This Past Weekend - How to be a man at Christmas | This Past Weekend #61

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

New 'ONWARD' Tee Shirts avail at https://www.theovon.com/store https://www.livetree.com Thanks Sherb for your mastering. Thanks Kevin Best, Bobby Small, and Jaystarr Fulfillment for them shirt. Two tickets to the GUNT SHOW! Gunt Squad: Matthew Snow Renee Nicol Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Open Mind 101 Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Monica Hynes Matt Eckenrode Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick Milo J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, man. We're growing up. I mean, we're really, we're really growing up. That's a nice one, huh? That's a nice one right there. Oh, holy night. That's a good one right there. And that is, uh, Oh, holy night. That's a beautiful song right there. And, uh, it is by Johannes Borloff, born, born love Johannes Borloff. Born. Bornloff. Johannes Bornloff. And he's coming to us live from another country. Not live, but he was live at one point. Johannes Born sounds dead, like he might actually be deceased these days. Merry almost Christmas. Happy holidays. Whatever you celebrate.

I hope you got a little bit of joy in you. That's oh holy night right there. And I think they're talking about the night of our dear Savior's birth. That's what they're going into there. And I think that's just that night where that baby shows up. Where that baby shows up. And that baby, they're talking about the dang Lord. They're talking about that mulligan. They're talking about humanity's mulligan.

When God was like, dang, this ain't going so hot. I'm going to send somebody, a trooper. I'm going to send my little super trooper down there to shake it up. Shake it up. And that's when we got the Lord. And he showed up as a baby. You know? The Lord showed up as a dang baby.

And people don't think about that sometimes. You know, because if I go into battle, if I'm going out there to get things done. You know what I'm saying? Heck, if I even go outside and it's raining, I need an umbrella. If it's going to be dusty, I need to have special goggles. You know, if I'm going into a scary area, I might take a bow and arrow or take a little hatchet. But to think that the Lord showed up out here,

he showed up out here as a baby to do battle. And that's sneaky and that's beautiful. And that's one thing that I think sometimes about when you get into these stories of into these religious tales and you hear them and they're all kind of like they're all fables if you will

and I'm not saying that I'm not commenting on religion here. They're all stories. That, fables, if you will. And I'm not saying that, you know, I'm not commenting on religion here. They're all stories. That's what I'm saying. They're all stories. They're all histories that are meant to teach us something. You know, no matter what book you're reading the story in. Or no book at all. But I do believe you're out there running freelance without any higher power in your life, good luck

out there. Okay? Because you're trying to work an iPhone without a charger cable, as far as I'm concerned. But it is interesting when you think about that the Lord showed up as a dang baby to do battle. Dude, that's the last

thing I would do. It just doesn't seem, it's, you know, well, first of all, nobody expects it. So it's crafty. That's crafty. But you're just so, you don't have any real,

I mean, your special skills are crying, you know, cuteness, you know, you know, making noises, cute noises. That's like your, basically your noises, cute noises. That's like basically your superpower is cute noises and burping. I mean, that was the Lord's superpowers when he showed up as a baby. And that's just brave, I think.

I think it's brave to show up and do battle. To take away the sins of the wild as a dang baby. You know, Spider-Man was Peter Parker. You know, Clark Kent. You know, at least Superman, he started off, he worked at a newspaper. But the law showed up and said, you know what?

Send me in as a baby and I'm still going to get the job done. So I got to say world's most successful baby or entrepreneur as a human, the Lord. And it's that time of year, man. And that's what they're talking about, that O Holy Night.

And it's just about, you know, how you show up. How do you show up? And this holiday season, that's what I'm thinking about. You know, it's been a tough year. You know, it's been a tough year. For me, it's been a tough year, I feel like, to be a man. You know, we've discussed that over the year, and we've all thought about it.

We've had a lot of callers. And it's been tough, and I'm tried. Constantly, I'm tried. I'm tried by my own ego. I'm tried by the world. I'm tried by others. ego. I'm tried by the world. I'm tried by others. Everything tries me, you know. Tries to get me to step outside of my goodness.

You know, try to get me to step outside and be reaching out in the dark arts. You know, and reaching in the, you know, I'm supposed to just be at the fridge to get a sip of milk. But next thing you know, I'm in the cheese drawer. And I got a knife and I'm cutting little pieces of cheese into my mouth or I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing. And that's what I find a lot of times is that it's hard for me to stay in, stay in my zone, stay in my manhood and just toe the line. It's tough. It's tough out there. It is tough out there.

And to show up as a baby and to toe the line, I think, you know, that's pretty cool. And it's a powerful story. You know, and also to be born out there in the desert, man. I mean, that's crazy. I mean, I know good and well. Have you seen a baby out in Arizona, dude? You go out there to, out towards Bisbee, Arizona? Out there towards, outside of Glendale, where it hits 130.

