This Past Weekend - Kissin' Practice | This Past Weekend #263

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

Theo is back from Canada and discusses his Toronto Shows, Bishop Gunn taking a hiatus, takes some calls about how people practiced kissing,    Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   New Merch https://theovonstore.com    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   PowerDot Visit https://powerdot.com/theo and use code THEO for 20% off   Postmates Use code WEEKEND for $100  of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmates app   Shipstation Visit https://Shipstation.com and use code THEO to try for free ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intro “Shine” - Bishop Gunn   “Makin’ It” - Bishop Gunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline [phone]   Video Hotline Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad   Name Aaron Rasche Action Jackson Adam White Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves Vincent Gil William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Look a reindeer is just a gay moose So say it's not let's go I'm just sitting on your front porch Wondering how could I be so far from my home And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind

Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And that is Shine by Bishop Gunn And it is February 24th in the year 2020 And we're getting into the future aren't we? You know a lot of people didn't think we'd get this far into the future Like I think if you dug up some people who were deceased or something and you said hey hey hey wake up How far in the future you think we'll go?

I bet a lot of them would not have picked this far But we're making it, we're making progress That is Shine by Bishop Gunn And some bad news came out of their camp last week that the band has cancelled future dates as of right now And it's taken a bit of a break, a sabbatical, I don't know what their plans are I tried to get in touch with my little nephew over there to see what was going on with them But hadn't gotten too much information and that's where we are But man I would hate to see them not be able to make it happen

Because they got a beautiful little outfit Beautiful little musical outfit right there And that's Bishop Gunn Just back from Toronto I want to thank everybody who came out, that was just fire Man it might have been some of the most hyped crowds I mean people just, one dude out there, he was just so fired up, dude he had a He was, he had, I think was just donating his own blood into a bag and just threw a bag of it up on the stage

Wow, AB Paws out of, let's go People were hype Man it was magical man We have four shows over there at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre Sold them out And thank you so much Canada, beautiful Canada for coming out And people I notice in Canada is so friendly Like people apologize all the time

Oh I'm sorry, oh you're sorry Oh sorry, sorry One guy came across a parking lot I'd never even seen him or anything, he goes oh sorry He's like, in case I ever bump into you I'm sorry I was like what? It's almost like people are just trying to be out Or they're like, they're trying to have like a polite off

Like oh you think you're sorry bro, I'm sorry Dude I'm, and I don't mean sorry like as in incapable or Not gonna farewell or not gonna do something well I mean sorry as in oh, oh my bad you know Oh it's okay you know, oh But yeah they're like oh sorry And they're like oh you think I'm sorry I got a friend that's even sorry

Oh, oh this guy he's so, he apologizes always Always, he's so apologetic I'm the most apologetic mother around People just like I'm sorry, jumping off building, I'm sorry It gets hard, but anyway people just so polite Had a good time and just such a great time And thank everybody for coming out and enjoying it And enjoying the, just the joy man

Just the sheer joy in that theater In that theater And what else, I'm home I'm headed this week to Red Bank, New Jersey On February 27th, that's Thursday Oxon Hill, Maryland February 28th And Newport News, Virginia February 29th Those are sold out and then we got the Castle Theater

On March 7th in Maui and the Ryman Auditorium In Nashville on April 17th And there are still tickets for Maui I believe that Nashville is sold out So that's crazy man, I can't believe I'm gonna get to go to the Ryman Dude, some people will treat their dogs like a slave You notice it?

So I went to the park this morning to get a little bit of heat A little free heat from the sunshine, you know A little bit of that vitamin D, straight from the vitamin G-O-D You feel me? I'm talking straight off the tip of the lower, the sky And just catch that free heat right in my face and neck And I went over there and I was just sitting in the grass Making me a little gratitude list And doing a couple etchings and stuff on one of those legal pads, you know

And this man, I heard this old man, he goes Charlie, get over here Charlie, Charlie, get over here And I thought it was too, you know Kind of drug induced, you know, drug induced homosexual men Doing, you know, splitting up a, you know, a gram or a vial of speed But then I look over and this man, who I'll be honest This man looked like duty, bro

This man looked like just man, just real, just, just duty, duty And he's yelling at this dog Because the dog smelled something or saw it is And the dog, he's over there, he's investigating You know, he might have a little bit of hound in him Or a little bit of investigator gadget or whatever that guy's name was Remember that show? But the dog, you know, he's sniffing on an orange peel or doing something

You know, or smelling a, you know, a park needle or something or whatever And the man's like, shorts, get over here Just yelling at him And Charlie, first of all, Charlie was way healthier This man looked like, just first of all, looked like Somebody had shaved his whole body with like a one Or like a one and a half He had a fade, like on his arms, shoulders, everything

