This Past Weekend - Just a Suggestion | This Past Weekend #99

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Starting point is 00:01:08 Just don't say goodbye It's you and me Enjoy the destination Nation, nation, nation Fantasy Paint it on the wall Destination. Nation. Nation. Nation. Fantasy. Paint it on the wall. Yeah. Come on.

Starting point is 00:01:31 Yes, go. It's never too late to come over. Mm-hmm. Time slips away from you and me now. There you go, boy. So don't you hesitate to come over. It's never too late to come over. Time slips away from you and me now.

Starting point is 00:02:00 That's that late night text, you know, that you could drop into a lady's text box. Hey, it's never too late to come over. And then she texts back. Yeah, it is. Okay. It's 3.04. It's 3.04 a.m. And mama just, you know, mama just hit a chili dog in her throat. And she just put some lotion on her arms and neck. So you need to shut it down and contact me during regular human hours. And that's from about 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. If you're texting women or men outside of those hours, you know you shouldn't be probably. You know, I think that's non-sensual hours. If you start, or maybe up to about 11 p.m.

Starting point is 00:02:49 Maybe I would say 11 a.m. or 11 p.m. Because you start getting greedy out there, 1 a.m., you're fishing. One of my old moves is I would just text a blind, I would open up a girl's text name on my SMS, and then I would just press the space bar one time, and then I would just send that. So it was just like sending a bubble, nothing, no words, anything, and you just blast that bubble out there and then see if she wants to catch that thing in her mouth.

Starting point is 00:03:21 And so that's a way you could just be fishing, just throwing bubs into the air. You know, you just tossing them those empty spheres out there and seeing if anybody's biting. Seeing if they got any bad little, seeing if they got any bad little ladies biting on them hope bubbles. People hoping for somebody to touch their crotch late at night. Isn't it wild how your crotch just becomes this beacon of hope? Isn't that crazy? I mean, for men it does.

Starting point is 00:03:54 I mean, I don't know what women are doing at these hours. But for a lot of men, your crotch just becomes this beacon of hope at like about, I think maybe 1140 PM. Your crotch just starts sending off this sonar signal. Like, you know, it's like a, it's like a dolphin, just like a coochie dolphin, just kind of, you know, just milling around out in the atmosphere, looking for some affection, look for somebody to come over and pet it. Because a crotch, think about this, a crotch is just like a puppy. All a crotch wants somebody to do is just to come rub on it.

Starting point is 00:04:39 Think about that. And that really flares up about 11 p.m. And I don't know what that, if that's called, if that's a syndrome or what that's called, but it's undeniable that that happens. That's undeniable that that happens. I want to say happy Memorial Day to anyone and everyone who's involved with our armed forces. I want to say, you know, offer a prayer up for anyone who's lost a family member in service to this country. You know, Memorial Day or Decoration Day, that's what they used to call it. Or some people still call it. They started up after the Civil War, just honoring those who have fallen.

Starting point is 00:05:21 And it's a, you know, it's just the bravery there for me. It's just, I've said this before. One of my biggest regrets is that I haven't served. You know, I've done some, gotten to do some tours for the military over the years and going over and seeing what these men and women's lives are like. And, and it's just fascinating. It's fascinating to know. Sure, it's a job. You know, sure, there's, you know, people are paid for it. But it's a bravery that I don't possess. You know, it's a commitment that I, you know, wasn't willing to make. And, you know, my hat's off and my heart open to those who have lost a loved one who was in service to our country. And God bless those people.

Starting point is 00:06:10 You know, that's so brave. I was just at home this weekend. Actually, I went to a high school reunion, and we had a gentleman from our class who lost his life in Afghanistan. And it was just interesting hearing people talk about him and share stories. So I'll be thinking about him this weekend. And I'll be over probably at the cemetery tomorrow. They have a beautiful cemetery near me. I think it's Los Angeles Memorial.

Starting point is 00:06:41 What is that? And I go over there on Memorial Day and check it out. And they do some beautiful services. And there's just all the flags on the grave headstones. And it's a pretty marvelous time. Before we get into today's episode, a lot of people have been asking me, what about Trick Long Mickey? He got them new hitters. He got them new baby bags in his chest. And if you don't know about Mickey, Mickey got involved early with the show and we communicated with him. And he's been suffering from cystic fibrosis since he was, which sounds like a snack.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Let's be honest. That sounds like something you would get at a health food store. You know, like, oh, Janet just got a new bag of cystic fibrosis. And we'll be like, well, I guess it's movie night at her house. Okay. But it's a lung disorder, and it's an ailment, and it can kill you. And so Mickey's been on this transplant list for a while, and he finally got them new baby bags.

Starting point is 00:07:39 And so I want to check in with that. I want to check in with him right now and just give you guys an update via him. This is the first time I've talked to him since he got out of his transplant and got those new hitters that he got. Let's check in with Mickey now. Let's see what's going on. See how Hitties are holding out. Hello? Hey, Mickey. Yo, Theo. How's it going, man?

Starting point is 00:08:19 What up, bro? Dude, new hitters, bro. You got them new fresh air duffels, huh, baby boy? Man, god dang, man. Life is so good, brother. It's so good to hear your voice, man. Dude, you too, man. You sound like a dad.

Starting point is 00:08:35 Honestly, you sound like an adult now. Dude, you know what's crazy? Real fast, dude, my diaphragms haven't hooked up to my lungs, so I got a laugh right now. Like, literally'm it's a silent laugh but I am an adult I'm an adult now man I weigh uh dude I weigh 118 pounds but I'm still an adult dang you coming he's that light he's that light adult but look out you know look out you got some weight to put on so you don't your diaphragm isn't hooked into your new lungs yet it takes a little bit of strengthening man like literal actual conditioning because those uh those nerve endings you know got severed um and so that's why yeah man it's why nothing

Starting point is 00:09:11 really comes i'm laughing over here i really am sure trick along mickey with those with those severed nerves man so you got that you coming in with that soft chuckle right now because you can't dude you can't really go you can't really go hard in the humor paint yet, can you? No, man. Well, you know, writing, of course, as we talked about. Amen. Yeah, man. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:34 It's been good. The laugh will come back. It'll come back. There you go, man. Yeah, and it's going to be such a gift when it does. Dude, so, I mean, you're back. Like, you are, where were you at before, like, out of 10, and where are you at now out of 10? So, it's really funny, man.

Starting point is 00:09:50 You know, when we talked, what, like, three weeks ago, I want to say, four weeks maybe, you know, I was like, I think I told you, like, maybe an 8.5 in life, right? Yeah. 8 out of 10. Yeah. Dude, this is like, you know, not to be all hokey or whatever, man. Yeah, it's like a, it's 10 out of 10, if not 15 out of 10. Yeah. Dude, this is like, you know, not to be all hokey or whatever, man. Yeah, it's like a, it's 10 out of 10, if not 15. Dang, man. Dude, every day is, man.

Starting point is 00:10:14 You're out there, huh? Every day is beautiful, dude. So, dude, let me hear. So, you got those new lungs. Now, the person that donated them to you, that person was a, they overdosed. Is that right? That's true, man. Yeah, I said that over text, dude, in the sense that this was what was considered a high-risk transplant,

Starting point is 00:10:32 meaning that the donor had been using intravenous drugs and also spent a little bit of time in jail. Ooh, boy, you got a real G inside of you now. Dude, my street credibility went up about a hundred percent, at least double what I normally had, you know? Dude, you got them dirty, moist, you got them dirty, moist duffels living in your, in your sternum now, dude, this is gangster. Um, now is there any real go on? I wanted, I wanted to tell you real fast.

Starting point is 00:11:01 This was right after Cinco de Mayo too. So, you know, those parties happen, man, and, you know, I think I got, you know, what you've told me. Now, I think I'm going to reach out to the family in, like, about nine months or so. It's fresh for them, right? But what I'm saying is I think I got a little bit of, you know, I got a little bit of some flavor and salsa in me these days, man. Oh, really? You feel like you could dance better?

Starting point is 00:11:27 Absolutely. Of course. you could dance better? Absolutely. Of course. I can breathe better. You definitely know I can dance better. Wow, man. I can't believe that. Can you whistle? Give me a whistle, man.

Starting point is 00:11:34 What is that? Let's do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I blew out a kid's birthday candle the other day just because I saw it. Get the fuck out of here, son. We shutting down all these birthday cakes, boy. Trickling got them hot bags.

Starting point is 00:11:52 Dude, give me that cat call. Can you give me a little bit of cat call? Oh, hey. He's like, hi, hee. Hey, baby girl. That's right, man. Oh, damn, bro. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:11:59 We are in there, man. We are in there. Bro, you're going to fuck a cousin if you keep, if you, you got to, you got to, you need to turn that back, baby. What about a yodel? Can you give me a yodel? Oh, dude, yodel, that's going to be too hard, man. We still singing right now. I'm still singing a little bit of Aaliyah, Aaliyah first to get my yodeling back up, you know. Dude, that's so awesome, man. So you're back. Do you feel, how do you feel? Right now, man, I feel incredible at all levels. I'm so focused on my recovery in regards to my nutrition and my sleep and also exercise. I'm exercising like four times a day.

Starting point is 00:12:37 I told you I weigh 118. It's because of the fact that the transplant surgery takes a lot of your muscle out of you, man. A lot of that protein to recover. Well, they're thieves, too. A lot of these doctors, man, they get inside of you. Dude, I'm not joking. They're just like, it's like whenever you're building a home in a sketchy neighborhood, you have a lot of addicts will sneak in at night and bust out the copper piping at night

Starting point is 00:13:01 and melt it down and sell it. You don't know what happened, man. I woke up here's listen dude feel man i'm a i'm a clean gentleman you know yeah uh you know i went i went there prepared and i shaved and i uh you know i i kept clean yeah i woke up i realized these guys also shaved my armpits and i was like oh dang that's the one thing i forgot wow but yeah man you never know when you're on that table. You're right, man.

Starting point is 00:13:25 Who knows what they're going to do? God dang, you know? They could do anything, man. I might go in for a treatment just because I got a lot of body here. I honestly would not even mind, you know, having somebody put me to sleep and take it off of me. But, man, I'm so happy for you, dude, and I'm just so grateful that you let us be a part of a little bit of this experience,

Starting point is 00:13:48 dude. Dude, if I can gush out to you and this past weekend's family, man, I felt, God, man, I thank you so much for being a part of it. I'm happy to be a part of it, of everything as well. But the amount of people that have reached out to me, man, I just thank them. Thank you, man. It's been a truly beautiful experience. I say that with the utmost truth, man. moments in a lot of our days, you know, myself and the listeners were, you know, something we didn't want to do or something we didn't want to, you know, take a moment of or, you know, we didn't want to try. And, you know, and then having, you know, some inspiration, having that, you know, you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, but then you got a trick

Starting point is 00:14:38 lung Mickey hanging off your earlobe. You know, sometimes we hear your voice and it tells us to get it going. So, dude, thank you so much. We're going to have to get you in studio sometime this year. Dude, I would love nothing more, man. Yeah. Yeah. Be in touch, man, and get that recovery process in order. And, you know, I'll be putting out my stuff.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Dude, you better start singing, bro. I want to see you in a choir. I want to see you scuba diving. Dude, I want to see you. If somebody can't, like, CPR, dude, you should be giving CPR to people who don't even need it. It's funny you mentioned on my birthday, I want to go skydiving. You just did something like that, right? I did, man. And it was a blast.

Starting point is 00:15:19 And now I get to do that. So this summer after I recover a little bit, we're going skydiving. So you'll see me out there, man. Oh, I'll look up there and see. I'll look for you, dude. Well, look, thank you so much, dude. Congratulations, you know,

Starting point is 00:15:33 just moving on with this battle with cystic fibrosis and you got them new lungs, dude, and you just get out there and keep taking hits off the world, bro. New hitters. Get in there!

Starting point is 00:15:42 Get in there! All right, Mick, I'll talk to you soon, man. All right, man, much love. See you. Catch you later, man. Back at you, bud. Man, and that's one of our mascots right there, Mickey.

