Three Bean Salad - Avatar 2: The Way Of Water

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

What’s that? A crossover ep? Has the world turned upside down? No. Behold! What lies in store is an exclusive, once in a lifetime piece of podcasting as Three Bean Salad get sent their topic of the week by none other than The Chatatar Podcast - the world’s foremost source of Avatar based lukewarm banter. That topic? “Avatar 2: The Way Of Water”. What else.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

You know what? My computer is incredible story has had an incredible new lease of life. It hasn't crashed for like, almost a year now. And I thought it was completely I can't I can't hit Don't mess with me. I know you can hear me crystal clear. It's incredible. Honestly, this this is one of those amazing stories. It's like when Muhammad Ali had that at the age of 35, he's won the championship back in the jungle. He's won back the top belt, the biggest belt. He's got a new brand new belt at 35.

I had to buy a brand new belt at 35. And that was kind of the opposite of Muhammad Ali. Well, those are the two belts that you have to get, don't you? In life? Randall, I'm gonna have stacked on some weight. And the one when you when you've entered the pantheon of sporting gods, very much opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, aren't they?

And can't really be worn at the same occasions either. If you pack the wrong belt for a wedding or something, just looks a bit showy. I've got my world heavyweight boxing champion of the world belt. Yeah, no, no, I did. I did forget it. I did forget it. No, I'm not just not being like that. They're not very practical belts, those belts. You go you go through all that to win a belt. And then what's that going to pair with realistically?

Also, good luck taking that down to your local leather mongers and asking him to stick an extra hole in it. If your body if your body shape does change over the years, because you know, are you going to get charged through the nose for that? You get charged your nose for battering a pin sized hole through something made out of sheer tin, probably isn't it? Very, very hard to work with. It is funny, isn't it? How in boxing, wrestling, the thing

that you're competing for is a belt. It's old, isn't it? I mean, it doesn't make it doesn't make more sense than a cup. I mean, a cup doesn't make much sense either. The cup cup or leases can be put on a shelf. The belt, I suppose you probably just need to hire an entourage of people just to stand on display, sort of mannequins, don't you? In your living room, in lieu of a trophy cabinet, it suits the person that makes a mannequin of themselves every couple of years

to create a kind of visual reference point for their progress in life and has them living around him. But how many of us have the time to do that? Obviously, we'd all like to. One thing I would say about the cup, though, is the cup for me because you say, yeah, the cup, what's the point of winning a cup? I do remember as a kid, when it was first explained to me that they don't actually get to keep the World Cup or the cup. I mean, that Oh, that it took me years to get. I still haven't

got over that. It just made no sense. What are you talking about? If you've been watching this, we've been following this toilet for a month. They've done it for the cup. There's constant photos of previous people holding the cup. Hang on a minute, that should have been made a new cup each year. And they then work out a rotor of who gets the cup for January, who gets it exactly. They must split it over the year. It's like a time share. Isn't it, dad? It's like a time share. Yeah. Obviously,

the summer months are the most the ones where you really want the cup, you want to throw it off down the beach, don't you? Put it down the front of your speedos, whatever. Have fun with it. Obviously, the summer months are the most popular. So those probably get swapped every couple of years or I'd want it for Christmas, I think. Yeah, some some people might want it for Christmas. Yeah, no one wants it in November. Exactly. Maybe the engraver gets to take it away for the weekend. Maybe they draw

maybe they draw lots. I don't know. Maybe you get it for a longer spell in November. Maybe someone's got a birthday in November. Maybe there's someone who's keen. Exactly. Maybe someone wants to drink hot cider out of it while they're watching a fireworks display. Trophy scrumpy night. What I'm saying is this cup is great all year round, Mike. Sorry, I just want to make that very clear. Okay, don't try and make out there's a month where drinking out of the World Cup isn't going

to be fun. You're right. Take it back. You're quite right. Of course, the World Cup actually isn't a cup, is it? It's three golden ghosts holding an Atlas football, an Atlas ball or the Earth, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you can't actually do anything with that. It's really simple. But I know you can you can thrust that through the internal cavity of a lamp and then yeah, it's great. Rotate it slowly over fire. It's a really good tool for whacking a nail through a thick leather belt as

well. If you need to. So actually, you can actually match up with the boxers if they need to resize their specs. It's the only tool that will work for that. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, it's good as you're right. You're right, Ben. It's so it's agriculturally, you can use it for it's a spit row spit or any sort of bovine. So if you need a bovine cesarean, what if you what if you've opted for the blunt cesarean? You're going for a fully blunt cesarean where where the the mother of the calf is

of roasting age. So I think I can say that because I think the reason I can see it is because I was born by cesarean section myself. So I've been there. I've been at the sharp end of it. And you're approaching roasting age yourself, aren't you? Approaching roasting age myself. So I've got both ends of this covered. But I think Henry, when I found out when I found out that same

thing, I was also didn't make sense to me. But I think if you win the World Cup a certain number of times, you do get to keep it or is that boner? That might be true. But that might be true. But I still think the core. I actually, I don't think that's true. Anyway, but to show you. No, I got you there, didn't I? It sounds like a great piece of not true trivia, doesn't it?

Well, the irony there, though, isn't it? Is that as a child? So so there are a couple of things that I remember playing my mind as a child. I may have just I may have mentioned these before on the podcast. Concept of death. I'm still fine with that, weirdly. I'm waiting for that to hit in. That I think I still got that actually that that childhood

sort of assumption that they'll have covered death by the time I get that they'll have sorted it. They've got top they've got top boffins on this. Yeah, I'm very much on your team as well. They've designed a sandwich with three bits of bread in it. They've designed they can do these guys, they can pull off incredible stuff. Do you know what I mean? I mean, they've designed this to the three slice sandwich in a box. Can you imagine the admin has to

go into that? They've got a tour bus that can go on the water as well as land. Exactly. They've got they've got fully amphibious tourism options. Catamarans. Catamarans. Yeah, I think they've got hotels which are under water, I think they've made a perfect waxed Frank Sinatra. They've made they've made it a perfect wax, wax and actually they're so accurate that even Frank Sinatra's own ghost

doesn't know the difference. Because because he does hold it carry on. Could it not be argued, Henry, that scientists have been spending much too much time on on all this rather than living for everything. It turns out it turns out the boffins are the ultimate procrastiners. I don't need three choices of sandwich in a box. I can just choose. I don't need a ham salad prawn, prawn brulee and a

basic cheese. I just pick a side. In fact, maybe that suggests that the scientists are you're right, our procrastinators themselves, they're not focusing on the right stuff. But it feels like they've probably hit a wall hit some sort of wall, haven't they? When it comes to the everlasting life thing. It's anyway, so the things which blew my mind as a kid that I didn't make any sense to me was when my dad explained to me that

the left and right system is the opposite if you're facing the other way around. That I was actually angry when I found out I was like, no, no, left. Well, that that was a big bump in the road for the scientists trying to do eternal life, to be honest. They spent a long time trying to work better. He did.