Just real bristly looking dude Kind of guy, he looked like he was like a pipe cleaner You know what I remember, pipe cleaners? Remember in school sometime, if you was one of the weirdo kids And they, at the art class, they would give you these pipe cleaners And say, hey, do something with this And you'd be like, well, what do I do to it? But like, oh, we don't know, just do something

We're hoping you graduate soon because nobody could stand you, you know And, um, and yeah, this dude, I'm thinking, man, this dog And then, so then the dog comes over by me And now I'm kind of pissed because I'm sitting there trying to do a little bit of legal work Or whatever, you know, writing stuff and drawing And this man's, Charlie, leave him alone So I said, dude, I said, Charlie ain't messing with me, man I said, you're messing with me by yelling, you're messing with everybody

Sir And fuck it, just, I don't know, man And the dog went over to him and I just felt like, I don't know, when Charlie left, dude I felt like, damn, bro Charlie don't want to be with that man and that man treats him bad That's how I felt, dude So, but yeah, Charlie was like a big dog And I'll be honest, I slipped him a piece of Nicarat

So Charlie fucking get that hit from daddy right there So that guy can kiss my ass, bro What I'm saying is you can't, your dog is not a slave, it doesn't work for you Okay, you can't, you know, say this Dude is, Charlie, get in the house No ham hocks, Charlie, nothing for you You can't be like that to an animal, you gotta treat an animal a little bit kinder, I think

But I don't know, I don't know their backstory, they should just make me mad I don't see a lot of animals and stuff, so Here in Los Angeles, so it just made me kind of upset But anyway, what's going on, man? Good to be here I feel a little bit rattled, it's been all over the place And I'm so excited that we got these shows coming up this weekend These are make-up dates, and just happy to be getting them done These are the last of the make-up dates that's set for Brea, and we'll do them sometime

Um What did I see on the Washington Post the other day, put up a thing Oh, they were talking about, so Bernie Sanders is out there whooping people's ace, right? On the circuit, on the political circuit And I'm not much of a political, I never, you know, ever since I was young, I've never I've never thought a politician is, or a politics gonna save my life, and them dudes ain't doing shit for us You know, I've always thought, if my bed's gonna be better, I'm gonna have to make it that way You know, if I'm gonna have a little bit of a, you know, if I'm gonna have a little bit more nut in my scrot

You know, a little bit of, a little bit more gumption in my scrotum, you feel me That I might, I'm gonna be, I have to want to put it in there I'm not relying on the government or something to make my life better But uh, but it just blew my mind how Suddenly they came out with a report that, now that Bernie Sanders is winning in the Democratic, you know, regionals or whatever It's called semifinals or whatever, but, um, that Russia is helping him And I'm just like, you gotta be kidding me with this shit You gotta be kidding me

You telling me that this dude, that every time somebody starts winning, Russia helps him? It's just the worst excuse, man, it just made me like, it was just like, it's almost like, sometimes the news thinks that we're so dumb It's like, you really think I'm dumb enough to believe this? The last time Donald Trump was winning, oh, oh, Russia helped him Oh, this time Bernie said, oh, Russia helped him It's like, whoever they don't like, they make up this story I don't know, man, it just blew my mind, I was like, do you really think? Maybe humans are that dumb, maybe I'm, maybe I'm dumb for thinking that we're not

It just, and how was, how was, how was a country helping somebody win an election? They put ads, even to say if they do put an advertisement on internet If they don't go in there and pull the, uh, the arm, the vault, the, what is it called? If they don't pull the poll or whatever for you, if they don't tab you, if they don't do the voting for you Then they're not doing, nobody could do shit unless they're making robots And sending them in there dressed up Like people, oh, I'm just here to vote Charlie, get off or get away from that guy

Anyway, that should just have me riled off, I was like, you gotta be kidding me Now you think that just because this guy's winning, that they're gonna, that the Russia, it just made me, it's like Oh, I just wish somebody would just, you almost wish somebody would just burn down one of these news places Cause it's just bullshit, man But, what are we to do, man? What are we to do? I got nothing Oh, what else happened this weekend? Let's take a, let's hit the hotline as people called in from the Toronto show And I'd love to hear some thoughts and some, some reactions and um, here we go

Hi video, this is Lisa calling, my friends and I were lucky enough to see you Friday night in Toronto for the early show Oh, thank you for coming out there, Lisa And you got a friend too, I'm glad you and your friend came And that's nice if you got a friend, you go do something Oh, me and my friend are doing this Oh, we're having a, we're splitting a cabbage, we're splitting a um, you know, we're doing a tandem bike So, um, onward And um, I just had to call in to say we had so much fun, uh, just laughing our heads off

