Three Bean Salad - Boats

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

"Why is that Wikipedia doesn’t bother having any pages about aquatic craft these days?”, you might ask if you’d had your head stuck in a honey badger’s front porch for the last 3 years. The answer, of course, is that people come to Three Bean Salad for comprehensive data batches on this subject as well as the very hottest of takes. Previous “searches” by listeners have included submarines, the Titanic and cruise ships. This week Rowan completes the set by asking the beans to unravel the mysteries of the final category of water going vehicles: boats.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

euros fever euros fever oh yeah well it will have um i think this will be out we all know whether england had triumphed in euros uh what will the final have happened by the time this goes on? Yeah. So it will. The final next week. Oh right, yeah, blimey. Predictions? Well, I've got Slovakia on my local sweepstake, so I'm still holding out for they could somehow get back in.

Maybe if the entire Dutch team are killed in an air crash or something, there needs to be a fairly horrific sequence of events that needs to play out. Or some sort of European takeover, some sort of massive Slovakian war effort. The new Slovakian Empire. The new Slovakian Empire. It's got a lot of work to do between now and Sunday. Needs to get as far as Spain at least. Yeah, they've got until this evening to take either France or Spain.

I think they can do it. Speed is key. Speed is key when it comes to conquering. I think for me, take France, Spain. I think they can do it. Speed is key. Speed is key when it comes to conquering. I think for me, take France, Spain falls. I don't think we need to worry about France and Spain. Take France, Spain falls. That's how I cut off the bridge to Spain. It's all about bridges guys. Cut off the bridge to Spain. Maybe flatten the Pyrenees. No, that makes it easier to get. Oh, I'm not sure one or the other. Tip the Pyrenees upside down or put them on its side so the

spiky and cars can't get past. I'd press them through actually. Would you? Yeah. Press them through. Okay. Yeah. So they're the same, but, but,

To make the biggest Pyrenees jelly mold the world has ever seen. Yeah. Well, the second, second biggest after that, after the Hapsburg one, the Hapsburg jelly mold. So how much, how much money is riding on your sweepstake, Mike? Fiver. Fiver. You're going to have to come to terms with the fact I think that fiver's gone.

I don't know what plans you had for it or maybe the winnings. I mean, how much do you stand to win? I think there's... how many teams would there have been in the whole thing? 32 maybe? That many fibres. I mean, that kind of maths is impossible. I think there's how many teams would there have been in the whole thing? 32, maybe that many fibers. I mean, that kind of maths is impossible. Part of UK culture, which for some reason I've never been involved with. I don't know why maybe you can help me work that out today is what people say

things like, Oh yeah, in my, in my local sweepstakes, I've, I'm with Slovakia with my, I don't know what people are talking about. To go with you with your sweepstakes. And I just sort of go. Yeah, sorry. I've got to go. I forgot I've got an appointment. I'm going to come back to you with my sweepstakes chat. I've got loads of sweepstakes chats and banter. But I've got a vital, for the vital stationary, stationary. I've got a, um, vital, um, for the vital, uh, stationery station.

I've got a Rymans. I, I, I, I use a personal shopper at Rymans and I forgot we've got an appointment. So I've got to go, but I'll be back later. Um, with, um, with heaps. In fact, I'll tell you what, I've got so much, um, sweepstakes chat. I'm actually probably got a sweepstake about the time you'll get back from. Yeah. If you knew what a sweepstakes was. Ring binder to to categorize the different stages to my sweepstakes chat when I come back and

luckily I'll have I'll be buying a suite of highlighter pens to to strengthen my sweepstakes journey. I'm going to take you on and I do see it in the sweepstakes journey when I come back. All right, see you later, bye. And no one ever hears from me again in that social group. They never see me again or hear from me again. I associate a sweepstake with, and this might be a bit unfair, just very boring office jobs where it's so boring that you have to grasp onto anything that could be a little bit exciting. And that's kind of what sweepstakes are, right? But I don't know who Mike's group of sweepstakers are.

Maybe fellow parents? We all live in Exeter and Exeter is the urban equivalent of an office job. Yeah, so it is, isn't it? Just being there is an admin, is a soul-crushing admin task. Just getting through the morning. Even if you work in, in Exeter's, in one of Exeter's thriving creative industries, what are they again, Mike? They do do a bit of pelt work. In Marsh Barton Trading Estate, there is a pelt processing

plant that really stinks in the summer. Yeah. But that's, that's, that's, that's what you're saying is they'll remove the pelt of anyone's in reading Guardian. Your Pelton. They'll treat it and, uh, you know, they'll turn it into a lovely little bath mat. Um, by the way, so that's pretty unfair of me. Is that, is Exeter, um, true blue or is it, is it red? Exeter is red. Exeter is a red blip surrounded by, usually surrounded by blue. Bit of Lib Dem around there, I'd imagine. There is, well these days, ho ho ho ho ho

This podcast is a politically neutral podcast. On behalf of the Liberal Democrats. The only truly neutral political party. I think Ed Davies success. Yes. At the polling station. Life affirming or deeply depressing? Totally life affirming. I was totally brought into the Ed Davey thing.

Fascinating. If you're listening overseas, if you're listening from in hospital, this is the leader of the Liberal Democrat party, centrist party, who did a series of wet stunts, didn't he, to get his message out. He basically did a series of things that I imagine you sort of do on the weekends, Mike, do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zumba? Yeah. It's Zumba-ing into bodies of water full of turds.

He did, he's quite parochial dad stuff he did, didn't he? He was doing... He was doing wacky dad stuff. The sort of stuff where the kids go, oh, look at daddy's... Oh. Oh, he's really injured his lower back. Oh, look at daddy's... He's apologising for bringing

in tuition fees for students. Just ruining a generation. Oh, wacky. Oh, he's hurt his back going down that water slide. Shame, shame yours. And he also has no political backbone, does he? In the way that he sold out an entire generation so that he could have a little get get his little fingernails into this little bit of power during that grotesque, you know, deal with the devil that was the, well, the coalition. Very neatly done.

Politically neutral podcast. Brought to you by the Liberal Democrats. Also, by the way, in case it didn't sound like a teenager talking throughout that little bit I did, I was actually vaping at the same time. I don't associate vaping with teenagers so much, it's kind of sort of people our age really. I was wearing a crop top, I was wearing a crop top then as well. Or okay. Add three roller skates on. What is vaping? Is vaping not teenager?

