Three Bean Salad - Condiments

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

The beans are back! It's time for series two and they kick off by discussing condiments at the behest of a listener called Lloyd. Also covered are gnocchi, electricity pylon safety and shooting a toucan.Tickets for the livestream of the beans' live show on 2nd September 2021 are available here: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/three-bean-salad-online-streaming-event/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Do you ever realise that you're overusing a phrase? Is this how we're starting the second series? What phrase, what's been the troublesome phrase, Henry? Is the phrase welcome to series two? Thank you. No, the phrase I've been overusing recently is clear to just said it to Ben. It's side hustle, because Ben's been, I just said to Ben,

oh, you could have quite a good side hustle in doing jingles, because he's so good at doing the jingles, and then just pinged off something in my brain, which is I also said side hustle yesterday to someone who works in Tesco's. So you've been patronising people left, right and centre. Were they composing jingles when they were supposed to be marrying me too? No, so basically. You could have a really good side hustle in throwing food down a little alley.

Yeah, we could do grocery bowling. Me and you could be a side hustle, both of us. By day, normal Tesco's. By night, grocery bowling. We've got the lanes, we've got the groceries. Come on. Just need access to a cheap conveyor belt, that's all we need. We need a cheap conveyor belt with a subterranean sort of bit,

which shunts things up back where they came from. Sends the cabbages back up. Yeah, cabbages. And they shall come. The chickens, the ready meals, whatever is using. Well, the chickens can go themselves, can't they? They don't need to. They can head back up themselves.

Yeah. So it's kind of like cock fighting, mixed with... Yeah. Temporal bowling, mixed with going shopping. Exactly, it's hitting so many different audiences, do you know what I mean? It's cross-sectional, such a... Especially in a post-COVID world, people want that high street experience. No, I was in Tesco's and...

It's the start of many a great anecdote. The guy... Basically, it was raining. I ran into Tesco's. But I was in that classic situation where it's raining loads. It's clearly not going to stop raining for ages, and you haven't got a brawly or any sort of hood. So you're like, where can I get a brawly?

I ran into Tesco's and I said to the guy, do you sell brawlys? And he said, yes. But instead of directing me to where the brawlys were, he sort of reached to his right where the... It was a cardboard box, right? He had with brawlys in it, like, you know, mini, you know, collapsible telescopic umbrellas

of the six to eight pound variety that you buy when you're up against it. The one-use brawlys. Yeah, the one-use is... I thought there's something slightly odd was going on. A, it was the fact that these were in a little cardboard box to his right. Yeah. B... Everyone knows you keep brawlys on the left.

Because you need your hand ready with your gun on the other hand. That's right. Yeah, what's he signalling? Exactly. Also, it was $6.99, right? For two... For two brawlys. I've had some good deals in my time, but that is crazy.

That is so good. I mean, what... You didn't have to have... You didn't have to say... That could have been for one brawly, I'd have taken it. $6.99 for two brawlys. And they came in a pack of two, which just feels weird. I suppose you could say it's almost like they've acknowledged these are single-use.

It's not like a sort of his and hers thing or... No, well, they were both the same design. They were both the same design. Of course, a woman's umbrella must be... A woman's umbrella, of course, is carried in fairy cakes, strawberries. Fairy cakes and strawberries, isn't it? The manufacturers have got themselves into trouble with this sort of thing before, haven't they? And of course, the male brawly is covered in strong horses.

The glasses of bourbon with just ice and maybe a shaving of orange. Nothing more than that. Bullets. And just sort of trotters. So anyway, $6.99 for two brawlys, that's a good deal. And then I said to him, great, can I just grab those? And I'm actually, you know, this is such a skippable stride. I think I might actually do a small shop while I'm here.

So I said, can I just grab the brawlys and just go for a shop? Because if this is an indication of the kind of deals that I've got in store in this shop, I'd be a fool to leave now. So these were gateway umbrellas, wasn't it? At this point, I'm thinking, I can be walking out here with double packs of cheddar, double two for one chickens, just double everything. I thought, maybe have Tesco's gone double? Is this what's happening?

To try and revive the high street? They've had to go double on everything. Or maybe it's like, it's a once a year thing or like the fairy tale when the king, the pauper becomes a king for the day and vice versa. I don't know. I just thought, either way, fully aboots. And then he said, so I said, yeah, can I just grab the brawlys and I'll just do a shop and then pay for them at the end.

And he said, no, I'd rather you, he's basically just, or he just said, no. I need you to buy these brawlys now. Cashing hand. Well, it wasn't cashing hand, actually, I still put them on card. But anyway. So he sort of held you to ransom. He held me to ransom. He had us buy your own ransom.

It was basically a deal between him and the brawlys it turned out with me as the sort of collateral. He was a go-between. I imagine what's happened is he is, sorry to butt in, just, this is what I imagine is going on. That would really help. He's a low rating staff member who's not doing very well. And his boss has taken him into room and said, you're on your last, this is your last chance.

If you can't sell these brawlys by midday, if you can't sell 10 brawlys, you're out. It's classic Glen Garry Glen Ross, isn't it? Yeah. His big dicks and crucible Tesco manager stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And he hurled the bag of brawlys at him, go and sell these fucking brawlys, you piece of shit.

