Three Bean Salad - Adverts

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

Adverts: lifeblood of the nation, engine of the economy, coal of the mind. What could be more splendid then than a podcast episode which already contains adverts also being about adverts? Thank you to Andrew from Leeds for feeding this suggestion into the bean machine for a listening experience which flicks a cold, hard finger-swear at the skip-forwards-by-30-seconds button.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Before we started recording Henry, you sort of trailed us. So you said, Oh, I'll say that when we were recording. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I'm a huge in the offing. Well, it was too hot for it's pretty hard for the audience to imagine this kind of thing. But there are some anecdotes, which I subject you to, which aren't actually good enough to get onto the it's hard to imagine that isn't it? But there's genuinely stuff that I think of as not pod worthy. A lot people don't believe that but there is isn't there? There's non pod worthy stuff, acres of chaff,

acres of chaff. And it really is only the creme de la de la de la wheat is the creme de la wheat. There's no that gets that actually gets through. Well, no, I was gonna say that I think that every human being has a relationship with the the glossy sort of slime filled orbs that are our eyes. No, nearly. It's the glossy. Frogs born nearly thin carapace. Slime filled orbs that are. Ain't really projected by our feathered friends.

Chickens and hens. Well, let's, let's stop here there, Henry, because let's remember that chickens and hens don't have an anus. So for them to project something through an anus would be a miracle. Yes, it would be, wouldn't it? Because they actually have, have they got cloacas? Cloacid. Welcome to the cloaca zone. And also of course, hens don't actually project the eggs, do they? They simply buff and maintain

them. They do still project them. Oh no, I saw I meant cocks. So hens do project. How are you differentiating between hens and chickens, Henry? Well, if it was a Venn diagram, you've got two big circles on the left, chickens, on the right, hens, where the overlap is hens. Okay. A chicken is a form of hen. Chicken is a form of hen. It's just a form of hen. Hen isn't necessarily a chicken. It doesn't have to be.

According to your logic. A chicken is a form of hen, but it's just a form which encompasses all hens plus cocks. No, it's not though. Because you can have like a pea hen. Oh. Okay. Is a hen just not a female bird of any kind? Can you have a cassowary hen? Seems like too soft a term to attach to the end of such a deadly creature.

It does, doesn't it? Yeah. Yes. A cassowary mega bitch. Let's just be honest. Isn't it? The Haleway Cassowary dominatrix. I think the more I think of it, the more I think I'm actually wrong all female birds

are hens. Maybe just sort of fowl? As a collective term for birds? What? I don't know. We're all at a C here. We really are. Oh completely, yeah. Good strong start though.

Very strong start. Great teaser into what I think is going to be an anecdote about an egg. It really is. Two eggs actually. All that happened was this morning I scrambled eggs in a new way. That's what I've done today. It made me think about the fact that I think our relationship with eggs and how we cook them and treat them just evolves over the whole life. A bit like an egg actually in a way. It develops and nurtures doesn't it and finally on your deathbed it hatches. So hatches so the chick hatches when the egg dies is that what you're saying? In a way this is more of a conceptual egg. But I just think it's a life it's a life's work I would say like mastering three different things the scrambled egg, the boiled egg, the poached egg.

And how to love another human truly. How to love another human and mastering the saxophone. Which some would say mastering the saxophone, loving another human, is there actually a difference? Because when you think about it, a person is a kind of saxophone, isn't it? They've got an aperture around the mouth area, a single reed, a single reed, they need to be well maintained. They like the touch of velvet. They're prone to fungal growths internally if they're not properly. And a soft case will keep the rain off but it won't protect against hard knocks. Exactly, Mike. So there's so many things in common. And also soft case will keep the rain off but it won't protect against hard knocks.

Exactly, Mike. So there's so many things in common. And also if you learn the language of love, you can play a human being can't you like a sax and make them wail? Or mute them. Or mute them. So eggs, what I'm saying is that, yeah, I just think as a life's journey, and there are peaks and troughs for example, I've got better, there have the periods in my life where I've been really good at poaching eggs, for example, periods of my life where I'm not so good at poaching eggs, periods of life where I sort of lose my touch for poaching a good egg. I mean, for example, a couple of days ago, I googled how long do you need to poach an egg for? That's something I've

looked up so many times in my life, I just completely forgot on it. It's passed out of my ken. There are periods in one life often in one's life, often shortly after Christmas, where one is trying one of a series of contraptions that are designed to help poach an egg, all of which, which towns be bollocks. Do you know what? Yesterday I watched a video of someone making scrambled eggs because I've got into a weird, I don't know what it is. Idleness is what it is. Yeah. It's a mixture of idleness and not having a proper job. A bit of fecklessness in there as well.

Combination of factors. I think it's a comfort seeking behaviour that I've fallen into, which is that. It's also, it also suggests you've just passed your peak, possibly in the last fortnight, isn't it? Cause it's, it's, it's downturn stuff. Because back in the day you used to relax with a bar brawl, didn't you? Yeah, exactly. You'd have been out there mixing it. I've really got into going on YouTube, tapping in the words Marco Pierre White and just seeing what happens. Hoping for a scandal?

Or just hoping for... No, for some reason he's done a series of videos, which are very, very comforting and very calming. He speaks very quietly and very slowly and, uh, and makes some eggs or whatever. It might be time for you to make a new, um, jingle because I'm about to declare chat snap, which is that's my chat with snap, with snaps chats. It's snap snap. Which is? That's my chat. We're snap, we've snapped chat.

It's snap, snap. I win. That's my chat. And I'm now taking command of it. When you talk to someone and they also begin to talk about the same topic, that's called having a conversation. That's not snap. That's not double Snapchat.

Actually, I'm talking about that as well. So you're in all kinds of trouble here, mate. Don't know how you're going to get this back. Double Snapchat. Snapchat. Snapchat. I'm talking about that as well. So you're in all kinds of trouble here, mate. Don't hang it and get this back. Double Snapchat, Snapchat, Snapchat. I've just read Snapchat already exists.

Doesn't it? It's quite successful app. Yeah. Ben, can I, do you mind if I just quickly tag onto your, cause I, this did start tag on or bulldoze over. Well, remember it's something sort of similar. It's a combination of the two because I did actually remember the mother chat is mine here.

