Three Bean Salad - Animal Husbandry

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

Welcome back to Season/Series 7 (we think) of Three Bean Salad and what an opener the beans have for you as Michael from Bremen proposes the topic of animal husbandry. Expect a deeper understanding of little Christmas trees that dangle off rearview mirrors, an explanation of the principle use of passata and a rare insight into the life of Joanna Lumley.

So here we are again, eh? It's been a while. Is this season seven? I believe so. I think it's series seven. I think we're one more than Sopranos now. I think so. And we ended the last season with that. Did Henry or did Henry not get shot? And it turns out he didn't. He's back. Yeah. But speculation has been rife, hasn't it? Can we build to a big cliffhanger at the end of this season? Series? Season? Series? I don't know what the difference is between those two things. Serial? Sequence of aliquots?

What the fuck is that? What's an aliquot? It's a small clay home. Isn't it? Lived in by a goat with opposable hooves. Exactly. It's the only example of roofed structures built by goats that we know of. And it is contentious. Sure. Yeah.

And they also came up with the idea of a television program that continues the following week rather than resolving within its own episode, is that what you're saying? Goats. Well, I mean, if you've ever seen one of them walking pretty much on vertical areas of granite. It's 100% cliffhangers. Thanks very much. And we're off. Season 7. Let's go. Let's go. Oh, it's like getting into a warm bath with two friends. And we've all been in the bath together for almost a year.

It's getting a bit cold now, isn't it? Thick layer of suds resting on the top. Don't know who's, who's sticking on the side of the bath. There's a lot of, there's a kind of rainbow effect you get from a lot of oil. There's a kind of oily rainbow sheen on top of the water, isn't there, sitting there. There are some fart bubbles. The water is so thick and oily now that the fart bubbles remain, they remain. They don't burst so that you could see them.

They're a bit like bubble tea if you've ever seen a glass of bubble tea. Which means you all have to stay very, very still or they could all burst at once and dead. The algae content is such that people have started reintroducing rare forms of pike back into the bath. Which has been really lovely to see, hasn't it? It's great to see the fisheries finally thriving. Speed lovely to see the tiger pike, the rhino pike, the trout pike.

Frolicking and gambling through the waters. That's right. And of course, in order to create a fully hermetically sealed ecosystem, we're inside a big glass terrarium. And people can buy tickets to that glass. Because it's glass to see through and just observe what's going on with the sort of social experiment. It's actually hard to see in because there's so much steam.

It's so steamed up. I mean, if you think you know steamed up, think again because this is next level, isn't it? Well, it's very much like that scene in Titanic where they're having sex in a car in the galley and then her hand slaps up against the cold glass in the galley. I didn't realize that was in a galley. There's only notes to that film. I didn't realize. Is galley the wrong word?

I think that's a kitchen, isn't it? Who was in the kitchen? Someone parked their car. There were a lot of posh people on the boat there, to be fair. And posh people will park their car bloody anywhere these days. They'll park their Model T Ford anywhere. It was ship's kitchen as it's about to set sail. Why do I think that galley means something other than a kitchen?

Well, it might be because I'm wrong. I don't know. That scene is the only scene, isn't it, where the film Titanic and what happened on that faded vessel? His shadow, I think, still looms over all of us, isn't it? But yeah, it was one of the only scenes where it's actually very much like what you'd see on any cross-channel ferry, isn't it? It was people fucking in a parked car. You know what? Off to the end of a booze cruise.

Been over to galley, fill up the car with tiny bottles of lager. Yeah. And then it's just, do we watch what film have they got? It's an asterix one. Oh, sorry. Let's go back to the carport. Right. Let's just...

Uh-oh. Lewed content warning. Lewed content, content. Let's just bone in the car and... We can try that position you were going to try where you... You put a bottle of lager up your arse. I don't know. It's a tiny little stubby one.

You put a really, really tiny bottle of very, very cheap, weak French lager up your arse. I've never seen the film Titanic Bend, so you know when you mentioned that scene just now? What? You've talked about it at length on only 17 occasions on this podcast. No, no, no. The whole episode about the Titanic. And you didn't mention that you hadn't seen the movie, really. I think...

Well, the film's never as good as the real thing, is it? Yeah, that's the real thing, is it? As the book. As the book. As the novel it comes from. As the novel it comes from. Now, I tell you what, well, the Titanic is one of those films which I'm not... I couldn't tell you for sure.

If you'd asked me an hour ago, I couldn't have told you with a hundred uncertainty whether or not I'd seen the film Titanic. So if that was a clinching thing in a big legal case, that'd be quite tense because I wouldn't... If I had to... On the day, I'd be like, I'm pretty sure I've seen it, but then when I had the pen in my hand, my hand on a Bible, various oaths being sworn, do you know what I mean? What's the pen for? Yeah, you wouldn't... You didn't sign the Bible.

No, I'm just a man who likes to carry a pen. Titanic is a category of film which is, and I think a lot of people will have this. I'm not sure whether I've seen it or not because I've heard so much about it. People often describe it very vividly. There's a cultural awareness of it. There's a cultural awareness of it. I've got this with Crocodile Dundee, which I've never seen. Let me sort of paste it together with a series of GIFs and memes.

Is that what you've done? I've pieced it together. And the brain does this. It's brilliant. I've pieced it together with GIFs and memes, half remembered, you know, over head snatches the conversation on buses. The two-week skiing holiday, one time with James Cameron. You've got to be able to talk a good game on those holidays. You can't admit that you haven't seen it on those holidays.

No, exactly. You have to be ready. You've got to bloody wing it. And you always plan to make sure I've seen the whole back catalogue before I go because he's going to want to talk about it. He's going to want to know what thoughts are about it. And then you never get around to it. And then all of a sudden your flights departing. You're just hoping upon hope that the in-flight movie is a Titanic.

Yeah, yeah. Also, when you get on the skiing holiday with James Cameron, it's quite boring. Actually, because you've got to do the whole bloody thing on blue slopes. Because you're so bloody obsessed with Avatar. Yeah? Season 7? Yeah, there we go. I mean, it's all right.

