This Past Weekend - Joey Diaz | This Past Weekend #124

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

Sitting down with Uncle Joey. This episode brought to you by: Acteon http://www.getacteon.com Use code THEO50 for 50% off all towels Layered http://www.layeredusa.com Use code THEO for 10% off Hood Hat http://www.hoodhat.com Use code HOODUSA for 20% off Lakeside Maple http://www.lakesidemaple.com Use code THEO for 15% off Submit a video question on LiveRaise’s Fan Line: http://bit.ly/Theo_FanLine Dates September 14-15 Zanies Nashville, TN October 18-20 Skyline Comedy Club Appleton, WI November 1-3 Helium Comedy Club Buffalo, NY November 9-10 Wise Guys Salt Lake City, UT Nov 30 & Dec 1 Comedy Loft Washington DC Dr. StrangeGunt Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Renee Nicol Angelo Raygun Matthew Snow Ryan Sweatman The Asian Hamster Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Travis Vowell J.T. Hosack Austin Kehler Addison Ardolino thatdudewiththepaperbag Meghan LaCasse Nyx Ballaine Alta Jacob Rice Jonny Zaz Mark Bentley Kiera Parr James Hunter Jerry Zhang Gabriel Almeda Ryan Crafts Amanda Sherman Brett Jones justin marcoux Christopher Stath Bryan Reinholdt Niko Ferrandino Paddy jay Thee shitfaced chef Paul Flores Tommy Redditt Casey Rudesill Gunt Squad Gary Joey Desrosiers Cody Kenyon Kirk Cahill Philip James Michael E. Ganzermiller Scott Owen Lide Mitchell Watson Matthew Azzam Justin L Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Ken Melvin Old McTronald Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Limes Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Dan Ray Audrey Harlan kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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They come in two sizes, full size beach towel and gym towel. That is Acteon, gym-E-T-A-C-T-E-O-N.com right now and use code Theo50. That's T-H-E-O-5-0 at checkout for 50% off all towels plus free shipping on U.S. orders at GetActeon, G-E-T-A-C-T-E-O-N.com. Use code Theo, T-H-E-O-5-0 for 50% off. What's up, guys? Before I say today's guest, I want to let you know I'll be performing coming up in Charlotte, Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City, Toronto. Just hold a beat on getting the Toronto tickets. We're figuring that out.

If you already have them, just not sure yet if that's going to be coming to fruition. And where else? Appleton, Wisconsin, and Buffalo, New York are other places that I will be coming to. Today's guest is, he's just one of a kind. It's like all of mankind got just put into one person. And he's like an oracle to the great beyond and to the great ahead. And he's one of the sweetest guys that I know and one of the absolute funniest. Get you out of your seat. Straight up savages. Joey Coco Diaz is here with us today.

I want to know about that, bro. That looked like the one thing I definitely wanted to be in. Next time you come to us. I'd love to. You're going to come, bro. Dude, I would love to go about that, bro. That looked like the one thing I definitely wanted to be in. Next time you come to us. I'd love to. You're going to come to us. Dude, I would love to go. What a blast. Because, so you guys had to pass, I know, so you guys at least got to skip some of the line.

Oh, right through, like, doctors. Because you guys must have had a million people trying to holler at you. Oh, my God, it was crazy. It was great. It was great, though. You know, you don't know. We'll save it for the podcast. You don't really know how good Disneyland is until you get there because it's all cheap.

Yeah. And we're like $149. I'm not going down there for $149. Then when you sit on a ride, you go, I get it. Yeah. I'm safe. Did Eddie have children with him or no? Yeah, he had a son with him.

Oh, he did? Yeah. His son and my daughter love each other. Really? Yeah, they love each other. They love each other. We all go to the same restaurant on Wednesdays because kids eat free. Yeah.

And my daughter loves the spaghetti there. Yeah. The pasta restaurant. It's the worst shit I've ever eaten in my life. But they like it. And last week we went and that's who was there. Yeah. Draco.

And we all hung out. And the mom. You know, it's a different world, man. And we all hung out. And the mom. And, you know, it's a different world, man. That's crazy, man. And the kids. So does your daughter know about the podcast or anything? She doesn't know about that. Like, what does she kind of look at it as?

What the fuck she knows? Yeah. I don't know what the fuck she knows. You know, she knows I got an office. Yeah. She goes over there. She sees the microphones. I got to hide the bongs and shit.

Mm-hmm. She'll tell me she wants to go to your office, Daddy, and clean it. So I'll let her come over and wipe it down and garbage out and give her like $5. And she just lost a tooth, you said, on the way in. You say your daughter just lost a tooth. That's fucking mind-boggling emotional. Is it? For me, it was.

Like, I'm not, you know, I'm from a different fucking world, bro. Yeah. Oh, I remember selling my teeth to some kid that came dead through town. Yeah, no, you didn't. Just on the street, yeah. Your baby teeth?

I don't know if they were baby or not. Some of them might have been adult. But my mouth kept making them, bro. I needed them, you know? My mouth was just producing fucking, this was like a silver mine, you know? Or like something, you something you know like my mouth was like do whatever we got to do to sell something i'll fucking make as much enamel as you need that's crazy i used to fucking be petrified of the dentist so i didn't go to the dentist for like 20 years so i was just doing dental work

no oh yeah i get a bottle of jack get some coke and shit get I'd get a bottle of Jack, get some coke and shit, get fucked up, get a wrench, and I'd go to work, dog. And just get in there. Oh, yeah, I pulled out like all these are all fake. Yeah, get in there, really? I pulled out like three of those motherfuckers. Fuck yeah. Wow.

And then the day I did go to the doctor, I went to this Kevin named Kevin Sessa, DDS, and bold, that's the day I kidnapped the motherfucker. The same day, I got my fillings done that morning. Oh, I could see that. Dude, dental work will make you want to fucking kill your, you know. You know, and my attorney kept saying, you should use that in the defense, you know. And I'm like, nah, because I did want to kidnap this dude.

Way before the dental work. You know what I'm saying? Way before I went to the dentist, I was going to rob this guy. Me going to the dentist. Had nothing to do with it. Had nothing to do with it. Had nothing to do with it. He was going down whether I went to the dentist or not. But that's the beauty of these days.

Like, you could do anything, man. You could go to the dentist first, and then you're like, yeah, I was high on some kind of gas or helium. I didn't know that. Bro, you know what? I could have made the excuse up. I just didn't want to. I wanted to end it. Yeah.

I wanted to end it at that age. Like, I wanted all this just to end and to start it yeah i wanted to end it at that age like i wanted all this just to end and to start over i knew i had up yeah did you have a lot of like amends to make when you went through like when you kind of started to kind of when you kind of got out of that sort of lifestyle i still make amends really like i still think of and i go you know what i should call that person and i should write that person. I was just talking about my back. I got a big beef with my ex-wife. I have a 27-year-old I don't talk to.

Oh, wow. Me and my wife just, you know, in life, we make a few good fucking decisions. Me getting married, I was young. I wasn't really in love. I was a fucking criminal, you know. So what made you get married then? Like, what was the thing that you kind of, that honestly, when you think kind of, because

look, I'm in some of those situations, like, you know, I worry about moving forward, but knowing that I'm not ready sometimes in certain environments, you know. Well, you're never fucking ready. I mean, you're never ready for dick. Right. There's no handbook on marriage. There's no handbook on friendship. There's no handbook on life. There's no handbook on marriage. There's no handbook on friendship. There's no handbook on life.

There's no handbook on anything. I remember a kid years ago that was a phone guy at the store. And one day the fucking talent coordinator got fired. They just made him the talent coordinator. Wow. He didn't know nothing about nothing. Yeah. He got fired six months later, but you just have to be ready.

There's times in life that I can't train you for what's going to happen. Right. And if you think about your life, I mean, how old are you now? I'm 38. Think about your life. That's most of your life. Think about where you've been. Nobody could train you for what?

You either fall apart, have a nervous breakdown, go see a psychiatrist, or fucking live your life. Yeah. Live your fucking life, because it's very- Man, it's nervous breakdown, go see a psychiatrist, or fucking live your life. Yeah. Live your fucking life because it's very. Man, it's so true, man. You have no idea how much exact. I mean, literally, I'm going to a therapist today at seven, and it's like some things that's just like sometimes I'm just afraid to maybe admit what the truth is to myself. maybe admit what the truth is to myself. And instead I'll get stuck in some of these like therapies situations. Cause sometimes I feel like I know what the truth is,

but it's hard to, sometimes it's hard to know if your instincts are reliable. Does that make any sense? Like if you get an instinct, if it's, if it's legit or not, or if it's fear or if it's. I had a friend,

I have a friend. That's the kiss of death. I love him with all my heart, but every decision he makes is a bad decision. And I was thinking about it about a month ago, and I was thinking about when I was in the same position, that at one time in my life, everything I did was a bad decision. I mean, I was the kiss of death.

When I got out of prison, everything I did, getting married, everything I did. So I consciously made a fucking decision to think about every decision and not to do the first thing that came to my mind. Wow. Like I had to actually do that. Right. That's a bad idea. Like I would be negative to be positive.

Right. Because I was doing everything wrong. So before I do that, I'm going to fucking throw hot water on it and do the other thing. And I started. Changing air. Because you have to come to terms with yourself and go, this ain't working. Yeah, sometimes you got to realize that just naturally you're not going to make the best. Maybe your instinct isn't the best decision maker.

Yeah. But, you know, this morning I woke up and I saw something about the nerdist. He got exonerated at NBC and all this stuff. You know, I don't know who his accuser is or whatever. It got nothing to do with it. A Chris Hardwick guy. Yeah, Chris Hardwick. But I was very happy.

I've met Chris a couple times. You know, he is what he is. He's the sweetheart of a guy. But you can't, we can't keep, this country was built on laws that you have to be judged by your peers, but we're getting judgment by the internet now. Yeah. And that's not fair. That's not right.

That's not what this whole thing was about. Mm-mm. This is about, you say something, I did that, all right, give me the camera, give me the footage, let's go. Yeah. I can't base everything on your fucking word. That's why I don't go to therapy. I use my podcast as therapy.

I beat you to the punch. I'm going to get it out there before you can even get it out there. I'll tell you the fucking story. You want to know the story? I'll tell you. I don't give a fuck. It was 30 years ago. What are you going to do, arrest me?

Beat me up? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? At this point, there's not much you can do. I do something positive in a mental type of way once a month. Yeah. You do a lot of stuff. I do something.

Like I just reached out before the Netflix special, which you came out to. Thank you very much. Yeah, it was great. You look awesome out there. I reached out to somebody who did me a solid when I was 16 years old, and I didn't know the amount of the solid that it was, so I shit on the solid. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And I live with that every day. And we kind of talk, and I can see it in his face. Listen, he has no reason to talk to me. He really doesn't. Right. I caused havoc in his house. I caused havoc in his life.

