This Past Weekend - Nutvember | This Past Weekend #145

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

Back from Buffalo, NY.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Dude, I'm sitting here trying to have plans for the episode. Plans. You think about that, you're showing up. You know, I can't show up at life with plans.

That is just trouble waiting to happen. You bringing plans to a life fight? Dude, life makes the plans. You show up with too much plans, you're going to be disappointed every time. You know, I got to stay in that flow. I got to stay on that flow, Cain, baby. You feel me? Just, you know, just let the Lord snort me

as he shall. I'm just sitting on your front porch Wondering how could I be so far from my home And my mind is somewhere else But when I find it I'll patch up where it's been blown Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be Caught in a storm Come on, get with me, come on

But when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of my life I can feel it in my bones We can get the words wrong. It's okay. Tell you my story Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you

Wow, wow, man. You know what? I'm grateful they let me use that song. Wow. Wow. Man, you know what? I'm grateful they let me use that song. I'm taking the headphones off on this one for now. That is Bishop Gunn. And that is their hit single, Shine. And man, shine your light on me. And that's what I need sometimes, just that warm.

Man, that light feels warm, doesn't it? You got to stay in the warmth. You got to stay in the light. You got to be a little light, you know, a little light of pillar. And you got to go crawling in the bright parts of the world. You got to be a little light of pillar. And you got to go crawling into the bright parts of the world. And look, man, that shine will hit you.

It's going to, you know, it's going to literally brush off on us if we crawl in the light parts of the world. Oh, man. Good to be here with you guys today. Thank you guys for joining me. It is November 5 in the year 2018. Can you do 2018? We are living in the future. This is somebody's future.

You realize that? This is somebody's future. You realize that? This is somebody's straight up just, you know, their brain outer space. They couldn't fathom 2018. And here we are. Here we are living in it. And, you know, kind of enjoying it and also complaining about a lot of shit.

This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza. It's at 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles. Gray Block. Get that heater, baby. And they got different types of pies in here. And they got some really choice pies. They got the Grecian.

The Grecian. Grecian. They got the deep cheese. The Frenchie. The Venice. And Venice have spinach, sun-dried tomato, with fiesta and mozzarella cheese on a tomato sauce, boy. And so you know they trying to really if they giving you the tomato and the and the tomato sauce man you know because you got a purve a little to squeeze that tomato out and leave a little bit of his own you know squirt out on you on your delectables there so that's

beautiful by them and that's gray block pizza in Los Angeles. And that's our charter sponsor. Been with us since not day one, but probably day 200. And it is, you know, it's a, you know, Buffalo's that resilient city. You know, and they want to, you know, sometimes like people want to talk about these cities. They fell apart and they don't have anything left. These Midwestern cities. And Buffalo says, you know what? Enough of low, bro. We're coming back.

We got, we got, we got virility, bro. We still got a little bit of, you know, We still got a little bit of nut in our nuts bag. We still got a little bit of that newt, that ba-bam. And that's Buffalo. You see people walking around. You see a guy walking around there. He got a chainsaw with him. And he ready to work. You know, sometime you used to see maybe a dude, he might have a crate, you know, a little bit of a crack pipe or like a, you know, a little empty bassinet. And he looking for his son or he looking for somebody's child, a small child to put in the bassinet. But now you see a man walking around, he got a chainsaw, or he got an idea for a new app, a new mobile app.

And that's Buffalo, man, a resilient city. They got a lot of call centers out there. They got a lot of, you know, they got, you know, they're really bouncing back in a lot of call centers out there. They got a lot of, you know, they got, you know, they're really bouncing back in a lot of ways. And they, but also, you know, they have, you know, it's for a lot of kids like to play, you know, hockey. It's a hockey place. So it's become a real mecca for these like specific hockey hotels and these junior leagues for hockey. hotels and these on junior leagues for hockey if you didn't know that about buffalo and they will you can get hockeyish up there and hockey's a sport you know hockey's for people that are afraid to you know it's for people that are that want to fist fight but also it's like boxing but people that are kind of want to be kind of at least a little bit nice about it. You know, like let's, you know, I don't want to punch you in the face, but I will fucking

hit you with this stick. And that's hockey. And it's, you know, it's very respectable. Hockey, they do it outdoors on frozen water. A lot of sports, they come inside where it's nice and warm and stuff like that. Hockey, they do it outdoors on frozen water. A lot of sports, they come inside where it's nice and warm and stuff like that. Hockey doesn't do that. Hockey doesn't want to break the furniture or nothing like that. Hockey will be outdoors and say, hey, we're not going to fuck up the coffee table. We'll beat each other outdoors on this frozen water.

And it's really risky. It's almost a little bit sensual. If you like real ice-cold sensuality, then that could be hockey for you. But I had a nice time in Buffalo, man. Good people. Good people came out to the show we had you know uh this dude this dude little Edward came out and he had something's wrong with him you know he very distant bro

and he reminded me of this kid when I was growing up actually they had a boy in my town uh and it was this little black guy honestly man and he was small you know he was probably anywhere from three to five and a half feet and uh and i think i don't even know what his name was but you couldn't really get his name out of him you know you kind of had but you had you couldn't get because here's why you couldn't get his attention. And he seemed really distant. And you had to tap him on the shoulder four or five times. You know, and we called him little distant daddy. And he seemed, you know, he just, you almost had to wake him up like he was sleeping inside of himself.

You know, it would have been really good if the Lord would have put like a little doorbell on his shoulder. And you could, you know, press it and then he'd go get himself and bring himself to the forefront of his own existence because that's how it was trying to get him, you know, a little distant daddy couldn't get his attention and you could do fireworks in front of his face or do a, um, and we wouldn't do that. I'm just saying you could do that as a, you know, you could put a couple of, you know, I'm just saying you could do that as a, you know, you could put a couple of, you know, you could put a fox in heat right out in front of him. And if a fox is in heat, I don't know if you've ever seen a fox in heat, but a lot of animals try to come fuck a fox, bro. Because in the animal kingdom, a fox, you know, a fox is like the Pamela Anderson of animals.

You know, every animal try to come fuck a fox. They got, you know, birds will fly down. You know, you'll see a damn nightingale come down with an erection, bro. Trying to just park that thing into the back of a fox. Because everything wants to fuck a fox. People don't know that. And these are things that they don't teach us. And that sometime, you know, long ago they used to teach children appropriate shit they could use in the world. And now what are they teaching them, huh?

How to just be egomaniacs, how to think they know it all. We need to teach children good stuff. And some of the things they used to teach us was a fox in heat. That's everybody's treat. Dude, they'd have animals. You see a zebra, bro. You see a zebra fucking, you know. He'll paint a horse or paint a donkey to do his job for the day and he'll slip out of his own cage and try to go fuck a fox that's in heat. And that's just the beauty of a fox. A fox is that beautiful of an animal.

And I've eaten fox, man. I was talking to Jamie. I was talking to Jamie Kennedy today in the airport. I saw him, dude. I love seeing Jamie Kennedy, man. He makes me laugh. He makes me, you know, he, I can tell that he likes me and he appreciates me and he respects me. And so it makes me feel, you know, he makes me feel like cared about. And, you know, so I like talking to him. And I like, I just trust being around him. Some people, you know, I spent a lot of my life over the years when I think about it, especially being young. In conversations with people that I didn't really even trust, really.

Just because I wanted their approval, you know. And man, I wish I wouldn't have done that. You know, I think I did it because I didn't, you know, I felt inferior. Or I felt, you know, I needed somebody's approval or something to feel okay, you know. And I would just listen and just bullshit out of idiots. You know, or people that I was afraid of.

I listened. Just fear listening. You ever listen out of sheer fear? You're just like, I'm so fucking scared. I'm going to hear everything. I used to be that nervous kind of child. You know, like that. That little nervous bad boy like that.

Or good boy, really. You know? Just living good boy, really. You know. Just living through hell, man, but listening for heaven, you know. But I hate it. You know, I wish I would have done that. And now it's nice to be able to in my time these days as an adult to just acknowledge in my instincts, man, this person makes me feel good. man, this person makes me feel good. They might not be everybody's cup of tea or whatever,

but it doesn't matter. They make me feel good, and so I'm going to be around them and talk with them, and I'm going to reverberate that same vibe. Because I'm that fucking bloomerang, dog. If you're throwing out some beautiful blooms at me, man, you're giving me that blooming energy, that blooming onion, dude, and I ain't talking about genitalia, I'm talking about, you know, heart and pure emotion, bro, top four organs that I think out of somebody's body first before I think about genitalia, one, heart, two,

heart. Two, brain. Brain right there, second. Boy, you better get your fucking, you better get that heart first, bro. You know what I'm saying? You better get that feeling brain.

That's what I want first. That thicker ticker, man. That's a heart. Your brain is just a computer. We got too many computers in the world. So I go heart, brain. What else? Maybe liver.

Because kidneys are confusing. There's two of them. What the fuck are y'all doing, bruh? You know what I'm saying? Figure it out. You expect us to figure out who's who? Who's who? What? What? Figure your shit out. Make one kidney.

The fourth organ. Lungs. I respect the lungs because they're teamwork organs. They're team workers. Lungs need each other. They work together. You know, they're team workers lungs need each other they work together you know they're like you know they're like the Iditarod dogs of the human body you know Iditarod dogs if they're not happy if they don't have a teammate

a partner up there you don't see somebody running doing the Iditarod and the Iditarod is an Alaskan it's basically a way to get away from your wife and family for like about a month in Alaska, really. And there's people in Alaska, they don't want to be, you know, they like having windburn on their face. And dude, people, I mean, you'll have a dude, a man start out, he'll be an Inuit. And by the end, he'll be out you it, you know, his whole face will be frozen right off.

He'll look like fucking Michael Jackson of Alaska. You know, Michael Alaskson. And it's a dangerous sport. And you basically drive across the country. Let dogs pull you across the country for, I think, buried treasure or something. I don't know where the fuck they pull you. I mean, you know, dogs, dude, they don't give a fuck. They'll pull you fucking for two months until they find a newspaper or something and that's it.

And you're like, damn, this is the idea, right? I thought this was amazing. I did this whole thing. I just lost to a damn sports section. They got two, you know. And you got to show up with real dogs. You got to show up with wolves. you know, they got two, you know,

and you got to show up with real dogs. You got to show up with wolves. You basically have to approach some wolves and find the biggest kind of little poise in the group and hire that one and his buddy or his sister or whatever. Don't go out there with one dog for the Iditarod.

Nah. Nah, that ain't right. I mean, that's worse than human trafficking, dude. When you see one dude out there on a, you know, it's just some shady fucking, you know, some dark-skinned gent out there. And he's fucking got a, you know, a little, you know, a Bichon out there out in front of him. You're like, what the fuck, bro? No, that ain't a real thing thing and sometimes you'll see a brother out there just trying to find some chicks you'll see a brother out there he got you know two pit

bulls out there and he rode a prancer on the side of one of them uh and um and reindeer on the other one he rode reindeer on like dude come on but he's out there and he got these two uh he'll be out there and he's just looking basically for some snow puss bro you know his brothers go deep to find the ladies they love ladies and also you could find uh who else out there on iditarod oh you'll see some time like they're you know kind of uh you know like a homoerotic type of man out there with a little b-shon and the b-shon cold as fuck he's got on like nine suits you know he's got on like an astronaut helmet the b-shon and he's pulling this one little you know and the dude he ain't

even paying attention this guy you, little whatever his name is. Fucking Slippery Arthur or whatever this dude is. He's up there. He's on Grindr. He's just playing Grindr the whole time. He's out there just, you know, looking for some Eskimos. Looking for some of that ice cup, you know. Looking for some of that icy pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

And that's Iditarod. Anyway, I'm just telling you what the Iditarod is. It's people basically looking for buried treasure and they use dogs to do it. But if you show up to the Iditarod with only one, you know, the good dogs, the soft wolves, they won't go hard if they don't have a partner. And that's factual, dude.

