Three Bean Salad - A Message From The Beans

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week, but if you want to listen to two new bonus episodes you can sign up to our PATREON at www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

Hello, no regular episode of 3 Been Sad This Week as we're having a week off for Christmas. And we hope you are too, although some of you are probably working and doing stuff, in which case, cheers and happy Christmas. Some of you may not observe Christmas. Some of you may observe Christmas, but you've just forgotten about it, but this year, by the way. Well, it's a busy time of year, so things can slip your mind, can't they? Things can slip your mind. You can be so busy, often you're so busy, well, especially with all the Christmas preparations.

So there's a chance that this very message is reminding someone that Christmas is, I mean, it was two days ago now. I think you better take that turkey out of the oven. Or if you haven't bought a turkey yet, what you can do is buy, if you buy about, you probably only need about 700 or 800 slices of turkey ham. If you line them up correctly, it's a bit like a 3D printer, but of meat. You can create essentially a roast turkey, if you line them up. You can sort of form one. You can form one, you can form certainly.

And it's something that's pretty close to a roast turkey. And do you then roast the hams or are they pre-cooked? You need to boil the whole thing so that the fats dissolve and the whole thing amalgamates into a kind of wobbly, ideally turkey-shaped sort of jelly. Meat jelly. Sort of meat jelly in the shape of a turkey, roughly. You need to sculpt it yourself while it's hot. So you need to sculpt it with, basically, water-proof oven gloves.

Okay, and so check your stocking for those. Is that stuffable then? Is it stuffable? Yeah. Yes, what you can do, I think, is if you shoot, what you need to do is you need to shoot red hot mercury or any liquid metal through a metal straw into the center of the sort of emulsified turkey meat jelly. What about gaseous zenin?

Well, if you can get it this short notice, this soon to Christmas, if you can get it, yes, but you'll be wanting to look at one of your bigotescos, one of your bigger Sainsbury's, not the Metro's, they don't stock it anymore. And I've said to them before, I've complained. I've said, you've got enough space, you've got enough space for a mini bakery to make the crussles, the power chocolate. You've got 14 flavors of Pringles. You could make them in space.

Don't eat all of those. Where's your zenon? The gaseous zenon. It's going to be a rush on this at Christmas. Come on. But they don't care. And remember, argon doesn't work. We've all fallen for that one.

Oh, yeah. They said, I've said, have you got any zenin? No, no, no, we have got this argon, and then you take it home and... It's not the same thing. Argon's zenon is very much the baking powder versus bicarbonate of soda of the inert metals slash gaseous world. So there's no episode this week, but there is a pretty tasty life hack. Well, sorry, I did cut you off, Henry.

So you've got your liquid metal. You heat that up, or does it need to be liquid at room temperature? Well, you want it somewhere between gas and liquid. So essentially, a kind of... A chunky gas. Like a wet window. And then if you can shoot that up into the gelified turkey mass, obviously, all of those turkey fat molecules will instantly disappear.

Yeah, well, they don't completely actually disappear, do they? Because matter can't be crazy. They will reappear about three doors down. They'll reappear three doors down, or if you live on the end of the block, they may reappear on a traffic island. But yeah, so what we like to say is three doors down, or the equivalent is what we like to say.

Yeah, so then if you can drop the whole thing into something, so we're talking way, way below zero. So we're in the minus 500 Celsiuses. So we'll need liquid nitrogen. And the thing to do is you want to put that inside a small beer fridge. One of those small beer fridges that can just fit six cans of beer in. Put that inside a fridge freezer in the freezer compartment. And roll that into a chest freezer.

Then take the chest freezer to one of those big fridges they have at the back of a butcher. And then each layer will get colder and colder and colder. Ideally, mount all of that as high as you possibly can. The more altitude you can get at this point, the better. Oh, I mean, I took it for granted that this was happening at the top of Mont Blanc. Yes, at least. Yeah, it's basically the refrigeration equivalent of triple fried chips. Or a five bird roast.

Yeah. It's your turduckum. It's a turduckum of refrigeration. Yeah. So if you get the whole turkey mass into that at that point, what will happen is the liquid metal will re-coagulate back into a solid so fast that it'll become a powder. And then you simply hold up the gelified turkey, you shake it.

And all that powdery mercury will just pour out. And it actually looks quite Christmassy because the light will catch it. But don't get it on your eyes or your skin. Know any kind of mucous membrane, especially. Or any flammable surfaces. Yeah. Or you don't want any carpet. You don't want any tiles.

PowerPoints. Or strip lighting or any kind of lighting. Wallpaper. Or the elderly or the youngerly. Either of those age groups. But what you'll have, what you will have, is a... Is a turkey grotto. Is a lovely little turkey grotto for you to get that stuffing into.

Or have your family Christmas inside it. Or have your family Christmas inside it. Because obviously at that point you will all have shriveled a lot from exposure to that amount of powdered mercury. So essentially, yeah, you'll be so small. Your whole family could go into the little turkey grotto inside the turkey there and then sort of eat it from the inside out. That is one of your options.

Yeah. So either you've been enjoying Christmas or, as Henry sketches out, you may have forgotten Christmas and be hurriedly creating your own jelly-based turkey home. But whatever it is, we hope you've had a nice one. So as we said, yes, no regular episode of Three Been Salad. However, if you join the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash three been salad. There is not just one. But two bonus episodes waiting for you.

Three Been Salad extra beans and a sort of standalone kind of episode where we talk about the Beatles. Indeed. And extra beans is extra bits. Previously unseen material. Bonus stuff from previous topics. A bit of Misk. A bit of Misk.

A bit of Misk in there. A bit of old miscellaneous. Enjoy Happy New Year and all that sort of business. See you in 2022. Extra extra beans. The extra beans are coming. You