Three Bean Salad - Beer

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

The beans are back and Sean of Exeter has given them the topic of beer, the cheeky old rascal!!!!! As luck would have it the beans just so happen to know one end of a pint from the other cor bloomin�� heck don’t they just the bloody legends so don’t be surprised if the banter isn’t just served lukewarm but has a ruddy lemonade top to boot weh hey!!!Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladTo buy streaming tickets for our upcoming live shows:Saturday 16th September 2023, 7pm (UK time) https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/29411/29415Sunday 17th September 2023, 2pm (UK time) https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/29666/29667Sunday 17th September 2023, 4.30pm (UK time) https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/29412/29416Get in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Hello and welcome to Three Bean Salad. This episode is dedicated to the Uttley Perfects Lola Cola. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Did everyone have a nice, uh, some break? Very nice, thanks. Yeah, I did very nice time. Obviously, when I'm kicking off a new series, I think this is Series 10. Is it? Which feels big, doesn't it?

I do. That's huge. Do either of you have any kind of new series resolutions? I tell you what, I've got a thing I was thinking of sharing with, with, with the podcast potentially, which is that, um, a couple of days ago, I went to see a personal trainer. Oh, that poor son. Who are they? What are you going for?

Are you going for a stax? Well, I don't know. So here's his. Here's the thing. What I was thinking was I could maybe fill in, fill you in about it over the podcast a bit. And we could call it Henry's Beefcake journey. Oh yes.

That's the first new jingle of the series, definitely. Yeah. Oh, oh yeah. Come on mate. Yes. I'm an agony and I absolutely love this More pain crunch it push it flex it more pain smash it spray it The path to beauty is pro-lap tenorites

Henry's beef gate journey to you. Because I think, look, this podcast is about positivity isn't it, it's about it's about it's about, um, it's about being in the moment, living life, maximizing yourself, fulfilling your potential, isn't it? All of our listeners will fill their potential every day, yeah, to the max. That sort of thing. No, it really know why, the first question he asked me actually, he said, why are you doing this? And then he sort of went, um, longevity. Right? Longgevity. Well, he said, how do you do this?

Which words did he stress? Not how do you do this? Why are you doing this? I think, or was it, was it why are you doing this? Which is you attempted to show in a sort of background. Why are you doing that? Please, for the love of God, stop doing this. Why am I doing it? I think, I do think it's just good for health. I heard the thing on the radio, but I've never done any sort of, I've never had any strength in me. I don't know. I'm just, I'm just, I'm not expecting to do it for more than about a month. You just want to be a

terrifying beast, right? I want to be a terrifying beast. Anyway, but you want to be the next Jason Stason, exactly. But, But he said to me, um, he said, it's slightly, it's slightly prick my bumble when he said, when he said long Jeopardy. So he was saying like, well, there's actually a few weeks left. Obviously we're trying, we're trying to boost this into my two months of life package. He basically thinks, so basically you want to look good, you want to open and casket at your own funeral and you want to, you want to go out and look in good. Going into the gym environment was quite weird. I mean I don't.

I always hated gyms. Yeah, yeah, I don't. I's, yeah, I really didn't have any hope this is gonna, I don't expect this to last even the whole series. I think you've used a bit of an exercise man though. Yeah, no, I just think. I'm quite, I do actually like permissing. I like my football, football running and cycling and stuff. But I think basically I've got no strength building. Was there also like a sort of yoga phase you had?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I still do. But basically there was a thing on the radio where it said, it's good to have strength in life, fuel health and stuff. And I've never really picked up anything. But surely, as the future barrels on and we replace everything with robots and machines, we don't actually need to be strong ourselves doing it. But Ben, I agree, I used to think that as well, but weirdly, that's not what's happening. If you look out, if you look out of your windows, then in London, then everyone's beefy is hell.

It's just beef keg central. For no reason, there is a beef fashion, definitely. Everyone is beefy up. And you've just gotta stay beefy, if you're gonna stay up, if you're gonna, if you're gonna, if you're gonna, if you're in that bind, that's sort of men in their 20s, isn't that? And that's the sort of feeling.

Yeah, but I mean, it's just a number, right? Yeah, cholesterol's just a number, right? Yeah, Harry Weeks, I've got less than that, it's just a number of, right? Of weeks. Basically, I think me going to this personal trainer is a very, very weird. It's a sign of some sort of crisis and it's very, very strange. Nevertheless, strap in for Henry's beef cake journey. So, Henry, if you are mooting that we make this a feature,

do we not need to sort of every week find out how much your benching? We need some measurables. Don't we? We need some measurables. According to my personal trainer, the kind of bench I'm interested in is the one that's going to have my name on it pretty soon. He loved this spot. He's outside your local press conference. So, a single, will thing daffodil. Does your personal trainer know about your exclusively prep-based diet? No, we haven't got onto the nutrition breakdown system yet.

Oh, he's going to prosine shake you, isn't he? He's giving me an app, he's talked about nutrition. I haven't actually gotten in touch with him since our meeting, but I'm supposed to get in touch with him to set up our first proper session. I'll say a few things. One is... Oh yeah. I made the shorts and I got a joke.