Vaping is very teenage, Ben. Is it? What do you think it's Blairite? What were you saying it was, Ben? I don't know. It feels like the younger generation are a bit more abstemious than our generation. So they don't know. They're bang into vaping. They're into vaping.

Yes. Modern education is all about vaping. The UK's secondary schools stink of mango. Yeah, this is well known. And it's not because they're into Muller Corners, is it? No. If they could vape a Muller Corners, they would. A thick, creamy dairy vape. One of the things that's merciless about time, isn't it, is the way it just keeps on a rolling.

One of the things that's merciless about time isn't it is the way it just keeps on a rolling. Um, you uh... Have we, have we, have we tuned the frequency into the inner monologue? Uh oh. I was just listening to your microphone. It goes deep. No, just like in terms of what the younger generation are into, because Ben you've got've got me panicking because I for me the younger generation are into vaping and you're saying because it will be the case that they're not even into vaping anymore because it just keeps on a rolling. I don't know anything about the younger generation. Oh, sure. There isn't a

younger generation. There's multiple younger generations now, Ben. I mean, how many are there? I didn't even know. Is anyone keeping track? Yeah, this. Yeah, I know that they don't drink today. Like, is that true? Is that still true? Things change? You know, they probably do again now. Mike? I think some of them do. Friday just gone, I was persuaded to do an inspiring speech for some school leavers. Oh my god, which filled me with dread. And I got the sense that they it depends on the gang, but they're, they're definitely our groups that do, do love a pint like back in the old days. And you were happy to dish them out when you were like, hang on, was this about how you

kick smack on us? It's about how you, how, how by running 8,000 marathons a day, uh, for 8,000 days in a row through the continent of Asia, I kicked smack. You finally kicked smack. Yeah. So you gave an inspiring speech and what was the vibe you picked up? The vibe I picked up afterwards because a couple of their, I think they're sort of,

I don't know what they would be, they're sort of senior pupils, they're sort of equivalent of head girl and head boy type thing. They made a couple of sort of winking and urge references to the pub and that kind of stuff. It's full of like teachers and parents and all that kind of thing. So I've got the sense that at least some of them are still into the old fashioned booze. And that's the vibe they were giving off. What was the vibe you were giving off? I don't know. It's already like a sort of bit of white noise in my memory. I did find myself dancing into the areas of booze and drugs at one point. I don't know why. I also found myself perhaps needlessly warning or reminding them that genital herpes remains incurable. I felt ill judged at the time as it came out of my mouth.

I'm not quite sure what happened. I think I tried to wrap it up as quickly as possible after that. But I mean, we've always spoken about this podcast. If people take anything away from it, it's the fact that genital herpes is still incurable, guys. And please do not think just by swamping the whole area in yogurt, it's going to make a difference. Even your premium mango flavoured yogurts. Even your Muller Corners. And even, and people are often not care about this, even biological yogurts, it will make

pressure, yes it will relieve symptoms won't it? It will relieve some symptoms. Well certainly you'll take your mind off it. Or even a yoghurt cravings, any residual yoghurt cravings you might have. A proper locally sourced Greek yoghurt, yes of course, 100% guaranteed protection. Yeah, but not your shop bought. No no no no no. So hang on, what was your brief, Mike, from the... It was to be given in...

I tried to warn them... Was this your old school? Was it going back to your old school? No, no, it's just a local school. But we live in Exeter and it's a state school and so I think they wanted someone to speak. There's no one famous who lives here, right? I assume they've probably been through all of the exited chiefs who are the actual proper local celebs, right? The rugby players.

Is that what it is? Rugby players. Yeah. And then, so they asked me and I decided, I don't know if you particularly want a provincial middle-aged man with a couple of kids that are, you know, on a horrible dose of diabetes. Permanent incurable living with. You live with it, don't you? What were you shooting for in terms of like, inspirational? That was what I was asked to provide was inspiration. Yeah. I didn't think I met that requirement necessarily. I'm imagining Mike doing a kind of, so yeah, I'm picturing how it went. Mike

would have been brought on the stage by the headmaster. Yeah. And Mike would have then said something like, thank you very much, Mrs. Stevens, whatever it was. The head teacher did a really nice speech before I went in as well. It was full of literary references. It was really nicely done. It was tonally, like it was a bit amusing at times, it was moving at times, it wasn't patronising, it was just, it was just, it was, I was lost in his words. So in comedy terms you were thinking the MC is doing too well, this is not good MCing, this is not how it's supposed to work, you're supposed to make the acts look good.

Exactly. I'm being outshone by the support act. But I imagine what you did is you went onto the stage and then you were like, yeah, was it a male or female head teacher? It was a male head teacher. Thanks very much, Mr. Stevens. Hello. Actually, and then you look to the kids and we're very much like, this isn't about authority. You give them a look. Yeah, thank you, Stevens. Maybe maybe from a little maybe little toss of sign with your hand.

Yeah, I did all that. You did all of it. I followed all of your instructions, I think. And it had been a really nice atmosphere up until then. Students are like... What are these bloody rules anyway? You take in the chair... Yeah, I pushed the podium over. You pushed the podium over, injuring two students in the front row, or really freaking them out. They were the two who were a tip for the Commonwealth and were about to do their

own speech, but that's the end of their athletics career right there. I ripped my speech up. Also a few of them going, oh, but I actually really liked Mr Stevens. He actually had a really tough time last year and he really helped me through it. And you'd be like, dweeb! Yeah, you're a dweeb, aren't you? And then you've got a small cabal of students would be behind you, mainly against, a lot against you, a lot behind you, mostly indifferent. Three or four different pockets of people crying at this point. And you just go, I have to lean into it now. Dweeb, dweeb, dweeb. And then you're sort of stamping on

the podium breaking it up. It's divide and rule. It's divide and rule. I'm barely a minute into the speech. Who needs fucking rules? I didn't get to Ariane because of fucking rules. So screw you. And then you start tearing art down off the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, I mean, it was in a conference centre at the rugby club, so I did have to install the art first.