And I wrote him this long thing and i just said listen if there's anything i could do to come over to your house and talk to your family just to nobody wants to die with this shit on there it's it's it's not such a big deal right it was a big deal then today it's not such a big deal we all lived we all survived i haven't heard back from him right is it hard sometimes hard sometimes, like, for people? Like, do you find it? Because what do you think is one of the things that, like, stops us sometimes from being the bigger man? Because sometimes, like, you know, like, I want to be angry instead of be grateful, you know, or I want to be, you know, I don't want to reach out to some, you know, like, I still want to hold that grudge. Like, when you have those kind of moments, like, how do you kind of get through some

of that, you know, instead of being like, well, fuck, I can still hold a grudge against this person, but I'm going to do this instead. You know, T.J. English, he did the podcast with me and Rogan, and he said that his 30, 40 years experience dealing with Cuban people were always very vindictive. You know, the book he wrote about that guy was about a godfather, you know, about a crime godfather. But the guy used to kill people himself. Like, that's unheard of. Like, when episode eight of The Sopranos, they were thinking of canceling The Sopranos, I think after episode seven.

They really, HBO did not want Tony killing somebody. Yeah. Because a mob boss always sends an underling. But Chase wanted to make this point so he had tony kill him with this guy battle you know i'm very vindictive i will get you yeah i will get you i will lay down like a fucking dog and i'll wait years i've done it to people already you know what i'm saying i've done it to motherfuckers already while i sit in the bush for years you know that's a horrible way to live though yeah that's a hard i'm the king of it because i can do it because that's just stirring you all the time it's running in the background like an open window on the internet like it's just sitting there running

like there's somebody right now that's in burbank yeah but i want to go over there and throw them out a fucking window every morning when I wake up. And the only thing that stops me is my family, my daughter, what I'm doing right now because he's a piece of shit. He's been a piece of shit to a lot of people. A lot of comedians. But guess why I don't throw him out the window?

Because I did business with him and I knew it going in that he was a piece of shit. So shame on me. I got caught up in the smoke of the situation. Now I have to pay for my sins. But I'll get that motherfucker eventually. I'll give him a flat. I'll put sugar in his gas tank.

Something along the line. I'll do fucking something. I'll put saran wrap in his gas tank, and he'll stall every 30 miles in a 405. I'm the king of that shit. That would be the worst. I don't want to live there. Yeah.

I don't want to be there. Like I said, two weeks ago I wrote a letter to my ex-wife. And I said all the things I did wrong. Yeah. And I took the letter and I lit it on fire. Wow. Because I don't want nobody getting that letter. I don't want to go to jail. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? And does she know all these things that you sent it to her too? No, no, no, no, no, no. I just wanted to know. You wanted to know. I just wanted to know. You wanted to know. I just wanted to know where I fucked up and how I was aware of what I had done. Man, I'm afraid. It's so crazy hearing you say some of that because sometimes it's like, yeah, the truth sometimes,

it's like I'd be probably afraid to even fucking read it all to myself. Oh, when I read it. When you read something, like when I write a story about me robbing somebody, I get my little iPad and I'm writing and I giggle. And then I read it. Reading it fucks my world up. Yeah. Like reading it fucks my world up for an hour or two.

Because it changes the perspective of it. It changes the perspective. What you're thinking and what you're reading is two different things. It's a little harder when I said I jumped through his window and all that shit. You know, it seems a little bit rougher. But I don't know. It's been great. I've been trying to, you know, ever since I have the family,

I just want to shed some of this fucking snakeskin. Yeah. You know, that's why I don't like any of these accusations from people lately. I can't come back to Cleo and say that when we were going to the University of fucking Texas one night you touched my tit. I can't say that now. Yeah, that's crazy. I can't do that now, 20 years later.

That's not right to you. That's not right. That's not right to me. Let me call Cleo and go, hey, Cleo, man, a couple years ago I felt a little threatened by you in that room. We were doing blow, and you asked me to show me your monkey. Yeah. What the fuck were you doing blow with me for?

You know the deal. You do a line of coke, you're sucking something. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, bro? You're sucking something, a pacifier, a finger. You're going to fix the faucet. Yeah. You're going to fix the faucet with your mouth.

And the reason why I don't like that is because I know I've changed. Right. That's the thing. I know I've changed, the person. I know I don't. Right. That's the thing. I know I've changed. I know I don't see the shit I used to see. Yeah. And when I see it now, if I would go into buildings like this, when I was 21, I'd put a suit on, Doug, and I'd walk past reception and I'd walk into a business like this, and

I'd pick the third floor, and I'd just go from door to door looking for Tony Smith. Wow. Tony Smith here. No, there's no Tony here. What were you looking for? I thought it was 303. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

Maybe check the fourth floor. You know how many times I'd open up a door and there'd be a purse sitting there or your wallet. Something. And you went to the bathroom and let your wallet on the table.

And I would just take a wallet. It'd be 500 bucks in it. And I'd walk out the building and I was good on the table. And I would just take a wallet. It would be 500 bucks in it. And I'd walk out the building. And I was good for the day. Yeah. I did that for years. I would walk into a building and just knock on doors. Like, I'm looking for Theo.

Theo, come on. Dude, we used to do that, too. We used to go through the neighborhood at night and we'd steal everybody's fucking car radios, right? But then here was why I did it, dude. At first, you know, we did it because we wanted a radio for our own car but you only can put like one radio in your own car so then i got out of a back seat with like nine radios in it you know all these fucking radios sitting there but then here's why i started to do it because then i would see people drive down the street and be furious that they didn't have any music so then that would fucking make me laugh so hard bro just see somebody

driving and this one dude started singing his own songs every day, bro. I know, fucking. He had no radio? Oh, dude. It's crazy how he never got into robbing cars or car stereos. I had a buddy who used to rob car stereos, but at one point, cars started

putting a device in it that if you stole the stereo, it wouldn't work on another car. I think especially Subaru had the technology. Oh, yeah, Subaru. But I'll tell you what, bro. When I first started working for Subaru, it was 1986. Really? I was living in Boulder, and I was a detailer.

But I became friends with the manager. His name was Peter Pinto, a real street guy. And one day he's like, why do you wash cars? You're like one of the best salesmen. Just talking to you, I can buy shit from you. And he goes, just come over on a Monday and see if you like it. And I came over on a Monday and sold three cars and made a thousand bucks. At that time, I used to work 60 hours a week for like- Washing.

I think it was 860 a month they would pay me. And you made it in a day. I'd make it in a day selling cars. And I went, I borrowed $500 from my girlfriend's mother, and I went and bought three jackets, three pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a belt. And I went and fucking knocked them fucking dead. But I thought I was making like $7,000 to $10,000 a month.

That's huge money. Three months in 1987, going to school, seven grand a month. Subaru selling 10 cars a month. You could have been the principal at school. You get a check from them. You get a check from Subaru. But the lot man drove like an expensive BMW. And I'm like, how can a fucking lot man sell, have a BMW?

I mean, what can a lot man make? The year went by. I stayed a loyal employee. I mean, what can a lot man make, you know? The year went by. I stayed a loyal employee. You know, I got into a few arguments there. I threatened to fucking break the car with an ax window if they didn't pay me and shit like that. But the cops came in one day. This was a crazy place where I worked.

It was called Crouch Subaru. Yeah. Crouch, and that's German, huh? Crouch. Crouch, huh? Today they own. You're going to get fucking robbed if somebody's Krauts. C-R-O-U-C-H.

They own an Acura store today, a couple Acura stores, but in those days, that Subaru store was a fucking comedy. It was a comedy. They didn't even have a lot of Subarus. Do people even know what that was then? Yeah, no. In Colorado, it was the number one car. It's the number one car.

It used to be Burt Subaru was the number one Subaru deal in the world. Wow. They did 500 new Subarus in a fucking month or something. And then we were like number eight in the district. But one day the cops came and they arrested this fucking lock guy because he was running a scam at the gym. But what we also didn't know was that after you sold a car, he would talk to you for five minutes about your car, and he would upsell you. Oh, he's selling shit on the side. So this motherfucker was taking the stereos out of the GL10 sedans, the top, and putting it in your shitty car.

Wow. So all these people paying 20 grand for these high-end cars and the radio. It was like an AM radio. Oh. Bro, he did it to every five. Like, when he got arrested, he had been doing this for years. Like, people were buying cars. Made a ton of money.

Ton of money. He was selling rims, tires. Then the cops came in again one day and surrounded the building. Because we had a salesman that used to rob banks at lunchtime. Oh, wow. His name was Carlos Valverde. What a great idea. I never met this guy.

And he had nine kids. Nine fucking kids nine fucking kids he had with the same wife he had been married like 30 fucking years he was robbing that pussy as well 30 years he was like 22 he was spanish valverde that's how spanish can be dude never forget this guy one day the fucking cops came and surrounded the building he was fucking robbing banks at lunchtime. Him and four other guys would fucking get the car. I mean, it was fucking crazy. Then I got in trouble there. This car dealership was a professional thievery.

Everybody was stealing from everybody. There was a guy in there that robbed banks. That's a great sitcom, everybody stealing from everybody. Oh, my God. There was a guy in there that was in probation because he robbed banks. And he just got out of jail doing 20 years for robbing banks. The manager was a biker that would work six months of the year, like cut his hair and shave, and he was a great salesman.

Then the other half of the year, he was a biker. Didn't do no drugs. He hated drugs, and he hated the smell of vinegar wow so when i didn't want him there i would come in and i buy a bottle of white vinegar and i take a cap and put in the corner of his office and spill it and he'd be in the office within minutes he'd be like i smell vinegar and he'd fucking leave i used to get coke bindles and tie like uh fish wire to him and i'd throw them on the floor by him, and I'd roll them from my seat,

and he'd be fucking trying to step on it. I had a great time. That sounds so much fun, man. But it's so funny because what I learned that year, I still do today. Right. Like all the things I learned about selling cars and how you should be a salesman like i still use those principles today like they they would kept me alive in the comedy game yeah

like you know so it's kind of when you're um so you you said that your daughter lost her tooth like what's that kind of like so like what is like is it hard to go from like you know being like is it hard to switch into like a dad mode like did you ever worry that it would be hard to switch into like a dad mode or is it just kind of naturally happen because i you know like sometimes you know especially as a comedian as kind of like the center of attention you know sometimes whether we want to be or not you know and then like have your daughter be the center of attention is Is that different? Like, is it unique or anything?

What's that like? I've had, like, five lives, man. Yeah. So, like, I leave here now. I go over the hill. I pick her up at a quarter to four from camp, and I take her to Muay Thai. And then I got a half hour in between Muay Thai and swimming. Yeah.

And then I sit there for a fucking hour and sit with her. And then from there we go to dinner tonight because it's Wednesday night. So it's spaghetti night. So it's spaghetti night. And does she like if she's in the pool, you know, you're just watching her. It's like all the dad stuff. Yeah. You know, and I'm very fortunate because a lot of people in the pool of moms right i could go with my wife oh nice you know the way i look at i got a second chance of

being a dad wow i fucked up the first time so now i do it to the t i'm the type of guy if you give me a second chance of something that's it whatever the past was was the past next time i'll do it to the fucking letter yeah and it's all that's going on right now in my life is very important. Like every aspect of it. The balance I have is very important. You gotta show up every day. I give a fuck about my family. We gotta feed our family. We gotta

eat and we gotta act like a family. If not, we're gonna end up like an LA family. Divorced and I got a 16 year old wife. I don't want that. I did that already. Yeah. I did that already. I got a 16-year-old wife, and I don't want that. I did that already. Yeah. I did that already. I want a family.

I want to go home at night. So I enjoy my comedic life. Mm-hmm. I love my podcast life. Yeah. You know, I love going to the store and bumping into you guys and talking about pussy.