I started this so that you're still, you are a subset of this is a subset of what I was saying. Is it a sort of little bird pecking ticks off your back? I'd say, I wouldn't say it's symbiotic because I didn't think I'm gaining from it. I'd say it's more, it's a non-fatal parasitism at this point. Is that how you see this podcast? Me and Micah just sort of parasites. We're chat worms. Yeah, I did say non-fatal though Ben. I didn't think you'll kill the mother organism necessarily. You'll degrade it over time.

But also you can, remember you are sporing healthily within the context of my digestive tract effectively, you know, you are, you've got your own little universe in there. Digestive tract talk? We are. You don't necessarily even know that you're contained within my digestive tract. Well, I do now. You've ripped the plaster off.

I shouldn't have said. You might have now realized what our existence is. I shouldn't have said. I thought I was the king of my domain. So sorry, what is the mother chat? Well, before you carry on too far, I'd like to point out that essentially everything I'm saying is actually the opposite, Ben, is a direct descendant of the fact that you got me into Markiplier White. Last night I watched a video where he scrambled eggs and this morning I tried it. Okay, okay, okay.

So actually, over to you, you are in control of the chat. The organism has reversed. You've spored so heavily that you've flipped the digestive tract around, you've escaped out through the anus and you've actually completely mastered the mother organism. You're now sort of in charge of my brain, you're driving me. You're now the parasite. Mmm. You're sort of half-swallowed at the moment. Your You're in Ben's maw. He's steadily gulping you down. It's an incredible sight. You're taking your legs twitching, but that's about it. Yeah. I'm also completely inside out at this point, so it's not clear. It's an extraordinary

sight. Which is also how you scrambled the eggs. Strangely, it's gone full circle. Anyway, Ben, I'm going to hand the baton to you actually now. So carry on. Just to explain to Mike, yesterday we had a conversation on the phone. I recommended watching Marco Pia White videos on YouTube. Again, suggesting that maybe I'm not super, super busy either. It's almost like, you know what I mean? Like there's an element that we were too like-minded souls, weren't we? What prompted the call? I mean, because it doesn't sound like it was urgent. Whatever it was. I know we were talking about something else that was

quite important. Was it that you were watching a video about eggs Henry and you wanted to share it with someone and you had a feeling you might get a short shrift from me? Yeah. Nate, to be honest, genuinely, what the call was was Ben was giving me pensions advice. And for me, a quintessential part of my pensions advice is just don't worry about it and get the Marco Pierre white videos on. That's enough for you to get your Omni bank commission, isn't it? Also when you're in a pension's mindset, you think about all the advertising that goes with pensions. It's a silver head man. Generally he's got a garage, he's got a sort of quite good looking sun.

Maybe an old car, a classic car or a motorbike. They're doing a strong, powerful hug. The quality to the light, it, cause it is sunset. Cause oh, you make no mistake. What we're talking about sunset, but there's a kind of golden hue to the sunset. It's a kind of sunset. That's it's got a kind of a bit of a kind of beach boys kind of golden California.

Yeah. That there's, there's hope in it. And, and the sun is actually a Viagra. Well, that's, there's hope in it. And the sun is actually a Viagra. Well, that's, that's the next ad and they know because you're actually being, you're being sort of tenderized and prepared, aren't you, for the very, very heavy, heavy Viagra based marketing through all your social media channels over the next rest of your life. And there's also an extremely heteronormative family scene, I would say, isn't it? Everything's extremely heteronormative. So you'll be there, you'll be sort of strong hugging your powerful

son. He'll have a wife that looks a bit like your wife, weirdly. And she'll be breastfeeding. A piglet. A pure breed piglet. A pure breed piglet. And then outside the window you can see hovering in the sky, it's that sexy Scottish widows woman in her robe. On a Lloyd's horse. On a winged Lloyd's horse. Yeah, and that sort of galloping isn't it, but it's not moving forward.

It's just galloping on the spots, isn't it, but it's not moving forward. It's just galloping on the spot, isn't it? All of this is happening on a cruise ship as well. It pulls back at the end. And Rob Brydon's there. But that's right. So your daughter-in-law, just to recap, is breastfeeding the piglet, which is being tenderised and marinated by your grandmother. From beyond the grave.

She's from beyond the grave. Yeah, which is how good her funeral plan was. It covered that. She's going, even though I died, I got this free pen. And once a year I'm actually reanimated and I'm able to tenderize meat, marinated meat. Provided it's being breastfed, but by a non-blood relative. And that's the Omnibank guarantee. It's that or the carriage clock, isn't it? Oh God. Yeah, so that mood that is created by those ads.

Yeah. Well, by the way, the other thing which goes along with that mood is that somehow they're managing to suggest, or of course, if you don't sign up with us, and then it's just all of your family, just desiccated corpses being blown around the car park. It's actually based on that scene in Terminator 2 when the nuclear weapon goes off, isn't it? And everyone's skin explodes. That's exactly it. That's your bloodline. It's a series of corpses that continue reproducing this. It's like your great grandchildren,

your grandchildren will all be just desiccated corpses flopping around, bits of bone sticking through the skin. No one's breastfeeding anyone. And they can't leave the car park, can they? You have to stay within the car park. And the piglet is actually, according to the posters around the car park, they have to stay with the car park and then the piglet is actually according to the posters around the car park is actually now president isn't it you're leaving a piglet dystopia that's been created because of how poor your your planning was the president of a nation that is just a sort of sheet of molten glass that's all it is it's so unwelcoming so the mood in those pensioners is quite similar to Marco Piawite videos. It's a very, very calming because Ben you put me onto these yesterday after you gave me the

pension advice. You put me onto these vids. So in bed last night, I watched the scrambled eggs one and I thought I knew how to scramble eggs. Well, his scrambled eggs are odd, aren't they? They're very snotty and liquidy and don't look great. So I did make them this morning. So the thing that he emphasizes in his scrambled eggs is just don't touch them. Don't move them. Well, they do. Okay.

