Three Bean Salad - Artificial Intelligence

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

Paul from Widnes (bot status unconfirmed) serves up the topic of Artificial Intelligence for the beans this week. Sure, to begin with they simply respond by making a series of vague futuristic noises, they’re only flesh and blood (confirmed), but soon enough they get busy and deliberate crab newspapers, an unusual use of hair conditioner and the truth about the Netherlands.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Oh, yesterday I had a slightly duck flavour. I used a knife that I hadn't realised I'd been sitting in some old congealed duck fat to chop some strawberries, which I then had with a piece of cake and it was the most horrific mixture of flavours. So you were chopping some strawberries up to have with some cake? Yes. Yeah. I don't know how to live. You know how to live?

Did it work? Was it one of those sort of great discoveries that actually... No, it was horrendous. It was just, there was like this weird like ghost taste of like, I was like, why do these strawberries taste like chicken? What is it taste of a cross channel swim? And it was the ghost of a duck. Essentially they were haunted.

Essentially you were eating haunted strawberries. It was an old Thai takeaway from the day before. I mean, this is quite a bleak, isn't it? Yeah, it's not. Well, it's quite a sort of rollercoastery, I think, because the baking, you know, did you bake the cake? No, I went to a wedding on the weekend and they had so much cake left over that I ended up...

Oh, I see. I thought you meant you'd, right, I thought you meant you'd bake the cake. So I was picturing a very wholesome day and preceding that, the sort of duck fat everywhere kind of takeaway day and then after the baking day, you're back to sort of duck fat all over the place, takeaway tins. I never know what to do with kitchen fat and it's something like, it's one of those things that has haunted me my whole life. I've never worked out what to do with kitchen fat.

Oh, yeah, you're meant to pour it into a mug and then throw it into the sea, I think. Well, exactly, no one knows. That's all we've got, is that kind of thing. But yeah, but not the channel or, you know, not the North Sea, it needs to be far away sea. Yeah. It needs to be Ionian minimum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not a sea that borders this great isle, definitely not. So you want to take that on holiday with you? Although the Mediterranean does border Gibraltar, which is part of this great isle. So you probably better hit the Indian Ocean or something. I'm pretty sure we own some things floating in the Indian Ocean. That's the problem with the bread for the Commonwealth is finding somewhere where you can dump your kitchen fat that isn't going to wash up on the shores. Can't even take it to the Antarctic, can you?

Because there'll be some little British Antarctic expedition somewhere that you're interfering with the instruments. Your best bet is a landlocked lake somewhere in the US or a space program. Yeah. Space fat, maybe it's time for space fat, the oily layer across the orbit, smudging the stars at night. So we should create a sort of fat layer to the atmosphere. That's what I'm suggesting.

I like that. So you've got sky layer. Yeah. Ozone. Yeah. That's the best part of it. Then fat. Then fat.

And maybe the fat will help to plug the holes in the ozone layer. Yeah. I can only say it contributing to global warming, to be honest, a fat layer around the earth. I'd be really interested to hear from our listeners, by the way, what they do with fat and any useful ideas, any fun ideas. So what are you doing, Henry? I assume you're making candles and giving them out. The trouble with making a candle out of fat is you burn it and then you've just got loads

of liquid fat. You know, you're back where you started. And also, you're living in the stinks of sausages all over again. Exactly. You're having a very sausage-y flavoured bath. I didn't know what to do with it. I genuinely don't know what to do. I Google it every now and then.

The answers are never clear. I forget. I ask people, there's old wives' tales. You can't put it down the sink. I don't think it's good idea to put it in the bin. You can reuse it, by the way. No. For four.

For whatever you used it for initially. For whatever it's seeped out of initially. My duck fat came from a Thai takeaway. So I need to take that back to the place I got the Thai takeaway. No. You can take that back to another duck. You can reintroduce it. What?

Just massage it back in. Massage it back into another duck, especially just before the winter, that's the right time to do it. That's when the ducks would love a bit of extra fat. Yeah, no, I don't know. I don't know. One thing my parents do, which I've started doing, but I don't really know what the point is.

What they do is, they take their fat, they pour it into an old plastic soup container, and then they freeze that for 20 years. I don't know. To what end? I don't know how long for, or to what end. I think it's probably just a version of sweeping it under the carpet, but they're not making fat balls for the tits and robins in the back garden or anything. They're not making fat balls for the tits and robins.

They're not sculpting fat figurines for their grandchildren. They're just freezing the fat. I suppose maybe it's a cryogenic system they've got in mind, which is one day, maybe many thousands of years in the future, that fat will be... It'll wake up. That fat will effectively wake up in the future and be told... There'll be a semi-liquid duck. There'll be a semi-liquid duck.

That'll be told that all of its family is dead, and has been for two millennia. Yeah. And actually, you can meet your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, granddaughter who's now older than you. But who has evolved into a crab? Or it could just be another crab. It's a really hard to tell. And at that point, you might be thinking, well, you know what?

