This Past Weekend - Easter Feaster: This Past Weekend #85

Episode Date: April 2, 2018

Easter from Baton Rouge. A few calls. Other stuff. Music: "Seth Saves Spring" by Isaac George https://soundcloud.com/isaac-george-1/seth-saves-spring Greyblock Pizza: https://www.greyblockpizza.com LiveRaise for streaming: https://www.liveraise.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Gunt in Sixty Seconds! Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Ben Limes Alexis Caniglia Stoody Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk megan Wrynn Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Ken Melvin Ray Stacy Lorell Loretta Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And, uh, you know, Happy Easter. Happy Easter. Happy Easter. Happy Easter! That's it. That's it. That's that soft hitter coming in right there. Oh yeah. That's something. Yeah, that's something you could wash a baby to right there.

Imagine you washing a baby. Imagine. A baby you know, not just a random kid. Imagine that. Let's go back into the music. Not just a random kid. Imagine that. Let's go back into the music.

Oh, you might even scrub under that baby's arms. This is that kind of music. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's how you keep that baby clean right there. You got to put on good music. You know, my mother used to wash me sometime when I was young to Brian Adams. I remember when I was young, my mom would put us all in the yard sometimes. You know, if we've been out playing in the mud or just you know fighting or sometimes people would

in our neighborhood would burn stuff in the ditch and um you know and after the you know a couple days after whenever it was just a bunch of ash in the ditch or you know black ash or something in the ditch we would do this thing called dirty donuts where we would put like water all over our skin and get out in the ash. And you would get ash all over your body and you would look, I don't know, I guess kind of fun a little bit, but mostly just kind of covered in charcoal. And I always remember that that was kind of like a fun thing we would do. And then my mom would spray us down with a hose out in the yard all at once. You know, she would wash us all at once and she would put on some Bryan Adams sometimes in the house while she would do it. And I think it's probably at once. You know, she would wash us all at once, and she would put on some Bryan Adams sometimes in the house while she would do it.

And I think it's probably more fun, you know, I don't have any children, but it's probably more fun to wash your children to music than just sitting there washing them. So, but yeah, this seemed like the kind of music you would wash a baby to, and this is called Seth Saves Spring from Isaac George. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And that's definitely something that you would clean a child to. What's up, guys? Happy Easter. Thank you guys for being here with me today. I hope your weekend was good. You know, I'm down here in Baton Rouge. I'm down here in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

And I'm down here by my brother's house because he has a house down here. And he's married. He has a family. I've been here before. If some of you guys are on the YouTube, you'll see, you know, a regular background that you've seen before here whenever I'm down here. And I've had a good time, man. I had fun down here. You know, get down here into the south and you see people.

Had enough cake today. And, you know, you don't want to. The thing is with me, I'll tell you what happened with me and desserts. Okay? So here's the thing. I'll have a. Like there'll be a dessert at the party. And I'll be like, I'll have a little, you know.

But then, here's the thing. Other people come to the party late and they bring another dessert and you don't want to let them down. You know, I don't want somebody to just see me just look at their dessert and walk off. You know, like I'm some kind of, you know, like I'm like a deadbeat dad, you know, like I'm some kind of deadbeat dessert dad, you know, who just looks at his son and just walks off or moves away, moves to Akron or, you know, moves to, you know, Norfolk. You know, I want to be, you know, I want to be that participant. And so if I see a dessert and it looks good enough, you know, I have to stay there and spend some time with it. And that's what happened to me today. I didn't plan on eating a lot of desserts. But next thing you know, somebody showed up stay there and spend some time with it. And that's what happened to me today. I didn't plan on eating a lot of desserts, but next thing you know, somebody showed up with

this and somebody showed up with that. And then somebody, you know, somebody put a bunch of animal crackers in the oven and fucking baked them and they were already baked, but now they're hot animal crackers. My defense is rest. And I'm guilty. I'm about to prosecute my stomach with about 30 of them matches. And I had some Mississippi mud. So, you know, this beautiful tall lady showed up with a thing of Mississippi mud. And I mean, God dang, that thing was, I mean, this dessert container was probably a foot deep. I mean, you could have got stuck in there. You could have lost a friend in there if you had a small friend. And so I had some of that. And next thing you know, lost a friend in there if you had a small friend. And so I had some of that. And next thing you know, I've only had about a little bit of regular food, you know, maybe a small cut of ham. You

know, I think I had a small cut of ham and then probably 19 desserts. And then I can't even feel my face because I feel like my whole face is just infested with sugar. And, you know, and then I just start not feeling good. And then I'm depressed. And then I'm like changing into my running clothes. And everybody's like relaxing because it's Easter. And now I'm that freaking creep that's going for a run on Easter. And it's just, you know, sometimes when you get into that, you know, I get into that Bermuda Triangle of desserts. And it just can be dark for me. It can be really, really dark.

So usually what I'll do is just decide, you know what, today I'm going to eat whatever. I'm just going to go like that. And I wish we didn't even care about what we ate. You know, I think there was a long time ago, probably back in the old days, you know, now everybody's so concerned about their diets. Everybody's on the diet. I'm on this, you know, I'm on Atkins. I'm on Jerry Atkins. You know, I'm a senior. You know, I'm on keto. You know, I'm on Kato Kaelin. I'm on, you know, I only eat cheeseburgers during murders. You know, everybody's on something. I'm on vegetables. I'm on, you know, broccolini. You know, I only eat by my stepmother's house. My buddy told me he's on that diet. I'm

like, that's not a fucking diet. You're going to starve. You're an idiot. But everybody's on some type of diet. Somebody's like, I'm on water and limes. I'm like, eh, that's not a diet. That's somebody that's probably going to die on an island. So some of this stuff isn't diets.

