This Past Weekend - Feel Armstrong | This Past Weekend #232

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_     Theo reflects on the Bill Burr episode, and takes voicemails on not enough sex and too fast sex.   New Tour Dates DATE CITY, STATE VENUE TICKET LINK 10/4 Bethlehem, PA The Wind Creek Event Center https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0200569D8071196C 10/8 Cleveland, OH Masonic Cleveland https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0500569ADA078624 10/9 Indianapolis, IN Egyptian Room at Old National Centre https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0500569AC206682B 10/10 Grand Rapids, MI 20 Monroe Live https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0800569AC52B46B8 10/11 Detroit, MI The Fillmore https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0800569AC9D54AA1 10/12 Milwaukee, WI The Pabst Theater https://pabsttheater.org/event/theovon2019/ 10/13 Madison, WI Barrymore Theatre https://barrymorelive.com/event/theo-von/ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   New Merch https://theovonstore.com    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by    MyBookie Visit https://mybookie.ag and use promo code Theo to double your first deposit bonus   Butcher Box   MeUndies   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Hit the Hotline [phone]   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Music   “Shine” - Bishop Gunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad   Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Brandon Woolsey Christian Coyne Christina Peters Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Mariah Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Rohail Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sarah Anderson Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master Wendy C. Volkmar William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up you little dirty griswolds, huh? You little onomatopoeias, you smoky little almonds. Damn, boy, that smoked almond, isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy that that happened to an almond? He was living his life and maybe he hadn't, you know, done right by his wife or he hadn't really taken care of his family a hundred percent. But to smoke him, you know, to take him out back behind in an alley and put a damn gun to his little, to his little, pointy little head, just makes you wonder what's going

on, man, you know, but I'm here. I'm here. You're here. We got this. You little crispy wiggas. Who's ready, huh? I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home and my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.

Now I'm just fiddling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be calm and stoned, just where you turn that slow dance into a fast dance, you know, shake a little bastard by the waist right there, you know, PG, baby, shine that light on me right there. I'm going to patch up gun with shine and they got that, they got that ear hitter right there. They feel you and we feel you here every week, every week. Welcome to this past weekend.

I hope you are doing well. You know, I hope you, if you're doing something, I hope you got a shirt on or don't have a shirt on. You know, I remember when I was young, bro, I used to love taking my fucking shirt off, boy. I used to take my shirt off all the time, bro. And sometimes at inopportune times are wrong. They call them wrong times.

You know, I'd be at school and the lady give me a little second serving it in mashed potatoes and I'll take my damn shirt off, bro. It was almost like a way that I showed my gratitude to things. You know, I remember they had a guy used to drive down the street over there on McGee Street in our neighborhood and he was a rich man. This man was really rich. And he had like a nice car, like a, I don't know what it was, maybe like a Buick satellite or something.

I mean, the thing had, damn, it looked fancy, bro. He had a couple of probably stars and a damn half a galaxy in the trunk of it. He just was wealthy, well off. They called it well to do, they said. And he would drive down the street and he was a veterinarian and he would throw a, he threw a lot of animal carcasses and stuff out of the vehicle. Cause he knew, you know, he likes, they would be in our ditch and stuff. And I think he just, something inside of him, I think he felt like he was giving back to

the, you know, to the lower class or he was doing something or maybe he just, you know, like throwing, you know, you know, animal carcasses out of the damn, out of a nice vehicle. I don't know. But, uh, what was I telling you about damn, dude? But yeah, sometimes when I, well, I'd be out there and I'd see half of a, you know, half of a rooster hit the ditch, you know, or I'd see, you know, maybe four fifths of a, um, of a lamb or something hit the ditch, you know, a lamb body and I would take my damn

shirt off, bro, show some respect. You know, there was just something about when you didn't have anything really to show people. Sometimes you just show them your bare skin. You just show them your young chest and your belly button. You do something you think, well, damn, I was some level of gratitude or in class sometime the teacher would teach us something real good. You know, I remember one time they said lightning. They said lightning, uh, was made up of the same stuff that a rainbow was.

And, um, and I, it was hard for me to understand. And then, and then the teacher said that light, that lightning was just an angry rainbow. And I fuck, dude, I stood up on my desk and took my damn shirt off, bro. You know, and I damn saluted that shit, that fact that that teacher was filling me with the facts because I need them sometimes and there was a way where just kind of disrobing yourself or showing your chest, your young chest to a, as a thank you when you didn't have anything else to give somebody a card or, uh, you know, a little couple of monies or something, you know, nothing like that.