I'd rather you hadn't wasted all this money freezing me. I don't know why you've done this. What am I supposed to do now? And at that point, you know, you're just a jar of fat and you're now living in the future. You don't understand. Very hard to fight back when you're just a jar of fat. It's hard to fight back. You don't understand the cultural mores, the currency.

There's lots of crabs wandering around. Language is likely to have changed as well. So you might understand a single word that's being said, particularly. Well, everyone will be speaking crab, which is a simple collection of clacks. It's a clickety-clack. It's very rhythmic. It's a rhythmic, it's a percussive language. It's basically only people who are very, very good flamenco dancers

will be able to communicate with the crabs at that point. There are very few adjectives. Yeah, it's to the point, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. In fact, ironically, they're not quite forward thinking, aren't they, crabs? I mean, they're not into sideways thinking. Well, they're not interlateral thinking. That's the irony.

Oh, is it lateral moving, forward thinking? That will be the first, I think, sort of manifesto pledge around it as the crabs begin to take over the world. Yeah. There'll be a point at which they are an electable sort of party. It'll start with them demanding the right to choose not to be in a sandwich. I would say. Yes, probably.

There'll be huge debates on this. There'll be TV debates. There'll be... Yeah. There'll be wheeling out the big guns on this. There'll be wheeling out the big, big, big guns. Dimple crab. But that's what it'll be.

And then once the... There'll probably potentially be some sort of referendum on it. Then there'll be an issue of, can the crabs vote in that referendum? There'll be a referendum about that. And then there'll be a question of, should the crabs be able to vote in that referendum? There'll be a lobby. There'll be what's known as the great century of referendae on that. And then ultimately, the crabs will just grab power.

And what they'll do to whoever is unlucky enough to be Prime Minister at the time is, they will do as revenge for centuries of having their own meats separated into red and white. They will perform what will be described as the separating of the meats, but the separating of the human meats, whereby... Well, they'll lift the carapace off the top of the Prime Minister. Yeah. And serve his white meats. In that same carapace.

Yeah, that sort of mashed up, chopped and then packed back into the carapace, which I mean, we think it looks delicious when you take a crab and separate its meats and ram it back into its own carapace. But I tell you what, it looks so good with the Prime Minister, I don't think. Which is a good lesson for us all, isn't it, in a way? You can put as much dill on that as you want. It's not going to be nice. But isn't it the case that human beings too will have also been or begun to,

at least, evolving towards final crabs? So they're halfway stage by then. We might be. You might start having crab children whose loyalties will be questioned. It will be a very confusing time. I mean, but on the other hand, it'll be a time that's, you know, on the other hand, it'll be a time that's very rich culturally. There'll be a lot of interesting crab music, I imagine, coming up.

There'll be a lot of cuisine fusions going on, I thought. There'll be a lot of cuisine fusion. There'll be a lot of people expelling thousands of eggs onto the street. Exactly. And then a lot of those eggs will be, you know, it'd be a great time for the crows. People didn't see it from the crow's point, but the crows will be pecking away at those eggs, eating a lot of those eggs. How many of them will survive?

Maybe only, you know, six or seven dozen of your own children might survive in one given letter. Some of those might, you know, form jazz fusion bands or human fusion restaurants. Some of them might go on to be politicians. Some of them might just decide to actually go back to basics. You know, actually, I'm just scuttle back into the ocean, spend a lot of my time just hiding under a rock, you know what I mean? And there'll be a whole movement of like, actually, what is a crab? What is it to authentically be a crab?

And of course, you know, they say that one may be born of crab mother and crab father, but who has the, you know, the body of a crab, but instead of pincers to human arms, just because it's skipped a generation or so, they say that that will maybe full size human arms on a medium crab, that's the one, yeah, it's very cumbersome, very cumbersome. But they say that may be the child that holds the key to crabs and humans living together once again. So crabs that can open jars.

And once the crab can open a jar, there is no stopping it. Well, because it's then able to commune with the intelligent duck fat within, isn't it? But next time you look at a plate of crab you've ordered and you think about saying to your partner or friend, you don't get much meat in one of these things. Maybe just think about, let me think twice about saying that, because one day it might be a crab looking at you on a plate saying, God Christ, you get fucking so much meat in these things. It's sourced too much.

Do you think we can get a doggy bag? Do they do doggy bags anymore? Yeah. Well, they're called crabby bags because the dogs have evolved. The dogs have turned into crabs. Can we get a crabby bag? This week's topic, as sent in by Paul from Widness. Thank you, Paul.

Thank you, Paul. Now, this actually puts me in mind of something, which is that a few weeks ago or a while ago, one of our listeners fed some three-bean-side episodes into an algorithm, which then spat out an AI version of the podcast. Oh, my God, really? So, we've had an email from my uncle Alexander G and he explains what he's done is he transcribes audio recordings of the podcasts and then fed them into an algorithm, which is called a Markov chain, and he sent us a kind of script, which it spat out, so we're going to read

that out now. This is a glimpse of what a fully automated AI version of the podcast would be. Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's do it. Okay. Giant memory, weirdly, is it that I mean? You've missed, as a swan, eight a detail.