Sorry, there's a call came in and I have a ringtone. I'm a teenager. But yeah, everybody's on a diet. Everybody's on something, you know? And it's just, but back in the old days, you weren't on a diet. If somebody shot an animal,

that's what you ate. If somebody killed a, you know, a bushel of corn, that's what you ate. Somebody showed up with a, you know, a little bit of Labrador, a couple of Labrador medallions. That's what you ate. That was it. I mean, there were probably years where people were eating this or eating that. You know, I'm not trying to be vile, but people were, you know, having German Shepherd for dinner.

A long time ago in in the 1700s? Come on. You know, people were having ham. You know, ham was, you kill a pig and that was it. Somebody shoot a dove or an owl. And that was it. And that's what you ate. There wasn't an opportunity for all this dieting.

But now, you know, once we get, you know, we get a little bit more sedentary and that food starts to build up in us. So it's just a different time now. And so now, you know, we're a little bit more concerned. And we didn't have mirrors back then. That's another thing. Maybe instead of diet and we just get rid of all the mirrors. Have we thought about that yet? I mean, sometimes I wish we could just have a big mirror burning.

You know, everybody just shows up and throws a damn mirror into a big gorge. One of these empty gorges and just throws a bunch of gasoline in there or turpentine and lights that bitch up. Let's burn these mirrors so who knows who's fat? Who knows who's out of shape? Who knows who's feeling a little, you know, if you lift your arm up and you can't lift it up. who's feeling a little, you know, if you lift your arm up and you can't lift it up, or if your underarm just, you know, I got a buddy, he's got his underarms have kind of become tits under his arm and they still have all that hair on that underarm hair. So he'll lift his arm up and it's like this just hair tit kind of pops out from under his arm. And I don't know why, I don't know

what's going on with him. He's like like I'm thinking I need a diet I'm like I think you need a haircut on them tits first and go from there but it's you know it's just uh before we were infected with all these diets I think we used to enjoy our time a little bit more and I guess if I could look back on today a little bit I probably wish I would have not thought about you know calories and all of this and that as much but I would have just been you know more focused on the day but we had we had you know had a nice weekend had a bunch of crawfish and crawfish is just a it's just a fancy snail that's down the fuck really I mean that thing is it's like a shrimp that's you know I mean I've talked about it before crawfish it's like a shrimp that's you know i mean i've talked about

it before crawfish is just like a shrimp that's um from rome it's basically a roman shrimp and those things i mean they are when you get down here in louisiana especially in this time of year on easter it's you know it's not surprising to go to a crawfish bowl where somebody's boiling 400 pounds of crawfish. 400 pounds. And you get that and eat that. And I guess when you do get down here in Louisiana, it is a little bit more like you eat what's available. You eat whatever.

I mean, I've talked about it before, but I had some family members, they killed two owls for Thanksgiving a couple years ago. They were short on funds at the house, and the dad was selling tires. He used to sell used tires. You know what? You think people use... A lot of people nowadays,

they just get fucking new tires. That used tire market is... I don't know if it's non-existent or what. But he would... They didn't have a lot of money, so they had two owls. And they fattened up a couple owls. And you might ask, why did they have two owls?

Because one owl doesn't have a lot of meat on it. An owl is basically like a skinny woman in a thick dress. That's what it is. Owls look fat. They're not. They look like they're storing a lot of meat. They're not. They're not at all. So it's really a ruse that a lot of these owls look fat they're not they look like they store in a lot of meat they're not they're not

at all so it's really a ruse that a lot of these owls put on but anyhow man my mother used to uh i remember she used to hose us down and put on some brian adams and that was a good time back in the day and i i do think it's probably more fun to wash your children to music than it is to just wash your kids like some kind of creep in the silence you know like it's some kind of damn you know i don't know i don't even know it just sounds real creepy washing your kids with no background music going on sounds like real um like a crime or something but anyhow welcome man to this past weekend and it is April. It is spring. It is April 2nd, actually. And I'm down here in Louisiana. I'm not going to make this a crazy wild episode because, you know, it's Easter and I've been relaxing. You know, and I got them. I mean, I had so much frosting today that I would test positive. I would test positive for frosting.

test positive, I would test positive for frosting, if you, if you, you know, I think if you, if you took my blood type right now, I would probably say Swiss Miss, I would come back positive for Swiss Miss, I'm just, you know, I got that all in me, I got that confetti, because my nieces made me a cake, and I'll be honest, these little motherfuckers can't bake shit, dude, it was, but I ate it, you know, and that's another thing, these children show up with baked goods, and you have to eat them, you know, they want you to eat it, like what is it, it's chocolate chip, I'm like, it's burnt, you know, and it looks like a fish stick. But whatever. That's what's going on, man.

And happy Easter to you guys. And I remember, you know, I think it's fun, you know, hiding the children's baskets. You know, my nieces and nephews, they got all their baskets hidden. And they, you know, I get over here today and they're telling me where they found it under the table and this and that. And I started thinking about the Easter rabbit. And you know, they were saying, yeah, the Easter bunny came. And I'm thinking how lucky it is if you're, you know, back in the day, whenever they were, you know, auditioning animals or whatever to, to get the role of the Easter animal. Cause that thing could have been any thing about it. That could have been anything. It could have been Easter mongoose, Easter swine, Easter orangutan.