Um, everybody around us is just doubled over laughing I mean, I've been to a lot of shows, but I've never laughed that hard at a comedy show But genuine question, when you're up And look, and I hate to interrupt you, but sometimes the laughter, it could, it'll bring it out of you It's that, it's almost like an exorcism But a good one It'll make something come out of you, a secret, sometimes people laugh so hard, they tell a truth about themselves They let a secret loose

Some guy the other day, he laughed so hard at the show, and he's just like, he came out of the closet And he's like, I'm gay And his buddy's like, Patrick, dude, what are you talking about, Patrick? Do another beer, man? Your wife's gonna pick us up in about 20 minutes, dude, she's gonna be pissed, bro Have two beers, Patrick, and calm down, bro, you're gonna be fine You gotta get back to your wife and kids, man So you don't know somebody, you know, somebody, sometimes that giggle will just wiggle something right out of you

It'll just shake a truth right out of your freaking live booth, right out of the back of your brain You'll just be like, I killed somebody with a shovel Like, I love licorice People just, you know I don't wash my husband's clothes, but I tell him I do So he's always wearing dirties You know, you just, sometimes when that laughter gets you, Lisa, it can really shake something out of you It can shake the mainframe, and that's when maybe a little driveless and truthful just leak out of your feet

You know, suddenly you're slipping a fact about yourself that you never wanted to admit Oh, I like the smell of my own ass You know, something or something like that, you know, sometimes you'll just, a truthful, oh, just whip right out of you That you don't want, you know I've been saving all my back hair that I shave off in a bag under the sink in my bathroom Oh You know, it just, that's what can happen My tits smell like tangerines

So anyway, a lot of truths and old secrets can come Just avalanchein out of your frickin' brainstem Let's hear more, Lisa Up on stage, can you hear how hard we're laughing? Like, are you able to get that positive feedback from us? Cause, I mean, every sentence you were saying at one point, everybody was just dying laughing Man, it was just incredible So thank you so much for coming to our neck of the woods

Thanks for everything Well, you guys have a beautiful neck of the woods up there In Toronto, and I never thought Canada was real when I was young And I've said that before, drop my keys You know, I thought, I thought if you died in Canada, you woke back up in America That's something that I thought or that I'd heard or that I just thought And then pretended like I'd heard You know, I thought maybe, or Canada was just a place that they practiced safety equipment

Like, if you ever saw a helmet or some knee pads Or, you know, if you was doing the bumper bowling and they had the special lanes on the side For the kind of kids that had a hit of that Tism or just youngsters That wasn't used to pushing ball And you say, oh, all that's from Canada But... As far as the laughter goes, you know, it's really... You can... What can you hear?

Yeah, sometimes I feel like I talk too fast and I step on people's laughter In a comedy club, I'm so used to that, I'm more used to the area And so I know how to manage that room size of a room better when it's about 300 But in some of these theaters, you get upwards, you know, a thousand, two thousand, it gets tricky And I can't see anything when I'm up there, I can see maybe the first two rows Kind of And then it's just lights, it seemed like somebody... You've ever been outside and somebody's pulling a boat up on a dock

And you're like, oh, are they going to park this thing? Or are they just going to shine that light in my eye for an hour? It's like that, it's like two people are parking boats but none of them will park They're just... It's like, okay, park your boat, shut off the light Or it's like two motorcycles coming at you diagonally And the light are just hitting you, so you can't see anything, you kind of have this light in your eyes So sometimes it feels like you're performing to...

It's almost like it's an experiment or something, like there's just... You hear like a... kind of like the sound of laughter But mostly you just see these two lights And you feel like you're just performing into nothing almost It's really bizarre So sometimes it's nice at the end of the show or some in the beginning The light man will pull the... will bring the lights up for a second And then you can see everyone and it is a 180 from what you've been seeing the whole time

So sometimes people will react or do something in the audience And if I don't react to it, I can't see it, I have no idea what's going on most of the time But man, it was so much fun There was one moment where they brought the lights up, it was on Saturday, I think And man, I felt like... I just felt people were having so much fun and cheering and man it just... I don't know, I just felt... it doesn't feel like it's... For me, I guess it just feels like people are having a good time

But it just felt cool It was like, wow, this is something just fun to be a part of So I'm just glad you guys had a good time, Lisa I'm glad you and your friend came out and enjoyed each other's company You know, there is something nice after the show if I get to see some people and stuff And just knowing people had fun, man, it means a lot You know, we had one young gentleman that's Italian And we used to call Italians, we'd call them headlights when I was young

Because they showed up in groups and kind of bothered you But this beautiful young Italian, he had a tall friend with him, real long Italian One of the male eyes And they... he came to four shows And I think he had just knocked this girl up, beautiful young fellow And I'm not sure what his name was, Tito or something And I don't know, Antigua, I have no idea But I can't remember, but a very nice young man