You can click cut, cut, cut in this, the general go, but maybe in that a swan, this guy got the stuff. You sure is. I couldn't think it's naturally. It's half like a pilot bean salad podcast of a towel, tassel head, a soapbox for gas. Yeah, but to have Ben's sent answer, I think it's like, you got, you buy them so confidently, you've got no time that makes sure it's basically the swans and seen plain Susan have to dress bird, but that horrible, but this is a link it would not think I could almonds or the

small and it in halfway between their own leeward detailed time. You need just through the volume. Okay. Sorry. And tweet bird forward 18 months. Okay. But Henry, I think it worked in a kind on her handbag and slipping on the most phallus center impossible.

That's what the level antelope is. It. Do you know you're one bird with your paying and sideways? Exactly. Just pray on the back on some graph paper, which birds should be, I would you can call the human gifts. Can your desk is cassowary by zoo, which hasn't mattered, but I might now for their shoulders and that's what about there?

Yeah. Yeah. What he included things where, where's one, they take an interest and have been stomping into a tiny bit. But until next time, sweet friends, goodbye, cheerio being out. Wasp swans hen bucket. I take two, two things from that. One, I don't think the machines are quite ready yet to, uh, it did feel like Henry had

quite a few more lines than the rest of us, which it got right. I felt I wasn't getting enough lines, which also feels right. You're jumping at the bit, were you? To me, it felt like the experience of trying to read Shakespeare, where you don't understand what the words mean, but you're trying to say it in a way that sounds like a human being speaking, trying to put some kind of rhythm into it. I would know what you meant if I wasn't such a, such a great scholar of the Bard, um, anyone it reminded me of was something I tried to do once, which is, you know, when you, um,

you go to a foreign country and you hear people talking in the foreign language, but if you, if you can't speak that language, then all you hear is language without meaning. Right? Yeah. So, so now is what you hear, which is you can't hear for your own language is the music, the music of the language. Yeah. So you hear the music.

So you hear the sound and you know that certain languages, you know, uh, Spanish, Dutch, there are others, Esperanto, Dutch, the language of love. So what you hear essentially now, look, I don't want to be offensive. So I don't want to offend you as I'm going to make up a language. Okay. What you hear, for example, might be along the lines of that, for example, yeah, Flemish, that was actually perfect, Flemish, for I wonder if this bit is appropriate or not.

No, um, I wonder if we'll alienate our Flemish listeners with this bit. No. Um, so, so, so you can do that. I think the Luxembourgish guys are loving it. Oh, they're loving it. Um, what would be essentially to imagine how does English spoken by us, us three, for example, sound two to a person that doesn't speak English. So what is the music of our language?

And so can you do it? Can you make the sounds that you make, but without words? So try, go for it. So before we do that, just so this is the equivalent of us for French going, exactly. And I can just say really nicely done. It was subtle. It wasn't like a whole load of, you had a whole load of cliches you could have

reached for, you didn't really nice. So what would be the sound of your own voice, Ben? Do you think it's almost, I think it's impossible to do without your brain exploding. This is what along these lines, I'll try. It's really hard. But do you want to try and say something in view to guess what I'm saying? Yeah, let's do that.

Come on, Mike, for example. Uh, pleasure to keep up with me. But I'm not going to be able to speak English. No, Mike, Mike, you don't sound, you sound like I'm in Holland. You're listening to a Dutch guy. You don't sound, you don't sound English. You don't sound like Mike.

That was a hundred percent. You don't sound like the sound of Mike. So that's why it's really difficult. So let's try. I'm going to try it now for myself. So it'd be like, it'd be like. Sorry, Mike, what were you saying? Were you saying, what a lovely day in Rotterdam?

I'm about to take my bike down to the pancake shop. Oh, you're very close. I was just saying, I just had a sip of my tea and it was too hot and I slightly burnt my tongue and not for the first time. But, but, but Mike, I mean, what do you mean you were saying that? And what, like, you weren't saying that. The point, this is your game here, but the point is, you're not fucking. How, how were you saying that, Mike?

Well, I was, that's what I was thinking. You were thinking it, you weren't saying it. That's what I was trying to convey. Um, no, in the, in the rhythms of language. No, it's not, no, it's, it's not about saying a specific thing. It's about what do you sound like to someone that doesn't underst- that takes the meaning that just hears, that doesn't get... Mike, I understand that he was just bad at it.

Okay, okay. Sometimes you just got to say to someone, you messed up, you messed up real bad. And you're spoiling my game. You're spoiling my game and it isn't my birthday, but it feels like it is my birthday and it's being ruined. And actually, one day of the year, this podcast is being played to someone on my birthday and you have ruined it on my birthday. But that means it's also Mike's birthday.

Yeah. Well, it's all of our birthdays forever. If this podcast is taken away by AI's and goes on forever, I will have an infinite amount of birthdays. If we get up to 365 listeners. That's true. Or something like that, I'll be here. Also, as we understand it, crabs, because they are into forward thinking, not

lateral thinking, because they are, if I, if I get this right, lateral motion, forward thinking, they're not really interested in podcasts. They're not interested in commentary, not interested in editorial. Their newspapers have one side and it's just facts. There's no analysis. Facts about what's going to happen tomorrow. They're not interested in reflections. They're nothing about the past.

