Three Bean Salad - Biscuits

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

SPOILER ALERT (sort of): the Beans get a bit bogged down with Squid Game early doors (obviously) so please bear that in mind. Non-spoiler alert bit: this week Hayley from America hoofs the beans towards the topic of biscuits. Helpfully they include advice on how tell if what you’re bucking is a bronco and how to identify Joss Stone, although the whole thing is ruined when Henry breaks the ultimate conversational taboo.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

So we're recording this a little bit in advance because our first episode has just come out of this series has just come out today. Indeed. And it's kind of exciting for us because it's the first one with adverts. I certainly was excited to see what adverts, the advertising moguls that we've got involved have decided fit our brand as a podcast and as people. Because we've got mogul intelligence, rather than artificial intelligence, we've got mogul intelligence.

It's the finest 99 moguls from across the world have been assembled to work out which adverts would best fit. And let me tell you, they are corpulent people. And obviously, they've used a sort of squid game, some sort of squid game, haven't they, to make the decision? What's a representative of each global brand? Yeah. There's an intern from Adidas, an intern from Heinz Ketchup.

Yeah, there'll be someone from Costa Coffee, obviously Dog Meat, there'll be Dog Meat interns. Yeah. And those guys, those guys are ambitious and tenacious. Well, they managed to advertise on our podcast without even telling us or anyone. Yeah. You certainly know even paying. Exactly. One step ahead.

So, and they would have obviously been fighting to the death in a remote atoll somewhere, weren't they? But in it, yeah, with a sort of visual feast around them as well. With a visual feast. Yeah. And the moguls would have been speaking to each other in a very sort of strange, stilted sort of manner, weren't they? Well, because they've got heavy gold masks on their faces.

Sorry, can I just, I know this isn't what we're talking about, but you know how in a squid game everyone says that the dialogue of the kind of gold mask people is clunky and bad. Yeah. I didn't think that. I thought it was all right. Because they're meant to be sort of just like weird kings of the universe, right? Who just say things like, bring on more wine and people, let us see the blood.

Do you mean like they're not meant to be, it's not meant to be, did you write it then? Okay, I wrote it. I'm sorry, I wrote it. Were you the Phoebe Waller Bridge of Squid Game? They said, we need a writer who's... Who understands moguls? Exactly. We need a writer whose bread and butter is, well, sourdough bread and caviar, essentially.

We need someone who mixes with the very, very highest echelons and then through a booking error they got you. Yeah. And that's why they say things like, I loved watching the poor man struggle just then, didn't you? Yes, I did as well. Oh, my shoes are of the highest quality leather. They checked it with you.

Listen, I had brunch with five tycoons only this morning. Okay, that is how they speak. Yeah, that's what they do. Exactly. I was sorting out the three bean salad advertising, so I had been lunching with the moguls. And it was almost exactly like they'd written it down in the script for speaker. Down to the gold masks. Good.

Well, that settled that once and for all. Yeah. So that's how they, we believe, determined who was going to advertise on our podcast. And so we were very excited to listen to episode one and see which brand had decided to yoke itself to our star. What was up front? What was up front? Well, Mike, you listened first.

Yeah. It was an exciting message telling us who, it was the world-renowned, I was very excited about that. Now, what is, my understanding is it's a sort of carnivalistic shopping sensation. Yeah. That you, everything you could possibly want and more. Well, it's about, I think specifically it's sort of designer clothes and stuff. I like that that's associated with us because we're snappy dresses, right?

We are. We keep it fresh. 100%. Style-wise. It should hold us down to the wrists of pretty much every day, do you know what I mean? Weather permitting. Have either of you guys ever written any advertising? No.

I've done one advertising job in my life as a writer. A little thing called just do it. Oh yeah. I don't like to brag about that, no, yeah. What was it? It was for... What? Are you serious?

I wrote an ad, maybe three or four years ago. Well, well. I don't think it was ever used. It was shot. Ateliat. Ateliat. I think it was for online. It was black and white.

It was very classy. Black and white at your behest. No. It's got to be moody this piece. This has to be a moody piece. Ben was insistent about this. Do they spend so much on you that they couldn't afford colour? Having booked the Trevi Fountain.

The most ambitious ad in the history of climate. They had cloned Nicole Kidman, so there was four Nicole Kidman walking down the Spanish steps towards the Trevi Fountain. And then it was like a sort of squid game thing, so they were being picked off by snipers. So always squid game with you, isn't it, Ben? You've got to keep it squid game. And the surviving Nicole Kidman who gets the Trevi Fountain will get some vouchers? What did she get?

She got a reduced Gucci handbag. A large ball descends from the sky containing a reduced Gucci handbag. So basically what happened was, I mean, the reason it didn't go very well is because they'd already filmed the advert and then now it was time for me to put the words on. Wow, that's quite a challenge. They filmed it before you wrote it. They filmed it before I even knew it was a thing. This is the lack of respect for the writing process, which is the bane of our industry.

Someone has checked the checklist of things you'd need. Yeah. Oh, God. Trevi Fountain. I forgot to bloody write it. There's always one thing, isn't there, that slips you, yeah. Better engage Ben Partridge, you won't mind. So I was presented with this very artily shot black and white footage of a man walking around

a very nice warehouse apartment putting on a vinyl record. And then they said, make this funny. Make it funny. They wanted a little rye take on what was going on. I mean, I was at sea. Let's put it that way. Yeah, that's hard. That sounds really hard.

You know what? That sounds like, Ben, it may have actually been that you were part of a squid game there without knowing it. There was no such ad. There was just a bunch of moguls wanting to toy with some young writers. I tell you what, I wasn't murdered. You weren't murdered. However, while I was there, there was a fire alarm in the building that was the loudest

fire alarm I've ever experienced, and since that day, I've had tinnitus. It's the tinnitus squid game. It's a tinnitus squid game. Yeah. And I lost. There are so many squid games going on at the moment because the super rich have become so super rich. People estimate that up to 75% of your life is actually you're taking part in a weird game

of sort of sinister evil chess. Yeah. And it can't all be murderous. Can it? Sometimes it's got to be milder like tinnitus or some itching powder, something that causes a rash. Or you might get a mouth ulcer, for example. That'll be your punishment because yesterday, you know, you didn't slice the bread in the

right way that would have been pleasing to the moguls that were, you know... Or you just keep finding pubes in places you'd rather not find pubes. Random pubes is another way of doing it. Where would you not like to find? I mean, where are you finding pubes? That's a great question, Ben. Where on earth would one not want to find a pub? I mean...

