Three Bean Salad - Bears

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Welcome back for SEASON 5 which Henry thinks means we’ve been going for either 70 episodes or 70 years. Thanks to Steph of London the season kicks off with the topic of bears. Literally and figuratively full of beans from their hiatus, the actual beans manage to steer on course for an admirable chunk of the episode but do manage to give glancing chat blows to Paul Hogan, Thug and Nicky the Pygmy Hippos and what might have happened to Henry’s missing bag of CDs.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

I've become aware recently of the, you know, the top of your spine, your spine, one spot, the universal spine. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. At the top of the universal spine, there is a ball and socket joint on which the skull will rotate. Which is why I can go 360 degrees.

Yeah. It's like, think of, you know, when you used to my action figures as a kid, you get a really good one. Yeah. That's what the human head essentially is. You know, it's... Which is why they're exchangeable. You simply have to put your elbows into a bit and it pops and you can put a shaved one

on for if you've got to go to an official event. Yeah. And also, we all come with like three accessories, don't we? Wish you could manually clamp... Yeah. Let's clamp into your hands. There's cowboy. You've got cowboy version, accountant.

Angry pirate. Angry pirate. I think my head's just floating on a sort of layer of liquid. Hmm. That's the alternative. Yeah. That's what I've got. Yeah.

So it's just like the sort of a gummy liquid that sometimes seeps out. You've got an infinity neck, haven't you? That's right. Yeah. And that's why your head is always totally flat. It's like a spirit level, isn't it? You're at a one position, your body's in. Your head just stays flat.

Absolutely amazing for DIY in your house. But I can never go to the Southern Hemisphere. Because your whole body would spin round, wouldn't it? On your head. You'd be the other way around. It's unthinkable. Anyway, what was your point, Henry? We've got a ball socket on the end of our spine.

Oh, you do? At least, yeah. But basically, what's happened over the last month, we've not been doing the podcast. It's just, I've noticed that when I turn my head in various directions, I can really feel the ball and socket joint clunk and make an audible noise from within my own head. It's quite unnerving. I can hear a kind of, I suppose like a sort of, like an old heavy church door being wrenched off its hinges.

By a horde of vizygoths. Is that, is that sort of vibe? Yeah, that sounds normal. And then they throw the flaming torches within. Yeah. And then they start desegrating the pews, you know, doing all that vizygoth stuff. But when I'm sitting on a train, sometimes I'll do it. I'll deliberately, I'll hinge my head to the left.

I'll hear it. I'll get clunked and I'll like, vizygoths in, clunk it out and vizygoths out. I couldn't, I couldn't, with much authority, tell you what a vizygoth was. I'm imagining, in my mind's eye, a Viking. I'm assuming it's just a goth wearing some sort of high visibility jacket. A goth that can operate a crane. And also, you think about it, they're very actually low visibility in terms of their natural outfit.

Yeah. So you want a couple of vizygoths, don't you, in any, in any group? You want a reflective wristband minimum, don't you? So for example, if you're on your way, I don't know, just for example, to a cure concert. Yeah. As they might have been. As they might really. In the time of the Roman Empire.

What I'm saying is that I think I've just been aware that my neck. You're clunking and you're cracking. I think it sounds like you've probably only got a limited number of neck clunk cracks. What left? I would say that seems like a finite thing to me. It's true. There comes a point when the vizygoths have been in and out, then ransacked this church so many times that you just go, let's just forget, just knock this fucker down.

Yeah, exactly. It's a place. It is good to be back, to be back in the saddle, isn't it? It is. How are your months off, Mike? How is your time off? I struggled to account for my time. Apart from, I mean, I'll crowbar this end, shall I?

I went to Berlin. That was very exciting. That was very brief. Was that a holiday? It was a holiday. Couple of days. Lovely. Yeah, fancy pants, isn't it?

There's me showing off. Very cool. I had a smashing time. What sort of things did you get up to? I... My... Just cut to the fuck. Tell us about the Starzy Museum.

Come on. Cut the shit. Tell us some stuff about the Starzy that we didn't know. The Starzy Museum, let me tell you, is one of the finest blurb collections in the world. And let me tell you, I insisted that we absolutely read every single blurb. In Deutsch and English? Try it in Deutsch first. See how you get on.

About half an hour later, realize you're going to have to give this up as a bad job and just read the English one and then move on to the next one. And repeat that about a thousand times. And that's the ultimate day out, as far as I'm concerned. Of course. Heavy, heavy blurbs. I did bust out... I did try my best to be a good guest and bust out some hard Deutsch left, right and centre.

Good man. Sort of quite belligerently to sort of natives who clearly spoke better English than I do. And I don't know whether or not I was necessarily understood. There was at least one guy who assumed I was Spanish and another shopkeeper who thought I was Australian. So it raises some questions about my pronunciation. What were you wearing though? Was it your castanets and cork hat?

Holiday combo. Standard holiday combo, yeah. I'm not having fun, darling, until I'm wearing the cork hat. You know how I work. I suspect in whatever language I was speaking, I was speaking in a Spanish-Australian accent. Did you have the thing which is always quite insulting where you make the effort to talk in the language?

And you even say to the people with you, the thing is it's great because what happens is they really appreciate it. If you make the effort, they really appreciate it. They don't appreciate it if they can't understand the bloody word you're saying. And then they tend to... The thing that's insulting is when you say something in that language and then they say back to you, I'm so sorry, I did not quite understand what you were intending to say

when you said that just now. Can you please repeat yourself? Or they simply hand you an English menu. Oh, the English menu. And even that could be in an A&E or any context where you're trying a German. Yeah, arms fair. On a train. Yeah, on a tram.

