Three Bean Salad - Bean Tasting Menu - Highlights Of Series One

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

Series two starts next week, but before that, here's a little bean tasting menu of the Beans' favourite bits from series one. The idea is that this might make be a good episode for confirmed Beanheads to point non-Beanheads in the direction of. Why not send it to a friend? Or a sibling? Or basically anyone whose email address you have. Even if that's the customer service email address for your energy supplier. It could be just what they need.

Hello, this is Three Beans Salads. I'm Mike. I'm Henry. And I'm Benjamin. And we have this podcast. And what we're going to give to you is a bean tasting menu with little chunks of bits of bean from the first series. So you can get a bit of an idea whether it's up your street or not up your street. Yes. And if you're already a bean listener, we thought that this might be a good episode that you could send to a friend or recommend to someone else and say why not try this one? It's a best of. We're going to call it the best of series one. Felt quite grandiose. Yeah. Yeah. So we thought that was a bit grandiose. So instead we went with the tasting menu method. Yeah, exactly. To suggest that we're like

a fine mission style restaurant. I would say we are of that quality. Am I banging up my drum bits you hard there to say that way? I think you're supposed to bang your trumpet or whatever it is from time to time when you've got podcasts. Anyway, you know, here it is. And if you hate this, then I think you will absolutely load the podcast because these are the best bits. If you absolutely hate this, I think it'd be dangerous for you to listen to the podcast because you'd be incensed if you listen to the rest of it. Please, please don't listen to the podcast if you hate this. If you dislike it, probably give it a miss. Oh, no. Oh, okay. Because these are specifically chosen to be hopefully

the more bearable chunks, right? So I think if you, it's very unlikely if you're, if you dislike it or if you're ambivalent to it, that it's going to be for you. But yeah, I mean, people can change. People can change. People can change. That's a good point. You might, even if you do dislike it, maybe you should start listening to the podcast anyway. And then during the course of listening to that first season, maybe you'll change. And by the end, you'll have to be liking it. And maybe you're all the problem. I mean, I don't want to get judgy or anything now because I don't know who you are, but it sounds to me like it may be you aren't. No, we don't want to be judgy because it's horses for courses, isn't it? It is horses

for courses, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a horse that's a dickhead. And I suspect the people that would not want to listen to this podcast have probably already turned off this promotional recording. They've already got it. But if you're still here, then it might be that you're going to be one of our new friends. Listeners. Listeners. And shortly to be clients because we are monetizing this process soon. And it's going to be all change. There's going to be paywalls. There's going to be corporate tie-ins. There's going to be blackmailing. There's going to be blackmailing extortion. It's going to be a lot of cloak and dagger stuff. There's going to be paywalls behind paywalls.

There'll be a payball. You can get trapped where you're actually literally surrounded, but you can barely move without paying. There's going to be service charges. There's going to be unforeseen fines. There'll be self taxes. Doubling ground rents. Interest. Ground rents. Hidden fines. And blood money. There'll be blood money. You'll get a call in the middle of the night. It'll be a three-bean help desk asking you for your bank details so that we can refund you

for episode four. That sort of thing will be happening. And if you're thinking, this sounds like a bit much. I don't want to get involved in this. Sorry, it's too late. You've already listened to enough of this podcast that you entered the fee system. We have all of your data. Yeah. And again, we will bleed your assets dry. That's always been the game plan. It's not about because, okay, there's three models of capitalism, right? As you buy a product, that was the one which lasted up until the late 90s. Since then, it's you subscribe to a service. Yeah, that's the new one.

But the third one is you're just getting your assets blood dry. You're not getting anything fat. You're just having your assets bled. And that's what we're aiming to bring in. And you don't even know it's happening until it's far too late. It's a slow, steady drip of your assets. And if you're in the Gulf of Persia, you should be careful because we are also doing a little bit of piracy out there as well. In between. We need just to keep the cash loan, petty cash and so on stocked up. We will be Yeah, have to do some hijacking.

Great. Well, with that in mind, here's some clips. They're kind of our favorite bits from series one. It gives you a sense of what the podcast is like. If you're a pre-existing bean head, why not send it to a friend? And season two starts next week. See you then. Bye. Bye. Will Beezer emails and says, You asked at the end of the first podcast whether anyone had been attacked by a rear. I can't say that I have, but I was attacked by a swan. It's my earliest memory.

I was at Slimbridge Wetlands when I was about three or four with my nan feeding the swans some bread. And after I ran out of bread, I started throwing little stones at them with the same sort of bread scattering technique, thinking that the swans ate anything breadcrumbs sized. The swans became violent naturally. And I recall my nan staving off a group of about five or eight swans by wielding her handbag and swinging it wildly around her head like a flail. So she went full berserker. Good old man. And let's hope that she made it, right? I'm assuming that they all made it out of that. Yeah, he doesn't say whether she made it. She may have been that thing where she goes,

you just save yourself. Leave me here. Just go. I'll slow them down. But never forget this moment. I know you're only three. Just go. Just make sure this is your first memory. Try and make sure this and also try and remember the name of the wetland centre. It's very important. It really attached to your anecdote. I know you're only three. You haven't got a concept of a wetland centre. For you, the world is just a bunch of, you know, pictures and things that just, you know, he stands out. The world is just a series of sizes, basically. You just throw,

all you throw at a different size thing. You're the only thing you're really aware of. It's size difference. But try, if you can, to remember the name of the wetland centre. Go, go. Go now! Oh, God, they're on me. Actually finally pulls the pin from the grenade. She's been keeping in a handbag all along. Eat this. Eat this, you Queens bitch.