You don't whisk them in any way. Initially, you put them into the pan with some butter and the pan is an incredibly low heat and what you do is you then prick the yolks with a fork. And then you kind of swirl them creating ribbons is the word he uses. And then and the whole thing is incredibly slow, a bit like the way you should invest in a pension, isn't it? Which is it's slow, you see you drip drip, and it takes its time. But hopefully the benefits are so he so what he does is he it does is he keeps on saying, and

you've got to do this incredibly slowly. Don't hurry eggs. Don't. He says this, which I thought was quite a weird statement. He said, eggs are one of the most natural things in the world. They're the apples of chickens. What could be more natural than a human eating the reproductive vestibule of a bird? Well, it's a potential, it's a stymied potential. A pre-beast. No, but it's a pre-beast's nutrition system.

Well, it's a kind of escape pod, isn't it? That sometimes there's something in what from the spaceship of that is a hen. Yeah. I suppose it is the only different. Anything is different is that hens don't have a voice that goes launching in five, three, two, but maybe they should have maybe that's their internal monologue that might be going on inside. Yeah.

So anyway, so he says, it's all about, he just keeps on emphasizing this. Don't hurry. Nothing good happens in a hurry. Take your time. So that's what I was doing this morning, which automatically makes it a bit difficult because it's a breakfast food, isn't it? So it's kind of a point in the day where time might be important. But the other thing he says is, so the way you make sure that the pan isn't too hot, just press your face into the pan and he goes

and make sure that your face can tolerate the heat of the pan. And if you're smelling meat, they just hold your nerve. And incorporate it. Incorporate it. Into the scramble. Into the scramble. Because a person's face is one of the most natural things in the world. See, he genuinely says put your hand against the pan. Does he?

And he cares. Do you remember this? He says it over and over again. You cup your hand around the edge of the pan. He goes, and if your hand can tolerate the heat of the pan. But he has a chef's hand. He does have a calloused chef's hand. You have an illustrator's hand.

I have an illustrator's hand. It's one of the softest meats. Isn't it? It's one of the softest meats there is. It's an absolute oligarch starter, isn't it? Is an illustrator's hand. He's got proper mutton paws. He's got calloused and scarred from years of tiny burns.

Yes, that did build up. And searings. Yeah, yeah. That's a very good from years of tiny burns. Yes, that have been built up. And searings. Yeah, yeah. That's a very good point. Yeah, so I learnt that this morning when I hurt my hand. Yeah. But do you not agree that the ones he made in the video, and I guess the ones you made, if you did them in the same way, they're so wet and kind of gooey.

Yeah. They just looked absolutely gross. He does actually say that weirdly at the end, because he keeps, the whole thing is like a mantra of like, this is the way to do it. Take your time, relax. It's nice and slow, nice and slow. And then at the end he goes... As he say at any point, my favourite thing he says in quite a lot of his videos is, approach the stove like a piano. You're playing the stove. Does he actually say that?

Yeah. That's incredible. Mike, you've got to watch some, basically it's like a mixture of cooking advice and then sort of slightly strange kind of philosophy about the world and how that might relate to cooking. I've only watched one. It is really good. It's very soothing.

But it's funny, at the end of this one, that he goes, having told you this is the only way to do it, at the end he goes, but of course these, I mean, they do come out quite wet, which some people don't like. He literally says that at the end. which some people don't like. But it's quite, one thing I like about it is his system is it removes mixing up, mixing them up in a bowl. I love anything that takes away a layer of effort. You know, you're going straight into the pan that that for me, that, that just goes tick tick that sounds like it also removes the impulse to finally sort

yourself out with a pension completely forgotten about that as well. That's the genius of Ben's plan. I'm still moving the money into his account. We just haven't sorted out the bit. Ray pays it back to me when I'm 70. I've given you a bigger gift than any money you could ever. It's true. You can't put value on it. Also, what do I need my annual income to be when I'm that old? All I need is enough to pay for broadband or to watch those vids. Do you know what I mean?

That'll be my only expense. That'll be my main expense to be watching the Mark APY vids. Great. But it was a pretty good scramble. It was a little bit, maybe a little bit wet. Okay, let's turn on the bean machine. You betcha.

Or more accurately, let's activate the machine. It's always on. It has to constantly run at a low level. It's humming away, throbbing. That's true. Because weirdly the whole thing is actually powered by an electric toothbrush charger, isn't it? Which people often find surprising because...

But we were warned that once it was switched on in the first place, it could never be powered down. It could never be powered down. It could never be powered down. Well, actually, I think the phrase actually was actually more blood curdling, curdling than that. It was, it must never be powered down. The future of the Northern hemisphere of the planet depends on it. Southern hemisphere should be fine actually. That's why a lot of billionaires are buying up sort of real estate in places like New Zealand, isn't it? And just on the off chance of the toothbrush battery fails.

Yes. Yeah. Cause well, is it that the top side of the earth would actually just sort of, yeah, would sort of slough off, it would just slough straight off, wouldn't it? Yeah. Tumbling into the sun, the centre of our galaxy. Quickly see it on both sides to seal in the flavour. That's right. Sorry, just to catch the bollock, the sun is not the centre of our galaxy. That depends what you've been reading. We've been doing our research, Ben.

Maybe it's time you did yours. So what do you think the centre of our galaxy is, Ben? I don't know if there is a centre of the galaxy, is there? Newport. Newport, South Wales. It's clearly Newport. It's the Iceland in Newport, South Wales. It's clearly Newport. It's the Iceland in Newport. It's specifically the pre-cooked gravy aisle.

It's your multiple gravy cubes. Yeah, melts in your pocket. You just walk it home, isn't it? The promise is you walk it home and by the time you get home, it's piping hot gravy, isn't it? But it starts off as a sort of cold cube, gradually slows down, just absorbs your body heat and is able to do that because it's the centre of the galaxy. That's why we think that can work. So I'm genuinely interested, Ben. You don't think our galaxy has a centre? It's definitely not the sun.

So if you think of the galaxy as an Italian town, it needs to have a little central square with some nice cafes and stuff, doesn't it? And then everything else is built around that. Tourist spot, yeah. Nice little tourist spot. So we're kind of like the police station next to the grubby industrial estate. Which hopefully you don't end up on on holiday. It's not even the main police station.

No, it's the one with the vice squad. Yeah. And it's corrupt as hell. Genuinely though, what do you mean when you're saying, so, cause in my understanding of is our galaxy is the Milky way in the middle of it, there's the sun and various planets go around. You don't know the difference between the galaxy and a solar system. It's a solar system within a galaxy.