But it's coming up at the end of September. I'm going to Maui tomorrow. I'm going to Maui. So if you think about me, you better think about me and Maui, um, guess who's going to Maui? Wow me. You see what I did there, uh, Maui and Maui is a place off of the coast of America and Hawaii and it's really, dude, you see people out there, they got, they'll do all, it's

very Polynesian and Polynesian. Some people think that means if somebody's Polynesian, it means they, you know, their arms are on the wrong sockets or whatever, you know, but it's nothing like that. It means kind of like, uh, say if, you know, like a flight, like a flight of like kind of Asian people, like a, say if a Chinese flight crashed into a, um, like a, like a pineapple stand and everybody lived and started a community, that's Polynesian right there. And so I'ma go over there and I'm going to spend some time, just get to the beach, relax, you know, let my skin just, you know, my skin has been so tight on my muscles that I just

wanted to just kind of let go a little bit. Sometimes it almost feels like my, my muscles in my skin are just doing sex all day because they're just so gridded up, but I'm happy to relax there at the beach and get a little sunshine going to a yoga, a retreat place. So we'll see dude. You know me, bro. I'm like fucking bail out of that bastard in 30 minutes, but I'm hoping for the best. I'm hoping to go over there and have a good time.

Um, I gotta tell you, I got a couple of dates coming up, uh, Bethlehem PA on 10, four, um, and 10, eight and Cleveland and, uh, October 9th, Indianapolis, October 10th, Grand Rapids, the 11th, Detroit, the 12th, Milwaukee, and the 13th, Madison, Wisconsin, uh, the Maryland, the oxen hill dates have been are going to be rescheduled. I'm not sure when yet and, um, Sayersville, New Jersey will be rescheduled. I'm not sure when yet. So that's what's going on. Um, they met those, the reschedules, the other reschedules may not be till next year, but

that's what's up, uh, man, I remember going to the beach when I was young. My mother would, uh, and my mother liked to wear a bikini. Sometimes she would open the windows and sit over there by the window and have a little beer and do a bikini. And, you know, when I was kind of a mama's boy and I didn't have a, you know, I couldn't wear a bikini or anything like that because I was a male, you know, as a, you know, a male that was, you know, more interested in, you know, in chicks and stuff. And so, but I remember one time I made me a little yarn.

I took a yarn and two bottle caps and made me a little bikini, you know, and kind of had, you know, had my sister tied in the back and just wore that little bastard, you know, because I just, you know, my mother was around and I think I just wanted to be like her. You know, I wanted to be like my dad, but he wasn't around. And also he was, you know, 70, 80 years old. So if I was being like my dad, I was just taking naps or looking for something that I was never going to find, or what else was I doing if I was being like him? I used to go sleep at the park sometime.

My dad liked to do that, sleep at the Burger King, you know, just enjoying life really. Having a little son on my dad would make me sneak in there and get him a little tablespoon of mayonnaise and he would eat it off, just dip his finger in it and eat it and watch an episode of a threes company or one of those detective program. He liked a lot of that. He was old fashioned like that, but my mother used to take us to the beach. We would go the first beach I went to Biloxi Beach and this place, the beach is really, the water was always illegal.

You couldn't get in the water. They had signs up and said, you know, the test came in and this water is, you know, pregnant or whatever. I mean, that water was used out there for an hour. Some of the fish would come out on two or three legs and go get a job. It was that kind of, they called it illegal water, I guess or something. It was just, you know, they'd have, the water would look, it had looked like oil. It looked like an oil spill and they put some sand around it.

That's how the water was. And it also had this foam, this kind of like the, like the water had been brushing its teeth and it just had a bunch of kind of like toothpaste on the side of it. But we'd get out there and make little shapes and stuff and we, you could still do a draw in the sand and you get sunburnt bad too, but, and they had fish and some of the fish, like they had been through some tough shit. Like some of the fish looked like they were in like MS 13 or, you know, you'd see a little fish swim by with like a bandana on, you know, and he's like, oh, Piscato, honce, you

feel me, Piscato, I'm like, whoa, bro, relax, they see, oh man, cause it was just, you know, they had so much chemicals there and Biloxi. So we, you know, when you went there to the beach, you couldn't, you could get in the water, but you couldn't stay that long because it would feel like your skin would burn or if like something was kind of trying to sneak into your body through your elbows or through your belly button. And mom used to even make us put something over our belly button or put a piece of gum. If we had a big gum, we'd put that in our belly button so that the, you know, if the

water was real bad or illegal or something, it didn't really taint you up or, you know, get into your body, but, but that's not going to be the case in Maui. It's going to be a little bit different over there and, and so I'm excited about that. What else is going on? Oh, oh, Chris Delia, you saw this. He did a thing on Instagram where he was talking a smack, okay? And I got something for you, Chris Delia. I got, there you go, daddy.

I got that little clap back for daddy. Okay. I got that little clap back for daddy. And so I want to talk about that. I want to talk about, we got a lot of some good questions that came in people talking about the Bill Burr episode. We had that gentleman inside, you know, the ginger to remember. He filled me and he was in here like the other day and, um, and what else?

We got a lot of good, uh, a lot of good calls that came in, we're going to get to a few of those. Yeah. So I want to get into, I want to talk to, uh, I want to respond to that Chris Delia, you know, him and he's really my God, dude, if you've ever, I mean, if you've ever had something just, if you ever had your shadow, some of them, you'll see if you're standing outside and you look next to yourself, there's something real dark right there. And that's not a, you know, this isn't a racial thing or anything.

