This Past Weekend - Like a Virgin | This Past Weekend #63

Episode Date: January 1, 2018

Virgin year. Rose Bowl comedy shows. Takes callers. Hotline: [phone] https://www.patreon.com/theovon New 'ONWARD' Tee Shirts avail at https://www.theovon.com/store Thanks Sherb for your mastering. Thanks Shy Chris. Happy New Year GUNTS!!! Matthew Snow Renee Nicol Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Open Mind 101 Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Monica Hynes Matt Eckenrode Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick Milo J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up you grim reapers, you trim creepers? Time to shed your skin, time to take off your dirty skirt. 2017 is over, Rover, and we are somewhere new. We are onward. So sharpen up your dick and tits and let's go get it. We got hamster ranchers, haters, fat attackers, expiring virginities, and time travelers. Welcome to This Past Weekend. This Past Weekend. January 1.

January 1. What's up, guys? Just like that. Cut that off. Drop that end note. I'm dropping that end note, man, because I'm dropping that year. I just dropped that year off. Welcome to 2018, boy! Man, I'm hyped. It's the future. Do you even know that it is the future? Right now.

You know, there was a time when you were younger, when you were a child, and you might have been a chubby child, or you might have, you know. I remember there was one summer I had real fat thighs on me, you know, because I come from people that's real hardy in the ass. You know, I got that ass and I got the ass and rear of kind of a urban girl or a Down syndrome boy or girl.

And, you know, I got that fat retention around my anus and hips. And I remember there was a time when I was young when a lot of, when a lot of, I had some short shorts that I had to wear. And I remember just how short they were on me. And just every time I would go somewhere, they would feel so naughty. You know, I even remember as a child just feeling, because they would bunch up, but it was just because my growth, my growth was headed down this wild little, wild little, you know, little route. My growth was going down this wild route where I was going to look a little, you know, robust. And, and I remember my shorts would just, they would always creep up on my thighs and be all naughty. And I remember, you know, at that time, sometimes men that were local men that were probably, you know, kind of had those, you know, kind of had the devil just beanstalking up and down their spine.

You know, just climbing up and down their spine. Some men like that would look at me, I think, sometimes with a little bit of that, like I was like a young scallop or something, and they were just a hardy sailor, and they just wanted to bite into daddy, little daddy at the time because I was a child. But anyhow, what I'm saying is I remember being a child and thinking, man, you know, I wonder what the future is going to be like. I wonder what the future is going to be like. And now here we are. Here we are in the future. Let me turn this audio up a little bit so I can catch you guys, man. There we go right there. Yeah. Now we are in the future and I'm happy to be here with

you guys. It's 2018. Happy new year to you. 2017 is over. If you had something flashing back there, you know, if you had a little bit of grease lightning electrocuting your insides, then that's over. If you had something, I bet you had something good happen too. Everybody looks at 2017, I see all these things, so glad it's over. Dude, 2017, that shit was wild. You know, I've been alive for 37 of these things. Of these spatial roundabouts. You know, I've been alive for 37 of these outer space disco spins. And I'll tell you this, that this one

was the wildest. People are feeling lit up. People are feeling erect in their souls, I think. Fired up. You know, people want this or don't want that. People are, you know, standing up for this and, you know, uncertain about that. Last year made me think. Last year made me think about who I was. Made me think about who I was, man.

You had a lot of stuff last year. You had the election going on. It made you think like, you know, what's your line in the sand for, you know, what America is and what America isn't? And what you want the future in this country to look like and who represents that? You know, even if you don't think, I mean, say maybe 30 years in politics have been sold out in America where it's, you know, it's just big businesses. These these politicians are just puppets. But but, you know, it's like we had this past year where at least you had to kind of pick a side in your heart a little bit. Or you had to see, you know, when you can see through the cracks now of these people you know you can see how you know how grimy and gritty these people get to get this office

and how much of an egomaniac you have to be to live I bet in that whole political world but it made you stand up last year and think you know you had the black lives matter that that you know that was abundant last year made you think man some people were Black Lives Matter that, you know, that was abundant last year. Made you think, man. Some people were like, yeah, well, fuck it, you know. This. And some other people were like, well, you know, what are you kneeling for? You're at your job.

Do your job. You know? I don't call, you know, I don't, you know, stop by Starbucks to ask the barista how they feel about something. I stopped by Starbucks to get coffee, you know. So I stopped by the NFL to get football. You know, it's an escape from, you know, the callings and the questions of society. But last year, it was inflicted. You know, everything was on top of the other thing.

There was no walls. There was no separation. Everything was flooding into everything else. And you know what? It was tough. I mean, there were some weeks there where I just couldn't friggin' stand just the media, friggin' stand.

Just the media, how the media just has so much blood on their hands but takes no accountability. There were times where I couldn't stand the lack of empathy. You know? There were times where I couldn't stand it. But,

but it also, it just made me question, just made me question, well, do I have racism in me? Do I have, you know, you had the woman gate at the end of the year. And I'm going to call it woman gate. But you had, you know, this, and all year you had this, you know, this fire, this fire by a lot of feminists. And look, feminism, I support a hardworking woman getting what she wants in the world. I support a woman not having to feel like they, like that they don't matter. And not having to feel like they don't have any value. I support anybody.

I want anybody to feel that way. But then there's also a band of straight up man haters out there who don't want anything good for men, who want to be evil, you know, and who don't even want to acknowledge the beauties of women, some of the natural beauties of women, being able to make children and be able to, you know, have the ability to mother. You know, it's just women that just want to make money and i don't dude if you asked me honestly as a soul not as a man but if you could make money or if you could be a mother create something with your body dude i'd be a dang mother all right I'd be a mother with a mustache, though. You know what I'm saying?

I'd still keep my manhood. But it made me question, you know, that whole, you know, and it's still going on. I'm not saying it stopped. But there was a lot of, like, stoking of the fires asking us last year who we were, who we are. And it's, man, it made me think. Do I look at women. Do I treat women a certain way. Have I always.

You know. If I do. Where does it come from. Is it because of a relationship. I have in my. In my past. In my family. When a woman talks.

Am I listening to her differently. Am I looking at her differently. Made me ask myself these things. You know. Made me ask myself about things. You know, it made me ask myself about race, you know, racism, about where some of, do I have, do I have views? You know, if I'm walking past, I mean, the town I grew up in, it was black and white. So my history with a lot of race and a lot of the racial issues in America are black and white. So I would think, do I listen if I'm talking to a black man or if I'm meeting a new black friend? Do I have certain views

or do I feel different than if I'm meeting a white person? Maybe ask myself some questions and I like that. Some people don't want to feel some of that discomfort of asking themselves questions. And that's fine. That's fine if you don't want to. But I don't think you have anything to lose by doing it. And I think even though 2017 was wild and it was fiery, you know, and Trump won office,

you know, but look, I'll say this, dude. That was the most or that was 2016 that he won or whatever. But he got inaugurated. That was one of the most savage things ever. You know? I mean, that was gangsta. That that dude snuck in,

Mr. Steal Yo Office. Because there was surely a moment when everyone was riding down the street after Trump got elected thinking to themselves, man, fuck, I could be president. I could be president.

