This Past Weekend - Jay Mohr | This Past Weekend #84

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

First guest in the new studio. Jay Mohr comes in. He is a rubix cube in a windstorm. New chairs. New angles of chatting with people. Theo is uncomfortable. Nick is in the producer seat. Onward. Music: Stevie Starlight "Come Over" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbfQri3Nv3M Greyblock Pizza: https://www.greyblockpizza.com Starflow: Celebrities at their Realest: https://starflow.com Follow Jay Mohr on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jaymohr37/?hl=en Night in Guntsablanca! Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Stephanie Claire Steve Corlew Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Ben Limes Alexis Caniglia Stoody Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk megan Wrynn Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Ken Melvin Ray Stacy Lorell Loretta Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's kick it off. Let's go. That's it. That's it. That's that hitter. You know who that is baby. That's that stevie starlight. There you go. You know who that is, baby. That's that Stevie Starlight. There you go. There you go, girl. There you go, big dog. Put on an extra scarf. Put on an extra scarf.

Put on an extra scarf. We getting naughty. We are getting naughty. Thank you guys for being here this past Thursday. This is an episode that is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach. You know, get that hitter. I also want

to let you know that, hey, did you know this past weekend is now available on Spotify? Spotify is making it easy for you to stream this podcast and many others like it on your mobile device, desktop app, and smart speaker. Open the app on mobile or desktop, click on the Browse channel, and then click on the Podcast section. Take me with you wherever you go thanks to Spotify.

Play me for the children. Thanks to Spotify. Play me for the children. Leave me in a room on speaker and put your grandmother in there or your senior citizen grandfather in there in a wheelchair. And put me on the speaker next to him and let him get that vibe. Because we're out here slinging this vibe. Real, real quick, we're about to get into the episode. And I want to thank you guys for being here with me.

We have Nick Davis is in studio today. Nick. What's up, Theo? theo how are you i'm really well man i want to thank you so much uh in addition to uh chris perez who isn't here today but who's helping produce um you're here today and uh and we got our first guest in hell yeah jay moore i know and you've worked with jay before you've been in studio with him before yeah yeah over at, over at the Adam Carolla show. He was a fan favorite there. Brings characters and a great pod. Yeah, he's a wild animal, man, and I'm so excited we're going to get to him in just a second.

And thank you for being here with us, Nick. I want to let you guys know there's a couple of upcoming dates. April 6th and 7th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at The Attic at Rock Brothers Brewing. And that's almost sold out. April 20th and 21st, I'll be in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey at Bananas. Or Bananas, as they say in Spanish. June 15th and 16th at Yuck Yucks

up there in Calgary, Canada. So if you're Canadian, get out there, boy. And July 6th through the 8th at Levity Live in Oxnard. And I'm so grateful you guys would be here. All tickets are available at theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R. And we'll be launching that dark arts tour very soon here, as soon as we get this dang website put together.

But we have Jay Moore in today. I'm excited, and I'm so grateful for you guys for being here with me. And have I not been talking to this the whole time, Nick? I feel bad. I think they know you're talking to them. They're all right. Okay. All right, guys.

I just want to thank you so much. We're going to go now. We just recorded the episode with Jay and then I did this part after, to be honest with you. And we had Jay Moore in. And this is our first guest. We had Uneven Steven a while back, that gentleman I met at the DMV. And he came in here with some issues. Boy, he had that, you know, I mean, his eyeballs was just in the dead sea.

He was out there on that fire water. And then we had another gentleman, you know, Mr. Roger Rod. But this is our first real guest in the studio here. And welcome. And we're happy to have Mr. Jay Moore. Look at these pipes, kiddo. Let's go in. Oh, yeah.

And you're Irish, huh? Irish, German, Scottish. So you might not make it. Might not make it? Let me tell you something, man. There's a plane crash i'm walking out and i'm not gonna be like that asshole leonard skinner that got shot at somebody's front door yeah that's one of the best stories that nobody tells what happened so he so uh we're

here with uh with jay moore hi we're live thank you guys for joining us um so leonard skinner died uh he did not die but the band a bunch of members died there was a plane crash yeah skinner and a couple dudes died one guy survived he had like a broken pelvis broken back broken legs and he walked to like a farmhouse like there's like clockwork orange there's been a horrible accident and the guy opened the door and shot him wow and he died that way just so he survived all the way to the door yeah that's i would be uh like i'd show up at the gate swinging if that's i'd be like you mother hey i just fucking survived the plane are you fucking kidding me little buckshot all through my body like you get shot in the chest with buckshot it's

in your legs like it's everywhere from the inside yeah i think that's the kind of thing i bet it right when you get shot by it i bet you start to itch because it's... Yeah, that hot burn. We're talking specifically gunshot, right? Yeah. 22, a guy like you would blink off. A 22, yeah, you could shake off. 22, you could still drive to the CVS and get what your wife needs. Unless it was the Mossad, then they'd put it up your butt. What is that?

The Israeli Secret Service. Uh-uh. They get into bed, like they dress up. Oh, you don't know about Operation Wrath of God? Uh-uh. After the 72 Olympic massacre, Golda Meir, after they told her what happened, the prime minister said, send the boys.

And then the Mossad, the last guy they killed, I think was 1996. From 72, he answered his cell phone. Hello, is this a, you know, whatever. And he goes, yes. Boom. Took his head off with a cell phone. And so the Mossad is like a dark, they're like a dark arts army kind of for Israel.

It's their secret service. They're like Marines? Yeah, but like Netanyahu was one. And like they would literally dress up in burqas, walk around like women for a day and then crawl into bed. And then the husband would come home. They put a 22 in his asshole, pull the trigger six, empty it. And they get back in the book. They be back in israel in like six hours dude that almost makes me some part of that made me like a mildly sexually turned you're holding yeah you are you

are adjusting i don't know what that was but this is theo vaughn here and we're here listen to his podcast yeah and thank you for joining us thank you john ferguson moore we're uh said that like no jan ferguson moore you know you're the first guest that John Ferguson Moore. You said that like, no, John Ferguson Moore, you know. You're the first guest that we've ever had. Why is that? Well, we had one man who had some issues who I met at the DMV one time, but he hasn't, I don't know, he fell off. I can't believe he was available.

Oh, yeah. The dude at the DMV. He came up. He's a hot ticket. He was shining, man. He came shining. It seemed like somebody just, you know, like somebody just hidden electricity in his eyes. Boy, when he showed up, he was pretty bent out.

This man, Steven. I haven't been able to get a hold of him. I've called him a couple times. Then we had another dude. This guy is kind of an older Wigga kind of guy. That was this guy named Roger Rod. I don't know if you know him. He's a comedian.

That's my rap name. Is it really? Wigga. Oh, yeah. I'm debating. I you know him. He's a comedian. That's my rap name. Is it really? Oh, yeah. I'm debating. I go back and forth between Parallel. Oh, that's good. Parallel O'Graham.

Yeah. Because you got to get with the program. What? Actually, by the way, that had no thought other than that moment. I know I want you guys to think my fake rap names. Was Parallel O'Graham? Or was that bad? I was just, you know know off the top of my

dome kid mine honestly dude and this is like i wanted to be white nigga back in the day but and i know that that's kind of a you know i mean now it's like you know i would hope that you're all out of fucks at this point yeah like are you like me theo vaughn i like when a celebrity apologizes you'll ask me like bill maher's apology enraged me really the joke was perfect yeah the joke was perfect structurally contextually and it was in counter to a creepy fucking white guy saying come on down we'll put you to work in the fields yeah and he goes what what did you say we'll put you work in the fields yeah and he goes i'm i'm a house nigger yeah perfect yeah and then twitter gets going and twitter's the death bottom line is hbo goes if you

don't apologize you can say goodbye to whatever million dollars so he does the apology but the thing is fucking who is that apology for he's not a racist yeah it's for hbo oh i think that he's probably just as racist as some people are look i don't think a comedian can really even be racist. This is our tribe. Gays and blacks and women. You're a homophobe. I'm in show business. What are you talking about?

I can't be. I don't think. It's just absurd. But the more you defend it, the more you seem like a guy that's defending what he believes in the opposite. Yeah, it's like you're up against it. You often feel out of here like I'm up against a mountain but i was talking to my friend about this yesterday like there's also this weird vibe that like all gay people are like the friendliest

people a lot of gay dudes that i know even my buddies are assholes yeah so judgmental your outfit's a little matchy matchy you know yeah well that's everybody i mean so we're right it's everybody like that and it's like that in of itself is you and i having a bit of a racist conversation because we're saying that like gay guys do this when it's society when it's everybody society are just fucking dicks okay so then do you think that for some reason then that like first of all lower your fucking voice when you talk to me okay all right do you think that for some reason i then – that I will – like, so based in that, that, like, if everybody's just an asshole – but I guess maybe it's, like, gay guys don't get – it's, like, they get sometimes this pass that they're not assholes just because they're gay.

Like, they get this shield of armor. Maybe. I don't do assumptions, man. Maybe. I'm not airing you out to dry, but maybe. Yeah. But I do know – this is what I know about gay guys. They love the cock.

Yeah. But they don't necessarily need a cock to get what they need. Yeah. They have mouths and mutual masturbation parties and stuff like that. Do they really? I hope so. Where at? I'm going to find out.

We will be there. If it's just mutual masturbation. Dude, that'd be a great movie. Two dudes that go undercover in a gay man's sex house or something. Health crisis. Yeah. No. Yes.

But they have to not get fucked. That's the rule. Now, this would be a good thing for fraternity. For rush. Gay bristers millions. Yes, yes. If you get fucked, you lose all the money if you get fucked

you can do everything but yeah can I blow a guy why would you ever ask me that no I don't know I don't know like in Stripes

when he goes last question it's standard are either one of you homosexuals no like flaming and then Harold Ramis

goes no but we're willing to learn and Bill Murray goes would they send us someplace special for that amazing I haven't seen that movie man like black the stereotypes i think are stereotypes because they're true irish people

are drunk i'm an alcoholic black people don't tip right uh stereotypically though i was a waiter a black couple came at the end of your shift you're like i'm not i'm not staying i'm not gonna chop up pineapple slices for this guy's blended drink. Yeah. And give me a quarter and go, that's for you, my man. Yeah. Now, every friend I have goes, you've been to dinner with me. And they are like incredible tempers, so it's some shit I held on from my past.

Yeah, that's the thing. Sometimes I wonder if they're just things that I hold on to from a long time ago that like, I don't know if they just don't serve me anymore. I don't know. I can't even serve me anymore. I don't know. I can't even tell. I would say none of it serves you or me from a long time ago. We got fucked up in our living rooms. How tall are you?

I'm probably six foot. That's weird that you would say probably. Yeah, but I haven't checked myself in probably 15 years. So you think maybe I had a growth spurt at 32? I have a grandfather who grew two inches in his 50s, in his early 50s. What was he watching? I don't know what he was watching. I mean, he was probably, I don't know what he was doing.

But he grew two inches in his 50s. And here's the crazy part. Oh, you're talking about cop. I thought, yeah. No, I mean in his height. I know. It's like a stupid joke. See, I go really low, and then I kind of come in high.

