This Past Weekend - Honest with Myself | This Past Weekend #119

Episode Date: August 6, 2018

Back from Minnesota. Talking Gary V, dinner guests, and deities. Music “Memphis” - Brooks Daugherty http://bit.ly/TPW_BrooksDaugherty Support Our Sponsors Skillshare http://bit.ly/TPW_Skillshare 2 months unlimited access for $0.99 with this link Grey Block Pizza http://bit.ly/GreyBlock Submit a video question on LiveRaise’s Fan Line: http://bit.ly/LiveRaiseFanLine Theo Von/This Past Weekend Patreon: http://bit.ly/TheoVon_Patreon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ https://www.instagram.com/thispastweekend_/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend/ Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ Dates August 16-18 Laugh Factory Chicago, IL September 14-15 Zanies Nashville, TN September 20-24 Just for Laughs Toronto October 18-20 Skyline Comedy Club Appleton, WI November 1-3 Helium Comedy Club Buffalo, NY November 9-10 Wise Guys Salt Lake City, UT Nov 30 & Dec 1 Comedy Loft Washington DC Incepgunt Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Renee Nicol Angelo Raygun Matthew Snow Ryan Sweatman The Asian Hamster Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Travis Vowell J.T. Hosack Austin Kehler Addison Ardolino thatdudewiththepaperbag Meghan LaCasse Nyx Ballaine Alta Jacob Rice Jonny Zaz Mark Bentley Kiera Parr James Hunter Jerry Zhang Gabriel Almeda Ryan Crafts Amanda Sherman Brett Jones justin marcoux Christopher Stath Bryan Reinholdt Niko Ferrandino Paddy jay Thee shitfaced chef Paul Flores Tommy Redditt Casey Rudesill Gunt Squad Gary Joey Desrosiers Cody Kenyon Kirk Cahill Philip James Michael E. Ganzermiller Scott Owen Lide Mitchell Watson Matthew Azzam Justin L Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Ken Melvin Old McTronald Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Limes Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Dan Ray Audrey Harlan kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This weekend I'll be in Pasadena on Wednesday, August 8th at the Pasadena Ice House. Tickets available at theovon.com slash tour. As well, in two weeks I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Chicago. After that, Nashville.

Also Charlotte. We just added some dates. I'm heading back to that North Cackalacka. And that is October 4th through the 6th. Toronto, Appleton, Buffalo, Salt Lake City. You guys, all tickets available at theovon.com slash tour. You know, sometimes you see that swimming pool when you jump in and you don't know how deep it is. That's where I'm at today.

You know, sometimes you jump into a pool and it's beautiful. You just get wet. Sometimes you jump in and that bottom is two inches down. And that water had that little, you know, that's a mirage. That's a damp mirage. And sometimes you don't get wet. You get straight up handicapped. Sometimes you get wet.

Sometimes you get wheelchaired. Who knows, but this is where we are right now. We're flying by the seat of our pants, and we're in the air. Let's hit this pool. Let's see how deep this thing is. Mm-hmm. That's a little hitter right here, a little ditty. Memphis is 200 miles away Memphis is 200 miles away Memphis is 200 miles

So I just sit and laugh and smile Memphis is where that old evil woman stayed Memphis, where that old evil woman escaped She had a chip on her shoulder Since the day she left her home She thought her daddy didn't love her And she was born to roam She made her mama cry a river And she didn't give a damn Uh-huh.

Yeah. to drag with her to hell She played my heart just like a guitar and she didn't skip a beat Now I thank the Lord above She's so far away from me because Memphis is 200 miles away Memphis is 200 miles away Memphis is 200 miles So I just sit and laugh and smile. Memphis is where that old evil woman stays. Memphis is where that old evil woman stays. Man, everybody's got an evil woman in the distance, don't they?

And it might be an actual, it might be an actual woman. You know, it might be that dirty damsel. You know, it might be that little dandruff, that little dandruff damsel in the distance that just, man, you just can't help but scratch your head when it comes to thinking about that woman. But then it might be a pervert, you know, not even a real woman, just a hypothetical, a woman. It might be a thing, an object. It might be just something, you know. It could be a drug in the distance that you keep far away. It could be a memory that you're hiding from or that you're running from or this that you steer clear of. You know, it could be something that you keep at arm's length.

You know, we could be something that you keep at arm's length. You know, we all have things and, you know, we don't know, who knows if we all have things. I have things that I keep at arm's length. You know, I have some things that I keep. You know, I have some truths that I keep at arm's length. You know, I don't always want to be fully honest with myself. You know, I think it's interesting how wild it is to be fully honest. If I want to tell myself the 100% truth, I don't want to do that. You know, I don't want to do that. I get scared of telling myself the truth. What is the truth, man? What if I'm fully honest with myself, what could happen? You know, and that's one of my goals this year and the rest of this year is to get fully

honest with myself, you know, just to live in the, just to, I just don't, man, I, and I don't think, and i don't have a lot of skeletons in the closet but damn boy you could hear some femurs just acting fancy in there once in a while you know and the crazy thing about honesty the crazy thing about the truth the truth i feel like carries a drum the truth carries carries a drum. And in the beginning, when you have the truth and you don't let the truth free, when the truth is free,

you can't hear it. But when you put that truth away, it gets its little drum out. And it'll just start making a little sound and a little sound. And then that sound just keeps, that sound grows in you until that truth is just

fucking Jerry Page or whatever. Or, you know what I'm saying? Fucking Lonnie Van Zandt back there just beating the hell out of that thing. And then you just, dang, man, the truth will not. It just, you know, that's just that sound and it just wants to get out. And that's the truth. The truth wants to be quiet. But it has to be free. And when you got that truth caged up, boy, that thing can get

really loud. And that's where I'm at sometimes. Just living sometimes. I just want to live on that plane of just freedom. And so that's one of my goals this year to get even closer to that plane if I can. And it's a journey. I think that's one of my goals this year, to get even closer to that plane if I can. And it's a journey. I think that's all life is, man. We're out here on a journey. You know, we're out here in this rowboat.

You ever bought a bad boat off of somebody? You ever bought a bad boat? You're like, damn, dude, look at that fucking boat, man. And they're like, oh, it's a good boat. And you're like, okay, here's some money. Then you're out in that bitch, and you're like, what the fuck, dude? This boat is bad.

And that's life sometimes. You start, dude, think about this. You get life at zero, you're like four days old, you get to be alive, two days old, whatever. Six minutes old. And you get that, right out the gate, you get to be alive. Two days old, whatever. Six minutes old. And you get that right out the gate, you get life. And then you're out there 20, 30 years, you're like, damn

boy, this thing. This life's got a few holes in it. My life's taking on water. And I got to dry this thing out. And it's hard, man. It's hard because you don't know. You don't know that, you know. You just don't fucking know. Whatever. I don't know what I'm talking about. You just keep rowing, bro.

You just keep rowing. It's not always going the way you want, bro, but onward, right? What's up? Thank you guys for being here. I'll just go back from Minneapolis. I want to thank everybody that came out. I got back from Rochester.

I worked with Gary Varner Chuck this weekend. And Gary Varner Chuck, man, he's that money-minded little, you know, he's that little dollar monster. You know, he's that money Muppet. And he likes money. He likes business. You know, he's like the Walter White of fucking Wall Street. You know, he talks about money. He talks Wall Street. He talks about money. He talks about business. He talks about succeeding. And look, I'd seen videos of his on Facebook. And I was like, what is this guy?

Is this for real? What's his deal? And I'll tell you this. From walking away, I was out there with this group called Stationary Astronaut. We were in Rochester, Minnesota. And it was great. And I sat in the back. You know, I performed last. The comedians were going on at the end. And Gary Vaynerchuk was a big draw there. And people brought tickets to go see him. And some people bought tickets to come

see me. And we did the show. And it was great, man. It was a great experience. And Gary Vaynerchuk, man, he gave out some good advice. He gave out some good advice. Here's a couple things that he said. He said, and I'm just sharing this information that I heard with you. Now, and this is stuff that I took that I thought was helpful. He said that he thought that right now these are simple things, might mean nothing to nobody. That land that you could get real estate in New York for pennies on the dollar right now, he thought. And another thing that he said was that advertising on Instagram and Facebook are cheaper than they will ever be.

Or as cheap as they will ever be. So they utilize those tools. And he also just, I think he genuinely wants people just to be woke, you know, to be woke up when it comes to business, if they want to do business. Now, some people, it's like, you know, we're infected with this world where everything, you got to do business. You know, and Gary Vaynerchuk seemed like that money Muppet. You know, he got that, like if you say, say if we's all Muppets, because we's all.

And somebody put a hand up you. Who gots a hand? Whose hand is in your butt? Is making you live your life. Whose hand is up you? Is up your skirt. Up your full body skirt, you know, and making you Muppet. Is it a, is that person a therapist? Is that person a therapist?

Is that person a banker? And Gary Vaynerchuk, whatever hand is coming to him, it's that money hand. It's that banker hand. And he likes money and he likes business. And I think he just likes effectiveness. But it was interesting, man. And it was a blast.