It'll be facts about what's going to happen tomorrow and then you turn it over and there's the crab ball results for the next three weeks, the next three weeks of crab ball and the people who play crab ball, they're essentially actors. They read the paper and they play it out like a script. But that's why betting on crab ball, you can make yourself a pretty penny. Yeah, crab bookmakers. It's a, it's a rough time for crab bookmakers, isn't it? Crab bookies, yes.

Neither a, what's that phrase, neither or something, nor something, B? Neither a borrower nor a lender, B. Neither a borrower nor a lender, nor a crab bookie, B. That's going to be the updated phrase. Crabbookie. Crabbookie. Um, and it's, uh, believe me, the people at Paddy Power are absolutely crapping themselves about this.

Sell, sell, sell. Yeah. And if you see the manager of a William Hiddler or Paddy Power down at the beach, they'll, they'll often be pissing into a rock pool. Yeah. Well, they've got special buckets, haven't they? They've made, which have a hole in the bottom. So it looks.

Well, a lot of them have a bit of a string with bacon on it tied to their decks, don't they, for when they go to the beach tonight. That's right. So the crab will go for the bacon and then they'll piss on the crab straight away. That's the only way these guys can relax, which dissolves the crab. Or, and if it doesn't dissolve the crab, because the crab can obviously rinse off quite quickly when jumping into the sea. And they think that it's a soft power thing that gradually that will wear the

crabs down, you know, psychologically, if not physically. Anyway, Henry, you were about to dazzle us with your, oh yes, I don't think I've ever pulled it off, but I'll give myself a little run up by saying some things. Ever. I didn't think I've ever managed to pull. Since you invented the game seven minutes ago. It's something I have tried to do on, I suppose, I don't want to say lonely, but maybe quiet moments.

It's something that sometimes I reflect on when I'm on holiday. So, so I'll just give myself a little run up. So here I am trying to play the game. I'm going to try and make sounds, but without meaning of words. It's really hard. I can't do it. It's really hard. Hang on.

I can't do it. I can't do it, but you end up standing Dutch always. It's Dutch. It's always Dutch. We weren't, that's what Dutch is. It's always Dutch. Is that what the net is all that's happening in the Netherlands? It's just this experiment.

When fighting. That's where the all the EU money went. It's just a massive philosophical linguistic experiment that's been going on for hundreds of years. Yeah. But do you see what I mean? It's a worthwhile exercise, isn't it? I might have to go on.

That's pushing it, I'd say. Yeah, go on, Ben. Tofflebop. Do you know? Very well. I've gone straight into sort of a durable 70s robot sidekick. He's normally a bit silly, but in a crunch, he's effective.

Maybe our family can make it back to Earth. Now we've got the help of Camarvan bot. Um, yeah, so. He's made a total mess of the, of the robo waffles. He's got a, oh, he's accidentally killed the prisoner. Oh, he has no respect for human laws. I tell you what, he's made a real mess of the waffles, but he's

also basically wearing a, hasn't made a mess of that necklace of human dicks he's wearing. Yeah, a bit of a sinister sting in the tail, that robot. Very occasionally, you know, if you're like trying to chat to Vodafone or something, you go in their website and it says, don't ring us. Why not speak to our AI assistant, Kobe? And you're like, oh, okay.

I just now type, I want to speak to a human over and over again. Can I say, Ben, I don't have an issue with you saying that, but that is a sort of, that's one of those threshold phrases, which is to do with entering middle age properly. Once you say the words, I just want to talk to a bloody human. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hit my bloody walking boots? Darling, have you been relabeling my paraffin and white

spirit bottles? Gage escapes on Gids, otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information, darling. The chatbot, the other sort of those bots that help you.

Yeah. Do you think it's a bit weird that at the end they still say, it was really nice talking to you. Thanks very much or something. They said that they give them a phrase, don't they? At the end. Like, I was once talking to one, but I thought it was a bot, but then at the end it said, I hope you're having the time of your

life. Oh, I thought that's such a weird thing for a robot to make up. Also weird thing for a human to type, but a second language potentially. Exactly. That's what I thought. I thought maybe there's a human there, but all the way through,

I'd thought it was a robot. So I've been very curt, one word answers. So that's how you think it's okay to treat robots like that? Do you then? Do you realize this is exactly what's going to be the problem? But when I get the sense that it's a human, I tend to go too far the other way and I'm like, Hey, how's it going? Yeah, I'm really well.

Thanks. How are you? Hope you're having a great weekend and I sort of go the AI seeing all that happened and seeing the favoritism going on. Yeah, isn't it? The AI knows that conversation is taking place and it's getting increasingly jealous. There's a weird beginning, isn't it?

Sometimes where you're not sure if it's a robot or not. Hello, Henry Packer. How can I help you? Hello, Henry Packer. How can I help you? Yeah. The thing is, that's going to be the future as you ring up and it's a robot that speaks to you.

