This Past Weekend - No Dirty Carrots | This Past Weekend

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Back from 8 shows in San Jose. This Episode Brought to You By Skillshare Get 2 months of Skillshare free at https://skillshare.com/theovon Rich Uncles Sign up at https://weekend.robinhood.com to sign up and receive a FREE stock Hair Club Go to https://HairClub.com/THEO for a free hair analysis AND a free take home hair kit Hit the Hotline [phone] Gunt Squad To Join: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam Cox Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Amelia Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angel Perez Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Chad Saltzman Christopher Becking Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Hanas Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Cort Adams Crystal Dan Draper Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith David Wyrick Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Erin Weatherford Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Haley Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jerry Zhang Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Joseph Wuttunee Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kevtron Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Leighton Fields Logan Yakemchuk Luke Danton Matt Kaman Matt McKeen Matthew Azzam Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Peter Craig Philip James Qie Jenkins Rachael Edwards Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Riley Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Frakes Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stefan Borglycke Sungmin Choe Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall The Asian Hamster Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zach Zak StufflebeamSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's up you little March hairs huh you little tragic rabbits you see that orange dangler brother you see that carrot huh let's get it celebrate living, celebrate misery you know that soon we're gonna die let's have some fun while we all die celebrate dark days, celebrate all your pain all of your demons exercised let's have some fun while we all die and that is music and that is music by the band or the man actually Spencer Jacob Grau and he's a man and he has that song called celebrate and and I'm happy to be here with you guys today it is March it is March and it is the the

it is the year 2019 and it is this is what we got this is who we are you know the March hairs baby you know maybe getting that that that and that carrot there's that carrots always dangling in it you notice that there's always a carrot like every day I wake up there's some carrot there's that you know that little frickin orange veggie sickle just kind of hanging in the distance for me whatever it is it could be you know a financial gain it could be a love you know I want to get a love or a sex it could be an apology I need to make but there's always something out in front of me that I'm moving towards usually I think

anyway I'm just trying to think what you know it's yeah there's always something out in front of me that I'm moving towards that I want or sometimes that I need you know but there's always a carrot there's always a carrot that gets gets you that that is out in front of you and sometimes they're ones that you know you put out there their goals sometimes they're ones that that that the you know I guess ambitions I wonder what the difference between a goal and an ambition a goal I think an ambition like drives a goal you know because if you have a goal if you want to get something you know say if they have something and

it's somewhere and you want to get there then that's a goal an ambition that's the gasoline that you put in your tank or that it's in your tank they get you over to that something that gets you there so ambition I think is is basically a goals is your gasoline they get you to a goal you got to have that ambition I think also have no idea but yeah there's always a carrot that kind of gets me going and I just trying to right now just make sure that my carrots are out of a good garden that's what I'm trying to think about because you know I just noticed like you know recently that I not much changes like inside of me even

though some things will change or for me will be changing on the outside of me you know I don't know if I feel like that the inset like that they heal or that they do anything to the inside of me really you know like I mean just recently in my life you know I've had the opportunity to start making more money than I made last year you know or and so that's you know and at first you know you know it's exciting just and then it's you're still just kind of like well what but what's going on with me you know you still are just kind of with yourself or you might think I guess other things in my past have been like oh I want to get a car but

then once you get in the car and you're driving you're in the car you're just in there so it's just like you know if things change or more people like I notice get excited like especially the past couple weeks I've just noticed more like I got into an Uber the other day and the driver and I this guy was from another look I've been in a lot of other countries this guy I think was from like another planet boy this dude was from you know Mars Gannis Scandinavia you know this guy was from another I don't know he might have been you know he might have caught up you know he might have had a hit of that

freaking Santism or something I don't know where this this guy was from like he might have been raised in a sandcastle you know drinking olive juice he had a real you know I don't you know he might have you know went to summer camp on the rings of Saturn this boy I don't know what he was doing but he he's like oh I I recognized you from Hot Ones and Hot Ones is a chicken you know it's like a poultry kind of passion project of a company and I went in there last week and ate chicken wings with them and you go in there and eat the wings and then and it's hot I'm gonna put up a behind-the-scenes video today of of how

my mouth got kind of burnt out around the edges you know look like I've been trying to you know fucking French kiss a candle I was pretty you know I was kind of very I had a lot of different colors around my mouth I was starting to really rog biv around the lips you know and but um anyway I got into this uber and the man recognized me from there and knew me from there and it was and I just would never have expected it it wasn't and I was just like oh wow you know that's uh you know it's it's exciting you know it's let me think about what this is and I'm not trying to brag about this I'm trying to like I'm not trying to brag

like oh somebody recognized me from my comedy or from something at some place they saw me I'm trying to think about you know there are times when I would think like oh being popular or being having people acknowledge you that that would you know that would cure things or that would make things different for me or different I don't know but that's a carrot that's out there I notice you know that celebrity that popularity and I don't even think celebrity seems so someone that's a celebrity that shit seems scary to me because that kind of stuff is you're like it seemed like you're controlled by bigger things you

know like advertisers and and you have to answer two different larger groups that are in control of you or in control of more of your time and and things you can say but popularity that's something that I was like well that's like a carrot that's kind of been out there in my life that you know if people knew me then I would feel maybe I wouldn't feel some of the ways when I feel uncomfortable or maybe it would be a solution or maybe it would I don't know what I'm trying to say I mean I do but I don't but this is just something that was I was really thinking about once this man it was just a man that I was like oh you know I

never expected that that man would say that and he said the hot ones you know and I guess something people on the internet like to watch people eat I mean people dude there's a couple of dark I went down some dark holes the other night you could watch you know I mean and look I'll admit it you know I like watching you know when I was growing up I had a couple of you know urban friends a couple of African-American buddies and if you haven't seen them really get into some good animal meat or some good rib meat then you don't you know you haven't really seen that much you know what I'm saying these boys got that