It's your shadow. And if you ever seen your shadow, sometimes if you look over real fast, you'll see it, you know, doing something, they're doing something naughty. You know, maybe looking at a, um, nudie magazine or, you know, doing one of them, um, clove cigarette, you know, we're doing something real nasty or something or touching his little dark little wiener. And that's Chris Delia right there. You know, he lives on the north side of a tree.

You know what I'm saying? He's that, he's that, uh, he's that, he's the dark art and he's a dark art man. And he came at me, brother. He came at me and, uh, and I want to talk about that right here. I want to play, uh, here's a clip of, uh, of what he said right here. Oh, I also want to talk about this one more thing before we go. So Theo, my buddy, my arch nemesis on this podcast thing made fun of me for canceling a show because of, because you did, because I couldn't get there, literally couldn't get

there. And you know what? Actually, let me say this, man, I will never cancel a show. Cool. Here's one thing. That's a great sound bite. That's a great sound bite. Let's see what he's doing here.

I have some news for you. Theo didn't cancel a show. Theo canceled his whole European tour. Oh, a week before it happened because he got a movie. So not only did he do what he said he would never do, he's doing the same thing I'm doing. I would never do that. What he's doing. Who's the stepdad now?

And who's the real daddy? Dude, he was, oh, is he okay? Okay. That's enough. Now, first of all, Chris Delia wears deodorant on his whole arm. Okay. So people should know that, that he starts at the wrist with the stick and brings it all the way up to the pit.

So that right there. That's something. You know, I want to say this. Has Chris Delia ever eaten a egg sandwich? That he cooked the egg on the top of a hot Ford? Has he? Uh, no. Have I?

Yes. Has Chris Delia ever battled rare diseases and beat them or tied them even? Uh, no. But have I done it? Yes. Has Chris Delia ever fought a guy in a sharp dragon suit outside of a JC Penney's when he was younger and beat the guy, you know, two, you know, two, two, two to one rounds? Uh, no.

But have I done it? Oh, yes. Is Chris Delia a gated community gangster? Uh, yes, he is. Okay. He lived next door to an adult video store that also sold shrimp, okay, and still managed his emotions well, even though sometimes he was, you know, you know, pleasure in himself, but also, you know, there's horseradish in the area.

You feel me? Okay. Uh, no. Have I? Yes. Uh, would I ever cancel a show because of weather? No. Would Chris Delia, uh, yes, I don't cancel a show because of weather.

Okay. You will not find me postponing a show because of the air elements. Okay. Storm. Rain. Fire. Second coming. Third coming.

Okay. Jesus gets lost. You feel me? Sunlight. No light. Drizzle. Missiles. Drizzle.

Ice missiles. I will be there, bring it on mother nature and will Chris Delia be there? No. Will I be there? Yes. So I'm the real daddy. All right. If you put my Johnson on a record player and played it backwards, you can hear it go

daddy, daddy, daddy, because I got that Bose surround pound. You feel me? Once I hear someone coming up the steps, it's the step daddy, Chris Delia. And the real daddy is the one that brings home the metal bacon, baby. You feel me? That is home. Just so everybody knows what's going on around here. All right.

Let's get into some Q and A. Let's start right here. From Patreon, David Laval sent this in. Great conversation with Bill Burr. And it was cool to see him giving you some feedback and advice from a guy who's been on top of the game for a long time. Was there anything in particular he said that resonated with you or made you think differently about comedy and your career? Thank you, David.

Laval. Laval. Um, you know, it was, it was, it was tough to, it was tough. It was tough. I was really, really glad that Bill came in. He and I had never had a long conversation in person before ever. We had a couple of conversations on the phone. And so I think it was kind of a new, you know, I don't know if we knew each other's vibes

that well. I mean, or I don't think he knew mine very well. And that makes sense. You know, I mean, I'm a oyster, you know, I'm a barnacle and he's a cruise ship, you know. And it was tough and it was, it was tough, like, I couldn't, it was just a tough conversation, man. It just wasn't, it wasn't bad.

You know what it was in hindsight, it was exactly what I should have expected. You know, he's Bill Burr. He's a reason, there's a reason that, that I think he's the best because he's just, you know, he is just, he's a train, man. He's just a train and he has his thoughts and he has his, his ideas and his, and he's poignant about them. And I don't know if I had expectations in my head that it was going to be more of like a jovial chatter or I just think our, you know, I just think our ideas of, of, of conversation

or the way we, we conversate are just different a little bit and, and he is exactly what I, you know, he's really, he was, he was Bill Burr to a tee. He's brash, he's, he's, he's poignant, he's exactly, he's exact. You know, he's, he's really, he really is like a, like a NASA, you know, like a rocket. You know, and I'm more like, sometimes like feel Armstrong, you know, you find me just kind of moseying around on the moon, you know, monitoring how I feel. And he's more, he's that master blaster, he'll shoot right by you. And so yeah, there were some things he said that really did kind of resonate with me.