And then what happens? There's a great one second after she says that, isn't it? Eat this, yeah. Was it your queen? Your queen's bitch pulls it and there's one second where everyone looks at each other. The swans look at each other. She looks at the swans. Nothing they can do. The swans look at her. Yeah. We own of the wetland centre. He shuts up. He puts the blinds down on the ice cream. He's got time to do that, but otherwise, otherwise he's not. He jumps into the swan-shaped pedalo to try to make his escape,

but he knows he hasn't got time. He wants to create a sort of Viking burial for himself on the pedalo. As a flaming swan shoots like a flaming arrow across the sky and lands in a prow, sets him alight. Well, I'm sorry. I mean, Will obviously got in contact. What's happened? He sent us a nice story. You've slightly slagged off his anecdote technique by sort of slagging off the fact that he included the name of the wetland centre, which I thought was just a nice detail. That was a rock solid anecdote technique, I think. And then you've sort of hypothesized that maybe his nan died in a kind of flaming fall of swans.

Which if that was true, a little tip for him is he's left out the probably the most part of the anecdote, which is not so much that the swans attacked him, but the sort of massive flaming ball of nan. I mean, it's perfectly possible that if this happened, as he said, he doesn't actually know what happened to his nan. All he knows is she said, go without me. And he's never, he's never thought to broach that in his head because he doesn't want to go there. He doesn't want to imagine what happened, but you've now filled in that gap and colored it in in allure detail. And he might go back to the, he might now for the first time feel ready to go back to that wetland centre. And then discover that actually, that she didn't blow them up

or herself, but actually she went to live among them. And she's been there ever since. Yeah. Nan? Nan? Well, it's a great first memory though. My first memory, weirdly, is also at Slimbridge Wetland Centre. Really? Really? Was it of an old lady blowing up five swans? You might be quite a lot of people's first memory. And last. No, mine's very boring. It's just, there's like a, there was a bit inside where there was a fake kind of swan house you could go inside and you could then sit on the swan eggs they'd made big. There was a big swan eggs that you could sit on.

I very, I very vividly remember this. They were quite smelly. And it was quite, there was like sort of hay in there. It was all quite shit and old. And that's my first memory. You sat on an actual swan egg? No, it was like a big fiberglass swan egg. Oh, that's your fake swan egg? Yeah. Did you have to dress up as a swan? Or are you trying to experiment what it would be like to sit on a? Yeah, I don't, I don't have to dress up. I think they were just trying to give you the, give you the general feel of it. Just imagine a three year old me sort of grappling on a big egg. I think it's a very weird thing to offer children to do to sit on a swan egg. And imagine you're,

imagine you're a swan who's got, who's had given birth to some eggs and is, and is keeping them warm. I don't know, but the stuff they go for, man, do you know what I mean? I think it's like magic roundabout. I'm sure people when they first pitched that would have been like, this is absolute nonsense. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. But the stuff, the stuff, the small ones in particular, that they genuinely go for, I could imagine that could be the sort of thing that makes no sense to an adult at all. But they're like, yeah, I want to, I want to slip off the massive egg again. My elbow, please. I'll tell you what, I'd be so pissed off if I worked in that, um, Slimbridge, um,

Wetland Center, Swan's entry, Wetland Center. If I was working on the staff there and the ideas meeting, and I would have pitched, I think something in the hot pitching room, yeah. In the hot pitching room. I reckon, you know, I've, I've, look, I've taken interest in, in film, you know, I'd have come up with some good ideas and some, some bloke could pitch that idea of sitting on the swan egg. With a reeking hangover. You know, that guy would have been absolutely, yeah, still half cut, dressed in yesterday's clothes, bacon dangling off his face. And I'd have been so confident that idea was bad that I would actually have openly slagged it off in front of the other, um, executives.

Little did you know, they'd already commissioned the fiberglass eggs. And I would have been so annoyed to see the kids lining up and really enjoying it. While my Blade Runner meets Swan experience, right. Which has decimated the budget for the next decade. Meaning the swans are on quarter rations. Imagine it. It's a, it's a dystopian world. Which are the real swans and which are the cyber swans? So hard to tell because the level of robot technology has got so good in the future. And you go into a small suite where there's a, there's a, there's a Robo Swan who's doing

a monologue about some of the really amazing ponds he's seen that humans can't even imagine. Exactly. And there's a sexy hologram ad for a swan escort. Yeah, being, um, being sort of projected. And everyone's eating noodles. Is there a bit in Blade Runner where someone makes an origami swan? Oh yeah, good point. And that would, that would, that would come up in the meeting though, wouldn't it? They'd be like, that's where you got the idea from, Henry.