I know, it's so much fun. Last night was so much fun in the parking lot. And sticking your fingers up somebody's ass, and you're talking about this. And then I went and got pizza at Joe's, and I brought a Sicilian slice, Philly, and his buddy, and you're talking about this. And then I went and got pizza at Joe's, and I brought a Sicilian slice for Lee and his buddy,

and they waited for me by their open mic. Oh, that's cool. So we sat in the parking lot until 1230 eating pizza, talking shit, and people were pulling on them going, Joey, what's happening? And we're talking about black dick and fucking how. It's funny because I'm going, yeah, the chick, she like black dick.

She like the banana mist around the dick. And I've got a black guy pulls up and going, it's funny because I'm going, yeah, the chick, she like black dick. She like the banana mist around the dick. And I've got a black guy pulls up and going, it's funny you're here. I was just talking about black people. He came over. We started telling him about banana dicks. I mean, we were there until about 1230 just talking. And then I go home, and I wash my hands. I pee, you know.

Check on the kid. And I walk into her room, tiptoe. Yeah. And I turn the turtle off. That's doing like this psychedelic show. Oh, dude, it's crazy. They put kids through some of that. So now I turn this other thing off, and then I give her a kiss,

and I say, you know, God bless you. And then I walk to my office, and there I am smoking dope. Yeah. Two minutes later. And then, you know, so it's like I have nine lines. Yeah. In between. And they're all going on at once.

You know, I really respect that fathership shit. Like, I don't get high. Like, if I get high before, like, swimming or something, I do Listerine. I change my shirt. I put Visine in my eyes. You show up like at least a pro. Yeah. I show up like a pro.

I don't show up like fucking, you know, looking like Cheech and Chow. You're not having your daughter hold the roach in her in her swim bag yeah in fact yesterday morning i got up because she went to pre-care for us right she went to at two she went to like pre-care and i was against it but when my wife took me and i saw the kids i go what are we gonna do keep her in the house all night right because it's fun that you do art and stuff like that, and they get to interact with other kids. Yeah, you've got to interact with other kids. That's a huge, that's the biggest thing. You've got to interact with other fucking kids.

Yeah. That's the big thing that, when I came from Cuba, I had a big problem. I didn't speak the language, bro. Yeah. I didn't speak the language, and then my father died. So I was like Vito when he came from Italy. You ever see The Godfather 2?

When Vito came, he was like a half a fucking retard. He was like singing songs at the INS. He was like singing. Yeah, he's like one of those guys going through my neighborhood with no radio. Yeah, with no radio. Yeah. And that was me. I was damaged goods.

I was damaged goods. But my mom had me in an adult world because she didn't believe in daycare. So here I am with her at the track. I'm at the bar with her that she owned. Yeah. You're at the laundromat. You're learning about everything. That didn't do me daycare. So here I am with her at the track. I'm at the bar with her that she owned. You're at the laundromat. You're learning about everything. That didn't do me no favors. It showed me the world, but it also slowed me back.

It took me years to start to share. It took your childhood away. Probably took a lot of your childhood away. I was a single child. So that don't help either. So you don't learn how to share. You don't learn how to do. You get jealousy issues if a kid is around your mom so i had to learn to deal with all that with me i wanted her listen man

let's fucking be honest as men let's be fucking honest your mom was hot no my mom was a fucking dirty whore oh sorry sorry i know we're being honest about my mom was okay she's about a seven or eight let's be as honest as we can. A woman has to fight hard in this world. Oh, yeah. Okay? It's just the way it is, ladies. I'm not here to tell you why or how.

It's the way it's always been. It's a hard time. It's a tough time. The odds are against a woman from day one. I'm trying to shorten those odds. If I could get her from nine to one odds to 7 to 3, I did my job as a dad. And that's filling in those voids. See, I thought being a dad was buying your kid

a $22,000 car. No. At 25, when I had my kid, I thought that that's what having a child was. Having a child is when, dog, my phone's ringing. I don't give a fuck that it's ringing. And I'm on the floor with her

drawing crayons every night. Yeah. Like every night, her and I sit together and we get crayons and she yells at me, why don't you use markers? I'm like, because I'm fucking old school. I like crayons, bitch. You know what I'm saying?

I'm a crayon type of motherfucker. And while I'm doing that crayon, I'm thinking about my life. I'm looking at, bitch. You know what I'm saying? I'm a crayon type of motherfucker. And while I'm doing that crayon, I'm thinking about my life. I'm looking at her and I'm thinking about the shit I didn't do as a kid. But that's every night. You get that second chance. When I get home, we eat dinner, she says her prayers. Even though I'm talking about eating assholes all

day and fucking that fucking Polish fuck and all this shit that comes out of my mouth. Then at six o'clock, I'm this guy that says prayers at the table. Yeah. And Mercy, take your elbows off the table. And I talk to her in Spanish. Oh, I like that.

So if I say, oye, que esta pasando? I'll say it. Oye, que esta pasando? How was school today? I'm not a gump boy. So whatever I say to her in English, I say to her in Spanish. And even if she don't understand, she'll understand me as she gets older. She gets it.

Yeah, she understands. What are some things that she does that you notice is like you inside of her? That must be kind of cool, huh? To see like a moment in your kid when they like, maybe they laugh a certain way or they look a certain way or they do something. Like, you know, when you see like you in, it's like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, no, there's a couple things I see already. I see that she likes her alone time.

Yeah. There's times we walk in from doing something and she's like, later. And there's times I go in her room and she'll tell me the truth. She's like, Daddy, I want to be alone right now. And I'll hurt my feelings, but then I'll go, I'm the same fucking way.

Why would I be hurt? I don't like her temper. Sometimes she goes off on my wife and I I got to sit her down, and she gets red. I see that Cuban blood going. Oh, wow, yeah. So that Cuban blood is good, but it's bad in some situations, so I want to hone it. Yeah, it's more of a soup. So I brought her into jiu-jitsu about two months ago, and she fell in love with the dude because my daughter's going to be a little dirty whore.

I mean, I love her to death, but she loves men. And I wanted that. Yeah. I'd want it. Like, I'd bring her around guys so she's never scared. She's never intimidated. Oh, I like that. My mother was a bookmaker, so she worked with men.

And I used to admire how my mother walked into a room and the respect she got from men. Wow. It wasn't a respect that she got because she had big tits because she laid the law down in that room. I came from a very interesting background that I didn't know. When my mother was 16, her and her sister went to a dance in Cuba. And my mother couldn't find her sister. So she went outside and some guy was raping her.

And my mother broke a bottle and cut the guy, stabbed him from one side of his back to the other. He died. So I had to get my mother out of Cuba into the States. So my mom went to like Curacao first. Curacao, yeah. Curacao first. Yeah, we have a military base there, a huge military base.

Huge, and then she went to the States. And then she went back to Cuba with a fake identity and everything disappeared. Wow. So I look at my daughter, and I think about me, and I know that that's in my blood. It's in there. That's a possibility.

My mom had to think quick. I never knew the story until she died. Wow, she's fearless. I never knew the story. I saw her in action. In fact, yes, that was right. Man, she must have been a strong woman, huh? Yes, that was right the fucking thing. Because In fact, yes, that was right. Man, she must have been a strong woman, huh? Yes, that was right the fucking

thing. Because I usually, like, when you go write jokes, sometimes you can't write jokes. So just sitting there licking a pen, I'll fucking just write a story. You know? Like, let's write it. And I wrote a story about me and karate and how I got into karate because I played hooky and I got

hit in the head with a lunchbox and I got stitches and I told my mother, and the next day she walked me to a black karate school. All black. Black people doing karate? Oh, yeah. No way. 1969, 68, New York City.

How's that not a documentary? As a matter of fact, you know Laranja Orange, the guy that acts Brazilian that hangs out with all these guys, is Eddie's black belt. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Is it not Shea? What's that guy's name? He used to do...

He does the Brazilian accent. His father was my first karate teacher. Eve, not Eve. I'm thinking of Eve. You know what I'm talking about? That guy Eve that comes down sometimes? He's like friends with Tate Fletcher and those guys. No.

It's not him and Mickey Gall. He comes with those guys. Yeah, no, no, no. Not him. No, this guy's one of Eddie's black belts. Wow. He has a show, the little Ronjo the Ronjo. He's a black dude, but he makes believe he's Brazilian.

A capoeira boy, huh? Yeah, he insults everybody. His father was my first black belt. And his father would walk around with a fucking wooden sword and hit you. There was no giggling allowed. That's crazy. And I remember I got kicked in the stomach one time and got the wind knocked out of me. And I'm like, I'm not going back.

And my mom grabbed me. She goes, you don't go back in there. I'm going to kick you in the stomach 50 fucking times. So get back in there. That's no big deal. You got kicked one time. He would make you run on the streets with your gi on barefoot in 1968. So you would be running past all your friends.

And then the next day, you go to school, and your friend's like, hey, karate man, come on. Show us some karate and shit. So then you'd be running past all your friends, and then the next day you'd go to school, and your friend's like, hey, karate man. Yeah. Come on, show us some karate and shit. So then you'd be put on the spot, kind of. You kind of had to respect your art. It was fucked. You had to show your art to your friends, and you had to then, then you decide for yourself,

do I respect my art? Am I going to show it, or what am I going to do in this moment? That's why I love the martial arts so much, because at that time I was so fucked up, but they brought me into something. And I used to get bullied by this kid, Rudy the Haitian. He was a Haitian kid. Yeah, Haitians can be wild, man. It's risky.

50-50 shot every time with a Haitian. And this is the 60s in New York. I don't even know what a Haitian is. Yeah. But the whole neighborhood called him Rudy the Haitian. And he was about my age. And he would beat me up like once a month or whatever. And one day I got the karate down.

I lit this motherfucker up, Jack. I lit him up with kicks. Some fucking double drag, you know? Oh, yeah. I lit him up with kicks. Some fucking double dragon, huh? Oh yeah, I got him with like 20 kicks to the stomach and shit. And then the next time I fought him, his father came downstairs and grabbed my arms and pinned me and let him hit me. And then his father took me upstairs.

As a cheat code. And my mother would wake up in the mornings, take me to school, but my mom would have a bar, so she wouldn't go to bed till four in the morning. So she would do all this shit and then come home and take an afternoon nap and there's one particular day he came upstairs knocked on my mom's door which big mistake yeah my mom opened the door like what's going on he's like the next time your son hits my son i'm gonna hit him and i'm gonna hit you and my mom got a fucking kitchen knife and chased him up the stairs i was like like five. Damn. I was like crying.

Mom's going to get there. And also my mom came down holding a knife, said, that motherfucker will never fuck with you again. And we went inside. But the lady next door had seen everything that went down in the apartment. Everybody on the floor. But it was the 70s. There was no camera.

And Americans shut their fucking mouth. There was no rats. You were not allowed to talk to the police. You were raised not to talk to the police. Yeah. And I'll never forget, like 10 minutes later, the cops knocked on the door, and they had my mom in the hallway. They turned her around.

They were about to arrest her. He kept saying that my mother had a knife, and the little old lady came out with a fucking, what do you call those things? Knitting, probably knitting a cross or something. Rosary beads. Oh, yeah. And she goes, I saw the whole thing. She didn't have a knife.

