Three Bean Salad - Best Of Series Two

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

Take yourself back to August/September 2021 and enjoy this compilation of highlights from our second series. From King Kong to Amelia Earhart.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Yeah. Hi, Mike. It's Ben here. Yeah. So I thought I put together a best of series two episode. Right. Just because I thought people really liked the best of series one episode we did a while ago. And yeah, great. So I just wondered, I'm just doing the intro really. So I don't really, yeah, it's not going to take long, is it? Because I am. So you've done that fine. I mean, I pretty don't need me though. Well, I just thought like, because we're not doing a proper intro, because we're not, you know, because, as you say, we're on a month off. So I just thought maybe I could ring you and you could just do a bit of an, you know, do what you do, you know,

this doesn't really feel like my remit. Then it only does the art. You do the work side of things. Right. And I, I mean, I don't really know why I'm there. But I mean, that's irrelevant. I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm up by eyeballs. I can't be recording intros and stuff. I've got I've got months off, kids in school. This is my one bit of time. I'm reordering my lacqueries. I'm sorting my lacqueries out. Okay. And that's, that's an absolute time over. No, okay. Now I do get that because I'm trying to, I've done alphabetical in the past. I've done chronological. I'm now doing, I'm trying to reorder it and reordering it in order of preference for rereading. Right. Which is, which is tough. Because at the beginning, it's easy. You've got

your tinkety, your honourable schoolboy, much underrated and smiley people. Okay, fine, done, easy. And then it starts getting tricky immediately. You know, I mean, is it, is it, is it called for the dead? Is it small town in Germany? I know the constant gardener is the bottom one. And if you appell, you've reupholstered the display cabinet, right? Well, no, I mean, even then, I'm trying to get that done. What I really want, I want them behind an iron curtain, literally. So I can say I'm going behind the iron curtain, but trying to find someone in Devon that makes iron curtains is absolute. It's a bloody nightmare then. Okay, but I'm doing a lot of miles. I've been going to, I've gone to the sport is in

near brod blacksmiths in Dundee. There's a guy I found in the Art of Sheffield. Get me into old steelworks. I mean, do you see what I mean? I'm busy. I don't have time for this. No, no, I get it. No, it's okay. I'm really sorry I rang. I know you said like, don't, don't contact me under any circumstances for at least a month. So yeah, yeah, this is an absolute emergency. Get on with your work, please, Ben. And I'll see you. I'll see you in December. Alright, thanks, Mike. Good. Bye.

He's very busy. So busy, boy. Let's try Henry. Hi, Henry, it's Ben. Yeah, yeah. Hi. So basically, I know it's our month off. And I know, you know, I don't know what you're doing, but I thought I'd make a best of series two episode. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't care. I thought it's the month off. I don't know why you're bothering me.

Well, it's just because obviously we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not recording together. We're not recording together, we're not recording together. Well, it's just because obviously we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not recording together like normal. So we're not able to do like a proper intro for it. I'm on a yacht, right? I'm on, I'm on, I'm on Amon Holmes' yacht. And I'm trying to relax. That's, that's what I do for this month. Yeah. And I'm trying to have a good time. He's lent me his yacht. Is, is Amon there?

Yeah, he's here as well. Yeah. He's, he's lent me, he's also staying on it for the month, which basically means I have to pay for the upkeep, but he still gets to, well, he gets to where the little captain's at, he gets to stay in the captain's lodge. He basically gets all the usual privileges, but I pay, obviously they're the piss day. So I've got not a good move, but I'm trying to maximise it. So we're, he's, he's, well, he's, we're wrestling with Marlin at the moment. So we, I don't want to miss out on the fun, that's what I'm saying. So No, no, that's, no, that's okay. I think, yeah. Okay. Well, I just wondered if you had

like a couple of words, just, you know, just for the listener, you know, thank you for listening. Who for? Speak for you. Well, no, to become part of the introduction to the best of episode. Sorry, I mean, he's wrestling an absolutely massive Marlin. It's absolutely wrong. I don't think I've ever seen him, but he's missing it. They're wrestling on the deck. Absolutely incredible. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I shouldn't have rung you. The Marlin's winning. The Marlin is absolutely tasting over.

Um, yeah, so, so really keen to move on to this. You want a couple of words? Yeah. Who for? So it was it for you or for the listener? Just to say thank you for listening, that kind of thing. Yeah, cheers, whatever. Bye. I'm coming over. Right. So there we have it. Well wishes from both Mike and Henry there. Thanks for tuning in. And I hope you enjoy this best of series two.