Different frequencies, man. But this man, he didn't like his wife anymore when he grew taller. How crazy is that? And they were in love before. Did she have female pattern baldness? Serious question. Because that was the first time you could see, like, oh, my God. I don't think so.

Your stupid head, I could look at all the time. But I think from certain angles, certain people are prettier. That's a great point. It makes you think that if the love of your life were a half inch shorter, then you guys might hate each other because you'd be catching that other optic of her. You might be coming in at that hot 46 when you're in love at about a 48. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

I'm 47 years old i've never even entertained or had any notion of this particular conversation congratulations i'm serious like i've never in my life entertained this idea that at a different height you wouldn't be in love with who you're in love with it's really fascinating yeah different angles different optics well they fell out of love i mean it cost him his love of his life you know because it cost i mean you got a new pussy how old how old is he 52 i believe hey i'm 47 yeah i hope you know i'll have cialis i gotta remember the good humor man had that thing would change on his hip like cialis like that dude i took five milligrams when i hit the hit the comedy store last night the shit i got makes my legs sweat. I got some stuff from India right now.

And my pants will be wet about an hour and a half into that pill. Why just your legs? I don't know. That's flushing. That's the side effect. People don't understand what flushing means. It's all the liquid leaves your body

except semen and blood. Oh, really? Yeah, that's why your cheeks get red. Yeah, my lips get hard and I can't talk that good. Because all the moisture leaves. And you get caught in mouth and you just keep pissing and shitting and pissing and shitting like what's going on you're just sitting in a toilet taking a runny dump with a boner you're like i gotta get in there you're like i'm trying to fuck

viagra i prefer cialis because viagra is just like it's too strong it's too strong i can't get a shirt on and off if i viagraan. I like that. It's too intense. So I had Cialis last night. I was on the phone with you on my way to the pharmacy to pick it up. And they go, that'll be $600. And I go, well, I don't have $600. How many pills are in there? Yeah.

So they go, 10. I go, how much for a pill? Yeah. And the pharmacist goes, I'll give you a pill. Oh, really? So I ate it there. And then I went home. Oh, that's crazy.

Like in front of her. And now now i didn't realize how stupid i didn't realize how awful like she hands me the bottle with one pill rattling around yeah and there's any old drug addict no i was like no bueno man i need to pack so it makes no sound as i walk through checkpoint charlie there and i just swallowed it i went home my girlfriend made dinner and then um did you guys have sex after or no? I didn't ejaculate, but it was the longest I've had sex in maybe three years. Wow. Because I have erectile dysfunction. Yeah.

Bad. Oh, I've been through. Look, man. As opposed to good. As Keitel. As opposed to good? Yeah. Is it bad?

As opposed to good? What movie? Oh, I know what that is. William Wallace. That's correct. The movie William... No, it's... What is the movie, Nick?

Do you know it? William Jennings Bryant. Is it Unusual Suspects? No, Harvey Keitel was not in that movie. Oh, where it... It was Reservoir Dogs, where Tim Roth is shot, and then Steve Buscemi goes, holy shit, is it bad?

As opposed to good? Oh. It's hilarious. I don't know that many movies like I'm trying to think some of my favorite movies are Dream Team. Have you seen that?

Maybe. What is it? It's about Alan Klein no what's that guy's name Michael Keaton gets in a mental health facility and then they get out one day.

They get like a leave of absence and they I remember that movie. They steal a van. Christopher Lloyd's in it. Yeah I was going to say it leave of absence i remember that is uh they steal a van christopher lloyd's in it yeah i was gonna say christopher i do remember that that movie was good man michael keaton he uh he did a movie called i think it was called life or my life and when the script came out i was like 24 i obviously wasn't gonna read for his part but they're like this is michaelaton's Oscar and the script it was it's when he finds out he's dying

and he keeps making videos for his wife Nicole Keaton is pregnant and he keeps making videos for the kid and the movie's great and they're just like we don't give a fuck was it heartbreaking? and beautiful it was great

but sometimes people don't get nominated like Robert Duvall every time he opens his mouth you're like he didn't get nominated for get low yeah time to get low yeah like kytel and a bad lieutenant like he calls jesus a rat fuck and a hallucination naked and then he jacks off on like some girl's car that he pulls over like you know you're gonna tell that out give us a cock she's like what hey don't talk back to me i'll'll bring you in. Okay. It's like, what do you got to do to get nominated around here?

Wow. He's punching his clown in traffic. I don't know if it matters. I think it's, yeah, I think it's just, you know, they got these upper echelons out here and you got to get in,

you know, you got to be pulling on somebody's, you got to be pulling on the right skirt out here. There's some people get nominated that we don't even know who they are. And I don't think, first of all, you have to nominate yourself. You know,

like I really, cause I was like, how come I've never been nominated for uh like an emmy and i was on ghost whisperer did you feel like you had a role that was deserving of nomination action this action absolutely i thought that was one of the best shows of all time and it's not like look at me look at me it's what i got to say was so astound and now like prescient it was all like weinstein stuff like salma hayek just slaps me in the face 40 times one episode i'm like you don't remember when i came to town you put your penis in a box and wanted to play puppet show i'm like no that's a medical kid bang bang and uh like that show was great but you have to nominate yourself you have to send money with your packet and then they tell you if you got nominated or not and it's like so that means kelsey grammar

has been nominated in like 12 times and he did it every time you just keep fucking like how much packets in bro relax like we see you you're kelsey grammar relax yeah back off julia louis dreyfus. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I guess, but I guess at a certain point, if you're in that Hollywood thing. I'm glad we're on the show today so we can air this out finally. That's part of it. That's part of it. I got a Grammy nomination, but I had to put it in myself for a comedy album. You have to get a publicist team, and you got to go, fuck it.

They only make, what, 200 albums a year? Or they make 200 albums a year? There's no way. Right. I'm an optimist, and I'm like, well, there's only 200, and I got to think 100 of those are just bullshit. Yeah. So how many people are actually cobbling together the resources

to go check this out? Yeah. And they only pick five. And the year I got nominated was Louis C.K., George Lopez, Lisa Lampanelli, Craig Ferguson. It was like, if I lose,

great, because they're all great. Lisa Lampanelli was on my podcast, More Stories, and she was nominated before and she lost to Flight of the Conchords

and she goes, those motherfuckers. She goes, that album's 16 minutes long. Those crispy kiwi fuckss they're so stupid and dry i go if i lost the flight of the concords i'd be tipping tables over yeah like what you spent three years making a good album and they got a song parody like that's why we don't bathe you're like yeah great i just made that's not their song by the way and if it is they

can have it do you uh i'm getting i'm to get back to this erectile dysfunction thing, man. Because I've struggled in some of that dick work sometimes for me. There's two ways I think you get it. Well, three ways. Mental, self-sabotage, like getting up in your own head, drugs, or being abused. So which one was it for you? I realize I just turned the tables on you. No, it's okay. I like thinking about this stuff because... or being abused. So which one was it for you? I realize I just turned the tables on you.

No, it's okay. You know, I like thinking about this stuff because... I just like thinking about your dick. Well... Breaks up lovely, I heard. Did you use it? Well, you took a Cialis at the comedy store. Oh, I just took it to feel good, man. Your legs get sweaty.

That's not feel good. That's wrestling practice. But my penis also gets kind of like... My penis seemed like it just ate something, you know? Like it just ate Thanksgiving or something, you know? know then you go home and you like jerk off to like porn no i'll lay sometimes i just lay there on my hard dick man and just feel like a champ yeah it's like princess and the pea kind of i like that reference you know it's weird when i watch porn hub or whatever not sponsored i didn't watch any last night i'm like eight days what's that

like oh yeah they don't yell fuck me step daddy they leave the step out thank thankfully well it's almost i think father's day should become stepfather's day it's almost at that point i feel like where the stepfathers don't get any credit and i've always thought that have you ever been a stepfather no but my uh oldest boy he's 15 he's got a stepdad who's tremendous really absolutely fucking tremendous but now at first were were you nervous about when that stepdad kind of shows up? Did you feel like the first time you were going to go meet the guy, did you put on a special shirt or anything like that? I put on, yeah, my comedy shirt. I got Gabriel Iglesias' Hawaiian shirt.

Hawaiian. And I just laughed at all my... No. What's up, Gabe? You know what? Honestly, his mom, being a single mom i i knew i didn't know him but there's just a signal in the noise and i just sort of knew it was a steadying thing and i have a book called no wonder my parents drank and there's a whole chapter about the step parents like the

number one whammy you can throw at a kid and it's it's either the pant the band-aid the panacea the bridge or it's the reason you fucking strip like man like that's it there's only a couple options like clean your fucking room get your shit together asshole you're like i'm 16 who the fuck is this guy that i hear having sex with my mom like i'm gonna kill him and then there's guys that are just steady and great and that's what this guy was and he he is. And he's beautiful. Like my son's, a lot of my son's great qualities are because of this guy. And that's, you got to swallow a lot of fucking pride and self to go, this guy did some hardwiring inside this laptop.

Wow. And he did a good job. Does it make you feel like that that was something you should have done like is there moments where you're like man this or you're just grateful you just find just gratitude like i'm glad it's a good question specific to the situation because i retreat well i get under the porch real quick man and uh i had split custody with his mom it was uh and every time he was with me it's just like when do i go back to my mom when do i go back to my mom and i saw a therapist about it she goes you're battling an umbilical cord you got to give this up like you're battling and he was a parasite she was a host yeah this

goes back this is intergalactic you're fighting the universe that's pearl oyster you can't be can't battle that correct and um one day he got off the bus and it was like the second day i had him and he goes uh when do i go to my mom's i said i could take you right now and he goes okay Correct. And one day he got off the bus and it was like the second day I had him. And he goes, when do I go to my mom's? I said, I could take you right now. And he goes, okay. Like real excited. And then he like reeled it in and goes, I mean, but he already let it out. And I drove him to his mom's and I said, if you miss me, call me.

Okay. But it wasn't the kind, as I'm saying now. Yeah. And I let a year go by. Damn. Because I was like, and that's, you know, I'm an alcohol, I'm in a lot of A's. A, A, N, A, A-hole. Yeah, I'm in there.

And it's like, my alcoholic brain was, let's see how they do without me. And they did just fine without me, which is crippling if you let it cave in on you. So after about a year, I saw him, and it was entirely too long, and that's, you know, essentially like I lost a kid because I lost a kid. When you saw him that first time after that year, like what was that moment? Like that had to be pretty heavy.

Well, I was in an abusive marriage. I'm picking up your accent. Right. I was in an abusive marriage, just a little bit that I did. I'm from, I'm Brian Snipes from Natchitoches. I'm the greatest fucking corner in the league, man. You know, to alabama i thought i was gonna go to lsu but they sent special teams coach to my house man i look like a fucking gunner to you man i'm brian snipes

18 that's what's up nigga i went to alabama you know why nick saban came up that dirt driveway it's 104 degrees you don't like it it's hot as a man and we watching tape my grandmama go would you like some sweet tea coach and he said no thank you i said oh man i strike two man you don't turn out no sweet tea man you know what i'm saying you from there and then check it out dude we watching tape with me and i this dude up man he catch the ball separate the from his shoes take the ball to the house he start fanning himself He go I think I will have

Some of that sweet tea I said shit Give this dude an Oscar man So I had to go to Alabama Just out of respect For that game man Out of respect Shit

But I don't play special teams Ain't that a bitch I don't kick I ain't no kicker man I ain't no special shoes S-H-E-A-U-X Dude not a lot of letters In some of the neighborhoods Down there in Louisiana Nah Y'all need them man Special shoes. S-H-E-A-U-X. Dude, not a lot of letters in some of the neighborhoods down there in Louisiana.