That's when it's going to tip over. It's been quite weird. And also you're a robot and you don't even realize it. And a crab. You don't even realize that you're a crab bot because you think you're asking for advice, whereas actually the real you is on a beach somewhere scurrying up and down. Being put in a bucket.

Being put in a bucket. Getting pissed on by a bloke from William Hill. Because you ain't even realized that you've outsourced your own work life to a robot. So you'll be going bloody hell. You'll hear in your own ear box, you know, you'll hear yourself thinking, oh, bloody hell, this is so annoying. These bloody old things.

I wish I could talk to a human. Whereas the truth is anyone else in the room would just see what you are, which is a little metal, essentially just a sort of steam driven crab. A steam driven crab. Going, I wish, I wish I could talk to a human. Whereas, and you're literally on a beach, as you say, getting pissed on by a bookie, but I miss the touch of a human cheek.

This piss is the only real human interaction I ever get. Sweet, warm human piss. I've had some very long chat box experiences. I mean, sometimes I do feel that in the type chat, I think what happens is quite often at the beginning, it's an AI. And I play my cards close to my chest. So I'm thinking, you know, I'm not sure if it's an AI or not. So I'll say, I'll say comments, which would be appropriate for a

robot or a human to hear. Like, for example, I think I might have a problem with my graphics card. And then eventually I think you get farmed to the appropriate human person to interact with, don't you? But sometimes I felt I've almost had a kind of not exactly Stockholm syndrome, but I've sometimes felt like I've got quite close to that person over the help, over the course of the interaction, especially if they are helping. I start, do you ever suggest a drink?

No, I haven't gone as far as that. But I've sometimes wondered whether, you know, the next logical step is, you know, get one at least if they've enjoyed it too. Yeah. As much. Yeah. Because, you know, being helped when it works, that's quite nice, isn't it? It's emotionally, it feels good.

So someone's looked after you. The other day I was in, I was in John Lewis and I was talking to a real human. Well, as you would, because it's the greatest human to human service on the planet. It is. Yeah. And I was buying some champagne flutes to give to someone as a gift. Wedding present. Yeah.

Yeah. And he was performing the role of a helpful person, but too much. Oh, really? That can happen, yeah. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Yes, I'll do this for you, sir. Would you like this wrap, sir?

Would you like this check? I went down the sort of obsequious route. He was being fully obsequious. And I always wanted to say, just chill the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, back off. You're in Wales. Yeah, yeah, come on. He was treating me like I was Prince Charles or the King Charles.

He was not Monte Carlo. Yeah. It was really, really weird. And I almost wanted to give him some feedback and be like, you've got to be You're giving me too much respect. Yeah, yeah. Maybe he's on his last legs, though. Maybe he's on strike two or something like that.

You know, he might have started that day with the Bollocking of his life from his superiors. Also, to my right, so I was buying the wine glasses and he was being obsequious. To my right, a man was trying to invoke the warranty on an old pan that he'd bought 10 years ago and didn't have the receipt for. Well, we know how this works. John Lewis, that would be, of course, take your pick. They were bending over backwards for it.

Take your pick of any of our pans. You can have a free blender. You can take this entire till if you want. Gerald, Gerald is over there who's in charge of the Hoover bag. So you can take him home with you if you want. And he can just arguably this four poster bed could be used as a pan. So you could take that if you like. Anything which you could put hot fat on.

Anything's a pan. Anything's a pan. And in fact, here's a cup of hot fat. Feel free to spill hot fat on whatever you like. And if it sticks or leaves a stain. And that includes Gerald. Yes, that includes Gerald before you ask. Yeah.

Yeah. And yes, you must. You may test the pan by putting Gerald's palm on it and seeing how evenly it cooks. Yeah. Gerald is crying with gratitude. Well, but it was awful because they have to be so genteel in John Lewis. And this guy was, for my money, taking the piss, right? If he had any sense of shame, he should have just bought a new pan.

It served you well for 10 years. It's fine. It's not a subscription. You know what I mean? He's treating it, but basically John Lewis treats objects. Essentially, they treat everything as a subscription model, really, in John Lewis. Whatever you buy, you can essentially sort of replace. You're buying it for life.

You're buying it for life. Because he was being a bit of an asshole and he kept saying, because they were slightly pushing back to begin with and saying, why you've you fucked up this pan over the course of 10 years. And he was like, well, what does lifetime guarantee mean? Then it's a good point. And like, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want to this thing. As long as you're as long as you're alive, as long as it's alive.

Oh, that's good. Or as long as whose life has the queen dying in sort of meant that all the guarantees are over. That would seem that would seem fair. I feel like that should be a reset for all lifetime guarantees. It should be. Yeah. I think I may have talked about this on the pod before that I was in John Lewis. Probably I was buying a dishwasher.

And I was in the queue at John Lewis and the woman in front of me. Before you go any further, Henry, I think you may have told the story in the podcast before. However, I think if you tell it in a different way, it's fine. So just think of different ways you can approach this story. From the point of view of the dishwasher, perhaps. Look at them, the fools, the idiots. Putting things into me.