Starting point is 00:15:52 You know, and that's just so inspiring. And, you know, I met Mickey because, you know, my sister was born with biliary atresia. When she was born, she had a rare liver disease that affects,, I think, almost one and a half million children at the time. And so throughout my childhood, she was, you know, having to be shipped around to these different hospitals. And she would come home and be all, you know, scarred up. And, you know, she was like this green or she had like a green tint or jaundice kind of, or, you know, purple even sometimes. Really Mardi Gras colors, honestly. In Louisiana, you know, even if it's a sick baby,

Starting point is 00:16:32 people get excited. If you have a green, purple, and gold, they'll be like, well, look, she's sick, but you know, that's Mardi Gras colors. But I remember that. And it just, and then whenever we started getting in touch with Mickey, it just really, you know, it stuck in a special place with me. Because I didn't get to see my sister a lot when we were growing up.

Starting point is 00:16:52 Because, you know, it's amazing what illness does. You know, it's just amazing what an infection it is and how it can resonate throughout a family. And it can bring people together. And it can take people apart. And It can bring people together and it can take people apart. I guess that's just all facets of life. I didn't mean to get off on a weird tangent already, but this whole existence is a weird tangent, isn't it? Isn't this a weird tangent that we are on? Thank you guys for being here with me today. Happy Memorial Day. That we are on.

Starting point is 00:17:23 Thank you guys for being here with me today. Happy Memorial Day. You know, I went home for my high school graduation. And I wasn't sure up until really the last minute if I was going to go. And I was like, I don't know. Should I? Should I not? And part of me didn't want to go because I was like, you know, I got offered to do a show on Saturday night with Joey Diaz and with Joe Rogan at the Ice House in Pasadena.

Starting point is 00:17:54 And I was like, man, this is a great opportunity. It's a fun show. You know, I love both these guys. I'm always honored to be around them. And then I was just like, you know, but if I don't go to this reunion, am I going to regret it? And I also didn't want to, you know, I wanted to just stay in touch with kind of, you know, where I'm from, I guess, somewhat. I didn't want to, I didn't want to, I don't know, I wanted to maybe look, see some people's eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time. And maybe a memory would spark up inside.

Starting point is 00:18:27 I mean, I wanted, you know, to take a couple puffs off that nostalgia. Because I'll smoke a freaking, boy, I'll smoke a whole rock of nostalgia. You know, I love nostalgia. I love taking this free time warp, you know, into a moment. time warp into a moment. It's crazy sometimes how you can see somebody or smell something and suddenly you're in 15 years earlier in your life. People say, well, we don't know if we can time travel. I say, well, then you didn't walk into a cafeteria and smell some green beans that took me back to my neighbor's house.

Starting point is 00:19:07 Because I fucking one hit off those hairy covairs. And that's French for green beans. And fuck, I'm time traveling. But I guess, yeah, I didn't want to miss the opportunities of that nostalgia. And then also I figured, you know, if I go, if I show up at the reunion, you know, maybe somebody else is excited to see me. And so, you know, in the end, you know, I went and I had a nice time and they had all types of people there. They had one dude, this fella makes prosthetics and he showed up. So that made me realize, look,

Starting point is 00:19:43 if he can do it, I'm glad I did it. Because this dude was probably sitting in a dungeon somewhere, you know, carterizing a plastic elbow. You know, or putting some moles on an ankle. And he left that to come here and just see some old classmates. I mean, can you imagine that? Just being up all night, just hammering out a mahogany knee, you know, just chipping a clavicle out of a piece of oak. Can you imagine that? So I'm glad, and I didn't know he did that. And he's tall too. This guy's really tall. So he probably, you know, he has to bend down probably to chip away at some of these things or however they do it. And this guy's making prosthetics. And so it made me think, man, I'm just, you know, I'm glad I came.

Starting point is 00:20:44 homoerotic. And he hadn't been homoerotic when we saw him in high school. So suddenly he's out there. You know, he got that neck on a swivel. Lurking, bruh. You know what I'm saying? He's smelling, you know, he smelled a little bit of Old Spice in the distance. You know, and it's fun to watch. It's fun to watch, you know, somebody be newly gay. And you're like, uh-oh. Hope none of these former high school football players have too many cocktails at this thing. Because they're going to be,

Starting point is 00:21:11 suddenly they're going to be, somebody's going to be a wide receiver, even if they play defense. Because we got a new hitter out here in the game. They had a new gentleman out here. And then you see all types of people. You know, they had a girl in our class who she'd lost a ton of weight. And, you see all types of people, you know, they had a girl in our class who had,

Starting point is 00:21:30 she'd lost a ton of weight and, you know, you could just see how inspired she felt and just, and how inspired I was inspired seeing her. I was like, wow. You know, the commitment that, that, you know, the commitment it takes to change. Cause we just get, we get used to things. We get comfortable in our ways. So, yeah, there was just a lot. It was just interesting, you know, seeing people that were more, just more outgoing now. You know, you see an old girl that you never asked out, and then there she is. You know, there was a girl that I never asked out when I was in school. And I always, I think, had a thing for her, but I was just too afraid.

Starting point is 00:22:12 She was just so pretty and she was confident. Or she was pretty to me. She may not be pretty to everybody. That's subjective or objective. I don't know the difference between those things. But I saw her and I just, You know. It just. It took. It takes you back. Took me back into that nervous body.

Starting point is 00:22:29 That I was in. For so long. As a child. Just that nervous. I used to fix my hair. Before I left the house. When I was young. Dude. What the fuck.

Starting point is 00:22:40 Bruh. Dude. If I put a comb. Near my hair. Right now. One of my I put a comb near my hair right now, one of my sideburns or the back of my hair, this sweet, some people call it a mullet. I call it the Lord's work. But if I put a comb near my hair,

Starting point is 00:22:58 one of my sideburns would reach out and choke that fucking comb out. Come on. Yeah, man. So, but there I was. I was back there. And then, you know, it was just nice because then, you know,

Starting point is 00:23:11 I was talking to her for a few minutes and it just took me back to my nervous body. You know, back when I, you know, I wish I always had my, I remember sometimes I'd be so nervous as a kid. I would have my hands just on my pants like this, like folded up like little penguin arms. Even if they weren't in my pocket, sometimes I would put my hands just on my hips and I'd think they were in my pockets and they weren't. And people would be like, dude, what the fuck, bro?

Starting point is 00:23:39 Are you like just feeling your thighs, dude, out here in the hallway? You better G up. You better G up. You better G up. Do you need a Red Bull, baby boy? You better G up. Yeah, and so that's one thing I'm glad that I went back because I don't have the regret. You know, I was sad that I had to miss the comedy show, but I don't have the regret of not participating, really. I just didn't want to not be a participant.

Starting point is 00:24:10 I didn't want to not honor that time in my life. And some people couldn't. They have children and they have, some people might have died. And they might have been there. You don't know how many ghosts was there. You know what I'm saying? It's not like they had a seancer in the room or somebody that can operate a crystal ball decently to tell us how many real G's, ghosts

Starting point is 00:24:35 were in the building. So they might have had a couple spirits out there. But it just all of a sudden, it just reminded me of all these moments of all these moments and just being young. And I remember getting so high one time driving to school and just hit, you know, hit some girl's car with my car and I got out of the car and I didn't even know what had happened. I thought our cars,

Starting point is 00:25:01 I was like, I remember asking her for our car, if our cars had magnets in them and maybe that's why they hit each other She was like what the fuck? She's like you hit me. I was like, I think these cars have magnets in them, dude And I thought they did I was just I was high as hell dude. I was an idiot But when your whole body just running on testosterone when you're young When you cough and you just have just some testosterone will fly out of your face but when your whole body's just running on testosterone when you're young,

Starting point is 00:25:29 when you cough and you just have some testosterone will fly out of your face. But our old principal showed up, this dude. I thought his name was Coach Pat, and his name was Coach Rob. I never saw him. I saw the disciplinarian. I knew that lady. She looked kind of like a little bit like Big Bird a little bit, but a little bit hotter.

Starting point is 00:25:46 I never thought Big Bird was attractive. But I saw our principal. That was cool. And, dude, on the DL, he told me, and I shouldn't be – maybe I'm sharing that. But whatever. He was like, you know, I thought – he said, I thought so-and-so was a real bitch back in the day. And, dude, just to hear your old principal say that about somebody else that worked in the school system. Amen.

Starting point is 00:26:14 That made it worth it right there. But, yeah, it was just nice to see other people. And there were other people that showed up. You know, one girl only went to our school for two years and she showed up. And then, you know, another young lady that's a school teacher now. Some guy that just, his wife just got locked up. And so he's out there free, you know? And he got his hair kind of styled up, and he's G'd out.

Starting point is 00:26:41 And he bought himself some new Giorgio Armani cologne, and he's out there stunting in a Mustang now. But you just see people's lives just turning, people hitting different chapters. And so, yeah, that's why I'm glad I went because at the end of the night, I was talking to a couple of gals and a couple of fellows and I realized that, you know, if we don't show up, then there is no reunion. That's what makes it a reunion is people showing up. Because yeah, everything we want to put on or do or be a part of, yeah, it could not be shit unless we show up and participate. So that's when I realized, look, you know, all this thing is is us showing up. And that's what I'm realizing a lot of things are.

Starting point is 00:27:22 It's just you got to show up. You got to show up. You got to show up, and then you see what happened, and I ended up having a good time. I'd stepped out of my paleo diet because I was in Louisiana, and dude, bro, something will crawl into your mouth in Louisiana,

Starting point is 00:27:38 and at first you'll be scared because you're like, what in the fuck is in my mouth? But then you'll chew it up, and you'll be like, God damn, that was good. That was good. And so that's just, you know, they don't have diets in Louisiana, really.

Starting point is 00:27:53 I mean, except for try not to get murdered. That's like the number one diet in New Orleans area and Baton Rouge. But it was a joy, man. It was a joy just seeing people and, you know, just seeing what everybody's going through. And seeing that dude who made prosthetics. You know, that shit's amazing to me. Imagine having that extra leg. Imagine having that detachable leg.

Starting point is 00:28:14 You're trying to go out, you know, maybe you're going fishing and you want to keep some of your nice legs dry. So you put on some, you know, some linoleum, you know, baby boys. You know, you screw in a couple of, not mahogany, but a couple of velour hips or something. You know, you screw in some velour calves and ankles. Imagine that. Or you're just going to relax in the other room and read. So you put on some fucking goose skin femurs. Imagine that.

Starting point is 00:28:58 That's the future. That's the future. A lot of things are going to change in the future that people haven't started to think about. One of those things is you're going to have pants. In the future, they know, a lot of things are going to change in the future that people haven't started to think about. One of those things is you're going to have pants. In the future, they're going to have pants that if you want, you want to go run, put on your jogging pants. And old jogging pants, the ones we have right now, they don't do shit. You still got to jog.

Starting point is 00:29:20 They're just really just pants. False advertising. But in the future, in la futura, you're going to put on some jogging pants and you're going to press a button and those bitches are going to go about four miles. So you better be ready. Dude, can you imagine how great that's going to be when you have pants and you press that button

Starting point is 00:29:41 and then you're off? You could text while you're in them. You could do what you want. You just got to wave that button and then you're off. You could text while you're in them. You could do what you want. You just got to wave every now and then when you pass the neighbors. Or you got to whistle every now and then when you pass somebody that's sexy. And it could be a man or a woman. I'm not talking about just cat calling women. People get upset about that.

Starting point is 00:30:00 But you can have karate kick pants. Somebody's talking shit. You going out to the club, whatever. Put on them bad cats. Put on them strike force jeans. It's going to say strike force down the side. And first you out there doing a little bit of cap aware and then shut down. You hit somebody with that electric foot.