We had a good time there in Rochester. And Rochester, Minnesota, if there's a city on earth where there are angels at, man, it's Rochester, Minnesota. I mean, this city, first of all, the Mayo Clinic is there. And the Mayo Clinic, you know, when I was young, some people know and some people don't. My sister suffered from a rare liver disease called biliary atresia. And it affects one in maybe almost half a million children. And something with their liver, their bile duct or something doesn't work. And, you know, I remember as a kid, man, it would be so crazy because we couldn't touch our little sister.

You know, and we couldn't like hug her and we couldn't play with her because she was sick. And so it was, I think some of my connectivity issues and stuff, I think a lot of my intimacy issues maybe even developed right there. You know, and you don't realize it when you're a kid as much, but it makes you kind of scared that you can't, you know, that you have a little girl that's sick and a little girl that's sick and then you can't touch her, you know, you can't play with her, you're scared you're going to hurt her or something. Because she had to wear like a bag, you know, sometimes and she had to, you know, I remember

she would go away and she was two years younger than me, so she would go away, and she'd come back with all these scars on her. They'd carve into her a little bit. She'd come back looking like that Thanksgiving turkey about three hours into the giving. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that turkey gave. If on Thanksgiving, say dinner's at 1, you go take a gander. You know know i'm saying i mean that turkey gave you know if on thanksgiving say turkey say dinner's at one you you go take a gander you know i'm saying you drop eyeballs on that fucking turkey about 3 30 in the afternoon that thing looks like it's been in a damn gangbang

with a couple of knives you know a couple of uh knifes and that's how my sister came back you know she'd come back to look kind of chopped up and she'd have these sutures and everything. And, um, man, it's so funny. I never thought about that, that that could have been something that kind of, you know, maybe adjusted how I interact with people, uh, or especially women even, or anybody sometimes in like a, um, spatial kind of, you know, physical spatial type of environment. But yeah, but we couldn't touch her. We couldn't play with her and she would be sick and it was just kind of scary.

Anyway, there was a point when, and she would go all over the country because it was very rare at the time. And my sister ended up getting a liver transplant. And that was crazy. I remember being real young and we would do fundraisers and we would take those cans around town and put the cans out at the pizza parlors and whatever for people to put money in the cans for my sister to raise money for the transplant. because she needed constant care and she needed a transplant to get that extra liver. You know what I'm saying?

She needed that extra fucking straight up body hitter, bro. And that liver's a... Dude, that liver. Woo! That liver, bro. That's the Patrick Swayze of organs. Liver could do anything. You've been drinking?

Ba-bow, boy. Liver will shine you up and put you back on... And you'll go to work the next day, but I'll. You know what I'm saying? Your liver's right there. Your liver's got your front. Your liver's got your back. You know, your liver will wring you out and tighten you up. And so anyway, man, you know, she ended up getting a transplant years later, but when I was young, she had to go to the Mayo Clinic.

And the Mayo Clinic is there in Rochester. It's right there in Rochester, Minnesota. And you're talking about a hospital that I want to say there's like a million, almost a million and a half patients that come through there every year. And so some of you guys are thinking, nah, that's crazy. That's an unrealistic amount of patients. And this is a small city. Let me look up the population of Rochester. Rochester, Minnesota population is 114,000. Okay, people live in Rochester, Minnesota. But the Mayo Clinic brings in over a million people pass through that city every year.

And that's amazing. So you want to talk about a place where, you know, where good is happening and you can feel it in the air. Man, you could feel. There were so many nice people. It was unbelievable. Even if they had thugs in there, the dudes were fucking nice, you know. You know, I mean, it's the kind of place where even if you got mugs, some dude would be like, give me all your money, you know, if you kind of okay with that, give me all your money, if you don't, you know, if you could, you

know, and I'll give it right back, like that kind of thing, you know, it was that kind of place where there's just a lot of good in the air up there, and it was just a blessing to be there, man, because I was back there, and because here's what happened was when my sister went one time when we were kids, we got to go up and see her. And it was just a blessing to be there, man, because I was back there. And because here's what happened was when my sister went one time when we were kids, we got to go up and see her because it was a holiday. It was Christmas. And so we got to go spend a Christmas up there in Rochester, Minnesota when I was a child and visit my sister up there at the Mayo Clinic. And they have a huge Ronald McDonald house up there and everything. But anyway, it was just amazing, man. I had a great time. And I got to listen to Gary Vaynerchuk and it was cool. It was just cool. One thing I realized

about listening to inspirational speakers, because I don't do that kind of stuff that much. I'll watch the Tony Robbins documentary that came out this year. But one thing is, and I probably had some judgments about Gary V v i'm like look at this he's just you know this guy was born his family was wealthy they had a wealthy wine business and blah blah blah and what is you know what struggle has he had and blah blah blah those are thoughts going through my head but then he was inspiring and sometimes it's good to just hear somebody inspire you. And that's what I realized. Like, I don't care.

Like, I might not. Maybe I agree with everything this guy says. I don't know. Maybe I don't. But the guy has achieved a lot of successes. And he's speaking to me in an inspirational way. He wants me to leave here better than I came. He wants me to leave here more inspired.

And it was good, and that's how I felt. I left there more inspired. I had a couple of new ideas, and I left there more inspired. But people were so friendly. Everybody was so friendly, and the stationary astronaut group that brought me out was amazing. That song on the way in was by Brooks Doherty. You can check that out. We'll put a link to that if there is one in the YouTube and in the comments.

That's Brooks Doherty. We've all got those truths or those things that we keep. Or that woman or that ex. We've all got something that we keep about 200 miles away. We've all got something that we keep about 200 miles away. We've all got something we keep at arm's length. We've all got something that it's hard to... Sometimes that's where it needs to be. Sometimes that's where it needs to be.

Thank you to everybody that came out of Minneapolis. Look, I'll be honest. That theater was a dump. And it was. And the staff was great. Am I saying that the staff wasn't great, man? They had a young man there who we didn't have, there was no lighting to take photos afterwards. The microphone wasn't, it wasn't a wire mic.

Like, you know, the stage, and I just, I'd say this to apologize. I'm not even really trying, I'm not trying to offend the venue. You know, it just, it is say this to apologize. I'm not even really trying, I'm not trying to offend the venue. You know, it's just, it is what it is, right? I'd never been there. I didn't know what it was like. I think we made the best of the situation. The stage had a hill,

it had this like messed up part in the flooring of the stage where when I stepped on it, it like made this da-dunk sound. It sent out this Morse code. So as I'm walking around, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk. And so then the first show, I couldn't even be mobile because there was no way to walk back and forth.

There was like a little hill almost in the middle of the stage. So it just made it extremely uncomfortable. And the lighting wasn't good. You know, they had these very dim purple lights on us. So I want to apologize to the people that came out to the first show. The second show they got the lights going. I said, hey man, we got to turn these lights up. What is this? And we had them fix the stage and make it flat because it's a stage. It should be flat. And they helped out. They adjusted

as much accordingly. and the second show i felt like we really were able to really just uh do better um it still wasn't ideal you know i had a lot of fans that reached out and you know uh made comments and stuff and i'm sorry you know i want to apologize i didn't know um and so I feel some responsibility because I want it to be the best. I want it to be, look, man, I'm excited to come. And I wanted to be there. And I don't know. I just felt like I let some people down a little bit.

But anyhow, if we go back there again, we'll make sure everything's shined up. Or we'll go somewhere else. Or we'll see how it goes. But I was definitely grateful to be there. And both shows were sold out. And we got some great pictures afterwards with the strap. And I wish the lighting had been better. I know they did the best they could.

They brought in some floodlights from a construction site or something. So look, sometimes that's how we have to do it. And people in Minnesota are so kind and friendly that everybody was so supportive. I saw a couple of mullets out there. And you know what's interesting about the mullet, man? What's interesting about it is, so look, so I have this haircut. And to me, this feels like just a regular adult man's haircut.

You know, the kind of guy who definitely is down the fuck, you know, but also has some erectile issues. You know what I'm saying? That's that patented straight up modern man cut. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about half mast, baby. You want that penis and it's going to be kind of, you know, it'll be decently long, but it's going to be a little bit squishy. You know, if you want that super hard kick, you know, you might want to go travel back in time about 20 years when that thing was really pertinent. But, um, or when I was about 17, you know, when I was just running on full spring, um, cause I also, some people don't even know this. Uh, you know, I was born when I was about five, maybe four or five years old, I had an adult penis at four or five.

And some people were like, well, what are you talking about? And what I'm talking about is exactly what I just said. Is that I had that AP, you know, that early, that adult pianist. You know? And I'm talking about fucking, you know, Vincent Van. You know, I had that Vincent Van gang, bro. You know, I had that straight up, that pianist. And I know Vincent Van Gogh didn't play the piano.

But I had that fucking Vincent Van gang, that pianist. You know? That human adult pianist at five years old. And a lot of people think it's cool and stuff having a man's penis, having that MCs, that man kick at a young age, but it isn't. It's heavy. It's strain on your legs, on the side of your legs, even strains on your shoulders and stuff a little.

But here was the crazy part, and I grew into my penis, and this happens. It's very rare. It happens in few people. You know, probably maybe I think, I don't know if I've seen a lot of numbers. I mean, I had all kinds of penile issues growing up. And it's crazy. We've talked about some of them before.

