I think one side is a little more sensitive than the other side and so, you know, I struggle with that fact. Look man,

Starting point is 00:47:42 I've voted for Obama and I've voted for Trump. So, I'm not a a I am open to anything Yeah, I've never really voted Really never for Obama one season you did one season. I did um what uh butter back to this you see here's what you did I want to go back to the my remember the original question I had yeah like from 15 minutes ago, and then you were like oh, I want to go back to that And we never did oh about what I forgot being bisexual or whatever No after that I

Starting point is 00:48:12 Would I didn't even explain it to you at something happened to me the other day I was yeah Well, I was gonna tell I was gonna ask you like what would you do in that situation? Yeah, what was it? So I was at a gas station mm-hmm right and I'm pumping gas and there's a guy like right in back of me pumping gas You know, and he looks at me goes he goes yo, dude Can I get a photo right and I do that day dude. I had went through it. I was beaten down I was tired. I was in a really bad mood and I go Yeah, okay. And he goes, ah, nevermind then. Because I wasn't enthusiastic about the photo.

Starting point is 00:48:53 Right. You know, what does one do in that situation? I think you just gotta respect it because I think it played out like it was supposed to. But then I go, I'll take a photo. He's like, nah, man. No, he. No, you're the bad guy. No, I'm the bad guy. He's like, nah man. Now he, right? Now you're the bad guy.

Starting point is 00:49:06 Now I'm the bad guy. He said, I don't want a photo with you because, you know what I mean, what he's basically trying to say is, cause I wasn't like, yeah! Let's take a photo! You and me? Forever! You right?

Starting point is 00:49:19 He wanted that reaction. When I gave him an organic, like yeah dude, I didn't say this, but it's like, I'm fucking tired But I'll do it because I've never said no to anybody well That's part of the problem yeah, and it's sometimes you have to like because yeah I would be like that forever and now it started to set my own boundaries and I was like hey, man I'm having a bad day. I don't feel like it. I'm at the gym

Starting point is 00:49:38 I'm just trying to work out or little things like that because You also don't want to interrupt your train of thought sometimes your imagination or whatever because every time you like you know so sometimes that can be a bit overbearing you killed it in sweet dreams oh in the movie thanks killed it in that thanks dude yeah you're I wish they had more, I wanna say, sex in it. Okay. Maybe that's Sweet Dreams too. Yeah. Me and our characters.

Starting point is 00:50:11 The sweetest dreams. Yeah, yeah. But you, I'm telling you right now, if you wanted to, which I know you're not gonna wanna do it, I know you. What are you looking at me like that? Huh. Why do you look at me like that? Why are you looking at me like that? That's how I look. Oh, you're like.

Starting point is 00:50:30 Oh, am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you wanted to, you could be an actor. I know you don't want to, though. You were just so natural up there. Well, thanks, man. It was cool, like, I know you don't wanna talk about it, but.

Starting point is 00:50:42 No, I appreciate it, man. Yeah, I think I would like to make something, I just wanna make something of my own. will that's the only thing I don't want to be a part of something Anybody else I understand that but the but the test is and you passed it I think is to do a project that like you have nothing to do with show up and saying other people's words and You know you're doing it with real actors and people that have been doing it for years,

Starting point is 00:51:08 and just holding your own and being natural and being good, you know what I mean? And so I just wanted to give you those props, because you really did kill it. Thanks, man. All right, you're welcome. You always do a nice job, man, of saying nice things about people.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Where'd you learn that, I wonder? Where'd you learn that? I wonder? Where'd you learn that? Like you always do that where you like say something nice about people. I'll tell you why. Because I hate, this business is, dude, back in the 90s, like I just put out this fucking, Like who was, you got in a fight with,

Starting point is 00:51:40 was it Sinbad or something? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. No, but check this out, dude. Check. So check this out So this right here. I just posted this is a 1998 Okay original room lineup Wow, okay, I can't wait to see this actually yeah and I mean look at it 1998 and when I saw this lineup I was it brought me back to that time and And I mean, look at it. 1998.

Starting point is 00:52:10 And when I saw this lineup, it brought me back to that time. And in that time in comedy, look at who's in it. They're still around. Schubert's still around. Johnny Sanchez, Argus is still around. Dice is still around. Rogan, Brian Holtzman. Right? And this is 26 years ago.

Starting point is 00:52:25 Wow. Right? And this is 26 years ago. Wow. Right? Yeah, the whole line up, this is July 4th, July 2nd, 1998. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jonathan Gottschick. Okay, Jonathan Gottschick, one of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life. He just quit.

Starting point is 00:52:39 Still does it? No, he quit. Wow. Dave Pierre. One of the funniest guys. I mean, I'm looking at it from 1998, Bobby Lee, but I just remember watching those fools and going, wow, they're funny.

Starting point is 00:52:50 Oh, yeah. Maybe I've evolved or whatever, but love those guys. They don't get here by not having that in them, I don't think. Jason Galearn, hilarious. Bobby Lee? Me. Oh, sorry.

Starting point is 00:53:02 E.L. Gregori. No, don't know who that is. Jimmy Schubert. Love him. Hilarious, dude. Ar, yep. Sorry. E.L. Gregori. No, don't know who that is. Jimmy Schubert. Love him. Hilarious dude. Argus Hamilton. Around. Yeah. Alive still. Alive. R.I.P. but still here. Still R.I.P. Yeah. Frankie Pace. Frankie Pace. Frankie Pace. Luke Torres, Andrew Dice Clay, Joe Rogan, Brian Holtzman, and Rick Wright. So back then, I just remember being a kid, you know what I mean? Because I'm in my early 20s. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:34 Oh. And you were the talk of the town. People said when you came out- No, they hated me. Huh? Are you out of your fucking mind? They fucking hated me back then. Really?

Starting point is 00:53:43 Yeah, it was, dude, I would have, dude, I would have like white dudes literally walk up to me go hey man Asians aren't funny Wow yeah I was like because of the war or whatever It's one I said because of the war whatever Which war nom Korean no whatever the latest one was it with you guys? I don't know you guys the latest one was it with you guys. I don't know. Yeah. You guys keep- The latest one was with Vietnam. No, you guys keep starting shit, dude. I'm just saying- And we also won that.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Okay. We won that one, dude. I agree, bro. Dude, why does everything have to be a war with you, dude? Bro, I'm happy to- In history. I'm happy to go over there and fight for you guys. Next time I'll fight for you guys, dude.