I'm always delighted. Hello, little thing. Hello, little fellow. Good day to you, too. Who's your owner, I wonder? Enjoy the yoghurt. I know I will now with an extra... Even more than before I saw you there perched on that raspberry junk.

Dark and glistening. Yes. So you think that basically when the fire alarm went off and I grasped my ears and they started sort of leaking fluid... Yeah. There was a man in a gold mask and we're watching it going... Watch as he struggles. Exactly.

Pull me into the brandy. Yeah. And his poorly written dialogue would have been written by another writer weirdly as well. Oh, it's a tangled web, isn't it, once you get into it? It's such a tangled web. You don't know whether you're coming or going. Sometimes it's almost safer to just change the topic and move on. So when we came to have adverts, when we got the moguls on board, they sent us an email

saying, can you let us know the brands that sort of mean something to you so that they could sort of work out what was a good fit for us? And I personally found that very challenging. Yeah, that was a struggle. You can't really just put own brand, can you? Own brand for everything, please. Anything own brand? Yeah.

Just as long as the brand is affiliated to the building you're in, you feel safe. Exactly. Because you feel it's traceable. Anything two for one, please. Yeah. I don't do fine. But we worked out, didn't we, Ben, that me and you both put Le Creuset, which is so middle-class. I mean...

It's so embarrassing. Also, I've only got one Le Creuset item. So to say that, I'm obsessed with Le Creuset a bit much. But was that because you were hoping, if you put that down, that someone would furnish you? I think maybe it was a cry for a freebie. Everything you could imagine in Le Creuset form. A Le Creuset cat litter tray would arrive at your door the next day and the bluebell would be pissing in tiny pieces of cast iron.

And oven proof. Yeah. It's one of the few cat litter trays that you can take from the hob directly to the oven. I mean, you can do your Christmas roast in it. You can bring it out. And finally, the cat doesn't feel left out. Yeah. But it does have to wait seven hours to take a shit until you've finished and everything's cooled down.

That's true. Also, you can stuff the turkey with litters and all that doing it. And as you carve it, it tumbles out. And it's just... And it's just Christmas. And it's just Christmas with Le Creuset. So, what I was interested by Mike is that we sent them all in and then the woman that we've been corresponding with responded saying that you'd sent an exhaustive list and she

said that she felt that she knew you better as a result of reading it. She did, didn't she? And I was very sort of fascinated to what story you told with brands. The thing is, you give Mike any medium and he will tell a story. Even if it's just a list. That's what I do. That's what we all do. Fundamentally, storytellers.

Well, no, Mike. I think fundamentally, we're weavers. Exactly. Weaving a tapestry of narrative. Weaving a delightful waste paper basket. That it's self-disposable. Self-disposable. Of no real use and with no longevity whatsoever.

That level of a story. That level. I think I tend to weave a kind of narrative patio furniture that will disintegrate in the rain. That's my level. And as soon as it looks great, as soon as you sit on it, you're literally, your arses on the floor, your feet, you've been collapsed in on yourself. You're trapped in wicker.

A cage of wicker. And now the only way to get you out is to drag you out through the wicker and that wicker's sharp and that wicker's good. It's like a lobster pot. It's a squid game. It's another squid game. It's everywhere. It's a garden furniture wicker lobster pot from which you cannot get out alive.

I didn't know if it was an exhaustive list that I sent to. The food thing might have been fairly... The food thing I had to stop myself because they asked us about what kind of food we like. And I realized about 10 minutes in that I... It's basically listing. All the foods. I think I was also quite befuddled by that question. So I think I'd literally put Schneider's or Hanover.

Oh, well done. And I think I might have also put Dadario guitar strings because they're the last guitar strings I bought. I left it at that. Wow. It's a brave new world. It was tempting to put like a sort of list of fictional, you know, just put like Robert's hoses. Of course, the beans is a brand now, isn't it? Are we a brand?

You've got to be a brand. Have you? That's what they say. Does that mean we have to rebrand at some point? We'll have to rebrand. You have to... First of all, you have to brand. It's like with a cow.

It's exactly the same with a cow. You brand it. And then you put us in a cottage pie. But you think we're in a cottage pie? Not only are we a brand, though. I sort of think of us as a startup. Yes. Which means that what we need to do at some point is pivot.

Yeah. Towards AI. Absolutely. Do we float as well at some point? Does that come after pivoting? Yes, we have to become go public, is it? Is that what it's called? Well, what happens is there's a sad day where I will decide to step down as a bean.

Still take part in the podcast, but I'll have handed over my... As a salaried employee. Salaried employee. Obviously, I'll have a position in the beans. I'll still maintain the position in the beans, but I'll have stepped down. But we'll be able to take that from you at the drop of a hat once you're in that, but you'll be very vulnerable at that point. I'll be extremely vulnerable at that point.

It also sounds like you're trying to have your cake and eat it. Yeah. It's confusing, isn't it? When people do that. I think we'll get sick and tired of that pretty quickly and we'll get rid. And then presumably Ben will have me assassinated and then make it family business. There will be beans and sands with his many sons. And I'll be so sad when it's for me because I'll be wandering around the streets, probably.

Quite sad. Empty look in my eyes. Oh, but they'll get a good Netflix documentary about 20 years after that. Yeah. About how did you know that one of the original beans himself didn't have any part in their cruise ship company, the space program, and their black site interrogation units? None of that. When they bought El Salvador.

He had none of that. It's now known Bean Salvador. It's now known Bean Salvador. And actually, he was one of the original beans. It's up there, you know, be up there with the story of how the guy that designed the nightclow go didn't make any money out of the nightclow go. Is that true? That's what they say.

The other big one for that is, it's songs in films, isn't it? So like, what's the theme tune that somebody just did for like 10 quid and now it's like... It's probably somewhere over the rainbow. And there's always songs like... The story with Somewhere Over the Rainbow is they weren't going to put that in the film. Basically, she was going to sing that just at the sort of rat party or something. And they went, oh, we might have to shove it in. Also, she was going to be played by Keefer Sutherland until two weeks before cameras rolled.