That's one of the facts from a higher power. That's not me. I'm not telling you that out of my brain. That's something that's from a higher power. And so you can, and that's in the books and everything. That's in a library, basically. In the library when I was growing up, that was, it was like your dad, but it was in a building. And man, you go in there, dude, and it's, but anyway, yeah, the lungs.

The lungs have to work together. So that's the fourth organ that I respect the most. After that, straight up full body wiener, that's that fifth organ. Because the wiener, you don't really need it until you're ready. Until you're ready to procreate. Because you can just, I mean, be honest, right? We can just piss out of a little hole in our body. You know, we can just, I mean, man could have a vagina if he just took his wiener off.

And got very angry sometimes. And, you know, let Mother Nature kind of push his buttons in the background once a month. And he also gave better hugs. And if man could do all of that, and if man could do all of that then then I think that they could probably if they were able to take off their wiener they could be a

they could have a shot at being a woman but anyhow but what I don't know what I was talking about man I never know what I'm talking about and then for brief moments I I do, I guess. But I'm grateful to be here with you guys, man. And I just want to say this, man.

Support the podcast. So many people come out and support it. Continue to support it. And I'm grateful to the people that have come out. You know, and I love, I'm grateful to get to go see. I get to go see Buffalo and I see people that come out, man. Dude, they had a guy that came out. And he came out, I think, Thursday or Friday.

And man, you could tell it meant a lot to him. You know, he's standing there and he was kind of tearing up, you know. And he was like, hey man, you know, your podcast has really meant a lot to me. That's what he told me. And I could see it. You know, I could feel it in his face. I could feel it in his face, man, because our eyes are just, you know, they're just wet balls of fear. But they really want to be hugs.

And I could see in his eyes, you know, he had just these kind of fearful hugs going on at the same time. Those battlers. And I get them. You know, I get them a lot when you get those battlers, man. You know, when your eyes are just, you know, they just, you want to express emotion. You know, and this guy, he was just feeling his emotions, man, and I respected it, you know. And he's like, hey, man, I love you, you know, I really love you. And I just want to tell that guy, you know, I don't know if I got to express to him, I love you too, man, you know.

And not, you know, I'm not trying to be wild with you or nothing like that. You know, I never, you know, I've never owned a van or nothing like that or anything. You know, and I babysat overnight. Everybody knows that kind of thing about me. I'm not trying to be wild with you. You know, I'm not trying to shake your hand and then keep moving my hand up your body, up your arm and up your, you know, into the nape of your neck and down your body like that. And next thing you know, I'm introducing myself to your wiener and all of that and everything. I'm not doing that.

There's a lot of shady men that do that. Trust me, I live in Los Angeles. You have no clue how many, you know, men out here offering handshakes. And really the whole time they're just trying to to you know, know how much your balls weigh so they can be fancy back at their house and they want you to see their artwork or something. Dude, artwork? Bro, do you think I care about artwork?

Because if I go looking at it hard enough, you're going to sneak around. And try to paint a picture of your face down between my booty. And so I know what's going on here. Some boy trying to be sneaky. And you know, everybody's got their desires, but don't sneak them around on me. You know, because that kind of stuff happens to men too. It's a dark, the dark arts are alive here in Los Angeles. People thinking they can just buy your way.

Aggressively buy their way into your insecurities. It's crazy, man. They have the securities exchange. They should have the insecurities. It's crazy, man. You know, they have the securities exchange. They should have the insecurities exchange because they got a lot of sneaky men out here and that's dark arts. What was I talking about? Man, my brain is like on a nature trail.

My brain today feels like it's just running from the police and it's just going to, you know, it's going. It's ducking through the woods this way and through that way to, you know, it's going. It's ducking through the woods this way and through that way. To wherever. Oh, sorry. But this young man came out, man.

And it just, man, I appreciated it. You know, because for a second inside of him, man, he was like real vulnerable. And he was telling me how he felt. And I, you know And I needed that. I needed that to kind of bring me in a place more of vulnerability sometimes. Because that's one thing I loved about this podcast when it started. And it's going to get back there. And it is back there.

It has its moments. But there was really, I was really, to be honest, I came to this podcast in the beginning with some vulnerability. I was just talking about my life and fear and my fears. And then now it's wild because since there's more listeners, I get afraid sometimes. I think to, or my ego gets in it. I don't know sometimes if I'm connecting the same way. I don't know sometimes if I'm connecting the same way. But I think that there's always going to be a level of adaptation.

And, you know, you don't realize that you've got to turn the stove off until your house is on fire. When your house is on fire, you're like, oh, fuck, I can cut the stove off because, you know, this fire is going to heat up these, you know, these tostadas or whatever I'm making out here. These little, I like to make Pop-Tarts with peanut butter melted on them, bro. I don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody, dude. If you tell anybody, I'm going to be upset. But I like to make those, You know, I get those beautiful. Bro, that's like a damn birthday cake. When I was growing up,

some of my mom would slip up. You know, because I grew up in that household where if they had peanut butter in the house, people were hiding it. You know, people, I remember they had this board game about the game Clue, and I didn't understand it. People hiding from each other in a nice house. I'm like, why are y'all hiding, man?

Y'all should be enjoying this shit. But then my mom, she put it to me like that. She's like, well, just pretend it's like somebody in our house, you know, when we got peanut butter. And I was like, oh, man, you don't know who's got the peanut butter. Because in our house, somebody would hide the peanut butter. If you had, dude, when the peanut butter came out of mom's thing, if she didn't fucking hide it, somebody better hide that shit. Bro, when you were poor, peanut butter closest thing to a fucking steak. That's a whole, you know, that's a 40 ounce jar of filet mignons

baby that's spreadable fucking that's that spreadable uh you know whatever bro that's that spreadable that's uh that's that spreadable sirloin

that's that spreadable sirloin peanut butter and you wouldn't know who had it. So you were constantly like, you know, quizzing people, smelling people's breath because peanut butter is that, you can't, something you could hide if you're eating. You could hide the smell if you've had about 40, dude, you could have 50 gummy bears, you sick bastard. You eating bears, bro?

You don't think that Mother Nature's remembering that shit? And next time you out there hiking or gardening, you growing a couple of radishes and ba-bow, bro, a real bear gets your ass? That's candy karma, son. Look out. You know, that's just like when you have, you know, you addicted to Butterfingers and you at one of these Hollywood meetings

and fucking, you know, some soft boss out here gives you that Captain Lou Albano or something. And you're like, whoa, whoa. What was I talking about? Oh, man, I was enjoying what I was talking about too. Let me see what I was talking about. I know what I was talking about, dude, because I'm going back in time in my head. My brain is slow like that.

Dude, my brain, it's like, my brain sometimes feels like a I don't know if it feels like it's running from something or running towards something. You know what? That's actually kind of an interesting question just to ask ourselves, you know? Do we feel like we are running from something or moving away from something or towards something in our life? And if one is better than the other, you know, or if, sorry, I'm just thinking out loud here. If, or I'm not sorry I'm thinking out loud.

That's what this whole podcast is for, for me to think out loud, man. But yeah, I'm like, I'm wondering like, I'm trying to get that feeling in me, in my life. Am I running from, am I moving towards something? Or am I moving away from something? And then if I am, is one of them by, like, am I running from something? Or am I running towards something? Like, if you're running towards something, there's excitement.

If you're running from something, there's fear. So I'm just, I'm just rundering which one it is. And maybe we'll call that rundering. Sometimes I runder. Dude, that's kind of crazy. That's kind of neat that we just thought that up together. I'm rundering. Where am I going? Am I going towards something right now Where am I going? Am I going towards something right now or am I going from something?

Is something pulling me? Is something pushing me? Am I moving at my own will? Am I moving by choice? Am I moving by fear? Is there something in front of me? Something behind me? Where's my Geppetto at?

Where's the strings? What's going on here with me? And I think at the beginning, and I keep talking about this podcast, because here's the thing, I feel like the community in this podcast is a good opportunity. I noticed that. I noticed a good opportunity my whole life. And when I see groups of people coming out to these shows, man, it's people that are loving people.

I mean loving people in the world. And I know that we are building a neat community. And I don't mean that I'm building it. Because even just like on that rendering idea, some people are like, oh, it's a stupid idea. They shut the show off. That's fine. But I couldn't come up with the idea. I couldn't help come up with the idea if you

guys weren't listening there with me and being a safe place for me to think and feel. You know, it's kind of sad that in the world today, dude, people can't even have a thought or feeling without feeling they're going to lose their job. You know, or the feeling they're going to lose their voice. Dude, how many people during the election afraid to probably vote or think or ask a question because they feel that their boss would fire them? Or they'd be unwelcome in their neighborhood or their apartment building?

You know, and I'm not making it political, man, but I'm just, you know, I'm trying to think of things where, you know, people where we just feel like we can't do something. But man, I was enjoying one of the thoughts that I was having earlier. And now I can't remember what it is. Yeah, I don't know where my train of thought is just. My train of thought is just. I don't know.

It left the station or somewhere. It's lost. If you see a train in your local area on the street, then you know it could be. It could be an idea that I had the other day or today right now that just left and landed somewhere out by you. But yeah, it was just like this. You know, getting back to the guy that came out. It was just like, you know, it was just out by you. But yeah, it was just like this, you know, getting back to the guy that came out, it was just like, you know, it was just nice, man.

It's nice to see emotions. I feel like emotions are going to be something that's going to be in a museum one day. You know, and that's why sometimes I'm like, we live in this time, are we scared to even have emotions or these little baby bears that are climbing around our ribcage always? always you know emotions are these beautiful little tricksters you know they're

doing handstands and some of the bears are hiding behind the cage and you know some of them there's always a couple of bears down by the bottom ribs you know one of them's got his face painted up like Marilyn Manson's and they, you know, touching their little, you know, they touching their little candy sticks, you know, but, but bears are, you know, our feelings are like these little bears that are just climbing around on our rib cage. And this is our, this is their, you know, this is their monkey bars. And our feelings used to be more like monkeys, you know, and they were more like primal kind of, you know. And now they're more like bear bars. You know, our feelings are a little softer sometimes and people sensitive.

And the bear will slip off the bars and fall down into a lawsuit. into a lawsuit. You know, but it's like, you know, our rib cages are like monkey bars for our emotions and I don't want our emotions to be something that disappear from the world. And technology is something

that takes those. But we have to just, you know, but we have to work with it. So I think sometimes they should have laws on how much technology there can be. People are like, that's crazy. That's not crazy.

There's laws on how much cocaine you can do and drive around. Yeah, they won't allow any, which I think it might be a little off. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes a little pop will help you get, you know, help you get through light traffic if you feel me. But if you out there just, you know, dusting yourself off, you know, if you out there just fucking doing drywall in your own interior, you know, you serving your brain just fucking desert dunes, then you're going, that's not safe. serving your brain just fucking desert dunes, then that's not safe. But this shit is a hell of a drug.

Dude, I saw a kid the other day. I talked to him for 40 minutes. He didn't even know I was there. He didn't know I was there. I had to impersonate a pop-up advertisement to even get his attention for a second and then he just like kind of it's like they had an ex right here and he just kind of pressed it by my head

like Jesus Christ just a different time but yeah I think our ribcages are like these places you know they used to be monkey bars for our feelings and then that and so I respect that when I see an emotion from somebody that's real you know I'm used to be monkey bars for our feelings. And so I respect that. When I see an emotion from somebody that's real, you know, I'm kind of a romanticist, I guess, in that sense. I'm kind of a traditionalist.

And I love those things, man. And so I love the fact when anybody's brave enough to share some thoughts or some real emotions. And that's what I, you know, that's one thing that I love. And those are the types of things. Those people that come out to our shows you know they're real there's a lot of emotional just real people

and I love that man I appreciate it we had some police officers came out from Miami Dade bruh I respect those guys they came out everybody's always hard on the police dude these aren't scientists

they're out there fucking fighting bad guys and doing the best they can you go fight a fucking bad guy you afraid to even give your 13 year old son a spanking you can't even watch the Danielle Cormier fight you know shout out Louisiana you can't even watch the Danielle Cormier fight, you know, shot out Louisiana.