Nah, y'all need them, man. Is it like... Dude, we had a black kid in my town. That boy right there? Quincidence was his name, right? And it was spelled, though, like the word C-O-I-N-C-I-N-D-N-C-E, I think. I'll take your word for it. Yeah. And I was like, oh, Quint?

And he's like, no, no, Quincidence. And I was like Oh Quint And he's like No no Quintidence And I was like Well Any apostrophe We all lose here No I don't think so No we all win

I mean we all win But it was wild man I don't think We had a girl named Kizzy Laurent At my school Used to beat the fuck Out of every dude

Right And she was this tough girl And you know she had White girl Uh uh Uh uh And Creole?

Nope. Or just straight up? I think 100% black. And she used to- I mean, she would beat any dude up. And then now, though, years later, she has like- Her son is like a- He's like one of the top running backs in the whole country.

He's a tough kid. And he seemed like a Swedish kid, too. Covington High School down there in Covington, Louisiana. Man. Why do you think you got... Oh, I don't want to flip it on you again. So I was in a... So no, I want to know about that.

Because that kind of got me. Like I'm imagining like... You keep rubbing your penis. Oh, that's because A, these pants are tight and I'm probably nervous, dude. Why are you nervous? Two friends hanging out talking. You know, I'm not nervous like that. I'm nervous like...

Just staring at your dick. I think just being in a room with two men of this size of a room. Spit it out. That's your dick. I think just being in a room with two men of this size. Spit it out. That's the size of a room and being in a room with two men. You must be great on auditions. You know, I'm not good at all. That was a joke. Oh, yeah.

Dude, I get so fucking nervous, man. I can't even. You ever read David Mamet, True and False? Uh-uh. You need to. It's good. I would never say that unless you needed to. When you go into a...

He wrote Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, Speed the Plow, and a Spanish person. But he goes, he writes, when you walk into an audition, you must know everyone in the room is your moral and intellectual inferior because at some time they had the bravery to do what you're doing and they took the desk. Say the lines as best you can and next time say them better. i was like damn where were you the first 500 auditions david mamat that's robert e lee stuff right there well i like to keep it north of the mason dixon line i

just go with the winner yeah i'm all about the eggles right now yeah are you really well i'm not gonna back a loser like patrick bill belichick sourpuss man yeah i have to stop doing a stupid accent it's insulting to you and your brood oh I don't think it's bad man I mean I had a dude in my neighborhood I just feel like the listeners are like how do you have erectile dysfunction go back

go back go back go back abusive marriage well look man I mean well then get back to the question then here's the thing

the person that I was in the marriage with would never I mean under penalty of perjury and truth serum in their veins, would never think that they were abusive. Right. It's like a passive narcissist in words. But do you, okay, so you can't, but after a while you realize you can't, there's nothing you can do about that, right? I'm sure you tried. Yeah, well, I realized it early that I couldn't do anything about it. And accountability, that's what really makes me crazy. That's a trigger for me like in recovery like people aren't accountable because my program is all about accountability and what i did even you know when i was going through my resentments my

sponsor said like but how are you self-seeking how were you so how were you selfish while you held this resentment for somebody that didn't show up to marriage and i was like i wasn't he goes that's impossible i'm no, you weren't there. And I'm telling you now to your face, I wasn't. Like, I ran myself inside out. But if you knew, if you knew that she wasn't going to be able to meet you at this place you wanted her to meet you at, and you kept trying, then what, you know, not to like but because i could see myself doing that

i had a girlfriend like that what's the question no i like this question don't don't be afraid okay then if you knew that she couldn't meet you there and you kept trying but you knew you knew in that place in your brain that knows it all and is probably right that you knew she couldn't meet you there then at that point isn't there something just kind of ill or sick about continuing to hope that she can yeah there is but i think overriding that is i took vows man i take those vows seriously right till death do us part vows man i take those vows seriously right till death do us part and i waited for me to able to be able to identify there has been a death here death do us part right what we knew died and i discovered the well beneath the well inside of me because i people go like hey you leave no stone unturned i'm like there's no more stones man man. I ground them to dust. They're gone.

There's no stones. You got to try everything. I know. There's three years where every time you go to the bathroom, you're like, this is impossible. Yeah. But it ain't because you're living it. Physically, you get sick. Mentally.

And then you file for divorce. I filed for divorce. And I don't want to get too into it. I had a privacy for her. Yeah. Because I love her. don't want to get too into it, privacy for her. Yeah. Because I love her. I do love her. The opposite of love isn't hate.

It's indifference. I'm nowhere near indifferent to any ex I've ever had, because I go all in. I think we're a lot alike. You love all the way, but then you hurt all the way. And people in this world are very afraid. They like to swim with their hand on the side of the pool, and then when shit doesn't work out, they're like, see that deep.

Told you it's too deep out there. But they don't ever love like you love. I don't know. I think I'm in between because you say that hand on the side of the pool thing. You wouldn't be an addict if you knew the side of the pool. You only live in liminal space and deep water. You're a great white shark, man. You couldn't be an addict if you got your hand on the side of the pool.

Yeah. You're fucking Daryl's strawberry story yeah doing blowing you know how fucking brave you got to be to just have that night and just go fuck it fuck it there's like 18 fuck it's that put you further into the dragon's lair and all this fucking love in it man that's right miss and that's where you get that love is in the deep water healthy or unhealthy when you're having sex and you make that connection that's so goddamn deep yeah that's the connection that ain't that's not the greatest pussy you ever had that's the greatest pussy combined with somebody looking you in your eye and saying like fuck me daddy and they're like not incestuous yeah like you will protect me you have the answers i won't eat till you fucking get home wow like that's deep shit like that's deep water that's a brave woman or like when you hurt you hurt all the way like i've had depression where i didn't get out of bed i pissed my own bed my dog

shit in my bed i didn't give a fuck but then my phone vibrated it was one of the coaches i you know i assistant coach wrestling and the coach at a previous school goes i need to start practice today and i'm like all right bang out of bed it saved me so the erectile dysfunction was for me when you're married to somebody that's uber sexual and a fucking bardo knockout no one's hotter on earth period to this day like that lady had it all for you if i'm watching porn i jack off i want if my mind wanders and i think about her i'm like oh god my buddy used to jerk off then mail it to his ex-wife for like a year and a half i respect that what would he put it on like a slide so she could look at it on her microscope no he just put it on some paper and but then she just gets paper but she knows though that's one of my favorite but she knows well you start to know at a certain

point the first time you get it i think you could think it's snot or something or somebody you know had a snail in there and then they took it out but then that second or third time you're like this is is he down in like louisiana like in that mailbox and he oh i can't imagine up like the ad for the sea monkeys come out the kids on a bike there's a guy wearing a crown but you said like she knows you said it like Louisiana style like the same sentence in Jersey she knows

she knows she knows she knows so you know they're very similar a lot of times people will say a Louisiana accent if you have like a real strong

you know like where you at you know that stuff that sounds like New Jersey a lot of times I don't believe you've ever heard that in your life

yeah a bunch of times people will be like are you from New Jersey I think maybe those people stand too close to the oven or yeah those people I don't believe you've ever heard that in your life. Yeah. A bunch of times people will be like, are you from New Jersey? I think maybe those people stand too close to the oven. Yeah, those people might be bad off. Look, I may not be the tallest hyena at the World Atlas.

I got obsessed last night because of one of your stand-up things I was watching. You said, I'm not the brightest bull in the bowl drawer. Oh, yeah. And I realized that. I looked at my girlfriend. I go, that's what i want to do with theo because you can literally do anything make no sense but no matter what it is the person knows exactly what you're saying yeah i'm not the softest couch on the fishing rod but you know like literally anything works yeah dude i'm not i'm yeah i'm not the most crippled guy at the fucking, at the carnival.

It's hard to actually come up with nonsense. It is, isn't it? Like, Reggie Watts, you watch and you're like, oh, wow. All he does is talk nonsense. Like, try to talk nonsense. You get the sentence through a million dollars. You run short. Harlan Williams does it extremely well, man.

Yes, but he has the luxury of doing it again. Yeah. And again. Like, let's has the luxury of doing it again. Yeah. And again, like, let's go watch Peggy surf, put a kayak in the toilet upside down and go for a ride. I got a pet squirrel on my head with shampoo bottles. You know, that's his bag. Anytime he texts, he'll be like, okay, Benedict Arnold. Oh, God.

How you been, buddy? I'm okay. I had a paper bag on my head at the gas station but it turns out it was gout I fucking love you Harlan

so in my marriage he is a joyous guy yeah so you had the marriage so you got the marriage and I love this kind of stuff because I'm afraid to get into

afraid period is no that doesn't serve you at all yeah afraid like you're a comic you're one of the best comics I've seen in my life yeah thanks man ever I've been doing it for one of you guys no you are good and you gotta

you gotta let the good and you gotta realize that your upper one percent period that's not subjective yeah nick will tell you that he probably don't even like you and nick's our producer here today nick they don't know who nick is your audience you don't have the transparent first time i've ever had nick oh Oh, that explains a lot. This is a big first, Dave. A lot of kids in the hallway. This is a big first, man. How many kids do you have out there, Nick?

It's a strong pull. There's like 14 little kids out there. Are they all yours? I don't know who those little children are, but I'm thinking about adopting them. Thanks for playing along. Have you ever ejaculated inside of a woman in hopes to get her pregnant just out of spite? No. Hold on.

Don't answer that. Objection. You had it out of spite as he started going with his answer. So if he wanted to make a baby, I know what you're doing, and I want that withdrawn. Yeah. Okay. That better. To be a lawyer is great.

You'd be like, and that's why you gave her AIDS. Withdrawn. Like then withdrawn. Don't worry about it. Have you ever ejaculated inside of a woman in the hopes of getting her pregnant? I have not. How old are you? I'm 30.

You still can. Have you ever ejaculated into a man's butt? I have not. To get him pregnant? I have not. Out of spite. That's taking the long way home, too, if you're trying to do that, man. Great tune. I'm not coming in some guy's butt, dude. Take the long Great tune. I'm not coming in some guy's butt, dude.

Take the long way home. I'm not coming in some guy's butt ever, I don't think. Why not? Why have the evidence? That's a good point. Why? I want to have something to mail home to my wife. I was going to say, instead of getting paper towels and wiping it off his stomach?