You know what? It's King Kong in a way. It's quite weird, isn't it? That film's called King Kong, because surely it's the fact there's dinosaurs there. It's more interesting than a massive monkey. That's such a good point. Who cares about the massive monkey? There's dinosaurs. Yeah, I know what a monkey is. Just a bigger than a monkey. I'm not interested. Sorry. Let's bring that back on the second trip, shall we? Maybe if we come back, it's nice to come back to the same place sometimes because you

really get a feel for it. If we come back, we'll visit the monkey. I don't care if the monkey's holding a human woman. It's a monkey. Who cares? I don't care if he's struck up as a weird relationship with the blonde lady. It doesn't matter because there's literary T-Rex over here. Literature f***ing T-Rex, mate. Are you f***ing joking? You want us to go and see the monkey in this f***ing cave? How much this f***ing holiday cost us? It's complete waste. You always ruin holidays. What's the f***ing point? It's supposed to be relaxing as well. Work all year. It's supposed to be relaxing. Jesus Christ. It's like going to Peru and saying, oh, should we go and visit the subway? You're joking.

You've heard it's a really big subway. It's one of the biggest subways, isn't it? Yeah, big monkey. Who cares? I can draw a picture of a f***ing monkey right now and hold it up close to my face for a big monkey. Oh, great. Now we're fighting the monkey. You want to take the monkey back to display it to people when there's a f***ing electricity at T-Rex. You want to take the monkey back to America? Are you mad? Sorry. I'm pissed off. You know what? Sometimes you have to go on holiday to realize that a relationship actually might not be what you wanted. I don't know. I'm sorry. Let's just both go for a walk separately.

Watch out for the velociraptors, okay? Watch out for the velociraptors. I don't want you getting eaten. I'm frustrated with you. I don't want you getting eaten. Yeah, I'm really, really pissed off. We'll meet back at the hotel tonight. They're doing the International Buffet, aren't they? They're doing paella. If we don't get there early, they always pinch all the muscles out. They'll pinch the muscles and prawns. So look, let's breathe. Let's spend the afternoon separately. But let's still get to the paella thing at six. Let's just get to the paella thing at six, because I do basically love you. I still love you.

Let's go and see the monkey come on. Let's go and take that bloody monkey back to America. Let's do it. There was a teacher who was in the TA who claimed that he was in the SAS bit of the TA, which I don't know if that exists. It doesn't make any sense to me. No. Why would the most elite part of the army have some people who only do it on the weekend? I know. Most people sort of took it as red. Who's telling the truth, but always seemed a bit run to me. So if the government has a hyper-secret mission, which isn't that dangerous, but it's very, very secret, and will be wrapped up by Sunday evening, because we've got to be back to the school on Monday. It's got to be wrapped up by Sunday evening.

It's going to be quite hard. Not impossible, not mega hard. So what we need is too hard, and the actual SAS platoon, they're all, they're being creeped, so they're kind of a bit of a breather at the moment. So what we need to do is we need to fly a crack squad of TASAS people. We needed a geography teacher. We need a mechanic. We need a nurse auxiliary. Go. We're going to fly you to Prague, just on a commercial air flight, because it's not that secret. So you've got to book that yourself. You're getting on Friday night. I would go for fly bee, if I could. Fly bee. Good carrier. Fly bee, good. The leg room's not a pistachio.

You're getting Friday night. Now, the job doesn't start till 10 o'clock on Saturday morning, so you will have Friday to yourselves, but please don't go too heavy, because you do have work the next day. You do have work the next day. Now. But you will get a drinks voucher, and £10 per deems. Yeah. Okay, on Saturday morning, your destination is the German Embassy. Just next door to it, there's a coffee shop. Because the mission isn't important enough to involve the ambassador. Well, it's a coffee shop come youth hostel, isn't it? It's a coffee shop come youth hostel, and it's quite near the Embassy.

And one of the colonels from the actual army left his phone there when he was on holiday, and your job, if you choose to accept it, and you can choose because you're in the reserve, so you don't have to if you don't want to, is to try and get that phone back, please. Plus the whole mission isn't that important, but it's quite important, and it's near the end. He can replace his phone quite easily if it would just be a phone call, really, but he likes the case. And he hasn't backed up everything to the cloud, so it's very important. Now, he thinks he may have left it inside the box of a board game,

because it's a coffee come youth hostel. They've got some board games to live in the communal area. Now, you're going to need your language skills, because these board games may be German language editions. So, for example... Das Monopoly. Das Monopoly. Das Scrabble. Das Clüder. Of course, Kaplunk is a German word. Kaplunk is already a German word. But you may have to pluralise it to Kaplunken if there are two books.

To Kaplunken. But Kaplunk is one of those wonderful German words. They have a word for everything. And Kaplunk is the noise made when a horse that's heavily laden drops a load of stuff that's been carrying. No, that's not Kaplunk. You've got mixed up between... What's that? Puppet pirate? No, what's the one with the donkey? That's something else. Exactly. Kaplunk is the German sound of lots of marbles falling through a sort of thing with lots of rods through it. Exactly. And that's why we need that level of expertise.

That's why you're in the TASAS. What's the donkey one called? The donkey one's called Mr. Banjo or something. Flipper hippo? Horsey, horsey stress. Hungry donkey. Mega mules. No, it's called Wakadoodle.

What's it called? It's called Wakado. And you have to put a lot of old timey kind of mining equipment on it. Kajanken. Bucking bronco? Bronco. Kajanken. Pajanken.