Dyson bruh it's like watching a Dyson it's like watching a Dyson fucking you know dissect a it's like what yeah I don't know what it's like watching a damn Dyson you know if you got a black buddy and you put him on a set of ribs son he it's fucking game over dog I mean this guy's coming in and he they just they got more of a it's like my black friends that seem like they had like think like hands in their lips they go fucking you know like damn brah start sometime I would feel bad for the uh cow or or the pig the ribs ever like god damn that animals feeling that in the afterlife you know cuz you just I mean

this guy I mean I had a black buddy he could moonwalk his his his face kind of down the rib you know when they you know and I'm not saying white guys can't do it I'm not making this isn't a racial thing but some people are better at some things maybe or some people that's just my experience you know like I've seen they got that do yabiyashi the fucking hot dog monster and if you haven't seen this dude man usually 4th of July people out there you know you're out there little randles out there fucking lying to people and selling you know fake grams of coke and shit out there by the parade route and you

got little Daniels out there with his fireworks and some of me made himself you know and some of them do you fucking light them and nothing happens boy and then it just kind of and then like a kid that person will pop out of one of them and you're like damn what the fuck Daniel you've been up to some dirty tricks but everybody has their own 4th of July thing and that guy yabiyashi is a I don't know man it looked like he used to do karate and wonder he just kicked a whole bunch of fucking wet hot dogs into his mouth and he's the champ and he's the number one champion brah I mean this is dude this is this dude is the Asian

Abraham Lincoln of fucking you know questionable meets this dude he one time he had like sorry adjective sorry my phone just did something one time yabiyashi had 40 or 79 freaking wet hot dogs and that's but that's what he does on the 4th of July he goes wet hotdogging and that's crazy you know to me that's crazy but you know different people do different things anyway I'm just saying that that guy can do hot dogs right I've seen that and if you have and if you ever had any black friends growing up maybe you did maybe you did now some some black guys aren't good at eating stuff you know sometimes you need

a real I mean if you've ever seen a you know I saw a little Asian girl eat a piece of cake one time huge piece and she I mean do this shit look like if I can we're gonna take her you know two and a half weeks I mean I was like damn I can't even I watched for maybe about 30 minutes you know but I can't watch it it was cool but I wasn't gonna watch forever but what I'm saying is what am I saying Jesus Christ man God I think I went down my own worm hole inside of my head but different people do different things and so I have a memory when I was young what was I talking about people eating stuff some people are better eat I have

the experience of seeing some people eat things better than others I was talking about um was I eating something oh carrots but I don't know I don't know how I got so lost but anyway what I was originally trying to talk about or what I was thinking about was oh there's these different oh the guy when I got in I never thought that this guy in the Uber the driver was gonna be like oh I seen this boy eat some poultry on the internet you know I seen this boy fucking lippin down a couple of fucking pheasant wings on it on the whip on the on the web but that's what happened so then yeah like it just like I was thinking

about popularity and yeah I guess always in my life I thought that or maybe there was this thing that if you were popular if people liked you maybe I'm trying to think when I was young you know because I like to make people laugh and I'm just trying to think about why like what did I think that that pot like I guess I don't know if I ever was had a I wanted to be liked I guess I'm trying to think of what I if when I was young if I had if I had aims to be popular or if I wanted to be liked like what and sorry to be thinking about all this man but this just been what's on my mind I know you know or I'm not sorry you know this

is what I'm this is what's on my mind and this is honestly the first moment I've had in four days to think about you know things it was just a busy four days and you know what went to did a wonderful weekend in San Jose this dude Leonel brought out a prairie dog and God dang bro I forgot how beautiful they are my god and it was nice of me and he came out late show on Thursday and he brought out that fucking little PD's he's son you know that little ain't talking police department born talking prairie dog and they're beautiful and you don't see a lot of them and I asked him where he got and he wouldn't tell me which if

you own and bootleg prairie dogs that's the right answer I mean I don't think he had any documents you know I don't think he had any documentation any documentation on that prairie D but a beautiful animal man let me hold it and and thank you Leonel for coming out with that and he gave me a T also does music and he gave me an album and that's and that kind of sums up San Jose in some ways man you know you don't know what the fuck somebody's doing they hand you a pretty you know they put that prairie dog on your shoulder and then fucking hit you with that mixtape and it's diverse there I mean this is the

most diverse place I've ever seen you know you couldn't I mean you couldn't even be racist if you wanted to because you couldn't figure out who to hate man but you'd have to have a fucking chart I mean you'd have to have somebody spotting you a lot of racial knowledge to really be hateful so it was awesome man and I felt a lot of love man and a lot of support from all types of people man all ethnicities and and a lot of beautiful Latinos came out with their their spouses we had some mothers and sons that came out a couple twins came out and I almost made them fight because you know how I feel about twins but do

one of y'all is really living in one of y'all is milling around you know because one of y'all ain't really supposed to be here buddy you know sometimes science kind of you know the gear slips when science is shifting sometimes that gear shit that gear slips and you you know sometimes it's like when you go to McDonald's and you order the cheeseburger and you open the bag at home and they got a fucking cheeseburger and a stray little nugget in there that's twins one of y'all is that freaking hamburguesa and one of y'all is that nugget de pollo that nugget so I wanted to have them fight or arm wrestle or do

a couple of questionnaires or something see who's really supposed to be that boss out of twins because twins you know is and it's crazy like one of them always has half of the good the stuff and one of them have the other half of the stuff that you need so you got to get a little information over here and a little information over here just to figure out what the fuck they've been doing either one of them you know it's almost like you got to be a detective to even be friends with twins because you got to be like okay and will you tell me this and we tell me that and the rest of it so but they were nice guys but a lot