Hey, by the way, quickly, guess what? The other day, this is huge, right? This is crept up on us and no one's warned us. There's nothing in the press. I watched a film the other day in the cinema and there was a trailer for... Avatar 2. Avatar 2. Have you seen it?

No, I've not seen the trailer. I'm aware that it's on its way, though. So the trailer... I wouldn't say that I'm excited. I think it's December. In fact, it may be Christmas. This holiday season. This holiday season.

How better to celebrate? You've missed them. We've all missed them. You've forgotten about them. So have some of us on the team, in fact. But I'm just reading a script here. Yeah, like... Is it pit-as-all that we remember who everyone was and what happened at the end of it and all that stuff?

Really? Because it might be in big trouble if that's the case. Not really, I think, Mike, because based on the trailer, it's exactly the same film. Oh, fine. I mean, nothing seems to have changed, particularly. They might have to do a thing when you go in and it goes, Previously on Avatar. And then they show you the entire of Avatar.

The whole of Avatar. I'll tell you what happened was when the trailer came on, it's so weird to have a film where the sequel is... I think I felt that most of the people in the audience didn't even have a particular cultural reference for Avatar, so it wasn't even a big deal because basically what I sensed was a palpable lack of awe at everything that was happening on the screen, because it's one of those moments where it's like, you know, this... I think presumably what Cameron wants is for people to be like,

What the... And like, to push their loved ones aside, maybe drop a babe from the teat, you know, into a box of popcorn. Like people to just drop everything they were doing. Which to be fair, should have been just looking at the screen anyway. But some trailers are perfect sort of final panic wee bog rush opportunities, aren't they? It sounds like maybe that was one of them. Yeah, to be honest, it really didn't...

It was just something... Because it had the usual thing that trailers having a sweeping shots and kind of like music that was... Everything was supposed to be like... Or grandeur. How did it begin with some haunting indigenous music? It was absolutely... It was like...

Feels like it could do. It was like playing shuffle in Peter Gabriel's car. Music wise. Yeah, it was pan pipes. It was global uplift. That would be the mood. And then it turns. And then it turns.

It didn't even particularly turn. You know what it felt like? It felt like a sort of holiday ad. For a country that... For a holiday you just don't really fancy. It would take 15,000 years to get through. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is a real ballack if you've got small kids. Let me tell you. Yeah. And the jet lag. I mean, we're talking six years to get over that jet lag. People don't have time for that thing for a holiday, do they? It's 15 years to get there and back anyway. So you have to get to cryogenic storage.

I mean, the whole thing's... It's not worth it, darling. There's also the jet lag-like feeling you get when you get entirely converted into CGI and back again. Yeah, that's not... It's a horrible... It's like a 10-day hangover. Yeah.

And also, the fact is you just want to go on the holiday, right? So the holiday version of the Avatar experience is you stay in the military compound. You maybe go out in a chopper every day and they're like... Shoot with blue thing. Shoot some blue stuff. Then you're back in a compound by six for a buffet foot rub.

It's a bit of a cabaret show, something like... Cabaret show. Early evening for the kids. A bit bluer. Yeah. Appropriately in the evening. Yeah. Play the National Anthem.

Everyone stands up for the National Anthem and goes to bed. That's it. Yeah. But that's the holiday you want, but what happens is you inevitably get to end up falling in with the blue resistance movement and you're supposed to be relaxing for your job, actually. You've turned.

You're now with the blue people. You're sabotaging helicopters right, left and centre. Sabotaging helicopters. You're largely missing the cabaret acts, which you're paying for. Yeah. Because you're printing out propaganda leaflets, which you're also paying for.

Yeah. Yeah. You're having to execute the, well, the metrodae of the hotel who actually plumped your pillows for you. Sorry, you plumped them in front of you. Is that what a metrodae does? What's a metrodae do?

I don't think so. I do think so. What's the future? Is that why you're executing it? It's got complications all of a sudden. It feels like he's really zeroed in on this poor guy. This is the thing, like, you don't want complications. You're on holiday.

Ugly things happen, I guess, in these situations. Exactly. And eventually, you're sabotaging the intergalactic vessel that's supposed to be taking you back home. The point I was making, though, sorry to go back, was the fact that the Titanic is one of the songs where I think a lot of people, probably, aren't sure whether they've seen it or not,

because it's in the culture so much. Also, it's on TV so much. It has been that I've channel-hopped to it and watched large chunks. I've watched large chunks of the film. But what happens is... So, you know, if you'd asked me this morning, I'd have said I probably have seen it.

But then what happens every now and then, if someone will refer to a scene in Titanic, I've got no idea what they're talking about. That happened with you, Ben. You've said a scene where they're having sex in a car. I genuinely thought you were joking. I thought, how the hell has that happened in Titanic? Because I've seen Titanic and that didn't happen.

Because you don't remember Stevens, the girl having sex at all during the scene. How's he having sex if he's in the middle of killing some terrorists and over the Titanic? Because it doesn't make any sense at all, exactly. He hasn't got time for that. I didn't realise that happened. Is there a bit of steam and a hand goes on the window?

This is an iconic moment in the film, maybe the most iconic, which is that... Yeah, there's a steamy car window and then Winslet's hand slaps up against it. In a moment of pure ecstasy. Leo's hit the spot, basically. Yeah, that's what they're saying. Leo, content warning.

Leo, content, content. And basically, she's getting that kind of dirty, lower-deck sex that she's never been able to have in her upper-class life. Right, yeah, because she's had... The kind of sex she's had is the kind of sex where everything's got a doily under it. Literally. At least four ladies in waiting in attendance throughout. And that was when you had to go.

Everyone involved. You can't see a thing. Yeah, both of your mothers and fathers are there. And a doctor. With a set of calibrated specular. Measuring everything in great detail and documenting the whole thing. That's right. There's a phrenologist.