You can't even watch that without, you know, making sure all your doors are locked. I can't anyway. And in here I got, and I'm going to sit there and tweet about cops or complain about cops. Fuck anybody that's complaining about shit on Twitter, man. And if I do it, fuck me. Fuck me as well. Bunch of wimps. You know, a bunch of freaking wimps.

The world gets better, we get out and make it better, man. And good people are coming out to these shows. And sorry, I'm getting agitated about that, but I really feel that. And we're going to do some cool stuff together as a group as time goes on. And that's one thing that I love about this podcast group.

It's not just a, you know, I think, and I don't, I'm not trying to sound ego, egotistical, you know, I feel like we're just creating so many people send me messages and emails and

just say nice things. Dude, I get here. I'll put one of these. We'll go to a couple of voicemails. I get like 50 of these a day, man. In some facet. I'm not joking, bro.

What's up, Theo? It's Brian down in South Florida. I was just listening to your podcast and you were talking. In South Florida, dude, that's basically a hurricane. That's a hurricane. That's basically a summer. That's Martha's Vineyard for hurricanes. When hurricanes are hatched out in wherever, wherever they hatch them out there, Voldemort or the Middle East or whatever.

You know, they're making these things out in the Middle East. Hurricanes. Look where they come from every time. Right over there. Right for us. They're manufacturing these things. And then they buy, you know, and then they're doing all these insurance claims and shit. Let's liven up that ass.

But thank you for calling, man. And thank you for being alive still if you live in South Florida. And we're talking about this time of year and kind of new beginnings. And I just wanted to let you know, man. Yesterday I went to court and they let me off of probation. That's what I'm saying, boy. We got him off. Who is this dude again?

Sorry, man. Let me go back and listen from the beginning. Sorry. What's up, Theo? It's Brian down in South Florida. Brian, not guilty. Not guilty. What do you even do, dude? I was just listening to your podcast, and you were talking about this time of year and kind of new beginnings.

And I just wanted to let you know, man, yesterday I went to court, and they let me off of probation. Your boy is free after a whole year. And they even wiped my record clean. So I feel like I got a fresh start, and I just wanted to really thank you, because it was a hard year, and every Monday you kind of kept me up, and then on Thursday, you kind of got me through the end of the week, and you really helped me out, and I'm going to take this opportunity with a clean slate to just kind of live for my new daughter and for myself and for my family and I just want to thank you Theo you help a lot of people gang gang papa you know and I appreciate I appreciate the nice words man

dude you help a lot of people by sharing that story. This is a perfect example. Dude, we're just little share bears, you know? We're just little share bears out here crawling around the rib cage looking for some real feelings. And then, ya boy, Brian, okay,

free Brian, this dude, we don't even know what he did. He might have, you know, two of Brian's cousins might be missing. We don't know. We don't even know what he did. He might have fucking, you know, two of Brian's cousins might be missing. We don't know. We don't know what's going on. He gets to spend time with his daughter. We don't know. But we appreciate that he shows up and he comes in on Monday and this is what we're a part of.

Because by people listening, that's how I'm here. I come on, you know. And so it's a team effort. That's what I feel here. I come on, you know? And so it's a team effort. That's what I feel like. I really, really do feel that way. You know, yeah, everybody wants listenership for the shows and they want people to, you know, tune in and stuff like that. And yes, I've always wanted that.

But the show's grown. It's grown, man. It's grown. We're going to have the listenership. You know, and now it's just like, what do we do with it as a community? Because we can do some cool stuff down the road as a group. We can do cool stuff in different communities and all types of stuff like that.

But dude, thank you, Brian, for being a part of it. And get out there and take your girl to do something. You know, maybe buy your girl a little, you know, something special. Get her a little, a shovel or something. Teach her how to look for treasure. Because you do that, man. You teach a little daughter to look for treasure. Not out here in the world by chasing, being a gold digger.

But you give, you know. You know what they say. Show a woman a rich old dude and they'll eat for a month. But give a woman a metal detector and that bitch will seek out her own future. And that's what I'm saying, man.

I wish we had like a cute little shovel we could even mail, you know, to you to give to your daughter as a gift. Because you know I respect a hardworking woman more than anything, and I hope you raise one of those, man. Because life is about hard work, bro. And I'm out here, and I'm fucking feeling soft a lot of times, but sometimes I feel a little bit proud of myself.

And I don't know, man. My brain's all over the place today, but I'm grateful to be here and be in a safe place where I can share it. Because these days, people can't do it anymore. And we're lucky. And that's what we're keeping here, baby. This is the fucking hive, son. This is a hive, bro. A curious crew.

Heroes up in here. You know, I know some of that shit sounds crazy and stuff, but I feel like we can do some cool shit. And I'm not going to be ashamed to feel hopeful. This is a hive of fucking hopeful bees, bro. And every now and then we're going to sneak over and stang Brandon's showers. Brandon's showers. But thank you for that call, Manny. You're welcome, dude. You're welcome. And thank

you for showing up every single week. That's what I got. Let's take another call that came in here. The hotline as always is 985-664-9503. And I want to let you know, I'm grateful that, remember, we did Man Up a while back. And we had Josh and a few other guys that came on. Bobby Lee came on as a guest on an episode. And next thing you know, we made three episodes for Comedy Central. Well, now Comedy Central wants to make a pilot of the show. And so now they are, we're going to do it again. So if you're struggling, you're a man that's struggling with something real.

I'm not trying to take advantage of your situation. This is obviously genuine. I want to be able to offer an experience that could be helpful. But you live in Los Angeles or somewhere in America and you think it could be a good fit for this. Hit us up. Drop us a call. 985-664-9503 and leave us a voicemail.

Now, with that said, if you're also a guy who doesn't want to have anything to do with that and just wants to share what's going on in his week or is struggling with something or a young lady, you can hit the hotline as well. Or a young lady that might have for the show or not for the show.

But you can hit the hotline as well. And that's always a safe space first. That's a safe place first. You know, and then secondarily, this is something we're going to do. And I'm excited about it. You know, it's like, you know, and I've had different thoughts over the years about Hollywood and, you know,

how I've, you know, felt unwelcome here at times and stuff like that. But here's the thing about the world is you have to meet the world where it's at. And sometimes things will adjust and sometimes you will adjust. But if I'm walking around, I'm saying you, and I'm sorry, I started to say around all the, if I'm walking, I'm saying you, and I'm sorry, I've started to say that recently, and that's when I know I'm getting too into my own world, and I need to go to more meetings and connect with more humans, when I start saying you, instead of saying, you know, we, or when I start pointing at somebody and not pointing at myself, you know, because nobody should do anything, you know, know why because nobody's gonna do anything that

i want because they don't know what i want a lot of this shit's in my head only i know what's going on with me and uh and i gotta come at the world you know and have to meet the world where it's at if you're sitting around bitching about the way something is but you're so far off in a different direction that you're never going to be able to associate there or work there. You know, it's like if you live in Alaska but you're waiting to fucking catch some sunshine

and you're just sitting by your window all day and you got your tanning oil and you got a couple of cigarettes you stole maybe from your stepmother or something you know because she's fully italian bro and full of full italian dude they born with a cigarette in the back of their throat you know they got uh you know they got all kind of nice stuff at the house usually a little pack of uh mist that you know um virginia slams and um and you know black olives those little cans of mist that, you know, Virginia slams and, you know, black olives.

Those little cans of black olives, dude. A full Italian woman, they'll keep a couple black olives in a brassiere, bro. You know, they'll joke with you. You pull the bra off and you think it's nipples and they're like, oh, no, it's an old Italian, you know, joke. These are two black olives. And she hands you one and you all have a little snack before you all get into a

little breast play or something. A little mutually agreeable breast play. I'm not talking about doing something deviant. This ain't me too. This is meat lovers. You know what I'm saying? This is Italian. But, sorry. See, sometimes my brain goes on this tangents

and I can't get back to what my thoughts are. You know, people brush their teeth every day and a lot of people are doing it wrong. You're still using a toothbrush. What are you driving a horse to work? Come on, man. People brush too hard and some electric toothbrushes are too abrasive. Well, Quip has a built-in two minute timer that pulses every 30 seconds to remind you when to switch sides. That way you get a full, even clean. It's basically just like, it tells you how to do it. Quit thinking if you want to. Quip declutters your sink or cabinet and makes traveling with an electric toothbrush easier. Three out of four of us use bristles that are old, worn,

and ineffective. Dude, some of us, honestly, guys even use the one that we use to clean our shoes to clean our teeth. That's true. Well, now you can get a Quip toothbrush. It's beautiful. It's sleek. It's patented. Man, it looks so flush. If you like fancy-looking things, then this is your thing, bro. This is the calamari of teeth brushing.

So go to Quip. It's so designer, man. It's designer. That's why I love Quip. And that's why I love Quip and why they're backed by over 20,000 dental professionals. Quip starts at just $25. If you go to getquip.com slash weekend right now, you get your first refill pack for free with a Quip electronic toothbrush. That's your first refill pack for free.

Getquip.com slash weekend. That's G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash weekend. It's the future of teeth brushing. Could be a great Christmas gift. Go there and check it out. See how you feel about it. Slash weekend for your first free refill pack

with your Quip electronic toothbrush. You know, that's like, yeah, if you're waiting for the sunshine in Alaska and you're sitting by the, and you're just the whole life you're complaining. Well, at some point you got to go down there

with a fucking and tell them you love sunshine. And then they might be like, oh, we didn't know anybody like sunshine here. We thought people just like the windburn on their face like that dude I was talking about earlier. Some of those dudes, you know, they'll burn their whole fucking face off. They got a dude, you know, Inuit and then Outuit and then they you know, William H. Facey

next thing you know they got nine fucking faces on and they running around town but what I'm saying is you got to meet the world where it's at you have to meet the world where it's at man, the world is in one place, you're in another place you got to meet the world where it's at and I'm excited that we're going to be able to do something great

with a man up in this past weekend. And, and we're going to be able to help out people that, you know, that, uh, can use some, you know, some extra harumph just like myself, cause I need it constantly. And, uh, and I go out and find places to get it constantly. And one of the places that I get it. Is right here with you guys. And so I'm grateful to that. And I'm grateful for this opportunity in my life. In our lives man.

This is going to be. Dude what if we get to have a real show. Where every week we take. You know we take somebody from. That wants to be a part of the podcast. And wants to inspire others. And we get out there and make something cool with them. Dude, to be able to help somebody in real time, that's really cool. And I know we're already doing that.

You might say we're already doing that. You're selling out, this sort of thing. But it's not. You know what I'm saying? I trust my instincts on things. And I trust my instincts on things and I trust my instincts on this, you know, and I'm excited about this pilot and I'm excited about the opportunity because we've done it a few times and we've proven we have a track record that there's genuine it. Genuinity. There's genuinity in it that people's doing genuine good stuff.

Let's hit through a couple of calls here. Oh, let's take this call right here. Here we go. Hey, Mr. Fiddle. This is Rawell from Houston, Texas. Hey, Doc, I wanted to give you my this past Halloween story. Okay, and Halloween is over now, and I appreciate you calling because you know how much I enjoyed it. And, man, I love Halloween.

My God, dude. I mean, I just was at the house today just putting away about 40 damn witch outfits. You know? And, dude, none of them is mine. So, who knows what I'm probably going to get arrested for. Onward. Oh, you got two kids. You batched out twice.

I respect that, man. That's that full body batch, you know? Onward. And, uh, first of all, got these lazy motherfuckers just raining outside and got these lazy assholes driving by and let the kids, you know, jump on in and jump on out. Oh yeah, that was us, bruh. But mom had us not only driving,

but the station wagon thing down so not only would we get back on, it wasn't in. We were just standing on the tailgate getting wet. Just drenched as fuck, dude. Just jumping off into the Mekong Delta. Onward. Get your ass out.