There you go, mate. Read this. Or do yourself a bok-wurst. Because I've had that because I've supposedly got quite good French, you know, because I... You've led us to believe that, at least. It's one of the things that people believe about me is that he's apparently got quite good French

because I grew up there a bit. You give off that vibe as well. Plus, I give up that vibe. And French is more of a vibe than a language, isn't it? That's why I've been able to believe it. Exactly. It's like, this guy looks like he knows his way around a croissant and is open to far-right thinking.

And far-left thinking as well. And far-left thinking. And lurching wildly between the two. Lurching between the two. So I do that, yeah. Sorry, when I get the English menu, if I try and order in French and stuff, I get the English menu. Absolutely.

It's a real... It's a sucker punch, isn't it? It sure is. But, you know, you've got to give it a pump. But then if you're in Germany ordering food in Harry Ramstons, might... Oh. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. There might have been the problem. And I was only able to use that, using a pre-learned sentence in which I am... I'm supposed to be asking for directions to the train station. So I'm trying to incorporate a food order into that sentence.

Yeah. In the Harry Ramstons. That's your way into the language, isn't it? Yeah. That's my springboard. Yeah. So if this meal was a train station... Yeah.

Which direction would it be? And salmon was a direction. Thinking of all the different kinds of seafood as different platforms. Can I please have four medium-cooked tickets... And a return journey to some fried potatoes? Cut-offle salad. Do you have cut-offle salad? Yeah.

Cut-offle in everything, right? Oh, yeah. Cut-offle in the... So what's cut-offle salad? Potato. Potato salad. So is it a potato salad like... What else is going on in there?

So you've got potatoes. What else you got? Some potatoes that have been prepared in a bowl where there was some salad leftovers. Okay. At some point. So there might be a bit of lettuce on one of the potatoes. And that's what you want. Okay.

That's what you want when you're chugging into a very dark, cloudy, IBS infuriating beer. So this week's topic, as sent in by Steph from London. Thank you, Steph. Ah. Is... Bears. Oh. Bear-wise, the thing about bears that I know.

Yeah. Although I don't know, it's what you're meant to do when confronted with different types of bears. Yeah. What do you run in a zigzag? Do you go up a tree? Do you go down a tree? Yeah.

Do you play dead? I think. So I think. Yeah. Grizzly. Yeah. Play dead. Uh-huh.

Black bear. Yeah. Fight back. You can't be the advice. Literally just try, just go for it and see and just chuck everything you've got at it. Everything you've got. You're going to get hurt too. But as long as you know that going in, you're going to be okay.

Yeah. It's all about tenacity. Yeah. It's simply made the best man win, isn't it? Basically. It's basically, if you can beat up and kill that black bear, you will. If you can't. It's street rules as well.

Okay. So anything goes. Yeah. Crot. Just go for the crot. Give everything you've got to the crot. To the crot. Just go.

Yeah. Don't dwell on the fact that you've brought a man to a bear fight. It's, you know, you just have to go into it. Yeah. Once you've had that thought, you're already dead. So don't think it. Um, so black bear fight it to the death or? Or some sort of point system.

Yeah. Yeah. See what the judges say, I think. The animal judges. When you're exploring through bear and forest, you should always carry a towel with you and a friend that can throw that towel. Yes. Yeah.

A polar bear is, um, organize a fight with it later on and don't turn up. Oh, I'll see you down the wreck at three 30. It's reputationally damaging, of course, but yeah, life saving. So I think, I think, so I think it's grizzly bear play dead. I think the reason you're playing dead really is just to get used to the idea of being dead. Yeah. And I think then you won't because you're going to be dead soon. So you might as well warm up.

Yeah. You might go for a sudden death, which can be quite, quite jarring. Get yourself in the body position. Uh, and then Rick, uh, would you go for Rick to screen or, um, or passive face? I'd go for kind of them screaming Pompey death. Uh, yes. Okay. Yeah.

Really caught off guard. Caught in time. Final. Yeah. Oval mouth of horror. Yeah. That's what the answer is. So very distressing.

So it'll scare, scare the absolute, put the absolute, absolute heebie-jeebies up, whichever arctic explorer eventually discovers you. Exactly. Even when you fully decompose, even your skeleton is clearly screaming. Yeah. One of those. Yeah. So that's what I'd go for.

But yeah, it just gives you that, gives you that few minutes just to get used to that idea before it happens. That's, I think that's what play dead means. And then of course you're, you're, you're agonizingly torn limb from limb and put through the, the, yeah, the natural equivalent of a mechanized cheese grater. Isn't it? That's what. With bad breath.

With bad breath and absolutely stinking attitude. It's, it's not a good way to go. Yeah. Carry on. So that was Grizzly. Yeah. That's Grizzly. I think black is fight back.

And I think the idea is that once they see you're going to fight back, they're like, I can't be bothered with this. I'll just go find someone who hasn't got the memo and will play dead. So you have to hope that you've come up against a black bear that's got a hangover, for example, or just a busy schedule. I think they just can't be bothered basically with the small amount of effort it would take to tear your face off. Yeah.

Can't be asked. Is there, is there one where you, where you offer up your iPhone or whatever and just go, just take it. It's insured. Honestly. Like the insurance. Honestly. It's insured.

Yeah. Just please don't take my small booklet of pressed flowers because it's, it's of no use to you financially. But it means a lot to me. And can I take the sim out? Cause like you don't need my sim. You don't need the sim. It's got boring old photos of me and my bloody life, which I happen to care about, but it

doesn't do anything with that. So that's black bear. I think polar bear. There's, there's no tactic because you will die. You're definitely dead. How would you want to spend your last 40 seconds on earth? Basically is the question for that one. You just got to choose which bits going to go in first.