Who's doing bollock phrenology. There's a bollock... There's a bollock phrenologist. And it's incredibly difficult work because he's got to work with mo... You know, bollocks are in motion. So he's in motion himself. And each nut might have contrasting data as well. That's why there's two rival bollock phrenologists.

And they're both sort of in a kind of... I don't know, they're sort of swinging, aren't they? They're both in a kind of device that swings their phrenology. They're doing phrenology on the move, which is very, very difficult. There'll be a harpist. And the only thing that is quite nice is... Halfway through, there'll be French fancies will come out. Whether everyone will both have a French fancy.

That's true. Someone will be in the corner with a set of dueling pistols just in case. That's right. Pete Tong. At the end, a big, big gammon pie is brought out. Yes. And it's the opposite, isn't it, of bursting out of a cake, which is the happy couple then have to burst into the pie. Get in the ham.

Get in the ham! And it's a historical thing to do with hiding their shame. The parents will start wailing. The phrenologists normally then end up in a fight, don't they? But then drinking and drowning their sorrows together. Tough times. Tough, tough times. But in Titanic, what they do is they...

There's a moment where they signify how she has fallen from her lofty sort of class. There's a bit where she meets some Irish people. Because they're poor but happy. Exactly. Poor but happy. Dancing conditions where they're dancing a jig. Exactly. It's a really subtle textured base of social commentary.

It really is, isn't it? She dances a jig. She's ready to go. Then all they've got to do now is find somewhere where someone's left a car, which you ordinarily would be quite hard on a boat, but on this one, they're luck within. I can't remember if that's pre or post the other iconic scene, Henry, which is when the sabertooth tiger escapes.

That's right. Up through one of the iconic chimneys, isn't it? Yeah. One of the chimneys starts just producing it. It turns out it's a portal to another time. Yeah. And it says, just sabertooth tiger after sabertooth tiger after sabertooth tiger. They're taking on Dwayne the Rock Johnson,

who's emerging from the sea, who's half fish, half scorpion. That's right. That's a great scene. What I was going to say is I'm not sure if it's before or after the iconic scene. You must have seen this one, where she gets naked and he draws her. Yeah, I've heard about that one.

Come on. Draw me like one of your French girls, is what she says. Is that what she says? Yeah. Is she talking to Henry to lose the track at that point? She's talking to Thierry-Henry. French what was that? That's right.

Well, to save the Titanic, isn't it, at the end, they just need a big spur of power to get through the iceberg. And they just need one large round chunk of coal, but it has to be transported from one end of the ship to the other, doesn't it, to get down the engines. So Thierry-Henry has to dribble it. They need the fastest dribbler in the football scene in Europe. And he dribbles, he dribbles.

Doesn't he? He does kicky-uppies and lobs it over some sort of posh, snooty people. Yeah. Knut makes a couple of sort of deck hands. And then just smashes it right into the boiler. So it's too late, as we know, tragically. Yeah. Yeah, so there's a scene where he draws...

Does she say draw me like one of your French girls? Yeah, I think that's the famous quote, isn't it? So he draws French girls. He's been in the habit of drawing French girls, I think, is the thing. That's what he's... Is that his thing? That's his hobby? Is it his job?

Right. It's a hobby. It's a job. I think hobby. So I don't know why. I'm talking about it as if she's my daughter and I'm... This is a prospective partner. So tell me about this.

So that's your job, is it? Drawing French women. This is the problem. I mean, I would much rather watch that film where someone does, you know, scrutinise this scene. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And her arcing gene comes in and says, well, what do you mean?

Who are these French girls? Is this a professional arrangement? What's the deal? I think he's a... I think he might be an American guy who's like living on his wits and he spends a bit of time in Paris and, you know, a bit of this, bit of that. Yeah. And I think he gets his...

I think he gets his ticket to the Titanic by gambling at the beginning. I think he wins it. There's definitely some sort of... Hunk of games or jinks or japs or trickery or something. Okay. Yeah. And probably... I don't know.

I don't remember because it's been a long time. Probably a scene where he has to leave a grimy bar in a bit of a hurry. Oh, yeah. For sure. Those scenes. Great scenes. The beginnings of films. You know where you are.

Oh, he's a bit of a scamp this one. What's his character called? Do you remember? Jack. Jack, is it? Jack. Jack Frost in the last scene, from what I remember. You've not seen it, Henry.

Stop trying to make out. You've seen Titanic. He doesn't need... He frees us up at the end, doesn't he? He does. He does fall into the sea. Well, she puts... She essentially pushes him into the sea.

Well, she keeps him... Yeah, because he's so poor and below her class and that's why at the end she goes, What have I been doing? And she writes the social order. She really comes to her senses, yeah. And drops him into the sea. And they kept him frozen, didn't they? Just in case for a sequel or whatever, because he couldn't be defrosted, but they never...

There's still time. The rate that James Cameron's going, there's still time. He could be defrosted in the Avatar universe. Well, he'd be blue as always. That's the idea. It was originally... Avatar was originally the sequel to Titanic, which is he gets defrosted. He's blue.

He's bright blue. They called it the blue technology, but actually they thought people weren't really interested in Titanic anymore. So they just tweaked it. The smallest of tweaks. The smallest of tweaks. Okay, time to turn on the bean machine. Okay, so this week's topic as sent in by Michael

Hello. Is animal husbandry. Oh. Well, what is animal husbandry again? Yeah, that's my question. Isn't it just quite an ancient term for just looking after an animal? I mean, if you're looking after rearing chickens, aren't you doing some chicken husbandry? You are a chicken husband.

You are a chicken husband. But crucially, those chickens are not your hen wives. It goes one way is what you're saying. That's the key difference. It's a unilateral marriage. And I tell you what, especially... Good luck with that, calling a hen your wife. Because if you've met some of these hens these days, these girls are absolutely...

They're independent. They're really full of energy and ideas. They've got a lot of eggs. But they're absolutely there. Nobody's mugs. I tell you what, they are not. They're really going places. And absolutely good luck to them actually hats off.