Yeah, so the galaxy is made up of like thousands of solar systems. Okay, okay. But I think generally everything is based in the universe, around a kind of rotating around a central sphere, isn't it? Generally, that's the sort of model for it. You know, in terms of town planning, it's not strip communities, it's central square, it's the Italian hub. It's not blocks. It's not blocks. It's not strip communities. It's central square. It's the Italian hub. It's not blocks. It's your market squares, isn't it? It's central thing and everything kind of rotates around that, whatever. It's Bologna rather than Chicago. Lovely. Yes. Nicely done. Thank you.

And for that reason, like a lot of towns, which are old market towns, but in modern times now have to have a one way system for it to actually work. And that's why most planets tend to rotate in the same direction, don't they? Okay. Which is clockwise at the moment. Well until they're fully wound. Then it's spring all the way back. And then it's going to be super fast. It's going to be, well it's going to be, and the other way...

It's going to be wet round. Wet round. It's going to be... Wow. It's going to be super fast. It's going to be the other way around. It's going to be super fast. It's going to be the other way around. So instead of night following day, day will follow night for us, but incredibly fast. So good luck making a fucking Marco Pio White scrambled eggs in that universe. But also we'll be going back in time rapidly, right? Back in time super, super rapidly.

You can unscramble eggs at that point for the first time. It'll be quite exciting. Which means actually watching the film Benjamin Button will actually weirdly make a lot more sense than it does now. Oh, that's it. Ow! Snap! Whoa! Yeah.

Ow! So essentially you're watching the film Benjamin Button without the sort of gimmick. So you're just watching a movie about a man growing old. But all other films will be quite hard to follow. Yeah. Except Memento as well will be quite hard to follow. Yeah. Yeah. Except Memento as well will be, will be more straightforward, I suppose, in a way. That's true. Sound of music probably not worth your time.

Well, um, yeah. Ooh. Raw nerve. I really like the sound of music, that's all. So just, just tread carefully. Would that become a film about them welcoming the Nazis? It would be a film about them sort of as the Nazis are growing power, moving from Switzerland into Austria, moving from neutral Switzerland into the kind of palms of the... Joining a nunnery.

Joining a nunnery. Oh, maybe that is okay. Getting a bit disheartened by living with a bunch of slightly annoying. It's just bowing out of the geopolitical happenings. No, they're bowing in joining in the nunnery. Doesn't she join in the nunnery in the film? No, she's from a nunnery. Doesn't she?

The beginning. Maybe I'm thinking of Sister Act. Oh, let's do it. Can we do a thing where we slow fade on that track, just slow fade it out. And then me coming going enough from those tosses. I work quite well. Actually, that led up quite nice. We might use that quite a lot going going. I have to go through the whole back catalog. Come on then. Bean machine. Let's do it. Come on then, PIN Machine, let's do it.

Okay, if you want to put something into the Beam Machine, simply go to enterthebeammachine.boat and Andrew from Leeds did that very thing. Thanks, Andrew. Thank you, Andrew. And the topic he put in is adverts. Hmm. Hmm. Well, we've been talking about ads already, haven't we? It's funny when that happens. What ads have we been talking about?

We were talking about pension ads a minute ago. That's true. That's true. I don't really see as many television adverts as I did in the golden age because I tend to, like most people, I think, watch a lot of streaming stuff. There's no ads. Which is tough on the old, the sort of John Lewis types, isn't it? The event advert. Oh yes. They still manage to keep that going as an event advert, but it feels like it's slightly losing its steam, doesn't it?

I couldn't, I don't think I could tell you what happened in the last one. Oh, good point. This is the big Christmas adverts. Is this a nation, is this a sort of worldwide thing in sort of religious festivals and holidays? Do other nations do this? Yeah, just to explain, there is a department store in Britain called John Lewis and their saying is never knowingly undersold, which I've never understood. Well, can I say I do understand it.

But can you communicate to people of lower intelligence? John Lewis makes the promise never knowingly undersold. Now what that means is... Which by the way, they're bringing back, are they? So they got rid of it and they said they're bringing it back. And I still was like, but I never knew what it meant. I still didn't know what it means. Put it this way. The knowingly is doing a lot of bloody work in

that sentence. I think. I still don't understand it. I mean, Yeah, no, that's great. I appreciate you being cynical about it. But I don't know what you're being cynical about. That's the thing. So here's the thing. What it means is, for example, if you go into John Lewis and there's an oven for sale, I don't know if that's even possible. Can you buy an oven? Yeah. Probably.

Aren't they just always installed? It is possible to buy an oven. You can buy an oven, right? You can buy an oven. There isn't this like a set number of ovens in the world that houses and flats have to be built around. You find more ovens if you're lucky enough to find an oven seam. Actually, you know, I'm going to give you a real example, which actually in terms of Venn diagrams, this is an anecdote that's to do with John Lewis, but also overlaps into

an anecdote about me losing things. An oven? No, not an oven, but I've lost- But you're up to it. If anyone's up to it, it's you, isn't it? So I have lost a lot of things in my life. I've got slightly better, mainly because I've lost all my stuff. So I don't really have as much stuff anymore to lose. But one of the things, you shouldn't be proud of this guy, but there's a kind of perverse pride, which I have actually, I did, I have lost, I did once lose a radiator. I think it's quite unusual.

It was a radiator that I bought in John Lewis and they left on the tube. It was a big bulk, it was a heavy mother as well. It was an oil. It was a lovely, lovely thing. Would have kept me really warm that winter. Oh, the bomb squad must have had to spend hours. Millions of taxpayers money. Millions upon millions. As they floated it out on hot air balloons into the sea. We're going to have to have to sacrifice the future of Britain's having any hope of

mastering and being at the forefront of AI. We're gonna have to put our best AI robot on the case. We're gonna have to sacrifice it for this. We're gonna set back our economy by a decade. Cyber Steve. Cyber Steve, I'm sorry, we have a big future plan for you, but it's now changed to you're gonna get in a small boat with this radiator. You're gonna row out into the middle of the North Sea and we're going to blow you up. So I've just learned love. But I have so much to offer.