Maybe you've got time. You know what? Finally actually sitting down and reading the count of Monte Cristo. Actually, you know what? I'm going to bloody do this because sure it's 700 pages long. But he's a long way off on the horizon. Yeah. But I think if you have got 40 seconds of what you read, page one, page 450 and then

the last page and you've probably got a sense of what happened. Yeah. You get the sense of the scene setting. A random page from the middle. They've just got to hope it's a good one. Haven't you? Hope it's one of the sexy bits. Hope it's one of the sexy bits.

Or a scene in which the count of Monte Cristo manages to trick a polar bear into submission. Oh, hello. Hello. That would be useful, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, though, that chapter heading does come at the beginning. It will take you an average of 44 seconds to read. And also the tactic involves 50 baguettes. Learning four new languages.

And a full suit of armor. So unless you've got a mobile bakery with you, unless you're trying to set up the first press of Montre. It's foul bad. Yeah. So polar bear, you're just... I think there's literally no... There's a chance it might just walk off, but you just hope it hasn't seen you.

Yeah. And unfortunately, you will be quite easily picked out against the completely white background in all directions. Because the other thing is, it can definitely see you and you definitely can't see it that well. Well, not if it's covering its nose. Not if it's covering its nose. Koala Bears, you just read the most scary story.

Actually, you know what? Koala Bears actually are supposedly absolutely vicious, aren't they? Right? I've embraced a Koala Bear before. Have you? Well, Mike, did you know that something like... I think it's like 80% of them have got chlamydia. Oh, yeah.

I think, yeah. I've also got chlamydia. Yeah. Yeah. So what did you say? That was where I was going. Yeah. Sorry to preempt that, Mike.

Checking the winner at my sales there. Yeah, I've embraced a Koala Bear. Which I don't know, which with hindsight, I don't know if that's necessarily something that Koala Bear wanted me to do. It was a Koala Bear in captivity. I think of it now, and I think maybe he'd have been happier just in a eucalyptus somewhere, minding his own business, rather than having a cuddle with a sweaty, red-faced tourist. Was it something that was sort of being offered by the zoo, was it?

Yeah, very much so. Yeah. Cuddler Koala. Well, you sort of went into a hut and there was a man. He was like, here you go. Here you go. Basically, yeah, a Koala was sort of placed upon your chest. Yeah.

Within seconds. Did it suckle? Disappointingly, no. But it was fully grown. So, I mean, I suckled it and then... Okay, I've got to admit you. I've got to admit you. I'm trying to think.

I'm just thinking for you and a Koala being placed on your chest, Mike, which of the two of you was the more embarrassed? Do you know what I mean? It was awkward. I can just imagine the two of you catching its eye and both of you just thinking, what the fuck are you doing? Have you ever seen a Koala blush? What the hell are we doing here, mate?

It's come to this. Was it in Australia? Yeah, it was in South Australia. Feel a Koala on your chest. Were you topless? I wasn't topless, but I was wearing my Koala skin gilet. You haven't paid enough. You haven't paid for the topless ticket, Mike.

So, did you lie down and the Koala was placed on your chest? You lie down on a stone plinth. Feel the fate of a Koala from the point of view. The Koala was helicoptered in on a rescue harness and lowered onto your chest. So, your chest hair effectively becomes the bush. Yeah, and then the Koala weaves its pelt into your chest hairs until you're one. And then you have to go on a treasure hunt. Nice.

Which the Koala is always saying, just get me out of this fucking zoo, mate. This guy's me as a backpick. My brother is. He was perfect. You just have to strap like a water bottle to my side, and then I'll be convincing. Just put a zip in my back, somehow. Forget the treasure hunt, mate.

It's just vouchers to the reptile basement. It's not worth it. Get me the fuck out of here, and I will make you the richest man on Earth. Do you want rubies, gems? You can have them all. And then later on, there's a very, very difficult conversation in Starbucks where it's like, okay, I said some stuff about rubies.

Can't look at the table, mate. I said some stuff about gems. I can't take what I said back. It's out there. Now, in terms of making you money, I do have some good tips for horse racing tomorrow. How much did you pay to have me put on your chest? We could maybe just do that in the Starbucks.

Make a little sign. I'm effectively just creating a new zoo for myself. I was warned about this. I was warned this could happen. I told them it was not as I should have. And actually, they say this is how zoos spread. Essentially, it's a form of spore. Animals escape.

This is exactly what we wanted for God's sake. Animals escape. It's the same way that you get a lot of tomato plants around sewage outlets. All I want is to open a hot dog concession stand. I mean, where does that come from? They must have been playing mind tricks on me, mate. It's going to be called koala dogs.

It's very obvious that's only going to get any kind of traction in a zoo. I've already ordered the key rings. They're ready to pick up. Actually, if you give me a lift, I'll try for me. Oh, bless them. So, I still haven't got my head around this.

Did the koala place its arms around your midriff so it's clanging, clinging onto you like you're a tree? Yeah. So you were like the eucalyptus. I was a disappointing tasteless eucalyptus. And I don't think he was into it. Also, this is one of those kind of QI-style facts. But is it koalas aren't bears?

Oh, are they tomatoes? Actually, a fruit. Or is it pandas aren't bears? Oh, I think a panda is a bear. How do you thwart a panda? We've covered the other thwarts. Yeah, we have. Well, so koala, you go on a treasure hunt,

take it out into the outside world where it sets up its own zoo. So that one's sorted. Eventually, it becomes zookeeper. And, you know, guys, I'm free. Finally, I had everything I wanted. But what kind of freedom is this? I'm trapped in a salary, pay-as-you-were scheme with quite a good pension.