Because these hens, if you see them, they're clocking around, they're walking around the fields. Or the barnyard area. They don't care, do you know what I mean? They are strutting it, girl. And you, yeah? You better don't worry about it, yeah? So, Henry, is your idea of feminism that inspiring you? Your idea of feminism that if women, to quote you directly, are full of ideas,

then they won't get married. What? I'm talking about a bit of hens. I'm talking about hens. Oh, okay. Sure. I'm talking about hens. I have no idea what you're on about.

Welcome to the Flightless Bird Zone. No, please, not my face! I'm saying that these hens, they're going places. They're pecking on their own schedules. They're pecking here, they're pecking there. You can't tell a hen where to peck. And also, a lot of them will choose to eat seeds now or a bit later, or often just as and when.

Do you know what I mean? It's very loose. It's all very... It's very ad hoc, isn't it? It's very ad hoc life. It's very ad hoc, it's very unconstricted. It's very modern and absolutely great. And I think it's absolutely great.

I just want to say that. Thanks, Henry. But that's in complete contrast, of course, to hogs, for example. Hogs? Yeah, I did get him starting on the sounds. They did not know what they're doing. I mean, they are an absolute disgrace. They're literally wandering around.

They'll often walk into barn doors. They'll reverse out of a barn when they try to go in the barn. Honestly, they don't know what they're doing. They'll get into bed and they'll go, oh, I'm all right. I'm all nice and warm for the night. You're in the trough. You don't know what you're doing.

You've got in the trough. It really is horses for courses. What I will say about hens is, it's all very well wandering around the barn yard, looking for seeds and so on. But at night, you want to get in that hut and you want to lock that door, because there are foxes about.

I live in an area where there's... You don't have to go too far to find people who keep chickens in their back gardens. Really? Yeah. It's that kind of place. I've got a couple of friends who do it. In fact, the chickens become...

You know that thing where people get pets to teach their children about death? Yes. I've never particularly bought into, but that's very much the vibe. It's that traditional thing. It's a very traditional thing. Just to fill in,

listeners who don't know about this habit, it might be British thing. What you do is you buy your child a rabbit, call it something like Flossy, and on Christmas Day, you bring the rabbit in. The child meets the rabbit, bonds with the rabbit, and then you erect either a small gallows or a mini-shooting.

You can choose, because the pet shops will sell you different... You can either have a mini-gallows. You can bring in a sort of... Well, a court-martial-style shooting. It's there to give you, isn't it? The firing squad? Well, that's the firing squad.

Yeah, it's up to you what judicial system you impose on that rabbit. It might be a court-martial. It might be a civil process. It might be summary. I mean, who knows? A sort of angry civilians kangaroo court. It's quite good.

It could be a lynch mob, exactly, yeah. You can have that. Yeah, it could be a lynch mob. There's very different kits. A lynch mob of campsters. Yeah. Yeah, then you should try this with a mini-shovel. You then send the child into the garden.

Yeah. To... So, you learn about mortality. They learn about the fragility of society. That's right. And the social contracts. Yeah. And the difference between laws and justice.

That's right. That's true. But that's very... That seems to be the main purpose of the chickens. The hit rate, the fox hit rate is massive. What I can gather. They're rampant, round our way. Yeah.

Foxes. London foxes are getting more and more... They're straggly as hell. I mean, the London foxes... I imagine our foxes look very different to your foxes. Oh, ours are sleek and glossy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And quite hench on the whole.

Yeah, yeah. They're the sort of foxes that would pop up on a YouTube ad saying, You want my life? You can have it. Yeah, because they've sworn by some sort of extraordinary diet where they only eat filled dog poo bags. Something like that. And that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm keeping it simple now. It's protein. It's fat rich. But carb light. It's bags of dog turd. And they get up early. They get up super early.

They're very much like tech millionaires. Lifestyle things. They get up super early. They eat almost exclusively bags of untreated uncooked dog shit. But the ones in London look so straggly. They look like they've been just sort of... They've been on a stag do for about five years. They just look absolutely fucked.

They... But often the bushy tail isn't bushy anymore. It's lost its bushy-ness. You know, like... Yeah. It's sort of... It's just like a wet thing there kind of dragging behind them. But what happens is when you see a fox in London,

where, you know, you catch their eye and there's a kind of... There is a reaching out between the species moment I quite enjoy. A being close to something that wild. That thing of looking at a fox and having that moment of connection, I very much had a few years ago when I was living in South London and I came out of my bedroom, walked down the landing, and there was a fox in my house. Someone had left the back door open.

Was one of your housemates Joanna Lovely? Is she pro fox? She's got a fox that comes into her house. She's trained a fox to come into the house and have cuddles. Well, yeah, mine... The one that was in my house didn't cuddle me. It literally just pissed in my shoes. Ah, yes.

Wow. While you were wearing them. No. It found a pair of my shoes and literally just pissed directly into both shoes, ate a bag of mine, and then... A bag of your shit? Yes, I provided it with a bag of my shit. Yeah.

You hang them on a little hook, then you up and down the stairs. Took a ward off evil spirits, but to attract foxes, it turns out. That's the give and take. So, obviously, he was trying to make a cup of chupis tea. Alongside eating a bag of dog poo. A cup of chupis tea. A little tip. If a fox pisses in your shoes and you don't want to throw them out,

which is definitely what I should have done. Yeah. You have to submerge them in passata. I've always wondered, like, what is passata for? That's why his serving suggestion is a picture of a pissed son and shoe on the front, isn't it? With Italian man pouring. Yeah, that's why you'll often find dolmio in the shoe care section of your supermarket. Does it count as animal husbandry when you're talking about domesticating pets?

Like dogs, dogs aren't natural. Like, we've bred in all those traits. Yeah, a lot of dogs have functions that you didn't know about. You know, like a spaniel. DVD player. DVD player, but increasingly now, wireless charging. It's very distressing. Very distressing when you see a lovely great Dane who's got an obsolete DVD player on his haunch.

