This Past Weekend - San Fran Sleepwalkers | This Past Weekend #101

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

Support Our Sponsors Do you have Herpes or just a fancy group of sores? https://herpalert.com/ Ridge Wallet https://www.ridgewallet.com/theo Use code “theo” for 10% off your order Greyblock Pizza https://www.greyblockpizza.com http://bit.ly/Modrats ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music “Celebrate” by Spencer Jacob Grau Band https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRfasFYePJo&list=PLrE68_m7lhTj8VxvABbcwXF4UQL8vYPBG&t=0s&index=2 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theo Von/This Past Weekend Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ https://www.instagram.com/thispastwee... Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thisp... Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ ————————————————————————————————————————————————————— AfGuntistan: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Austin Kehler Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Joe Tromm Ken Melvin Troy Cosmas Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Liimes Alexis Caniglia Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Benv Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Lorell “Loretta†Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. What's up, guys? Upcoming dates, I'll be at Cherokee Casino this coming weekend in West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma, and that's already sold out. Then I'll be at Yuck Yucks in Calgary June 15th and 16th, Canada. June 23rd, Timbler Brewing,

Bakersfield. June 29th, the Paramount Theater, and that's in rural Stark County, Illinois. June 6th through 8th in Oxnard, California at Levity Live. July 20th through 22nd, Charlie Good Nights in Raleigh, August 16th through the 18th, The Laugh Factory in Chicago,

September 14th and 15th, Zany's in Nashville. Just added, Toronto, the Just for Laughs Festival, September 27th through the 30th. You have to buy the pass, and then you have to choose me as one of your artists. I would appreciate any support we can get there. After that, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin and Buffalo, New York. I'll give you those dates soon, but they're on the website. All tickets at theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R. Do you have a cold sore or let's be frank with each other. Do you have herpes? Well, it's much more common than you think. People have it.

Who has it? People. Animals might have it. I don't know if animals, you know, if they get down like we do. But it is treatable. Many people don't realize that for the treatment to be effective, you've got to start taking medication within the first 12 hours of experiencing symptoms. Well, they got a new thing out there and it's called Herp Alert. And Herp Alert is the first telehealth application that offers diagnosis and treatment for the herpes simplex virus. That's right. It's 100% secure, confidential, and encrypted. It's HerpAlert.

It connects patients with physicians to address their cold, sore, and herpes needs. Here's how it works. You complete an online questionnaire, upload pictures, select your pharmacy, and pay a one-time fee. That's right. Go to herpalert.com, H-E-R-P-A-L-E-R-T dot com. All right. Let's see what we can do here. All right. Celebrate living. Celebrate living Celebrate misery You know that soon we're gonna die

Let's have some fun while we all die I know that's a little bit of a dark tune right there, but that is the Spencer Jacob Growl Band, and that is their song Celebrate. And Spencer gave us that song to use right when the podcast started. And I want to thank everybody for the support. You know, we've been doing,

people have been listening and tuning in. I'm coming to you live. If this sounds weird or this is, you know, sounds different than usual, I am. Dude, I got this ramshackle set up here at this hotel in San Francisco. I'm here this weekend, and I've been performing at Clusterfest. And Clusterfest, speaking of cluster, that sounds like something you might want to get checked out on Herp Alert. But Herp Alert is a real thing.

If you got to get that, you know, if you find you got a lot of, you're looking splotchy or your cousin all of a sudden looks like a leopard, he's got that leopard neck because he's been out, you know, test driving locals with his tongue and, you know, putting things in his mouth and being wild and being frisky and letting the springtime fever just tempt him and tempt him to be naughty or her to be naughty. Because everybody can get it. If you get in that splotchy-otchy, then you can go on a herp alert and check it out. And you can get it diagnosed. I'm not going to know.

Nobody's going to know that's between you and your doctor. But sometimes you get that itch. You're like, what is that? You know, I got a group of moles that showed up. That seems extensive. But that could be herp alert. That could be herp. That herp, herp, herp.

They had a dude live by me growing up named Herbie. And when you think about Herbie, it's about as close to herpy as you can get. And Herbie, this dude, I remember he wanted to be tall so bad. And he couldn't be tall because God didn't want him to be tall. And whoever, you know,

his grandparents or whatever, whoever did sex and made him, they were small. And when small people fuck, let's be honest, there's nothing wrong with it. Everybody can fuck no matter, I think as long as you're like three feet tall, you can fuck. But the odds of you getting something real long out of small sex are limited. The odds of that are kind of limited. And then this boy Herbie always wanted to be taller,

but he was just a basic-heighted man, and he would comb his hair up real high, and he would wear these tall, tall shoes. And the shoes were probably three-inch heels, but they were full flats know flats they were three inch flats and i mean he he never looked tall he looked like a he looked like a short person stuck between some heels and really combed high hair that's what he looked like somebody that was like he had book ends the heels and the hair and he never made it it real tall. And that man's name was Herbie.

And he played with us in the neighborhood sometimes. And he was natural. He didn't do anything wild. Even though sometimes people want to be wild, he didn't do anything like that. But thank you guys for being here with me today. You know, I just got a limited setup out here. And I've been out here at Clusterfest in San Francisco.

And this city is, man, this is the most diverse place maybe I've ever been outside of San Jose, California. You can't, even if you wanted to be racist, you couldn't, you can't tell what anybody is. You couldn't be racist really if you really wanted to. Because you couldn't narrow, man, you could not narrow it down. You know, if you want to get un-racist, this is a place to come because it's just so, and everybody's gender neutral and gender fluid and double gender. And, you know, people got, you know, people have, they might have a penis,

but they got vaginas tattooed all around their penis and they got every, it's a real, I mean, it's full throttle. It's full throttle up here when it comes to diversity. But thank you guys for tuning in. Man, I had a lot that happened uh this this weekend i want to

thank everybody too for you know we hit 100 episodes last week and i don't know if i want to get into it because the voicemails and stuff you know i'm running off of just my own laptop and i don't have my producers here you know not that i need my producers to help but i i don't want to electrocute myself because some of this equipment looks pretty randy. This shit seems pretty, you know, just a little bit randy to me. So can you guys hear me better? Is that better?

Sorry. You know, I had, I'll tell you this. Listen to what happened to me last night. So last night, you know, I'm feeling like I'm feeling it's late at night. So last night, you know, I'm feeling like I'm feeling it's late at night. And sometimes at night for me, my crotch starts to think. And it starts thinking about, you know, other crotch, you know, the other kind of crotch. And so that's kind of happening to me a little bit, just natural because i'm here by myself and you know i had a um i had a uh smoothie and so

i tried to drink that because that's not like you know a smoothie is not like a vagina but it's like pouring a vagina down your throat a little bit so i had a smoothie hoping that would take the edge off of my you know my my wiener trying to be you know trying to be fancy and trying to look out the window. Because I got that kind of dick. I'll be laying in bed and then I'll see my dick over there looking out the blinds. Like, damn, my dick trying to be around town. And so anyhow, I was feeling kind of depressed actually. And I'll tell you what happened next and I'll tell you what happened next.

I'll tell you what happened next. But first, yeah, I'm feeling kind of depressed. I woke up, fell asleep. I woke up, it's like 3.30 in the morning, and I went downstairs to smoke a cigarette and hadn't been having any cigarettes, man, because I didn't want any. And I hadn't had any for three days.

Man, I was feeling so proud of myself because that's the hardest thing to do. I don't care. You know, I know some people have been prisoners of war and stuff like that. And that shit, I'm sure, I'm sure it's tricky, you know, being locked up for months or years even and stuff like that. But also what is tricky is quitting cigarettes and getting that nicotine just expunged from your body. And I'll do anything, man. You know, I was doing all kinds of stuff to not be around it.

I was doing deep breathing, like kind of Lamaze. If you do like Lamaze, people don't realize this, it's for pregnant ladies to help them get a baby out of their, you know, their, that front booty, that puss. But it also will help you if you're having a craving for a cigarette, you know, Lamaze is powerful. People don't use Lamaze as much as they should. I mean, you could be in traffic and do some fucking, and that, and it will help you. Lamaze, underestimated. But anyhow, i wake up 3 30 i went downstairs to have a cigarette and and when i left out of my room out of my hotel room

they had a girl in the hallway bouncing around this some little muppet this tattooed you know i mean she was like a damn neanderthal or Neanderthala or Thalus, a Neanderthalstress. She was just bouncing around like a ping pong ball in the hallway. And I saw her and I walked by her and I said, are you okay, ma'am? And she just kind of mumbled something. And then I thought, oh, she might be drunk. But then I also thought she might be sleepwalking. Because people do all kinds of stuff in their sleep.