Do you see a baby out there look like a damn lizard? I mean, they got babies out there weigh four or five pounds and they're probably about nine months old. You know, you got a lot of babies that look like smokers. They look like they've been smoking cigarettes. And they're, you know, scaly. You know what I'm saying? You got a little bit of, you know, they got that lizard in them.

They got long tongues. I mean, it's hard to be a baby in a desert. Because you need milk. They barely have anything you can even get milk out of in a desert. You know? And it's that time of year though it's that oh holy night and i like hearing that one on christmas eve and on christmas time and you know and i picture myself you know doing something romantic you know honestly and

and that's why i guess what i'm i'm about right now. I'm thinking about holidays are this week. You know, I just got to get through this week. And how am I going to show up as a man and do what I got to do? You know, because I need to. I need to be there if I got a family. I need to be there, you know. I got to treat my spouse or my significant other with some respect. One thing you can definitely do is, I notice if you get your ladies a gift, don't use the same

wrapping paper that you use for the children's stuff. Dude, get your girl something nice. Get her some nice paper or something sentimental. Wrap it in maybe her favorite shirt or your favorite shirt. Tape it up. Just use different things than you use for the children's stuff. Show her that you did that little bit extra. Or if you date in a man, if you got a man, that's a lover. You know, if you're in love with someone that's just like you, which I think is, that's the only thing that sometimes about homosexuality, it's a little bit ego, it's a little bit egotistical,

you know? Oh yeah, I think I'm such a great man, I'm going to love another man. That's the part sometimes to me. But you got to show up this year as a man. And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get out there, you know? And let my small breasts out. These baby A cups I got. You know?

It's tough out there. It's tough. But you got to spend a little bit of time with your lady maybe take a walk with her hold her hand tickle her when was the last time you tickled your lady or your husband snuck up in the kitchen and tickle that motherfucker boy get the giggles out that bitch make them bubble at the fucking mouth. You tickle them and love them. Just you fucking shake them, boy. I remember this thick boy one time. I think I've told this story. Started tickling me early in the morning in a hot tub one time on a cruise ship. And

I'm trying to keep him off and his body was all hot. You know, he had them kind of kid tits on him. He was thick, thick boy, Midwestern boy. You know, I'm talking South Iowa boy. You know what I'm saying? Where the gristle don't miss you. And, uh, and he had that, he had that, just that gunt up under his chin. You know, he had that neck belly, that Nelly, you know, and he, um, or that Threlly, maybe that throat belly. He had that Threlly and I had to, I had to grab him by that Threlly and keep him off of me. But because he was in the warm water in the hot tub, he was getting handprints and stuff

all from me defending myself because this boy was tickling me, which I think is shady to be tickling somebody you don't know. which I think is shady to be tickling somebody you don't know. You tickle a loved one or you tickle a kid at a party, where you tickle an old man if they're sleeping on a plane or something and you're trying to liven them up. But you don't just tickle an adult if you're a kid unless you're trying to, I think, get that money. I think in hindsight, this boy was trying to get me to get Randy with him. So then it looks like I'm trying to, you know, be weird around children. You know, next thing you know, he shows up, he gets out of the hot tub. He's got my handprints

all over him from defending myself. And next thing you know, I'm guilty. I'm guilty. Look, because it obviously looks like I've been touching him. Because his body holds a lot of handprints because he got that, you know, that gristle, that hot. When you got a little bit of meat on you and a little bit of thickness, when it heats up, you can leave handprints on it. And that's just a trial that I went through. And that was last year. But, yeah, it's time to show up and be a man. So you just got to do something special with your lady. You got to tickle her, you know, touch her neck, you know, touch her ears, man.

You know, touch it. But when's the last time you touched your lady's ears or your husband, if you got a little husband? You know, it's time. It's that time of year to show up like a man. Maybe do a little bit of recommitment to your loved one. Or tell your kid you love them again. Because I've never had a child, dude, but I've been around some children. And sometimes it's hit or miss.

You know, I was with a group the other day and there was a man who, you know, admitted that he hadn't really loved his, he had never really loved his son because his son didn't really, wasn't really the way that he wanted his son to be. And that shook me down. I never even had a child, but it's just crazy. It's just a heavy thought to think that that kind of stuff goes on out there and there's nothing we can do about it. Sometimes just the way we are, we just have to manage it. If we got an infection and we got an affliction

and we got a little bit of the dark arts, you know, we got that fancy nasty just nipping at our neck. If that fancy nasty monster is nipping at your neck, sometimes you just have to just shake it off. And you got to stand there and do whatever man have to do and be a man. You know, that's where I'm at. But I wish everybody a happy holiday season.

You know, be that baby, show up and be that wild baby. I mean, you know what I'm saying? Jesus Christmas was a beautiful baby. I mean, that baby showed up in the desert. Had a couple of old dudes walked out to the middle of the desert to meet a baby. Now, 100% illegal to do that. 100% illegal. In fact, it's a TV show now.