You know, I had a very small wiener hole. And so when I would urinate, it would, I mean, you know what I'm saying? I could, I could hit a fucking soybean on a cat's back from probably about maybe nine feet away. And that is, I mean, and I could just, and I could even, here's what I could do. I could wash a cup. I could wash a couple of pieces of sea salt off the top of a soybean on a cat's back. So that's fine. That's fine of a stream. Because I had a small, I don't know what it's called, and a doctor would know better than I would.

I had a very small wiener hole. And that's what people call it that aren't doctors. And I had that thing. And so I could, you know, I had that flow. But then I had to go and get it surgically opened up because it was too, I mean, it got to the point where I was getting older. And it was 13, I mean, it got to the point where I was getting older, and it was 13 feet, 14 feet, you know, and people are paying money to see me piss, and it would just get crazy, and it burned, and it burned the inside of my body. Anyhow, but I had an adult man's penis at a young

age, and the hard part about having that when you're young is that trying to sleep you think it's walking around and stuff like that you get used to that you know your body you get kind of your your thighs get strong you know your thighs get real cock ready because they have to you know they have to transport you know real cock every day even at a young age but um but sleeping and if you, sometimes I would fall asleep on my own wiener. I can't even know what I'm talking about this, but I'd fall asleep on my own wiener, and it would make me sick

because the pressure of it just pushing against my young belly at night would make me almost vomit. But anyhow, what were we talking about? Gary Varner chat. Oh, we're talking about your body. No, we're talking about, oh, I don't know. Thank you to the Mayo Clinic.

Thank you to everybody that came out of Minneapolis. I still had a great time. Man, what were we talking about? Your body. We're talking about growing up. No, we're talking about when I was young. Fuck. I don't know.

Sorry, guys. I got a gift. You know, people bring you gifts sometimes on the road. Some man brought me a couple of G-pig skulls, a couple of guinea pigs, you know, them fucking guinea craniums, you know. And I'm not talking about Italians. I'm talking about the small animals and it's a couple of dude brought me a couple of Guinea craniums. Um, and I don't know how this dude got it. I mean this, and I will, uh, I'll try to put a picture of him in here.

He brought me the skulls of, of Guinea pigs and then they were all doctored up. You know, he had literally dark-arted them, and he, you know, made them fancy, and I mean, these are the kind of things that this has had a little bit of witchery in them, a little bit of wicking, and this was, and they were beautiful. One of them said onward, and one of them said dark arts, and they were beautiful little skulls, and I don't know if he'd, you know, been doing soup or what he'd been doing. But that was a nice gift. I got another gift that came in. I'm just going to show it to you. And people bring things.

Sometimes I bring them on the show. Sometimes I don't. This is a T-shirt somebody brought me in. And it stinks, honestly. And that's okay. This shirt was given to me years back by my friend Garrett. This is a letter that came with the shirt. I don't get much action with it.

I just look like I'm drowning in nacho cheese. It's kind of a yellow. It is definitely a color that's very rare. Anyway, Garrett's in Peru right now teaching English to young adults. As you know, being in another country can get lonely. I sent him a link to your podcast videos, and he is loving that shit. He's been doing better and learning to love himself. He was stoked that I'm getting to see you tonight. country can get lonely, I sent him a link to your podcast videos, and he is loving that shit. He's been doing better and learning to love himself.

He was stoked that I'm getting to see you tonight. So this was given to me in Minneapolis this weekend, and it says, thank you for what you're doing, Luke. Luke Stanger. And Luke, thank you, man. And I appreciate the shirt, dude, and I will, you know, this smell like another man. And that's the thing, brother. You know, maybe it doesn't even, it might be clean, but it smells like another man. And it's hard, bro, as hard as an adult male to put on another man's shirt.

I mean, when it have so much of that man in it. I mean, this man has had this shirt for probably seemed like about eight years. That's a lot of man already baked in to that thread count. That's like about probably maybe 70 thread count cotton and maybe 40 thread count male. And that's a lot. And, you know, it just makes you feel uncomfortable as a man, as a straight man. Now, as a gay man, it could feel differently. I don't know. You know, there's some things that make me feel wild, like that I just, they're hard to do.

If you've ever, if a man has gotten out of bed, you've ever laid in that man's bed immediately in his warm spot and you're a straight man, that is, that is, you know, that does something to your neck, boy. That'll make squirrels start nibbling at your neck. You know, and for gay men, it might be fun. It might be, you know, it might be like, you know, body heat freeze tag or something. I don't know what that's like. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know, it would heat freeze tag or something. I don't know what that's like.

And there's nothing wrong with that. You know, it would make sense that that's a more of a comfortable realm, you know, for that 98.6 fucking little love cave. If you snuggle up in that thing, if your man's gets out of bed, but as a straight man. And if another man gets out, you know, say if you climb into a dude's bed and he'd been in there and you snuck in, you know, and he left to work or something. You've been sleeping in his house on the couch with no covers. And your buddy finally goes to work and you fucking want to catch two more hours of Z's because you stayed up all night sipping on Zimas, you know, and watching Judge Judy. Then now you can and you go slip into his bed, but you catch up. There's still a little bit of his warmth in there, that'll make you tangle, boy, that'll make you tangle, it makes you feel

like just fucking somebody is just beating you in the neck with a fucking bunch of soft little shovels, it makes you feel uncomfortable, but that's how this shirt makes me feel a little bit, and I'm grateful for this shirt, it's got Michael Jackson on it. But also, you know, and I'm thankful to Garrett and everybody, but it's hard to wear another man's shirt like that. But the beauty in it is, even when the place isn't ideal, and even when the show doesn't go, because the lights, because they're, you know, they're trying, they're changing the lights in the middle of it, and the sound, they don't even have a wired microphone in the joint. That we get to have moments like this where somebody comes out and maybe a nice note.

And you share it, Luke, and you share it. You're not afraid to share something with somebody else. You're not afraid to. And that's nice, man. And this meant a lot to me. And I brought it back here to this podcast. And I want to thank you thank you very much man we also got this this a postcard came in and i'll put that into our um we do an anthrax challenge where we open up a lot of mail uh every month and we'll put one of those up um maybe at the end of this week as well we had a single mom that came out

uh emily so it was a lot of fun, man. We went to eat before at a place like literally right across the street. And there were some people that were headed to the show. And we had a nice time, man. We'll do a follow-up with her too so you guys can get a look at that. We shot a little bit of video. And thank you to so many people who have reached out to help out in different cities and start to do some cinematography and videography for us.

And things are coming along. We're going to do some neat stuff, dude. I got this idea that I want to do like a game show for May, like a cleaning lady in a hotel room, right? Because I've had some experience with cleaning ladies, dude. One time, you know, some little vixen you know some little uh some little uh you know some little love daisy some little lady some little froi line some little uh you know whispery you know whispery little wiener monkey, some beautiful lady, or maybe not even beautiful,

but decent looking, stayed over in my hotel room, right? And she had, in the middle of the night, you know, something happened. And I'm not saying we did sex or anything like that. We might've just been friends. We might've fucking arm wrestled, bro. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. That bitch might've been from New Jersey. You know, we might have done each other's hair and arm wrestled. Who knows? But a lady stayed over and she had Mother Nature hit her in the middle of the night. You know, hit her down in that, you know, in that A positive aqueduct. You know, she got a little bit of that period.

And I know that's kind of vulgar and I'm not trying to talk about it, but she got a little bit of that menstrual. You feel me? You know what I'm saying? She got a little bit of that, you know, that O negative aqueduct kind of opened up a little bit. And, um, and that's natural, dude. That's totally natural. You know, I can only imagine if they had eggs moving around in my body, I'd want to fucking, you know, take a little heat off the engine every now and then, you know, and do that, you know, take a little heat off the engine every now and then. You know, and do that, you know, and do a little bit of menstrual. But, so anyway, you know, you know, and it was okay. It was, you know, we just kind of joked about it in the morning.

Because I wet the bed while I was 30, 30. You know, I think the last time I really, you know, flowed out was when I was 30. You know, and I used to, you know, just straight up run Big Yella out into the sheets. And especially when I was a child, right? Because I would drink so much apple juice. And man, I pissed big on apple juice, bro. Nobody, I'll tell you this, and I'll put this up against any child in America. No child could wet the bed like I could when I was really out there as a child and I was pissing at night.

Dude, I could wet the bed four times in a night, son. I'm out in these sheet streets, baby. You want to change these sheets? Change them. You better invite some ghosts over to the house because we need more sheets. You better invite a couple of clans, man, over here because we need to borrow some bedding, baby, because I'm going to piss every sheet in this house, dude. I'd wake up three, four times a night to change the sheets. I'd wake up everybody. If you had me sleep at your house, dude, I was that little mattress wrecker. You know, I was that little dude.

I would just, I'd be rusting up the springs in that thing. Boy, you better put me on a, you know what I'm saying? By the third time I stayed at your house, they had me sleeping in the dog bed. I'm snuggling up between a Shih Tzu and a Wamarana. Because my wiener gets wiener running, straight up just dropping urine out into the world. And I would just urinate. I mean, the second I closed my eyes, I think I was just, if anything, I think I was scared of the dark and I would piss myself.