of met some Tongans and dude I thought Tongans honestly man when I was really young I thought Tongans were silverware big silverware sometimes you would go to a special deal and they would have somebody put them big tongue and in the salad bowl you'd be like damn these people fucking rich bro you know I'm about to sneak off to the on the way to the bathroom I'm gonna steal a damn candelabra did I remember being at some rich people's house when I was young and I would steal they had potpourri a little stack of potpourri and it basically potpourri is like it's almost like the Queen of England just gave you

a little you know a couple half ounces of a couple ounces of her garden or raked up a pile of leaves and it's like Queen Elizabeth raked up some leaves in her garden and then you know sent you a couple grams of it and rich people will set it on the top of the toilet to show you that they got that you know they got that flossy you know post-life foliage and so I go in there first time I fucking fill my pockets with that shit boy go home and just rub both of my pockets as much as I could and then all this rosary like rosy type of smell would just just permeate my room and just really you know just made me feel

like I was back at like those rich people's houses sometimes you know and yeah I used to do weird shit like that I guess to just have a different experience you know but but anyway yeah thank you for everybody that came out man just a lot of real love I mean so many loving people and I know this sounds crazy but just good people good people and I'm happy to be part of such a group a lot of this past weekend listeners and you know and I don't want you to feel I guess I don't want you to feel like when you see me that I think any different than you or that I think that I'm any better than you just because

you know at the shows I'm the person that's on stage but I do feel like a representative of our group and I don't know what that I don't know what some of that means but I'm just grateful to to be a part of it and man it just cuz I can't tell you I've been involved in different things in my life where I don't have where I've just never gotten to meet so many neat people at once and somebody got some prairie dogs so you know that's fucking rare cuz dude let me tell you that there ain't no animals living on the streets of San Jose I didn't even see a bird all weekend I mean they got people fucking lasso and

fucking crows right I mean you'll see a dude with a fishing line with a worm on it and he'll cast that bitch up into the sky and catch a fucking dirty little you know catch a dirty little dove I mean people you know it's that it's a little it's got that little bit of Vietnam going on where people you know you eat things things ain't just milling around that's like in South Africa you like in America you have caterpillars on the sidewalk dog that in in you go to Cape town you go to Johannesburg that's a damn fucking little side item walking by you go to a you know you go to some of the villages there and they will have a

whole bowl of caterpillar and they cooked them out crickets I've been there I'm not joking about this but that's see we're in America we'll let a fucking side item we'll let an appetizer live on the streets but in San Jose boy you'll see somebody fucking you know you know hook a fucking maybe a little gram of coke and a McNugget onto a fishing hook and then just cast that bitch down an alley and catch him a fucking little you know a little homeless person or something or catch them a little fucking vagrant so it's a different it's a unique place but a lot of wonderful people and and thank you guys for coming

out but what I guess what I'm trying to think about a little bit I just want to think about this for a few more minutes then we'll get into some calls and because I'm just trying to think like when I was young just because I guess I you know it's just a little scary this past week was a little you know you just get more popular and it's exciting you know it's or that's what it felt like to me and some of this could be just my feelings it could be misinterpretation of things but it was you know it and it's exciting I'm grateful that people come out because I love to perform stand-up comedy and I hope that you know I always

have stories and funny things to make people laugh it's fun when you're in a big room and everybody's laughing you know it makes me I think it's probably what I always wanted you know it's probably the thing that made me the most happy when I was young and in middle school over there CJ Shane middle and over there at William pitcher Jr. hired off Jefferson Avenue they that was the funnest thing making people laugh sitting at the lunch table drinking milk out of a bag that's back when they had and they used to have the big bag and you could all put a straw in it but and then they would get you a little bag get it

to have your own little bag but but it was fun and and when kids you can make a kid laugh and milk will shoot out of his nose out of his orifices bro and that shit it's now it's like perverted now it's something like somebody's rich men are doing out here in the Hollywood Hills and shit and doing it on the DL but when I was young it was just something we would do for fun make each other laugh so hard that milk would you know just find its way out of our bodies really fast and uh what else man I'm talking about but I guess I'm just thinking about what you know I just I love the experience that I've been having getting

them entertain people and I just don't want you when you come to my shows I don't want you to think just don't you could think whatever you want you know I guess it's just it I'm not telling anybody what to do I just I'm grateful for people coming out that's what I'm trying to say and and it's been exciting and and being get it you know being just when that man wreck recognized me or no you know acknowledged me it it just surprised me and then I was like okay this is starting to feel a little bit different you know this is a you know this is a I just never thought this person would know who I am and and not

that it matters it doesn't mean anything but it just you know it just I don't know it just made me think about like what's the value maybe in in popularity you know what's the value in it does it because I guess what I'm starting to say is that it for me it I feel like it hasn't it doesn't make me feel any different you know I still and I don't want it to that's what I'm saying you know the ego just seems so dangerous and it just seems dangerous and it seems so self-serving and it's like you know you just see so much greed out there you know even you open the newspaper you see greed you know you see these you know to

me it seems like news networks are demanding what the government should do and and it's just because of money people are just being greedy and you know you just see people say you know I just want to be aware of what my carrots are I guess you know I just want to be aware of what my carrots are what is driving me over here what is making me and I just want them to come out of a good garden you know and and and that's that's I guess what I'm thinking about sorry to go in that long tangent but I just want to know what my I want to be conscious of what my carrots are because a lot of times in our life we can be or a lot of

times in my life I've been led towards carrots that I didn't even know what they were made out of or who put them there what was going on you know in it and and those parents carrots can be anything they can be money they could be fame they could be you know it could be power and I just we just need to be or I need to be conscious of what the carrots are in my in my world and that I don't get you know she just had this that I don't be chasing a dirty carrots you know I don't want no dirty carrots dude I don't want no baby carrots you feel me I ain't trying to do anything like that like some of these rich people in the