Knock on wood, I don't know what his name is, but... And I don't know what not, I don't even know why I'm knocking on wood What else? But that was good, it was a good time there Let me hit this other hotline call, came in 985-664-9503 What's up, Theo? I'm here with my friend Sam Hey, what's up, Theo? Gang, gang What's up, Sam? Gang, brother And there's a lot of people named Sam in Canada, I realize that onward

We just drove from Montreal to see a show in Toronto The Friday night show to be specific And bro, there's some fucking asshole right behind us, arguing and yelling and stuff I don't know what happened, but you kind of addressed it, you said The person, you're like, what's going on? And then the person said something like, cut And you're like, oh, you're cutting yourself? And the crowd just died But it was a great show, man

I don't know, there's people walking around and shit But don't let that get in the way that was dope Yeah, I just want to know how you felt about the show Because I remember at one point you kind of stressed out You know, what do you got to say, Sam? I don't know, but we love you, Theo Vaughn, and we're here to support you So let us know what you think Thanks, man

Gang, gang Gang voice Gang, gang Dude, thank you guys for driving, man I hope you all made it home safe, man If you didn't make it home safe, then you're in heaven, bro So either way, you won it Man, it was wonderful

You know, Canada, the general feeling I have when I'm in Canada is such a feeling of safety You know, in America, I feel like there's always a little bit of uncomfort I feel like it's... And maybe it's just because I'm in Los Angeles I'm in, like, really the devil's den here I'm out here in the damn devil's dimple Just feeling him grinning whenever he wants But in Canada, there's just a friendliness

There's a... Not everything has, like, a wage to it Not everything has, like, a... Like, there's just something more genuine about it It's really, really... It's so pleasant to be around So, yeah, dude, I just had... I had such a great time I mean, I had such a great time just going out And people are just... They're having a good time There's just... There's more of an ease in people

It's like somebody just put a, you know, two cans of ease And just squeezed it right into somebody's neck Everybody's just eased up Not like that guy at the park was like, get out of my way Build me a shed or whatever that guy was doing They need a police to get that man Because he's treating that dog like a damn indentured servant But, uh...

But, yeah, man, it was just a blast, man I'm trying to think of a better way to describe it But, I mean, my stress level's been high, man I really can't wait to take a break You know, I used to feel... You know, honestly, I used to feel a lot more dialed in Even when I was doing the podcast It was easier for me to connect

And to kind of drop into what was going on But I've just... I have just been under a lot of... Stress, just a lot of the traveling and stuff And I don't talk about it sometimes Even though I do a lot, I feel like Because once you kind of start doing well, I feel like Once you start having some success Nobody wants to hear you complain, really

Nobody, you know, it's like... So it's sometimes that kind of stuff It's a little tough for me to talk about some of that stuff recently Because I... I feel like nobody wants to hear the dude that's doing well Nobody wants to hear him complain You know, but yeah, I'm trying to take more methods To deal with some of my stress a little bit

You know, I flew in a day early in Toronto So that I wasn't jammed up on the same day of the show Having to travel and then go straight to the show I'm going to go to Maui in a few weeks And hopefully have some few days to just get connected to nature Just stretch out, be an ostrich Put my legs into the sand And be like that, maybe

Maybe see, you know, a tit in the distance or something You know, maybe I'll bring Charlie with me If I see a nice tit in the distance, have him go get it Char, Charlie! Go, go, go! Man, that guy, I'm straight, dude I'm going to start calling Charlie next I'm going to impersonate the guy

I'm going to hide behind the tree in the distance And when he says something to Charlie, I'm going to say something Hey, you're doing fine, Charlie! You're doing great! You got the day off! Let's take one more call that came in right here Hey, Theo, what's popping off? It's Ningo out here in central Oklahoma

What's up, Dingo? Thank you for calling, man, that's a rare name, brother But then, um... But then what? Onward? I was just scrolling through Facebook And I saw kind of a heartbreaking post That Bishop Gunn was going to be halting all activity

I guess they're going through some struggle I thought since you're the guy that introduced them to us I would give you a call and see what your thoughts are I hope that they hear this and know that There's a lot of people that care a lot about them And we hope they can work out whatever it is that they're going through And come back to us, you know? Anyways, love you, Theo, you're the best, man

And you can do it, you're good enough You worked all your life for it Thanks, man Thank you, bro, that was nice of you to say that Yeah, man, it really makes me sad, dude I saw that post as well on Facebook And, uh... Yeah, it just...

You know, I want the band to... They're so good, man I really believe they're so good You know, and they've worked so hard And they've done so many shows And I think some of the stuff that... From my perception It seemed like some of the stuff they're struggling with is just internally between them And they're trying to figure it out And, uh...