I get all the eucalyptus I can eat on Amazon now. It just comes from a door. There's no challenge involved. I was given some medicine for my chlamydia, so that's gone. And that was kind of my thing. Seven years off paying off my Prius. I'm friends with the guy who sent him his Hogan,

who was in that Australian film. Paul Hogan? I'm friends with Paul. I'm thinking, well, he's not very tactile. I don't have to hug him. He's very, very non-tactile. Well, he's covered in crocodile skin most of the time. Hard to get a purchase.

I'll visit all the Australian states, Cairns, Victoria, North Victoria, Cairns. So pandas, if you came across a panda in a bamboo grove in central China. Ben, but quickly, I've got a good one for pandas. OK.

Here's one. Dress up as a panda of the opposite sex to that panda and suggest you actually reproduce. OK. OK. I like how, like, globally, the main thing everyone knows about pandas is they hate to have sex.

Yeah. In front of a paying audience. Yeah, for some reason. You do get quite a hard... There's quite a hard line anti-panda brigade who go... Yes, people think that we spend too much money on them and that we should just... Just let them go.

Put them into the workforce. And they're taking up too much of the world's resources when it comes to money going towards animals. Whereas things like the triple watered hog toad. And there's all these, like, really, like, not as cute animals. The blood-sucking batmoth. Exactly. They get nothing.

No one cares about these... These crucial creatures. Exactly. The anal goat leech. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen a panda. Have you seen a panda?

I've seen a panda in a zoo setting. Yeah, I went to Edinburgh to China. You went to China? You saw Chinese ones? No, I've never been to China. Oh, I see. Yeah, I saw the Edinburgh ones. Same, yeah. And they're very small, aren't they?

It's the same... Look, we've done this before, but it's the same. It's one of my hobby horses, this. It's perspective again. It's perspective. No, it's the micro... It's the microbeasts that they have in these zoos. Like, these micro-hippos I saw.

If I can't imagine a hippo stomping me to death, what is the point? I could stomp that hippo to death. You think these are micro-pandas? They're probably micro-pandas. They're called giant pandas. That's the real piss-take. Absolute piss-take.

So they've got mini ones, have they, up there? No. It turns out the giant pandas aren't very big. Oh, is it relative? No. I mean, I guess it is relative. They're bigger than an ant. Right.

They weren't just baby pandas, right? No. They were adult giant pandas, and they're not that big. How big did you want them? Giant. Well, they're cute. Yes. Yeah.

They're adorable. They're not made of stone. Rolling about, playing with a ball. Oh, God, they are cute, aren't they? We actually got an email about this. I know, you know, we don't often bleed the emails into the main section, but I think it might be time. Okay.

This is from Gemma. Hello, Gemma. Hi, Gemma. Hi, Beans. I wanted to drop you a line in defence of the small, but still very mighty, pygmy hippos. Oh. Aw.

I'm a zookeeper working in the Regents Park area. I mean, that'll be London Zoo, I think. I mean, she's... She didn't specify she was working as a zookeeper. Fair enough. She could be working at Madame Tussauds. Okay. By the way, a little tip, by the way, if you want to visit

London Zoo on the cheap, if you walk through... Dressed as a koala. Have you dug a tunnel under the leopard enclosure? What you do is you dress up as a koala and you go to the ticket guy and you go, listen, mate, I broke out a couple of weeks... I broke out a few years ago. I set up Whipsnade Zoo. You might have heard of it.

I was entwined in this guy. It's just here. I want to get back in. I can't live life out there. I'm not ready for what I've made for it. No, mate, for me, mate. What you do is you give them, as a gift, a giant wooden giraffe. The old frozen giraffe.

What you do is the canal goes through London Zoo. There's a point at the canal which anyone can walk along the footpath of the canal. Where is that big floating Chinese restaurant? There's a big floating Chinese restaurant. So get that off its moorings. Pour yourself some dim sum. Wrap yourself up in those little pancakes.

Because pancakes get in for free. And then just cross your fingers, hope for the best. Doesn't always work. Is that your tip? No. If you walk along that bit of the toe path, there's certain animal enclosures which back up to the canal and essentially you're getting a free look at some of the animals.

However, they're aware of that. And they've put, you know, not wanting to be offensive, but they've put the shittest animals in. There's just like some like large, grey sort of dogs. They're just not really... There's a stick insect on the other side of a whammy. Yeah, exactly. And a couple of very, very rare sort of Tasmanian pigeons

which just happen to look exactly like your average luncheon. You tend to get these urban life hacks, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry, Gemma writes, in defence of Thug and Nicky, the London Zoo pygmy hippos, I would like to stress that pygmy hippos are very much proper hippos. Okay.

They like to do all the things big hippos do. Despite their compact size, they definitely make as much mess as their larger cousins and smell just as fresh. They like to do all the things that their larger cousins do. Do they? Like getting onto some of the main rides at Thorpe Park. I wouldn't have thought so.

Yeah? Is that fair, Slam? I wouldn't scrutinise it too much. You're right. That's what the movie... Yeah, sorry. She says, I would go as far to say they're much better than common hippos.

If you're being chased by a pygmy, in theory, you just need to jump over them to escape Donkey Kong style. Well, that's always been my plan if the circumstance were ever to arise. That's good. I like that. But most importantly, they're the best hippos in the whole wide world

and they didn't deserve the pygmy slamming. Then this is the best bit. I believe Thug himself has listened to the episode. Who's that? Thug is one of the Minajepos. Yeah. Well, does she know some hippos? Oh, Henry.