Which is? Which is... I've pulled out to my back. Okay, so you asked him for his clothes and his motorcycle. Yes? No, no, because when we were talking about what I wanted out of it, I said, I'm from, I'm not expecting to come out of this like, I can't, I'll just walk to the next.

And he went, no, you're going to like better than to walk to the next. Shrott's nigga is going to be your before picture. He showed me before and after picture of himself, my personal trainer. Why is that? He was a true derivative of a journey. What was his before though? He'd been through a journey. Well, the way he met his before and after picture is that he doesn't currently look as good as his after picture anymore.

So there's a before picture and after picture is in the line now picture. He's not as good as his after. They never go to now, do they? Would he've never heard before after? Now. Oh God. Exactly. There's loads of things can happen before after. Now. Oh, God. Exactly. There's loads of things can happen after after after.

After is not the end. Well, that's it. Well, these beef cake guys, there's going to be a period of beef collapse, right? It takes it once you've beefed up, it takes an awful lot of work to stay beefy. To maintain the beef. There's going to be a national beef collapse, where people are just dragging along piles of soggy, saggy beef along the pavement. Also, he didn't actually look as good as he did in his photo, just a weird moment.

Were you catfished? I was catfished. I was catfished. I got to my feet. I got to my feet. I got to fish. I got to fish. I got to fish.

So first, how many ones got away with it? You look at him. Basically, I went on to this, so I checked out a few gyms in my area, right? One of them was way to young, skewing in its vibe. And basically you get a little tour of the gym. And the girl said, this is where this happens, this is where this happens. And that's where the DJ goes.

So I found gyms maybe a bit better for me. But is it when we're people, sort of rehabilitate our tracks? Is it high on the cliff in Eastbourne? After you do your work out, you sit on a wheelchair with a tart and blanket of your lap, just looking out to see the spray warm salty vapor in your face. And give your watercolour kit. Yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of scones. Yeah. No, this is London, this is a hot basement. It's a hot basement for the 20 somethings.

It's, yeah. So there was three personal trainers that you could choose from that were associated with the gyms. I had to choose and based on their photos and a little bit of information about them. One of them was a bloke, who was actually more of a sort of middle-aged bloke. And I thought that my answer was, he's the guy who should go for a hill

and he'll understand my body. Okay. But that person was basically, I suddenly decided that they might be a chechen wallard. In hiding in London, there's something about a spacey loo you didn't want to be. You do want to be caught up in that drone strike. I didn't want to be part of that. So I plumbed for this guy.

The beef master. Who's just a sort of vital young beefy. We probably shouldn't use his real name. I'm going to beep it out and from now on we'll just refer to him as the beef master. So I turned up, he wasn't quite as beefy as he looked in his thing, but that's okay. He's debriefed a bit since that photo was taken. So he took me into a small basement, we chatted about goals. Then a thing happened, which was, he felt like he was quite, you know, quite, quite invested in my body future, myself confidence, my health goals,

and that kind of thing. But then, then he said, so what I like to do is sign people up for three months. Oh. And then he put this piece of paper in front of me. You know, you go with the flow in these situations, but I think it's time to realize, I'm getting trapped into a subscription model here. It's happening

again. And I was looking through the paperwork that he had in front of me. And I was thinking to say three months eventually, I thought, well, that sounds reasonable through it. But then I thought it was for once a week. I mean, there's a lot of money. And it's going to mean, you know, you could just just, you can just, you can just sign up now and I've got the card machine here. And as I was looking at it, I started to notice, because I was thinking about it, I started to notice his body language out of the corner of my eye.

And basically, he was poised for a tag. He basically climbed up onto the ceiling, not staring straight down me with a dangerine as teeth. How do you put on a, um, a chech-cent military uniform? I chose the wrong one. The other guy was just supposed to put us an innocent but strongly built, chech-and-farm. And he was doing that thing of, I was, I was basically about to sign this thing. I'd go for it. And he was doing that thing of, I was basically about to sign this thing.

I'm going for it. But notice that my uncle and my eyes, body language, was doing that twitchy, did you see that uncle twitchy kind of, he was kind of moving his pen around and he was, he was basically trying to not give away the fact that I'm going to be about to, this fucking, really, like, eat this, that, this fat, coughs on the anuteus, that door is about to, it's about to sign for three fucking, like, I need this, I need to say that I can, I can this door. It's about to sign for three fucking mighty, I need this. I need to say that I can,

I can go and see my personal trainer's like make Westown look like my after- I can't. I can't. Again. Desperately, it's a huge privilege of going up all the way to the side with the door. I can't.

It's just be fear and be fear, people are going up. But I could see he was just fucking, he was like, and he was trying, what he was trying to do is cover his excitement. If he'd just been beaming with a big smile on his face and then thumbs up, I'd probably done it, but he was kind of trying to make light of it. He was just kind of like, this is no big deal, just sign away three months, once week for three months. There's no way, and still going to be seeing a personal trainer in three months.