So you had just as far as you were concerned worked out where magnetic left was. I was completely sure where my left was. And I was looking forward to a light, a future exploring the high seas and mapping the undiscovered dark left, the sections of the left that had to be explored. So I was completely if I remember I was standing in a town square, and I worked out I got left is over there, right is over

there. And then had it all sorted. And then my dad went town square, where did you grow up in some sort of mid European town? It was I remember the the Matins Bell was tolling. And the cry was talking of this morning's hands, right? And the harvest was being celebrated by everyone tipping as much cheese as they could down the well. Everyone was getting all their cheese down. Fresh cut cheese, fresh cut cheese sacrifice down the well to

bring in a good harvest. So anyway, no, I think it was on a holiday. That's why we're in a town square. So then I turned round to explain to him how happy I was how I'd sorted it. And then he explained, no, you've nearly got it. It's just that when you're facing this way, it's the exact opposite. And when you're facing that way, so that's, well, you've got left, right, forward, it's off by 25 degrees. In fact, it's infinitely in fact, there's actually infinite amounts of left and

right infinite left. So by the time you've infinite left, you might as well not have any left. Yeah, yeah, dad. Which is why you're now a zero leftist is now a zero. I don't believe in left, you know, refused to it's a conspiracy. I'm not on board with it. But you want to keep on doing your left and right. Be my guest. Yeah. Oh, thank goodness for up and down. Exactly. Well, those ones you can rely on. That's all we've got, frankly.

Yeah, so so yeah, left and right. That blew my mind. The other much blew my mind was, again, I may have mentioned this already, was when I was explained to me that the people, the cashiers and supermarkets didn't get to take all that money home with them at the end of the day. Oh, I don't think so. You still think they do? You still assume that's still been your assumption? You've not had that challenge yet?

How does it work? Yeah, see, how else does it work? Yeah. Can't leave that overnight, right? And then some of the money goes into the head of that five glass Labrador, and then that walks home. That's right, jingling all the way. But the thing about not keeping the car right, because in a way, I think this is an example of the wisdom of children. Because I'm feel free to create a wisdom of children jingle, by the way.

Father, why is there war? Oh, the innocent wisdom of children. Father, instead of the fighting, why aren't the people doing more of the hucking? Wise, wise, wise child. So they're all, they've won the cup. Look how happy they are. They're holding the cup. They're crying. They worked hard for that cup. They worked hard for that cup.

When you're telling me they don't get the cups, the cup's truly symbolic. So what you're being told there as a child is, no, no, no, it doesn't mean anything. It's meaningless. It's absurd. So the child there, we're on to something as a child there. They should win the cup. I mean, if you're not winning the cup, what is it? And it turns out it's nothing. It's just now you watch when a team wins, wins the cup or wins the league in any football, I'm thinking about any sport, what happens

is you get a shot of them, they win. And what it means is they did this funny dance on the pitch where they kind of jump up and down, and then small rectangles of colored paper are released around them. And then they do this thing with me, because they kind of don't know what to do, because they don't know what's really happened. Because they don't actually get it, but if they actually got to keep the cup, they'd have a cup.

They would just quietly walk back to the changing room with their cup. They'd quietly walk back to the changing room. Quietly content with what was happening. Yeah, and what else do you do with a cup? They'd maybe make a cup of tea, put it in the cup, or they'd get a special shelf for it, start drawing up the rotor for the year. Do you know what I mean?

I do think that when I watched the World Cup final, when they were all dancing and stuff afterwards, I sort of felt like even if I was in the team that had won the World Cup, I don't think I would celebrate in that way. Like, that's not how I celebrate. I mean, I've never celebrated anything by dancing around. I think you're right, like, it's a learned behavior that you sort of have to do because you have to do this funny jiggly dance. And it's like, is that what it's all

about? Because I can do that dance right now. Do you mean it'll save me? I don't need to win a World Cup to do that. I think the person I understand who's jiggling up and down awkwardly is the sub in the squad who never made it off the bench and the whole tournament. He hasn't played a single minute. That guy, that always pains me. There's too many people in that

jiggly dance. There's too many people there. And, you know, some of them are sort of, you know, behind the scenes, you know, the sort of medics and the physios. But some of them are players who just didn't. And so I always find that I find it quite painful, that image, because I know there's a couple of people jiggling in and someone's going, come on, come on, Gary, come on in. Come on, no, no, no, I didn't, I didn't talk about kick the ball. Come on. He's got a jiggle up and

down. And he's heartbroken. He's utterly heartbroken. Well, that's why you're not the novel you're writing is it's called the spare jiggler, isn't it? It was zero research football based novel. I'm scorer again. Are you mad? Yeah. Yeah. How many segments to expect me to get out of one orange? I didn't get into this business for segmenting.

That's quite good stuff in there. Although one thing I will say about a world about a cup because you say you say a cup is a pointless object. No, nobody said that. Never think that a cup is a pointless object. I'm talking to the fourth being the, you know, the meta being the being in my head, the dark side, Benjamin, Henry and Mock. There's someone out there that someone out there that's

thinking that the cup is a pointless object. But I would say because it's a metal cup with two handles. When do you ever need that? Well, I'll tell you when when you're playing tug of a cup. When you paint a good muscle building game a tug of a cup. It's actually I think all cups should have that all mugs and cups just have two handles because you think about it. That's a mug you can actually hand or a cup you can hand to

someone that's got hot beverage in it. Whereas a hot mug, a mug of hot, hot some liquids. I may have hit some sort of wall half way through this idea. We can coach you through this. It's okay. Get me through it. I've hit my darkest hour. This is my this is my Nadir. I need I need I need my beans around me. Really be there for me. You know, when you it's really hard to handle a hot cup of tea

or hot mug because you've got one handle on it. So someone has to be in a lot of pain. It's a notorious issue. And do you handle it? Do you get hot fingers or do they got help fingers? You know, someone's going to get hot fingers here. And but do you know the reason why there aren't two Henry? If you're going to talk to me about dishwasher logistics, then we can end this conversation right now.