By an influence, Keefer Sutherland. Incredibly Yankee for Sutherland. Well, he had the connections with me. Well, he had the connections with me at the time because of course his father, Donald Sutherland, was, you know, only in about 10 or 20 years away from becoming quite a famous actor himself. Yeah, no, there's always stories like that. The other one is the guy who took the photo of... What's he called again?

Not Steve Ovet. The guy who was Fidel Castro's... Why did you think that might be Steve Ovet? Steve Ovet. That was the name that came to mind. And not Al Pacino. Fidel Castro's right-hand man, the poster boy. Oh, the one who's on like...

Che Guevara. Che Guevara. I had a Che Guevara hoodie as a teenager. Exactly. Of course. Everything you need to know about me. That hoodie, that made no money for the man who took that photo, that's that famous photo that's been reproduced ridiculous amounts of times on aprons and, you know...

Lunchboxes. Mouthpads. Mouthpads, bonnets of cars. Hasn't it? That Che Guevara... And he made no money out of that, apparently, either. Yeah, there's quite a few of those. But that sort of seems, you know, fine.

That seems appropriate, given the... Yeah, that's a good point. He's a communist and economic leanings of Che. That's true. That's true. And I mean, unless those images had then been used as the shape of can size in roads across the world, in which case it would be a bit unfair. That's true.

And also, do we want to politicise cat size to that extent? Do you mean, I think they have to remain politically neutral? I still... They are fundamentally a kind of left-wing thing, though, aren't they? Because if you... State control. Yeah, if you were a true libertarian... You'd drive whatever side you want.

You would drive with no lights. Yeah, no lights. Whatever side of the road you want. Wherever you wanted. Cat size are a kind of government in position, aren't they? To make us see where we're going. And you might not want to see where you're going. Yes, really, you ought to be able to scatter your own cat size out of the front of your

car as you drive around. That would be the libertarians, wouldn't it? It sort of feels like, actually, what will happen is, maybe in America, there'll be a system where you've got to pay for the cat size to come on. So there'll be a little chip in your car, and if you've paid, they'll come on. But if not, you'll just be... That's quite a good black mirror. The guy's trying to drive home for Christmas.

Actually, it's Chris Rear, but it's a black mirror version of Chris Rear. He's trying to drive home for Christmas. But he's fallen on hard times. He's fallen on hard times because he hasn't yet released the song Driving Home for Christmas, which, ironically, it's part of that logical vortex of that song we talked about in series one. Oh, we're back in that vortex. He has, but all the money is going to the guy who made the chafo, so instead, because

of a terrible error. Exactly. So as he's driving, he's got to get home for Christmas, but he's had the idea for the song now, because he is driving home for Christmas. And he's like, bloody hell, this driving home for Christmas song could be huge. I probably would have poked past through his mind, oh, am I just thinking about a song that happens to what I'm doing right now, because there was that having a piss in a service station song I thought about half an hour ago.

This is a bit like when we were writing a sketch show for Radio 4, and you were away doing a gig abroad, and the producer said, Henry, can you really send me a sketch? You're a bit behind with your input here. And he said, oh, sorry, I've just got up his breakfast time here. I'm just in a buffet in the hotel, and then 20 minutes later, the sketch appeared, and it was about a breakfast buffet in a hotel. Yeah. The imagination of the man.

No, the greatest artists take from life. We take from life. And the same way that Chris Rear took from life that day. But I do think it'd be quite a good black mirror of, or just a sort of take on that Chris Rear story is the idea that, yeah, he's running out of money, and the cat's eyes are appearing in front of him as his money's going down. So I mean, he can see that on the kind of hologram scream he's got to his left, because in the future.

He's in the future, but before he's written the song. Yeah. It's an alternate universe. It's quite dark. And as the money's going down, the cat's eyes are appearing, but eventually he knows that They're getting dimmer and dimmer. They're getting dimmer and dimmer. And then they're going to run out.

Is he going to not make it home, or is he going to go blackout? But eventually, while he's only driving, was it from Liverpool to London? So the roads are quite well lit for certainly the last, almost that entire journey, I'd say, probably, certainly the last. So it's only six to the main road. Certainly on the M6 toll. He's sitting pretty. Oh, yeah.

But what you have to remember is it's top to tail and tail. It's top to tail and tail back. No, no, top to tail in headlights or tail lights. Top to tail in car lights. Top to tail and tail lights. It can't be. Top to tail. Tailbacks.

No. This is the point where if it was me, I'd have given up on writing the song. I'd be like, this isn't going to bloody work. Most people aren't interested in this shit. What are you thinking about, Henry? Just get another snickers out of the glove compartment. What I'm thinking is maybe because he's in traffic, he might decide to take a detour off the motorway, and that's when he needs to cat size.

Okay, yeah. So it's a tail of hubris, isn't it? He reached too far by trying to take a shortcut or trying to outsmart Google Maps or whatever. It feels like, cat size feels like one of those things that Elon Musk might tell the world he's invented. You know how he's kind of, he'll unveil something huge and say, this will revolutionize transport. And you look at it and it's essentially a bus. Yeah, yeah.

With some really snazzy doors. Yeah, exactly. Like that one where you drive your car and it goes in a tunnel and it goes underneath the ground and it's like, or you could just build a metro system. He's sort of, just man, just to kind of reinvent things that we've had for like over 100 years, but make it expensive. I wish we'd taken up his idea of the one man human submarine invented for those Ty Cave Cavers.

Jimmy invented the one man human submarine suit. That was brilliant. He went full Iron Man. Because he turned up and was like, don't worry everyone, I've got the one man submarine suit. And then all of the experts went, well, you're dying it. You'll get stuck. Someone will die in that.

You'll just be in a great big occlusion. Did you learn nothing from Saran Jones' vigil? That's a good reference for our foreign listeners. Saran Jones' vigil. Are you saying Saran Jones isn't massive all over the world? Yes. Come on, mate. It's a BBC submarine drama.

Fun though, that submarine drama was, I can't imagine it being huge worldwide on the kind of squid game level. Yeah. There was too much reliance on the effect of moving the camera on an angle and having everyone go, whoa. Yeah. It was very good though. I did enjoy it.