Yeah, exactly. And as soon as someone says that, I'll be like, yeah, well, see it all adds up. And at that point, everyone in the room would be so excited. They'd be like, fuck it. Okay. It doesn't matter about, it doesn't matter about the canteen. We're, we're putting all the budget into this. People can bring their own lunch. We're putting all the budget into the Blade Runner swan experience. Yeah. Meanwhile, Dave, your egg thing, I mean, if you can find some stuff to make it fine, there's no money in it. I mean, you can use that space over there with a stinky bit with a hay, but you know, you know, fast forward 18 months.

Yeah. Both things are now open. The queues are around the block for the swan eggs. We've got, we've, we've got, we know what it is. Henry, Henry turns up at work and there's, they're queuing round, they're queuing out beside the wetland centre. He's like, oh my God, words got round and then he goes through. I'll be, I'll be thinking, thank, thank God we got through those teething problems with the hover. And all the deaths. The three workers who died. Thank God it's not in vain.

Yeah. Thank God we found the extra investment from Saudi Arabia for the 3,000 pound a day electricity bill that it takes. Never mind that it's, it's now owned by, by a corrupt oil shake. Still working. Okay. It's worth it because the people are turning up. The children. Getting people excited about swan and that's what it was all about. In the meeting with the oil shake, you had to eat a swan. That was the, the, the calling.

To prove that I was serious. And you know they were secretly filming it at the time. They've got you by the balls and then you finally step into the wetland centre. Yeah. And what do you see? Little Ben Partridge, three years old, slipping and sliding. Slipping and sliding in the, the turnstiles for the Blade Runner experience are already beginning to rust. Yeah. They've rusted on the same day. Yeah. We're only an hour in.

They've rusted old crows and ravens are perching on, on bits of it. Yeah. On bits of the set. Yeah. You get to the office and on your desk is a letter with a season stairs from Ridley Scott. It's the one thing you forgot to do. You even wrote the letter and put a stamp on the envelope. You just forgot to post that bloody letter to Ridley Scott. Because he didn't know what his postcode was.

And the final, and the final insult is you go downstairs again. I've got off the little leg. I'm going home. I'm happy. You look in the little swan house and Ridley Scott's on the egg. Yeah. And he's just slipping off the egg going, Henry, where's my money? Where's my money, Henry? Because as soon as you pay it up, I'm investing everything into the film of sitting on the swan egg experience,

which is going to star Russell Crow playing three different characters to swan the child and the mother. I forgot to mention the egg using CG technology. CG egg. He's not going to use a real big egg. It's not going to be in camera. He's going to use a CG egg. Yeah. It's never been done before, Henry. Oh yeah. And then he'll go, but Henry, just give me a bit of hope. He'll go, but Henry, you know what? We might use the set actually

from your swan blade runner experience and I'll be like, oh yeah. And I'll be like, yeah. For firewood. To create energy for the catering truck. You know what? There's actually been some Rome news. Since we recorded that. Yeah. They're doing something at the Coliseum way. They're bringing back gladiators.

It's going to be huge. It's that thing about politics becoming more populist. I think that's, it was always heading that way. It's now, it's always what the people want. That's actually what they want as it turns out. It's genuinely what people want. Entry towards slowly. Yeah. Watching a local councillor getting ripped apart by a tiger.

Exactly. What are they actually doing in the Coliseum, Henry? No, it's something like that. But it's something like you can, you're going to be able to know what it was like to be a gladiator by standing, as it was standing on a special platform or something. They've built a special platform or something. Oh yeah. And then Russell Crowe comes out and beats you across the head with a stick.

Beats you to the self. Is it, there's a gladiator experience where you get to feel what it was like to be a, I assume it was to be a gladiator or possibly to have worked on a film gladiator. One with the other. So you, you special, you stand on a special platform, you put a VR headset on. Yeah. And then an animated. Is it Russell Crowe's Winnebago?

Character tells you to go and bring a bacon panini to Russell Crowe and look sharp about it and make sure it doesn't get cold. Where's my panini? You hear that from far left, really visceral experience. Will you get the right panini in our interactive Russell Crowe panini challenge? Don't make him angry. Experience the difficulties they had getting the light right on certain days in our join the cameraman experience.

Oh, this intermittent cloud passing overhead. What are they going to do? Listen, mate, if we don't get the right fucking angles, I'm going to fucking kill the Lord of India. That's why I simply shouldn't have even fucking green screen fucking plans. And where's my fucking panini? Put on our special gladiator outfit with a sort of scabbard for the panini. But that's what Russell Crowe insisted that his runner on that was dressed as a gladiator

with like five scabbards, each of which are different panini flavor. In a sort of thermos, thermos technology, panini scabbards. Exactly. Kept it piping hot. Got me popping hot all day, mate. Yeah, you don't understand what actors have to go through. Do you want Mr. Crowe to? I want a fucking salami panini now.