That could have been anything. But it's, you know, that rabbit got that job. And if that rabbit doesn't book that role, then rabbits are, they wouldn't, I don't think they would have had some of the luxurious life that they've had. Because think about it. some of the luxurious life that they've had. Because think about it. Rabbits, they're basically squirrels, fat squirrels that fuck a lot

and have big eyes. That's what a rabbit is. So to see them book that gig of being an Easter animal and being that, they're like the Napoleon of candy. To see rabbits get that gig and get out there,

it kind of shaped their whole existence, I feel like, at least in America. I don't know what animal is the Easter animal in other countries. It could be a... I don't know what it could be. They could have an Easter cricket in Spain. They probably have an Easter kangaroo in Australia. I don't know what it could be. They could have an Easter cricket in Spain. You know, they probably have an Easter kangaroo in Australia.

I don't know. Because otherwise, rabbits are, I mean, they're kind of a strange animal. You know, they'll fuck anywhere. You know, they got that kind of, I mean, they got that Jamaican blood in them. I don't know if you have any friends that are Jamaican, but man, you leave two Jamaicans behind a shiffer robe. You'll come back a little while later, there'll be 19 Jamaicans there. Jamaicans like to hit it and spray and make more Jamaicans because Jamaicans are partiers. They like to have fun. So if you have another Jamaican around you and y'all can make other Jamaicans, you're like, fuck yeah, let's make a party. You know, they're not fucking to procreate and to make a family. A lot of Jamaicans are like,

let's fuck. So there's more people at this party. And that's how, you know, that's how otherwise rabbits, I think would have just been like that. They would have just been like, you know, this kind of this animal that was out fucking all the time. But instead, you know, this kind of, this animal that was out fucking all the time. But instead, you know, rabbits booked that role of the Easter animal and they got that. They have a little bit more jumeau secours. And that's French. What does that even mean, jumeau secours? I think it means French for like pomp and circumstance.

So, but that's a lucky animal. Because it could have been anything. It could have been, you know, it could have been a frog. It could have been the Easter frog. And that would be probably creepy to think for kids. But in some places, that's probably normal. In Germany, it might be an Easter frog. I don't know what some of the other countries do. But I grew up, I remember, I didn't see a lot of, I guess, I didn't see a lot of stray rabbits until I worked on a farm.

I used to work on a farm outside of Faraday, Louisiana, which is where Jerry Lee Lewis is from. And I didn't see a lot of stray rabbits until I worked up there. And I do remember, actually, when I was really young, they had a girl in our neighborhood, this girl named Doris, Splashy Doris, people used to call her because anytime it would rain and there would be puddles out on the street or whatever, she would go out there, this little see you next Tuesday, you know what I'm talking about, coont, she would go out there and put on these big boots, you know, her dad's boots, her stepdad's boots, or some man's boots that her mom was banging and Splashy Doris would go out there and splash in all the puddles until they like dispersed. It was like she wanted to get rid of the puddles before the rest of the kids could come enjoy

them. You know, it was kind of, uh, it was, she was kind of like the British, you know, she wanted to show up and like, you know, ravage everything and get everything and get all the joy for herself. So Splashy Doris would get out there and just splash these puddles in the smithereens. And then by the time we got out there, we were like, where are all the puddles? And Splashy Doris would be in the distance just soaking wet head to toe, but acting like she ruled the world. acting like she ruled the world. But she made a, they had a bunch of, not a bunch,

but I would say maybe they had about 19 or maybe 30, maybe tall rabbits that came through one year. I don't even remember. I think it was like a cold year. And a lot of tall rabbits came through. And she had a lemonade stand, this girl Doris. So she's out there selling lemonade or whatever. And she had a brother.

He was, you know, this little fucker, he wasn't much, I mean, he was kind of, you kind of didn't even care if he grew up or not, he was like that, and, and, and these rabbits, next thing you know, just attack this fucking lemonade, and I don't know if these rabbits were from, you know, if they had kind of a, something in their system where they wanted that lemon or they wanted that sugar but until you've seen about you know 19 or maybe even 30 rabbits fuck up a couple

of kids I mean you haven't seen that much you haven't seen some of the joys in real life I mean you know one of the greatest joys is watching a big girl eat a snow cone in the rain and, if you haven't, if you haven't held your body to that, then what have you done? Thank you guys for being here with me though, man. It's nice to just kind of sit and reminisce. It's been a long day, man. I ate so much food and junk and I had just a whirlwind of days.

and I had just a whirlwind of days. I started off in New Orleans and then went over to Mandeville, which I got some family and then came here to Baton Rouge, flying back to Los Angeles tomorrow. And I was thinking, we had our first guest last week and I want to thank everybody for supporting that.

Jay Moore came in. And a lot of people, I mean, first of all, it wasn't easy getting Jay Moore in. I was excited that he that. Jay Moore came in. And a lot of people, I mean, it was, first of all, it wasn't easy getting Jay Moore in. I was excited that he came. It wasn't easy. But I was excited that he came and we had a nice time. And I was nervous.

Dude, I was so nervous. And I was nervous sitting there just like, you know, because I never really, I haven't had anybody in the new studio. Usually I record by myself. So to even have somebody there and, but Jay was really cool. He was nice and friendly. And I was glad that, you know, that I made it through that because I had a lot of anxiety about it. And I don't know if my anxiety is that I don't know what to say.