I thought it was quite bad. I thought there was just no sense that you were in a cramped submarine space. They had this cafeteria on the submarine that was massive, high-ceilinged, American dynastyle retro cafeterias that was actually lovely. There was no sense of claustrophobia. Anyway, they had small bunk beds though. They didn't have small bunk beds. That's how they conveyed that lack of space.

With little mini-curtains on each one. Mini-curtains and then extreme close-ups of Saran Jones' panicking face. Yeah, there was a lot of that. It's quite funny to think, isn't it, that during a submarine crisis it's like, the Russians are coming, quick, the Russians are coming. Everyone has to just open up these little mini-curtains to get out of their bunk. A few teething problems with the B-machine this week. Oh yeah.

They tried to fit a CD player. Took it to Halfords. They said they could handle it. Turns out they couldn't. That's a shame. Did they at least give you a roofwreck or something in wreckpads? Yeah, they fitted a tow bar. OK.

Ben, look, you've got to move over the times. OK, people don't have CD players in these things. And even USB ports are now, you know, it's becoming increasingly wireless. I just think you need to... I need to get a Bluetooth. No. No, he's right. I think he's thinking playing the long game here.

They'll come back. I'll come back. Just as Vinyl's coming back. And then eventually people go, oh, CDs. Didn't they feel wonderful? Oh, didn't that lovely? Oh. The sound of a CD.

The warm sound of a CD. Oh, USB sticks. Didn't they just, weren't they just lovely to touch? Oh, the way, oh yes. Slot them in once you've got it the right way around. Oh, lovely. And there's two square holes in the metal on the top of the casing. They're like, they're lies in a way, weren't they?

And the long horizontal rectangular aperture at the end of the casing, sort of like a little mouth, a little face like a person in a way. Exactly. A person whose face is being shoved into a computer for hours on end. Missed those. So despite the lack of a CD player, are we able to crank it up to some degree, Ben? Oh, yeah. It's working.

It's working. But just don't, you know, don't try and listen to an album with it. Did you get a service in there? Sorry? Did they give you, because did you ask them to run some all over it and give a little service? Because you can do that once you're in there. Once you're in a Halfords, can't you?

Yeah. I mean, a lot of them were dragged into the machinery. Yeah. Well, that's why it's a... Never to be seen again. It's a tough job. It was horrible to watch them realize that their job in Halfords had been a squid game all along.

That moment of realization. It's happening to us always. Oh, it was a bloody squid game. Life is a squid game. I can imagine it's being sucked into your mechanism, Ben, as the relentless notched wheels turn. Slowly as well. It's not quick.

Not quick. And they've got time to what? Send some last emails. A lot of them tend to ring their energy supplies and this cancels get the last bill, that sort of thing. It's good to, yeah, dot the I's across the T's, isn't it? Just for the people that come after them. Yeah.

What do you mean I can't cancel my mobile contract? Big macerated as we speak. Yeah. And sometimes I go, oh, I never got around to watching Top Boy. Is there any chance that you'd be like, if it's... Transfer my text bundle to my sister. And obviously, if it hits closing time, about 6, 6 p.m., the whole thing will shut down and then we'll have to wait overnight and then continue being crushed to death when the

shop opens the next morning. Yeah. Okay, so we salute... The fallen heroes of Halfords this week. Yeah. He worked so hard. So let us spray off what remains of these valiant workers. With the hot...

And see what? With a hot hose, with a hot... With a hot hose and see what it says underneath for this week's topic. Okay, so this week's topic. Sent in by Hailey from the USA. Ooh. Can we get the jingle just for that? Yes, please.

I think let's have the jingle. America. America. America. America. I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga choo choo. America. America.

Get me the D.A. A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City. No one's ever gonna listen to this crazy new music you're making, Mr. Presley. Burgers. Because we have a jingle light. We've been jingle light, potentially, this series, have a bit. Yeah, well, I realise that episode one didn't have any of the normal big hitters. I'm aware that Hailey is a worldwide name, but it also, you know, I think there's more

Hailey's in the US than elsewhere. It's a strong US name. It feels like... He does feel, yeah. Yeah. I hope that Hailey is sort of, I don't know, mooching around in a monster truck somewhere. Oh, I reckon she is. Well, I think, actually, her nationality comes to bear a bit on her topic choice, because

it's a word that Americans use differently to British people. Oh. It's international law. No. Finally. So, Hailey's topic is biscuits. Oh, mother of Jesus. Of course.

Now, obviously, in America, a biscuit is something you eat with gravy. Oh. That's a hearty, savoury deal when you're having your... But possibly still... But for breakfast, potentially, as well, right? Do you have...? I've got no idea. It's kind of...

Do you have biscuits? Is it like a scone? I think it is. Yeah. It's a fat, savoury scone. It's a fat scone, isn't it? Do you have it with grits? I think it can...

I still don't know what grits are. It can involve grits. Or is. Or who? I still don't know what they are. And I've had them several times, but British people can't retain what grits are. The knowledge of what grits. We can't retain the knowledge of grits.

In fact, I was asked the other day what grits, and I didn't know, even though I knew I'd had grits. Was that some sort of citizenship test or something? I think it was that. I was applying for... I mean, every year now, I applied to become a legally Texan. It's just something that I've always wanted to happen. I believe it will happen at some point, but I always fall down on the grits question.

You turn up with your Lone Star cap. Yeah. Lone Star jeans. Yeah. Belt buckle. The works. I've now got a 10, a 15, and a 25 gallon hat. So I've got all the different gallons, all the different amount of gallons of hat.

And what they'll often say to you, won't they? And what they'll often say to you, Henry, isn't it? The immigration people in the US, they'll say, really, there's no such thing as a Texan passport. It's just a US passport. And you say, no, I don't want a US passport. And they're saying, no, you can have one by all means. No.

Yeah. I don't want US citizenship. Yeah. I want Texan citizenship. And I'll say to myself, these cow hide trousers are my Texan passport. These assless chaps. These assless hard leather trousers should be all the proof I need. Carry on bucking Bronco.

Bloody nightmare getting through to security at the other end, let me tell you. And he will, he takes it literally, the bucking, he's literally always been bucking all the way over. Well, he bucks trends, doesn't he? He bucks trends. He passes the buck. I didn't realize a Bronco is, let me see if you've fallen into the same trap I have. Mike, what animal do you think a Bronco is?