I think when he said that you have to work well with others, you know, he kind of said you got to get over not working with others. And I think some of that is true. It's like, I got to look at myself and it's like, well, if I'm going to be working certain circles, then I have to be sure that I'm comfortable with it, but I got to, I kind of have to make a decision. So I'm not waffling all the time because half my choices, you could put syrup on them, bitch, they waffles.

You know, I'm here, I'm there, I got butter, I got, you know, my dream. So who knows. So that was pretty good. What else did I take away from it? I definitely, I came away feeling like, like it was probably good, like if I had some ego that maybe this was letting some air out of it. You know, I felt sometimes like I couldn't, like I didn't know what to say. And I don't know if that's the best place to be sometimes you're supposed to be interviewing

somebody or having a conversation with them. But I'm not like, you know, I wasn't disappointed in myself or anything like that. I just, I think we're two different types of people. You know, when we talked about material and stuff and I said, well, I treasure my material more. And for me, that's because I do stories, I tell stories, you know. And so for me, those things are personal and they're more, you know, there's more of a personal value to them in that sense.

But I think overall, I think no matter what, you know, I was grateful to be able to have him come in. He's, you know, he is who we thought he was and we let him off the hook. That's what I feel like. He's exactly, you know, he was Bill Burr to a T, to a T. And, but he was exactly who the thing that I love about him on stage is exactly what I loved about exactly what he was in person. And so, you know, I think, I think some of this stuff about manning up and sacking up

and I think that's right. I think I needed to hear that. It doesn't mean that I can't still be myself or that, but it's nice to sometimes just, you know, sometimes you want to hear, people need to hear you. Sometimes only certain ways you can hear something. You know, sometimes somebody will beat you with a damn bat, but if you don't care who's beating you, you won't, you won't even pay attention. You'll just have bat marks all over your back and legs and side and, you know, and elsewhere.

But, but every now and then somebody who, you know, who holds some weight in your life will hit you with that bat with a bat full of facts, bro, that fact bat and get your shit together. You need a man up. So I think it was sometimes tough to like kind of joke around or what, or what our vibes were. I think we're just kind of off. You know, again, I'm more like that feel Armstrong and he's more like a little bit more like

rocket man. But I'm grateful that I'm grateful that he came in and and that's really, I guess, let me think. Is there anything else? Anything in particular he resonated with you or made you think differently about comedy in your career? You know, I think it made me think that if I'm going to get involved with Hollywood and that sort of stuff that I need to kind of come to some peace with it.

You know, I think somewhere inside of me, sometimes I have a lot of just trust issues overall in every space of my life and commitment issues and every, in every aspect. You know, I don't want to be exploited. I don't want someone to take advantage of me. So it's a lot of fear shit. So you know, I don't think there are any, any accidents. I think everything happens for a reason and and so yeah, it's like, what can I take away from that experience?

So I think that's most of my thoughts on it. You know, sometimes I wish I'd have kind of spoken up a little bit more, but I think I just didn't really know kind of what to expect or whatever. And so once things kind of got just going in this just direction, I was like, I felt like I was on a, you ever, when you're learning to ride a bike and you start the first time it starts going and you're like, you're like, I can't get it. I can't get it. And then it's going, you're like, and then you just crash right into the side of a Colgate

toothpaste blue Chevelle, you know, and this bitch gets out and starts talking shit doing it's not even hers. She's just sitting in it smoking. So it was kind of like that, you know, I just things got going downhill or going, you know, down bill and I couldn't, you know, I just was on for the ride at a certain point. And so yeah, I think it was in some ways it was learning experience and I don't even know what I learned from it sometimes, but I'm sure that certain things will pop up. And I was just, you know, I'm glad that I got to sit down with somebody that I really,

really, I mean, he's just so fearless. You know, he's just so fearless. And I wish I would have asked him more about like parenting a little bit, you know, about things, you know, what things that he loves about his wife, I don't know, I was kind of thinking about stuff like that. I could have asked him, you know, you know, more about like his material and what does it mean when he gives it away and that sort of thing, but we're also at different points in our career.

So him, you know, you know, the world that he's living in is different than the one that I'm living in. But, but yeah, you know, I think I just take from it what I can and, and you know, and in the end is be glad that he came and sat down with me. You know, I could let it kind of hurt my ego a little and I don't think it did that. But I think if there was some ego in me that needed to be corrected, then you know, humility is always, even though it's painful, sometimes it's a, it's a rabbit that I'll let, you know, run around in my shirt.

So I'll get that little fricking bunny that'll bust my, bust my ego up and put it in my shirt sometimes and let that bitch hop around, bro and just show my chest to it, you know, how I'm doing it. Well, my bookie at the end of a hard week, it's great to sit down and take some time off and watch some football and lay some of your hard earned wages on those, on those, you know, those animals on the field. And, and it is nice when football is back, even if you like $3, $6, $9 on your, you know, on whoever on Yale to beat your mother-in-law, you know, or beach, you know, or beat somebody

you don't like. But, but I got to tell you guys that if you bet, you got to bet with my bookie. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them unless they were the best. If you like to bet, you know, if you don't like to bet, then you don't like to bet. But if you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try a parlay. That's where you take two shots at it. You do two shots and if you get them both and you, you, you kill that big, that lamb, that falcon.