What's it called? Buckaroo. Buckaroo. Das buckaroo. Das buckaroo. Yeah, so the colonel, he was staying in the Uthossel because he's not that high up. So he can't just stay in Uthossels. He may have left his phone inside one of the board games

when clearing it up at the end of the night, possibly. Or you can just not bother. He has already said that he really doesn't mind. He doesn't mind. If you've got plans this weekend, fair play. Thank you for your service. Then you will return by hovercraft in the dead of night. From Prague.

Yeah, it's going to be quite a bumpy journey because it's going to have a long time before you get to the sea. From Prague, across Germany and northern France. And it takes diesel, by the way, please. Diesel. Now, here's your equipment. This is a pencil, but it appears to be just a pencil. But if you look at the other end, it has a small rubber on it.

You can use this to make any notes. We probably won't need to make any notes because mission is pretty simple. Here is your suicide tablet. We couldn't afford cyanide. So it is paracetamol. You will have to take about 40 of these. And it's going to take a bloody long time.

But again, it's very unlikely that you'll need it because this whole mission is a very low interest on an international level. So please don't take them. Whatever you do, unless you've got a bit of a bond-sake. And this is a lonely planet for Berlin. It's 1997. I used it in my gap year.

And obviously, you're going to Prague. So you may be able to swap this. There might be some general tips in it, some general travelling advice. There's normally a bit of the front that's quite good. There's normally... And also, one European town is very much like another in terms of... Yeah, there might be a central square,

a big cafe is dotted around, pretty much. Map-wise, there's certainly... Humans tend to settle cities in a similar... There will be straight things which will be roads. Other straight lines will come off them. That'll be other roads. So a lot of the principles are the same in terms of the map, which does fold out.

Yeah, but there is a corner missing from when I had to use it to wipe my arse when I was staying in the youth hostel in Bavaria. And I don't know, toilet paper. Also, I thought... But actually, I didn't realise that it was just... It was on a pole behind the system that I hadn't seen. So I took out the... I think it was the municipal baths, the Prague baths.

To have a Berlin bath. Again, I don't... You don't see a difference between... I don't massively distinguish between European cities. That's probably why I'm in charge of the TSS. TSS gets not seen as being that crucial in terms of distinction. I'm not sure if these plans go wrong. Okay.

Plans go wrong. In fact, in World War II, my father proclaimed that he'd taken Moscow when, in fact, he'd just taken Calais. That caused great problems across the Western Front. And also, he hadn't actually taken Calais. I know he'd just taken his family to Calais. What turned out to be a really disappointing holiday. It's not much to do around there.

It's still quite water on. Still quite water on. But you've got to get away, haven't you? You've got to get away. He's got to get away. Even if it's in occupied territory. Can I say I had a similar moment at school when Dr. Customs, who was my biology teacher,

was teaching us about plant reproduction. And he had to say the word gonads in front of the class. That was my moment of like, you know what? I could see myself knocking about. Of all boys, right? Yeah, exactly. A class of boys. So he said, and he said, and it was a diagram.

And he said, and as you see here, the gonads, as soon as he said the gonad, the entire class, obviously, cranked up laughing. It was just a funny thing that never happened. Absolutely. By miles. And what he did was he insisted on repeating it from beginning. He went, excuse me, I'll start again.

Now, as you can see here, the gonads, and we all, we all cranked up every time. And he did it again and again and again. Getting more furious. Exactly, what he's trying to prove, Dr. Customs. And he was trying to prove that the word gonads isn't funny. But it loses its potency over time. Yeah.

But he's wrong. Exactly. And if anything, especially as a teacher of science, he basically just conducted an experiment that proved, you know, beyond doubt. His null hypothesis. The word gonads. This is not funny.

It's actually incredibly funny. And to think he's conducted that experiment year on year. I mean, you were the first. He knows that's coming every year. Yeah. He's dreading, he's dreading that day. March the third every year. Gonad day.

And he starts getting grumpy with his family in the two weeks before that. And his wife, we're talking to the children, just, just, just, just be easy on your father at the moment. You know, you know, you know, gonad day's coming up. There's the big G, the big sparkly G that we put on the calendar. But man, why doesn't, you know, gonads is funny? Shh, please.

Harriet, stop it. Why doesn't he just say it once and then carry on with the lesson? Why doesn't he just not teach those smirking bastards that bit of the book? Fine. They'll lose a percent of their exams. Forget them. Stuff them. Exactly.

Skip it out. Move on. Henry, are you telling me that also that, that plants have got gonads? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They got dicks. They got balls. They got, they got, plants have got the, it's absolutely, it's hard.

They've got the full human genitalia. They've got the full human genitalia. Uh-oh. Lewed content warning. Lewed content, content, content. Daffodils have got four skins, Ben. Daffodils have got four skins. A tulip is basically a circumcised daffodil.

They are absolutely disgusting and they're doing it in light, in plain sight. Three in 100 sunflowers have got cock rings. That's just it. Lots of sunflowers have cock rings. People weren't talking about it before. Yeah. Wow. That's where Prince Albert got the idea.