Starting point is 00:30:23 And that's the type of stuff we're going to have in the future. We're going to have types of clothes that will activate to do what we want to do. You know, you're going to have one of them hug sweaters. Be like, oh shit, Aunt Mary wore her hug sweater. She's going to be, and last year it malfunctioned. So she was just, you know, she wouldn't let go of the dog for an hour. she's going to be, and last year it malfunctioned. So she was just, you know, she wouldn't let go of the dog for an hour. Because you won't have that hug sweater.

Starting point is 00:30:54 You just start hugging people. I love you. I love you. I love you. And that thing shorts out a little bit. And next thing you know, you get electrocuted. So anything's possible is what I'm saying. But yeah, I'm i'm glad that i went home man this podcast is starting to catch up look i was in i went to meet my sister my sister has two beautiful children and um and i love them and

Starting point is 00:31:15 they're so you know they love me they think i'm funny and that makes me feel good you know they think i'm like a goofy guy and that's fun because I get to be that around them. And so we went to pizza. And they live out in the country. I mean, they live by the interstate. Like it's one of those houses where when you're driving by on the interstate, you're like, dang, they shouldn't live that close to the interstate. And they got a bass. They have a fish tank with a bass in it.

Starting point is 00:31:44 And the bass can't even turn around. The bass is too big. The tank is just about the size of like a shoebox. So the bass, they have to feed it just at the front of the tank because the bass can't even. That's just a one-way fish. And we went, and I went and met my sister, and my mom was going to meet us,

Starting point is 00:32:03 and then my mom couldn't come. And my feelings got a little bit hurt, you know, because I guess, you know, my relationship with my mother has been, I've always felt, and I just realized this. When I was there, we were going to meet up with my mom, and then she couldn't come. She had to work. And my mom does delivery, you know. She delivers, you know, magazines and newspapers and that, and she got a delivery called, and she had to work and my mom does delivery you know she delivers you know magazines and newspapers and that and she had she got a delivery called and she had to do it and i respect that because she has to work you know she has to survive um and and she got her husband mr charlie and he got alzheimer's and that's when your brain goes to heaven but you still down here fucking

Starting point is 00:32:41 milling around and so he got you know he's's over, you know, he's sitting in the passenger seat, so he has to go everywhere she goes. So my mom's out there in that van, in that windowless van, you know, just dropping off, you know, magazines and, you know, specialty booklets. And Mr. Charlie's just out there just, you know, he's out there, Apollo 13, and bruh, he's out there just working freelance in his own skin. But she couldn't come, man. And it made me think, you know what? And at first it hurt my feelings and I was kind of mad at her. But then I was trying to think, well, why am I mad? And I guess a lot of times for me,

Starting point is 00:33:23 my mother has always had to work. You know, the hardest working man I've ever known was my mother. And so, you know, I guess I was just mad because she wasn't available. You know, it's always like my whole life, every time I've tried to like do something special for my mom or because I was trying to surprise her. That's the thing. I was trying to surprise her by meeting up with my nieces and going to dinner with her. And she couldn't come. And I think that's, and it just kind of, I don't know, man, it's kind of lame, I guess. Or not lame, but, you know, it just, most of my life, my mother hasn't been available. mother hasn't been available. You know, she's always been busy. She's always had something to do. She's always felt a lot of pressure to, and I don't know where it comes from, you know, because I wasn't there when my mother was a child, but she's always just been so busy that it's hard to get her out of whatever her busy is. It's hard. It's hard to get a moment with her where I feel like we just can be okay around

Starting point is 00:34:27 each other and okay together. And so that shit kind of hurt my feelings, but I had to just swallow it. I had to shut up and just say nothing because what am I going to, you know, you know, I just have to be grateful that my mother has work and that she is able to work because she likes to work. and that she is able to work because she likes to work. And that's all I can do. At this point, it's not worth sometimes saying the things. It's just I just tell her I love her and we go on. And that's it.

Starting point is 00:35:01 At some point, it's like if I'm just playing old songs from back, you know, complain, you know, and just it is what it is. What am I going to do? You know, I can let her know. Oh, you know, I really wish we could spend more time together. Those are things that I can do. But but to sit there and hold it against her and then my mother still has to work. But now she has to feel bad. You know, that's just what I didn't want to do.

Starting point is 00:35:18 So I had to swallow my own ego and stuff and and just kind of get through that moment. But a lot of sacrificers out there. A lot of people sacrifice for our country. A lot of women and men have sacrificed for their family, their time, their dreams. Sometimes I don't think we, I don't ever think about that. I wonder what my mom's dreams were when she was little. I wonder if in the future we'll be able to travel back through our genetics into our parents

Starting point is 00:35:54 and our grandparents' thoughts. Wouldn't that be fascinating? You're not traveling through time because that seems, I don't think it seems far-fetched because we have those moments of, man, I feel't think it seems far-fetched, you know, because we have those moments of, you know, man, I feel like I've been here before, but to travel through our genetics to me seems more plausible, you know, because that's a real thing that's living inside of us. And I definitely feel like our bodies have memory. I feel sometimes like there's a brain in my heart,

Starting point is 00:36:27 because I'll get feelings in my heart that are more than just an ache or a want. Sometimes in my heart, I can feel like my heart is curious or like my heart is thinking, and that may sound crazy, and that's just me explaining some of the feelings that I have. But I think we're going to really start to find that our bodies have so much more ability to memorize

Starting point is 00:37:02 and to think than we realize. And not just our brains. Because even I'll say this, man, I've been on this paleo diet. And paleo's diet is, it's basically you're a scavenger. You're a hunter. I mean, you could fucking kill somebody in a parking lot. In the afternoon, you won't think twice about it. And that's what's really interesting about the diet. Apparently, you won't think twice about it. And that's what's, you know, it's really interesting about the diet. Is it's, you know, apparently you can have fruits, you can have lean meat, and you can murder. Those are all okay on this diet. And eggs.

Starting point is 00:37:35 And pure maple syrup for a sweetener. But I start to realize, like, now I start to notice that I eat only because I need to eat. And my body doesn't feel as addicted to whatever like chemicals and extra preservatives and things like that that are in a lot of processed foods. I'm not saying I'll always be on this diet. I'm not preaching at you. I'm just telling you shit I'll notice. So I notice that. So my stomach doesn't get real hungry.

Starting point is 00:38:08 that. So my stomach doesn't get real hungry. I have a thought that I, instead of a memory that comes from my stomach, my stomach being like, oh, I need to eat. I need to eat. I'm starving. Instead, I get a thought in my head that says, hey, it's probably time to eat. You should eat in the next couple hours. It's more of a survival. It's more instinctual. But I'm noticing that before I would get this almost like this addiction or this craving, like this memory that my stomach had of whatever chemicals I was putting into it or whatever preservatives and stuff were going into my stomach. And I don't get that now. And so that's another thing that's making me think, oh, well, maybe our stomachs do have, and our other organs do have a lot more memory

Starting point is 00:38:48 than we think they do. Now that's, imagine that. If you could, if you, who knows, who knows what the future has. You know as sure as hell they're gonna have a hat that can comb your hair. Damn. You see fucking Rhonda put on that top hat and she's fucking permed up

Starting point is 00:39:08 an hour later. Gotta get me one of those. I want that. I want that boat. So those are some things that have just been going through my head. You know, it is what it is. It is what it is. But yeah, I had a good time, man. I spent some time with one of my friends. We went around, you know, and we got dressed up and we went over to that high school reunion. We made the most of it. And we didn't have a DJ at that thing because, you know, not enough people came. We couldn't afford that DJ. But somebody started singing a little bit in the evening.

Starting point is 00:39:44 And what else? It was just a nice flight. I saw Arsenio Hall on the way back and so that was pretty cool because Arsenio was the first and the only late night talk show host who would put me on his show to do stand-up comedy.

Starting point is 00:39:58 And this is about four years ago and all the other ones passed on my tape and he put me on. And it made me wonder also why are all the late night talk show hosts white? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them being white or not being white, but it seems a little like I wouldn't mind somebody that's mixed

Starting point is 00:40:19 at the least. You guys can't get at least a white person that was raised by black parents. You know, let's get or what about a sweet, a beautiful Asian? Or how about a sweet Latino? That nighttime Viallo. You know, I just wouldn't mind seeing, you know, they really got it cornered out there with these whites on these late night shows. But then sometimes I just want to see diversity and things just to make it more interesting. You know, a lot of, I don't, you know, I agree sometimes with the forced diversity thing.

Starting point is 00:40:51 I don't like it because I don't know if it, if it, if it imitates life sometimes, but it's just like the NBA, the NBA gets really boring to me because it's all tall black men. It's just cause here's why. Cause when I watch it, I don't feel like everybody has a chance to be because it's all tall black men. It's just, because here's why, because when I watch it, I don't feel like everybody has a chance to be in it. So for me, I lose that allure. You know, it's like, oh, I can't even, I'd have no shot to be in this. What about that 50 year old, you know, Vietnamese gunner out on the three point line? You know, you want to see that dude, whatever his name is, little Starbuck or whatever. You know you want to see Starbuck out there at that three-point stripe wearing pants, dude. And if you don't know that a

Starting point is 00:41:33 lot of Vietnamese men play basketball in pants, then you don't know. Get out there and meet some men because they got men out there, some beautiful viettes out there, just pantalones, fashonis, boy, and just gunning from deep. Dude, you'll see a guy shoot from 70 feet with a volleyball. Bang, bang. That's a nine-pointer, baby. So I'm just saying that I would like to see that. You know, you telling me you can't find a Kobe Bryant? A little Japanese guy or a Mexican guy?

Starting point is 00:42:11 Dude, come on. I want to see it because I want to see it. Then that seems like more of a team. That's more of a sport that exemplifies everything. You know, that's why I want to see a golfer in a wheelchair and put him in the fucking, you know, I want to see him set a break on a really steep hill and fucking hit that six iron. A hundred and forty yards. I want to see people set it off. You know, and sure, shit gets risky on that hillside if it's windy.

Starting point is 00:42:46 Or if it's slow, you know, if there's a small avalanche. But whatever, you got to get a little bit extra insurance on that guy. Because he's out there. But, you know, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Or seeing somebody with no arms be in the swim competition. Get in the pool. That's Sally right there. And they call him Sally Mander. And that dude be out there just

Starting point is 00:43:10 face first. Boy, just snaking. Just snaking through that. And that's the vibe I want to see. That Viallo. Mix it all together. Let's see who really wins this shit. That's what I want to see that Viallo. You know, mix it all together. Let's see who really wins this shit. That's what I want to see sometimes. I just want to see, I don't want forced diversity, but I want to see things mixed so that it just feels like fucking reality. Because you're telling me this dude, they got men out there seven feet tall

Starting point is 00:43:40 and the goal is only 10 feet. That's not hard to play on, dude. That's easy. Matter of fact, that's easy. Put that thing at 13 feet. Let's see who's a real moon walker then. Sorry, I didn't mean to go off, but I just get cued in and I get fired up. But thank you guys for being here on this past weekend. You know what's crazy? We're coming up on 100 episodes. Isn't that wild? 100 episodes. And I remember when we started this thing on December.

Starting point is 00:44:13 I want to say December 19th or December 18th. I don't even know, honestly. I should look. But man, I want to thank you guys so much for being here with us so far. And things are growing so fast. And we have so much neat stuff happening. And I really, really want to thank you guys so much for being here with us so far and things are growing so fast and we have so much neat stuff happening. And I really, really want to thank you guys. I want to say we have some, uh, some great dates coming up. One of those is going to be in West Siloam Springs and that's coming up at Cherokee Casino, West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma. Now, if you know somebody in that area, that's a single mother who doesn't usually get out, that we could accommodate their evening, take care of them, get them and a friend out to a show, and take care of their babysitter, let us know.

Starting point is 00:44:54 And you can hit me up, theovon.com, under contact on there, or theovon.com slash podcast. There's a way to get in touch right there. And you may not know anybody and that's fine. And I wouldn't say anything to them yet or anything like that. But if you do know somebody in that area, Cherokee Casino, I'll be there June 9th. And that's in two weeks. West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma. Hit us up on the hotline or through the websites and let us know.