Because I'm sick to the teeth. I've had the boys from Smeg. I've talked to the boys from Smeg talk the lads from Bosch. Yeah, talk to the women from Miele. You've been asking for a bespoke, slightly wider dishwasher for years, haven't you? And they won't do it. They won't do it. Because apparently something else in the kitchen has to suffer, which is generally the cupboard with the 1000 bags for life in it. But you can push that one screen and squeeze that one tighter

then I believe we can still squeeze that cupboard tight those bags. They've got more given them. So my point was that once you've put two handles on, where does this up? Well, yeah, why doesn't someone go? Well, if you put three handles on, then someone could pass it to someone else and then someone else. So two people could get in on that mug, then you got four handles, then you've got five handles, then you've got an

entire ring of handles. It's just dense handles. No one's getting their fingers in at all. I think, Henry, the cup thing with children not understanding why you don't get the cup. Does it point at kind of like an inherent materialism of children that you slightly grow out of as you get older? Well, maybe yes. But on contrary to that, it also shows that

children don't haven't yet developed a strong sense of sponsorship deals from Adidas and the like. That's right. That's a good point. And wage structures, TV rights, the fact is that by winning that cup, you've raised the profile of yourself as a player, your image rights, and now something that you can look at exploiting financially, you you're opening up fiscal opportunities and fiscal range, isn't it? So we're

talking about maximising earning capacity across a range of platforms. And if you find yourself in that situation, do get on to Omnibank. Because Omnibank, we are we like to think of ourselves as the financial equivalent of of a proper bank of a real bank of a tiger. We're like a mechanised tiger. But we're your tiger. Imagine a tiger with your face and

Satan's heart. That's that's the Omnibank way. No, but yeah, you're right, Mike, it's about it's about revenue potentials, maximisation, also legacy stuff, that kind of thing, isn't it? That's what it's about. It's not very tuned into legacy. It's very rare here kind of a four year old say, I must secure my legacy this day.

You will remember me when I have passed on to Valhalla. My name will echo in the halls and the feasting rooms of this palace forever. I know I'm a great child, but what does it mean if I'm not remembered for centuries to come? I will make my mark on this continent mark my words. And yes, I will have some of the apple yogurt please. The apple yogurt. Yes, if you could smush the apple in the

oven. Yes, I know I'm great. As I know, I'm good. Don't tickle me that. I like it when you tickle me that. I know I'm good. We've just invented Boss Baby, have we? I've not seen Boss Baby, but I think we may have invented it. 12 years too late. Damn. That's heartbreaking, because also in the wide swath of human

history, that's just like a blink. You know, we were so close to getting Boss Baby. I know. And that would have ironically secured our legacy. That would have secured all of our legacies. I mean, my legacy right now is shaky as heck. Actually, Christmas pudding that's trying to stand up right on a chopstick. That's how that's how I feel about my legacy right

now. It's like it's a full time job just to keep it. And is it on fire with hot brandy? The chopsticks on fire as well. It's all on fire. But not with hot brandy, because that's good fire. That's entertainment fire. That's family fire, isn't it? Yeah, it's proper fire. It's petrol fire. Because if you come to something brandy and set fire to it, it's a harmless and pleasurable blue flame that gets created,

isn't it? All it does is enhance family values and a sense of togetherness and I can't burn anything from itself. If you put a spoiler that's not true, not a spoiler, a warning. Yes. All flames are dangerous in their own way. Yeah. Apart from the flame friendship.

Yeah, that's true. Well, I tell you what, an old flame of mine got back in touch and I think that one might be dangerous because it's that sexy monk. Oh, that's sexy, sexy. He's still dating that that that monk that or the sexy monk. Yeah, the sexy monk. Yeah, I mean, well, we're not exactly dating on and off, isn't it? Because he has to spend well, 95%

of of any 24 hour period chanting and and he's just been off on a 90 day pilgrimage barefoot, walking to the south of France. I mean, he's dating because he's writing his own history of Constance and Opal. So he's writing that's right. A lot of heavily illuminated days, constantly dating. But I'll tell you what. Oh, hang on. Think of your legacy, Henry.

The Christmas wedding is wobbling hard. Hardly any chopsticks left. It's almost all burnt away. I tell you what, it's not just his pews he keeps in order. He also has to shave a lot downstairs because he's infected by the lot of lice because it's very poor hygiene standards up in there, up in a medieval monastery. Also, we've got to make the hair shirts out of something, haven't they? So

Oh, that sexy monk. Right. Okay, nicely done. What were we talking about? Okay, it's time to turn on the B machine. And this week, instead of playing our normal B machine jingle, we are using one sent in by Hannah from Norwich. Thank you, Hannah. Thanks, Hannah.

She says, Hi beans, I've had to go the B machine theme, but in an instrumental orchestral style, picture the B machine going off on an epic quest flying through the sky, or appearing on an episode of Garden as World. That's about why I think this lands. I hope you enjoy yours, Humberly Hannah. So let's have a listen. Lovely. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, Hannah. I picture a sort of sun kissed field.

Very peaceful, wasn't it? I liked it because I think it's it distracted from rather than captured the visceral violent experience that the B machine is. Yes, but you're the only person who has to really think about that. The rest of us don't want to think about that. We want to think about what it's for, what it symbolizes. That almost felt like a dream, Ben, where you were dreaming that

the B machine had somehow been they'd managed to separate it from your, your body, and the in your sort of frolicking and gambling free in a field. A blissful pain free moment just before death. Yeah. After that unsurvivable separation, which we all knows coming one day, don't know when. And you know that you've only got a limited amount of time and

you're just you're gambling, you're gambling, you're gambling and I want the phone to William Hill. The phone to William Hill, okay. He's doing the old gamble, gamble. Trying to finish a wordle. You know, there's no time. But thank you, Hannah. That was lovely. Okay, so this week's topic is sent in by the Chattata podcast. What? Who are they?

Wait a minute. They've got in touch. The number one podcast in the Avatar two way of water podcast universe. Well, I believe Chattata covers Avatar one and two, as well as potential future Avatar episodes and the Avatar universe in the round, Mike. That's right. Well, I just want to say we're all big fans of that pod.

It's very, very good. And so thank you for contacting us and be more than happy to talk about your topic, which, which is what do they want? Avatar to the way of water. Golly, a podcast crossover rep for the last episode of this series. Extraordinary. Wow, it's a bold move.

It's the last episode of the series. So it's nice to do something a bit different, a bit fun, a bit special. I did put a call into our fuckers and see whether they want to do a crossover episode. Yes. Obviously, that's slightly awkward for Henry, because he'd be crossing over with himself.

Yes, it's tricky diary wise. And obviously, this podcast has been has been going on for a while, hasn't it? So it is time for us to sort of try ill-conceived experiments, isn't it, in a desperate bid to try and clutch onto it for a bit longer. What's it called when you've already jumped the shark, but you're going to jump another shark?

Yeah, it's the shark jump Megadon three pointer. I think it's what it's called. Now, Mike, you had a bit more spare time than usual this week. The tour is bedded in. You know what you're doing? The show's there. You know, according to everybody, but yeah, yes, true. But the pre-show anxieties are melting away as you become

more comfortable performing the show on a nightly basis. But basically, performing a show, you've gone through the emotional journey performing show, which is the anxiety of creating it. Then the pizzazz, the showbiz, the wow, the excitement, the glamour, the sparkle, the tinsel nights in Soho with the Patrick's we've already discussed, you've been through all that excitement.

But and then it then it just this point becomes a job and it becomes as as as dull and flavorless a grind for you as as working back in the wafer factory, isn't it? That's what inspired the show. Exactly. Was he was he was he was in the wafer factory? Um, but isn't it? Because it's what what it and that's that's what people don't

understand about a pouch show. This they didn't understand about podcasting. I mean, none of us are enjoying as are we right now. It's like, for me, I feel like I'm back in a cracker factory. Isn't it? It's just dry, pre-record your bits, don't you? You record your bits and Ben and I have to try and work it out over the top.