I hope that they do, man You know, I don't want to take words out of their mouth I asked Burn Sharp, the drummer, if he would call in today And I don't think he was up for it So I'm going to see if he'll check in next week and maybe give us a little bit more information But, yeah, just heartbreaking Heartbreaking, man It just shows you how rare something... When something's good, it's rare

And when something's good, it is rare And then you think there's going to be, oh, this could happen again easily Or this could happen again in a moment You know, something else could happen Something better But we don't want to... It's not that we don't want to settle But I wonder why we don't know... Why we aren't able to notice when something is really perfect And I struggle with it

You know, I think there's going to be something different Oh, I've got... You know, maybe there's a better opportunity Or maybe there's someone better Um... But thanks for saying I'm good enough, man, I appreciate that You know, it's funny, sometimes when I'm on the stage and the lights come up a little and people are cheering It feels... I feel like... Like, almost like turning around and looking behind me

It's like, who... What are they cli... Um... Is there somebody? Uh, you know, what is this for, you know? I mean, I know that people are there and they're excited And they're excited to see the show and stuff, but... I don't know It's interesting, man, but yeah, I hope Bishop Gunn gets it together, man

I really... You know, I love the vibe that they have And just they got this soul They got this soul and it's... Maybe if you have a thought about that I'm going to get to the hotline called about practicing kissing and how people did it in just a second But if you... If there was something good in your life, if there was something... When you had something really good

And you let it go, you thought there'd be something different You thought there'd be something better or maybe a... Because our ego can be so dangerous, you know, the ego is... You know, our ego starts running before we pass the baton a lot of times And I just want to... And maybe nobody will have anything But if you do, hit the hotline with that 985-664-9503 And...

And I love you guys, man, I just want to tell you that I love you And thank you You know, one thing I just... I don't know, man, I just said You know, you guys have all helped make my dream come true You know, to be able to make people laugh at a big... at a level And if this is the greatest my career ever gets, and this has been amazing And I'm...

You know, I just feel really blessed But I'm realizing it takes a group really to make a blessing, you know Um... So, gang Sigh... I want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by PowerDot And you can see this sweet item right now If you're on the YouTubes there

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That's code WEEKEND for $100 of free delivery credit for your first 7 days When you download the Postmates app Anything you need, any time you need it, Postmate it Download Postmates and save with code WEEKEND Support the podcast if you can Thank you guys for all the love Now, last week we were talking about kissing, smooching And I talked about a couple of things when I was young

You know, when I was young, not everybody knew how to kiss And people weren't the first way you knew to say, hey to somebody First, when they teach you the handshake And that's basically saying, hey, let me touch you real quick Let me touch you Say, okay, I'll let you touch me, but just my hand I say, okay, that's an agreement That's a handshake

And then they do a hug Hey, I'm gonna trust you enough to put both your hands around the around And touch my back really quick While I touch your back Okay, and go boom Okay, that was good And then it gets to another level though When your body starts to get hot

When your loins start to look around, you feel me Because when you're a man and you're young You can only look around with your head and your neck But at a certain age, your wiener says, hey I'm about to peek around as well And that is called What is it called? Poverty

That's almost full pervert baby That's when you get in lit, bro That's when you suddenly lit for some tit, dude But what I'm telling you is this What I'm trying to say is that We all started practicing away kissing I shared about mine last week And so you guys had some calls that came in

And I want to hear a couple of those Here we go, gang Hi Theo, this is Mofo from Idaho What's up Mofo? What's up Mofo from Idaho? And Idaho is a good place if you want to If you want to get kind of wind burn On your face and sunburn at the same time

And if you want to look for gold but not find any But still dress like you look for gold Then Idaho is a beautiful spot Great place to get sunburnt and Go missing as well A lot of missing people in Idaho Onward So I'm the youngest of six

So I had older siblings And we had a Barbie head That was like a head and shoulders and neck So you could do her hair and her makeup like It was like a mannequin head So when I would get a chance to be alone With this Barbie I would practice kissing

I think we're alone now That doesn't mean to be anyone around Okay So you kissed that little baby That baby Barbie Let me hear more On her neck and her face and everything Damn this shit turning me on a little

Wavy on it with you dude This shit got me working dude This shit's gonna bring old Patrick out the closet You feel me man this shit got me going Let's hear more I'm gonna back it up a little bit Tell me what happened again onward The chance to be alone with this Barbie

I would practice kissing On her neck and her face and everything And it always It never failed Every time I went to do that One of my siblings would Catch me and be like Are you kissing the Barbie's neck

And I'd be so fucking embarrassed So that would just go on and on And also you know the poles in the basement I used to put on my roller skates And like swing around the poles And practice kissing on those And again somebody would always catch me And be like what are you kissing the poles