A bull. It's a horse. Is it a horse? I thought it was a horse. Did you think it was a bull, Ben, or a horse? I did, because I think it's because if you see one of those big inflatable bucking Broncos, they've made it look like a bull. But it's not a bull.

It's a horse. It's always a horse. Well, a Bronco is a horse. Do they ever buck on a bull? Have I made that up? In real life? Steer. Well, yeah, in a rodeo.

You can buck on anything as long as it's pissed off. Right. Don't ride any animal as long as it doesn't want to do it. As long as it's angry enough, yeah. Right. Lizards. Bucking gecko. Bucking gecko.

If you climbed onto me, Mike, I imagine I'd buck. Yeah? Yeah. Certainly after enough time, I'd buck. I think I could hold on, though. Can you contain me? I think so. I think you tire eventually.

I don't think I can handle it with Ben. I think Ben would have the will. Boundless energy. But with me, after a sort of 25-minute grapple, you would elegantly sort of get me cantering around the... You'd be eating out the palm of my hand. And the audience would stand and cheer as I... Yeah.

And there's kind of a wonderful moment of man and beast kind of... And you nestled gently into my breast. Yeah. And then he would slowly push the sword into your neck. Slowly push the sword into my neck. My eyes glint as I look up into his eyes, his human eyes looking into my large... Also human eyes.

Bronco eyes. But Bronco. But with the spirit of the Bronco in them. Yeah. But with absolute trust. And I look at him and I go, yes, you are the master. And also there's a sense that I know that the wildness in me,

that crazy horse wildness. This is the only way it can truly be done. The only way it can be trained as, you know, as wild as a flamingo that's just had a gun being fired. Yeah. Picture that. It's thrashing about that level of wildness. But in horse.

That can only really be controlled and tamed by Mike. But also, once it's tamed, once it is controlled, what could that wildness achieve, that energy, that beauty that... Well, I never know. Yeah. And then I'd still be saying that. And as I'm saying that, Mike would...

Wittering. I mean, even in your death rows, even internally, wittering, still wittering. Still wittering. It was the very last. And Mike, just out of the corner of his eye, Mike would see one audience member just glancing at their watch. And at that point, he'd go,

yeah, I've left this way too fucking long. And the... Well, it would be up through the throat, through my mouth, through my mouth, up through the top of my head, or would you... I think he'd just start putting loads in,

like a pop-up pirate, you know, just... Just loads of loads. Yeah, from every angle. Well, you've got to read the crowd on this one. Yeah, read the crowd. Are they baying for it? Yeah. Do they want me to make you look like a little porcupine?

Yeah. Or do they just want to move on to the mid-show band? Do they just want to move on to... Yeah. They want to see Joss Stone. Can we get on with it, please? Yeah. Well, the thing is, Mike, at this rodeo,

after you've ridden Henry, tenderly pushed a sword through his throat, I'm going to be riding a bucking O.J. Simpson's Ford Bronco. Oh, that's a nice one. Where they've rigged up his white Ford Bronco from the chase, and they've made it buck,

and I'm going to ride it. Oh, wow. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. The ultimate bucking Bronco. That's... I mean, you can't follow that, can you? No.

Well, Joss Stone is going to follow that. Yeah. She shouldn't. She will. She... I'm glad you said she, I didn't know who Joss Stone was. Somebody was picturing a pop star,

and I was just in my mind, I didn't have much to go with. I think I'd got the face of Macaulay Culkin. Why you're constructing yourself. And I constructed who I thought Joss Stone was. I thought it's a pop star. The body of Paul Gascoigne. But the hands of Gary Barlow.

The hands of Gary Barlow, and the whole lower body, just a sort of adapted jet ski. With the wardrobe of Shania Twain. With the wardrobe of Shania Twain. And I pictured him riding out into the middle of the arena, which should be flooded at that point. Gladiator style.

Yeah. With blood. And he'd be... With blood. Hang on, did the Gladiators used to flood the arena? Yeah, they'd flood it with... They did, yeah. They did just a sea battle.

No. Yeah. It's bloody impressive stuff. Those guys are great. They do little mock sea battles. So is Joss Stone arriving mid-sea battle, or is the sea battle ended? She's arriving on a Galleon.

On a Vizygoth Galleon. It's been quite a night, isn't it? At this point, I've been cubed. I'm on a barbecue. Yeah. And kids are queuing up and stuff. It's tough for Joss, because she's going to compete with people eating,

which is not nice. You know, as a performer, she'll be pissed off. Plus, I imagine your meat would give off a fairly sour smell. When griddled. Why is that? I don't know why.

This is a bit... I'm just panning offensive for some reason. This is the only bit of this macabre fantasy that's really... So annoyed me. There's mutton, and then there's lamb, right? And then there's mutton

that's on the turn. Okay, all I need is a slow cook, Mike. A slow cook. It's a rodeo barbecue. I'm going to have a slow cooking. Yeah, you know you're right. A barbecue. Well, I'd say just a lot of hot salsa, then.

Well, the kids aren't going to like that, though, are they? No, it's going to be stringy. It's going to be fatty. It's going to be gamey. Too spicy. It's going to be too spicy. We promised the parents that there'd be food available for the kids,

and now it's something that none of them can manage. At that point, Mike, your mind would surely have to start thinking about Ben, wouldn't it? You need to be aware that I've been raised shoulder high and carried out of the stadium by loving fans. I'm nowhere near that barbecue. Ben's at the after party at this point.

Elton John. Yeah. Meeker. They're all there. Just Elton John and Meeker. Just the three of us. A bit awkward. A bit awkward, actually, yeah.

Again, Meeker. I've had to sort of put them into your own mind. I don't know who Meeker is. What have you constructed? It's got the face of Halle Berry. All right. Long, flowing, red hair. The neck of Judge Dredd.

The neck of Judge Dredd. The arms of Judge Judy. And it sounds like a Dalek body, I think. Biscuits. Biscuits. Oh, yeah. It feels potentially quite commercial radio to say this next bit.

Go on. What's your favourite biscuit? Do call in. Do you like a garibald or a blue ribbon? Let us know. Just send us a text. I'm a custard cream man. Oh, really?

That's very 80s, I think. You're a custard cream man. Straight down the line. I mean, it's one of the few biscuits when offered. I can't refuse. Oh, you're a Kelly's biscuit. That's my Kelly's biscuit. How do you eat your custard creams?