And that was it. She had a spoon. She was stirring coffee. Isn't that right? And my mom goes, yeah, sí, in Spanish. And the cops were like, all right, let it go. And my mom was telling Rudy's father in Spanish, that while my father, he went, puta, all this shit.

And a week later, Rudy's family moved from the building. We never saw the Haitians again. Wow. Now, with your mom being so tough, was it tough to feel affection from her? Because sometimes, like, my mom's a hard worker, right? My mom delivered, you know, she's a delivery woman. She delivered newspapers when I was a kid. She delivers magazines now.

She's always had a fucking van, you know. Now she's got her husband. He has Alzheimer's. You don't even know he's in the van he's with her every day just fucking bouncing around in the fucking passenger seat she had to get a fucking second seat belt installed for him because he fucking would kind of sleep he's getting little he would slip out of the fucking first one and now she's got him just basically in a fucking straight jacket just bouncing around he has no clue where he is

just delivering fucking news on wheels every day you know i think he's about 90 you know mom still does this mom still does it dude and here's the worst part bro she got a good deal on this van right my mom likes a good deal and she got a good deal on this van has no wind none of the side or back windows bro so her fucking gps is the lord bro so she just fucking bouncing around he's got him in the thing but she's out there delivering all these things man and she just she won't not work you know like i could tell her like look you know i you know i give her some money every month every month but she wouldn't have anything else to do you know it's like her identity but then for me

it was hard to like for me that kind of mom was hard to connect with, you know, because that she just had, you know, she, for me, I looked at my mom as like the mom and the dad. I didn't realize when I was a kid. But, you know, do you find it was tough to like have an emotional, like a mother-son connection when your mom is like such a, has to be such a bravado, you know what I'm saying, kind of? I grew up without a dad. I had a stepdad. My mom was tough. My mom was very tough. In today's world, it would be light abuse.

But I'm thankful. Yeah, same. I'm thankful for everything she did because my mom prepared me for the world. Today, I'm not raising my daughter. I'm preparing my daughter just in case something happens to me. My mom did a great job, but she left a lot of gaps, and that's where the damage came in. Right.

So what I did differently is I write all the damage down. I write for my daughter. So I write every couple days what I'm feeling, what my thoughts are. Kind of like Jax Teller on Sons of Anarchy. Yeah. So if something does happen to you... She knows what's going on.

She has all the fucking answers. She'll never... She'll know the truth. You know, I don't tell my daughter I'm a comedian. I don't show her, because if not, she's going to want to be a fucking comic in front of the stage. Right.

Don't tell them. I don't even... Like the pre-K teacher the other day said, have your daddy help you write it, but it's got to want to be a fucking comic in front of the stage. Right. Don't tell them. I don't even, like the pre-K teacher the other day said, have your daddy help you write it, but it's got to be clean. I don't want that shit. Don't tell her because it's going to be all right for her to be the class clown. Right. I don't want her to be the class clown.

Yeah. My mom dog made me fight. My mom brought a girl home for me the first time. What the fuck? To this day, I can look you guys both in the eye, and I don't even know if I fucked her. I think I passed out from fear. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I came on a girl once and just fucking lied about it. Then I got so scared, I fucking left out of my own window in my room. I was too embarrassed to walk through my own fucking house. It was a party at my house, and I just fucking left, bro. And there's all these people just driving silently up and down the street fucking singing in their cars, and I'm like, this is a fucking crazy left, bro. And there's all these people just driving silently up and down the street, fucking singing in their cars. And I'm like, this is a fucking crazy world, man. Do I sound like I got a little bit of flavor up in my throat?

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About to have me a little pawful. The Legend Collection just dropped, and you can see one just landed right on my head. This is a hood hat. And these hats are specific, man. You want a hat now that represents your block, your field, your alley, your neighborhood. And that's what these are. This one says Death Valley from Clemson. Clemson.

And that is with the Clemson colors, that orange and that purple. You can get Death Valley for LSU as well. You can get Jordan Hare for you Auburn Tiger fans. Davis Wade, the hat says Davis Wade for Mississippi State. They got one that just says Blacksburg for Va Tech. Big House for Michigan.

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or follow him on Instagram at hoodhatusa. Get that hat off. It's a fucking crazy world, man. And what we do, like think of the world our head lives in. Have you ever thought of what we do have you ever gone to an open mic and seen a bunch of guys that are in it for four years and it takes you right back to it and going like damn what made me stick with this yeah with this abuse at the four-year mark you're not really a feature you You're starting to emcee.

Your home club hates you. Your friends go to Montreal. You're not going to Montreal. Oh, that's the worst. You know, it's all these emotions that most people can't hang. Listen, I've been here 27 years. I've seen a ton of people come, and I've seen a ton of people go. I've seen people that I've gone to gigs with that have conversations.

They love comedy. This is what they do. And a year later, I go to a commercial audition, and there they are in there with a camera going, well, you know, it was a little on the tough side. And you're like, what are you talking about? We just did a gig together, and you were telling me how. Yeah.

This is what I do yeah this is what i do this is what we do yeah it chooses you after a while i think this sport too like comedy just chooses you like um i don't even know like i don't even feel when i get up anymore in the on the stage anymore like i'm trying to make them laugh i just feel like this is what i have to do to get through the day or the week. It's just like part of the week. It's almost like getting out of bed and making coffee or something. I used to feel up there like I was in this moment where like, okay, I got to – let's see how this works and let's see how this works.

And now I feel like I can finally just kind of be up there. Did you start to notice that as you got along in it? The goal in the end is almost just to kind of get to the way you are in in front of your friends like you joke around in front of your friends but when you get on stage it's this different pressure but eventually it all comes all the way back around where the whole crowd just feels like you're in front of your friends you know what i'm saying just think of this word of words i'm sorry the journey of emotion how long have you been doing comedy for 15 so in those 15 years i want you to think where your emotions were before you went on stage when you started, where your emotions were when you get on stage now.

It's fucking two different fucking worlds. Now, three months ago, I could look you both in the face when you came to see me in Vegas, and I'm going to tell you, motherfuckers, I was damaged goods because it happens. This is the human brain. And sometimes our brain gets fucking fried in between everything. Not to mention the reefer, not to mention being a father,

not to mention a thousand variables. But guess what? Motherfucker, I'm back now. Yeah. Comedy-wise, I'm back because I got lost. I watched John Mulaney and I thought I wanted to be John Mulaney, who's a great fucking comic.

Yeah. Great writer. But guess what? I'll never be John Mulaney, who's a great fucking comic. Yeah. Great writer. But guess what? I'll never be John Mulaney, and I'll never be Theo Vaughn. Yeah. And guess what's even better? Theo Vaughn will never be John Mulaney. He'll never be Joe Diaz.

Why? Because he's fucking Theo Vaughn. Yeah. And Joe Diaz is Joe Diaz. And you know what? Once I put that together, like, I'm brand new again. Yeah. Like, I feel like I'm 20 fucking eight now when I go on stage.

Like, now you got a fucking problem. Last night, I ate up that main room. You're in the room, I got my ass kicked. You know what I'm saying? You can't win every fight. You know what I'm saying? The main room, I fucking came out there last night. If I would have had a Xanax at the seven-minute mark,

I would have had to take it. Because I could feel my heart ready to jump out of my chest. And that's what comedy is all about. Yeah. When you still feel that my chest. And that's what comedy is all about. When you still feel that in your balls, that's what it's all about. For months I wasn't feeling it. The business part got to me. Yeah, the business part is scary. The business part sucks dick.

The fucking numbers and this and that and the tickets. You know what? I don't give a fuck. You don't want to come see me? Don't fucking come see me. I'm still going to do what I do on stage. I'm going to be crazier than ever. Crazier than ever.

I don't give a fuck about society or how fucking what you can say and what you can't say. That's got nothing to do with me, bro. I'm a comic. And I'm sick and fucking tired of what's going on. No more safety net. Yeah. You know, I was making excuses up to you. I'm not going to the comedy store no more because I can't work out new material.

Too bad. Work it out at the comedy store. Work it out. If you bomb, you bomb. That's what Mitchie Shore intended that place to be. But in my head, I'm like, well, they pay $25. I can't bomb.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I got to take a chance on the fucking tightrope. If not, I just become a comedic robot. And that's what I was becoming. A comedic scared robot. No, man. No. No more. If I'm in the middle of a bit

and I think of something that happened, I'm dropping it. And if I forget the bit, so be it. So be it. I'm going where my mind takes me now. My balls are connected to my heart, are connected to my brains, and that's it from now on. I'm 55.

What do I got? Five, six years left to do comedy before you're too old and ugly to get on stage and people are like, Joey, let it go. You know what I'm saying? My mom will drive you to fucking gigs for the rest of your life. I am so over comedy now. The Netflix special, all that stuff, I shed like the snake skin. I'm like, I'm done.

There is this skin that comes in with the industry that it's like, it's not cool for guys like us. No, no, no, no, no. It's not your thing. Don't fucking tell me what to say. Don't tell me what not to fucking say. Number two, I went, bro, and I went and I bought every piece over the year, the last couple of years. You know, with the podcast, we have great families that we've developed.

Oh, yeah. They know my love for comedy. So people started bringing me albums, Bob Newhart albums. Oh, wow. And fucking Lenny Bruce live from Carnegie Hall. And fucking they brought me all the Richard Pryor albums, the good one, Bicentennial Nigger. The good one, Something I Said.

Or, you know, The Nigger's Crazy. Those are raw Richard Pryor. Wow. And I forced myself to put them back on turntable. Fuck, fuck videos. Yeah. Fuck watching fucking specials anymore. Think about it in your head.

Put it on video. Look how they did it. They would do a tour and tape the bit the best way it came out. You could hear the bit end, and then it would start all over again. So the albums were brilliant. Why aren't we doing that? Yeah. Why aren't we doing that?

I don't want a special ever again. Yeah. Ever again do I want to shoot a special. From now on, it's just out. Yeah. I want you to listen. I want them to hear the glasses. I want them to hear the fucking breathing.

I want them. That's what comedy is to me yeah the specials they forgot how to shoot them oh 100 they forgot a bunch of fucking go look at lenny bruce everybody tries to be avant-garde now they're showing you the audience they want to show you fire that just show the stand-up from the waist to the head doing stand-up yeah don't show me the fucking audience because i like i want's special. He was bombing. The audience wasn't laughing. Yeah.

And you could hear this laughter. If you laugh, you go like this. You move back and forth when you laugh. This audience was stiffened and fucked. Yeah. And you could hear the laugh track. You know, Netflix is about to drop, what, 47 new specials? That means nobody's going to get to watch them.

We're all going to be caught in a mess. Yeah, what are we are we gonna do it's almost like netflix doesn't even care if people watch them it's just that they want to say that they own it you know i'm saying it's in a weird way a lot of networks have become like and i'm not likening this to slavery at all but they've become that's what it's almost about it's like how can I own a piece of this person as opposed to like, how can I push this art? You know, like I find that with some, it's just like, I don't know. It just, sometimes I'm like, I want to be freer than that. You know, I want to be like even you know fighter and the kid guys and you know to be able to be friends with guys like you and and joe and um and you know just becoming better friends with some of these guys where it's like i feel like we're in this free space you know it's like we don't have to dude i hated for years man i used to not be able to be myself in this town man and it made me feel like where you know there was something here that made me feel like where I would,

like I had to like try and act like the second best friend on a sitcom or something, and it was just, man, I just hated it. And I hated just. Fuck you and the fucking horse. You know what the best thing somebody says to you is? Be yourself. Yeah. And we never understand what that is.