Or I think honestly, a lot of my anxiety is that I'm not going to be smart enough to be in a conversation. I think that's where a lot of my fear comes from when I think about it. You know that, what if I start talking about something and, you know, but I guess a nice person in a conversation, they're not going to act. I guess there's a difference between somebody being smart and acting smart. Like I'm fine if somebody is smarter than me. You know, I would imagine probably 80% of the world is, but if somebody acts real smarter than me, you know, they're straight up hogwarting on me and I'm just trying to survive. Then that, you know, I guess that's some of my fear is that I'm gonna be in a conversation and just trying to, you know, keep my head just, you know, it's like trying to just grasp for air.

So that's some of my fear, I guess. But we had some calls that came into the, that were supposed to be on the Jay Moore episode, but as it flowed, I didn't know if we should go to some calls or talk about the news or anything. So we just kind of made it through it. But I'm gonna hit you guys

with a couple of calls right here. And I wanna thank again, Isaac George, who sent in that song for the intro. That is Seth Saves Spring. And we're just going to kind of meander through a couple of these calls from you guys that have come in over the last two weeks. And then we will, you know, we'll make it through. I mean, this is the start of spring. This is April. You know, April's that time it's like,

you know, this is like the rain, it starts to dry up. So, you know, Splashy Doris is probably getting pissed wherever she is. What if she's like 35 now or something and she's still out there splashing? That's crazy, man. It's crazy to think that things you could do when you're a kid, if you do them now, you probably go to jail. You run up to somebody you were a kid, if you do them now, you'd probably go to jail. You run up to somebody you don't know, put gum in their hair, you could probably go to jail. What else do kids do now? Just throw rocks at an abandoned house as an adult? Well, I guess even if you do that as a kid, you could go to jail.

What else do kids do now? Oh, just throw a tantrum at the mall? You lay down at the mall? Pull your pants down and just scream on the top of your lungs? You probably go to jail or get picked up by a shady man, but probably go to jail. Here's a call that came in right here, man.

I'm going to hit this hotline. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This andrew calling you back um i called last week uh from south dakota uh thanks for calling andrew from south dakota and i think i've been to south dakota i believe that's the black hills are over there and you guys have that mount rushmore. And Mount Rushmore, they should diversify it a little bit. I think they need to throw on some diversity on there. You know, chisel a couple more heads on there. Or at least make it so that some of the founding fathers that are up there,

maybe you put a t-shirt on them. One of them is wearing like a um uh like a manny pacquiao shirt and one of them is wearing you know like a um a carl lewis or an usain bolt shirt and you know at least add some diversity to the environment over there i think that'd be pretty cool but let's hear more andrew thank you for calling i'm telling you about my brother and i's weekend rock climbing and when you were asking about who listens to your podcast, first a little bit about me. I'm a doctor and I'm a nurse practitioner.

Are you an NP? I think that's what it's called. I just guessed. But you're a nurse practitioner. And I think, you know, I don't know if I could be a nurse because I couldn't take blood out of somebody's body and not want to put it back in. I'm the kind of person, if I take it, I feel like I should return it.

And even if they're like, no, I want to get it tested, I want to donate it or whatever, I feel like I would try to sneak back in in the middle of the night or if somebody was in a coma and shoot it back into them. So that's one of the things I think I would struggle with as far as nursing goes. Because a lot of these nurses, they take your blood out and sometimes they'll mail it off to a lab. I'm like, what?

Are you some kind of like, are you some kind of Postmates vampire? You fucking mailing people's blood around and acting like you're normal and going home and feeding your kids Chef Boyardee? Something isn't right. Thanks for calling, Moore. And I work in a family practice clinic in South Dakota, so I have

patients from two years old to 102, and we see patients and manage their medication. This evening when my call was on, I got a call from my mom. She's 48 years old, and she's a nuclear medicine tech. Oh, and apparently that nuclear medicine tech likes to meet some men because if she's only 48 and your mother's calling you and you sound at least, you sound older than 17 or 18. You sound like a damn adult. Then your mom was cracking eggs early. Let's go more. Lo and behold, she listens to your show, Theo. She called freaking out.

I had no idea that she listened to the podcast. She called freaking out saying, was that you calling in? And so that's kind of cool. You got a mom-son duo listening to your podcast every week. Oh, that's a cute thing, man. I appreciate you sharing that with me. And happy spring to your mother because I'm sure she's probably listening as well. You know, I got to see my mom today here at Easter.

And I got to see my mom. And, you know, we had a kind of a sentimental moment, actually, making me think about it, Andrew. So I appreciate you sharing this because now you're making me think and making me feel a little bit. You know, my mom, I was saying bye to her today. And, um, and you know, I was talking last week with, uh, on the Jay Moore episode about how, you know, my mother and I never laugh, you know, and I don't know if we ever have, you know, it just, the things were just stressful when I was young. And so we didn't, we didn't, it's just, there wasn't a lot of humor. There wasn't a lot of free joy around the house.