Yeah, you had to install it yourself. So you can tear it down to make a point. And I assume you're vaping throughout, right? Or maybe a blunt? I think he's got a blunt. I wasn't sure what any of that was, but again, that was all on Henry's instructions. So I rolled up a piece of A4 paper in a conical shape and held that. And in case any of you were worried about the fire alarms, I disconnected them all last night. So yeah, you can set fire to the Tindling from that destroyed podium, go for it. Yeah, and then just had a trestle table and sold some merch on the way out. Good stuff, job done. So I think we're alright. Yeah. I'm still waiting for the, for the given

inspiring speech at a school slash your old school, cool. But it's quite hard to keep track of people. Because of the period I was at school, it was sort of, um, cool. But it's quite hard to keep track of people because of the period I was at school, it was sort of, well, it was, it was enough years before the digital handover that actually it's quite hard to keep track of where you are, Henry. Still live within a five, five yard radius of, I do pretty much. We grew up. I walk past every day. No, uh, no, never still waiting for that call, but I suppose if you're a genuine

Rarabah, you know what I mean? It's a bit like, would you call one of the guys from the sex pistols, for example, true countercultural voices, probably, do you know what I mean? Actually would see it as a badge of honor to not have been invited to give a talk at a school in a way. To get back to the original topic, I've never been in a sweepstakes. Oh yeah. Should we do one? I think literally did not sweepstakes.

Cause and the other thing I didn't know about the other reason, the other thing I've never been in is people say to you, how's your fantasy football team doing? I don't know what you're talking about. No one's ever asked me to do that. Yeah. I don't know. You would have been asked to do that. I know. I would have thought so, but people, you've got the knowledge base. It's not that I'm not liked. That's the one thing that I know is a foundation stone I can build from. It's not that I'm not liked. And if it was because or related to the fact that I might sometimes be insufficiently liked, I wouldn't be saying I wouldn't be talking about it this much. Probably. Do you know what I mean? So it's

not that. What is it? Well, would you like to be invited to a sweepstakes? No, fuck you. Fuck all of you. If you don't want me in it in the first place, I'll have to fucking ask. That's a fucking point. Screw all of you. Ben and I could invite you to one of our many ongoing sweepstakes. We just didn't think you'd be. No, I just, I genuinely, yeah, but Ben, are you in the sweepstakes? I'm running a few.

I'm just screwing you. We've got the date of Macron's death. I've got 2042 on that one. So you can sweepstakes anything, can you? You can sweepstake anything. And how does it actually work? Let's set up a sweepstake. You know what? I've never been in a sweepstakes. Yeah, in a sweepstake. The singular is sweepstake. I think it's because I've never worked in a sort of

Kafkaesque nightmare job for long enough. That's what we're saying is it's a kind of antidote to kind of Kafkaesque hell, hell zones of bureaucracy and stuff. So let's do one. What do you fancy? Something political? Outcome of a trial? Is there anything we could do that will be decided within the course of this series? We could sweepstake the rest of the Euros, right? So you could see who's going to win the euros. There's four potential teams, there's three of us. Yeah. So I can say to people, God, yeah, yeah, I'll be able to say, because I assume that's

the main reason people do it. I'll be able to, tomorrow I'll be able to say to people, yeah, in my sweepstakes, in my sweepstake, I've got Holland, whatever. I'll be able to say that. Yeah. And people go, yeah, I know what you mean, mate. You're having another pint. Oh, God, bloody hell, I hate my calf grass job. Do you hate your calf grass job? Yeah, me really bloody hate my calf grass job. Yeah, I worked down at the old, I worked down at the old calf grass Institute. I have to file and record all references to calf grass and modern culture. It's actually double

calf grass in a way. It's a calf grass cow. I'm a boss is called Dave Kafka. It's just a coincidence. No relation. No relation. Well, shall I draw the sweepstake? What's he going to do? Oh, so we don't choose. Oh, that's why it's a sweepstake. Henry, I literally have never done a sweepstake. And that's why people talk about it in that kind of resigned. Oh yeah. I've got bloody soup, who have you got in your phone?

Why would have Mike chosen Slovakia to win the Euros? I don't know. So it's about submitting yourself to the randomness of... Yeah, it's about giving yourself someone to root for, but it's given to you. In the office sweepstake. And then if you win, does that mean you do photocopy your buttocks and send them to Bratislava? Or you don't photocopy your buttocks and send them to Bratislava? The people of Bratislava photocopy their buttocks.

In fact, all of them do you? Yes. And you have to receive literally millions of different... Yeah, see, you have to usually be in between 10am and 2pm and we'll deliver them to you. For the rest of your life. Yeah. To receive all of them. Exactly.m. and 2 p.m. and we'll deliver the rest of your life. Yeah to receive all of them. Exactly. Okay I've written the names of the remaining teams and if you're not from the UK or not from

Europe the Euros are the European football championships. Who gets the fourth team? That's going to be hard to work out isn't it? Who's the fourth? Maybe Pam? Okay, great. Sweet. Okay, so I've got the four here. Yeah. How would we do this? So Henry, you say stop. Stop. You my friend are supporting the Netherlands. Okay. Right. I don't look happy with that at all. I'm feeling it. I want to go to a pub and talk to three middle-aged men and tell them God, you'll never believe what I've got in my sweepstake. Bloody Holland. Oh, it's great chat. You know, because then you have that one of the chats that you do is, oh golly, it'd be nice if England won, but I tell you what, if Holland wins, there's

a bit of a silver lining. Win the sweepstake. Nice bit of chat there, Mike. The beers will be on you. Do you know what I mean? I feel like sweepstakes are Do you want to mean? I feel like sweepstakes are keeping a lot of people trapped in unsatisfying careers and marriages and marriages. Okay, Mike. And, and now in podcasts, say when?

Stop. Oh, Mikey boy supporting England. Ooh, England. Okay. So see now Henry tomorrow, tomorrow night's game between England and the Netherlands becomes Mike versus Henry. Okay. See? Because of the office sweepstake. Yes. Stake. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. So maybe in the, in the office in the day, you can have some banter about that. And Ben, who have you got?

I need to choose between these two. Not looking. I've got France. France. That means Pam has Spain. Spain. Very good. Let's put a quid in each. Yeah. Pam might win four pounds. What should we do with that? might win £4.

What she do with that? She'll eat them and she'll shit them out and they'll come out lovely and shiny. Let's turn on the B-Machine. Yes please. This week's topic as sent in by Rowan. Thank you Rowan. Thanks Rowan. Spelt like the trousers? Sorry? Spelt like the trousers? Rowan trousers?

Rohan, isn't it? Yeah. Well, Rohan make excellent semi-permeable, foomy-permeable or completely non-permeable trousers. They're the only company I know of that all three. I think it's more likely to be Rowan isn't it? As in as in the Berry, as in the Atkinson. Yeah, I'm just asking how the Rowan's spelt mate.