These are all pre-recorded. I don't even know a difficult job for me and Ben to try and Oh, it's horrible. But you do a very good job of editing, especially moments like this, where it feels like we actually are, you know, replicating the awkwardness of just a challenge. But obviously, I'm by myself. I'm actually I'm on holiday.

I'm in Patagonia. I'm exploring Patagonia at the moment, which is I'm currently in a Zorb, I've, I've wired up a Zorb. So I'm actually I'm floating through the Patagonian mountains. I'm looking at, for example, right now to my left, I'm looking at an absolutely breathtaking crystal river that's staking its way through an absolutely fabulously grand and imposing valley flanked by huge, robbing, great mountains, probably with an eagle.

I can see an eagle, I can see an eagle doing something. That's the only way for me to actually stay awake during the I'm so bored of this process, but I have to be experiencing extreme beauty. And actually the Zorb, right now exactly, I've just I've gone off the edge of a cliff now. So I'm free Zorb. I'm free Zorbing.

I'm free Zorbing. Whoa! So that's where the energy is coming from. And obviously, you guys, you guys will work something around it. Probably didn't keep this bit in because you're going to give way all the secrets. Mike's actually touring by Zorb, aren't you? I am, I'm absorbing about which is why.

So at the moment, I'm, it's tricky. I'm up, I'm sort of edging towards Cumbria now. It's been very, I'm in Lancaster today. It's been very hard getting up here. And then Kendall, there's going to be some uphills, but then I'm going to, I'm going to roll, roll back down towards the Midlands and the South. That's, that's the plan because I think the South and the Midlands are downhill from Cumbria.

Yeah. And have you managed to minimize the amount of puking that happens within the Zorb, Zorb? No, no, no, no, that's, that's a big problem, especially when you're wearing a woolen suit on the stage. Yeah. But I mean, I've not done a tour like this before. So, you know, you iron these things out as you go through, don't you?

It's all, it's a life, lifelong learning, really. Because you said you feel like, you know what it's like now to be a sock in a washing machine for the puke. Don't you? That after parties suck, which is a feeling I've long wanted to experience. Cause it's hard to organize things in, obviously there are various different orders in which things can be organized in life. It's alphabetical order.

There's chronological order. There's reverse chronological order. But altitude, altitudinal order, it's quite hard to organize a tour, isn't it, altitude and order? Yeah, we haven't, we haven't managed it by any means. So there is, there is going to be quite a lot of Zorbal Huffing going on for me. People are going to, people are going to see me Huffing it up the M6 on the Zorb down the hard shoulder.

And, you know, fine, by all means, hoot your horns as you've been doing, but please, please don't, please don't jeer, because I'm, I'm, I'm struggling. I'm struggling. I'm having a tough old time. Is it correct that you introduce a Shetland Pony into the inside of the Zorb, which starts running and then gets it moving to go up the hill? Yes, but the Shetland Pony, Shetland Pony, yeah, excelsior, started getting quite distressed, didn't like it.

We had to divert to a pony farm, just, just north of Leeds and where it's just gone into retirement, which is another expense. These things that, yeah, it's a whole, the whole thing is a massive loss making enterprise. Excelsior is writing his memoirs now, isn't he? And he said, I think he does say in them, doesn't he, that he now knows what it feels like to be a Shetland Pony in a washing machine, full of puke and a sock.

Yeah, we did leave on good terms. Also, it must be, is it a bit humiliating that people have seen you in the show and they think, oh, excited at the pizzazz, and then they're on the way home, is that the guy we saw in the show? So if you look in the, in the wing mirror, is this a guy Huffing and Puffing, looks like he's in a Zorb with a, with a pain on the hard shoulder. He's your puncture.

Should we, should we pull over and help him? No, no, no, it's not, it's not safe. We just left, just leave it there. Someone else will pull up, he'll be fine. Looks like he's crying, doesn't matter. I mean, yeah, yeah, he won't come out for a Zorb, will he, as he was discovered. It's not on, I never registered Zorb for my A card, which I'm ruined.

By the way, Mike, I just want to make sure, because then you've got some long trips involved, if you're feeling tired, you do Zorb over into the hard shoulder and have a nap, don't you? Please, please tell me you do. I'm already having the hard shoulders where the work is being done, do you know what I mean? Well, he's already in the hard shoulder. You're already in the hard shoulder.

He's orbs into the road and has a nap. Yeah. I heard that you Zorb into the road and have a nap and then hope that the cars just boot you along the motorway. I'm hoping for a little nudge, a little nudge from an estate. Yeah, or a Kia Sportage, if I can get it, you know, pummel you to the next destination, but they won't actually let me into the service stations, because there's no way you can park a Zorb, technically, on a service

station, so it is tiring. But presumably be useful for you to use the tyre air pressure things. Do you ever use those to just give yourself a boost? Just myself. Just yourself. Yeah, yeah, from short puff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, just pet me off of it.

Anyway, what I was getting at, Mike, is that obviously you're spending a lot of time dragging that Zorb around, but you managed to car that did me time this week, didn't you? You had a little window of me time, and normally you'd be spending that time, what, a couple of kick cats and just, you know, ponder over some of the mistakes I've made over the years. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

And sometimes you'll, because sometimes I don't, you sometimes think of me time as meat time, doesn't you? Why can't meat time be meat time? So sometimes you'll get a couple of supermarket sausages, take the inner meat out of the skin and reform it into shapes of people you've known. Shapes of people I've wronged. Yeah, I apologize. Because these are, these are the things that happen on tour, isn't it?

People don't know about that. You go through stuff like this. It's just, that's what happens as part of the touring life. Yeah, yeah. So my, my fingers absolutely stink of cured meats and chorizo. Yeah, but, you know, that's, that's all part of the, anyone who's been on tour will understand what I'm talking about. Yeah, it just, it pushes you to strange places, doesn't it?

For example, you've, are you on tour right now, by the way? Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Lancaster as we speak. You're in Lancaster. Can I say, I've just noticed that, are you in a hotel? Yeah. Is that some hotel art on the wall behind you? It is, yeah. Well, it's actually not a hotel technique.

I've got, I've got, I've got a little sort of flat in Lancaster because I managed to find a flat that was actually cheaper than the local hotels and was pretty decent parking. Another thing which happens on tour is, that thought you've had, you're going to keep that thought going for about six or seven hours. I've told everyone, I know about it actually. That's been, that's been my, my conversational gambit. Oh, you'll have some adventures on tour, maybe you'll have some stories.

Well, yes, actually, let me tell you in Lancaster, when I booked a bike, actually found a, actually on a flat, quite good, secure parking on the ground. And later on, obviously, no breakfast, and there's no breakfast. I didn't think of that at the time. There's no breakfast, no, nothing like that at all, but there is good parking. Actually cheaper than, and later on this afternoon, you'll be sitting, I imagine in the town centre, in a major coffee franchise, and you'll, that thought will just come back to you again, you'll go, yeah.