What's be myself mean? Exactly what I just told you. Yeah. You just told you. Yeah. You just said it. The goal of comedy is to appear to them like you're talking to your friends. Yes. When I talk to my friends, what do I talk about? And they love it.

Do I talk about intelligence stuff? Do I try to make believe I'm intelligent? No. No. I talk about the filthiest, whatever the fuck is on my mind. You talk about whatever. Some shit is racist. I'm not racist.

Yeah. Some shit, you got to say it with color. Or if not, it's not going to fucking come the fuck out, right? Yeah. You know, some shit. We're living in this. Don't come to the show. Yeah.

You know what, man? When I came here 20 years ago, I really, really, really wanted to be on TV. We all do. But now, after you do this, and we have this freedom, really? You want to go work at CBS and have somebody come up to you and go, excuse me, but the word is the instead of and? Does it

make a difference? Ain't nobody watching this shitty fucking show anyway. Does it make a difference whether I say and or the? They pay some lady to come up to you and tell you, oh, the word is car. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? It's ridiculous, so.

Yeah, it's ridiculous, bro. You know, that's why I always looked at comics early on. When in the 70s and 80s and 90s, a lot of comics ended up in rehab that were on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fighting it with yourself. It's a comic. A real comic should have a hard time on network TV. Yes.

Well, I mean, I just had a lunch with an executive the other day. He's a friend of mine, and we were talking about that. I said, well, y'all get so many fucking writers and give them these shows. These people aren't entertainers. Like, I wouldn't watch half these fucking, you know, they're not even real. They're just writers. Like, why do y'all keep putting writers in front of cameras? Like, I'd rather watch, you You know like that girl Punky Johnson

That works at the comedy store Black girl in the kitchen with the long dreads Hardcore fucking lesbian bro You know what I'm saying She's so lesbian Two years she's gonna fucking just sprout a cock You know what I'm saying She's ready to party you know

But I would watch her She's only been doing comedy maybe five or six years right She's from Louisiana I'd watch her more than I'd watch some fucking writer Just because she's at least a I just used her as an example She's a thing, she's entertaining That's one thing I like about Sebastian

At least Sebastian's fucking entertaining Sebastian's very entertaining You watch him and you see a show And that's what I try to do from time to time. Oh, yeah. No, I think you do a great job of it. My wife calls it when I become white, when I try to become a writer. Yeah.

When I try to write jokes like all the great writers, that's where I fail. That ain't us. That ain't us. They want us to go up there and be what's in our hearts, what's in our soul. And you know what? Half of it you're not gonna agree with. But that's what comedy's about. Comedy is how my world collides with the real world.

That's what should come out of your mouth. What's going on in the real world and what's going on in my world? Like, in your mind, those poor Filipinos, poor Thai kids who were in there, stuck. In my mind, that coach is Sandusky. He was gonna take them to the cave, fuck them in the ass, and

kill that motherfucker. He was going to figure out what to do with the bicycles. He hadn't planned that yet. But he was going to kill those fucking kids. He was trying to figure out how to hide 30 bird scooters. Yeah. He took the apostles down to a cave. What are you going to look at a cave? What's in a cave? A bat. He was going to fuck those kids. It took

Marines to get them out of there. He was going to fuck those kids and leave them down there. 2,000 years from now, some fucking guy was going to fuck those kids. It took Marines to get them out of there. He was going to fuck those kids and leave them down there. 2,000 years from now, some fucking guy was going to find 12 little fucking Thai kids' skeletons with all their assholes fucked up. Yeah, at a Penn State University hieroglyphics on the wall. Sandusky Jr. and shit. That's fucked up. That's what we see. That's what comedy is.

Right. So stop letting comedy, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. The political circle. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's dead. is. Right. So stop letting comedy, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. The political circle. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's dead. It's dead.

It's a comedy. If you go up there with a political joke, I don't want to hear you no more. Because that's the first thing I see on the news the first 10 minutes. Yeah. And it's just, Americans are sick of it. It's hatred. It's hatred. It's pure hatred.

I don't want to be a part of that at all. I don't either. At all. I don't want to be a part. I'm so happy I'm a felon. Yeah. I can't tell you how happy I'm a felon. I'm not responsible for none of this shit. I will never vote. I don't want to be part. I'm so happy I'm a felon. Yeah. I can't tell you how happy I'm a felon. I'm not responsible for none of this shit. I will never vote.

I don't want to be responsible. I'm a half a felon. That's hilarious. I got a gun. Yeah. I got a couple guns hidden. I got one at the comedy store. I just planted one at the comedy store. Oh, I love that. Oh, in case things get dangerous. That used to be my, I used to just get, you've got to go to any, we have gun control.

I get your gun in 10 minutes. I go down to any handball court. You look for a little guy that looks Puerto Rican and Jewish, you call him over. He's got a.22 that I don't miss. And he'll buy it back after you kill him, motherfucker. He's like a walking pawn shop. Tell him what you did to true. Listen, I shot three guys with this.

They didn't miss. I shot one guy in the head. He'll buy it right back. What'd you pay? What'd you give me, 50? I'll give you 48 for it. And he'll take the gun back and you just can't get caught with that gun. You'll be charged with 18 murders.

I got that gun in a baggie behind the fucking counter. I got a gun with a silencer hidden in my own building, an old school silencer. I got to go grease it from time to time to fucking make sure. Dude, I want to hide some guns, bro.

That's a great idea. I started buying some hot guns and just started fucking hiding. I love that. Just in case people get fucking frog sure. Dude, I want to hide some guns, bro. That's a great idea. I started buying some hot guns and just started fucking hiding. I love that. Just in case people get fucking froggy at the store, you need a couple of them. I'm trying to get Oh my God, I watched that fucking thing on A&E about the making of Scarface.

Oh shit, and how that scene with the end took three weeks. First of all, when they got there, the set went on fire. Like, they had the worst luck in the world with that movie. Really? It was supposed to be a two-month shoot, and it ended up being a 10-month shoot. Where'd they shoot it at?

They shot half in Miami, then the Cubans threw them out. Then they finished it up here by the 405. Wow. Like, the mother's house is by the airport and all that shit. The tent city is where the 405, where they shot Heat. That's Tent City. But they shot the last scene, and that machine gun he had is like something like a fucking monster.

So they had to figure out how to get the gun fire to come up on the screen, and they showed all that shit. But what they didn't tell you is that the rounds were hot. And one time, Al Pacino fell on the rounds and it burned his leg to a third degree burn, so they had to cancel the movie again for two weeks. They had to shoot all the out, the Colombians getting shot. Wow.

Fucking brilliant shit. Yeah. Then they got an X rating. Oh, and they said they couldn't put it in theaters. Couldn't put it in theaters. And then they had to fight the X rating. And then they released the movie as a Christmas movie. No.

Scarface came out. Can you check and see what was the release date? Bells will be ringing. The actual, people were going to the movies and going, that ain't a fucking Christmas movie. Like, Rudolph's been doing coke, bro. Fucking Blitzen just bought an 8-Ball. Dude, you remember the little guy that's a comedian that was in there? December 9th, 1983.

Jesus. Can you imagine that? I saw the commercial. I was living in Aspen. And it didn't reach up there. It had gotten. They were talking. Al Pacino said that at the premiere for the critics,

that they started walking out at the 30-minute mark in chunks. And he just kept sinking in his chair from the embarrassment. He thought it was going to bomb? Yeah, it was a bomb. People were fucking attacking him, Brian De Palma, Universal, saying it was the worst thing they've ever seen in their life. The hottest show is Dynasty or something. Oh, wow.

I can see that. She showed up. Oh, really? Victoria, whatever, the real pretty older woman. And they interviewed her. They said, what did you think of the movie? She goes, well, I left at the 100th fuck. Wow.

I think 100 fucks is enough for a person in a lifetime. There was 4,400 fucks in that movie. Oh, my God. They counted them, 4,400 fucks. They could play that at a wedding, I feel like. And then what happened was the movie bombed, but the VCR, it came out in February, and it just blew up the movie,

and now the movie's in the top 10 all-time sales. Even though the movie ate a bag of dicks in the fucking box office, once it hit DVR, I still remember going to a friend of mine's house. Did you see it at the theater on DVR, on VCR first? Brother, the movie came out December 9th, 83. I was living in Aspen.

I got off the plane February 1st, 1984, and as I got into my buddy's car, he looked at me and he goes, have you seen Scarface yet? And I go, no. I saw the commercial. We went right to this movie theater in Seacock. It's called Harmon Cove. Right there. Right by the Newark airport. Like 20 minutes from Newark. I didn't go home. I didn't unload.

It was the matinee. It was like the 2 o'clock movie. And we couldn't even sit together. It was sold out. We couldn't even sit together. It was that sold out. And at that time it was picking up momentum. It was time, it was picking up momentum. It was February, and it started picking up momentum. And then I went.

When it came out of VCR, I still remember, like, Theo, you would call me and go, come over Friday. We're picking up 4A balls. I'm going to have a case of booze. And we would sit there from Friday night at 11 after Miami Vice. We would go out after Miami Vice and then go back to your house at about 2 or 3 broads. And we would snort coke and watch Scarface and Godfather 2 the whole weekend. Damn.

And every time they'd do a line, we'd do a line. Wow. Like that type of shit. Shit is making my dick wet, bro. Oh, yeah. Those were the good old days. But you can't do that shit no more. Can't do it. Thank God. Look, your life has changed.

Yeah. You're a completely different person. You don't have the social issues you had anymore. That's true. It was all the drugs. See, now I have the social anxiety. I get the social anxiety when I go to the store, but it's been a lot better lately. Has it been? Yeah.

Do you, um, when you think about, oh, there's one thing I was just, oh, do you remember Angel Salazar? Did you ever work with him? All the time. One of my idols. One of the guys that helped me the most. I bumped into Angel.

And Angel Salazar, people don't know, he was. Chi-Chi. Yeah, Chi-Chi. In Scarface. Pacino met him at the thing. 1993, I'm a struggling comic. I'm confused about comedy. I don't know nothing about comedy.

I'm just telling people I'm a comedian. I'm getting up on stage. I'm just dying, bombing dicks. And I go into Hell's Kitchen to cop a bag of Coke because I was working on 57th and like 12th Avenue. I was selling cars at a Jeep place. And from there, I would walk through Hell's Kitchen and go to Port Authority. And one day, it's like July of 93, and I'm walking through Hell's Kitchen.

And who do I see in front of a building but Angel Salazar. Wow. And at this time, I knew he was a stand-up. I knew he was a comedy store guy. And he'd been in Scarface. He had been in Scarface. And he was Cuban. Yeah.

And I went up to him and I go, I'm Cuban. I want to be a comic. And he shook my hand. And he took the time to be my friend. And he gave me a fly to come see his show. And I went. And i was blown away and then he got me an audition for an improv troupe at uh the copacabana and i just ate a bag i remember paying like 15 to park and i had like 13 and quarters and going in there and they like give us three impersonations and me like making believe I'm a junkie.

Two of them were yourself. Oh, I was just horrible. I had no idea. I would call him and ask him for advice from time to time, and he would give me a little advice from time to time. Then I started working with him, and he is one of the all-time pissers. I mean, he is really a cocaine savage. Cowboy, yeah.