Hell, if you're an old man even going to meet a 14-year-old for some lemonade or whatever, they bust you. So the fact that three old men were cruising out into the desert to meet a child, that's a crime now. That's wild to think that what is the story of one of the most popular religions is now a crime. And they got sheep there and animals. You can't have children around livestock. I know in some states there's some legal issues about that if you're trying to transport them across state lines and stuff. So who knows? Who knows? But I think if the Lord ever come back, it's going to be through an alien or how else could he come back? Maybe portal wishing well. I don't know. He could fly out of Elon Musk's nutsack I bet

who knows how he could come back but it's nice to think it's exciting and it's exciting and that's what we got to do this holiday season as fellas we got to stay in there and stay excited you got to show up get up get active don't be thinking don't be begrudging go to your mother-in-law's

before you get there it's not the same old visit this isn't the same visit you went last week. This isn't the same visit you went two weeks ago. This is a special morning. You got to make it special. Make it special for your spouse. Make it special for your children. Your animal.

Put a jingle bell on your animal. If you got a special animal, put a couple jingle bells on his ass. You know what I'm saying? Show up and do what you have to do as a man you're gonna make mistakes dude i made a mistake earlier i had a uh you know i've always run out of gas in my life and with automobile i'll run out of automobile gas and most automobiles run on gas dude and and i'd love to have one of the future cars that do not, where they're running on electricity. Or some of them are just running on good ideas.

Or just, I don't know, they got some of them out here. Some of these little coasters, you know. Looks like somebody got a little coffee filter on wheels out here. And that thing looks like it's running on a couple of dudes dry humping in the trunk. I don't know how those things are running. What energy those are running on. But you want to, oh, but so I've run out of gas a lot in my life, ever since I was a child.

I didn't know that people didn't run out of gas. You know, a lot of times I would see people on the side of the road, and I always thought, oh, they ran out of gas, you know. And I'd run out of gas, you know, I ran out of gas you know i ran out of gas probably about 20 25 times before i knew uh i told a buddy of mine and this was in college it's like damn man i called him like i ran out of gas man he's like what i was like yeah i'm out man fresh out you know and he said what the fuck you're fresh out of gas so yeah you know the car only holds so much. Most of the car is empty space. You know, the trunk, they could put gas in there, but they don't.

And he's like, you're a fucking idiot, bro. And anyway, he came and picked me up. But it was wild because at that point, he's realizing that I'm realizing that a lot of people don't run out of gas that much. But yeah, I ran out a ton. I remember one time we ran out at a summer camp and I had a bunch of the kids help me push the car and everybody's parents got upset. And I blamed it on a friend of mine and I think he actually got laid off. But he also was throwing rocks at some of the children. He said it was like a game they were playing, but I don't think that's you know, it's not a fun idea to be throwing rocks at other people's kids.

Especially not from close up. That's dangerous. But I have a little cafe here. I'm sitting here. And I'll tell you one thing. I'm going to tell you about how I spilled gasoline in my trunk. But first I'm going to tell you about that gray block pizza. And we're so grateful to our charter sponsor, that gray block pizza. And we're always, we're so grateful to our charter sponsor, that gray block pizza. And that's at

1811 Pico Boulevard here in Los Angeles when you're on your way to the beach. You know what I'm saying? Before you even get there, open your mouth. Walk inside. Look at the menu. Look the order person in the eyes. Tell them to fill you up. Get that hitter.

Gray block pizza the link will be in our notes here for the episode and they got beautiful pies over there and that's Italian full time food that's 24-7 pizza some food you can't be like that now and laters

when do you eat them? it's hard to decide you have one in the morning you're a fucking creep you have a couple maybe in the morning? You are a fucking creep. You have a couple maybe in the afternoon. Nobody eats now and later at midnight. Some food you can't have all the time. But pizza is that.

Grey Block provides it. I ran out of gas, right? So I decided I'm going to get a can of gas and put it in the trunk of my car. Because I ran out of gas twice this year. So I decided I'm going to put a can of gas and put it in the trunk of my car because I've ran out of gas twice this year. So I decided I'm going to put a can of gas in the trunk of my car. I put it in there and I guess the thing wasn't all the way locked in on the top, the top. So I've been driving around for two days, man. I opened that thing up today.

I started smelling gasoline. I opened that up. Boy, that trunk is ready. That trunk is ready for something. You know, that trunk is ready to do a little 911. You know, a 912. That thing is ready. Look, I'll sell that to an angry Saudi Arabian.

I bet I'll sell that car to an angry Saudi Arabian for top dollar. Because that thing is, it's wilding out. So I'm going to leave the trunk open while I'm out of town over the holidays because I'm going back to Louisiana tomorrow.

I'm going to leave the trunk open and let some of that gasoline get out of there because I probably spilled, there's probably at least a half gallon that got bounced around in that trunk. But yeah, I didn't realize a lot of people don't run out of gas. And you know what? I'm still going to do stuff like that.

I'm still, that doesn't make me not a man if I do that kind of thing. You know, if you run out of gas with your family this time of year, that's fine. You know, y'all be cute. Put on hats. Get out there. Hitchhike. Anybody would pick up a beautiful family and some hats. That's easy.