Both of us know that. Everyone knows that. So, I have resitted that, but I have signed up for four meetings with... The Beef Master. When you said to him, sorry, I don't wanna do the three months, I'm just gonna say it for four.

What was his reaction? Did you say it on the floor? Yeah. And, you know what he did was Ben. He basically garbled some completely in coherent stuff about goals and commitment and it was just it was just it was God. I mean I had a been out of the door at that point. Yeah, but he's he's sort of said something like, one of the factors what we do find is that you know if people commit to it that's part of what it's meant. But I'm sorry. I felt it's saying this already to him. The beef master. Look, I don't like you.

And this relationship is not going to work. That's how that for a goal. I'll see you next week. For 400 pounds. Yeah, he just said some stuff about commitment and goals. But I'm sorry, but that's not, you don't just buy 12 or something before you've tried it. That's why you're often seen to be eating raw eggs and they're out of a supermarket. Exactly.

You've got to try one. It could be a bad bad. Well, best of luck in, I mean, I'm looking forward to your transformation. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be good. Could it be there that you become too much of a jock? Well, that's one of the risks, sort of, to be a podcasting. I could, I could, I could beef my way out of podcasting and into self-help. This might get very frantic.

I might, it might, it might. Yeah. Well, let's see, we'll see what does my personality end, Bob? Over the, yeah. That's a couple of months, but my feeling is that I probably won't see him even for the full four that I paid for. Okay, time to turn on the beam machine, but instead of playing the usual jingle or rather have you hear the sound of the B machine warming up?

Jazz has sent in his own version. Is that our first B machine, B machine, or in the stringle? I think we've had one before maybe, but it's a rare, it's a rare occurrence. Jazz writes, dear beans, I've recently became aware of an AI tool that creates short songs given a simple set of lyrics. In the interest of science, I fed it in the lyrics

to the B machine jingle and it produced the following song which is uniquely horrible. Can I say I had about an AI tool the other day, it's called Mark Zuckerberg. Does that work? I thought, I thought, go for it early in the season, just go for it. I thought, go for it earlier in the season, just go for it. Right, I'm going to play this new B-machine jingle. Here we go. Don't be ashamed. Be ashamed. Be ashamed.

There we go. Well, you know what, I am going to become a beefcake. I'm going to make things happen. If you watch this space, that's made me believe in myself, that means a bit. It was quite inspirational, wasn't it? It was really inspirational. But it was that weird mix of inspirational and the knowledge that nobody involved in that was alive. It was all of that AI.

Yeah, that was all just a robot. Oh my god, that's the strongest emotional connection fantasy music Should take over now and read They just get it He's actually sent us another one. I'm listening to the second one. I like it, I'm going to say it, I like it. I'm going to say I like it. What genre was that? Miscellaneous rock, I think. Was it more like a tune I might have covered in my little teenage band back in the day? There's only one chord.

It was quite a chutonic in some way, I think. Was quite a chutonic. Yeah. I didn't know that my could be in a band, and it feels quite strong. A rich scene. A rich chat strip, just same, maybe where we interviewed other members of the band. Yeah.

Where are they now? Mick Hucknell. Carlos Santana. Phil Collins and Santana. Yeah. The other members of Mike's teenage band. There's those moments when you decide you're going to go solo and the other guy say listen to it really actually you're the weaker link here. Mike so probably.

Nope. Better on my own Phil. And Hacnal, I've been a satan now because I'm leaving. You're a prick. Yeah. Okay, so this week's topic as sent in by Sean from Exeter. Ooh. Oh. Is beer beer. Can I say every day's beer day anyway for me, I mean, no, what time is it, beer time? You're seeing as we, come on. What day is it, bin, beard and day? Ha ha ha. I'm, bin, day. Drink and be out of the bottle, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but What's that MFA? Is it beer? Yeah, it's beer. It's a bit... As soon as we stop talking about the podcast, we turn off and we just start talking about beer,

you know, that's what's normal for us. I mean, I've gone down the pub and having beer. Hey, hey! The beef master. What are my goals? Getting a sex pack of beer. Whaaaaaay! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha goals, getting a six pack of beer. Wait, it's massive, isn't it the moment, beer? Seven go at the moment.

Well, I think the medieval period weren't like children drinking I'm talking millennia, Ben. I'm talking millennia, Ben. Apparently beer is on the up, which is why wine is on the down a bit. This is French wine producers having to discard wine and then just rebrand it as long as craft beer. Can I just mention it? Brands on as craft beer, you can serve anything, Ghani, really? My partner signed up to a free trial of something called,

I think it's called BF-52, which is one of the things where you get a box that comes through every month. She signed up for the free trial. I think that was probably about three years ago. Oh, okay. And she just keeps me into cancelled, but never quite does. Yeah, classic subscription.

It arrives every month. You open the box, and you're like, oh, lovely, a nice coriander and apricot porter. Oh, I'm not sure I want that right now. A plum stout that's 67% ABV. Exactly. That's weird, because really right now, I of the mood is a bit like a fosters or a cronumberg or a cryonican, weirdly.