Oh, oh, Mike. You've mentioned Prince Albert. We can play the new royal jingle I made. Ho-ho! Bring it on. All stand for the king. We're entering the regal zone. Regal zone.

Off with their heads. On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisors. The regal zone. I think that maybe for Dr. Custons, he'd be having to, you know, he'd been obviously dreading gonad day every year for, he'd been a teacher of that school for at least 20 years.

And maybe the day, my gonad day, for him was his sort of falling down moment where he was like, I'm not, I can't take this anymore. I'm going to say gonad over and over again until these children realize that I am a man who deserves respect. So he kept on repeating it the less and the thing over and over again, right? Every time slightly fewer children laughed. But then you get that stewardly thing where the laughter dies off,

then it comes back. Then it comes back again. With the power of opposition. Exactly. Exactly. So it gets less and less funny, then it starts getting funnier again. Yeah. As he becomes more agitated.

As he becomes more agitated. And as it becomes more and more clear that the word gonads is simply, no matter which way you approach it, fucking hilarious. It's a funny word. It's a funny sounding word. It's a funny sounding word. And in the lips of, you know, from the lips of Dr. Custons,

a slightly sort of befuddled, you know, elderly biology teacher, himself a man from a previous era, you know, from a different era, the kind of... When gonads were respected. Well, when gonads was how you greeted people. Gonads. Gonads too, my good man. And gonad day was a great pagan festival. Celebrated across the land.

Exactly. When men and women would all and children would all dress up as gonads. And they would walk stony faced through the streets of the villages of Britain. Draking a giant gonad. Draking a giant gonad behind them. And literally no one even cracked a smile, did they? Yeah. Bring out your gonads.

And there'd be gonad bands. There'd be where all the instruments were different, were like hollered out gonads, dried up gonads. Gonad pies, savoury and sweet. Yep. Iced gonads for the children. And gonad mead. Lashings and lashings of gonad mead.

Sweet, sweet gonad mead. And, you know, a sort of minstrel would tell tales. The gonad ear. The gonad ear. You'd gather. Everyone would gather around him and he would tell the founding myth story of the United Kingdom. Which is a giant gonad rose up through the oceans. King Alfred's father, chief gonad.

King Alfred's father, chief gonad rode that gonad out from Atlantis. Surfed across the waves. Like a gonad popping up in the bath. Like a gonad freshly, you know, enjoying its newfound buoyancy. And just popping its head over the surface of the water. As if to say, hi, I'm a gonad. And there's nothing funny about me, all right. Yep.

But yes, so he kept on repeating the gonad, this bit of the lesson. Repeated it over and over again. And he basically said, he told us he wouldn't carry on with the lesson until he could deliver the line with the word gonads in it and none of us laughed. And until that happened, we'd be stuck in what he didn't really think this through. Because actually quite an attractive proposition for us would be stuck in a situation where Dr. Custons was repeatedly saying the word gonad. For the rest of your life.

For the rest of our school days. Which basically was about as good as it could get. But he kept on repeating the line over and over again, more and more angry. But eventually the boys quietened down. We all quietened down. And basically eventually, eventually, he managed to say the line about the gonads and no one laughed. But there was this pause, this pregnant pause. Ironically, pregnant, as if inseminated by the very gonads of which he spoke.

Beautifully done, memory. No worries, mate. Chaucer-esque. And except I just, then just, I just pissed myself. Then I was the only one who laughed. There was a big pause and then I just couldn't contain myself. And I had to piss myself. And he punished me, I had to do detention.

And I had to write a four-page treat see on gonads. No. Yeah. I had to write a whole four-page thing about what gonads are and how they work. And how they're not funny. And how they're not funny. You put all the minstrel stuff in, right? All the minstrel stuff went in.

A lot of that stuff went in. Funny with the Kingdom, all that stuff went in. Have either of you ever done something that appears quite a lot in American television? Poker night with the boys. I've done a poker night with the boys. Is that what you're asking? Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Yeah, I've never, I've never been involved in this.

Well, the weird thing about poker night with the boys is, and I think why it's a game which has sort of slightly criminal or sort of dodgy associations, doesn't it, poker? Sopranos-y. It's Sopranos-y. It's not like battleships. Or UNO. Or UNO. For example.

Tony Sopranos never had a good old game of UNO, did he, at any point? No, exactly. And parents don't say, we're very worried about Sam. He seems to be getting in with the UNO crowd. That's not something that happens. I mean, yeah. Pick up four, motherfucker. I've been to a couple of poker nights with the boys.

Although that was with a couple of friends who had got very into it, including possibly starting down a slippery slope, getting a bit too into the online version of poker. And I realised I was out of my depth very quickly with that lot. Well, here's a tip, Mike. I've never actually been to one of these evenings, but I think if you start to feel out of your depth and you're not sure what's going on, you just put down your cards and go, Aces, hi.

