Three Bean Salad - Board Games

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

It’s Ryan from Bremen’s turn to direct the bean chat and he has them get busy on board games.Tim Rice pops up of course. There’s a tiny knight’s helmet and a hot tip for those hoping to thrive socially in any suburban cul-de-sac. All this AND a rare audio visit to the toilets in the Barbican Centre.

Henry, what are you doing? I was doing a little bit of correspondence. Because we're am we calling you doing a bit of admin, didn't we? Yeah, I was doing a little bit of admin. There was a little gap and there was a sort of pause in conversation. I quickly started going through some letters. And then what through your water bill? You were leafing through some bills. And it looked like a moment in the slightly on the nose drama in which someone's having to show the audience that they're in trouble a bit. It looked a little bit like, you know. So it's that sign. It's a bit like if someone coughs in the first act of a check off play, they'll be dead before the seagull gets involved.

This check off's cough, isn't it? It's check off's cough. We've discussed this before. This is a stuffed seagull on the wall of a check off play in the second act. He's filming it. He's filming it all live stream it. You get a seagull eyes view. Yeah. And actually, it's often the most exciting way to look on those shows, isn't it? Because you can see the audience nodding off. Well, you can then do not off sweepstake, can't you? You can have your little nod off bingo. You can do a game at home and work out who's going to nod off. Who's going to fail to resist to answer their phone? Yeah, exactly. I always go for the retired colonel. Always go for the retired colonel. They will always drop off pretty quickly.

They'll often drop off before curtains at the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. But I think, I mean, that's why you fall down. I always go for the single working parent on their first night out in three years. Because they're fighting with every ounce of their being to stay awake. And it's never going to happen. Or have they actually booked it in to have a nap? Because I've done that. Just putting context, how stress on my life can be. I'm not even a parent. And I've been that stressed. It really makes you think a relaxation check off. The relaxation check off experience. No, but I have booked in cinema trips where it's just because I'm stuck in town for a couple of hours, I really want a nap. It's still not

acceptable in this culture to have nap. Napping booths have been on the parliamentary agenda for years. It never gets taken seriously. Because they will of course be co-opted by perverts. It's seen as a pervert's charter. It's basically a way for perverts to position themselves in town centres around the country and basically be immune from prosecution. Yeah, because a pervert booth is technically, it's like international waters, isn't it? There's no legal jurisdiction. It's your own sovereign state. That's right. And the pervert booth lobby have become increasingly powerful. They've got a very young, sexy dynamic leadership. They've rebadged themselves. Pervert booths, isn't it? So pervert booth just makes it sound a bit

more cool, but it's not okay, is it? But some say if you're going to have perverts, keep them in the booth. Don't have them out on the street. I mean, that's the flip side, isn't it? We're better off if the town that you're in has got booths all over the place. At least you know where the pervs are. They're in the booths. You're safe to go from A to B. And also, if you just reverse the goggles on the booth, then suddenly rather than the pervert gobbling at us, the pervert is contained and actually we can goggle at him or her and actually becomes a good way to teach people about perverts. Thanks for reminding us, Henry, that women can be perverts too. That was a good bit of a quality

there. You just saved it at the last moment. We were going down the road of suggesting that only perverts. I mean, the amount of perverted women who were just preparing their emails, weren't they? I could almost sense it, couldn't you? Just an agent of deeply, deeply, deeply perverted women. Which is about 25% of our audience, I gather, from the latest survey. I think that's probably true. Sorry, Mike. Can I just say, I just want to sort of nix that. You had that little opinion that it was a good idea to sort of keep them, keep the perverts isolated within the pods. It's a nice dream, but that's a bit like saying that, oh, the bees are contained within the hive.

No, if you've got a hive on your house, those bees will be coming out and they'll be stinging you hard. Exactly. And they're working for the queen, perv. That's a large slug-like perv. Creating oil jelly and feeding the other pervs with a sharp venomous arse. Yeah. And legions of pervs will be sent out, and you don't even know what their version of nectar is that they're collecting. I mean, I think it's Japanese cartoons, isn't it? It's extreme Japanese comics, yeah. They're taking that, bringing that back to the mother perv. And soiled stringed vests. Yeah.

That feels like quite a retro kind of perv, Mike, you're going for. You're going for the sort of 70s, working a mac. But it's not for something for him to wear, it's something that has been worn. Him or her. Him or her, for him to do what's been worn by, you know, by Paul McCartney, for example, on his first wings tour. It's the kind of knicker-sniffing perv. Yeah, yeah. Perv, doger. Anyway, sorry, Henry, do carry on. Yeah. It's sort of almost a link. It's a murky world, isn't it? It's daytime napping, perving, booths, kiosks. We're talking about...

They're four sides of the same coin. The same cubular coin. They're four sides of the same cubo coin, aren't they? And also, I think, in some way, these things are in some distant way, also linked to the idea of those Japanese very, very small hotels. Yes. The capsule hotels. The capsule hotels. I've talked about these before, haven't I?

Yeah, you've been to a capsule hotel. I think I've talked about it on the pod, haven't I? I must have done, surely. I'm not sure if you have. It's all about in real life. It's all you talk about in real life. It's literally... It's like you're one topic, isn't it? It's my only topic. I think, Henry, you're getting mixed up in your head as well with Japanese love hotels. You're aware of these?

No. Well, they... Well, I have a guess, Henry. Go on. Well, I'm imagining it's a hotel where a lot of love and care has been put into all the details. A nice chocolate mint on your pillow. Welcome to Love Hotels, where we just love customer service. Great beds, soft soaps, superb breakfasts around the clock, and sex workers in every square inch. It's covered in sex workers. I don't think it is sex workers, actually.

I think they're just hotels that you can hire by the hour. Yeah, I think it's for couples who still live at home. Yeah, because I think a lot of people... But again, Ben, the Venn diagram is there again for the urban pervert and the person that enjoys napping. Yes, it's the same. And again, an hourly hotel. I think this is also for the non-urban pervert. This might also be for people who possibly... They're not a pervert, but they live with an urban pervert,

and they don't have any room in their own home to do any... jiggery-pokery. There's no space. It's a tight urban environment. There's a pervert home, or there's a parental unit at home, so you've just got to get out there, and you've got a jiggery-pokery. I don't really understand what you're saying, but it feels like you're trying to make some sort of confession, aren't you? Just say it, Mike.