Anyway so funny Yeah I can't look everybody's got away You know that's interesting you kiss in plastic Humans and you kiss in poles You know that's really you could work at the mall It almost sounds like you could work at the mall But yeah everybody had a different way You know some people would do something different

Man I had this boy live across the street From the same Robert and he would put his hand In hot water and get it real hot And he would make that kind of kiss an area Like a little lips with his hand Where you put your curl your fingers And your thumb across the front And then he would kind of kiss that

When it was all warm You know everybody had a little something We would heat up the oyster You know every now and then things got a little bit Homosexual with the kids you know if it's young fellas They kissing on each other's neck a little But when your child anything gay is not gay Gay is just children

You know I remember I found two of my nephews One time in the bed And they in there butt naked So what am I gonna you know They're children And one of them had a bunch of damn Little Hershey's kisses in there with him He had to hold him, stack couple of them on his belly

And stuff starting to And some of them were melting a little bit And the chocolate was getting on his skin But what am I gonna you know that's nothing That's children Alright let's take another call that came in here Hey Theo this is Cole I used to practice kissing on an apple

I would take a bite Like a little dip out of the apple And then you know it would leave like a little hole For like you know you could put your tongue in there Damn boy Man this shit got me feeling in some type of way You know you see out there getting that fruit dog Putting your tongue in there that fruit boy

You could have at least had a little bit you know You could have cut open the orange brunt Perved out into that sucker I used to do that when I got a little bit older I'd dig out the middle of an orange And throw three of my fingers in that bastard Let's hear more And it was kind of a sweet treat at the same time

So that was kind of how I used to practice kissing When I was young And I really like the podcast man I really like your content And just keep doing you baby boy Gang thanks Cole I like that I like a man named after a weapon as well Cole you know

Or maybe who else Ninja star And if you don't think there's probably a young black woman Out there named Ninja star Then you're probably wrong baby girl Kissing on an apple Let's take another one that came in How you practice getting that lip lock and going gang

Hey CEO Calling all the way from Pennsylvania Damn from PA And that's Amish country If you want to see what your grandparents did Drive through PA man You get out there near What are some of those areas out there where they got

I mean you could smell the butter You could smell the breast milk in the air I mean these women got some breasts on them too That's the breast belt Do you be driving you hit a speed Like what is that a speed bump on interstate Nah man This is a couple titties crossing the road out there

Cause it's that kind of place man And they got skin just so milky My god That milky skin I mean just make you want to just I mean god damn every titty look like a damn Shhh Oh

Every titty looks big and good out there But there's nothing like a real milky Breast You know a lot of times they try to push These days they push these different type of breasts This and that you know oh here's that lean titty Rock witty What

A lean titty People want the breast The breast is supposed to be the breast You know You know I remember when I was growing up We had a lady that worked at the This lady we live in an apartment for a little bit And it was four apartments

Four apartments in one Big building And We would play football in the back yard Out back and they had this that big Area and we'd get out there And just pretend we were heroes You know

And you had different you know you had a hole In a certain part you had to go around And they had drainage coming off of somebody's Laundry room so you had to be Careful And if somebody was running their dryer that hot air Running out of one area So that's where we would do the intros at the beginning

Of the game We say oh starting quarterback For the Philadelphia Eagles And your boy would come running Out of that dryer smoke From the bout of laundry room Yeah

And then we played A game But they had a lady who did Sex work by us And she was Like a hotline worker back in the day They used to have if you called on the phone You'd die 1900 big teddy or something

A woman would answer And she'd be like yeah Yeah you know This is uh This is Diane You know This is Diane Breast

Or something like that you know this big teddy What can I do for you And she would sit there and she would like Oh yeah let me I'm taking your pants off right now Oh yeah You know oh I'm choking you right now Oh I'm spitting in your belly button

You're like why? I'm like oh yeah yeah yeah Yeah I'm hiding olives in yash You know they'd be getting real nasty and stuff But she was doing verbal sex work And every minute she kept the person on the line She would uh Get more money

For the family But one of her windows Her window was down by the other end zone Where we played football so you didn't even want to go score Down there sometimes when she was getting real vulgar You know She was like oh I got three olives I got three olives in my

Yash you know I'm making martinis In between my tach You know she'd be just getting Crazy Oh yeah She'd be down there yeah give it to me Like what is going on

Alright let's take this call that came in right here Here we go Hey Theo um calling all the way from Pennsylvania And uh this is regards to your last podcast About practicing your kissing And uh I used to take a nice juicy

Soft mango Just bite a Mouth Hole in the side of it You start making out with a mango Let me know what you think Dang boy you sound like a pervert bucko What are you you sound like

Do you doing something wild a mango First of all mango Is the straight up slut Of Produce You gotta think that You think when other When tomatoes see a mango coming

Oh look at this Thought over You do think about that You don't think when Two peaches they sitting around They on a swing set Just peaching you know Maybe splitting up a perk a set