People don't realize that. You know, I had an uncle who used to jerk off in his sleep. And they made him wear these jingle bells on his wrists to shut him down. You know, and some nights we'd hear him in the other room. You know what I'm saying. Dashing through the snow. And that was, and it wasn't even a seasonal thing. And it's kind of scary when you're thinking about, you know, you wake up out of a cold sleep,

and you hear jingle bells, and you think it's Christmas, but then it's just, you know, it's somebody in the family jagging out, you know, spraying out in their sleep. So it's hard to hold that against them, you know, because it's kind of pedophilia behavior to be masturbating and knowing that there's children in the next room. But if you're doing it in your sleep, then who's to blame there? You know, your subconscious, you know, I mean, that is, that's really second level dark arts there. So anyhow, anyhow, I got up, the girl's in the hallway she was bouncing around i thought she

was maybe just walking and just walking around in her sleep in the hallways and they say don't don't wake somebody up if they're sleepwalking or whatever because they might i don't know why they say that actually yeah why do they say that don't wake them up you might scare them yeah well you know what also might scare them that they're fucking walking around in the middle of nowhere that's scary that's kind of the dumbest rule don't wake somebody up if they're walking around in their sleep here's my new rule fucking wake them up and tell them hey jackass shut it down or i will get a damn um you, one of those blow dart guns or whatever they used to, you know, when monkeys get out on television and some man shows up and shoots it and it falls off

the power lines, but it's going to wake up later and be in like a safety cage. I'll get one of those weapons. Anyhow, I go downstairs and I have this cigarette and they got a, you know, And I have this cigarette. And they got a, you know, San Francisco, this place has mastered the art of homelessness. I mean, they have, and I think part of it is it's so expensive to live here. You could be a regular person here with a regular job and you're fucking, you are homeless. You know, you are sans casa. So I go down there, I have have my cigarette i come back up this girl is walking the same way down the hallway that i am when i'm walking back to my room it's 4 a.m

she's right up on me and i said ma'am are you okay she's like yeah she was kind of a bitch to be honest and i'm not saying she was a bitch as a woman i I'm not calling a woman a bitch. I'm saying this bitch was acting like one. And I put my key in the door. She comes right in my room, like beelines kind of right in like a really fast sleepwalker, like somebody that's sleep running now, like running in their sleep, bro. Like the nocturnal Carl Lewis, you know, what the fuck that's dangerous. But you know, they say you're still not supposed to wake them up because you might scare them.

So, and she doesn't have shoes on and she wasn't homeless looking. This lady looked, you know, she was a bit of kind of a frumpkin. You know, she was that. She looked kind of like a, like kind of a, like a little bit of a marshmallow meatball.

And she rolls in. She had a couple tats and shit. She gets straight into my bed and lays down, puts the covers on her. And I'm like, damn, this Nismianch is Goldilocksing. She's out here Goldilocksing, man. So I get alarmed, right? Because this is, dude, this is me too central here. This is San Francisco. They're waiting for some dude to jerk off of a balcony or something. It lands on a lady's shoulder. Next thing you know, she's suing.

So it's, you know, everybody's busted up around here, but he's upset and fired up and looking to, you know, they're hanging libidos from every street lamp, male libidos. So I prop my door open now because I don't want my door closed. I don't want there to be any, you know, miscommunication. I don't know this woman. She's laying in my bed. So I said, ma'am, and I'm saying ma'am because I don't want there to be any. If somebody overhears something, I don't want anybody hearing. Girl.

Anything that sounds wild. Anything that's going to get daddy locked up. Or get my dick or nuts locked up. So I start saying you got to go. You got to go. And she looks up and she's like don't be mean. And then lays back down. Don't be mean.

I'm not being mean. This is my room. You know. Don't be mean. I'm not being mean. This is my room. You know? You're squatting. So she keeps being mean. She keeps saying stuff. And I'm like, you need to go. She's like, pah.

Pah. Pah. You know? Like, I'm not good. Like, pah. Like, leave me alone. So I'm thinking, well, man, I'm going to call the front desk. And here's the thing.

But if I call the front desk, then I'm thinking they come upstairs. Are they going to believe just me? Are they going to believe some man that there's a girl in his room? He doesn't know who she is. What if she wakes up and says, I did something? That's all she has to do is wake up and say he did, he tried. And then I'm in trouble. Man, I was like, I was scared. And then I was going to make a video and I'm like, but then I'm thinking, well, if I put this video up, what if she doesn't like the video? You know, what if

she sees it? She gets upset at it. Then she could accuse me of something just to make herself feel better. So finally I went over there and shook them. I know you're not supposed to wake these people up if they're sleepwalking. But I don't give a fuck. At this point, this lady is sleep trespassing. You know, I don't even know who she's working for. If she's working for, you know, the devil, I don't know what she's doing. You know, she has narcolepsy.

When I was in junior high, we had this librarian. And he was a beautiful, kind of mixed gentleman. He said he was French. And he might have been. Who fucking knows, dude. Nobody listened to the librarian. But he, this man, Pierre Fabre. And Pierre Fabre would

fall asleep. And he would like be teaching us about the Dewey Dance. And he'd fall asleep and he would like be teaching us about the Dewey dance and he'd fall asleep with his mouth open and he looked like a little sugar donut you know he was um you know he had that beautiful French color kind of a you know a beige and I said you know I'm all about beige power he had that beige that beige tint you know that black and white kind of, that Ronda Jean, that mix going on side of him. And he would just, he would be like, oh, you guys need to re, and he would fall asleep with his mouth open. So then us kids, we would try to shoot spitballs into his mouth while he was asleep. Anyhow, finally I get this girl up and I walk her walk her out, I tell her she has to leave,

I kind of walk her out into the hallway, close the door, and she's gone, and I lay down, say a little prayer, because I don't want to get in any trouble, and I didn't do anything, and then like 30 seconds later, I hear her arguing with somebody. Like two doors over. I'm sure she just went to the next door and tried to get in there. But I'm guessing she didn't have any shoes on and she didn't have dirty feet. So I'm thinking that she probably, if I had to guess, she was sleeping in a room. She got up to urinate. And that's normal or natural.

You should never feel ashamed about that. And then she got stuck. and that's normal or natural. You should never feel ashamed about that. And then she got stuck. She went out the door of the hotel room into the hall instead of going to the bathroom and then she got lost and confused. But man, that had me, you know,

first of all, if I was a straight pervert, dude, I could have, you know, there are some guys that would have acted out, you know, that would have ruffled them feathers, that would have tried to fuck that goose. You feel me? So I was thankful at that moment that I wasn't just a straight pervert or a straight, you know, I was just because you don't know sometimes until you get in a position. Let's be honest. You know, I can tell you right now.

I would never do this. I would never do that. I would never do that. I would never do that. But you don't know. You say you don't steal. But what if there's a million dollars suddenly just sitting somewhere next to you? It's like you just don't know sometimes what you're going to do until you're there. But I was glad that I didn't have that dark artist inside of me that sponged, you know, that flared up and popped, you know, popped cock or something,

went at this girl or tried to, you know, even just touch a titty or something like that. And she, you know, she was kind of, she didn't really take care of herself. Like, I don't mind, like, I don't mind, you know, some strong, I don't mind some gristle. But she had that just, she was real floppy disc. And I like a little bit more of a hard drive. I don't mind some gristle, but she had that just, she was real floppy disc. And I like a little bit more of a hard drive. I don't mind that gristle. You know, I don't mind that, you know, I don't mind, uh, you know, these skinny gals sometimes like making love to a can of pickup sticks, you know, it's like kind of putting your, uh, penis in a pillowcase full of deer antlers. You know, I like a girl that's got a little bit of that, you know, a little harumph to her.

So that was something wild that happened. What else? Outside of that, I just had kind of a crazy weekend here, man. I had a couple of sets I got to open up for Jim Jeffries, and that was magical. With him and Forrest Shaw, who's one of the writers on the Jim Jeffries show, and I got to work with them. And there's 5,000 people in this venue. And so, man, you walk out and, dude, it feels, what did it feel like?