That's an easy one. But still, show up. Be a man. Be who you are. Be a man. Do what you have to do. And sometimes you got to admit when you're wrong. You know, and last week I talked about

a caller called in and I had who had brought a date to the show. It was a first date. And he called in a long time ago. It was a long time ago. And I had his girlfriend hit me up over, you know, some social media or something. Or no, they'd gotten my number. His girlfriend hit me up.

Or the date hit the date. Not the girlfriend hit me up. And, you know, she offered some sensuality. And I took it. I agreed to it. You know, I knew it was wrong. I knew that I'd met these people. I hung out with them.

And the next thing you know, I'm out there trying to cultivate this lady. And I felt bad about it. We had some calls that came in about it. Some of our listeners weren't happy. I'm going to comment on that in a second. But here's a guy who called in. He called in a couple of times as he heard the episode from last week. He called in a few times.

Here it is. Fucking serious, dude. I just had to turn the podcast off because I think you just lost a fan, man. This is Joe from Pittsburgh and I just heard you talking about how you fucked this dude's girlfriend. Knowingly, you knew exactly what the situation was. You went out with

these people. You went to the bar. You hung out. And you went behind this dude's back and you fucked this girl and you said it wasn't even a good time. Dang, man. Hearing you say it like that, Joe, is you making me feel like a child. You really are making me feel like a child.

I was childish behavior. You know? I was childish behavior. Homeward. So basically it wasn't even worth it. Theo, you got me so heated I had to call back and leave a second message

this is his second call Joe called three times and I just can't stop thinking about the story you just told about fucking this guy's girlfriend and he keeps using the word fucking and look I appreciate you calling Joe and I'm playing this because I want to

hear what you guys think I want to hear what you guys thoughts are and I want to know and I'm playing this because I want to hear what you guys think. I want to hear what you guys' thoughts are, and I want to know. And I don't want to shy away from what's going on with me. But also, you say fucking a lot, buddy. And I wouldn't call what I do in the bed always fucking, you know? I would definitely call it, you know, sporting around with my dick or cock or entertaining a vagina. But definitely fucking is something I feel like a brother does or a real hearty Italian. Or those really skinny Polish dudes on the internet. Them dudes.

My God, man. They look like they're powered by hydroelectricity. They just got that one pump just going. But that's not what I do, boy. I'm that shifty grifter when it comes down to being involved with the body parts. I wouldn't call sex my expertise at all. I'm a novice fucker. I've been in there.

I've been out in them cooter streets. I've been out in them cooter streets and them booty byways. But I'm definitely a novice. It's just not my finest attribute. My sexual abilities. Now sometimes I'll get out there and you know what I'm saying. Sometimes they think not my finest attribute my sexual abilities now sometimes I'll get out there and you know what I'm saying sometimes they order they think they're getting that miyagi and I'll hit them in the cuda with that karate kid you know with that cock karate hi yeah

but let's hear more Joe but the fucking you're making me feel like you're almost giving me too much credit onward I can't maybe she wasn't his girlfriend, but they were obviously together. They were out together. You knew it. You know, men are supposed to be hunters. I can't imagine that you can't go out and find your own chick. It's kind of like walking into somebody else's house and shooting their cat instead of just going out into the jungle and hunting a real tiger. I don't know if it's like that,

but let's hear more. All right, Theo. Had some time to cool down. Still a little upset. Still going to be a fan. Once the tiny sandhill hit me, I knew I had to call back and just let you know that I still don't approve.

Well, I appreciate that, Joe. I do appreciate your call. You know, and the thing is, like, I thought, you know, for a while it didn't put that call on. But then I just felt like I had to. You know, if I'm going to talk about, if I'm going to expect callers to call in

about real stuff that's going on in their lives and I'm going to put some of their lives, not on blast, but on, you know, if we're putting shit out there, I'm going to put shit out there. You know, I feel like what is our life if we're not really sharing what's really going on or trying our best to share what's really going on? Dude, trust me. I'm just trying my best to share. You know, there's some stuff that, you know,

I don't know if I'll ever be able to get out of my mouth or get out of my heart or get out of my brain. You know, there's some stuff that's inside of me that I don't even know what it is. You know, so I'm just going to do the best to articulate what I can in the meantime. And I might, you know, there's going to be a lot of stuff I'll probably do wrong.

And this is the thing that I did wrong. You know, I hooked up with this dude's girl that he brought to the show. That's fucked up, man. It's douchebag, it's douchebag stuff. Like imagine I go to one of, I take a girl to a dude's show and I take a girl to a dude's show and next thing you know, you know, I find out later. Then I go on a second date with her and I find out she hooked up with the dude whose show I took her to.