Starting point is 00:54:20 Yeah. We- Dude, the Vietnam War, you did fight with the South, I think, against the North. I want to fight for you guys. Yeah, I know, you did the Southern part of whatever. I'm not even Vietnamese! In the South one? I'm not Vietnamese! But in Korea, you guys fought with the South.

Starting point is 00:54:36 Alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, this is kind of fucking... I know, dude, this is every time I'm with you, dude. I swear. Well, you gotta give a pamphlet or something whenever you see people. I know dude, this is every time I'm with you dude, I sweat Well you gotta give a pamphlet or something whenever you see people I know but so anyway, let's go back to this lineup back then it was fucking they were people were so mean back then yeah And what would they do they would write stuff on your car or whatever no I? Mean what do you mean like there was you know or graffiti no, no, they wouldn't do stuff like that,

Starting point is 00:55:05 but it would be more like, you know, one time I had a list of jokes I was gonna try, and a comic picked that out of my hand, and he goes, seen it, seen it, done it, done it, seen it, seen it, done it, and just handed it back to me. You know what I mean? Just like flat out fucking rude for no fucking reason because it's like, but now,

Starting point is 00:55:30 because of the internet or whatever, it's just like you can't afford to act like that. Right. Right, because it's like everyone has a shot, right? And it's like, and I remember back then going, if I'm ever in a position Where I can be nice? I'm just gonna be you do it all the time Yeah, and I and I feel like I think I am you do it well man um what do you mean doing nice?

Starting point is 00:55:55 Well, you're nice, too. What the fuck you're talking about you do it. Are you good at intros? Like when you bring people up on stage oh You're pretty good at it. Are you good at it? I like going up after you. I know, but are you good at it? I think I am. All right, so if I'm about to go up, give me an intro. I'm like, ladies and gentlemen, this next guy,

Starting point is 00:56:19 I'll drop him off at a VFW and see how they treat him over there. He is a true hero. You know him from bad friends. You know him from different places on the internet. You guys, it's enough. It's enough. It's not good.

Starting point is 00:56:39 You guys give it up. It's enough. Sorry. I can teach you how to do it. You guys give it up for Ken Jong. No, no. Okay. Can, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Clubs and colleges and just something that's not specific right it's just the audience can tell you there's no relationship between Relationship between the two people right now, so you put in personalized things Do I remember when I first met this guy him and I had coffee and one you know what? I like you you personalize it right and then you get you give them specific credits

Starting point is 00:57:21 Instead of clubs and colleges you go dude I saw him in it up is like for me, if I brought you up, I'd be like, dude, I did a movie with this guy called Sweet Dreams, this guy killed it in everything. And he's killing it on this day. You know, just be, you personalize it. Yeah. Yeah, to let people know that you have a real relationship.

Starting point is 00:57:38 I wouldn't go Vietnam, V-A-W, whatever the fuck you were saying. VFW. Whatever you were saying, I wouldn't do that. Well, Yeah, okay I'm just saying if I took you to a VFW and dropped you off in a what is a VFW veterans of foreign war that's right That's right. How about what do you think huh if I dropped up? You've dropped me off at a VFW if we dress you up in like a civil war Right I have a musket.

Starting point is 00:58:05 Right? You're like, We're gonna kill these guys. You know? Yeah. And then I have one of those, you know what I mean, mustaches that curl.

Starting point is 00:58:13 And one of those round bugles. Boop boop boop. Yeah. What do you think that would happen? Huh? Yeah. I think they'd be like... They'd call the FBI.

Starting point is 00:58:20 Hmm. Yeah. I don't think that'd be good. A lot of white guys be like... Boop boop boop boop boop. And I walked in. Wow. Okay. Yeah, I don't think that'd be good. A lot of white guys be like. And I walked in. Wow, okay. Y'all. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. When you drive a Mazda, you'll find out why our SUVs won more 2024 IIHS top safety picks than any other brand as of June, 2024.

Starting point is 00:58:48 Find out what makes Mazda different at Mazda.ca. Does Blue Chew work? If you're asking that question, well, we want you to know that Blue Chew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free. Blue Chew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free. Bluechew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in chewable form.

Starting point is 00:59:17 The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Bluechew wants men rock hard. They told me that's the mission. They will not stop until every man is bricked till every rod is raised. What are we talking about? Discover your options at BlueChew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners.

Starting point is 00:59:53 Try BlueChew free. When you use our promo code, Theo at checkout, just pay $5 shipping. That's BlueChew.com, promo code Theo to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com promo code Theo to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

Starting point is 01:00:16 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've ever considered therapy for yourself, or if you think a loved one is struggling and could use someone to talk to, better help is a great option. I've used them. I enjoy it. What I like about better help is you can switch therapists at any time. And I encourage you to do that. Don't feel like, oh, the therapist is going to be upset if I can't see them again. It's all about you getting better. It's entirely online.

Starting point is 01:00:49 BetterHelp is, and it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Rediscover yourself. Get comfortable with who you are. Have someone to help you feel better or talk to visit better help.com slash Theo today to get 10% off your first month, rediscover your curiosity with better help that's better. H E L P better help.com slash Theo to get 10% off your first month. Dude, did you see that pull up that,

Starting point is 01:01:26 there was one lady that covered the Trump thing. I think this was an Asian lady. Do you see the thing? Covered the, that time that we interviewed Trump, this is kind of self aggrandizing or whatever. Oh, here we go. But that's not even all. Trump has wooed this hyper masculine online culture deeply.

Starting point is 01:01:46 During a recent podcast with the comedian Theo Won, instead of talking about economy or immigration or healthcare or the global conflicts, they discussed cocaine addiction. Trump. No. Cocaine. Did you really?

Starting point is 01:02:04 What'd you ask him? Cocaine. Have you ever asked him if he did coke? He doesn't do coke, right? He's never done drugs. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. Don't drink, don't smoke. Yeah. Cocaine addiction. What did you ask him though?