They're becoming packs of two. It doesn't make any sense. That's the challenge. They're his and hers. Everything in the shop today is his and hers. We've got his and hers sweets. We've got his and hers broccoli. His and hers yogurts.

That's why we've been giving out stickers of fairy cakes and strawberries and telling people to stick them on every other item. And stickers of horses, whiskey and trotters to go on the other items. Yeah. It's not rocket science. In a little at the moment, I noticed recently, there was a red wine that they've obviously tried to market like at men. It's like they've thought, how can we make wine more of a kind of masculine thing that

may be more men would buy? Right. It's kind of a hat, a couple of special straws down the sides. There is currently a red wine on sale in Liddle, the name of which is Big Gun. Oh. Oh, they're not. Big Gun wine. They're not even, that's, yeah, they're not even being subtle with it.

I mean. No. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we're not far off Pina's wine. I am, my thing when I buy a wine bottle in terms of like how I judge things, which obviously just based on the label, I prefer an old fashioned sort of grainy etching of a chateau. Yeah. Yeah.

And, and I like the wine bottle to feel slightly dusted and old, but apparently they put that dust on sometimes. There's a fake dusting process. Yeah. No. They've got dust. And they've got a deal with Dyson. They've got, they're basically taking the world's dust.

Tax-free. And they're blowing it onto wine bottles to make them look old and pretty, I did hear that somewhere to make them look more authentically aged. The ones I don't like, occasionally you'll get a bottle of red wine that's got like a sort of weird wrapping of like Hessian, is it called Hessian or like, it's like the kind of material that you'd make a sort of mat out of and put it on the floor in a Greek restaurant. Yes.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. It's a kind of cross... Raffia. What's that? Do you mean the one that's like a sort of mini basket? Yes. It's like it's basket-y.

It's kind of interwoven. It's reeds. Made of reeds maybe. But it's actually, isn't it actually made of like polystyrene or something quite often? It's quite plastic-y. I heard it's made from the polystyrene you get out of the box when you open a Dyson. Exactly. Or it's back in.

Anyway, I don't like that. Anyway, sorry. Henry, we totally derailed your story. Well, no. There's different... Okay. Basically, long story short, actually short story. It's not a long story.

Short story long. Short story long. Short story long. He wouldn't let me just buy the brollies, he wouldn't let me take the brollies with me. I had to buy them. So I went... Okay.

Right. I was buying them. I said, who's this? There's a nice little side hustle you've got going on with the brollies. And he looked at me and, you know, I mean, he simply hadn't taken it on board what I've said. Or at least what I said made so little sense to him that he just didn't really acknowledge it.

Yeah. He just sort of blinked, I think. So then I thought, I thought, I might try this again. So then I said, yeah, it's like, you've got a bit of a side hustle here, a nice side hustle you've got with the brollies. And again, he sort of shook his head, didn't he? And then I just, I backed off at that point, but I didn't do my shop and I did pick up the brollies.

He does have a good ending in the story. Let's fire up the bean machine, shall we? All right. For the first time in a few weeks, it's the first series to be machine that's been upgraded, had a liquor paint, the cogs are shining. This week's topic is... Condiments. Condiments, you say.

What you're looking at is ketchup. Yeah. Mustard. Brown sauce. Mayo. Mayo, yeah. Not for me, thanks very much, but for others. Rod Stewart, for example, famously.

Loves a mayo. Puts it in his hair, so they say. What? Bloody hell. That's my unfounded rumour of the day. Trump propaganda. Is it when you've heard or is it when you've just originated? I don't know.

I can't really remember. It's in my head. I don't know where it came from, precisely. I might have read it. I might have heard it. I might have made it up. I don't know. I don't remember anything.

I don't know references. I'm looking in my brain and there's no references. There's no... Mike, we're putting out a piece of broadcast media here. You can't just be saying things like, Rod Stewart puts mayo in his hair. You can't just throw that out. Well, I am throwing it out.

I'm throwing it out. I'm going to see what happens. I'm going to see if it gets any grip. It's going to cause absolute chaos. It might do. It might get Rod himself getting in touch. Recommending brands. I'm dangling a mayonnaise soaked carrot

in front of Rod Stewart. See if he bites. Get in touch, Rod. Yeah, get in touch. I'm listening. Can I talk to you about Branson Pickle? Shoot. Now, well, for starters,

could that qualify as a condiment? Can we get it in there? I think for the purposes of this episode, absolutely. Because I had a brief intense fling with Branson Pickle about a year ago. Yeah. Having not eaten it my whole life and found it just very peculiar

and a bit gross to look at. Well, there's no getting around it. It's the texture and colour of basically sort of... Chundered turds. Well, semi-processed shit. I'd say shit halfway through whatever happens to a turd between your bottom and the sea. It's sort of halfway.

It's at the kind of slurry stage where it's probably flying through a Victorian sort of, you know, cavern somewhere, sort of Victorian pipe. Yeah, somewhere in Britain. So it's going through the... I was thinking of if you were pooing directly into the sea, something happens as it falls from the cliff top before it hits the water.

I've never done a poo off a cliff like that. That sounds very bracing. Now, I'm talking about poo that's... Going through the sewers, you know, the Victorian sewers, obviously on its journey, as everyone knows, every turd, obviously, gets... It gets eaten by the Queen eight times. Doesn't it?