Come on. Are you just tuning out or are you sort of deleting bits as you go? I delete as I go. It's a great new system. You've got a sort of memory shredder. Effectively. Yeah, I don't need it.

It goes. To bring you up to speed, Gemma is the pygmy hippo keeper of London Zoo. Bloody hell. Is this a bollocking of the week? I've been going on to bollocking mode, by the way, in terms of my tone there. So I apologize for that and take it back.

That's pretty cool. Anyway, I believe Thug himself has listened to the episode. I assume she means the episode in which you've stagged them off. Yeah. She writes, there wasn't much of a reaction. He just bobbed about in his pool as usual. Ah.

Okay. Water off a hippo's back. Okay. I'm going to say that. I'm going to issue a full and comprehensive apology. And she is also shared with a photograph of Nikki, the pygmy hippo. Anyway.

Oh, wow. What's she up to? Is she saying hello? Is she saying hello? It looks pretty aggressive to me. She might just be yawning, to be fair. That's really, that's good, isn't it? Well, Nikki's a beauty.

We should put her on the old Twitter. She needs to go on social media. We will share this image. It's a very, very handsome beast, I'd say. So Henry, I guess this is something of a bollocking for you, Henry. Yeah. Would you say this has changed your opinion of the pygmy hippo? Yeah, I'm fully accepting the magisterial beauty in the sense of it looks a bit like

a magistrate, an angry magistrate. But yeah, no, I fully accept. If that is a bollocking, I accept it. Wow. The pygmy hippos are excellent. You've changed. In terms of how to survive a panda, I don't know if they attack humans because they only eat bamboo.

You'd have to really rile a panda, I think, given their famously gentle playful attitudes and their vegetarian nature. I think if you were attacked by a panda, you just have to admit to yourself that this is fair enough and I've brought this to myself. Yeah, you must have been asking for it. And take the beats, take the hit, learn from it and grow. Yeah. There's something called panda diplomacy.

Panda diplomacy? Yeah. Go on. Which I learned about at university, which is... Don't have sex with a person you're negotiating with. If there's a paying audience in front of you. It's not going to help. I can't quite remember what it is.

I think it's that China, for a long time, was trying to ingratiate itself to the world. It was kind of on a bit of a public relations sort of drive. Yeah, yeah. And what it would do is it would lend pandas to different countries as a kind of gift. However, if you send two pandas to a country, it costs that country £50 million. So it's like winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Isn't it? You've got to host it the next year.

Exactly. So you have to host the panda, essentially. So you have to build a panda enclosure, employ panda people to look after it. And essentially, it's like a real countless radio interviews about why haven't the pandas banged yet. Exactly. Exactly. Every few weeks or so. It makes your country 1% less sexy overall.

So it's kind of like a bit of a poison chalice. Is it actually a kind of... Almost a kind of soft warfare, kind of... I don't know, like secret... Is it a way of undermining your economy, in fact? Was it a whole thing, a bit of a trick? Well, the only people who are making any money out of it are the people who are making rucksacks and lunchboxes, right? Yeah.

And where are they made? Where are they made? Where are they made? Hello. Oh. Hello. Yeah, I don't know. And you can't re...

You can't re-gift them, can you, as a nation? You can't just hear some traditional British pandas and give them to France or whatever, can you? Do you remember when... I think it was... When Obama came over. I think the Queen went to see Obama and then Obama came over to see the Queen. And when the Queen went to see Obama, they gifted him a desk which had been made out of the prow of the Mayflower or something. It was like an incredible gift.

Really thoughtful. Yeah, really thoughtful. Just all he wanted. It was to do with American history and the link between Britain and America. It was a beautiful thing. Obviously, cost lots of money to create. And then when he came over, he gave the CD... He gave the Queen like a bag of CDs.

Hang on, hang on. Hang on. Were they his own CDs? Were they his own demos and rough cuts? It's almost certainly not this, but I did used to have a big bag of CDs and I lost them, genuinely. Did you lose them at Heathrow Airport? Do you think you just found them at Terminal 1 and thought, fuck, do you know what we've got to do?

We've got to get the Queen a bloody present. Christ, I knew there was something. Hang on, what's this? What have we got in here? Okay, we've got a bit of Red Hot Chili Peppers. Red Hot Chili Peppers. We've got a bit of Mochiba. It's solid, middle of the road.

The first air album. Nor are Jones. James Bond themes. It's an audio recording of a Cagney and Lacey episode with that. I don't know why he's put that on his CD, but... Top Gear's best ever driving anthems. Top Gear's second best ever driving anthems. Top Gear's worst driving anthems.

Trucker Rock. Trucker Rock 2. Motorway Melodies. Ice Road Folk Music. Junction Vibes. Now, I used to have a bag of CDs that I carried around with me for ages until the digital revolution gradually warmed its way into me. You were essentially an advert for the iPod.

Don't be like this guy carrying around a bag of CDs everywhere he goes. Just looking desperately for a CD player somewhere. He can bring them on. So why are you carrying this bag of CDs? I look like a thin, waisted, D-bearded, shaved Santa. Walking around with a big sack of CDs everywhere I went. I was like... I used to actually take...

I remember this. I used to take CDs with me to parties. Because you trusted your musical tastes. That much? Yeah, I'd be like, Hang on. Haven't heard any big guitar refs for a while. Have you heard of cast, guys?

Sorry, we're on a topic, Wang, here. Who was it that gave the CDs? I'm looking this up. Obama? That's what Ben is claiming. He gave a bag of CDs. To David Cameron. To the Queen.