My irritable bowel syndrome settled down a bit over the last few weeks, but this is really good. It's a nearer. It's worth it. And each one is either completely gross, just unthinkably gross, because they're always trying to come up with new flavours involved with fruit. So it'll be like light cheese and light cheese and lasagna. Larger. And who are these people making them? Is it like lots of little small producers? Because there was a craft beer thing. What happened?

Yes. So what it is is it's loads of businesses that are essentially two middle aged men who were made redundant from their job in an insurance company, were given a payout, and then before the beer has hit the shelves, they've gone out of business. But in the meanwhile, they've created 200,000 cans of blackberry milkshake, flavor of beer. I mean, if they can't sell them to the beer box companies, I think they then repackage them as a kind of cleaning fluid and sell them to like primary schools to clean the whole. In fact, this thing about the French wine, it was the common story was, but they were having to re-package it at something else. In fact, they were. It was that was part of how they were to get rid of all the spare wine.

Well, there's a new thing with wine, isn't there, which is like trendy wine. You were over this? No. So wine used to be the bottle of bottle of wine used to have a sort of your options are a picture of a shadow. Picture of a shadow. That's the one I always go for, a nice black and white grainy looking picture of a shadow. I don't like a picture of like a crab playing a bandje. So that's the classic wine bottle. And then some kind of old fashioned looking font that says something like,

Well, if you look closely, it says, it actually says, this was collected from bar flaws in Derby. Yeah. If you actually, but you don't, you don't, because you see the picture of the Toronto and you just go for it. And it's 499. Here's a question for you.

Yeah. Larger wise, I like a larger, right? Err, errr, errr, er right? Yeah, only flesh and blood, mate. Is there a difference between any of the lagers? Well, I've got no idea, because not to me, I've never known the difference between any. I don't really have a drink. I'm just pretending in public.

I mean, I, if you say a bit cold, I don't know if it's going on. Yeah, maybe it doesn't matter. Isn't that the key? Was lager? It's just a glass of cold. Of cold. Of gas, of quite relaxing cold.

So my theory is that Laga, right, it's all the same. But the difference is the branding, right? So they've decided like, so Peroni, they're just trying to tap into. Yeah, I like it when it sounds Italian or something. I thought, if I'm buying a life, let's go for a Peroni. I'll go for a Meretti because I like the picture of the go with the hat.

Yeah, so for me, meretti's more like rural Italy. It's, you know, a dinner on the, in a sort of village square, children running away. Old man playing in a corner. Garlic family scene. Cat with one eye. A burgeoning fascist movement. Ha half an hour. That's something.

Perfect. And a beautiful stream running through the valley that if you swim in, you'll be dead in minutes because of the toxic flow from that nalangreta. Yes. Large undue just sausages. Pouring out of every one. From the heads of uncles. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's mereti. Peroni is more like your sort of metropolitan streets of Milan, Armani's suit. Yeah. Yeah. So that's meretti. Peroni is more like your sort of metropolitan streets of Milan, Armani's suit. Yeah. I mean, that's that Italy. Tight squeaky leather shoes on Sockless feet. Sexier, useful and sleep. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. If you just listen, just everyone's trousers ripping all the time because everyone's so tight. Every time everyone leans over or picks up a part of Parmesan, this trousers of ripping because it's so tight If you're not getting through six pairs of trousers in a day then you forget it you waste your time and then obviously

Quarantineburg 1664 the French Lager With 1664 is is hiking back to a kind of medieval Past also what happened in 1664? That's a bit of that's that's in Dan chat. That was in it right there I'm looking it up. Oh wow. Okay. So the Croninburg Brewery was founded in 1664 by Geronimus Hat. Okay. Keep bloody talking. In the free Imperial City of Strasbourg, which was part of the Holy Rowan Empire. Wow. Geronimus hat. Things like Cronimburg,

that they have this little bit of heritage element to their branding, whatever. The thick is all that branding, all those stories, there's narratives, there's histories, all then get flattened out to these are just cold, cheap things in an offy that people used to get pissed. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? There's two things going on at the same time there. There's drawn a mishat. There's medieval Europe. Yeah. There's the Holy Roman Empire. Yeah. And then there's some lands on a train getting through a bag of carling.

Exactly. So this kind of, yeah. And then there's the American ones. There's like, cause lights, bird lights. Sun. Though those have got like a sort of, in my head anyway, it's like, I'm imagining a guy drinking it and driving at the same time,

and then shooting a sign as he drives past, you know that kind of thing. Yeah. He's got a cool box on the passenger seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And a big dog mixed to it. I think for me beer is an area where it's like, I just think like growing up sort of teenage years.

It's a bit of a rites of passage of sort of becoming an adult. It was like knowing about beer, suddenly beer was around. Being able to talk a good game. Yeah, and some people knew about it and knew about associations with it. Because I remember you'd go into an offy and did all these very similar cans lined up. And you'd reach for one and somebody going, oh, you're not a fosters guy, are you? Oh, yeah, do you know what you fosters is?