Starting point is 01:02:12 What's up with cocaine addiction? We talked about addiction. His brother died from addiction. Oh wow. So we talked, from alcoholism, I'm sorry. So we talked about that, and then we talked about why he never drank or smoked. He kind of led on that. He thought, he's a drug addict.

Starting point is 01:02:22 He's a drug addict. He's a drug addict. He's a drug addict. He's a drug addict. He's a drug addict. He we talked, from alcoholism, I'm sorry. So we talked about that, and then we talked about why he never drank or smoked. He kinda led on that he thought there could be some tendencies that he could have the same thing his brother had, so I think he didn't want, you know,

Starting point is 01:02:34 he had fear about that. I can't, you know, I don't, do you understand that or no? What, your brother having something you have, you mean? No, no, no, no. Cause I've met, like, I remember like, Dane Cook was like that. Like I don't drink or do drugs.

Starting point is 01:02:48 Carlos Mencia for a while was like that too, where it was like, yeah, I don't touch that stuff. Like to me, it's like, I love it. Yeah. You love it? Yeah, because I just, I think I don't, over time, my natural state, I think, wasn't my favorite throughout my life, probably, how I felt.

Starting point is 01:03:06 So if I could change that in some way, then I wanna do that. So those are the things you change it with, either stuff like that, I think. I just don't like feelings. Yeah, wow, that's interesting. I don't. And I'm sober now, and I've been able to kind of,

Starting point is 01:03:26 what my therapist says is to kind of just identify what you're feeling, right? And feel it. But I never liked them. I never liked depression or sadness or trauma or anything. It doesn't sit well in my body, you know what I mean? So it's like I always consume things, but that's more destructive,

Starting point is 01:03:52 and so that's why I'm sober. And I feel pretty free now, and I think I can handle most emotions. Well, you've taken on a lot more social. You've been a lot more social, I think, in the past two years, it seems like. So what do you mean? Just like trying to stay busy, do more things, right?

Starting point is 01:04:05 Like actually put yourself out into situations and stuff. Um, dude, I think I never, like you said, I didn't ever like having feelings. I, like, no matter how I felt, I felt ashamed of how I felt. That was weird, you know? Yeah. Like, it's a lot of times I wouldn't feel good, and I'm trying to, not getting a self-pity I'm just saying I'm not saying this I feel fine today But sometimes I wouldn't feel good and then I would feel ashamed for not feeling good That's the part that I didn't understand sometimes because that made it so hard to like

Starting point is 01:04:35 Figure out the first part, you know, does it make any sense or no? Yeah, it makes like a lot of sense and it just struck me that I don't wanna get too sentimental with you, but there are times where I really believe this that I feel concerned about you. Really? Yeah. Because I don't know really what's going on.

Starting point is 01:05:06 You know, I feel like, you know, there was a time where we talked more and there was more communication. But let's face it, you've risen a little bit. I know you hate to, it's hard to hear. It's hard to hear, it's hard to hear that you've risen, but you have. Things are so good for you, right?

Starting point is 01:05:26 And I think with that rise, right, there's more of a disconnect with your friends because you're so busy and you're doing other things, I get it, but it's like I'm always concerned about if you're sober, if like, is he going to meetings, is he talking to people about Is he, you know what I mean, talking to people about things that are going on. I always feel like things are probably good with you,

Starting point is 01:05:52 but it's like, I have to admit that there is concern. I don't know why, I mean, cause I love you. No, I appreciate it. I mean, I love you. Love you too. You know that, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think, yeah, it's kind of been, I know this is a comedy podcast, I love you. Love you too. You know that, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think, yeah, it's kind of been.

Starting point is 01:06:06 I know this is a comedy podcast, but it's like, you know, I just have to say that because it's like, because I've seen it. I've seen people rise and then, you know, they get lost. And then also there's people around them that don't necessarily care and they're just in it for the ride. I don't know who you're surrounding yourself with

Starting point is 01:06:24 or whatever, you know what I mean? So, you know what I mean? You're probably healthy and the ride. I don't know who you're surrounding yourself with or whatever. You know what I mean? So you're probably healthy and doing well. I don't know, but it's like, there is a concern that like, maybe, you know what I mean? It's alone when you get higher up. There's more loneliness. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:39 I mean, how are you doing? I don't know. I mean, I think podcasts, it makes me feel pretty connected to people. I think me not living here has been... It's been good, but it's also been I don't get to see a lot of people as much. I don't get to see a lot of my guys from AA. I think, yeah, my sober program hasn't been that good the past month for sure. And so I think, really, two months, like, probably the past month.

Starting point is 01:07:02 But just, yeah, not being able to, like, you know, it's like I'll work late, and so then I don't want to make the morning Zoom meeting or make month, but just, yeah, not being able to like, you know, it's like, I'll work late and so then I don't want to make the morning Zoom meeting or make the, you know, and then I'll get up late and then it's like, I try to go to the gym, then I'll miss the noon in-person meeting, so just, yeah, I gotta touch base with some people and... Dude, I was in Butte.

Starting point is 01:07:18 Get honest and get tight, yeah. I was in Butte for a month, Montana. For a month, for doing what? I did a movie. And like, Butte for a month Montana for a month for doing what I did a movie and they're like but there's nothing to do and one day I was in my hotel room there's nothing to do and I called one of the guys that lives there and I go can you give me an A schedule and I tracked a couple of times all the way this like in the boonies oh yeah and I walk into the school and like there's old white people with oxygen tanks and like, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:07:46 And obviously they've never. Drug mules. Yeah, drug mules. Yeah, and also they've never seen an Asian walk into an AA meeting there. I never saw one black person in Butte. So when I walked in it was just like, Charlie, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:07:59 They get Vietnam flashbacks, you know what I mean? Get down, get down, you know what I mean? I don't know, I'm in AAbacks, you know what I mean? You're like, get down, get down, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know, no, I'm in AA too, you know what I mean? And when I'm sitting there, right, even though like, you know, we don't have the same lifestyles of these people, right, you know, at least I can say to myself, like,

Starting point is 01:08:17 you know, I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to like take care of myself on a daily basis. And, dude, one fucking, I went to a meeting and trying to like take care of myself on a daily basis. Dude, one fucking, I went to a meeting and, you know, because there's only two Uber drivers in Butte, and this guy came, this guy that's sitting next to me goes, hey man, my name is Derek. And I go, thank you, and he goes, I'm a fan. And I go, he goes, you want to ride home?