The Queen! I don't need to look this up. See, I think I remember reading somewhere that when David Cameron went to see Obama, David Cameron gave Obama a bag of CDs. Yeah, no, I think that's what it is. Obama said that he was a lightweight. Here we go.

Obama was widely excoriated by the British press in 2009 when he gave the British Prime Minister Gordon Brown 25 classic movies on DVD. Which would not play on a British DVD player. Oh, my God. Well, he sold those in the toilet somewhere. That's kind of confusing to come and try and sell you in lose. And then it seemed like a poor return for Brown's gift

of a pen holder carved of timber from the sister ship which gave the woods to make the famous resolute desk in the Oval Office. Wow. The same year during a trip to London, the US President raised eyebrows again when he gave Queen Elizabeth II an iPod loaded with video footage and photographs

of her visit to the United States in 2007. So it's not one of his strong points. Some people just aren't very good at giving presents, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they're cheap, you know, 25 DVDs. I mean, that's going to set you back up, isn't it, to be fair? It's true that some people just don't have that.

It's not good at it. It's a skill. Some people have some people don't. It's a bit random. But hey, did Gordon Brown give him a wooden pen holder, did you say? A wooden pen holder made from the same ship that the desk in the Oval Office was made.

That's a thoughtful gift. But hang on. It's not one of those gifts which could be interpreted as an insult or something, is it? Like, enjoy your desk, mate. And here's the bloody pen holder from the same ship. You idiot. But I think if you present any gift in that way,

it will come across that way. No, but gifts can be quite symbolic. I do think Gordon Brown had particularly imperial ambitions, did he? But Brown was particularly famous for wanting to reclaim the American territories. One pen holder at a time. Yep.

But also, you know, because gifts are quite emotive. So, you know, if you get a gift slightly wrong. Yes. Do you think Brown was going, Do you even know me at all, Gordon? He's like, you've never met me. I've already got an entire desk made out of this stuff. I don't need it.

What am I? What am I to you? I'm tired. He just doesn't think about me. He doesn't care about me, Michelle. Doesn't think about what I want to do when I'm not at the desk. That's the real me. The real me is not at the desk, Gordon.

You know what? I sometimes like getting away from my desk and not thinking about desk stuff. But oh no, I have to think about it all the time now because my bloody pen's being held by wood made out of the same desk. And do you know what I actually like to do? I like to watch 25 classic American movies.

Yeah. Maybe just want to chill out in a cabin, not made out of wood from a historic ship. In a metal cabin, please. Metal plastic cabin, a hot metal cabin. In a hot metal cabin slash shed. And use some old-fashioned technology to watch up to 75 hours worth of movies.

But no. All right, time to read your emails. Thanks to everyone who's been emailing us over the break. If you would like to email us, the email address is 3beansaladpod.com. Also, to remind you, if you want, you can send in potential themes for the bean machine. Extremely, extremely good ones.

It's not running low. There's a good number of topics in there, but it's always nice to have new ones. Right. Now, we've had a topic upon which we've had a lot of emails. Oh, yeah. And I'm not going to be able to read them all out, but I'm going to read a representative portion of them.

And they pose a question for us. So this is kind of like a bit of a pompadou section, because we're going to have to work out what we're going to do about this. And now it's time for pompadou section. Pompadou. And obviously, we could discuss this off air, but that is not the pompadou philosophy that we've signed up for.

This isn't to do with the shit bean, because we all know that there is a shit bean. It's not something we've ever discussed openly. I feel like every episode, each of it, there's different shit beans, you know, as we go along. Sometimes it falls upon us all. Yeah.

We choose to hand it round at the moment. Yeah. Yeah. So a couple of things. It's about the blue bell jingle. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yes. Now we've had a couple along these lines. This is from Angus from Klandaf. Hello Beans. I hope you're doing well. The new blue bell jingle is fantastic. However, I do need something clearing up. And a couple of points in the song,

a backing track lyric says either she's a cat or she's a c***. I thought it was the latter at first, because you know how cats are, but I realized it's probably more likely the former. We've had a few emails asking for clarification whether I'm singing the words she's a cat or I'm singing the words she's a c***.

What it would do to your relationship with Henry, if Henry thought that's what you were singing about blue bell, you'd got that past him. The thing is, once you know that it, once you hear that someone tell you that it sounds a bit like that, when you listen to it, it really does sound like that. It's quite extraordinary.

And would people be hearing that, Henry, if the glove didn't fit? What, blue bell's personality? Yeah. Oh, come on, mate. That's pretty sin-ice here at Tabe. Oh, come on. Come on, mate.

I don't think she nakes enough moral choices in her life. Do you know what I mean? She spends most of her time in a pants drawer, doesn't she? Exactly. She spends a lot of time in a pants drawer. Questions like, do I eat the cold wet meat now? Do I eat the cold wet meat in a bit? The cold wet meat is now dry wet meat.

Dry wet meat. It's somehow dry and wet. It's costing you a bloody fortune, isn't it? Keeping it dry and wet at the same time. Sort of large head and glider style stuff. It's incredibly complex. And people think it's as simple as it's dry on the inside, wet on the outside.

No, I wish. Oh, come on. I bloody wish. It has to be dry and wet at the same time throughout. It's equally dry and wet throughout. That's right. Each bite. Each bite.

It has to be slobbering, crunchy all at the same time. Yeah, but that's how she likes it, and that's how she well eats it. She's a cat. Anyway, so yeah, for the avoidance of doubt, the lyrics are she's a cat because she is, after all, a cat.