Come back after the break and we will find out. Do you take off the lid first? Do you suck it for a couple of hours? Do you... Are you a dunker? Are you a dunker? Are you a dunker? I'm not a dunker.

That was Carol with the weather there. She is a dunker. Tell you what, I can't say that anymore. Unbelievable these days. You can't. What? I've got to... Over to the...

Over to the sports here. Say what? I run my nibbly on aircrumbs. I can't say that. I can't say that. Anyway, well, I've been told that we've got to cut some music. So here's Chardonnay and I've got to get another bloody bollocking for the producer. Enjoy.

What's that? We're off air now. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. Unbelievable these days. I can't... I wouldn't mind leaving her on the arm of my sofa for a couple of hours before... So I'm watching Antiques Rancher wake up and the heating was on.

The fan is actually melting slowly. And... Can I even say that anymore? What? Are we going to go down the whole bloody... Are we going to do it? Are we going to have the whole conversation about the time when there was a court kept... No.

Don't say it. Don't say it. You can't knock when you're talking about biscuits. You can't knock. But it's kind of conversational nadir, isn't it? When anyone brings up the fact that... Shall I say it? Because once we've said it...

Don't say it. We can't put that genie back in the bottle. I know. There's might know what it is. I'm a bit confused about what you're going to say. It's the time when there was an international court case or something about... Oh, God, I'm in a boring pub conversation. Oh, no.

It's a Jaffa cake. Oh, no. It's the JC. It's the JC one. It's actually biscuits. Is it actually a cake? Oh, no. Or technically...

Oh, no. That's the end of the night, isn't it? Technically, we stick it on the end of a bread stick. It's actually a wheel, which means it's actually a car, which you can't be able to use it for work. You can claim back. Yeah. It feels like one of those facts.

There's a few of these things, these kind of conversational gambits that happen where everyone now knows that a Jaffa cake is a biscuit or whatever. Like, everyone's heard that. It's no longer an interesting piece of trivia because everyone on Earth, certainly in the UK, is aware that there was a court case, right? You have to be. It's a kind of conversational blight. Well, also, it's the barbecues you go to next to, isn't it, Mike?

This kind of thing. Yeah, it's fine there. You know, we can talk a good game about Jaffa cakes there. But in the kind of rooftop metropolitan parties that Henry's going to in London, you know, sort of nude salons that he spends his time in. You can't say you can't bring up that. I mean, I don't want to say he was boring, but put it this way. He brought up the Jaffa cake biscuit anecdote.

Yes. And that is why he is currently in a transparent globe hanging above our heads. Look at him. This morning he was working in Halfords. And now he's in a transparent globe above our heads. He's defecating again. Hurrah! Shall we just explain this for our American listeners?

We're going to have to, aren't we? Just quickly. Play the jingle again. America. America. America. I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga choo choo. I'm American. Get me the D.A.

A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City. Oh, just give up now. You'll never be an actor. Let's do it. Plemons. Burgers. Okay. What is the quickest, most joyless way you can tell this to? You know what I mean? I'll try and do it in the most quick. Clinical.

Clinical way. Possible. Just we get it out of the way and we can move on. Okay. Right. Basically... You don't VAT... Hang on. You can't put VAT... Hang on. You don't put VAT on cakes, but you do put VAT on biscuits.

Or the other way round. A Jaffa cake is a cake. Or it's certainly called a cake, but it's a bit like a biscuit. Do you VAT it? Not sure. See you in court. There's something about a cake goes soft when it... No. A biscuit goes soft when it goes off. A cake goes hard. It was a tax-related case and the crucial bit of information was

does this thing that's called a Jaffa cake qualify as a biscuit or a cake? And if it was a biscuit, it would be better in terms of something to do with tax. I'm so angry that you brought this up, Henry. You've dragged us into this... I know. It's awful. It's basically like a mini cake that's in the shape of a biscuit. That was the case. They should turn it into a kind of John Grisham style legal drama movie.

Yeah. They should sex it up. They should definitely sex it up. Starting Tom Cruise. Yeah. Tom Cruise as the lawyer. Four Jaffa cake being a biscuit. Yeah. And Forest Whitaker as the other attorney. Ed Harris is a shadowy figure working for the biscuit lobby.

Perfect casting. Nice. Yeah. Who's playing the biscuit? There's someone playing with it. Noomi Harris. Who's that? Isn't she the girl with the dragon tattoo?

I'm having to put it together in my head. I kind of got the face of rude hulet. And the body of a twinkie. And I've got... She's got like 16 feet that are just rotating around her. Sort of out of circumference. That's her. All times.

So she can walk down the pavement like that with all the feet going round and round. But her head stays stable. You've just got to give her some room. In the middle. And she'd be one of the only people who'd be fine in that situation where if the world was two dimensional, just be a big circle,

you'd be able to walk in one direction. She'd be fine. Do people talk about that? I don't know. They have done. So in this legal drama, you could have... A good thing is you could have,

you know the late night scene where the lawyers are up all night the night before the case. They're looking through big books to look for case law. They're looking through huge books from Argos because they've... They need to replace the coffee machine in the office. Yeah. They have to read the whole catalogue.

They have to read the whole catalogue. They've had the catalogue sent round by some clerks. They haven't realised there's an index. They're always eating Chinese food, aren't they? There's little boxes. Yes. Oh, there's boxes. Yeah.

But in this case, there's Jaffa cakes, is it? Well, with chopsticks. They're eating Jaffa cakes with chopsticks. And Demi Moore's turned up with a box full of Jaffa cakes and chopsticks. And that's when one character has the breakthrough.

Tom Cruise lifts the Jaffa cake up to his mouth with the chopsticks and then you see his face go, hang on. And he races out the door unhelpfully without telling anyone else what he's thought of. That's going to crack the case even though they've all been working just as hard.

It's all a bit showy. Could you just tell us the idea? No. Does this move and go home, get some sleep? He's not going to do that. Can I go and see my children? He's not going to do that. Also, I know his idea is Henry.

What is it? Because when you find this out the next day, by the way, but yeah. Yeah, in the court. In the court. Yeah. So the court is there. Everyone's ready.

Tom Cruise takes the stand. Yeah. Judge played by Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman. Great. Is he alive? They can sort that out.