Hollywood Hills they'll be ordering you know baby carrots you're like damn how many are you gonna have today buddy seem like you've had a few too many if you're not a real baby but I just want to be conscious of my carrots man but I felt like I was in a beautiful garden this weekend and over there it was a cool man you know I didn't know the world was I mean I know the world is diverse but damn bro San Jose's got a lock on it dude they had 700 different tents of skin over there they had people with mustaches one dude had a mustache above each eye I was like I like your eyebrows he's like those are mustaches papa like damn

okay boy I like them fucking little I like this little eye toppers you got daddy this little fucking there's little sight burns I like this little sight burns and yeah I said that joke twice because I wanted you to get it thank you guys for being here and welcome to this past weekend I'm going to Phoenix this weekend and and you know I appreciate you guys let me ramble on this podcast and and just talk about my feelings because sometimes I don't know what they are and sometimes I don't know what's going on with me and and I was listening to an old episode the other day because I just want to know I don't know I just want to

kind of hear you know take a look at moments from the past and see moments now and see just so I can be aware you know I want to be aware of what's going on I don't want to aimlessly just live in this world and I don't want to you know I just want to do my best and I know I am I'm not trying to put extra pressure on myself but I am trying to be aware of my carrots you know that's what I'm trying to do right now for me what else I got to tell you this at this episode is brought to you by gray block pizza gray block pizza in Los Angeles and we have a lot of listeners that stopped by there and send me jpegs and images and stuff

like that and that's beautiful and gray block pizza is a great place to get pizza and it's called gray block in Los Angeles also once you know this episode is brought to you by hair club and when I was young that my mom had the club remember the club dude the club the club was this thing you put on a car and you put the you lie you had to like click it a couple certain ways and it's lock it and uh dude my mom was so crazy about things getting stolen all the time she didn't want and the car was a piece of shit man you know mom had this Ford Festiva for a little while and she had a Volkswagen Rabbit and it was our

car man it was real real small like the interior of the car was probably you know probably uh maybe five about four maybe 20 square feet inside so five feet by four feet and it sat five people boy so it was it was like being stuck in a really small elevator but you guys were going somewhere forward you know and there was a window on the front and mom could the good thing about a small car mom could beat everybody's ass from that driver's seat you know because mom had four children I was one of the children and you know she went from oldest to youngest you know and it was almost like playing the cymbals when mom would

start whooping everybody's ass in the car because different children have different densities in them and that's called body density and so she hit my brother and he'd be like bam and then me you'd be like bang and then my sister like thing because it was younger and then the little baby she'd be like bang bang bang bang the baby was being bad right there my brother wouldn't shut up and they hit him and then I'd start popping off she'd be like and my sister was pretty good and so sometimes she would just tap her but it was a you know that's a mom would just start who and she start just hitting the fucking

drums dude like Larry Kravitz you know like damn deaf leopard guy died just like that fucking you know she would go hard but anyway what was I even talking about I don't know what I'm talking about today oh but she had the club on that car mom dude they had wiring hanging out of that thing one side of the car you could see the one there was a little bit of floorboard missing somebody's stolen a piece of the floorboard welder had cut it out and put it in their car used it for something they needed it for that was more important than what we needed it for so you had to in the front you had to be careful you had to put

your feet off to the sides a little because part of that floorboard somebody had to borrow it but what I'm talking about is hair club and your confidence is important sometimes one change can make all the difference hair club knows this and they're inviting you to become part of the hair club family to see how getting the most out of your hair can change your life hair club understands the emotions you're feeling and know the questions you have it's the leader in total hair solutions with a legacy of success for over 40 years whether you're looking to revitalize the growth of your own hair or to learn more about the

latest proven methods for hair replacement or restoration hair clubs professionally trained stylists experts and consultants will craft a solution to ensure you feel your best and get the most out of your hair I have you know a lot of our listeners know I had a hair transplants I had like 50 hairs taken out of the back and put in those little you know those little slithering spaces up there them little you know those Dracula points a couple years ago or a year year ago now two years ago and it was a for me it was a good experience you know and so anyway I've had some experience with you know dealing with

my hair and and just wanting to keep hair you know wanting to keep hair on my head because I used to farm and you know a man is often you know a man can sometimes you know or just if you've ever farmed you want to fucking have a little crop you want to be you know have that crop topless brun so that's what I had but you can go to hair club comm slash Theo today for a free hair analysis and a free take-home hair kit all valued at over $300 that's hair club comm slash Theo for a free hair analysis and free hair kit hair club comm slash Theo experience your hair and your life at its best only with hair

club I'm certain you'll love the club and yeah mom used to put that club on that car we would all laugh man because the car was a piece of shit do we own the car and we would always hope people would steal it you know we'd rather walk in an organized group with mom walking and then one of us walking right next to her and then three of us walking in the back right behind her we don't we'd rather walk in formation than be in that car because you knew if we was going somewhere long enough over probably a mile and a half mom was about to play the damn drums boy everybody's gonna get their ass beat and I don't knock my

mother for that you know when a when a mother is a single mother they have to be a father to they have to be a disciplinarian and that's another thing I was thinking about this weekend you know it's interesting a lot of my generation our mother had to also be a disciplinarian and I just wonder the effects of when you have to when you I don't know if a young man is supposed to or young one I can't speak for a young woman I don't know I can't speak for anybody I don't know if I I don't know how I don't know how I don't know if a mother is supposed to have to be that you know somewhat yes but I don't know and

maybe that's just been historically maybe in the future that will change as our DNA gets different ideas stuck into it and moving forward but but I don't know how a young man takes that if the mother also has to be the disciplinarian because then sometimes you might not go to your disciplinarian to get the love you need and so then if you all if you see your mother as a disciplinarian then when you need a hug maybe you know you don't get that you don't go get the hug because you don't want to go hug somebody that it was also having to be a disciplinarian to you out of some type of a spite maybe you know like say a dude

rocked you out at the schoolyard a little you know popped you off say somebody fucking hit you with a broomstick you know or fucking you know put a couple pieces of ice in your mouth and then just made you know just punched you in the face until you was just serving just shaved ice right out of your own face bro welcome to Oahu but later in the day you're gonna go hug that guy when you need some emotional support when you need a tender moment are you gonna do that you know so I think that's some of the things when I'm just starting to think I've been thinking about like what happens when you

know when children have to be raised by single parents and how they interact with one another and you know I don't have the knowledge about it so I'm not able to sometimes come from a place of knowledge and so if you think that I know what I'm talking about then don't think that because that's not what I'm trying to say I'm just trying to talk about whatever you know some of my experience but anyway I also want to let you know that this past weekend is brought to you by Skillshare Skillshare is an online learning community for creators with more than 25,000 classes in design business and more you'll