Like, you want to talk about giving everybody hope? Man, I mean, look, the guy is certainly an egomaniac. He's an empath. You know, he probably never was loved in his life. It seems like if you look into the history about him and his father, you know, he probably doesn't know about love. He probably doesn't, you know, he's probably he's probably just has a lot of, you know, is not very empathetic at all. But but he's, you know, he's a dirty businessman. That's what he is.

But also, that's what most of this fucking country is these days. That's what most of politics is these days, is dirty businessmen. So, am I surprised that he ended up there? I'm not at all. I am not at all. You know, and I think he captured some of that I don't want to say the poor white vote, but just, dude, white people have been looked down upon so much. When you're poor and white, dude, the only thing you have a lot of times is, you know, your belief in America and religion. And Hollywood beats those things up, you know.

And Hollywood beats those things up. So I think Hollywood kind of even ruined a lot of that vote by just saying – just being very anti kind of the red, white, and blue idea of America, you know it's just i mean so many shows i feel like beat down on religion a lot and when you're poor man trust me look dude i've been right there you know there were many years of my life where the only thing i felt like i had somewhere inside of me was the the hope that a higher power or a God out there cared about me or loved me. So when you beat up on that kind of stuff, man, you're going to have people rebel. You're going to have people angry. And it's rocky, man. It's rocky. But 2017 made me personally think a lot.

Made me think about things. And here we are, man. We're in 2018. And I'm not going to, you know, I'm not dwelling, but we got a lot of cool stuff happening here on this past weekend. I'm going to get into a couple of things that happened to me actually this past weekend. I got to perform for both of the Rose Bowl teams, Georgia Bulldogs and Oklahoma Sooners. That was straight crispy. That was crispy Yamaguchi. I'm going to talk about that.

I'm going to talk about my New Year's Eve plans. I went back home and visited my family. If you haven't checked that out on YouTube, you can meet my family. It's called Meet My Family Christmas on YouTube, on my YouTube channel. Make sure to subscribe, please. I appreciate your support. I'm going to announce a couple of stand-up comedy dates. January 11th through the 14th, I'll be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California.

January 18th through the 20th, I'm at the New Comedy Club in Jacksonville, Florida. February 2nd through 3rd, I'll be at the Oxnard, California at Levity Live. February 8th through 11th, I'll be at Harvey's in Portland, Oregon. I'll be at Harvey's February 8th through the 11th. February 22nd through the 24th, I'll be in Indio, California at Fantasy Springs Casino. And April 6th and 7th. I'll be in Tampa Florida. At Rock Brothers Brewing. Some of those links will be available. On Theovan.com.

Slash tour. T-O-U-R. And some of those will be going up here in the next week. As we get those shows put up. But those are all real dates. And those are places that I'll be coming to. And if you want to go somewhere, won't you go to Gray Block Pizza? Gray Block Pizza, man, you know that charter sponsor

this past weekend. They got them calzones, them salads. They're the only place in America that have that salad pizza. They got them gourmet pizzas and them beverages. Get your thirsty. Get your hungry. Get your hungry. Get your gray block pizza. 1811 Pico Boulevard, Los Angeles, on the way to the beach. Stop in there. Crack open your jaw. Open your mouth.

Get that hit up. Man, I'll tell you this. These football players, if I had to pick one team, I don't even know when these guys play. Actually, they play Monday night. Based on how they behaved as a group at the comedy shows. Because each team, there was a lineup. We performed different nights for each team.

One night for the Georgia Bulldogs, and one night for them Oklahoma Sooners, them boys out of Oklahoma. And I would say based on the ability, just the freneticness, I would say that Georgia Bulldogs was wild. Them boys was wild, man. We came in. They were all dancing on the stage. That was a crazy thing.

So this team gets to the club before. And they're all eating at the Hollywood Improv there. And they got their team buses outside. I put some of it up on my Patreon, actually. But they had the team buses outside. And I go inside. And I'm excited. You know, I mean, I went to LSU, you know, I went to University of Arizona.

I went to a semester at sea. I went to Santa Monica College, College of Charleston. I went to some different spots, you know, but so, you know, especially with that LSU vibe, you know, you're involved in that SEC football. And the SEC supplies at least, I would say, half the NFL. And I know that's a lie, but still feels good saying it. And them boys, them Georgia boys, man, they were, I mean, they were sitting up on top of the furniture. They're being wild. A lot of them golded up, golded up in that grill, you know. I mean, just something, one dude so golded up, I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his mouth and a couple of old bearded men came walking out with pickaxes.

I mean, that boy was just dang, he was, you know, he was filled up in the gills with them magical nuggets, with the magical golden nuggets. And we also we got in there and performed it. And I'll tell you this. I got up. I was the first guy up and I am white. And man I started out

strong. I started out hitting them boy. I was hitting them. I was hitting them. And all the white players it was probably I would say 75-25. 75% black players, 25% white players. And some people are like, well, what does that have to do with anything, Theo?

Well, it doesn't. I'll just say this. The black players, a lot more rowdy. Black people are more rowdy, man. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, black people supply most of the world's entertainment. You know? I mean, but these boys were out there wild.

And the white boys, more docile. More docile in there. So you had, I mean, then Georgia was set. I mean, just, you know, there's people jumping around in the back. And, like, some dudes on their phone the whole time didn't even care. The worst part was you'd be performing and some guy would say something. Because these guys are 18 to 23. Huge guys.

So there's a little bit of that machismo. I mean, I was intimidated. I'm just like, oh, fuck, man. Like, I mean, dude sitting right in the front looking at me like they don't give a fuck. Because also, you know, I'm 15 years, I'm 13 years older than these guys. So, you know, they're like, they're probably like, what's this, you know, this man talking about? And I'm worried a lot of times that my material is going to disconnect some. I mean, I got up there and put some hits on them. But there was a couple moments where I was like, dang, man.

This is, I feel sweat. I was like, man, I was sweating. And I told them, I was like, man, I can't even imagine playing against some of you guys. I cannot even imagine. But they were more wild, and the Oklahoma crew was more docile. And the Heisman Trophy winner, Baker Mayfield, he wasn't there. And it was me, Jeff Ross, Chris D'Elia, Donnell Rawlings. And it was wild, man.