Arguably. You could argue that it's quite sort of on-the-nose lyric, but, you know, there's nothing wrong with it now, and it's in the chorus section. It's true. You're saying that me saying she's a cat doesn't illuminate very much about the situation. There's not very much subtexts there behind the words

she's a cat. I think it's a bit like a kind of oral, raw shock test, isn't it? I think what you hear says a lot about you. Yeah. Or it's a bit like one of those pictures where they go, some people see a rabbit,

and some people see a cat. Which one do you see? Is that one of those? Yeah. What does it tell you about yourself? So then they had another chance for emails. People said they liked the blue bell jingle, so thank you for that.

And then we had a few, a number along this line. This is a good illustration of the kind of thing we got. This is from Gus. He simply writes, the blue bell jingle is monstrously long. Stop. Matt writes, dear beings, I love cats, I appreciate the representation,

but the blue bell jingle is far too long, and you know it. That's what they said about Scorsese's The Irishman. And I think it's safe to say it's become the world's best loved one, isn't it? I mean, people have The Irishman dinner parties, don't they? People go on The Irishman themed holidays.

People see Joe in their face to look like a young Robert De Niro. Some people get plastic surgeries or something like that, like an old plastic Robert De Niro has been made like a young Robert De Niro. You've got children with The Irishman, Ruck Saxon,

Billit Mike, you have to have The Irishman themed birthday parties to leave the children now. Every weekend, yeah, someone's got an Irishman themed birthday going on somewhere. Exactly. And apparently that was too long as well, was it? So, I don't think so.

Well, I was thinking actually, guys, I'm happy to make a shortened version, which I can play, and we'll play that now. Classic and stylish Like a vintage car You're gonna go far Bluebell, bluebell

Take me away on a magical trip Bluebell, bluebell To the milky way on your ferry spaceship Bluebell I'll feed you meat biscuits Upon the moon We'll defeat a giant worm Like in June

I'll see you there soon Bluebell, you've taught me so much. You've taught me the meaning of integrity. You taught me that little trick to just put a little bit of nutmeg in a bolognese, just lifts up, lifts out that meatiness, but without making it Christmasy, as you might think it would.

And, of course, the ability to jump on to the top of a wardrobe from a standing start. Bluebellena and bluebarama Bluebellena Bluebell Bluebell It is I, Zagon,

Lord of the cosmos. You shall bow down and pay fealty to me blue well For too long you have flown out to this universe as if you own it. Well It is mine Prepare to be destroyed What was this? You're offering me a compressed meat biscuit. I

Promised my other half I'd cut down What I'm gonna do Very nice curious aftertaste, what is that? Oh Damn you blue bell. This is a poisoned meat biscuit. Oh Bluebell you've outsmarted me again. I'm going to die What's happening to me blue bell? What? I know of poison is this? Bluebell you did it you did it you defeated Lord Zargon. Oh

Bluebell Bluebell I always believed you could do it for the moment. I saw you as a kitten for the moment. We picked you up from that From that place in Kent always knew that you might Permanently change the universe for the better politically Thank you, Henry. I am so relieved that Zargon is dead But you

You can speak That's right by defeating Lord Zargon. I was able to take control of his voice generator Now I can speak English just like you. Wow. Wow, okay I mean, it's amazing to hear you speak to hear your actual thoughts. It's it's it's a lot I'm gonna say it's a lot to take on for me right now in terms of our relationship. I think it's gonna I'm happy about it. Okay. I don't want you to feel I'm not happy about it But it's going to this is going to change the dynamic. Okay. I just we could be realistic about this But I love you. You're still you look delightful

Executing Lord Zargon in that way has brought out a flush in you You're looking like you'll I've never seen you look more alive certainly not since the time we changed you from the dental to the gastric biscuits And I'm happy. Okay. It's it's a new phase. It's a new chapter Boobel and I'm up for it I have a number of requests. I would like to make the compressed meat biscuits you buy me are of a poor quality Man, I thought you liked them. Would you eat them? No, no, it's true. I know it's true I wouldn't I wouldn't eat them myself, but I I just always assumed you liked them used to He did you sir? To chuff chuff him down. Yes, because I had literally nothing else to eat

Because you have complete control over everything I eat and do and everywhere I go If anything, you're worse than Lords are gone. I didn't say that Boobel You see this is what I was worried about. I knew it would affect our relationship. I knew the power dynamic would change But people Like people I love you. I've always loved you. I Think I loved you before I even bought you What is love What is love

What is love What is love if you're a cat It's an act you learn as a trap To get humans To give you meat biscuits If You were bigger than us You'd be tearing out our throats

And disemboweling goats I Preferred Lords are gone Even though he ruled the universe With an iron fist But at least he didn't eat garden birds What is love if you're a cat It's an act you learned as a trap

Yeah, well nice nice work, but yeah, that seems hopefully that will have placated so that was that was nice It's a pity that was like it was that had that perfect pop song sort of length Isn't it just sort of like snappy bam hits you. Yeah snappy like girls just want to have fun Is that bad as a bright fresh pop bang pop bang? Isn't it? Yeah, well, thanks So we've had this we've had another email This is from Fiona She writes hello beans

My husband and I were married recently Congratulations and following the wedding. There was only one honeymoon destination on our list The soup dragon cafe. Oh We're gonna say Bremen Hoping that Henry had not yet committed his hostile takeover turning the cafe into a tech startup named dragon tech We set off on arrival We marvelled at the giant steel dragon structure and made our way to the cafe in the cafe. We ordered our lattes and said pompadou