Starting point is 00:45:24 And we're going to see if we can can do something nice out there for a single mom and get this little program rolling. June 15th through 16th, Yuck Yucks Calgary, Alberta, Canada. June 23rd, Timbler Brewing Company, Bakersfield. We just added a second show. June 29th, I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Stark County, Illinois. And that's in the town of Wyoming, Illinois. And that's a fundraiser.

Starting point is 00:45:47 July 6th through the 8th at Levity Live in Oxnard, California. July 20th through the 22nd, Charlie Goodnight's Raleigh, North Carolina. August 16th through 18th, Laugh Factory Chicago. September 14th and 15th, that's Zany's in Nashville, Tennessee, October 18th through the 20th. That's Skyline Comedy Club, Appleton, Wisconsin, November 1 through 3, Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York. We're also adding dates, I believe, for Toronto and who knows where else. All right. The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503.

Starting point is 00:46:25 Let's get into a few calls here. Here we go. Hey, Leo, this is John. It's Theo, but let's hear more John. Thank you for calling. Amelia. And Tom. And my two cats. John, Amelia, Tom, and two cats. Boy, that sounds like a low-key swingers meetup over there in Connecticut or something. That sounds like something rich people are doing.

Starting point is 00:46:45 Onwards. We got a story for you. So we live in this town called Colesnick, New Jersey. It's in New Jersey. And right next to us is a town called Holmdel. And just the other day, a story broke where the Holmdel High School superintendent was found out to be shitting on the track of their school. Okay, so you're talking about defecation, athletics, onward. Amelia, who said her name before, pointed out that that just just something that we need to tell to Theo Vaughn. Well, I appreciate you calling this in, John, Amelia, and Tom.

Starting point is 00:47:33 Well, yeah, I mean, the guy, you said he was doing it daily. I'm not surprised by that because people defecate daily. I don't trust anybody that doesn't defecate six times a week. If you're out there defecating five times, then that's pretty crazy. Because that means you're just running around, you know, you're just hiding, you know, defecation in your body. You know, you're just out there, you're just mulling your own dookie around. You're just a dookie mule for yourself. Get it out of your body.

Starting point is 00:48:04 You got to do six times a week. I got an old friend, you know, and I had to let him go because he only shit twice a week. Huh? So that means every time I'm talking to you, you just, you got like, you know,

Starting point is 00:48:18 you got probably about 60 grams of just defecation just hanging out in your body for no reason because you're too lazy to let it out. It's like somebody that doesn't take their dog for a walk. You know what I'm saying? You got to take those body dogs for a walk and just walk them right into that tank, into that bathroom tank. That's wild. So it just, if somebody ain't shitting six times a week, then, then are we friends?

Starting point is 00:48:42 I don't know. I really don't know. But look, this man is superintendent of schools. Obviously, he was probably fed up with his job and he just couldn't find a way to do it. And also, once you start doing stuff outdoors and you start, you know, you get out more outdoors, that stuff gets addictive. You know, you go for one run, you want to go for another run. You know, and if you shit probably once on a track, then I could see probably doing it, it getting probably addictive.

Starting point is 00:49:11 I mean, addiction is crazy. People are addicted to everything. There are meetings in Los Angeles for people who are addicted to Chapstick. There's meetings for people who are addicted to not blinking. There's people that don't want to blink. Think about that.

Starting point is 00:49:28 Just dry-eyed as fuck. Just trying to hold them open all day until they go to bed at night. That's the dark arts. And there's people like that. So I'm not surprised. The superintendent of schools, he probably got some ego. He thinks he's this big bad dude. He's running the show.

Starting point is 00:49:48 And next thing you know, he's out there defecating. And also, though, maybe he didn't like his janitorial staff. Maybe he thought the staff was slacking. Maybe this is his last term and he didn't give a damn. Maybe he's trying to get a new mascot. You know? The brown bombers. And this dude's just trying to lay a track in people's heads first before he lobs that name out there. But I appreciate you guys calling in. I don't trust anybody that don't shit six times a week. And I don't think that you should.

Starting point is 00:50:17 But I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I'll tell you what I'm doing. And I'm not trusting people that don't go number two when they have to do it. What are you doing? Your body is saying, hey, I'm all good here. And you're saying, nah, you keep that in your mouth. Come on, come on.

Starting point is 00:50:42 Who are we? Are we rhythm or are we dancers let's take another call here thank you guys for calling in from uh great neck new jersey or colt's neck or whatever it was something um someplace out there in uh the beautiful new jersey real people out there and i respect it onward what's up for you um just calling in maybe for a little advice. Thanks for calling. I don't have advice for you, but I'll definitely, I'll give you some, I'll give you a suggestion that I have. And I don't say that, you know, it's kind of to reprimand you in any way, but, but for me, I don't hear advice that well, but I hear suggestions because,

Starting point is 00:51:20 you know, advice, if I get advice from people, it makes me think, for from people it makes me think for me it makes me think that that person thinks they know more than me and for some reason you know I'm a you know I'm I'm a I've always you know or when I was young I had to always do things for myself and so I don't like to take other people's advice because you know there's something inside of me that's like I'm not listening to that person you know I I've always taken care of myself. I know what's best for me. But a suggestion, I'm able to hear those a little bit more. And so I'm going to offer a suggestion, though.

Starting point is 00:51:55 And I do appreciate you calling, man. It's brave of you to call and hit the hotline, 985-664-9503. Thanks for calling. Let's hear more. I am currently living with my parents. Okay, you're currently living with the rents, calling. Let's hear more. I am currently with my parents. Okay. You currently live with the rents, dude.

Starting point is 00:52:09 And that's okay. You know what? I don't like about living with the parents though, is, uh, you got to smell other people's bodies. You know, your parents,

Starting point is 00:52:16 it's cool when you're young because they're smelling you. You're the one making the smells around the house. But when you get a little older and you're still at your folks house, then you start smelling them. And it's like, oh, oh, why? Just graduated. I have a full-time job, starting a career. Wow, good for you. And my girlfriend wants to move in with me.

Starting point is 00:52:41 And that's that new-age lady. A lot of these new age ladies When I was young you would put a ladder on your lady's door And sneak up there at night And then right when you got into her bedroom Her dad would pop up from behind the bed And punch you in the fucking neck But now you got these ladies They trying to sneak in

Starting point is 00:53:00 You know you don't even know I unpacked one of my bags at home the other day It had two ladies in it like who were these ladies but thanks for calling onward and I got a little bit student debt and money is a little bit tight but I can

Starting point is 00:53:17 do it and it's feasible and so I'm just wondering if you know this is the right decision what your thoughts and comments are about it I'm 24 wondering if, you know, this is the right decision, what your thoughts and comments are about it. I'm 24. I think it's time to, you know, get out of my parents' house and move on. But scary, you know, I already made a decision that I think I'm going to do it.

Starting point is 00:53:37 But so I was wondering if you had any advice, you know, thoughts, comments for me. There you go. And I appreciate you calling. And I'll say this about moving out. It sounds like you're a responsible guy. And I applaud that. I mean, a lot of 24-year-olds, they don't even know. A lot of these kids out there sitting in their front yard on LSD,

Starting point is 00:53:59 just trying to figure out if their toes are in the best order, naturally, by height or whatever, classification, whatever. But you sound like you labeled off a couple things. You have a job. You just graduated. You're working full time. You're managing. You're juggling a relationship.

Starting point is 00:54:15 You're understanding that you're moving out and that there's some responsibility added there. Man, it sounds like you're doing okay. I think you're going to be fine. And I'll say this, man. I don't know your parents, but I'm proud of you, dude. Look, I have zero kids, but I would be so proud if you were my kid. I mean, you sound like somebody that cares about yourself. That's taken a lot of responsibility.

Starting point is 00:54:43 And so your parents will always be there. If things get tough and you have to go back, that's not taking a loss, that's taking a learn. You know, through any experience, even if it doesn't work out for you, you can take an L and that L can be a learning. You know, and I actually, that's our charter sponsor is Gray Block Pizza

Starting point is 00:55:04 and the man that runs, that started that company is this gentleman, Thomas. And he taught me about that. And it's, and it's helped me. It's helped me when I feel like, damn, I lost that shit. But nah, I learned it. And next time I'll do it differently. Yeah, I mean, look, you're going to have some freedom though. You're going to have some freedom.

Starting point is 00:55:23 You know, your parents will probably look at you a little different. You'll start to, you know, get some different airs. Some new ideas will come into your head when you're in a space because when you put yourself in uncomfort, you know, your brain will find ways and the world will find ways a lot of times to even things out for you, to get you back into comfort. And so you don't know the world might give you a new opportunity. Your brain might look at things a little bit differently and find a way to make something in your life that was tougher before make it easier for you now. You know, it's amazing what pressure can do to your brain, what positive pressure.

Starting point is 00:56:04 And I consider moving out, you know, I consider that putting like a positive pressure on yourself. You know, because it's, you know, it's amazing what is inside of us, what our higher powers or whatever put inside of us. Dude, we are remarkable creatures. I mean, we're also straight Muppets. You know, somebody right now is listening to this and just walked into traffic. And you know what? We appreciate them taking one for the team. But we're remarkable creatures in the sense that

Starting point is 00:56:40 when we put ourselves into uncomfort, when we put ourselves into change, that we will a lot of times rise to the occasion. And you sound like somebody that might. You really sound like somebody that might. So I say give it a shot. And you can always take a learn. You can always take a step back.

Starting point is 00:56:59 I'm sure your parents would love to have you back in the house. I don't know them. Maybe they're getting tired of splitting that pizza. You know, maybe y'all are getting tired of smelling each other, but you know, I'm sure you sound like a nice, a good son. And I bet that they're super proud of you. And I'm sure that they would be happy to have you in the house if you got to go back. Look, I moved in and out of the house nine times with a family that wasn't even mine. So it's okay if you have to. And with the girlfriend situation, now having her move in with you immediately

Starting point is 00:57:34 when you get out, I mean, maybe you're headed for marriage and that's where you're looking for. You know, maybe I might take a secondary beat there and just kind of feel that out a little bit more, you know, even if it's just a couple weeks by yourself, but if she's already living with you and you guys are going together, then go do it.

Starting point is 00:57:54 You know, you can always take a step sideways and that's just a step to, uh, to think about things or you can always, um, take a learn brother. Uh, let's see.

Starting point is 00:58:04 Uh, let's get onward and take another question. Onward. Hey, what's up, Dio? It's Brian from Los Angeles. What's up, Brian from Los Angeles? Thanks for calling in. But this is more kind of like a recommendation or just kind of like trying to stop kind of thing.

Starting point is 00:58:20 Okay. You had that one homeboy from Greyhound. We just got to talk to him. But, yeah, he might have been a plant. He might have been a government plant. Onward. I just try to get into his mind about how it works. But what's wrong with getting people on your podcast, whether they're a mechanic, doctor, chef, anything like that. Just get their inside, their experience

Starting point is 00:59:05 things that they see I'm a mechanic I just want to because that's you there's a couple great stories out there I appreciate that call Brian look, I'm trying not

Starting point is 00:59:22 to close off my mind to any type of guest I'm still learning a close off my mind to any type of guest. You know, I'm still learning a lot about being with guests. You know, some guests, it's almost like a script with them. They just go into it and start communicating, and it's hard to even get questions in. You know, I want to get people in that I can conversate more with. I want to have people in that I have some sort of a purpose to talk to. And you're right. That should be anyone. And it is, you know, but it's also like you get a guy, you know,

Starting point is 00:59:52 you think that you get a guy who's going to be, have a lot to share and a lot of insight, like the Greyhound driver, and he didn't have much. And that's why we have to do another Greyhound episode coming up when we're looking for a better driver. If you know anybody that has worked for Greyhound who lives in the Los Angeles area, we'll pay them for their time, but we'd love to have them come on. So you can hit the hotline and let us know that. But look, I want to have all types of regular people.

Starting point is 01:00:17 You know, anybody. People that can hold their breath. Midwives. Con artists. You know, people that maybe were accused of, you know, dirty crimes.