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Go to mybookie.ag today and, uh, and you play and you win and you get paid. Also look, I came home the other day and they got that box of meat out front and dude, it's so funny because I was hungry. I didn't have any meat on me. I didn't have a knife. I wasn't near a zoo. So I probably wasn't going to have a lot of good meat, but bam, bam, bam, what is it? It's meat.

Not everyone has convenience to access high quality meat. You know, usually you have to be on the, you know, on the, on the Sahara or you got to be at, you know, a near a petting zoo or something at night, but now you can get a hundred percent grass-fed beef. You can get free range organic chicken. I mean, these chickens have been all over, you know, I'll probably see something Maui this weekend. You can get heritage breed pork.

God dang, can you imagine that? Having you a couple of little, uh, uh, little sausages and tasting its history or wild caught salmon. They catch it with the damn hand out there. You see one boy with a big hand out there catching them and they bring it right to you in the box. That's butcher box. Butcher box believes that everyone deserves high quality, humanely sourced meat.

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Wow. Butcher box. All right. Let's take a call right here. The hotline is always 985-664-9503. Hey, Theo. It's Zach Johnson from Evangel University in Springfield, Missouri. And I just wanted to ask you what's your biggest fear?

Hey, Theo. My biggest fear? Thank you, Zach, for calling in from Evangel over there. My biggest fear? That's commitment, man. I think, or if you're talking land animal, then I'm saying probably coyote, I think. Tiger. But less likely to see a tiger because I'm in the, you know, I live in the United States

in North America. So I'd say coyote. Coyote or mountain cat. Man, a mountain cat scares me, dude. I think about going for a jog sometimes and I think about a mountain cat. And I just, I just stay at home sometimes and just relax or something or have some, you know, get some, make a popcorn or do something relaxing. But otherwise commitment, you know, I find I struggle with commitment in almost every,

every space in my life. And it's something, you know, that I need to spend some time on and I'm not being hard on myself. I just want to be, I want to be the best of myself and so I want to figure out why I have such a tough time with it. You know, and it's also some of it is a me generation, you know, we live in a time where everybody can, you can kind of have everything, you can have everything you can, you can do, you know, you can, you can be alone and, you know, everything is individualized more.

And so I think that that doesn't help us realize in how much we really need each other. But for me, it's commitment across work, across relationships and even being staying committed to myself, you know, saying I'm going to do something and following through with it. And that's where you build integrity really is by staying, you know, saying to yourself, okay, this is how I'm going to behave and then behave in that way. And I don't really do the best job of that. You know, I try though, but, but I think that I can try more effectively. And I think I can try by maybe getting some help to try not alone.

That makes sense. Let's take another call that came in right here. Here we go. ATO, this is Jason from Central Florida. What's up, Jason? Thank you for hitting it up, baby, Central Florida. And that's over there. A lot of reptilian over there.

I mean, you fucking do you take a walk through the swamp and come in, come up, just you walk right out of the water. Come, you'll have some down snake skin leggings on, you know, you'll find a leech up in your grandmother's brazier over there and no things will suck on your tit right there. Beautiful. Big animals over there. A lot of big mollusk, a lot of sunburned titties over there as well. Excuse me.

I shouldn't say that, man. I don't want to be thinking about that right now. Let's do it. I just bought tickets for me and my future father-in-law for your show on Bethlehem P.A. And I'm pumped, man. Can't wait to come up there and see you. Just got the plane tickets confirmed. I don't know what my father-in-law's going to think, but fuck it.

He's going. He's from Bethlehem. So I thought this would be an awesome opportunity for me and him to, you know, make a connection. Come up there and see you. Gang, man. Thank you. My father-in-law and coming in Bethlehem, that's like Joseph and Jesus right there. It really is that, you know, that, um, that connection and Joseph was a stepdaddy.

People don't realize, you know, they should really mark that out in the Bible. They should even mark it out in just stepdaddy's day on the calendar because everybody has so many stepdaddies now. It's, it's a shame there's not an opportunity, you know, a comfortable opportunity to buy him a cookie or a sweet, you know, buy him a, you know, a little bait, you know, a sugary delectable or something like that and do something nice for them because they're good to you. Sometimes they brought your mother some cheap jewelry or something or got her a boat.