And they'd be loads of social. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And then Stella had associations, but I just didn't know what the hell anyone was talking about. But I remember one point I thought Grohlsh was good and no, no reason why.

I liked Grohlsh purely because of the glass bottles with the flaky little top. Yeah, flaky little top is like a toy the glass bottles with the flicky little top. Yeah, flicky little top. There's like a toy at the top, basically, flicky little top. I suppose maybe that was it. It was just a bit of fun, but also in your hand. But also Henry, in the mid 90s, Groalf did a bit of a push where, if you ever watched the film Sliding Doors, you know what, I've actually never seen that film, but I remember about 10 years ago, someone said to me, do you want to watch Sliding Doors tonight? And there was a real moment where I was like, I could watch it or maybe I won't.

And I didn't. And that person who said should we watch it was Andy McDowell. And that night I met up with and started having an affair with John Hannah. And Andy McDowell as not in the film. But she could have been. Could have been.

That's a sliding doors moment. She had a moment when she was asked, do you want to audition for the film sliding doors? And that was that she always does still describes that as a sliding doors moment. And the next day it happened again and and then it happened again, and that was her ground dog day. Ah! It's good stuff this for the new series, that is quite good, Jim. We're saying that I'm still. If you watch sliding doors, every time they have a beer, it's a grouch.

I really. And the grouch label is very much turned towards the camera. And then I was watching it thinking they might have some kind of deal here, this is uncanny. And then they must have done because there's a bit where they go into a bar and the guy just goes just a couple of grouches, please. That doesn't happen in films. Yeah, you don't give the brand an affair. We just say beer and also this a bit where they make love and they work where John Hannon's climaxing and he goes, oh, grouch, sure. And in order to climax, yes, to flick the little top off the end of his well, he doesn't he? And in order to climax, yes, to flick the little top off the end of his well, he does me.

And then she goes, oh, don't finish too quickly. He wades, all right, then, all right, hand, give me a second. And he starts looking at a pack of skull. He's got a pack of skull. I was just looking at this. He's at last longer. Because it was that time when his cross face, wasn't it, at the time? Yeah.

Isn't skull the company that makes those special classes you put on your feet if you get a blister? Yeah. Yeah. And those are fermented over years. You know, Hamburg, brewery. Okay, let's read your emails. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster

Anything for me? Just some old shit When you send an email This represents progress Like a robot, shooing a horse Define your horse Roof robot chewing a horse. Diff me your horse. Go for it. Yes! My beautiful horse.

Okay, thanks for having me sent us an email. Now, before the break, you might remember that something of a competition was brewing based on who would listen to the podcast at the highest altitude, not including plain travel. Oh, yes. Because where was the last lot? Mount Fuji. Mount Fuji. So the top of Mount Fuji was our winner.

But then since then, we've had a couple of other contenders. Oh. Paul writes, Mount Fuji is so far the highest listened to 3-Binsuit in a non-aircraft environment. However, I'm afraid that it's too easily beaten as I've listened to you in the car at the top of Mount Evans in Colorado, which is also the highest paved road in the USA. Wow. Where was that place? Colorado. Yeah, Mount Evans. I think Colorado. Do you know that in Colorado, there's a free bus. There's a free bus.

Go on. End of anecdotes. Yeah. Isn't that incredible? Well, here, like in my look, Larry, you can get free bus from Asda into town. Really? Yeah. There's no interesting of the free bus there, is there? Oh, apparently there's two.

There's one card if I want to Colorado. Where does the free bus take you in the Colorado? Denver Airport to the top of Mount Evans. It's in Denver. And it takes you up towards the Denver, I think it's called the Cherry Street Shopping Mall or something. I'll check. Denver Airport's the one that famously is the world headquarters

of the Illuminati, isn't it? Is it? Is it? Bloody hell. Yeah, that's the one that's, there's loads of conspiracies attached to it. Is it? Denver Airport, there's all kinds of you. Have you ever Googled it? Bloody hell. Yeah, that's the one that's, there's loads of conspiracies attached to it. Is it? Denver Airport, there's all kinds of, if you get out of that Google, there's a thousand and one conspiracy associated with Denver Airport because of its design and shape and people, there's various people that believe that there's all sorts of, there's a whole kind of subterranean world beneath. Really? Which might be a sort of military bunker or a...

All linked with illuminati base base all linked by free free transport links free free exactly that free monorails free free free free buses precisely. So Paul comes in with mounts mount Evans and breezy is what he's just driven up there right the other guy's there to actually hock the way up a mountain. Yeah, this just he's just got his his cool box full of cores Just to be clear we're measuring height from the center of the earth Nothing yeah, it's all right not from ground level of course he ground can be different heights

Why he's not a thing people if you see level is the We're doing that See these not all at the same level, is it? Come on. Is it? Yeah. Or we could do it the other way. We could do it high down from all bits. That's a good point.