That's right, yeah. Yeah. No, but so basically it's Branson Pickle, very unattractive looking, very pungent smell. And then what can happen with me in food sometimes is that... So I've got it in my head that it's disgusting. And then someone will say something to me that will reframe it in my mind.

And I think it could be as simple as... It's quite nice, actually. Yeah, it could just be... Something really radical. Someone might have said that to me. And I'll reframe Branson Pickle in my mind. And then I basically got into it for about sort of six months. And I had it on everything for about six months.

It's so intense. Your face ducts, all your sort of little... Start releasing all kinds of shit. You know what I mean? All your little ducts in your mouth start just shoving out... Like liquids that they've never shoved out before. You know, like... Danger hormones.

Danger hormones, arousal hormones. It's all going off, you know what I mean? Your limbic system's going crazy. So anyway, so I had a very intense relationship with Branson Pickle. It was sitting in my fridge. And I think I got halfway through. And then I said, this has got to stop.

And I think it's still there. I've not touched it for about a year now. Did you feel disgusted? Well, the thing is, it's just too much. It goes on everything. It swamps everything. And you just become a person who's living for Branson Pickle and everything else.

It's just if someone that's either facilitating or getting in the way of Branson. And that's how you see things and people. Is this guy trying to take away my Pickle? If so, probably best of murdering. Why is my wife getting up earlier than me? Is it because she's going to eat all my Pickle? I better get out of bed.

She probably wants to eat all my Pickle secretly. Better get some webcams up. Better get some webcams up. Can't afford the webcams. I'll have to steal the money off my wife. Man, it is gross. I didn't like mayo either. It's really grim.

It just makes things very slippery. It's absolutely hideous. Also, I imagine that your average American fridge, you know, you open up those two, the two double doors on your average American fridge, which is basically like opening the front doors of like chichester cathedral. And there are those massive, heavy, massive double doors

that we've all got on the fridge. You open it up and on the right there's like a barrel of mayo. It's just always there. Just a barrel sized jar of mayo. Well, the newer American fridge is actually just a mayo gun on the front. So you don't have to even open the door. You just fire it from the mayo gun.

That reminds me of, I was doing a recipe the other day and it was an American recipe. And at one point in the recipe, it said, and then just spray the whole thing with fat. I think the assumption was you've got a sort of fat sprayer. You've got a fat-a-mizer ready to go. A fat-a-mizer. It's so unappetizing as a concept.

What are you making? I think I was roasting some gnocchi. Oh, what? Is it gnocchi or is it gnocchi? What did I say? You're saying gnocchi. I'm not saying you're wrong. Sounds like you're saying it's wrong.

When in doubt, when in doubt on how to pronounce something wrong, a little tip for you. Add more sounds. Oh, it's quite busy. You're making it sound quite busy. Make it busy. Most people in the confusion will assume that you're fluent or whatever.

Okay. So don't simplify it. Complicated. Gnocchi. Where do you stand on adding a bit of accent behind it? Gnocchi. Gnocchi. Gnocchi.

I'm fine with that. I like it. This is a bit of a mini pompadou. And now it's time for pompadou sections. Pompadou. Pompadou. I've noticed that something we do quite a lot is

when we're talking about a subject, we kind of think about how it applies to America. Yeah. We are born of a time where as children, American stuff was just cool, wasn't it? It was better. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think that's not true anymore? I don't know. I didn't know what the view of the kids is. I think America's quite cool, but I don't think America, I think America was at its coolest in the 80s, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. It was so cool. Just the logo. Pepsi. Just the word Pepsi. They had really good fizzy drinks and sneakers and stuff. Yeah. But it felt like they had,

they were seconds away from having hoverboards. Yeah. They also got everything first, right? That's why they got, they were way ahead of the game with their movies and their albums and all that kind of business. Yeah. Because if you think about like 80s movies,

like in America, back to the future, which is, you know, hands down just a really fun and great film. And then in Britain, we made the railway children. Howard's End. Yeah.

Like British films of the time are not, they're good films, but they're not cool films, are they? Hmm. Is there a cool 80s British film? Is there a cool British film ever? Kez. Yeah.

In America, they're going, okay, imagine that there's a guy, he goes to the future, but for the past, and then he's in the future as well. He meets his mother, he's in a band, he's crazy.

And in Britain, it's like, imagine if I'm like a really, really sad kid, bought a kestrel, which died. If they made an American remake of Kez, it'd be very different, wouldn't it? It'd be like a kid finds a magical dolphin in his attic. He finds a bald-headed eagle. With whom he cracks a Soviet conspiracy

to take over the missile silos in Indiana. With the help of MC Hammer. Yeah. And it would be called Kez, but Kez would be like, K-E-S, Kestrel emergency service. It's like an underground base. K-E-S, Kez.

What do we got? Deploy the Kestrel. There's a fire in Beijing. Deploy Kestrel. Activate cloaking. Invisis Barrow. I think for me, a film, a film for me that sums up British childhood for me

in the 80s. Like, so in America, it feels like it's typified by, you know, back to the future or what have you. Ferris Bueller's. Great example. Yeah. In Britain, I think it would be typified by those videos you had to watch in school

to stop you from going near like electricity pylons and stuff like that. Yeah. The Danger Vids. Yeah. Yeah. Short circuit takes on a very different meaning in the British film institutes.