Starting point is 01:00:34 Rapists or whatever, but didn't do it. Didn't do it. You know, murderers who did their time. I'm interested in anybody and if there's somebody out there that you think has a really special guest that you think is a, you have a really special guest that you think is great, hit the hotline.

Starting point is 01:00:47 Let us know. Make sure they live in Los Angeles. You know what I'm saying? We don't have that kind of a budget. But we will, you know, we want to have interesting people and we're going to continue to.

Starting point is 01:00:56 But I appreciate you saying that, Brian. Yeah, everybody has a story. But we also have to make sure that people can, you know, have some ability to share that story so that we can, just because we owe that to our listeners and we owe have to make sure that people can, you know, have some ability to share that story so that we can just, because we owe that to our listeners and we owe that to ourselves. And we also don't want to get somebody in here and make them feel

Starting point is 01:01:11 uncomfortable. You know, if you get some cats like to get their hair cut, like to get their hair styled, you know, sometime you'll see a cat with a little bit of a Jerry curl around its asshole. But sometimes you get a cat and you break out that hair coloring kit and they jump out the seat. And that's not the kind of cat we want. We want the cat that's ready

Starting point is 01:01:33 to have a little bit of S curl or a finger wave around that anus. Let's hear more. Let's take another call here. And look, we'll go in and out of the calls. It's not like once we get into the calls, we go through the calls. This is what it is.

Starting point is 01:01:47 This is Memorial Day weekend. You know, people died so we could do this however we want. You know, people, can you believe that people died? People died, man. Some of you listeners right now, you lost a family member. You know, were you looking at some of y'all, you know, scratching a ghost leg, trying to scratch your arm right now. You don't even have an arm because you left your arm in another country.

Starting point is 01:02:17 Defending this one. I mean, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for this country. We're going to do great things. I'm not sitting here listening to the news telling me this and that and fighting about who should be here and who shouldn't be here. Onward, baby. I'm moving onward.

Starting point is 01:02:37 If somebody needs help and I'm there, I'm going to help. But I'm not falling into this trap of this bullshit, constantly baiting me into thinking that America's bad. Things are going okay. And I think actually things are going better than okay. I think we're in a better place now than we were 10 years ago. I hope we are. I think we have a lot of the same problems.

Starting point is 01:02:57 But I think we need to start thinking more about solution and just quit complaining about everything. What is the solution? Where do we find it? And I fall into it too. Man, we all do. Maybe we all don't. I do. You know, I get caught up in the complaints. If you need me, I'll be in the complaints section, trying on a couple of complaints. You know?

Starting point is 01:03:19 How does this, you know, this, you know, how does this this complain dress fit me? Just trying on complaints. Oh, how does this shoulda, woulda, coulda, wife beater fit me? Is it too tight? Let's take another call. Here we go. Yo, what's up, Dio?

Starting point is 01:03:51 This is Eric calling from California. Hey, Eric from California. I'm in your state as well right now. Thank you for calling, brother. Onward. Northern California. Been listening to your podcast. Just heard this one last past week

Starting point is 01:04:06 where you were on Joe Rogan's. Yeah, and thank you for listening to that too, man. Joe sent me a text on Friday saying how he got in such a nice response. And man, I got such a great response, I can't even tell you. No joke, I think I got maybe three, four thousand DMs

Starting point is 01:04:24 just about the podcast. But what? I can't even. It would take me two months to respond to all of them. And I've tried on some. It's just overwhelming. You know, it's overwhelming to even just be on your phone that much. But thank you guys so much for people that have reached out and just said that they enjoyed listening to that.

Starting point is 01:04:43 I enjoyed it. I talked about it on my last episode. Onward. That's 64 box coloring right there, boy. But I heard you come back and contemplate and like think in that whole universe. Like if you would have met yourself, would you be like proud or, you know, how would you feel? And I've been kind of thinking about that myself.

Starting point is 01:05:06 And, man, you know, as silly as this might sound, that's kind of what I needed to hear to just put the fucking bottle down, man. I figured if I met myself, I wouldn't like who I was meeting. I was about to pour myself a drink, and I just decided not to, you know, because I wouldn't like that guy. But it made me think a little. Thanks, Dio. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:05:32 Thanks for the call. Yeah. Well, Joe made me think and we're just out here playing telephone, making people think. But I'm glad I could help you think a little bit.

Starting point is 01:05:44 Yeah, sometimes I've been to those moments like, what is this next one going to do for me? Or what is this next page of pornography? Or what is this next mean text? Or what is this next hit off this joint? Or what is this next gram of cocaine? Or what is this next parking of cocaine or what is this next you know parking in my neighbor's yard or what is this when what is it going to do for me you know I get to I've been to those moments we're just run like you know things work for you

Starting point is 01:06:19 even if they're things that aren't good for you they work for you until they don't work anymore. And then for me, I have to ask myself, well, why, why, why, what am I using this for in the first place? Is it a thought that I don't want to think about? Is it an uncomfort? Like if I don't pour that beer, then I just sit there uncomfortable. What is that uncomfort? What is it? Because that's what my real, that's my dark artist. Whatever that uncomfort is that makes me get to the point where whatever I'm using to check out of myself, whatever I'm using to escape doesn't work, then that's when it's like, okay, I need to look at this a little more. What am I? I don't feel good about what?

Starting point is 01:07:15 I don't feel good about what I'm doing. I don't feel good about what somebody's doing to me. I don't feel, I feel less than, I feel shameful. What do I feel less than. I feel shameful. What do I feel? And that's what, you know, for me, that kind of stuff is that's where all that goes. It's starting then that self-exploration. And I'm just out here spelunking into myself trying to. Huh.

Starting point is 01:07:39 This is a dirt. Man, this can be a dirty road we live on. But they got a lot of tables of water set up as we're jogging it, don't they? And we get those hitters from different people. You know, and I listen to Joe and you listen here. And then somebody else listens to this now because you called in. And we're all thinking. You know, we're all thinking.

Starting point is 01:08:03 Onward. Let's hear more. Thanks for calling, Eric. And also, if you fucking party and do shit and you're doing it good, keep on. Keep on. Here we go. Hey, how's it going?

Starting point is 01:08:16 Theo Vaughn and to anyone listening. I was just calling in to give my best worst weekend. Okay, and this will be the last submission for this week. Each week we have, you can call in and let us know what your best or worst weekend, how your weekend was, if it was the best or worst.

Starting point is 01:08:33 Make sure it's one or the other. Don't call in with some mediocre weekend, you know. You and Gunther went over to the lake or something, you know, and ate a jar of olives together. Because you know why? Don't give a fuck. I want to hear something wild. You know? Somebody swallowed a damn barbell or something.

Starting point is 01:08:53 It needs to be interesting. But thank you for calling. You can hit those. On those stories, you can leave them at 985-664-9503 on the hotline. Once a month, we'll take the best or worst weekend,

Starting point is 01:09:03 whichever one it was, whoever that was in cinema this past weekend package. It's got these correctional center blue T-shirts, and we'll send you one of those and a couple of other items. Onward. On my way home from work, and I bike to and from work. I'm about seven miles away. It's about nine o'clock i'm heading down it's dark so i'm flying maybe 30 miles an hour okay you 30 miles an hour on a

Starting point is 01:09:31 bicycle it sound like you're trying to go uh catch a bag of dope because usually if you see an adult male doing 30 mphs on a bicicletta. He's after that cocaine, you feel me? Dude, he's on that tour de dust. He's hitting them French Alps to go get them white caps, you feel me? And I'm going, and before I know it, I'm just, you know, I saw the green and I'm going for it, and I see someone's making a left turn, I'm just I see it coming I had about maybe one second before I might get this is a yeah. I just let out one big just What do you think it was a fart fuck oh just a fuck okay, and I Smacked a side of his car and of course I go you know I fly up the loo you know

Starting point is 01:10:26 side of his car and of course I go you know I fly up I do you know dinner goes everywhere I'm on the top of his car a little bit and then I kind of push and roll off and land in the road cops end up showing up because he goes ahead and called them told me I didn't have a light on my bicycle whatever and they're just like it's okay cops show up they uh you know they just talk some information it's whatever it's good I'm walking it good. The police officer, he did a good thing. He fixed my bike right there on the spot. So shout out to him and PD. Okay, so you had some help from the officers. You hit a car with your bike.

Starting point is 01:10:53 You didn't have a light on it. Man, I can't do it. Honestly, I can't stand a lot of times. Sometimes, especially in Los Angeles, they try to force everything into. There's already so much traffic. And then they got bicyclists and everybody. They got jugglers. They got a lane for unicyclists. They got a lane for people that are afraid to be outside. They got a lane for people with Iditarod animals. They got a lane for people that are afraid of the sunlight. You know,

Starting point is 01:11:21 they got a lane for complete bitches. So, look, in California, some of this stuff gets way, it gets to be too much. I mean, I don't know if you had a bike helmet on or not. Honestly, I hope you didn't, bro, but not in a bad way for you. I can't trust an adult male that wears a bike helmet. Sorry. I'd rather my dad be jarred up in the brain than hear him tell me a story about when he got hit by a car and had a helmet on. I just can't because I picked then I would picture him with a helmet, with shorts, riding a bicycle. And then I would just, you know, picture him hopefully just riding on out of my life because I can't imagine that as a man that my cheese smell in me, what little I have,

Starting point is 01:12:06 I can't imagine. I can't imagine a man, a father that, that is not, that's not for me. You know, I want that dad that gets, you know, maybe he gets iced out by that, by a Trans Am or something. Cause I got hit by a Trans Am when I was young and he didn't have a helmet on and he's a little different, but he's still my dad and there's no pictures of him anywhere or proof that he ever wore a bike helmet as an adult male is that a crazy weekend

Starting point is 01:12:33 look it's tough it sounds tough for you dinner went everywhere you lost the dinner I feel bad for you bro I appreciate you calling with that if you have a good one or a bad one you can hit the hotline alright let's take a let's take another one. Here we go. Hey, Theo, it's Matt out here in Nashville again. Hey, Matt from Nashville. Thank you for calling. I'll be coming there, I believe, in September onward. I just wanted to kind of talk to you about smoking cigarettes a little bit because there's something that Ari said a long time ago about when people quit cigarettes, they want to tell everybody around them that they're

Starting point is 01:13:10 quitting cigarettes and everybody goes, oh, congratulations, you know, good for you. But it kind of jacks up your reward system because you get that final outcome of what you're looking for that like, oh, I did it. But you get it in the beginning when you haven't really done any work. Oh, that's interesting, Matt. I'm definitely guilty of that. Yeah, I'll have like two days or go a few days where I won't smoke or I won't do a certain thing. And then if I tell people, then it's over. Wow, I never thought about it that the reward system that I get that reward.

Starting point is 01:13:48 Because then I'm like, excuse me. Then they hear like, oh, congratulations. And I hear that. And I'm like, Oh great. People are already excited. I'm already doing great. And then, then there's no gold medal out there. It's almost the same thing in a way of like that. Everybody gets a trophy for playing in the ball game. You know, everybody gets a trophy that says you're great at baseball. That's a trophy. You know, one of everybody gets a trophy that says, you're great at baseball. That's a trophy. You know, one of my nephews got that trophy, you're great at baseball. Everybody got it. What the hell?

Starting point is 01:14:12 What does that even mean? So, and one of their kids on their team was blind. He's, you know, he can't see. God bless him. You know, and he might be able to see later. Let's don't feel too sorry for him because we don't know what God has planned for him. You know what I'm saying? He might bust out with those new fucking sight sockets in two years. And he may be, you know, he may, you know, he may go from

Starting point is 01:14:35 just black to 64 colors. I'm saying he may be just that renegade with that ROYGBIV. He may change the game up. So let's don't feel too sorry for the young guy at this point. But he got one. So now he got to fucking have his now his somebody got to read that to him. You're great at baseball. So he's sitting there in his head thinking I'm great at baseball, but I can't even fucking see. So then what does he go to do?