How dare they filling up my mouth. Prerinsing. Prerins, you idiots. There's no point pre or post rinsing. It's all rinse. Rinse doesn't respect time. You can. Rinsing, rinsing is now. Rinsing is now, it was then and it's the future. What are we all but just particles in a rinse cycle?

I'll rinse you in a minute, you buck. I'll rinse all of you. No, you're not sure which tray to put the conditioner in, are you? No. And I'll never tell you, I won't reveal my secrets to you. Are you putting hair conditioner in your dishwasher? You can just think you move dishes. Well, I'm not putting it on my head, am I? Have you seen mine?

Glossy, clean, finished. Do you ladle? I made the mistake of, in my late teens, I got a deal which was to buy hair conditioner for life. I invested half of my student loan. It was a great deal. I thought there was nothing wrong with this. I didn't know I was going to go bald.

I now have, yeah, about three industrial containers worth of hair conditioner that I legally have to use. I can't dispose it because it's top-click. Softest pubes in the business, that's what I mean. It's literally impossible for anything to get caught up in my pubes, it just slides through. Any particle size, it'll literally just slide through. The number of mites that have fallen to their deaths

desperately trying to cling on. Yeah, you can't. No! There's no purchase, no purchase! It's like scaling the vertical face of Al Capitan, isn't it? Only very few people have managed to do it without ropes. Sometimes I wonder why we're doing this! Because it's there!

Yeah, it's an absolute mites graveyard. There's an internal problem with this documentary which is that the guy with the camera has to be as good as climbing as I am! I'm sure that mites haven't yet developed drone technology because they're too small! Oh, the pile of dead mites at the bottom of your left trousers. Yeah, if they could tell a tale. Have either of you had an experience of being in an AI car?

Oh, no, that's like a self-driving car. Yeah, like a friend of mine who's got a Tesla and went for a ride in it. Right. It's a while ago now. And he went automatic pilot for a bit. Is that allowed in the UK? Freak me out.

Don't know, I asked him that and he sort of parried the question quite effectively. I'm pretty sure it's not. And just carried on. But he didn't have his hands on anything. He didn't have any feet on any pedals. Oh, dear. Just on a dual carriageway somewhere.

Putling along. 50 miles an hour. Just kept going. I worry about if I was driving a car but wasn't allowed to use my hands. I have a kind of awkward physicality about what to do with my hands. So what was he doing with them?

Was he just holding his face? Strumming a ukulele. There's going to be a lot more of that. No, he's quite... He's not a fidgeter, this guy. Right, yeah. He's not... Yeah, he wouldn't...

I can understand that you would have that issue. But what was the... Because the way I see it... He's quite happy just to sit there with his hands on his lap and just chat. And wait for death. Because... Yeah.

My worry exactly, Ben, in a way, is if you take away the manual element of driving. So what is it? So then your friend turns to you and is like... So actually, who are you at the end of the day? Do you know what I mean? It's like, if you get rid of all that ceremony and stuff to do, it's like,

oh my God, I'm now staring into the... Into the soul of this person. Our relationship was clear. I always thought I'd just be feeding you travel sweets. Yeah. Offering conversational gambits. The thing is, they say with that Tesla thing, they say the margin of error,

errors will happen because errors will happen. But the margin of error is smaller than human error, which we know exists at a certain level. But I think if a mistake is going to be made, I want to make it, you know? Like, if I end up breaking my spine because a computer did it, I'll be so annoyed. Whereas if I did it, I'll just have to go,

well, that was me. Yeah. Oh, Ben. I think that the way it works is, you should be able to program into your car its ethics that you should be able to control. Because I control myself, right? When I drive my car, my ethics,

I try and apply my ethics through my driving. And you mean your real ethics or your ethics as you wish the outside world to perceive them? Well. Fabulous question. Thank you. Because the glass windows of the car are transparent, I think we all, we know that we're being judged.

So we do, to a degree, behave as we'd like to be seen. But also, some people reveal their true selves in their car, don't they? We've all... Yeah, and some people sit in a tinted car. Some people sit in a tinted car. There's ones you've got to watch out for while they've got to hide. And I think generally motor travel is an ethical system. I think traffic is ethics in action.

And I quite like it. So I'll let you in. Of course, I will. Indicate. Well done. Right of way, please. I'll hold back. In you go.

Keep the traffic moving. Keep the traffic moving. I like being part of that system. Do you know what I mean? Do you guys... Apart from the people directly behind you, who've been waiting for three hours while you're letting everyone out. They're having a horrible time.

They freaking hate it. But I think... So what I'm wondering is how will that ethical element of driving be affected by AI cars and do you program its attitude to... For example, my attitude is I will always let a bus out wherever possible because you're supposed to let buses. Otherwise, there's a swing into aggression to you anyway. Exactly.

But I will probably, more often than not, I will probably cut up a black cab or a Royal Mail van, just because I think they're generally dicks. Is that the kind of information you would program into your car or will the AI... Do you know what I mean? Control that. Yeah.