Starting point is 01:08:45 A fan, you mean? Yeah. What do you mean? Like a Asian? No, not like that fan. Oh, okay. It was a fan. It was a dad fan.

Starting point is 01:08:54 I didn't know. It was just like a fan of, you know what I mean? Yeah. Of mine and my comedy. Yeah, yeah. And then so I get in the car with his wife and we go the opposite direction of the hotel. They wanna watch you fucking throw that little liabolin.

Starting point is 01:09:10 Long strokes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then I go, hey, my hotel's that way. And we know, man. Where are we going? You're going to our house. Wow. Right?

Starting point is 01:09:23 So I go to this house and they want me to meet their kids. Nuh-uh. Yeah. How old were the kids? I don't know, but they were little white kids. Oh, too young. So they came up, I was in the, there's these two dogs that fucking jump on top of it.

Starting point is 01:09:34 Oh, yeah, dude, huh? And then there's just like white kids that come out of the room, right? Wiping their, you know what I mean? Yeah. They're not crying, they're just, that's how they, when they wake up. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Like that. And they're like, yeah, I'm not crying there. You know there's just when they wake wake up. Yeah Yeah, like that and they're like yeah Our mommy took us to Missoula and gave us three hundred dollars to for for school clothes Gotta beat their ass Like fuck you bitch that $300 dude to split amongst them my mom gave me $30 from the time. I was age five to the time. I was age 18 Split amongst them. My mom gave me $30 from the time I was age 5 to the time I was age 18 You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah, so 300 this kid. I was in that house for like 45 minutes Yeah, it sounds like you're why it sounds like you're waste your time What I'm saying is I'm willing to go to like these links I say to like just whatever you know

Starting point is 01:10:20 I mean, yeah, and there's so you they're super sweet. Yeah, I didn't think I was gonna get like Imagine if I was in a well in the basement. Yeah. Right? And you're like, what would you have thrown down? You get two things thrown into the well. Oh shit. Oh shit, yeah, oh, so I would lube. No, no, no, that's not good.

Starting point is 01:10:39 I mean, if you're gonna also use it as a beverage, I think it's fine. But you're gonna need it. You're right, you're right. Two things that water. Yeah, that's good. Right? And then food.

Starting point is 01:10:49 Oh yeah. Like Jersey Mike's. Or seeds. Plant your own. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But ooh, but you know, it depends on how long it takes to grow. Or you could also eat the fingernails that are in the.

Starting point is 01:10:58 Oh. Right? That's protein, right? Yeah. Is that protein? Yeah. I would just, the fingernails, right? And you know what I mean? A little bit of wall caviar.

Starting point is 01:11:08 I would be so frightened. Would you be frightened? Oh, I would be so scared, dude. And I would probably, what would I do down there? Sing a lot. And you'd have to hold your pee pee or your... There's an echo. So what song would you hear sing?

Starting point is 01:11:23 I would sing, um, Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem. That's a good one. For me, Edelweiss. Edelweiss? Imagine I'm in a well and I just go, Edelweiss, Edelweiss. Right? You get a shrimp and I just. A-do-vise, A-do-vise.

Starting point is 01:11:45 Right? You get a shrimp. And they just. They throw shrimp. They throw shrimp. They throw shrimp. They catch it like a fucking walrus? Okay. There's drugs, dude.

Starting point is 01:11:53 Is there a lot of drugs right now? I've been hearing there's a lot of drugs in the Asian community, a lot of Trank or whatever. I've been hearing there's like a lot of, I've been hearing that Trank is the big thing in the Asian community. Is that true? Like chanx for trank or whatever? It's like, just hear me out. It's like if I said to you, man, I heard there's a lot of shoelaces in the white community.

Starting point is 01:12:16 Yeah. Does that make any sense to you? Like why would, like honestly, man, I heard there's a lot of fucking glitter in the black community. I mean, it doesn't make whatever you're saying Does it I feel like you're just coming up with Asian shit Yeah, yeah, you're just like you're just like I heard there's a lot of you know, I mean Don't Google. Yeah. Well, no what I'm saying is is that do you know? I'm so you make me so mad sometimes dude, really? Yeah, no, I'm saying is is that do you know I'm so you make me so mad sometimes dude really no I'm fine I'm sorry Google agents and drugs Asians for trunk

Starting point is 01:12:52 Dear reports widespread wait wait. It's purple. So you've looked it up before Why would you look that up already these guys for some of these guys live here all night Why would you look that up already? Some of these guys live here all night. The DEA reports widespread threat of fentanyl mixed with xylazine. That's trank daddy. Where does it say Asians on that? Well let's see, it's going to get there. Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced.

Starting point is 01:13:17 Fentanyl even deadlier, said Administrator Milgram of the DEA. The DEA has seen xylazine and fentanyl mixed in 48 of 50 states. The system is reporting that in 2022 approximately 23% of fentanyl powder and 7% of fentanyl pills seized by the DEA contain xylazine. Okay, I know where the Asian comes from. Can I tell you where are? Yeah. This is what you read. Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced. Fentanyl, even deadlier. Said administration, Milgram.

Starting point is 01:13:46 And it says right here, no, up there. It says also known as Trank. You think that's an Asian word? Trank. It's not. But Trank is obviously an Asian name. Yeah, I know, but you can't. You know what I'm talking about?

Starting point is 01:14:02 I know what you're talking about, but I'm just saying that's not what it's referring to. I think it's referring to tranquilizer. Oh? I know what you're talking about! But I'm just saying, that's not what it's referring to. I think it's referring to tranquilizer. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I'm saying is it's like, you know what I mean? Tranquilizer. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was like, um, Trank seems like a, like a

Starting point is 01:14:16 Vietnamese or Korean nickname. You agree? Trank. Trunk? I just... Like Matt, like Matthew Trunk? I just... Like Matt, like Matthew Trunk? I know. Matthew Trunk. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 01:14:29 Graduate. I know. Graduate, sociology major. Yeah, so dude, I want to let you know, dude. But that is Trunk. That's fentanyl. I understand, but that has nothing to do with Asians. Okay.