To the quietly to the attendant is that still happening they responded angrily Is that shit still going Unbelievable and stalked off to make our lattes Oh my god, the plex we waited for our coffees and we're delighted to find we did indeed get our 15% off at the till They've regretted that haven't they torturing them she then says we apologize to the beans that you will be invoiced for said discount Why not settling that we're not taking that risk on no no I Was always up for that, but you nixed that early doors. Didn't you Ben? Well that we would cover the discount I think that was discussed a long time ago. Was it are we gonna get a bill you came in hard? Yeah

Long live the pompadou discount long live the soup dragon cafe. Now p.s. Suggestions for the podcast marriage and flaying Some I'd ask what's the difference And that's from the new mr. And mrs. Thompson. Well, congratulations Thompson and Soup dragon cafe, you know, you are locked into this now forever So and and now yeah on a list of honeymoon destinations as well. So they'll be coming from far and wide Yeah, two by two. So yeah, thank you Fiona and mr. Thompson as well congratulations and and thank you to the soup dragon cafe for continuing to

Offer the discount even if it's slightly grudgingly. Yeah, and I can't is it cough coffees mockers What doesn't it anything doesn't include anything but the chocolate products. Yeah, basically chocolate in it. Forget it Yeah, yeah, chocolate's not easy to come by in that part of the world. Lovely. Well, that's that's three emails smashing It's time Oh Well, thank you for listening everybody and thank you also to everyone who's been supporting the old podcast on patreon Indeed

Thank you very much indeed. I mean if you're not doing that you can sign up We've just put up and we've put up the audio from our last live show on there if you're a Sean Bean tear person You can listen to that. Hmm. Yeah, so if you're not doing that and you fancy it patreon Dot-com slash three bean size. It's time to pay the ferryman Of course those people who sign up at the Sean Bean tear not only do they get access to our live show on audio Um They get access to the Sean Bean lounge Mike. They do indeed where I believe you last night

I was in days and it was Oh, it was absolutely magnificent because of course it was the it was the annual Sean Bean lounge pet pageant Oh, I would look forward to the pet pageant. Oh, yeah Great moment. I've got a report of the event right here for you This year's Sean Bean lounge annual pet pageant was sponsored by Daniel Atkinson's money-shitting sugar glider and my What an event it was it was opened with a fly pass by Grant Ryan's vulture display team who dramatically mistook Meg's Plymouth Rock chicken for carrion and swooped into attack Aaron Flynn's buzzard wanted a piece of the action slipped his moorings and knocked Daniel Roscoe Connor Jordan and Juliana Williams's

Abba tribute toads off their pedestal Megan McDaniel took advantage of the chaos to sabotage Reese's sea cucumber while Anthony Mason Alan Connor Warwin Paul Welford and Jen Blakely came to blows over which size dinner plate their tarantulas should be measured against all while will Green and Caroline visa were having to be sent home for smuggling in performance enhancing kibble in the main auditorium There was excitement and not a little anxiety as Eddie shepherd Jamie steel Tom Atkins Zoe Lansley and Pauline Appea discovered their secretary birds were going up against Kerry Smith's cassowary bloody Susan in the flightless bird cabaret They needn't have worried as in fact bloody Susan's deadly attention was turned to Matthew and Carina's spitting puff out at Chris The two of whom are still fighting it out at the time of broadcast the home County suburban canine crossbreed award went to Tom

Allbone's non-molting hypoallergenic woofless schnabox a cock a poodledore Puck sheep Yorkie finally agreed that won't bark at the postman because it's too busy Thinking about breathing most doleful eyes went to John Burton's Marmoset Ella Wells's proboscis monkey best newcomer Luke Pollard's crayfish took the order of the garter and Kim Em's crested gecko best supporting reptile Emma Morgan Hannah Watson Casper's Paul Wheeler Jess Riley Laura Halpin Chris Bailey and Bill Hughes lodged a class action complaint against the awards committee after the awards for best cat Top cat soft as cat cat loyalty and cat a genus a choir were awarded to bluebell packer despite her not showing up to the event in person But competing over a poor quality zoom link Charlotte Kingston Joanna Monholland Bridget Alice C and SG all took home rosettes for pets that could kill but choose not to Jack Lancelot Stuart Sharon Rocco Fred Gigi Catherine Andrew Haynes and Victoria the elf whisperer drew plaudits for their parallel long dogs

IRL parade Jamie Savage won the swan race and he reads swan won the guano word search Sarah Young and her LIGA won the mixed species badminton doubles and Jonathan Arglis and his ant farm won the hearts and minds of the local population in the plumage topiary section Gumberduck Adam Cooper Louise Robkustin Foster and Lydia Thompson were all found to have used bionic Parakeets and had to be destroyed but morale was restored and the dance of your amber DNA clone round in which Jodie Broad and her Oroch Philip Slarks and his Irish elk Chloe Cockett in her giant ground sloth competed admirably But were pipped to the post by Laura Downman and her Megalodon's powerful aquatic tango Enki June won the raffle to go behind the scenes at Sean Bean's luxury trout salon and the pets pet award

Unanimously voted for by the pets for undoubtedly the best pet full stop went to Pamela Oona Wozniak Let's give everyone a round of a pause Okay, let's work out which theme tune is going to play us out. We've had an email from Connor He says hi beans. I've written a variation on the opening theme Henry revealed to me that I was indeed one of those incredibly middle-of-the-road people who were turned on by guitar soloing So I felt it in solidarity with Mike It's only fair to send my response in the form of a Santana style track. Oh Please see this less as a fuck you Henry, but more of a I've got your back Mike

I feel it Connor, but also see it a bit as the former Yep, I'm definitely feeling it as that best Connor from Bremen. This is thrilling. Thanks Connor. So you hear it Thanks, everybody Let's hear some Connor acts work. Cheerio. Bye You You