Canon. If your kite gets stuck on a pylon, don't claim up it and then piss on it. Also, don't piss. Stop pissing on the pylons, everyone. Always hosted by a man from Galway. I'm sure. There was a lot of kids that were exploding.

Everything was going on to pylons and people were constantly piling onto the pylons. I've somehow got one of my roller skates up onto that pylon. I'll just go and get everyone round and go out there together. It was pylon fever. At one point, 30% of the British population

was dying on pylons and wenged. It was burnt to a crisp in pylons. It was pylon madness. Yeah. The one I remember is there's a kid. He kicks a ball into an electricity substation. Of course he does. His friend goes, come on, let's get it.

Here we go. And then one of them goes, I don't think we should go in there. And then he's like, don't worry, you'll be fine. Shall we at least wait for that ball lightning storm to pass over? No, no. No.

I'll wear me copper sombrero. That'll protect us. When I was a kid then, I went to my friend's house for tea after school one day and I'd not been to his house before and he had a pylon in his garden. Wow. Oh, God.

And I was terrified of it. Death trap. I was terrified of it, but they were climbing on it for fun because it was in their garden. Are you serious? Yeah. And when it rained,

it would slightly like, you know, that kind of sizzly sound you get off a pylon. Oh, constant crackle. Yeah. If I did find myself on a pylon, what's that rule again about? Don't sleep.

Don't sleep. No, but there's something about, because birds, as long as I've got one leg in the air, I'll be fine. Because birds are somehow fine on pylons, which a lot of the time, that is why there were so many pylon deaths

in the 80s where people were going, that bird's all right. People were following birds into all kinds of problems. They didn't realise the protective power of eating worms all morning. That's what earths you. Know what it is? The birds aren't touching the ground, are they?

So if you make a connection between you and the ground and the electricity, I think that's when you get electrocuted in my life. No, no, that's not it, mate. No, no, no. It's not that. It's to do with...

Talons. No, it's not even to do with talons. It's to do with, basically, to describe this, what the thing that's difficult about describe explaining this. Is you don't know what it is? Well, there's partly that's one of the issues.

But one of the other issues is the only way to explain it is you have to slightly anthropomorphise electricity. So basically, electricity wants to get up and down the country by going from pylon to pylon. From cattle to cattle. From cattle to cattle.

So if a bird is standing on the cable, and then they say something like this, they go, it's easier for the electricity to go through the bird and carry on up the country. So essentially, the electricity goes, well, I'm going to go through this bird because it's more or less resistant.

Beneath the cable. Okay. Yeah, you're already getting yourself a little bit tied up in not a second sense. You're losing confidence. It's because the bird is so small. It's something about it's easier for the electricity to go through that.

It's not because the bird is so small. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, something like that. But if you're saying a grebe is basically a sort of diode, I don't know. It's something like that. Because why you wear rubber wellies

when you're changing a light bulb is because the electricity goes through you. It uses you as a conductor, which is better than the alternative if you don't really want to go into it. And it's why you always have a Robin Red breast on your shoulder when you're changing a light bulb.

Exactly. Because, well, that's a safety thing. If the red breast is sitting on me and he's fine, then I'm fine. He's like the sort of canary in the mind. If the Robin dies, you know that in a millisecond

you're about to die. If he starts to fry. Yeah, there's nothing I can do about it. It's too late. But at least I've got that one or two seconds in which to make my peace. It's why whenever I plug anything in just to a general domestic plug,

I'm grasping with one hand by the neck of Heron. I'm not a fan of fancy ketchup. In the world of condiments, I like going back to your base brand. Yeah, no one is. Your logo that's got 100 years on the clock. It kept the colors.

It kept the shading. It's the same logo. There's one ketchup. Yeah, everyone loves that. There's one ketchup. There's one brown sauce. Come on. Yeah.

So my heart sinks when a waiter says, and you must try our locally sourced organic with a hint of chili ketchup. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They haven't even finished that. Back off. By the time they've got one, a knife and a fork up each nostril.

I'm sorry, mate. No. And then... Get yourself to cope. Get me the proper bottle of ketchup. And then we'll talk. You know the one. Yeah.

You know the one. You know what I'm talking about. You make me spell it out for you. I'm going to take your nose off. Yeah. Because there are certain areas where the less fancy and the cheaper version of something is actually the best. I always find that quite cool.

Yeah. There are certain things. So ketchup, that'll be cheaper, but we're better than your fancy ketchup. Your artisanal. Fortnum and Mason's Victorian. It's got a mustache on the bottle ketchup. Get in the sea.

No. Screw off. What we are talking about is Asda owned brand. Yeah. Own brand recycled ketchup. Talking out. Ecological. Recycled from old condiments.

Well, it's been reclaimed from plates in greasy spoons where they haven't finished all the ketchup. Yeah. That's right. Re-bottle it. I know. We're talking about Heinz, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. It's such a powerful brand that it's become... Yeah. To me, it's just ketchup. Well, Marmite, for example. You know, when the waiter says,

do you want to try one of our, you know, our locally sourced... Yeast spreads. Yeast spreads. Oh, I hate that. Yeah. God. Oh, I've had a penny for every time that happened.