And it felt, I didn't feel special, you know, because I feel a responsibility. I feel, you know, my responsibility is to entertain, is to make these people feel some kind of joy or make them laugh or make them you know make them feel something good so I felt you know here's what I felt I didn't feel super nervous so I felt like I could do my job and so then I felt I felt grateful I felt good I felt good that, man, I'm so glad I don't feel nervous right now so that I can do my job well. Because, you know, seven years ago or something, I get a, you know, I do a big theater or get out. I would have been way more nervous. And so it's nice. It's nice to not have that.

Those nerves just, you know, just nerves. For me, nerves are like these little bitty reminders all over. Like it's like these little reminders just hanging off of your soul and your brain. And they just remind you that maybe you can't. That's what my nerves are like. And I don't like feeling that. Maybe you can't. Maybe you can't. Maybe you can't maybe you can't maybe you

can't they're like these little like just ornaments on my on my if my soul was a tree and they were little ornaments but they're they're they're they're they're mean ornaments and they just all just have maybe you can't written on the ornament and that's what it feels like a lot of times when i get nerves but i was happy to not have them. Then fast forward, I did a show outside, and I won't do this again. Dude, it was outside. It's in front of like the Capitol or something in San Francisco. I don't know, and I had to go first,

and I told my manager I don't do well going first because the first person has to warm the crowd up. And that's not my strong suit. You know, some things people are good at. Like if you play baseball, you might, you know, some people are good at batting. Some people are good at second base pitcher. Some people good at outfield. Some people are good at coaching. Some people are good at coaching. Some people are good at just standing off to the side of third base,

scratching their crotch when other people run by. But one thing that I'm not good at is starting out the show because it's like you got to get everybody warmed up and excited. I'm more of a little bit more i feel like a relief pitcher i'm not a close i'm a close i'll fucking close but i'm just i can't work that first inning i don't do it very well and man i had to get out there and dude it was it's like 9 000 people and they were not feeling me. And it was just one of those sets. Sometimes you have a set and it ain't. Man, it just. Dude, it's almost like your brain wants to leave so bad.

It's almost really gone. But your body is still out there. You almost feel like a mime because you're still doing all this stuff, getting no reaction from 9,000 people. I heard, or this might have been my imagination,

but I thought I could hear somebody sneeze about 200 yards away. That's how bad I felt like it was going. And, you know, people had warned me. They're like, look, you can't hear laughter outside, you know, especially in these environments because it just goes up into the air. There's nothing to keep things around. But, man, I felt just shattered. And that's kind of this business.

It's like you can have a high and then a low. I mean, I was coming off the high of being in this theater. There's 5,000 people in there, and everybody had fun. And they were, you know, it's almost as if I was talking to one person, and I was feeling that joy. And then you get up there, and that joy just, you know, just like two MS-13ers show up and just treat that joy like a dog. Then the worst part for me, I got off stage,

and they had like this, there's nobody back there. Suddenly when I got off stage, when I got on, a bunch of people were back there mangling, people having cocktails, somebody got a new dress. People are chatting, everything. And then I get off, and off and suddenly nobody's back there. It looked like all the real estate was for lease suddenly. Then I'm standing by myself. Do you ever see

one of those little whirling dervish things? You ever see a little wind tunnel start up? In the middle, you'll just be walking down the street and suddenly a bunch of trash will start hanging out with each other in a circle. Like it's a big gang bang for like trash and dirt. Like it's all just fucking real fast in the air before anybody catches it. Suddenly one of those kicked up right on me. Like around my feet and around, like I was pig pen from, like I was, uh, like I was pig pen from that show. So that, that was, uh, that was just, so then anybody that looked over, not only

could you tell I was dejected, but then I have this magical little dirt NATO rolling around my feet. magical little dirt NATO rolling around my feet. Oh, so it was a trying, it was just a trying time, but we had some special voicemails that were set up to spring is here. We had some voicemails that were set up just to be, you know, to show some gratitude that people have sent in about the a hundredth episode.

But I'm not, I'm not in the studio. So I don't know if I'm going to play a bunch of those. I'm going to try to play a few voicemails and hit some callers that came in. But this episode is going to be a little bit ad-libbed. And sometimes that's how it is, man. What else is going on? Oh, I got some good news. So Ridge Wallet, they're one of our sponsors. And if you don't have a Ridge Wallet, man, you should get one. They're dope. And it's a pricey item. I'm not going to lie to you.

That's a pricey item they got. And it's at RidgeWallet.com slash Theo. But it's like a front pocket wallet. So especially like here in San Fran, I notice if you have a wallet in the back of your pocket, one of your butt cheeks is kind of up in the air a little bit. And if you sit down like that, I notice when I have that big butt wallet, that sometimes a lot of men will think that I am trying to be, you know, get extremely natural with them or, you know, get extremely fancy or, you know, sensual.

Because you're sitting at like a, you're kind of propped up a little bit and you got that, one of your everything, like one of your tits is a little higher than the other one. One of your shoulders is a little higher because you got that regular wallet under your butt.

And I noticed that a lot of men will be like, oh, who's that little, you know, who's that little prudent little flamingo over there? But it's like, it's like, nah, nah, buckaroo. You know, I'm trying to just, you know, I'm vulva only for daddy. But they don't see that because you propped up. Because one of your butt cheeks is higher than the other and it gives you that flair. And a lot of men will take that flair as like a flirt action so the the ridge wallet is

you put it in your front pocket but we got a really dope thing ridge wallet has said that you know everybody knows you know we've been supportive of this young gentleman named mickey he just got them new um them new uh them new duffels he got them new lungs in his body and the lungs he inherited actually came from a drug addict a man that was on crack cocaine probably a man here in san francisco statistically speaking dude it is uh it was sunny this week but also this weekend it was also probably a 70 chance of crack outside and but ridge has said that they want to bring Mickey down, and they want to take him and me skydiving together. So he doesn't even know it yet.

He may hear this episode and learn about that, but I thought that that was pretty magical that they reached out and did that. So we're grateful to them. So that's something that's going to happen. That'll happen. We'll put that out on regular YouTube. I was going to say, we'll put it on Patreon, but that's a real thing. You know, I don't know if Mickey can take them crack lungs up in the atmosphere. You know, I don't want to find a new addiction because that's

another thing I'm worried about for trick long Mickey is that if he has lungs that were addicted to crap, okay. And that man died, but those lungs are still alive. You know, them crack sacks. And if now if Mickey has them, you're telling me he might not start smoking crack someday. That's kind of wild to think. It's really, really kind of wild to think, you know, in the future, you know, who knows what happens in the future. I thought about this the other day. Wouldn't it be cool if you had a pair of pants, right? And if you urinated in them, the pants were just like one color, like white. But when you urinated in them, the urine, the moisture, revealed a design in the pants.

So instead of people being like, dang, boy, you know, Sherman pissed his knickers. Instead, they'd be like damn Sherman got them Picasso pants or it makes like a you know a cool style so you could piss your pants but suddenly you know you got these

maybe a pine trees or something that show up on them so that way it would you know it would diffuse because you know we don't do it much as adults when you're young and you urinate yourself that shit just it's just one clump of urine in the front it would be neat if they had a pant that could prevent that and um you know create art at the same time but yeah anyway my mind's all over the place man it's just you know i'm out of my element i'm here. I'm caged up in the corner.

I can't even tell if this audio is working good. This shit may all be blown out. But sometimes this is how it is. You're out here on the road. You know, and I was a little intimidated this weekend, man. I've never really performed in San Francisco. And, you know, sometimes I just get intimidated. Like this place is, you know, has that vibe of being super liberal, and I'm, you know, I feel like I fall all around in the middle, or I don't know

where I fall, you know, I'm just trying to fucking be realistic about things, but, you know, I just get, there were certainly some moments where I was nervous about doing some of my material, certainly some moments where I was nervous about doing some of my material and um and that's wild it's wild to think that because you can't you know in some places you can't be sarcastic especially in a big environment when when the when the environment's smaller then you could sarcasm you could do sarcasm anytime because people can get it but when when people are, you know, 600 yards away sitting there listening to you, oh, that sarcasm just doesn't play. But I had another set tonight. I got to work with Bert Kreischer,

and that was magical. And, you know, I noticed this as a comedian, you never have two bad sets in a row. And I believe that. You never have two bad sets in a row. And I knew after that second set didn't go to my liking. i was like i know i'll have a good one next time and uh and thankfully i did um let's check it we'll try some voicemails here man let's see what we can do um it is it's almost summer really it's june it's june let's hear this hey what's up Theo this is Eric from Baton Rouge what's up Eric from

Baton Rouge down there in the red stick and my brother uh lives down there and he has three children down there and they're all his children and his wife's let's hear it Louisiana and um June 1st and I just saw a June bug so just wanted to comment on the punctuality of the insect community. Oh, thank you for that call, Eric. You know, and I'll say this, Eric. You think Mother Nature's not going to be on time? Yeah, it's June. You saw a June bug.