Get wet. Let's do it. Let's have fun. Anyway, so to the main story. So my kid's going to this knock on this door. And I was talking to the old lady. And my daughter walked back, and she didn't say nothing.

She seems kind of scared, and I asked her, I said, honey, what's wrong? And she didn't say nothing. When that's Halloween, man, children get scared of all kinds of shit. You know? You hear a fart during Halloween,

and you think it's, you know, your great-grandfather's coming around looking for bread in the kitchen or something. Omer? My son is still by the door, and I see the guy peek his head through the door. So I walk up there in a hurry. I say, hey, man, what's going on? What you doing?

First of all, this gentleman doesn't have a shirt on. Answering the fucking door like a goddamn creeper. You know, this is 50-50 on this one, man. Because, you know, should somebody 50-50 on this one, man. Because, you know, should somebody have to wear a shirt just because your kid wants some fucking candy? That's the question. Your kid's getting free shit.

You know? Maybe the guy should be able to serve it however he wants. Now, I think he should at least have a vest on. I know that for a fact. If I'm giving anything to a child, bro, at the very least, I ain't, you know, maybe I'll show one of my nipples. Times has changed. When I was young, you could, you know, show both of your black olives to a little kid. It didn't fucking matter.

You know, you did what you want. But now everybody, you know, people are sensitive to seeing other people's black olives. So a shirtless man, I got to hear more about this. Let's go. Fucking door like a goddamn creeper and hands my son two cans of fucking raviolis.

First of all, I think I need to do a better parenting job on my son because his little dumbass is standing there for some fucking ravioli. But my daughter's smart enough to get the fuck out of there. Oh, dude, two can of raviolis, bruh. That's called an Italian hit and run, dude. If somebody don't care about you, you know, and they're Italian, they don't invite you to cook.

But they'll fucking hit you with those, you know, Gina will hit you with two cans of raviolis and they out. That's that Italian hit and run. So they might have known your boy wasn't, you know, didn't have like a real tongue for foods, I'm guessing. Maybe they thought that your boy didn't really have a strong tongue for foods, you know. And so they're looking at him. Maybe he needs to kind of, they were thinking that. But yeah, your boy took them snacks. Your girl got out of there.

Girls know. Women are drug dogs, basically. They know what's going on. Women know at seven or eight years old if your marriage is even going to work. If there's spouses out there, you want to know your marriage is going to go work? Go ask your fucking seven-year-old. They'll tell you right now. You're paying all this money for a therapy.

You got a crystal ball right there in the back room. Doing arts and crafts by herself and making homemade purses and shit. And making dream catchers. You know, making all these, you know, you know, these Ariana, you know, Pete Davidson mood ring dream catchers or something. You know, I don't see how Pete Davidson doesn't come out with a mood ring. You know, he basically was Ariana Grande's mood ring. I've said it. You know, however she was feeling, he would dye his hair.

And I love that. You look at Pete's head, you'd be like, oh, wow. Well, I guess she's approachable today. But, you know, your kids, yeah, door to door. I love it, man. Your kid learns a lot. Because here's the thing. I've been a kid right there.

And somebody handing you canned goods and they don't have a shirt on. I've been that kid. And you learn a lot, man. You see a lot right there and somebody handing you canned goods and they don't have a shirt on. I've been that kid. And you learn a lot, man. You see a lot right there. You see something you don't want to be. You know, or maybe you see something you do. You also see somebody giving food to somebody else. There's something beautiful about it. Somebody handing you a couple of, you know, consumable treats. You ain't got to do nothing. It's kind of beautiful, you know.

But yeah, maybe look for the positivity in it. When else is just, you know, the only way you're going to get two canned goods out of a dude with no shirt on and be able to see that live in real life, I'm guessing probably a food drive after a University of Kentucky

win. After a University of Kentucky football win. But not in the city limits. Not in Lexington anymore. You got to go outside of the city limits for really, really to see that. So that's what you're looking at. And that's after a church food drive. But yeah, you got to be careful. They got pedophiles out there.

They got pedophiles, pedophiles, you know, pedophere. It's a lot of dudes are even afraid of kids. That's what I have. I'm a pedophere. I'm afraid these days to be around children unless it's my own nieces and nephews. And I get in there and we wrestle and everybody's legitimate. You know, nobody's doing anything sneaky or trying to look at each other's body or even, dude, I don't look at them from the shoulder to the kneecap, son.

I'm not related to that child. You know, I'm not related to that visual area. I keep it shoulders and up and knees down. And you know, I'm a good, that's how I do it. But I have pedophilic now. And pedophilic is just being, like I'll see somebody with a cute kid or something and I want to say, hey, you have a beautiful child there. Your child was very nice. He bumped into me but he said excuse me or something. Or we saw someone struggling and he helped

him out and I catched it but the parent didn't see it. And I'll be like, I can't say anything, man. They might think I'm the bad one. Let's take some other calls, man. Here we go. Thank you for calling about the Halloween, man. And thank you for taking your kids trick-or-treating even in the rain. Those are beautiful memories. You know, and one thing that would be cool is maybe your kid goes to the door, you duck off getting a scary outfit with like a little hat-chet or something.

You know, one of those little native choppers, bruh. And then they come back and they're looking for you and you fucking, they don't know you're in that, you know, that I Know What You Did Last Sioux Falls outfit. You know, that big yellow raincoat with that little native hand hitter brought at Hatchette. Thanks for calling. Let's take another call.

Hey Theo, what's up? This is Blake from Atlanta. What's up, Blake over there in Atlanta? Onward. I guess I'm sort of what you would call kind of a newer listener to your show, but I love your show. Okay. Escuchen nuevo, papa. Bienvenidos. And I felt like I had to get something. I was thinking about something because it's Halloween tomorrow for me. It's Halloween tomorrow

and for the rest of the world. Yeah, man, Halloween, everybody's doing it at the same time. And I respect you as a person. You don't get your own Halloween. I guess if you want to, you do. If you own a wishing well or something like that, then you probably could do it whenever. You know, if you got one of those, you know, those baby

gateways in the backyard that goes to the, you know, the nether's world and that, you know, that little fucking Narnia outburst, you know, that little, you know, that little Shawshank retention. You know, if you got that little back thing that goes into a dirty pond out back of your place, you know, that magic, that wishing well, and you could jump into that, you know, and just get all Andy Dufresne up in your brain, you can do that and make your own Halloween. But, yeah, let's hear more, Elmer.

You know, so I'm feeling kind of Halloween-y. And it's also almost November, so I'm also feeling kind of Thanksgiving-y. And I've been thinking about pies. I've been thinking about pumpkin pie. And I've been thinking about pecan pie, because I've heard of both of those pies. Oh, yeah, man. And I know you. I love pie.

And I don't know if you knew that or not before you called but man I love pie cause a pie is just a pie just looks up at a cake and is like hey look at all the fucking beautiful shit I did

in just an inch and a half motherfucker you up there. It's like watching a Mexican dude do well in basketball. That's a pie. And he looking up all of these cakes. All these German chocolate hitters. Six story, nine story.

They got Euro players. These, you know, Tiramisu hitting them from the threes and that. And doing them baby gator shots and all of that shit off the back top. And then they got you a boy. Little Hector. You know? Hector

Piso Uno, bro. And he's that pie, baby. And he gets it all done at the bottom of the bowl. And I respect that 100%. I love pies. And I'm just as shocked you even knew that I was thinking about them as much. Because it's so crazy.

As soon as Halloween, once that pumpkin strikes, midnight, and Cinderella gets out that bitch. I got pie in my sky, baby. Let's hear more. So you've heard of pumpkin pies and you've heard of pecan pies, but what? But I've never heard of pump can pie. That's something I've never heard of. What do you mean? And that'd be like a little half and half pumpkin pie, half pumpkin, half pecan.

So I was thinking about that pie and I was thinking, is that something that you would be interested in? Is that something that you would try? Or are you more like a pie traditionalist and you don't think that we need to be melding different types of pies? So thank you for taking my call and a happy Halloween. Oh man, I think you're on to something. That Pumpkin, huh? And that's uplifting, too. Because Pumpkin, dude, that's Ken. That means anybody, you know?

You have a piece of pie, next thing you know, you and your cousin fucking sharing whipped cream, you know? You sharing the toppings on each other. And that's Pumpkin. But Pumpkin, now you and your cousin starting a small business and i love that that pumpkin pecan boom boom that's a diversity you know i like that little you know that that little pie that pie movement yeah i love pies man and you know you know what's funny now that you say it i do need to branch out because i've been so convicted to apple and i've been so convicted now fucking dude you show been so convicted and I'll fucking do you show me a peach. Dude, I swear to God, you show me a peach

cobbler. You had a peach cobbler in the woods. Maybe I would say up to 60 feet off the interstate, even behind a couple of trees. And I'll still be able to see that bitch driving at 65 miles an hour. I will still be able to see that thing. Boy, My eyes are keen to a cobbler, baby. I got that cobble wobble in my face, son. You know what I'm saying? I see a dessert enough. You know, I just can't even handle myself. I see a cobble.

Dude, gas station? I'll be at full tank, bro. I'll be driving by it. I don't need any gas. I see peach cobbler. $2.15. A quarter pound, bro. Dude, this thing ain't even a Tesla and this bitch is doing automatic U-turns.

I be U-turnin' up in that ad gas. I'm pumping gas. The tank is full, bro. I'm filling the back seat up with gas. I don't give a fuck. I want an excuse to get that hentai. And that's that collar dude my neck goes limp around a cobbler i can't dude i gotta have two two you know two shorties two beautiful little uh southern you know little biscuit babies in there to hold me up while i

order it because i'm my neck goes limp around a cobbler because a cobbler they basically just took a peach pie put that bitch in the streets for a few weeks and taught that thing how to twerk baby and that's a cobbler boy and i do that cobble wobble i'm a cobbler son i'm fitting shoes for my sweet tooth son i love cobbler but yeah i appreciate you calling about that let's take another a couple calls that have come in here, man. You know, last week I shared about some different issues that I was having at the urinal. Because I'm that urinal, you know, I kind of turn into that little baby. You know, I'm really like a seahorse at a urinal.

You ever try to look for a seahorse under the water? You can barely see them. Because they galloped off. And they shy like that. And that's how my bladder is. My bladder is like this. My bladder is like a... There's this nervous connection between my brain and my wiener

and it's like a still lake and if one thing upsets that surface man it makes me nervous and then it's just that ripple just goes and goes and goes and man there's such an uncomfort you know just a little pebble of an idea of discomfort or anything

or negative thought or something. I don't know, uncertainty, anxiety gets in, and then I'm standing at the urinal. And I'm not even peeing anymore. I'm just somebody that's, you know, I'm somebody that's just been holding onto their penis for like three or four minutes while other people are peeing. And I get sad about it, man. I get, you know, it makes me nervous. And, you know, I shared about that on last week's episode. And so, you know, I want to, I want to – some people called in about that.

Hey, CEO. This is Jeff in the Twin Cities. In the Twin Cities, he's talking about Minneapolis and St. Paul. He's not talking – I don't want anybody thinking there's like a magical place where twins go live at or something. I don't want anybody thinking there's a magical place where twins go live at or something. There's not like look-alike Nevada or some shit. He's talking about Minneapolis and St. Paul. And I think it was founded by men.

I don't think they were identical twins, but they said they were. It could have been some kind of Ponzi scheme. But let's hear more. I heard on your podcast when your urine kind of locked up on you when you were at the bathroom. I've got a tip for you on that, and it works every time for me when that happens. Oh, wow. This is interesting. So you got that pop-a-lock on the U-lock here.