Snake-ass. I'm pretty sure that helps. I'm not sure what it means. Three hot mummers. Coming down the chimney. All in. Texas wins. I feel the Texas wins are coming.

Say that kind of thing and then narrow your eyes while you look at the criminal nefarious types around the table. Of course, they'll be, by the way, quickly, quick rundown of the classic people around a poker table. Of course. They will be Stetson Jim. His head is the shape of a Stetson. He doesn't even have to wear one.

Yeah, there'll be Fat Steve, who's like a string bean and smokes constantly. And then there'll be Pupushka, a Russian beauty, 17 foot tall, and with fingers as long as legs. And speaking of fingers, let's not forget Fingers McGinty. Fingers McGinty, who is just a pile of fingers in a plastic bag. Isn't he? He's more of a warning. He is more of a warning and very, very, very hard to read.

Then, of course, there's Raw Dog, Dog McGlabrador, recently out of prison, maybe on day release. And he looks to all the world like an absolutely lovely labrador, doesn't he, for all the pictures? He looks like a good boy. He looks like a good boy. He's got big brown eyes, floppy blond ears, big nice warm wet tongue, but the body and attitudes of a killer.

Oh, so he's got a labrador's head, but a human body. Labrador's head. Human body. Yeah, that's Raw Dog. You've got the professor, who's a four-year-old boy, that's right. Yep. He's extremely dangerous. And then you've got the risk bot 5210 slash 00 backslash four.

Deluxe Edition, which comes with the teak finish, isn't it, and that's just a... And that's made by IBM. That's made by IBM, and it's operated by six very, very sweaty scientists. Something spooky just happened, actually, before we said hello today, which is my cat Bluebell. So they're levitating. Very, very briefly levitated before landing on the floor again. Which he was chasing a small... Spider.

And you're saying it's spooky because you said spider in that one? I thought that out. Or is that how the spider introduced itself? Arachnid. An eight-eyed arachniform. I mean, it was a small one, but from its own point of view, it was pretty big, average-sized. And Bluebell, my cat, was chasing it around. With an eye to consuming it?

With an eye to consuming it. And but the spider, which was only about the size of a pea. Perfectly round spider. It's bright green as well. And rolling around under the freezer compartment. I thought, that's a spider and a zorb. That's a spider in an untransparent zorb. Spiders, they've mastered zorb technology.

They haven't mastered the transparency effect yet. Yes. Is anyone explanation? It was on a stag do. It was a spider on a stag do. Which, you know, for spiders, obviously, they have to make that the night of their lives because they are going to get eaten, aren't they? After...

Oh, there's a lot of ride ball jokes about that. A lot of jokes about the getting eaten. And also lots of jokes about, hey, let's get legless tonight. Well, you've got eight of them, so let's get drinking. And what happened with Bluebell and the stag spider? So I was trying to think of a joke to do with the idea of a webinar. That staple of stag. You're right.

Yeah, it was a rich... It was a fool's errand. See, Bluebell was chasing this little spider, a tawny little fellow. Now, this spider was a small spider, but he had big ideas because he thought, okay, I'm going to get across this section of floor to the other side. Even though there's a cat in the way. And it turned out that Bluebell had other ideas. Bluebell wanted to dance a sort of sinister dance macabre of death.

With the spider. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah, like that. So Bluebell does this dance macabre. Well, she's meow, meow, meow. She's going up and down and meow, meow, meow. And sort of... And the spider just...

Hang on. Before we go on, can you explain exactly what you mean? So she was faced with a spider and started dancing. Yeah, that's what she does when she finds a small insect. She kind of jumps after them and then she kind of backs up and then she's kind of up on her hind legs and then she's down and she's kind of swaying. She's nearly a bit like a belly dancer or... It's very...

It's kind of erotic but laced with death. You know? La puttey moor. So she shags the spider. Oh, they've shagged. Yeah, there's no question. Uh-oh. Lewed content warning.

Lewed content, content, content. The spider is basically shaggy, but it's a work night and he's like, I just need to get the fuck out of there, get to work and I'll process this in my lunch break. Yeah. But what happened last night was absolutely mad. But it turns out the bluebells are kind of Matahari character. Exactly. A honeypoth.

Exactly. So, well, he thinks he's out the door and he can see the other side. He can see the skirting board where he works. He's thinking his mates are never going to believe it. He can't wait to get on the WhatsApp group with his mates. And they're not going to believe that he had sex with a giant sort of furry beast, literally about 50,000 times bigger than him.

And... With incompatible genitals. Completely incompatible genitals. And you know, the only slight, you know, fly in the ointment being the fact that the cat had an anal gland problem. Feline digestive tract torque. How are bluebells anal glands at the moment? Not great, actually. That this is a subset story.

Spooky. Looking for Halloween dress-up ideas? Why not dress your children as a cat's anal gland? They'll be the talk of the school. Simply insert your child's head through the aperture or anal ringpiece made out of foam. Load up those little piston guns and they can squirt genuine cat anal gland juice at their friends and teachers. No, we... Well, the anal...