Every... Trying to peddle the fancy yeast spreads with you. No. This yeast is locally sourced from the backs of local pigs. From the toes of my own father. Ketchup's on those. I imagine Branson Pickle, I guess, is probably one of those in that world.

What else is there? I don't know. I think you pickle chutney. I think it's all to play for in pickles and chutneys. Really, you can go up the scale and get a nice one. I think you can go up the scale. You can go down the scale. You can go sideways.

You can go any which way. It's just a world to explore, isn't it? Yeah. That's the thing with chutney. Exactly. You've just got to put it out there. Just to widen it from condiments. There are certain other products.

Like, for example, a McVitie's chocolate digestive. To me, that is a cheap product, right? It's... But it's the gold standard. Yeah. But it's the gold standard. And there's so much history in the logo and in the biscuit. There's so much acquired, so much knowledge and understanding.

They were on the front at World War II. Yeah. They were in the skies above Dunkirk. Yeah. Yeah. They loosed a packet of them at the Bel Granade, didn't they? I seem to remember. Yeah.

The first Ron Wally. Robert and Steve McVitie. Yes. Both got badly shot up on the Western front. And Robert said to Steve, his last words were, Can you tell my mother? And then Steve said, Actually, look, could you just take that as red?

Have you got any... They're still shooting at us. Yeah. Have you got any good recipes for biscuits? Any when? Because what about a hub knob? It's kind of OT. It's like a crumbly...

It's crumbly and OT. I'm going to be really sad tonight. Because when you're passing, I'm going to want something to eat. Have you got any ideas? Spread very, very thin chocolate on a biscuit bag. So hundreds of years, or whatever, decades,

or probably hundreds, I don't know, loads of times gone into them. There's knowledge in there. Yeah. And you can come along with your hedge fund. Yeah. And a crazy idea. Like, let's make a new biscuit.

Yeah. It's going to have jam in it. And it's going to have spice. It's going to have raisins. It's going to be sexy new biscuit. I don't care how much money you chuck at your fancy biscuit. There's time in there. There's time in a McVitie's.

Yeah. There's blood, and sweat, and tears, and flour, and brown sugar. Salt. But there are certain products like that. What are some other ones? Where it's like, that's actually better and cheaper.

It's better and cheaper. I'd have to say the one for me is Schneider's of Hanover. Halepenio pretzel pieces. I've got a good example of when not paying as much is better. Yeah. Cheaper is better.

I went to see Paul Simon in Hyde Park. Very good. And was that cheaper than seeing Simon and Garfunkel? Paul Simon is better than seeing Simon and Garfunkel. We didn't have to put up with all of Garfunkel's solo work. So I went to see Paul Simon in Hyde Park and I bought my ticket

off a woman on Facebook. So it sold out, but I wanted a ticket. So I went on Facebook. I found someone who was selling one and I bought it off her. It turned out the ticket was for the Golden Circle. And I was thinking, oh my God.

And basically the Golden Circle is like the front of the stage. So now I didn't realize this. Like there's a kind of horrible system in big gigs where there's people who can afford to be near the front, go near the front and then there's like everyone else. So I go into the Golden Circle

and I realize essentially that I'm surrounded just by posh people who don't really care about the music or... Of course they don't. They're just there because they wanted a day out. Essentially it was the equivalent of them going to a sea life center or going to the zoo. It didn't really matter.

This is where these people network. Yeah, basically. Is it possible to have a boat for a horse? I want to invest in horse boat. That sort of chat. And they were shouting that at Paul Simon throughout the gig. Paul, you made a lot of money.

What's your take on a catamaran for a shire pony? Paul. Anyway, we'll have to bleep out this guy's name. But I ended up standing next to celebrity... Oh, my God. And so all the way through,

I was watching Paul Simon, maybe my favorite artist, potentially, his last ever live gig in Europe before he retired. And throughout the entire thing, all I could hear was... Oh, no, no, no. Oh, God.

That's the Golden Circle. And that's what happens in the Golden Circle. That's what the Golden Circle means. Don't go to the Golden Circle. No, it sounds so tempting, but it's a kind of hell. And this guy, I will keep bleeping his name.

Yeah. Was with... No. No. And then as soon as the concert began, he just started... No, no, no, no, no, no. Surely not.

Yes. What's the thinking there? What's happening? If you can relate to the music of Paul Simon, you'd think you'd be someone that wouldn't... So that was an example where Cheeper was better. Well, Cheeper, I would have been in with everyone else

in the normal people bit, and it would have been... You would have avoided being... And he wouldn't have been there. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, condiments. As it turns out.

So that was condiments. Condiments dealt with. Thank you to Lloyd King, for sending in condiments. Thank you, Lloyd. Lloyd. All right. Time for the correspondence.

Obviously, this is the beginning of season two, depending on how American you're feeling. A lot of emails are built up in the email account. This is the first one I'm going to read. Dear Beans, I hope your short hiatus treated you well, as I'm terribly excited to see the return at a live performance.

Oh. So they're coming to the live show. Just a little plug for the live show. Second of September, in-person tickets are sold out, but you can get on a live stream. £9.50. Nicely done.