I know, it's so sad. And sometimes it'll be playing Marley and me or a sad dog film on that TV, which makes it even more sad. But to watch it stuck on the menu system of an old fashioned DVD with the sound just going round. Because you've lost the remote. You've lost the remote. And the idea that you'd get excited by, you know, DVD extras, it's just sad to watch now. Yeah.

Very, very sad. What upgrades did you get with Pam, Mike? Or did you just go for stock? Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Good girl, Pam. Good girl, Pam. Oh, Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. No. Pam. Pam. She's got a – She's leather upholster than the interior. Oh, good.

Yes. As we tell people, she is. She's got dash cams. That's nice. But I did notice, Mike, she's got a few sort of smooth areas where there could have been an extra, for example, there could have been a handle. She could have had the side handle. Yeah.

We decided not to go for those. But we did keep the ashtray. Yeah, yeah. It was actually quite hard to get these days. because the most advanced version of Pam you can get has a handle on the top and it's got a strap so you can wear her as a rucksack and a harrassment. And wheels on the bottom.

And wheels on the bottom. Yeah, she's carry-on dog. Yeah, yeah. It's a holiday carry-on dog. Yeah. And any liquid, she can barf out liquids into small plastic bags so they can be properly assessed. Yeah.

Put back in again. Bloody expensive, but worth it. And you've got one of those little Christmas triette things hanging around her anus, don't you? You hang that off the butt. There's a little hook on the butt. It's not enough. It's not enough.

It's just not enough. It's not enough. And those Christmas tree things have never been enough. No, they've never been enough. They've never been enough to do anything. Other than to tell you that the driver of this car has a flatulence issue. That's it.

Yeah. That's their only purpose. It's true. In fact, what it does, it does the opposite of what it's supposed to do is it just draws your attention to the metal. Whereas previously you might have got in that car and got out of the thing thinking,

thinking either this car's supposed to, it could be my shoulders are smelling or it could be my, I might have smelled it. Maybe I farted. Maybe I'm farting all the time. I took a taxi ride the other day because I was late at night, I got into a station. There was no other way of getting home.

There was no Uber. So I got something I hardly ever do now, just get an old fashioned black cab. But I'm going to enjoy this, I thought. I'm going to get in. There's quite a lot of legroom. I'll feel a bit, you know, it's like almost sort of, this is like special, you know,

this would be a little treat. Closet door, it absolutely stank. Of? I don't know exactly. But you know what it's, it smelled like. It's actually weirdly, it smelled like a huge dog had been in there. Doing what?

Just being not, not being well. Sort of on a mixture of on heat and at death's door. So it was quite, it just absolutely stank. And I was like, as we were pulling away from the station, Victoria, I genuinely, I thought, I want this to be a nice experience. It's going to cost me loads.

I want to sit and enjoy, and this stinks. And I wanted to say to the guy, look, you just, sorry, I'm really sorry, do you mind just letting me off? I'll get the next one, because it stinks in here. But you know what I did? And this is training your international listeners, something to brand, and good old fashioned British solution.

Do you know what I did? You just stuck it out? Stuck it out. Had a really, really unpleasant 25 minute drive. And said, thank you very much. And gave them all of your innings from the day. Correct?

Yeah. Somebody emailed us, Henry, with a recommendation of a jingle that needs to be made. Okay. That refers to what we were just talking about. Yeah. This is from Kim from Stockholm. Ooh.

She said, I'd like to throw out a jingle idea. A jingle for Henry's glamorous, uppercrust life in London. Oh, yes. A metropolitan elite, Henry Jingle, in contrast to the provincial dad, Mike Jingle. That's a good idea. I think it's quite a good idea.

Yes. Well, that would be a good time for it, wouldn't it? Because that was me. Getting a smelly taxi. Getting a smelly taxi. Well, we've got listeners all over the world who could only dream of getting a smelly taxi.

Yeah. So what do you think about doing a sort of metropolitan elite based jingle? Yeah, that's a good idea. I agree. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, let's do one. So-oh.

Battersea. Old Southwark. Stretum. Vauxhall. Tuffinal Park. Barnet, technically. Madden Two-Sorts. The Senate House.

Halfords. Zone 5. Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia. Next stop, urban enlightenment. The glamorous London life of Henry Macca. Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?

No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know. So that's Animal Husband Drinks. Thank you, Michael. Okay, time to read your emails. At the end of the last series, we mentioned that maybe if you wanted to, you could send in your kind of cover versions of some of our more well-used Jingles. And someone has. Oh, really? This is from Elizabeth Smith. So we've been inundated

with one with this one, have we? No, we've had a few. Some people have kind of got the briefs slightly wrong and that they've made their own Jingles that are completely unrelated to the ones that I created. That's exciting. It's exciting how you feel a bit territorial about that. I feel I do feel a bit territorial about it. Yeah, also, you've got to be able to follow a brief, haven't you? Stick to a brief. Think about what we do with the topics you send us, for example. So thanks to everyone who sent all this stuff in. Going for the first one we got is from Elizabeth Smith. And I really like this one. So it's a version of the email jingle. She writes, it's a slightly darker take on the email jingle. What I like about this before you listen

to it is that it's likely took the original email jingle and then fed it through both some kind of computer and also a kind of maverick yet highly regarded European academic slash philosopher in the field of nihilism. You'll see what I mean when you listen to this. It's like a deconstructed version of it. It's taken back to its essence, I would say. All right. Shall we go for it? You have received mail. Oh, wow. Very solid work, isn't it? That's fantastically good. That was extraordinary. I haven't got any reference points for what that was. What was that? What just happened? I felt like that was like going to the other side