I've invented a new way of scrambling eggs. I understand the concept of never knowingly undersold doesn't matter, Steve. In fact, I perceive I'm actually unscrewing your face so that I don't identify with you as much anymore. So this could be easier for all all of us unscrew your face. It's coming off and we're gonna replace it with this drawing of koala's ass. I've just made it easier for all of us ever on the team. Point being, yeah, I once left a radio on the tube, but I bought it from John Lewis.

So when I was buying that radiator, what it means is that John Lewis didn't know if there was a cheap one around at the time of selling. So, so it will never knowingly sell you something. What it means is, in theory, I could go to another shop. So it's like, we're cheaper than all of our competitors, but we're not going to check. No, no, no. What it means is if it's by accident, then, you know, hold the hands up. It's almost like saying I've never knowingly murdered anyone and expected people to think you're a great guy. Now, what it means is if I've gone to another shop, for example, a Curry's, bought the same

radiator, taken that radiator to John Lewis, show them the radiator and the receipt, and if it was for less than what they were charging, they would say, yep, right, you asked, thanks for pointing it out. So then they're saying that they have undersold you instead of overcharged. Isn't that the word? Yeah, the undersold bit is the bit I don't understand. I think the problem is that undersold isn't a word. No, what they're saying is that if Currys are providing that radiator at the lower price, I don't know if it means they'll pay the difference or they'll

lower their price to match the Currys radiator, if you see what I mean. But what does the word undersold mean? That means someone else selling the same thing cheaper. Never knowingly overcharging you. I would just call it the John Lewis price guarantee. Has it just been at some point a couple of ad execs have gone, we can't call it the price guarantee everyone says that, it's really boring. Don't worry, I've invented a word undersold and they've presented it to the committee

and the committee has been so embarrassed that none of them know what it means, that they've just waved it through. I think I still would have gone with, for John Lewis, price promise. We've got crazy bargains. The washing machines are practically walking out of the shops themselves and inserting them into your home themselves for free. Our boss must be barking mad with the price of these mops.

Yeah, Ben, have I told you about the time where the service is so good in John Lewis? I once went in there was browsing toasters. I was looking for a toaster. And left with a radiator. That's how good it is. And got home with that without either. And when I was in there, I got chatting to, because the staff are very, they're very Marco Pio white, they're just very soothing and everything feels okay in that world. They help you to make the best purchase for you. And I don't know, just you feel really comfortable there. And basically someone spotted that, or it came up a conversation with me and the person there that a button was loose on my naval style P coat. Yeah,

I was wearing a time Navy blue, you know, the buttons with the anchors on. Yeah. I've seen that coat. And while I was browsing for toasters, they whisked my coat up to haberdashery and put a new button on and whisked it down for me. But just in time for me to say I'm not going to buy a toaster today, thanks. But I will take my pique back, thank you. By which time the lining of the jacket was replete with tiny microphones, little video cameras, and tracking devices. We think this was the man who left that huge pipe bomb on the tube. One of the most audacious attempts. One of the most poorly concealed bombs.

Poorly concealed, obvious bomb. Even with different settings on it. You could turn up to how hot the bomb was at 0-9. Enough from those tosses. Let's go on with the show. The other thing that's confusing about its advert, just to keep us on theme of never knowingly undersold is that it's sort of trying to say that it's good value, but at the same time it is just known to be and is quite an expensive shop. Like everything in there is quite expensive. Yeah, but it's just expensive stuff, I guess that they stock. Yeah. But what it is, it's got this place in the national imagination, which is a bit like M&S, which is, it's sort of like, it's there for you.

Like it's where you'd go for something like mothballs. Do you know what I mean? Or like a button or something. It's kind of household solutions as well. It almost feels like it's part shop and part kind of government. It feels institutional in some way. It's an institution. There's, I mean, in Exeter we have a John Lewis and it's literally the biggest building in the

city. It dwarfs the cathedral. Wow. You can pretty much see it from anywhere within the city limits. Who is the current Bishop of John Lewis? It's Reginald Featherbed. Anyway, advertising wise, every Christmas, the British listeners who know this, for the past 15 or 20 years have decided or have gone, we're going to make an iconic advert every

Christmas. And it did work. Maybe the equivalent is the Super Bowl thing. The arms race to have the... I think Super Bowl ads are supposed to be sort of glitzy and spectacular and funny, right? Yes. Whereas your Christmas ad has to be a of glitzy and spectacular and funny, right? Yes. Whereas your Christmas ad has to be a tearjerker.

Heart rending. Yeah. And so what was the first one that really launched them? That's a good question. Well a key component of these is they get a famous song. They get a young female vocalist to cover it. To do a kind of breathy acoustic version. Yeah.

That became a kind of real trope that started to irritate me quite a lot in the world of music. Yeah. And it would always be like, twisted fire starter, twisted fire starter. The more like, the more anti the mood of the song. They're quite dark. There's a lot of early evening people cuddled up in warm clothes and candlelight, that kind of thing.

The lighting's all very soft. And then often there's a sort of CGI penguin involved or a snowman. There'll be a CGI penguin. There'll be a child showing kindness quite often. Yes. Maybe the first one was the one where the kid was getting ready for Christmas. And then it turned out that the thing they were worried about was that the present they were going to give their parents and not the present they were going to receive.

Yeah, which is just a lie and just not true. So wild fantasy. It's a wild, world fantasy. If you're cynical, you could argue that it's dressing up the biggest consumer hit moment, you know, of the year for those shops by getting you in your, in your, in your emotions. But it is accepted, even though this is, it's a nation that has a reputation has been quite buttoned up. Yes. People don't seem to find it too moreorkish. They're quite tastefully done though, the John Lewis ads. They have been quite good. There's been a couple of not exactly missteps, but a few. I remember there was a weird one where the kid was given a telescope. Oh, the Peda on the moon. Looked on the moon where there was a sex offender. Exiled sex offender. An exiled sex offender. An exiled sex offender had been sent to the moon.

Which was a big idea in policy circles at the time, wasn't it? It was an idea that was being talked about. That was the way they focus grouped it. Put it in the John Lewis ad, see how it goes down. Yeah, it had a slightly creepy, bizarre... I don't remember that. Yeah. Yeah, it was a bad one.