Smoothly does it. So they say they're excited to see the return at the live performance. There is a popular question circulating around the world. There is a popular question circulating the three bean forums that I felt should be brought up.

Why is it called three bean salad when there are only two of you? Who or what is the third bean? Some theorize that the third bean is meant for future guests, while some say the third bean is us, the audience. Others suggest that the third bean is metaphorical for the conversation and laughter between you two. My personal theory is that the third bean

is the existential dread that comes with realizing that you just wasted an hour of fleeting existence listening to nothing worthwhile. Much love. Oh, OK. You don't even have to tell us who it's from. Don't bother finishing it. We know who it's from.

Spurbs. Touche. Touche, Spurbs. PS. Topic suggestion lies. I feel like the plug's been pulled out. It's smaller than my back. And you're draining like a bath.

All your internal organs and liquids are draining out of your back like you're a bath. And only yesterday I put some really nasty chemicals down the plug off, so it's draining really quickly. It's just absolutely pouring out. It's dissolved all the hair and... So in retrospect, you're wishing you hadn't actually given it the chemical wash through now.

You're wishing you'd have a few more seconds of lifetime. So we're going to sweat about on the grind for a bit longer. I can't. I mean, I think we all secretly hope that season two could begin new page, you know, new leaf. Yeah. Well, he's suggesting as well that he's going to be there on the day of the live show.

Oh, my God. Yes. That, to me, is the most menacing. Oh, which one of these? Little missive. I mean, we're now going to have to set aside quite a lot of money for security. Yeah.

My personal suggestion would be we go down the Hell's Angels route. Well, they've got four, haven't they? Yeah. Yeah. So we just surround the building in Hell's Angels. Yeah. We station four Hells Angels at the front of the stage.

Yeah, a layer of Harleys in front of the stage. Yeah. And I also suggest we ply them with ciders. We give them free cider from 9am on the day. Oh, we want them to be loosened up. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, get them nice and loose. Maybe just to annoy them,

circulate a rumour that someone has been saying that they don't like motorcycles that much. We will need to make sure they're allowed, they know they're allowed to smoke in free base inside the venue as well. That might be... Yeah. That might be off-putting for some people in the front row.

It's going to affect the vibe of the event, I would say. And obviously, we'll be deeply unsettled throughout the whole show now, but also, I would have thought most of the audience as well will be looking at one another, thinking who is supposed, possibly even looking at the cherished loved one sat to their left that they've brought out

for a birthday treat. Maybe they're thinking, am I Spurbs? Am I Spurbs? Who are you Spurbs? Have I been Spurbs all along? Yeah. Undermining their self-confidence,

undermining their belief in... Yeah. Quick, I better just check my body for tattoos in case I've left myself a series of clues or something like that. Because the thing about Spurbs is you think you're turning over a new leaf, you think you've got a fresh notebook,

but you hold it up to the light and there's a Spurbs watermark on every page. And it's him flicking you the finger. Yeah, he's really pulled the rug out from under. I was quite looking forward to the live show. Oh, he's deflated. He's ruined it. And it's been ruined now.

Yeah. He's absolutely ruined it because even if he's not there, he's there. It's just a question of getting through it now, right? Isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. And unfortunately, life isn't like an early Batman film. Spurbs doesn't turn up wearing a purple suit covered in, you know, exclamation marks and driving around. We don't know that, Henry.

We do not know that. Well, he might. If he does, then he'll be hiding in plain sight and he'll be the person we suspect the least. He might. He might be. We're just going to have to get it done

with just in a sort of utterly joyless way, a bit like having to kill your favorite sheep with a bolt gun. Yeah. That's what it's going to be like. We're going to, I think people who are physically attending

should probably make sure that they have their affairs in order before they come. Yes. I would advise. Yeah. Those on the live stream, it feels safer,

but I mean, the way Spurbs plays it, I mean, it could be that it could be that as you're watching your bank accounts are being completely emptied during the show.

And all of you, most embarrassing emails are being shared with WikiLeaks. We don't know. Also, now that we've said this on air, you won't be able to insure yourself against it. You'll be uninsurable.

Yeah. Any of this. You're uninsurable. And in terms of our demeanour, I think what people can expect is, it's like when you go and see Bon Jovi and they start playing the opening bars

of living on a prayer and their eyes are just dead. There's no, they've played it a million times. They're just getting through it. It's Bon Jovi a band, not a person. It's both, mate.

Come on. Well, John Bon Jovi's the man and the band is Bon Jovi. The band is Bon Jovi. Okay. So that would be like if Simon and Garfunkel were called Garfunkel. Yeah.

I'm Simon. I'm Paul Garfunkel. What's he called again? That's Garfunkel. Paul Garfunkel. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny, isn't it?

In the band Simon and Garfunkel, they've got one, one of them has got two first names and the other one's got two surnames. Let me art his surnames. Well, it's not a first name. So they should really be called Paul Art and Simon Garfunkel.

What's Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel? It's like any sense. But I mean, the point I was trying to make is that we will just be joylessly chugging through. Yeah. Well, we'll do a good job of pretending that we're present

in the room and enjoying ourselves. But we're not going to be able to physically face each other or anything like that. We're going to have to stand back to back so that between the three of us we've got a full 360-degree

defensive position. I'm going to be holding an ancient Scottish broadsword. Yeah. An old rusty claymore. Yeah. That you'll fall on. At the 40-minute mark

during the 40-minute lag, you'll fall on it. Yeah. I'm going to be holding a sock with a bad ham in it. That's my weapon of choice. And probably Henry will just bring a box of eggs, right?