That's a complete irrelevance these days. Okay. I think it should be played by Gene Hackman and Werner Herzog, the judge. Okay. Voiced by Werner Herzog. Bodied by Gene Hackman. And then they swap that round soon by seeing.

Okay. Tom Cruise takes the stand and he says, I believe today is your birthday. And he goes, Yes, it is. And then he goes, Well, for a birthday, there must be a birthday cake.

Does it not follow judge? And the judge goes, Yes, there must be a cake on my birthday. And then he goes, How old are you judge? I am 75 years old today. And he starts trying to put 75 candles in a single Jaffa cake. And it just crumbles.

Yes. It's the OJ gloves moment. It's the OJ gloves moment. It can't be a cake. And they're losing their shit in the gallery. The judge is calling for order. Everyone knows it's all over. And then Tom Cruise sits down.

Smug as you like. Looks to his left. There's Nicole Kidman. She's smiling. Looks to his right. There's also Nicole Kidman. One of the four. She's smiling.

The clones are back. He looks up at the gallery. There's 58 Nicole Kidmans. All smiling and waving at him. And then one of the Nicole Kidmans leans over to him and says, We were supposed to be proving it to fucking biscuit you dick. No, no, no. He did prove it.

We were supposed to be proving it wasn't a biscuit you dick. And Forrest Witzig has just given him the bird. Forrest Witzig is giving him the bird. And he's like, I just should have got that straight right at the beginning of the case, because it's which way around it was. It's important, isn't it? When you're a lawyer to know what side of the case you want to be.

Yeah. Yeah. Then Tom Cruise would say, Oh, that's what you meant. Because when early on you said, What side are you on? I thought you meant that sort of rhetorically, but you literally meant.

That'd be a great scene, wouldn't it? You know, when everyone's going nuts in the gallery and all the Nicole Kidmans are cheering, apart from the one Nicole Kidman who realizes he's done it the wrong way around. She's the real one. Yeah. Okay.

And they would also then cut to the, the orange fields where the oranges for the Jaffa cakes are made. And all the workers would be like, Yeah. Yeah. They'd be celebrating. Yeah. And that sort of sense that the director would give you that sense that

Somewhere, Jack Nicholson's being dragged away by some bailiffs. Yeah. At the stage of outrage. And the orange workers are going like, Let's have some orange juice and orange pie. And let's celebrate with oranges. And a glass of orange wine.

Sweet, sweet orange wine. And then one guy's like, Do you know what? I don't really like oranges. Wouldn't you prefer like a peach or an apple? And then they beat him to death. Yeah. And then Gerard Butler blows them all up.

Sounds good. Fin. Fin. Fin. Okay. Time for your emails. Send your emails to threebeancellardpod.gmail.com. Nathan got in touch.

He writes, dearest beans, During your hiatus, I have re listened with great pleasure to every episode of the podcast. And I'm writing reference to the one in which Henry regales us with a story of his encounter with American bacon in New York City. Ah, yeah. As I feel I have something to offer you.

Okay. In that episode, Henry begins his narrative and the musically minded Benjamin chimes in with the suggestion that the story should be underscored by Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue. Mike then launches into a rendition, mimicking the sound of the orchestra. Very good. I remember Mike's clarinet. He does an incredible clarinet. It's a very good bendy clarinet. And then Ben expostulates, no Mike, it'll cost us hundreds of thousands of pounds to clear the rights. As it happens, I work in the copyright department of a global music publisher.

Oh, no. He had me at global. As soon as anything's got global in the title, I am putty in your hands. Do you know what I mean? If you just say global, I'm just like, I'm beaming here. Well, he could ruin us. He could sue us until there's nothing left. Well, yeah, but also he could whisk me away to Paris if he wanted to. Did you say global? Because I believe the Euro star is a decent way to get up to Paris. You understand I'm suing you, right? You charming dog. Yes, this is a writ.

Yeah, but what is a writ when you're on the Champs Elysees dancing, dancing in the rain? I'm writing down everything you say. You're saying I could be looking at a custodial sentence. Well, I wouldn't mind being locked up in the Bastille with you. What's that? You're seizing my assets. Oh, I wouldn't mind you seizing my buttocks in the Jardin de la Tuileries. OK, so as it happens, I work in the copyright department of a global music publisher, and I'm pleased to tell you the fee to perform this composition would in fact be

zero pounds because all works composed solely by George Gershwin are in the public domain in almost all territories. Are they really? Good old George, eh? Cheers, George. And that one word we'll be ringing through Mike's ears as he, that one word almost, that'll be the word ringing through Mike's ears as he is tied onto a huge stick of massive oak tree sort of that's whittled into a huge oak tree sized stick and dropped into a volcano as he's on his way down, they'll be thinking. In Burkina Faso.

In Burkina Faso, they'll be thinking. The only territory. The only territory. Mike Gershwin still has a rock hard grip on the legal system. And also, as coincidentally, the same territory where Mike decided to record his debut album because he thought he could get a cheap studio. Well, Mike. Well, the Wagon Doogoo rates are pretty phenomenal at the moment for a studio time.

And it's a great CD though, you know, Wozniak does Gershwin. It's a wonderful CD. And as he's plummeting towards that live volcano, he'll think almost, that'll be the word ringing through his ears, and also the last thing he'll think will be, well, I suppose on the plus side, I'm not going to feel my legs, knees and feet being burned off because they've already been eaten off me by Wolves. So when were they eaten by Wolves on the plane, on the plane on the way over? So he throw Wolves and managed to get into the...

So Terminal 4 is absolutely... The Wolves have taken over that term, honestly. So the Wolves are completely unrelated to the copyright infringement. Yeah. They just are very poorly thought through reintroduction of Indigenous Wolves. They started with... Let's put them in Terminal 4 and see how they get on. Well, it's another false economy from Mike, getting the cheap studio.

False economy, using a flight that goes from Terminal 4. They're all piss-take airlines. Buzzfly. Lobby drops, you know? Oh, Whizbang. Airlines. Dick-Pick Airlines. Exactly.