It was something else. It was something else. It was something else 100%. And the Oklahoma boys were more docile. You know, just more chill. A little bit more, maybe say respectful. You know, but I think that's a little bit more like Oklahoma. The values there are a little bit more, you know, you kind of expect a little bit more i don't know respect but it seemed like more organization but now we walk when i first walked in and the and the

oklahoma players are on stage i mean they just walked up on the stage at the improv at the comedy club and they're up there they got two mics and they're just roasting each other just like just literally just like like whenever they you know do rhymes and call each other, just like, just literally just like, like whenever they, you know, do rhymes and call each other names. And it was the worst. It was basically just people saying bitch and bitch nigga over and over again, right? It was just like anything that would rhyme with that. It was funny to see them though. It was just like, it looked like just like in a movie, you know?

But I mean, the teams were having a good time. I will say that it seemed like both teams were having a great time. Some of these guys had never been to a comedy show before. So I felt honored, you know, to be a part of that experience for them. Like some of these guys are sitting there like, wow, this, this occurs, this happens. Stand up comedy. I remember the first comedy show I ever went to, I was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And they had a friend of mine won tickets to the comedy club.

Because you know a lot of comedy clubs, they do that you won tickets thing. And they call you up and say you won tickets. You're like, I didn't even enter a drawing. They're like, we don't give a fuck. You won tickets. And so, you know, we got the tickets. We went and I sat there and a man got on stage and started making me laugh. And I was like, wow, this is a job?

I mean, it just blew my mind that that was a real thing you could do. And I laughed at this man. I think his name was Mark Gross. And years later, I would work with him in a comedy club. And this before I knew I wanted to be a comedian. I just knew I didn't want to have a regular job. But I got up there and he was, I mean, he was killing me in Baton Rouge, Louisiana at the Funny Bone Comedy Club. I mean, he was killing me. In Baton Rouge, Louisiana at the Funny Bone Comedy Club. And they had these big plastic cups that said Funny Bone on them.

And you could spend, you know, $10 and get a drink and keep the cup. But I remember thinking, wow, unbelievable. And that's the only live comedy show I ever saw before I decided to get into the line of work myself. That's the only live comedy show I ever saw before I decided to get into the line of work myself. It's the only live comedy show I ever saw before I decided to get into that line of work. I don't know if you guys checked out. I shared it on my YouTube channel. I want to thank a gentleman named Mike at Happy Claw Productions in Atlanta.

He sent me a cartoon that he made just of a random excerpt from the podcast. You helped make my holidays. I got to show that to my family and friends and they just loved it. They just damn, you know. It's hilarious, dude. Actually, he made me look a little more handsome in the cartoon, but you can check that out. You can check that out on his YouTube page.

I shared it on mine mind but go there and support support him what else do I want to tell you guys I went back home went back home to Louisiana I went to Mississippi I was only able to do a short episode

had a nice time you know got to see my little nieces and nephews and my nephew's just getting long you ever see a kid and you don't see him for a while and you're like damn that kid is just long and isn't it what do you remember remember how weird it was when you're and the crazy thing is you don't let me think about this like he doesn't realize he's growing i mean he realizes you know because you know the parents will put the marker on the door or whatever but

to him it's just he's just living his life but to us it's like you know when you see him once in a while your nephews or family members and they're growing if they're children then you're like wow that blows me You know, surprising to see him stretch out. But it made me remember being like, remember when you come back from school, from summer break, and like you were 11 or 12 years old, and suddenly one of your friends looked like a fucking alien, bro? Remember that? You come, dude have like the, all of a sudden, like one of his arms longer arms longer than the like he hit like a gross spurt, you know you could just see like you know his chin was real like his body you're just like what the fuck Daniel I just is you is your daddy a alien

all of a sudden he's got pointy elbows or he's got a lot you know it was just so crazy I remember when you saw that friend that had that growth spurt. Or they had that one friend that got the beard. Remember that? There was always that one friend who hit that fucking hair spurt and he showed up all just you know, just hermited out with that beard. Eighth grade dude's got a clean ass beard. And he would, bro, he was soon, whoever the beard dude was, the second he got the beard, he had it through the rest of high school.

Because he was the guy that was going to buy liquor for you. He was the guy that was going to try and sign you out of school or sign, if he was dating a girl at the middle school or junior high, he would go over there and try to sign her out of school. You know, he would pretend he'd come to, you know, you try to send him in. If he didn't go to your school, you'd have him try to come to parent-teacher conferences if you got in trouble. You know, I remember we had this dude at my school named Rhapsody, right? He was a little bit, he was a mixed, he was mixed, you know, black and white. And, and he had that, but he had white beard hair. He had white person beard hair. And so Rhapsody, but he looked old, dude. Rhapsody looked like about, usually a mixed guy will look very young,

you know, mixed dudes are the, I mean, everybody wants to be mixed. Mixed dudes seem like they never have a problem. You never see a stressed out mixed dude. Because they got it all. They're living in the lamb's nutsack. They got it all. And so Rhapsody, sometimes you would have him come to parent-teacher conference for you. Because he went to a school that was over in Slidell, Louisiana. And he looked older.

So if you needed somebody to come and meet with your teacher, you'd hit up Rhapsody. I think at the time, $25, he'd hit up those PTCs for you. And try to be, you know, he was everybody's stepdaddy. That was a good time, man. I enjoyed being young. And that was fun. But yeah, those growth spurts, man. You'd hit those spurts.

And you would just, you know, that was just so crazy to me how much children would grow. And how much you'd have that weird summer where you showed up and, you know, your buddy's eyeballs were bigger. You know, he was just hitting a growth spurt. Or you'd be at lunch. You know, in the morning, he'd be dressed regular. And by lunchtime, his shirt wouldn't even fit him. And you're like, damn. Freaking Sheldon hitting that spurt, boy.

This dude sprouted two inches, you know, over brunch. He's spurting out. And those were, That was always fun. But it's crazy to think that suddenly you just hit a point where you don't grow anymore. But it was nice to see my nephew had grown some and it was just interesting to see that and see him evolve a little bit as a person

and have a little bit... When kids are 3, 4, 5, they're just fucking, they are freelance assassins. They're assailants. They're murderers without weapons. Dude, if a man came in your house and did what a three or four-year-old does, throw paint everywhere, shit somewhere, that man would be in jail. You know, if he had a weapon, I mean, you know, like one of my little nephews almost

beat my sister's eye out with a little pet, with a kitty litter scooper. And if he would have been, you know, if he had that same genomes and, you know, older, if you have that three-year-old mentality and a 30-year-old, they'd be a killer. But so it's just wild to see how little children behave, but how they start to mature. It was interesting to watch, man. It was really interesting. I had a good time with my family. If you get a chance, check it out on YouTube. You can meet them. And we had fun man my my uh my sister makes me laugh and i got a sister looks just like me but uh she's a girl and and she always makes me laugh man but

we had a good time i have beautiful nieces and nephews and uh you know i got to spend time with my mother and you know not a bunch of time and i didn't get her those goats i didn't get my mother the goats i was going to get her you know two two goats because if you get somebody one goat uh you're a piece of shit because a goat can be lonely that's goats number one skill is to be lonely. So you always have to give somebody two goats. But I gave my mother two goats. I didn't give her two goats. I was going to. And then I decided against it because she didn't want it. And in the end, it was just what I wanted. But honestly, I almost felt like I should have trusted my instincts because I kept feeling, I saw her on Christmas, I saw her on Christmas and then I didn't see trusted my instincts because I kept feeling, I saw her on Christmas, I

saw her on Christmas and then I didn't see her after that because I had other families that I had grown up living with and that I had to go stop by and see. And man, I could tell a little bit, I think that she wanted me to stop by and drop by and see her. I think she just wanted me to see her. And so I think at that point she had wished that I had gotten the goats. So that I would have had an excuse or another reason to come by. My mother has to take care of my stepfather.