Just a box of eggs. I don't know if there's time to get them some that are past their best before date now, but they'll certainly be quite close to their best before date. Is there anything we can do to, like, monitor the audience

to see if... Well, the only way you could keep sperms out would be to create a cookie-cutter-type shape, you know, which is... not of... God.

If the door would be adapted... If the door would have to be adapted to be the shape of a person that isn't sperms-y, so that anyone else would be sliced into the same shape. Yeah, well, we'd have to have a... Now I come to think of it,

yeah, we'd have to have a different... a door for everyone, a different stencil shape for every person coming. Or we'll just email them back. We'll just email them. Because then they could all fit through their shape, like, if you imagine...

Oh, so they have to send a life-size drawing of them, their outline. Because just... It's not that difficult. You just get... It's slightly tricky to move through, because obviously when you do go through, you have to do it with your arms and legs

splayed out to the sides. It's quite hard to... Yeah, I should talk to you about star-jump through it, don't you? Yeah. It's got to be a very perfectly timed star-jump. It's not that hard. You just need...

If you've got an art supply shop, you just need to Google or ask someone which one, A4, A5, which one's bigger or smaller. I forget the big one. No one knows. I think it's lower. It's ironic, isn't it?

So it's lower number, bigger size. Yes, it's A2. Couple of pages of A2. Yeah. Sell it together, lie down, in a position which you think you could comfortably star-jump from. And then the venue will make

the cookie-cutters themselves. We probably should expect, I'd say, probably at least 18% of the audience to get scouts on the way in. Yeah. In terms of making the cookie-cutters, if you send us the stencil design, so the shape around your body,

Ben, can we forward that to someone with 3D printer? Just knocking ideas around. King's Place is quite a modern venue. I thought they'd manage that. Yeah. Well, there's the art school there. So all you need is 3D print the stencil,

but inverted, because you want the gap rather than the... Oh, God, yeah. You don't want people trying to leap into a solid... solid metal cutting of... In this, once you've built the doors, you definitely do 199 doors,

all of which each has an audience member can prove they can fit through it. And also, let's not put their names on it. I think they have to try and... Yeah. Because otherwise, Spurbsy could... You know, there's a way through it. So you have to find your...

Find your doors. Try them out. And you just have to have confidence that when you star-jump through it, you get through. Yeah. But I don't think it is trying their mic, because I think if they fail,

they're out. Yeah. Now, then, of course, when it's Spurbsy's turn, he's in all kinds of trouble, because... So what's the plan? So Spurbs sends through what? He's going to get the email saying, can you send us some paper with your body on it?

He won't do it. Well, how is this catching, man? Spurbs doesn't... He doesn't... No one can tell Spurbs what to do. No, the thing... The thinking is that we don't going to send... He's not going to buy it.

We're not going to send him a ticket as Spurbs. He's got a ticket, mate. He's got a ticket. Oh, no, it's classic Spurbs. He's already... He's before you even thought of it. He sorted it out. Well, that was the beginning of this conversation.

That's what we're talking about. That's the whole basis of this conversation. He's ready to come and take it. And I even think, even if we set up this cookie at a system and it works, I think that we'll start the podcast and then halfway through, it'll turn out one of the Hell's Angels is Spurbsy. Oh, also, Spurbs is the kind of guy, we'd be setting the doors up

and he'd just sneak through behind us while we're setting the doors up. Or you know what he might do? Go sideways and go through someone's door that isn't even his one. Just sideways, sidle through it. Someone else's. Just duck a bit. Oh, that's a big flaw in your plan, isn't it? That anyone could just sidle through any of them.

But he would certainly expose, yeah. Expose, he would. So... We might not even get Spurbs until everyone's gone home and then suddenly they kind of realize it happened. That's often his technique, isn't it? The Spurbing... When you've been Spurbed, it tends to dawn on you after the fact.

It's the sleeper's burb. And it can happen up to 15, 20 years later, as far as we know. But it'll happen at a time where you need to be crucially focused on something. Maybe you're a sniper in the woods, in a future war, in a rainforest. And you're having to execute the president of Cornwall. Who's a toucan? Who's a toucan? You've got to shoot his beak off.

D-beak the toucan and he won't be able to spread his message of hate. So it's double whammy, yeah. And you've got one chance when he's coming out with his compound. Oh, you shoot at the toucan, you better hit. Oh, yeah. And he's always surrounded by his bodyguard of sparrows, isn't he? Quite sexy sparrows he has, the bodyguards. They're small, but they're vicious, yeah.

Running on the back of a wild boar. You've got one chance to shoot that beak off and you're about to pull that trigger and then suddenly, oh, God, I've been spurred. And that moment just takes you slightly off balance, you slightly lose a bit of focus. You shoot, you miss the toucan's beak. You hit the wild boar that the toucan is on the back of. You've angered the president of Cornwall. You've given away your position as well.