Starting point is 01:14:39 Okay, let's just move on. Google, go to images then. See if we get any. Okay, here we go. Yeah, you're right, maybe. Cool, go to images then. See if we get any. Okay, here we go. Yeah, you're right, maybe. Right there. You tell me that face is an ASEAN? I think you're right.

Starting point is 01:14:58 Asians for Trent? Yeah, yeah, I think you're right. Well, you know, I learned something new, thank you. I'm sorry for attacking you. Yeah, it's okay, right. Well, you know, I learned something new, thank you. I'm sorry for attacking you. Yeah, it's okay, man. It breaks my heart, though. It's just sad. Is this someone on track right here?

Starting point is 01:15:10 Look at her sneakers, she is a brand new druggy. Oh, this is somebody on track, dude. On fentanyl. Dude, could you pause that for a second? Dude, sometimes people with, they're on fentanyl. It's almost as if they're doing yoga, but then they freeze like I want to do downward dog I shouldn't even made a joke like that. Well, it's sad that this is like you were done fentanyl No, hope not. Yeah me either. I

Starting point is 01:15:39 Could I remember years ago Viking and really fucked me up really? I was addicted the viking would you take it at night or during the day? All day long. Like from like, dude, I got, dude, Drew Barrymore. I swear to God, I think still hates me because of that. Wow. I'll tell you why.

Starting point is 01:15:57 For doing Vicodin? No, because I used to have a bowl of Vicodin in my fucking dressing room at MADtv. And The Strokes played one night Oh, wow, right? Yeah, and I guess the drummer was dating drew Barrymore, right? He was trying to get sober or something like that, but they all ended up going into my room and eating all my pills Yeah, you know cuz I'm generous. Yeah, fuck it. Go get it right and then I heard that she Was mad at me Because you had it's not your fault. That's true. It's not your fault that you had them I'm like, go get it, right? And then I heard that she was mad at me.

Starting point is 01:16:26 Because you had, it's not your fault. That's true. It's not your fault that you had them. I know, that's true. We can't, you know, it's weird to blame the dealer unless the dealer was like pushing them on you. Were you pushing them on them? Yeah. I was.

Starting point is 01:16:38 Dude, I'm sorry if I'm being rude. I feel now, am I being like? Dude, what are you talking about, dude? All right. Listen, guy. What? What? Oh, no, no.

Starting point is 01:16:48 Okay. Listen, guy. Yeah. What are you doing? I'm listening. Oh, that's you? Yeah, I'm listening. If I'm really mad, well, you know, because you? Yeah, I'm listening.

Starting point is 01:17:10 You if I'm really mad well, you know because you didn't give me your number for a long time Yeah, but you know that when I have a resentment. I didn't know it also. Yeah, you did fuck off. All right Yeah, fuck you dude. I'm you're right. Yeah. Yeah If I was mad at you, I'm very comfortable of going, listen, I have an issue. Have you ever had an issue with me, be honest. Have you ever had a resentment toward me, like I wish he didn't do that or? No, sometimes I feel like it's a little tough to try and get to know you kind of,

Starting point is 01:17:37 but I think it's tough to try and get to know comedians. You know? Yeah, but that being said, I mean I'm a comedian, right? It's hard to know any comedian. And I think everybody loves you so much that it's like you want that guy to know, you want to know that guy better. I think, you know? Dude, I, I, I, I, Out of all the comics I know,

Starting point is 01:17:58 I feel like I'm closest, you're one of the closest ones to me. And if that, I mean, I'm trying my best. You know what I mean? I like you. And if that, I mean, I'm trying my best. You know what I mean? I like you, I like Bert, I like Whitney, I love Andrew, you know what I mean? Tom, some, Segura, you know what I mean? But it's like, you know, I try, dude.

Starting point is 01:18:13 And you're busy. Yeah, I'm pretty busy, you know what I mean? But it's like, you know, we do the best we can with what we have. And what's going on, you know? You are, um. You are, um, dong, dong, dong. You are, you are, dong, dong, dong, um, dong dong dong. You are, you are a.

Starting point is 01:18:25 You are a dong dong dong dong dong dong. You are, hey, you are a dong dong dong. Baby, baby, dong dong dong dong. Okay. Are you a gun owner or not? Nah. You a gun owner? Nah nah nah nah.

Starting point is 01:18:37 You don't have a gun at home? Numchucks. Numchucks, dude. Chinese stars, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do the Chinese star. Eh? Yeah. Have you used Chinese star? No, I never use it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do the Chinese star. Yeah. Have you used Chinese star?

Starting point is 01:18:46 No, I never use it. Oh, well, well, well. What the fuck? Well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lie, I lie. No. That's not a real gun, dude. That's a real... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that one of those guns that starts a race?

Starting point is 01:19:02 Yeah. Ready, set, go! The burglars just run off when you fire it. That's a plastic BB kind of a gun. What's the other one? And that looks like a gun. That was on a TV show.

Starting point is 01:19:18 Look at that acting. That's Miami Vice, huh? No, it was Magnum. On what? Have you been dating a lot or not? Alright, let's- you wanna get into it? Yeah, cause it seems like a lot of stories you tell have had dating in them. I'm trying to- okay.

Starting point is 01:19:38 Um, I'm trying to find, um, the love of my life. Are you really? I think I'm ready. Okay, bub. You look like Stevie right now. How are you doing? No, I, listen, I'm, I like some of the girls that I'm dating now,

Starting point is 01:20:01 but they're kind of flaky. Like, you know, I won't call it on a Thursday Because I know because I've said like let's go to dinner and hang out, right? And so then Thursday will come around like nah, I don't want to do it now where I'm busy. Like bitch, I sacrificed Stage time. You know how valuable stage time is? You know what I mean? It's like that kind of shit. And then it's like, yeah, I just, and also, do I fully trust them?