Do you want me to make your panini later on for when you want it later on? No, just get out of your fucking scabbard. Why do you think I'll have the fucking scabbard designed for you, mate? I'm afraid we're out of salami. Would you mind if there's a prosciutto panini? That's in your quiver. You got a fucking salami quiver on your back, mate. Yeah?

You got salami. Listen, mate, how many times do I have to explain this to you, right? The salamis are in the quiver. The paninis are in the scabbards, yeah? It's not rocket science, mate. It was actually just a coincidence as well. In every film he filmed previous to gladiators. He had a runner dressed as a gladiator with scabbards full of paninis.

It just happened to... Yep. It just happened to seem more... The clock struck twice. He actually had a bit of a crisis of confidence about it, and he talked to his agent about that, like, this is the first time, mate. I'm just a little bit worried because, you know,

you know how I always have a runner dressed as a gladiator? Of course, Russell, yeah. Yeah, you do get through, Russell. I don't tend to last, but yeah, carry on anyway, yeah? And then after six months, I've murdered them. Well, that was fine on LA Confidential, right? It was fine on all my previous films. It was fine on the one where Blair Skinhead, LA Confidential, yeah?

Well, I'm just worried with gladiator, right? It's just a bit weird. Yeah, people are going to think it's a bit weird because the film actually is about a gladiator. Right. Sorry, I've got a couple of olives in my throat, mate. They're all there. It's the breakfast.

They've come from his breakfast slingshot. He's just slung them in. He's slung them in a bit hard. He went down the wrong way. What do you mean? He does love... Yeah, and anyway, yeah, so... But anyway, listen, as long as I've got a hot boiled egg in a trebuchet lined up,

ready to go five a.m. every day, I should be fine. You know the scene I like in those films? It's the scene the night before they're about to go in the spaceship and they have a nice barbecue with their family in a kind of florid sort of holiday home where they've all been moved to. Yeah, and they have a little beer and they look up at the stars and obviously there's a cloud of sky which they look up into. And it's just the best scene.

They look at a giant asteroid that's hurtling towards them. We'll be having ribs on that s-drive. Save some gold slot for me. It's time for the ultimate barbecue. Well, that's the guy... The one who's going to die always says that, doesn't he? He'll say. He'll have a monologue about...

I'll tell you what, he'll go. Yeah, I'll tell you what, Susan. I'll be seeing you on April the 23rd. Oh, it's that voice again. That's bad. I'll be seeing you on April... He sounds like he's coming down with something. Probably shouldn't go.

And I can't wait to watch our son, Robert, grow old. Not Robert, but Rubbert. It's a hyphenated name. Two grandfathers, Rob and Bert. Good old Robbert. Oh, I love you, Robbert. Be good to your mother, Robbert. We didn't know whether to name him Rob or Bert,

so we split the difference. And we called him young Robbert. I want to watch Robbert grow old and... And play mini-league. Mini-league and play. On the 4th of July, when Cooker's first pecan pie. Oh.

And make pecan pie and pumpkin pie. Oh, pecan pie. Like his namesake, Rob. He'll combine the pies. Like we combine the grandparent fathers in his name. I want to watch him make love to his wife. I want to watch everything in his life. I'm going to invest in technologies and things that I can monitor him.

I've already scoped out a nice home he could settle into with secret passages around the bedroom bathroom. Basically, it's essentially... Well, it's one-way glass tubes. I watch everything. And then I want to watch him die. I just want to watch everything. I don't want to miss a thing.

Take it away, Steve Tyler. I've got a cable here, which is on death's door, right? Yeah. It's literally hanging by a thread. Didn't that... Isn't that new with the new microphone, though? Why is that? This isn't new microphone, mate. Isn't it?

I've been using this Yeti for donkey's ears. Yeah. Have you? Yeah. Why? Whatever for? Well, do you think this is a new... I assume there's a pandemic microphone.

I assume everyone's got microphones and puppies in the pandemic, and that's... No, it's actually... I got it ages ago. What have you been recording on it, Henry? KFC, mate. Did you get the KFC gig? KFC went through this. I got the KFC gig, yeah. Did you, sweet?

Did you? Yeah. Hello, kids. I'm the colonel. Welcome. Are you sure it was actually KFC on the other end of emails? Not some kind of fetishist. Yeah, all I had to do was cover myself in a special mixture they sent me in the post.

And take a lot of photos. No, I did get the KFC gig, and it all got recorded through this, baby. What was that for? Like radio spots or TV or...? TV. No, it's not mega-massive, but it was good. But it was... Yeah, it's not a big thing, really.

Do you know what I mean? It's a springboard, isn't it, really? Yeah. These things are always a springboard. It's a stepping stone. Have you got the kind of contract for it? If you now said anything negative about KFC on this podcast, people would turn up at your house and...

Ops, tell your clothes off. Or chicken in any way, shape or form. That's where tarring and feathering comes from, isn't it? It's from people who've besmirched. Besmirched the colonel. It's the chicken that feeds them. Yeah. No, I just think they're great.