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access go to skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn to start your two months now that's skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn might be a nice gift if you have you know some a child or a sibling that's that's always on their device get that get them that educational hitter because if they're already on there if they're on a tablet or something they might not mind learning while they are but they might you know but yeah I guess I just you know a lot of interest and not not introspection I'm just a lot of thinking this week you know because you know it just I just this is the first weekend where I started to notice like man like

people are it just felt like more popularity and so I just wanted to and you know and it's great look I love meeting people I love meeting like-minded people I feel like a lot of the people that come to the you know to the comedy shows like we're kind of like-minded you know even when we're talking during in line and I tried to meet everybody I could some of the early shows I couldn't but the late shows I try to meet every single person and you know even just sometimes a short conversations or just the look in our eyes to each other and that you know it felt like we were like-minded and so I'm just happy to be

able to meet people that it would seem like I would meet anyway you know we just meet up at a comedy show I just don't want to talk about man my mind's a little all over the place oh I got a lot of people that reached out you know I was all stopped into this pet the fighter and the kid the other day and had a you know and I had a nice chat and they were Brian Callins and he is if you're not familiar with him he was I don't think he was in the Old Testament but he was in the New Testament and he was a Jedi or something I don't know what he was but he he's seen many many moons you know Native Americans know him

there's drawing of hymns on there's drawings of him on hymns probably the those you know those wiener peeled boy does giraffe makers there's drawings of him on on cave walls and these aren't rumors these are real things if you put your ear up to a seashell that you find on a mountain you can hear it ask for Brian Callan you know there's a lot of crazy things like um apparently one time a huge wave came and and at the same time a rainbow was shooting through the sky and the wave was like a hundred feet high and at the same moment an eagle flew right in and there was like a triumphant of water and and and rainbow

and an eagality and that they say is when Brian Callan became so he's a very fascinating man but I stopped in there and now we had to like kind of a we had kind of a you know an emotional not emotional coming up we had a kind of a red you know a real conversation I was just thinking about stuff and they were super helpful and you know and Brendan you know because I get you know I don't get I guess I get caught in my feelings a little bit but I like it you know sometimes I like to know what's going on with my feelings because when I was young I didn't have a lot of feelings the only feelings I had a lot of times

were you know anger or you know inferiority you know self doubt self loathing and so for me in the past three years of my life I've been able to have different feelings you know and and some of that you know it takes some navigation and it and but anyway I had a lot of people send really nice messages and just supportive type of stuff and I just want to say thank you for that you know I'm not trying to be this emo guy that's out here fucking whining and shitting like that and fucking you know throwing you know throwing fucking you know dirty handkerchiefs down a wishing well or

something but but whatever man that you know I like to think about what I'm feeling or feel about what I'm thinking and and that's how there's nothing I can do about it you know that's who I am and sometimes it's it's fun and sometimes it's it's it's not as much fun you know and sometimes you know but I'm grateful that I have people like those guys I stopped in and there was a nice thing that Brendan said you know he said hey man the other day I felt like you weren't feeling that good and he goes and I felt bad because I didn't know how I didn't know what to say to make you feel better and and you know I thought that

was one of the most touching things that I'd really heard you know Brendan and I joke around a lot you know we we do the podcast called King and the Sting and we joke around a lot and but I thought that was a very you know a night it was just a it was a very nice thing for him to say you know he said he grew up and his mom was you know his mom suffered from some addiction issues and and he never knew how to talk to her to make her feel better you know and and he just that it just him saying that made me just you know I start even then I just you know you just know right then that you have friends and people around you to talk

to and that have your back and that's what it is that's you know that's all you can ask when you're having times where you're going through some tough momentism is someone to be there to listen to you and and just try and help you make you feel okay and I got a lot of that from you know from the listeners and also from just stopping in there and Brian is so smart man isn't he and he's so brave about you know just this is who I am you know he says and this is and I'm gonna have times like this and I'm gonna have times like that but this is who I am and this is the path that I'm on and man he is such a great energy and

I hear from everybody that that that comes out and that has seen a lot of comedians and they they often comment on how much fun his show is he has both of those guys have unique gifts inside of them to make other people feel happy do you notice that I think that's why people love the fighter and the kid and I'm grateful to them you know except for when they're loud and through this fucking wall dude and I swear to God boy if I if this batch of headlights comes in that I ordered off the internet boy and I'm talking big headlights dude I ordered a fucking half a jar from Zaire and when those get from wherever they

are to Zaire I'm gonna sneak them into their studio boy it's gonna be the fighter and the Knicks Knicks was an old thing they used to have to get rid of headlights anyway man this episode is longer than I thought I thought it was gonna be sure but it's okay I thought something was gonna be something isn't that funny I had a plan we can't have a man we can try but you know apparently life had a bigger carrot out in front of me today which was to be here Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks ETFs options and cryptos all commission free while other brokerages charge up to