Starting point is 01:20:34 You know what I mean? I think so, man. No, I want to be able to find somebody that I fully can confide in and go, this is how I feel, you know what I mean? And I want somebody to also give me suggestions or like feedback that I kind of honor and respect and go, oh yeah, that's a good angle, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:20:54 It's just like, but then also I want somebody hot, right? So to find that combination, you know what I mean? We want somebody you're attracted to. Yeah, somebody I'm attracted to. Like what I find attractive isn't necessarily what you think, I think so though. I think you and I like the Yeah, somebody I'm attracted to. Like, what I find attractive isn't necessarily what you think, and I think so, though. I think you and I like the same, maybe. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:21:09 You don't? No, I never. The couple of girls I've seen you with over the years are people, I mean, are people that I would be like, I mean, there's this one girl that you used to see that I just thought you should marry, but. Yeah. I remember.

Starting point is 01:21:23 that you used to see that I just thought you should marry but yeah Good I just saw regret there. I guess I regret there did yeah, yeah, yeah, it's couldn't get it But that's the thing I think that you and I have the same kind of issues. I think we have intimacy issues Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think that um it's hard for us to get really vulnerable I mean I had that with Kailila for 10 years, but she was the first one in many, many years that I could do that with. There's just something about her that I was able to, we were able to do that, right?

Starting point is 01:21:54 But it's like- But did the intimacy freeze up after a while? It was hard to be like, sensual or whatever? The truth is, I think that, God. I, you know, the truth is, is I think that, oh God, I can't fucking, I think it's this. You want me to say fuck it or not? No, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:22:14 Okay, I want to say that. Don't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I want to say is, the problem with us, because number one, we go up on stage, right? And what's more exciting than that? The business inherently is super exciting,

Starting point is 01:22:31 and there's dopamine hits. Right, I'm gonna get a lot of feeling from right there. Right, and so then also, you and I are also recovering drug addicts, so we like excitement, right? And we don't like the same old thing, right? So there is something about meeting somebody new, right? Right, it's almost like you get that, yeah, you get that forgetful syndrome.

Starting point is 01:22:53 It's like you, yeah. Right. But at the end of the day, and I've never said this out loud before, and I think I fucked it up with Kalyla. And I think that I wish I would have done it over again. Because I would have changed some things, right? At this point it's too late, you know what I mean? We both have moved on.

Starting point is 01:23:12 But there's a lot of regret there. And I swear to God, dude, I will, the next girl I meet that, you know, and there's a couple of girls that have potential I'll be honest with you right now. Mm-hmm, but I the next thing I'm gonna do it differently number one I'm gonna get rid of all my machines Wow, really? Yep, I have a vacuum cleaner

Starting point is 01:23:42 And what is that like a sex thing or something? Or you mean an actual carpet cleaner? No, dude, I showed up at Bad Friends one day and somebody had sent me something that, I swear to God, is the size of a vacuum cleaner, right? It was like this big with all these tubes and stuff. It was a sex toy. No. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:03 Of course, I took it home. And you used it? I plugged it in. Oh, dude, I have so many of toy. No. Yeah. Of course I took it home. And you used it? I plugged it in. Oh dude, I have so many of them. I have so many of them. And I stick it in. I do do do do do do. Vroom.

Starting point is 01:24:15 And what does it play? It just Beethoven's here or whatever? Yeah. Da da da da. Da da da da. Yeah, yeah. It's a, and vroom, right? And you do do do.

Starting point is 01:24:24 Oh. Huh. Huh. What? What? Do do do. Yeah, yeah, it's a right Put it on Christmas I swear to God these new machines dude. It sucks you in dude. They never let go dude. I'm 80 days off pornography right now. Wow, I'm gonna give you a machine man. No. Please. I don't want anything like that. I know but you gotta try it.

Starting point is 01:24:54 What does it do? It does three things. Okay. Okay. Not just one thing dude. Okay. Alright. Is it gas powered or you plug it in?

Starting point is 01:25:03 No it's not gas. The vacuum cleaner I will probably not use again because I almost, I had to grab parts of my penis inside the fucking little filter They're right, but it took stuff out. So it was too powerful. Okay, but I want to say this. Okay, I Have one that I bought at the hustler store. Yeah, right And it is three things And that was really just two things so it vibrates and sucks. Wow. Right?

Starting point is 01:25:29 And so, you know what I mean? Does it sort coins? I think it might. Hell yeah. Yeah, I think it might, yeah, yeah. How long do you have to stay on it for eight seconds? No, what I do is I, it's also waterproof. That's a key.

Starting point is 01:25:41 Yeah. Yeah. But, so, yeah, I know, so the next relationship I met, that's what you do? It makes me just. No daddy, no. What? Stop, don't touch me there daddy.

Starting point is 01:25:55 Who's daddy? Yeah. It hurts but it feels good too daddy. Daddy sound like a man dude. What? Daddy sounds like a man. Yeah dude, yeah. It better be a man, bro. Yeah, dude, yeah. That better be a chick named Daddy.

Starting point is 01:26:07 Yeah, don't do... Do you miss your dad? Huh? Yeah, I miss my dad, dude. When did he die? What year did he die? Bring up a picture of my dad. He died in 1996. Do you miss him though, yeah, yeah, I didn't I don't know Cuz I didn't like yeah, I miss him. I just wish that I knew him better, you know, do you miss your dad?

Starting point is 01:26:38 Yeah, that's dude. You just hit it on the fucking nail on the coffin Was that the wrong way to say it? You hit the nail. Here's the thing, I don't know nothing about him. Really? Yeah, because my dad didn't speak English, right? And I barely spoke Korean. So everything was like, for instance,

Starting point is 01:27:01 you know, like when you're in high school, for instance, and you're going, let's say I was a white kid, I was going out, and your dad gives you like a little pep talk, like you know, don't you're in high school, for instance, and you're going, let's say I was a white kid, I was going out, and your dad gives you like a little pep talk, like, you know, don't drink and drive, right? Also, you know, if you're in trouble, give me a call, or whatever, whatever they say, you know what I mean? But my dad didn't do that, he would just go, I go, goodbye dad, he'd go, don't do.

Starting point is 01:27:20 And I'd go, okay, I won't do. I mean, that's it, That's the, that's it. If I asked my dad, tell me about how you feel. I don't know it. You're good, but they don't like. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, what's your favorite pasta? Oh, I like, you know, it's very good.