Dude, that's Mother Nature. Whatever clock we have, this wallet, this Timex or whatever, whatever this iphone that shit is that don't matter mother nature's got the clock she's the one with the but she knows when this is all going to end mother nature has that clock so she she might send out a june or a December viper. Whatever. That bitch has got these animals on time. I mean, she's the real Barnum and Bailey. You know, people want to talk about feminism and, you know, female empowerment. Could there be any greater powers in the world than the feminine wiles? Mother nature. They don't say

Daniel nature. They don't say Richard nature. They don't say LaVeltris nature or Ying Sun. Mother nature. It's a woman. And she's cracking that whip, dude. Only a woman could keep all this so organized. All the gardening of the universe, pushing the waves up and down, up and down, doing volcanoes.

I mean, that's, who else would do a volcano besides maybe Kim Jong-yong, Kim Jong-yum, Kim Jong-Kim, Kim Jong-Kim, no. You know who the fuck I'm talking about, little Korea. That little Korean, you know, that little dude, he looks like a pizza chef kind of buddy from Korea. He, yeah, he would maybe do volcanoes outside of that Mother Nature. But yeah, she's sending June bugs, man. She'll do whatever. The bison, she's got them ready to rock when they need to run across the Serengeti.

She knows that 90 of them are going to get hit by lions. She knows what's up. Mother Nature ain't playing games. So I'm not surprised, man, but I appreciate that call. Let's take, let's get another one here. We'll rock in and out of a few calls, man, but I appreciate that call. Let's get another one here. We'll rock in and out of a few calls, man, if this appears to be working. Thank you guys for joining us this week. We'll get back to a regular episode.

We might do it on Thursday, a full episode. Instead of have a guest, we might do, we'll do something. I do want to celebrate a little bit more the fact that we made it through 100 episodes. Dude, I remember there were nights I was doing this and I did not want to, honestly. You know, there would be nights where, you know, especially when I first started, I was real heavy into, you know, and a lot of y'all know this, into the dark arts and into doing, you know, self-pleasure and self-skeet. You know, and just skeeting out and pleasuring myself. And I remember

one day I had just abused myself really to exhaustion sensually. You know, looking at just, you know, different types of labias and everything on the internet. And, you know, I was just caught up. And I just, you know, my body, there was nothing coming out. There was like even a 0% chance of any coom really flying out of my body. And I'm not trying to be vulgar, but I am trying to be honest with you right now. And I would still, you know, I'd still put the podcast up. And that was crazy.

You know, just not wanting to, but still setting the cameras up and getting it set up and getting the audio. And then the editing. Dude, in the beginning, we didn't have it set up where you could play a voicemail or a song and have it all be in the same audio track. So we had to take the separate audio tracks and lay them all in and sync them up. Man, I remember it being noon the next day. I'd been up all night. And I wasn't even doing cocaine anymore so I was up all night on just you know just on the lord's cocaine just air oxygen and and having to just get that thing up I remember being in Illinois last year and I had to drive to somebody's yard, get close enough to their house and steal their internet because it was middle of nowhere and use their internet to upload at five megabytes per second or something.

You know, that lady came out in the morning. She's all fucking pissed trying to get me to leave. I said, I can't leave for 11 minutes. I said, I've been uploading this thing for two and a half hours. And if I pull off even six feet away from your house right now, this thing's, it's going to stop and I'm going to have to start over, man, just, you know, a lot of different times, but the, you know, what the beauty in this has been for me is just that you guys showed up and that I had to get it up and that we did it. That's my favorite pronoun a lot of times is we.

Sometimes people will be like, oh man, when are you coming to perform? And I'll be like, oh, we are coming at this time. I use we a lot. Somebody's like, what did you do this weekend? I'll be like, oh, we went to, because I don't like to feel alone, I use we a lot. Somebody's like, what'd you do this weekend? I'd be like, oh, we went to, because I don't like to feel alone, I think. I'd rather just somebody assume that I'm not alone. And maybe I'd rather me assume that I'm not.

I think by saying we a lot makes me feel that way. But yeah, man, and I'm trying to think of some of the other times, but I do feel a little out of my element here in this hotel. But yeah, a lot of times we put this thing up. One camera, I did an episode in a car one night just by the light in the front. Oh, we have some cool guests coming up. Dr. Drew is going to come in.

Just locked him down to come in. That Chris Ryan episode was really interesting, I thought. I want to talk to him more. We just talked really about, one of the things I felt like we talked about was if you want to be in a more open sexual environment. But I would love to hear his thoughts more on, you know, what it's like, because a lot of people, that's not what they, that's not going to help them. You know, a lot of people, that's not

fitting for their life. You know, I was talking to my brother and he was saying that, you know, there's something special when you have a connection with somebody and you come home and, you know, when you both, you guys have been, or, you know, have been good to each other and you guys are in a marriage that's connected, that there's, there's nothing like that feeling of having that person and having that nest, even that sensual, where it all comes together in some of those moments of even just laying next to each other. As much as there is a bravery for men and women

that are open to try open relationships and be able to communicate honestly. There's a bravery and there's something amazing about the stick-to-itiveness of people to say this is the choice I've made and this is the choice I'm going to make the most of. And I wish we'd have gotten in a little bit more of that. I wanted to pick his brain a little, but I'm still learning how to interview. You know, I'm still learning, you know, how to listen. And, but it's just been great, man. This, this whole experience has just been super.

And I'm so excited to be able to reach out to new guests. And if you have a guest that you want on, let us know who they are and let them know. Say, hey, you would be great. Send them a DM. Send them a message. And say, hey, you would be great on this guy's podcast. You should go on there. Let's take this call here.

Theo, what's up, man? It's Chuck. Listen, I just realized I think I may be in a little bit of the dark arts business myself. Oh, big Chuckie's out there DA-ing, huh? You sleepwalking? You sleepwalking in-ing, huh? You sleepwalking? You sleepwalking in motels, huh? You sleepwalk at a Ramada, somebody will fucking pull out a pistol, bro.

Okay, Ombret. See, I'm in that taxidermy game. Ooh. Really? Now, that might be a dark art. Boy, you hiding cotton in the bodies of of of animals dang dog you making stuffed animals out of real animals dude the reason why we came out with stuffed animals is because we didn't want people like you doing all of that

that's crazy to me, man. Think about that. Think about this, though. What if they started doing taxidermy for people? You could have your grandfather just have both of his arms up in the air, and you could make him in like a coat rack. Put his tongue coming out of his mouth. You could hang your hat right there. Two coats on him, or maybe six coats if he's a strongparent if he you know still didn't have much osteoporosis and you could have him just right by the door just all taxidermied up you know uh don't forget your jacket pop pop has it um let's hear more thanks for calling chuck

you know where like people go out and find an animal that's not quite ready to be dead but they make it dead and then bring it to me in hopes that I can make it look alive again. Ooh, I didn't think about that. Because I bet that's starting to happen. There's so many people that are, I think it's wonderful to be an animal lover. And because if you can love an animal, it just shows, I mean, that's just practice for loving humans.

And that's a beautiful thing. I mean, you know, there's so many creatures out there, you know, and Mother Nature knows what she's doing with all of them, and even a June bug, you know, probably have feelings, you know, and it probably has feelings all year around, but to think that there's probably people that are starting to overly love animals, like to the point where I think it's not healthy. I think there are animal addicts. And I could see, now that you mentioned this, Chuck, I could see someone wanting to keep an animal in its prime. And so then they exterminate their animal, their own loved animal,

just to have a taxidermy to keep it how they want it. And that's, I mean, that is, I mean, that's pretty much sorcery. When you look at that, that is probably grade A sorcery. More, Chuck? And sometimes people just bring delicious animals that they've eaten and they want them to look like they did before they were eaten. So it's just a lot of different reasons. What?

Wait, hold on. People bring delicious animals that they've eaten and want it to look like, oh, oh. So you're saying maybe somebody get that Thanksgiving turkey, you know, that prize bird, that prize seasonal partridge, and they eat it, but then they want it to look like they didn't eat it? That's a new diet. More? But I just got to thinking about it, and I'm afraid that the taxidermy might be in a dark heart. It's not that I'm getting out, but it's definitely borderline at least.