Just a great bar with loads of uses. They're economical, they're safe, they're clean. Friable. They're friable. And you get different things out of them. Food, clothes. Giblets. Giblets.

Lever. Yeah, my chicken leather driving gloves always turn heads, I find it. On the A303. Well, they're so hard wearing, aren't they? Because they've... And did you keep the talons? Because if you keep the talons on them... Only on the left hand side.

Excellent purchase on the gear stick. Exactly. They said it couldn't be done, but I've recently purchased a pair of chicken leather trousers. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, you must never wash them apparently. That's what I went wrong with my chicken leather. I mean, is that right?

Chaps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely ruined them. Yeah, just wiping down with a damp cloth. I sort of saw it. You can't wash them. Basically, the way to maintain chicken leather products is, think about how would a chicken deal with it.

Because essentially, it's an organic lie... It's a live product. The chicken's dead. The chicken itself is brain dead, but the molecules still don't... They love the molecules. The leather molecules are still alive. That's true. Anyway, if you buy leather off anyone in a shop,

they always love going on about how the leather has to breathe, treat it with a special cream that they sell you add-ons. But leather is alive. The chicken is dead. There's no brain controlling it anymore. It doesn't have a central... Its organs are still... I mean, it's been intubated and everything,

so it's still functioning from the neck down and could be used for transplants as and when. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But it's not sentient anymore. It's not sentient. But so yeah, how does a chicken clean itself? Just do the same thing.

I think they have a dirt bath, don't they? Is that a thing? They have a dirt bath. They have a dirt bath or a disgruntled farmer powerfully hoses them down. In a rage when it's angry with its children. Yeah. But like a powerhouse by an angry farmer

who's going through some issues. Or a dirt bath. So just put it on a 40 cycle, but instead of conditioner, you just pour in like two handfuls of dirt. Yeah. Okay. And you should be fine.

But that's the challenge with the trousers, why they said it couldn't be done, was because obviously if you got 40... It takes about 40 chickens to make a pair of chicken leather trousers. If you put 40 chickens just in a box together, and left them for half an hour, there'd be absolute carnage. Leave it for 45 minutes.

You've got yourself a pair of leather trousers. Well, that's it. Yeah. So patience is key. But then the problem is, as Henry says, the molecules are still the same. They're still live chickens. So you will get a situation where the trousers

will try and reject each other. They'll fight. Yeah. Different bits of leather will clash and peck your dick off. Yeah. Exactly. And a lot of the deep brainstem stuff, which is just instinctual, will still happen.

So for example, if you're wearing those trousers and a fox is nearby. They'll go nuts. The trousers will gap sitting nuts. They'll go berserk. And you just need to get them off as fast as you can, which is why I suggest always say, wear chicken leather trousers with slip-ons,

because you want to slip those shoes off, get those trousers off as fast as you can. Because imagine 40 chickens in a coop and a fox goes in. They go fucking berserk. Now imagine those chickens are all attached to your legs, 40 of them. Or if that does happen, at least, make sure you've got yourself down to the disco tech.

Or on a street corner and you've got a little hat out front and because you're going to be busting some fresh moves. Make it work for you. Yeah. Yeah. Monetise that. Always try and monetise it. If you can, make it work for you.

Yeah, you'll be bopping hard. What kind of fly do you have, Mike, on your chicken leather trousers? No fly. No fly. Just goes all the way up and I've got a... Just a chicken mouth. Is it the chicken mouth you have at the front?

Mine's the classic chicken head, yeah. The chicken head. I've got a pair of chicken leather braces that I used quite wise. To clean them up. Yeah. With sort of beak clasps. But what I always say to people is,

with a pair of chicken leather trousers, it's an investment piece and these are trousers for life. Oh, mine belonged to my great grandfather. Yeah. Yeah, he wore them when he was a Catholic missionary in Sub-Saharan Africa many years ago. The breathability would have really helped him there. Breathe with the humidity levels.

They're warm in the cold, they're cool in the hot. They're cool in the hot. Yeah. Yeah. Which is why it's a superior leather. But also, you can dress them up and you can dress them down. So, you can absolutely wear them for a formal event. You can wear the Oscars, that kind of thing, wedding.

But then similarly, if you want to slub around in your chicken leather trousers on a Sunday evening, at home, just get them on. They work perfectly well. It's leisure leather, isn't it, when it needs to be? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's just such a great product, isn't it?

And it's so great to see young people. Well, these days, increasingly, you see young people wearing them, you know, kayaking. Yeah. And just young people getting into chickens, generally. It's just good to see, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a new generation.

Just look up. Look up. Get off your screens. Look up. Look at a chicken. Look, as it arcs above. Soaring on the thermals above you. Flux of them.

And to watch them. It's actually around this time of year, to watch them migrating. Incredible. You know, to watch them flying in formation as they migrate down to, well, the Cape of Good Hope, isn't it? Cape Card, all the different capes.