Starting point is 01:27:40 You know, like he does, there's, dude. So everything. Bro, bro, bro. He never, bro, he didn, there's, dude. Bro, bro, bro. He never, bro. He didn't know what music was. He didn't know what music was. Right? So when he, he had a stroke, right?

Starting point is 01:27:57 Oh gosh, I didn't know that. I knew your dad passed away, I didn't know he had a stroke. Yeah, he had many strokes. So he had two major strokes and a couple of mini ones. Different strokes, you ever seen that show? Yeah, I love it, dude. Yeah, he had two Willis's. What you talking about, Willis?

Starting point is 01:28:12 You know what I mean? Anyway, great show. Oh yeah, and one Mr. Drummond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one that really shook him. So what was I, oh, what I was saying. Oh, so he had a bunch of strokes and I had AirPods, and I was at his house in Phoenix. And I go,

Starting point is 01:28:31 Dad, he's like, oh, you know, he goes, yeah. I go, will you listen to music for the first time? I mean, obviously he's been to a mall, and he's heard it, right? But he doesn't know, he doesn't have a fanfare band, or he doesn't know what Beethoven is or whatever. And so I put in Eric Clapton's, what's it? Tears in Heaven.

Starting point is 01:28:51 Tears in Heaven. I put it in, my Steve was there too, my brother, and we've pushed play, and tears came down my dad's face. No way. Right? It was the first time he goes, Dad, beautiful.

Starting point is 01:29:09 Wow. It was incredible. And then he died. Damn. Yeah. So he didn't, I didn't learn anything from the dude. And it's- But were you ashamed of him, it feels like?

Starting point is 01:29:19 You were embarrassed by him for some reason? I hated him. And you know, I've told this story before, but not on this, I don't think. When I was, I've told this a couple of times. You mind if I tell the story? Yeah, no, I haven't heard it. Yeah, I don't know it.

Starting point is 01:29:36 You know, who do I live with? Your friends. Noah. I have cats. Oh yeah. I have three cats. Yeah, I think you have, I have cats. Oh yeah, I have three cats. Yeah, I think you have a couple of cats. Yeah, and so when I was a kid I loved them. Something about them, the cats.

Starting point is 01:29:54 Just cats in general. And when I was eight I go, could I get a cat? And they got me a cat, a kitten. I named him Tommy. And they wouldn't put him in the house. We put him in the garage, we had like a little fence thing in the garage.

Starting point is 01:30:11 That's fair. Yeah, good compromise. And then over the summer, every day, I just sat with Tommy, eight hours a day, however long. He was the love of my life. And then one day, a couple of months later, three months later, I go to the garage. He's completely gone. So I go, Mom, Dad. And they came in the garage.

Starting point is 01:30:31 I go, where's Tom? And my dad goes, Mommy, she allergic. And I go, uh-huh. He said, Tom gone. And he goes, stop crying. And then he just left the garage. There was like no room for compromise or anything, like whatever he, that's why I hate authority figures. Right? There was no room for discussion. I didn't know where Tom went. Stop crying, shut the fuck up, and that's it.

Starting point is 01:31:00 And that was the day where I looked at my parents and I went Okay, it's war It's war I started doing drugs Yeah, you know me and raising hell raising hell lighting things on fire. I'm gonna go embarrassed that family. Yeah, and it's like That's why if I I mean if I had a kid, I mean, how would you approach that? I was a kid, your wife is allergic to the fucking cat, and I'm your kid, be real. Don't do comedy, don't do comedy right now.

Starting point is 01:31:31 I would probably get a shank. So I'm your dad, I'm your son. Hey, Dan. Love me. No, no, you don't have to. Do it, sorry, just do it like me. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:31:41 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't have to have an Asian accent. I don't know what country. I don't know what country you live. I don't know, no, no, no, don't know where you're going to have an Asian accent. I don't know what country we're in. No, you're in America. Who gives a fuck? Well, give me a setting there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to be that specific? Yeah, you're just okay. You live in Nashville.

Starting point is 01:31:50 Okay. Your wife is white. You're my son. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not Asian. All right. Make believe that I'm your biological son. Okay.

Starting point is 01:31:58 Right? Yeah. Hey, daddy. Hey, Chuck. Hey, Chuck. Hey, Chuck. Hey, Chuck. Hey, Chuck. Hey, Chuck You're my son. Yeah, I'm not Asian. Alright.

Starting point is 01:32:05 Make believe that I'm your biological son. Okay. Right? Yeah. Hey daddy. Hey Chucky, what's up? How was school buddy? Chucky's good, daddy.

Starting point is 01:32:16 Chucky's good? Yeah daddy. How was school, huh? School was great, daddy. I hear they're holding you back again. They're holding me back, you know, like father like son, daddy. Yes sir. Yeah, yeah holding me back, you know, like father like son, Daddy. Yes, sir.

Starting point is 01:32:26 Yeah, yeah. Hey, dude, you know what I mean? Gang him up, gang him up. Gang him up, boy, I love you, Chuckie. I wanna tell you- Hey, Daddy, gang him up. I know we had a cat here yesterday. Yeah, yeah, so where's Tommy? Your mother's allergic to cats.

Starting point is 01:32:38 Oh, so where's Tommy, Daddy? Mom gets sick. Mom gets- I understand, I understand. If we have cat, Mom gets sick. I know, but where's Tommy now? Tommy is gonna be at your aunt's house and you can go play with him in the afternoon. That's, dude, that's it.

Starting point is 01:32:53 That's what you're supposed to do. Now your aunt drinks a lot of wine. And she gets a little handsy with the kids, you know? She gets what they call fronzie of hands. Yeah, daddy, I don't don't know the specifics of like how My auntie's behavior is gonna be like is he she gonna hurt when she gets drunk? Is she gonna hurt Tommy? No, she just might love him as much as you do Right cuz I know that my cousins have all black eyes is because you know, your cousins are black

Starting point is 01:33:18 That's why oh, he's they were adopted. Yeah, I forgot daddy. Yeah, you just got a role with me here Yeah, yeah, all black people daddy. You taught me that Amen, brother. I'm gonna go inside now. Gang up. What? Come inside today. You relax out here. No daddy. Can I come inside today? You relax? I know why do I just sleep outside daddy? You don't just wait till the Sun comes down Daddy, but I wish I could just have my own room. No, we're gonna put some treats right up by the door for you All right. We're gonna put a craft singer out here. I love you daddy.