It'll be a source of great comfort. It actually was slightly cheaper than the hotel. Yeah, yeah. So what I was getting at, Mike, is that obviously you had a bit of me time. Yes. And you spent it the right way. I spent it the way that the beans wanted me to spend that time. Yes.

Not just the beans, but the way that our sort of patron, James Cameron, wanted you to spend it. Yeah. Well, very much not, because not only did I go and see a way of water, I saw it in 3D, which I don't think either of you managed to do, did you? No, because Mike sent us a WhatsApp image of him holding his 3D glasses ready to view. And I, I immediately got this, like, I don't actually felt the same way,

Henry. I couldn't believe it. Deep pang of, like, regret that I didn't go full 3D. Such a hard pang. Not just 3D, but I believe IMAX. The IMAX, yes. The bigger, there's an emcee at the IMAX, some of them, if he is. A guy came on before the screening after the...

James Cameron. James Cameron came on, disguised as an Irishman in his 30s. Did a bit of banter with the crowd, or... Did a bit of banter with the crowds and told us that it was the biggest screen in Europe, I think he said. Why do we need it to be the biggest screen in Europe? Do you know what I mean? I actually could have done with it being not the biggest screen in Europe,

as it turned out, particularly because it was almost entirely sold out. When I got the ticket, mine was in the front row, bloody hell. I mean, within... God, that's too big. I would say 90 seconds. I had an absolute splitting headache, and the sound is... The volume is up to kind of 75, and it's overwhelming, yeah, in that place. The human being is not designed to empathize with a face that is, like,

70 feet tall. Do you know what I mean? The face of a guard, of a very guard. We're actually, if anything, our bodies are probably our response would be to run or hide, rather than empathize and get involved in their story. If you come across a face that big, so you're not designed for it. Yeah. But why did it have to be...

Because, for me, what storytelling is about, right, is actually just stumbling across a delightful, little old, higgledy-piggledy second-hand bookshop called McRinkel and the Sun. Oh, look at that. Luckily, old, creaky sign. It's got a picture of a book on it. McRinkel and Suns. I think I'll just have to have a little pop in.

Welcome to McRinkels and Suns. Enjoy the different worlds that we can transport you through to and around using old-fashioned book technology. Not just with books, but with a range of flapjacks. Which we've designed to open like books. They're called Book Jacks. Flap. We call them Flapbox.

Flap. Look here. Why don't you try and read this fourth edition of Tristram Shandy, which has got almost 57% of the pages remaining? Hmm? Only 42p. And while you're enjoying that, why don't you have a nice little Flapbook Jack? Flapbook Jack.

Flapbooks. We're not quite sure what to call them yet. But you creep them open and then you look at them. You think they're dry and raisiny, but bite through and they're actually even dry or on the inside. They are on the outside. It's like the opposite of an eclair. I'm afraid I picked out the raisins last week.

There are no raisins left. There's no raisins left in there. And you creep around the little higgledy-piggledy corridors of McRinkels and Suns and you can smell that smell of dust and, you know, the hot buttery smell of another set of Flapbook Jacks being cooked up downstairs and, you know, you pull a book off the shelf and you smell it. Well, I love that smell. The smell of an old book.

Oh, but then you realise it's a French grammar O-level guide from 1982. And you think, yes, I'm going to have this. I will read it. I just love the smell of old books. That's adorable. Oh, that's adorable. Oh, oh, I feel really endeared to you now. I know. I know what you mean.

But I tell you what I really like. It's actually just smelling books and not even reading them. Do you know what I call my kindle? Optimus Prime, because it's an evil robot. Yeah, because actually I like to smell old books. You know, the next kindle edition, this is true. The next kindle edition, they've teamed up with a vape company and you press a button and it releases the smell of old books while you're reading it.

And you can choose different different types of old book, really old books, lots so old. Flood damaged. Flood damaged, bilious. Dog, dogged, not dogged, cat-eared, parrot's chat on it. And of course, banala and banala. So that's going to be part of the reading experience for me. So what is the point you're making?

Well, the point that I'm making is, when you go into McCrinkels and Sons, he doesn't say, and by the way, if you come out in the back, I've got the biggest copy of Ulysses in Europe. It's 17 feet tall. Each word is bigger than a car. It's incredible. Like, it's not about that. Certainly, look, look, this is probably just me.

I'm sorry, it's just me. This probably isn't you guys and other people, but it maybe it's just silly old me. I've got this thing about, I like just like old book shops and the smell of books and old fashioned things and like a leather satchel. It's all curled up, that kind of thing. But maybe it's just me. You guys carry on, you know, I know you like your monster trucks and your massive screams and all that.

That's probably just silly old me. I was slightly troubled because the guy sitting next to me had brought a child with him who could have been no more than five years of age. That I found quite stressful. You know when they're so small that they sit on a chair at a perfect right angle? Because their legs, there's no leg dangling, right? Their shoes are just poking over the edge of the seat. They don't need the leg dangle.

Yeah, that whole functionality element of a chair is for them, not for them. It's just a flat, it's just a sort of bed basically. It's a bed, yeah. They've just been wedged in, they're just perfectly wedged in basically. So was the kid facing you then? What? No, the kid was facing the screen. Oh, I thought you meant that the kid was 90 degrees from the screen.

So facing you. No, I mean, as in there, that's the way they're sat. Just to illustrate the size of this child, you know, the legs aren't dangling. If you ran a string from the end of their foot to the top of their head, you'd create a perfect equilateral triangle. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that's how that's how they fit on the chair, right? The knees aren't dangling over the end of the chair. They're that little, like all that's poking over the end of the chair is their shoes. So actually, they're the shape of a book. They're the shape of a book. Which is actually probably what, certainly, just silly old me. But actually, I guess what I prefer doing, probably, actually. You love the smell of an old child.

It's the shape of a book, don't you? I do love the smell of an old, dusty old child. Whereas adults in that kind of chair, you just sort of fill the chairs, you sort of fill the container in a way, a bit like the way of water. Oh, lovely. Interesting. Very nicely done. Always finds a way.

But I found that quite stressful. The angle of the child. Yeah, because they're not going to enjoy it, are they? I thought, based on what you told me, what I knew about it, I thought for a start, this is more than three hours long, right? I've gathered there are battle scenes. And sure enough, there is a point where someone's arm gets severed, you know? I know.

In brilliant 3D, and in slow motion as well. James Kaminoff, he decided, you're not going to miss this, okay? There's no way anyone is going to miss the fact this guy, because he's a bad guy. We want to see his arms been severed. It's going to be severed. Off it goes. There we go. And does it spin towards you with a 3D?

Is it quite...? Yeah, yeah, your face is splashed with 3D blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that kind of stuff. You're not missing it. Did you look over to the five-year-old at that moment? I did, yeah. She's obviously quite a battle-tested kid, because she took it all in a stride, to be fair.