Man. Yeah. So, I mean, sometimes we need other people to show us what our behavior is and to really give us a look. And so I just commend that guy for calling in originally and for, you know, and for telling, and for, you know, putting me in my place because the next time that that opportunity presents itself, I'm not going to present myself to that opportunity. You know, and I've made, you know, I've made,

look, dude, I've had some addictive behaviors when it's come to women in the past, for sure. And I still struggle with it today. I remember a time I was living with this fella, and he used to train. Well, he didn't train cats, but he would smoke some marijuana. And I would smoke some, but I didn't like smoking marijuana with this boy, Mr. Ken. His name was Mr. Ken, and he actually did some karate. And he had some cats, and he had these two cats that already lived with him.

And then I moved in and took the second bedroom. So I don't have any say in the cats. I can't move in and be like, oh oh what are these cats doing here living with us because the cats already lived there they were his cats he was a cat owner which is how that's even a real term in the universe cat owner yeah for now dude till mother nature fucking strikes back. And they got lions eating fucking, you know. They got lions, you know, just chomping down on the spines of the, you know, of whites and Koreans out on the streets. Out on the streets of Memphis and streets of anywhere. Then we'll see who's a cat owner. You know, because Mother Nature's about to fucking fuck everybody up.

But anyhow, Mr. Kim would get high, and he would make me come out in the living room. He'd have all these empty boxes stacked up, and the cats would climb up and get in the boxes. I guess one of them was kind of a show cat, and the other one was just kind of a secondary cat that seemed a little bit supportive of the first cat and would do some of the same type of... Mr. Kim called them tricks. I didn't think they were tricks. You know, watching a cat when I'm high or two cats get into a box.

That shit's fucking stupid to me. But I guess I, you know, I felt a little scared of Ken because this dude would do karate in the house. We were both adults, man. We were 30. So when you're doing karate in the house and you know y'all just just met you know there's definitely there's something going on there you know that's

that fucking that's when somebody's nipping you know that's when somebody's catching a little bit of the you know they might have a little bit of you know they might have the damn they might have a you know something loose in their spine or something and their brain stem might not be on 100 you know they might have some of that

ape glue or whatever it's called keeping their brain stem locked into their spine but he so anyway I'd have to watch these cats get high and whatever bullshit but yeah that's what I'm talking about man fuck I forgot what I was even talking about just now I'd have to watch these cats get high and whatever bullshit.

But yeah, that's what I'm talking about, man. Fuck, I forgot what I was even talking about just now. Mother Nature, I was talking about the cats. I was talking about... I had that roommate, Ken. And that fellow who... Oh, you said it's like a tiger. It's like a cat, man. Yeah.

I don't think it's like going into somebody's house and shooting a cat. You know, I think it's just that. Oh, oh, I was telling you this. So Ken, Mr. Ken, the dude who I lived with, one time I was moving out. I'm moving out of the place, right? And nobody had come to see in the apartment. I'm showing the room. He's been advertising it because his name is on the lease.

So I'm showing it. And this hot chick comes over. And she told, I showed the room and I started flirting with her, man, because I couldn't help myself. You know, sometimes I just cannot help myself. And Ken told me, oh, I ended up getting her number. And Ken told me she left. He's like getting her number. And Ken told me she left. He's like, man, she's really interested in the place. She seemed really cool.

Do not, don't hook up with this girl, man. Do not hook up with this girl. And I said, okay, Ken, I won't. I promise that I won't, man. And then a few hours later, whatever, she and I are texting. I invite her out to, we went and did something or whatever. Then she came back to the place with me, the room she was considering renting, and we made love.

You know, we made second, you know, we made first degree or second degree love. Because I don't, like I told you, man, I don't shift into high gears when it comes to sex, boy. You know what I'm saying? I'm that artful. I got that artful idol. I got that attack idol. But I don't have that third and fourth gear. You know what I'm saying? You might find me strutting out in second.

But you're not going to see me in third or fourth. You know? But, yeah. I ended up banging this young lady. You know? And Kim was pissed. Kim was pissed, man. And I think actually she ended up giving me the, whatever the, whatever the one is you got to get salt pills or whatever to get rid of.

It's an infection in your wiener. But it's something that you can get cured real easy. Penicillin cures it. They don't really have it anymore, but it used to be popular back in the day and she and i split a case of that but yeah you know it's uh it's obviously been something i've struggled with in the past and i think it's just that i'm i have to you know i feel guilty i don't know i don't i just have to i need some attention. You know, there's something inside of me that's broken or something that needs some attention.

And I need it from women, I guess. And sometimes I make poor choices because of that, because of that inside of me. But, you know, it's gotten less and less over the years, and it's something that I'm aware of now. But I'm far from perfect. But I'm going to put my stuff out there on this cast, especially if I'm going to expect you guys to do the same. So I appreciate your call, Joe. I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations,

but I promise you that I probably won't live up to them again, man. I really probably won't. So let's keep it cruising right here. We got a rap that came in. I haven't heard it yet. We're going to hear it for the first time together. Here's a rap that came in about last week's episode. My favorite comedian's name is Theo Vaughn.