That's true, man. That's crazy. You put the mail in the mailbox don't you yeah we are sick bastards um so take me back there man was take me back there when somebody maybe doesn't feel well you don't come home and go i'm gonna fuck this sad out of her like yeah it's not a sexy situation no no no and then when somebody was sexually active and you met this person and then you sort of see them fade from the photograph it's uh it's heartbreaking and it's weird and then you just don't feel then i said this like my when i do stand up i just there's not like an overshare like there's no such fucking thing no you cruise if you're a comic your job is to say things that

have can't possibly have been said ever before. Yeah. You're like a car that has as much gas as it wants and doesn't know any of the rules of the road, I feel like. Me? Like you cruise, yeah. But you got to know the rules before you break. Right. But yeah, I mean, you know that you-

I'm Coltrane. Yes. You know all the rules. I mean, you know the book. You know the rule book. Every day I write the book. Yeah. But when you're out there, you're doing your thing.

But so tell me this. I keep the book. Yeah, but when you're out there, you're doing your thing. But so tell me this. I keep trying to. When you get there, so you have a year where you don't see your son. We were just talking about boners. I can wrap this up for you real quick. Yeah. So when somebody maybe is depressed, you think to yourself, the only thing that would make this situation worse is if I lost my,

there it goes. Oh, yeah. And then what's the point of doing it if that's going to happen if it could happen then you just get all up in your head well what excuse do you go with because i've been there man well you i didn't have sex you got that beautiful lady there she's showing you that like two years yeah and my excuse about girls that like maybe that i would date was i was in a i was in a really messed up situation this doesn't really work if it works good on you yeah and they all say the same thing well you never been with me i'm like okay sure yeah and uh i'm already up in my head because i led with it but last night the cialis helped you out maybe that hit her boy i haven't had sex that long since I was... Fucking Tony Gwynn, boy.

Yeah, same gut. Yeah, it was a line drive. That was a whole line drive the whole way. Yeah, he's a hitter, man. Yeah, I'm trying to think if I could get a base. It was a Ricky Henderson's wall on a fly. That frozen rope, thick-ass thighs, and that gator dive in a second

dude he would die i remember him he hit a home run one time and he dove in a second he's my favorite player of all time really ever i saw him one time i think in the airport it was him or barry sanders oh my it was bar Katz. You think I'm Ricky Henderson, man? Ricky Henderson's the all-time stolen base. I'm a blonde Jew that looks like Dirk Nowitzki. Good God, man. Ricky Henderson always speaks in the first person, you know? Oh, really?

His name is Ricky Nelson Henny Henderson, and he was born in the back of a Cadillac. Yeah. And his mom loved Ricky Nelson. i got to interview him once and he uh and i just got like the weirdest shit about him i could gather because i'm like everybody just threw all like baseball shit at him right yeah i'm like so man your mom must love ricky nelson he goes my mama love ricky nelson that you know that's why my name is ricky i'm like no i know no i didn't say that. I'm like, really? I go, you're so fast. Like, you must have been born in the back of a car.

He goes, I was born in the back of a Cadillac. No. Yeah. No more Garcia Parra told me when he was on the Red Sox, Ricky leads off the game with a double, and he's standing on second base shaking the dirt out of his belt, and the back says, you know, Garcia Parra with two R's, two P's, two R's. And he goes, yeah, number five.

Number five. And he turns around. He's shaking the dirt out of his belt, and he's, two R's. And he goes, Hey, number five. Number five. And he turns around. He's shaking the dirt out of his belt. And he does eyebrows like it's sexy. He goes, Ricky hit a double. And when he got on the bus once, it was full. And Mike Stanley goes,

make one of these young guys move. You got tenure. And he goes, Mike Stanley, I got 18 years. He's fucking legit. The person that was there told him to me so my boners work now yeah thanks to a little orange pill called tick i actually just take tic tacs do you yeah i like to uh show myself placebos that treat i go you know what i'm gonna take a i'm gonna take a viagra and then i just take a blueberry out of my refrigerator like

pop i mind fuck myself why do you have erectile dysfunction? For me, it's some of the pornography. You know, I used to do steroids when I was younger and sometimes I think it could be some backlash

from that. No. But, um. I mean, it could be, but no, no way. But then I go into the fact that I think that pornography. There's a lot of guys

on steroids that are fucking right now. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not one of those guys. That's a problem. Are you a sex and love addict? Because pornography's in there, right? That's a progressive addiction. addiction that's weird i think you got progressive to the point where like i need to really take some time i have an extended period

of time away from it so i can let my imagination work again in a comfortable way interesting because i i have similar situations when i was married i never looked at it never cheated i didn't like jack off because like what if that's a night like she shows interest in me right i'm like oh i got diarrhea i can't for the yeah so oh yeah you can't have diarrhea forever i had diarrhea for forever i had all kinds of stuff so i didn't look crazy nothing and then when i got divorced i'm like oh my cuckold what the fuck this is amazing oh it's not because she's a whore it's because he idolizes her why shouldn't she have this bull? It's so dark, though.

Is it? At a certain point, I feel like. Oh, no, yeah. It becomes very, because I was at a step meeting once and they were talking about addiction versus progression, progressive addiction, like gambling is a progressive addiction.

It's not like we're allergic to alcohol and the allergy starts before we take it. Right. Like if you're allergic to fruit, if you're allergic allergic to like a fig you eat a fig and your fucking throat closes your eyes shut you puke done with figs yeah the end no more figs alcoholics we're allergic to alcoholics and we're like where the fuck who opened that what is that right what is that where is that why we don't need any glasses just give me a fucking bottle hurry up i let me start puking we're like let's get more into this yeah like we're idiots well for me it was always the next thing it was like uh well my

my thing really was just i wanted to have a little bit of cocaine you know in my system has anybody ever had a little bit of cocaine no do i sound like norm mcdonald's am i too self-conscious like i feel like my cake has anybody ever really had well i don't think these words have even these walls haven't even had a lot of words i've only been in the studio for like a month a little bit of cocaine yeah so true dude i got a good no mcdonald's story i'd like to hear you know i was probably there you know they say uh guys on steroids the side effect has increased libido but you said uh maybe i did steroids as a kid and i thought like a five-year-old guy with a tricep bar in the front yard. They're doing exercises for that big black lady that beat up all the guys.

I don't know. That's Kizzy Laurent. You can name her whatever you want, but I'm an old chunk of gold from Ontario. I call her Trouble. I just call her Trouble. Kizzy? That's awesome, man. Kizzy?

Yeah. That's either so southern and black or so northeast and jewish yeah i gotta grab my kizzy hello darling it's kizzy how are you um so pornography became such a problem you become desensitized i bet you became desensitized i think and also your dick does because you just keep oh yeah rubbing it well dude i was looking at these magical you know i was looking at a lot of these magical bitches on the internet and i was just turnt out by it you know and next thing you know they got all these ladies and i would be nervous most of the time also i would be i would masturbate and have anxiety at the same time because you see these ladies you

know when they're some of them are like whole like are you talking about live ladies and no no i'm talking about on the internet you had anxiety looking at a make-believe person who because i would worry yeah is out of the business a couple years yeah filming a scene you know i worry about their health a lot of times you got these you're fucked up like that to me is like where you're over the line like where you're like i hope she's okay yeah really that's like john wayne Gacy shit. I kill these kids because I love them. Oh, yeah. I love these. You've checked my crawl space.

Those kids, they were inoculated. Yeah. They all got haircuts. Once we hit June, it's just crew cuts every two weeks, man. I care for these kids. That's what they say. Those kids are well-fed. That's what they say.

They're trying to catch a predator. Like, I'm here to save his life. Not one goes i'm here to fuck him are you his dad is this cool cameras did i hit the fetish jackpot cops oh my oh good good good jizz jizz jizz i'm here to fuck him man that's crazy man what kind of porn did you watch nothing real drastic i didn't think but no i mean if your dick is desensitized to the friction from your hand oh most of the stuff

I was watching was probably you know adult all adult and then mostly hold on let's just put a pin in this for a second

and maybe take that part out no I wasn't watching anything perverse man you were mostly adult all adult he said mostly I thought I said all but even still like the fact that you quantify No, I wasn't watching anything perverse, man. You were mostly adult. All adult. He said mostly.

I thought I said all. But even still, the fact that you quantify that you're watching people 18 and up, fuck. 18 and up. I believe you. Every time. If I saw somebody that even looked a little bit young, dude, I would shut it down. And then I would... What was Nick going to say just there? I just think Theo likes to avoid speaking in absolutes,

so he said mostly at first, but he quickly corrected himself. You just told me all gay guys are assholes earlier. 90%. You are what you eat. You know what? I'm better than that. I'm sorry. Yeah.

That's all right. It's still good, though. Just give me a second. So, yeah, my thing was that I would watch these women. Some of them are holding their butts open and stuff, and I would be worried that people were going to get sick. You know, people were going to catch colds. That was one of my biggest things I remember.

Well, they don't want you to have a draft, you know, as a kid. Yeah. Don't sleep near that window. There's a breeze coming through there, you know. But if you hold open your asshole, oh, there's going to be quite a breeze. You know, that's a draft. You catch a cold, you may catch your death. I don't know.

That's a windy city, man. Or maybe you get AIDS from all the cocks in there. I don't want to get AIDS again. And then I would start researching if people had AIDS and stuff. Why? I don't know. I just was concerned about the health of them. Are you single, married, girlfriend?

I'm dating a girl, and I am not married. I've never been married. When I was married, I didn't cheat. Because you cheat once, that's it. It's not like you work it off your record. Yeah. Like, now it's a misdemeanor. Now it's gone, because I had somebody write a letter for me.

But then once I discovered pornography when I was single, I was like, holy shit, there's a whole new world. And my friend, then I go out, like, I wanted to go on a couple of dates and he's like, you gotta wear condoms. I'm like, why? Were you wearing condoms back then? No, this is like this year.

Okay. I'm like, who? Where do you think I'm going? Yeah. Like condoms. Like, I'm not fucking in, you know, Zaire. I know, but you never know. It's like, yeah, but I'm not going to be presumptuous. And never know it's like yeah but i'm not gonna be

presumptuous and like dr drew would go that's the most irresponsible take ever and i love dr drew but it's like i'm like what am i gonna get like if i get like sit was like somebody a syphilis like i'm gonna sit with some i'm we're comics we're pretty good we can read a room for our jobs so one-on-one it's like fish in a barrel. Yeah. So if you're sitting across from some lady and she's using the salad tongs to scratch her fucking box during dinner, you're like, hey, it's a red flag. Yeah, that's breadcrumbs, bro. But we also do like-

That's crouton country. That's croutons. We also talk ourselves out of it like, she can't have anything. Her dad's a dentist. Yeah. She's from Minnesota. She's clean, bro. Yeah.

Her dad's a doctor. He's a chiropr. She's clean, bro. Yeah. Her dad's a doctor. He's a chiropractor. Exactly. Come on. What'd she have? She has a neck brace with autographs on it. Obviously. She follows poison around the country.

Yeah, she's okay. She told me she fucked Sebastian Bach. Do you think this? Do you think Sebastian Bach has ever fucked a woman in a neck brace? Honestly. I don't. All right. Ready?

Yeah. Excuse me. neck brace honestly yes i don't i all right ready yeah excuse me i was in saturday night live and i'm at a bar downtown with a like a penthouse pet like new york city yeah you know there's something about new york city i can't quite put my finger on it the name itself yeah it's too much why is that i think it just should be new york but it's New York City, New York. Yeah, it's too much. I thought it was going to be a softball hero bit. Really? That's what I was trying to do. Oh, yeah.