Yeah, you're talking about Rohan though. I am yes. Is that what they call Rohan those trousers? Yeah. Okay. Like in Lord of the Rings, isn't there? There's a sort of Yes, there's an elf that wears Rohan trousers. That's why he's so hard to defeat. It's so hard to defeat the row hand trouser wearing elves. Defeat their sense of morale at least because come rain or shine, they've got comfortable

legs. They know. And they're just one zip away from having access to their, to be able to get to the toilet quite easily. Do you know what, Henry? I recently almost bought some row hand trousers and I pulled out of that nosedive because it felt too middle-aged and I couldn't, I sort of couldn't bring myself to do it. They're a very, they're such a practical trouser. You can, yeah, you can wear them wading through a river. You can- Smart cash.

Smart cash. Dress them up, dress them down. Dress them up, dress them down. You can't wear them to an awards do, but I don't think that's going to be a problem. That was a bit harsh. Where did that come from? I think Mike's thing about being asked to do a speech at a school has hurt me. Well, I'm not going to say hurt, but have said hurt. I've said it. It's hurt me in a deeper way than I thought possible, actually. I mean, Mike's going to have to basically put together a fake school.

I think it might be time then. Pay 200 teenagers to sit in a room. Yeah. It's time to unlock the Academy protocol. Preparing this for years. So we want trained actors for the front row, then just any teenagers for the next two rows and after that you can paint a backdrop. Well, the trouble is that we put this protocol into place quite a long time ago. So some of those actors now are themselves nearing middle age. They were teenagers at the time. They can play staff room. They can be teachers standing at the back.

Okay, we're gonna have to retrain some kids. Yeah, if you could put together a bogus sixth form college for me at some point in the next two or three weeks. It'll be tricky because we've discussed it for me to not see it coming. Hang on. So you're aiming at sixth form college? Yeah. Okay. What does that mean? Well, it's top tier? I don't know.

Well, it's top tier, really, when it comes to school, either. You're thinking more like a speech in front of some primary school children. Well, you do your funny little drawings and things, don't you? Or maybe a boar stool? They're not little drawings! Some of the drawings are big, some of them are medium, some of them are small, depending on what's needed from the client. Fuck off, all of you! I'm on what's needed from the client. F*** off all of you.

I'm sick of this by the way. I'm treated like absolute dirt on this podcast. It's coming out, fine, it's coming out now. They're not silly little drawings. Some of them are little, yes. Some of them are silly, but if it's in, that's what the client needs. Oh, what do you mean, a big serious drawing? Do you draw drawing, you draw a massive great funeral on a wall opposite your house. I will, frankly and kindly, if a client would pay me.

Sorry, I'm out of control. Henry's Guernica. Yeah, you said they were silly little drawings and that was a big serious drawing. The Spanish Civil War on your house. The Spanish Civil War on your house. So yeah, careful what you wish for. You didn't wish for it technically. Some of the most ambitious graffiti, revenge graffiti of all time. Revenge graffiti.

And then on my house just simple cock and balls. Spunking? Yes. Oh yes, and if you had any doubts about whether herpes was curable or not, have a look at the big penis I've drawn on the house Ben, because it does have herpes. Yes, got the marks of herpes. Are they silly and little those marks? No, they're serious little rashes. Are they? I don't know. All I know is it's uncurable. That's what I learned today. I didn't know that Mike. Incurable? Incurable. Both. Whichever way you look at it, discurable.

But the symptoms can be soothed. With yogurts. This week's subject, a sent in by Rowan with a woo, with a w, is, and have we done this before? This is the first time I've come across one where I'm not sure if you've done it before. I feel like I've reached a level now where I can't remember all our past episodes. Okay. Boats. Oh, we had submarines.

We definitely did cruises or something. I remember Henry drawing the Titanic. We've done the Titanic. Are there any other forms of boats? Would you count a canoe as a boat? I think so. We haven't talked about canoes much. Have you got some hot takes on canoes, Mike? I don't know that I've necessarily got any new takes on canoes, Mike? I don't know that I've necessarily got any new takes on canoes.

I think I very much tow the line when it comes to sort of canoe thinking. Which is occasional holiday idea that you get fully behind despite the fact that your family starts to lose interest and eventually it becomes a really cold and unpleasant day. I do all, exactly, and I do also live in an area where sometimes people feel the thing that they should do to sort their life out is buy a canoe. That happens around here a

bit. Yes. And it sits on top of their car for quite a few months until they sell it again. Yeah. It's for that moment. It's that moment when you realize that talking about the office sweepstakes isn't doing it anymore. You need to be able to tell them I've got a canoe or something. I think it's a moment in life where also where you go, so I've got two options. Now I know the society frowns on it, but basically it's that thing of having a second secret family. Or a canoe. Or a canoe. So I've got pros and cons. You make a pros and cons list, that's what you do. Second family,

pro, well it writes, doesn't it? It's an entirely second family. Lots of chat fuel ongoing costs though. Yeah. Con it's a second family. I mean, if I had issues with my first family, how's the second one going to, if anything, it's just doubling the problem potentially. In the pro column, unlikely to make you drown.

That's true. That's true. Or even wet. I mean, if you're worried about the second family, just being the pro column, unlikely to make you drown. That's true. That's true. Or even wet. I mean, if you're worried about the second family, just being the same family, then you need a different sort of family for the second family. Don't you? Yeah. Like you need to have a, okay, marry into the Royals secretly. It's quite hard to keep that less, less easy to keep that seat. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think they want to be on the other side of town minimum, although convenience wise, that's a negative, isn't it?

If they're on the same bus route, it might be quite good. That would be, that would be good, wouldn't it? Then you work out the logistics. How does it work? So you pop around there for dinner and then see, so basically you have to keep saying, sorry, Barbara, I think I've got to do a really, really big dump. I'm going to say two to two and a half hours. I'll do it back at the office. I can save on toilet paper.

It's a really bad one. So you dress it up as a kind of life hack. Think about it, Barbara. There's more time for you and the kids. I would say a pretty key part of this, Henry, is that you need both of your wives to be called Barbara. Yes. I was going to say, otherwise it's going to be too hard to keep track of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't want to be in a situation where you go, um, sorry, Barbara, I mean,

Barbara, I mean, you're both called Barbara, it's not a problem. I mean, both of you, you, as in you, I love you twice because you say great. Ba-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar. It's another Beach Boys night. Ba-bar-bar- beach-busting is maybe I'm going to do another about two to two and a half hour dump. See you later Barbara. Then you go around to the other house. Hang on, where are you doing your dumps though? You can't, you can't. That's the trouble with us.