I don't even, dude, but if I had apple juice, if daddy had a little sip of that AJ, because the second I had any apple juice, I had it all. I could hide a gallon in my gullet. But then in the middle of the night, I would flow out. I mean, I could just apple juice. I had it all. I could hide a gallon in my gullet. But then in the middle of the night, I would flow out. I mean, I could just urinate. Anyway, so this girl, you know, she had some menstrual. And I had to tell the cleaning lady about it because I felt bad. You know, I felt, I didn't feel responsibility, but I felt like, you know, accidents happen. Things happen.

This is life. We're in the world for 80 years. Somebody's going to do a little bit of mistrial, you know? And so anyway, cleaning ladies have to deal with stuff like that. So what I'm saying is I would love to do a thing where we do like this surprise game show in the hotel room for a cleaning lady. You know, like she's in there. Suddenly we surprise her, jump out from behind some curtains. And I don't want somebody fucking, you know, beating me down with a straight up one of them toilet cleanser things.

You know, or beating me down with a can of Comet or something. Or straight up Windex and daddy in the face. I don't want it. You know, so we have to be careful. But then maybe we do a couple of questions or something to have her win some money or something. I don't know. But that would be another neat thing to do out on the road. But we'll see, man.

We're getting more. We're slowly. It's slow. It's slow here, but we're getting the wheels turning. What else do I want to tell you guys? But that's what happens, man. No matter what, when we're out on the road, if it's the greatest setup, if it's not that most ideal setup, you guys come out and we have a good time. And we get the job done, and we we meet up and we spend time together.

It wasn't the most ideal way to spend time together. After the shows I like to spend a little bit more time. I felt flustered so I want to apologize to the people that came out to the first show. We weren't able to create more organization in there and that won't happen again. Just because I value that time. You know, I'm flying out there to do this show. I want to put, you know, I want this to be a great experience. I want this to be a lot of fun.

You know, I feel grateful to be able to be, you know, joking around. And I feel grateful that we're all doing, you know, we're out here doing this. What else, man? But that's a beautiful city. Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota. If you want to go to a place, you know, they say you go to a place where there's, you know, people go to the wizard wall or whatever in Israel or Palestine or they go to the, you know, they go to, I don't know what that place is called, Jerry's Volcano or whatever, someplace, you know, where they think there's like magic, you know, old faithful they have.

What else? Bermuda Triangle, places where they think there's magic in the world. You want to know about one of those, go to Rochester, Minnesota. Because the love that has to be in that city, you know, I was talking to a bartender that worked there, and she said, you know, it's really tough because if you're serving a drink to somebody and you say, where are you from? If they say from a different town or a different city,

then you know they're probably in the city because someone that they love or somebody in their family needs long-term care. So she said it's kind of wild because you have to have conversations constantly with people where there's real feelings involved, where there's real emotions. And I think that's special, man. There's something about that, you know, where life is on the line. You know, where life is on the line.

And people are out there, you know, doing their best to love one another. And I can imagine, man, that's got to be a special place they have going on up there. And I don't know if every state could do it. But Minnesota can do that because they got a lot of big hearts up there. You know? A lot of their brain is in their heart. And the other stuff in their head, the brain in their head that just wants cheese and it wants to cheer for the Vikings. But that real brain in their heart, man, I think is is thinking and thinking about love all the time.

Oh, man. What else, dude? I'm freaking what's going on? Oh, you know, I'm kind of struggling with some stuff in my life. I've been struggling with like... I just want to do... It's hard doing business, man. Doing business, I don't like doing...

I like staying busy. But sometimes I don't like doing business because it makes me feel sometimes dirty. I don't know if that makes any sense. It makes some business, like, I don't know. It just makes me feel... It's uncomfortable sometimes. You want to do, you want to succeed.

You want to achieve. But I don't know. It's just, I don't know. What else? We got some dope calls that came. I'm not really switching gears yet. We got Jocko Willink coming on this week, a Navy SEAL. I mean, this man has done it all very inspirational, and I'm hoping to catch some

more inspiration from him. We got Jeannie Buss, the daughter of, you know, she's that Laker lady. They just got LeBron James over there, the daughter of Jerry Buss, and we're going to talk about some things. I'm excited. She's a beautiful lady, extremely charming. So I'm excited to spend some time with her. You know, we got some feedback that came in last week's episode. We talked about if you had to have lunch with somebody, you could have lunch with one other person, who would it be? I talked about some family members that I would have lunch with. And then you guys made some calls in, so I want to get to a couple of those calls. Thank you for those. Here we go.

Hey, Phil. It's Sophie here from Nova Scotia, Canada. Oh, Sophie up from that scoche, huh? From that no scoche. And a scoche, where I'm from, a scoosh is just a little bit of space you know like won't you move them breasts on over a skosh you know that was one of my pickup lines in junior high school you know won't you move them breasts on over a skosh and then'd get slapped. Dude, I remember now, and I'm thinking about it, when I was in junior high. And that's when a lot of girls first start letting you be wild with your...

Actually, this was in high school. This was in high school. When I was in high school, a lot of ladies, they let you start getting a little bit... Everybody had their bodies just on front street. Actually, their brains and their hormones were on front street and their bodies were right there on back. Women kind of had their bodies on back street. Men had their bodies on front street. You know what I'm saying?

Dude, I'd hear a dog howl three blocks away and I'd have to jerk off. You know, and look, people know and and I joke about that kind of stuff, and I've struggled with it, and here I am, you know, 20 years later, still not the same thing. But if I see two dogs fighting, bro, I get a little chubbed up. You know, I'm still battling these dark arts, man. I'm still battling just keeping my hands off my own dang.

Off my own dang lang. Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh, God. My brain is dead today. What was I? Oh. Oh, somebody called in. Where was this call from?

Let's start it again. Hey, Phil. It's Sophie here from Nova Scotia, Canada. Oh, yeah, that's Scosche. You try to get the ladies to move on over a Scosche. Well, I remember when I was young, when I was a child, and I was getting to be a tall child. And look, here's the crazy thing about me. I had that adult wiener,

and my body was constantly trying to catch up to my dick and that's that's hectic for a kid you know just to feel your body just kind of racing it's almost like your body's chasing your penis because you have that adult size penis and your body's just you know so i was i would get tall pretty fast i'd hit these spurts you know My body would just Carl Lewis overnight and then I would be seven inches taller the next day. I'd fall asleep in a long shirt. I'd fall asleep in a large and I'd wake up in a medium. That's how it was. I'd sprout a couple ribs. I'd sprout four ribs overnight. I'd fall asleep with six ribs and and I'd wake up with damn nine or ten.

You know, ten because they come in two at a time. And that's just how it is when you're young. Your body's growing. And especially, anyway, I remember in high school, you know, a lot of girls, you know, guys were so eager and girls were still. You know, a lot of, you know, girls, they got to protect their body. Because men, our nature is out there, we're that electric current. You know, and women, they don't want you hanging out in their socket. And I remember this one gal,

and she, you know, but she cared about me, and what she would do, she said, well, how about this? I can't let you touch my body, but I'll go in the other room, and this would be at night. We'd be over at her parents' house, and she'd go in the other room in the dining room,

and her parents would be asleep. She'd go, I'll let you sit here in the kitchen and listen. And I'll go in the dining room and play with my breasts. And, um, and so, man, I would, bro, you don't think you could hear good, right? Dude, I could hear like a bat. Suddenly I turned from a human into a bat with an erection. Bro, I could hear, oh my God, dude. I could hear a tree fart in France. I could hear a snail hiccup in fucking Nova Scotia, son. Dude, when you are listening, you know, in ninth grade or whatever,

when a woman says that she's willing to go in the other room and play with her breasts so that you can pleasure yourself in the next room and you're allowed to listen to that. Dude, I could hear, I never heard so well in my whole life. I could hear things that my grandmother used to think about, and she'd already been dead for a couple years. I could hear things. Dude, I could hear the past. I could hear Ichabod Crane riding through town, you know, on a horse about the Redcoats. I could hear it all, and that's one thing I remember about being young, but anyway, that's what our skosh reminds me of that. Let's hear a little bit more.

Thank you for calling, sir. We're talking about who we want to have lunch with. And I can tell you right now that would be Socrates. Well, first thing is, as I've postponed it. Is this Jordan Peterson? This sounds like Jordan Peterson, doesn't it? Let's keep listening. Come up with some excuse so I can get to supper.

Because supper is a way better chance to talk to people people you get to be there longer and everything tastes better than lunch but after that like socrates he's just so fascinating i mean this dude literally chose to die on the sword of his own friggin like principles he he was accused of introducing new gods and corrupting the youth by just making people question through Socratic method of questioning, which is something I'm absolutely in favor of, as it's helped me and my friends, well, mostly me, just arguing with everybody. But he's just amazingly knowledgeable and wise. Like, not smart, wise. And I think wise people are, there's something key about them.

And I think that where he didn't write down anything, that was another thing about Socrates. He didn't write down nothing. Oh, man, he reminds me of my dad a little bit. That dude, he didn't write down shit. But onward. So Plato reinterpreted everything. I want to hear word for word what the hell came out of Socrates' mouth.

I think he's one of the most influential humans out there. Well, thank you for that call. I appreciate that coming out of Canada. Man, I love Canada. Can we make more Canadas? Dude, I would love to. We could trade half of these countries and make them Canadas, and I would absolutely love it.