Starting point is 01:15:01 He turns into evil Knievel next, you know, he think he could do anything. So then what does he go to do? He turns into evil Knievel. Next thing you know, he thinks he could do anything. You know, and he rides a motorized bike or a motorized cart or something out into traffic. You know, just sometimes we don't want to lead people astray with some of these ideas. And we don't want to give them that reward before there is a reason for it. And I do that.

Starting point is 01:15:24 I'm grateful you brought that to my attention because I do that, man. You know, I want that. And I don't know if it's that I want the reward. And so that's why I tell people, you know, let's hear more. What do you have to, what other thoughts do you have, Matt? I quit smoking cigarettes when I did. That was about three years ago. But I'll be honest with you, man.

Starting point is 01:15:40 I've been, it's been about three weeks now. I've been back on them. Oh, you back on them. You back on them. Yeah. Oh, they back on them? You back on them, yeah. Oh, they get you. A cigarette, sometimes it seems like they got a long arm sticking out the bottom of them with a strong hand on it. And just when you think you just out there, just like trick long Mickey with them new clean hitters, and then they drag you right back in more white hitters i've been i've been on a card again and uh so i know how you're feeling man i know i know how the struggle is fucking real addiction but um but it's dumb as fuck too and you know that so i do and you're

Starting point is 01:16:19 right and you know what i can feel is even i can feel my lungs start to have a memory of a cigarette and that's the thing that gets scary is when you can feel is even, I can feel my lungs start to have a memory of a cigarette. And that's the thing that gets scary is when you can feel your lungs like, oh, oh, you know, it's almost like they're thinking. I can feel my lungs almost thinking about a cigarette. And that might sound crazy, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am. Thanks for calling up, Matt. Yeah, maybe I should watch out with that reward system. But, you know, just giving myself the, you're great at baseball. when I've only been, you know, barely swinging a bat for two days.

Starting point is 01:16:53 Let's crack into more. Hey, Mr. Vaughn. I just finished watching that tinfoil hat podcast when you were there with Eddie Bravo. At one point, man, it was so funny. You looked like me in my first calculus class when the teacher tells me, yeah, calculus, you remember that time in the fifth grade when they taught you this was the same thing, and it just blew my mind that they wanted me to remember all that stuff

Starting point is 01:17:24 after years and years it was so funny man well thanks for calling in about that yeah i went on tim foyle hat podcast if you haven't seen this podcast it's um you know they talk a lot about it's with eddie bravo and sam tripoli uh two men that i that i really admire that make me laugh. And they, man, but they're, it was off the deep end. I didn't think it was that deep that some people are out there talking about, you know, just things that they see in their, you know, it was everything. And by the, I just, it was like JFK, you know, Loch Ness Monster, It was like JFK, Loch Ness Monster, booby traps, booby traps.

Starting point is 01:18:10 We didn't land on the moon. It was just Tower 7, Tower 62. I couldn't even function. I thought I was going to end up on a list, and I had to bow out. I'm certainly open to talking about some of those things, conspiracy theories, flat earth, thinking about that. But this was deep. This was deep. And I didn't know that people went that deep. And that to me, I don't want to be in that depth. I do not want to be in that depth because I can't handle it. I couldn't handle it. It was too much at once for me. So I think I need to wait in the water. I got to get in there easy. I got to take it in slow. You know, I got to get in there slow. That's the deep end for me.

Starting point is 01:18:56 But thanks for calling in about that, about that tinfoil hat podcast. And look, I was thinking about this, about the moon landing. Here's one thing that strikes me about the moon landing. podcast. And look, I was thinking about this, about the moon landing. Here's one thing that strikes me about the moon landing. For one, I've met Buzz Aldrin and I looked in his eyes and he didn't look to me. It didn't look like he had been to the moon. And I'm not saying that, you know, everybody got that special lunar glow in their eye. got that special lunar glow in their eye. You know, everybody's got that galactic twinkle in one of their fucking face balls if they have been to the moon, but he didn't have it for me. You know, sometimes you meet somebody and it looks like, oh yeah, it looks like they've

Starting point is 01:19:38 been to Canada or it looks like they've been to Africa or they look, you know, exhausted and they smell like popcorn and it looks like they've been to Africa or they look, you know, exhausted and they smell like popcorn and it looks like they've been to the mall. Well, I looked at Mr. B. Aldrin and I looked at him and I was like, hmm, the look in his eyes, it didn't look like he had been to the moon. Now that's just what I'm saying. Also, I was thinking about this. Can you believe that we sent manned mission to the moon and successfully did it the first time?

Starting point is 01:20:11 What? What? Nobody does anything right the first time. What are the odds that we did it the first time? That's what gets me. The first time we tried it? Oh, we did it. Really?

Starting point is 01:20:32 Nah. I just can't fathom that. I can't fathom that the first time we tried it, we did it. It seemed like maybe the 60th time we did it right. Because, dude, you're going through all types of like the Van Horn Belt or whatever. Yeah, I think it's the Van Horn Belt. There's so many things you're doing out there. No, it's not the Van Horn Belt. What is it? Yeah, something. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:20:59 But it's something like they got that baby belt out there where all these little rocks are coming at you. Meteoroids, you know, Megasaurus or whatever. They got all of that shit out there. Milky Way, Galaxy, Galaxy, everything, you know, side angle, whatever. Everything's out there attacking you. We got it. We landed the first time. That's the part that's for me that I don't know.

Starting point is 01:21:25 Did I try to drive to Jacksonville one time? Got on the first time. That's the part that's for me that I don't know. Did I try to drive to Jacksonville one time? Got on the wrong road. The first time I tried to drive to Jacksonville. Okay. And ended up in about 80 miles north of Tallahassee. So just saying. And I'm not incompetent. I'm decently competent.'m probably set probably 80 competent so you're telling me we got to the moon first time we tried landed got out

Starting point is 01:21:53 people are dancing and stuff like that doubt skis okay i'm not trying to go full polish on you but uh doubt skis let's take another call here that came in. Here we go. Here we go, Joe. Hey, Theo, this is Joe in Minnesota. Hey, I just want to touch base with you on your comments about the school shootings and AR-15s. Thanks for calling Joe from Minnesota. I'm looking for a spot to do a couple shows on a Saturday night in Minnesota. If you know of one that seats about, you know, 150 to 200, let me know. Trying to get that done here in the next couple of weeks and just put it on the schedule for a little bit later in the year. You can just drop me a DM. Look, I already know the regular comedy clubs already know, but most of them, they want you there for a full

Starting point is 01:22:39 weekend. I'm already there for a Friday night doing some like Gary Vaynerchuk performance thing, but I want to do my own show there. Just hit the hotline or send me a DM. Onward? If they're to blame or they should be banned or... Let me start you over, Joe, so I can pay more attention. Please. Thanks. This is Joe in Minnesota.

Starting point is 01:23:00 Hey, I just want to touch base with you on your comments about the school shootings and AR-15s. Yep. Thank you for calling in about that. More? If they're to blame or they should be banned or whatnot, I think the main reason we get these shootings is because they're on the news and we show the kid's face and we give their name and their whole background. We've got to knock that off right away. That's a great point. We make, you know, we don't make, I don't, I'm not saying we make heroes out of these

Starting point is 01:23:34 people, out of these kids that do this, but we certainly, I mean, yeah, we put their faces, we put all this information, we put their, you know, the videos that they, you know, if they made a video before they did it and before they harmed themselves or committed suicide, all that stuff goes out and immediately. Without even knowing the effects, what that has long term and without even knowing, you know, if that desensitizes other children at a certain point. You know, if that desensitizes other children at a certain point. But yeah, you're in a world and at a time where social media and digital acclaim and having a digital persona is everything. Or not everything, but it's a lot of things. Especially I'm assuming like in high school. You know, a lot of these kids, you know, younger people live on their tablets. I mean, at my age alone, we're already infected enough by it, but you know, I'm sure that

Starting point is 01:24:31 they just see themselves, oh, well, digitally, I'll just be this villain and that'll be my role and I'll be on the news and I'll be, and they'll all be talking about me. And somebody that feels so lonely suddenly knows that they'll be talked about, that they will be looked at in awe, even if it's a negative awe, but they're looked at in awe. And for somebody that feels probably never recognized, to then have the opportunity to be looked at in awe,

Starting point is 01:25:04 probably never recognized, to then have the opportunity to be looked at in awe. I mean, that's, you know, yeah, we do that. It's probably not helpful. And I'm sure the news does not care. You want to talk about an organ that I don't think has a brain in its brain or in its heart. I think it's some of these news networks. I really do. And you don't have to agree with me on that. And that's okay. And I could be wrong. I really could. Onward. I think you'll see him disappear or hopefully disappear after that happens. I know we could do that. We're a free country where people can report on anything, but I think that has to change.

Starting point is 01:25:48 As far as the guns go, you know, you can't, I don't think you can blame the guns at all. We're a free country where we can have a lot of dangerous toys and do dangerous things, and, you know, you start taking those things away. You take away the AR-15. You take away the car that can go 155 miles an hour, and you take away the right to go in a liquor store, get a fifth of Jack Daniels, and dress up your pit bull like a minion and take him to your sister's birthday party.

Starting point is 01:26:15 You can do all kinds of stupid shit. And anyway, that's just my two. I appreciate your two there, Joe, from Minnesota. Yeah, I know that's a lot of people's fear. Once you start taking away some things that other things, what else are we not going to be able to do? What else are you not going to be able to do? And I had someone send me a DM the other day about assault rifles and that they're not the most – most people don't die from those in America and this sort of thing. I get that.

Starting point is 01:26:41 in America and this sort of thing. I get that. But I think as a general idea, if it helps people feel more comfortable, even though it might not actually solve anything, then does it hurt to pass laws that you need more time to get a gun? That you, that they don't make guns that, you know, how about,

Starting point is 01:27:02 what about some hard rubber bullets? What about rubber cars? People die in car accidents every year. That, you know, how about, what about some hard rubber bullets? What about rubber cars? People die in car accidents every year. Where's the fucks is the rubber cars? You don't think I'll drive a fucking rubberari? Huh? You don't think I'll roll in a con-rub-r-dable?

Starting point is 01:27:22 Dude, rubber cars. You'd have full-on collisions. You're furious on the interstate at somebody Have it out Rubber cars Dude, imagine putting on a rubber On your yanker And driving a rubber car Dude, you could drive through

Starting point is 01:27:39 The dirtiest ladies or men in town And be fine You know what I'm saying? You could go four-wheel driving somebody's deep end and be A-okay. Rubber cars, we need more rubber. And I know we have rubber because we have all these extra trees. Dude, I've been driving past trees before and smelled rubber. So what do you think that is?

Starting point is 01:28:07 You telling me that I don't? No, that's rubber, man. Some of these trees have rubber in them. They're hiding it. And we got to get in there. Get in there. And we got to get them. And look, the future is ours, but I'm saying rubber cars, rubber shirts. Imagine giving somebody a hug and bouncing out of it real fast, right back where you are. Sometimes if you hug somebody, you know, it takes almost a full second to get back to your, you know, natural, you know, position one. Imagine getting in, bouncing right back and you're ready for conversation immediately. That's what I'm talking about. More rubber stuff stuff we can do it guys I know we can

Starting point is 01:28:47 but thank you for calling in with your thoughts there Joe let's take another call here here we go this is a call looking for suggestions we'll get into some of those also I want to let you know today's episode is brought to you by The Ridge Wallet The Ridge is a minimalist front pocket wallet

Starting point is 01:29:03 it's an exciting little, little, just that, you know, that hard front carry baby bag. Cause sometimes you have that thing in your hip and it looks like, Oh, he, you know, that man has dysplasia. You know, that man, you know, he probably grew up with wild hips and he doesn't know how to use his legs correctly, or he walks sideways or, you know, maybe one of his grandparents was a spider, but that's because really it's not anything wrong with that person. It's just, correctly or he walked sideways or maybe one of his grandparents was a spider. But that's because really it's not anything wrong with that person. It's just they have a rear wallet.