All the capes. Yeah. Cape paddock. Yeah. There's an avalanche. And also, where I'm in Devon, we've just had the lovely, lovely event that happens every 17 years, where 14 million chickens

have just burst out of the soil. That's right. Have finally hatched out and have taken flight. Always mean to try and go down and see that. It's one of those things I've... Yeah. Well, they come with a combination of getting kind of a nightmare, you know.

And the roads, you've got to be ready for it. Because they've been gestating down there for, how long is it? It's 17 years. 17 years. They've been gestating. I'll get you down next time. You already come down, bring blue belt.

Oh, I'd love to do that. We'll have a cracking time. Did you manage to grab any virgin leather, as they call it? Well, the price is, because if you get it from one of the vendors, A, it's ridiculous, and B, it's not always the actual stuff itself. I know, but it's important to the local economy here.

We did manage to get, we got about four pints. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Four pints of leather. And you weren't tempted to bring your own, just bring a Stanley knife and... No, we're treating it, at the moment we're drying it out, and we're lathering it,

and then we're going to make a nice new piano case for it. Oh, that's nice. For holidays and stuff. Because there's the long-wending ethical argument, isn't there? It's like, obviously the leather is more supple if you get them when they're just out of the ground. But there's also that feeling that it's a bit of a shame that something that just takes for 17 years

then immediately turns into trousers. I don't mind that. I don't mind that, and I don't think the chickens mind it. What I do mind is the chicken diggers. I do object to people who come down here. Oh, that is disgusting. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, and they hoick them down from underneath, don't they? They get underneath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're... They put down a special stick with a sort of barbed hook on the end, and they dig out of the primary shortage. But the leather's not ready, Mike.

The leather's not ready. It's not ready. It's very... Yeah, gelatinous. It comes to pieces. It's a gelatinous leather you can always tell. It's too much shame to it. Yeah.

And who launched it? Who launched it this year, by the way, because I know they always get someone. It was the Lord Mayor of Cullumpton. Right, yeah. Yeah. Which is, as you know, is an honorary role. And this year was given to Bruno Mars.

Bruno, of course, only wears chicken leather in all of his music videos. But actually, I've... The rumor is, he deliberately... They release a fox into the studio. To get him dancing. To get him dancing. Because obviously, the chicken molecule will start panicking, and that... That's the secret, that's how he does it.

But look, even if you can't afford a pair of... Not everyone can afford a full chicken leather suit, whatever. Just get chicken leather wallet. I've got chicken leather wallet. And it's got a lovely little thing, which is the beak. They've kept the beak on. Yeah. And it dispenses the coins.

So you can pull the coins out of the beak. Does it still have the voice box? It still has the voice box. Yes, it does a little gargle as you turn it over. Obviously, they've only got a chicken, and he has 20,000 crows. Noises in it. So eventually, it'll run out.

But I'm enjoying it at the moment, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, similarly, my 40th, I got a chicken leather wallet strap, and it's the beak squawks the time. Oh, no, that's clever. Only on the hour, it can do it. 12 squawks, 12 o'clock, and so on. But yeah, that'll last me a good few years.

Who are your... Who or what were your posters? Teenaged. Posters. Oh, that's good. So I had... I got into comics at a point, and I had loads... The idea of it now is so embarrassing to me,

but I had loads and loads of Batman posters that I thought were incredibly cool. And you know when you're a teenager, it's all about like, I'm into this thing, and other people who are into it might realise I'm into it too and think I'm good. So that's why you get into t-shirts so much. T-shirts with the band that I'm into on.

And you really hope that one day, somehow, you'll connect with someone, essentially. You'll be on a train or... You'll signal them to the right tribe. It may even be a band you don't particularly ever listen to or like. Yeah, it may very well be that. And what you're hoping will happen is, across a crowded train,

the most beautiful woman in the history of the Earth will see the t-shirt band that you're into, and she will waft across the crowded commuter train and sweep you up in her arms and carry you away. And even though you are 14 years old and she works in the city... It's quite a maternal element to that fantasy. It's very revealing.

It's very revealing, Henry. It may feel too much. But basically, you want connection, right? You want people... You want to signal what you're into. It's part of your identity, isn't it? And posters are really important when you're a teenager. It's like, I'm into this,

and also, I'm going to publicly say that I'm into it so that hopefully other people who are into it will make love to me. Oh, there's both curation going on. Yeah, because you're imagining someone is going to come round at some point, you know? But the thing that was so pathetic about it was that for someone to notice my Batman posters,

they'd have to befriend me and come into my room. Do you know what I mean? It's like... It's the long game, isn't it? It's such a long game. It's such a long game, especially with a city professional. Exactly, especially with a city professional. It's...

And likely you're going to be in a groom someone two or three times your own age. Exactly. A Deutsche Bank executive that you're... You're... You're a Deutsche Bank executive. A multilingual French economist. Yeah.

And I'm doing my... Oh, my God. You are so... You are so like Batman. You know, Henry, you're only 17 years old, and I am an incredibly successful, physically extraordinary specimen of a German banking woman.