We'll go for the shortest one. You prefer Henry. Or from the top of Henry Packer's head. When standing. I just think if you look at about height relatively, who's to say the top of Mount Fuji? And he's saying the top of this mountain Colorado is higher, measured from sea level on each side, is it? I don't know where the phrase on each side comes into it.

Okay, now I think it checks out to him. That's check out. Sorry, carry on. Okay, then we've had an email from Joe. Yeah. And Joe shares an image with us actually, which I will share with you. Oh, Joe. Wow, that's a good photo.

Yeah, Joe really means business there. Well, he doesn't like he's enjoying the podcast very much, so does he? From his face, very depression. He's actually not smiling at always, but look at absolute grim determination on his face. But that might be quite normal. That might be how it's just generally received.

So do you think it's a kind of altitude training? If you can listen to our level of banter at high altitude? Maybe people need that level of fury to go up, Johnalena's a motor. Right, okay, yeah. Either it irritates you, just as you can march up a mountain or it puts you to sleep. Well, obviously, we are pervasive lukewarm banter

at altitude, I think the boiling point lowers, is that right? Yes. So actually we're getting closer to hot banter. Well it's because the banter becomes less dense because it's less air pressure. So the banter can just evaporate even though it's just lukewarm. Yeah. But what will happen is if he then comes down the hill of the mountain, he'll then find a banter cloud forming over his head. He'll get a banter cloud forming over his head.

He'll find that he listens to the podcast much more easily. If you can listen to it at high altitude, you come down and he'll be listening to the podcast because he'll just have sort of condensation anecdotes just dripping off him. Just dripping off him. Would you like to know where he is listening to this? Hello Beans, on holiday in Alpine Chamony. Chamony. Chamony.

I listened with interest to hear of Will and Owens claim to the highest altitude. At Mount Fuji height, the height of which is 3776 meters. The next day, I subsequently hopped in the world's steepest cable car. To ascend to Aguil de Midi. This did not involve any hiking, climbing, loss of feeling in my hands or any form of brainal hypoxia, practically no effort at all. At the mountain's upper station, I proceeded to whip out my earbuds and listened to the podcast at a height of 3,777 metres. Beatting Will & Air

Inge record by a single metre. Oh, that's cruel. That's cruel, but if I like it. That's a proper bonderman move there, Joe. That is a bonderman move. Zero effort, one metre. I apologise for this galling act of wind upmanship, but I now claim the record for the three-been salad, highest altitude listen, brackets non-aircraft cascari, so suck it. Wow, does that beat Paul? Hang on, does that beat Paul and Colorado?

Well, I don't think so, because we need to look up how tall Mount Evans is. And maybe that should have read out those emails in a different order. Ha ha ha ha feel a bit sorry for Mount Evans as a mount because whenever you google it you put Mount Ev in first. And let's put it this way. Mount Evans is not the first Mount Ev on the internet. Gonna have to try out what is Mount Everest. I see of course. I was thinking Mount Evian. And of course, Mount Evian, the famous mountain, I picked it on the Evian bottles.

The perfect Alpine Peak that that people spend the whole lives looking for. So Mount Evians, I believe, is actually quite a lot taller. It's, um, if you went to the very top, I don't know where the paved road goes. No. But the top of the mountain is 4,348 meters. Straight up, that's measured straight up, isn't it? We really need to straight up from the bottom, rather than from the seat, because the seat level isn't from the nearest seat. It's not a huge sort of stretch down in the line for the seniors. as the Crow walks, you might be walking a lot further to go up a mountain that's less high if it's got a wider spiral profile. If it's wider, because obviously you walk around, it's like peeling an orange, isn't it?

You walk around a mountain, you spiral up it, You round and round. I think it's straight up necessarily depending on how steep it is. So I'm going to say that Will and Erin who went up Mac Fuji still win in the category of altitude distance to the podcast at an altitude you have ambulated yourself to. Are you changing the, okay, because I'm just a few cats going, I think that road does go higher. Yeah, so I think that the Mount Heaven's scenic byway. It's called. Yeah, okay. So I think, I think Will and Aaron,

because they perigrated themselves to the top of Mount Fuji. Yeah. They win so far in the category of high-saltitude under self-pogrenation, obviously, to the podcast. I think that Joe is no longer a winner in any category, sadly, and Paul is the winner of high-salitude using a vehicle or other non-paragrenatory pledge. Can I say, strictly speaking, should we be allowing for what level do they live their average day?

That's a good cascading, there's another good cascading. Yeah, I like that. No, but in terms of the distance between that and the top of this mountain, because where are you travelling from? For example, if you live through a floor, floor's blozy level, you can in theory ads, floor floor floor. You can add that in theory to your how far you've gone up that day to get to the top. But why is someone just very high above sea level?