So, Henry, are you saying that your penchant for a little nap in the daytime takes you to the seedier parts of London? Yes. Yeah, between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia. Next stop, urban enlightenment. The glamorous London life of Henry Macca. Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I know! What I'm saying is, if you were to take a very blinkered, narrow-minded look at my paper trail, my credit card receipts, let's go through a lot of my good... The FBI profiler who's going through those documents and his chills to the core. I follow a lot of my body heatmaps throughout the day. Almost exactly follow what the police around the world refer to as the idea of the perfect perv. The person is uniquely perverted in every aspect.

It was only ever meant to be a theoretical model. It didn't seem to actually possibly exist. It's just for illustration purposes in lectures, to criminologists. Yeah, I remember that. That was just some crazy story they sold us all back at Perv School. No one ever thought it was real. Yeah, that's what it says. A lot of daytime napping. Well, you'll often find yourself checking into a peep show, won't you? Because it's often quite a quiet place for a quick nap. And you always sign the comments book afterwards, don't you?

You just love to leave that trail. I'd like to encourage it as an industry, because it keeps the daytime nappers like me going, frankly, so it's crucial to us. The fact that a lot of this stuff is moved online has actually not been good for people like me. I've been almost single-handedly keeping some of the businesses in Soho going. Also, the downstairs erotic VHS shops. They're having a rough time of it, those guys. And you see a lot of people campaigning for libraries, you know, your YenTobs. Support your local bookshop people, you know, wearing t-shirts.

All that stuff. But your downstairs VHS, erotic Megamart, they didn't get any support. You're there on your own, aren't you? It's YenTobs gang on Parliament Square, and you're, you know, safe districts away. They won't come near you standing there with your sandwich board. Screaming into the parliamentary wins. No one's listening. No one's listening. But, you know, those places, they're basically places where in the day you can go, you can sit. So a lot of those times, those downstairs places will have a small curtained area. And that's all I need. A small curtained area with a chair. It's often only about two foot square, isn't it? Sometimes there's no chair. It's just a space

of floor and you have to, you know, just a space of floor that's all I need. Just a space of floor that's up onto a heap, into a heap on the floor. Yeah, you hook your feet into the ceiling and sort of upside down like a bat, aren't you? You hook your feet into the strap. Yeah, and I'm good to go. That's all I need. And weirdly, as it happens, it's exactly the same requirements of someone using those shop, those shops for more perverted purposes. So it's just, so you say that you're supporting these businesses, but you're actually just going in and falling asleep and not spending a single pound. That is a good point, you know. It's quite similar to what I do with costars.

Yeah. And sometimes I'll spend the whole day in there and they'll be like, come on, mate. I'm someone who, so I do need to nap. My ideal napping situation is you go on top of, say in the afternoon, when you're having your post lunch dip, you get onto a bed, head down at the feet end. But your feet down the head end, you're not both. So yeah, you get your head down the feet end, feet at the pillow end, on top of the duvet. So you don't fall into deep sleep by accident, because then you have that horrible thing where you wake up two hours later and all you can say is, oh, what? What? We'll say to you, it's four o'clock. And you go, what, four o'clock? When?

Four o'clock now? Yeah, you get some extreme jet lag. Who's the prime minister? Am I? I'm the prime minister. I know that I'm the prime minister, but which one? What? What? Quickly declare war now on everything and then we'll work it out later in the wash. That's why it's particularly important that actual prime ministers don't accidentally fall asleep during a nap. Yes, because you want to not fall asleep. But I can nap on trains and bicycles. Bicycles. But also in a coaster or any sort of cafe franchise, I will, I have a technique which is that I put on my large, heavy coat, which has a hood, and I pull the hood forward. Calling this a trick, though.

Well, it's a form of visual. It's an illusion. It's a life hack. So I put on a heavy green coat with a large hood which I pull forward, and then I put on a pair of dark sunglasses. This is literally the criminologist profile, isn't it, of the mega-pair that we talked about. Again, an image that was meant to be a thought experiment of nothing more. He's literally wearing the front cover of the pervert textbook we all have. Dark glasses. Heavy, heavy coat and hood pulled forward, and then I just sit and I just fall asleep. But the idea is that if you look at me, I could just be a pervert.

I could be an awake pervert having a coffee. Having a perfect recovery. I'm actually just a sleep non-pervert. And a sleep illustrator. And a sleep illustrator. So you know what they say, don't poke a sleeping illustrator, because he might be a pervert. He might try and sell you an old razzle in the middle of Costa. He's drawn.

Do you not have the thing that I have, and I think a lot of people have, that when one wakes up from a nap, you feel like you have a hangover worse than every hangover you've ever had in your life, and you're going to have it for a thousand years. I just feel so groggy and gross. Yeah, it's the end of thought, the end of energy, the end of everything. That's it. Yeah, I believe that's because you have slept the wrong way around. You may have slept the wrong way around.

It's got to be. So actually, a sofa is a good place to do it as well. A place that you don't associate with. Because if you go deep into your deep sleep, Ben, you're going deep into your diurnal rhythms. But this is why, you know, this brings us full circle. This is why nap booths would be such a good idea, because in the middle of the day, if you're knackered, you need a nap. And I think this would increase productivity for the country.

You just slip into one of these booths, 20 minutes. Maybe you should have a ping, 20 minutes you're done, the door opens and you're out. It'd be quite good if, as you wake up, there's a ping as you wake up. And the booth just fills with like cherry vape juice smoke or something, just to really like invigorate you as you come out with the booth as well. So you get a kind of moment, you know, and deodorize it for the next person as well, I suppose. Well, exactly. Yeah.

Or you use, because that's the carrot method, or you use stick, which is that after 20 minutes there's a ding and it turns into one of those street urinals you get. And it fills up with perverts. Fills up with perverts and piss. So you need to get back out of there and back into your meeting. You know, you've got your four o'clock meeting, you're now zingy fresh and you're up. But so that's why in the past, I have had to duck into cinemas again, which is quite a sort of maps onto that pervert day pattern quite well.