Something about that name. I just... Batting cage, aluminum bat. New York City, New York. Yeah. It's too much. It's too much. It's a double entendre.

Yeah. Both ways. Yeah. And a bit of a palindrome. Yeah. I think it is. Anyway. No. Both ways. Yeah. And a bit of a palindrome. Yeah. I think it is. Anyway. No, it's not actually.

It's onomatopoeia country, I think, all of a sudden. I think onomatopoeia. Boom. That was Kizzy's real name. I know. But it was actually spelled onomatopoeia. Fuck, I love callbacks. So I'm downtown in this bar with this rocket ship standing next to me.

It was nuts. And Sebastian Bach goes, hey, man. And we're both from Jersey. bar with like this rocket ship standing next to me like just it was nuts and sebastian bach goes hey man and we're both from jersey so like all jersey guys are just like all right yeah he's got the wrong hair and he's flipping the hair and he goes your girl and my girl tonight i'm like what he's saying foursome he's saying yeah and it's sebastian bach so i'm like whoa and he's like your girl and my girl tonight like he's actually doing it like that and i look and at the bar is like a nine month pregnant attractive woman holding like a perrier and she's like hey yeah and to this day i don't know how i fucking turned that down oh nine months

pregnant i could have just induced labor oh yeah back when everything was working your girl and my girl tonight dude what if you had started that labor you could be a midwife man i would have been i would have been and she breaks water all over your dick and balls that's gotta feel good see that kind of stuff makes me real nervous why i don't know man you ever be with a lady that like squirts uh one lady one time did i make you nervous are you autistic no the first two times it was okay and the third time i just i started getting nervous man you thought it was well it was like trying to it was like fucking a bomb you know exactly and that's what i didn't like you like the hurt locker one best

picture that's true you fucking love bomb movies it was like tuck everlasting it was like a couple of scenes from tuck everlasting wow it was too much you know why i like that particular act because you can't fake it yeah if they're squirting they're fucking they've lost their fucking mind yeah it's like maybe it's this maybe cool all i know is this person has left earth and when they come back they're gonna go oh my god you're sheets and that was another thing the cleanup is too much man it's too much that's why i do all my sex in the back of a u-haul you know black and decker table saw and i do uh circumcisions with a planned weed eater i love norm mcdonald i heard him on a podcast go i hear people imitate me you know and i'm like

i sound fucking retarded i'm'm like, oh, no. I hope he never thinks I'm mocking him. Dude, I opened up for Norm MacDonald at a casino, a Cherokee casino in Oklahoma. This is a while back. And we were playing at a celebrity poker tournament that weekend, right? And he and the next day we're standing around, there's a bunch of just not attractive women in this room.

Hey, Oklahoma. Yeah. You said it. And he goes, he goes. Baker Mayfield with a twat. He goes, yeah. He goes, man, there's a lot of hot chicks in here, huh? And I'm thinking like.

Was that John Wayne or was that Norman? That was Norman. Sounded like John Wayne. No, it was Norman McDonald. Hold on a second. Wow. There's a lot of hot chicks in here, huh? I love it. And he goes, and I was like, I'm thinking, well, of hot chicks in here, huh? I love it.

And I was like, I'm thinking, well, I'll accommodate Norm MacDonald. Maybe he's getting older and he doesn't know kind of how hot chicks are or anything anymore. So I'll just be like, yeah, yeah, definitely are, man. A lot of hotties in here. And he goes, fuck no, there aren't. That's what he said when I said that. Who had the age? It's not hot chicks.

Yeah, you're fucking water. How long ago was this? This was probably eight years ago. Norm MacDonald is one of the most legendary secretive cocksmen

of all time. Is he really? L. McPherson, like... Wow. Oh, yeah. Like, you're like, wait, what? But then you look at him,

you go, yeah, he's like this 1950s handsome man, like a movie star. Yeah. People are like, no, I'm like, fucking shut up, trust me. Like, you look at him you go yeah he's like this 1950s handsome man like a movie star yeah people like no i'm like fucking shut up trust me like you look at the guys at the bluest eyes he goes now i may be in a chunk of coal here but i think you owe daddy an apology yeah so why don't you just suck your thumb and lay on your back yeah i don't want to you know i don't know what his game was what's fun do you think that... I hate doing impressions of hypotheticals.

I only tell things that actually happened. Do you start to think about what do you have to use as we get older to attract women? Do you start to worry about that kind of stuff? No. No. I got to trust the compass, man.

Yeah. A guy, there's this fighter I work with and he's like, let me just ask you something. Black guy? No. No. I said I work with him. Well, I'm just trying to get an idea. I'm trying to get more racist by being completely ambiguous.

Wow. No, I'm trying to get an idea of who it is. Like, you're not giving me any, a guy. Well, the story's about something else. Yeah. What am I here for? Like, that's what a wife does. So there's a fighter I work with in Spokane.

I was in Spokane. I was at the comedy club. It's called Spokane Comedy Club. And I always wondered why they didn't, like, name it, name it. It was a Thursday. But it was crowded for a Thursday. Because as you go across the... You're like, what's the fucking...

You need an editor for your fucking face. Oh, yeah. You need an editor in the car with you going, nope, cut that part out. He didn't give a shit about her french bulldog nope nails hair got it uh-huh blow dry a blow bar great wait what no it's not keep going keep going we have to be at wendy's two o'clock on sunday thank you writing it down okay let's edit your face a lot of word count some people should be put on a word count. Me, certainly. Really?

Oh, yeah. It's awful. That's my moat, man. Oh, and on the phone, you're definitely chatting, man. Yesterday, we talked on the phone and you went on. I control it. Yeah. That's my moat.

It's a safety mechanism. I like if I keep you out there, it's like a jab, a stiff arm. But if I like you, you're in here, and then I just want to like bathe you in everything that's ever given me pleasure. That's Johnson and Johnson country right there. It is. That's in New Jersey too, by the way. Is it really? No more tears?

Yeah. We loved it. We used to use it when we were kids. Dude, we used to put it all over each other even when we weren't even in the tub. We loved Johnson and Johnson. Keep going. I remember my sister for her birthday wanted just a gallon of Johnson and Johnson. And we would fucking just wait till our eyes burned and we would put it all over each other.

We loved it. It was like the nicest thing we had in our house was a can of that. Or a jar. It wasn't a jar. It was like a plastic, tall, like a bottle. You need like a big can of beans. You had the generic. You need a can opener.

And your dad's like, y'all need a can opener, man. Like what? Look at my keys. I'm about to wash everybody's hair in this motherfucker you're like we loved it i we rubbed it all over each other my sister i'm like we loved it we love johnson and johnson man and you rubbed it on your sister's body well we rub it all over each other it was just like a it was a fucking it was just a you were in a cult you it was just a. You were in a cult. You know, it wasn't, man. You were in a cult where kids just rubbed Johnson & Johnson on each other until they ejaculated. Dude, I remember one year my mom for somebody's birthday, I guess she didn't have a bunch of money, so she got us all two liter sodas, right?

Everybody got their own. And dude, I remember we had so much fun shaking those things up and just spraying each other. She saves all her money. Oh. And you guys fucking sprayed it. But we loved it, though fucking eight dollar birthday she was okay she made us do it outside but i mean we fucking my sister had cherry seven up on her for a month man and we get it off with the lotion turpentine it's a you can't have the sweet without the stank dude i grew up in turpentine country. Do you know that? Well, I do now. Yeah, Covington, Louisiana.

Turpentine was... This was back when time was king, you know? This was back then. Why was it invented to just get paint off of shit? Well, yeah, and everybody hates it, but it's like, you know... Who hates it? People look down on it.

You've completely constructed that in your own brain. I don't think so. If you have paint on your hands, where's the turpentine? Period. That's the thing. Everybody's like, oh, fuck turpentine until you need it. No, nobody thinks about turpentine at all. It's a trigger hippie song, I know.

Okay. Well, that's the problem is that nobody's thinking about it. Well, yeah. Nobody's thinking about baby aspirin until you have a baby and he's in a favor. I think it mills around in the back of your head. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Like other liquids mill around back there gasoline you need it milk it'll be

you know and through two days i'll need it you know what liquids are milling around the back of our heads think about it water always and that's a necessity because water's right there inside of us telling us we need just up on a shelf looking down like and you know when i'm coming in yeah eggnog's coming around. You know. Yeah. Grape juice, not really as much. Maybe when you were a child. Yeah, you know what's amazing?

As you get older, you're like, this is fucking horrid. Yeah. Ugh. But when we were a kid, grape juice was king, man. That was cotton when we were a kid. Oh, wow. I just remembered a bit that I just have to write down because I was like, I gave my son grape medicine for his cough. And I'm like, well, this might have codeine in it, so I should probably drink the whole

bottle first just to check it out. Then I back in i'm like i spilled it all over and they give me another one then i realized grape for kids and medicine doesn't take like grape it tastes like purple they've mastered what purple tastes like if you eat a grape and have like great cough medicine like no but like i got an hour later a banana now and later and that that wafts a fucking banana. There's a banana taste in there. Yeah. The grape, they just, that's what purple tastes like.

Yeah. They want that purple. Yeah. They want that drink. They want that drink, man. I want my dessert. Do you think that some, you think getting high is better if you're African American or black?

Is your high better? Yeah. I think it's socioeconomic not color yeah i think if you're broke as fuck i think that high is nice yeah and i think if you're rich it's like i'm high and it's the same people and i got a view of the ocean this is kind of stupid yeah but i think if you're broke like think about the highest you've been when you were poor you're like this this is an alternate reality. I'm really dancing at this wedding. Yeah. Yeah, because when you're high, yeah, that's a good point, man.

That's a really good point. When you're high and you're poor, it takes you out of being poor. It's like anything's a possibility for a little while. I've got to get this down. That's okay. When you are and when you aren't and when you are rich then you start to get high you're like fuck i might be missing out on opportunities or something you know i think when you're rich and you get high you're like what are they fucking talking about over there yeah

about me how to fuck me yeah i'm gonna go over there and cause the scene yeah but if you're broke it's like look i go to meetings and they're like well i drink because my fucking my father fingered me in front of my sister. And I'm like, I drink because I fucking love getting fucked up. And I keep going because the more fucked up I get, and then it crosses terminal velocity. And I go, if I keep drinking, I'll pass out and it'll be done. That's it.

When I was 14, I had a rum and coke. 13, I had a rum and coke at a wedding. And I was like, apparently I'm breakdancing. And you've been dancing since then. And I'm a motherfucking breakdancer dancer do you feel like you're a demon no i work for the lord sir yeah i do indeed i'm a conduit yeah i'm a conduit i'm an instrument that's saint francis of assisi that's that's the prayer i look at and go okay i get it man i don't do a great job but i'm supposed to be a conduit. You are a conduit. That's what brought us together.

Man is God in ruin. We're just a fucking rubble of what the higher power of the universe is. I'm the Lord's Detroit. I don't think you're that bad yet because you're on the mend. You're more like the Riverwalk in San Antonio. They're like, what the fuck is going on down here? You're like, oh, look, gondolas. Okay, all right, yeah.