Oh, well, I mean, you're definitely perverse. It's definitely perverse. If you're stuffing cotton or textiles into the deceased body of an animal, dude, that's Slytherin. There's no, man, you ain't Gryffindor, daddy. That's Slytherin. And if you can sleep at night then that's very interesting to me all right let's take another call here here we go onward

what's up Dio this is Rico and I'm a driver out there delivering to restaurants what's up Rico thank you for being a driver and thank you for delivering to restaurants, man. You know, my mother delivers newspapers and she delivers different items too. When I was young, she used to deliver cookies. They had a company called Vortman. V-O-R-T-M-A-N.

And she would get these huge cases of cookies. I mean, one of them boxes probably had 400 cookies. Ginger snaps. And you could smell. I was a kid, so you could smell that fucking ginger. Dude, and I know she would have all these boxes. She had this Volkswagen Rabbit.

And my mother would have that thing stacked to the fucking brim. Boy, about 600 pounds of sweet rounds in that thing of cookies and man i would get it sometimes i would sneak her keys out of her purse and i would go in there at night in that car and i would open the door and i would lay on top of all those cookies man and i would just sleep right there on top of those cookies and man there was nothing more there was nothing more wonderful for me than that i mean it was just imagine the smell at that point i'm laying on top of no joke probably 2,500 individual cookies all grouped together in boxes i mean that's like a that is a that's like an army of cookies.

And I could just smell them all, man, coming into my body and coming into my fucking system. And this is before I started. I'm glad I wasn't masturbating or anything at that point because you're going to tell me. You're telling me that you wouldn't? You're laying in a bed of 2,500 sweet treats and you ain't gonna just make your own frosting yeah man yeah man let's hear more anyway i just got a suggestion for you bro um you know i'm a recovering drug addict oh Well, I appreciate you calling and congratulations. You're in recovery. That's a brave thing.

You know, one thing about being here in San Francisco, it is, I mean, you walk down the street. I saw two people shooting up here. Shooting up. And in Los Angeles,

you can see that by Skid Row and stuff like that, but I'd never seen that just out in the wild, you know, in normal areas. You know, like you're looking in a window

and they got a gap or something and then you look over and they got a dude putting a needle into one of his gaps so it's definitely uh it's it's different here so congratulations on uh being a recovering drug addict oh this reminds me really quick let's listen to your call and then i'll i'll go into my story onward i actually read this book by Russell Brand, the comedian called Recovery, and I think maybe you could see if you could have him on as a guest and you could interview him. He was on Joe Rogan's podcast.

It was a real good interview, but they didn't really talk too much about the drug addiction stuff. Just check it out, see what can happen, and keep it up, um, yeah, just check it out, see what can happen and keep it up, man. And even if you can't get them or whatever, but just a suggestion, bro. I appreciate the suggestion there, Rico. Thank you. Thank you for calling in, man. And best of luck to you in your recovery, dude. That's brave of you. That's brave, man. And you're doing brave stuff for yourself and that's inspiring. Um, I'll remember this, it reminded me the first time I ever came to San Francisco.

And I came here, I was working as a tour manager for a musician. And I came here and we got into town, we got into the hotel. And next thing you know, we go outside and it's dark out, it's late. And we were in an area there wasn't a lot of food opportunities.

There wasn't a lot of places where you could really satiate your stomach and fill your body with food. And I walked outside and they had a homeless guy. I don't know if he was homeless, but he definitely, it looked like if he had a home that he hadn't been there in maybe two or three years. So at least a dude that had lost his keys and his address. And he, and I was like, what is that guy doing? He was looking at, this was in Gap,

that store Gap was really popular and they had models in the windows and a picture of a beautiful brunette girl, kind of Rubenesque a little bit, you know, a little, you know, natural looking, a regular lady. And, but she was very beautiful. She had freckled skin and she had red hair.

And I like red hair. And I like other colors too, but I also, I do like red hair. And because that's the fire. You know what I'm saying? When you got fucking straight fire coming out of your body via your hair. Woo! Yang, yang. So, but this man, he ran across the street. They had a plug-in, an outdoor plug-in. He had a

radio, like a plug-in radio where you find a radio station, transistor radio. He runs across the street, plugs it in, and he tunes it, and he put it on Nora Jones. This was a musician that was popular. And she had a song called Come Away With Me. Then this man ran across the street back to the Gap ad. Now with Nora Jones just filling this street up and there was nobody else around. It was just a dead area.

It was like an area where people I guess would shop a lot during the day. So at night those areas are generally pretty dead because that's more of a commercial district. And this man started masturbating and touching himself outdoors and touching his own body and touching his dick outdoors.

And it, you know, it made me feel like, wow, like even at the lowest, you know, and I don't want to say the lowest levels of humanity, but even at a very visceral level of humanity, like being homeless or having been not home in a long time and being dirty and being, that there was still some romance in this man. There was still, you know, he wasn't just going to jerk off to this woman he didn't know in the window. You know, he had chosen to put on some music and make it a moment. And that was just, I don't know. I don't know what that did to me in the rest of my life or what it continues to do or how that will come into play in my future.

But it was very interesting to see that even at such a low, at such a, you know, what we consider a low level of existence that that man had chosen to make a moment. You know, and I guess we can do that. No matter how tough things are, you know, if we can do it, make that little extra step,

you know, we can maybe take ourselves out of out of the exactness of what something is you know because this man was just jerking off outside of a gap outside of business hours but when he put the music on it filled the streets and this woman's voice was beautiful, and you didn't, I didn't, I don't know. It was almost like a ballet. You know, like a ballet with a dick in it. Kind of, I don't know. I'm out of my mind, dude. It's been a crazy weekend. Anyway, let's hear more.

Thank you for calling about that recommendation. Now, there's a good example. Go tell Russell Brand to come on this podcast, and I'll tell him, too. I will ask him um let's take another call here here we go yo it's jay again in denver how you doing man thanks for calling jay in denver and what did i just see in denver oh they had a man who worked for the fbi he was dancing at a party did backflip, his gun flew out of his belt and landed on the ground.

When he picked it up, he accidentally shot somebody in the crowd. So there you go. Let's hear more. You're killing it, as always. Of course, I'm still supporting Theo Vaughn. It was such an honor to be on the show, man. It was great to talk to you in that way. And of course, I called back to talk about Roseanne.

But I want your perspective, man. I know you're planning to talk on it if you haven't already, but in the spirit of the Theo, I think the best thing that could come of this is if Roseanne and Valerie Jarrett talk to each other, maybe for the people, for the people to see. I appreciate you asking what my thoughts are on it. And if you guys have thoughts on,

you don't want to know my thoughts on something, you're always welcome to call and ask me. And you can hit the hotline for any questions or any issues. You have 985-664-9503. You know what? I love that idea. Because in that idea, you're going to get, you know, we're in this time where nobody wants the time where nobody wants to know why people do something anymore.

But I believe that people do want to know. I believe that, I don't think that Twitter is a great source for anything. Twitter is just, I mean, Twitter is like junior, it's like middle school. It's like junior. It's like middle school. But I think that on the Roseanne topic, I mean, first of all, Roseanne is from a different, you know, she's going to say edgy, wild shit. She's Roseanne. Who do you think she is?

You think she's not Roseanne? You think she's Dakota Fanning? You think she's Debbie Schultz Wasserman? Or you think she's Busta Rhymes? No, she's Roseanne Barr. She grabbed her Volvo one time and spit during the national anthem. She is Roseanne. So is somebody surprised that she made disparaging comments or even racial comments at somebody on Twitter?

I think it's wild how anything that even could be racist now is definitely racist. But it's like, what do you expect out of Roseanne? That's what you're going to get. And it's also, what do you expect when you give a 65-year-old, or whatever she is, 63 or something, a Twitter account? It's like, that's what you're going to get. So I'm not surprised by it at all. It also seemed like some stuff was going on over there with that show.

Maybe people didn't like working there with her or didn't like the environment. You know, I know Whitney Cummings had been working there and then quit the show. Or this was a few weeks ago. This was a few weeks before the debacle happened with Roseanne and how she was tweeting and how she gets into the politics of it all. And it's just, I mean, it is a time where if you have a conservative voice or you're angry at, I mean, Hollywood is devoutly liberal and you can't speak on it. You can't. And it's almost better for you really not to get into it

because these days we are being held like performers everyone is being held it seems like to you know they're being held everything you do can affect everything you do you know you're being held your character your human your character as a human can affect your character on a show, if you play on a show. And it's just a different time. Do I think that that's great? Do I wish we didn't have that? I wish we didn't know what anybody's political views were.