Because, yeah, man, once I hit that nerves, then i'm just basically straining my whole body is straining and i can't have no feelings in my wiener or in my wiener area onward and i i heard this on henry rollins video so this is you know he's in he's in a lot of public urinals so this is like tested and stuff oh yeah he looks like a guy who's just spent his whole life just pissing in berlin you know he's been real through some real, you know, right there on that Mason-Dixon line in Berlin. He's been a real, you know, he's been on the real just front streets of, you know, urine issues. You know, it's science, I think. But what I do is when I can't go, I start doing the multiplication tables in my head.

Like two times two is four, 4 times 2 is 8. And I swear by the time I'm at like 16 or 32, it's going, you know. It starts no matter what. So you might want to give that a try if that happens again. So, you know, good luck. Love the show. See you later. Bye.

That's cool, man. I like that. I like that. I'll try that. 2 times 2 is 4. That's cool, man. I like that. I like that. I'll try that. Two times two is four. Two times four is eight. Two times eight is 16. You know, the problem is it gets tricky after that.

You don't want to be the dude at the urinal fucking just nudging some brother, you know, or some little, you know, a guy next to you, you know, a beautiful Laotian gentleman or something and saying, hey, buddy, you know what two times 16 is? Because in some areas, you know, out there in Mathlehem or wherever, if people, you know, if they, you know, if they have like a lot of homoerotic men

and they like to do math and the dude might think you're trying to duck off or something with them. And maybe that's fine if that's what you're looking to do. You're trying to just go look and add each other up and, you know, just multiply each other's bodies in your mouths and all of that. Then you can do it. But, yeah.

But I'll try it and I appreciate that. You know, I appreciate you calling and saying, you know, this is a way that you can try it. Two times two is four. Two times four, eight. Two times eight, 16. Try it. Two times two is four. Two times four, eight. Two times eight, 16.

Yeah, because I guess it maybe takes your brain into a different direction so you're not feeling your anxiety. And part of it these days, man, we just got to take our brains in a different direction. And some of that direction is movement. Movement will get you going. The problem with being in a urinal, you stalled out. They don't have these running urinals where you can run and piss at the same time. You know, that last of the Mohicans, you know leaking i could do that bro oh i'll go you run run and run with a spear in my hand jump off a cliff piss at the same time how's that not an olympic sport dude we got this

bitch ass stuff people jumping over hurdles who gives a fuck dude do something that's really an olympian could do i don't see somebody jumping over hurdles something that's really an Olympian could do. I don't see somebody jumping over hurdles. That's not even an Olympian anymore. That's just an advertisement for a company now. I want to see that real hitter. I want to see somebody catching a violent sheep or something and strangling that thing at the same time that he's doing a backflip off of a third-story burning building over there outside of Toledo.

Now we're talking. That's the fucking Olympics. Get this other shit out of here. But I'll try the multiplication. Let's hear. Because multiplication to divide my problems. I like it. Onward.

Hey, what's up, Theo? It's Gunter from Ontario, Canada, Toronto, more specifically. I turned on your podcast, right? And you started talking about that nervous pee game. And I just wanted to let you know that I also suffer that affliction. I also struggle to piss in public. I believe it started when I was about 10 or 11. I remember distinctly, I was at a big football game with my dad. And we went to use the urinals during halftime. And there was a big line.

Oh, my God. The line is the worst. Because the line is the worst if you know you're not going to be able to pee. Or the line is the worst if you already know that. Now if you don't know that, the line is the worst anyway.

Because now it's like everybody's waiting. You're supposed to be like the Mark Spitz of piss or something, or the, um, you know, you know, not, uh, you know, who's somebody that did something real fast, dude, and it was a bunch of bullshit, um, you know, uh, I'm trying to think of somebody like that. You know, it was like the, I don't know, I want to say Lane Kiffin, but I don't think that's the right guy. But yeah, just some, you know,

you're somebody that fucking faked it and got it done. And then, anyway, I'm going to quit interrupting you, man. Onward. I've grown ass men behind me, and it made me nervous, and my dick just seized up. And I'm 23 now, and it's been that way ever since. Wow.

Onward. It's very bizarre, but these days, sometimes what I do is I go into a stall and sit down and piss. Oh, yeah. And that probably sounds absolutely absurd, but like you've already stated, the alternative is standing at a urinal with your dick in your hands for three minutes and then shaking a dry dick and walking away. I figure it's the lesser of two evils to sit down and piss.

Yeah, because then you're just like, you know, you're acting. You're not, you didn't really do that. Isn't that crazy? Then you're acting like you pissed. You're fucking Joe Pishy. You know, you're pretending you pissed, shaking it off. Dude, trying to, you know, just saying things like oh that was a lot you know things like that to make it seem like you did a lot of urine and the whole time you got

nothing you got that dry little you know that little cat's yawn down there and it's like a third you know and a cat about a second yawn that thing is dry as hell. You could raise cotton in between its teeth. But man, that's scary, dude. But it is humiliating and it is an affliction. Anyways, I appreciate you and I appreciate the podcast and everything you're doing here. Love the community. And yeah, keep on keeping on. Gang, gang.

Gang, gang, papa. And look, I'll be honest with you, man, when I get up at night sometimes, because my urine, you know, I got a urine, or my wiener has some type of damn, you know, I think diverticulitis, or something, it just, the urine gets diverted right out the gate, and I'm pissing on something, I'll water a plant, you know what I'm saying? I'll fucking breastfeed a, you know, I'll breastfeed a chihuahua across the street. I'm fucking blowing streams, you know, just like a, you know, like kind of a cheap showerhead or something. If you ever stayed at a place that, you know, you got to bring your own showerhead. When I was growing up, they had a motel.

When we would drive up to Memphis, they had a motel and you had to bring your own showerhead in there and for two dollars they had unlocked the water and you could hook your showerhead on there and do you know do your cleaning or water your plants in the bathroom or whatever and so we would go in there and uh but that thing was a piece of shit you know that thing is blowing everywhere i mean basically this thing it really didn't give you a shower basically just ruined the drywall at a fucking apartment uh at a motel i don't even think when i really think back on it that thing was just a scam probably to collect insurance money or to accuse somebody of something or they probably sold them in an area some some company probably bought all the apartments and motels in an area you you know, and then they had,

and then they had, you know, you get in there and they made all the shower heads in the area and sold them at stores. So then people got the shower heads, came in there,

ruined it, fucking ruined the motels, and then you got to get the insurance claims. I bet, dude, look, the dark arts abound, you got to get the insurance claims. I bet, dude, look, the dark arts abound, brother. The dark arts abound. But don't be ashamed of yourself for sitting down and doing urination. You know, that's kind of a thinker's stance, really.

That's the Filipino squat. You know, Filipinos, they like to sit down and think. And they're smaller targets. They don't get killed as much in war. Go think about 70 or 80 wars okay think about it or think about 40 it's quicker to think about 40 wars

you don't think about Filipinos dying do you because you don't see them they're thinking very wise beautiful smiling people personas con divertido de boca. The people with the joy in their mouths. Filipinos.

And shout out to my wine that I've never made called Filipino Grigio. For the man that sits down to urinate. No shame in your game, brother. Drip drop, you know. Be that bad boy. Be that bad boy, man. I appreciate you sharing that too. Maybe try the multiplication the other guy suggested. That's a good thing. I'm going to try it. But don't feel ashamed, man. I do that stuff too. It gives us a chance to sit and think and calculate it

instead of standing up there with our nerves. We make adjustments. We meet the world where it's at. You know? Because, dude, for most of my life, I stood there afraid, acting like I could piss, dude. Isn't that crazy? Like I'm pissed for walking, bro. Why? Why?

I can't. Oh, I pissed. I didn't. I didn't. But the whole time, I can't even get that drizzle drizzle. You know, I can't even get that 10% of piss, you know, perspicitation. But I just, you know, I want to keep living the bullshit. Nobody's watching that shit, man. Get into your comfort zone.

And if you got to squat it out and drip drop to be comfortable, that's okay. That's okay, man. Because you make adjustments, you meet the world where it's at. That's how I think. That's how you get better. That's how you move forward. Now you're not sitting there, you know, you know, standing there with your hand and you've jumped, you know, fake pissing forever. Then you got, you know, you know, you sit in a bladder.

You can't enjoy the rest of the game. You got a full bladder of urine. Your dad thinks you hate him because you got this uncomfortable look on your face. But you riding on two gallons of fucking, you know, boiled Pepsi that's laying in your bladder. It's just a world of bullshit when we start it. And we start it by fear, by the fear, man. So I appreciate you sharing that, making me think, man. We'll stick in the wiener world, man,

and we'll stick with some more wiener calls that came in. These are all labeled wiener by my producer. So from here on out, I'm getting into this wiener category. Onward. Hey, Theo. Appreciate you. Appreciate the podcast. I just want to make a comment on Jack who's beating me a little bit too much. Can't keep it up during sex. Oh, yeah. This was a call that came in last week. The man was calling. He said that he'd been having issues. He'd been masturbating too much, and it was affecting his relationship

with his girlfriend. Onward. I've actually dealt with that a little bit before, so I think he just needs to find out why he's doing that so much. For me, it was because of who I was with, and I found myself going to my extracurricular activities. I was looking for essentially what I... I'm sorry, bud. I lost my train of thought

for a second because I looked at my phone. So I want to apologize and I'm going to take your call back and start it over. I'm sorry, dude. I shouldn't have done it, but... Fuck, honestly,

I didn't even know I was doing it. And then I did it. I mean, that's like a witch's spell, isn't it? This technology. That's a witch's spell. And that shit ain't illegal, bro. This is hand cocaine,

son of phone. That's that phocaine, baby. Let's start your call again. I know it was about jerking off, I think. Hey, Theo. Appreciate you. Appreciate the podcast. I just want to make a comment on Jack. He's beating me a little bit too much.

Can't keep it up during sex. Oh, yeah. Beaty Jack. And he called in last week. He was having some issues. And I respect him for calling, man. Jack, thank you for calling, dude. I know it's kind of tough stuff to share sometimes.

You know, but I've struggled with that a lot in my life. You know, they used to call me the soft boss and I wouldn't have that erection, bro, but I would have that, you know, it's still kind of a choice meat. I had that choice meat, you know, I had that kind of skirt steak, you know, it's not really, you don't know how it's going to be served, but it's, you know, it's still kind of steak, you know. But anyhow, yeah, BD Jack, he called in last week and he was having, he was doing too much self-pleasure. You know, and creating his own straight up body oil out the front that, you know, that skeet, baby. Them weenie tears, bruh.

Them genetic weenie tears that you that your weenie makes and your nuts make together as a team that's teamwork fluid and the thing was that he he he was struggling with it because it was affecting his relationship and that's where we were with him and now you have called in. Thank you for calling. Let's hear some of your suggestions for him, I'm guessing. I've actually dealt with that a little bit before. So I think he just needs to find out why he's doing that so much. For me, it was because of who I was with and I found myself going to my extracurricular activities.

going to my extracurricular activities. I was looking for essentially what I craved, and it wasn't who I was with. And now I'm with a girl I fucking love, and, you know, I still beat my meat, but I definitely don't have any problem keeping it up. Maybe that's his issue. I don't know.

I don't know him. I don't know. I just know what he said and that's what I dealt with. So maybe it'll help him. Well, I love the way you presented it. First of all, me presented is this is my experience and this may not help. It may help.

I don't know, but this is me being willing to share my experience with you and you're not accusing him or saying it definitely will. So I love the way you presented that man. And that reminds me of how to present things to people and how to share instead of direct, really. And I need reminders about that stuff. And so I'm thankful you called just now

because I really, I think, needed that. Yes, sometimes when you're jerking off, it might not be because you don't know if it's the right person and I've wondered that too in my life you know because I've struggled with a lot of um you know I've talked about this before I was talking with a lot of you know you know being that soft boss you know being that again that you know kind of like uh you ever see a dude that kind of you know has a cane he's still cruising bro but he gots a cane you know, kind of like a, you ever see a dude that kind of, you know, has a cane, he's still cruising, bro, but he gots a cane, you know, that's like my dick,

you know, we, you know, he's doing it, but he also, he struggles, oh, you know, but he's still out there flexing, bro, he's still out there wearing a crown and got a chunk of cheese in his mouth. But yeah, and I wonder sometimes, well, is it just because I haven't met the right person? And I'm just like forcing my dick into this other person I don't want. Into this haunted house. Because dude, fucking somebody you don't care about? Come on, bro. That's like putting your dick into a haunted house, man. Think about that.