Or something And then they see this Mango get out of a taxi You know they both thinking Oh look at this Over here Charlie get over here Charlie

I'm telling you bro mango is a straight Slut of the fruit Kingdom gang bro thank you for calling Man and get out your mama's Frigerator bro you sound like you gotta Stay home if you being like that Onward What's up old

Done Thank you for calling brother Onward You can think of how I used to practice kissing I used to Make out with My elbow pit On the inside of my forearm

And I used to I used to fucking give it hickeys and everything dude That was my shit I think I did it for like A year Everybody knows he did it for way longer too Even though you just said that But onward brother And then

I don't know why I stopped doing it But I hadn't thought about that in many years Thank you keep up the good work I love the positive Message you bring With the humor attached Gang bro thank you man

Thank you very much thanks for calling man Look dude you making me think I have a limited neck My neck I got a medium to lower Neck If I look for something I can't look real long Because I got to bring my neck back to center I got to re-center my neck

Some people got that neck They over here they over there They doing laundry they looking for this You know what I'm saying They own a lost and found They could do multitask with that fucking big Reacher With that fifth fucking limb baby that neck

But my Shit limited time I got that limited look piece baby So I couldn't I couldn't really get into the crease Of my elbow very much But I bet I did try Let me try it

Oh yeah Now that's the second I put my face there I remember I definitely did Oh yeah man Damn dude My elbow crease tastes like it remembers Me dude I be honest with you boy Damn this chick is fine as hell

Dude and I remember even this dude This is so perverse I can't even believe I'm telling you this As I got older Sometimes Sometimes my underarm Which had to vibe the scent of a woman to it And I would sometimes put my face right down in there And like get a couple of huffs off my own

Off that My own fucking little Reach crevice right there That iron pit And then I would use that I'd fuel myself to Pleasure myself And do masturbation

So Damn almost was trying to say that But you know what whatever man That's who I am dude Cause I wanted that full body experience Because sometimes one of my underarms One of my underarms always smelled a little bit Got that spaghetti kind of that Italian

You know it's something under there I'm running like a primavera you feel me But every now and then one of my underarms Had a bit more of a Kind of a Fertile feminine kind of You know It kind of had the

Same Tenor The same kind of The same hit That you could get the same hit off of it You would off of a woman's body And even maybe a vagina Even if I'm being real honest with you

And I know this is gross and I know this kind of graphic Man I'm sorry about that I'm not trying to be disgusting I'm just trying to be honest with you But But so I Get a couple hits of that And then I would use that

Cause that would get my brain all fired up With that hot pouch You know it would just Fuel that cause I would have that That The scent I had that scent of a woman right under my arm that You know and so I get a couple hits of that

And then use that to power my My ability to touch myself But yeah man we all did something And it's okay that's nature Nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with me Man We got a couple more that came in And I got to tell you about this last ad

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Use code Theo ShipStation Make Ship Happen These are good, man. Let's take another one right here How you got that smooch How you got that smooch practice Look, some guys lucked out Some fancy guys, if you was real rich Maybe your mom come downstairs and give you a little kiss

Or something to stay heavy with you If you had a stepmom Maybe she sleep over once a month Or something like that I don't even know what dad's for He's just a bank Now But if that wasn't your case

Then you had to learn to kiss somewhere And if somebody wasn't kissing You had to find a way And that's who I am And I appreciate you Being similar Hey Theo, calling about the practicing kissing when you're young I would take long hot showers

Elmer? I would step out of the shower And sit down And there was a faucet That was there And you would start to go to the bath And you would turn to a shower And you would practice on that bowl

It was smooth It was chrome It was shiny I would give this guy a little tongue Pretend it's a girl But it's your only reflection And then close your eyes And just picture the next moment

Alright, that's all Dang Dang Dang, bucko That's one way to do it, man Dang And that's how you end up selling And that's how you end up selling

Bathroom equipment for the rest of your life, man With that kind of love for the game right there But yeah, I could understand what you're saying See a reflection in something And then you go kiss it Now if you're sucking on the front end Of a faucet That might be kind of homoerotic

You might be getting a little bit homoerotical Right there, bro, you might meet a man Hell, you might end up dating the 10 man You know, if somebody in the next room Is watching Wizard of Oz And even through the television That 10 man sees you sucking on the end of a friggin' drip And fall, said, boy

Boy, that mad metal maniac Is gonna pop right out of your screen, bro And he's gonna want his Uh He's gonna want his chrome Paula's daddy Look, stay safe out there, man Wherever you are, I am saying that And thank you for sharing

Thank you for sharing that That Let's take another call, man Let's take one more call that came in here to the hotline I appreciate you guys being so supportive I'm excited about going to Maui in two weeks If you have a friend on the island Tell him to get