I always be laughing whenever he go on. I download the episode as soon as it drops and hear that celebrate living baby right from the top. This past weekend was amazing. He got so hungry that he almost ate an Asian. He go to Denny's even though he fucking hates it because he always sees a beard on his waitress. You got a

problem with his hair, you should save it. He knows it sucks. He's just trying to make a statement. He used to jerk himself a lot. He used to spank it. His brother tried to touch his dick under a blanket. Yeah, and that was, he's just trying to make a statement. He used to jerk himself a lot. He used to spank it. His brother tried to touch his dick under a blanket. Yeah, and that was, I think that was during one of the holiday seasons. Onward. He wishes that his neck was

just a bit longer. Takes his date to his show. He might dong her. Ooh. Ooh. This is Jay Savage coming in with this. And I haven't heard this yet. You know, the guys we got helping out now pulled this out of the hotline and put it out for me. And there's more. Let's go.

But yeah, let's apologize, because that's the dark arts. Like people calling in and saying that they eat farts. Drug-induced gay sex at a rest stop, but they ain't resting they aggressively in just that. Wow, he popping off about the rest areas. And we used to shoot potatoes that they used to have gay men meeting up behind the rest areas and hugging when I was growing up. And some people used to shoot potatoes at him. And we got involved in that one time accidentally. People was kind of like a local pyramid scheme.

And, you know, we didn't know what was going on. We were just children onward. My dude Theo is a hamster expert, a guinea pig prodigy. He's really smart. You would think he had a law degree. Someone should give his ass a PhD in mockery. He talks about his feelings and that really means a lot to me. Plus, he's been in bed with fucking Joan Rivers.

Coming to the stage is a stone cold killer. So go ahead and drop his ass a couple billers on Patreon. Because there ain't nobody realer. Theo. Gray Block. Jay Savage. Hitta. What up Tiny Sandu? Holla at your boy.

Wow. That's awesome, Jay. I appreciate that. That's Jay Savage coming in here. Wow. Man, that covered, I felt like my whole life. You know when your mother, I don't know if some of you guys had this, and this is a blessing. My mother made a baby book for me when I was young. You know, my mother, we've never been really close in our hearts, I don't think. But my mother, when I look back,

she made this baby book for me. Sometimes when I feel really disconnected, I'll go read it. If I just need proof sometimes that my mother cared about me when I was a kid. And I can ask her. She'll say yes, of course. But sometimes I need,

I don't know, something's wrong with me sometimes and I need more. I need more than that. And so I'll go read this baby book. And my mother was very meticulous at writing down, you know, little pieces of my life and things and stuff like that. And it makes me feel a little more whole. Just everything. Like, you know, Theo was, you know, 27 inches today. And he doesn't, he likes to touch his feet.

Or, you know, he will chew on the edge of his shirt. And he smiles when I turn on the light in the room. Or little things like that that just, you know, made me, when I look back on it, I know that she was very aware of me. And you might think, well, that's stupid. Of course your mother was aware of you. You were a child. But, you know, sometimes when you struggle with addiction and those sorts of things, there's something inside of you that's broken right around that area where you don't feel that all the time. And if you don't feel that all the time, then you need reinforcement, which is why people like me go to different groups or seek out therapy, stuff like that. But Jay, what I'm getting to, Jay, is that this was almost like that a little bit, man.

This was fun and this was real, and I really appreciate it. I got a lot of nice calls this week. People just saying thank you and people saying they love the podcast and, you know, people giving some ideas of what we can do for the new year. And we got things going on behind the scenes here. We got things, you know, gray blocks coming in and supporting us and helping us get to, you know, we're expanding. We're going to be able to get some guests in for the second episode each week. And we have some fun ideas. We're starting to implement them. We've had fans reach out with, you know, I've had about eight producers that reached out.

Bud Galloway, Chris, you know, Shy Chris. And he's a Latino. And, you know, it's just we got people on helping out now. And it's coming along. And this is awesome, Jay. Thank you. Because I know you obviously spent some time doing this. And we'll go out on it again maybe at the end today. If not, I'll put this up separately on the YouTube so people can check it out. But thank you for that, Jay.

It's just nice. You went through it. It was real. We talked about the highs and the lows in there, some things that make me feel good and some things that make me just feel. And sometimes for me, it's just about feeling. If I can feel, I just need to feel.

It doesn't matter if it's something that feels. There were times in my life where I just needed to be mean. I needed to, you know, I needed to, there are times where I just need to feel like people love me immediately. You know, I need to feel the affections of women. I need to feel like everybody's my friend. I need to feel supported. I mean, fuck, I have a disease where I need to be on stage. You know, being a stand-up comedian is an affliction.

Being a stand-up comedian is an affliction. I have to go into a room with a couple hundred people that I do not know every night, and I need them to laugh at me so I can go home and lay in bed and feel okay. People are always like, you must feel on top of the world. There's about four or five seconds when I get off stage where I feel in my body a, it's not a superpower, but it's an elevated. I feel elevated within my skin and my spirit. But then after that, I just feel okay. I just feel okay, which is all I'm ever just trying to feel anyway.