Thank you for calling Socrates. You know, I don't know that much about Socrates, but I'm going to put him on my learning list. I'm going to put Socrates on my learning list, man. You know, right now I'm reading a book called Why We Sleep, and it's pretty fascinating. But I would love to learn a little bit more about Socrates. Thank you for calling. That's who you would have lunch with. Actually, you'd like to have dinner, you said, but could it be a little bit longer? And that's

the truth. Let's hear another call. Thank you. What's up, Theo? It's Johnny. I was just thinking about who would I have dinner with. Thanks for thinking about that, Johnny. And for everybody, the hotline, if you want to call and be a part of the show somehow, 985-664-9503. That's how you get involved in this. Pass. Weekend. Onward, Johnny. And I know a time of basic answer for Walt Disney, man. Ooh, Walt Disney. Hmm. That mousy man, huh? He liked them crazy rides. He liked Cinderella.

He liked Snow White, that lady. She ate some apples and slept over there. You know, a little trap house with a bunch of little soldiers running around. Let's hear more. He made an empire on number one. That would be the coolest thing to ask him, like him how he did that. But two, he was into the dark arts, man. He was doing drugs with Dali and making Alice in Wonderland. The Grumpy and all those guys, that guy was on drugs. No one can look at me in the eyes and tell me that he wasn't high as hell. You know, that's pretty fascinating. You know, he might have been on some dope.

Who was he hanging out with? Muhammad Ali? Damn, that's crazy. I didn't even know that. I'm surprised Cinderella doesn't have fucking bigger shoulders on her, if that's the case. But you never know, boy. You never know. Comes midnight, mama's about to fucking fist fight a pumpkin, you know? Mama, dude, come midnight.

You know what I'm saying? If these glass fighting boots don't fit, I'm a fucking, I'm a shoulder pest. I'm a shoulder press, a squash, a squash. I mean, I'm a shoulder press, a squash, a squash, squash, squash, not a squash. Uh, that would be interesting though. Walt Disney, Walt Disney to think up all of that and make something come true. Yeah. It's interesting to think man you know it's fascinating it's just to

have some of your dreams start to come true man you know even this weekend dude honestly like you know I got to have my name my name was on the I'm surprised they even had a thing on this theater, but my name was out there on it, on that marquee.

And that was pretty cool. My name's never been on that marquee before. So to have that was pretty cool. You know, just to see it, it's not, and it didn't make me feel like I'm great. It just made me feel, it just made me feel some pride. It just made me feel some pride. It made me feel like... You go so long with your name being... Here's the thing.

In the beginning, your name is in some shady places. I remember writing my name in a bathroom wall. I remember I'd go to the club a couple weeks in advance or months in advance. I'd write, hey, I'm going to be performing here on these dates. Just graffiti the fucking toilet wall. I remember I'd go to the club a couple weeks in advance or months in advance and I'd write, hey, I'm going to be performing here on these dates and just graffiti the fucking toilet wall, telling people to come out. Dude, I remember doing a show up in North Dakota or South Dakota one time, whichever one of those has Mount Rushmore. I think they keep moving it back and forth, honestly, so I wish these Dakotas would figure out where they want those fancy heads at. honestly so i wish these dakotas would figure out where they want those fucking those fancy heads at but they had a parrot in there in the bar dude this was three years ago maybe two

they had a parrot dude i went to this show they had probably nine people showed up um one of the guys at my opener was a beautiful Native American gentleman. And he ran a weekly night called Custer's Last Stand Up. So that's awesome as hell, I think. And they had a parrot in this bar. They had a parrot, a real parrot, one you see, you know, on the Froot Loops or something. You know, and he was on a parrot stand in the bar. And you could talk to him if you wanted to.

The only thing it had a sign that said you can't call him names. And, man, it's so funny. You say you can't call something names, and immediately that's what people want to do. And, dude, I swear to God, bruh, right in the middle of the show, man, one person to go to the bathroom. So that's about 14% of the audience got up, walked by that parrot. And you heard the dude who was walking by, call it a bitch. And that parrot lost his bird brain. And then the bartenders got upset.

They threw the man out. The bartenders got upset. They threw the man out. 14% of the audience out on the street just because he couldn't. He just couldn't. He couldn't recognize that sign. You can't call a parrot a bitch. That's the only rule they had in the joint. There's something about us, man, as humans.

You tell us we can't, we want to do it. And it's the same thing you tell us we can't. Like even in something as small as, oh, you can't call the parrot a bitch. And I'll be damned if I ain't slipping by to take a whizzer and I'm going to drop that haymatch on that parrot. But also, they tell you you can't achieve your goals or your dreams, and you'll try to do that. games and you'll try to do that. You know, it's just funny. It's that it's almost like, how do we start to find a way to stack the deck against ourselves in order to better our chances to achieve? Because some of us work better from behind the eight ball. You know, I work best when my feet are to the fire, son. I work best when I, I work best out of uncomfort.

You know, I think it's one of the reasons why I don't like to... You know, I get worried about feeling... You know, I get worried about... I get worried about feeling confident in myself sometimes. Or I get worried about... Not confident. I get worried about feeling uh it's not confident i get worried about um feeling that maybe proud of myself or something or feeling because i'm worried if i just that that'll kill my drive or something.

You know, if I start to, if I start to think that I'm doing well, then I'm afraid that I'll lose my ambition, my drive, you know? I think there's, I don't know what that is. I'll have to think more about that. Let's take another call that came in. A dinner guest, lunch guest, actually.

Hey, Theo. It's Evan here. What's up, Evan? Thanks for calling, brother. Canada. Ooh, these Canucks, boy. They coming in hot. I'm telling you, man.

Build that wall to the north, boy. These icebacks are rolling through. I'm joking. You guys are. Welcome. You are welcome. Legally, you are welcome here. Onward.

In Ontario, Toronto, who would I have lunch with from the past? I'm intrigued about your answer because you're coming from a Canadian perspective. So I'd like to hear this Canadian perspective. Homeward. It's a good one. Fuck, I'd have lunch with Christ and be like, bruh, what's up?

How'd it all go down? Is this shit real in this book or was it fucking changed? Well, first of all, brother, you're sounding really American. You're definitely easing down from Canada into Detroit all of a sudden. You've crossed country lines because you're starting to use some real profanity around Christ. Even hypothetically, you don't want to be dropping.

You just dropped a couple of F-bombs even considering meeting up with that big C-dog. You know, that's a good question. Let's hear a little bit more of your thoughts on it. Only a miracle. You know, it's funny, man. I think about this a lot, you know. You know, out here in Los Angeles in some of this industry and stuff that I'm in, it's not a rejection against Christ, but there's definitely, you know, religion isn't super welcome.

People want to be offended or people want, you know, there's this vibe out here sometimes I feel like, oh, you're going to offend. Oh, you can't have, you know, there's something weird about faith, you know, or in some areas people are like thoughts and prayers. That kind of feeling like that. But man, I feel like faith is just such a healing thing for people. Yeah, I feel alone.

I feel hitchhiking. When I, you know, if I don't have some kind of a faith. And I, you know, as I even talk about this. I realize that my faith isn't very strong right now. And that it can really be tightened up. But yeah. To feel. I mean having faith. That's a free parent.

You get a free parent. Man I'm not thinking I'm out here in this world, this is all for me, this is all on my back, that I have no point, that I don't have an umbilical cord to some sort of being. Now, Jesus Christ, man, that was the most popular guy in my area growing up. I think the dude is a great role model.

I think he could be the son of God. I think a lot. I think, you know, his brother could be who's a little chubby guy, that positive baby, that little fruit, that bad boy eating fruits in the diaper. Buddha, maybe Buddha's his brother and mother nature is their sister and yin and yang are their Asian cousins. And you got this one big, beautiful family of people that. When we feel alone. We don't have to. Or when we feel like we're not part of something that we don't have to. I can't.

And look, I know some people out there are atheists and stuff and they don't want to believe in anything and that's, you know, and I just, I can't understand. I can't understand it. But I also come from a place where I think I've felt alone a lot. And so if you're telling me that there is a free person, there's a free being, a free So if you're telling me that there is a free being, a free body, a free parent, a free love, a free heart out there in the universe that will help me not feel alone, man, come on. That's a lottery ticket that I don't have to scratch, man. I'll take that all day. I'll take that all day.

I'll take that all day because I want to be a part of something bigger. I don't want to be a part of just myself. You know? And I want to leave here and I want to feel something again. I want to feel something again even if it's just the feeling of your spirit touching the spirit of your parents

or of your grandparents or of your sister or of one of your ancestors. Or somebody else's. Just a feeling of your spirit bumping into somebody else's in another world that's safe and normal. And comfortable. Maybe not even normal. Some new normal. I don't know. I'll take that chance, man.

Fuck, I'd love to be a ghost, bro. Dude, could you imagine if we get to be ghosts? It's going to be so much fun. Imagine being ghosts. You eat, everything you eat just falls right onto the floor. I would love that. I think Jesus Christ would be a great guest. I think he'd be great to talk to.