somehow. The dark underbelly of Ben's music. It felt quite dark, but it felt quite illegal Soviet Eastern European underground sex club. You know, like a Berlin basement where you go? Berlin on the cusp of war, just when things are getting really weird and bad. But also, it's that feeling of going into a basement and going, God, I thought I was open-minded. I'm not sure how much. Some of the stuff that's going in it, I just really wanted to have a pint with some friends, but I mean, I think myself as quite a cool guy, but some of the stuff I saw in that room just there. But you discover that Steve is actually really into it and has been for a while and is hoping

that you'll do some stuff that you're really not ready for. I think I'm just more of a traditional. And it's never really, it's never going to be the same when you see Steve ever again. No. No, I know a very, very strong feeling that I need to go and just watch the antics road show for a few hours. Maybe have a cat cat. Yeah. And maybe is it possible to get one of those baths that they put sheep in, but for people that chemically cleans the sort of chemically brain. Your whole body brain. You dip your brain in. A brain dip. A brain dip. I love a brain dip. A sheep brain dip. Oh, I'd love a brain dip. Yeah, it felt like a very, yeah, it felt like Eastern European industrial club technosets,

but what's the duck, insensual, but at the same time very, very out there, extreme sexual, sexual sort of leisure acts. Sexual leisure acts. If you ever see sexual leisure acts written onto someone's calendar on there in front of their fridge, get out. Don't wave your teeth down. Just get out. Welcome to the club, sir. Listen, in one hour's time, you are not going to believe this, but it is true that no horses will have been hurt in what happens to you. And it's going to be very, very hard for you to believe that, but it's actually true.

Is that sort of club? Brilliant work. It's actually superb. I didn't know if I could listen to it again. It's like, it also reminded me a bit of a horror film, like, you know, that you watch it and quite early doors like this is actually too much for me. I can't deal with it. I felt like that halfway through that jingle. I didn't know if I can handle this actually. It's very intense. That's really good. Well done. Like all the terrible things you've ever done, condensed into one sort of little lump of matter that you've been put on a cracker, you've been asked to eat it. Yeah. But this way, if it's true that before you die, you see a short film of your life,

if that is true, and if that's the soundtrack to it, you are. You're going down. You're going down. You're going for hell, my friend. You're going down, my friend. You're taking the service elevator to... To Beelzebub City. To Beelzebub City. And you deserve it. Right. Well, thank you for that. And yeah, we've had a few different ones. And yeah, if you fancy doing a cover version of one of our jingles, then by all means go for it. And so Ben, just quick, tell me, will you have played that?

Are you going to play that in instead of the email jingle today, or do we just refer to them as as sort of just play them and talk them through as if we might have used them? Is this a kind of, you know, like alternate histories where they go, what would have happened if at the Battle of Hastings, all the British, all the Anglo-Saxons were all driving modern Range Rovers? Basically, what you're saying is it sounds like someone needs to make a bad pompadou jingle, right? For when there's been a bad pompadou. That's what I'm saying. And I think... Oh, so you're saying that if we were to use that jingle we just heard, we'd end up going to like an alternative version of the emails where all of the emails are kind of evil and it's all bollocking.

Sinister. The dark web beans. No, I didn't mean that. I know. I'm just wondering, you've asked people to send in their versions of jingle. Does that mean you'll use that? Will that be played in as the email jingle? Or is it us talking about, you know, what that would have been like had that been the email jingle? I'm over it. So, hang on. Are you worried that we're not going to play... The audience are going to listen to us listening to a jingle which they will never hear. Yes. No, but will we play it? Will you play it in? Oh, God. I think this is such a small distinction you're making. All right. Can I suggest, Henry? Let's move on. I haven't had... Try not to worry about it. Just wait and see what Ben does in the edit. Okay, fine. Then you'll

have your answer. All right. Go for it. Carry on. This week, Elizabeth's version of the email jingle is the email jingle. Okay, fine. Yeah. You're not just saying that. Okay. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. I can take my jump off. I think I'm too hot. I think that was a problem. Yeah. I think Elizabeth's jingle has made him heat up. Go on. Sorry. Crack on. Okay. So, we've had an email... We've had lots of emails about lots of different things, but we've had a number of emails about the old phrase, you can't sit on your own arse. Oh, guys, guys, guys. I fucking must fucking stop recording. When? When? Just... I don't think we've got any of the emails. Sorry.

Are we doing that whole chunk? Sorry. Well, I can use the backup from Zoom. We've got Zoom backup. I do apologize. I didn't... Did we do the one called email? No. I'd press... I'd start recording. Okay, I'm just going to press record. Are you recording, Henry? I am recording. Yeah. Sorry. Okay. And now it's time for... Pompadoo section. Pompadoo. I'm really sorry. We lost a bit of recording there by me. Sorry. It says the sound quality would have gone down there.

Because we'd use... But not that much. But not that much. We'd use the backup Zoom recording. The reason is because I press save during the record and it stops. The whole bloody thing turns out. Can we move on? Okay, go on. Emily emails. Dearest Beans, I had to drop you a line that's I'm currently giggling too loudly while in our kitchen listening to my husband on his daily Zoom team meeting for IBM.

She's got a high-rolling husband there. Big hitter. Oh, well, Danny, sounds like he's an Arias. Henry. Sorry, Daily. Don't get me an IBM. Henry. Don't get me an IBM. You know, I've got beef... IBM is one of those companies. It's like... Have they either not been in business since 1987 or are they still absolutely massive? I couldn't tell you.

I don't know. I assume the email was from the 80s. I was quite excited. Yeah, sounds like the 80s, doesn't it? Nice. So Emily writes, hubby has always been so suggestible when it comes to word porridge. So I decided to take advantage of this and drop the phrase, you can't sit on your own arse, into conversation as often as I could without seeming too conspicuous. The big news is that I've just witnessed him

using the phrase to 12 of his IBM colleagues and some international seniors. Brilliant. Very good. Very good. Well, this is how the corporate... We've got it into the corporate world. Trickle down. That's what we want. Because that's what we've... Trickle up.