You know, he got Alzheimer's. Or dementia. You know, he's out there on the, you know. He's missing a few stacks. You know, he's missing a few stacks in his brain racks. So he always mostly talks about the war. He's ready to shoot them up and everything. And he likes to put on his gloves and take them off.

My mother's his caretaker. So she has to spend a lot of her time doing that. But I guess, I don't know. I wish I'd have spent more time with her. I probably should have. I just had a lot. I had a lot to do. I had a lot to do, you know, but I don't know, sometimes when I think about my life, it seems like my mother's always been a little, she's almost had too much stuff to do her whole life to be able to really spend time with me. There's always something that's pressing that prevents me and her from spending time together.

You know. And I guess that's. You know. Just a reason that. There's a reason for that. I don't know what it is. But. Maybe you know.

More shall be revealed. In the future. But. Good to see the family. Loved them. I hope you had a happy holidays. And. And I'm happy to be back.

Man. I got to tell you guys. We had some calls that came in for Matt. Matt was on the last episode. And we got also, man, I'm going to play this for you right now. We're going to talk to this gentleman either on Wednesday's episode or next month, or on Thursday or next Monday's episode, we're going to talk to this guy. He called in and hit the hotline. Some of you guys know one of my lines from my Netflix special, No Offense, is,

I wish people would quit shooting up movie theaters and start shooting up fucking Denny's. Denny's Restaurant. Right? Well, here we got this call on the hotline. Here we go. Hey, Theo. My wife and I were watching your special on Netflix last week, and we both almost had heart attacks when you started talking about shooting up a Denny's. Because when I was 19, I went to jail for shooting up a Denny's. It's a story I'd love to tell you.

There you go. You heard it. That gentleman went to jail for shooting up a Denny's. And hopefully we're going to talk to him. I've already confirmed that we're going to speak with him. He'll be our first live call. I don't know if that'll be on Wednesday or on Sunday, on Thursday's episode or on Sunday's, but we're figuring that out. But I want to thank everybody for your support because it's helping me. I have an

assistant now, Shy Chris, beautiful Latino gentleman. And he's helping and Bud Galloway coming in and that dude really has some issues he bud has some real issues but uh but you guys's support on patreon and support here by viewing um is is really helping man and gray block pizza and everybody's support and they uh it's just been it's been awesome man so i'm super grateful yeah what else dude let's get into some things huh let me think about what else happened to me this past weekend

i'm going to dinner tonight i got some comedy shows with david spade uh tonight for new year's eve at the comedy store um what else i think i got four or 4 sets tonight 4 or 5 sets so I'm happy to put that down get it done I got a bad haircut so I am pissed I'm fucking pissed bro dude this lady

I went to fucking Floyd's dude I went to Floyd's and I didn't go to my usual guy because it was one of those things where I wanted my haircut right then. You ever get that thing like your dude or your lady or your dude you go to to get it cut, to get that chip out, to get that ship shape? They're not available.

So I wanted to get primed up. I was just feeling, probably feeling less than or feeling defeated or something. I don't know, a little bit of some shit. And I was like, I need to get haircut now. Go to Floyd's. Everybody's booked up. The man said it'd be a half hour. I wait.

It's an hour and ten minutes later. And I should have. And this lady said she'll take me. This lady, she looked like a, this lady looked like a fucking clown that couldn't get work. She had like, her hair was all dyed green in the middle. Like around the, she had a butt cut and then it was dyed green, right? I know my hair looks like shit, bruh. But she was, she just had the worst fucking haircut.

She had the worst haircut. She had on the thickest glasses ever. I'm like, there's no way. I wouldn't let this lady cut a yard. I wouldn't let her cut 100 acres of grass that didn't have a tree. Because I would be afraid she'd hit a tree. Even if there was no trees out in that grass.

This broad would bring a tree in from somewhere and run that bitch over with a push mower. Just because she just had that in her. And man, I still, and I still let her cut my hair. And dude, she thinned it out. I mean, I feel like a damn test animal. She clipped off some of that, some of the falls in the back and just made me furious.

You know, she just, I mean, I've just been so furious at this green mollusk that cut my hair, this farsighted green mollusk that I let take a pair of scissors upside my head. And why I continue. To make that choice. Year after year. Letting some fucktard. Fucking. Dung Muppet. Criminal.

Do that to me. I mean you just shouldn't be allowed to do shit that you can't do. There's no way this lady can cut hair. There's no fucking way. Dude, I, oh man, I wouldn't let this fucking lady cut a piece of paper with a sword. Dude, I just, I'm just, I'm just angry. I've been dealing with some of that anger. I've been dealing with some of that anger. We got some good calls in to come in. First, we're going to get to some news. Let's get to a little bit of news, man. Let's do that. I'll tell you

this right here. This story is cool, bro. A 34-year-old Washington man was caught giving a massage to a 14-year-old boy, then slipping him that $10 bill and a thank you note. The police were able to track down the man who was later found out to be the notorious piggyback bandit

whose claim to fame was tricking male high school athletes into giving him back rides. In an attempt to reform himself, he decided give in instead to hand out massages at the airport to teenage boys and then and then slip them a note with a ten dollar bill in it first of all the fact that he was the piggyback ride bandit i'm actually going to look this up even more um because this story was ridiculous. The piggyback ride bandit. He was working at, this was in Montana, so I don't even know why it said that. The stocky man showed up in a basketball uniform for a game at Century High School in North Dakota.

Players and coaches assumed he was a fan who had come with another team, so nobody objected when he began to pitch in around the bench. That is wild, bro. Like, that's a freaking next-level pedophile. And I don't even know if this guy was, I mean, look, there's one thing, massaging an athlete, you know, so many of these boys are strong, and you want to get out there and touch a tricep, you know, some of these boys are strong. And you want to get out there and touch a tricep.