They got a plan around here. Charles Barkley said all the women down here are fat don't give a fuck we're up and running there's business yeah pop a bitch still here i like it um we're gonna let's do a couple of calls you want to pipe some in nick we'll talk about some things i'm about to pee my pants are you how do you say gang gang gang gang boy that's it yeah stand for what's it mean it just means you know that we're gonna do this together and we're not gonna be alone you know and it means fuck rich people as well usually but what about you but you got more money than half the people to say gang gang i don't think i do really dude motherfucker saying dabbo dabbo sweeney's name is dabbo because there goes dabbo again dabbo i knew a boy named no dante and his mom this is the best thing i've ever heard

his mother i doubt that by the way I mean you got the White Album probably but whatever but his mother put, she knew he was going to be misbehaving so she put No in the front of his name how great is that I don't know of anything, it's good No Dante

it's sad good it's perfect but I don't know if society name wise if we'll ever top Anne Franny Anne Franny Hardaway that's the only one I know of one of the best too But I don't know if society, name-wise, if we'll ever top Anthony. Yeah? Yeah. Anthony Hardaway? Well, that's the only one that I know of. One of the best.

One of the best, too. Like, I'm not sure how. Anthony. Yeah. I wish I named my kid Anthony. And I'm not joking at all. Fucking Anthony? Hey, Max.

Go fuck your Max. I got an Anthony. Yeah, I got a Max nephew. And yeah, I'll tell you. My son's name is Meredith. It means Lord of the sea it's his first name yeah Meredith Daniel

what do y'all call him Death I call him Meredith Daniel I call him Meredith and my people Mackie when he's like people call him Mackie but I'm like

no that's a tight name and I talk about it on stage I'm like if he was a black slot receiver that was a game guy Meredith Daniel in college like Meredith Moore

like just a hand like a Rick Fox looking brother like you see this motherfucking name meredith meredith moore name is meredith that's pussy central motherfucking name is meredith well i feel like tmi yeah oh sorry let's go back to that moment then so that year you don't see your son then you see him again call it went uh it was longer than that because we saw each other uh piecemeal and i had to get well first and i went back to a like march 14th last year and i didn't drink i was just fucking ill man i was sick my head was fucked up i was roiling around i was depressed i was sad i was sadness was something i never addressed like i'm fucking sad and um i needed a welcome chip

and i had been in the program may 5th 1998 i went to my first meeting but i never got a sponsor i never like did the work and they say at the end of you keep coming back it works if you work it i never worked it i never wrote out resentments i never took my inventory like my defects of character like really looked at them and it's amazing the more i did the work the more people in my life started talking to me finally the way I wanted them to talk to me. But they didn't change. I changed. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Well, I was at a meeting in the Palisades and for some reason I got like this fire in me. I said, I gotta go write out my resentments now. I'm like, wait till the end of the meeting. I go, I'm gonna wait one more second. And right when I waited, the speaker goes,

there's a universe and me. And that's fucking impossible. And I'm like, whoa, wow, now I can go. But I waited and I heard that before I left. There's a universe and me and that's impossible. I was like, holy shit. So I'm writing up my resentments and I'm mad at so-and-so for keep, and I put it in quotes, keep me from seeing my son.

And then I kept writing, why did I just put that in quotes? Because one of my defects of character is've never given a hundred percent at anything ever it's just athletic stand-up fighting girls meeting people everything's always just come really easy to me and the one thing i gave a hundred at was my my marriage and so that caved in on my first defected character of an insatiable need irrational need for validation i get applause for going to my office people go yeah you're at work let's do it every single time right so the marriage failing fed the like not i need more validation and why give a hundred percent because look what just happened and i just was out of the marriage long enough that i was actually six feet

tall and i was tall enough because the only that one percent i didn't do was just go to their house and ring the bell and say i'm sorry to the stepdad i put a lot on your plate man and i did and i started crying and he held me like a baby he held me dude oh my god i put a lot on your plate i miss my son i still know what his air smells like and he goes it's okay man and he fucking held me like a baby like i'm in debt to this dude forever like this guy's got a problem i got a fucking problem yeah i take care of my problems this man loved me and i put shit on his plate i went over there with a sincere apology and i had to make an apology to the mom. And it was legit.

Like, man, I just, I didn't show up. And that's the thing I hate most about my father. My father was in the house all day. My father did not show up. It just, there's different angles and stuff. Yeah. Optics, as you would say. Yeah, he was there, but not there.

But he was. In some elements, but he was. But it's my insatiable need. I need him to throw catch a different way. Yeah, you need a different thing. Every day. Like, yeah, but I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. Right. It's me. It is. Yeahatiable need. I need him to throw catch a different way. Yeah, you need a different thing. Every day. Like, yeah, but I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up.

Right. It's me. It is. Yeah, you need everything. You need him to dress you in furs and feed you. No one could possibly sustain what I need. Special feedings. And I need them.

Yeah. Nobody can sustain what I need. And I need them to read my mind as to when I need it. At the same time. And leave me the fuck alone. And you also aren't even going to tell them what you're thinking because they should already know what you're thinking. And I'm a lonely person.

But everything I love to do, I do alone. Stand up, wrestling. I love to fish. And I're thinking. And I'm a lonely person, but everything I love to do, I do alone. Stand up, wrestling. I love to fish. And I paddleboard and I fish from a fucking paddleboard. I love to drive. And that's insane. That's what I do alone. And that's when I'm my happiest because I can't talk.

There's no talking alone on a paddleboard. You have a fucking four pound bass towing you past dukes. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You got to come out. You're just that crazy guy. I'd love to come out there. I never fished off a paddle board before

it's uh you only eat shit for about two months but then when I saw my son and then I made amends and I made amends and I see my son he's like

this beautiful if you could just time stop life and meet you two years from now or like meet your girlfriend or I don't know

who's in your life that you're closest with but if you just like two years and then two years later you're the proper age and you get to see what that person's like as the awe the wonder that you would have wow but it happened and you're like and then i had to go back to the stepdad and go this kid's got incredible qualities and as you're doing wow i see you man and i love you for it and i'm so grateful and then you go but i also see the basement i see that hurricane door i see the first i'm like oh i built this motherfucker

from scratch like he can't shake that and then they little by little the thing is if you ever if your listeners are ever like away from a kid for a while you cannot talk you may not you are not allowed you may not talk about another parent and every time you do you sink smaller and smaller and smaller i had to be six feet tall again after a kooky i went to a mental hospital twice the only reason i didn't take the bed is i had the improv the next night and i said i can't do that to rita yeah that's it and i had a great show and then a meeting on sunday morning and then a monday morning wrestling practice was like clear and i got well that way somehow it was crazy but I was in the fucking place downtown in Kaiser

because I didn't have any money they could take me and if you have a kid that you see you may not defend yourself you can't talk shit about anybody you just have to be silent for you don't learn shit when you're talking and that kid will teach you more and they'll tell you more shit that's untrue and you just sit there like oh you just take it yeah because your child's talking and feels comfortable enough to actually share shit about you that he would like to scream in your fucking face even if it's not truthful and eventually the truth don't move man the truth doesn't move and little by little by little by little, the kid starts saying things like, I remember you played Chet Baker for me when I was a baby.

I'm like, now I'm the only one in my class that knows who Chet Baker is. I bet that hits you in the heart, huh? You're like, good. Okay. And then you realize, then they just, you know, you could say things to your kid. I said to my son, I go, you know,

there's a guy in California, he's watching the sun go down. There's a guy in Japan watching the sun come up. There's a guy out in outer space, he don't see the sun at all. All three of those guys, that's reality, and it is reality. So you just got to be aware that there's a guy in Japan, there's a guy in Malibu, there's a guy in space, and just, that's all I'm going to say.

A lot of perspectives going on at the same time. Little by little, they figure shit out they know do you think your son do you ever worry that he doesn't that do you feel like he loves you enough yeah it's astounding

it's the most powerful thing I've ever had in my life I have a 15 year old son that's 6 feet tall wants to be president of the United States as he did when he was a baby. I mailed him an index card and I wrote is housing a right or a privilege Examined before you answer and I get in the next card in the mail a month later and he wrote yes I'm like damn. He's gonna get assassinated Like he's Bobby Kennedy level great. Yes. Were you amazed at how?

Like he's Bobby Kennedy level, right? Yes. Or were you amazed at how... Baby, I'm amazed by the way your son... Is that Bryan Adams? Yes. Dude, I was doing a show... No, it's Paul McCartney. I was in South Africa and met Bryan Adams at a yogurt bar, at a breakfast bar.

Is that what they call it? Yeah. Here we just say Glory Hole. Now, were you amazed that children, just as a parent, because I've never been a parent, are you amazed that kids can like, you know they bounce like just how resilient they are and how much they bounce back and what their affections are like like yes but it was also my resentment was there was nothing to bounce back from i was sort of omitted and the goal i felt the goal post moved like well now it's not a good time a lot of that that must have been hard for you to like just hold on hold and i went i went to a mental hospital twice and that was on top of the

marriage on top of a job that made me insane like so you're being gaslit in three different directions and you're like the odds of a a fucking job a wife and an ex all saying the same thing to me are zero yet it's happening. And they can't all be wrong. When you're a kid, your mom goes, so everyone's wrong but you. And you go, oh. But then as an adult, you look at that shit,

you go, yes, I'm fucking positive. It's an impossible confluence of fuck I. That's the Andrea Gale, bro. You're an Andrea Gale. Yes. But then I also realized there's a language I speak that doesn't convey. It don't go through the UN headset. People don't know.

So I had to work on my shit. Damn. Leave it out on that note. Home of the motherfucking outcast. You're troubled, man. You're interesting. I'm not troubled. No.

I love that you said on the phone, he goes, I've always dug you. You seem like a real strange dude. Yeah. But I'm not troubled. But not troubled. I think I'm troubled. I think it's good. You got really fucking defensive. Yeah, I did. I get nervous sometimes. No, not troubled. But not troubled. I mean, but I think I'm troubled. I think it's good. You got really fucking defensive, Pesci.

Yeah, I did. I get nervous sometimes. No, not troubled. Troubled. Like fucking troubled. Like a math problem. Troubled. I'm not seeing you walking around with your fucking fingers and kids.

You know, he's fucking troubled. What? Troubled. Fucking troubled. If you were one of the wet bandits, dude, based on that voice, which one would you be? The tall, skinny guy? Or would you be Pesci? One of the wet bandits, dude, based on that voice, which one would you be? The tall, skinny guy or would you be Pesci? One of the wet bandits.

The wet bandits are the guys that attacked Macaulay Culkin when his parents went out of town. I'd be Stern because I think he does the VO. Does he really? Oh, no, he does the VO for the Wonder Years. Which guy that gets hit in the fucking face and beaten up do I want to be first? Yeah.