He's one of the only people that went on the church and did a package in front of Lee, and Lee's face turned fucking red. Wow. That's the only way I can get him on the podcast. If I got him, we came to town. He was staying with Stephen Bauer, Manolo in Scarface. Oh, yeah. He stays with him when he comes to town, Wow. And it's right by the office.

They're right by the office. You know, when you come to my podcast, you could throw a rock to where Stephen Bauer lives. Wow. So I had the only way. I saw Angel at the store, and he's like, put me in your podcast, bro. So I kept calling him. He's hard to wake up in the morning. Yeah, yeah.

So we had to do it like at 10 o'clock at night, and I had to get coke from like an old coke dealer that i knew was fucking coke from the 70s yeah some good stuff that's how i got him in there and he would go off camera and do little bumps and lee kept looking at me like like lee that's that was like lee's second year in the in the podcast business but the funniest i, I have a thousand angel stories. I mean, we used to work in El Paso, bro. I can't even imagine. Dealers would knock on the door. Everybody wants to give that guy blow.

It is hilarious. Do you think that part of that kind of like, like sometimes you live, you have to, you become a role. Oh, no, no. He'll tell you. It's crazy. He's gotten laid from it. I mean, it's never stopped. One of crazy. He's gotten laid from it. Oh, yeah.

It's never stopped. One of the funniest stories I ever heard was he did Rochester a couple years ago. In New York? Yeah, the Rochester. Yeah, I love it up there. That club. I love Rochester, bro. That little walk. Brother Wee's up there, the radio.

Dude, I love it. Brother Wee's is the best. Dude. Brother Wee's is the best. He did the early show Saturday and then he told them that he was going to take a nap in between shows. And they knocked on the door. Nothing.

They knocked. Nothing. They kicked the door down. Angel's passed out. He's bleeding from his nose. They get him up. They finally gave him coffee and he went up there and he bombed. And then he passed out again. They put him in his car and left him there. And he kept saying that they roofied me, man.

Hello. His opening line is, hello, where's my Spanish people? Where is my Colombians? He always goes, where's my Puerto Ricans? Where's my Dominicans? Where's my Colombians? I want to talk to you later. Once they said they raised their hand at Colombians, my Colombians? I want to talk to you later. Once they said that, raise their hand, they're Colombians.

He'd say, I want to talk to you later. Bro, we used to get fucked up. The rumor is he don't even sleep. He just hangs in his closet. Oh, yeah. Upside down. On the road, when he comes in, like we would work El Paso together. Yeah.

First thing he does is he shuts all the windows. Oh, that's coke time. Puts aluminum foil on the glass. You know, I mean, he means together. Yeah. First thing he does is he shuts all the windows. Oh, that's coke time. Puts a little bit of fall on the glass. You know, I mean, he means business. Damn. And he'll go all five nights. Like, I haven't worked with him now. It's got to be 12 years.

That's a hard. Dude, the thing I hated about doing drugs, man, you know what's so funny is last night, man, you know, my thing now sometimes if I get lonely by myself and stuff, I'm by myself, I'll end up watching pornography or something, and I'll shut the blinds and shit because I ain't jerking off with the fucking blinds open, like some kind of, like a fucking camp counselor. You know what I'm saying, bro? So I closed shop up, but then this morning I got up and the lights coming against the blinds and it reminded me of all those times i wake up if i was high on cocaine because you've been up all night so you wake up it's like fucking noon and the blinds are closed and the fucking lights just like and just i hated

that man i hated waking up with my blinds i like to have my blinds in my living room and stuff open now so it's like i wake up the day's right there meet me in the living room you know it's like i hated those days when everything was like you were hiding all day begging people for gatorade on the internet bring over some gatorade like i don't even fucking know you trying to meet bitches on tinder just to get them to bring gatorade over bro it's crazy how cocaine and comedy could go hand in hand you know and i'm doing comedy 27 years, 28 years. I haven't done coke in 11 years this year. That meant for 17 years it felt like I cheated on comedy. Yeah.

It was the weirdest thing because I would never do it before I went on stage. But it would be in my pocket, burning a hole in my pocket. Yeah. And I would go right from the original room. People would be, hey, great set. Yeah, good, right. I would go right from the original room. People would be, hey, great set. Yeah, good, right. I would go right to the bathroom.

Me too. And do two bumps. Then it'd be okay. Yeah. If I had another spot, I wouldn't do it. Yeah. I would do it. I would have that Coke.

That Coke had to be in my pocket at 8 o'clock or I would fall apart at the seams. Yeah. And I would put it in my little drug pocket. Yeah. And it would stay there unbothered and a little baggy waterproof in case the fucking rain came. In case the floods came. In my little drug pocket. Yeah. And it would stay there unbothered and a little baggy, waterproof in case the fucking rain came. In case the floods came.

In case something got biblical. Yeah. In case it still break out. Yeah. In case Louisiana all over again. I'm on a tire floating, waving at the airport. Fucking I'm here, cocksucker. Dude, how great would that be?

You're on the news. They're like showing you. You're just down there doing coke and they're waving at the helicopters. down there doing coke and they're waving at the helicopters. How many videos are there of the news during Katrina where there's just a bunch of brothers just blowing a fucking blunt and they fucking couldn't put it on?

And just yelling up, you can't stop me, bitches. Yeah. Who the fuck would even have a blunt? That was terrible and it's going to happen again. Yeah. You know like this year, the storms are getting stronger and fucking stronger every year. Well, I think Mother Nature doesn't like some of the stuff that we got going on sometimes.

I don't think she likes some of the energy. And look, she's a fucking tough lady. She's a hardworking woman, man. She'll correct it when she needs to, you know. It's wild, bro. But yeah, I'm so grateful for you, man. I just appreciate you always being cool with me, man, and being supportive, bro. I'm so grateful for you, man. I just appreciate you always being cool with me, man, and being supportive, bro.

How can I not? My father's from Nicaragua. You know that? Yeah, I know. That's why he had you at 74. Them spics don't never stop fucking. They don't give a fuck. They'll fuck on Social Security and everything. Spanish people don't fuck on Social Security. They don't give a fuck. Listen, we get $128 a month.

We'll make it work. You know what I'm saying? I'll take care of them. Dude, what if one day, what if I could learn Spanish, okay? Okay. And maybe five, eight years from now, we did like a Central American tour, like a fundraiser or something down there. Would you do what you think? Well, I got no passport.

Oh, yeah. I don't want to stir the fucking pot, man. I got a lot of skeletons in that closet. Oh, yeah. In that passport closet, there's a lot of skeletons in that closet. Oh, yeah. In that passport closet, there's a lot of skeletons. Why get Trump pissed off at anybody? That's true. I got in.

I'm good. I don't need to go anywhere. That's great. You want to go to fucking England? That's great. I can't do shit, but it's good that you learn Spanish anyway. Yeah, I want to learn it. It's good that you learn the language anyway.

My dad used to talk it all the time when I was young, man. I loved hearing him talk it. Listen, man, the only language that don't help you is fucking Latin. But you take Latin if you're a genius. You're going to be like an engineer or something like that. Yeah. But just, you know, it's like when you become an attorney. I was telling Rogan, if you go to UCLA tomorrow and go, I want to become an attorney,

a lot of your pericnics is math because they're teaching you how to solve problems. Right. So you're going to go, why am I learning all this fucking math? Well, I'm going to get into law. So, yeah, you're a history major, but you're going to have to do a ton of math work because it just adds up to that shit. I don't even know why we got on this.

No, it's good. I mean, it's like, yeah, I think about Latin. Sometimes it helps you just kind of know words immediately. You know, when I first started out in college, I wanted to do Latin and do all of this shit, and then, like, halfway in, I fucking thought I was going to be out. I got a job I first started out in college, I wanted to do Latin and do all of this shit, and then, like, halfway in, I fucking thought I was going to be, I got a job as a busboy in Tucson, and I thought I was going to be

the best fucking busboy in the world. That was my goal at one point. I was like, I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be bussing in fucking London, bussing tables. Like, I had these dreams. Are you serious? You were a busboy in Tucson? Yeah. Yeah, dude, I used to live, my mom used to live off of Gulf Links, off, like, on East Pantano,

like way out there on the east side. In Tucson, Arizona? Yeah. Because I went to college there. The guy kidnapped was in Tucson. Really? Oh, really? He was in Tucson.

I call him. It's not a guy, Sam Fox. It's not, Fox isn't his name, is it? No, no, no, no, no, Vela. Because they had a guy, Fox, that used to work for Rocket, fucking kidnapped that dude. But he was also kind of cool, too. Tucson used to have one of the craziest comedy rooms of all time. It was called Bugsy's. Yeah?

On Tuesday nights, you had to give them a bug to get in. Uh-uh. Yeah. A real bug? A bug. Rudy Moreno used to book the room. If you showed up with a bug, they let you in for free. Oh, dude. Oh, my God. The guy that ran the place had to weigh 900 pounds. He had like eight necks, but he had cocaine that would make you go fucking

blind. That was all cortisol in his neck from doing coke. It was hilarious. He had the best coke in the world. I love blind. That was all cortisol in his neck from doing coke. It was hilarious. He had the best coke in the world. I love that. It was $1.50 for the night, and there was three comics. We all got paid the same. Guess who I remember going down there with like my second or third time,

and he got divergenized? Mencia. Fluffy. Really? That's how young Gabriel was. Wow. We took him down there one time, and he came back. He was pale.

He was like, man, I got my dick sucked. He was like 18, hanging out with Uncle Joey and shit. That's when Southwest used to have the seats that would face you. Oh, yeah. Remember those? That was so much fun. What happened to that? I'll tell you what happened. I went to Chicago in 2001, and that's when the breath strips were out with the THC.

Oh, yeah. So they would stick together. And one day I ate a breath strip, and I thought it was one, but it was like nine of them. And I got on that plane. That's when they had a direct flight from Chicago to Burbank. Did you know that one time? Uh-uh. Southwest had a—no, I'm lying to you.

It went from Burbank to Vegas to Chicago. So you could work a club on the south side. It wouldn't land at the main Chicago airport. It would land at Midway. Midway. Yeah. So you could go from Burbank. What the fuck story was I going to tell you?

Southwest, you're going to go there. Gabriel, you said Gabriel. You took one. On the way back. That Gabriel, you said Gabriel. You took one. On the way back. That could be your next special. I took one. It was nine. It was like me, Gabe.

I'll never forget. It was like me, Gabe, Martin Moreno. It had to be like eight comics he brought in for this little festival. Yeah. This club's not even open no more. It was on the south side. Tremendous across from the White Castle next to a Steak and Shake. We used to get fucking stoned.

I remember getting on the plane and eating the edible. And it was me, like Martin and Gabriel. And we were sitting across from three, like, old women. And all of a sudden, the edible started hitting me, right? And I'm 380. I'm fucking huge at the time. Really? That must have been miserable.

Oh, I had to be 380, 370. Dude, I can't tell you. You went to jail and you had to live in that body? That's fucking two sentences. No, no. When I went to jail, I was in good shape. Yeah. It was when I, this is like 10 years ago. 15 years. I'll never forget taking my shirt off. And the sweat was pouring down me and these

little old ladies were just looking at the floor and there I am fucking sweating. Another time I went to Delta on a red eye and I took an edible. I got so hungry I ate a pack of cinnamon certs. And that's a mistake, dog. Don't ever eat a pack of cinnamon certs, the whole thing. Cinnamon makes you sweat like a motherfucker.