But thank you guys for coming. Look, taking a love one, if you don't have a connection with your, you know, somebody you love at their parent, a good way to make a connection is to take them to a comedy show because they'll see what you think is humorous and they can really bridge a lot of the gap right there. Let's take a call again, the hotline [phone]. And also I got to say that, uh, that if you smell something and you, if you got your, if you put your nose down, down near my body, you know, and you smell something and it's

pumpkin spice, well, it could be these new meundies because it's that time of year. You know, the leaves are crunchy, the breeze is crisp and it's onesie season. It's officially fall. Yep. If you put your ear up outside to the window, you could hear a scarecrow in the distance, you know, smoking a pipe or looking to buy a gram off somebody. And meundies, the softest undies in the world knows a thing or two about the fall. Because when it's fall time, the weather gets, you know, a little noughtier and the weather

really, it'll just kind of sneak up on your balls and snicker at them with a cold little giggle. And the thing you can do there is, if you, if you, the thing you can do then is you can get a onesie from meundies. Imagine rolling out in front of your girl with that sexy ass onesie. You know what I'm saying? In one zipper, you could show your chest and get your junk out and urinate as well if you want.

And I mean, they're soft. They're softer than the foam on the top of that pumpkin spice latte you feel me. They're softer than your favorite hoodie, meundies. They're designed to be the softest thing you ever put on your body. They're available in sizes extra small in case you got a little bitty friend that likes to get naked or un-naked to, uh, to 4XL and we have a great offer for our listeners support the podcast guys for any first time purchasers, you get 15% off and free shipping. Yep, 15% off and free shipping meundies.com slash weekend.

That's meundies.com slash weekend. And uh, and I've got them on right now in my, I mean, it feels like just like a, like a soft little, you know, that, that downy snuggle bear. It feels like he's just playing with my nuts and ass right now. That's how soft these things are on your body. It feels like that little downy snuggle bear is just kind of rubbing his neck up against the back of my nuts right now. And if you don't think that's soft, then my goodness, you don't know what things are.

So go support the podcast if you can meundies.com slash weekend. Let's take another call that came in right here. Hey DL man. Huge fan. This is uh, Raymond James. That's my music name, I make music, Raymond James, that music maker. And that's also the name of the stadium in Tampa Bay, Raymond James Stadium. Ray J is also a man.

I think uh, he was a famous rapper or something and he stole everybody's money off that fire island. Let's hear more. But anyways, uh, I was, I was really excited to see that, uh, you're showing Milwaukee uh, in October is, is got put back up. Um, that's, that's great news, man. And I don't know if I'm calling a little bit late about this, but I have a mom. I'd actually like to nominate for single, uh, single night's mom's night out.

That nomination, that nomination. We got you baby. Onward. Uh, her name's Destiny Gonzalez. She's 27. She's, she's got two adorable little kids. I'm only 23, but I met her and, um, known her my whole life and, uh, unfortunately the guy is, you know, he was, he wasn't in, um, the kid's life at all, but she's a, she's

a great mom. And I just, uh, come to the show either way, I just wanted to let you know, um, gang brother. And I didn't mean to cut you off, but I'm going to have Nick reach out to you. Um, and we will, uh, we'll line it up. We'll do something special for her. So, uh, thank you for the nomination there. Milwaukee. Um, yeah, it'd be good.

We haven't got to do that in a while. So thank you. And I'm excited to come back to these, some of these places, you know, we took them off the books and putting them back on the books and, um, and I'm excited. I've been working on some new material a little bit the past couple of weeks. This is still going to be the, the, the dark arts tour. I only have about 20 shows left on it. So it's like about eight or 10 shows here in the U S and then, uh, 10 shows over there

in Europe. And that'll be the end of it. Isn't that crazy? Man. It'll be the end of it, man. It's sad kind of a little bit, but it's not sad yet. It's still exciting. Let's take a call that came in right here.

Here we go. Go on. See you. This is, uh, Michael calling from Baltimore. Uh, I got a little issue here. I've been with my girl for, for two years and, uh, we had a little conversation yesterday where, where it kind of came out that she doesn't really want to have sex anymore. Oh, okay.

So she took that nookie, huh? She took that nookie off the mesa, baby, off the table. She took that nookie off the mesa, huh? So I'm guessing titties only, or what is it? Let's hear more. It's not necessarily even with me, she just doesn't enjoy sex at all. And she, she thinks back to the times when she was single and, and when she was out there and you know, she had a couple little romps herself and she said she'd never really.

Getting dick. That's what they say. Or getting, you know, doing sex. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that part about the dick, but, uh, yeah, man, well, it seemed like she's been out there before. She obviously knows what it's like to have sex, uh, and you guys have had sex, it seems like. So sorry, I'm just making sure I know all the clues to this.

Let's go. More. I guess that's what she's doing, the excitement of going out and meeting new people, but not really, you know, even the sexual aspect of things. We're going to have to make a decision here next May, she's going to graduate from a grad school and go and get a job somewhere in the country and, and you know, I'm either going to follow her and be with her or I'm going to stay where I'm at. I don't know what to do.

Well, I think I appreciate your calling, man. You know, if she doesn't want to have sex and you might have to move with her, it's really up to you. It's like, do you, is sex important to you? You know, you could always just draw a picture of her in the bathroom, in the shower or something and masturbate to it and live together. You could, uh, let's hear if any more clues onward. I don't know if I can be with somebody who doesn't want to have sex.