Neither. Who would you be? I'd be Pesci. More fun to play. Yeah? No, I don't know. Would you be the guy that leaves the faucets on

because he wants the acclaim or would you be Pesci who's just in there? It's a tough one. I'd be the fucking idiot who leaves the faucets on, I think. But that's the guy I want to play

because I've played all the fucking cocks and dicks. I'd become Rutger Hauer. Yeah. Get Jay Moore. We need an asshole. Really? Rutger Haueruer that's great though

i don't know that is the hitcher uh-uh i'm a huge i'm a michael landon fan though did you ever work with him no dot yeah calls are coming right i love him you want to hit a call man we'll hit a call let's hit a call and then um you have erectile dysfunction because you do things that gives you erections you see the i'm troubled you just let me know if you oh i've got i mean send them through nick i think jay's mad at me no come on are you kidding me no way i don't really think you are i don't think i don't know man you are uncomfortable i am uncomfortable i get uncomfortable well you did say that i see you say that a lot in your stand-up like my my you know your default setting uncomfortable yeah i like that you share that on stage because it's truthful yeah that's that's you

yeah i think i just i don't know i guess i just get afraid sometimes if you're uncomfortable or afraid around me that's just you like you're sealing up in like a balloon boy bubble because well i appreciate that and yesterday you called and you said you know the first thing i want you to know is that i don't think you could say something that would – I don't think you could be rude. Yeah, the last part of your text was, and none of this was meant to be rude, and I hope it didn't come – because I read from the bottom up, and I just read that one part, and I called you.

I go, I don't think you're capable of being rude to me because I know your heart. You're just a great – you're a good person. You're a great guy. Thanks, man. I appreciate you saying that. I can help you with this fear. Yeah? Well, yeah, and it's based on nothing it's not based in reality it's not based on anything you've actually experienced you've never been in a room with three guys and like this is where they fucking pay me down and broke my jaw yeah it's all the

construct of your conditioning and bullshit i'll do it off my head but no it's fine i don't care i mean i don't care about doing it on mic or off mic. I'm trying to listen to you and feel what you're saying and try and see where it lands inside me at the same time. I have to pee my eyes out. This call, though. Let's piss. But this call has been waiting, right?

All right, let's do a call. You want to do one and we'll get... Poor person. If you want, I can help you. This has been great. I can help you with that fear for real. No, I'm 100% serious, man. I really need help. I never had it. It's weird. I'm the out with that fear for real. No, I'm 100% serious, man. I really need help.

I never had it. It's weird. I'm the outlier. I know that. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Maybe you're not trouble. You're just an outlier of everything. Certainly.

Here's Alexander. Hey, Theo. This is Alexander in Largo, Florida. Just want to call and say hey, man. Share some good news with you. My lady and I are signed up to run our first 5k race on april 7th so that's exciting and uh yeah we're gonna be celebrating with you in tampa that same

night so even more exciting that's it man just want to say we're out there getting active you know getting after trying to be uh life survivors you know what i mean we'll see you at uh rock brothers brewing bruh rock brothers brewing Brewing. Come see Theo. Well, no, I didn't know that that guy was, and when he first started, I thought that man was honestly into men. I thought he, when I first heard him saying, especially Largo, Florida. A lot of assumptions, man. Yeah.

And it seemed like. The guy's doing a 5K with his, and I said something, I was an asshole. Oh, he's off the line. I said, I was a dick, like, oh, and he goes, it's exciting. I was like, is it? And then I went, you know what? They're doing it together. It is fucking cool. Because people that run like marathons, they got intimacy issues, and he goes, it's exciting. I was like, is it? And then I went, you know what? They're doing it together. It is fucking cool.

Because people that run like marathons, they got intimacy issues, man. You think? I know. You got to get ready to do like your run every day. Then you run for two hours alone. Then you come home, it takes an hour to shower. You got to eat the specific food that nobody else is allowed to touch. And then, you know, then maybe somebody leaves for work.

Yeah. Like this guy's doing it with the old lady. So you think doing it with the old lady is... They're together, man. They're together. And they got to train together, and they talk about what they're doing. That's good stuff.

So that's good stuff. Yeah. There's no negative there. All right. All right. I'm sorry. I took a long pee. I fell asleep sitting down.

I had to sit down to pee. I had to pee so bad. You know what? I sit down sometimes when I pee in the morning. I fell asleep sitting down. I had to sit down to pee. I had to pee so bad. You know what? I sit down sometimes when I pee in the morning. And if I pee in the middle of the night. But that's because you had a boner. No. You know the only reason you get an erection in your sleep is so you don't pee in your bed.

Is that true? Yeah. You can't pee when you get a boner. I went to bed. No joke. I was probably 32 years old. Well, I'm sorry. And I went to bed. I was a bed wetter, but not like that. sorry. And I went to bed.

I was a bed wetter, but not like that. Yeah. But I went to bed from the top of my dresser. Oh. That was my first joke ever. I can't believe this shit. I was 16. That was my first joke.

Dude, that's a fucking great joke. I'm athletic. I was a captain of the miniature golf team. I missed last year. I was hit by a windmill. And I'm a bed wetter. I mean, everybody, but I do it from the top of my dresser.

That's so good. That's what I thought my first five minutes was. And then I saw a tape of it and I was like watching like another country's parliament talk. Like what the fuck is this? Watching C-SPAN.

The dispatch box. Look across at Mr. Cosgrove, the fine gentleman from Heidenborough and Heathrow. Oh, yeah, yeah. The dispatch box, look across at Mr. Cosgrove, the fine gentleman from Heidenborough and he's, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm like, what? I had my five minutes.

I knew what it was in my head and I watched it. I didn't know what, I didn't understand what I was saying. Wow. That's so funny to me.

I've never heard that. I wet my bed my whole life. I mean, most of my childhood was constantly, because then I had to take a pill

because they came out with a pill where you took this pill from the doctor and you wouldn't wet the bed. When that came out, finally I could go sleep at friends' houses because I always had to be the kid who was up all night walking around your house loitering. Or I had to be the kid who was- Delicate ecosystem you grew up in. Your dad- Was just packed.

Not around. Yeah. And your mom had to do all of it. And you were aware of how much your mom did. Yeah. And your fear is from the childhood. It's the fear of, I can't upset this apple cart. I see the delicate nature.

I see this ecosystem. I can't run through this garden with boots on. Yeah. And there'd be hell to pay. But there was never hell to pay with you. Your mom was incredibly gentle with you. And she mom was incredibly gentle with you and she saw you like you know she saw you and she didn't laugh i saw you say that in the teaser wasn't a lot to laugh at but you knew she knew but with your dad's absence and with siblings they would catch a beat and for some reason you i mean you got your fair

share but it was disproportionately it was them not you yes for some reason you, I mean, you got your fair share, but it was disproportionately it was them, not you. Yes or no? Only say yes or no. No. You got most of the beatings. I think everybody got decent beatings. It's one or the other, buddy.

It's not true. Because somebody doesn't fuck around, so they don't get any beatings. How many kids? Yeah, I don't remember. That's a good question. You don't remember how many kids are in your family? Four kids. That was an odd response.

How many kids in your family? I don't remember. Somebody, I remember. It was a small person with a bad haircut. Where are you in the pecking order? I don't remember. That's a good question. You don't remember how many kids are in your family? Four kids. That was an odd response. How many kids are in your family? I don't remember. I remember there was a small person with a bad haircut. Where are you in the pecking order? I was number two. I had a brother that was two years older than me and then two sisters that were two years older. So you took beatings from him too

because he had to take out the aggression. Yeah, and neither one of us were good fighters. Well, he was a lot better than you were. Two years is an eternity when you're eight to ten years old. Yeah, his arms were heavier than mine. So you had to live in fear of that. So you were on eggshells on the way to school, in school, on the way

home from school, in the house where you're supposed to be safe and sound. And your comrade, your number one guy, your go-to guy is the one that's going to kick the shit out of you probably the most because he can't fight anybody. He can't beat anybody up except you. Yeah. You know what? Now that's true. That'll make a guy carry fear.

Yeah. Maybe that's the end. When did your mom pass? My mom's still alive. She's still alive? Good. Is your dad gone? Yeah.

My dad's gone. That's very conflicting emotions. What about your dad? They're both alive. They are? Both my dads. Paul Reiser and the other guy. My two dads.

Oh, dude. The other guy with the mustache. Nobody knows his name. Both my parents are alive. They're together they're in jersey and i uh i just yeah i just my dad i just seemed to annoy but that's how he just was really and now and i sent him a long email once like let me tell you something because i realized i asked my father in the back of my book um no wonder my parents drank just like a questionnaire to give your dad or your son or your uncle or whatever the answers will blow your mind like these are not the people you know like what's the best part

about having a kid what's the best part about having a son versus a daughter what's the hardest part about raising a son how is it different when's the proper time to have the birds and the bees when you go to bed are you ever done being a parent and my father's answers i gave it to him like two years ago for some reason and not when the book came out his answers fucking shook me man it was like when you were born basically like when i was born it was the greatest day of his life and it still is fills him with joy i'm like joy i've never seen this guy have joy in my life he reads books when he gets home from work it's dinner time they watch tv they go to bed repeat yeah and my dad was never affectionate so i always made a vow that i would always show affection and always be present my grandpa was like a big deal he was like

president of revlon he was a band leader he ran for Senate Revlon yeah the haircare makeup all it oh wow and then he was a perfumer and then he started in Britain that made his own company and then so my father just explained like basically like this guy was kind of a son of a bitch and he treated us he wrote I remember that he treated us as adjuncts instead of children like just you know then we we acquired the ping pong table room over here like it's like no i'm john i'm your oldest i run track at rutgers so it felt like buddies did it feel like buddies no it was demanding like he was a he was a compiler like he was on he was a nixon's uh cabinet he was uh a water gator no he was on the up and up he's not

stupid fucking spy on people that might be against you come on man i'm from jersey man that's some straight whittier fucking faggotry yeah he's a clean water gator i have a sister he wasn't a water gator he was on the council for the aging he was in the cabin special guy yeah he was uh he fucked marilyn monroe and bobby at the same time your father did uh sure so um my grandfather whittier whittier yeah beautiful i love all the things we talk about deluded i'm telling you i said how many times the universe tapping us on the shoulder yesterday on the phone i said to you so my grandfather was like just not warm and my father vowed to be like really warm so what i perceived is like an absence of he

perceived his warmth was no it was warm because he didn't have anything to go by there's no diorama for him to study and go this is how you treat a child warmly because he didn't know it right so everything he ever like he always played catch with me he never ever ever my life said no that didn't sound like a big deal but to a guy that's insatiable like me my wrestling matches in boot in new jersey up route 23 in the middle of fucking nowhere where toothless hillbillies are sitting next to their wives and their kids and whatever like just that old joke you know yeah it's my sister wife or whatever always went on the road wrestling matches started fucking six way into at 6 a.m you guys are close i didn't i didn't know

it at the time but because i was too busy with an alcoholic brain as a kid like what's with this guy what's with this guy and what's with this guy is he quit his job in the city so he was home with us more and he wrote that all out and I just wrote him back like I owe you an apology every time I've ever written

because in Gasping for Air Time a Saturday Night Live book I'm like this guy never gave me affection and this and I'm like I guy never gave me affection in this i'm like i'm mortified that i ever wrote this about and all those questions are in the back of your book i could send her to my mom or something no wonder my parents drank yeah you'll be you you have to because her answers man i need her answers you will get her answers but my father didn't send his till two years later and i didn't expect them which is