She went for one piddle. And apart from that, there was no weeping, no gnashing of teeth, no distress. And yeah, I have to assume that this little girl in 14 years' time is going to be... The world's most prolific female serial killer. Exactly. She's going to be conducting some sort of... The blue menace. She's going to be conducting an atrocity.

And yeah, it's going to be in blue. But another blue man group franchise has been murdered. We're losing blue man groups like... They're dropping like blue flies, blue bottles. Killer leaves a small piece of popcorn right over the body, and that's it. What does it mean? I don't know, but I'm going to mull this over in about four hours after I finish watching Avatar 17.

So that felt quite stressful. And then, yeah, the initial overload of the biggest screen in the solar system and the volume, I think a bit of my brain had to die for me to then adjust enough to comfortably get through the next three and a half hours. Could you just feel like a chunk of your memories going away, like a bit falling off an iceberg? You know, like... Yeah, yeah, it was just a slipped away to be gone forever.

Well, you had to sacrifice memories to encompass experience. I think so. And then it was quite hard work, and I found myself a little bit, I will admit, in the first half or not. I think I'm a bloody Henry. Ben, I don't know. Really? Wait for it to arrive.

I could be doing anything with three and a half hours. Like, I'm never going to get this time back. In fact, I feel like I'm a blue alien trying to live my life, and Ben and Henry are the mechanized colonists who come in and actually started telling me what to do. Actually, I've taught myself into empathizing with the films quite good concepts. And then I will admit, there came a point where I did find things quite hard to follow, because, and you had mentioned this, you hadn't warned me about this,

because it was apparent that the aliens have all got tattoos. Oh, I forgot about that. I don't remember that. They're into... They've got jobs and tattoos. Tattooed whales. They've all got jobs. They've got jobs and hobbies that they pursue to excellence.

And they've got tattoos. Yeah, I forgot. They do have tattoos. Yeah, I forgot, but there's never really talks about what that... No, you never see a way, you never see the alien getting a tattoo when they arrive in from their big journey. None of them are like flopping on the beach. I don't know who's doing the tattoos.

I don't know if it's other aliens or if it's the... You don't see an alien tattoo parlor, do you? Or if it's the sea people doing the tattoos. I think you're not supposed to go swimming for a little bit after you've had a tattoo as well. So as a alien, as a water-based animal, that's going to be tricky. It's complicated. That was immensely distracting. So what's your overall review of the movie?

Well, my overwhelming feeling as I emerged from it was one of regret, one of time lost, never to be retrieved. One of looking for a paracetamol? Were you thinking, I could have been sat in a cafe thinking about how my hotel... It's actually cheap. I could have been thinking about that for three hours. It's actually cheaper, which is extraordinary when you think about it. And I was trying to think about that while I was in the cinema,

but the noise is so intense. Keep getting battered by sort of 3D enemies that you can't. It's a movie that insists that you watch it. If you watch it in 3D, you can't go off on a little daydream. It's not like watching a Remains of the Day or something where you can shout at it. You can secretly have a little think about what you might do in May after... No, it's just watch me. Watch me.

Watch me. Watch me. Hello. Hello. Now look. And it's got sort of shaking, sort of luminescent creatures wiggling about in your face, constantly keeping you awake. That's exactly right.

It's also, I felt like I'd seen about 18 films in one film. There's at least 12 coming-of-age stories that will have been enough for one film in it. Yeah, that's very true. There's quite a few fish out of waters, a few odd couples going on. There's also a sort of dancing with wolves, but the next stage, these led to dance with wolves, and now it's dances with wolves, dances with buffalo or something. Slow dance with wolves. It does feel a bit like they've taken all the kind of screenwriting books

of myth about storytelling and sort of mythic stories and just put them in, put it in a blender or whatever, isn't it? There's just so many mythological stories. There's probably like Jonah in the whale going on in there. There's like Humpty Dumpty. You know what I mean? They're all in there. Too much.

And you're right, Mike. That's why I think I thought of it as like the best, maybe the best two-star film I've ever seen because, and also I didn't leave, I didn't leave. I didn't go for, go to the Lou or anything, which is quite unusual for me for three and a quarter hour film. I think it's because, as you say, you don't actually, you don't quite get bored. Yeah.

But in the same way that if you were to get slapped, but if I was to slap you, Mike, for three hours, just slightly harder and harder each time, slap, slap in the face, one of the nose, one of the chest, or tweak the nipple, or one of the bump, or, and I'm screaming at you, and I've got a broken, a broken chopstick in half, and I'm jabbing you and jabbing you in the ribs,

and I'm going, ooh, ooh, and I've got a frog. I've got a frog. I'm picking a frog anyway. If you want to talk to the frog, no. Now I've got an old fashioned, one of those bendy rulers from school. I slapped you on the top of the head. I slapped you on the head. Oh, I've got a toothpaste now.

I've got a toothpaste, I've got toothpaste, I've got any trousers. I've got a wrap, bring a ferret around your throat. Oh, I've got Alan Yentob in here. He's playing the cymbals. Like, shh, Alan Yentob, shh, shh, shh. Another slap, slap, slap. It's like that. So it's like, and if I was to do that kind of thing

for three hours to you. With an end seed introduction at the beginning. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With an end seed introduction at the beginning. So you know where the fire exits are. At the end of that experience, when you were describing it to the police, you wouldn't say you were bored.

So that'd be one of the things that hadn't happened. And they might not believe me. They certainly wouldn't believe me that there was a five-year-old child witnessing all of this as well. You know, they'd just assumed that was an average memory. Well, I feel a bit guilty now that we sort of ruined Mike's afternoon. I feel like me and Henry need to ruin

one of our afternoons in penance. Yeah, sorry, Mike. No, the thing that was good about, I think to say the good thing about it is that, because I went through a bit of an emotional journey in that theatre. But when I came out, I felt that rare feeling that I had fulfilled my duty in a way that was complete.

Yeah. It was a form of military service, almost. And you bellowed into the skies, didn't you? The circle is closed! Yeah, and some people misunderstood, and some people then turned away from the cinemas. They weren't allowed to get in, and they were trying to get refunds.

And it was a big old complicated bit of a hoosar. Also, a lot of people assumed you were just referring to the Zorb you were getting into at the time. As you were zipping the Zorb closed above your head. I don't know if I've ever been to the OMAX, because I think I assume it'll be too overwhelming and I won't enjoy it. But is that correct?

Yeah, that is correct. In January's first few minutes, I genuinely thought, how the bloody hell am I going to manage this? And I thought, is that just because I'm in the front row? Yes. And just a dreamt of being at the back. The front row was an absolute,

it was a proper sort of foghorn blast. Yeah, but I'm a provincial middle-aged man. I don't need surround sound. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hit my bloody walking boots? Darling, have you been relabeling my paraffin and white spirit bottles? It just skates on kids,

otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information, darling. Don't need surround sound. Don't want it. I want to know where the sound is coming from, right?