Exactly. You've got to go all the way down and then back up again. The mother had to have twice the route. Well, maybe she could have done half the distance. All I'm saying is a job. If you measure something from A to B in a race, everyone starts at the same point. But we haven't made that. We haven't allowed for that necessarily in our calculations. I mean,

there's an argument that you should average out, you're high above C level over the previous say month. Okay. And factor that in. And is that a neat tied Henry? When should that be in terms of the title mark? But again, great question. I think obviously sea level changes, isn't it? Good point, Mike. Anyway, if you're listening and you think that you have beaten some sort of geographical record, visa, V-list into the podcast, do get in touch. This might be a bit 70s, doesn't it? But how about we fund a Latin American right wing militia? We fund a... That's what I'm saying. I was just wondering. Because it hasn't happened for a while.

I mean, maybe it's not about time to actually think about it. No, two people listen to the podcast in front of famous world monuments. Okay. Why is that 70s? I do not think I'm thinking Taj Mahal. Taj Mahal Taj Mahal I'm the side of the Taj Mahal the service entrance of the Taj Mahal so this is essentially a new format point which is Have you listened to three been started near the Taj Mahal great

Center for This is from Alex Dearest Beans I got lost down a rabbit hole of Wikipedia pages of books that have been made into movies. And I stumbled across a Mr. Robert Ludlam, who rose to fame as the creator of a certain Mr. Jason Bourne. I was reading his biography and was reminded of a time in a recent episode where you all made up ridiculous names for thriller novels, such as The Octopus Delimmer. I remember that episode.

The Crimson Briefcase. You think that that wasn't it? Yeah, that was good. Reading Mr. Douglas Bibliography was arguably the highlight of my day, as the majority of his novels have wonderfully ridiculous titles, please take the time to read through the select list. Yeah, lovely. Okay, so now time for a dramatic reading of the titles of novels by Robert Lutland.

The Scarleti inheritance. The Osteman. This just sounds like a bad holiday. Where we should never should have gone, we never should have gone to France with the Ostemans. There's a, there's a, sorry, it's the Ostermen weekend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The Gemini Contenders The Rhineman Exchange The Holcroft Covenant The Aquatain Progression The Scorpio Illusion The Paris Option

That feels like what they should have come for the Paris we shouldn't have gone for the ultimate weekend We had the Paris Option right in front of us Great little hotel, we know we like the bistro next door, we know we like it. We could have used the train instead of flowing or with a greener, and finally the bancroft strategy. Which sounds like the least successful business self-help book I've ever published. Are you failing to reach your potential?

Have you tried the Bancroft strategy? That's right. We took the wisdom of banking and crafting and putting together into one lifestyle choice, Bancroft Day. You'll be lending people money from a tiny head in the Highlands. So thanks Alex, those are phenomenal and I think if I'm going to read one of them, I'm

going to start off with, it's one of them, that's my reading list for this many years. I mean, those are absolutely brilliant. What's he called again Robert Ludlam? Yeah. Do you think he knew what, I mean, do you think like he just, he would almost stick a finger in a dictionary kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you've got essentially the second half of it is always just any noun. You've got the, then you've got a name and then you've got any noun. So I'm going to make

a name right now for a Robert Luddland book. Yeah. Hmm. Exciting, isn't it? Yeah. This is happening. So first I'm going to do random name generator. Yeah. And then I'm going to do random noun generator. I'm assuming these things exist. Okay. Okay. I'm just going to pro, okay. I need to choose where it's from. What country? Let's go southern European. Let's Portuguese I'm going for. Thank you. Okay, think about it.

You're in Heathrow terminal three. Yeah. Got 40 minutes. Till check in. You've got your preta monitor sandwich. You sandwich, you've forgotten to get a book, your N.W.H. Smith, it jumps out of you from the book from the shelf, do you buy the Antonia That's a plausible name. What? The Antonio Baskit?

Yeah. The Antonio Baskit. That sounds like a very different type of novel to the Leatherlands, isn't it? So, I mean, he's gonna have to write under a different pen name for that, I think. It's time for Mr. Bollock and the Week. Accessing listener, Bollicking. Bollicking loading. Bollicking loaded. This is from Chris and he says this is a proxy Bollicking. I write with you today with not a Bollocking loaded. This is from Chris and he says this is a proxy-bollocking.

I write with you today with not a ballocking, but with news of a proxy-bollocking. Okay. One morning meeting at work, I was ambushed with a request for a fun fact. I did not have any fun facts. I had been listening to your Loch Ness monster episode on the way in, and so the fact I had to hand with the following. Lake Orrid is not the deepest lake in Europe. episode on the way in. And so the fact I had to hand with the following. Lake Orrid is not the deepest lake in Europe. Lake Orrid does not contain Europe's

oldest trout. And Loch Ness, despite being very deep, does in fact have a bottom. These were deemed unsatisfactory. And after being ridiculed and given a verbal warning for wasting company time, I went with Ants Don't Sleep, which I've since found out is also not true. It's a good pun though, it's a good pun. Please consider this a bolicking by proxy. So I think the idea was that we have been blocked for the meager state of the facts that we were able to. Because we could fill this head with crap. Yeah. I think communally, I think maybe we should just take that one.