Pop into an afternoon sharing of a film. And maybe just let you be. The hooded man in dark sunglasses skulking into a cinema in the middle of the day is suspect. Whatever they say they're playing, you think, oh, they're playing someone else. They've got a back room somewhere. And also that'll be someone escaping from the law might do that. That's something you do. You pop into a quite deserted daytime.

You must know a lot of fugitives by now, surely? You know what? We are a bit of a community and we actually have a bit of a laugh. And you all just love Pixar. So whenever the next one comes out, we'll be there. And actually, you know, we were disappointed by the Buzz Lightyear movie. But I think they've earned it. They did four great toy stories.

And that's our general position on it is four great toy stories. They earned it. Did anyone see that film? It really passed me. I knew that it was happening, but I don't know if I've met anyone or heard of anyone having seen it. Such a bad idea. Such a bad idea.

I think, yeah, I think it was supposed to be quite bad. Because I think that because in the in Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear is a toy, a space man who thinks he's a real space man. And the joke, the whole foundational take of his character is that he thinks he's a real space man. He's actually just a toy. Yeah. And the film is the origin story of the actual Buzz Lightyear who is a space man.

So are they now saying... It's the origin story of his own delusion. Maybe it's quite profound, potentially. No, I think they're saying it's real. Is the idea that the toy is based on a real man, and we are seeing the real man's story. But that's... Oh, I see, he's the merch.

So the one we got to know is the merch. But that's Bollocks, Ben. That's Bollocks because... The merch of the fictional character that was based on a real character that can't possibly have been a real character. But listen, Ben, I don't want to... Look, I've talked about this with The Fugitive. Can you just change your tone for a second, Henry,

as if I came up with this film and wrote it? Yeah, but look. Ben, okay, I'm used to discussing this with Diamond Thieves and International Scoundrels and Perverts. Money laundress. Money laundress. And it gets quite heated. The point is that undermines Buzz Lightyear and all those other films.

And I know a guy who makes his living drilling through safes. He's an underground safe-driller. He will not watch the first foreign act because they've been ruined for him. And he's a guy who needs to relax. If anyone needs to relax. He really needs to relax. He can only work nice.

He can only work nice. He barely sees his family. Things can go wrong in an instant. Inflation is hitting them hard because he steals cash money. So it's not a good time for him. He won't watch the first foreign act because it now means that Buzz Lightyear was right in a way to think he was a spaceman, sort of. Oh, I see what you mean.

Yeah. So all of a sudden, Woody looks a bit super silly as an arch. And... Exactly. I know, but would he... Hang on, Mike, Woody all along has been the most unpleasant character in the whole franchise. Awful.

Is that true? Awful man. Do you not think? Is that true? He's so arch. He's smug. He's so smug. Is he a smug bastard with a heart of gold, though, Ben?

He's got a saving grace. He's a smug... Yeah. He's a smug bastard with a heart of smug. He's just pure Bongiman without any saving grace. God, there's a thought. He's the villain of Toy Story. Is this a kind of counter-cultural theory that's developed?

Well, what's the... Oh, is this some classic BP naysaying? I love BP naysaying. Yeah, Ben loves to naysay, sort of like the cherished jewels of popular culture. Ben loves to naysay. Some of his big bits in the past. Often, he'll give you a lot of rope to hang yourself with up. There's many times when you and I, Henry, have been talking happily about some cultural gem.

Patricia Routledge, for example. Patricia Routledge is a chastky and chastky and chastky, and he's just... I would never... Benjamin Bongiman is just sitting there, just waiting to pounce. We don't even see this sting coming around. That's right. The back. Like a scorpion.

Yeah. Because... And he'll be smiling as he usually does with that deceptively coy, lovable grin of a scorpion on his face. You'll just think, oh, it's just... But that sting is right there. Turns out he's a scorpion king. Because Wallace and Gromit, for example, you're absolutely distraught.

Oh, God, I can't understand that. But I don't think it's a good personality trait to have. I don't think it's a good part of my personality. I think it's a deeply unpleasant part of my personality. No, I quite like it, Ben. Keeps you sharp, doesn't it? It's like... My dad, for example, is a bit of an a-sayer, actually.

Maybe this is a trial like this trait in Yuba. Say, see, my dad has done some of the most audacious naysay. And also quite random naysay. I think maybe it's a quality of... This wouldn't be surprised if this is a sort of... Maybe a slightly middle-aged quality that maybe some... We'll start leaning into it, you know. Which is like just randomly disliking something.

For example, the sea. He hasn't gone as big as that yet. But he, for example, he hates desert island desks. Oh, that's such a good one. He will not listen to it. And I don't know why. None of us really know why. It's been an absolute line in the sand.

You cannot cross. So because I'm a kindred spirit of your father, I think what it is, and this is true of Wallace and Gromit as well, there's nothing that's wrong with Wallace and Gromit. And there's nothing that's wrong with desert island desks, actually, they're both fine. But they've been deified to such a degree. I think it's the definite thing with Wallace and Gromit.

It's talked about as if it's on a par with the bible, and not that I think the bible is necessarily the gold standard, but it's just put in this odd pantheon of completely untouched and brilliant things. And that is when I start my little scorpion stings stutters, vibrating. But it does, for me, it has some of the dark thrill of the pervo booth. This kind of conversation.

A strong nace. A strong nace. For example, it would be like, for example, can you imagine how deliciously dark it would taste to slag off the Paddington films? That's a rich brew, Henry. That is such a dark and rich brew. Now, I'm not saying that I would pour that brew or taste that brew, but...

I definitely wouldn't drink that brew. I would... It's an apple of temptation, isn't it? Just to see how it felt. But I think, Henry, you're absolutely in the right ballpark. I'd say Paddington's dangerously close to being in there. But I think it's just too good. I think it doesn't sound that good.

Yeah, that's the trouble. Can I say, absolutely pathetic display by you've totally terrified by the pro Paddington lobby. You both have to say that. Hey, it's the times we live in. It's the times we live in. You knew it was going to be all over the... History will understand our cowardice.