And your dick doesn't even have any eyes, dude. At least if we're in a haunted house, we have eyes. We know things are looking at us. We know that clock suddenly, you know, is tick-tocking with knives instead of clock hands. We know that there's a mummy over there, and we know there's a bat. Your dick is just blind, bruh.

Your dick doesn't have eyes. All of its eyes are feelings. All of its smell is feelings. Instead of five senses, it have maybe, I guess it could feel and think. I don't know if thinking is a sense, but it probably only has two feelings, dude, out of the five. Two senses. So you putting a two sense animal into a straight up fully haunted house. And you expecting that thing to do work, boy?

Come on. So yeah, maybe that's a good suggestion suggestion maybe you just haven't met that right person now that doesn't mean alienate your girl because you said you love her you know but maybe it just it's not the correct fit but no matter what i'm gonna say you got to take the pornography out of it because i know that the gentleman mentioned that and um and i'm gonna uh you know that that because that's a huge issue. Let's take another call. Well, by God, there's something in it.

I have this problem. Weird things keep happening to me, like, throughout my life consecutively, literally this past weekend up in Gainesville at the Windstar. Okay, thank you for calling, man. I think you said your name was Will, and this is at the Windstar. And I think that's a casino maybe or something. Let's hear more. This 80-year-old lady told me a dirty joke after I got done telling dad jokes to this waitress.

Oh, when senior citizens, dude, it's carte blanche. It's carte blanche devereaux, dude. When you're a senior citizen, you tell them anything, they'll tell you a dirty joke. Dude, a senior citizen, you tell them anything, they'll tell you a dirty joke. Dude, a senior citizen, you tap them on the shoulder. They'll be like, two dicks walk into one office. Did I say office? I meant orifice. Dude, senior citizens

love that. You call them about offering them, you know, home bullshit life insurance or trying to sell them some fake gold or something. Next thing you know, an old lady, bro, who knows how to work a phone, she'll send you that freaking top pick, bro.

You know, showing you that freaking bean bag. They're wild, man. Senior citizens, they're just dangerous babies that kind of know what the fuck's going on, but are also really starting to bother everybody. Let's hear more. She said, 80 years old, it's like my grandmother talking to me.

She said, how do you know when a woman's not wearing underwear? Well, grandma, I don't know. She said, well, you look at their shoes for the dandruff. And I was fucking fooled. And yeah, it's about eight years of weird shit like that. look at their shoes for the dandruff. And I was fucking forward. And, uh, yeah, it's about eight years of weird shit like that.

Just old people and soccer moms and introducing me to their kids. It's all very strange. And, uh, I'm not sure what to just go with the flow. I mean, shit. Fuck.

I don't know. Well, Hey, you know, life's, uh, a joy, it's fun, hell yeah. Okay, so that was it, man, look, I appreciate you calling, man, look, I appreciate you calling, hitting the hotline, and being, you know, brave enough to share that. I don't fucking know, bro, life is wild, you you know life has these crazy things that come at us and you know i i think your story to me got wild at the end you know you kind of hanseled and

grettled me there at the end you kind of showed me the woods and then just left me you know standing there with a bag of fucking bird seeds you know and all the birds is trying to fuck or something. And I'm trying to chill out. But, yeah, I don't know what the thing about the daughter, you know, soccer moms, I don't know where that went. But, yeah, senior citizens is wild, man, so be careful out there. But let them tell you their jokes, man. Let them share with you. You know, we don't take care of seniors in our world. And, you know, this does bring up, this is a thing that hits me in my heart.

And I think this is something that we can work on. I think next year somehow is trying to find some time to spend some time with seniors in some way. And enjoy what they have to offer us. Because a lot of cultures do that. In America, somehow we forget about some of that. You know, and I think we'll get infected by it more as other cultures come into America. But, and maybe it's just in my life i'm accusing other people that but there is a there's a big thing where we forget about our old um all right let's hear more take another call hey theo this is ray swims calling out of salt lake city utah i had a comment what's up and i'm

coming to salt Lake this weekend. So I'm grateful, man. We got five shows that are sold out out there. We're doing a single mom. Man, I couldn't be more excited. I couldn't be more excited to come there and just share some and just have people laugh. And that's it.

That's it. We're going to create some good energy there and see what we're going to let that shit loose into the world, baby. Leave the windows open, dog. Because we're filling this big, bad balloon of the universe, this ballooniverse up with some solid laughter and joy. Let's hear more. One of the young gentlemen that says he was getting soft during the frisky time Let's hear more. on that porn. They ain't real looking. All these women don't all have those fake tits,

fake ass, fake lips. It's just a bunch of bullshit to poison our minds. And he needs to get started. It's no shave November and it's also no nut November so we ain't nutting. We're not masturbating.

The only nut you can take or give is when you have sex with your women. And that's all, man. He needs to cut that shit because it feels better to please your ladies than not please your ladies. And jacking off in your hand, it's addicting and it's shit all of us men got to cut. Gang, gang, have a good day, man. Bye. Gang, gang, stay off that handbang.

And we ain't handbangers, dude. This ain't handbangers ball out here. And I appreciate that call. And that's a good suggestion for dude. Look, I'll say this. I've said this is our Vietnam, bro. This is your Mekong Delta. And you want to stay out of it.

This is the, you heard of the dark arts? This is the darkekong Delta. And you want to stay out of it. This is the, you heard of the dark arts? This is the dark parts, baby. And don't keep that thing. Keep it off of your wiener. And that's French for wiener, bro. And keep it off your wiener, man. Masturbation is killing, it's killing us, man. Watching the pornographers is killing us, man.

I mean, it's fun. I'll say that. They got some beautiful people out there doing booty tricks and all of that. And they got girls juggling and eating dirty Skittles and all of that off of each other's crevasses and everything. But what I'm saying is this. It's hurting us. It's hurting us. And it's November, man. I'm going to try to commit to it

dude i look i somebody uh told me that on november 1st somebody sent me a text and i had literally just masturbated at in my hotel room and i just felt so bad i'm like damn man here i am supposed to be taking care of my nuts and everything. And I'm blasting out into my little hand universe, bro. Sad. It's sad. Because you got this virility, man. You got this special spice. And the world, you know, a lot of them, some of the media, some of these fucking lonely, you know, it's a lot of lonely ass people writing articles about how men aren't good you know and it's a lot of like i think there's a lot of lonely women too look there's been a lot

of deviant men out there but there's a lot of lonely women out there who are afraid to admit that they want to be loved by a man and a lot of them have been writing articles and uh just accusing all men or they're not accusing all men, but they're putting out this vibe sometimes that a lot of men are bad, and I don't believe that. I think a lot of men are good, but I do think a lot of men have been poisoned also in not knowing how to treat a woman sometimes, you know, and so we're all in this together. That's what I'm saying. We all have a part in all of it, and men have a big part though in our own because it affects your brain every time you leaking out a little bit of that you know

you know that secret white worm sauce bruh you know that smoky oaky off the chokie you know you out there blasting you know you making fucking little baby say you know, you out there blasting, you know, you making fucking little baby, you know, you know, you making, you know, you just blowing baby salmon butter out there, it's nervous, it's not good, because you need that in your brain, you need that chi, you need that pineapple hit, so, but yeah, I was just embarrassed, man, because I've been doing it, you know, and I just masturbated, I was like, fuck, I'm not going to do this. And then last night, dude, same thing. I thought I wasn't going to masturbate.

I'm literally sitting there thinking, I'm not going to masturbate. And then bam, dude. Like Count Jerkula, bro. That thing just bit me in the neck. And next thing you know i'm out there finning my own dolphin you know just out there huck finning myself just you know just negro gem in my own deal you know what i'm saying bro you know paint my own fence you know two beautiful you know black and white friends out there touching themselves and that's what i just

turned into is bad so but yeah i'm just ashamed you know and then i white friends out there touching themselves. And that's what I just turned into is bad. But yeah, I'm just ashamed. You know, and then I feel ashamed. That's the biggest thing, then I start to feel ashamed. But, and I'm not saying if you're a young buck and you're out there killing deer still in the woods, then you go do it. If you could jerk off and every, I mean,

some of these young guys, they could fucking fill up a tire, a car tire. You know, they got that triple A out the weenie. They pull over and they could fucking, you know, fix a flat off of one splat. Sorry, this is sounding really like a bad comedy album. But you know what I'm saying, man. Some people have that ability and they, but if I do it nowadays, I feel bad. Because I don't want to be doing it man

because i want to keep my chi i want to keep that you know we have to retain what we have because the universe man this tech universe is making all of us you know about two years from now it's going to be crazy to even have a you know still have semen people are going to be you know throwing their semen off of cliffs and stuff it's going going to get weird. So some of us got to hold the line and hold on to that seed. One more call. Still love the show. Gang, gang. Connor from Philadelphia.

What's up, Thomas from Philadelphia? Thank you for calling. I'm going to use you as an example real quick, man. If you guys call, you know, and when you do, I'm grateful that you do. And I do want you to know that this is a safe place to call. And if you call, try and sit upright or something when you talk so I can hear you do. And I do want you to know that this is a safe place to call. And if you call, try and sit upright or something when you talk so I can hear you better. Thanks for calling, Thomas. Any tips and advice you got for us fellow men that are participating in No Nut November?

I wanted to see what your thoughts are on it and if you got any tips for us gang gang well you know I'll say this if you mess up you can recommit you know don't be afraid to recommit just because you mess up doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that it makes you human

you know it makes you human and there's a lot of examples out there that people aren't allowed to mess up. People aren't allowed to say something and explain themselves or talk about it. That ain't the world I live in. And that world is dying off, man. A lot of these people live in this fictional world where they're just accusing, you know, somebody can't share a thought or a feeling, even if they're wrong. And then humble themselves and apologize.

You know, I mean, people are really divided on that lady, Megan Kelly, and I don't get in. This isn't a political thing at all, but you know, she, you know, I don't think what she said was wrong. I think what she said was very progressive in a lot of ways. I don't think what she said was wrong. I think what she said was very progressive in a lot of ways. We can't share our, you know, a child can't, you know,

impersonate a white kid, can't impersonate his favorite black character because of stuff that people who aren't even alive anymore were doing a long time ago to be racist. that people who aren't even alive anymore were doing a long time ago to be racist. It just feels, it feels like what you're teaching that kid there then, then it's just, it's not about connectivity. You know, to me, it just feels, it doesn't feel right. That's the thing. And maybe I don't know exactly what the feelings are, but it doesn't feel right.

And of course, I'm just a white person saying it. I get that. I get that other people might have that point of view. But if I, you know, if I have a daughter or something, she loves a black princess or she loves, you know, native Pocahontas. She can't dress up like her. Because it's. You know, I don't know. And I just don't know if that's the funnest feeling to be, you know, if that's a, you can't be her because she's black.

You can't be her because she's Native American. Now, if somebody's making fun of somebody, yeah, but what's their intent? You know, and then here's the thing about Megyn Kelly. She came out and apologized. And I think the shit with the network and all that and her agency dropped her. I thought that that was lame by her agency to let her go. Trying to save this invisible face and not be... If a black woman says something that they think and they apologize for,

or if a Latino woman says something, they apologize for it, then you listen to their apology. You decide if you think they're sincere. You know, I found that Megyn Kelly was very sincere. You know, you let them share their thoughts, but to not let anybody apologize for a mistake that they made, and maybe it was bigger than that.