Yeah? I live my life every day. Meetings, meetings. Oh, oh, no. Every day, another man with a big heavy watch and multiple cars. Oh, I'm bored of them, Henry. But it's you that I like,

you with your folders, your A-levels hanging over you. And... Your new pubes. Your freshly minted pubes. And... You know, I like that you respect your family. You've still gone holiday with them.

I like that, yeah? I like that you still have pets, small pets in the cage, in your room. I like this. A lot of the men I'm meeting, Henry, in Dusseldorf, you know, downtown in New York, I do a lot of international meetings.

They're not like you, Henry. They don't have a gerbil that they've named after their favourite wizard. You know what, Henry? A lot of them don't even have a favourite wizard. Oh, no. That's what I did on some level. I did think that was going to happen

if I got enough of the right Batman posters up. If you're chance to, well, you've got to be in it to win it, right? That was the one time I really got into something enough to go, I want to live in a kind of igloo made of this stuff. I think you're the only person I know whose teenage fantasy involves

being on a commuter train as well. You know, it's just a grind, isn't it, Henry? Every day I'm here on my way to an expensive meeting, you know? And every day I've got so much perfume on me, and I've got so many little clinky, clinky metal things with my handbags. I've got so many handbags with little clinky metal things that keep it together, you know, Henry?

And I get so tired. Teenage levels of research as well, you know? The expensive meeting, because that's what they have in cities, they have expensive meetings. And Henry, your hand gets so bored and hot and on the way into work, you know? And I see you, Henry, there, sitting there,

and I know that you've got detective comics, which is the best when Norm Brayfogle was illustrating Batman. So this is issues 375 to around early 400s. Frank Miller did some of the writing. Oh, and I see you've doodled your own version of the Joker in your little notebook. Is that your own doodle? Oh, do you illustrate so beautifully, Henry?

I love the way you draw the Batman and all the villains. You know them all, Henry. Oh, and look here, you've invented your own little car. Oh, it's your own special superhero car. It's called Henry's special mega car. Oh, it can fly and go underwater and go invisible. It can go to so many places, Henry. I'm feeling very, very, very hot now.

You know that kind of thing? Is that, yeah. As a teenager, I largely lusted after other teenagers, I think, rather than professional women. I think the truth is I went to mainly boys' schools until girls didn't come in until quite late on in my schools. And I just developed an entirely bizarre fantasy woman in my head who I was in love with,

who was some sort of German banking commuter. So it's lack of exposure rather than an old knob on young shoulders. We've also had a lot of emails from people suggesting topics. This is from someone called Spurbs. Good old Spurbs. Old Spurbsy. Hey, Mike, Henry and other guy. I like that.

Hey, Spurb Patron. I'm a big fan of Spurbs. Spurbs is really fast. Maybe give Spurbs his own. Maybe we've got, yeah. We should be Mike, Henry and Spurbs. Oh, no. Because at least Spurbs people will be able to remember that name.

Rather than, um... New bean. We've got, guys, we have a bean change over. It's the bean reshuffle. Play the theme. Spurbs writes, It's been a dream of mine since childhood to become a middle-aged British comedian.

Oh, okay. Despite not being interested in comedy or being British. Okay. You're regretting subbing in Spurbs now? Yeah, Spurbsy is. I'm enjoying Spurbs. He's someone who very much... He's a risk taker, isn't he, socially?

I think with Spurbsy. I think... I think I'm that man. I'm enjoying Spurbsy immensely. I'm enjoying his bold gambit. I want to hear more from Spurbs. Well, he's about to deliver a very backhanded compliment. So here you go.

Oh, not... You've already... Bloody, he's negging us, isn't he? Okay, Spurbs. You're falling for it, boys. You're absolutely falling for it. Now I can live that dream vicariously with three indistinguishable voices

with meandering mildly funny conversations. That is as backhanded as it gets, isn't it? Spurbsy, okay. Spurbsy has pulled off quite a trick here, which is... He separated Ben from the pack early doors. He's a clever move, and we... He's a clever move from the pack early doors. He's an absolute master.

He realised I was the weakest of the hood. Certainly drew me in. I am now 100% dependent on Spurbsy for my any sense of self-worth, or... I mean, that transference has happened 100% now. It's just psychologically that it would take years of work to separate Spurbsy from my sense of self. To desperb.

Desperbing at this point. It would almost take so long that it's safer, quicker, easier for me and the people around me, the people who love me, if I just get married to Spurbs, or just become part of his entourage. I think it's the only healthy way forward at this point. It just feels easier. To chase Spurbs.

Henry, are you ready for the final line of the email, I think, is the coup de grace when it comes to... You're not even finished. Oh, no. It's not even finished. What has Spurbs got in store for us now? Okay. He's sealing the negging deal here, I think.

So Spurbs then goes on to recommend something we might want to talk about. He says, anyways, talk about mermaids or something. Who cares? Love Spurbs. Oh, the coup de Spurbs. Right. So, the coup de Spurbs.