Do either of you know anyone who's got some good naysays? This might be almost too hot for the podcast. Oh, my God. The richest brew. This is the darkest, most taboo brew. Hello, Ben here. The taboo brew that we are about to sit from is so taboo. That we are going to beep out the name of the person

who has this opinion and stirs this brew. The reprisals would simply be too swift and too bloody for us to countenance. Thank you. Okay, Henry, I think we're ready. Who is it and what is their naysay? Hate. Not Claudia Winkerman.

Not Claudia Winkerman. Not Attenborough. Sir David Attenborough. No. I don't even know if we can put this out. I mean, I don't know if the government will let us put that out. He thinks...

He's going to have to off-grid. There is no off-grid for Attenborough. He thinks that all of his output is total rubbish. That's awful, isn't it? Fantastically bold. That's almost provocative naysaying, isn't it? I mean, there's naysaying that's quite exciting and dangerous, but there's naysay that just...

He's just someone who wants to dust up. I think he's just looking for a fight, isn't he? I mean, I think the trouble with naysaying is, once you decide to naysay something, for example, Attenborough, the more love it gets, which is loads, the more entrenched and angry you get, and the more committed to your naysaying you become, because everyone is just lording this thing so much all the time.

I'm quite sure what his argument is with Attenborough. I think it might be that it's just a lot of animals running around. Anyone could do that. I could have just left McCamcorder in the Serengeti, come back a few months later and picked it up. Exactly. I sort of don't really watch them. I find them a bit boring, but I would never naysay.

Do you like the sort of epic rousing music you get? I'm still swept away by the grandeur, the majesty. I like the grandeur. It still works on me. I just think these days, look, we know that it's possible to CGI in dinosaurs, but they don't. You think it's a wasted opportunity? Absolutely.

It's an open goal that they keep missing every series. Ben, they did do, I think, what would be looked back on as one of a sort of weird mistake that was made in the CG era, which was they did those as if they were nature documentaries, things about dinosaurs using CG. Even Atomford did those, actually. That feels like... And the CGI, certainly, it was at a stage where it just

wasn't good enough either. I mean, this is 15 years ago. And that scene where he was battling the Tyrannosaurus Rex. With the bazooka. When he put the time in, Edny, he put the time in with the BBC, and this was a long, long deal. He said, if I managed to make you 400,000 hours of telly, then you've got to let me film a thing where I fight a T-Rex

with a bazooka. 50 years ago, they said, all right, fine, Dave, whatever you say, mate, don't worry about it. They didn't think you'd make it. No, they did. And they had to come good. I think part of my question about it is, I just find it incredible that they haven't yet covered everything.

How are they still finding animals that are doing interesting stuff? Oh, God, this is beginning of a conspiracy theory. Every series, they find, like, what, 10 new animals doing some odd thing. And it's like, what? I do know what you mean, actually, especially the deep sea. And they'll be like, how have I never heard of this? There's an animal.

There's, like, a fish that looks exactly like a bus. There's a bus fish. It's even got Piccadilly Circus written on the front. And it's developed that as a cannibal. It's got a Gucci advert along the side. It's got a Gucci advert up base every year. And it's like, how can I not have heard that animal is insane? How have I not heard about that till now?

They've gone through, they've done Blue Planet 1, Blue Planet 2. They thought, well, we won't bother with the bus animal. We'll do the bus fish later, as he does. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. The amount is a bit, um... I think they're CGI-ing them in. I think that's what we realized. I think they're CGI-ing them in.

Well, if any of the listeners are part of the CGI team for Edinburgh and in the mood for some whistle-blowing, touch. And here it is, the bus fish. All aboard. Ben, I'm sorry. Get that on your voice over fucking CV, mate. That's good.

That's an Edinburgh. Henry, Edinburgh died years ago. It's just me. Whoa! That's why I couldn't naysay it. Okay, let's turn on the bean machine. Yes, please. The bean machine.

This week's topic, as sent in by Ryan. Thank you, Ryan. From the suite, Port O'Brayman. Is board games. They're, um, board games are having a sort of resurgence, aren't they, or something? Like, um, they're massive now. They are, but I think it's not your kind of cluedo, monopoly, kaplunk, buckaroo, end of the spectrum, is it?

It's like an incredibly involved game made by a German philosopher about, you know, the old town squares of the Hanseatic League. Yeah. I think the more obscure the better. I've got a friend who lives near me who's big time into board games. To the extent that almost every wall of her house is shelf after shelf of board games. Yeah. I think I could get into it.

Like, I think I would enjoy it. She's, but she's put us onto some, some goodens. Yeah. To be sure. What's a good one? Digsit is the one she put us onto. Is the, there's the family hit. Right.

What's that? TXIT. That's quite cool. It's one where basically everyone, it's a stack of unique cards, and you have to write down what, what you think that card might represent. Could be anything at all. To you, or a little, could be a little phrase, anything. And then everyone does the same, and you have to guess what that person's,

which of the phrases you've put into the hat was the person's who's got was. It's the idea. See, I, we've just encompassed you. I've already foxed you. This is, but this is the problem. This is the problem with board games. This is totally foxed me. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah. But I mean, that's the true test. That means it's a proper board game. That means that someone has genuinely made a proper board game. It's not just a game. It's a board game. No one understood after the first relaying of the instructions of the game.

Even though the relay of the instructions felt that he did a pretty clear job. So I'm already, I'm already feeling irritable now that I have to explain it again. So I feel like I'm at a family board game. Yeah. And it feels, it feels like you're close to saying the immortal phrase. Look, we'll just work it out as we go along. You always get to that stage after the second reading with the rules. This is just how many fucking, this is a test, this is a test round.

Fucking count. What are you doing? Leave that alone. No, you don't. Those are the counters for the dealer. I keep those counters. You take that little soldering iron. That's you.

You're the soldering iron. Okay. I've already given you the soldering iron. These ones are my pencils. These are my pencils specifically for me to snap in half when I'm furious. They're not for use in the game. They're my snapping pencils. Remember, if the pencils snap, I don't snap as badly.

Have you taken a baker's card? You've taken a bit, for goodness sake. Oh, great. Who is supposed to shuffle? You haven't, you obviously haven't shuffled them. No one's shuffled them. Otherwise, how has, how has you got a hand on a baker's card? This is ridiculous.