What should I do? Finish the spider story or go to anal glands? Spider. Spider. Okay. I've got to find out why I'm doing this. So basically bluebells dancing... Back an alien spider.

Bluebells dancing the dance of the seven veils around this little spider. And what happens is... But bluebell... But then she decides, right... She wants to go for the kill now. She's like, I've had my fill. Is there a final move that heralds that strike? The final move is she crutches down with the paws out in front of her and her bum reared up in the air.

Oh, man. Like a sort of the shape of a ski slope of a... You know, there's long-distance ski jumpers. A ski jump. Yep. I got it the first time. Okay. And so, yeah.

So she's crouching down, bumping, yeah. But what she does is she does that. She comes right up to the spider and does that. But the spider... Bluebell has this thing. Identities might be all cats, possibly. I know that babies have the same thing. Which is they can't focus on something right in front of them.

So at this point, she comes up to the spider to give the killer blow. But the spider... It's gone. And suddenly she's cross-eyed, essentially. The spider then basically cottoned on. That the closer it got to Bluebell, Bluebell couldn't see her. This is the kind of cool. So the spider then, rather than walking away from Bluebell,

started walking towards Bluebell. Oh, my God. Because as soon as it got closer, Bluebell couldn't see it. So then the spider was right in front of Bluebell. That's so Hollywood. I know. It was amazing. Just get closer. Then he can't see us. But that's the opposite of what I want to do.

Sometimes that's what you got to do, Charlie. Just like what you didn't do when you drove those children over that cliff. Oh, yeah. You're saying I should have driven even faster over the cliff? I'm saying you should have driven under the cliff. So then, there was this amazing moment where spider was right in front of Bluebell. Bluebell wasn't moving. What was going to happen next?

Bluebell was like, I've lost a bloody spider. Right, fuck it. Fuck this. I'm going to get on with my day. Walked forward. First step, stood on the spider and killed it. Oh, lovely. Yeah.

So, it goes to show. Sometimes you can overthink these things. There's a moral there somewhere, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't even the right thing to do. Certainly the wrong thing to do isn't either. Well, don't have it into species one night at a time with a British shorthair. Yeah.

It's probably the moral of the story. All right. Finally, Mel, this one comes with a theme tune. We've got another theme tune. Oh, wow. So Will writes, Hello Beans. Given your skyrocketing fame and popularity. Not sure about that. Will.

I predict you'll likely be making the move over to the big screen any week now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. True. Here's a pitch for your show. Okay. Law and order, flightless bird division. Mike plays the grizzled by the book captain of the team.

Ben, the enthusiastic rookie who recently broke a budgie smuggling ring. And sexy honey trap time. Henry, the jaded loose cannon of the team. What? Who lost his family to a rear mob attack. Don't take me back there, goddamn it. I've attached the potential theme tune here. Good luck in Hollywood.

So to play us out here is Will's law and order sort of themed version of our theme. Thank you, Will. Thanks to everyone for listening. See you next week. Thanks, Will. Cheers, all. Bye.

To rock. To rock. Bye. For once, you're going to do things by the book, goddamn it, bagger. Made your new partner, Patridge. God damn it, I told you I will not work with flightless birds. Can't you dig up a rookie sparrow somewhere? Disastrous shit all over my goddamn desk.

I think dog romance lacks a bit of finesse on the whole. Any sort of Congress that involves mounting is unlikely. I mean, the Bards don't sing about mounting, do they, on the whole? There's no missionary, is there for dogs? Dogs can't do missionary. Oh, let's not talk about what sex positions dogs can do, Henry. There's one called, there's literally one called named after the way dogs have sex. So the poodle grab.

Haven't done that for years. The poodle cup and flick. The Alsatian rumba. The Saint Bernard mountain rescue. And the Pomeranian ass munch. Yeah, it's all there. It's all there for the taking. I tell you that Saint Bernard, what he's got in that little thing,

that little mini barrel, it's lube. Yeah? For the sex-starved alpinist, who's just abandoned somewhere in Montblanc, I just, just want to, just want to wank by my dick is so dry. I just want to try one last challenging position with my wife before we die of malnourishment, and I presume you have just one last challenging position. Oh my God.

This is definitely the ludus this podcast has got. Shall we have, I think, Ben, I think we need a jingle for this. I think we need, I was just going to say, rather than cut it out, we can use our sticking plaster solution, which is just stick a jingle on it. Sex jingle. Sex jingle. Okay, well, so we need, what we need is for you guys, we need some genres. And then obviously a bit of, maybe Mike can voice up.

I think we'll have to do this one. The bit of voice, yeah. What are we calling it? Lude content warning. Lude content or? Lude content warning. Lude content. Grabby, grabby boys.

I feel like maybe the sort of traditional Greek folk music that accelerates. You're going to battle like it. Accelerating Greek. Yeah. Uh-oh. Lude content warning. Lude content, content, content. Because also this is another mini pompadou.