You know, I really wish that a lot of times. And I think if you meet somebody in person, then a lot of times you don't know. You know, it used to be the thing was a couple things you don't talk about, politics and your sex life. Because, you know, those things would cause controversy and those things would, you know, anger people. Or those things would start arguments. But I do think that the best thing, I don't know abc made the best move by canceling the show because then everyone is affected by her choice i mean that gives her in a weird way gave her a lot

of power and it gave her a lot of you know she made that mistake she did that you know of course look some people say look she fucking tweeted what she wants who gives a fuck yeah kind of she's a comedian i can understand if she's running a school and she says that but she's a comedian she wants to be edgy she wants to say something ridiculous i'm not surprised by that she's a she's a fucking comedian she's not a chef so you know it's weird it's like don't let somebody be a comedian anymore let's quit calling it comedy or you know

and I don't know maybe she wasn't trying to be funny maybe she was just being mean you know I don't know some of the gist of all of it but it didn't seem like you know she didn't I don't know she didn't seem like, you know, she didn't, I don't know. I mean, she didn't use the N-word, but she definitely, it was just dumb. It was just dumb by her because she knows. She knows that.

She knows better. And maybe she was on Ambien. Maybe she's 65. I mean, look, those are real possibilities. But, yeah, I would have loved to have seen those two women be able to sit and talk about it. You know, we have this weird thing where once we can actually learn something from a situation,

especially with Hollywood, they shut it down. You know, I've said this before with the 18 kids and counting or whatever at that TV show. Remember that? And they had one of the kids had touched another one's titty or kid titty, whatever it's called when you're a kid. I don't think it's like just a kid titty. And then they shut the whole show down because, you know, allegations had come out that when one of the kids was 11 and one of the kids was 15, that one of the kids had touched one of the – the boy had touched one of the girls.

There's 17 or 18 kids in the house had touched one of them's vagina or titty. And first of all, I've said this before, but when you have 18 kids in a house, you can't even reach for the light switch probably without touching somebody's ass. There's just too many body parts in the environment. But also I thought, well, this is a great time for us to have, for people to have a conversation about what happens when you're kids and if something kind of weird happens at the house. And I could be getting the ages wrong, but I think they were both children. They were both, you know, they weren't adults. So, and look, I had some weird stuff happen when I was a kid. You know, they used to have a man in our neighborhood would give us 20 bucks,

and he'd go and spread his ass cheeks about 40 feet away from us and just pay us to look at his freaking browser hole, you know, just to stare over at that, you know, that little deal he had. You know, and sometimes he'd play that song Brown Eyed Girl too on his car stereo while he did it. You know, that was weird. I remember being really young

and hugging my sister like extremely hard and pressing her against my body because I got some sort of, you know, feeling of, I don't know if it was sexual. the time I didn't know it was sexual feelings I just I got some different feeling and I wouldn't you know doing anything you know overtly dirty but but it just seemed like it would have been a good sometimes there's a good time for

for um and that same guy was now older on that 18 Kids and Counting show. And he had gotten busted on those Adult Friend Finder or Ashley Brown. Whatever that website is called, Ashley Brown, where people log on and try to find other people's genitalia within a 25-mile radius or whatever to go over and smell and touch and be around. mile radius or whatever to go over and smell and touch and be around but and i thought well this is also a great time to find out about adultery and why this man does it and let's that now more than ever i wanted to see that show i'd never seen it but now i wanted to see it when we can learn but so many times we shut things down right when it's a great opportunity for us to really actually learn and really share. Because, man, it's like we're just in such a desperate time to really connect. And some of these powers that control a lot of stuff, they don't do it.

They don't let us do it. I'd love to have a conversation because we need to have some more conversations. We need to have them because otherwise we're in this word fight. And it's just, I don't know, it's kind of scary. But I appreciate you calling. I don't mean to go off on that, guys. If people are tired of hearing about that,

then that's just wasting people's listening time. Let's take another call. Here we go. Hey, man. This is Alex from Baltimore, Maryland. Dude, I just want to let you know. Baltimore, man. A great place to join the Navy and also to get on to opiates.

I've seen people walking down the street in Baltimore, both eyes closed, walk seven, eight blocks. And that's brave shit, man. Onward. Man, absolutely love your comedy. Recently found out about your podcast. It's really been helping me get through kind of a tough time. Ended a relationship with somebody. Been together with this girl for about six and a half years.

Wow. That's a commitment, man. That's a marriage. That's two marriages these days. That's a commitment, man. I'm sorry to hear that more. We're all set to get engaged. And she called it off.

And also involved a house. So there's that. Ooh. So you had the marriage. She called it off. And that must have been tough on her too oh just that pressure that last minute and uh let's hear more onward um so yeah i lost a girlfriend and a house and um happened about four months ago um you know pretty tough time getting through it but uh but man, I've been listening to your podcast, you know, just about every day. And, you know, it cracks me up. And it's, you know, nice to hear that, you know, everybody else, you know, everybody's got their struggle.

And, yeah, I just want to say I appreciate it. Thank you, Alex. You're welcome. We're happy that we're here too. Yeah. And people calling and talking about their struggles, man. It's like, that's who we are. That's who I am for me.

I am my struggles, man. I am my struggles. Because the struggle is when I, the more I see it, like I've never reached a goal in my life and been like, or reached a time in my life and been like, oh man, finally everything's perfect. Nah. It's the struggles. That's where the, you know, it's when you're in the trenches. It's when you're having to make choices. It's when you're having to lay there with your eyes open. It's when you're having the trenches. It's when you're having to make choices. It's when you're having to lay there with your eyes open.

It's when you're having to show up for yourself. It's when you're having to tell somebody how you feel even though it hurts. It's when you're on your way home and you get a call from a friend or something and they need something. You're like, fuck! But you go. You know, it's the fucking struggles, man. That's who we are. That's who, I mean, that's what, that's where I learned who I am.

You know, I don't get to a, you know, it's not like you win a game and then, yeah, that it feels good to win. But the, the part that was, it was the moments where you made the plays that felt that, that, that was the, the meat, that was the meat. But, uh, you know, I can only imagine how tough that is, but I know there's better things on the horizon for you or different things. You know, you never know, man. That girl might get hit by lightning, and I'm not hoping that for her. She sounds like a nice lady,

but you never know. And guess what? Guess what about lightning, dude? It could kill a couple people at once. So, and maybe that house, maybe that whole fucking thing is burning down. You know, it's just a, You know, you don't know. That's another thing, boy.

Mother Nature, boy, when she wants to crack that lightning whip, you never know who's going to get it. But thanks for calling, Alex. Let's take a call here. This is a response. We got a couple of responses to last week's episode. Here we go. Yo, Theo. This is Rio from South Georgia.

I'm a mechanic down here. I'm just calling to fill you all in on what you can do as far as, you know, getting good prices at a shop. Okay, yeah, we had a call last week and maybe the week before. I think the gentleman's name was Michael. I'm not sure, but about how to get treated. He was worried about how to get treated fairly. This was a gentleman in the military. He was worried about how to get treated fairly. This was a gentleman in the military. He was worried about how to get treated fairly by a mechanic.

And here we have a mechanic calling in from South Georgia. And I know they got vehicles breaking down over there in South Georgia. More. That shit gets expensive. But what you need to do is you need to find your good shop. And you need to be loyal to them.