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invest in the market as you build your portfolio discover new stocks track your favorite companies and get custom notifications for price movements so you never miss the right moment to invest Robin Hood is giving listeners of this past weekend a free stock like Apple Ford or Sprint to help you build your portfolio sign up at weekend Robin Hood calm that's weekend Robin Hood calm and these days I think you know I've had experience over the years with investing and I find it instead of using a broker and doing that sort of thing I find it pretty manageable to do by oneself but if it's not for you there may be tools

here on Robin Hood or you may want to go the old-fashioned route and get a broker but but this is an option and this apparently from everyone that I'm hearing is is the way to keep most your money yourself and not have to pay fees I'm gonna let you guys know that I'm gonna be in Phoenix Arizona this weekend and then I'll be in Kansas City Missouri the weekend after April 26 and 27 the Palm Beach May 3rd and 4th at Carolines in New York City and I think we added a Sunday show this weekend I'm not sure about some others did eight shows this past weekend in San Jose and it was a lot and so I think some of that is why

I'm feeling a little kind of you know it's just all over the place it was a lot it was just it was just a lot you know and and then by the end of the last show I just was kind of I could barely even talk anyone my face was just tired from talking on stage and from talking just communicating and it was just after the shows and it was just a lot man but thank you so much for coming out I thought that the theater right there they have is beautiful and that some people don't know the San Jose that theater there Harry Houdini performed in it and Harry Houdini that's the magician and he performed there let's

get into a little news really quick United Airlines now offers non-binary gender options for travelers booking flights so you can say you're male you can say you're female you can say undisclosed or even X unspecified and we'll also have the option to choose the title MX now I'll say this that's dope you can be basically you could be you could be Clark damn Kent that should be an option you know I want to be Clark Kent I want to be a butterfly you know I want to be nickel back you should be able to choose any option you want on there why stop it undisclosed

unspecified Brian don't be undisclosed disclose your bolt you know get on there say you might have you know you might you you're about 40% male 60% female you know just at least you know let me know the odds of who's maybe next to me a little not cuz I need not because but just let me know you know I'm saying tell me if you might be you know 30% carnival worker so in case you break out fucking you know in case you set a couple of little you know goldfish bowls on the thing and start shooting up ping-pong balls out of your face trying to win a big fucking Chester cheetah that's fake it's not it's never Chester

you see the thing at the fair it's always like Chauncey cheetah and it's like it looks like Chester cheetah from the chip bag but he got that fucking cigarette or he's hiding a little gram back there by his tail but you ever seen Chauncey cheetah boy Chauncey cheetah you fucking around dude he's got those deadbeat dad papers in his pocket boy and that's who you went at that carnival you get that you know you get that goldfish when you get that hitter but at least let me know if I'm sitting next to you know 40% man 17% woman and then 30 per 30 33% carnival worker so we can know what's going on but yeah I'm

choosing MX boy unspecified unspecified Dr. Dre should be an option bitch I'm fucking 20% Dr. Dre today you know I'm 30% 50 cent you can find me in the fucking club baby so anyway if you want to be whoever you want to be in the skies fly United dude also they should put in there with the Lord so I could put I'm a hundred percent with the Lord in that sucker just in case that plane gets a little you know flashy crashy off some lightning then and then and then God's looking through the freaking the cedar decks to see who's sitting where he's gonna be like that's my little on hell right there that's me at a mono day

sub Domingo that's me on hell right there that boys a hundred percent with a lot so I go straight from the plane to the heaven you feel me and that's a pretty bad rhyme and I'm sorry about that what else a beautiful video of a soldier returning home and surprising his son at Taekwondo practice went viral it was a touching the hearts of many I haven't seen this but I heard about it Staff Sergeant Rob Cestorino had been gone for ten months serving overseas for the Tennessee National Guard and surprised his nine-year-old son Luca by coming home early the family was first row for the UFC fight in Nashville on

Saturday wow that's awesome it gives me chills you know it gives me chills because say what you know people there's all types of people serve in US military all types people that want to make a better opportunity for their family people that sometimes don't have a choice they you know they almost have to go there they're going to jail so you got them VIX boy them see VIX you know convicts people that love and want to support and fight for our country or defend our country people that believe that they people who are willing to put their existence in front of their freedom and that's always fascinating to me and I

love these videos you know because I think it's it just it shows a lot you know it shows a lot of the human condition you know it shows like longing it shows commitment the father has committed you know committed to his time there's a sense of honor because that you know the parent that's returning usually has on a military you know garment for their country and we can all a lot of us can relate to being a nine-year-old hopefully I mean hopefully there's no eight-year-olds listening to this show but that's always a touching moment you see that and yet that's fun I haven't seen this one but I'm looking

forward to it what else we got what else oh Robert Miller suspends special counsels Russia probe report to Attorney General I never thought that rush had anything to do with anything to be honest with you I just never got that vibe do I think that everybody's using dirty shit on Facebook yes do I feel like if I start thinking about a pair of shoes next thing you know I turn my head and I'll see nine smoking hot women who don't even live in my town and who have never even existed before suddenly walking by wearing the exact same shoes that I want and maybe even like a little cat like a cat and he gets on four

little bitty same shoes exactly as I want and all of them have like a little microchip that's owned by Facebook built another back do I think that kind of shit happens to me a lot I notice that I feel like so I think everybody's after our brain stems I think everybody is trying to convince us to do everything but I just it just I don't know I don't know what I think about this kind of stuff I just think that it's amazing I think it's unfortunate that the FBI had was on this track for two years you know but I guess it's a serious issue if somebody if there really is you know severe tampering

with election then that's necessary but I just don't see how you would do it people have to go vote people human being have to walk over there with the voter with the piece with the piece with the so you know I can't even but just the the energy everyone had to spend dealing with this fucking shit think about the FBI how many how many how many people have come into the country who have ill will how many children may have gone missing how many different things may have happened because they were on this goose chase for two years I don't know and also I don't know a ton about stuff you know a lot a ton of like