Darling, how many times do I have to tell you? You're Panama. Yes. You're Panama. I'm not raising my voice. I'm not raising my voice. I'm just, it's very hard to be heard when everyone's shouting, and I'm trying to tell you one of the instructions.

Where's the tiny knight's helmet? What are you doing with it? No, not the one that's related to the game. My axe shot my personal one. I feel the need to put this on. Yes, you are playing, Grandma. Of course, it's a six-player game. No, you're not Panama anymore.

You're now Moe. 10 minutes ago, you were Panama, now you're Moe. How much clearer could this be? Getting the grandparents involved in board games is a special thing of its own, isn't it? It's dangerous territory. Yeah. They really, they're no longer with me,

but they would always be a passenger, really. It's normally, in our household, it's normally, I would say we're no more than six minutes in before one of the children has basically decided that they will be the grandparents' champion, and they are now playing two games, their game and the grandparents' game, and the grandparent is perfectly happy with that.

The grandparent becomes a kind of vassal of the child. Exactly. There's also, as a child, I remember, often there's, essentially, there's a board game, which is lots of fun-looking bits of plastic and metal and pieces, but there's these cards with information written on them that turning this into a really boring, slow, dull, and a thick leaflet of type in seven different languages

that your father was trying to pull through. Just how are you going to see if you can manage the German? Just give me a minute. I just wanted to give it a go. It's about as fun as assembling a washing machine. At that point. And as a kid, you're thinking, I could literally just play with these little mini cars

and this tiny little horse. Yeah. I could just completely free my child's imagination running wild into worlds that have never been explored before. No. I could put the hat. No. I want to put the hat, the little metal hat on,

the little metal Scotty Dog. Imagine what this Scotty Dog could do with a magic hat. Shut up. This is about property. It's about property and investment and beauty competitions. It's about life. All of life is here. Prison.

Parking. And the geography for London, which is the only geography you really need to know. Do you understand? I can't believe we haven't talked about it. I feel like we've done board games. I feel like we've talked about it. But maybe Monopoly's come up.

I feel like it might not come up. Monopoly was, it was of a Bolton in our house. We didn't play Monopoly at all with my childhood. Because your parents were aware of its roots as an anti-capitalist parable and didn't want you to fall in with the commie nature of it. The reverse. The reverse.

They hadn't seen the parable element. They didn't trust you to get the irony. They didn't trust me to get any of this. None of that at all. They thought it would just turn me into a hedge fund manager. And staunch pinkos that they were. No dice. Literally.

Yeah. Excuse me. So it is Monopoly an anti-capitalist metaphor. So it was originally made as an anti-capitalist metaphor. Really? I didn't know that. I think. But then that original board game was then bought by

Megalopoly board game sort of who turned it into. Funko. Who then just turned it into a celebration of capitalism. Oh, right. Well, I mean, it does, it works quite well, doesn't it? As a, because of what it does to everyone emotionally and how it destroys families and communities. Yeah.

It sort of feels like it kind of maybe like strengthens your family potentially. If you survive it, you know, like it's like a thing. You come out strong. Yeah. Yeah. But many will fall on the wayside. Yeah.

Also with Monopoly, as with a lot of board games, sometimes you'll pay it with another family and they'll just have a weird rule that they are like, no, that's the rule. That's very true. And you're like, what? Oh, the family variance, of course. Every property goes to auction.

What? And little Jamie is the auctioneer. He's always the auctioneer. Jamie with his little fucking sailor suit. Yeah, but Trivial Pursuit has that as well with how to win it at the end. There's often quite a lot of debate about what you need to do to actually win

the game at Trivial Pursuit at the end. I don't think I've ever got to the end. And also, are they called cheeses or slices or wedges? Or pies. Or wedges. Or pies, pie wedges. Yeah, cheeses I think we had. It's a bit of a leveler.

It's a bit of a leveler, isn't it? I always find Trivial Pursuit tragically. Well, your normal, the point with Trivial Pursuit is most people's box of Trivial Pursuit was from 1975. So all the questions are like, Yeah, you've got to know about the crankies. You've got to know. All the popular culture questions are very much of a time.

You've got to know about the particular political situation in Belize in 1972. Yeah, a lot of references to Yugoslavia. But then this time, having had additions, didn't they? Like, sort of kids additions. And I always feel a bit nervous when I go into someone's house who, especially if they put it prominently, a copy of the genius edition of the Trivial Pursuit.

I mean, it's like. Oh, what's that? There's like a specially hard one. It's basically, it's like the ultimate coffee table book, you know, the sort of thing that you put out to let people know, you know, we're of a certain class academically in this household. I've been in a couple of houses where it's been out

and on display, never seen anyone play it. I remember my some friends of my parents growing up basically, they lived in the suburb. They were quite a suburban sort of family. Grey skin. Grey skin. They got around on a sort of one of those lawn mower cars thing. Always, always mowing lawn, like always mowing lawn all the time.

She would chuck out, you know, squares of that sort of turf stuff you get on. Astro turf. She'd chuck out. She'd mow astro turf. She'd chuck out squares of astro turf in front of it and he'd drive across, you know what I mean? That's how they got around town.

They couldn't go anywhere without feeling they were mowing and barbecuing, going off on the back. But what happens in their sort of suburb? I always thought, I don't want to become this. Whatever happens to me, I don't want to become this. In their suburb. Happy. There was a...

Content. Happy. Affordable mortgage. Yeah. Living near a Greenbelt area. Yeah. Twisted by ambition. In their suburb, them and other couples would get together

and play Trial Pursuit. And the Trial Pursuit League sort of thing they had. So already I thought, that's not going to be my life. I'm going to at least try grass, make that step, be remarkable or die trying. Be part of this great town within zones one to four. Not the burbs. I'm going to go to the Barbican once every four years.

Yes. And watch a difficult physical theatre piece. And yes, I'll be befuddled by the lifts, which are complicated because there's one that goes from the sub-basement to level two and then there's a separate one to go from three. So it's actually quite difficult to get from the cafeteria area to that physical dance show. Yeah.