This is in transit in the Volvo into a special bag. It's going to have to be a special bag Volvo. What you're going to have to have is a burner Volvo. So you're going to have at of our Volvo. The one Volvo which is you know, which corresponds to each family unit, and then a separate secret Volvo which looks like the other two which used to get between the two and go to the toilet. And that's a burner Volvo. So you have to get rid of it at the end of the day. And you say you can get if you Volvo as you go, you can get a Volvo for about 25 quid cash, cash and you just evolve it as you go. So you need

to use one of those. You should get them from your like from your nearest Volvo showroom. Are you getting a new Volvo? You're getting a new Volvo. It's a burner Volvo Ben. Okay. You're not listening what I was talking to. I get a second hand one is what I'm saying. You're getting a brand new Volvo every time. I've created a I've created a comical device. For the love of Christ. It's a burner Volvo. It's a Volvo as you go Volvo. I tried and I keep trying. That's all you can do sometimes. By the way, also this works. It's not just men that have second va- if you're a woman, you can do the same thing and just make sure both your husbands are called Bob or Bobbera. I really Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob- But how does it actually work having that? So do you have to have an actor that's playing you at night or do you do the thing of stuffing

a loads of cushions into a duvet? What, gluing some hair on? Sticking some hair on? In the right places. The problem is when your wife starts taking more of a shine to the glued on hair version of you than the real you. Henry, I'm sorry it's come to this, but me and Gludon hair pillowcase version of you are going to make a go of it together.

I made a pros and cons column. He owns his own canoe. He's aspirational. He doesn't buy a new Volvo every day. And that's why I'm declaring this marriage, Nolan Volvoid. Like it? Does it work? Does it work?

I'm not sure. I mean, it sounded euphemistic. It sounded like a sort of robotic space vagina. She'll excuse me. You're excused. A bigger pardon. You dare to make fun of the volvoids? They're coming for you, Mike.

If I could find them, if only I could find this bloody clit-a-tron device. I don't know where it is. Oh no, sweet Jesus. That was fine, I thought. The clit-a-tron device device can't find it. Can I bust in about an email we've had? You came permanently close to Henry to singing the Barbara song. Ba ba ba ba Barbara, ba ba ba ba ba Barbara. It's a Beach Boys song. No, we had we made up our a beach boy song that we had, we

made up our very own barber song only two episodes ago. I know that and I saw that someone on Twitter said that it was plagiarism. Did they? No, they didn't. But someone said, like, listen to this other song. It's similar or something to do with rhubarb or something. Oh, no, we this is probably unrelated. We've got loads of emails about this. So there's a German tick tock sensation. He's a German rapper who's done a rap about a woman called Barbara who sells rhubarb from her bar or

something in this kind of like tongue twister. Okay. That's not, that's not to do with that. I listened to it and I hate it. I don't think German should rap. I just don't think those, I don't think that language and that medium work at all. Yes. Interesting.

Okay. Putting your neck on the line there. Yep. I feel you. I've not heard it, but I feel you. Anyway, we've had an email from John. Hi beans. I recorded the Bar Bar Barbara song with my four children in the van after singing it all day at work. My children quickly picked up the catchy tune and evocative lyrics and joined in. I was particularly impressed with my two year olds pronunciation. So I've got that for you now. You ready? Yeah, I'm up for that. Please. Can we just go... No, no, no, we've got to do it. We've got to do it.

One more time, practice it. Everybody be on the roll. Daddy, make sure you know when to say... Yeah, and I'll tap Marin every time. Yeah, you don't need to think of anything else. Marin, when daddy taps you, you have to say, Barbara... Yeah, you don't need to think about anything else. When daddy taps you, you have to say, Babararararara. Yeah, you have to say, Babababara. Or, Babararababa. Okay, ready? Babababara, babababara. Babarararara.

Babababara, babababara. Babarara. I actually like you. Babababara, babababara. Babararara. Babababara, babababara. I usually like you. Baba Baba Ra, Baba Baba Ra. Baba Baba Ra. I love you. Baba Baba Ra, Baba Baba Ra. Baba Baba Ra.

I usually like you. Baba Baba Ra, Baba Baba Ra. Baba Baba Ra. Baba Baba Ra. That's really good. Very good, I need to answer the phone. Yeah, social services. He's got three kids and one of them was clearly driving the car.

That is not acceptable. Poor old Maran's trying to sing along while bloody pulling onto an A-Row. That was very, very sweet, lovely stuff. That's based on a song we did a few weeks ago. Yeah, that's the best version of it that exists. They also made it a nicer song because they took away the I loathe you. Yeah, I think he sanitised a bit for the two year old. That was lovely. Golly. Very, very nice stuff.

When I was a kid, I think it was part of being in Cubs or something. One of those things. And we did canoeing and we were entered sort of against our will really into a race along the Brecon Canal. So that sounds like quite a nice canal probably. It is a nice canal. But I, you know, to this day have no upper body strength whatsoever. No upper body strength?

Yeah, just none. No. And it's always been the case. Yes. You've got mid body strength,. No upper body strength. Yeah, just none. No. And it's always been the case. Yes. You, um, you've got mid body strength, haven't you? It's all about me, my haunches. So you've got such low upper body strength, haven't you, that you only use paper cutlery, don't you?

And can only eat paper food. You have to say to people, you know what, should we just do this picnic style? And they'll be like, it's the middle of November and we're in a carvery. And you'd be like, they're just indulging me. Let's do it picnic style. And you get plates out and stuff, don't you? Or I just trough it. You know what? Should we do this? You know, sort of agriculture stuff. Should we do it? Pig pigs in a trough. Should we trough this? Yeah. Because then, and what happens is you don't, you don't so much because a pig actually has quite quite strong upper body strength.

They can, it's neck, it can move his neck into the trough out the trough up. It can wiggle it about, you know, pigs have quite complex social code to do with neck strength and upper body strength. Whereas you, what happens is your body is hinges forward. You just, a pig does have arms in case anyone's worried. It does have arms or it doesn't have arms. It does have arms. It does have arms. That anyone's worried. It does have arms or it doesn't have arms? It does have arms. It does have arms, that's right.

Yeah, it doesn't have two sets of legs, otherwise it'd have two arses. Exactly. You solved the pig paradox, didn't you? Because that befuddled people for centuries. If a pig's got two sets of legs, why has it only got one arse? Four legs, one anus, it's impossible. It doesn't make any sense. Aristotle, what do you think? Beats me!

Four legs, one anus. That was the name of that sketch group you were in, Ben, wasn't it? University. Yes, and I was anus. Was it you, Sue Barker and Ryan Gosling? Yes, they provided the four legs. Yeah. And I was the anus. Anyone wants to know why Sue Barker and Ryan Gosling were at university at the same time? It's because Ryan Gosling wasn't at university at the same time.