Really? Dog, I started sweating on the plane. There was a little gay guy next to me, and he had little lenses, and he was asleep. You know how gay people put those little things on their eyes? I had to take my shirt off. There I am in first class with the blanket up to my stomach. My tits are out.

You could feel the beads. I remember getting off the plane in Miami the next morning, and my pants were fucking wet. And the waitress, the stewardess, was just walking the halls, looking at me and giving me a water. She knew how fucked up I was. Dude, my buddy and his brother used to get so fucked up on coke in Miami, then they'd go up to the hotel room, put on diapers, bro,

because they kept shitting themselves, and just go back down to the fucking dance floor, just partying with diapers full of shit, bro, just dancing. And they could dance, bro. I mean, these boys could fucking dance. But who wants to dance with somebody who smells like shit? But I think they massed. And you stopped moving.

That shit stopped shaking. Oh, it got me a little bit low, bro. Bro, I used to get Coked up with a dude That's what it's like To be I think They were Latinos For sure

I used to get Coked up with a dude That used to put A string on his wrist And the string Would go to the doorknob So if he tried To open the doorknob

His string But I used to get high With some crazy people Yeah I used to get high With his brother Who was bald And his brother, who was bald. And his brother would be talking to you, like we'd be doing coke.

Like, yeah, yeah. And also he'd go. You're like, what? And he'd go. And he'd smack himself, because he kept thinking flies were going to be on his head. He would smack himself 80 fucking times a night. Damn. And we would laugh at every fucking time.

And after he'd smack himself, he'd go. Oh, yeah. Bro, he used to put balloons. He lived on the 34th floor. I had another friend, Kurt. He's dead now. Rest in peace. Good dude.

He used to get so paranoid that he would put little parachutes on his cocaine so if the cops came, he would throw it out the window and little parachutes would fly. I mean, that's the shit that was the 80s. God, the 80s is good, bro. Fucking craziness how that shit just took over. Everything was so much fun back then. I feel like there was so much more mystery and intrigue when I was growing up than there is now.

Now, there's not a lot of ton of room for even your imagination because everything is, you don't have to wonder anything. There's no, like back in the day, a rumor. The rumor was one of the most popular forms of information. I remember rumors was like- I remember the rumor that Richard Gigg got caught with a mouse in his ass yeah in san francisco like for years like i never like my friend was a surgeon yeah he was on the he cut his ass open yeah but i remember dude i would start shit i remember going on camping trips and we the day we would leave i'd be like you know jay leno died and i would be like

no fucking way and we'd be out in the woods for a week and everybody would think that jay leno died and i knew he didn't do it and we would have these fucking things and we'd talk stay up at night talking about you know the tonight show and shit like that and then they get back you're like he wasn't dead and i remember people be like that's psychotic to do that remember when chuck liddell was the king of the world yeah well one day eddie bravo's having dinner with eddie with with dana white and you know how eddie Eddie Bravo's a big Fidel Castro fan. Is he really? Yeah.

Dude, Fidel came and spoke to me one time. I went to Cuba once. Did he really speak to you? When fucking Fidel died, I called him up and I go, Eddie, do you know Fidel died? He thought I said Liddell. He looks at Dana White. He goes, Chuck Liddell's dead. I'll call you back.

When did you go to Cuba? I was a student. We went there, and then they had a big thing at the university in Havana. And then Fidel came and spoke to our students, just our group. It was like five hours. They had this thing we had to listen to so we could hear what was going on. He was an interpreter. I think horse meat in the other room.

People in there fucking getting a little bit of cut of horse and they're fucking putting it in their jaw. People are outside just partying and drinking. They served alcohol at it and they had an interpreter. Yeah. And he just basically just told us how great, basically a lot of numbers about how good Cuba was. It's like literally for four hours he spoke.

He wouldn't shut up. It was like giving him a line of Coke. Yeah. You could never shut that motherfucker up. You know, on Sundays, he would hold like these things, and he would talk for eight hours about the numbers of the country. Yeah. What's going on?

What's going on in Russia? What's going on in the United States? He was very intelligent. Yeah. You'd have to sit there and applaud. Oh, really? Yeah, you'd have to sit there and pay attention and applaud yeah the balcony was all cute yeah they'd be watching you should to make sure that you know it was fun

man we had so much fun in the city man we went to a baseball game um and what else did we do we just oh i remember we're walking around just hanging out you know drinking you know havana club you know or whatever you know people what year is this this know, or whatever, you know, people. What year is this? This is 2002. So just walking around, and there's some people hanging out in an alley that are kind of dancing and partying a little bit. So we go over there, and we think it's like a family. It's like a birthday cake and stuff. So we're singing, you know, cumpleaños.

Everybody's having a nice time. We think, oh, we're in a different country. We're celebrating some guy's birthday. Then one of the dudes at the birthday starts eating this lady out. We're like, these are escorts. We didn't know. We thought it was a family. We're all dancing with these fucking ladies.

We think it's a grandmother at a fucking birthday party. Next thing you know, one of the guys goes down with the lady's waist a little low and fucking starts eating her pussy right there. We're like, what the fuck, bro? Welcome to Cuba. Yeah, this shit is fucking awesome.

I was talking to somebody the last week. I went to a party and there was boats. Next thing you know, there was a girl fucking a guy on a boat. I didn't know what to do. Get in there. Jump in or fucking call 911. What the fuck is wrong with you? Get in there.

Don't just stand there. Don't just stand there. You're going to stand there and let somebody get that dick sucked. At least go and put a finger in their ass and work it. At least cheer for them. My buddy! We got some calls and stuff that came in. Joe, you mind if we jump to

a couple of them? We got some calls and questions that came in. Let's hit some of the fan lines that came in. These are some live-raised fan lines that came in. Hey guys, Luke here. Yeah, let's hit some fan lines that came in. These are some live-raised fan lines that came in. Hey, guys. Luke here. Content, you're from Spain.

Joey, how do you reckon Theo would handle himself in the streets of New Jersey when you were growing up? How do you think he'd do? I'm not saying he's a pussy or anything, but he doesn't seem to be dealing with those putters over firing the kid very well. What was the question? He said, how do you think Theo would do in the streets of New Jersey when you were growing up?

And you can be honest. Perfectly, because you had a sense of humor. Oh, wow. You either had to be tough or you had to be funny. I wasn't tough, but I was funny. Yeah. And I had a heart and balls, and I could steal, so they left me alone. I think I could definitely check at least three of those boxes.

You could make somebody laugh. Yeah, people love that. People love that shit. Dude, that's one of the things that always I feel like acclimated like when i it was easy for me to acclimate sometimes around black culture in my area because you know a lot of us were on the same kind of financial level you know they had more like generational you know deficit i think because just you know generation after generation of being black in the South was really tough. Very tough. Very tough. Just tough. Very tough being black anyway. When I came from Cuba, I learned about-

Did they have black people there? In Cuba? Yeah. That's where black people were invented. Oh, wow. I mean, look at half of Cuba. Half of them are my color. Yeah, they got that more-

And the other half, they look like Julius Irving. Yeah. Because they were brought over with the slaves, and then mixed into the culture. Yeah. When you're Cuban, when you take a DNA test, you're not going to like the results if you're white. You're not really going to like the results. But I know the results because I grew up there.

I know the people. My mom was like you, but her brother has kinky hair, and it's like cat blood. I have two cats that the siamese they're brothers one looks like a siamese the other looks like a leopard because every eight generations that leopard blood comes out with the spots wow you know my other sister my sister same mother same father my sister's dark really yeah my son's beautiful. That's cool. My cousins, they have the band in Cuba, Emi and Eki Alfonso. Emi, the sister, is dark.

Eki, who was on Anthony Bourdain when he goes to Cuba because he owns a bar, La Factoria, he's light-skinned. So now Cubans are very racist. Are they really? Oh. And is it against the skin tone or is it against? It's against the skin tone. That's why if you watch like, if you ever go on Netflix,

there's a show called Celia about Celia Cruz. It's brilliant because it shows you Cuba in the 40s. Like when they told her, you're a little too dark to be singing. Wow. And then she started singing and the guy was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. They're like, we're a little too white to be listening. Yeah.

You know, it's really interesting when you watch that show about how homosexuality, that shit didn't fly in Cuba. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's really interesting when you watch that show about how the homosexuality, that shit didn't fly in Cuba. Oh, wow. Yeah. But they have the best homos of all time. Oh, that's what I'm saying. They have the best gay guys of all time.

But it didn't fly. Like, they killed the brother. They never let you know what happened to her brother, but they killed him. And I know as a kid, I had an uncle that would tell me that if you were gay in Cuba, your parents would take you shark fishing and throw you off the boat. Like, it was, Cuba's a rough fucking place. Like, I've met Cubans in Pasadena that I brought Cuban, Afro-Cuban music to their house, and they're like, take it off. They can't handle it.

Because they know they have the black blood in them. They don't want to be reminded. Oh, wow. Me, I use it to my advantage. Yeah. It's who I am, you know. If it wasn't for Richard Pryor, they don't want to be reminded. Oh, wow. Me, I use it to my advantage. Yeah. That's who I am. If it wasn't for Richard Pryor, I wouldn't be here. Oh, I love Richard Pryor.

If it wasn't for Julius Irving, I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Red Fox, I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Al Green, I wouldn't be here. These are all part of people who make my comedy up. Right. Straight up gangster. Julius Irving is what I drew on stage. I take it to the hoop.

We ain't got no time to fuck around with slam duncan on your fucking ass i remember you told me there's a great uh and i watched it too there's a great all-star game where him and pistol pete played together pistol pete was the best that was my dog that was that was when he played black yeah that was the thing pistol yeah he was the first white guy to play black. To play black with a white mind, but black dribbling. Yeah. It wasn't fast. I mean, ask him. Look up.

He ran the 40 in two days. Yeah. Took him two days to run the 40. Yeah, he had to bring lunch. He had to bring lunch. But it didn't matter because he used black body movements to shake you. Yeah, he had to shake. He had to shake movements to shake you. Yeah, he had that shake. He had a shake and the dribble.

There's a scene when he sees Julius Irving and he fakes to Bob McAdoo and he just flips it behind his back. That was his shit. Yeah. So when that All-Star game, they just made a mistake. They put a white dude, they put a black dude that was dressed up as a white dude on the NBA East team. And he just fucked them up.

It was his game. And if you watch it, he only had four assists. I read the box scores for that. But watch what he was doing that game. Beautiful. Pistol Pete was blacking it up. That's that black culture. That's half of what I got.

That's why I can never be right. Half of what I do is black. A little bit is Chinese. A little bit is Santeria. A little bit is fucking Jewish. I'm a fucking Jeet Kune Do. Oh, you're a fucking 9% Halloween bro. Yeah, I'm 9% Halloween. And I do Devil's Night. I hit you with a

sock and flower. I don't give a fuck Jack. I'm a Devil's Night type of motherfucker. Halloween's for fucking kids. Devil's Night is when gangsters come. You got a fucking full moon in your asshole bro. Oh yeah, I'm Devil's Night type of motherfucker. Halloween's for fucking kids. Devil's Night is when gangsters come. You got a fucking full moon in your asshole, bro. Oh, yeah. I'm Devil's Night. Devil's Night, you're supposed to stab a motherfucker.