You need to make friends with a mechanic there. Having a mechanic as a friend will definitely help you out. You can call him. He'll tell you if the price is right. There you go. And that's kind of a, you know,

but that's a simple and that's a straightforward answer is go in there. I think, you know, and one thing like I mentioned that can, you know, that I suggested that could create friendship

is just be in earnest with them. Because, you know, if a dude do fuck, here's the thing. If you want to fuck me, go on and fuck me. But if I'm earnest with you and you fuck me, man, I know you don't sleep that strong at night. I know you don't. I know you don't because when I give you that earnestness and I give you that honesty and say,

hey, look, I don't know how to do this and I have some nerves. When you're vulnerable in that moment and that man fucks you, that hangs on him. That's a dirty ornament hanging on his inner tree. And that ornament might even have a jingle bell in it. So he hears that thing flare up. And that's his. That's his dirty ornament that he's hanging inside of himself when you show up with that vulnerability. But thank you for calling very much there. Here we go. We got a call that came in for the, the woman from Saudi Arabia called in. And I actually took the call onto the Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla podcast the

other day. And we, we had it answered on there by Dr. Drew. Adam Carolla podcast the other day and we had it answered on there by Dr. Drew and we're going to try to package that up and we'll put that out this week a series of the answer that happened there and the answer that came in here on this past weekend from Chris Ryan but here's some suggestions that you guys offered

here we go. Hi, Theo Vaughn. It is Laura from Philadelphia Garden. Again, I was calling because of the brave woman from Saudi Arabia that called your podcast to talk to you about suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and everything. First off, I just wanted to say that it kicks ass that she actually asked somebody for help. I agree with you. You know, it takes something to do that. It takes something to somebody for help. I agree with you. You know, it takes something to do that. It takes something to ask for help. And man, you know, I got to start putting some notes up around my house or my apartment because I don't really actually have a house. But that say, that remind me that, you know,

I have to be brave enough to ask for help. You know, because I need it. Let's hear more though. Second, thank you for creating a place where she could call to do that. Third, I had a couple of suggestions for her because I also deal with the same. And it is a lot. It's very difficult in this world to feel like you actually have a purpose and you're contributing. Oh, that's such a big statement.

Yeah, we don't want that. That's what we really want. We want to feel like we have a purpose. You know, we really want to feel purposeful. The main way I found to combat that is to think about the things I get to do while I'm here, things that I actually like. And whatever those things are, I try to do them as often as I can because you make me feel good. And that way, if you plan ahead for something that you really enjoy, you always have something to look forward to. So that's one thing that she can do. Another is writing all of that stuff down. Whatever you have going on in your head or whatever you feel like in that moment, if you're upset, if you're sad, if you're happy,

it's really good to sit and write those things down on paper because otherwise your brain turns into an echo chamber for the dark arts. That's no bueno. Oh, and that's Spanish at the end. She hit us with that flair at the end with that viola. Thank you for that. That's true. You know, the brain is a dirty echo chamber, isn't it? Man, my thing, it echoes into my brain.

It'll go down into my heart. It'll come back through. It'll go up and down and just cavernous, man. I got these caverns in me. Let's hear another suggestion that came in. Thank you for that call, Laura. Let's hear another suggestion for the Saudi Arabia caller. Onward.

Hey, Theo. This is Lawrence from Miami. Just listening to the podcast. Love the podcast. Uh-oh, Miami Lawrence, boy. Pa-pa-pa-pa. Hey. Oh, daddy. Pa-pa-pa-pa. Ay. Oh, daddy.

More. As much as you have me dying laughing all the time when I heard Amy from Saudi Arabia call in, it just absolutely broke my heart. I read a book a while back that helped change my life. I'm not sure if it'll work for her. It's called The Power of Now. Hopefully not sure if it'll work for her. It's called The Power of Now. Hopefully you can recommend this book to her. Hopefully it'll work for her. And I also just want her to know that down here in Miami, we appreciate her courage for having the strength to call in. And I want her to know that she needs to be good to herself because she definitely deserves it.

I love you, man. Thanks for that message, Lawrence. Sorry, Lawrence. Thank you, man. Yeah. You know, it's true. Man, we're out here. We're out here. We. We are out here. That's why I say

we right there. Because, man, you know, shit can happen when people try to do stuff. Gang. And that's a great suggestion. And I hope she hears this. And I know that on the hotline there's a number where the call came from. And we'll make sure that she gets a link to this episode so that she can hear

people's suggestions. We're going to package it all up for her with Dr. Drew Penske's advice and also with Dr. Christopher Ryan's suggestions for whenever we played that call for him the other day. Let's get into another call here. This one, let's go. Question for you about, let's say I'm about eight, nine years old. I go to this summer camp. Okay, you're eight or nine. You're at summer camp. Go on. They do a lot of funny, fun activities. One of the activities that a camp counselor put on was a wrestling match. But it wasn't just any wrestling match.

It was a bathing suit, soap and water, like real slippery type on like a slip and slide type mat. Okay, well, that sounds fun. You guys are playing slip and slide, and they got soap and water. Wrestling, though. More?ite match. Okay, well that sounds fun. You guys are playing Slip and Slide and they got soap and water. Wrestling though. More? Wrestling match. It wasn't between the kids, but it was mostly between kids trying to take down the camp counselor.

This is a big dude. I'm talking like a bear. Big old hairy guy. Here I am, eight years old and I'm thinking like Wrestlemania WWE type shit. I'm trying to years old, and I'm thinking like WrestleMania, WWE type shit. So I'm trying to bring them down. I'm wrestling to the ground. And as a kid, it seemed like a wrestling match. But the older

I get, the more I'm starting to think that something funny might have been going on there. What's your opinion on that? Oh, it seemed like y'all got soaked up. I mean, if a man has six or seven soaked up children climbing all over his body, yeah, dude, that's,

I mean, I would just be grateful you didn't get molested, honestly. You know? Because you didn't get molested. You definitely, I think you probably fulfilled some erotic thoughts of his. You know, he's probably just feeling all those, you know, those energetic

soapy just knee nubs going over his skin and just you know, just not having, you know, 12 kids legs wrapped around his neck at the same time. He probably was feeling something wild. But I'm grateful that y'all didn't get molested. That's why I would just keep it right there and just find some gratitude in that. Thank you for calling. Let's go. Here we go.

Hi, Sam. My name's Raj. I'm a comic, and I saw that you're looking to have nominations sent in for a single mom to come check out your show Saturday at Cherokee Casino. Hey, Raj. I certainly am a fellow comedian, Raj. Yes, we are at Cherokee Casino there in West Siloam. We want to do something. We want to get a single mom out. More? So my nomination is a lady by the name of Kristen Switzer.

Ooh, Switzer. She's the office admin at my day job. She works super hard. She has a little daughter and just one of the most positive people I know. She does a ton for her community and does a ton of fundraising for like animal shelters and stuff like that. So Kristen is my nomination. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for that. Yeah, man, I'll reach out to you tomorrow and we'll get in touch and see what we can do for her. You may have already mentioned it to her. If you haven't, don't mention it to her yet. Let's you and I discuss it first.

But thank you for calling. And yeah, that's awesome, man. You know, it makes me feel, and some people might be wondering why, you know, what our plan is with that. And I think it's just, you know, I remember when I was a kid. You know, I didn't get, actually really, I guess it's more like when I'm an adult. You know, my mother and I have never laughed together. And I don't know why that is. And that's okay. At this point in my life.

We may not. That's okay. But that still doesn't mean that I don't want to not. When I think even in my mother's life, I don't know if she ever has laughed in her life really. I mean, I know there's some moments where I have seen her laugh. But has she ever just been somewhere and just laughed and felt taken care of at the same time? Because there's a different type of laugh you can have when you feel taken care of.

When you feel taken care of. You know, when that stress of every moment isn't sitting on your skin. Isn't hanging on your tree. You can feel more intensely. And you can be more open to joy. And so I would just love to. I wish there was a moment I could remember when I was young that I knew that my mom and one of her friends or something went out to a place and just laughed. She didn't go somewhere and just get wasted and, you know, maybe some man be rude to her or something like that. Or, you know you know came home and you know was alone and just

you know back in our apartment which was sinking in the mud and you know felt depressed or you know it would be nice just to know because I don't have that memory. But man to think that you know some higher power gave me a gift to tell jokes, to make people laugh or to make them feel okay. That's what I want to do. I don't even think, man, I know this sounds crazy, but I don't feel like I write

a lot of my jokes and stuff. I feel like if I take care of myself that I am, this isn't my doing. And I'm not saying it's God. I'm not getting on some hokey level there. But I do feel like I'm a conduit for whatever. And if I can take care of myself, then I can best be utilized. And if my little gift happens to be, look, tons of shit I'm not good at, dude. You know?