Well, trickle up. Then trickle back down. Then trickle back down, trickle around the houses. This is what we want is we want to get it out there. So this could be a huge... I want to get to a stage where if you buy a new IBM computer, which I'm not sure is possible, when it boots up, it just says on the screen,

you can't sit on your own arse. You can't sit on your own arse. She writes, the context was bizarre, but you may enjoy it as much as I did. And then she's included a script of what happened. He said, I love the fact that this is what he said, but it sounds so much like boilerplate corporate talk that you would just put in like a really poorly written drama.

Well, you'd put it in the first scene of one of the Christmas films that I am addicted to on Amazon. They've always got that in the first scene. So he said, I could add another update for the next quarter. Very good. Which is just... That's just... Yeah.

Absolutely cool. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah. So he said, I could add another update for the next quarter, but right now, I can't even sit on my own arse. Interesting use. They all laughed. Interesting.

Suggesting he's quite senior in the meeting. What, that they had to laugh? Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no way they could have understand what he meant. Because I don't understand what he means. No. I mean, it's a...

Basically, what that bit of dialogue is, is an entirely generic bit of sort of pseudo corporate chat followed by a completely meaningless phrase that we've invented. It's totally possible that your husband is pretending to work for IBM. It sounds like it, doesn't it? That's him called Didn't Actually Happen. So a couple of little checks you might want to do. One is Google IBM, does it still exist?

Because we don't think it does. It feels a bit run. For example, London's Regent Street has a large sparkling and beautiful clean lines in its Apple store. It does not have an IBM store. There's no IBM store on Regent Street. There's no way... I've never seen an IBM store in London.

And when you've got a minute, try and see how many places his laptop bends. It should only bend in one place. If it's more than one place, it's made of cardboard. It's not a real laptop. That's right. If your hands go through it, it could be made of cake. In which case...

Well, we can take his hat off to him if he's managed to ice 12 colleagues onto the screen in detail. But he's in the wrong job. Well, he's not in a job at the moment. Well, he's in the wrong fake job. Yeah. Anyway, I hope he does work for IBM because if that's true, it's excellent that that phrase is spreading through the corporate world.

Well, weirdly, weirdly, we've managed... That phrase has managed to exist in a sentence where it's the most convincing bit of that sentence, you know what I mean? Like, it's the first bit. The bit about the financial quarter, to me, is the bit which has alarm bells all over it. And hopefully, his colleagues... His already sort of English-speaking colleagues from Portugal

are sort of trying to Google this phrase and work out exactly what that meant. Because it's up there with... I want the Johnson report on my desk by 9 a.m. Friday. And none of those elements exist, of course, really. None of those... All of 9 a.m. Friday, Johnson report. None of those are real things.

It's also things like... I'm really nervous about the presentation on Friday. That's another one that's not true. It can't happen. Another good one is I want these reports yesterday. That kind of thing. Is it possible, Henry, that the two of them are, maybe not even knowing,

living inside a Hallmark Christmas movie? The way they'll know this, which is if next week, the opportunity comes up for them to buy a Christmas tree farm. That will be... Yep. If that happens, you'd know... Or they inherit a Christmas tree farm from a maiden aunt.

None of them knew existed. Yes. Also, has Emily... Did she have a promising career in either the business sector or the medical sector or academia, which her husband encouraged her to stop, because, of course, she'd be much better off mainly just decorating Christmas,

making rooms look Christmassy, as her main focus in life. Mops you in career, and just hanging around with her husband and her husband's mum and dad. In the small Christmas-themed town that her husband lives in. So, this film was a psychological horror. Well, yeah, essentially.

I mean, that's what those films are, basically. Exciting. So, corporate sector, we've got an in-road. Science, we've got an in-road with our previous emailer. Yeah. I think it could work quite well in the corporate world. You can't sit on your own ass. So, we've got two sectors we're in.

We need someone now in politics. Guys, so, Mike, you mentioned politics. We've had an email from Safia. Okay. Dear Beans, I wanted to let you know that your asphorism, you can't sit on your own ass, may soon be immortalised in Hansard. Oh, Hansard?

Hansard? Listen, that is the annals of the houses of parliament. God save the king. It's a sort of almanac of parliamentary business. And let me tell you, it is absolutely riveting. That's a real page turn. One of the best. Safia says, I've been invited to speak to a committee in parliament

next week about my research into climate change and feel this will be an opportune moment to give the phrase of wider airing. After all, when it comes to saving the planet, none of us can sit on our own ass. Well, we won't have our own ass pretty soon. Oh, Safia. I mean, I don't wish to undermine the potential seriousness

of that subcommittee meeting. But that's brilliant news. You're just a hop and skipping a jump away from the OED. After Hansard, aren't you? That's massive. God, that's exciting. Okay, let's know how that goes, Safia. Let us know if you, I don't know.

I mean, I'd understand. But if you have the metal to see that through, I'll be impressed. If we can watch it on BBC Parliament, that would be pretty good. Last one from Chris. In a conversation about asses with my non-been listening wife, I casually dropped in. Well, you know what they say? You can't sit on your own ass.

And without missing a beat, she retorted, and no one will do it for you. Call on a response. And that, I mean, that's lovely. He writes, I can only assume that after the tireless work of your listeners, the phrase has permeated into our shared cultural knowledge, and in doing so has evolved its own comeback too.

Yes. Well done all. That's very good. We've gone full sea later alligator, potentially. Well, maybe it's too soon to say that. But that's good. One can hope. That's the official response is, and no one will do it for you.

So, do some phrases have a calling response today? Well, see you later, alligator. In a while, crocodile. Up yours. Fuck up what you're on about. That's what I said today. Is that not the... That's such a classic example.

Yeah, it's up yours, what the fuck you're on about. Are there any others that have... Is that not the only phrase, isn't it, that has one? Well, hello. There's hello and hello. That's a nice traditional one, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, maybe there aren't any.

So, can't think of any. Isn't this see you soon big baboon as well? I don't think so, no. There is now. It wasn't. That was... I used to know someone that said that. You could see later alligator.