You know? Or you want to feel around you know, you want to fucking feel around a fucking young fella's femur. You know, I think there's a difference. There's a difference if you're doing it and you you know, you're skeeting out. If you're going and hiding in a van afterwards or, you know, putting your back

against a tree in the woods you know and you know, and your back against a tree in the woods, you know, and floss and sauce onto the earth. That's different. But if you were just, you know, you want to touch a young buck and remember what it was like to be young, I mean, that's just a little bit of a vibe, I think. He makes himself appear as if he's limited or handicapped. Limited.

We're all limited, man. Say what you mean. Is he wearing a fucking neck brace? Is he wearing a fucking dick holster? You know, does he have his legs tied together? What's he fucking doing? I hate it when reporters are so vague. We didn't realize what we were dealing with until several days later.

The piggyback bandit Sherwin Sheyegan of Bothell, Washington Okay, he's from Washington. 28-year-old man who integrates himself with high school sports teams. Then hoists his 5'8", 240-pound frame onto the

backs of the student-athletes. So I guess he gets in with the teams, it seems like. Then he asks the players for piggyback rides. Man, I got to say respect to this dude. This is the Rudy Rudiger of pedophiles right here. You know, he's out there just looking for some, he's probably really looking for male companionship. Like in a way where, you know, a brotherly, you know, and it probably is if he's got a little bit of that tism or if he's got a, you know.

You know, if he's wearing that, you know, if he's one of God's favorites, then he might be, you know, he might be expressing it in weird ways. He's pretended to interview athletes for a term paper, acted as a team, acted as a team manager, or just tried to blend in with the crowd for a piggyback payoff. He's been nicknamed the piggyback bandit. He has a lengthy criminal rap sheet in Washington. Dang. And that's Washington. You got to probably do some wild shit up in Washington to get a rap sheet. Because it's mostly the woods.

You know? Mostly a lot of shit you could chalk up to Mother Nature. You know, if you're out there you know, if you're out there giving fellatio to a lamb you could probably say, look, I'm just trying to stay organic, you know? You know,

from farm to tongue. That's what this meal is, from farm to tongue. That's what this meal is, from farm to tongue. Somebody said this, an executive director at the Montana High School Sports Association. What's disturbing to me is that he is jumping on our young athletes. He is 240 pounds and he can hurt someone. Yeah, well not if your athlete's got some balls in their sacks, Mark. Mark out here with this bullshit. Put your boys in a gym, Mark.

Let me tell you this, Mark. If your student athletes can't carry around a handicapped fellow on their back, then they're probably not going to make it in athletics. Why don't you just call them students then instead of student athletes? Why don't you just call them students then instead of student athletes? In October, Shiegan was arrested in Helena, Montana for jumping on two unsuspecting high school soccer players during a state tournament, boy. Woo-woo! Boy, that's that, uh, when you try to do that two-person crowd surfing.

That's that two-person crowd surfing. That's that two-person crowd surfing. That's all Shea Egan's doing. Man, that's a wild surprise when somebody doesn't know you about to crowd surf. And then you just jump on top of them at 240. Woo-woo! That's America, boy. What else they have here? He pled guilty on February 1st to two misdemeanor assault charges. Man, I'm sorry.

This dude's got me laughing so hard. The judge told him, go back to Seattle and behave. That's what the judge told him. Judge Bob Wood. I like that, man. Another game he showed up at, they said, I think at one point he was giving water to individuals. Well, he's helping out. You know who else does that? Mother Nature.

Mother Nature gives water to individuals. And if she jumped on your back or she tried to touch your thigh a little bit or squeeze around that soft skin behind the you know around the behind your knee in the little fold of your leg right there you're gonna call the cops on her no you're not gonna so won't you think about things you know before you guys just reporting this dude who probably is afflicted you know come on man give this guy a break oh man sorry i just caught one more quote in this story it said he he was jumping on players' backs after they showered and came out of the locker room. Now, that's pretty gangster.

That's pretty gangster, man, because it's hard to jump on a wet person's back. It's hard to, you know, because if somebody wet, you could slip off them. And it's hard to land and hold on to a wet person. You know, we used to play a game like that, you know, when we would grease each other up sometimes. You know, and this was right before it got real hot. You know, around the last cold front of the year, we would put oil or get that can of Crisco. They used to have, before everybody started having olive oil, they had this thing called Crisco. It was a can of white, like hard sauce.

And your mother would have it or your grandparents would have it and they could do anything with it. I mean, they could fix the car. They could, you know, they could spackle in a wall hole. You could do anything with this shit. You could fill a cavity. You could start a cavity. You could fix your hair. And my buddy's. My buddy's uncle used to gel down his neck hair. He had so much neck hair, he would gel it down, just straight down into his chest hair. And he used to do that sometimes with Crisco. But when we were kids, we would put Crisco all over our bodies, and we'd get out there in the yard and tackle each other and play football.

And that was always the funnest time, that game, when people would do that. But, man, that's a wild story and that's the piggyback ride bandit strikes again. That's what that story was. And we'll share this clip out on the YouTube, this clip alone. Apple admitted they're slowing down the iPhones. You heard that? What a bunch of shit. These companies, man, it's just fucked up. They're already making so much money and they're going to. You heard that? What a bunch of shit. These companies, man, it's just

fucked up. They're already making so much money and they're going to fuck people like that? I hope if North Korea shoots something, it hits somebody like that. It hits one of these companies that's just taking advantage of mass, of the masses.

Because I don't think it's right. There's nothing more. Because that ruins everything. You know, you're a mother trying to keep in touch with your kids. You're trying to keep in touch with a loved one. You're trying to watch a video your family's seeing. And it just slows your whole life down a little bit. You know?

And we all know it. We all know, like, suddenly everybody's phone just doesn't work. The update screws it up. Man, I hope if they fire a missile, boy, land one over there. Whoever made that decision, land it right in they ass. Put a little

Crisco on that sucker. And if it doesn't blow up and it's just lodged in their butt, send in my boy Shea Egan, that piggyback bandit. And let him get that hitter, boy. What else? That's all we got, man, in that. We had a lot of call-ins.

Now, our last full episode, we had a guy named Matt call in. And I'm going to say it, Fat Matt. Matt was calling in saying he had some eating issues. He also said he doesn't like to drink water. Plain water was his actual term, which is just water. And I'm not calling him Fat Matt to make fun of him. I'm just saying, look,

if your name's Matt and you're thicker, we've all been bullied somehow, dude. My name's Theo, right? They called me P.O. Theo, because I wet the bed, right? Well, you're thinking, well, you know, yeah, okay, that makes sense. I went to bed when I was 30, bro, 30.