I think that'd be a nice person to sit down and have lunch with. You know, I think it's a great role model. You know, I don't want to not have any faith, man. I feel like it's odd. I don't want to not have any faith, man. I feel like it's odd. I don't want to not have any. And now I'm open to figuring out where that faith lies. You know, one thing that was interesting for me was when I started to travel and go to other countries

and see that other people believed in different deities and different gods. It was not fair to me to then think, oh, well, none of these people go to heaven or none of these people go to an afterlife or only my God is the only one. But you got to believe in something good. I ain't accepting any of these cats

believing in the dark arts. You know, that thinking all the treasures right here on earth, that's tricky, man. It just seems cold. And look, I'm open to learn. But for me, the way that religion has always been most comfortable in my life, in my environment when I grew up,

was Catholicism or Baptists, you know, Presbyterians. Dude, I thought Presbyterians were honestly lesbians. I didn't know. I mixed it up when I was young. Dude, and I would hear those bells ring and I would, you know, I'd be like, dang, they got a lot of ladies heading over there. A lot of ladies, boy. Going to be packing into that building.

Because I thought Presbyterians were, you know, straight up lesbians. But this is different. All right, let's hear more. Hey, Theo, this is Kobe from Rome, New York. Hey, Kobe from Rome, New York. Just wanted to call in and answer the question you had about who I would go to lunch with. And I know you said you didn't really want family members, but I got to say, man, it would be my dad.

He passed away when I was 15 from complications of diabetes. Oh, man. I'm sorry to hear that, dude. I'm sorry to hear that, Cody. I bet he loved you to the end of the world, man. I bet he's still out there loving you. And that's another reason. Now, here's a reason why I need something else out there.

Because it's not, here's why. Here's why. And this makes it not even about me. I'm glad you and I are thinking about this together right now, Cody, because now, why do I want there to be an afterlife? So that your dad can still be alive out there in some regard loving you. That's why. So then, you know what? It's not even about me. It's not even about...

I don't need an afterlife for me now. I don't need there to be a heaven for me. I don't need there to be another realm where our spirits go or find comfort. Now I need there to be one for you. Or not I need, I want there to be one for you so that Cody and his father will get to have some moments again. That you'll get to, you know, feel your father put his hand on the back of your neck right there. There's something magical about that when your dad puts his hand on your neck. It's the same thing I think when you

see dogs, they bite their children by the neck. There's something right in there. That's where those nerves are. Where we connect to our family. And so now I don't need it. You know what? This has all answered so much of my thoughts. Because I don't need it for me. Now it's not even about me. Why do I want to have faith now?

Because I want to have faith to somebody else. This is cool, man. Damn, dude, this is cool. Thank you for calling. Let's hear more. He was a double amputee in a wheelchair. A double amputee in a wheelchair, dude. So he was really, that's like X Games, bro.

Your dad was doing the X Games before maybe it was even realistic, man. Onward. I took care of him a lot. And because of that, I never really got to know him as much as I would want to. Yeah. Yeah, losing your father at that age, man, you're just not old enough. Or my father passed at 16. You're just not old enough to ask.

You're almost old enough to start to really get to know him, to ask him questions that a man would ask. So I'd really like to sit down and have a meal with him. Just kind of, like you were saying, just kind of have him tell me anything, you know, anything from his past, anything that was important to him so I could kind of have that in my life. But, yeah, it would definitely have to be my dad. Yeah, and I'm a long-time listener, first-time caller,

so this is pretty cool, man. All right, thanks, Theo. Thanks for everything you do. Thank you, bud. Thanks for calling in, man. I didn't mean to cut you off, but I appreciate it. Wow, dude. How crazy now. How crazy now. And what a crazy answer we're thinking of. That now I don't need, if somebody's like, oh, do you believe in heaven? Well, I think there could, I'd love for there to be one because I know there are people out there who want to see their loved ones. So if it means that I got to suffer through another lifetime, another experience, then I'm willing to do it. Man, that's cool.

Dude, that's fucking cool, bro. You just helped me think of one of the best answers of, you know, and that's teamwork, dude. That's what we get when we are thinking and feeling together, bro. I'm telling you. And maybe I'm crazy right now and I'm amped up. But now, you know what? I don't, because you know what? Because you know what?

I've been feeling stressed out recently. Because I get nervous sometimes when, you know, putting your voice out there. There's such this vibe out there in the media that you can't have no religion. You can't have a fucking faith. Man, fuck that. Fuck that shit. fuck that shit you know fuck anybody who tries to tell you you need to feel alone

you telling me I can get training wheels on my heart come on, man. I'll take them all day. Now, do I know exactly how I feel in some of that and where I stand and who's the boss and Tony Danza, Jesus Christ, Alibaba, and Jerry Lawler or whatever no I don't

I don't but I'm going to be a part of it while I'm here I'm going to learn while I'm here what do I have to lose and also who cares what I have to lose I'd love for there to be I'd love for there to be, I'd love for there to be a heaven

so that other people can live out their gains, man. Come on. That's cool, bro. Thank you for calling. Let's keep some calls rolling in here, dude. Here we go.

Hey, Theo, what's up? This is Faith out of Pasco, Washington. Hey, Faith out of Pasco, Washington. Here we go. Hey, Theo. What's up? This is Faith out of Pasco, Washington. Hey, Faith out of Pasco, Washington. And this is a call. You know, I'd like to know who's listening to the podcast. And so, Faith is calling in. Thank you, Faith. I'm just over here slicing up some

kielbasa. Oh, you messing around with some kielbasa, huh, Faith? Okay, you out there chirping on that sausage, huh? You out there fucking around with that plaque. Onward. You know, he's listening, and

I'm a caregiver, so I'm taking care of the elderly, and every night, I work night shift every night. Oh, that's beautiful. You know, we have such a, there's a huge epidemic going on right now in America. You know, I was just talking to my mom about this today. I want to, you know, my mom, she married and she married an older man, you know, she's married to him now and

he has Alzheimer's and he was in the war. He was in a couple of wars and, uh, Mr. Charlie and some people, you've seen him on my Instagram story, and there's a video on YouTube. And I'll share it this week on Twitter about my family, where you can get to see my family and what they're like. And Mr. Charlie's in there, and he was in a war. And he got his trigger finger pretty bad, and he wears these mittens. You know, he wears these, you know, adult mittens. But my mom has to take care of me as alzheimer's you know and they don't have any money they don't have any uh any income and they have some you know my mother works but

it's not a lot of income uh and that also reminds me dude there's a man that's been taking advantage of my mom making her work and not paying her fairly, I don't think. So we might've called that motherfucker this week. That makes me mad. Sorry. But anyhow, you know, there's a lot of people out there who are having to take care of their spouse who are struggling. A lot of caregivers and it's a beautiful job.

And a lot of people can't afford the care. A lot of spouses can't afford the care. So my mother can't go do anything. She can't go do anything without Mr. Charlie being there. So she got to go ride her paper route and stuff. She got to have Mr. Charlie, and he got Alzheimer's. He got to be in that shotgun seat. She just got him straddling, and he's just bouncing around.

So he's just straight up having flashbacks and ducking grenades, dodging nades and eating invisible MREs just in his brain, you know, in the same time, they're just trying to, you know, you know, drop off some news on wheels magazines out here to these different gas stations and whatever. And a lot of people, but it's because there's not, you know, there's no, there's no way to get care for them. My mother doesn't make enough money there to pay for somebody to care for them all day. Anyway, a lot of people are dealing with family members with dementia. That's what I'm saying.

It's sweet that you care about these people. Onward. I listen to your podcast. Man, it sure does help my shifts go by a lot faster. The elderly people I take care of, they have Alzheimer's, dementia, so they're not like the usual folks you see walking around. But I'm also an MMA fighter. No, really? Wow!

Oh my gosh, dude, and I'm so excited about Justin Poirier. Boy, that Louisiana bad boy, you know, that crazy crawfish. He's supposed to fight Nate Diaz more. I'm an amateur, so I'm still making my way up there. But hey, man, gotta do what you gotta do to make it to the top, I guess. I also have a daughter and a husband. Wow, so you out there, this is my lady right there. $100 baby right here. That's my girl right there. That $100 baby, you about to get out there and get it on. Put it on them, Cammy. Dude, I will cheer you on.

I want to see, I would love it if you could email me in a video of you whenever you go fight sometime. It's just producer, email producer at Theovan, T-H-E-O-V-O-N.com. I'd love to hear that. That's amazing. Wow. To know that you're out there, you know, just taking care of these dementias during the day and you out there getting demented at night. I love it. That's beautiful. Now, that's a very bright area of the dark arts there,

and I love what you're doing. Thanks for calling in, and thanks for listening to the podcast. Hey, yo, man. I'm calling in to let you know who's listening to your podcast. My name's Matt. Matt G. I'm a welder down here in South Carolina.

I build Caterpillar tractors. Dang, Matt. Well, thank you, dude. Thanks for calling in. I South Carolina. I build Caterpillar tractors. Dang, Matt. Well, thank you, dude. Thanks for calling in. I never ridden on a Caterpillar tractor. I've ridden on a John Deere. You know, I used to work over there, do soybeans and corn and cotton, um, over off the, off the, off the, right off the levee over there and, um, over near Deere Park, uh, Louisiana

and Vidalia. And, uh, and man, I've always had fun had fun on uh on some of those tractors onward Matt hey I work uh 10 hours a day sometimes you know 60 hours a week I've been listening to all kind of podcasts I heard you on the Joe Rogan show yeah man I love Joe Rogan you know I actually got to speak to him on the phone today. I called him, and he answered. And so I was so nervous kind of. But he's like, we talked for a couple minutes. And then he's like, got to go, man, shooting arrows in my backyard.