good and i was taxes i was fucking i was low when i got that shit in the mail and i just you needed it i was alone in my apartment like scream crying like ah and then my housekeeper comes in i'm like get the fuck out she's like we don't have windex i'm like i know it's why you think i'm crying because i can't see out of any of the windows look at my man right here i love you at the farley mural yeah man brits young man named brady matthews painted this for me and i was his first one well brady matthews needs to hear this story and then we'll go jump on to more stories yeah we'll jump on more stories in just a second david tell and i shared an office at saturday night live if you want to make sure nothing gets

done put the two of us in an office like he had a box set of otis redding that lauren gave him for his birthday and he cut a hole where the mouth was and put a cigarette in it and lit it like that was two weeks of fucking laughter like how long does the cigarette laugh one of them go faster and we're like he's actually smoked we weren't well so farley comes in on a rewrite night there's no reason for farley to be in the building he was the most beautiful man i ever met my life ever my grandfather my other grandfather read my mom's dad maurice ferguson he was he was the one man that saw him he was the most beautiful man ever and then chris right behind him and chris wasn't sober the two years i was there he was had his together he was you know in a van down by the river it's then yeah and he comes in he goes what are you guys doing

and me and david tell go we'll give you a hundred dollars to take a shit out the window oh yeah but we said at the same time like creepy twins come play with us danny we'll pay you a hundred he asked us how what we were doing and our answer at the same time he's from brooklyn i'm from jersey he's jewish i'm catholic like i what we'll give you $100. The cadence, we were singing a song together to shit out the window. And he goes, give me the money first. And we're like, oh, fuck.

Patent pockets, bro. And including, and I'm not exaggerating. Making lunch, baby. $4 in coins. It was exactly $100. And so he takes the paper money, Chris Farley, puts it in his pocket, and then reaches across my desk, which is against the window, the longest way you can go.

And fuck, the strong motherfucker, man. Yeah. Lifts that shit, tilts the desk, and the coins, like in a cartoon, ding, ding, ding, into his pocket. Like, ding, ding, ding, like stacks of quarters, stacks of, like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It was amazing. Drops the desk, opens that giant-ass window, goes up on the window ledge,

and rests the window on the back of his neck facing in the building. Oh, wow. Is the 17th floor. Yeah. He could fall to his death at any moment. Especially at his weight. That's a risk. He's a very graceful man.

He was at no risk of losing. Did he have long legs? No, he was just like a football player and he just had incredible balance you seem to cartwheels and shit and flips he was great and the only thing in the building was like his nose his hands that were on his knees and the snot bubble coming out of his nose and all the holding just his head against that window well yeah and he's balancing on the ledge as well right but it became obvious and they do tell the story on stage it became obvious immediately that chris didn became obvious immediately that Chris didn't have to shit at all.

But he had the money, and he always delivers, and the deal's a deal, but he always delivers. So you're doing that body Tetris at that point. You know what I'm talking about? I love you. I swear to God,

I'll fucking marry you. You start fucking playing Django with yourself, bro, because you've got to find a turd in you. Body Tetris. I'm mad. But that's true, though. You're just moving around. Yeah, I mean, you're doing things.

That's when you get the diarrhea with the stomach ache. You're like, I'm going to move this bubble here. Dude, that's when you start. That's when I need that shitty piece that comes down, makes it right, and comes down again. Yeah. The one that fucks up your whole game. Yeah, that little hitter.

You need that baller. So, like, the the windows rattling from effort like he's purple and he's it's farley he's going like i'll get it and is he saying stuff also to make you guys laugh at this point as well he can't he's insatiable that way he can't and after like a minute which is a long time when a guy's above the skating rink yeah like if you ever see like a fig one fig newton without the newton one of those like that size that shape it was like square shape oh yeah and it was thin oh yeah uh i'll guess consistency fell like the snow through the window behind him fell from his ass in the window onto my

fucking desk oh that's a detroit dove right there it was he wipes his ass with his hand there's no papers we don't write we don't write yeah we do nothing in there but fucking i watch him smoke i do diamond push-ups and i call escorts and fucking barley wipes ass with his hand he goes and starts doing like a zombie walk and starts chasing in quotes because he's going doing a zombie walk me and david tell are hauling ass down these hallways but like in scooby-doo he's always right fucking behind us he's just going his eyes were all the way in the back of his head so we don't know how he can see. And he went from like, ha ha to like,

Oh no. Like terrifying. Like I bought a Harbor Heights, Mexican mafia gangbanger. He's on PCP and he wouldn't go down. I'm like, Oh, this is great.

Just like right between the chin and from this fucking middle of his eyebrow to like his bottom lip, just, and then like a minute in, you go, this is a horror movie. Like I'm getting tired. And he kept going, you fucking near you. I is a horror movie like i'm getting tired and he kept going you fucking near you i am like somebody fucking john mitch mulaney gets out of his car and beats

him up and the whole set mitch mulaney like apparently just fought in oakland his whole life it was amazing rest in peace brother saved my life so farley's chasing us around there's a hallway going to lauren's office that's single file only. Lorne Michaels. Yeah. Lorne Green, actually. He took over the show for a while. Did he really? No, he just mentioned Michael Landon, so jump on that.

I love Michael Landon. Okay. Have you told him? Well, I didn't get... My mom almost met him one time at the fairgrounds, but... We're going to get into this on mine. Let's start more stories with this. Okay.

Because this ties right into everything I was just saying about your home. Okay. It's fascinating. He was the ideal. He was the guy. Oh, yeah. I get it. Even the pajamas that were the whole body red pajamas.

You're like, see? That's what a man wears. Oh, he was Prince Henry. He was Prince Henry. Prince Harry. Prince Harry? He was our, you know, he was our. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He was Estee Lauder. He was somebody, you know, he was the big deal. yeah yeah yeah he was este lauder he was somebody you know he was the big deal atel and i had a single file only and i'm like i am i am 11 months removed from college wrestling so i'm like and this motherfucker is right next to me ass and elbows david tell and he's like i'm like neither one of us are giving it up and i'm on the bookshelf side and it hits my shoulder and my shoulder comes out of the socket and goes around me like a grandma taking her bra off at the table. It felt like he just went around my body. And if you're not sure you've been knocked out, it's like, I'm not sure if I napped or not.

You did. Because there's no way, like, no, I didn't nap. Like, I don't know if I napped. Like, then something happened. If you're like, did I just get fucking knocked? Yes. Yes, you did. And I'm standing there. I'm laying on my back and farley in the shithand he's like and i'm like um and i go fuck you farley i broke my fucking jaws i'm like putting

it on like really acting i made myself cry and he goes are you okay and he stands up and i just got up and i ran out of that fucking building and i jogged home and I got under the covers it was like the most amazingly funny the most impossible thing the most frightening thing and I like fooled like a beautiful man into thinking I was hurt like that hurt me worse than anything his like are you okay like when he stopped being a zombie it was like heartbreaking I just fucking wanted to throw myself in front of a cab. But it's almost perfect, man. I can imagine at that moment you're under the covers and you created all of these things happened

and you're filled with all these feelings. You're filled with excitement, laughter, fear, chicanery because you guys created this crazy thing. Tom foolery and rumpus. The vision that somebody got shit on, the vision that hurt and all of that. It's like, and then you were able probably just to like sleep comfortably. That's an enormous event.

But it just shows how many feelings you have to have sometimes as an alcoholic to be filled with. To be able to just. Oh, it was an overload. It was too many feelings. Right. But the one that got me was the, are you okay? Yeah. That fucking, to this day i i get if i

think about it long enough i'll fucking cry like that's a beautiful beautiful man like there's a reason you mentioned his name and people go oh my god like yeah you think you know but you don't know but i'm glad you know what you know yeah but he was the most beautiful man i ever met in my life not named maurice yeah yeah i'm trying to think of the most beautiful man. Oh, ours is always, I mean, growing up it was Michael Landon and as an adult I haven't chosen. But when I was young it was Michael Landon.

I'm right across from you, buddy. I'm right here. I know you are. And I'm glad you are. No, I can't fuck with Michael Landon. Nobody. Deacon Jones. I don't know who that is.

Get the fuck out of my office. Play for Philadelphia? Get out of my office. Play for 76ers? We're going to wrap it up. 76ers? No, we'll go to more stories. How about that?

We'll go over to more stories to Jay Moore's podcast, and you'll be able to catch us on there. Jay, I just want to thank you so much, man, for coming in. It's super. I love you, brother. I see you. I can't look you in the eye when I say it, because I don't want you to be uncomfortable, but I do. That's that, man. You are the absolute guy.

I can't wait for your future. You're the funniest fucking guy. I'm like, I have to just do this podcast. Mine, meaning mine. And then you wanted me to be on yours. I'm like, yeah, let's break bread. Anytime, anyplace, bro. I appreciate it, man.

Let's crack some fucking skulls out there. Yeah, it means a lot, dude. I'm a huge fan and thank you for entertaining us i'm a strange guy and for being here yeah man you're strange man you're not troubled though no i'm not troubled i'm aware of my troubles which i think negates it yeah it's like you're an indiana jones in your own where's my whip yeah where the fuck is my whip always i hate I hate snakes. All right, man. I appreciate you. Yeah, thanks, bud. Hey, Kizzy, if you can hear this, come fuck with it.

Thank you guys so much for being here this episode. Happy Easter to you or happy Passover or happy atheism if you're into that. atheism. If you're into that. If you're out there juggling the devil's ball bag and you like being out there like that. The full moon is your only friend.

That's for you too. I hope you enjoy yourself and I hope you got some candy from a rabbit. Or I hope you do. I'm going to spend this weekend in Louisiana. I just wanted to say thank you guys. But I'm going to spend this weekend in Louisiana, and I just wanted to say thank you guys. This was our first guest that we had in the studio, and I'm hopeful, I'm excited for doing more,

and I'd love to know any feedback that you guys have. Drop a comment on YouTube. Constructive criticism, please. Let's try and serve keep it, let's try and serve our criticisms in a healthy manner and in a helpful manner if we can. Also, I got to let you guys know about Starflow. Starflow is the location for fans trying to link up and get closer to their favorite celebrities. So sometimes you don't want to be a peep in time.

You don't want to hide out in Giselle's trash or, you know, or hiding out in a dumpster by her house. So that's why you go to Starflow and you get that direct celebrity interaction. You know, it provides a hub for consumers to access their favorite talents and celebrities and exclusive content in only seconds. Think about seconds. There went some. It's available in the App Store or at StarFlow.com. It stays out of that sell your information secondary market.

It's a safe place where you and celebrities and brands and everything can coagulate and touch each other on the shoulder. You know what I'm saying? It's about users, creators, and content. Check it out, Starflow.com or Starflow on the App Store. And we'll have the link below in the YouTube and on the iTunes. Thank you guys again so much.

This is our first guest, and we hope for many more. Thank you, Patreon, for your patience and support, helping us get into this studio. And I hope you guys have a good one, man. Be good to yourselves. You probably deserve it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else.

So great. Hi, Sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine

is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.