So, you know, we all got something. You know, if you're Cindy and you got a lot of body gas, they call you Wendy Cindy. You know, if you're Mark and you're an arsonist, they call you Spark Mark. You know? If your name is, uh, if your name is fucking, um,

you know, if your name is Tyson, and you, uh, and you date Asian chicks, they call you Rice and Tyson. Rice and Tyson. Or if you use Asian chicks, they call you Rice and Tyson. Rice and Tyson. Or if you use ricin, like they use in Breaking Bad to poison people, they call you Rice and Tyson.

And I'm just saying, they all have, you know, we all got these shady little, everybody's got something. So this fellow was called Matt. That's his name, unless it was an assumed name. And Matt, I thank you for calling, man. I've never had the issue of too much weight. I've had the issue of being skinny.

That sucks too. I feel like you're just as afraid to take your shirt off when you're skinny at the pool. And you look like somebody that came out of an internment camp. You look like somebody that just got released from some prison where they don't feed you. So I can't relate 100%, but I can relate in feeling inferior or feeling different. But we had some advice that came in for you, Matt, and I want to put that into a segment right here for you. And so here we go. What's up, Theo?

I wanted to call in and offer some advice for the fad dude. Yeah, man, you definitely sound like a fad dude. Ooh, man, this guy coming in hot right there. And, Matt, I'm not siding with this guy. He's calling you the fad dude. I'm not siding with that. But, look, it sounds like he's being poignant. Let's hear what he's got to say.

You mentioned you don't like plain water, so that makes me think you're drinking soda. And, you know, you can't be doing that, man. Sugar, wheat, and refined carbs are very bad for us. And I don't think we should be eating them at all. I think we should just be eating those cooked meats and basically protein and fats, man. I want you to start waking up in the morning and going for a walk on an empty stomach, man. Well, you got some points there. And that might be some of the hard truth right there, Matt, if you're listening to this. But that's real. Going for a walk on an

empty stomach. Eating cooked meats. Get out there, boy. Fill your mouth with the cut of that dove. Try something fancy. Try a hard salami. Try something fancy. Try a hard salami. You know? Try something wild. You know, have some rabbit. Get a fucking cut of vark off the internet. Hit you up with some hard vark. They got sites that sell it. Eat that elk.

You know, or get you a fine turkey meat. You know, do something. I'm saying if you want to change, you called in about the change. This guy's giving you some hard truth here. That's why I'm going to let him ride it. Let's keep going onward. Put on Theo's podcast and go for an hour-long walk in the morning. What that's going to do is that's just going to speed up your insides.

Basically, that's going to make everything a little bit faster in there throughout the day and speed up your metabolism. There you go. That's a life hack right there. Thank you for calling with that advice. You know, he's dropping it on you. You know, and I kind of wish that fella could have said a little bit more, you know, maybe had a little more compassion in it. You know, like, look, Matt, I understand.

You know, I have this issue, and here's maybe some suggestion. But he wanted to hit you straight. He wanted to give you that hitter, man. He wanted to gray block you, and that's what happened. You got that. So that wanted to hit you straight. He wanted to give you that hitter, man. He wanted to gray block you. And that's what happened. You got that. So that's some advice right there. He's saying get your motor going before you put gas in it.

So that way when the gas goes in, you're already burning. You know? You're burning before you start churning. And that's that. Let's hear a little bit more, Matt. I want to give you a couple more callers that hit the hotline. And the hotline is 985-664-9503. And it's a hotline where if I can relate to any young men out there or women.

But, you know, this isn't a man show. But this show has started off where we offer basic life suggestions for adult men. And if it's something I can relate to, I'll share my experience so you're not having to experience it alone. And if I can't, sometimes I'll present it out to the audience and see if other men can help you out. Or other women. You know, this isn't just men, but, you know, this is predominantly men. Onward. Hey, Theo, it's your boy Andrew from Minnesota, and I'm just calling.

Andrew from Minnesota. Minnesota, one of the states where you're least likely to get pink eye. Did you know that? You do now. In regards of Matt, if you have some problems with addiction and food, this is what worked for me when I went on my last diet. Now, I think it'd be beneficial if you cut out eating until you're really actually hungry. Now, that's something that I think a lot of people overlook is they think they're hungry, but they're really just craving food. You really just want to eat something. Man, I feel that, and I can relate to that even.

Because I'll notice if I get up in the morning and I eat immediately something big, it's just a habit. I find that I get my most work done and most effectively if I don't even eat until lunchtime. I mean, I'm skittish. I mean, look, I'll be honest. By then I've had two or three coffees and I'm skittish and I almost want to probably cry or take a nap and call my mom. But I've gotten some stuff done. Let's hear more. Just go on a mini fast.

And then guess what? You're going to be so hungry that that salad, that can of tuna, that chicken thigh that's got nothing on it but a little salt and pepper, you know, that's going to start looking really good, man. You're not going to be able to lie to me and tell me that that's not going to start looking good. You got to get really hungry, man. Ooh, I like that. He's saying you got to David Copperfield that gut. So if your gut sees something, of course.

Look, if my gut wakes up and is lurking around and see a hot cake, see a little dish of syrup, then my gut is going to jump on that, right? But if my gut gets burning, if I take a 10-minute walk, you know, if I take a little stroll around or get moving and my guts burning and then I wait two hours then that hunger built up that hunger back there flexing back behind you boy that hunger is peeking out you know it's peeking out from behind your spine and you know dropping out of your asshole and peeking around from under your nuts because that hunger starts looking for something then you're not living off a habit you're living off of hunger. And that's when you'll eat an apple. That's when you'll have just a small stack of cheese.

You know, or that's when you'll have just a little, you know, even just mix some salt and pepper in your hand and take that. You know, that's what we used to have when I was young, man. And they used to call that a coal miner's cigarette. When you would just mix salt and pepper in your hand and just have it like that real fast and a lot of coal miners used to do that because they couldn't smoke down in the mines because sometimes they had natural gas in there so they'd have that coal miner's cigarette

they'd take a little salt, a little pepper sometimes even a little bit of snuff put it in there circle it around in their hand take it to the pipe throw that shit down your throat get spicy and get salty and get fucking you know, circle it around in their hand, take it to the pipe. Throw that shit down your throat. Get spicy and get salty and get fucking...

Get twisty off that snuff powder. Let's hear a little more. Actually hungry. You can't be craving food. You have to actually be hungry. A lot of people say they're hungry. They're just craving food. Boom.

That's true. That boy's on it. He's on it like a hornet. That boy will stang your sister. That boy will leave a baby in your family. You know what I'm saying? That gentleman right there, you can tell he gets in, he's effective, and he gets out. That's that freelance Tony Robbins right there. That gentleman, what was his name? Hey, Theo, it's your boy, Andrew. That was Andrew. That was wild Andrew out there. Just firing, boy. It's a sniper. Here's the facts, Jack.