And it was just like the most Joe Rogan thing that could ever be happening. But he just put a picture up of him and his golden retriever enjoying a run today, the first run they'd been on in like six weeks. And he's an inspiring guy, you know. So I'm glad that you listen to him. We were enjoying a run today, the first run they've been on in like six weeks. He's an inspiring guy, you know. So I'm glad that you listen to him. Let's hear more. Hey, man, I've been listening to you ever since.

I've listened to almost every one of your podcasts in probably about three weeks. Wow, dude. Damn, that's crazy, man. Bro, that's almost as much of my voice as I've heard my whole life just going in my head. Let's hear more. You make me laugh. You keep it upbeat. You keep it out there for the simple, man.

Something for everybody to laugh at. I deal with a bunch of cock sucking and a bunch of politics, a bunch of backstabbing, a bunch of brown nosing. Oh, thanks, Matt. You know, it's, uh, you know, you're so right about some of this. It's like if we don't define our lane, what is my lane? What is Matt's lane? You go to work. You want to be, you know, how, you know, you are you happy? When do you define what your happiness is?

Because people can be out there chasing. Dude, you can chase bullshit all your whole life. You know, you can die with $10 million in the bank and own the whole fucking town. But you don't know all your grandchildren's names. You know, or you don't know. You don't know. You missed your. You know, you missed, you were out of town on a business trip, you know,

when your mother took her last breath. You know, and these aren't things, these aren't threats or anything, but it's like you have to define your lane. Because what do you want to spend, as we start to get older, and especially as we just, as we start to be alive, it's like, what do we want to spend, as we start to get older, and especially as we just, as we start to be alive, it's like, what do we want to spend our time doing? You know, and I love listening to this guy, Gary Varner, Chuck, this weekend,

but some of it's like, man, I want to be business savvy some, and I want to be proactive, but I want to also, I want to be careful, because I don't, you know, I don't want to, I don't want to be a business. I want to be a person. You know what I'm saying?

The Lord didn't put me, or whoever didn't put me down here, you know. Fatty, what's his name? Fruit Fatty with the diaper Buddha. You know, Big Buddha didn't put me down here. You know? Fatty, what's his name? Fruit Fatty with the diaper Buddha. You know, Big Buddha didn't put me down here. You know? Or David. Who are some of these other gods and stuff that they have? Oh, here's one of my favorites.

It's the Indian. Ganesh. The Indian god. Dude, get a cool Ganesh statue. It's like this elephant and it pushes all the obstacles out of your life. Isn't that a cool one? India has some beautiful deities. I mean beautiful.

Beautiful people, man. You want to meet a beautiful culture, it's India. Beautiful culture. But look, man, I appreciate you fucking listening, dude. And look, if shit gets haywire, bro, here's what I say. Snap you up a couple hits of LSD or a little 8-ball and take that fucking forklift for a ride. You know what I'm saying, them big bad brown nosers out there? I say you forklift up one of those fucking Mercedes Benzes or whatever.

You know what I'm saying? And just do some fucking wheelies with that bitch on those forks. Set that, put that thing all the way to the top, boy. Dude, when we used to, what we used to do is when I used to work at a, I used to work at a welding shop, man. I worked outside and we'd have to, you know, it was piping services. We'd have to put, you know, put rubber on these piping, on pipes, fitters, on pipe fittings so it wouldn't corrode each other when the brace went onto the pipe. And my buddy would get high, dude.

And look, I'd be running that forklift. My buddy would get high. And I'd move him up on the pallet to put something up. And then what I would do is I'd go outside and put the pallet all the way to the top. It'd be about 12 feet. And dude, he'd be up there at 12 feet high as fuck. And he'd be so scared, bro. Dude, I said, we're watching him be up there, just scared. Let me down. Let me down, man. I'm telling the boss. What you going to tell the boss? That you high as fuck, bro? That you fucking smoking them giants on the job? Come on.

Come on. Man, thanks for calling, dude. You just made my day, bro. And dude, look, you keep caterpillaring, bro. You keep caterpillaring, man. You build them tractors, dude. You build them things, man. And if I see one, I see a damn caterpillar, I'm going to think of your ass, daddy boy.illaring, man. You build them tractors, dude. You build them things, man. And if I see one, I see a damn Caterpillar, I'm going to think of your ass, daddy boy. Be good, man.

All right. Let's move on to we have the best and worst weekends. And you can hit the hotline and let us know if you had the best or worst weekend. Don't hit us with a regular weekend. Just hit us if it was the greatest weekend or the worst weekend. Let us know why. Try to keep it around a minute. That number is 985-664-9503. And we have our winner for July. Let's hear that thing right now. Yo, Theo. This is Stink from North Carolina. And that's, I thought it was Stink last time. And then I remember I got an email from him and he said, my name's not Stink.

And then I realized, yeah, that would be a crazy name to have, but also be dope, boy. You know what I'm saying? That's my fellow right here, Stink Johnson. Get a fucking nostril hit of your boy, you know? But he's our winner. Let's hear, if you didn't hear what happened on last week, let's hear it. Call him in for a best weekend or worst weekend. I'll let you be the judge. All right, you let me be the judge.

I don't want to stink. Last weekend, went out to the bar on Saturday night, or no, Friday night, and met this girl uh long story short got started talking to her and she was out with some friends and her friends got very drunk and she was there by herself and this girl was nine months pregnant come to find Come to find out, just found out that baby daddy had been cheating on her. And nine months pregnant, that is a person. That's a full term, brother.

So that's two people you're talking to. Let's hear more. It's just one of the people that's still hiding inside of one of the other ones. So that's basically a woman and then also somebody playing hide and go seek so ended up with the world hooking up with her taking her back to my place she stayed the whole weekend with was your place a hospital because that seemed like the kind of place you a nine-month pregnant lady. Homeward. And then Monday, the day after she left, I get a text from her.

She had just popped out that little baby. So I went to visit her at the hospital and said congratulations. Kind of feel like my dick helped do this. Jesus. And you had to take it there at the end. But that's our, look, I don't know if that's the best or worst weekend,

but I'll tell you this, that man manned up and went to the hospital to see that lady, and we're grateful, Stink. We're going to, we'll be in touch, and we'll send you a prize package, dude. We got some of these Correctional Center blue t-shirts for this past weekend, and we'll send you one of those. Thanks so much for being a part of things, brother. We appreciate it. We got another, someone that called in with the best or worst weekend.

Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Stephanie down in Daytona Beach, Florida. I just wanted to call and say thank you for encouraging people to swim around in their feelings, because that's hard to do sometimes. You're welcome. Thank you for calling and saying thank you. And I know you don't get a lot of female callers because, well, I listen to your show.

But anyway, I wanted to tell you about this wonderful weekend I had this past weekend. My boyfriend of six months took me out for a birthday extravaganza. Oh, nice. Happy belated birthday to you. In Tampa, in Ybor City. And we did a lot of trying out some delicious food we went to the aquarium and uh one night we're out we're bar hopping we're out in front of this bar smoking a cigarette and this homeless guy comes up to us and asks us for a

cigarette and a few dollars because he said he hadn't showered in a month I said hey me too and we had a good laugh about that. And my boyfriend's like, hey, man, we'll buy you a couple beers if you want to hang out for a minute. If this ends in a threesome, this is going to be, this might be back-to-back the craziest months ever. Onward. We ended up doing that, shared some cigarettes and beers with this guy.

And then we ended up taking this guy to a place called Hamburger Mary's. I don't know if you know what that is. Yeah, I do. It's a homoerotic hamburger spot where you can get meat and men. Onward. It's a drag queen bar. We took this big dude, me and my boyfriend down there. And he's such a generous man. He goes and gets like $20 in ones for all three of us to hand out to the drag queens while they're doing their performance. And drag queens are dancing on us, and we're dancing on them and just having a real magical time. And I just appreciated my boyfriend for taking me out and showing me and this homeless guy a great weekend. I love that.

I love that story. You know, one time I had – thank you for calling with that. And that is a great weekend. And that's your boyfriend treating you well. And I like hearing about that. You know, it's nice to treat somebody that you love well. And it probably made him feel really good to do that. You know, there was a, I got invited to Loyola Marymount to be a judge on their Loyola Idol.

Loyola Marymount Idol. And it was like their American Idol contest at school. And at the last minute, they called me and said, Theo, can you bring two extra judges? And I'm like, fuck, come on. Where am I going to get these boys there? And then suddenly an idea just popped into my head. Get in there!