He was doing deep research, wasn't he, to play Sue Barker during the interview with Andy Murray last week, congratulating him on which he pulled off pretty did you see it. So the thing that was that you barker so where is the barker has been dead since nineteen sixty seven. This is something this is a whole internet where mother's not going to now but. Well, let's not go down it now, but it's very, very dark business. But when you win an Oscar, uh, actually what happens is you unscrew the head and there's some instructions and a little slip of paper and you just, you've discovered whether or not you're going to be an ex you are Sue Barker for the next year, then aren't you basically?

They've all done it. Yeah. Um, and if anyone wants to query the fact that Ryan Gosling has won an Oscar, he has actually won an Oscar, hasn't he? Has he? Yeah, he has. He has. Yeah.

Has he? He does. Yeah. It's for sound engineering. For sound engineering. On white squall. Is that a film? What were you saying? Oh, my poor upper body strength. So yeah, I'll often get a sort of telescopic trough. That's right. A telescopic trough. And then what you'll say to people is, I can get myself into the trough, but when I start hitting it with my, um, hitting it with my arm, hitting the side of it, that means get

me out. Yeah. And not, and not with your arms, cause that's not going to make any sound. It's with your chin or face. Well, I've got, cause I've got, I've got chin operated arms, which, um, if you're not Clive Sinclair has been up to since the C5 day, it's making me chin operated arms. Then yank me out because I will perish if left, left, left in the, Left in the gravy.

Yeah. And you're easy to yank, aren't you? Cause you've got those strings attached to you. Cause you're basically similar to a marionette as a man can be, aren't you? Both in muscle tone and in strings. And also you only eat gravy, isn't it? Because you've got no internal muscle strength either. You can't do just anything other than gravy. And you do bring your own, but you don't make it because of course you can't make gravy.

Do you mean I can't make gravy or one can't make gravy? Of course you can't make gravy. It's collected. It's forgotten. Yeah, well it's summoned, isn't it? There are two days of the year and it can be summoned from the unfortunately increasingly depleted ancient forests of Britain. That's where it's summoned. The meat forests. The meat forests. Yeah.

So I was doing this, um, kayak race and everyone just steamed off ahead. And then it was just me on my own as a nine year old or something, just in the middle of nowhere with no sense of where, how far behind I was. And I remember feeling very good about myself because I managed to get to the end and it was really, really painful. My arms were throbbing. It was horrible. But when I got to the end, everyone had left and it was over. Well, there wasn't even like the de-kayaking crew weren't there to get you out and to kind of wash you down.

I think my parents were there, but like everyone else had finished like half an hour before. And that's when you thought to yourself, I might not have upper body strength. I know that now. I always suspected, but I now know this. I have incredibly low body strength compared to my peers. But what I do have- Is also low self-esteem. Incredibly low self-esteem. And I think that even though I might not have upper body strength, I might not have self-belief. But what I do have and what I can fall back on is sheer malevolence. I'm going to be really petty forever. The only reason we, the only reason we, we, we

drive Benjamin in this way is because, um, he, um, Cause of his evil past. It's cause of his evil, evil past. And why evil present and future. Evil present and future. In fact this guy's got a mean streak of 65,000 miles bloody wide. Thanks.

No worries. I mean, Benjamin's actually, Benjamin's actually a very nice man. That's the irony. Let's read your emails. Yes please. When you send an email You must give thanks To the postmasters that came before Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me?

Just some old shit When you send an email This represents progress Like a robot shoeing a horse Give me your horse My beautiful horse! 3binsaladepodatgmail.com is the address And Ira sent an email to that address and now we're reading it

Thank you, Ira It's just an image, so I'm going to share that with you. It's not Ira Glass, is it? From this American Life podcast. Hello, Ira Glass. Today dogs. Dogs, we need them. Dogs, we don't need them.

And sometimes a duck can save your life. Ooh. Oh, oh yes, please. So Iris sent in, he's come across a bookshelf with a number of Robert Ludlam thriller novels. Plenty of them. Those are good. With some great names. We've got The Road to Omaha, the Aquatane progression.

Yeah, the Road to Omaha is the only one that doesn't really follow the usual, because everything else is the Icarus Agenda. We've got the Bourne Ultimatum, which is obviously well known. The Icarus Agenda. The Matlock Paper. Oh, those are brilliant. What's that? The Gemini Contenders.

That's my favourite one, I think. Yeah. It's incredible. Really good stuff. Yeah. So that's using the, um, the sort of lore of those books, isn't it? Which is the name followed by official and hopefully exciting sounding. So now.

Yeah. The Barbara portfolio, that sort of noun. The Barbara portfolio. That sort of thing. Caroline has also sent us, there's a lot of people sending us photos at the moment. Caroline writes, Hi beans. Hello Caroline. I would like to challenge the idea that rats are not sweet and cute eating strawberries as discussed in the recent episode.

I've attached pictures of my pet rats doing exactly that. Although I might be biased and you'll still find the pictures horrific. All the best, Carrie. Okay, so I mean, I thought the person sending that email was already quite scary before they revealed that the name was Carrie. My name is Carrie and I'm into rats. Yeah. It's going to be a blood curdling evening. Yeah. I'm going to send you the image now. Oh, it's right on the cusp, isn't it? Oh, it's right on the cusp. No, it's not for me. It's the tail is the tail is too, too pinky pinky.

Sorry, Carrie. But you know, it's the rope like tail. So, so, so to describe the photo, Carrie has sent us a photo. It's a beautifully sort of symmetrical kind of composition where there's a, so you're looking right sort of at the crown of the, the crispy green crown of the strawberry is facing the viewer. We might have to share it if we're allowed. That strawberry is beautifully lit.

Beautifully lit, shiny, bright world. I mean, that photo of a strawberry could happily be in the window of a Sainsbury's. We're not for the rat on top of it. You might have to do something about the rat. I've told you we can't allow regional managers to make decisions on storefront photographs. We can't. We know that rats are technically a clean animal. Do we even know that rats are technically a clean animal?

We know that that's a relatively clean rat rat from what we can see of it. So the rat is kind of, it's claws on each side of it. So the rat's facing the viewer. And if you zoom in, chomping down, it's got very nicely lacquered nails. The rat is in absolutely soup. I mean, hello. I mean, it's hello rat, isn't it? It really is. So the view to describe the picture, the view, it's the same view you get of someone eating a Big Mac in the ads. So it's the product is front front and centre, the hands around it and the smiling face, biting down on it. The face are on the same horizontal plane as their hands.