Obviously, mermaids is the next topic we're going to be discussing. I don't think we need to... Oh, gosh. But it doesn't matter. At least we know it doesn't matter. It's going to have to be mermaids. Oh, Spurbsy. I tell you what.

I'm glad I don't work in a kind of office space with Spurbsy sitting opposite me. Because, do you know what I mean? Because every day he'd go into work just thinking, what is Spurbsy going to think? What's he going to say? What's he going to make me do today? What's he going to make me do today?

He's going to make me get into trouble. Because he's a powerful psychological manipulator. He's got a vice-like grip on me, certainly. So, it's been... I just want to say, guys, I've really enjoyed these two episodes we did together. Yeah. I look back on it fondly.

Yeah. I guess change the email address password and I won't be able to look at it. Yeah. And it will be Spurbs... What should we call it from now on? Spurbsy's World? Spurbs Legend 1, I reckon.

Spurbs Legend 1? Yeah, probably. Ben, if I was you, what I would do is pack everything you can into a rucksack and just do the long walk. So, it's five years and you just walk. Just keep walking around the country. And it's basically what you're doing is you put...

If I understand Spurbsy and what makes him tick, which obviously I have no right to speculate, but the Spurbsy type, I think you need to go... You need a five-year walk in the wilderness and then prostrate yourself in front of Spurbsy, show him the sores, the sores on your face, the sores on your arms and legs. Yeah.

And just hope that Spurbsy takes pity on you. It makes you a saint. And even then, there's only a 30% chance that he would acknowledge me from being there. The most likely response to Spurbsy will not attend the meeting, even if it's on Zoom. And you'll have wasted those five years in the wilderness. At that point, all you can do then

is double up and do 10 years in the wilderness. Bearing in mind that every stretch in the wilderness, the chances of Spurbsy then acknowledging it when you've finished it go down. But the length of time you have to spend in the wilderness goes up. Yeah. You've got to lean into it even as Spurbs slowly withdraws. So you're an exponential Spurbsy, yeah, Spurbsy wilderness.

It's the Spurbs penance. And then that will go on until my dying day and he will finally turn up at my funeral and ruin it. Yeah. Yeah. With a kind of backhanded eulogy. He'll do a backhanded eulogy. And little things like at your funeral,

I'm guessing he'll have loosened some of the layers of the pews or he'll have people that will have loosened them for him. A lot of the pews will be just wonky enough that people can't really focus on your passing and how much your life has meant them and stuff because just the pews will just be slightly off-kilter. I think he'll have loosened the lid on the coffin so that when it's being put down into the hole,

the lid slips off to reveal me. I'm lying face down and I'm clothed. Apart from, I've got a bare ass and he's put me in traps. He also will have at some point got off with every person in the congregation in their distant past but they'll have only recognized him quite later on. And he'll play that. He'll then play that in on a screen.

He'll have a little screen in the projector that he'll set up. Well, him getting off with every member of the congregation. Over a 20-year period. And like, even before he says it, people will be thinking, we've been spurbed here. But even if they're not thinking it, he will then say... Just for the record. You've been...

You've all been spurbed. Big time. And then Techno Music plays. There's lasers. Actually gets quite fun at that point. It wasn't a church at all. The walls fall away. You're actually in a water park.

He releases a thousand castaways into the room. At that point, people are actually... They're on their feet, they're dancing. You know what, this has been... This has actually been quite fun. This is a memorable day. There's energy. People are getting off with each other now.

Ben, members of your family are getting off with each other. Yeah. If they're not being tormented by a castaway. Thanks for going there, Henry. It's spurbsy, right? It's what spurbs you can... It's what's... It's what...

It's the spurb effect. Spurbsy can free... But then the final thing. This is the real... This is the amazing bit though. Music cuts down, right? Blackout. Spotlight.

The corner. It's Ben. You're alive. Was ice curbs you all along? You were spurbsy. But you haven't even finished saying I was spurbs you all along before. Snooker Q down your throat.

It was a yak. He was in the loo. I missed all of this. He missed all of this. So hang on, why is... Why is what's next for a Snooker Q? I always bring a Snooker Q with me during any sort of live event ceremony.

He always brings a wave. Just in case there's trouble. Why have you attacked... But why have you attacked me with it? I didn't know. And you know what? To this day, he can't actually answer that question. He doesn't know.

It's just instinct. Even the questioning by Emily Maitlis. And I would admit, it's funny that I did it. Oh yeah. He knows that. There's over... There's 40 CCTVs from different people's eyes hanging off from Casper attacks.

It's completely indisputable. Right. Well, I just want to say what is... Thank you for your email, Spurbs. It's personally quite exciting to be... To read the email that is the beginning of that journey. You know, we know that we've got that to come. Yeah.

And it's just nice to be... It's nice to have something to look forward to with, I think. And we now know what's going to happen. How long is that going to take? 40 years? Yeah, I'd say, yeah. Yeah, it's a 40-year cycle. Once Spurbs engages with you,

once Spurbs is in your life, it's a 40-year cycle till you're free of Spurbs and dead.