And quite often I'll get lost. Be confused by, hang on. Is this a leisure area or do people live here? I don't quite know what's going on. Not entirely, sure. If anyone's living room, I don't know. It's just a futuristic preserve or, no, it's just the Barbican toilet. It's like I'm sort of playing mental three-dimensional chess,

but I'm literally just having a piss in the Barbican room. And that's what's so remarkable about this town. I'm going to live it or die trying, but I'm not going to be part of a suburban triple-pursuit league. Yeah? I would rather die and be eaten by rats in the heart of the Piccadilly Circus. Do you know what I mean?

I'd rather be surrounded by disinterested tourists. Surrounded by disinterested tourists. I'd rather be, frankly, in an alley behind Mamma Mia. Being beaten up by Michael Ball. Being forced to have Maltesers. Right, Tim Rice, you know, to the entertainment of a baying mob. But at least be part of that great dream. Whereas, but not to be playing a triple-pursuit league as an adult,

because, but this is the bit which has really clinched it for me, which is they told us once that they'd won the triple-pursuit league. And how would they won it? They'd learnt the answers. Oh, no. So it was just a memory recall game, basically. They had just read the back of the cards. They'd memorised trivial pursuit.

They'd learnt the whole of trivial pursuit. So that's, presumably, that's their sort of Monday, Wednesday, Friday evenings. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's weekends. Come on, Gwyneth. That's. Sit yourself down.

We're going to. We're hitting. Balls and tennis, right? Yeah. So that's card 799. Blue. Peter, can't we do swinging instead? No.

Not until you know your Pelle Vital statistics inside out. Yes, you've mastered science and nature, but you've not even scratched the surface of entertainment. Yeah, it's pretty heavy stuff, that. That is, I've got nothing against a general sort of spectacular waste of time pursuit in pastimes. Nothing at all. But that chills me.

Maybe it's the competitive element. Maybe that's what it is. It's the spectacular waste of time plus. Well, the competitive thing is. And it does bring out the worst, Gwyneth, because I've had this before. I tend to go into board games, which is not that often, but I go into it with the spirit of,

this is all just a bit of fun and it's silly, and don't let whatever happens, Henry, you're not going to be that guy. Who at least have that thought before you become that guy? I used to have that thought before I became that guy. But I tell you what happens is, I go into it with that mindset, which is I'm not going to become that,

everyone else has just cut some people that have hired a holiday cottage for the weekend and they're trying to have some nice time. Maybe it's someone's 40th or whatever. But there'll be one person that turns into this twisted macabre sort of phantom of the opera. So leave me, leave me be, figure, for the whole weekend that just unearthed

such as deep darkness in their soul. And you don't want to be that person because fundamentally it's very, very embarrassing. But I tell you what gets me is, I'll go into it with the attitude and then, where you're vulnerable, I think, is when you start to do well. Because I'll go into it and I'll be like,

it's just a bit of fun, it's monopoly. Who cares? And then then, if a couple of hours later, I'm doing it, I'll be like, hang on a minute, I've actually controlling, I've entirely controlled one segment of the ball. I've currently got more money than everyone except Gary, but he works in the city so he's gone for advantage,

but if I can take down Gary. And then you start, when he's taken down a peg or two as well, Gary, he tells, doesn't he? Oh, they'd look at me differently if I was to take down Gary. Oh, they'd think of me differently. Oh, they'd respect me, wouldn't they? Yeah. And I've been stewing on this for a while,

but I noticed last night that Gary took the last slice of lasagna without asking anyone else if they wanted the last slice of lasagna. He deserves this. He took the scraping bits at the bottom. Maybe it is eccentric the way I cook all my lasagnas in a round tart tin and do serve them in pizza-shaped slices. And maybe that is something I should be judged for. But it was travel pursuit themed.

And that's why we call them lasagnas. They're not wedges in this half. I'm not told. Enough, enough. That's circular lasagna slices. Oh, I've got the art of literature to lasagna. The most prized lasagna of all. Yeah, I guess I didn't really know about sport and stuff and pop,

but yeah, the classics, sure. Oh, yeah. There is a snobbery, isn't there, about which topic you're good at. Like, it almost hurts me when I get a science of nature one right. But also, because also, actually, people carry into travel pursuit any who you're perceived to be or who that's like, oh, well, you'll be good at this one. Yeah, yeah.

It's the, it's the literature one. And then you're like, oh, God, actually, I don't sort of just pretend to be intellectual. Oh, shit, this could really expose me badly. Yeah, you're a history buff, aren't you? You once told us a really boring anecdote about a Montenegro castle. Oh, yes.

Oh, God, I read that on my phone. I didn't even really know it. But so, yeah, it's when you start doing well, and when your soul makes this deal with the concept of winning, of like, I'd quite like to win this. I'd actually quite like that. That's when, when you start taking on Gary, you do things like, you know, you aggressively buy white hole,

just to screw him over. You don't even need white hole. I can't remember how it works, exactly. But that, and then when it starts, when you start losing, then when it starts falling away from you, when you start feeling that victory go, that's when you can turn into, and then you are full-on phantom of the opera

of the rest of the holiday. Henry, Henry, Henry, Henry, stop it. Someone's whispering in your ear. Yeah, yeah. Henry, darling. What, I'm fine. I'm just playing the game. I'm fine.

I'm just playing it properly, if that's all right. Do you mind? Is that okay? And at that point, for you, the little dog, and where the little doggy goes, and the little green hotels, and that matters to you more than your body, your nervous system is tied into that,

as that is your reality. That is all that matters in that moment. And that's why you can make an absolute pillick of yourself. So the specific kind of board game demon that I become, twisted gremlin, is less to do with winning, and more to do with making sure

everyone's actually taking it seriously. Otherwise, what's the point? Otherwise, what's the point? What are we doing here? That is me. So, and it'll often be, in my experience, it's often, or in my family anyway, it was often my mother,

who would halfway through say something like, well, I'm not really playing, am I? What? Because if you're not really playing, then none of us are really playing, right? Yeah, then what is the point? They're wasting my time. Yeah, exactly.

Sure, be all lackadaisical, but you're wasting precious life. We could have been watching Ghostbusters, okay, and now we're doing this. Because now if I win, that's completely empty, isn't it? You said I wasn't allowed to watch Die Hard, Mum, and you said we're going to watch a board game, do a board game instead, but so at least play it, okay?