The next year, you got a badge. That's the original old school. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. The old school was that's when you hit somebody in the head with a pipe. Wow. That's been pissing you off all year. On Halloween?

Devil's Night. The night before Halloween. The night before. The 30th, Devil's night. And then you get us some candy. The next year is like good luck. It's like Chinese. It's like the year of the fucking stick.

Chinese, bro. Dude, I was just in China. A dude, I saw a dude pick his nose and feed it to a fucking cat, bro. And the cat ate it and it was like, but that's China, you know? China's like the thing you're walking with your buddy. He dies. You fucking make a soup. A couple people eat.

And you fucking cruise. And nobody knows nothing. And nobody knows nothing. And the guy's honored to die and be part of the soup. How long did you stay in China? One week. What'd you think? I loved it, man.

You know, but they're like, they're a forward-moving place. Like, you can't get citizenship there. You know, like, nobody's coming into China. Like, China's doing, they're ready to take over the world. But not in, like, a fucked-up way. Like, I don't think they're, it doesn't seem like the people are thinking about in a military sense they're just like we are chinese we are proud you know we just keep moving forward you need something built right there we'll fucking build it we'll build it 100 stories high

you know it doesn't matter like we'll die nine times we'll be reincarnated whatever we got to do to just keep it moving comedy how many nights of the seven? Keep it moving. Three nights. And you just went by yourself? It was great. Yeah, we went over there. And they got a group over there called Sine Productions or whatever, promotions. Dude, they do it. It's great. They flew me first class, put me up.

Oh, bro, beautiful places. I never even stayed. Dude, some of the hotels, fucking places are so expensive, I couldn't even sleep, you know? Like 600 bucks. I'm not fucking... I'll stay awake and watch the money go by. At least enjoy to walk around the room. This thing's $600 a fucking night.

They had nine light switches in there. It's like a fucking... I don't know where I was. It was insane, bro. You could spend 40 minutes just fucking turning on all the lights. It's fucking crazy what we do for a living. It is, man. It gets really interesting. Let's take another couple calls if you don't mind.

I got a piece. We'll take one more and we'll get the fuck out of here. You got it. Let's do it. I have some suggestions I can give my wife, Joey. Some good advice or some suggestions I can give my wife for her first psychedelic trip. Appreciate it, man. Love you guys.

Whoa. Is that guy living in an aquarium? You see that fucking guy right there? First thing for a psychedelic trip is... For his wife. Just make it easy for her, but then fuck with her once she's high. Oh, wait. I think you told me a story about this

one time. Yeah, with my first wife in San Francisco in 85. We took some grateful deadass and went to a party. I was very nice to her. You said her stepdad was at the airport. I kept telling her, don't you have to pick your father up at the airport? And she's like, let's go. And then she'd go, what time is he coming in?

I mean, I had this poor girl going. Then there was a poster of Bruce Lee on the wall. And I kept looking at Bruce Lee going, don't say nothing to her. No, no, come on, bro. Don't talk. Don't say nothing to her. She can't handle it. Come on, bro. Dog, don't say nothing to her. She can't handle it. Oh, come on. She would look at me like, what's he saying?

I don't know. Don't listen to him. I put that girl. That's the girl that I wrote the letter to. Oh, I bet it is, brother. Because I put her through death. I bet it is. And I remember one time we were living in San Francisco.

I was living in the Haight-Ashbury. And I was just a professional thief in the daytime. I bartended two nights a week at Rockin' Robbins. Yeah. But there was all these Cuban refugees that sold nickel bags, and I was the interpreter. My job was to go to Japan City, whatever, and I would pass out traveler's checks. So they would bring me stolen traveler's checks, and they couldn't do it because they were Cuban.

They didn't know a language. I would take a $50 traveler's check, pay something, $4, and then they'd give me $46 and change. Oh, wow. That's the old school. And traveler's checks, you can't. It would take a while to come back around. So this is what you do with traveler's checks.

You go to the bank, get $1,000 worth of traveler's checks, go to your hotel room. I'll come over, kick the door down. I take the traveler's checks. I give you five, and then you get another thousand because they were guaranteed. They would be stolen in the old days. It was a scam to have.

So I would go to you. We got 500 today. Let's go buy some traveler's checks. You have to file a police report, but then they'll give you. It was a lot easier in 85. Right. Now they probably, you got to go give a finger test and see DNA. But back then, there was no American Express Traveler checks.

Yeah. I remember hearing about this on television. But I'll never forget one night. We were at this Cuban dude's house, and we were snorting coke, and she was sitting there with me. And this Cuban dude goes, not for nothing, but your wife doesn't say much. I go, she's deaf. She wasn't deaf.

She just didn't speak Spanish. Oh, yeah. So the guy looks at me and goes, he's all coked up. He's like, I don't know if you know this. I work with deaf people in Cuba, right? Right? Oh, fuck. So she's like, I'm like, talk to her in deaf language.

And he's like, deaf language. And he's doing all these noises and shit. And all of a sudden, she's like looking at me. And I go, she goes, what do I do? And I go, just draw some hand signals and fuck with him. And she's like, and all of a sudden, he looks at me and goes, I never studied that language. Fuck. Do you miss anything about your first wife?

Like, was there some cool stuff about her? Yes. We were kids. Yeah. We were kids. Being kids is fun. We were kids. We were in love.

Yeah, that kid love, that young love. 21, 22, when it just went somewhere. She grew up and I didn't. That's what happened, if you want to know the truth. Yeah. She grew up and I didn't. And I wasn't the type of person you wanted to be around back then. Yeah.

So, yeah, there's little things. I miss the bitch was from Buffalo. I love Buffalo. Nobody made a wing like her. She made wings in a wok. And she made blue cheese dressing from scratch with Corona beer. You've never seen that. And I'd watch Delirious.

This is way before stand-up comedy. I'd rent videos and watch shit. And she'd cook those wings. And she'd make fucking thousands of those wings in a fucking wok. She was a great lady. And we have a great daughter together. I don't talk to her, but she's in my thoughts. God gave in a fucking walk. She was a great lady. We have a great daughter together. I don't talk to her, but she's in my thoughts. God gave me a second chance.

That's why. I got to get the fuck out of here because I got to go to karate. You got to go see, yeah. We tie and swim and the whole fucking deal. I'm happy I came down here to see you, man. I fell in love with you a long time ago. Now I'm happy because my senses were right. I picked three winners. I picked a lot of because my senses were right. I picked three winners.

I picked a lot of guys. I picked you. I picked Cain. I picked Dean Del Rey. You know, you guys are hustlers. You're honest. I could see. That comedy store, you know, it lets you see.

I see a lot of people who fake the funk up there, man. Yeah. You see them. Yeah. You see people who fake the funk. You actually see. Yeah. You see them. You see people who fake the funk. You actually see people who go up there that wish we'd do bad. You watch them in the back of the room. Comedy store has a lot of different angles.

It teaches you how to be a lot of things. Yeah. But the thing that you get the most is that the camaraderie you and I have, we couldn't have a better camaraderie if we came out of the same snatch. This is real. Yeah. This is real. I cheer for you.

Yeah, same. When you came to see me do the Netflix special, you paid out of your pocket. You cheered for me. Yeah. That's something that people, real comics, a lot of comics, I love his work.

Shh, I'm listening to Theo. You don't have to say that. You don't have to say that. No, that doesn't mean anything. I'm here to say nothing. You don't have to say that. You don't have to say that. No, that doesn't mean anything. I'm here to say nothing. You don't have to say nothing. I know who's faking the fuck. Yeah.

And I know who's only going to be there temporary. And I know who's going to be there with me to the end. I know the person who comes up to me and says at the end, bro, that joke was badass. I know he means it. I also know the person that comes up and says, Theo, you were great on I'm Dying Up Here when you walked by and they're like, fucking redneck sack of

shit. That's the truth. That survives at the comedy store. You were great in that. And when you walk by, he's a fucking piece of shit. He probably blew somebody's fucking half a fag. That's the other angle of it. So you have to learn how to deal with all that,

be a comic and remember be the biggest thing that's i'm a man yeah i became a comic this that a felon what men and we gotta act like fucking men yeah i think that's one thing that i you know like that you don't need you kind of covertly like you know i think you infuse that like you know even just hearing you tell your stories knowing you know recognizing you got a second chance with some stuff, with some family stuff. That stuff is low-key inspiring. For me personally, I live in some of those worlds

and I just feel scared and nervous. You always make me feel like I have a friend and that I have somebody that cares. If I know if i'm if i'm friends with you to the end of my life man i would be honored you know no this is listen man i lost god took away my family but he showed me the gift of friendship yeah and the gift of friendship is beautiful people just misuse it yeah mishandle it and they don't know how to handle it. You have acquaintances, and you have friends, and you have people you live and breathe for. I breathe for you.

I breathe for Lee. I breathe for Kate Quigley. Joe Rogan, I'll stand in front of a book. Ari Shafir, I will take that bullet from the comedy store and shoot you 12 times you mess with Ari Shafir. You mess with my Jew, I'll fucking kill you. You mess with Duncan, I'll put a bullet in you.

You mess with Eddie, I'll shoot you to death. You touch Red Band, I will fucking personally send you to Mars. I will call somebody that lights people on fires for a living for $5,000. You touch Red Band. Fuego Frankie, baby. People have no idea what it is living for, breathing for somebody. Yeah. Everything in this Hollywoodllywood town is

he's amazing is that you ain't shit that's why when when the shit turns you know look at now so so somebody accuses theo of something and i gotta hate theo no that's not how it works i know theo 20 years i'm gonna back theo right if something happens to me and an agent fires me and that and i'm with that agency, I would fire that agent. Yeah. Because then I'll back their people. Right. That's what we don't have anymore.

Yeah. Did he really touch your pussy? Prove it, and I'm still with him. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. But we live in a society out here that we don't have nothing. We only have friends as hot as our career gets.

If we get hot, then they talk to you. I don't want you to talk to me. I want you to talk to me when I was broke. Yeah. Those are, then they talk to you. I don't want you to talk to me. I want you to talk to me when I was broke. Those are the people I talk to today. The people that were my friends when I would go up to the comic store and go, Theo, let me $3 so I could get a gram of Coke. I got $17. If you give me $3,

I get a $20. I'd give you $3 forever, man. I love you. Thank you for having me. I wouldn't drive down here for anybody else but you. You know that. I hate fucking driving. I came down here for you for having me down here. I wouldn't drive down here for anybody else, but you, you know that, you know, I hate fucking driving.

I came down here for you and for your fans and your family. Yeah. We appreciate it, man. We got a lot of young listeners that love you. I've got this hat too, man, that a buddy of mine made.

It's from a, it's from my friend's company called hood hats, but they make dope hats and nobody else has that hat, man. It says West Hollywood comedy store. This is it. That's a one of a kind. Thank you very much. Um, I love you, man. Thanks for coming on. I. This is it. It's one of a kind. Thank you very much.

I love you, man. Thanks for coming on. I love you. Thank you for having me on. Yeah, I'll see you soon. Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone

Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself go on Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story

Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you. Now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my hands. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.

And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal.

Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule

of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.