One more call for you, Matt. Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Anthony. I just want to leave a quick comment about Matt from Cleveland who's having a tough time eating healthy food. Thanks for calling. More? And prefers non-plain water. I think the thing that Matt needs to do first is to quit being a little pussy ass bitch.

And I don't mean that to be funny. So, I don't know. That's my advice. Peace out. Hope it helps, Matt. Damn. And that's gutter right there. He just said, quit being a pussy ass bitch.

And sometimes, dude, and I, you know, and I'll say this with the new assistant, I'm not hearing these calls before. So this is the first time that I'm hearing these calls in their entirety. If it's one that I need to have some reference point on I will but so this is the first time I'm hearing this I think that's sometimes we have to hear that sometimes you have to have somebody tell you the fucking truth because we're out here living in this sauce this and that

but there's effective ways to do it. You know, sometimes there's more effective ways than just calling somebody a pussy, you know. And fucking, you know, cutting their back open and putting fucking, you know, glitter in their wounds. You know. But there's other, there's ways to do it. You know, but sometimes we just have to fucking hear it. All right. What else?

Oh man. I know everybody had, thank, I want to thank everybody for coming on the Hampton ain't easy tour last year. And we got this call that came in on the hotline right here. This fellow, let's go. Hey Theo.

My name is Austin. I'm a, I'm from Oregon up here, just south of Portland. So one night I was working on the farm that I live on, and I'm working away, and I heard you on your other podcast, allegedly, talking about hamster farms. Yep, I grew up in a hamster breeding area. And that's true there, Austin. I grew up in the stray animal belt. Let's hear more.

Talking about hamster farms. And I thought it was crazy because I live on a hamster ranch. I was right in the middle of feeding hamsters. I was kind of freaking out. I was just in there by myself feeding hamsters, listening to you talk about hamsters.

That's beautiful, boy! That's beautiful. He out there. Has everybody been thinking over time that I'm not coming at you with the reality of things? That I didn't, that I didn't grow up in with the reality of things. That I didn't grow up in a hamster breeding area. That I wasn't raised in the stray animal belt.

Get with me. Let's hear more. with Theo and hamsters. I thought it was pretty funny. I was feeding hamsters, and randomly you were talking about hamsters and live on this hamster ranch at night. I don't know what I do without you guys' podcasts. Every night when I'm feeding baby hamsters, I'm listening to, allegedly, listen to all the old back episodes and new ones when they come out. If you're ever in need of a hamster ranch sponsor or if you're ever in the Portland area next,

maybe we could negotiate something with the hamsters, or just a tour, or something. 100%, Austin. 100%, I'll be hitting you up when I come into town over that weekend. And that's February 8th through the 11th. Harvey's

in Portland, Oregon. Maybe we'll even get a couple of listeners out to it as well. Maybe we'll do something special. I'll be in touch with you. I appreciate that. And you know that that man, if you can't think of something to bring you joy people, if you can't think of something to bring you joy

know that that man out there feeding them little hamsters. He out there feeding them little hamsters at night time. One man doing all of that work. And that is a small God. That man is a small God. Those little mouths.

And he feeding them water. He feeding them milk. He feeding them sugar water. Man, that's beautiful. Thank you for calling, Austin. Thank you for calling. A lot of cool stuff on this episode. Happy New Year to you guys.

Do I have some resolutions? Yeah, I got some resolutions. They're just general, you know. Still battling with trying to quit smoking. I had 14 days of no smoking. And then I got... Something happened after a comedy show and I just felt irritable and discontent. And then I smoked a cigarette. And then I probably had two cigarettes a day since then.

So, you know, I'm flirting with quitting, but it's just not there yet. But I'm trying. Outside of that, I want to get back in shape this year. I want to try to get in shape. So I can relate to you, Big Matt. I can relate to you, other people. I'm trying to get in shape as well. And those are really my New Year's resolutions.

They're general. And just continue to try to, you know, learn a little bit more about myself. And then just try and, man, I just, and just, I don't know, just let go of my will and let go of my ego and to get better at comedy. Those are my goals. We had some callers that came in, called in with a couple of go of my ego and to get better at comedy. Those are my goals.

We had some callers that came in with a couple of issues, and we're going to get this one. And if you guys have any thoughts, this seems like one. I haven't heard it yet, but this is from Danielle. Here we go. Hey, Theo. My name is Danielle. I am 25 and a virgin, not by choice but due to lack of takers throughout the years. Well, this sounds like Danielle is reading this like she wrote it in advance.

And that's okay. Let's back up a little bit and keep playing it. Here we go. Not by choice, but due to lack of takers throughout the years. Okay, so Danielle is still a virgin due to lack of takers. Okay, so Danielle is still a virgin due to lack of takers. Are you trapped somewhere, Danielle? Let's hear more. I think it's a rarity in this day and age to be 25 and a virgin, and I worry it will be a turnoff for any guy when he finds out, and that only heightens my insecurity about it.

So I would just love some insight into this pickle of a situation from a male sexual connoisseur such as yourself. Thanks. Well, that's a while when you're 25, you're still a virgin because of any male takers. It does seem wild in this area because they got some fellows out there. You know, you would think most fellows would. I mean, it definitely makes you nervous. I think as a man.

Because you got that, first of all, you're that, you know, you sending in that initial, that initial thistle. So you're going to be, you know, you feeding that first dolphin. This is going to be the first time your little dolphin gets fed. When you catching, when you catching a little bit of D from somebody. And does it turn men off? I mean, I would just wonder if you feel like you have to tell them. I guess you probably do because you want, you know, they got to know if you're working in, you know, in a novice universe.

Sorry, somebody just rang the doorbell making sure everything's okay. Yeah, like you want everybody to know that, you know, that there's wet paint, if you will. So that's something you probably want them to know. But is it turning men off? Is it a turn off? I think it's exciting to some men. You know, there's something in a man that wants to get that squirrel in his mouth. You know, sometimes you don't want to buy the beef jerky. Sometimes you want that raw meat.

And so a lot of men are going to be thinking like that. That's a tough one. That's a tough one. I don't know. How would I feel if a girl told me that? If I didn't care about her would I feel if a girl told me that? If I didn't care about her at all, I would be like, do I want to go here? Do I want to have sex with this girl just to get some cut up, just to get some hot wallet?

Do I want to do that? Because then I'm going to be burdened on my conscience with that I did that just for my own take. And at 17, 16, 15, 18, it's a little different because, I mean, at that age, you're just running around with an erection. You know, you'll fuck anything. I mean, you will put your dick in anything. You'd put it into a sharp vagina even if somebody told you you had a chance of not getting cut. I mean, it's just that's, you know, it's different back then.