You know, I'm not even in this world a lot of times to try and feel good. My biggest battle and the toughest thing for me to feel in this world is just to have been to feel okay. But you guys are helping me. And I appreciate that, Jay Savage. We got another call that came in right here. I want to get to us just keeping the vibe going here on this Christmas and showing up like men. And here's a man showing up right now and asking for some help with something that's going on with him. Let's go.

Hey, Theo. This is Matt from Cleveland. You said to call maybe if you had some addictions you were dealing with. And my addiction is a little strange. You know, I'm a big guy and I just have a really bad food addiction. Are you on that food?

You're that calorie power boy, huh? Let's hear more. Really bad food. And you'd think it would be as simple as just, you know, not eating bad food. But I genuinely do not like healthy food at all. I don't like salads. I don't like any of that stuff. I don't really like plain water.

Plain water. That's just water. plain water. That's just water. So I was wondering just, you know, maybe what your advice is for someone who is having

a hard time, you know, trying to eat and be healthy in their life when the stuff that, you know, is better for them

is just not very appealing. Okay, this is a good, and this is a good question. You know what I'll do with this? I'll do for you, this won't be until January because I'm going home and I'll do an episode from home. But I'm going to have other callers call in who might know more about this.

I know we have some fitness guys out there who are in that universe. And this is something that we all struggle with. Do we all want that snack? You know, we all want that piece of nast-nast up under our tongue. We all want that snack. You know, we all want that piece of nast nast up under our tongue. You know, if you're telling me if I could set a, I mean, look, even if you tell me if I could set a celery stick on top of my tongue or two hits of acid under it, I'll take two hits of acid. You know, I used to eat acid.

So I know, look, you're talking to a man who's got some rough eating habits. So I feel you. If you'd rather have a hot dog or a foot-long dog, you know, or you'd rather have a little stack of grilled turkey necks or some grilled cheeses, or you're just fucking waking up in the middle of the night and cracking open a can of soup from the side and just getting that hitter, you know, that's your life, man. But you're reaching out now because you want to see how can I evolve out of this. I'm going to tell you first of all, I mean, if you have a real addiction to it, then there's groups.

There's a group somewhere you can get into for food addiction. You know, Snackers Anonymous, you know, Chocoholics. us, you know, chocoholics, you know, people that's fucking, you know, hiding grilled cheeses and, you know, cheesy sticks in their ass. Some people don't even want to eat. They just put the food right in their ass, bruh. So there's all types of people out there that have problems. So that's okay. It's okay to have a problem.

You're trying to get past it. You're trying to figure it out. And I think a 12-step program could really help you. But otherwise, maybe some people out there know. So some guys hit the hotline, you know, 985-664-9503. Matt likes to eat the shit. You know, and I feel you, dude. You don't think I want to fuck.

Look, I'll say this all the time. I don't want to eat that turkey salad. I don't want to eat that turkey salad. I don't want to eat that tuna fish cut sandwich. You know, I don't want to get the, you know, when I go to Wendy's. You know, I don't want to get the salad and get a burger but throw the bun out and break the meat up and put it on the salad. You know, I want to get the fucking chili, bro. And I want to get the fucking chili bro and I want to pull you know we used to try to do the whole thing of chili in one big gulp

and burn our throats you know playing hot canal me and my brother and his friend Jeremiah we used to play hot canal and that's when you get that chili from Wendy's pinch your nose off and just take that thing take that douse, boy.

But you can't do that shit at a certain point. You got to start taking care of yourself. So how do you do that? You got to find some substitutions. You got to find things that entice you about eating healthy. But look, man, I say this all the time. I'd love to go lay in the park and shoot dope. I'd love to be jacked up on heroin

you know and babysitting I'd love to get a damn 8 ball and sit in a hammock and take a fucking nap take that impossible nap because I'll be that impossible napper boy I'll be that fucking nap MacGyver people like you can't sleep on this you can't sleep on this 8 ball you can't sleep on this. You can't sleep on this eight ball.

You can't sleep on this acid. Watch me. Watch me work. Watch me catch these Z's. You know, but what I'm saying to you is I can't do that. Because we have to aim to better ourselves somewhat. And I know that's why you're calling. And I don't really have the answer for you.

Except that I know that's why you're calling. And I don't really have the answer for you. Except that I know it's possible. And you're going to have to find some ways to do it. I would start with fruits, man. Vegetables, fucking. I don't like a lot of vegetables. But I would start with fruits. Juicing stuff. Juicing is good.

You know, getting some carrots. You can put peanut butter on any vegetable and it's pretty good. Except for, you know, just peanut butter and spinach. Not that great. But let's see if some callers come in. I'll call for you, Matt, and I appreciate you calling, man, because that's a real addiction food. You know, I want to be that fucking sugar bear. You know, I want to fucking lay on my back and spread my asshole open and have somebody pour fucking honey in it.