political stuff but for me I never felt like there was a collusion it always seemed like a bunch of bullshit to me because there was so much advertising around it by the news it was just such a constant thing but I never it never seemed like there was enough grit to it you know I just feel like we could spend our time doing a lot more important things but I don't let politicians run my life you know I run my life you know I don't need you know none of those decisions any of those put in any political parties ever made have affected what I do you know if I work hard I believe if you work hard and you

try hard it in this country that you can get you can you can get your carrots man you can get your carrots you can reach them you know when they hear that from a lot of like speaking of Uber drivers and kind of almost going full circle here you hear that from a lot of Uber drivers and here in Los Angeles you get a lot of guys from other countries that come in and you know first-generation just got here you know will drive Uber and you hear a lot of them that this is the opportunity they're here for the opportunity and and I believe it you know I feel like once you start expecting the government to

can run your life or like man if you lean on the government dude it's okay I'm not saying you're there's anything wrong with you and I shouldn't really be saying that but I think you'll have bet for me I believe you'll have better luck leaning on yourself I think you had there's a lot much less red tape and I believe that you can do it if you're having trouble doing it what else man let's uh shit hey Arlene sorry guys I had a call I was supposed to be on a call right there and and so I had to take that I want to tell you though that let's take a couple

calls speaking of calls man man I felt like I was right in the middle of thinking about something that's life okay Paula and that is Brazil huh I think Paula maybe I have no idea um thank you for calling low P let's hear more okay little mommy you know okay okay little mommy got a couple of them oh spring how you running them spring around them off spree easy let's go um just calling cuz I just saw your show at the San Jose improv and just wanted to give you props I really appreciate you I really appreciate your dark art tour and I have a serious question for you cuz I've been working out but my booty still

don't look as good as yours and I just wanted to know what type of exercises you do to get that booty popping I really need to know that booty popping well I don't even know what what it is um I don't have nothing you know I came out you know what I'm saying why I grew up in a you know kind of like a that stray animal belt and so when you got that you know okay a lot of over the generations you never know maybe a man or slip in there a woman you know maybe somebody a little steed or something you know a Shetland pony a little bit of DNA will stray up into your string so you don't even know so now you wake up in the

morning and you just a little bit you're like where did that come from you're like what are with these what kind of what is in my DNA you know I came in by that stray animal belt you might have a little femur you might not not feel you might have a little bit of ferret in you you know matter of that that furry bone that that femur it and you might have that in you so you know that's what I'm saying I got that that junk in the trunk that Jay in the tray I might be quarter Shetland pony back there in the back you know what I'm saying you might see from behind if you're looking at me from behind you

might think you had on a parade route because I got them hips I'm that hip a got a must you feel me because I got them hip hip hippos you know and I y'all everybody knows that I got the booty of a down sent you know I got you know I got that DS booty and I got the I got the booty of a young black girl who made the dance team but I'm glad you came out to the shows Paula and child and that means I think please in thank you or goodbye in a Portuguese let's take another call here here we go a DO going on man five real postman giving you a call from out here in the rainy rainy skies of California right now just one

of the I don't know man I just I heard you on the fighter and the kid and it made me realize that everybody goes you know go through these these type of things where you know you're you're feeling all full of life and happy to be around friends and family and then I don't know where some just creeps up inside you and it brings you down you know three to four days weeks months to where you know I don't I don't even want to be around friends I don't want to be around family and then that I'm constantly being myself down from from you know passing the stakes and shit that I messed up on and regret and it was

just crazy to hear you and Brian discussing that it made me realize it you know sometimes you just got to talk to somebody which I don't like to do I just I'd rather be quiet and be left alone I feel you man I feel you there and that I appreciate your call and thanks for calling and and sharing that you know I know it's sometimes not hard to it's hard to do that and it's hard to do it when you're leaving a voice message and but I appreciate you I don't want you thinking that that that went unnoticed or unheard and you mentioned a couple of things we don't want to talk to others we don't want to do things we don't want

to go out and that that is that's depression that's that it's tricks that's it's tricks it teach you to stay by yourself stay over here do this stay inside and it's there's scientific evidence that depression it grows on itself so the less you the less you reach out the less you have little things over here you know make your buddy a carrot oh I gotta talk to freakin a lot you know Lawrence today make him a carrot I gotta you know I gotta get a little nibble off of Donna you know I make Donna a carrot you got to reach out and that that's how you break it you know I'm not telling you what to do but

I am sharing from my experience and I got to get my feet moving I find once I'm in my head if my brain is really moving then it's fucking tricking me because my feet are supposed to be moving because most my feet move my brain will follow it they have no choice but if my brain starts moving it will make my feet stay where they are because my brain will think it's taking me places man my brain ain't taking me anywhere my brain taking me down there behind the alley you know and it's gonna fucking hit me with a broomstick or something or make me think I'm not good enough or do this or do that or do

something you know make me think about your canal for something watching internet and watching you know booties and all of that dirty sex on there and we're better than that man that's why we got to put our carrots you got to put you plant your carrots out there when you're feeling bad no matter what I'm gonna call this person and check on them it's a reverse site bro that depression is a reverse psychology I find if I call you know Todd and I call a little eldrick you know and I call big gisha right next thing you know I'm hey how are you doing what's going on with you and I and I hear what's up

with them now I've done something I've helped somebody else a little I've been an ear for them and now that the better parts of me feel a little bit of empowerment and then I get my feet moving I go to the gym I go for a wall I go do something I don't let my brain walk I try not to anyway but yes like you said we all do it and we all go through it and and those are things that work for me contrary action my brain tells me to stay in bed I get out of bed you know I don't want to go to the gym or do you do yoga I fucking go isn't that that because that's the hardest thing oh I don't want to do your brains like man