And he's now, you dream on if you think you're going to be able to use that Airbnb you've got lined up for the post-kill cooldown. That's already on fire. Post-kill, chill out, that's gone. And also, you can forget the complimentary fudge and eggs that were promised. The toucan eggs. Along with that Airbnb booking. The assassination hamper.

But the irony has been that even just asking yourself the question, how have I been spurred? That might be what goes through your head at that moment. And then you realise you've not shot the beak off that toucan and you've been spurred just by wondering if you've been spurred. Yeah, that's how it works. And the beak's now holding your rifle. And you're looking in that dead eye, that cruel eye of a toucan. And then you're looking into that with that eye and then it moves its head the other way

so you can look in the other eye. Just to really underscore it. It turns out that one's equally cold and pitiless. Because briefly in between the two eyes you thought, bloody hell. I mean, the other eye's got a bit of humanity to it. Because if they're both on the level of that first eye, I'm going to get really shot. I'm going to get really, really shot here. Turns out the other eye's just as bad.

Nightmare. Good grief. We all go about our daily lives, don't we, normally, knowing that it's just in the lap of the gods that someone taking a piss in a plane passing overhead will take a piss and will be speared through by a frozen javelin of piss. A frozen javelin of piss. Well, spike us through, run us through, kill us. And we all know that could happen.

But we carry on with our lives every day. The difference in relation to the live show in Spurbs is that Spurbs basically will turn up. So someone will get javelin with piss and killed. But we'd still like you to turn up. Oh yeah, please turn up. And if you'd like to join the live stream and see what happens, do click that link. Just thought I'd do that because it's important that we push the... That's a good shout, actually.

Because also we may need witnesses who aren't there at the time afterwards for the inquiry. That's true. Although, bear in mind, whatever you're watching may have been deep faked by Spurbs. So you might not be actually watching the live stream. Oh, he's going to hijack that live stream for sure. Good luck one and all. Okay, so before we sign off, let's have a little palette cleanser email. Something to pepper us up, send us on our way with a smile on our face.

This is from Stephen Smith. He is the... Oh, hang on. Stephen Smith isn't an anagram of Spurbs. I mean, that's exactly what I was doing. I was just trying to find the P in there. I found the P and then what is there a B? Just turn the P around and flip it a bit and then...

Okay, so basically he sends us an email. He likes the show. And then he says, I proudly present you three beans with 20% of all food and drinks, brackets, apart from mocha and hot chocolate. Closed brackets. Served in the Soup Dragon Cafe near Dreiman, Scotland. G630NF is the postcode.

A mere 14 and a half hour round trip from London, he says. In order to claim your discount, simply say the word Pompidoo to any number of staff when placing your order. So... Oh, wow. That's for us guys. We've got 20% off at the Soup Dragon Cafe. Oh, that's exciting.

That is absolutely brilliant. And he explicitly doesn't say this, but I am going to extend that to all podcast listeners as well. So simply say Pompidoo at the Soup Dragon Cafe. 20% off all food and drinks. What was that postcode again? G630NF. Okay.

Now, Stephen, is it Stephen? Stephen Smith. Now, Stephen's had a laugh with that email and it's nice. What do you mean he's had a laugh? Well, it's a real deal, mate. He's having a laugh at the idea that it's so far away that we're unlikely to cash in on it. Well, it's quite near Buchanan Castle. We could go and visit that.

I see a day trip here for the beans. How long weekend? Not only that. I see Stephen as being someone that has potentially fatally underestimated how bloody-minded the beans can be. How much we love a bargain. And also... Well, I'm thinking, if we get the right hedge fund investment, could we not buy him out? Just keep buying coffees.

Keep buying coffees. The 20% we're saving, that comes back to us via the hedge fund. So we can quickly pay off the journey up to Scotland with that within a few days. And then every coffee we're buying, we're just diminishing his asset and increasing ours. We diminish the asset. It doesn't matter about mockers and it doesn't matter about those. We buy the cappuccinos. We buy the Espresso's.

20% we're saving every day. How much... Eventually, those 20% add up, don't they, and become more than... Well, they become... The hedge fund guys will work out the details, but I see us essentially bleeding his business dry. Then we buy it up. Dragon Cafe or... Dragon Tech.

Cafe World. It's an internet cafe. Well, that's an idea I've not heard before, Henry. No, we're bringing them back, but we're rolling it out now. Dragon Tech. All over the country, there's Dragon Tech units in garages, in soulless places, yeah? In airports. And suddenly, his lovely little sweet business that he runs, which is very friendly and nice,

I imagine, is an international conglomerate, right? We don't pay our staff well either, I can tell you that for free, yeah? The food is reconstituted muck. You cut through one of the croissants. It doesn't even have layers to it. It's just a solid lump of dough in the shape of a croissant, yeah? And we've ruined it. We've ruined his business, and we've actually made the world the worst place.

So that's plan A, is it? I'm just saying, it's in our wheelhouse to be that bloody minded. So thank you to Steven Smith for extending that to us. We are going to respond by driving out of business. So you can maybe look forward to that. Oh, you're just going to have a lovely week into the TrossX. Off we go. Yeah.

Actually, that sounds better. Can we do that? Let's do that. I'm leaving now. I can be there in eight hours, apparently. Right, I'm off. All right, see you in the TrossX. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.