You know, I have a sweet tooth, man. I got sweet teeth in my ass, it seems like. I want them sugar donuts. You know, I want them snacky breads. I want all of that. I want that powerful fucking cinnamon glaze. I'll let somebody take a can of fucking creme brulee paint and paint the inside of my mouth with that shit. I want that sugar. I want that affl mouth with that shit. I want that sugar.

I want that affliction. I want it all, but I have to do something better for myself. And you can too. And you will. And let's see if we can help. We'll have people hit the hotline. Alright guys, I appreciate you guys calling. This is just a follow-up episode

from last week and I appreciate it. And I just want to say Merry Christmas to everybody. Happy Holidays to everybody. Be a man. Show up. That's all you got to do. You don't have to do anything crazy. You just have to show up. You just have to show up. Be of service. Help out. Help out.

Help somebody. Hug somebody extra. Bring two extra hugs to every party you go to and hug a motherfucker. You know my thing. Hug somebody that don't like you. That's my thing. Get it on video. Send it in to me. And I'll make sure to post that thing. Hashtag

hug somebody that hates you. But I want to thank everybody. Oh, I got a couple of Christmas gifts. I want to tell you about them really quick. So I got one came in. I already opened it up. And I opened it on the Patreon, man. And these are the kind of things you get to see on the Patreon.

I opened it up on there and I talked more about it. But I just thought it was so nice. I wanted to tell about it on here. And it said, hey Theo, what's up cat daddy? I'm glad this could actually become full circle. I'm a huge fan of comedy podcasts and listen to them as I do my side gig here and make these candles. And this man is a candle man. A lot of y'all might think men make candles.

Yeah, men out there making fucking candles. Why? Because they won't let us be warlords anymore. Because they won't let us throw axes at our neighbors anymore and shoot people with archery so this man made these beautiful candles and this he asked me what kind i wanted i wanted root beer because my mother used to give me root beer candies sometimes when we would go on road trips and she used to sell cookies and i would go along with her and sell cookies and she'd give me root beer candies to keep me off of the cookies but But this one called the Reverend Avery Brewing. These are out of Boulder, Colorado.

And I like these. He goes, I hope you enjoy. Be good to yourself because you probably deserve it. And thank you for this candle. It's a root beer candle. I'm going to keep it on my desk here. Thank you very much. As well, what else did I get?

Oh, I got a really cool pillow and I got a book too. A book came in from my boy Chris. So who's helping out on the Sunday night episodes. And that's it, guys. I appreciate you guys calling. I love you. We'll get into some more calls. A lot of them came in.

We'll get into some of them on Monday. But thank you guys for listening to this past weekend. On the way out, I'm going to take us out with... Do you want to hear the rap again? Or do we want that Chris... I don't know what to do. I'll let... What do we do?

I think we go out with the sounds that we came in with. And no offense to you, Jay Savage. I'll put the rap up separately in a separate clip. And this is Oh Holy Night. The piano for Epidemic Sounds. From Epidemic Sounds. But before we go I got to also tell you that. And this is the truth man.

A lot of movies they're not good. A lot of sequels, remakes they keep doing it. It's ineffective. You know they want you know sleeping with the enemy nine. And nobody's even sleeping together anymore. It's just two people just jerking each other off somewhere. And they're not even enemies, they're friends. That's how bad some of these sequels have gotten. And there's other ones too. Pig, Babe, Babe, Pig in the City. Nothing now. It's Babe. The last one was Babe, Bacon for Sale. And that's the whole series. It's like the fifth installment of the series.

But I'm just saying a lot of movies are bad. And it's because it's just so hard to get anything made these days. Especially with all these molesters working in the industry. And all these sex deviants. But things have changed now. Because now you can go to LiveTree.com. And you can become an investor. And you can pick who produces, who stars

in, who casts and what the plot lines are. You can have a say in what is actually created and have a piece of the back end. That means that you can invest. It's almost like fantasy football but for film. You can invest in what you see on the silver screen and you can own

a piece of it and have some return. Have some actual return on your investment. It's like outsourcing movies to the universe. Go check it out, LiveTree.com. Thank you guys again. Go to TheoVaughn.com slash store. We got some new Onward shirts that are up there. I got a couple of dates right here.

I'm going to be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California, and that's January 11th through the 14th. January 18th through the 20th, I'll be at Jacksonville, Florida at the New Comedy Club. February 16th and 17th, I'll be in La Jolla, California at the La Jolla Comedy Store, 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then also in early April, April 6th and 7th, I'll be in Tampa, and that's going to be at Rock Brothers Brewery. Those tickets are not, none of those tickets are for sale yet on my website, but they will be here within the next few days. Happy holidays to you. Thank you guys so much.

I love you. Be good to yourselves. You deserve it, man. We all deserve it. You know, be that baby. Show up and be that beautiful, charming baby. But be a man. Know that you're going to become a man.

Know that you're going to make a difference. Be it all. You can be it all. You just have to do it for one day. Just Christmas. Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks!

Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! Læs merks! I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Lovetje Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Easy deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.