And that's mine for pompadou section. Pompadou. A lot of children seem to listen to our podcast. Yes, as I met, yeah, I mentioned, I told you, yeah, my nephew, and they are among their number. So I wondered whether we would sort of stop swearing in things. We don't swear that much. Maybe we can beep out the, can we monetize it and do a Patreon kids version?

Hello, everyone. That kind of stuff. I think that's why the kids aren't listening, though, is because we're not doing that. Mr. Bungles come along. He's got a butterfly. Mr. Bungles brought his dog. It's a St. Bernard with a barrel full of lube.

Mr. Bungle and Mrs. Bungle are trying some challenging sex positions before they die. They've got a high friction sex toy they can't use without the lube. Oh, it's too wide bore for Mr. Bungle. I think that would have the kids switching off in droves. Oh my God, who am I guessing? Islands in the streets. There's Ireland. Who's lasting the longest?

Three of us. Three of us. We are in a small prop plane like a Sopwith camel that we've stolen from an Air Force Museum in Hampshire. We're on the run, of course. We are going across the Atlantic. Someone's forgotten to refuel. Henry, that was your job.

So I thought you said defuel. I thought you were worrying that we had too much fuel on board. It's a fire hazard. I mean, you didn't even defuel that well because we were able to take off and fly as far as a desert island. Well, no, I just thought I can't be... I mean, bloody hell. I can't.

Well, you lose interest only in tasks like that. Um, Mike is obviously at the controls. Yes. Captain Mike. Captain Mike at the controls. Gunnar Wozniak. Huberistically thinking you can do it before crashing into an atoll in uncharted territory.

He's also, he's wearing, because of a mix-up on Amazon, he's wearing a sort of sexy, a sexy pilot costume. Isn't he? Three sizes too small. Three sizes too small. He's absolutely squeezed into this thing. Including the goggles. Including the goggles.

Terrific bloody headache by this point. The goggles are so much way too small for you. They just clamped around the sort of bridge of your nose, aren't they? And the straps are actually going across your eyeballs. So you've got, you've got straps right into your eyeballs. No one's told me they don't need them because the plane's got a windscreen. And also, yeah, fine without.

And you're, you're stubbornly, I say, I paid for these on Amazon, I'm going to bloody wear them. I'm in the seat behind Mike. I, thinking we had enough fuel to reach America when we were going to claim asylum, have eaten the buffet entirely. So there's no more buffet left. That's gone.

You've eaten the whole buffet. Henry's forgotten to bring the map. He's supposed to be navigating. So he's in panic. He's illustrating his own new map. He's just, he's just coloring a sheet of paper blue. By the way, I, but it's not fair to say I didn't, I forgot to bring the map.

My view, my, my, my take on the situation was that from a bird's eye view, from a plane, the world basically is a map. I mean, it's a map. That's, it's its own map. It's the map of itself. It's a hundred percent accurate. You've seen the beginning of EastEnders.

That's similar. You just zoom out. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You essentially, you've zoomed out when you're in a plane. As far as you can tell, as long as we're going over the sea, we're going in the right direction.

And the fact that we can't see land is because Mike hasn't gone high enough. But I'm trying to avoid radar and albatross. That's why I've got to stay low. I've explained this. The way I see it, as long as we, as long as we fly at right angles to the waves, then we're, then we're heading towards America.

Because the waves come in from, from the. They come from America, waves come from America, just the same as jeans and sneakers. Jeans and sneakers and waves. They come from America. And blockbuster movies. And they're one of their greatest exports. And the waves move across the ocean and they crash or break

onto the west Cornwall. Cornwall, the west of Britain. Cornwall, right? Hence the Gulf Stream. Hence Lizards Point. All those lizards come in on the waves and accumulate at Lizards Point. Hence the fact that the UK is slowly being nudged

towards Oslo. The Oslo Nudge. Inch by inch. The Vikings Revenge. So, obviously, Mike Tangerani says, the fuel gauge says we've got no fuel left. Henry, you were meant to refuel. Henry, you explained that you had, you've defueled.

I then mentioned that I have heard that you can use piss as fuel. I think I heard that once. And you, having been on a bender the night before, you feel that your piss is most likely to be dark, frothy airplane fuel piss. I'm chocker with the good stuff. So, so you clamber outside.

I clamber out on the chassis. Other chassis. I find the petrol nozzle. At this point, I realise I've forgotten if it's one of those ones that we need to press a button in the cockpit to release it or not. Luckily it isn't, but it does need a key. So, you have to then get back in and get,

take the key out of the ignition. Get the key out. So, you have to put the thing on clutch. Do you have to put the clutch down? Put it in the clutch. Put it in neutral. You hoick out the key. Yeah, but luckily we're going,

because we're going over the world, there's a natural curvature. So, we are technically going downhill. So, I can coast for a bit. Always going slightly downhill, because the Earth obviously rotates left to right. Which also creates the illusion of movement. So, it's hard to know whether you are moving

or if you're on the spot. Excuse me, it's one of those. Or if we're just stalled. Of you stalled. So, you can get a bit car sick. I clamber back to the nozzle. At that point, I forget, I can't remember if my piss is unleaded or not.