It felt creepy and weird. There was an old man on the moon and she was looking through a telescope and it felt like a child adult relationship that hadn't been sanctioned by the parental unit. Exactly. That was it. That was it. Yes. Yeah. She has a special friendship with an old man. It felt weird. Stranger danger. Stranger danger knows no distance. Stay safe kids. Even the moon's too close. And remembering the one they did last year or the year before, there was quite a good one. I thought was good. It was good. It was

the guy learning skateboard. It was extremely good. That one was very good. That was good. I'm actually right now, I'm struggling to talk about it. It was so emotional. It was so good. Do you remember this one, Mike? I'm not sure I do. It was about fostering or adopting children. And basically in the run up to Christmas, this guy was learning to skateboard and he didn't know why. No, there's a great reveal because you don't know why do you? And it turns out it's because they're fostering a kid. So when the kid arrives, he goes, do you want to go skateboarding? It's such a sweet moment. And of course they cut it before what actually happened, which is you go, go fuck yourself. You're not my real dad.

I'm just making a bit of a bister in the garden. I'm just making a bit of a bister and I'm going to snap my fucking skateboard enough because you like it now. So I can't like it. Yeah. Get stuffed. Yeah. Enough from those tosses.

Let's go on with the show. I wonder if we can create a good John Lewis ad now together. Well my John Lewis ad is this. Ready? Christmas is coming and it's time to buy buy buy. We've got toasters, £7.99. We've got fridges, £3.99. We've got Christmas pyjamas, £4.99. These mops are £6.99. If you buy 10 mops, they're £4.99. Do not miss that kind of advert. Because that's basically when we were kids, like in the 80s, that's what adverts were, right?

It was like a celebrity walking up to, I don't know, a CD player and going, CD players now £3.99. Of Junction 8 on the M27. Yeah. Yeah. Most of the junctions were important. Yes. A deadline was important.

Yes. Only until April the 29th. Can't put 74.499. Everything was £9. important. Yes. Only until April 29th. Can't put 74,499. Everything was 99. Yeah, it's a way of saying a price that is never said in any other context. Yeah. You never go, how much is a pint near? 799. It's just not a way of saying a price, is it? Should we have another go at making an ad? John Lewis ad? What do you reckon? Okay. What are you trying to sell, Lou? Or do you start with the music? Where do you start?

You need some visual, some Christmas-based visual, ideally, right? Like a stocking, right? Because some of them have a journey of redemption, right? A stocking-faced bank robber? Oh, that's good. He's just smoked a father of three in the back of a nationwide... Because he needs to buy Christmas presents too. So I think the first shot we get Mike in this, it's a Christmas tree shape we can make out on camera. As it comes into focus, we realise that it's a Christmas tree shaped hole in

the body of the father, the camera is looking through that. And the light of the strip lights of the bank glistening off the tears of the recently orphaned children. Yeah, exactly. Okay, great start. So now the stocking phase, so this guy's, he's robbed a bank, he's got stocking on his head. The dad was in the bank to withdraw money to make purchases.

Yep. John Lewis. So the guy, he's got Christmas stocking on his head, has he? Well, that's where it's going. I think that's what it's going to become. So at the moment it's just a standard stocking, which also you can purchase at John Lewis. You can purchase, yeah. So what happens next?

Any denier of your dreams. Where do we want to end up? I think it's good to know. I think the perfect ending, I think the main child, the larger of the three children. Have they witnessed the execution of the father? They've witnessed it. Their faces are spattered with blood, guts, bits of spine and their own tears. And some cranberry sauce, to be fair.

Well, that's the thing. That's what you want the audience home to be thinking about when they look at the mulch they want to be thinking about cranberry sauce. I think that's what you want the audience home to be thinking about when they look at the mulch, they want to be thinking about Crown Resource. I think the ending really, because we've had redemption before, right? So we think this is going to be about redemption of the bank robber. Actually what it's going to be is the oldest child, the 10-year-old girl, she takes charge of the family. She presents the younger children, they have a stocking after all. Yes, it's, it's actually the stocking that was over the bank robber. What's the present at the bottom? It's the

bank robber's severed head. The gift is a vengeance. Very good. And what they can do is they can take the head and instantly cover it in a Waitrose glaze because, because Waitrose is obviously linked to John Lewis. They can cover that nice Waitrose glaze, pop that in the oven, then cut to carving of the bank robbers head. They all have, they all have a bit. Um, one wants the red meat, which is probably sort of chin and jaw, uh, sort of cheeks, isn't it? And white meets the brain. Yeah. And so there's a bit of fun with that bulbous nose. Yeah. A bulbous nose that they, that they use as a kind of wisdom. What's it called? That stick thing? The wishbone, the wishbone. There's a wish nose because there's a lot of areas

where you can have some fun. I think a nice way to end it to make it a bit more funny than somebody else because it's feeling a little bit dark. Oh, there's got to be a bit of humor in there. A bit of humor. If the youngest kid does a little guff and the sister, the orphan's elder sister says, what was that about? And she goes, um, oh was just, um, it's a classic Christmas, um, brain offal gulf. Yeah. You've got your little ending, haven't you? Yeah. And throughout that whole process, the, the, the stocking hasn't laddered. It hasn't mattered because these are high quality purchases from, from the

Dom Lewis shop. Yeah. And then does, does the children's mother come down the stairs and wait for the spot to happen? Yeah, good question. I've been wondering about her. I'd imagined her already dead. From a similar incident that happened at the previous Easter. You know, as they're all talking into the bank robbers head, you could maybe the camera, and you've had the guff jet, the camera could pan to the stuffed sort of effigy body of the mother they've kept. Oh,

she's on top of the Christmas tree. They've lacquered their mother using this sort of Soviet, you know, Lenin technology. She's always looking over them and she approves. She strongly approves. It's all there, isn't it? It's all there. And can I say I know it's a little bit early, but happy Christmas everyone. Happy Christmas everyone.

Enough from those tosses. Let's go on with the show. When I was a kid, I used to listen to the radio a lot. I still do, but there was a lot of advert, I used to listen to commercial radio. Wave 105. There we go. Mine was Red Dragon FM. Nice. We had Power FM as well, aren't we? Those adverts are fantastic. I can remember some of them so vividly. The best one being, there was a motorcycle shop in South Wales called Riders.