I mean, I certainly think we certainly have a share of the blame there. Biking acceptance. And finally, an email from Rowan. Hello Rowan. To your beans, it occurred to me while I was listening to the episode The Essence of Fear, that there are no visualizations of what the bean machine might look like. I immediately got to work putting together

a kind of police sketch of the machine, and I've already sent it to the UN Court of Human Rights, the WHO, and the who. Enjoy. So, Rowan has sent us this image. This maybe doesn't make for great podcasting, but we will share these images. Yeah, it's absolutely brilliant. The image is done. It's very, very good. Roan's hit the nail on the head. It's quite horrifying, isn't it? The way that he's

bloodied my lower torso. Yes. Yes, he hasn't held back on that. Anyway, thanks for that Roan. We'll put that up on social media. Thank you very much indeed. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com 4th slash 3rd beat and salad. Thanks for everything signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. You can get a monthly bone set on there. Also recently for Sean Beam tier members,

we put up the audio of our live show at the McKinney Festival, which you can now listen to, which involves amongst other things, learning the horrifying truth about how it is that she permilked. Oh, yeah. That's right. A real revelation for all everyone who was there. Yeah, it was, isn't it?

There's a jaw drop moment. And also it showed the, what will, you know, one day, be seen as a historic moment, which is the first ever edition of Ask That Crab. Was it? Wasn't it called Crab As a Christie or something? Basically, a really strong crab segment. A very strong live feature, a really strong live crab feature.

Will the live crab feature, which we should say doesn't involve a live crab, we kill crab just before coming on stage? No crab, live or dead. Will you be doing that same crab feature in our upcoming London podcast festival show? 100%. Yeah. Okay. It's going to be featuring heavily in all three

of our shows. Yeah, worth mentioning that tickets for streaming that are still available. There's no more tickets for being in the room. Although I think some might be released maybe on the day or something, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I think there might be a few more released. But basically, if you want to watch a grab a streaming ticket, I'll put a link to that in the show notes or search King's Place on Bing. So do check out the Patreon if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, not only do you get access to our live show audio, you get a little shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean lounge. You were there last night when you Mike? Sure was and you sure do.

Because last night, well, there was a big one, a bit of a gap after the summer. So last night it was the... Was it the skulls with candles in their eyes, Jembellsail? It was. Thank you, Ben. And is my report? It's September, the spring of autumn, and what better way to market than were the traditional skulls with candles in their eyes, jumble-sale, with all proceeds going to Shawn Beans fund for the construction of a Shawn Beans themed cruise ship that's too big to fit through the

straight of Gibraltar. Jack offer a claimed to have installed beeswax candles in the skull eyes of Richard III, but DNA testing revealed the skull to infect belonged to a honeybedger, and the candles to be eyes and the honeybedger to be in the prime of life. The humiliated honeybedger took it out on the trussletables of Stephen Daniels and Amy the Antqueen Taylor, the trusslet bench of Lizzy Martin, and the trusslet shoes of Ben Mercer, leading to a mass spillage of hot soy wax which engulfed and set around Jamie McBride and Andrew Vincent. Ever the opportunist, Darcy Snow 84 installed these bespoke man candles into an 18-foot high beast of unknown

origin skull, which Heather II had been illegally lit by Pantheobishop and Alex Walker with phone torches and was at risk of being ejected and destroyed. All now being well, the skull was purchased by Pippa Pobolis City Procick Mimum for a record £48,000 and is currently being used to light his priceless beanbag display chamber. Sidejub the photographer, sold floating candles and the liquefied skull of a Larry goose for £2 a pop. Stephanie Bond sold shares in the future use of the skull of Joseph Bertwistle, who sold unscald votive candles at 8 euros a pair, including a voucher for Darren Foreman's

candles skull insertion service, which is currently under investigation by Clementine Lloyd for breaching the wax bastard's accountability act of 1862. Matthew Forbes' metal-wicked birthday candles and the eyes of the skull of an orix was hotly anticipated, but wholly overshadowed by Susie's sparklers in Baybury Wax, Crab skull in Ferno. Sarah Lewis was arrested on route for openly displaying a lit skeletal menezery on a double-decker bus. The person who asked not to have their name read out to the thing we won't mention publicly, and Sandra Eppink's vol skulls with mini-tlights were a smash hit in the impulse jumble. Thanks all.

Okay, that's the podcast. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of the listeners. He's kind of the king of the theme tune, I would say. It's Connor. Connor! Connor again, yes. Connor's back. What's Connor done now?

He says it's my seventh submission now. Wow. And for the previous six, I've designed it in such a way to spark a guitar-related conversation. The kind that makes Henry want to turn into a slug and dive headlong into a salt cellar. Very true. Not this time. This theme has vocals. Oh, I love vocals.

And baritone sacks. It's my favorite kind of sacks. So smooth. So melifluous. There is some guitar for melody and chords, but as an olive branch extension to Henry, I've excluded the usual dull bastard factor. Apologies to Mike and Ben. Venus Twishes. Connor. Thank you, Connor. Thank you very much. I'm excited about this. Wonderful. And thanks everyone for listening. See you next time. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ� I lied.

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