And I stopped by the park i stopped by the uh park off of um wilshire boulevard in los angeles in lincoln and i picked up a couple of vagrants you know a couple local vagrants bro one dude was mid-piss when i fucking walked up to him dude and i respect that you know there was a couple rich people playing tennis right there on some fancy court, and this dude's straight up fucking watering plants right next to him like a straight up fucking G, bro. So anyway, I took two homeless gentlemen,

you know, without homes, sans casas, and took those dudes to Loyola Marymount. So there's like 800 students sitting there, and you know, there's like 12 students that are gonna perform, and there's like 12 students that are going to perform. And the curtains open, and suddenly there's me and two gentlemen without homes, homeless gentlemen, and we're the judges. And we are the judges for this whole contest. So these dudes went from being in a park.

They got in my car. We drove there. I got paid. I think I got paid $300. I broke them each off $40. But what a crazy day for those guys, you know, uh, what a crazy day for those guys. So some of that kind of stuff is fun. We had another call that came in. Let's hear it. Hey Theo, listening to your last, uh, episode, man, you got me thinking about the church van, man. Oh, yeah, that's a very wily vehicle.

Shoot. I was in a church van that was part of the church van. You know, part of the church. Dude, the back seat, man, that was for, like, the goth kids. Oh, back seat, y'all was gothing, huh? Them god goths, you know what I'm saying? You know, a lot of them goth kids, they look like they've been eating charcoal and shit with their eyes. Jerking off That was a real thing man Got me thinking of that time when I was younger

You know sitting there with my neighbor and, like, my younger brother. And we were in, like, the fifth, the fourth row. And the goth kids were in the fifth behind us jerking off. That's America right there, brother. If you don't have a couple goth kids in the seat behind you, J.O. and son, are you living life? That's what I want to know. Are you living life? Let's take another call here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Grace calling from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hey, Grace. Thanks for calling. I was just there.

So hopefully you enjoy it. And I was just wondering, I actually work at a church. And so if you want to come this Sunday, let me know. I actually work at a church, and so if you want to come this Sunday, let me know. Oh, I'm sorry. I just heard this call just now. But thank you very much for the invite, Omward. I know that you love your nieces and nephews and that you're close to your family, so I'm just curious about how that is as a professional comedian.

And I know you believe in a higher power, but I know you said that you just kind of believe Jesus is a good guy, so I'm just curious. And maybe your brother's not a pastor at a Christian church. Maybe that's an assumption. But anyways, just curious. Thank you for the call. And it's so funny that this call, and I was just talking about some of this stuff because I haven't heard any of the calls that came in until now.

Producer Nick was listening to them this week. Yeah, no, my nieces and nephews and my family members go to church, and they love it. They go down there in Baton Rouge. One of the things that I see when I go down there with them and spend time is that it's just a fun thing. A lot of times some religion gets bad name. You know, these far right, you know, people that are,

you know, to the point of judgment. That's where it gets scary is when there's too much judgment. But hell, we're all judgmental and it's all a battle, you know. But it's, i just like seeing i remember doing fun stuff when i was a kid when i'll go to the church and eating big donuts in there and you know having old people kind of touch you on the cheek and say things to you and they look they kind of scared you a little bit but you had fun and you run around with your friends and wearing, you know, church clothes and being snazzy. And sometimes you sneak on a little bit of Old Spice from your daddy or something and put a little bit of Old Spice on your neck.

You know, or do something fun or just, I don't know. I remember being as a young child, it was a nice chance to see people on the weekend. Sometimes you don't get to see people on the weekend, and then suddenly you got to see your friends and good food and people being together. Man, I don't see anything wrong with that at all. But thank you so much for that invite, and I'm sorry that I didn't get to this email earlier. I had to fly out early this morning.

I flew back to Los Angeles, so I didn't get a chance to check it out. Let's take one more call here, guys. I got to get out of here. I got to go to an AA meeting in just a little bit, but let's take another call right here. Here we go. Theo, what's up, homie? Oh, man, this is Dylan in South Carolina. I had a crazy weekend. Not so crazy, but for me, it's out of the ordinary. Thanks for calling, Dylan. So this might be in our This Past Best or Worst Weekend contest. Let's hear what happened onward. Had a loss of life in my family about two years ago. Settlement just came out.

Lawyer called me. Actually wanted to come to the house and talk to me. Came on over and dropped that knowledge of 98 grand coming my way. Ooh, man. And that wasn't a sound effect, man. I got an email at the same time. I hope that lawyer was hitting me up, dude. I might be in that settlement.

Wow, that's interesting, man. 98 grand, that's a lot of money. Dude, that's that straight-up big hitter. That's like a damn leprechaun just fell asleep in your house, and all the bullion in his pockets just rolled out onto your floorboards. Let's hear more. I got about 60 days to think about what I'm doing with myself, and I know that it's not often you get this kind of opportunity in life.

I'm 33, four kids, married. Wow, what a blessing, then. That money could be really helpful. A bunch of chickens and a couple of goats. You know, I'm loving life, man. But, man, I just don't know. Like, what do you do with that kind of paper? How do you turn that into something?

I don't want to work until I'm old and crusty and rusty. Busted and shit. How do you do something with that, man? What would you do with that? Theo, let us know what you would just do if you was a regular fella. I don't know where you're sitting now, but what if you're sitting on 98 grand and didn't know what to do with yourself? Well, I'll tell you this. I do not have 98 grand. What would I do with myself if I had, well, if somebody just said you had that money, I would buy a piece of real estate. I would buy some type of maybe rental property if you want to deal with that kind of stuff. Now, here's the thing.

People always talk about rental property, flip this, you make so much money. It's a lot of responsibility as well. You can also have a lot of responsibility to do. Finding tenants, all that kind of stuff. Suddenly you're a landlord. You're not just a rental property owner. You are also a landlord, and that is another job. Man, what would I do with that money? Now, if I had four children, I'm sure the filter that I'd be thinking through would be divided by four.

That's for sure. You know, I would probably, if I had four children, I bet I'd set aside a little, maybe five grand for each kid that they don't know about and that they're not allowed to tell the other kids about once they get it. Maybe once they all hit 18, they would all get the money at once because if you give it to one of them, then the other ones are going to be expecting it

and they're going to be making decisions based on the fact that they're going to be getting that money at some point in their life. So I'll maybe do that. And then, I don't know. You want to plan ahead? You know what? This might go right back to the Gary Vaynerchuk. Gary V.

You know, he might know better. Maybe I would check out some of his videos. Because he seems to have a better semblance of what it's like. You know? That Gary Vaynerchuk to get in there and see what he would do. If you came into a hundred grand, I already came in at, yeah, if you came into a hundred grand, what would you do with it? What would you do? You had four children. You don't want to work forever. I would buy some Amazon stock. Dude, that's what I would do. I would buy some Amazon stock. I think Amazon's going to own half the world. I would buy some Amazon stock. But outside of that, I don't know what I would do with it. But if you seem like you're doing comfortable, you have some chickens and goats.

You don't want to do something, or I don't think, I wouldn't want to do something that would affect my lifestyle immediately that I wouldn't be able to adapt into comfortably. Because then if it didn't stay that way, I might be upset, you know, and I might, you know, you don't want to, you don't want to get too comfortable, you know. One of my friends told me a long time ago, they say, yes, if you come into somebody, you don't want to buy the nice car. You don't want to get too comfortable. One of my friends told me a long time ago, he said, if you come into somebody, you don't want to buy the nice car.

You don't want to buy the nice car. I don't know. Let's put that to our listeners. If you came in at 98 grand right now, what would you do? What would you suggest this man does? He's got four children. You heard his scenario.

He got a couple chickens, a couple goats. I tell you this. I know them chickens and goats are going to live a little bit longer. They're going to live high on the hog a little bit because they ain't going to be dinner soon. You got 98 grand. What would you do?

What would you do, man? That's a great question. We can leave out on that. We had some other great calls that came in. I want to thank everybody that came out last weekend. I appreciate it. In Minneapolis. That's it, man.

You know, I'm tired. I'm going to get. And I'm going to go settle down. I'm going to get some rest tonight. And I'm just grateful that. I'm grateful we got to do this for another weekend. I'm grateful we got to do this for another weekend. I'm grateful we got to do this for another week. I'm grateful to have these people out there that are enjoying what we're doing here.

We're creating like a curiosity, I think. And it's exciting. It's exciting for me to show up here each week and see what you guys are up to. Thank you for hitting the hotline. Thank you for listening to show up here each week and see what you guys are up to. Thank you for hitting the hotline. Thank you for listening to this episode. And I will see you guys, and I'll see you guys here next week. Be good to yourselves. You probably deserve it, man.

You probably do. I'm going to try to be good to myself tonight and get some rest. And here we have Brooks Daugherty again. Again. Memphis is 200 miles away Memphis is 200 miles away Memphis is 200 miles So I just sit and laugh and smile

Memphis is where that old evil woman stayed She had a chip on her shoulder since the day she left her home. She thought her daddy didn't love her. She was born to roam. She made her mama cry a river and she didn't give a damn. That's about the time I left her. Cause that's the fool I am She had a man that died Who was on his way to jail Thought she needed someone different To drag with her to hell She played my heart just like a guitar

And she didn't skip a beat Now I thank the Lord above She's so far away from me Because Memphis is 200 miles away memphis 200 miles away memphis 200 miles so i just sit and laugh and smile memphis is where that old evil woman stays This is where that old evil woman stays. Memphis, you're a hundred miles away. Thank you guys so much, man.

Love you guys. I'll see you next week. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great.

Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.