But I don't care what color or background or anything someone is. Here's the thing. It's not a sustainable human way for people not to be able to apologize when they make a mistake. What are you teaching children then? What are you teaching? She should know better. Maybe she doesn't know, but you think all adults just fucking know better because they're adults? Are all adults know exactly

what your idea of knowing better is? People have different ideas. What about that? You know, a lot of these, there's a lot of Hollywood that doesn't want to just work with people, that doesn't want to meet humanity where they are, which is human. We're human, man. People make mistakes all the time. And those are great opportunities to learn. These are the things that they taught us. These are the things that I've learned from Hollywood and from growing up and from teaching.

People teaching me stuff. The mistakes are a great opportunity to learn. And then now somebody makes a mistake or what you or what they, you know, and is affront about it and apologizes and tries to be sympathetic or empathetic. I don't know which one.

And they fucking are just chastised. It's just like, man, it's not, it's just not a cool place for anybody to not be able to make a mistake because it's not realistic. That's the thing. It's not realistic.

And I've never held anybody to that standard in my life. You know, and if I ever have, man, I'm sorry. I don't care where they're from or who they are, what color they are, what they're... Like the other day, I was at home and I heard a kid tell a racist joke. Some joke. I didn't think it was cool. And I told him. But I told him why. I said, look, this is why. I don't like hearing that because this is why.

And it was cool. It was cool. But to not have a chance for... And then I listened to the kid and what they thought. They said, well, somebody told me that at school. And I understand, you know, and I understood where they're coming from. That fucking kid might not be racist. That kid has learned something somewhere. But adults should be able to,

everyone should be able to make mistakes or even not make mistakes and be able to explain themselves. You know, but when we live in a world where people can't have a different point of, not even a point of view, but a point of discussion, it's really strange, man. And I'm grateful that we don't live in that place here. And if you ever feel like I'm acting that way or being that way, man, please bring that

up. Hit me on the hotline, 985-664-9503. And in the meantime, I'll be trying not to jerk off, dude, and not be ashamed of myself if I don't. But what tips do I have? That's what you asked about. What tips do I have when it comes to not jerking off? Dude, you got to stay off the electronica at night. Sexting and stuff like that, I think, are being sensual over text or looking at sexy things on text or, you know, even Instagram, looking at tits

or looking at brassieres. You know, I used to Google, you know, rare brassieres and stuff. I'd be doing drugs and you're Googling rare brassieres and, you know, different Roman, you know, archipelago type of, you know, brassieres from the past and all of this shit and, you know, ancient, you know, titty covers and all of that. And next thing you know, I'm busting out to some shit that's 1100 AD. So that's one way to stay off of,

to make it through November. Stay off the electronic sexual, you know, endorsements. Because look, there's a lot of companies out there. They want you to, they're companies, dude. They want you to bust. That's all they are. All this sexual, you know, why are you advertising a women's bathing suit at a man?

And then the next day you're advertising pornography. Because the first day they got you thinking about that. And the second day they got you thinking about that. Okay, that's the first thing. Number two, spend time with people. Don't be alone. If you're alone all the time, nobody's jerking off in front of their friends, right? Except for Louis Anderson or Louis CK.

Sorry. I don't know Louis Anderson that well. But dude, honestly, bro, I'd watch Louis Anderson jerk off. Dude, it seemed like it would be exciting. He's fucking entertaining. I bet he would make a great bit about it. And he's a showman. I mean, anyway, that was kind of, I don't know where I went with that.

But don't be alone. People that's jerking off is alone. That mentality of like being by yourself and being secret and you fucking, you know, dealing up a little batch of hand sauce. That's a lonely event. Spend time with others. Interact with others. You'll feel the joy from others and they'll feel your joy. And you feel a little bit more value to yourself.

And I think when you feel a little bit more value, you might not go on to those types of sites. Third, and most importantly, you can get, there's something I have it on my own phone. I'll show you right now, dude. It is called, like I Google right here. I Google Hotlanta Breast Nudie Babies. Okay, and I got this thing comes up. It's called MOBICIP, M-O-B-I-C-I-P. This content has been restricted for your safety.

This is an advertisement. I don't work for MOBICIP. Okay, another one is called Covenant Eyes. You can put that on your computer. You give password to a friend you know or enemy that's crazy so then they know if you looking up them you know them jerky hitters at night they get a ping on their phone they're you know they might be at a uh you know maybe having a couple waffles or something over there at you know at wally's Waffles and then they get a ping and it's like, oh, Randall is looking up that dark bust.

And you're like, damn. So you don't want that happening. You don't want to be interrupting somebody's digestion with your infection. So you can one way that's called covenant eyes and MOBA sip. Those are two things you can have

and those will keep you from pleas you know, pleasuring yourself. It just is one more line of defense. Because the pleasure yourself, man, you get the idea, and then you have to act on it. And sometimes if you have one more hurdle, even though I hate hurdles, dude, lame sport, jump over something. Put a fucking tiger out there, bro.

You know what I'm saying? Have somebody jump over, you know, 70,000 snails over something, put a fucking tiger out there, bro. You know what I'm saying? Have somebody jump over, you know, 70,000 snails or something, not just a little piece of, you know, pipe or whatever that is. Uh, plexiglass, I don't know what it is, but, but anyway, um, but you have one more hurdle between you and doing that self batch. So, but those are my, my three items, man, and good luck out there. Uh, we have two more calls that came in and, uh, and then we're going to go. Man, I'm so grateful for you guys, and I'm so grateful for you guys just sticking with this podcast and staying with me, man.

I'm learning as I go, and that's what we're doing here. I'm trying to focus on – for me, I need to go back to more meetings and get in more types of environments where – I don't want to feel like I'm talking at people don't want to feel like I'm talking at people. I want to feel like I'm talking with people. And I want to feel like I can hear really good. When I can really hear others, I know that I'm really connected. And so my hearing level has been a little bit wild in the past couple months because my life's been changing, man. You know, my life has been changing. Like, you know, finally after after 15 years, I'm going to places and people are coming out to see my work. It's like I'm living my dreams in some way. And it's scary to think.

And I'll talk about that maybe a little bit more next week because that's making me think about a lot of stuff. Let's take another call. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Sydney in Oklahoma. Thanks for calling, Sydney. Onward. I hear you talk a lot about how you're trying to not masturbate and you don't watch porn. And so I thought that you'd be a really good person to ask this question. I did find out not too long ago that my boyfriend had been watching porn

behind my back um he does know that i am against it for my own personal uh reasons okay so your boyfriend was watching the pornography behind your back and that's really a fun place to watch it i'll be honest it's you know that's makes you but they make it feel more secretive you know he can't be that front yard if i can have that screen light up his face in the front yard. And they got two raccoons behind him doing also doing it, you know, touching himself and looking at them, you know, human breasts. When I found out, I did freak out a little bit. And I, you know, got really mad at him. It didn't go well.

It wasn't an open conversation. And I did find out that that did cause him to further hide it from me and yeah and that's shame you know and we feel ashamed if we get busted for it a little bit and then it's still the only thing that we know how to do to make ourselves feel good sometimes and so we keep doing it onward still partaking in the porn so i guess my question is just like how do i address this and let me hear that in part again because i think i missed something a little bit partaking in the porn so i guess my question is just like how do i address this in a way that it's going to create an open conversation and maybe just like help our relationship a little bit more. I love him so much and it's something that I'm willing to work with him on.

I just don't know where to start and I don't want him to close down whenever I do try to address this subject. If there are guys that have some advice as well, I'd really love to hear it because I'm a little bit at a loss, but you know, it's something that I'm willing to work on. Okay. And I appreciate you calling. I mean, it cuts you off there, but I just, you know, it's something that I'm willing to work on. Okay, and I appreciate you calling. I didn't mean to cut you off there, but I just, you know, the episode has been long for everyone, and I appreciate what you're saying there.

And I don't want to lose my thought that I can, you know, that I can share my experience and my strength and hope with you from that. You know, it's nice that you care. It's nice that you want to know how to present it to them because presentation is everything. You know, if you present somebody to, you know, if you go at something, you know, it's nice that you care. It's nice that you want to know how to present it to them because presentation is everything. You know, if you present somebody to, you know, if you go at something, you know, it's like if you show up with your, you know, presentation is everything. You can be angry, but you can show up with your hand open. Man, that is power. To be angry and show up with your hand open instead of closed, bro, that's power to be angry and show up with your hand open

instead of closed bro that's power and with the open hand you can get you can get something and what you can get is somewhere you can get somewhere when you show up like this everybody can you know

and I'm sick of there's this vibe out there that only some people need to show up open-handed no everybody needs to show up open-handed but with your you know that I love the fact that you want to know how to approach him and you know yeah it's shut down it's a shameful thing and we do it and I and I say we because I've done this and I do it you know it's a form of self-pleasure in a form of self-soothing. I do it. It soothes myself.

It makes me feel okay. It's one way that I can make myself feel good immediately. For me, those are a lot of feelings. I never felt good growing up, and so that's a way that I can. It's almost at this point become a fake. It's almost become a drug. It's like a jewel. I'm just hitting my jewel, you know. Getting that you know, this is such a tacky term but that nicotine, you know. I'm getting that feeling that I'm getting that

that up hit that makes me feel good. And that's what he's doing you know. And there's probably some addiction to it. And if you don't like it That makes me feel good. And I think for you, you got to make your own decision. What do you want to do? You know, do you want to stay there? Do you want to move separately? And that might not be what you're looking for. You're just looking at how to present it to him. But if it is affecting you guys' sex life, you know, ask him what he really wants. You know, he might be afraid to talk about something sexually with you. My problems have been if I'm in love with a woman, I have a very tough time marrying someone that I really care about and someone that I'm able to have sex with

you know and there's they call that the Madonna whore complex there's a lot of different series of thoughts around it and you know and that's one of the things I go to therapy about sometimes trying to figure out for myself and get into some of that but even with therapy some of it's just practice

and doing a practice with your partner. And so you got to ask, you got to ask some, hey, why don't we not watch it together, and look, and let's talk, and let's share. What do you like, what pornography do you like? Have him sit and tell you. It's going to be really uncomfortable maybe, but he'll be sharing.

And I only say that because when I've been asked that, I have a tough time even talking about that kind of stuff because it makes me feel like ashamed of myself, I guess, if I share like even sexual type of thoughts and stuff. And I don't know where some of that comes from. You know, it's like I'll be like perverted on one side of my head, but afraid to even like, you know, but like embarrassed to even talk about sex on the other side of my head. And maybe that's just whatever affliction is the same. I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe that's just who I am. And maybe that's just how I'll always be. I don't always want to fight everything that I am. But for him, I would ask him if there's ways that we could spend time together so you're not watching this. And how it makes you feel that he watches it. And make sure you know why you feel that way too. Not just I don't want you watching, but how it makes you feel.

And then it might help him to be able to know that by not watching it, he's caring about you. So maybe if you can present it to him, presentation again, that that could really be something that could help him. Like, oh, wow. So then he doesn't think, oh, I'm not, you know, by not being addicted or watching it, then I'm actually doing something positive for my girlfriend. Because it's a powerful thing.

This shit is powerful. And I'm glad that you're on the front lines of trying to help him figure it out. I don't know if that was helpful or not. also, there's also, you can go to Sex Addicts, S-L-A-A, Sex and Love Addiction. You could ask him to go to that.

And go to some of those meetings and talk about it. Or just get some of the literature off the internet. And we'll put the link below in the episode so you can see that kind of stuff. A lot of men going to that thing. And sex addiction doesn't mean you're fucking running around town and you, you know, you're trying to ride every pony even when the fairs close down. You jump into carnival gates to fucking get on top of this fake zebra or something. You jump into carnival gates to fucking get on top of this fake zebra or something.

It means that sometimes you emotionally, you just seek out comfort. You know, you seek out comfort from people. Constant, constant comfort. And for me, you know, I've struggled with some of that because I didn't have a lot of comfort as a child. I grew up in a very uncomfortable environment. And I just never felt any comfort. And so I would go for the first place I could get it. It's like sugar, you know, anything emotional that makes me feel good or joy from another woman. And so a lot of times that would be, you know, when you're young, it's comfort. As you get a little older, it's sexual. And then when pornography comes, it's just that you can get the sexual all the time

and you get right there and you're just standing on the ledge just jerking off into oblivion. You don't even realize you're doing it. Anyway, that's just some of my thoughts. I don't know if any of that helped, but it's nice that you love your man enough and you're thinking about him.