Starting point is 01:29:33 So now what you can get is the Ridge wallet, and I use one. And at first I wasn't sure about it. By day three, I'm in. Ridge me out. You can get in my Ridge. And the Ridge wallet, it's a front pocket carry. And you get rid of all the old things you were carrying around your wallet, you don't need, you don't need that receipt, dude.

Starting point is 01:29:49 Nobody, honestly, nobody gives a fuck about it. Not even you. So you can get rid of all those things. The Ridge wallet, it's simple, it's minimal. You put it in that front pocket, it's that front pocket carry. Go to ridgewallet.com slash Theo and get that hitter, man. It's a beautiful deal.

Starting point is 01:30:03 You get 10% off right there. Now it's a higher, it's a bit of a luxury item. So recognize that it's not for everybody. And if you can't afford it, don't feel pressured. But it is an item. And you can go to RidgeWallet.com slash Theo and get 10% off. All right, let's go into another call here.

Starting point is 01:30:21 Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Here we go. What's up, Theo? This is Mike from the Here we go. What's up, Theo? This is Mike from the 30 Jers. What's up, Mike? We got a lot of Jersey coming in. Thank you for calling, Mike. I hear you're talking about farming and whatnot. I'm working on an organic farm

Starting point is 01:30:38 with two other people. Oh, thanks for calling. Yeah, I used to work on corn sowing, cotton, milo. What else do we have? Oh, and bees. We weren't farming bees, but them, man, they were hoeing my rows a couple times, bro. I've definitely been stung out. Onward. A lot of hard work. I mean, from what I've heard, you've been working on a farm and I love hearing about it. But I was just wondering, what should you do when you know more than your boss? Kind of gives me shit. Not shit, just some stuff doesn't make sense. And I've only been working on this farm for maybe two months.

Starting point is 01:31:23 Okay, thanks for calling, Mike. What should you do when you know more than your boss? Well, at first, I think you should keep it to yourself. You know, sometimes you can try to show it through your work. And if your boss can't see what you, say if you have a way that you think is better, if you just tell them that, you know, just tell them directly,

Starting point is 01:31:43 it's almost like on here. It's like if we just offer advice then it's it can be tricky but if we try and offer a suggestion like it's just a safer way to do it so what i would suggest is that first don't say don't say anything just off the cuff until you have like a real plan and two if you think it's a way that you can help them actually business-wise and save some money, and if they don't see it at first, whatever your method is or your means, then maybe what you need, you need to alter the way that you're showing it to them.

Starting point is 01:32:19 And if you know that they just don't take, you know, just a direct, this is how to do it, they're not going to like that, then you need to just show it to them in a way where maybe you don't tell them at all. Maybe you just show them repeatedly by example and then let them suggest it because they'll still get the same outcome. You'll still get the same outcome too because then they just see, oh, this person knows what they're doing and they know how to take what I want them to do and to do it better. They're still going to know that.

Starting point is 01:32:50 They'll know that. But if you say, oh, this is how to do it, then they may hold it against you and they may not, you know, and then they may let you go and then just start doing it your way with somebody else. You know, they just might not be open to that type of criticism. So I think if they're not seeing the better way that you're showing them, then just try

Starting point is 01:33:14 to find a different way to show them. But I would show them instead of tell them. That's what I would try to do. And I think that that could be helpful. And that's just a suggestion, dude. Also, I don't know. But yeah, we don't want to hear it. We don't want to hear that somebody knows better than us a lot of times.

Starting point is 01:33:33 We don't want to hear that. Onward. Hey, Theo, what's going on? It's your boy Cody in South Carolina. Thanks for calling, Cody. Let's hear more. You're always talking about feeling out of place or inadequate. And when I feel inadequate is when I have to take my car to the mechanic.

Starting point is 01:33:50 Oh, yeah. That shit can make you really feel just like a tall child. It always feels like I have to take a test when you go in there. Because it's like, hey, man, you know, something's wrong with my car. And they're like, well, what's wrong with it? I'm like, I don't fucking know because I'm not a mechanic. You know? Like, I don't know shit about mechanics.

Starting point is 01:34:08 Like, I'm a manly dude. I do man shit. You know, I've been to Afghanistan, deployment. I got a family. Thanks for your service, bud. Homeward. I do things, but I don't know anything about cars. So when I go in there, I feel like this guy's got one up on me, you know, already.

Starting point is 01:34:24 And then you never know how much it's going to cost. It's like waiting for some sort of AIDS test for your car. When you go back in there, it might be $100, it might be fucking $700. Yeah, you don't know. And that feels,

Starting point is 01:34:40 you feel, or I feel, when that happens, I feel like someone could really take advantage of me. And that's not a good feeling. So, my question is, if there's any mechanics out there, how should we approach a mechanic? We don't know shit, dude.

Starting point is 01:34:55 That's a good question. And look, we had a mechanic that called in earlier. You know? That was Brian. So maybe he'll be able to, if he hears this, he'll be able to send in a call and we'll put it on next week's episode to have an answer. But yeah, if you're a consumer with a car and you go to a mechanic, how do you get it right? I mean, here's some things that I could suggest, bro, is that, you know, I had a police officer one time was giving me a ticket. Oh, he was actually impounded.

Starting point is 01:35:21 They were taking my car in because I had bad plates and I had this and that and You know, I hadn't taken care of my responsibilities And so this gentleman as he's writing it up and he said they're coming to tow it and all this I said look man. I said I just want you to know I said I wouldn't do this to you That's what I told him And at first he was being real, you know, he was I don't know. Maybe that crazy day I don't know. He was he was really d, you know, he was, I don't know, maybe that crazy dad. I don't know. He was really dicking me, dicking me down, bro. You know, proverbially dicking me down, invisibly dicking me down to some invisible dicks.

Starting point is 01:35:50 John, John, what is that? Oh, invisible cags. But then when I said to him, I said, look, man, I wouldn't do this to you. I said, I'm having a tough time right now. You know, I don't have any money. I'm over here for a work meeting. I'm trying to get a little bit of a leg up. And I know I didn't take care of my responsibilities, but you take this car away, man. You know, I need to fly out tonight to the airport. This is going to put me

Starting point is 01:36:13 in a really tough position. And I said, I wouldn't do this to you. And he still took my car away. But when I got to the police station to get it out to impound it, he already had all the paperwork done. And the other officer there said, wow, I don't know what you guys talked about, but he never does this. You know, I'm amazed that they have this done. Usually it's a day or something or whatever before they get this paperwork in. And I don't know if that had an effect, but I was just really honest with the guy. And so maybe that's, you know, what if you went in there and said, look, you know, my budgets are tight.

Starting point is 01:36:49 I have two children. You know, I work off of a GI bill. You know, I'm going through school. I was a service member, whatever. And I don't know anything about mechanicing, you know. Now, ways that I could help you are if you ask me about this. Mechanicking. Now, ways that I could help you are if you ask me about this, if you ask me about hand-to-hand combat, you ask me about what weapons should I purchase safely to try and protect my family.

Starting point is 01:37:20 If you ask me about what's the best way to stay cool in the Afghanistan summer, those are things you'd be able to help him with. But just say, hey, these are things I do know, and what I don't know is mechanicing. And I don't know that I can afford to be just screwed over. So I'm asking you, just man to man, you know, how much does this cost? And just know that if you came to me, and I was a mechanic, and you were a customer, that I would treat you 100% fairly. And if that's true and you would, then I think he'll feel that. And if you still get an uncomfortable feeling, then trust your gut. Trust that brain in your gut, baby boy. You got that, you know, that mem belly, that cerebelly. And I think that's it sometimes. Just lay it out straight.

Starting point is 01:38:04 Look, here's who I am. Be vulnerable. Here's who I am. This is my scenario. I don't have a million dollars, and I don't know about mechanicing, but I need some help here. I just need you to know that this is where I am,

Starting point is 01:38:17 and I wouldn't take advantage of you, and sometimes when you put it like that to people, it takes it out of that business thing, and it puts it into a human thing. Then they feel better. Instead of making more money, if they have any sort of heart, they feel better about making more esteem for themselves. Because they're not going to screw you over. They're going to do something esteemable.

Starting point is 01:38:40 They're going to do something kind. Because esteemable people do esteemable things. But that's just a suggestion, man. But good luck out there. I hate that feeling. But we can't know it all. And sometimes we have to be vulnerable. And just assume that the guy is going to treat us well.

Starting point is 01:39:01 Good luck, Cody. Thank you for that. Let's take another call here. Hey, Phil. You can call me. Let's take another call here. Hey, you can call me Amy. I'm from Saudi Arabia. Okay, Amy from Saudi Arabia. Thank you for calling. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety too for maybe seven, eight months.

Starting point is 01:39:21 Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, it's hectic. I can't imagine, especially in Saudi Arabia where it can be really hot. You know, anxiety and depression aren't fun and they're definitely not fun when it's really hot outside. Let's hear more. Probably more. I don't know, but I can't visit or see a therapist here because, you know, they're very expensive and from what I've heard, they are very bad. Okay, so she can't see or hear a therapist there because they are very expensive and

Starting point is 01:39:54 from what she's heard, very bad. More? But honestly, I don't know why I'm making this call, but maybe you can give me an advice or something that will make this more bearable. Because I had suicidal thoughts for quite a while now. And I still question why would someone keep on going when life is pretty shit. And, you know, it can be very bad here. I mean, it's Saudi Arabia, so that explains a lot. It's not a friendly country for women, especially.

Starting point is 01:40:34 Not for everyone, to be honest. And I just want to say, be good to yourself, Julesio. I really appreciate everything you do. And you're very awesome, and thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Amy or Annie. I'm sorry. I couldn't hear that part for calling. You know what's funny is you're saying this in this call

Starting point is 01:40:54 I'm thinking like, well, what if this was my mother calling? What if that was my mother or my sister calling a phone number in another country to share how they felt. And it makes me, you know, it makes me feel, well, I love you. You know, so don't feel alone.

Starting point is 01:41:15 I don't want you to feel that. I can imagine, you know, when you said it's very tough there in Saudi Arabia. Yeah, I mean, you know, we always hear that in the news. I mean, I've been to Saudi Arabia before and seen the men walk and have like three or four women dressed up walking behind them. And it has a very, what appeared to me, and look, I was just there in the airport I think twice to have like a very subservient type of vibe. I can imagine that. Yeah, we don't even think about that. Where do you get mental health help in a place like that?

Starting point is 01:41:57 Well, for one, you're reaching out to others. So that's really positive. And you have a beautiful voice. And you're not alone. You know, we have a lot of mental health problems here in America. So we have that in common. You know, I don't really know how to help cure your depression. I do know a couple things that taking a different contrary

Starting point is 01:42:26 action can help. So if you get up in the morning and you lay there for an extra half hour and you don't feel good, then you know that's going to happen. If that happens every day, you know that's going to happen. So you have to do something contrary to that. You have to get up right out of bed, even though you don't want to, and take a walk or listen to a song that you like or stretch or smile. Or sometimes I started doing this new thing where I think about something silly or stupid that I do. I think about something silly or stupid that I do personally, and I laugh at myself. And that puts me in a lot of different perspective when I can do that, when I can laugh at myself

Starting point is 01:43:08 at the beginning of the day. Because then I'm not taking myself so seriously. You can, you have to take, but you know, one thing that helps me is taking contrary action. You know, I know I don't want to go to the gym or to yoga and so I do it anyway. Because if I do it anyway, then I start to train myself to do something different than the previous actions, which have led me all to the same spot to be caught up in my anxiety and caught up in my depression. Because depression will tell you to not do anything. That's one of depression's main weapons. Oh, don't, don't do anything. You feel bad. That's one of depression's main weapons.

Starting point is 01:43:43 Oh, don't do anything. You feel bad. You know, feelings aren't facts. Feelings are not facts. If you take a contrary action, you take an action, your feelings will follow. There's no way you can go for a walk and not feel a little better than whenever you started the walk. There's no way. That's fact. That's a walk fact.