But one thing I can do is, you know, I can, if I'm in a good place I can make people laugh and if I could you know if I knew there was a moment in my life where I remembered oh remember when mom went out and my mother honestly didn't even have any friends

because I think you know she was just you know my mother's man and i'm not talking ill about my mother i love my mother and i wouldn't exist if it wasn't for her and my mother uh you know i know she loves me sometimes i wish that she there were other parts of her heart maybe that could be unlocked more so that she could love to levels that, that I don't know if she knows exist. But that's just my perception. I don't know if that's true for her. She may love me so immensely. But if I could think back and know there was a time where somebody took care of man just made

her feel joy and didn't ask anything in return you know that a man and also to know that a man did that for my mother and didn't leave her with any burden my mother had to work all the time dude my mother's always worked always i can't think of a time when even i've asked her want to do something just pending work you know and maybe sometimes i think i might have gone out and laid in that car just to even be around her for a little bit even though she wasn't in there you know it was a place i knew she was so much running around driving that car that if I could just be in there for a little while by myself, you know, maybe it was the smell of my mother, honestly.

I don't know. You know, we're such creatures as children. We're such animals. We're such June bugs, aren't we? But yeah, so that's our goal. And will we service it? I don't know. This shit might fucking be ridiculous.

You know, we might have the first mother and her friend go out and they get in a fucking fist fight in the front row of the show. Who knows? But man, I would love to have that memory that my mother got to go out and not have had to just know that everything was okay and be able to laugh and have some joy. And so that's our goal. And thank you for calling in, Raj, because you're helping right now. Let's hear more.

Onward. Theo, it's your girl Ashlyn. I'm in Osaka, Japan. Oh, hajimimashite. Hajimimashite. And that means our friendship begins in Japanese. That's the only thing that I know. Thanks for calling.

I just want to say fucking thank you. And I was so happy to see Chris Ryan on your podcast, on your show. That made me so happy. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, me too. He's an interesting man, and I look forward to talking to him more. I want to know what it's like, you know,

trying to help people, because it seems like you devote a lot of your energy to answering other people's questions, but I wonder, you know, maybe talking to people like Chris Ryan helps you do you feel some kind of risk like deep responsibility the kind of calls that you get man how do you balance that with just a real recognition of your own and fault and... Sorry, an email came in. Let's hear the end of that again.

Your recognition of your own humanness and fault and it's a lot of responsibility. You know, how do you handle that? You know, this is a good question. And maybe this is a moment where I, you know, need to say, you know, talk about needing help. And we get a lot of calls. Like, I would be lying to you if I tell you we didn't have 600 calls come in this week. That's a lot. And it's a lot of, and some of it's fun stuff.

And look, I haven't even gotten to listen to all of them yet. It's a lot of, and some of it's fun stuff. And look, I haven't even gotten to listen to all of them yet. You know, and I don't know if this is a codependency or something to Timmy, but I feel, you know, I just, it makes me sad. Like if people are hurting, you know, I don't know if that sounds fucking crazy, bro. I'm not trying to be like a weirdo or anything, but it just makes me sad, you know, and I think it's easier for me probably to relate to young men that are feeling certain types of ways, because I'm a young man, but it just makes me sad, you know, and it makes me, you know, I'm a late bloomer.

I've been a late bloomer a lot of things in my life, you know, and a lot of my life I lived in fear and I feel like I'm starting to get out of that now. And so I'm learning. I'm in a moment, I'm going through a lot of phases in my life where I'm learning a lot about myself. And I find myself even being more on a quest to learn. And to learn why I feel. Because for the first time in the past two years, I've started to have feelings. Since I got into sobriety, I just started to have more feelings.

Dude, I never had them. So I think I'm addicted to it in a way but I just want to you know I try to keep it healthy and I I don't know this show this show is just kind of morphed into a place where people can offer

suggestions to try and help other people through their experience and their strength and hope and I have the idea that you know sometimes people can call experience and their strength and hope. And I have the idea that sometimes people can call in and if they don't feel alone, then that's the first great step. And sometimes that's, what can we really do?

I don't know. But sometimes, yeah, I wish there was more ways to help people, but maybe we'll learn more as this show goes on and we can figure more out but I don't know you know I just

I'm glad to know that people are out there feeling I'm glad to know that it's important and I think it's the most real thing about ourself you know is what what are we feeling man what's going on you know there's just so much shit out here these days it's just so not real and our time here is so limited it's like let's fucking let's i i don't

know i you know i don't know i don't know but i appreciate that I don't know. I don't know, but I appreciate that call. And hajime mashtay, our friendship begins. This thing came in from a dude named Benjamin Dustbear. Here we go. Hey, this is Benjamin Dustbear again from Florida. Again, I do not remember you the first time, but that D-B-Z, boy, that dank gank, that dust bow. So we're doing a little song with the old. And he's got a song for us. Let's hear it.

The old Von's got the drugs in his mind. The old Von don't even have to do a line. The drugs are in his mind, in his mind. Cause the drugs are in his mind, in his mind. The old man's got the drugs in his mind. He don't even have to smoke a joint. He don't even have to pop a tab. Cause the old man's got the drugs in his mind the old ron's got the drugs in his mind he don't even have to pop a squat all right man the song got out of line there but i appreciate

it uh thanks for calling in there, Benjamin. Yeah, you know, I'm grateful to everybody that's called this week. There are a lot more calls. We'll get into a regular episode. Maybe we'll do like a more regular episode on Thursday instead of having a guest in on that episode. You know, it's just tough for me and I still have to edit this and put it up here because we don't have any producers,

producer help here. But thank you guys. You know, thank you. And yeah, I don't know sometimes producers, producer help here. But thank you guys. Thank you. And yeah, I don't know sometimes exactly what we're doing. I don't know if we're fucking doing anything, dude. You know? I mean, but

but we're here. We're here. On earth. And we have a lot of templates in our lives that we have to live by. We have to have jobs and we have to do this. And we have to eat. And we have to... But we also...

We can do whatever we want. And we can feel. And I'm trying to feel all the fucking feelings, man. And I feel like we can mix humor and feelings. Because for me, the best humor comes out of those moments. You know, it's one thing. I think for me that happened when my dad was so old growing up and i know i say that a lot but you know having like a man watching like a 70 year

old man 75 year old man chase you around the house with a belt you know and i remember my brother and and I would hide under my mother's bed. And we would, dude, it would take my dad 30 seconds to get kneel down onto the floor to swing the belt under the bed at us. And it came by at like the slowest belt ever. But we would scream like it hit us. And we would make, you know, we would, we had to serve, you know, we had to. So it was so funny. My brother and I are laughing so hard at this man that we love, our father,

and at the same time screaming as if we're getting hit to make him and my mother believe that we were getting spanked. You know, and then my mother never, you know, my father was never allowed to sleep in their room. So he slept on the couch every night. And so there was just all these weird feelings where there was just like so much real shit and so much humor going on at the same time. You know, because we were just goofy kids. You know, and we would always think my dad wasn't alive. And he was just asleep. But, you know, every time a senior citizen goes to sleep, bro, you got that, you know, you got that 9%, you got that 9% chance that they're

just going to sleepwalk up on up to heaven. So I don't know. I live in this way. You know, I don't know if I live in this weird world, but I think part of that weird, weird world is inside of me where there's some humor and some, there's some humor and some reality and they, they're just friends. Uh, I don't know. Maybe some of the dark arts are good.

But thank you guys so much for getting in touch and for reaching out. The hotline [phone] Herp Alert. Remember if you got that, check it out. H-E-R-P-A-L-E-R-T dot com and you can really just get it solved

and get yourself taken care of. So that way you don't infect nobody else. And if you got a baby or you got a skinless animal or not skinless, that's the fucking – I bet that taxidermy dude flared up. That was a slip. If you have a hairless animal and they want to – they probably could get herpes easy from you if you're all hugging and fucking kind of, you're not kissing but letting them lick on your face and everything. Some people do that with their animals and that's pretty crazy to me. But anyway, be good to yourselves. You probably deserve it.

Thank you guys for the calls. We made it through this cluster, this cluster fest. I had all the feelings this week, man, the high, the low. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But man, can you believe fucking Mickey gets to go skydiving? Dude, I haven't even told him yet. So I don't know if anybody's even told him. Go to his Instagrams. Tell him. If y'all want. But yeah, that was a nice thing and this man Sean from

Ridge suggested it and they want to they just love that story and that's crazy he's got them crack addict airbags in his body boy next thing you know uh trick lung mickey will be out here in the tenderloin blowing dudes or even blowing ladies out here you know they got all of it's all of its natural out here all of it's natural uh you guys All of it's natural. You guys be good to yourselves, man. You probably deserve it. Celebrate living.

Celebrate living, celebrate misery. You know that soon we're gonna die. Let's have some fun while we all die. Celebrate dark days, celebrate all your pain, all of your demons exercised. Let's have some fun while we all die. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great.

Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.