And the TV shows we watched together, we watched America Most Wanted, and we watched Unsolved Mysteries. So I went to bed in straight-up fear. You know what I'm saying? I'm wrapped up in the dark arts. My whole brain is just clouded up in that shroud of murder and espionage and long-l lost family members and Amelia Earhart I mean I swear to God every episode of Unsolved Mysteries was about Amelia Earhart and

you know that and it was kind of wild you know I was saying bye to my mom today and you know sometimes I wonder because I haven't you know I, I do always, you know, I wasn't the most happiest about my childhood. You know, I didn't, I didn't, you know, my childhood didn't leave me with a lot of positive feelings inside of myself that prepared me or made me feel comfortable as I became an adult. They did not. Whatever happened when I was young, it just left me with a lot of self-doubt, a lot of insecurity, a lot of self-worth issues,

and things that I still battle with. I'm fighting. And as I've gotten older, I've realized that a lot of that was because of my upbringing. And I believe that my mother probably did the best job that she could. And so I just, I started to worry recently, well, you know, do I, you know, am I, am I ever, even without knowing it, am I ever, you know, just, you know, have I shown, have I let my mother know that I'm grateful? Even if my mother never did anything for me,

at the very least, somewhere inside of me, I have to be grateful that, which isn't true. My mother did a lot for me. But that I'm grateful that she made me. And so whenever she was leaving today, she gave me a hug, and I didn't let her go. I just held on to her. And I rode through that moment of uncomfort

where you would usually, it might be a little uncomfortable. And then we were in second hugs. Now, we're on that second hug. I'm starting to get second hug syndrome where you stay in a hug too long. And we need to do this video, and we thought about doing it last year, where you hug a family member who doesn't like you,

and you've got to hold on to them for eight seconds. And you record it, and whoever does the best one, we give them a prize. And we're hopefully going to do that again soon because nobody sent any videos last year. And that's that new professional bull riding. Hugging a family member that doesn't like you for eight seconds. How long can you stay on? But so I hugged my mom and, you know, I stayed through that first uncomfortable moment. And then I'm riding a second hug.

So we're now with me and her drifting into some, you know, some new areas in that second hug. And then I stayed through that second hug moment where, you know, a hug's too long I was like I'm fucking staying in this hug and I stayed through that into that third hug and I could feel her she started hugging me back a little more you know and I knew that you know I just knew for a second that she knew that this was you know just kind of a different moment I was just trying to create a different moment because I'll get you know I'll just get used to doing the same moments. You know, the ones that are comfortable, the ones that are comfortable. The ones that are comfortable, maybe not even in a positive way, but just ones that are comfortable for me that I'm used to.

And so I was like, I'm going to change, you know, I'm going to ride through a couple of hug breaks. And then, you know, she was leaving and I just told her, I said, you know, I just wanted to thank you. I just, you know, sometimes I don't her, I said, I just wanted to thank you. Sometimes I don't know if you know how much I care about you. And sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in dealing with some of my feelings from growing up and some of the problems and shit I feel like, because I know I get emo on this. I know I get emo out here with you guys. But I say sometimes I feel like I deal with some of that so much that I forget, you know, that maybe I don't let you know. That in addition to me, you know, figuring some of this out and thinking about it, that I, you know, I have always really cared about you.

And, you know, because that's true. Even there are times if you don't get along with somebody or you even can't stand them in your life, there's probably a part of you that still cares. Because you wouldn't have as much invested on the other side if you didn't think there was something real positive to gain on the positive side. think there was something real positive to gain on the positive side. I'm probably not going to hate somebody unless I feel like, man, if the tables were turned and we were in a better position, then I could really like them.

But so I appreciate you sharing that moment, Andrew, because, you know, it's nice. I think that's cool when you find out that you and your mother have some connection. There are things you guys like together. I mean, it's wild. I still like Bryan Adams. You know, I still like Bryan Adams. Everything I do, I do it for you. Because, you know, we used to clean the house today. My mother used to make us clean the house today.

And she used to spray us down, spray that soot off of us. You know, we would look, I mean, we looked like we were from another planet. Because when you get in those ditches and you got all that ash, you get all that, you get the black and you get the gray. And so you could do some stuff around your eyes, like, you know, make a gray mustache or, you know, we look like little just, just like licorice critters. When we come out that ditch, mom, we get to the door and be like, oh, and mom just like licorice critters when we come out that ditch. And mom, we'd get to the door and be like, oh.

And mom would be like, what the fuck? And she'd spray us down. And that was a good time. But I appreciate you sharing that moment with you and your mother. Hey, you guys are listeners. And thank you. Thank you, Andrew. And I hope you guys have a beautiful spring over there.

Let's take this call. It came in from Jeremy. Jeremy, here we go. Theo, this is Jeremy from Jersey. I just want to tell you about my past weekend. Thank you for calling Jeremy from Jersey. And I'll be in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey in a couple of weeks, April 20th and 21st at Bananas Comedy Club. All right, let's hear more. On Thursday, I broke my foot playing basketball.

Oh, you broke that foot, huh? So you're down to one hoof. They call you one hoof Jer. Now, you out there storking. Now, you can only play center, and you can only play it on one leg. This ought to be good. Let's hear more. Here's the kicker.

This coming Saturday, I'm getting married. So you're getting married on that one leg. So you got one foot in. You got one foot out the door already. That was ridiculously sad. Onward. My fiance was not happy about it, to say the least. Yeah, well, she's not happy about it because you're coming in clumsy.