All my friends will be watching Die Hard. Everyone's, Marcus is going to be watching Die Hard, Sam's going to be watching Die Hard. They're all going to be watching Die Hard. I am old enough. And it's just actually a Christmas movie, which not all the people know, and that's, yes, and it is a Christmas movie, actually.

Yeah, it is. And 12's just a guide. I'm basically 12. Time for your emails. This represents progress, like a robot shoeing a horse. My beautiful horse. This is from Richard in Devon.

Dear Beans, on hearing your off-topic discussion about the Hound of the Baskervilles, which we discussed for you episodes ago, I was instantly reminded of a food van in Mike's neck of the woods. Close to Hound Tour on Dartsmore. Oh, a tour? Yeah.

So that's a small pile of rocks. Is that a tour? No, no, what's a tour? No, that's like a sort of big hill. That's a can. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got, you've got quite a good line

of sort of romantic names for quite, quite humdrum things, haven't you? Oh, that's not at all. We're all about marketing. Oh, that's not a small hill. Down our way. That's a can. Okay, yeah.

I've sent you both the photograph that he has sent us on WhatsApp. Oh. He writes, as you can see from the attached photo, the name of this food van could be the greatest pun in the history of mankind, Hound of the Baskervilles. That's amazing.

Since the late 80s, it has maintained a reputation for the finest bovril and fruitcake he's ever done. A bovril, I've got bovril. It's on the livery. Hot chocolate, coffee, bovril. Wow. Potion made tea. Hound of the Baskervilles.

It just doesn't work. Does it? Thing is, because I'm taken in by basket meals, and I've completely forgotten about the fact that they've used the word hound, which doesn't apply to it's a van. It's not a hound. Also, how is it hound-like?

Don't know what I mean. Does that mean it's terrorizing? Because the basket meals, because in the hound of the Baskervilles, I think it might just mean it's based in a basket meal. Okay, pops out of you. Okay, because in the hound of the Baskervilles, the Baskerville family, I believe,

isn't it terrorized and sort of cursed by this hound? So, what they're suggesting here is that they're basket meals. It's a family called the basket meals. Yeah. And this van is the hound? Grandes. This van is effectively the hound of the basket meals,

because this van, what terrorizes the basket meal family, mows them down on the moor. Probably plays loud music over the PA, outside their garage, at least. Because you can imagine, kind of, the owner of this van, imagine how long they spent trying to find a punt on the word for a van that also worked with hound.

It also seems unlikely that they do serve basket meals. Am I being unfair? I don't know, but I've never seen a basket meal coming out of a van. Also, I'm going to make quite a bold statement, which is I'm going to say that there is no such thing as a basket meal. I've literally never once had

a friend's basket meal in my whole life. Well, that smells so good. Well, this is your metropolitan elite, Henry. That's because you live in London. That's because you're the Poji berries. Yeah, 0.5%. That's because I'm so high and mighty with my plates.

Oh, he'll only eat food off a plate. Oh, your majesty. You've never heard of chicken in a basket? Yeah. What if I'm scampy, scampy in a basket? If I'm bored of a chicken, I'll maybe sometimes scramble it up and throw it in a waste paper basket.

No, no, you get a basket and you put some of the good stuff in it. You put your chicken, your scampy, your chips. And then it's normally like four quid, yeah. Okay, I see what you're saying. And there's some grease-proof papers there in between the... Which is... There we go.

And the idea is you can reuse the basket, but you dispose of the grease-proof paper. Yeah, and you eat the food. You eat the food. Okay, I've never heard that referred to as a basket meal, but it feels to me it's overemphasizing the role of the basket in the meal. You don't call it a plate meal when you eat a roast,

or something roast. Should we go for a plate meal this Sunday? It'd be nice, wouldn't it? Get the family... Oh, I don't know. We have bold breakfasts every morning in my place. That's just the way it is. And actually, what am I talking about?

Because right now I'm enjoying a cup of tea. All right, good point. The basket meal is often a bit cheaper than the other meals in a place, you know what I mean? Like, it's a bit of a deal. Well, that's because basket weaving is a... Well, it's subsidized by the government. It's subsidized.

Unlike plate making. Well, a bovril is interesting, isn't it? I've not seen bovril advertised on sale. The thing ever, actually. I associate it with football grounds. Isn't it something you can buy in a football ground? You only really get it in the smartest cafes around my way. But, yeah, if you've saved up Sunday treats.

I mean, obviously in Arsenal, Henry, you know, it's a chilled Cabernet Sauvignon, isn't it? That's right. That's right. It's sold on the terrace. Yeah. Yeah, drunk through a novelty hat. That's right.

Yeah, so bovril, is that a thing to explain to American listeners and stuff? What bovril is? Beef, a beef hot beef drink. It's a hot beef. It's a hot beef drink. Very fortifying. Yeah.

But it's a branded one. So what you say, Mike, in your local cafes, that'd be quite a posh one would have that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So the others would be doing their own home. Yeah, they'll be straining their own beaves at home and just trying to make some sort of moonshine bovril if they can.

And finally, on the topic of Mike's wonderful provincial life, Liana from Kalamazoo writes in. Ooh. Dear Beans, I think I have the potential to be an upstanding provincial dad. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hit my bloody walking boots? Darling, have you been relabeling my paraffin and white spirit bottles?

Gage escapes on kids otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course I've kept the warranty information, darling. I live in a Michigan suburb, Kalamazoo. Very good. I have no children and I'm a 33-year-old woman.

But I think I have the following qualities that lay a strong foundation for provincial dadliness. So I think maybe you can confer these status on her or not. Mike, you can decide whether she's doing it. I'm the first to wake in the house and take care of all the pets before work. Very good. Yeah, strong start.

I enjoy grilling. Absolutely solid gold. I check the weather frequently. I plan road trip itineraries down to the minute. Oh, there we go. That's a very strong one. I love repairing old broken things instead of buying new ones.

That's quite alpha provincial dad. Not all of us can do that. Yeah, that's top of the pile. Who aspired to that? Yeah, my kingdom to be such a provincial dad. I have a deep appreciation for puns. Yeah, okay. There's a lot of that about, in my neck of the woods.