You program which vehicles get the benefit of the doubt function. Yeah. It's a good question. But also the whole thing, isn't it? The debate is to do with... Yeah, essentially, to what degree would your car save you or jeopardize someone else's... Or save itself.

Or save itself. Yes. You're right, because somebody in Silicon Valley has had to decide in a situation where either you die or the person you hit dies who the car chooses. And I think what they're going to do is the car is going to have a scanning device where it scans that person using facial recognition technology

or quickly assess... Sees what it's GCSE results for. GCSE results. Looks on its Instagram. This will all happen in about, literally two or three seconds. Okay, Instagram history. Does the person...

Carbon footprint. Carbon footprint. Are they up to date with their thank-you letters? Are they up to date with their thank-you letters? For example, even little things like, is this person over the age of 40 but still wears quite tight trousers? How tight are those trousers?

There'll be various ratios and graphs. Is this person someone who might, for example, in a friend's house, go to their muesli and fish out a lot of the raisins and the sultanas? And take them home with them. Take them home with them. And might that friend then turn up one morning

and realise they've got an entirely dry muesli. And it's a big day for them, for example. Whatever. And that's all happening in a nanosecond. In a nanosecond. Right, in a heartbeat. And what it's doing is it's scanning that person. So as a driver, you'll see

a sort of lurid green light popping out of the front of your car. Like scanning this person. And also a green light going into your eyes and scanning you. You can see on the display screen, there's a sort of score going on between the two of you. Two bars next to two avatars.

And as you throw a handful of muesli raisins into your mouth, you see that your score is lower than the first two right to it. And obviously the Bodz in Silicon Valley will have had some fun with it. They'll have an avatar of you, an avatar of that person, and they'll be portrayed in front of you, fighting each other a bit like in... Sort of like in Pokemon.

Firing sort of... Yeah, sort of flame balls at each other. One of you will be getting smaller, one of you getting bigger according to how it's going. Some people, already there are apps now, which are in beta phase, but you can download some of these already. There are apps which detect that the green sensor

is going out the front of your car. And within seconds, we'll start donating money from your account into various charities. Right. It'll empty it out. And they'll do a full... They'll do a full empty...

It'll go straight into help the ages. Help the ages. RSPCA, gone, gone, gone. Clearing it out. Donkey Sanctuary. Donkey Sanctuary. But also, the person who's being scanned, if they have the app as well,

then their phone will also be empty out. To the same Donkey Sanctuary. To the same Donkey Sanctuary. So there'll be this sort of benevolence war taking part. Absolutely. Race against time. You then live in a world in which Donkey Sanctuaries rely on road traffic accidents

to keep their coffers full. So you start seeing people leading donkeys onto motorways in the hope that... So there'll be a lot of potholes being put into roads. A lot of people's brakes on their cars will be getting severed. A lot of false zebra crossings on motorways. Well, donkey crossings, they're known as.

They'll be known as donkey crossings. And for the zebra sanctuaries as well, something will be happening. Obviously, the worst-case scenario is because the technology is all quite new, you weren't actually going to hit someone. There was just one of those life-size cutouts. Of a policeman they have in Poundland.

Of a policeman outside of Poundland. But it turns out at that point, it's too late. You've got no money left now. All your accounts have been cleaned out. And your cars, despite the fact that they picked up very little from the policeman, is crushing itself to the size of a grape to avoid running into it.

And all you have now to keep you warm and feed yourself with is just the warm glow and the sort of internal spiritual sustenance you get from knowing that you've helped reduce the amount of donkeys taking part in donkey fights. You This represents progress. Like a robot chewing a horse.

Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. We had an email from Laura. This is in response to last week we found out that there's a dog named after Henry. Laura in Wakefield has a robot vacuum cleaner called Mike Wozniwak. I like that. I like that even more because it's a creature that is trying to restore order to the chaos. It's quite appropriate for the AI episode, isn't it? Christopher E-mails, Dear Beans, at the beginning of your most recent episode, Ben mentioned that Americans consume, quote,

pink sludge from a nozzle. Christopher is from New Hampshire. He writes this widely untrue and dangerous statement. It's not only misinformation that's finest, but also hurtful to the nation. We consume pink sludge directly from hoses. Everyone knows that nozzles can diminish the flow, and we as a nation are much too on the go to spend too much time consuming those canaries. If you excuse me, I need to hit the hose now. If I'm to have enough time not to exercise while watching reality television tonight, yours, Christopher. Oh, Christopher, live free or die, right? Oh, it's New Hampshire. Yeah, it's the libertarian mecca.

Is it? What happens in New Hampshire? Isn't there an attempt to get enough people to move to New Hampshire who are die-hard libertarians that they can secede from the United States and become their own libertarian? Oh, really? Yeah, maybe. They've got that all over their number plates and all that kind of thing, isn't it? What have they got on the number plates? Live free or die. It's genuinely the state motto of New Hampshire. Shouldn't that be live free and eventually die? Well, you can try and suggest it to them, but I don't think they'll like it. Finally, Mel is from Anna. She's from a place called Prick Willow.