The advert goes, with the wind in your hair, the wind in your hair, riders. Nice. Quinn's, the bar that quenches any quirk of taste. What's that? That was for Quinn's. What's Quinn's? Quinn's, the bar that quenches any quirk of taste. But that's like never knowingly undersold. What does that mean? It's just a bar, but it was in a place where there was quite good parking. What's a quirk of taste? And basically the subtext is, if you're divorced and in your 50s, you still might get a shag

there. Because there's always a subtext. Because they don't need to advertise to people in their 20s. They're going to a pub anyway. Exactly. So hang on. Any quirk of taste. So if If you've got unusual tastes in drinks, if you go anyone, I want chilled goat's blood. I think Henry's on to something. I mean, the implication is on the surface level, it's about quirk of drink taste, but they're saying there's bloody all sorts here and they're

up for it. It's been incredibly dark in here and the alcohol is incredibly strong. It's too dark to see what we're putting in the glasses. And it's just around the corner from a holiday inn. It's all perfectly set up. There's no CCTV in the car park. So would that play on Power FM? Yeah, yeah. Power FM or Wave 105, yeah. All the locals. Also, we do offer service where we can chemically castrate you on the way and you don't have

to take it up, but it's an offer we make. Just means you can, because it gives you more peace of mind, doesn't it? But we should remind you that herpes does remain incurable. And even a very strong Shinzano lemonade will not combat against that. It's a shame that we still have to make this comment, or I still have to say this, but funnelling Baileys up your anus makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. But if it's for leisure purposes, that's fine because this is Quinn's, the bar that quenches any quirk of taste.

It might still exist. It's quince still there. Where would it have been? In Portsmouth? Yeah, somewhere. And remember, that's herpes, incurable, but thriving. Thriving on Portsea Island today. As far as I can tell, Mike, there is no evidence of quince. Oh. I think the whole thing became so ranted with herpes, they had to just sort of seal it into

a concrete bunker. Like Chernobyl. Yeah. You can actually pay for tours of it though now. You can go and visit but you have to wear a hazmat suit and stuff. Enough from those tosses. Let's get on with the show. Time to read your emails and instead of the usual email jingle, I'm going to play something

sent in by Jerry. Now this is, I've listened to it, it's very good. It's kind of all of our jingles and theme tune mashed into one. But it's mainly using a lot of the email jingle stuff so I thought I'd play it here. So here we go. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you, Jerry email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me?

Yes, some of it This represents progress Like a robot Chewing a horse Take me your horse Hehehehe My beautiful horse You must give thanks when you send an email Wow, there's a lot going on there.

There really was. Well done, Jerry. You know when they send a bit of music or something in a pod duel out to space, in case aliens find it or whatever, I think they should put that on the next one. That's good. Well, the first one reminded me very much of like 80s ET type films, that first few bars felt like you'd be seeing a sort of suburban family scene, you know, waiting for the school bus just before it goes. And then it went into something that would be very good for

the Christmas advert, I think. It got very jazzy. When it went jazzy, it made me think of like the kind of music that would be playing in the background in a spaceship in Doctor Who in the 70s, like in a bar scene or something in a spaceship. But I think send it to space, put it in the next podule. And await destruction. And await destruction, because I think it'll to space, put in the next podule and await destruction and wait destruction because I think it'll be good for the human race rather than to grudge because it looks like we're going to Peter out gradually. We're going to run out

of natural resources, temperatures are going to go up. Penguins will become either dead or in charge. One or the other. Obviously that the crabs will rise, but even the crabs will then fall. But we'll be living any humans humans that left alive will be living in caves eating cultivated mould. Actually sometimes eating non-cultivated mould. That's how bad it'll get. Well, that's what would be the cause of wars. The mould wars.

Between the remaining tribes. Exactly, then the mould wars. There'll be mould war one, mould war two. The cold mould war. And there'll be some great documentaries made about it. The mould at war. And there's some great documentaries made about it. The world, the mold at war. And rather than that, rather than that slow petering out, if that's got centre space aliens listen to it, they just thump, just squidge human, you know, squidge the planet in one go and it's over.

Or just wrap us up in cling film and wait for everyone to, you know, fix it, whatever it is, however they choose to do it. Thank you to everyone who sent us an email. Thank you. Thank you. Let's start with this from Ashley. Hi Beans, I recently saw a clip of Ben on Richard Herring's podcast and he's slightly taller than I'd imagined. Thanks Ash.

Lovely stuff. Really nice. I'm not enjoying this idea that the listenership in general feel that I am bald and short. That's what I'm giving off. It's DeVito isn't it? You're pictured as a UK DeVito. As the penguin though, I think as well. DeVito as the penguin. So yeah, it's evil DeVito. It's not likeable DeVito. It's just the energy you give off, Ben.

It's just the energy. There's nothing you can do about it. Next email is from Michael. Hello Michael. From North Carolina. I'm originally from Kingslyn in Norfolk, but have been here for over 20 years now, and your podcast is a key way of my strategy to expose my kids brackets Marin11 and Sander8 to British culture. They certainly appreciate your brand of Leek on Banter, so that's a win. They both love the idea of provincial dads and believe quite rightly that I am one. They know I like nothing more than thinking

about efficient route planning. Which is why for my recent birthday, Marin made me this provincial dad activity book. Well done Marin. This is so thoughtful. This child has understood the middle-aged provincial man beautifully. So basically it's a kind of route planning game. It's really good. It's hard to explain. Objective, get to the Thai restaurant and you have a series of different routes you

can go. There's green, there's red, there's yellow. You can plan it out. Different difficulty levels. This is absolutely outstanding, Michael. I mean, you're the richest man alive, Michael. The 20% of the IP you still retain in this product, Michael, put it this way, it's going to, it'll put a maximum of one of your children

partially through college. It's sort of gamified Mike's life, hasn't it? That's what it's done. Um, congratulations. Go to the store. And well done, the mayor. And that's just superb work. Traffic, light weight, green equals good, no traffic weight. It's a huge part of the population that this child has understood, has got to grips with

there. I mean, I think this is a future leader we're dealing with here. Henry, when you say that Michael retains 20% of the IP, are you saying that we retain 80% as progenitors of the provincial dads or are you saying Marin? No, no, no, no. Sorry. Sorry. That, that is us. Yeah.