Yeah. I think it's risky, man. It's risky. And it also seems she could be a lesbian and a lesbian in some way that have sex, usually at first they have sex behind your back with other women and then they just go have sex with women or it's not even sex. I mean, it is sex, but it's different. You know, there's not a wiener.

So it sounds like you got a friend, you know, and I hate to say that to you. I know you love her, but it sounds like you have a, like a loving friend. So what I would do is I would talk to her and see if there's any chance for you guys to have children because maybe she just wants to have kids and you guys do, you know, are just loving parents and you get your sexual elsewhere, you know, you get your sex down a block down there by the, uh, Casey's general store or something, meet a bad bitch over there by the hot Cheetos or something or by the little, uh, sometimes they have pizzas in there on a little wheelie on that, you know, kind of cooking wheelie.

But it sounds like you have a friend to me. So my suggestion would be just to communicate with her real clearly. Cause if you go spending gas money and going across America or something on the, you might end up in one of those damn cults or whatever. So, but I wish you well, man. I appreciate you calling in. Let's take another call here. Here we go.

Hey, feel sure Asian brother, Justin from Jersey. What's up, Jay from jurors? How y'all doing out there? Jersey dude. And I saw a friend of mine, bruh, somebody, um, when he was real, real young dude, somebody stabbed him in, uh, in New Jersey onward. I was just calling man to, uh, see how you've been so I've been doing pretty good, man. Thanks for asking, um, what's been going on?

Not much. I'm supposed to go to a party tonight. Actually, David Spade invited me out. So you know, I'm name dropping and he's coming on the podcast this week. Uh, but what else? Uh, not much, man. I haven't been feeling that good, but I'm trying to just find some more motivation. I'm trying to just, you know, honestly quit looking for motivation outside of myself and

look for it more inside of myself because that's what's missing for me right now. Um, you know, I'm not fucking, you know, I'm not just kind of sacking up and just saying, look, this is what I want and this is, you know, and it's okay. And it's okay to, you know, to, to progress and move forward and, and stuff like that. But anyway, I'm rambling about me. Let's hear more about you, brother. My concern right now is, um, I just started meeting this new girl later online. We, uh, we, uh, had a relations on the first date.

Okay. And that's sex. It could be sex, could be oral, could be hard oral, you know, and a lot of times a lady will get down. I've seen on the internet, they'll get on their knees and you get behind them and hit them with that hummingbird. You feel me? And that's either where you kind of do like a real hard tongue, real in and out.

Like you were, uh, you know, trying to taste a battery, but being afraid, trying to, you know, touch the top of a Duracell, but having fear or you, some people can get an erection real quick and drop it at the same time, real back and forth real fast. And you'll just kind of do that on the lady's body on a, and do that hummingbird over there looking for that sweet, that moisture daddy. But Jesus Christ, man, I'm getting hard thinking about all this. What is going on today, man? I think my, I think I'm thinking about Hawaii, bro.

My body's already in Hawaii. Let's hear more. I really like her. We vibe really well, some more interests, um, you know, good spooning size, all that good stuff. Just, uh, just bugging me out a little bit that, um, she's a very highly sexual woman. Oh yeah, she got that fifth gear, bro. You know what I'm saying?

She's into somebody just squeezing on her shoulders or on her tits. Let's go more brother. And she, or anything, I mean, a lot of, I know a girl, you start to wear real heavy shoes when she would fuck and she'd put even like what she would weight them down. So you had, she just had these heavy ass, you know, the, her feet were just heavy as fuck day, just real, just real, you know, like almost like her own gravity at the end of each leg. Just, you know, she had about 16 pounds of shoe and, you know, sometimes metal kind

of tied to the bottom of it. Just sexual, you know, people are wild, doesn't seem too, uh, conservative about her sexuality. So I'm just, uh, just want to know your opinion, man, about a, about a woman that, you know, was open to relations on the first date. Well, I mean, you have to be open to it too. You know, women are a lot more sexual these days. You know, when I was young, you had to see, I remember one girl would show sometimes would drive by and press her vagina against a window of a Ford Mustang 5.0.

And you know, that was a lot, that was a lot of the most of the sex I had when I was young. Was just seeing her go by, you know, once a quarter or whatever, once a year, three or four times a year, but, uh, what was this about? But you have to, um, oh, here's the thing, brother, you had sex too on the first date. So both of y'all did. So anything you think about her, you got to think about you kind of, you know, just, you know, so if you want her, if you want things to be different with her, then you got to make it different, you know, take her to a splash park or take her to a, you know,

get her over there to the Dairy Queen or to the family dollar. You got to go do some shopping, get some craft stuff, make kites or something. You know, take her on a date or two without touching and then bring her over for a little bit of, uh, you know, get, get some of those, get a pack of Johnson's brats and grill them bad bitches up, let her smell the smoke of that meat. And then later put a little bit of that, you know, uh, tenderizer around your junk and get hit with that last brat. You know, that, I think that sixth brat, cause a lot of them come in a package of five.