You're not thinking about the repercussions or if anybody's feelings are involved. Around 25, you know, if you're going to date a man at least your own age or lose your virginity to a man of at least your own age, then that man probably, he might be questioning some things. You know, he might be wondering, you know, he might be worried about if he's going to feel bad if he's just trying to, you know, take your, you know, your virginity. If he's just trying to steal that, steal that squeal. So that's a tough one. And you know what?

I'm going to put that out to our callers. steal that squeal so that's a tough one and you know what i'm gonna put that out to our callers if you guys have any uh thoughts or suggestions uh for danielle there um cinnamon still a virgin at 25 let's hear the end of it again so i know exactly what she's asking so i would just love some insight into this pickle of a situation from a man okay a little further back in this day and age to be 25 and a virgin and i worry it will be a turnoff for any guy when he finds out and Okay, a little further back. I mean, look, but then now as I'm thinking about it a little bit more, it's starting to turn me on a little. So there you go with a man. At first, maybe I'm a little bit considerate about it,

but then after a while, that's the dog is getting out. You know? At first, I'll show you the parakeets out front. You'll see the pretty birds. But in the back, they got that dog. And he's starting to stretch. And he's starting to meow.

You know? So now I'm thinking it'd be nice to get out in there and get that hitter from you. So I'd love to, if you guys have any suggestions for our ladies, 985-664-9503.

Actually, I think that's more of a question for guys. Is it a turnoff? I mean, it's exciting. It's adventurous. It's your first time. A man, you don't want to be a part of that. You know, there's something limbic in a man.

You want to be that first ride. You want to be that first Ferris wheel. Because also, as a man, if we're no good, then fuck, you don't know. You have no idea. You're going to think no matter what that we're the best. So I'll tell you this for a dude that's that, you know, I'm that professional bull rider out there. You know, I'm eight seconds Ernie. You know, I'm not that long song, you know. I'm that prelude.

You know, I'm that fainting goat, boy. When it comes to sex, you know, I'm that fainting goat. I'm not that sprinter. I mean, I am that sprinter. I'm not that long distance warlord. So for a guy like me or more guys like me, yeah. Guys that know that we're not that, you know. I'm not Thor.

I'm Thurman, you know. Or I'm Thornton. You know, I'm somebody nerdier than Thor when it comes to that six, you know, to being out in that crotch. So there you go. But guys, if you got any suggestions or thoughts for her, let her know. One more call right here. Let's take it. Here we go.

Hey, Theo. My name is Marissa. I'm calling from the state of Michigan. I'm 21 years old. Thank you for calling. Marissa from Michigan. I actually have a question. Essentially, the lowdown is that I'm kind of insecure given that I know that he has

a lot more sexual experience than I do. Like, I've never felt insignificant or incompetent. I've always been pretty confident that, oh, I'm good and bad, like, whatever. This guy, like, I know, like, the level of tail that he has been able to drag in, if you will. I know all these stories and stuff, and we're friends, and it doesn't bother me hearing them, and I don't, like, you know, part of me is like, yeah, man, you get it. Now that we're kind of dating, it makes me hearing them and I don't like you know part of me is like yeah man you get it now that we're kind of dating it makes me a little bit worried I wonder you know am I not I'm not up to the standard am I not you know I'm certainly not some Vegas porn star who does it for a living I'm just a little amateur off to the side here doing what you can well look

you could be a freelance for a line and show up with some real skills. And I think this is an opportunity. You can surprise this dude because you're saying he thinks he got all the magic. You know, you're saying he thinks he got the artillery and he got the archery bows and he bringing wild antics into the bedroom and he gonna, you know, do a backflip

and land into that posse. I don't know. This one, you can bring something wild in. Bring you a toy or something. Hide something in his butt. You know, sneak something in. Fill his mouth with cabbage and, you know, and fucking choke him while y'all having sex.

You know? Tickle that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Surprise him with some of your skills. Because those skills can be anything. Put glitter in your mouth and give him that blowjob. He'll never forget you. Because it's going to take him a month to get that glitter off his wang.

You know? Hide a little bit of fuck. Put a little bit of glitter in your pocket. Get that pinch. Hide it in tween his ass. Tween his ass cheeks. You know? Butt party, baby. I'm feeling weak in the cheeks. You know, butt party, baby.

I'm feeling weak in the cheeks. Butt party. You know, you bring some magic. Just because you ain't bouncing that ass, you know, like a just because you ain't bouncing that ass like a

Cadillac in a Snoop Dogg video doesn't mean you can't show up and do something crazy. You know? While he's fucking, you turn around and fucking kick him. Now who's a badass in here? Now who's got tricks?

See if he can fuck when he can't even catch his breath. Then we'll see if he's a Conor McGregor or not. Or we'll see if he's a Conor McGregor or not. Or we'll see if he's just a you know, a Larry McGregor. Or a Dirk McGregor. Somebody you don't know or never heard of.

So that's what I'm saying. Bring your own tricks into the bedroom, darling. See what he's got. See what he's got. I want to thank you guys for coming out. I want to thank you guys for being a part of this past weekend for the new year. We are going to have our first caller call in. We're going to talk to, we're going to talk to your boy who shot up that Denny's, right?

Hey, Theo. My wife and I were watching your special on Netflix last week, and we both almost had heart attacks when you started talking about shooting up a Denny's because when I was 19, I went to jail for shooting up a Denny's. Well, I bet who had heart attacks was the people who pretty much almost, if they did, caught them bullets from you.

So I'm curious to hear more about that and learn more about that. We're going to try to have that on Thursday's episode. Otherwise, we'll do it next week. I want to thank you guys for being a part of this past weekend. Thank you guys for the support. I'll see you in some of these upcoming shows. Brea, California, Jacksonville, Florida, Oxnard, La Jolla, Indio, California, Portland, Oregon, and Tampa, Florida over in the next five months. More shows will be added soon. You can get a new This Past Weekend Onward shirt

at theovon.com slash store. And I want to thank you, charter sponsor, Gray Block Pizza. Thank you to all the callers. I want to thank you to Shy Chris. I want to thank

I want to thank the Lord above or the Lord out in the earth or Mother Nature. I want to thank everybody that got us into the new year. And I hope that this year is whatever you want. I hope this year is whatever you want. But I'll tell you this, I bet, I bet that you can make this year what you want it to be. You know, a friend of mine asked me one time, he said, dude, have you ever worked really hard at something in your life and had it not come to fruition? And I thought about it and the answer was

no. No, I haven't. I've never worked really hard at something and had it not come to fruition. Had it not come to fruition. So it just shows you man. You get out what you put in. My new year's resolution. Is to try and be active. To take on the day. To get out of my brain.

Get into my body. And go onward. Because you cannot think yourself in a positive action but you can act yourself in a positive thinking get moving let's go onward welcome to 2018 thank you guys for your love and support 2018, thank you guys Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me.

It's you. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube. And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.