You know, this is a time when you need to be shining. This is a time when, if anything, you need to sprout another leg. You know, or sprout a second cock. But you're out there, you know, you only got two wheels and you're blowing one of them out. Playing hoops at whatever, 35. Like, who are you supposed to be to be huh you Kevin McHale you Muggsy Boggs who you supposed to be man you know you ain't you stunting out there at the YMCA dog shut it down you know sometime I see men you know 45 year old men out there skateboarding

going off of ramps and shattering their spines. And I'm like, well, no fucking shit, dude. Skateboarding is for children. What if I was still doing finger paints all day in the afternoon? And you expect me to think, you know, Picasso, you know, because these skateboarder men, they'll be like, oh, I'm a Tony Hawk fan. Well, that's great. Because these skateboarder men, they'll be like, oh, I'm a Tony Hawk fan. Well, that's great. But you're not Tony Hawk. He is.

What you are is a man that's about to probably end up in a wheelchair soon. And then his wife's going to have to work all the time and make that money. And you're going to be at home in that chair eating TV dinners. And that's, you know, and that shit will ruin a marriage. But anyhow, thanks for calling, Jeremy. Let's hear more. It wasn't until about three days in where she started feeling bad for me. But she's been taking care of me.

So she's definitely a good girl. Wow. So it took her three days to feel bad for you. Yeah, I could imagine that. Because a woman, dude, the wedding, that's everything. That's the only, you just have to look good that night. The next day, you could lose your hair. You could mail your dick to another country.

You could do anything after that. But that wedding, you got to show up. If you have tits under your arms, you better give them haircuts. That's the night you got to show up, that wedding night. After that, who cares? A lot of women don't even care if you go missing after that you could you know you could disappear on a cruise a lot of them don't give a fuck you need to show up for that night make it illegal make it legit so they got that alimony paper coming in you don't need to have the big thing. Get the pictures. That's what you got to do. That's your responsibility as a man.

And you out there fucking shooting hook shots. You know, out there at the DFW. Out there at the American Legion. Playing on a men over 35 year old team, the Rattlers. We're the Rattlers. Y'all ain't the fucking Rattlers. Most of y'all work at the bank. So we got to tighten up, Jeremy. Let's hear more. So this past weekend was a bad weekend. Next weekend will be a good weekend.

And then on April 21st, I'm coming to see you at Bananas Comedy with my buddies. Damn, man. Well, I feel bad about making fun of you now. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm excited you're coming out to Bananas. I didn't know that.

I hadn't heard the whole call. And look, hopefully you'll be better by then. That's what I'm saying. You know what? Obviously, your wife is a good lady if she's helping you already after three days. It does sound like you got a good woman. You know, it sounds like, you know, hopefully this is the only time that you break a foot. I mean, things happen.

You know, they had a man somewhere, you know, he was supposed to get married and apparently the day before he was supposed to get married, he married a different woman. So, at least you're not doing that. At least you're just breaking your foot. I mean, you got to look at the bright side, I guess, but I'll see you in New Jersey. I don't know if any of that even made any sense, brother, but I'll see you in New Jersey gang. Oh, and also if you got to wear that boot, at least deck that thing out. You know, I'm out

here. I'm at a crawfish boil today here in Louisiana, and the first time ever in my life I've seen a man with two, you ever seen those people that have, so some of you, if you heard a, you know, you break one of your tarsals, or you bust a foot, you gotta wear that boot.

You know, you got that RoboCop unit, that big, it almost looks like you're going snowboarding, but you're not in the snow or anything, you're in a regular area. And this gentleman, he had two. He had one on each foot. So he just, you know, he was Cupid shuffling everywhere,

and I've never seen that before. But just be thankful you only broke one foot. You could have broke your neck. And now you've got to be, you know, now you and your wife got to, you know, your wife has to, you know, you're going to be probably in a wheelchair most of your life or in like a uniform, you know, a robotic outfit. So at least you just broke your foot. At least you can still stand there and tell your wife you love her. But at least stand up.

Even though you only got one leg, I'd stand up there on one leg. Because I don't know if, I don't even know if a marriage is binding if you're on one foot. You might be able to, you know, loophole your way out of that if you have to. But she sounds like a good woman, and I'll see you in New Jersey. Let's take another call here. Here we go. What's up, Theo? It's Joe from Pittsburgh.

Joe from Pittsburgh. Thank you for calling, Joe. I caught pink eye up there in Pittsburgh one time from a blowjob, actually, and that was a long time ago. Let's hear more. I'm just wondering if you're still doing that meditation masturbation where you're jerking off 50 year old ladies in their apartments on Wednesday mornings. Well, that's not exactly what occurred, Joseph. So if we want to look at facts, let's look at facts. And you're talking about orgasmic meditation

and that is a kind of a seminar group that I got involved with where some people know about this, some people don't, but you can look it up. It's called Orgasmic Meditation.

And it's where you meet up with people and you pleasure them with your hands. You pleasure a lady, you know, and they spray out kind of or whatever and then you leave and it's like supposed to like boost everybody's spirits and that's sort of the abridged version of it and i'll tell you more about it another time but i'm you know i'm in my brother's

living room right now and they got children around in the distance you know some of them are asleep but you know you never know if the, when you talk about the dark arts, if the words will just kind of creep out of your, out of your mouth into their, you know, into their resting brains. And I don't want to be a part of that, but thank you for asking Jeremy and I, uh, Joe, and I will do that. Uh, I'll talk about that, uh, at a, at a future spot. Here we go. Let's go to another call, man. I'm sorry. I'm just jumping into the calls here. You know, I know, uh, it's just, you know, I'm in, I'm, I'm literally here, um, at the dining table in my brother's place. And I don't want to, you know, you just don't know if my voice is battering around the house and keeping people up. Here we go. Hey Theo, my name's Lee. I'm from Kingston, Ontario, Canada.