I don't want to feel like the sound from the telly is coming from behind my left ear. I want to look at the telly and know, no. In real life, sound doesn't come from surrounds, does it? Someone's talking to you, the sound's coming out of their mouth. It's not coming from all around you. Yes, very uneasy about that.

It's just silly old me. But if I want an all-encompassing, immersive experience, I'll actually just, maybe it's silly, but I'll just go to the National Gallery and I'll sit in front of one painting for up to five hours. And that's just something that I do. And for me, that's the true, I mean... Well, you'll just ease a little wooden rowing boat

out into Lake Windermere. Just put a nose in a smelly old book, won't you? Just put your nose in some Keats. Put my nose deep in some Keats. Let's make a resolution that we'll never mention the Avatar movie ever again. Yeah, I think that's right. And obviously, we do value,

we just want to say thanks to the guys at Chattatart. We do value the collaboration. I don't know why you didn't call it Ava Chat. Or Banthachar. There were so many other ways they could have gone, couldn't they? Ava Bantar. Ava Bantar, yeah. But I think we should make this a hard rule

that if any of us mentions the Avatar universe from now on, we just have to stop the podcast there and then. Even if we're like five minutes in, that's it. All this talking about avatars made me think that... I wouldn't mind just feeling my imagination being transported and stimulated. That's probably... That's just a silly thing.

I think I'll probably end up just hiking up. Well, sort of hiking my way down to the tube. Achieving it to Hampstead Heath. I'm probably just whacking my headphones on and just listening to a great fugue. And in a way, for me, that is the exploration of the imagination. It's actually just letting... That's silly, but actually letting myself imagine those things.

That's quite just silly because it's better to have those things just served up for you, isn't it? By someone else, but that's just the way I do it. Time for your emails. That came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit.

When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shoeing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. We've got an email from Harley. Oh, this is Harley, not Harvey. Yeah, so last week, I said that we had something

out of the boom machine that's sent in by someone called Harvey. Send that it's be sent in by Harley. So, sorry, Harley. But you've already tackled the pre-Bollocking online, haven't you? I accepted the Bollocking over Twitter, yes. But I feel like you have to do it over the audio medium to get the full penance. Bollocking accepted.

Jacob emails, dear beings, as I imagine is the case with most listeners, I often use the Thatcher chill zone as a relaxing sleep aid. We should probably, for listeners who haven't heard that, in an early series, I can't remember quite why, but we ended up making a Margaret Thatcher themed sleep audio tape that uses relaxing music and the speeches of Margaret Thatcher to send you off to sleep.

I can't remember why. Don't pull on that thread. The Thatcher chill zone. He says, when sharing, always in the sleep episode, he says, when sharing the sleep episode of your podcast with my brother, Jim, I told Spotify to start the program from the aforementioned Thatcher chill zone, which in doing so seems to inadvertently introduce a bug into Spotify.

Now, every time I start any song or podcast on Spotify, it plays the Thatcher chill zone instead. And that's for life as well. I have tried restarting the app and even running it on my laptop. However, the end result is always the same. Jacob, you're going to have to go, yeah, you're going to have to get off grid

and go back to the old C90s, it sounds like. He writes, at first, I found this humorous. However, I'm now beginning to get increasingly concerned that this may be the work of Spurbs. Spurbs, the first time we've heard that name in a while, isn't it? Yeah, but we've not heard from Spurbs for a while. Spurbs, yeah, maybe he's gone sort of deep, deep dark web. Yeah, and maybe he's gone out into the listenership more,

you know, plaguing them more than us. Well, he's become an idea, hasn't he? Rather than a, so that's what he always wanted. Well, that's the trouble as soon as you think that Spurbs might be behind something, then. He already is. He writes, I feel like I could end up in a 2001 space odyssey type situation with Spurbs taking over all the electronic devices in my house

and monitoring my every move. My initial plan was to destroy all my gadgets and burn my house to the ground. Good idea. However, I'm not sure this course of action goes far enough. Please advise ASAP. Yours, a very concerned Jake. Jake, get yourself to the Yukon, mate.

This is a Canada situation, isn't it? Yukon, all the Northwestern territories, you've got to get as far away as you possibly can. And you've got to learn some new skills. You're going to have to learn trapping. You're going to have to learn ice fishing. It's the only answer. This afternoon, you're going to have to use Amazon

for the last time in your life. And what I suggest that you order from Amazon is a small wooden hut to be delivered to Canada. Complete with gutting material. You have to get very into gutting. You're going to have to use every part of a trout, isn't it? That's something you're going to have to learn to do. Is that you can eat the flesh.

You keep the bones to make arrowheads. You take the eyes to make sunglasses. You just gently smoke the eyes of the trout and put them on sticks. I was listening to something the other day that said that in some parts of the Northwestern territories, they used the skin of the fish to create old, used to use them to make windows, translucent windows.

You're going to be looking at the world through fish skin windows. And they would use the fish anus as a peephole because otherwise it would rip if you made your own hole in it. Is that true? I saw I was listening here. It was true, according to Oman on a podcast. But it will lead to a decent book, I imagine. Oh, eventually.

Called something like Life Through a Fish Sanus. Yeah. My Adventures in the Yukon, that kind of thing. Yeah. Good luck with that. How about I select Jacob? Good luck. This is from Mike.

He writes, Hello. After listening to your recent podcast where you discussed the link between John Grisham and airports, our senses were heightened to this phenomenon. On the plane to our winter sun holiday, we spotted someone going into the toilet with a John Grisham novel.

This spawned the secret code phrase for the necessary absences of going for a full Grisham. Very good. Yeah. I thought you'd like to know. I'd like to know. So thank you, Mike. So I like that very much.

Are they saying that going for a full Grisham means going to the toilet? Is that the thing? That's the phrase they... I think full Grisham is probably the number K, right? Yeah. Yeah. If you're just going for a Grisham blurb,

just going for a Grisham blurb or something. Which is the same. That's the only authorizing, but all the blurbs are exactly the same. Yeah. Exactly. This is a book by John Grisham. Um, if you're...

Soul. If you're a Grisham reader, this bit on the back is going to make no difference, because you're already signed up to Grisham, so just get on with it. Here's a picture of a smoking gun or something. Or a smoking affidavit. Or a smoking affidavit.

But actually going for... Someone reading in an airport is quite... That seems quite cavalier to me. To me, that's in an airport loo. It's not clear to me whether it's the airport or the plane. Either way, it's brassy, isn't it? Because plane loos generally have a bit of a queue. So the idea of someone going in ahead of you with a book.

That's not really on, is it? And if it's in the airport, to me that's the classic behavior of someone that thinks they've got a... They've actually got... Traffic was fine in the end. So we've actually got about an hour and a half until the gate's even announced. And they've got...

They've got arrogant... They're dancing a dangerous dance, in my view. You know, have they checked how long the walk... Estimated walk time is to that gate? Do they know... Even which gate? Which gate? Yeah.