And the Sunglasses Hut is basically run by feral children. Sunglasses Hut Air. Sunglasses Hut Air. And the Wolves are in control of the Terminal. So, you know, you shouldn't be surprised. Anyway, back to the... Yeah, they think it's a news. With hefty licensing costs no longer a concern,

just imagine the possibilities for adapting Henry's story into a feature film. Picture this. The camera pans across iconic New York skyline, and down to a street in the heart of Greenwich Village, Henry walks with calm purpose towards his local store. The collar of his coat upturned against the early morning chill. Standing outside the store is a small child, a schoolboy, played by Benjamin Partridge, who has a short thin stick,

reminiscent of a conductor's baton, which he waves ceremoniously in front of him and taps on a parking meter. The store has an old-fashioned bell above the door to announce the arrival of a new customer. We hear Henry's footsteps, the click of Benjamin's baton, and as Henry pushes the door, the tinkling of the bell and the sweet soaring glissando of a clarinet, playing the opening bars of Rhapsody in Blue.

Take it away, Mike. What happens once Henry's entered the store? That's up to you. But I imagine he is greeted by a mustachioed shopkeeper. Best of luck with the project. So I'm not sure Nathan's really given us enough for that to be a full movie. I don't know if Nathan knows about how you pitch films or how you structure a story.

It's a good perfume ad. Yeah, it's a perfume ad. Whichever bacon company starts releasing a fragrance first, they're going to leap on that. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon.com Thanks to everyone who has signed up at our Patreon, Patreon.com. Thank you.

Thank you. Ford slash three bean salad. Thank you very much. There are three tiers to choose from. And the top tier is called the Sean Bean Tier and part of the Sean Bean Tier allows you access to the Sean Bean Lounge, where we were last night. Where were you ever?

Grums. I see how it was a big one. It was a heavy duty. It was a heavy duty night down in the Sean Bean Lounge, wasn't it? I think, I don't know if this is true, but it felt at least when I walked down the stairs at the beginning that they'd actually put it down a further floor to make it even more subterranean.

It felt kind of deeper in the earth to me. Well, I think that's probably because Ellie Cannell, Louise Meakin, Bryn Rosser had turned up early with their drill clubs that they have. And yeah. They dug it down. They bring the vibe up, but they dig it down, but they bring it up vibe-wise.

Yeah, that's what Cannell goes. The vibe's going up, and meat goes, but the actual floor level is going, and then Rosser goes down. There's a three of them like that. Yeah. They're a great combo. They're brilliant.

You know what David Taylor told me? Because he sidled up to me later on. He was holding a banana, like a hot banana, which he hollowed out, and he'd snuck some gin in inside the banana. Which is strange, because all the drinks are free at the Sean Bean Lounge. All the drinks are free.

Didn't make that much sense. Made no sense at all. He silenced me. He said there was actually hot magma coming out of the taps in the loo. That's how deep we were. They did go deep. So, do you think Brin, Louise, and Ellie took us too deep?

Well, they might have done. But the thing with David Taylor is, I had no idea whether he meant metaphorically or not, because he's always... Well, this is what Esther Smythe was telling me. Might be Smith. Well, that's the thing with Smythe. You don't know if it's Smythe or Smith.

Well, she does that, doesn't she? And she never lets you know. She likes to leave you suspended in mystery. Also, she came in hidden in a hot banana last night, even though she doesn't need to, because she's a member of the lounge. She was delivered in a hot banana. And you know what I think this is about?

It's because Kim K, who is a banana sale... Well, she's a banana sales rep. So, she deals with imports and exports of bananas. Well, on the side. Yeah. On the side. Side hustle. It's a side hustle.

Obviously, she's mainly a satsuma person. Yeah, but last night, metaphorically, she was hiding that in a hot banana. And she didn't want to let anyone know that she was satsuma as well. Because it wasn't satsuma night. Exactly. At the lounge.

Yeah. And it was, well, it was banana night, which probably explains all the banana stuff actually, doesn't it, looking back? Oh, yes. Hang on a minute. I was the only guy not dressed as a banana. Oh, OK.

Oh, I made an inno... No wonder Simo was laughing at me all night and going, why aren't you dressed as a banana? OK, now, I thought she meant... I thought she meant that metaphorically. Well, she had that great big sort of banana gun. A sort of gatling thing strapped her back, didn't she? She was firing many bananas all over the place.

She was. So, what a night it was. It was a cracking night. So, thanks, everyone. And I hope you're all feeling a bit better than we are. Yeah, I'm still recovering. Yes, a bit worse the way. Very, very old sardines in the buffet,

for which we apologise. Yeah, those room temperature prawns should have... We should have put those away a lot quicker. One of those sardines, I think, was alive during World War I, I think. Well, from the stories... From the... It did go on a bit.

Well, from the stories... From the stories and also from his haircut. Is it? No, that was his gas mask. He was. He was going on about the blitz a lot. The weird thing was... Oh, yeah, he also experienced the blitz as well.

That was the unlucky thing. He was in World War I and then caught... Was also caught in the blitz when he was a... He was a home guard prawn at that point. Yeah. And the weird thing about him was, he kept on going on about how tightly packed everyone was in those bombshells,

but he never once used the sardines metaphor. I couldn't work out what was going on with that. Well, he was a prawn, wasn't he? I think that's why... No, he was a sardine, Mike, I think. I don't know. He's so old, it was hard to tell. Well, this is it.

What was he? You see, I assumed he was a sardine. He was hunched with age, but it might have actually just been quite a sort of sprightly prawn. Well, you don't know who asked, do you? He didn't close the fence. And no one seemed to know.

He could have just been a very, very old and shriveled seahorse. He may have galloped during the Crimean War, you mean? War sea horse. The new smashhead plane. The beaches of Normandy. I tell you what, if the guns didn't get you at the charge of the light brigade, the Ottoman...

Sea horse charge. The Ottoman sea horse charge would. Oh, gosh. Yeah, so, have a night. Thanks, Patreon Lounge. So, yes. Yes, and also everyone who joins up to the Patreon, not everyone enters the lounge,

but not everyone can handle it. Okay, and now the final thing to do is work out whose theme tune we're going to be listening to. Oh, yeah. Thank you for sending in your theme tunes. I'm going to put this to you guys. So, we've got modern jazz. We've got violin.

Yeah. We've got bluegrass. I would love... I've been chomping a bit for bluegrass for a while. Let's do that. Lovely. I would love to hear that. Cool.

So, that's by Lilian in Kansas. Oh, yes. Authentic American bluegrass. Oh, it's right on my street. Lovely. All right, well, thank you to Lilian. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone.

Bye. Bye. Bye.