Someone else could get in a while, crocodile, and then he'd come in and go, see you soon big baboon. I think he was trying to do a sit on your own ass type thing. He was trying to get one going. No one said that in the House of Commons. No. Because when it comes to the world's rainforests, pretty soon we're not going to be able to see you soon,

big baboon, or any other other species that live there. Goodbye. That'd be quite a good way to... Hello? We know you say you can't sit on your own huge, distended blue arse. RUN It's time To be the fatty man.

Pedro Pedro www.patreon.com for slash three bean salad. A big thanks as always to everyone who signed up at our patreon.com for three bean salad for and free episodes and for bonus episodes and all the goodness. And of course, if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was last night, sure was.

Well, it was the it was a really fun event, wasn't it? It was the it was the piling lots of books on top of each other ball. It was. And here's my report. Lumber support belts with discrete pockets for library cards finally had their moment in the sun yesterday in the buildup to the Sean Bean Lounge piling lots of books on top of each other ball. Sean Bean himself wasn't available to open

the event as he claimed he was still on his month off a month off that at no point has he given a clear reason for really needing particularly and so cutting the ribbon fell to Cormac in Bristol Cormac having decisively won Sean Bean's recent anagram competition with almost three anagrams of the words Sean Bean. Lindsay McShay impressed the judges with a 14 foot high pile of lonely planet shoestring guides from continental Europe and Central America and was evenly matched by Matt Cotey

with his complete works of Barry Norman. Corey Cloyne's pile measured at jaw dropping 79 foot but was found to consist of over the allowed 6% meters per inch of back issues of guitar techniques magazine and so his pile was disqualified and steeple jacked back down to C level. Victoria Jenkins became too absorbed in her set of teach yourself piling books on top of other books books timed out tried to beat the system by throwing the books she was reading as high as possible

which wasn't recommended in any of her books and in so doing knocked over Carl Alford's Jilly Cooper Henge. Tom Hughes went for the wow factor by piling up the Lord of the Rings trilogy which he'd had translated into Middle English before being read aloud by Stephen Fry whose reading was transcribed by James. None of my family knows my real job is Stephen Fry's Emanuensis, Ringer, before being printed on 80 GSM printer paper and bound in fish leather. Tragically the pile

came to only a poultry nine inches. For a while it looked like Anthony Bosco's pile of rare Hebridean erotica he claimed he borrowed from Jesse Plemons would take the pile height trophy at a whopping 43 yards. Were it not for Stan Wenham's strategically brilliant choice of piling every Grisham that's been made into a film which is most of them probably and certainly most films onto a gargantuan print of Stephen King's. For the first time the ceiling of the Sean Bean

Lounge had to be punched through and the pile was deemed so weighty and dangerously unstable that the book pile dance itself had to be cancelled and all Sean Bean loungers evacuated on Tiptoe. The emergency services have also cleared the area in a three mile radius of the Sean Bean Lounge of all residents, pets and ceramic garden ornaments. Thanks all. Okay and now we'll finish the show with one of your versions

of our theme tune. This week we're going to go for one from Conor. Thank you Conor. This is Conor, this is the Conor. Yeah this is the Conor. No way. Oh I love a bit of Conor. Also someone else emailed us saying basically going you do know Conor's famous don't you? What? It's not Conor Hernandez is it? Former president of Costa Rica. I thought he'd been quiet for a while on the political scene. Come volleyball in

Presario. Um no somebody said so his name's Conor. He doesn't give his full name to us. Ah. But someone said oh it's it's Conor so and so. He's an abandon. He's like a he's a music guy. Well that doesn't surprise me. No. Because we knew he was a music guy but we're saying he's a pro music guy. But I also wonder whether Conor would like us to keep wouldn't like us to tell everyone. Maybe not. I would assume he would have said if he wanted us to. So we won't say what the name of his band is but if you

want us to let everyone know Conor let us know. Yeah. Well he's a very fine Conor whichever way you look at it. I'm not going to say I'm not going to say explicitly who Conor is but let's just say he isn't not Ed Sheeran. Yeah. Um what's he got for us this time I'm excited. So he says this is my fifth theme submission and as such it has become apparent that my life is a shambles. Classic Sheeran. However I remain however I remain undeterred in my quest to destroy the majority of my close

relationships by opting to spend all of my spare time composing variations of your theme song. It's true the other members of the band Coldplay must be absolutely livid with him. No matter the time he's spending working on this. Not that we're not saying he's in Coldplay we're not saying that are we? No. But it does explain what Gwyneth was saying to me on the phone a few years ago. Yeah. I don't know what genre this is. I originally intended to give Henry a break and have the saxophone take center stage in place of the guitar.

However upon re-listening to your first ever episodes posters in which Henry refers to guitar enthusiasts as I quote dull bastards. That's not true. I don't use that kind of talk. I immediately added an extended guitar solo out of pure spite. Good on you Connor. Good on you. Oh no, what's he done now? Oh, fuck. I've stopped recording again. Sorry, all kinds of shit. My computer's done that thing where it crashes. Right, let's get... It might be that me and Mike can get to the end of this.

Yeah, exactly. Let's get rid of Henry because Henry's not going to enjoy this anyway. So this is the spirit of the guitar at work here. So you say a little goodbye on the bad Zoom record, Henry. Bye everyone. It feels like I've deliberately crashed my computer but haven't it? Yeah. He's tried to sabotage the whole thing but it hasn't worked. He also writes a PS. PS, if you ever wanted someone to introduce Ben and Mike onto the stage at a live show or to play you off, my guitar is ready. Holy moly.

He also says I'm willing to play Henry on or off as well, but only if I can use a damaged kazoo. And I've literally... I'm crashed. I can't even have my set. Well, we can use the back-up Zoom recording so we can... Well, it does undermine your response usually, though. Yeah. Up yours, you dull bastard. You went quite route one for that one, Henry.

I went quite route one. Thank you, Connor. Very excited about this. And thanks everyone for listening. Welcome back. Bye.