That hitter, man, grab some tickets See, I'm ready to have a little bit of break, man I feel a lot of stress in my shoulders It's like a tingling That's in my shoulders and my neck And I think I might be allergic to coffee, too So, you know me, dude I got all the problems, baby

Oh, I'm wearing this Joe Musgrove today, too So I got this beautiful hitter right here Pittsburgh Pirates That are one of the best in the game right there Gang, bro Gang Hey, Theo, this is Amber from Illinois I just wanted to call to address the zookeeper

That was on in the last episode So I worked for ecological restoration And I think If the zookeeper is having some ethical dilemmas About working at the zoo That ecological restoration Might be a good option for him Because you're helping the animals

You're helping Kind of improve the areas where they live And get rid of all the damage done by humans The natural areas And you're also You know, still in Outdoors, you're not having to work Inside or anything, you're still having

A positive impact on the environment Without all the ethical dilemmas Because you don't have to See animals getting mistreated and things like that Yeah, now look, I feel you there and I appreciate the call Last week we had a gentleman Who was really Having his come to Jesus moment

About working at the zoo And not liking the system But I'm ready to say this That Yeah, some animals get mistreated In zoos and things like that I mean, I saw Blackfish and I don't know if you've seen that But

It's about, I guess, how they treat Blackfish And the shit is It's a little heavy, man You know, it's like kind of like 12 years of Swimmer kind of But This, um

But some animals learn dope shit, let's be honest You got animals down there At SeaWorld and at Wally World Or whatever, they'll spend a You know, spend a ball on their nose None of these bastards out in nature Are doing that shit, they fighting I don't know if you've seen Planet Earth, but a lot of animals

Are out there beating each other's asses Let's be honest, I'm not saying they're not beautiful And that they shouldn't be allowed to do it But some animals are learning Useful skills as well, there's not It's not just a one-way street But that is a great option, man Ecological restoration

I say let animals go if we want But don't be shocked You know what I'm saying When Little Bridget gets fucking clothesline By two orangutans And they want to be sexual Or want to be nastier You know what I'm saying, don't be

Don't come crying then When your cousin Gets fucking shanked By an angry otter, bro With a sharp palm When some angry otter swims by At the YMCA and fucking You know what I'm saying, clips your little kiddo's

Tendons, don't be Oh, what happened You can't have it all There's a trade off for everything So next time you see A full-blown white seal At, you know, over there At Water Park

And he can Do the stanky leg That ain't that bad, man He ain't doing bad But there's an option for a young fella That called last week eco restoration And thank you young lady for calling in And that's where I think you sneak out into the wild

And kind of make things better for animals And you're a zookeeper But you're kind of like on the side So I'm curious to see maybe I don't know if humans will be around forever We might be something that kind of comes and goes And then animals can get back

To whatever they were doing here I bet they were dancing before we got here But But I'll say it is, dude Every now and then You realize humans don't take good of care animal And that's why you gotta freakin' Slip little Charlie

A piece of nekorette at the park Baby you feel me boy Charlie gonna be Charlie gonna be getting buck Everytime he goes to the park now, boy He gonna be over there Running over there behind the federal building Trying to bum a Winston off of somebody

Charlie He gonna be doing one of those Zen packs Zen packs with Jesse Lockwood and the gang thank you guys so much man for supporting this past weekend and everything you know we got some new merch stuff coming up soon and what else is going on a lot of neat stuff man oh we need a single mom for coming up for New Jersey and for Oxen Hill Maryland and for Newport News Virginia so if you have a friend who is a single mother we would like to treat her out to a night out and and take care of her babysitter

costs and and make sure that she can have a night out of laughter and we want to thank our patreoners for helping us support that program time and time again we keep doing our best man we keep doing our best that's what we do you know that's what we do you guys be good to yourselves man just keep making it I'm gonna go out with that with Bishop Gunn because I hope they do make it I hope they can figure things out over there man it's a wild house how how we can have so much talent in us and have so much turbulence in us at the same time it's wild to be on that balance I'm amped up today man gang you guys be

good to yourselves man this is making it by Bishop Gunn I'm making it I'm making it most all of my plans slipped right through my hands and wound up next to me broken on the ground if this bottle was an hourglass I'd say that I'm about an hour past a minute I should have put it down but I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it and it helps where I'm headed and there I'm making good time Cause I'm

Between the lives that I've lost And the friends that I've lost Here alone and not seen But I'm in pretty good shape For the shape that I'm in I'm making it I'm making it I'm making wrong

See right I'm making it I'm making it I'm making good time Oh I'm making it I'm making it I'm making wrong

See right I'm making it I'm making it I'm making good time Oh Making good time I ain't seen home in about a hundred days I can almost hear mama pray

For my restless soul