Yeah, awful company. That's quite a key part of this. I own a white 2013 Hyundai Accent hatchback. Oh, how are you talking? Wow. Yeah. My top musical performers are Led Zeppelin, the Black Keys, Kat Stevens, Paul Simon, Bruce Springsteen,

Fleetwood Max, Seely Dan and Eric Clapton. Good grief. Yes, I mean, she's it. She's the pletonic ideal of a provincial Middle Age dad. Perfect. Put on all the t-shirts right this minute. Put her on the cover of a drive time rock music album compilation.

I love outdoorsy camping gadgets and multi-tools. Yeah, the multi-tool thing in particular. I get frustrated when my husband fiddles with the thermostat. Yeah, does he need to? Could he just put on a jumper? I occasionally grunt when rising from the floor or couch. Oh, Leanna, she is the man I wish I could be. What are some of the skills or qualities

that I should add to the list? Are there any specific British or Devon-based dadly characteristics that I should cultivate? Thank you for aiding me in my quest to achieve maximum dadosity. Hope you're well, Leanna from Kalamazoo. I don't think I've come across anyone who's achieved maximum dadosity.

So I mean, there's nothing else I can offer here. I mean, the only possibility she could do, and this would be, this is a garnish to a provincial Middle Age dad life here. It's not necessary at all. It's gilding the lily, if anything. She could, if she's interested, think about a major pastime project.

For example, renovating the garage into a snooker room. Or the other way around, if you already have a snooker room. Or the other way around. She could spend money she doesn't have on too many guitars, model aeroplanes, any sort of animal, husbandry, chickens, whatever. That's, you know, so pastimes wise, go for it. So she might need a big money-sucking project.

A money-sucking project or pastime would be good, because it's just, it's good chat fuel when you're coming across. You know, once you've covered, you know, how are you going to get from Banbury to Stoke? You've covered that. You've covered the weather. You've covered your recent grilling adventures. You know, it's the icing on the cake.

But she's there already. She's there. I mean, I should be asking her advice, quite frankly. I think, and I feel that that will come naturally. You know what you're talking about? That will come naturally now. You listen to enough Clapton, that starts happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Slow hand is the key to those mental processes. I think getting into a specific bit of history, or getting into history, it's not actually good at history. Not any bit. It's got to be martial history, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much so. I mean, here it would be World War II all the way

from the get-go to the let-go, where she is. I mean, I don't know. She might have to come with some local dads. It might be that it's civil war. It might be American war independence. I'm not quite sure. And for example, that project that's really expensive could be building a tank, a replica tank,

which is also a bar on the inside. Would you then drive to a local courthouse screaming from the top of it? I just want my kids back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There we go. Exactly.

It's a few tidbits, as it turns out. Yeah. But really, really, Leanna, you are nailing it. You're smashing it all the way. Yeah, well done, Leanna. And thanks for getting in touch. Thank you. That's her emails.

Lovely. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. 4 slash 3 bean salad. Thank you. As ever to everyone who signs up on our Patreon. Thank you. Thank you.

And of course, if you go on there, patreon.com, 4 slash 3 bean salad, you can access different tiers that get you ad free episodes. And we also do a monthly, quite large and weighty bonus episode. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge where Mike spent last night. Sure did.

And it was, you know, every night in the Sean Bean lounge is an amazing one. But it was a real highlight last night, wasn't it? Because I believe it was the annual Karabiner throwing competition. It was. Thank you, Ben. And here's my report.

The 78th annual Karabiner throwing competition opened with the traditional minutes of silence for Mildred Karabiner. The inventor of the Karabiner who, like so many other Victorian pioneers of science and engineering, first tested her theories on herself and died in poverty in 1872 of spring-loaded elbows. After that, the competition launched into action

at pace with Carlo Sanz luzzing an aluminium twist lock deep into the fourth straight. Peter Kelly went for big points with an underarmed mini-biner into Wilmos' corner pocket, but its path was warped by a pile of Angela Peach's magnetron D-types, causing it to glance off Gabriel Healy's non-locking snap link multi-leaver shackle, and disappear right up Ed Wallace's family oval.

Rachel Barber held a bent gate so far above the 42-yard line that it snagged on Tim O'Hara's aluminium pair, requiring a timeout and for Sam Hancock to be sent up to detangle the mess without safety equipment, as all of it was either in play or reserved in the chucking buckets. Sam's intervention was successful but fatal, and after the best part of the minutes of silence,

Clay resumed with a wonderful leg spin twist lock into the minutes goal bush from Michael Watson, which set a new lounge record. This, if anything, over-inspired Doug Liddle, who found the courage to try and chuck his 17-foot-long munter hitch using the force of its own spring to enhance the attempt. A distracting comment from Chris Peters

about rust management in half-clove Hitch-B-Lays caused Doug to mistime the throw, and he was crushed by his own hinge at a whopping 4,000 pounds per square inch of pressure. After what was knocking on the door of half a minute of silence, give or take, the competition restarted once more, and was wrapped up double-quick by Nicky Morrissey with an unbeatable megatoss of a no-sucked wire gate

all the way up the penultimate furlong, and deep into the flank of a papier-mache tiger made by Sean Bean himself, Nicky was crowned Grand Carabiner and awarded a full-year supply of rub. Thanks all. So, that's the end of the episode, but let's work out who Steamtune is going to play us out.

Yeah, we've just got to follow Conor's latest absolutely extraordinary feat of music from last week. That was amazing, wasn't it? Absolutely amazing. We've got loads in the hopper, but I'm going to give you three to choose from. Okay. That I'm picking at random.

Yeah. A three-bean fugue. Okay. Grungy rock. Or northeast Texas-style picking. Wow, that's a tough one. What do you think, Henry? Have you got a...

Do you lurch towards one or the other? I'm quite interested in... That means it's northeast Texas, is it? That's so specific. I'm quite interested in that. Let's do it. Okay, well, this is from Galen. Thank you, Galen.

Hello, Beans. Love the pod. This is my variation on your bean theme, rendered in a northeast Texas guitar tradition. Galen from Texas. Lovely. Amazing, Galen. And thank you, everybody, for listening.

Absolutely. Until next time. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye. You