Marin, of course, is a minor. Unfortunately, legally it's going to be a lifelong battle to get anything out of this. See you in court. See you in court. See you in court. Well, thanks for sharing that, Michael. Thank you. That's brilliant.

Absolutely. Hats off to the creator. Superb. It's time to pay the ferryman. Thanks to everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much. patreon.com four slash three bean salad. There are different tiers you can sign up for. You can get ad free episodes, you get the monthly bonus episode, you get our film, I

was about to say review, but more... I don't know if review's the right word. It's pushing it, isn't it? Yeah. Film discussion podcast? An exploration of what cinema can achieve. Film corner. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

Not half. Where Mike was last night. I was indeed. You had a visitor in the lounge last night, wasn't it? It was Hollywood actor Jack Black was there. Because it was the old Barak Jack Black night. It was. Thank you, Ben.

And here's my report. It was Barak Jack Black night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, Jack Black having been lured to the lounge by Sophie Berry, supposedly to discuss remaking Sharp's Revenge with Sean Bean reprising his role as Sharp, and Jack Black playing his cowardly, wise-cracking musket, Flenty. In fact, Sean Bean was hiding in the lounge sub-basement, playing Pygmy Hippo Polo with Suzanne Hall, Andy Elliot Smith, Tory Queen of Chaos, Adam Classons, and Lani Irving, and no such offer was on the table. Bridge and Sam Brooks led Jack Black to

the Barracking Saloon where Adel McGee and Colin D.H. Tucker had built a 47-foot high gantry, a top which Jack Black was installed before Alastair Rice took the ladder away. Gareth Llewellyn then instructed Jack Black to give any speech or performance of his choice so the Barracking could begin. Jack Black bravely chose to do a one-man version of Ben Skinner and Banjo Dave's controversial rewrite of Starlight Express, in which the protagonists are funicular rather than standard trains. This over-enraged Jim Lane and Tom Foley Phillips who are unable to barrack owing to an excess of aural fury frothing. Christine, Natalia A and Paul James Wignall conducted a well-researched barrack based on a rumor that Jack Black's mother once worked as an engineer on an intercontinental

ballistic missile project. Ben Podger attempted a rhyming barrack, but the only words he could think of to rhyme with Jack and Black were Black and Jack, and the barrack sounded more like an encouraging chant. Bryn Orton, Jan Frederick Poshwater and Connor Jeffreys attempted a barrack based on Jack Black's back catalogue, but all agreed there was something in the mix they'd admired and lost heart. This prompted Henry the Plonker to attempt a barrack using baseless smears, but he tripped over Oliver Stanley causing the barrack to misfire, accidentally assassinating the character of Zoe Lear. Desperate now, Mark Wood tried a barrack inspired by Jack Black's choice of all-weather footwear, which led to an immediate and brutal barrack backlash from

Malarco Tay, Jamie Spears, Tim Rastle and Adam Smout, who encircled Mark and barracked him into next Tuesday. David Fletcher and Justin Pietropaolo attempted to break up the internecine barrack, but, without weapons, only had barracking at their disposal and the situation deteriorated. Thinking on and perhaps with their feet, Alex McCabe, Daniel Gruner and Alex Alsop began wrenching sections of Gantry away to use as shields and discipline splinters to break up the melee. Sophie Sweet, Christine Han, Professor Julian Heppel and Tim Wu-Wu jumped on the bandwagon even though none of them had been following events enough to understand what was going on. It was Pearl McCauley who first noticed the Gantry was beginning to topple and who attempted to stabilise it by shoving Harry

Kidd under a strut like a human napkin under a wobbly chair leg. But it was to no avail, not least because Rob Dineen, Ollie Bolton and Sam Erdly were on the other side shoving the gantry with all their might. It is believed it was this which prompted the final collapse of the gantry, rather than Jamie Tullett yelling timber or Geordie Pordy pudding and pies unusual sneeze. At the time of writing, Isabelle Deany, Wanda Ottlinghouse and Alex Bailey remain trapped under the debris with Jack Black, who is keeping them occupied with a Q&A about his brief tenure on the X-Files. Liam Woodward tried to keep them all warm by setting the wood on fire, but thankfully this was blown up by Tom Vojjenik, who got a birthday wish into the bargain.

Thanks all. OK, we'll finish off with a version of the theme tune sent in by one of you. This is from Adam from Seattle. Oh, thank you Adam. Thanks Adam. He writes, In touch is my contribution to the backlog of lists of submitted renditions of the 3 Bean Sud theme. This jingle was written and recorded in the nebulous style of Twinkley's

1990s Midwestern emo, in the vein of groups like American Football and Mineral. I've heard of neither. It was recorded using three different guitars. A 2010 Fender Standard Telecaster in standard dual coil setup in Lake Placid Blue with a pickup swap through an EMGT playset. A 2021 Fender Player Jaguar Bass in Tite All Blue with a PJ pickup setup combined with a warm full sound of the Precision Bass pickup in the neck position, with the scooped midrange and bright treble of the Jazz Bass pickup in the bridge position, and also the 2021 Fender Player Telecaster with Dual Humbucker configuration in 3 colour sunburst, and finished with the decal of Bobby from King of the Hill in the Devil costume.

Absolutely delicious. I'd rather ram condemned sausage meat into my ears. In pursuit of emotional heft, I've added a clip from Henry's appearance on Margaret K. Wandsmith's excellent podcast, Crushed. Oh my Lord. Which he describes the tragic end of his first relationship. I said too much in that recording. It is my hope that his visceral reaction to being forced to relive this will only improve the listening experience.

Oh my god, this is going to be absolute torture for me. I don't know. Let's see. Oh my god. Thanks Adam. Until next time, goodbye! Bye! Thank you, bye! We're going to have to cut that, we're simply go out for a bit and in a sort of school slightly lame way, but I was just massively in love with her and then to the extent that the next holiday, I went to France with my family and I remember in France looking at the Scott stars and thinking... You trace that one, it looks a bit like a muscle car. You alright, Henry?

I'm in a very dark place. But I do recommend Margaret's podcast Crushed, Henry was a guest. It's a very good podcast. Your episode was very funny. Thanks. I've not revisited it because I spoke from the heart too much maybe. I'm going to be visiting that. Right now. Oh God.