Lee from Kingston! Thank you for calling me, man. It's Lee from Kingston. Here we go. I got a little bit of a snafu here. I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. She doesn't participate in any cocaine use. Oh, so she ain't on that dust. And Lee apparently, and that's another way people will sometimes say that they on that dust, is by saying somebody else isn't. Like you show up with your buddy Carl and you're like, hey, this is Carl. He doesn't use cocaine. That's basically throwing Carl under the bus.

And that's just a nice way of saying you do cocaine. But thank you for calling, Lee. I'm glad to know that your lady doesn't do it. Onward. Or any drugs for that matter. I got a day booked this Friday to go to like a Nordic spa for a couple days with her. Nordic spa? Now, that sounds like a trap to me.

I don't know if you've ever seen Game of Thrones, but a Nordic spa sounds like a trap. You get in the water, you're feeling good. They say they've got all kinds of special things in the water. Ivory, mint, juniper, honey, cinnamon, all types of stuff that's supposed to get into your body and make you feel good. And then, Cadell, a motherfucker shows up in deer furs and fucks you up. A Nordic spa? Let's hear more.

It's going to be a little vacation. I was thinking about bringing some cocaine along and dipping into that, but I don't want it to ruin the time here. I'm wondering if you ever dip into that while you're with a female that she doesn't participate. So I definitely don't want to ruin the weekend. And I'm just wondering if you have any tips for me or what you think I should, how you think I should attack this. Oh, man, I love this call. I love this call. Thank you. Well, look, I'll tell you this.

You know, you do a couple of speed bumps and you start, you know, you start just chewing on that little antelope mouth. you start just chewing on that little antelope mouth, man, whether, if you want a little bit of cocaine, boy, I'll, dude, I'll eat the, you know, I'll eat the fucking ball bag off a cab driver, you know what I'm saying, you know, I'll eat the fuck, I'll eat the damn tits off a nun on some cocaine, boy, I don't, you know, you could damn, you could, you could wash somebody's ass with your teeth. I'm not trying to be too loud in here because they got family in the distance. But boy, are you kidding me? But don't take a bunch. Don't get a bunch out there.

Because you start doing a bunch and you're sitting in the hot spa. And you start getting dehydrated and your heart's beating fast. That's awkward. You're going to be like a senior citizen then but you got to maybe do a bump here and then chew on that freaking little sugar spout do what you got to do

because that thing that cocaine will turn your tongue into Magellan. If you know what I'm saying. That thing will make you, that thing will get out there and look for new lands. So you might be able to treat your lady right if you got a little bit of that dust in you. But, but, you know, just be careful. You don't want to pressure her into doing it. You got to be careful if she don't taste it on your mouth

Or your face either And your face can't be getting all numbed up And you guys go to dinner And you order a bunch of soup Or you order some crab And you try to You know You start

You know Just face fucking a crustacean Like I've done some crazy shit On some cocaine at dinner You know I tried to eat a roll one time a bread roll and I was so coked out man I couldn't even I guess somewhere in my head I felt like man I have to finish this roll like everybody at the table's gonna think it's weird if I don't finish

this bread roll and that wasn't true I thought that in my own head so I'm just trying to shove this and it got to the point where it's just me against this role. It was like a super, it was like a competition. It was just me against this. Well, nobody at the table even gave a fuck in the beginning. But by the end, they're like, Jesus, this dude will not let this bread go. And I was trying to get that bread into me. So that kind of stuff can happen. You just got to monitor what's going on. So I think, you know, have a little hit here, have a little hit there. But don't get grammed out.

Don't get grammed out and start, you know, abusing your lady or, you know, trying to start a threesome with somebody. You know, the cleaning lady or that kind of shit. That's the thing. Cocaine, you'll have one plan. You know, you'll have one plan. But the next thing you know you do too much you got 90 plans and you're naked and you're in a room by yourself somewhere you in the broom closet and you got four of your fingers in your ass so just control yourself control yourself

because some people they can manage their drug use they can manage their alcohol I cannot I cannot manage my drug use at this time in my life. But thank you for calling there, Lee. I appreciate that. Also, I want to remind you guys that this and every episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza. Think about, think about, think of if you were just strapped on a desert island. And a plane flew overhead.

And something fell out of that plane and it landed right in your mouth. That is gray block pizza. That's the magic of it. And that's at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles. And you could be blind or you could be deaf or you could have super senses and super powers. Gray block. Get that hitter, son. All right. Let's take this call right here. I'm going to let you guys know, too. I've got a couple of dates. I'll be in Tampa this weekend.