Starting point is 01:33:47 Love you too, bro. Gang him dad. Gang. Gang gang. Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good dude. Good dad dude. Pretty good dude.

Starting point is 01:33:55 You'll be a good dad. How long have we gone? We'll finish up in a second. Halloween's coming up. Wait, wait, wait, can we cut this part out? How's it going? This podcast? I have no idea.

Starting point is 01:34:04 It's very funny. Where'd it all happen? No, honestly, how is it going? I feel like I've been the worst I've ever been on the show. No, I swear to God this is this is awesome. It's been fun, man. Do you ever get that though? Because dude, you understand Monday I did two hours of Burt, then I did probably three fucking Tiger Bellies, which is like over an hour apiece. You talk so much. You just fucking don't know at one point. Dude, you and I have talked, think about it, thousands of hours of nonsense. Yeah. Fucking nonsense.

Starting point is 01:34:37 Crazy, huh? Yeah. And there's times where I'm sorry, you just kinda go, I don't even know what else to say anymore. Yeah. You know what I to say anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's why we gotta have experiences in the world

Starting point is 01:34:48 so we can have more stuff to talk about, or we have to talk about people that we can learn stuff from that have had experiences. And George, George is here, my producer, from Time to Bell, right? He's okay. And so George, he's changed a lot. Oh, too, so much.

Starting point is 01:34:59 But George, dude, it's like, I've talked so much, you trying to bleed me dry? No, you're doing great, this is the best ever. Now that sounds like, condescending dude. Yeah, it sounds like something, somebody, he's the only guy that killed Elvis, remember his manager or whatever? Snow Cone or whatever that dude's name was?

Starting point is 01:35:19 What was his name? Wait, his name was Snow Cone? Yeah. You mean Tom Hanks' character? Yeah. Yeah. Would you fuck Austin? He's like, you're doing great. Would you fuck Austin Butler What if I'm Austin Butler? No, I'd fuck Elvis probably

Starting point is 01:35:29 Would you have fucked Elvis? I? Don't know would you have Cleopatra? Who was that in the history of she was the Egypt Queen? Oh, yeah, but it's hard to know what you really look like. Yeah, that's true But if you're gonna travel all the way back in time, you gotta smash, you feel me? I think you'd have an easier time smashing than me. What about Frederick Douglass? The black guy? Smash or pass?

Starting point is 01:35:52 Smash, smash for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Although he is probably, oh, look at him. Do you think he has a gapy butthole or no? Huh? I don't know, I heard he's got an underground railroad. Yeah, I'm just saying. That's insane. That's insane what you just said there.

Starting point is 01:36:06 They're going to hell. I did hear that he was gay, but I don't know that. They should bring that hairstyle back. A lot of my black friends are saying that he enjoyed the pleasure as a man. Dude, that hairstyle has to come back. Oh yeah. What is that? It's like an afro, but conch? Conch?

Starting point is 01:36:22 Conch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that? It's like an afro, but conk? Conch? Conch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Conk? A conk. What's that hairstyle?

Starting point is 01:36:30 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. It's not really straightened, but he kind of combed the afro. What is a conk hairstyle? What is the conk hairstyle? Yeah, there it is, it's a conk hairstyle. A conk is a hairstyle that was worn

Starting point is 01:36:42 by some African American men between 1940s and early 1960s The name comes from the congo lean a live bass gel used to chemically straighten or relax hair Once straightened people styled their hair into pompadour's or wore it slick back Yeah, they have um it kind of has a look that maybe Bruno Mars would kind of ride right right right Malcolm X Did it on his book Bruno Mars is Filipino though in the Malcolm X book. There's a lot of conch hairstyles. Yeah. Yeah, I could see Bruno having it rocking it though What a talented man. Yeah. Yeah, let's look at a couple tick tocks and let's get Bobby on the road anything new That's happening tick tocking

Starting point is 01:37:19 Yep, we got a couple This is the this stuff. Are you good at this stuff? What is it looking like looking at stuff and then commenting on it? Why do you do it? Well, I like to show things that I'm amazed by okay. Listen, I want to be amazed This is a deaf rapper Oh shit Oh Shit MC Baba We're going to hell this we're very good. What else we got man? Hit me one more off of my faves or that starred unmasking me look at this I'm not saying they're taking our jobs,

Starting point is 01:38:08 but look at it again, dude. Smoking. Bro. What is going on? What is going on, dude? Yeah, fumar, you know? Fumarkey Mouse. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:21 I mean, there should be a rule. Yeah, dude, there should be a rule What do you think the rule is I think I want many in the costume to be a woman that's their number one rule Yeah, yeah, what about Mexican woman? That's fine. That's fine with me to me me Yeah, but with a Mexican man who looks like the guy that worked for Jimmy Kimmel. What's that security guard? Oh, her tins? Yeah, that's him dude. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah, that's like a tall Hortensio Yeah, they don't have that one more bring it up. Oh It's a marriage proposal. This is crazy, bro. This is what you got to do Bobby if you're gonna meet someone. Yeah The car jacking right Wow take the husband they take the husband yeah They take the husband? Yeah, break all the car windows.

Starting point is 01:39:23 Fucking... That's insane. Imagine, dude. You fucking... That's insane. Imagine, dude. You know what? Love is love. Love is love, dude. Wow. It's good to know.

Starting point is 01:39:33 You know what's funny, dude? One time whenever we do this, we'll both be married. We will. We have to start to believe that, Bobby, because if we don't, dude, then we never will be, man. And it's's gonna get weird, bro Can we promise us each other this? We can do group vacations like couple vacations Yeah, if we're married and then when they're like girls are surfing or doing their little thing

Starting point is 01:39:58 Mm-hmm, we you and I can get together. Yeah hit a meeting chat do something. Yeah, they'll be fun Anyways, really nice. I'm gonna see you soon, right? Yeah, I gotta do bad friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thank you I love you, man. Yeah. Thank you on the stone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones. But it's gonna take a little...

This Past Weekend - E530 Bobby Lee

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.