Where is that? I don't know that. Where is that? She doesn't say. This is in response to our claim last week that everyone listening to the podcast is either breastfeeding or asleep. Yeah. She writes, just want to confirm that since my baby Iris was born eight weeks ago. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Very big fan of that. Nice.

Iris of Prick Willow. Lovely. She writes, I have pretty much exclusively listened to the podcast while breastfeeding or asleep. I didn't previously understand how people could fall asleep listening to the beans, but maybe I wasn't tired enough. Also, I listened to your Canada episode during Labour. Oh, wow. Bloody hell. Can we market this?

So expecting mothers as the perfect soundtrack. Feels like we cover a lot of the different elements of the child, you know, birthing and rearing process. Does anyone here like to have sex listening to the podcast? Oh, Henry. Sorry. Henry. Lude content warning. Lude content warning.

Lude content, content. Henry, really? I'm so sorry. Definitely don't email in if you have sex listening to the podcast. Or if you do email in email someone else's podcast. By the way, I suppose in a way there's a generation, isn't there? You were all conceived listening to three bean salad. It was conceived, birthed and breastfed, listening to three bean salad.

They've gone through the letters of the alphabet. Generation Y and Z and it's now beans. It's no generation bean. We don't know yet what these people could grow up like and, you know... Oh, crabs. I say you're right, we do. We know what everyone's going to grow up like. I forgot that.

It's crabs. Baby Iris may look like a little human being at the moment, but... It'll be long for you to hear the clickety-clack of little pincers. And the swishety swish of eyes on the ends of stalks waggling around. Yeah, very good luck to her. Well, thank you, Annette. And to all of the residents of Prick Willow, wherever that may be. Sounds like a very magical place, doesn't it?

Prick Willow, Prick Willow. East Cambridgeshire. There we go. With an estimated population of 440. Elves. 441 now. Yeah. I don't know.

I heard that in Prick Willow, when a baby is born, one of the elders must die. It's straight into the Great River Ooze with them. Way down their pockets with turnips. Put on your sparrow masks. And chuck him in the river. It's a frog leg kick from Baby Iris. And in they go. Thank you, everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

If you would like extra episodes from us, which are made up of bits of these episodes that we don't put out and save for the extra episode, you can get that. And if you sign up, you get all of our old extra episodes as well going back to the beginning of time. There are various tiers. One of the tiers is the Sean Bean Tier. That gives you access to the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night. Yes.

So I was. At the old Sean Bean flute fight. It was. Thank you, Ben. It was the old Sean Bean flute fight. And here's my report. The old Sean Bean flute fight at the Sean Bean Lounge was conducted according to Queensbury Rules, ABRSM Sub-Directive.

Kieran Chewley opened the Rumpus by playing a sonata composed by Sean Bean to be played on Sean Bean using him like a series of man-made milk bottles. It was a haunting if challenging piece requiring a different embouchure for each orifice. Kieran described performing it as his proudest achievement since he pegged Dylan Chewley at the back of the Flutemongers AGM in 1983. Cheryl Bowesfield was first on the combat mat, taking on Flo Frederick and a side-blown bamboo flute grapple. Little suspecting that Dave Piotrowski and Ryan O'Shea were waiting under the mat,

armed with hobnail tin whistles at Flo's request, and that Flo had bribed umpire Tom Fuller with strawberry lip-self to swing the match. Cheryl might have been done for early doors, where it not for the self-styled Bowesfield battalion of Demi Gilpin, Lars Anderes and Jeremy Coleman, hurtling to her aid, and pan-piping the aggressors into flautist's dribble. Andrew Gay's Copinical sub-contrabass arpeggio to the death with Krusty Engel had to be cancelled when it emerged that Krusty had failed to declare having been a former sergeant in his majesty's elite special flute regiment, and had played the flute behind enemy lines

in at least four theatres of conflict. The crowd now growing restless, it was decided to declare a last flautist standing all-out omni-flute skirmish. Crop Edwards took a vicious top-blown nose flute to the neck from Roger and Catherine Marsh, who were felled from behind by Nick Dancy with a semi-automatic piccolo. Tom Raw flutter-tongued Rory Skiyan over the ropes, Mia Davis jet-whistled Hazel Buchock through Chris Allen's hollowed-out B-flat thighbone, and just at the point that Chris Ryan thought he'd vanquished all opposition with a bicycle-pump-powered shinobu, in-stepped

Elizabeth Jemison, who separated Chris into three small parts and packed them away in a rectangular felt-lined box. Congratulations, Elizabeth. And before we go, let's see which version of our theme tune we're going to play out. We've got Connors Hendricks in the bank, can we? Yes, so last week we paid out Connors Gypsy Jazz, which I have to say was absolutely top notch. Yeah.

So thank you Connors for that. It was really good. And you also sent in this one we're going to use, which is Jimi Hendricks inspired. And I can't wait to hear it. Yes, please. All right. Until next time. Thank you for listening.

Goodbye. Thank you. Bye. All right. All right. All right.