Starting point is 01:44:09 That's a walk fact. Dub Fs. So, you know, those are some things. But the cool thing is that I'm just now remembering is we have a guy named Christopher Ryan coming in who wrote a book called Sex at Dawn. He's a psychologist. So he knows more than me in this area for sure. I mean, I've certainly been a

Starting point is 01:44:25 victim of anxiety and depression. I certainly know that that shit grows on itself like a moss. And if you stay indoors and you don't get outdoors and you don't get in the sunlight and you don't let the higher powers of the world see you and see that you're a good person and you stay caught up and you stay cloaked inside, you know, and you stay inside of your bubble of nothing can change, then it's a petri dish for depression and anxiety. And that stuff just grows on itself until it's just a dark vine and it's living on the side of your face. And it's one of its tongs of one of its, you know, tentacles is just going into your ear.

Starting point is 01:45:04 and one of its tentacles is just going into your ear. And every time your brain wants to have a good idea, it just chokes it out, chokes it out a little bit. So you have to take some contrary actions. That's something that's helped me. So that's just an idea. But I'll ask him. I'll play this call for him, and I'll ask him when he's in here so we can get you a little bit of actual somebody who's certified with a little bit more education, a lot more education.

Starting point is 01:45:29 And I hear that he's a really great soul as well. He's been on Joe Rogan's podcast and he's a best friend of one of my best friends. So we'll play that for him, Amy or Annie. I couldn't hear your name, but just know that you're not alone and people love you. You know, I don't know if you know that, but I never thought in my life about how many women might be suffering with mental health disorders in Saudi Arabia. And you just opened my eyes up to that. So I'm a little upset by that because now that's something that I have to think about. to that. So I'm a little upset by that because now that's something that I have to think about. But I'm also grateful because

Starting point is 01:46:08 once we start to get better from some of our ailments, I feel like we have a responsibility to try and help others get better. You know? But keep your head up. All right, young lady, go for a walk and just know that we're thinking about you. We're talking about you right now. Isn't that, that's cool, right? That's cool. All right. Be good. Let's hear another question here. Hey Theo, I'm a student. I'm starting school on the 4th of June, there's just so much going on and so much

Starting point is 01:46:47 changing in the world, and I'm just always, I always feel like I just, I always feel like things could be better, I guess, I just feel like I could be, I could always feel better, I could always be better, better, better, better, you, better. It's just like, man, it's like, fuck. I don't even know, man. All right, I love you, man. Bye. Thanks for calling. That's exhausting, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:47:15 It's exhausting feeling like things can always be better. Things can always feel better. Better, better, better. Yeah. Wow, as you say that, man, I can relate to that so much. You know, I spent, and I still spend half of my day thinking about that.

Starting point is 01:47:30 You know, instead of just being grateful for where I am, you know, and being grateful that things are better. Things are better. Things are better than when I used to stand around just pressing my hands

Starting point is 01:47:42 against my hips thinking I had them in my pockets. You know, things are better. You know, now when I used to stand around just pressing my hands against my hips thinking I had them in my pockets. Things are better now when I'm able to sit here and think with other people about their issues instead of just being stuck in my own. Things are better. You know, things are better. You know, things are better when, you know, I'm able to go home and, you know, be upset by something that, you know, my mother didn't do on purpose, that it's just inadvertent. But it reminded me of all these feelings of how like my mother was never available to me. But now I know that that time is over. And she doesn't feel it that way. She doesn't know it that way. You know, all she knows is that she loves me now and that she's always loved me. And so whatever pain or whatever I have from previous, there's nothing I can. So all I can do now is just

Starting point is 01:48:44 so all I can do now is just be patient and just let her know that I care no matter what. And don't start a new grudge. And that's better than I used to be. It's wild, man, because you do get better. And one thing that does help me, and this is something that I do every day, is make a gratitude list. When I wake up in the morning, I make a gratitude list. And I list ten things that I'm grateful for. And then I list a reason why with each one.

Starting point is 01:49:18 You know, I'm grateful for my hair. Why? Because it keeps my head warm and my neck warm now at this point. Why? Because it keeps my head warm and my neck warm now at this point. Or I'm grateful for my sister because she never gives up and she tries so hard. And, you know, or I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for my mother. My mother because she's still alive. I'm grateful for my friend Bo because I went home this weekend and he let me borrow his truck. Because I didn't have my driver's license, I couldn't get a rental car.

Starting point is 01:50:02 And he made my weekend so much easier where he gave me the opportunity. I could go see my nieces and it was a gift. You know, I'm grateful. There's just, and you know what it does though? It takes it. So now I'm not thinking about me and I'm not thinking about what could be better. I'm thinking about what is good. And so for me, that works, man. I'm not trying to be a know-it-all or anything.

Starting point is 01:50:19 I'm just telling you that works. I still have a ton of moments where I think things could be better. But also some of that came from when I was young. Somebody around me, nothing was ever good enough for them. And so then that builds in me that, oh, things always have to be better. But man, I bet you're doing okay. Try and look at the facts. Try and look at the facts, you know, try and look at the facts.

Starting point is 01:50:47 Are you doing okay? Because it may be that thing that to be better, but that could just be a feeling. You know, feelings aren't facts. I think feelings are way important. You know, I'd rather know how I feel sometimes than what I think. But feelings aren't facts, man. And if you get always getting that feeling,

Starting point is 01:51:04 then you could, you know could maybe find some ways. And for me, a gratitude list helps because then I quit thinking about what I don't have and what could be better. And I think about what I do have. And that puts me in a place of gratitude for me. And I also might not know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's take one last call here, and then we're going to shut it down for today. Man, I appreciate all you guys calling. Appreciate everything.

Starting point is 01:51:24 985-664-9503 is the hotline. Let's take one last call here, and then we're going to shut it down for today. Man, I appreciate all you guys calling. Appreciate everything. 985-664-9503 is the hotline. TheoVon.com slash store. We got a bunch of dope merch in there and cool stuff. If you want to support the podcast or support anything, TheoVon.com slash Patreon. That's where we have funds where we can do outreach and do some other neat stuff. We're going to do some stuff for these single moms.

Starting point is 01:51:50 If there's a date we have coming up on the calendar where we're going to be in your area and there's a cool single mother that you know that you think could use a night out. And I don't want somebody, you know, if she got 40-year-old children or 35, I want somebody that's, you know, still in the trenches. That's got them, you know, chirping mouths, you know. That's got a 12-year-old and an 8-year-old. And I'm not trying to ice anybody out of the opportunity, but I ain't trying to take Grandma Girdle and her two shorties out to the ice to the comedy show. When she got a 50-year-old son and he ain't getting his shit together, that's on him. We're just trying to get a little bit of relief, a nice evening for a lady or two.

Starting point is 01:52:29 But you can submit them through the website, theovon.com slash podcast or podcasts. It's all on the website. Let's take this call. Here we go. Thank you for calling. Hey, what's up, Theo? Andy in Portland, Oregon.

Starting point is 01:52:47 Hey, Andy in Portland. And, you know, I met a hamster rancher up there, and we went and visited him. And, man, that was awesome. Man, I went and saw this man had about 5,000, 6,000 hams. And we had them beautiful critters, and everybody was just, man, beautiful to see all those magical little nuggets of the Lord. Just those furry living electrons. Just some of them fucking and a lot of them just sleeping and resting and everything. So watch them just set it off.

Starting point is 01:53:18 Let's hear more. I just wanted to say what's up. I know things are going to be blowing up for you soon. I just wanted to send you a friendly reminder as you're on the precipice of success. Just remember who you are, brother. That's why people love you. Don't get tempted by the dark arts. Don't fall into traps.

Starting point is 01:53:44 Just keep being you. Don't sell out, my man arts. Don't fall into traps. Just keep being you. Don't sell out, my man. Much love. I love you. And not in a homosexual way. I just love what you're doing with your life. No, I understand that part. Homeward.

Starting point is 01:53:56 Your life and the way you're staying true and the podcast and your comedy, man. All right. Later. Thanks, Andy, for the message, man. I appreciate it. I really do. And, you know, I, uh, you know, I thought about that actually a lot in the past two weeks. Like, you know, there has been a lot, there has been an uptick in like support, people reaching out, you know, I noticed it at the shows, you know, at the, even at the comedy store, like people wanting to hang out at, you know, take pictures and things like that.

Starting point is 01:54:24 even at the comedy store, people wanting to hang out, take pictures and things like that. I worry a lot about ego. I worry about it because it's dangerous. Ego is so dangerous. Isn't it? It's almost remarkable. There's something inside of us that is just so... That's the dark arts. It's so, I mean, it's so mystical. That's a shape shifter.

Starting point is 01:54:55 That thing is just wiggling in and out of your brain stem, just circling your brainstem, just waiting. Just waiting to speak up. And it's scary, man. I think about it sometimes. I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, I mean, I do want to, you know, I do want to achieve my goals. But at the same time, I do feel like I want to, you know, I want to, you know, I don't

Starting point is 01:55:29 want to be self-centered. You know, I've spent so, you know, because the worst part about, I've spent a lot of my life being self-centered. Even though some people might not say that, to me, it felt that way because I just had to care about myself. You know, when you're growing up and you feel like you don't have anybody, then you become self-centered almost as a mechanism to take care of yourself. You know, you have to be so aware of everything. You have to be on guard all the time. You have to be thinking, how do I get what I need? Because it just started at such an age where you, that's all it just, it's, you had to use it to survive. It was like learning to drink water. You had to have that skill. You had to have that, you know, that me, me, me, me.

Starting point is 01:56:21 Because if nobody else cared about you or that's how you saw it, then you had to care about yourself. Because if you didn't care about you, then there would be no one who did. And so, you know, but I know as I've gotten older that I can shed that skin and that that doesn't serve me the same anymore. But it's remarkable. The ego is so powerful, you know, and it's tricky and it's cunning and it's baffling and it's powerful. And that's copywritten, I know, but you know, it is. And I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, but I appreciate that reminder. And if I seem out of line, man, check me because I'm happy to be checked.

Starting point is 01:57:00 You know, I don't want to. I want to do, you know, I want to do good things. I want to, I want to, I want to do, you know, I want to do good things. I want to. I want to. I want to achieve my goals, but I want to do good things too. You know, I don't want to leave the earth when I get out of here and just, you know, not have like a lot of love in my life, you know, and just a lot of joy. Because in the end, especially as I get older, being selfish, it starts to hurt a lot.

Starting point is 01:57:31 It hurts. I think it hurts. Because all you have at some points when you're so selfish, all you really have and you know it is you. And that's just lonely. It's just lonely. But I appreciate you checking me, man. And you can do it again if you

Starting point is 01:57:54 feel that way, Andy. You'll be the ego lifeguard if that's okay with you. But you know, and I know I'm not the only one out there that thinks this way about our egos and how dangerous it can be. I worry about it. I worry about it, but I appreciate you, you know, let me know I'm not alone in thinking about it. And thanks for the kind words, man. You know,

Starting point is 01:58:15 I don't know what the, you know, what the future has in store for me career wise, but man, this, this year has been great. And we're, and being a part of this podcast has been great. I mean, dude, I never thought this podcast would be up like this. Dude, this thing, look at the front. I mean, we were balancing. I was balancing that camera on fucking shoeboxes. Yeah, I mean, it was. So it's just been a joy, and we're going to do some cool stuff,

Starting point is 01:58:39 and we're going to do it together. And I appreciate you guys being here with me. All right, I'm going to take us out here on this Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day to everyone. Thank you for everybody that hit the hotline. Thank you for everybody that's being supportive. If you have any suggestions, constructive criticisms, you can always hit us up anywhere. You know, this is a team effort.

Starting point is 01:58:57 We do this. And some weeks these episodes will be what you want, and some weeks these episodes will be not what you want. But that's life. So stick around, and let's make this thing, let's keep this thing alive together. Happy Memorial Day. I love you. ¶¶ Thank you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

Starting point is 02:00:49 Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart.

Starting point is 02:01:07 Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

Starting point is 02:01:32 Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend - Just a Suggestion | This Past Weekend #99

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