And if it is unleaded, is it safe to use E10? Whether or not that level of biofuel is going to harm the engine. We point out we're in a crisis anyway. It's probably worth a punt anyway. There's no fuel. But also, am I one of those one in 10 people

that still pisses diesel? And is that allowed? Does it comply with you, Les? Are we in the congestion zone? Probably not. Roll that out. Shouldn't we all be trying harder for the environment?

All these thoughts. All these racing career minds. All these racing career minds. Have you got time to construct some solar panels on the wings, for example? Ben's got his aviator shades. It's all mirrors, isn't it? It's all pretty mirrors.

Solar panels? Maybe they'll do the job. Could we become the first self-sustainable small aircraft? Hovering on the spot while the world rotates underneath us. With a constant stream of piss. Well, drinking water regurgitated

from seagulls, essentially. As long as we can turn Mike's very, very tight, sexy pilot's outfit into a seagull costume for me, potential I could strike up a relationship with, potentially, with our seagulls. Well, it's reversible, isn't it? On one side, it's a sexy airplane

kept in, and then if you flip it on the other side, it... If you flip it, we just have to hope. It's a sexy seagull. It's a sexy seagull outfit. And also waterproof. So get the sexy seagull outfit on me, and in theory, I could...

I could toe it. I could potentially toe it, toe it. It depends how good the seagull outfit is. I mean, if it's one of those ones where you can fly, then I could toe it. If it isn't, then you could still toe it, but you'd be towing us directly down. So, yeah, a lot going on.

A lot going on. But what happens ultimately... Ultimately. ...is that it turns out that you're... You can't feel a plane with piss, but that comes as a surprise to us all. You can't feel a plane with piss. And also, the nozzles flown off.

I've lost the lid. The lids flown off. But not the nozzles. Your nozzle's your old boy, right? My nozzle! Your nozzle's your old fella. There's flapping about at terrific speeds. Like a windsock.

My nozzle has got that effect that you get on James Bond's face when he's trying out a centrifuge machine. That's what's happening on my human nozzle. I'm having a hard time picturing that, Henry, but sure. Meanwhile, we're getting closer and closer to sea level. We see there is a coral atoll that we could land on, but hang on, who's already on there?

It's bloody Amelia Earhart. She's there with the first person to see her in decades. She won't let us land. She just waves the bird-ass. Get stuffed. This is my desert island. We've got to find the next desert island, which is another mile away.

Disaster. Absolute disaster. The only hope now is that I can skim it. I can skim the plane. Well, I'm using the seagull outfit. I've still got a little bit of buoyancy from that. Mike's naked? Mike's naked.

Apart from the goggles. And it's not lost on Ben that Mike is in great shape at the moment. It's not lost on him, despite the crisis that's going on. He's feeling a bit body-shamed having just eaten all of the travel buffet that was brought with us. Ben's feeling a little bit body-shamed, though. But what you both are doing is pushing up, by pushing up on the lid or roof of the plane.

It's the emergency anti-gravity motor. The anti-gravity measure. Obviously, it can't last forever. Otherwise, that's how planes would all work. But it does. It can... Well, you lose strength eventually. You don't need your time.

That's why I play this. You lose strength. Otherwise, it would work. But you're able to push up a bit. That keeps us just above sea level. And eventually, we skim to quite a surprisingly... We skim. We've got to make sure that we try and rotate.

We've got to spin it. Because obviously, you've got to be skimming a stone. You want to have a bit of spin on it, right? So, at the last minute, we all quickly swivel to the left. Swivel to the left. So, the whole plane is just spinning. And it skims like a stone skimmed by a schoolboy. Exactly.

And it's probably a seven-bounce skim. I reckon we only make five bounces before we crash in hard into the side of a sperm whale. And with each of those bounces, Ben's regretting eating that buffet more and more, isn't it? Each bounce is like, oh, bloody hell. I shouldn't have eaten all five of the Scotch eggs. Also, the very quick change in atmospheric pressure

is doing terrible things to my gut. So, I'm... Yeah, I'm in absolute turmoil. I just attract torque. Ben is basically, to put it charitably, he's shitting out of every office, isn't he? And hard. His ears have popped.

His ears have popped. As has his small intestine. Everything's popping. Everything that's poppable can pop. He's like human bubble wrap. We come to rest in the side of a sperm whale. About 250 yards from land. From our unoccupied island.

And at that point, we've just got to swim for it. Luckily, because of the extreme pressure change, and how fast it was, Ben's belly button has completely pro-lapped out. It's like a dorsal fin. Also, the pressure change has also sort of crashed you to about a quarter of your ordinary size. So, Henry is almost pocket sized. I'm almost pocket sized.

But, Mike, you're unbothered by the pressure change because you're in such good shape. Mike's in such good shape. Because I've been eating my greens, I'm unaffected by... Atmospheric pressure changes. Right, let's stop now. Let's stop now. Bye.

Bye. Bye.