That's right. So they're all fours in the car park of McDonald's. Jumping down. Eating the Big Mac from the bottom up. Eating it from the very much from the bottom up. So yeah. So exactly the same. They're eating it through the base of the lower half of the bun roll, like through the base, up through and emerging through

the top of the crowning sesame seed studded. Briefly wearing it before it disintegrates. And then scrying off into a sewer outlet. Our next message is in the form of an audio message. This is a first for the podcast. Yeah. Okay. It's also from a celebrity. No. What? It's from podcasting royalty, John Robbins. As I live and breathe. Shit. Here we go.

John Robbins here with an amusing report. I went to the cinema to watch Challengers, the tennis film. And when I came out, I saw a poster advertising a film featuring Jesse Plemons. And for about three seconds, I thought three bean salad have organized some kind of guerrilla marketing campaign with a fake film poster. Because until I saw that poster, I thought Jesse Plemons was a name that you had invented for a sort of imagined Hollywood star. I had no idea it was an actual actor. So there you go, bit of fun. He's flesh and blood, John. That's lovely stuff. And more so. Devastating news for Plemmons and his whole PR team, though, isn't it?

The Plemmons cut through is worse than they thought. It's zero. It's minus zero if he's thought to be fictional. It's minus zero. It's got, it's less than your average Plemons in the street, isn't it? It's, people actively think he doesn't exist. They don't just not know he exists. Concluded he has to be fictional. They think he specifically and in a very real way doesn't exist. They think he specifically and in a very real way doesn't exist. That's much worse than just being anonymous. It's specifically not existing.

They think there's a Jesse Plemons hole in reality that Plemons would fit into perfectly, but there's nothing in there. There's just Plemons as an outline. Yeah, devastating stuff for Plemons. Devastating stuff for plans. Henry, a bollocking for you? Okay. Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loaded.

Bollocking loaded. This is from Claire. In a recent episode, I heard Henry say that former England goalkeeper David Seaman and Sue Barker, the host of BBC's A Question of Sport for 24 years, had never met. I don't remember this discussion at all. We've talked about Sue Barker on this episode. It feels like it's coming across as if we're people that are always constantly talking about Sue Barker. Yeah, I think we are. Yeah, we are aren't we? Yeah, okay fine, let's lean into it. Okay, go on.

Mike, do you remember the discussion in which Henry said that David Steeman and Subarka had never met? I do remember those specific... It's ringing a bell because I think I had a kind of foreshadowing shudder that a baller king was on its way. It's a really strange thing to be certain of, particularly for two people who are prominent in British sport. I know, it was a bold claim. And when I was saying it, I thought there's either a grade two earthquake happening in the Midlands, or there's a bollocker coming. That's one

or the other. I just felt that little shudder through my system. I felt a rumble. Well, Clare writes, as a fellow Londoner, I assumed that Henry was out celebrating the Royal Opera House's 202nd anniversary on the 18th of September 2011. Thus, he missed David Seaman's guest appearance on episode 33 of series 40 of A Question of Sport. Well, one of those things is true. And I'll leave it up to you to decide which. Goodbye. Now I did celebrate the Royal Opera thing. Obviously, I was, you may have seen, I was dressed as Figaro's wedding. It was...

You went in as a marquee, didn't you? It was me in a marquee. It was me and 250 mannequins all strapped together in a humassive marquee. Everybody great time. And he must surely have been watching a modern twist on the taming of the shrew in a pub theatre to mark the Bard's birthday on Wednesday 23rd of April 2014. He therefore missed David Seaman guest starring yet again on episode 23 of series 43 of the same Barker hosted programme. Again, one of those things is true. I was out celebrating that Shakespeare related thing.

I was dressed as King Lear the play, not the person. I really want Claire to be a police detective, please. I think she should be. Gotcha. Exactly. She writes, so please consider this a bollock with the full expectation that I want Claire to be a police detective, please. Gotcha. I think she should be. Exactly. She writes, so please consider this a bollock with the full expectation that Henry Will reflect a bollock saying that he can't, as part of the London elite, be expected to be

on top of provincial mainstream TV. Thanks Claire. That is true. I would rather never be allowed to watch a Pinter again than watch five minutes of that bilge. You see what I mean there? I would rather never be allowed to watch Pinter again. That's two negatives though. I'd rather never be allowed. So no Pinter or I do watch. It's a very simple sentence. Or I do watch five minutes of taming, the taming of the sport. I can't even say it.

The, the, a question, a question of. The event killer sports quiz, a question of sport. No, I am, I have watched bits and bobs of Question of Sport, always found it to be aggressively turgid as a lot. Involving a really, really grotesque level of sort of smug back slappery amongst middle-aged twats. Bronze medallists. A series of bronze medallists.

Series of right-le right leaning bronze medalists. So is that bollocking accepted? No, it's not because to be on a sports panel show with someone and to meet someone, I don't know if they're the same thing. I mean, for me to meet someone, it's two minds coming together. It's two... Fine. minds coming together. It's two souls entwining to a degree, you make yourself vulnerable. For example, by having little nipple flaps on your shirt that you lift up and handing

the other person some pliers. You make yourself vulnerable. Will they use the pliers? They can, but will they? I mean, this is quite deep London stuff. This is a really, really late night in a London club. Sorry, no dice, Claire, despite your hard work, but please do if you're not already become the head of a murder squad or something. Thanks. Yeah, it's good detective work. Very good. Finally, emails from Finbar. Hello, Finbar. Hi, Finbar. Hello, Beans. Regarding your recent episode about Ben's hot air balloon ride, I believe this is the word you may have been seeking

that he sent a picture from the dictionary. Adjective, Jumentous. Ooh. Which means of, relating to, or smelling like horse urine. Lovely stuff. Oh, God. Jumentous. Jumentous. You know the trouble, I've got a problem right, which is when you learn a new word like that. Yeah.

Yeah. So we've learned the word jumentous. The fact is we've learned a word which no one knows. So therefore all we are, all we've learned, all we've gained is the capacity to be in a conversation to say something which no one knows. So therefore all we are, all we've gained is the capacity to be in a conversation to say something which no one will understand. So it's almost like what's the point of learning new words? But better than I understand, no one else really talks to you. That's true. I didn't even have a sweepstake. Do you see what I mean there?