I don't want to do this shit and then you fucking do it showing my brain whose boss and showing my emotions who is boss because we have to sometimes man we have to we owe it to ourselves you know but thank you for your call man and keep your head up you know and keep your feet moving and just take the next right action do the next right thing you need to make yourself feel okay sometimes it's go get a bowl of cereals sometimes it's take a walk sometimes it's call someone else but sometimes you feel I feel like sometimes I feel like doing something and then I just won't do it even though I know it's good for me even

if it's the littlest thing do the dishwasher clean the sink turn on some music little things like that I don't want to do it something inside of me is like don't do it but I could then when I do those things I get a little better because then I'm taking control and I'm not letting that black ship just say all around my waters but thank you for calling man and yeah you you're not alone there's a lot of us out there together you and me all right let's take one more call man and see what's going on onward this is John calling to you from Covington Louisiana man gang gang big Johnny boy out of that 985 son and

that's my hometown st. Tammany parish down there along the Chifuncta River in Covington Louisiana where pistol Pete Marovich had raised his children and had a basketball gym built into his attic and where Lee Harvey Oswald that LHO that third-story depository bad boy who's gunning and reading fucking grapes a wrath at the same time if he did it where both of them have been from where the tallest statue of Ronald Reagan in America is Covington Louisiana onward brother and I just got off work at working cracker barrel cracker barrel dude and that is where white people go to eat collard greens onward brother in Covington

out cooked and since I love food I got a food question for you my thing is I grew up a crawfish boils I grew up going on crawfish bowl every year every year three times a year sometimes and the way oh yeah crawfish are beautiful man fucking you know that's dirt that's dirt that's dirt salmon crawfish brah that's the mahi-mahi of soil onward I want to ask you what's the weirdest thing you ever ate at a crawfish bowl that they cooked in with the crawfish for me it was pineapple and I know it sounds weird the pineapple in a crawfish bowl you cook it in with it it tastes amazing dude try it out sometime thank you so

much motherfucker love you comedy big fan game brother thank you for calling from my hometown man that's awesome man that's so crazy to think that somebody from my hometown listened to this podcast and I'm from my hometown and I've just been living my life in this these are this circle and then now he's connected and we're tied up here I'll tell you this first of all pineapple is good on anything I don't care where you find pineapple I don't care if you fucking you doing drywall and all you know a couple of things a sheet rock fall down and they got a fucking couple of damp chunks back there from the

1800s bitch eat the pineapple I don't care if you find a couple of fucking warm grams of pineapple the gram of his apron with flint on it lint I mean eat the pineapple man that's fuzzy pineapple brother that's a delicacy in you know in France eat the pineapple but some of the best things I've had at a crawfish bowl which I'm gonna have because I'm gonna be going home for Easter and my brother has a beautiful crawfish boil over there off Kenmore Avenue in Baton Roach and they have yams they put sweet potatoes in there yeah damn they get that ain't that good but you put sweet potatoes in there I've seen mushrooms I've seen

psychedelic mushrooms at a crawfish boil and first they boil the crawfish and you eating off of them fucking boomers dog couple them fucking brain sprouters next thing you know you boiling you boiling boy and you don't know what's going on and you fucking hugging people you don't even know bruh and you sweating out of your tongue dude and you fucking think mother nature has your best interests at heart bruh and that's when you're on psychedelic mushrooms but I like yams in there I like oranges or grapefruit halves you put those in there cut them in half or slices I like um what else do

I like in a crawfish boil I love yams and sweet potatoes they just did it last year by my brothers and I really really enjoyed it corn is popular what else you could put in I like those sausages pieces of chicken you know I like a sausage in there I like a good hit of sausage venison good shit don't give me that fucking fatty fatty fatty sausage bruh that shit that looked like it you know you know like if that sausage that came off of my 700 pound afternoon or whatever the show is give me the good stuff that hit her but that's it for me man there's some other calls that came in I'll get to some of them

next week I gotta go I gotta go honestly rest and I gotta go to a meeting tonight and I'm sorry to yawn but one other thing I will say that's good in a crawfish boys carrots I like carrots in there and that's full circle again you know just thinking about my carrots like what carrots am I gonna put in front of me that are gonna make me feel good not on the outside because things on the outside they only feel you can only feel things on the outside with your hands you know and I want to feel things with the rest of me not my nothing not my like my crotch or nothing but my my heart I want to feel things with my

feelings you know and so I want to put carrots out there that make me you know that challenges me in different ways and we do that that's one of the things we talk about and we think about here on this podcast and I want to thank everybody that came out in San Jose I want to make sure that I did all my responsibilities I want to thank our advertisers Robin Hood hair club skill shares and and I just want to thank everyone I want to thank you for listening to being a part of this I'm happy to be in your ears and I'm and I have you in my heart man and we do this shit you know we're gonna do a lot of cool things over the years I

got nice fun plans you know I have a I have a vision that one day I'd like to be able to open up like a halfway house or an a place where people could get some help in like half the cities where I perform so then I could imagine I could go perform in a city and then have go to a meeting afterwards or go to a meeting before you know and just I don't know if that's true but that can be a carrot for me you know that can be a carrot for me but thank you guys man thank you for everything be good to yourselves you know you probably deserve it and and let's get out of here like we came in here man learning as we go I

want to thank also my buddy Harrison Phillips and that's he's part of that bills mafia and he took us on a tour of Stanford University their football facility and stuff this past weekend and it was awesome you know Stanford only has 7,000 undergraduate and 7,000 post-grad who are on campus at a time about 14 15,000 students in that that's crazy and to think they're able to you know compete as well athletically as they do and fuck USC that's something me and him both had in common was we both thought fuck USC bro and I hate to finish it up on that f-word but we did it man you guys be good to yourselves man

I'll see you next week and and you deserve it you deserve it and I deserve it and you reminded me this week a lot of you guys free just through messages so many messages came in there's a lot of them I can't get back to you and so many I just and I don't say that in a pompous way I just can't I feel bad I can't reply to all of them but I'll do what I can and you do what you can be good