Correct. Crazy. Crazy. Because you're going to be in that chump who's running down the halls. He doesn't know... He doesn't have all that stuff recorded. There's not all the different gate distances.

Mike, you've got all that stuff written down. You've got all that stuff in a fold, in a laminated file, haven't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I take with me everywhere I go, just in case I need to catch a flight somewhere at some point. Short notice, which I never do. You also got a laminated cushion, which you can take into any public toilet and use with impunity.

You can read it in a vomit fleck-zorb. You can read it at the bottom of the ocean. You can read that anywhere. When I turned 40 and they gave me my wipe-clean cushion, I've never been happy. Yeah. You know, I felt seen. Oh, I was fine when I'm in the airport.

My gate will be like... You know, it's gate 37. And I'll be like... Okay, and I've got half an hour. I should be all right. I'll buy some miniature creams. I'll buy some miniature cream bottles in the boots. Selection of different skin creams?

All the creams? All the creams. Just any cream creams? Anything creams? A lot of creams. In a mini bottle. Mm-hmm. And...

Yeah, yeah. Pick up a paper, whatever. Get a Pratt & Mongey. Get a high-end watch. Maybe a high-end watch. Put yourself in a raffle for Ernest and Martin. Maybe drop £650 on some luggage. The assumption being that I've come to this airport

with all my clothes and stuff just in my arms. Maybe I'll do that. Yes, maybe I'll buy a life-changingly expensive object. You know, like, maybe I'll buy the most expensive. Who's buying like a Rolex when they're waiting for a plane in Stam said airport? It's not going to happen. An object that's going to change my life a bit.

But you know, an important object, a legacy object, an object that's going to be in my family for generations. I'll just quickly get it because I've got enough time, actually, because I can get my shower gels. I've got enough time and pop the shower gels, get a coffee. And buy this life-changing legacy watch, which will be a symbol throughout the generations

of my family of time and love and meaning. And you'll be able to tell the story of where you got it next to the Tyraq Gatwick. Yeah, so I'll be in that situation, and I think I've left enough time for the gate. I know I've got to find the gate 37. All I need to do is just look at the sign. Okay, so we've got, brilliant.

Gate, so I'm gate 37. Great, so gates one to 36 are that way, which means if I look at this sign on my right, I'll see that gates 38 to 107 are that way. And my gate just doesn't, it's between the signs. It's falling between, it doesn't have a, I've got the one gate that just doesn't have its moment. It's falling between two sides.

Do you know what I mean? It's always that's my gate. Well, I have a similar experience, which is always, oh, I'll see where my gate is. Oh, it's number 29. Okay, well, one to 28, you just walk over there, and then 29, you have to get on a monorail. What?

And then suddenly I thought I had time, but actually I've got to take a 20-minute monorail trip somewhere else. Just give me the information then. Turns out gate 29 is the only gate that you actually have to fly to. It's got its own airport. You have to have bought your,

you've not bought your gate 29 air ticket already. You have to have bought that in advance. You have got your gate 29 visa, haven't you? Because you would have needed that. Because it's very, very tricky at gate 29 at the moment. So you need to apply for that three months ago. Have an interview at the embassy. You've got your yellow fever jab, right?

Because the yellow fever is right for gate 29. He's crawling with it in gate 29. And I tell you what, the toilets there are very, very weird. It's a different way. I personally, I wouldn't actually, I wouldn't go. But actually it's actually, the home office, I think is advising that there's actually a war going on in gate 29.

It's not technically supposed to, it's a sort of coup. Your travel insurance will be null and void if you step into gate 29, I'm afraid. Well, yes, thank you everyone who sent us emails this series. This is the end of the series, pretty much. So do send emails in the meanwhile though, because it'll give us something to talk about when we come back. Now, if you feel you didn't get quite enough avatar to chat,

and you probably have, but if you don't, if you feel otherwise, there is more or there will be more in our bonus episode. If you sign up on Patreon, we put out a monthly bonus episode made up of extra bits that we don't put out on these episodes. And to do that, go to patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. There are other tiers, there's the tier that gets you no adverts. There's the Sean Bean tier, which gets you a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge

where Mike was last night. Certainly was, for the last time this series, no less. A lot of tearful goodbyes to the regulars, I mean. It was emotional, but we had a good time, nonetheless, because of course it was. It was the inflatable speedboat race, wasn't it? It was the inflatable speedboat race. You flooded the entire place, I think.

We did, yeah, a considerable expense. So yeah, the big, big cleanup job underway at the moment. But in the meantime, as for last night, here's my report. It was the inflatable speedboat race last night at the freshly flooded Sean Bean lounge. Jason Fried Bunny Ray's freshwater flooding petition and Nia Cohen's saltwater march had both attained poor numbers. And the nature of the floodwater itself looked likely to spark trouble

until Ria stepped in with leadership, diplomacy, and 4 million tins of tuna in brine and suggested a perfect briny halfway house. Daniel Rigby kicked off proceedings with an inflatable torpedo boat tied into the shape of a three-legged crown-wearing balloon poodle. But a slow puncture in the left hind knee caused it to weave off course at the third furlong

and capsized Tom Longfield's inflatable car ferry. Joe's blow-up Concorde Coracle would have broken a brine speed record were it not for the inflatable cables of Lena Shepha's floating bridge which sliced it and Joe to ribbons. Jeff Allen's supersonic gas bag gondola was neck and neck with Sarah King's Aqua Zeppelin-style arc until she jettisoned the ungulates and accelerated through the finish line for a comfortable gold.

The record should also show that Hopex Lilo Tanka was shredded in the gauntlet of hot barbs. James Davies' lung pedalo was declared unsafe to inflate outside of a hyperbaric chamber. Caitlyn's Formula One plug-in automatic inflation hydrofoil Catamaran Galleon was just a drawing and William Reed's experimental arse-interflated super yacht dissolved. Thanks all.

Okay, that's the podcast and to play us out, a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you, the listeners, and this is from Peter, who's from a bit south of Bremen. Thank you, Peter. Thanks, Peter. He says, I thought you might enjoy the theme tune in a 1970s New York minimalist style,

in the style of Steve Reich. Oh, yeah. I don't know what that means. Oh, it's very much. Yeah, it's... No, I can handle it. It's great stuff. It's sort of...

Are you guys going to see a big action film or whatever or thriller or whatever for me? It's my little silly version of that. It's just, yeah, I'll listen to Steve Reich's symphony or maybe just think about Steve Reich. That's how I get off. What he says, perhaps, enjoy is the wrong word. Well, some people don't.

For some reason, I'm stupid, I suppose. I enjoy minimalist music and Philip Glass, Steve Reich. Most people find it really boring and stuff. But for some stupid reason, a silly old may, I just love it and really enjoy it. And actually understand it. Actually understand it. But I suppose it's just silly reference.

I just like being challenged and things like that. Okay. Well, we'll see you in the month of March. Indeed. Thank you, Peter. And thank you, everyone, for listening. Until then. Cheerios.

Goodbye.