My stepdad used to make them and he passed away, but before he died, he would grill them up all the time and he, that's all he ever talked about too. He had Alzheimer's and he would talk about Johnson, them Johnsonville brats. So, but yeah, I mean, if she has sex on the first date and you, and you like her, I think you got to separate those two things. You know, you could tell her, look, I really like y'all want to, you know, kind of take things a little slower or you guys can just keep having sex and just also like her. So, but it's something both of you guys engaged in it.

I love you, bro. Have a good one, man. I appreciate you calling in. Um, all right, I think that's, I got to go to the beach, uh, here, I'll play this one call, man. Here we go. Thank you guys for calling. Um, as, uh, as always the hotline, 985-664-9503.

Here we go. Hey, what up, the old man, the rat here. El Raton de Reyes. Onward. El Rey Raton. Oh, there you go. El Rey Raton. Gracias.

Yeah, man. So I'm just calling because, uh, I feel a little guilty, man, this past weekend, I was here with my friend, Big Wave Dave, B-Dub-D, boy, Big Wave Dave out there, bro. Don't let him drown. You feel me? Because sometimes people have a name like that, you know, splashy your hands and or whatever or fucking, uh, you know, they'll have, uh, you know, Lake Jake or something like that.

They don't drown. So because they, you know, they try to live up to the name onward. We're making the magic brownies, baby. I'm not talking about that Bill Cosby special, I'm talking about that, that weed. Okay. You talking about that green, that leafy dessert, huh? You made some weed brownies and what else onward? And, uh, yeah, so we made them brownies, right?

I was higher than Buzz Aldrin, baby. Yeah. I feel you look brown feel Armstrong. You got me. Go. And I got a call from my father, he said, he said, your mother's in the emergency room. Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that dude. Uh, I just didn't expect you to say that just now because you in Big Wave Dave boy or whatever

his name was, you know, um, you guys were just having snacks onward. I was shocked and said, well, what happened and he said nothing. She felt like she was having a heart attack. She was dying or something. Well that's something, bro. That's not nothing. Nothing is, you know, maybe sitting, sitting outside on the porch or something or, you know, getting in your car and you haven't started it yet, but you haven't, you're not

looking at your phone yet or anything. You're just sitting in there. Um, onward. I said, man, well, what should he, he said, she didn't eat nothing, she just ate a little bit of those brownies you left in the morning, except the last night, I mean, I'm sorry. So yeah, just feeling a little guilty, probably won't ever tell her and, um, yeah, it's just a heavy load to carry on, on me for the rest of my life. Gang, gang, baby.

Gang, bro. Yeah. That's a lot. When you're out there drugging your own mother secretly through dessert, that's heavy. You know, that's real, real heavy. And your mother, you know, the lady that brought you out of her own womb, bruh, she sprouted you out into the world through that vaheen papa and you drugging her out at the house. She can't even go to her own icebox and get a couple of sweet treats without you fucking

dousing her up. Hey says, Christa papa, I mean, come on, bro, your own mother who gestated you inside of her body, brother, who sprouted you from the size of nothing. And who just, just let you down that magic sweat elevator into the world, into existence. And you out there dousing her up with them little Cosby cakes, bruh, come on, man. Bro, you need to write your mom a letter, dude, and mail it to her and tell her what happened, bruh. I don't think it's the thing you say face to face.

I think you send her a letter and say, look, mom, I'm that dude, you know, that drugs his mother. I'm the guy who drugs his mother through night times, you know, through sweets, through, you know, morsels, through, you know, dessert. Because who, you know what I'm saying? What's next? You're going to, you know, slip your father a couple of things a Molly, bruh. You're going to put a little Percocet in your sister-in-law's pudding.

Where does it end? So I think coming clean, bruh, that's it. And they'll call you big wave, Dave, and coming clean, Jean. And I know your name is not Jean, but if it was, it would make great sense there. So that's all I got, man. That's all I have for you today. I'm going to Hawaii. I want to thank Nick.

I want to thank you guys. And what else is going on? Not much. I'm excited to just kind of chill out for a week. And I literally just decided kind of at the last minute, I've been hoping that to get things all lined up and, uh, and everything is, is okay. So thank you guys for calling in. Thank you guys for the support.

And I'm excited to come and hit those tour dates. And I hope you're doing well. You know, I hope you're making it through another week. It's an exciting time of year to look forward to, you know, uh, with Christmas coming up and, you know, they got all this fancy drinks at Starbucks coming up, you know, and it's a beautiful time of year. It's a good time to meet somebody new or to let somebody know you care about them. It's a good time to make your mother some cookies that are, uh, you know, that aren't

a schedule one narcotic. So it's really just a, it's a good time to be somebody and to do something for someone. And, uh, yeah, I'm going to try to just, just take it easy, man and be grateful. I'm grateful. You guys are here today. Um, you guys be good to yourselves because you guys deserve it. You know, I know that I say it every week, but, uh, but I mean it, gang. I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home and my

mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been grown. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life.