But think of the positives. So now instead of using four words, stinks of horse piss, you can say Jumentis. Which is actually only one syllable less. Oh yeah. Stinks of horse piss. Stinks of horse piss. People know what I'm talking about. Jumentis people, they're starting to walk out of the community center.

But Will Self will know it. I bet if you ever meet Will Self, you're going to have a chat with him. Will Self is a good examplearn that a bit. If you ever beat that's true. So you're going to have a chat with Will Self is a good example of that. Cause he's got so many words, but like all he does is isolate all he does. He does. Those words, those words build him a castle that only he is in. Do you mean that he's bricking himself into a kind of. Demented castle.

Yeah. Really, really tremendous castle. Cause no one else can get in. He only he's got the words. Yeah. I know what you mean, but is there not the problem with really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,

really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, No, I know you mean it's anti-progress. That's why I don't like it as a thought, but I still

can't shake it. But maybe other people are out there trying to learn new words as well. Do you know what I mean? Maybe you find that one person when you use the word Gementus and their eyes light up. Yeah, exactly. Yes, I've always been described as Gementus. Let's be friends. I don't want the Gementus crowd. We're going to hang out with the Gementus people. We are the Gementus people now. But now also all of our listeners know what Gementus means.

So we're doing our bit. That's true. So we go ahead. We spread the knowledge. Okay. Extra points for anyone sending in an email that uses the word Gementus. Yeah. Presumably live shows from now on will be littered with the word tremendous. Thank you, Finbar. Thank you. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. Thanks for having me. Thanks for having me.

Thanks for having me. There are different tiers you can join at, and at the Sean Bean tier you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You betcha. Where Mike spent the whole weekend when you were there. Didn't go home, I heard. It was a long one, sure. But it had to be. Yes, because it was the, um... It was Victorian Street Urchins Come Free night, wasn't it?

Okay. Thank you, Henry. It certainly was, and here's my report. It was Victorian Street Urchins Come Free last night at the Jormbean Lounge, which, thanks to lobbying by Andrew John English Esquire and Clementine Lloyd, also included 2-for-1 on Edwardian ragamuffins and, thanks to Olivia Unwin, unlimited beverage refills for modern delinquents. Chris Moss's tin can alley was a success, until Amy Radford and Pippi Chippy's balls in a milk churn left it bereft of missiles. Liz Kennedy was accused by Brodie Everest of rigging the coconut shy after Will Breeze's

thoroughbred urchin failed to shift a single nut. The Sons of Sperbs demanded a superglue inspection wherein it was found the coconuts weren't standing on posts, but on the inverted legs of Peter Cashman, Oliver Stanley, Ben Tattersley and Paul Glenn, all of whom are well known to have highly dextrous and powerfully adhesive feet. Gordon Buxton proposed the despondent urchin simply be given one of the coveted coconuts by means of apology, but was challenged to a duel by laird Jonathan MacDonald-Hawk I of Glencairn and Dura, who misheard him and thought he'd said something rude about purple

strawberry who'd been trying to keep a low profile to avoid exactly this sort of brouhaha. This prompted Warren of Chichester to kickstart his PowerPoint presentation on the importance of paying attention to goings on if one is in the market for declaring a duel. A presentation which was deemed willfully turgid by content monitors Holly Harland and Gwynan Hughes, who raised a posse consisting of Kevin Hewitt, Cara, Zion Torn and Jenny Thomas, who brought the presentation to a violent halt, goaded on by a frenzied gaggle of urchins who'd been deliberately kept hungry all day by Scott and Holly Eneking. Alistair Patrick attempted to calm the urchins down by emptying Adam Martin's pockets of its chocolate-coated raisins and tossing them on the floor.

But Abbie Cashman complained that this was demeaning as urchins were well known to prefer food being thrown at their mouths. This was attempted by Ben Jones and Ben, but it was a bum steer as the urchins assumed they were under attack and immediately retaliated indiscriminately. Paul Glenn had his top hat pulled down over his head. Luke Boyan was wedgied with a brace's hoik by four urchins on top of a gas lamp. Connie Ginsburg's pocket watch was pickpocketed,

and Rosanna, Matt Baker, Tom Jackson, and James Peters all had to be gifted pocket watches so that these could immediately be stolen. Elsewhere, Richard Blakely, Joanna, David Cresty, and Guy Bronze tried to sneak into the lounge for free dressed as urchins, despite being paid up members of the lounge. For this they were awarded classic urchin status and invited to join Bailey Rae's Chimney Top Dance Troupe which they were about to

accept when the troupe gave a demonstration which led to the Chimney Top Dance deaths of troupe members Suze O'Toole, Keyboard Gren, Crob Edmonds, Jacob Mills and Debbie Henderson. LaLalian was mistaken by the urchins for a rich benefactor and had to be evacuated via the Sean Bean emergency pickle sluice. Lizzie Shaw accidentally mesmerised an Urchin by pulling a standing lamp out of a carpet bag and is now bonded with them for life. John Hayden, Heidi Higgins, Tom Longfield and Pip Eton were caught force-feeding Urchins hot sausage and mustard and were reprimanded for raiding Sean Bean's special Kerrigan stash without asking. Toto's Rosanna won a bag of flea powder on the penny pitch and tried to treat the Urchins but accidentally de-fleed Nick

Edwards, Andrew Chinstrap Chin and Matt Turner instead, in the case of the latter, fatally. Rachel Delaney was the only one to ring the bell on the strongman Highstriker and won a lifetime supply of Urchins. At the end of the evening, James Riggs and C.A.O.B. led the Urchins away with a magical pipe and stratocaster respectively, deep into the heart of the Sean Bean Mountain, which they all duly escaped, that being far too rural a trap for them, and returned triumphantly to round things off with an inappropriately ribald musical number accompanied by Addy Cox, Eleanor Bell, George Sanders and Kitty Wizard, playing the role of morally appalled gentlepersons. Thanks all.

of morally appalled gentlepersons. Thanks all. Ok, let's finish off with our theme tune, a version sent in by 1auLot. This is from Lee. Thank you, Lee. He says I was recently perusing my local record shop for late 70s early 80s punk and ska records when I found this rare 7-inch vinyl gem which sounds familiar somehow. A ska two-tone classic, the three been beat. And just for Henry, it was recorded on a 1952 Custom Shop Telecaster reissue in butterscotch blonde and a Squier 1950 style Precision bass.

Lovely stuff. Bog off. Thanks Lee. Thanks everyone for listening. We'll listen to that now. Goodbye. Cheerio. Goodbye. Cheerio. Very much. Goodbye. You