So come out to Tampa. The Dark Arts Tour. We're going to put those dates up soon. Got a lot of neat cities that you don't know about yet that are going to be on theovan.com slash tour. T-O-U-R. Here we go. Let's take this call here hi theo um my name is rebecca i'm calling from virginia uh hey rebecca and thank you for calling

uh happy easter to you uh however i went to middle school in in Belle Chase, Louisiana, if you are familiar with the area. Oh, yeah. Belle Chase, boy. A friend of mine got, I don't know if he got rabies, but he got bit by something pretty heartily over there in Belle Chase one time. And that's the kind of area where anything could happen. You know, a lot of stray animals and stray humans over there. You know, a lot of adults sucking their thumb over there in Belle Chase. A lot of people doing flooring. You know, people do flooring. They floor this, they floor. That's the thing. You get into certain parts outside of New Orleans, everybody does flooring. You want flooring? People are like, I got a floor. They're like, you want a floor on,

you want double floors? Like what, what is that? You want floors on the ceiling? That's what I'm saying. You could do, then you could, you could walk on your hands and feel like you, you know, you still got a chance with your feet. You could do flooring anywhere, flooring over the windows. Once you get outside of New Orleans,

everything is flooring. And that's the flooring belt. But let's hear more. Thank you for calling. Hearing you talking about having children in a previous podcast reminded me of a dilemma I'm facing. I am going to be marrying an absolutely amazing person in May. And, oh my gosh, I think about, of course, having a family with this person at some point.

Oh, wow. That's a nervous feeling. For me, it is, but let's hear more. But I kind of struggle with the idea of having our own children when the option of adoption is available. You know, I think that there is a lot of ego that goes into having children. And I wonder if adoption is really the ultimate, you know, action of love, sign of love. So I just want to know what your thoughts on that are. Thanks for calling, Rebecca. Yeah, that's, you know, I'm excited to hear that you found somebody that, you know, means a lot to you. And I wish you the best of luck there.

Yeah, that's a great question. I mean, there's a lot of parents I see that, you know, they, I mean, I see parents that have children that are just almost like, you know, they just get them all decked out with nice cars and nice clothes. It's almost like the kid is like an extension of them, but almost more like an advertisement for the parents. I see parents that seem super involved with their children. They just want to be a... I guess you can't help but to want to be like a... Obviously, you need to be a provider, but they just want to be there for them. They want to help them.

They just want to give them the best opportunity to have a comfortable life. Maybe to learn from some of the things that they didn't have as a child. Then they'll be able to hopefully find some ways to offer those to their kids. When it comes to adoption, I don't know. You know, I've never had anybody in my family that's been adopted. One of my buddies has, and, you know, he talks about it a little bit sometimes. You know, I can't imagine what that's like. You know, I have a friend who does foster care, and he fosters a lot of children.

And it's always, you know, that brings, you know, that'll bring a tear to my eye sometimes thinking about that. You know, when I see pictures of him and, you know, him bringing, him and his wife bringing these people into their lives and bringing these children in, it really makes me feel something. But I think, you know, you just ask your heart about that kind of stuff. You know, I don't know if it's egotistical to have a child of your own. If you think you can be a good parent, if you care about raising children, it's probably okay.

You could try to do one of each. You could try foster care first to see if it's something that you're good at. So I think it's nice that you're thinking about it. I think it's nice we're talking about it. Maybe there's other people thinking about it. You know, some of my, I used to read that book Cider House Rules all the time. And those kids out there, you know, they, you know, they trying to, you know, if you go into a foster place or a adoption center, you know, all the kids, they put on like a

nice shirt or if they don't have a nice shirt some kids will put on like a vest or a cape you know i remember a friend of mine one time saying he went to adoption place and one kid he he didn't even have a nice suit but he had like a vampire outfit and this motherfucker's dressed up like a vampire thinking he's gonna get adopted i'm like damn you know i don't know if people gonna want a little vamp at the house so i don don't know what kind of, you know, haberdashing guidance they have in some of these joints. So they might be able to use some help when it comes to even, you know, clothes and stuff like that, some of these kids. But I think it's a great idea. You know, I think anything that we can do to help is a good idea.

Maybe one day I would like to have it, you know, have, you know, try and help. If I can handle it. That's another thing, you know, it's like, can you handle it? Do you know if you can handle it? And I'm sure after you have, you know, if you have one child of your own, if you do foster, you know, help out some foster kids and maybe you'll get an idea of it. Because I have also had friends who have adopted kids,

like from other countries, and some of that shit has gone astray. One of my friends adopted a child from Russia. This little girl, the girl burned her house down. And they don't tell you that when you're reading the pamphlet on the child if they do arson. So it's hit or miss. It's hit or miss out there. But what else, man? I think I'm going to wheel it in for tonight, guys.

And I don't mean that. I appreciate all you guys supporting for listening and being supportive. But I'm just in a tough locale here. I've got the family. I've got people in the kitchen right now doing dessert and stuff. And I'm out here talking about Russian children burning shit down and people jerking off and stuff. So I just don't know what's appropriate. Somebody's heating up, I think, some Totino's right now, a thing of pizza rolls.

But, you know, I might have to get me a couple of them things. But I appreciate the support. I'm excited to get some new guests in coming up. I'm excited to get home and get back into the studio and keep things moving over there. I want to thank you guys just for tuning in this week and for being a part of things. I want to wish everybody a happy Easter. And we'll get back into the regular flow of things this Thursday. And also, those episodes, we're going to be going live too on Thursday, I believe, with Live Rays.

And that's a new app you can check out. And I'll put the link to them in the episodes. You can just kind of see what they're about and the information. But thank you guys for all your support. Hope your Easter was great. Hope you got to spend some time with somebody you loved or even somebody you hated. And if they were somebody you hated, I hope you held on them for eight seconds. And I hope you caught a video of it, man, because I would love to see that you guys be good to yourselves I bet you deserve it That's it. Thank you. Happy April, guys.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. It's you. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

and a McFlurry. Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.