But with that said, we got one more call that came in man and onward hey Theo man I just wanted to call in I'm just just a regular Joe here fucking whipping that FedEx

truck waiting on my pickups and FedEx man and I applaud you guys you guys are Santas you guys are Santa and I won't tell the kiddies but you guys are Santa and y'all are doing a great job and I think y guys. You guys are Santas. You guys are Santa. And I won't tell the kiddies but you guys are Santa. And y'all are doing a great job. And I think y'all should do an airline. Dude some of these airlines are so

shitty. Spirit. You gotta. Dude. You don't even make it. You show up just you know the idea of you shows up somewhere. Just the ghost of you showing up half of these joints. FedEx you guys should do an airline. Overnight airline overnight bro if you guaranteed me i'd get there tomorrow fuck for me 90 bucks i'm good enough dude i'll jump on your standing room only on a fedex dude a little bit of cigarette area in the

back right onward i'll just listen to your podcast and i've heard every one of them man i've called in a few different times and i just uh listened to that one about that gentleman in Maine that called and said that his wife of 12 years had just tragically passed away, man, and that hit me right in the feels, boy. I mean, I'm still cracking up right now a little bit. I'm breaking up trying to get my words out just to even talk about it. It wasn't even me, man. But yeah, to hear that you're, you know, bringing some light to his day.

And I mean, it makes my problems feel so dismal. It makes me feel like a fucking, like a fucking Muppet out here, bro. Getting, I'm emo nemo right now over my little basic ass problems, and, you know, I hear his problem I couldn't imagine, and, man, it's just, it's real touching, and this isn't the only time that you got me fucking tearing up out here, boy, on your podcast over people's calls and what you are able to do for people, and, man, just keep spreading that love, and, man, it's truly awesome what you're doing. I just can't emphasize it enough

that you are making a change in people's lives, man. Love you, bro. Keep it up. Gang, man. I appreciate that. That's nice of you to say. Yeah, man, it's funny because your call, I've been joking around a lot in this episode. And your call really just kind of reset me into a place that I really, that I think I've been longing to be in for a while now with this, you know, on this podcast sometimes.

You know, a place that I miss and a place of just being, you know, just sharing feelings. You know, and sometimes with this podcast, I've gotten in a place where I feel like I need to entertain and not just be. And, you know, we live and we learn, and I'm glad to be on this slope. But, yeah, man, you know, that's special that you care, dude. And, you know, you're out there, now you're delivering,

you know, you're tearing up onto those packages. You're out there. Now you're delivering. You're tearing up onto those packages. You got me thinking about these beautiful wet boxes being delivered around the universe by FedEx. They should charge it. Dude, that should be an extra $80. The driver washes the packages in his own tears. Emotions. Sorry.

You don't sound like a cry guy to me at all and it's okay if you drip a little you know every guy we i'm dude i don't cry much but i'll be a little drizzle bear you know what i'm saying and that's sweet of you dude it's nice because you know what it shows man when you can feel that way dude or for me you know what i've learned man and this is something i learned through aa and going to these programs and stuff. I could never feel anything as a kid. And things would happen and I'd have no feelings. And now when I can feel something, man,

and it just shows me, it makes me realize how much I can care about people. And that's, and then it blows my own mind. You know, and so you, you know, you, and by you calling this a week later now, I'm listening to this, and now I'm thinking about it, and you got me tearing up thinking about this, about just what it's like for people to care about each other, and to care.

I got an email from that gentleman yesterday, and he said to give him a call, and I'm going to wait. I think some other calls came in about the man that had lost his wife you know and i you know and i don't know sometimes like you know uh i get scared about making the podcast like too much about like sentimental stuff or not enough about funny stuff or whatever. But whatever, man. You know, I don't want to be thinking about that anymore. Because this is something that's cool, you know. I like this.

You know, I like being able to be here for a moment where, you know, you care. And now you're taking some care out into the world. And so now you're, and dude, you're a fucking, you're a damn care bear. You're delivering. Now, whatever you're delivering, who cares whatever it is, you know, Zappos or, you know, baby refrigerators or something like that, or little, you know, maybe some, you know, stone dolphins or something, or little, you know, plastic bird baths or something that do the music. You're delivering all these things,

but now you're showing up with care. You know, now you're showing up. Now you're going to look at some man, you know, you're going to look at some man. Now you're walking down the street and some man, you see a guy's wife. It's a wife you deliver to now. The husband's working or something. She's pregnant or something. You're going to look at her differently. Your energy is going to be different when you approach her.

Because you heard about this man that lost his wife. And that's one thing, man, that I like, you know, that's what I like to be able to think about this stuff, and I'm glad you made me, you know, you kind of brought this shit back up and made me think about it, you know, because I want to be, I want to get all there is out of life, man, as fucking lame as that sounds to say, so many people say all this shit, they want all this money, and people want to, you know, be juggling diamonds on their dick and doing all of that and feeding fucking diamonds to little you know dolphins that are you know fucking you know handicapped otters and shit like that i want to just feel what it is man i want to hike these himalayas inside of myself and i don't i want to stay out

of my own ego and yeah dude it's amazing man's amazing, man, when somebody can care, bro. When you feel how much you can care for somebody else, that man hit you. You know something about his story. You know you heard his story and you're like, man, that guy cares about his wife. Here's what it did for me. That guy cares about his wife so much, you know much that I wish somebody would care about me that way. And that I wish I would be able to care about. I hope that one day I could care about somebody as much.

Am I brave enough to care about somebody as much as that man? As much as it sounds like he cared about his wife. You know, as much as it sounds like he cared about his wife. You know, or am I just going to give in to these dark arts all the time? And I don't know. Sometimes I don't know, honestly, if I really answer honestly. I don't know sometimes, you know, if I'm strong enough to, you know, get to the promised land that I know is inside of my heart. But I know that I'm going to try, bro.

I know that. I want to thank everybody for calling, man. You got me leaking out the face, man. So I email, dude, I'm Dory, you know, or whatever the other fucking little fish name is, the fucking little handicapped trout on that one, you know, that fucking, you know, that, you know, that fidgety mackerel or something, the one that gots the, you know, on the other one, but here we are, bro, and look, dude, you know what, I'm, I got that, that, that, that skeet out of my face bro

no nut November dude I'm bringing it out the eyeballs if I got to but I'm grateful man I'm grateful that we are in a place where men and women can communicate here we're out here on the front lines we want our feelings to be alive we want to live life we're trying we're laughing we're not giving up on humanity you know we're trying to be understanding of people no matter who they are what color they are

what gender they are you know even though I still look if I'm watching a woman try to park bruh don't even pretend I ain't laughing out of my fucking eyeballs dude don't even pretend I ain't laughing out of my fucking eyeballs, dude. Don't even pretend it. But thank you, man. Thank you, everybody that called. And we're going to keep Parallel Park and this podcast into a comfortable place where we can all be. And sometimes an uncomfortable place.

You know, anyway, I've been rambling. I've taken up enough of your time but I'm grateful to you guys and I love you and I'm happy to be here and yeah look we got a lot to be thankful for it's Thanksgiving it's no nut November we get the mission continues

we keep moving along dude this is a beautiful time of year this is a beautiful time of year somebody's coming at you harking about business and all that you tell them, man, fuck.

You got two teaspoons of your wife's casserole in your jaw. You got your little niece or nephew fully clothed on your arm or in your hands. You're feeling good. There's a lot of beauty in the world.

Look at that. You guys be good to yourselves, man. You guys deserve it. And I'm going to try to do the same thing for me this week. And we'll meet up here next week. I think we're going to have a Thursday episode this week of a guest. But I don't know yet. And I'm going to try to take good care of myself.

I'm going to go to some meetings. And I'm going to get myself into a place where I just feel better. I've just been feeling irrational all over the place. But life's been changing some. But I'm grateful. And I'm glad you guys are still here. Have a good day, man. Be good to yourselves.

Somebody told me that. He was leaving the comedy show the other night. He said, hey, man, be good to yourself. You know you probably deserve it. We had some brothers that came out. Father and son. A dad brought his son from Rochester. He just turned 19 years old, you know, and, uh, and it was special, man. And maybe, you know, I'm looking at the dad and his son is right there. And his son was so excited. And I gave his son, I think a t-shirt or something,

you know, one of the t-shirts were coming out and yeah. And it's like, I, you know, one of the t-shirts were coming out. And, yeah, and it's like, you know, my dad never got to do anything like that for me. My dad never even got to see me tell a joke, you know. And, but I get to live vicariously through their moment. You know, through this dad and his son, you could tell they're just, you know, that they care about each other. And I get to live, like, I get one moment with my dad right there through those two guys. I get that because he did it. You know, because the dad said it or the son said it, whatever.

The dad recognized the son. My son loves this. I'm going to go do this with him. Then I see it. I'm there. Right? I'm fucking there. I'm the fucking, you know, riddle pony. I'm there right I'm fucking there I'm the fucking you know riddle pony I'm the dude schlepping these freaking dirty riddles around and I see it and they're like they're so excited you know

he's telling me I'm his son's favorite comedian or one of he included a couple of other guys who were great so I respect his son's point of view comedically. But they don't realize what they did for me. I get one moment of a moment I never had with my dad. I get that through them.

I get to see that. I get to see that. Whether my dad did that through the heavens inside of me or, you know, my higher power did that. He wants to show me that like, hey, you know, like, you know, your dad's not alive, but you can still feel the same exact feeling you would have with your father. My higher power saying, hey, I can show you that feeling right here with two other people. So it almost has double beauty. Because now, not only do I get to feel it, but I get to see somebody else have it. You know?

So I get to like, I don't know, I can't explain myself fully. But that's okay. I never have been able to. That's a good song. I'm just sitting on your front porch Wondering how could I be so far from my home Oh yeah

And my mind is somewhere else from my home. Oh, yeah. And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown. Thank you guys so much, man. I really needed this today. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be Cornerstone

Oh But when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it In my bones I know But it's gonna take A little time

For me to Set that parking brake and let myself all mine. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my story. Shine on me. And I will find a song I will sing just for you. I've been moving way too fast. Let's keep it going. That's Bishop Gunn, I'm telling you right now.

And these roads that I've been riding on, they're worn so thin that they're damn near gone. I guess now they just weren't better than last. I just want to, I just want to live a life worthwhile. Don't you feel that sometimes, man?

That's how I feel. You know, I just want to live a life worthwhile. Don't you feel that sometimes, man? That's how I feel. You know, I just want to just give myself the comfort I know I've always really, really wanted. You know, I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'm talking about. Sing it, Travis. That's Bishop Gunn, ladies and gentlemen. It's okay to love him.

Man, that man is fucking damn beautiful, bro. Shine on me. If you look at him from certain angles, he looks like a woman. And I will find a song. I will sing it just for you. We got this, guys. Don't be afraid if you feel good. Don't be afraid to take that fucking feeling into work. Don't be afraid to take that feeling into your family.

Too many days in this world we feel good and we're afraid to take it out into the world. We're ashamed of fucking feeling good, i don't i don't want that i don't and i'm not yelling at you i'm yelling at me i'm tired of feeling that way i'm tired of getting all excited in my car when i hear that bishop gun and then i get out and put on this different face for the world. Let them feel the envy. Let them get on board. Why does that man feel good? I want to know why. You know, I want to know why.

You guys be good to yourselves, man. You probably deserve it. I love you. And thank you so much. Maybe this is the most selfish episode I've ever made. But, you know, sometimes you got to take one for the team, dude. Even if you, even if you're the only one that's playing, I don't know. I just got a lot out of this one. Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan kite and welcome to kite club,

a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, standup stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean?

I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.